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Skirmish
Sun Skimmer stared at the retreating backs of the humans after their hoofshake. Off to his side, a pale cerise unicorn mare said:
“They don’t look very threatening to me.”
Sun Skimmer turned, meeting her gaze. “Yeah, big and lumbering. Noisy. Not scary at all, Sparky.”
Bright Spark chuckled. “That’s right. They’ll be so visible, we’ll nail them when we see them!”
“That’s not what I meant,” Sun Skimmer said, frowning.
His second-in-command patted him on the shoulder.
“Oh, we’ll be fine, Skimmer.”
Sun Skimmer led the loose formation of ponies, his head barely poking through the tops of the trees. His wingpony, Stratus Cloud, darted in lazy swerves amongst the leaves below him. The rest of his team trudged through the underbrush of the forest, earth ponies in advance guard, unicorns in the back. They moved with exaggerated care, mindful of dried leaves and twigs. They didn’t want to alert the enemy, of course.
Their objective was simple: capture the flag. The humans were holed up in a half-crumbled castle, the flag stuck onto the grass of the central courtyard. Their plan was also simple: keep the castle to their left and sneak all the way to the back. The thicket on the far side of the castle was too dense for a human but perfect for the smaller ponies. This gave them cover all the way to the convenient backdoor of the castle, which in the usual case, an escape route for the defenders. But now, it was their way in.
Sun Skimmer and Stratus would provide covering fire with their crossbows while the earth pony twins, Cauliflower and Broccoli, charged in, spears raised. They would be supported by the shields of Bright Spark and Lily Vane. All-in-all, it was a decent plan, Skimmer thought. Now if only he knew what the humans were up to. There had been no sign of them at all.
Bright Spark kept her head on a swivel, her eyes scanning the trees in her sector. For the umpteenth, she let out a soft sigh. For the past twenty minutes, there had been not a lick of sight, sound and smell of the humans. Maybe they were all cooped up in the castle, just waiting for them to come in. If Bright Spark had one of those super repeating crossbows the humans kept bragging about, she would do that.
A yawn threatened to split her face open but she bit down on it, squeezing a couple of tears out of her eyes. Their plan was going along smoothly, judging by the lack of humans. Silly humans, leaving their backs uncovered! Victory was virtually guaranteed if this kept up.
“We are coming up on Checkpoint Bauble. Turn left,” Skimmer’s voice floated down.
Cauliflower and Broccoli swiveled on their hooves, facing towards the thicket. Just as Bright Spark prepared to do the same, there was a staccato of splatters and a scream from Lily Vane. Bright Spark’s heart leapt into her throat. Honed by countless engagements, her horn lit at once and shields sprang into existence around Cauliflower and herself.
Sparing a glance at Lily, whose red, green and orange splattered body lay two feet from her, she swallowed a mouthful of spit into her suddenly dry throat. Another staccato of splatters rang out and Broccoli toppled, his cloth tipped spear clattering onto the ground.
No…
“Target, front left, fifty yards!” Stratus’ voice boomed.
Bright Spark heard the twip of the crossbow bolt and the quiet puff of the powder charge of its impact. She stood rooted to the ground, uncomprehending what had just happened. The human had been right in the middle of her sector and she never saw him.
But how…
“Sparky, move!”
Her legs pumped, pushing her in the direction of the thicket. The humans wouldn’t find her there. Her heart now threatened to burst out of her chest. Her world a cacophony of erratic wingbeats and thudding of her heart.
A pressure built behind her horn, consequence of holding her spell for so long but she dared not lower the shield. Lest another burst of splatters ended up on Cauliflower or her.
“Target, front, thirty yar—” A burst of splatters cut him off.
“Oh, ponyfeathers! Stratus!” Skimmer’s voice rang out.
Then another splatter.
“Sunny, no!”
Bright Spark scarcely registered it as her voice. And then her vision filled with an explosion of yellow.
And all she heard was the umpire’s whistle, declaring the round over.
“They don’t look very threatening to me.”
Sun Skimmer turned, meeting her gaze. “Yeah, big and lumbering. Noisy. Not scary at all, Sparky.”
Bright Spark chuckled. “That’s right. They’ll be so visible, we’ll nail them when we see them!”
“That’s not what I meant,” Sun Skimmer said, frowning.
His second-in-command patted him on the shoulder.
“Oh, we’ll be fine, Skimmer.”
