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In Over Your Head · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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Almost As You Left It
Canterlot Castle lay still in the twilight hours just before dawn. The silence broken only by the occasional clank of armour on armour of patrolling guard and the hushed patter of the maids about their duty.

The front door opened with a bang. “Hellooo Canterlot!” Princess Luna exclaimed, striding through the doors. She was wearing a broad grin and a shirt that read ‘Blame my Sister’. “It is so good to be back.”

“Luna, ponies are trying to sleep.” Celestia followed her, a small flotilla of bags, suitcases and a still lit tiki lamp held aloft in her magic.

“Don’t be such a stick in the mud, Tia.” Luna stuck her tongue out at her. “One of the best parts of a vacation is returning home. Well, that and reminiscing. Tell me that stallion you had your eye on, what was her name again?”

Celestia glowered, sweeping past Luna. “We are never mentioning that again.”

“That’s what you think.”

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight appeared at the top of the grand staircase, wearing her full regalia and her mane blazing like the aurora. “You made it.”

“And Princess Luna too,” Luna muttered, as Twilight spread her wings and glided over to her mentor.

“Yes, Twilight. It turns out the sleeper train is a wonderful invention, as you suggested.” Celestia smiled. “And how has Canterlot been in our absence?”

“Oh wonderful, just wonderful.” Twilight gave a sheepish grin. “Well... I suppose there were a few teething problems, but I think I got them sorted out by the end.”

“Wednesday did seem a little over-long, but I don’t think we were complaining.”

“Nor was Wind Whisper,” Luna cut in. Celestia glowered at her. “Umm... I’ll go put our cases away, shall I?”

“You do that. Twilight and I have to raise the sun.” Luna beat a hasty retreat. Celestia turned back to Twilight and the pair set off at a trot through the castle. “So, the nobility were no trouble?”

“Oh no. Not at all,” Twilight said, her smile never fading. “I may have had to hand out a few remedial friendship lessons but I think they stuck this time.”

Celestia laughed, picturing Twilight in full lecture mode before the court. Blueblood would be insufferable for months “We can only hope. All fine with the sun and moon? I’m sure the early mornings came to you as a shock.”

“Funny you should mention those... Tell me, are you familiar with the work of Clopernicus?”

“Passingly.” Celestia frowned. “A stallion of great intellect and the most prolific writer of pornography of the modern era.”

Twilight went bright red. “Umm, I was referring to his scientific work. He has a fascinating model where the sun forms the centre of the solar system, not Equestria.”

“Oh? I was under the impression he was making a dig at my weight.”

“He may have been doing two things,” Twilight admitted. “Anyway, cross referencing against the work of Palomino Palominei and his observations on distant stars I had a wonderful idea.”

The pair stepped out onto one of the castle’s many broad balconies. Far across Equestria the sun was just rising over the horizon, spilling golden light across the scattered farms and villages.

Celestia frowned, glancing at Twilight whose horn was devoid of magic. She felt her stomach drop. “Twilight, what have you done?”

Twilight beamed “I fixed the sun! See, it was running out of fuel and far smaller than it should have been. That’s why you’ve had to keep raising it every morning. I topped it back up with a few of the lower visibility stars that Luna was keeping around and put it back to a safe distance.”

“Twilight, are you telling me–”

“Yes! We’re now orbiting the sun,” Twilight continued in an excited rush. “It’s going to save so much time. No more sun raising, no more early morning starts for you and if I’ve done my calculations correctly we’ll even be able to have the seasons change on their own.”

Celestia just stared in open mouthed horror. “Have you... told anypony about this?” she began, picking her words with great care. Perhaps the situation could still be salvaged.

“I made an announcement in the papers this morning.” Twilight frowned. “Is that a problem?”

“Sister!” Luna bellowed, landing hard next to the pair. “The peasants have massed before the gates chanting, ‘down with the former sun-tyrant’. Have you seen my mace?”

“Ooh, now I get it.”

Celestia facehooved. This was why she didn’t take vacations.
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#1 · 2
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This story has a lot of quick, snappy dialogue that sounds exactly like the characters. It also has a life of its own, it's very organic. It also reveals a lot about what happened on the trip—while keeping things tantalizingly secret—what happened at Canterlot—without boring with unnecessary details—and what happened with the sun—giving it enough detail for it to seem like a true change. I honestly can't provide any criticism about the dialogue. It was hilarious and enlightening at the same time.

