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Testing the Limits
“Wait, what?”
Rainbow Dash couldn't believe it. As she held the sheets of paper in her trembling hooves and began to skim the questions, she could feel her mind implode.
“Is there a problem, newbie?”
“Um, no ma'am. Just excited to finally start my entrance exam.”
There was no way she could let Spitfire down. She would have to pass the exam. Problem was, the questions printed on the form before her seemed completely foreign. Her friends had done their best to prepare her, but now it all seemed futile. In hindsight, maybe she should have spent more than a single flight studying. Not that it mattered anymore. Biting her lip, she looked over the exam once more, hoping she had simply misunderstood the questions. This was not the case. It was clear now that her friends had taught her the basics of Wonderbolts history, nothing more.
“Now that everypony is here, the exam will officially begin. You will be graded on your responses by both how accurate your answer is, but also by creativity. Here in the Wonderbolts, thinking outside the box is a necessity. Now get ready, your exam starts... now.”
And with that, Spitfire started their timer. Rainbow began to panic. Several minutes had passed, and she had only answered the most basic questions. Suddenly, her eyes widened. If she couldn't get any points for accuracy, she could at least try to pass with creativity.
Almost an hour later, Spitfire was retrieving the completed forms. As she approached Rainbow, the blue pony couldn't help but allow a smirk to spread across her face.
“What's so funny, Dash?”
“Nothing,” Rainbow replied, perhaps a bit too quickly. Spitfire narrowed her eyes for a moment, yet still continued to the next pony as if nothing happened. Maybe it would actually work, thought Rainbow Dash.
“What the actual fuck.”
Then again, maybe it wouldn't. A day had passed since the exam, and Rainbow had been called to Spitfire's office for her results.
“Dash, I thought you were better than this.”
“But it was creative, wasn't it?”
“I can't even tell if you're serious.”
“What, you don't want me to use my creativity?”
At this, Spitfire planted her right hoof in her face, seeming deeply disappointed. Rainbow began to feel a bit worried, but pressed on anyway. After a deep, frustrated sigh, Spitfire finally spoke.
“Okay, let's go over your answers. Question five. 'In what political issue was Commander Easy Glider a major influence?' Do you remember your answer?"
"Nope, but I bet it was really creative."
"Dash, you didn't even answer our question. You instead posed your own question, inquiring how great Rainbow Dash is at everything. On a scale of one to ten."
"Oh yeah, guess what my answer was."
"Get out."
Rainbow Dash couldn't believe it. As she held the sheets of paper in her trembling hooves and began to skim the questions, she could feel her mind implode.
“Is there a problem, newbie?”
“Um, no ma'am. Just excited to finally start my entrance exam.”
There was no way she could let Spitfire down. She would have to pass the exam. Problem was, the questions printed on the form before her seemed completely foreign. Her friends had done their best to prepare her, but now it all seemed futile. In hindsight, maybe she should have spent more than a single flight studying. Not that it mattered anymore. Biting her lip, she looked over the exam once more, hoping she had simply misunderstood the questions. This was not the case. It was clear now that her friends had taught her the basics of Wonderbolts history, nothing more.
“Now that everypony is here, the exam will officially begin. You will be graded on your responses by both how accurate your answer is, but also by creativity. Here in the Wonderbolts, thinking outside the box is a necessity. Now get ready, your exam starts... now.”
And with that, Spitfire started their timer. Rainbow began to panic. Several minutes had passed, and she had only answered the most basic questions. Suddenly, her eyes widened. If she couldn't get any points for accuracy, she could at least try to pass with creativity.
Almost an hour later, Spitfire was retrieving the completed forms. As she approached Rainbow, the blue pony couldn't help but allow a smirk to spread across her face.
“What's so funny, Dash?”
“Nothing,” Rainbow replied, perhaps a bit too quickly. Spitfire narrowed her eyes for a moment, yet still continued to the next pony as if nothing happened. Maybe it would actually work, thought Rainbow Dash.
“What the actual fuck.”
Then again, maybe it wouldn't. A day had passed since the exam, and Rainbow had been called to Spitfire's office for her results.
“Dash, I thought you were better than this.”
“But it was creative, wasn't it?”
“I can't even tell if you're serious.”
“What, you don't want me to use my creativity?”
At this, Spitfire planted her right hoof in her face, seeming deeply disappointed. Rainbow began to feel a bit worried, but pressed on anyway. After a deep, frustrated sigh, Spitfire finally spoke.
“Okay, let's go over your answers. Question five. 'In what political issue was Commander Easy Glider a major influence?' Do you remember your answer?"
"Nope, but I bet it was really creative."
"Dash, you didn't even answer our question. You instead posed your own question, inquiring how great Rainbow Dash is at everything. On a scale of one to ten."
"Oh yeah, guess what my answer was."
"Get out."
Oof. You’re going to want to put two line breaks between each paragraph. It just looks better; much less of a “wall of text” effect. Also, while you do need to make a new paragraph for each speaker, that doesn’t mean you make a new one for every opening set of quotation marks.
As for the story itself, it’s kind of funny, but it isn't quite there. Between the casual profanity and how the test questions themselves seem to offer no room for creativity, the idea feels half-formed. There’s definite potential here, but realizing it will take some work.
As for the story itself, it’s kind of funny, but it isn't quite there. Between the casual profanity and how the test questions themselves seem to offer no room for creativity, the idea feels half-formed. There’s definite potential here, but realizing it will take some work.
Genre: Comedy?
Thoughts: I think the concept has potential, but right now it's held back by inconsistent paragraph spacing, rough scene breaks, and other issues >>FanOfMostEverything mentioned.
A fair amount of that could be forgiven, though, if the ending joke was a hit. Right now it's a miss. But the setup for it is all there.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: I think the concept has potential, but right now it's held back by inconsistent paragraph spacing, rough scene breaks, and other issues >>FanOfMostEverything mentioned.
A fair amount of that could be forgiven, though, if the ending joke was a hit. Right now it's a miss. But the setup for it is all there.
Tier: Needs work
You need blank lines between your paragraphs if you don't indent.
This is cute, but it needs massaging to make it funny. Go for the ridiculous and sublime, and provide more examples.
This is cute, but it needs massaging to make it funny. Go for the ridiculous and sublime, and provide more examples.
Huzzah! Somepony is addressing one of the points that always irked me about Testing Testing 1, 2, 3. And this isn't too bad, to be honest. There's definitely an idea with potential here, although it needs just a little more shaping and refinement (and time, I'm guessing) to make it work. Dash's solution, and later comments, felt very true to her character, which I liked, and there's a lot of comic potential to be mined from the scenario. Hopefully I'll see a revised version of this in the future, but thanks for sharing this version too.
“What the actual fuck.”
This kept me laughing for long enough that one of my coworkers asked what was so funny. ^^
I'd like to expand a bit on the advice given above regarding paragraph spacing. It looks like you're bridging the gaps between paragraphs with dialogue. Even if the only content of your paragraph is a single line of dialogue, you still need to separate it by a blank line, like so:
Rainbow Dash couldn't believe it. As she held the sheets of paper in her trembling hooves and began to skim the questions, she could feel her mind implode.
“Is there a problem, newbie?”
“Um, no ma'am. Just excited to finally start my entrance exam.”
This addresses most of the basic formatting issues with this piece, but we need to go one step further. Take a look at this paragraph here:
And with that, Spitfire started their timer. Rainbow began to panic. Several minutes had passed, and she had only answered the most basic questions. Suddenly, her eyes widened. If she couldn't get any points for accuracy, she could at least try to pass with creativity.
In the span of a single sentence, several minutes pass. At the bare minimum, this calls for a new paragraph, but since you also have a shift in Rainbow Dash's attitude (moving from trepidation prior to an event to actual panic during it), it may be more beneficial to go for a scene break - either a soft scene break with an extra pair of blank lines...
... or a hard scene break using a horizontal rule.
The BBC for a horizontal rule (applicable both here on the Writeoff website and on FimFiction) is [ hr ], without the spaces. I tend to favor using hard breaks over soft breaks, but then, I'm a creature who lacks subtlety. >_>
You'll definitely want to put a scene break after "Maybe it would actually work, thought Rainbow Dash." You open the next paragraph with a line of dialogue after a full day has passed, and the hard break will help the punchline have even more impact.
You've got gold here, Writer. Put some elbow grease into polishing it up, and this story will truly shine.
Here in the Wonderbolts, thinking outside the box is a necessity.
You've got a very different Wonderbolts organization than the regimented military one seen in the show. I'll overlook that in the spirit of speculative fiction: give a story one major break from reality for free, to see what it does with the idea.
"What the actual fuck" made me grin. The actual ending/punchline, not so much; it felt like explaining the joke. Or maybe just that what's implied is funnier than what's shown, just like the monster in the darkness is scarier than the dude in the rubber suit waddling through the living room after the screaming heroes.
idk. There's potential here, but it could use some more meat to it.
Tier: Almost There