Sun Skimmer led the loose formation of ponies, his head barely poking through the tops of the trees. His wingpony, Stratus Cloud, darted in lazy swerves amongst the leaves below him. The rest of his team trudged through the underbrush of the forest, earth ponies in advance guard, unicorns in the back. They moved with exaggerated care, mindful of dried leaves and twigs. They didn’t want to alert the enemy, of course.
Their objective was simple: capture the flag. The humans were holed up in a half-crumbled castle, the flag stuck onto the grass of the central courtyard. Their plan was also simple: keep the castle to their left and sneak all the way to the back. The thicket on the far side of the castle was too dense for a human but perfect for the smaller ponies. This gave them cover all the way to the convenient backdoor of the castle, which in the usual case, an escape route for the defenders. But now, it was their way in.
Sun Skimmer and Stratus would provide covering fire with their crossbows while the earth pony twins, Cauliflower and Broccoli, charged in, spears raised. They would be supported by the shields of Bright Spark and Lily Vane. All-in-all, it was a decent plan, Skimmer thought. Now if only he knew what the humans were up to. There had been no sign of them at all.
Bright Spark kept her head on a swivel, her eyes scanning the trees in her sector. For the umpteenth, she let out a soft sigh. For the past twenty minutes, there had been not a lick of sight, sound and smell of the humans. Maybe they were all cooped up in the castle, just waiting for them to come in. If Bright Spark had one of those super repeating crossbows the humans kept bragging about, she would do that.
A yawn threatened to split her face open but she bit down on it, squeezing a couple of tears out of her eyes. Their plan was going along smoothly, judging by the lack of humans. Silly humans, leaving their backs uncovered! Victory was virtually guaranteed if this kept up.
“We are coming up on Checkpoint Bauble. Turn left,” Skimmer’s voice floated down.
Cauliflower and Broccoli swiveled on their hooves, facing towards the thicket. Just as Bright Spark prepared to do the same, there was a staccato of splatters and a scream from Lily Vane. Bright Spark’s heart leapt into her throat. Honed by countless engagements, her horn lit at once and shields sprang into existence around Cauliflower and herself.
Sparing a glance at Lily, whose red, green and orange splattered body lay two feet from her, she swallowed a mouthful of spit into her suddenly dry throat. Another staccato of splatters rang out and Broccoli toppled, his cloth tipped spear clattering onto the ground.
No…
“Target, front left, fifty yards!” Stratus’ voice boomed.
Bright Spark heard the twip of the crossbow bolt and the quiet puff of the powder charge of its impact. She stood rooted to the ground, uncomprehending what had just happened. The human had been right in the middle of her sector and she never saw him.
But how…
“Sparky, move!”
Her legs pumped, pushing her in the direction of the thicket. The humans wouldn’t find her there. Her heart now threatened to burst out of her chest. Her world a cacophony of erratic wingbeats and thudding of her heart.
A pressure built behind her horn, consequence of holding her spell for so long but she dared not lower the shield. Lest another burst of splatters ended up on Cauliflower or her.
“Target, front, thirty yar—” A burst of splatters cut him off.
“Oh, ponyfeathers! Stratus!” Skimmer’s voice rang out.
Then another splatter.
“Sunny, no!”
Bright Spark scarcely registered it as her voice. And then her vision filled with an explosion of yellow.
And all she heard was the umpire’s whistle, declaring the round over.
That colon and line break immediately before the first bit of dialogue bother me more than they probably should.
Crossbows seem a little extreme for Capture the Flag.
So, the humans never gave the ponies paintball guns? That doesn’t seem remotely fair. I suppose it’s an attempt to even the odds by compensating for magic, but the rate-of-fire advantage seems insurmountable. Also, it’s not really clear how the humans did what they did, especially given how much the story emphasized how the thicket was impassable for them. The narrator could be unreliable, but it's the only one we have.
In all, this does a good job of conveying the confusion and desperation of the climax, but it’s the narrative equivalent of excessive shaky-cam; you captured the mood, but I can barely make out what happened. More space will help, allowing you to both build the tension further and give a more satisfactory resolution.
Crossbows seem a little extreme for Capture the Flag.
So, the humans never gave the ponies paintball guns? That doesn’t seem remotely fair. I suppose it’s an attempt to even the odds by compensating for magic, but the rate-of-fire advantage seems insurmountable. Also, it’s not really clear how the humans did what they did, especially given how much the story emphasized how the thicket was impassable for them. The narrator could be unreliable, but it's the only one we have.