The situation itself is quite believable, and it's exciting to think about what went on in Twilight's mind and what the implications of her actions are. The small actions themselves, like the sheepish grin and even the facehoof, were utilized well. I can't criticize any of that as well.

The only thing I would criticize is that Twilight doesn't seem excited about showing Celestia what she's done. I think "fixing a problem" like she did would've been cause for more enthusiasm. But that could just be me.

Overall, it was well-written. I enjoyed it. I apologize for not being able to say more about it.

As for my single criticism, take my word for whatever it is. I'm not particularly smart, so please judge this on your own terms. Whatever happens, I wish you success wherever you go.
#2 · 1
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A lot of fun:

Yes, the piece had pervasive period problems, if I might become alliterative for a moment, and the end comes in out of nowhere--I'd need more build-up to the idea that Celestia here is considered a tyrant, author, before I'll buy a mob at the palace gates. Maybe drop in something about how she only killed a few ponies while on vacation, or go the other way and establish that Clopernicus and Palomino were notorious anti-Celestia partisans and that Twilight has now stirred up their modern descendants. A nice way to start my reading this time around!

Mike
#3 · 5
· · >>horizon
Tell me that stallion you had your eye on, what was her name again?
I have several questions.

That is a pretty darn fantastic ponification of Galileo.

As for the ending… Well, this is clearly a random comedy, one I shouldn’t take too seriously; Luna’s shirt is all the indication I need for that. Still, I’m hard-pressed to buy the peasant revolt. Just what has Celestia done to so incite their ire? So, yeah, the punchline fell rather flat, which is never a good thing in a joke fic. Improve the story’s cohesion and it will be fantastic.
#4 · 3
· · >>horizon
Tell me that stallion you had your eye on, what was her name again?”


"Trick Question, you say?" :trollestia:

The ending doesn't fit for me, because Celestia is meticulous about raising and lowering the Sun. The ponies have no reason to hate her so I can't understand why they'd be up in arms.

Also, it's "facehoofed", not "facehooved". Compounding English nouns doesn't halfway-pluralize them for no reason.
#5 · 2
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I was disoriented for a moment getting started, thinking that this was a story about Luna coming back from her banishment, but fortunately it made a lot more sense as both of them returning from a shared vacation. Maybe "Helllooooo again, Canterlot"?

Even if the prose is rough in places, the banter here is great. Definite high point of my reading so far.

“And Princess Luna too,” Luna muttered, as Twilight spread her wings and glided over to her mentor.


This felt off to me — perhaps because it felt more serious than the rest, or because that's something that genuinely could hurt Luna (and I was primed by my initial assumption to see it and wince). Given the implied Twilestia and forward time-skip, it might make sense retroactively that Twilight would do this, but not that she'd use "Princess" or "mentor", nor that she'd ignore Luna completely; I think you want to make Twilight's greeting far more familiar, or else do a lot more lampshading of your AU here. (I think this is funnier as a future fic rather than an AU fic.)

>>FanOfMostEverything >>Trick_Question
I think the implication is that Celestia mistook a mare for a stallion, and made heterosexual romantic advances at her. Which … well, even setting aside that it's vaguely leaning on transphobia for a punchline, would be more logical of a joke if ponies wore clothes. :V

(I should specify that the joke didn't bother me, and I think it did contribute to the friendly antagonism of the sisterly banter that made this piece strong. But at the same time, it took me a moment to parse, and it didn't make me laugh.)

“Nor was Wind Whisper,” Luna cut in.


To strengthen the joke here you probably want to insert WW's name after the "What was her name again?" line. (And if you're gonna keep it in, you ought to double down on it: instead of Wind Whisper make the "stallion"s name something ridiculously froo-froo like Frilly Lace.)

Clopernicus made me laugh. Palomino was a nice touch too.

Agreed with the others that the ending needs massaging, but this was overall quite enjoyable, and holds together well both thematically and narratively.

