>>PinoyPony
I don’t think there’s an official rationale behind abstention. You can abstain for whatever reason you like, you don’t have to come out with a justification. Some people abstain because, for example, they think a fic is good but for whatever reason they're not in the audience for it, so rather than dock it, they just shirk.

>>PinoyPony
I'd say the criteria you mention sound reasonable.

Every so often I use it for stories that are hard turn-offs for reasons that have nothing to do with technical merit or thematic consistency.

It's, like, Changelings, mare! - OR IS IT?

Yea, this did 'Quick scary story' quite well.

I finished reading and voting on every fic!

review for each entry I haven't commented on yet: "it was okay"

I concur with FOME that the setup gives away the identity of the pioneers almost right away.

This is cute but tastes of déjà vu. I mean Bookplayer wrote, some rounds ago, something very similar about filly Twilight's perilous voyage through her house transformed into a volcano, in a quest for the cookie jar. With the exception of featuring two heroes instead of one, this sounds pretty much the same. I'm still ranking it pretty high, but not as high as it could've been.

“What the actual fuck.”

This kept me laughing for long enough that one of my coworkers asked what was so funny. ^^

I'd like to expand a bit on the advice given above regarding paragraph spacing. It looks like you're bridging the gaps between paragraphs with dialogue. Even if the only content of your paragraph is a single line of dialogue, you still need to separate it by a blank line, like so:

Rainbow Dash couldn't believe it. As she held the sheets of paper in her trembling hooves and began to skim the questions, she could feel her mind implode.

“Is there a problem, newbie?”

“Um, no ma'am. Just excited to finally start my entrance exam.”

This addresses most of the basic formatting issues with this piece, but we need to go one step further. Take a look at this paragraph here:

And with that, Spitfire started their timer. Rainbow began to panic. Several minutes had passed, and she had only answered the most basic questions. Suddenly, her eyes widened. If she couldn't get any points for accuracy, she could at least try to pass with creativity.

In the span of a single sentence, several minutes pass. At the bare minimum, this calls for a new paragraph, but since you also have a shift in Rainbow Dash's attitude (moving from trepidation prior to an event to actual panic during it), it may be more beneficial to go for a scene break - either a soft scene break with an extra pair of blank lines...



... or a hard scene break using a horizontal rule.

---

The BBC for a horizontal rule (applicable both here on the Writeoff website and on FimFiction) is [ hr ], without the spaces. I tend to favor using hard breaks over soft breaks, but then, I'm a creature who lacks subtlety. >_>

You'll definitely want to put a scene break after "Maybe it would actually work, thought Rainbow Dash." You open the next paragraph with a line of dialogue after a full day has passed, and the hard break will help the punchline have even more impact.

You've got gold here, Writer. Put some elbow grease into polishing it up, and this story will truly shine.

Having the story not only start with a title drop, but be bookended by them, is a bold choice, Writer. For consistency, I'd recommend having the first "Reality shattered" separated into it's own paragraph, but that's just me being nitpicky.

The main problem I have is that I can't tell what information Lyra is aware of at which point in the story. Early on, you mention that this is the thirty-seventh time she's tried and failed to resolve the issue, but when she wakes up and trots over to the desk, she reads the journal as though learning of her predicament for the first time. Does reality shattering suddenly allow her to remember all of the previous attempts? Is the journal travelling back in time with her, and she's updating it each time she fails? These are important things to outline so that I can have a clearer understanding of what the parameters are of the recursion loop poor Lyra seems to be stuck in.

I've rated all of the stories. It was hard.

My top tier, in order:

Too Close for Comfort
Threads
Under the Bed
The Lighthouse and the Sea

Secondary shipping-related tier, just below:

I'm Sure You Have Some Questions
Rainbow Dash And Her Secret Place (sic)
Her Royal Coffee With Sugar

… leaving the bed as hostile and uncomfortable as Mrs. Prosody’s literature composition class.

Great line.

The opening as a whole, however, threw me. I'm pretty sure I see what you're going for — the humorous juxtaposition between Shining Armor waking up in bed, and the stereotypical interrogation scene of someone tied to a chair in a bare room underneath a single spotlight — but the images here felt more to me like they were clashing than contrasting. For example:

This level of discomfort, this atrocity against an innocent teenage stallion …

You've got the right idea here — which is to take a scenario that's merely a source of discomfort and to describe it in hyperbolic language that makes it sound like a pony gulag — but the execution slips. That sentence doesn't have a contrast between mild events and severe descriptions, it has two descriptions from the same narrative voice that wildly vary in their severity. That's just self-contradiction.

And what's more, the intended level of exaggeration isn't even clear to me, since we're not talking about unfluffed pillows here — we're talking about light that literally is so bright it hurts through closed eyelids. I'm just not sure whether describing that as torture is meant to be satirical or accurate, and since it kinda shades toward the latter for me, it ruins the humor of it.

(Relatedly: I'm finding it hard to comprehend how, after realizing that burying his face in a pillow isn't helping, Shining even bothers trying to close the curtains. Or how he's orienting to the curtains if he can't open his eyes due to the light. Finally, this is more nitpicky/didn't bother me as much while reading, but: how is Twilight not blinding herself?)

I agree with above comments that Twilight's donut demand felt too-far to me, and I think this is very much related to the problem I just described. Comedy is tragedy plus distance; Celestia randomly dropping anvils onto ponies from the top of a tower is funny, but a graphic description of her breaking the legs of a weeping mother protecting her foal isn't, even though both of them are equal distortions of her character. If the Enhanced Interrogation Techniques™ in the first section of this story were obviously humorously exaggerated, Twilight would feel more like a parody and less creepy, but the story shades uncomfortably toward her inflicting actual pain, and so her sociopathy feels serious.

I think this would be pretty good if those issues were smoothed out in editing. I didn't have any particular problems with the second scene, though the logic faults pointed out by other commenters are worth addressing/lampshading. The first scene has its heart in the right place; it just needs to straighten out those tonal problems.

Tier: Almost There

Nitpick: Might want to establish up front that they're both in [edit] the cell{s}. My brain grabbed for the assumption that Twilight had gotten arrested and Celestia was lecturing her from outside, and I had to backtrack a bit to reframe that.