In all, this does a good job of conveying the confusion and desperation of the climax, but it’s the narrative equivalent of excessive shaky-cam; you captured the mood, but I can barely make out what happened. More space will help, allowing you to both build the tension further and give a more satisfactory resolution.
Ron Burgundy: "Boy, that escalated quickly!"
actually I liked the "excessive shaky-cam" effect here, because it's used intentionally. as a parody
the introduction needs a clear setting, because I couldn't form a clear picture at all. at first I assumed this was some Star Trek style meeting. then in the next scene I thought it was a Fallout world setting. this was annoying and it almost lost me.
I missed the mention of "capture the flag" the first time, but now it seems like a dead giveaway for the ending.
actually I liked the "excessive shaky-cam" effect here, because it's used intentionally. as a parody
the introduction needs a clear setting, because I couldn't form a clear picture at all. at first I assumed this was some Star Trek style meeting. then in the next scene I thought it was a Fallout world setting. this was annoying and it almost lost me.
I missed the mention of "capture the flag" the first time, but now it seems like a dead giveaway for the ending.
I'm left entirely flummoxed on how the ponies agreed to this sport. The two teams have access to completely different abilities, so there isn't a way to know what a fair fight would be a priori—and it's very clear that the ponies know virtually nothing about how humans play. What are the stakes, and why are they playing? Without something to latch onto, I don't know what to expect from the action.
What FOME said about crossbows being too extreme. Paintball is fine, but I think this sounds a little too deadly as it is currently set up. Also, they'd need protective equipment for their eyes, certainly.
What FOME said about crossbows being too extreme. Paintball is fine, but I think this sounds a little too deadly as it is currently set up. Also, they'd need protective equipment for their eyes, certainly.
Well, at least the humans and ponies aren't actually going to war for no reason this time.
I don't know if I'd say this story was bad, but it certainly wasn't something I enjoyed. At the very least, I would have liked to know what the humans did to win. I get that you didn't tell us because the narrator doesn't know, but that doesn't make the story very satisfying.
And I don't know if it was inspiration or coincidence, but the ponies' weapons reminded me of this.
I don't know if I'd say this story was bad, but it certainly wasn't something I enjoyed. At the very least, I would have liked to know what the humans did to win. I get that you didn't tell us because the narrator doesn't know, but that doesn't make the story very satisfying.
And I don't know if it was inspiration or coincidence, but the ponies' weapons reminded me of this.
This isn't a bad story. It held my attention, and I was disappointed when it sort of slammed to a halt before explaining any of the broader context. Its biggest sin is really that it's a scene rather than a story — illustrating an encounter without anything really changing, or any meaning being established — in a way that would benefit greatly from being a full story. The ponies do learn about humanity's capacity for cleverness, but there's no stakes to it; even another hundred words establishing (say) that there was some wager over the outcome of the game and that they lost and learned a lesson would elevate this. (n.b. I'm not a huge fan of the Humanity F*ck Yeah genre, but I'm a big fan of seeing complete stories in minific rounds that do what they set out to do.)
Most of my other critiques are covered above.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
Most of my other critiques are covered above.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
Basically, what >>horizon said.
And, by proxy, what everyone else has said.
I really needed more context for this piece to work for me. It kept me reading, so that's a plus, but I was left wondering how exactly this scene connects to something bigger. Because it feels like it's connected to something bigger. I just don't know what that is.
Thanks for sharing.
And, by proxy, what everyone else has said.
I really needed more context for this piece to work for me. It kept me reading, so that's a plus, but I was left wondering how exactly this scene connects to something bigger. Because it feels like it's connected to something bigger. I just don't know what that is.
Thanks for sharing.
First, I thought this might be some sort of first contact thing. If not between species, then between this group of ponies and humans.
Then I thought it might be a war... But the ponies seemed awfully calm and unconcerned about it.
Then it became clear it was capture the flag... A game of a training exercise. Much preferable to a pointless war between humans and ponies.
Then the ponies lost, though the details of the fight were rather unclear.
And then it was over.