Tier: Strong
#6 · 2
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Falls down somewhat at the ending, but there's a heck of a lot to enjoy up until that moment. Sparkling banter which felt incredibly natural, and some brilliant little moments (Clopernicus) kept a smile on my face throughout. A little spit and polish, and fluffing up of that ending, and this will be great. Actually, it's already great... It would be great+.

Thanks for sharing your work.


And that's every fic commented on! Phew. Now to finish ranking them all. Thank you, ponies, for providing entertaining and interesting material for me to read and comment on. You all get a hoof-bump from me.
#7 ·
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Tell me that stallion you had your eye on, what was her name again?”


Yes, this was amusing. I am assuming it was accidental 'Tia thinks the girl was a boy' but it could go many ways.

Anyhow - fun, fun, fun till the end, which doesn't quite....pop, for lack of a better word. It's a bit predictable, too, the 'Ponies are rabble rabble rabble because Sun Tyrant'.

Not sure what to suggest to fix it - probably some kind of magical hullabaloo or something caused by a heliocentric solar system.
#8 ·
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Almost As You Left It - B- - Okay, first two sentences right off the bat are confusing and need fixed. There’s a lot of that, like referring to a stallion as ‘her’ and the rather abrupt beginning which does not ‘set the scene’ at all before dropping the three characters into it. A for concept, C for implementation, and looking forward to seeing this cleaned up and expanded.
#9 ·
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This was amusing. I thought it was cute, but I think it suffered a bit from, as Horizon noted, a bit of jitteriness – at first it seemed like it was about Luna returning from the Moon, and it took a bit to settle into being the silly comedy thing that it was. It was obviously pretty irreverent towards the source material, but it was amusing in its own way. Clopernicus was a great joke/pun, and I thought that a lot of this was fairly funny.

Apart from the introduction, I’m not sure if the ending quite ended up panning out as strongly as it could have – I think if the story had instead played up Twilight having been a bit more at odds with the nobles, it would have sold the ending a bit better (and could have been down with ALL the princesses, not just Sunbutt).

Still, I can’t say I didn’t smile a little.
#10 ·
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Hee hee. Clopernicus. :-p

It takes a while for the central concept here to be introduced, and I think that works against the story as a whole. The beginning is a little rough as well; maybe merging and shortening the first two sentences would help things start with more of a bang. I didn't mind the ending, as I was sufficiently engaged in the story by that point to follow the situation's absurdity.

Also:
armour on armour


This is all I could think of. (YouTube Video) :-p

Tier: Almost There
#11 ·
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In the first paragraph, the full stop should be a comma. That makes for a pretty long, mouthful sentence so you should rephrase.

Gate then gates? How many are there?
The idea of Celestia and Luna letting Twilight at the tiller is not new, but her reordering the celestial bodies is fun.
The major gripes here are the puns, which are not that great and distract rather than add anything, and the end which is clearly meh.
#12 ·
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The basic plot and the humour are pretty good. The joke is solid, though a little dated. I'd like to like it more, but for me it falls flat for simple technical reasons.

There are grammar issues sprinkled throughout, some of the descriptions are a tad confusing, forcing a second read to understand what's going on, and in other places they are too simplistic, lacking immersive power. There's nothing fatally wrong with it, but all those little flaws add up to drive me away from "being there". To paraphrase Family Guy: "I'm very aware that I'm reading something on a screen right now."

It's a good story - it just needs to be told in better words. A good editor or two would probably do wonders here.
#13 ·
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Pretty much in agreement with what's been said. There's a solid understanding of humor here, and it brought a smile to my face for most of the read; but it's kind of rough in flow on micro and macro ends. A bit more time to smooth it out, and a bit more space to let some of the jokes breathe instead of skip from one to the next, and you have a solid comedy here.
#14 ·
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The word I think of when I think about this fic is "substantial": It does what it sets out to do fairly competently, and nothing more. No new characterization, no deep narrative, just a good rib-tickler about why Celly and Luna don't go on vacations. There certainly were a few good jokes here ("And Luna too" and "Clopernicus" being my favorites), and it does a decent job of building to an equally insane climax. I wasn't laughing hard, but I certainly chuckled a few times. In that sense, I suppose it's perfectly fine.