The line "Luna will come around" also raised more questions than it answered for me; it felt like this story's one big miss. Even in the context of the story's later exposition, I don't understand why Luna reacted so strongly to (presumably) Celestia's changeling lover, especially since Celestia's the one who really suffered at Chrysalis' hoofpendages, and Luna slept through the whole wedding. Or why Twilight didn't react that strongly, having been at the epicenter of that, especially since it has such strong potential to paint Celestia's rejection/lecture/dismissal of her Cadance concerns in a terrible new light.

But that aside, this is surprisingly strong. It's basically SS&E/theworstwriter's "The Numbers Don't Lie" in minific format, and it makes quite good use of its space. The slow reveal in particular is well-paced and its escalation well-handled. I want to read more, but I don't feel much shortchanged by it ending where it did, which is a lovely balancing act.

Tier: Top Contender

>>horizon
I'm pretty sure it's just Celestia in the cell, since Twilight is on the far side of the bars, trying to get closer to Celestia's comforting embrace, towards the beginning of the fic. Also, the Writer generalizes by saying a changeling queen, so perhaps there's more than one?

>>horizon
>>Icenrose
Agreed with Icenrose, except for the 'a' implying plural.

More specifically, the reason it's confusing is that the author is trying to make us think Twilight is in the cell at first, then make Celestia being the one in the cell a twist. I think that approach is more trouble than its worth, though.

Show vs. tell again. I gave some context/opinions for that in >>horizon that might help here. But no matter your opinion on the question of show vs. tell, I think there's one rule on which we can all agree: don't show and tell the same information. Such as:

"Maybe," said Roseheart, still apprehensive about Derpy's plan.

Oblivious to Roseheart's skepticism, Derpy turned toward the water and tested the temperature with a hoof. Shivering slightly, she stepped further into the lake. "Alright, wish me luck!"

I think any reasonable reader would infer from Roseheart's noncommittal answer and her earlier dubious questioning that she was apprehensive and skeptical. Your dialogue does a fine job already of showing us Roseheart's mood/reaction — piling on blatantly telly confirmations just wastes words on redundancy. Redundantly. With wasted words.

You're already doing a good job avoiding this in places, such as the lake description implied by Derpy's behavior above. What temperature is the water? I don't think there's a single reader who would say anything other than "cold", and yet you never used the word. That's exactly how to pull off showing.

There's two main issues to fix here with editing, author. The first is to reread the story with an aggressive eye toward the show-vs-telliness of your prose; trust your descriptions some more to carry through the meanings that the current story beats us over the head with. The second … mmm. The ending is a little weird/creepy/morbid, but that's not the problem so much as a symptom of a larger tonal aimlessness. The story shifts from gentle slice of life to a literal near-fatal drowning to a cheerful near-punchline. It takes some finesse to mix tones to that extent, and while I'm a standard-bearer for that kind of layered storytelling, stars know I wouldn't try it in a minific. While the prose problem should be a fairly straightforward fix, the tone issue here is more of a structural issue, so it might take some tearing apart and rebuilding. Pick a single mood or theme and try to align the story so everything you include contributes to that. A number of the individual sentences/paragraphs show that you're capable of that level of prose; now it's time to work on consistency and coherency.

Tier: Needs Work

>>Trick_Question
Can I ask how you see the spoilered line as less equivocal? For me, adding "After a moment" at the beginning actually increases that effect, since it's directly showing us a moment of contrasting emotion that she's feeling besides the one she's projecting on the surface.

Like everyone else, I found the ending too ambiguous and confusing. My best guess, based on these parts:

"You made it," said Bon Bon.
...
"You did [die]," said Bon Bon.

Is that they both died and made it to whatever the pony equivalent of Heaven is. Otherwise, it doesn't make much sense for Bon Bon to tell Lyra that she made it and that she died.

I also kept wondering why Lyra didn't use her magic to help. I'm sure she could have at least used it to escape from the tangleweed.

I think it's a good story overall, but you probably should have used those extra 65 words to add some clarity.

I saw the twist coming a mile away, but that last line was still quite effective, if a bit melodramatic. I felt that the second scene was a bit weaker than the first, though I can't put my finger on why.

A very good effort. I expect this story to place highly.

>>horizon
What >>Icenrose said. As for the part about Luna, I believe that the faded thread that is mentioned is connecting Luna to Twilight, not Celestia. And I think that Luna is angry at Twilight for casting the spell for all of the same reasons that everypony else doesn't like it, not specifically because it revealed her sister's relationship with a changeling queen. And I wouldn't be surprised if the threads reconfirmed her old fears that everypony likes Celestia more than her.

This seems like more of a start to an interesting story than a story itself. I'd like to read the full version, but this small snippet of it leaves me more confused than anything else.

Very nice:

But I'd like more worry from Starlight at the beginning. I mean, maybe Starlight doesn't get invited to a lotta tea parties, but I'm pretty sure even she would know that they don't usually happen before six o'clock in the morning. And she'll hafta be on the train traveling all night, too, so use that to start your metaphor--Starlight passing from darkness into light and that sorta thing.

Mike

Just speaking personally:

I'd prefer to have Spike's flames send the changeling to Princess Celestia rather than burn her to slag, but I've always been quite squeamish. Other than that, though, a very good piece.

Mike

I'll echo the others:

And say we need to know more about WInter and less about the restaurant. It's even more difficult to make this much description work when the POV character is a regular visitor--why is Winter noticing all this stuff now if she goes there so often? I'll also go along with those who'd like to see a longer version.

Mike

That was a nice read on the whole, and I’m especially grateful to you for changing character every 100 words or so. I think if you'd rambled on the whole minific on the same character, it would've been much less effective.

The Pinkie Pie part left me wondering. If anypony in Ponyville is an immortal alicorn, “They thought about how they would someday visit each other's graves centuries from now, while shedding a nostalgic tear.” doesn't make sense at all.

Welp. I suppose making sense is not the point of this story.

The Fluttershy part was definitely the best. 'grats for pulling that out.

I must admit, I was pretty curious to know what the others thought. That added further spice.

Decently, I can't place this atop my slate, but neither can I place it way down. So it landed right in the middle.

The restrictions of the word count are quite noticeable, but I actually don't mind the impact on the second half of the story. It adopts a certain fairy tale style to the narrative and it works well, in my opinion. What makes it feel suddenly abrupt/fast is how that style clashes with the more descriptive one used in the first half.

Everyone else has made good points, too, and I would echo those. This was interesting, but needs some more development around the impact of its central concept.

Thanks for sharing your work!

Frankly, I was expecting a more NSFW second part. The path you chose was a bit of a let-down.