It's an interesting idea and scene... But there's just not much there there. So many words are used to set up the scene that we don't get to see much of the action... And at the same time, we're given no explanation as to why all this is happening, or how we got to this point, which would have been interesting. I think you would have been better off starting the story withBright Spark sneaking about, smugly confident that they'll beat these silly humans... And thinking about how they ended up at this point, playing this game... And ending with her getting a new coat of paint because she was too busy woolgathering and not paying enough attention to those sneaky humans... Same scene, but framed a bit more tightly on one character, and with a bit more insight into the circumstances of the situation.
Then I thought it might be a war... But the ponies seemed awfully calm and unconcerned about it.
Then it became clear it was capture the flag... A game of a training exercise. Much preferable to a pointless war between humans and ponies.
Then the ponies lost, though the details of the fight were rather unclear.
And then it was over.
It's an interesting idea and scene... But there's just not much there there. So many words are used to set up the scene that we don't get to see much of the action... And at the same time, we're given no explanation as to why all this is happening, or how we got to this point, which would have been interesting. I think you would have been better off starting the story withBright Spark sneaking about, smugly confident that they'll beat these silly humans... And thinking about how they ended up at this point, playing this game... And ending with her getting a new coat of paint because she was too busy woolgathering and not paying enough attention to those sneaky humans... Same scene, but framed a bit more tightly on one character, and with a bit more insight into the circumstances of the situation.
Sorry, I read this right before the deadline, so hadn't yet posted a review.
I'm not really quite sure what you were going for in this scene - it didn't really seem to have much of a greater purpose. There's some sort of capture the flag thing going on between humans and ponies, but absent a larger context, this didn't really seem to really go anywhere.
I'm not really quite sure what you were going for in this scene - it didn't really seem to have much of a greater purpose. There's some sort of capture the flag thing going on between humans and ponies, but absent a larger context, this didn't really seem to really go anywhere.
Gonna be honest, I really didn't care for this one. I get that it's trying to capture the mood of this "Capture the Flag" event more than the actual plot, but the sheer oddity of the story (crossbows being used like laser tag, the existence of humans in the world, the complete seriousness of this event) makes it a little hard to concentrate on the mood. It'd be like if there was a movie all about Liberace-dwarves roaming the streets of Manhattan while looking for a treasure of buried Golden Crisps, and the audience is supposed to act like this isn't odd at all. There comes a point where something has to be explained, minimally at the very least, and this story's lack of that just confused me.
On top of that, the mood itself feels kind of indecisive. It's treated as extremely serious, yet it's just a Capture the Flag game. We're not really told why this is (is there some kind of political stake? are these war games?), so it's hard to figure out if the description of the event is meant to be taken seriously, or if the description itself is supposed to invoke hilarity through its over-seriousness. Either way, I'm just left scratching my head.
On top of that, the mood itself feels kind of indecisive. It's treated as extremely serious, yet it's just a Capture the Flag game. We're not really told why this is (is there some kind of political stake? are these war games?), so it's hard to figure out if the description of the event is meant to be taken seriously, or if the description itself is supposed to invoke hilarity through its over-seriousness. Either way, I'm just left scratching my head.
Skirmish
After a little slow start, I didn't expect so many reviews, thanks everyone! :3
I apologize for the confusing lack of context. To ensure the "scene" to be as standalone as possible and fit in the word limit, I ended having to cut quite a bit of setup and description before I even began. Irony.
(Should have been a warning sign that I should have submitted this for short story instead. =P)
So the context is this (expanded some since what I've submitted):
Bright Spark is part of a team in a youth sports called PaintWars, which basically Paintball with medieval weapons (and controlled unicorn magic). Several other races also participate in the sport, mainly the griffons and deer. It was a few years after First Contact with the humans in another parallel world (it's a very long story) and humans have been migrating to Equestria, bringing their own form of the sport, which is of course, Paintball. Since ranged weapons weren't unknown or banned (crossbows and magic were allowed after all), the humans were allowed to play (not necessary in actual competitions, since everyone is still unsure about the humans). And they were decimating their competition with superior small arms tactics and rate of fire.
So the actual premise is that Bright Spark had been hearing rumors about these humans owning her rivals but didn't quite believe it. One fine day, after a war session with a griffon team (which they beat handily), a group of humans approached them for a friendly match, which her team leader Sun Skimmer accepted (and Bright Spark can't help but add a few disparaging remarks, after which it escalated into a bet that if the ponies can't get even one of the humans, they'll have to buy the humans a dinner). Note: expansion in brackets.
And the entry is of course what follows.
