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Love, Or Something Like It
"Not as it seems... as it seems..."
Spike sighed, feeling the hooves on his back push him deeper into the massage bed. His lips quirked into a smile, and his eyes drifted closed, letting him focus on the room's background noises.
The steady breathing of the masseurs. The gentle movement of hooves on bodies. The quiet tune playing on a radio somewhere. The softspoken lyrics...
"...not everything is as it seems..."
There was a click, then momentary silence, as if somepony had turned off the radio. Spike's eyes opened and his mouth half-formed a question; but then the masseur hit a pressure point, and he gurgled with a mix of pain and pleasure.
A small laugh from the bed next to his made him turn his head. Rarity lay stretched-out like he was, visible primarily as a single half-open eye beneath the long white towel wrapped around her mane.
"Spike, darling, didn't I tell you a couples' massage would be just the thing to help you forget all your troubles?"
She blinked. Spike startled; for a moment, he thought he saw her eye as red, not blue. But then she blinked again, and it was definitely blue.
Spike's mouth quavered into a frown. "You... did? I can't remember..."
Rarity’s smile grew deeper. "Girls, why don't you give dear Spikey-wikey and I a few moments? We'll call for you when we're finished."
The pressure on his back abated. Spike turned his head quickly, curious to get another... or maybe a first? He wasn't sure... look at the masseurs, but only just managed to catch the private spa room's door clicking shut.
His eyes drifted to a picture hung next to the door; a portrait, indistinct but for the look of urgency in the figure’s eyes. He paused, making an effort to concentrate. The picture resolved itself a bit more clearly, showing a dark coat and a mane of starry blue...
Something blurred at the edge of his vision. He turned, seeing Rarity upon him, pressing forehooves down on either side of his body. "Dearest Spike," she purred. One hoof began a slow stroke down the spines on his back.
He shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut, relishing the sensation. "R... Rarity? What are you..."
"Shhh." She leaned in, brushing his ear with her muzzle. "We're all alone now. Everything you've ever wished we could do together? Now, we can."
Her forehooves gently rolled him onto his side. He swallowed as he watched her rise on her hind legs and undo the towel, sending a cascade of dark, damp mane down upon her body.
For a moment, a pony seemed to peek out from the wake of Rarity’s dark mane, mouth moving soundlessly. Spike blinked, and the pony was gone.
Rarity’s forehooves caressed down her neck, her barrel, and finally her haunches. “What’s wrong, Spikey-wikey? Isn’t this your… dream?”
Spike’s vision swam, and--there, just for an instant--he caught a clearer view of the dark-coated pony, mouth open wide, hoof reaching toward him.
“What’s going on?” he asked, pressing a claw to his forehead.
Rarity glanced behind herself. Spike saw nothing there, but Rarity laughed regardless. “Why, let me simply offer this…”
She leaned closer, bringing a hoof to the base of his skull, pulling him forward. His protests were lost in her warm, soft, but insistent muzzle, and a kiss that set his blood afire.
Her body moved closer, their kisses becoming more passionate. Soon, he felt her begin to climb atop the bed, and then atop him, too…
He pushed her gently, gasping for air. “Wait, Rarity… something’s wrong. I don’t remember coming here.”
"Not enjoying yourself, darling?"
He looked past her again, hoping to catch another glimpse of the other pony. “No, that’s… you don’t know how many times I’ve…”
A hoof brought his head back to face her.
He stared into her eyes… and she was Rarity. He knew it. His whole body knew it. There was no room for doubt.
And yet...
The door flew open again. Spike turned to see a swirling, insane vortex howling at him from beyond. A dark hoof pierced its surface, reaching toward him.
“I’m what you’ve always wanted,” Rarity said, pressing down harder.
The radio switched on again. The song was unchanged: "Not as it seems..."
“I want to give you everything,” she whispered in his ear.
He shuddered, then reached with his claw and somehow clasped the hoof despite the apparent distance.
Rarity gave an unearthly scream as Spike was torn away.
Spike sighed, feeling the hooves on his back push him deeper into the massage bed. His lips quirked into a smile, and his eyes drifted closed, letting him focus on the room's background noises.
The steady breathing of the masseurs. The gentle movement of hooves on bodies. The quiet tune playing on a radio somewhere. The softspoken lyrics...
"...not everything is as it seems..."
There was a click, then momentary silence, as if somepony had turned off the radio. Spike's eyes opened and his mouth half-formed a question; but then the masseur hit a pressure point, and he gurgled with a mix of pain and pleasure.
A small laugh from the bed next to his made him turn his head. Rarity lay stretched-out like he was, visible primarily as a single half-open eye beneath the long white towel wrapped around her mane.
"Spike, darling, didn't I tell you a couples' massage would be just the thing to help you forget all your troubles?"
She blinked. Spike startled; for a moment, he thought he saw her eye as red, not blue. But then she blinked again, and it was definitely blue.
Spike's mouth quavered into a frown. "You... did? I can't remember..."
Rarity’s smile grew deeper. "Girls, why don't you give dear Spikey-wikey and I a few moments? We'll call for you when we're finished."
The pressure on his back abated. Spike turned his head quickly, curious to get another... or maybe a first? He wasn't sure... look at the masseurs, but only just managed to catch the private spa room's door clicking shut.
His eyes drifted to a picture hung next to the door; a portrait, indistinct but for the look of urgency in the figure’s eyes. He paused, making an effort to concentrate. The picture resolved itself a bit more clearly, showing a dark coat and a mane of starry blue...
Something blurred at the edge of his vision. He turned, seeing Rarity upon him, pressing forehooves down on either side of his body. "Dearest Spike," she purred. One hoof began a slow stroke down the spines on his back.
He shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut, relishing the sensation. "R... Rarity? What are you..."
"Shhh." She leaned in, brushing his ear with her muzzle. "We're all alone now. Everything you've ever wished we could do together? Now, we can."
Her forehooves gently rolled him onto his side. He swallowed as he watched her rise on her hind legs and undo the towel, sending a cascade of dark, damp mane down upon her body.
For a moment, a pony seemed to peek out from the wake of Rarity’s dark mane, mouth moving soundlessly. Spike blinked, and the pony was gone.
Rarity’s forehooves caressed down her neck, her barrel, and finally her haunches. “What’s wrong, Spikey-wikey? Isn’t this your… dream?”
Spike’s vision swam, and--there, just for an instant--he caught a clearer view of the dark-coated pony, mouth open wide, hoof reaching toward him.
“What’s going on?” he asked, pressing a claw to his forehead.
Rarity glanced behind herself. Spike saw nothing there, but Rarity laughed regardless. “Why, let me simply offer this…”
She leaned closer, bringing a hoof to the base of his skull, pulling him forward. His protests were lost in her warm, soft, but insistent muzzle, and a kiss that set his blood afire.
Her body moved closer, their kisses becoming more passionate. Soon, he felt her begin to climb atop the bed, and then atop him, too…
He pushed her gently, gasping for air. “Wait, Rarity… something’s wrong. I don’t remember coming here.”
"Not enjoying yourself, darling?"
He looked past her again, hoping to catch another glimpse of the other pony. “No, that’s… you don’t know how many times I’ve…”
A hoof brought his head back to face her.
He stared into her eyes… and she was Rarity. He knew it. His whole body knew it. There was no room for doubt.
And yet...
The door flew open again. Spike turned to see a swirling, insane vortex howling at him from beyond. A dark hoof pierced its surface, reaching toward him.
“I’m what you’ve always wanted,” Rarity said, pressing down harder.
The radio switched on again. The song was unchanged: "Not as it seems..."
“I want to give you everything,” she whispered in his ear.
He shuddered, then reached with his claw and somehow clasped the hoof despite the apparent distance.
Rarity gave an unearthly scream as Spike was torn away.
Well. That happened. Sadly, this isn’t the best format for psychological thrills, but you definitely made the most of what you had available. I’d love to see this stretch out more—if nothing else, I’d like to know precisely what happened—but it was still a wonderful bit of surrealism.
Spike has a dream about Rarity wanting to bone him.
There are some indications this is not an ordinary dream, but a dream he is trapped in, possibly by some sort of succubus-type creature, and that Luna is trying to rescue him from it, though it might simply be that he doesn’t want to have dream-sex with Rarity and Luna helps rescue him from something he knows is hurtful (as apparently, this isn’t the first time he’s had a dream like this about Rarity).
Unfortunately, as >>FanOfMostEverything , this is one of those stories where “Well, that happened,” and we’re left without a greater context to why the situation was important. Absent that context, there isn't much here.
There are some indications this is not an ordinary dream, but a dream he is trapped in, possibly by some sort of succubus-type creature, and that Luna is trying to rescue him from it, though it might simply be that he doesn’t want to have dream-sex with Rarity and Luna helps rescue him from something he knows is hurtful (as apparently, this isn’t the first time he’s had a dream like this about Rarity).
Unfortunately, as >>FanOfMostEverything , this is one of those stories where “Well, that happened,” and we’re left without a greater context to why the situation was important. Absent that context, there isn't much here.
This is perfectly written, but it feels a bit ambitious for a minific: it's not a completely self-contained story, and it seems like there should be more of a payoff for the reader at the end. Those are minor quibbles, though.
Genre: Horror?
Thoughts: I'm pretty sure this is a cool little horror piece that aims a bit high for what the minific format allows. However, there's a chance that it's actually just a slice-of-life where Luna is trying to save Spike from the embarrassment of *ahem* nocturnal emissions. :trollestia:
In all seriousness, this worked for me for the most part, but the ending needs something more. The closing line in particular reads like an attempt to provide some clarity and closure to the situation, but it doesn't get me far enough. I didn't feel like there was enough natural build-up either to the door opening, or to Spike's decision to reach out. I'd also like to get a clearer sense of what's at stake, and what the consequences of Spike's decision would look like either way.
Tier: Almost there
Thoughts: I'm pretty sure this is a cool little horror piece that aims a bit high for what the minific format allows. However, there's a chance that it's actually just a slice-of-life where Luna is trying to save Spike from the embarrassment of *ahem* nocturnal emissions. :trollestia:
In all seriousness, this worked for me for the most part, but the ending needs something more. The closing line in particular reads like an attempt to provide some clarity and closure to the situation, but it doesn't get me far enough. I didn't feel like there was enough natural build-up either to the door opening, or to Spike's decision to reach out. I'd also like to get a clearer sense of what's at stake, and what the consequences of Spike's decision would look like either way.
Tier: Almost there
This story gives me an uncomfortableness, Writer, but in a good way. I suspect it was your intent to create a pervasive feeling of disorientation and wrongness to the events that unfold, and if so, you succeeded admirably. This was a strong start to my slate.
My one main criticism is that I feel you tip your hand a bit too early in the narrative - from the moment Rarity's eye flashes from blue to red to blue again, I had a general sense for how this story was going to play out (though I didn't grok the It's A Dream part until Luna showed up in the portrait), and because of that, "Rarity's" sultriness was automatically suspect. It may have more of an impact if you hold off until after Luna appears in the portrait for that particular reveal, to have an opportunity to pull the rug out from under the reader. Still, I really like the implication that Luna was having significant trouble getting through to Spike due to whatever defenses the creature-pretending-to-be-Rarity had set up.
That brings me to a second point, but I'm not sure how, or even if, it should be addressed - I don't have a good sense of the stakes at play in this story. Luna's involvement in and of itself lends weight to the conflict, and her urgency heightens that feeling quite a bit, but I don't know what the consequences would be if Spike failed to snap out of it, aside from "dire". Still, when it comes to horror, the more you see/know of the monster, the less impact it has, so this is probably just a personal hangup of mine (and a minor one at that).
Don't misunderstand me, Writer, I dig this story - well done.
My one main criticism is that I feel you tip your hand a bit too early in the narrative - from the moment Rarity's eye flashes from blue to red to blue again, I had a general sense for how this story was going to play out (though I didn't grok the It's A Dream part until Luna showed up in the portrait), and because of that, "Rarity's" sultriness was automatically suspect. It may have more of an impact if you hold off until after Luna appears in the portrait for that particular reveal, to have an opportunity to pull the rug out from under the reader. Still, I really like the implication that Luna was having significant trouble getting through to Spike due to whatever defenses the creature-pretending-to-be-Rarity had set up.
That brings me to a second point, but I'm not sure how, or even if, it should be addressed - I don't have a good sense of the stakes at play in this story. Luna's involvement in and of itself lends weight to the conflict, and her urgency heightens that feeling quite a bit, but I don't know what the consequences would be if Spike failed to snap out of it, aside from "dire". Still, when it comes to horror, the more you see/know of the monster, the less impact it has, so this is probably just a personal hangup of mine (and a minor one at that).
Don't misunderstand me, Writer, I dig this story - well done.
Nicely done, Writer. I think the format of the minific works against you somewhat, forcing some of the hints into being more noticeable than they would be within a longer story, but you handle your available resources very well. I agree with >>Icenrose that I didn't get too much of a sense of the stakes at play, but again, word economy probably prevented this more than it being an unconsidered element.
I'm also probably in the camp that would have welcomed an even more ambiguous ending, if I'm being honest. I think it would have suited the tone of the narrative better.
I enjoyed this; thanks for sharing your work. If it is ever expanded on then you'll find me among its readers.
I'm also probably in the camp that would have welcomed an even more ambiguous ending, if I'm being honest. I think it would have suited the tone of the narrative better.
I enjoyed this; thanks for sharing your work. If it is ever expanded on then you'll find me among its readers.
Maybe its because of my last entry, but I just went 'Welp, Dream Matrix, maybe Changelings' and succubus-pony is close enough. Odd tale. Definitely needs a little more resolution, but the rest feels mostly solid. I do agree - cut the blue -> red part early on, that gives the game away too soon.
There's not really enough here for me to care about, sorry.
The intent is to capture that dreamlike quality, sure, but that also means that... everything just happens without feeling like there's an important logical series of events to follow along with. If you want to write this as psychological horror, we need to see any of Spike's emotions at all, more than just the most surface-level discomfort.
The intent is to capture that dreamlike quality, sure, but that also means that... everything just happens without feeling like there's an important logical series of events to follow along with. If you want to write this as psychological horror, we need to see any of Spike's emotions at all, more than just the most surface-level discomfort.
Love, Or Something Like It — A — Poor Spike. Will he ever get the mare of his dreams? Or is he just going to be stuck dreaming. Existential dread does not sell well for me, so I’m grading this one a little harder than expected. Technically and structurally very high marks, and I’m looking forward to seeing this expanded into a full length story.
Love, Or Something Like It -- A Retrospective, Or Something Like One
First of all, thank you to >>FanOfMostEverything, >>TitaniumDragon, >>Trick_Question, >>Icenrose, >>Ceffyl_Dwr, >>Morning Sun, >>Exuno, and >>georg for your comments! It seems like the general consensus is that a clearer sense of what's at stake would help, as well as more of a resolution. The "red eyes" thing also should have been handled differently. If anyone would be interested in reading and commenting on an expanded version, you can do that here; I would love to get another round of feedback before posting this on FimFiction.
Speaking generally: this piece was ambitious, and it didn't come off quite as smoothly as I hoped, but the concept spoke to me and I'm glad it was well-received. Of course I was a bit surprised and nervous when I learned this wasn't the only Rarity-impersonator-seduces-Spike story in the Writeoff, but c'est la vie.
Thank you everyone for giving me another shot at the finals!