The English is clunky, especially at start: “This is definitely it!” Twilight Sparkle declared, nerdish giddiness notching up the volume of her words as she levitated the jewel-bound tome toward her companion. A complex arrangement of crystal petals forming a flower roughly the size of a filly’s head was illustrated on the current page, visually identical in every respect to the curious artifact sitting on the table between them. It was even coloured accurately. “The Crystal Sun-Blossom.”

What is “nerdish giddiness” exactly? Also, “notching up the volume of her words” (don’t you have in store something more flowery? :P) and the second sentence sounds really awkward.

And most of all, I don’t get the premise. What’s this spell about? What’s the Crystal Sun-Blossom? How did they get in that tight spot in the first place?

It's a nice idea, and well executed, though I always recoil a little when characters bluntly throw around phrases like "existential dread" within their dialogue; it always seems quite heavy-hooved. Still, I enjoyed this one. Thanks for sharing.

The points I was going to raise have already been covered in detail by ponies. There's a promising concept here, but one that doesn't quite escape its execution. Thanks for sharing your work, though.

Cute story, though I wonder why, given their existing relationship with Twilight, the CMC chose to go down this particular route? Could it be that they've already helped everypony in Ponyville?

I echo the thoughts of others, that a greater anchoring of location would have helped the initial moments of the story. I get the feeling that you are going for a deliberate slow-feed of information, but there still needs to be more at this initial stage. At the very least, referencing something like heavy banging against the door at various points would allow for the building of some light tension, and this would have underpinned the antics of the CMC quite nicely.

I'm not sure what the second half brings to the table, to be honest. I think it might have been better to reference the decree there, as others have said, or otherwise used it for a punchline that required less space, so that you could have focused more on the CMC doing what they do best.

At any rate, it was quite fun. Thanks for sharing your work.

Some minor typos.

Well, I’m not sold on this one. Found myself skimming over it, which is kind of nasty in a 750-words story. Maybe it’s the massive repetition of words such as ‘strum’, ‘bow’, that threw me off, or maybe the slightly awkward descriptions related to music. I don't really know, but I didn’t feel engaged. Sorry, author.

I think I’ll abstain on this one.

Well, firearm stories are a hard turn-off for me, and this is no exception. Where would Twilight get a shotgun in the first place, and, even if we disregard this, why would she simply drop it with a users' manual and not actually take a moment to show AJ how it's working?

(Not to say that I've a slight problem figuring out how a pony can hold a shotgun and press the trigger at the same time.)

And the final part with RD feels really off. I mean, I've no problem imagining RD shot, but the way she reacts here is totally unrealistic. She crashes, she should be at least unconscious and bleeding hard. The way you wrote it, it came across to me as her having sprained an ankle, or having just a single damaged feather. Or, more precisely, as in some comics (or cartoons) where you see people/animals being shot at drawn as having a hole inside them.

Of course I see the nonsensical humour here, but the execution is botched, and thus I didn't find the story that funny.

Discord's cropping up a fair bit in this round! This is pretty entertaining, but would feel a whole lot more complete outside of the confines of its minific form. I liked the idea of the montage, but I think the sequences would shine even more as expanded vignettes.

Pretty good characterisation of Discord too. That's no mean feat! Thanks for sharing your work.

You know, I actually quite liked the contrast between the dark tone and the known Equestria setting. It really worked for me. It needs a spit and polish though, spelling and grammar-wise.

I would have perhaps liked to have seen more of the narrator's character shine through in the text. I appreciate the direction behind the piece, but it felt a little flat and lifeless at times, as though I was reading a summary from a text book or in a museum. I think that's perhaps why I didn't quite feel the tragedy as much as was (probably) intended. You had reached the word limit already, though, so I appreciate that there might not have been space to achieve this in the story's current form.

Interesting setting, and an honest meaning behind the words. I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.

There were some cute moments to be found in here, but the story itself didn't hold my attention as much as I hoped. I can't think of too much to offer as a critique, so that fact might just be down to reader preference rather than an issue with the story itself. Punchline is pretty adorable, though.

Thanks for sharing your work!

Good job. Descriptions especially stand out here. This is deliciously silly.

The only gripe would be the lack of context: what is this piece? Is it a parody? Is it something supposed to happen in Equestria? Is it foal play? In the latter case, you could have it interrupted by the tolling of the bell signalling the end of a recess. I was at a loss placing this story and it detracted something from it at the end.

You like ‘crackled to life’, don't you? :P

Thanks for choosing Bric-à-Brac as a name.

Welcome to the finals.

That... wasn't much of an interrogation. :trollestia: Shining got off lightly there, methinks.

I do think I would have preferred to see the scene play out more, and really embrace the sense of exaggeration it teases us with at the start. Particularly as I don't think the final scene really adds much to the narrative; it could have been cut and the words reinvested elsewhere to make Shining really (comically) squirm.

But yeah, cute. Thanks for sharing.

As a reviewer, it's a pretty daunting task to come after Horizon because he doesn't left much unsaid. So yeah, pratically, I concur with all that was already mentioned. I didn't get at first that you were depicting a filly Derpy. You tell us her friend is a filly, but you don‘t actually say diddly-squat about her. For a moment, I thought you were writing about the grown-up Derpy.

Otherwise, well, besides the reservations made by Horizon, it’s a nice vignette. Not outstanding, but reasonably well done.

>>horizon
I mean Derpy phrases it as "I suppose something didn't go wrong", which is both wembly and equivocal. She doesn't say "hey this is good" or "I'm happy for you", but "one thing didn't go completely bad, I suppose".

This is an interesting alternate timeline you paint here, Writer, and I'll add my voice to those who would like to see this expanded further.

The only real issue I have is that she is clearly footnoting a holy text of some sort, but it's unclear whether she's quoting from it, or directly editing it, until she closes her journal at the end of the piece. I'd suggest making it a little clearer where the source text is coming from.

Basically agreeing:

With the crowd here. I like the poetic language and the characters, but notions of practicality do indeed raise their heads. Maybe have Rumble wearily reflecting at the beginning that it feels like he's been all over Equestria today or something--give us a regular pony who comes to realize he's fallen into this crazy situation. If he's our guide, we can share his disbelief and maybe even his acceptance...

Mike

I understand what the story is trying to say, and with a decent session in the all-inclusive editing spa for confused stories I think this could come out looking pretty good. Like others, I think it's a misstep to suggest Granny Smith would leave much of a void, management-wise, in Sweet Apple Acres; she is undoubtedly its heart and history, however, and I could imagine that absence prompting AJ into doing something OTT to compensate.

There's also too much going on character-wise, considering the word limit, but both options (Apple Bloom and Big Mac, or Twilight) would present interesting options for drama, depending on what angle you wanted to take. My advice would be to pick one and focus on that.

I like a story with a strong emotional weight behind it and, with some tweaks, I'd probably dig this. Thanks for sharing.

>>The_Letter_J
I've always been quite taken with the idea of Apple Bloom wanting to pursue options away from Sweet Apple Acres, and this type of scenario arising, where she might be expected to help share the load, would present drama I could really sink my teeth into.

>>Trick_Question
Actually, I take this back.

The more I think about it, the more I would do exactly the same thing. I like the twist even if it isn't critical. You just need to be much more clear about the specifics: have Twilight reach through the bars of the cell for Celestia, and Celestia reluctantly take her hoof, something like that. But keep the twist.

Relevant from EQD.

:trollestia:

(spoilers ahead)

>>Icenrose >>Trick_Question >>The_Letter_J
After some close rereading, I'm going to double down on "they're both in jail" based on text as written. (If that's not the author's intention, I'm sure it's fixable with some trivial/minor edits.)

Twilight slumped heavily against the bars of the cell and scrubbed at her face.

“No,” she croaked. She kept her gaze on the cobbled floor of the royal gaol …

This is a fairly abstruse point about referents, but the prose quality is high enough that I think it's intentional.

If Twilight is not in a cell, then saying "the cell" is an ambiguity error here. Twilight would be able to slump against the bars of dozens of cells, and the one she chose isn't called out as "Celestia's cell", or "Cell 17", or whatever.

(Alternatively, the royal gaol only has a single cell, but that strikes me as absurd.)

If Twilight is in a cell, there's no ambiguity error: the only bars she'd be able to slump against would be her own, and they'd be hugging through the bars of adjacent cells.

From the top of Celestia’s head, a complex matrix of golden threads—some shimmering, many dull—arced outwards through the walls of the gaol. Twilight focused on the single strand that didn’t…

Furthermore, the two of them are alone in the gaol. If Twilight is not in a cell, this means that they let the nation's most powerful mage, with a visible bright friendship line toward Celestia (as we must assume from her behavior all story), into the jail to visit her with no guards around, which is a decision involving an idiot ball the size of Shining Armor's shield around the city. If they're both in cells, the lack of guards isn't quite so weird (though still ought to be lampshaded somewhere).

Also, on closer reading, I realized we're all misinterpreting Luna:

“You see now why Star Swirl never finished this particular spell? It wasn’t because he wasn’t able to, Twilight. It seems not even you are immune to its effects.” She paused then, her eyes drifting upwards.

Twilight’s throat felt tight as she followed Celestia’s gaze. There, between the networks of strands, hung one that sparkled like the stars in the night sky, though it was clear it had once been brighter.

“Luna will come around,” she offered helplessly.

Celestia’s eyes flashed momentarily, and she shook her head. “Nor I, it seems. …"

Earlier in the story, Twilight's "eyes crept upwards" — looking at the strands over Celestia's head. Celestia's glance is described in almost identical terms. Moving only your eyes and not your head, it's impossible to see something over your own head — not to mention, there's no point, since apparently the spell shows you the feelings of that person toward others, and you know your own feelings already. Celestia is looking at Twilight's attitude toward Luna (hence her last quote). Twilight's line is an excuse for why her feelings changed: they had a falling out (presumably over the spell), and Twilight blames Luna.

If Twilight and Luna had a falling out, it makes a lot more sense that she'd be in jail too.

Edit: Author, the fact that we're having this discussion probably suggests that — no matter who's right — you want to edit the story's wording to clarify who's where when and who's looking at what where. %-)

Yes, that punchline definitely needs to be anchored more in the narrative. Part of that will relate to how you foreshadow and build up to it, but the other part is in ensuring its presence makes sense and is believable. Twilight has built a very un-Twilight device, and I struggled to accept it, because there's nothing present in the narrative which allows her to behave in this way. Exaggerate some elements: Set up Twilight earlier as being sleep deprived or suffering the after-effects of winning Sugarcube Corner's 24 hour cupcake eating competition and you make the punchline more believable. Of course, you've still got some more work to do—giving Starlight a reason for being there, ensuring the story relates to the prompt—but the moment you start giving your characters motivations and rules then these other things might start to fall in place a little easier.

Thanks for sharing your story, and if you choose to revise it I look forward to seeing it again.

OTT and amusing, but I agree with the others: This story reveals its hand far too early.

Thanks for sharing!

This isn't a bad story. It held my attention, and I was disappointed when it sort of slammed to a halt before explaining any of the broader context. Its biggest sin is really that it's a scene rather than a story — illustrating an encounter without anything really changing, or any meaning being established — in a way that would benefit greatly from being a full story. The ponies do learn about humanity's capacity for cleverness, but there's no stakes to it; even another hundred words establishing (say) that there was some wager over the outcome of the game and that they lost and learned a lesson would elevate this. (n.b. I'm not a huge fan of the Humanity F*ck Yeah genre, but I'm a big fan of seeing complete stories in minific rounds that do what they set out to do.)

Most of my other critiques are covered above.

Tier: Flawed but Fun

I had some things I was going to say about this story, but >>FanOfMostEverything has made them all already. So rather than repeat, I'll just move on. Great to see Minuette and Moon Dancer featuring together, though. Thanks for sharing.

It's nice and well written but feels pretty insubstantial to me. Not much of story, more a vignette.

Scotaloo flying?

Also I wonder if you have ever seen an apple tree in your life :P Growing a hollow like the one you describe is impossible in an orchard.

A nice piece of fluff.

I was disoriented for a moment getting started, thinking that this was a story about Luna coming back from her banishment, but fortunately it made a lot more sense as both of them returning from a shared vacation. Maybe "Helllooooo again, Canterlot"?

Even if the prose is rough in places, the banter here is great. Definite high point of my reading so far.

“And Princess Luna too,” Luna muttered, as Twilight spread her wings and glided over to her mentor.

This felt off to me — perhaps because it felt more serious than the rest, or because that's something that genuinely could hurt Luna (and I was primed by my initial assumption to see it and wince). Given the implied Twilestia and forward time-skip, it might make sense retroactively that Twilight would do this, but not that she'd use "Princess" or "mentor", nor that she'd ignore Luna completely; I think you want to make Twilight's greeting far more familiar, or else do a lot more lampshading of your AU here. (I think this is funnier as a future fic rather than an AU fic.)

>>FanOfMostEverything >>Trick_Question
I think the implication is that Celestia mistook a mare for a stallion, and made heterosexual romantic advances at her. Which … well, even setting aside that it's vaguely leaning on transphobia for a punchline, would be more logical of a joke if ponies wore clothes. :V

(I should specify that the joke didn't bother me, and I think it did contribute to the friendly antagonism of the sisterly banter that made this piece strong. But at the same time, it took me a moment to parse, and it didn't make me laugh.)

“Nor was Wind Whisper,” Luna cut in.

To strengthen the joke here you probably want to insert WW's name after the "What was her name again?" line. (And if you're gonna keep it in, you ought to double down on it: instead of Wind Whisper make the "stallion"s name something ridiculously froo-froo like Frilly Lace.)

Clopernicus made me laugh. Palomino was a nice touch too.

Agreed with the others that the ending needs massaging, but this was overall quite enjoyable, and holds together well both thematically and narratively.

Tier: Strong

As of this post, here's the stories that don't have five reviews yet:

11 Winter's Crown (txt, epub) 3 3 671

3 The Friendship Express (txt, epub) 4 4 747
5 The Pony Lord (txt, epub) 4 4 747
9 Head Over Your In (txt, epub) 4 4 750
33 Mt. Maud (txt, epub) 4 4 515
41 Temporis Viator (txt, epub) 4 8 679
47 Shooting for the Moon (txt, epub) 4 4 717
58 A Year In Review (txt, epub) 4 4 597

Does anyone who's read those want to chip in, so all of our authors can get a bigger variety of feedback before prelims end?

>>horizon
Think I've given feedback on all of those, with the exception of Winter's Crown. I'll head over there now.

You've obviously got a pretty keen eye for descriptions and setting: This is a very evocative piece of work, with a great line in high fantasy running through it. It was tense, and atmospheric and—as a result—pretty darn gripping. Only... I never once felt like this was a self-contained story; it read as though it was a section of something much bigger. I could imagine some bookending with that opening line might help give the piece more of a sense of a resolution. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing.

>>horizon
She's slumping against the bars of the cell. That doesn't mean she's in the cell. She's on the outside, I'm certain.

(I didn't write this one but I'm rather certain I'm reading it properly.)

This is going to be one of those frustrating occasions (probably more so for me than the author) where the piece does pretty much everything well, and yet I come out the other end feeling... I dunno, indifferent. I've read this one a few times now, but nothing has changed for me so far. The central character study is really interesting; I would have much preferred it to have been explored in a more conventional style, but I think the word count might have hampered any attempt to do it justice. I think the stylistic device used is clever, though I'm unsure why Twilight would errata her own journal... that part never felt as clear to me as it perhaps could have been.

I also wonder whether there was some significance to the changing of tone in Twilight's voice—blasé, unfeeling almost, in the first two annotations, and reflective and regretful in the later ones. I suspect there is, but I think the format prevented me from feeling it the way I was perhaps intended to.

Interesting though, and well written. Thanks for sharing.

>>horizon

Twilight slumped heavily against the bars of the cell and scrubbed at her face.

“No,” she croaked. She kept her gaze on the cobbled floor of the royal gaol, resisting the desperate urge to look at the air above them. “I’m... I’m so sorry, Celestia. This has become a total disaster.”

Twilight has her face against the bars. She looks at the floor to avoid looking above Celestia's head. If they were both in the same cell, she'd already be facing away from Celestia by her position, and wouldn't need to intentionally avoid anything. They must be on opposite sides of the bars, facing each other.

After a pause, a soft soothing murmur reached her ears as Celestia stroked her mane. Like a reflex reaction, Twilight pressed tight against the bars towards it

she moves towards Celestia, but against the bars.

"the cell" suggests there is only one cell relevant to this scene, so they can't both be imprisoned seperately. it is very likely the vague wording was to conceal who occupied the single cell.

Huh, well this was different! One or two grammar issues, but on the whole a strongly written piece, and carrying a nice undercurrent of tension. Despite reference to changelings, this almost didn't feel like a pony fic, but you came down on the right side of the line.

Not bad. Not bad at all. Thanks for sharing!

I'm with Monokeras: It's nicely written, and the characters feel very real and true, but there isn't much of a story here. Also feels as though there is a pull between the presence of Scootaloo and the presence of Applejack, and neither are particularly well served as a result.

Still, if you enjoy your Scootalove, creepy undertones or otherwise, then I'm sure this one will have put a smile on your face. Thanks for sharing.

>>Ceffyl_Dwr
I'm left wondering about the title being a double-entendre. :trollestia:

I don't think that's intentional, but I can dream.

>>Monokeras
I agree. I'm kind of partial to Scootacripple until they finally address the topic on the show.

Each word popped like a balloon filled with rotten milk.

... That certainly paints an image. Bleh.

I mean that as a compliment, Writer. ^^ That sentence is indicative of the imagery present throughout this story - vivid and visceral. While I think the four voices (five, if you count Discord himself) are distinct from each other (as >>Southpaw points out), I agree that a little extra refinement of their voices would go a long way. For the minific format, I think four voices may have been one too many - Voice Two could just as easily have cracked a cricket bat over Voice Three's (metaphysical) skull to shut up its dolorous moping, and then you wouldn't need to include a fourth voice for the sake of that one joke.

All the same, I had a lot of fun with this story. Thank you for adding some levity to the competition!

>>Trick_Question
You can but hope :scootaloouncertain: Kinda feels like a missed opportunity using the word secret instead of special, if you ask me.

But since nobody is, I'll shut up.

>>Trick_Question
I'll confess my mind went there as well.

Er, not there, but...

I should quit while I'm behind. :-p

>>CoffeeMinion
Not here, then? (YouTube)

:scootangel:

Seconding what everyone else has said. I adore your portrayal of the dragons, really, really well done, but it ends up going nowhere in particular. The character part of it- excellent. The story part feels like it was a setup, as opposed to an actual conflict. If this ever goes up on Fimfic and expanded, I'll certainly give it a read, but the fact that it doesn't go too far forward holds it back.

>>Trick_Question
:rainbowhuh:

I am continually amazed at the time and artistry that goes into the advancement of making horses kiss.

I can't get into this one, though my goodness that is smoothly animated, etc.

I'm also astonished at how faithfully that reproduces the original.

Hmmm... I don't know. This just doesn't quite work for me. Sure, Granny Smith passing on would be a terrible blow to the Apple family... But It's not like it's unexpected, or, hopefully, unplanned for. And it's clear that Granny is more of the social heart of the family, as opposed to the one who runs the farm... That seems like a task that AJ and Big Mac have taken over quite some time ago.

Which makes it rather odd how the others are treating AJ... As if she were some sort of outsider that had been put in charge of their farm and their lives out of nowhere...

And Twilight's presence was.. strange. I'm not quite clear why she was placed in the story, when she serves little purpose...

Hmmmm.. Interesting. I like the cultural disconnect between Dragons and Ponies. For all his age and wisdom, Torch has never been able to bridge that gap. Perhaps Ember will have better luck?

My one quibble would be that you'd think Torch would have clued Ember into some of those facts earlier... But it's a minor issue. I rather like this story. It's simple but thoughtful, and shows some interesting world building behind the scenes.

Overall, I was amused.

But - 'sweet as sugar' in relation to an apple is kind of weak. I mean, of course it's sweet as sugar. Apples are full of sugars. There's almost certainly a better turn of phrase to use you, rather than stating the obvious.

I kind of feel like Celestia here could be replaced by...really, most any pony. Luna, Twilight, Applejack, Zecora - why Sunbutt, in this case? Anchor her presence more strongly, give a reason to choose her over somepony else.

I'm left with more questions than answers. I don't know if that's always a bad thing, but with this story it's not a good thing. The how's and the why's feel particularly underdeveloped, though perhaps that's partly due to time and word limits.

The punchline in the second part feels overlong, and I wonder whether it would better serve the story to have some of the tone-shifting sections cut and the words reinvested elsewhere. It's a neat premise, but given the setup I was hoping for a little more sparkling banter between Shining and Twilight, as well as some further context.

Not bad, but in my opinion needs some revision. Thanks for sharing your work.

Wow, I've definitely come to the party late on this one. Again, I've not got much to add over what's already been said more succinctly by the others. A really enjoyable story, with a smidge of fine-tuning still needed on the clarity front. Thanks for sharing.

Lovely ideas and world development going on here, but the word limit occasionally forces your hand, rushing us through some aspects of it. Spike's initial inner monologue is one such example where the outcome spoils the intention. That's no to take anything away from the quality of the writing, though: It's pretty darn good.

I'll be honest though, It personally felt like you chose the wrong viewpoint character here, or, at least, a lesser dramatic focus point. Spike feels like he has very little agency, and although his feelings are potent, they personally didn't drive me through the narrative. The more interesting aspect was the blaming of Twilight for giving Ember the idea, particularly after (I presume) what would have been a period of Twilight attempting to give Spike wings herself. Tremendous amount of prompt related emotional drama there, and it's what I'd love to be reading. The rest of the story never got out from under its shadow, for me.

That's not taking anything away from this one, though. It's intriguing and focused, and written well. It just needs a little more space to develop its ideas more naturally. Thanks for sharing.

Hmm... Nice idea, this. I'm not entirely sure that what Twilight ended up doing constitutes a pass in my book though; I think the resolution needs to be more anchored to the earlier scene for it to be as satisfying as you're intending it to be.

Also, given Twilight's in-show antics, I'm not sure she's the best choice of character to use this idea on. Replace her with Starlight, and Celestia with Twilight, and you've got a much more intriguing setup on your hooves.

Thanks for sharing your work!

Basically, what >>horizon said.

And, by proxy, what everyone else has said.

I really needed more context for this piece to work for me. It kept me reading, so that's a plus, but I was left wondering how exactly this scene connects to something bigger. Because it feels like it's connected to something bigger. I just don't know what that is.

Thanks for sharing.

Falls down somewhat at the ending, but there's a heck of a lot to enjoy up until that moment. Sparkling banter which felt incredibly natural, and some brilliant little moments (Clopernicus) kept a smile on my face throughout. A little spit and polish, and fluffing up of that ending, and this will be great. Actually, it's already great... It would be great+.

Thanks for sharing your work.


And that's every fic commented on! Phew. Now to finish ranking them all. Thank you, ponies, for providing entertaining and interesting material for me to read and comment on. You all get a hoof-bump from me.

Trollfic, but fun trollfic. I doubt there's much to offer in the way of feedback here due to the nature of [Random].

I hope you're serious about those bonus chapters, because this is currently easily in the top half of my ballot. (Hopefully obvious reminder: Don't post the bonus material until after it won't disqualify you.) Does what it sets out to do and stays fresh with the continual switch-ups. Some of the sections didn't land for me but the ones that did are enough to elevate this.

Tier: Strong

True story: "Freebird" came on iTunes when I was starting to read this.

Points for the correct use of "whence" (=from where).

I partially disagree with earlier reviews. The second section seemed weird to me — I guess in the abstract, Fluttershy driving off prey with predators works, but the way she presented it made it sound like Mayor Mare's question about killing was her intention in the first place. The punchline, on the other hand, landed.

Putting Twilight's efforts in a section of their own seemed structurally odd. You're not quite Rule of Three'ing here, and this would probably be stronger if you did — either by having three parts (introduction, escalation, resolution) or by having three solutions (Twilight's, ???, Fluttershy's).

Tier: Almost There

It's a good story, though I found it to be somewhat childish. Don’t get me wrong: not in the writing, but the plot stroke me a bit slushy. I would've preferred the stallion drowning at the end. With your current ending, it sounds like a new generation Walt Disney’s cartoon.

I still can't figure out how Sea ponies and Earth ponies do speak the same language.

High on my slate, so don't fret about your ranking. Welcome to the finals.

I liked this one, though I really expected Luna to show up, not Twilight. Both because it happens during the night, and because Luna’s addiction on coffee.

Some nice descriptions throughout.

It's a heartwarming tale, and I really doted on the idea of Twilight kissing the bartender and then just forgetting about it. Great job for making me actually like a ship story. On top of my slate. Welcome to the second week.

This story is too academic. I mean, it's not bad, and the style used is spot on, but it really reads the way you wanted to squash it in: a scientific report. That takes all the cheer out of it. Besides, it relies heavily on a single episode of the show, meaning that if you've not seen it, you're lost in the setup.

Not a bad attempt, but I think it'd be way better if you gave it an upheaval and rewrote it as one of the archaeologist’s diary, for example.

Canterbury? You mean Canterlot?

The English is clunky, especially at start: Canterlot’s spires gleamed under the full moon, a beacon that guided them home after a long first day. Logically, there is no escaping the fact that your them refers to the spires, which makes no sense.
As the brakes began to moan, Midnight Rumble leaped across the cabin and craned his head outside, the soreness around his eyes disappearing as they widened. → Coma splice. The second part …, the soreness is not logically connected to the first, so you need a full stop here. Besides, that second part barely makes sense anyway (beyond being telly for nothing, since this is a pointless detail you're reporting).

Bed shunted? You mean pushed? I know we're in a train setup, but that sounded strange to me.

Couldn't really make heads or tails of the last part. It sounds like a dream or nightmare, or maybe something that happens after Midnight’s death? I dunno. A bit too ethereal.

This story is unbalanced and unfocussed. What's funny in it is Twilight’s induced dyslexia, isn’t it? Then why devote more than a half of the story telling us how she puts a hoof on that strange book? You should start – as >>horizon once said, quoting Kurt Vonegut – as close as the end as possible, showing us Twilight walking up in the morning and fumbling her sentences, then maybe a flashback to that strange spell casting.

Well, the idea is fun though. But I think the idioms you took do not lend themselves pretty well to the gag. Chose some idioms where the inversion really botches up the sentence in a funny way. I.e. It’s raining cats and dogs ↔︎ It’s raining dogs and cats. Oops :P

>>horizon
Regrettably(?), I think it's unlikely. On Discord the distaste for this one is super-high, and there are at least three ponies who have said it occupies last place on their slate.

I'd have ranked it higher if it weren't for the last section. It was just a little bit too much and the premise went stale by then.

It's actually well-written and funny in places, I just didn't enjoy it. This is one of those situations where a little finesse in one place or another could have made all the difference (although I've no idea where that finesse would need to be).

Some awkwardness here and there (especially in redundant information):

Bon Bon disappeared from sight instantly. What? She doesn't float in the air? :P

Without hesitation, she leaped off the ski, took a deep breath, and dove into the warm, tropical waters,… Order is mangled. First she should've taken a deep breath, then leaped off. As you wrote it, it seems to me she leaps off, miraculously hovers over the water, takes a breath, then dive. …aiming for Bon Bon's location. This is unneeded. First, if she plunges into the water, it's not to fish :P, and then Bon Bon’s “location” sounds strange, as she sinks.

Lyra thinks about her vacation while she swims underwater to rescue Bon Bon?

sending a cloud of silt upwards: if she hits the bottom, the cloud can barely go downwards…

hugged tight…tight hug: you can vary the vocabulary a tad. Why not use “clasp” for example.

Well, the end is obscure, I'm afraid. Where does the transition from life to death occur exactly? I mean, everyone else stumbled on the same question, so I won’t rub it in once more.

This is sort of weird. For starters, this feels totally unrelated to the prompt. I get that there are lots of ways one can interpret various prompts, but the whole 'time machine to present' deal doesn't really feel like that. It doesn't help either that it doesn't really fit Starlight or Twilight's characters (admittedly, Starlight's character is sort of lacking in the show, so it's hard to tell), but this doesn't really feel like something Twilight would try to build, nor does her method of going about it really feel like that. In many regards, it more feels like something Pinkie would be involved in, as opposed to Twilight. My other major issue is that Starlight doesn't really feel like she belongs in this. I guess you might have just picked her because she seems to live at the tree, but aside from that it feels like she could just as easily be replaced with any other pony.

First, let me say that this story is delightful. It treats the concept of pastry-based weaponry in Equestria with precisely the amount of seriousness it deserves, and I love it for it.

Not only has this story brought a smile to my face, it also made an otherwise slow morning at work quite a bit more interesting. See, I work in the firearms industry (well, firearms-adjacent), and the phrase "contained a hard nougat penetrator" gave me enough pause to wonder what would actually happen if you built and fired a cartridge like this. Would it have the effect described in the story, or would it actually do more damage?

So I sent the relevant paragraph to a coworker (who is both down with the pony and a member of a professional competitive shooting team) via IM. What followed is probably the most entertaining conversation I've yet had at work.

Bavarian Cream
...meringue pastry round...?
lololol

Icenrose
yiss
Was wondering if you had any commentary on the actual efficacy of such a round (assuming it could actually be fired).

Bavarian Cream
not enough mass in the meringue
nougat is a good call though
but a penetrator would have to be carved from a solid nut, like a macadamia
and bonded to a nougat core, and jacketed with fudge for both ballistic coefficient and barrel lubrication

Icenrose
Nice, I like the way you think!
So, what type of force are we talking here? Would it hit hard enough to crack a rib or two, or would it be mostly harmless by the time it crossed the street?

Bavarian Cream
IRL? the velocity required to crack a rib would probably obliterate the round before it left the barrel

Icenrose
Let's assume it managed to leave the barrel without exploding.

Bavarian Cream
right, because magic

Icenrose
Right. ^^

Bavarian Cream
a high density nougat bullet might make it out, but it'd bleed velocity so fast that it'd be harmless i think...
hang on, let me do some math

*15 minutes pass*

Bavarian Cream
Nougat, being an aerated sweetstuff, wouldn't have the density to pierce anything armored with a material more dense than marshmallow

Icenrose
So, just a splatter effect, then.

Bavarian Cream
splatter as in, all over the target, rather than the target being what splatters, yes

So, in theory, your cartridge functions as you intended (unless you were shooting at Rarity)! Well done, Writer, and thanks again for making my morning that much more entertaining!

I agree entirely

With >>The_Letter_J on this in the sense that, if Sweetie and Apple Bloom were there, why wasn't Scootaloo? If you really wanted to mix things up, though, author, you could have us the third scene open at the end of RD expounding a beautiful, moving, and poetic meditation on love, devotion, and loyalty to Scootaloo. But, y'know, hoofbumps're good, too...

Oh, and to be completely persnickety, Sweetie Belle's "if I walked in" should probably be "if we walked in" since Apple Bloom at least was there as well.

Mike

hehe (spoiler)

I liked this one, but the feeling I get is that it's "one sentence too short" (don't take this too literally)

we get a creepy twist, and it's pretty clear what happened, but it needs just a little bit more.... context, to understand how we should react to this. at least we want to see how Lyra deals with it, because it doesn't feel fully satisfying ending it there.

agh, this is a tough one, because I'm not sure what to compare it to.

it could be a campfire ghost story with a stinger ending, but the buildup isn't all that suspenseful. or maybe it was meant to be a literary tale of pony death & pony afterlife, but it ends too early and doesn't feel poetic enough.

This definitely speaks to me on a personal level. I could write an additional chapter about the WriteOff.

I related so much to this story that it landed well at the top of my slate. I couldn't do less after the honour you did writing a fic just for me. If you need me to write a final chapter, or a preface, I'll be happy to oblige.

I never:

Knew Carmen Sandiego was a video game--I just recall it as a PBS children's game show that was on before something I actually watched, so I would usually tune just a bit early so I could hear the closing theme music.

But be that as it may, it doesn't make sense to me as a story. I mean, why would Celestia steal the real sun? It'd make more sense that she lost it in a poker game or something and has been using these false ones ever since. And for that matter, how did Carmen end up with the real sun? Has Celestia been carrying it around in her back pokcet while sending these false suns out every morning?

Still, with a little more work, this could be silly enough. I'll also second >>Trick_Question's suggestion of "Carmen Saddlego."

Mike

Okay, the first paragraph is hitting me over the head here, and not in a good way.

bucks from Equestria

... uhh ... Equestrian deer? Is this alt-future? Is he cursing and bowdlerizing? I am lost. D:

If Clockwork Callous died tomorrow, he would be remembered for living up to his name. ... If those plain, unoriginal monstrosities were what passed as quality these days, Callous was happy he’d missed a millennia.

Over the course of the paragraph we go from an external narrator telling us about CC in clear third-person style, to an internal narrator giving us the thoughts in his head.

A thousand years had clearly destroyed the imaginations of his brethren.

Alicorn? Lunar banishment? Is he actually an automaton himself? I have questions. I hope the story will answer them.

... okay, I guess there's something going on here with the Crystal Empire, and he's just a normal pony who vanished along with the city? That could have been better lampshaded —

his first public work in a million years

— augh what the hell

I am bouncing off this story hard. Please, in editing, go back and take some deep breaths, figure out what those first few paragraphs are trying to tell us about the situation, and be a little less clever about the exposition of it. The fact that so many things are bewildering in the first few paragraphs is causing me to preen the text for clues and notice a lot of little errors that are having an outsized effect on my enjoyment.

Once I managed to pretend that rough start didn't exist (about five paragraphs in), this was decent enough, if a little too melodramatic for my tastes in the clock-watchy parts and the angst. But the ending structurally and thematically came out of nowhere. Everything in the earlier text focuses on the mechanism itself, except for a single throwaway reference about him browbeating his assistants. The Princess' words are a screaming left turn from the themes you've been building. And you can totally make a story out of that! But if you do, you need to acknowledge that it's a departure, that this is the moment in which he learns some lesson and things change — in other words, if your point is that he was focusing on unimportant things, you're ending the story at the moment of climax, and it sorely needs a denouement to show how that realization changes him, closing out his character arc.

I can see that there's a lot of potential here, with editing. But right now there's too much in the way for me to appreciate it.

Tier: Needs Work

Irony: when you're certain the fic you wrote that you enjoy more is the one that won't make the cut.

Priceless: having received feedback that will rectify said fic and turn it into a great story.

Agreed with above; for all that the core conceit of the piece is reality shattering, we see precious little of it. I'd expect "reality" — i.e. everything — shattering to be more of an apocalyptic event, but she calmly goes back to her book to try things again, and the focus is in so tight on her that we never learn about more than Lyra, the book and desk it's on, the bookshelf she's flung into, and the grandfather clock. All of these things are in the same place (shard, if you will) and accessible. What shattered from what?

With a quill wrapped up in her telekinetic grip, Lyra went to work. She dove through each page and each line with the gusto of an overzealous priest, taking in every facet she could.

Is she writing in the book, or reading it (taking it in)?

I don't feel like this is even giving me enough information to let me speculate the same way >>FanOfMostEverything and >>The_Letter_J did. This needs more context, which probably means more words, although be careful to use those adding broader context rather than more of the same tight zoom.

Tier: Needs Work

I'd almost want:

To see this end with it being a bedtime story Warleader Celestia is telling her young protege, Twilight Sparkle, after their evening martial arts training--just pull back and show us a glimpse of the Equestria that resulted from this being the incident that brought the three tribes together. As it is, though, it's a very nice scene.

Mike

>>Trick_Question
My eggs are in a single basket. Have no idea whether said basket will keep them intact... But the advice on how to make it stronger and more secure has been welcome.

Be interesting to see how this finals lark works, though. I'm quite excited.

looking into her eyes was like biting a lightning bolt

Nice image.

I'm a little thrown by the setup here: Celestia discovers Starlight having a friendship problem, and instead of letting the literal Princess of Friendship deal with it, she takes matters into her own hooves. Way to trust your faithful student (and fellow monarch), Celly.

But that aside, this has some nice prose and a good moral, even if it seemed blunt about the latter. I like the idea of Starlight dealing with essentially time-travel PTSD. It might be worth considering digging deeper into the "doing nothing is a choice" angle; it feels a little twee that Celestia's able to turn this around with just a pep talk, and the idea that her isolation isn't actually fixing the problem it's designed to fix would really put some teeth behind that. Maybe have Celestia share some anecdotes of her own? She's certainly got enough regrets in her past that it's very likely she's been through the exact same thing, perhaps in the wake of Luna's banishment, and a bonding moment would really elevate this story. (That could also provide the anchoring >>Morning Sun suggests.)

I'm left feeling like this almost works; I just want to see the solution go deeper.

Tier: (high) Almost There

>>Icenrose
I'd just like to note that moments like this are why I love this fandom.

With fewer than twenty-four hours to go, it seems prudent to point out the least reviewed stories. As of posting this comment, the following stories each have only four comments:

33. Mt. Maud

47. Shooting for the Moon

58. A Year in Review

There are another fifteen stories with five comments each.

I really, really liked this one. I assume that the reason for naming him Kevin was due to the fan name for the changeling and Cranky and Matilda's wedding, aye? Anyway... my general thoughts on this are that it's really well done. Made fantastic use of the prompt, both with concept and execution. I enjoy the idea of Luna having a protege, but I feel like adding that last sentence in is unnecessary. We can already gather that much from what's already presented, so the final sentence feels redundant with what's already been said. Regardless, this is finishing really high up on my ballot. Good job.