>>Haze
>>FanOfMostEverything
That was probably because it needed an editing pass, only the first half barely got any editing done on it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>The_Letter_J
Like I said above, the second half needed editing to make it clearer (and to figure out exactly how the humans located and tracked the ponies).
What actually happened was they had a lone gunner in the ponies' path to the thicket and two more further back (all in concealed positions). The lone gunner initiated harassing fire (which took down Broccoli and Lily Vane) and spooked them into an ambush by the other two (which took down Sun Skimmer and Stratus Cloud). Bright Spark and Cauliflower were finished off by a paintball grenade.
>>libertydude
It probably has to do with my writing style and me haven't nailing down the narrative voice yet for this entry. First drafts tend to do that to me. D:
>>The_Letter_J
This is totally what I envisioned for the pony weapons. :pinkiehappy:
Once again, really thanks for all the reviews! :3
After a little slow start, I didn't expect so many reviews, thanks everyone! :3
I apologize for the confusing lack of context. To ensure the "scene" to be as standalone as possible and fit in the word limit, I ended having to cut quite a bit of setup and description before I even began. Irony.
(Should have been a warning sign that I should have submitted this for short story instead. =P)
So the context is this (expanded some since what I've submitted):
Bright Spark is part of a team in a youth sports called PaintWars, which basically Paintball with medieval weapons (and controlled unicorn magic). Several other races also participate in the sport, mainly the griffons and deer. It was a few years after First Contact with the humans in another parallel world (it's a very long story) and humans have been migrating to Equestria, bringing their own form of the sport, which is of course, Paintball. Since ranged weapons weren't unknown or banned (crossbows and magic were allowed after all), the humans were allowed to play (not necessary in actual competitions, since everyone is still unsure about the humans). And they were decimating their competition with superior small arms tactics and rate of fire.
So the actual premise is that Bright Spark had been hearing rumors about these humans owning her rivals but didn't quite believe it. One fine day, after a war session with a griffon team (which they beat handily), a group of humans approached them for a friendly match, which her team leader Sun Skimmer accepted (and Bright Spark can't help but add a few disparaging remarks, after which it escalated into a bet that if the ponies can't get even one of the humans, they'll have to buy the humans a dinner). Note: expansion in brackets.
And the entry is of course what follows.
>>Haze
actually I liked the "excessive shaky-cam" effect here, because it's used intentionally.
>>FanOfMostEverything
In all, this does a good job of conveying the confusion and desperation of the climax, but it’s the narrative equivalent of excessive shaky-cam; you captured the mood, but I can barely make out what happened.
That was probably because it needed an editing pass, only the first half barely got any editing done on it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Also, it’s not really clear how the humans did what they did
>>The_Letter_J
At the very least, I would have liked to know what the humans did to win.
Like I said above, the second half needed editing to make it clearer (and to figure out exactly how the humans located and tracked the ponies).
What actually happened was they had a lone gunner in the ponies' path to the thicket and two more further back (all in concealed positions). The lone gunner initiated harassing fire (which took down Broccoli and Lily Vane) and spooked them into an ambush by the other two (which took down Sun Skimmer and Stratus Cloud). Bright Spark and Cauliflower were finished off by a paintball grenade.
>>libertydude
On top of that, the mood itself feels kind of indecisive. It's treated as extremely serious, yet it's just a Capture the Flag game. We're not really told why this is (is there some kind of political stake? are these war games?), so it's hard to figure out if the description of the event is meant to be taken seriously, or if the description itself is supposed to invoke hilarity through its over-seriousness. Either way, I'm just left scratching my head.
It probably has to do with my writing style and me haven't nailing down the narrative voice yet for this entry. First drafts tend to do that to me. D:
>>The_Letter_J
And I don't know if it was inspiration or coincidence, but the ponies' weapons reminded me of this.
This is totally what I envisioned for the pony weapons. :pinkiehappy:
Once again, really thanks for all the reviews! :3
>>M1Garand8
Wow. I'm not sure if even eight thousand words would've been enough to do this idea justice if you wanted to capture all of the background details. Definitely looking forward to an expanded version given this information.
Wow. I'm not sure if even eight thousand words would've been enough to do this idea justice if you wanted to capture all of the background details. Definitely looking forward to an expanded version given this information.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Forget 8k words, my revised outline has already at least 2 chapters! :pinkiecrazy:
Forget 8k words, my revised outline has already at least 2 chapters! :pinkiecrazy: