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Shooting for the Moon
Princess Luna arrived at the cubicle and exhaled a nervous sigh of relief. He was still here.
Kevin had his back turned when Luna entered his mini-office, but he knew that anxious sigh all too well. It sent Ponilovian shivers rattling through his exoskeleton. He froze in place for a second or two, staring at the floor, then went right back to packing his things. Luna waited a few moments before speaking.
"I am glad that I arrived in time. I thought certain I would miss you," she said.
The changeling turned around, holding a cardboard box containing most of his work-related possessions: a few books, pens, papers, scrolls, and a couple of posters.
"Well, there's not much to clean out," said Kevin. He rested the box on the ground and sat down in a chair. "But you've always had uncanny timing. What can I do for you?"
Luna's brow furrowed slightly. "This is not about me, Kevin. It is about you," she said. "At the very least, I wanted a chance to say goodbye."
"Okay. Goodbye," he said.
Luna lowered her gaze. "That is not what I meant."
Kevin placed a chitinous hoof over his face. "Okay. Well, I... I don't really know what else is left to say. I failed, and I'm sorry."
"What you have endured is far from trivial," said Luna, pulling up a second chair to sit down at her student's level. "You have shown incredible bravery and sacrifice. You should be proud of how far you have come."
"Save your pity for the next drone in line, if there ever is one," said Kevin, raising his head to finally meet Luna's gaze. "As the first changeling admitted to graduate studies at Celestia's School, my missteps have set a damning precedent."
Luna snorted. "That is preposterous. You have made the path easier, not harder. Ponies will remember you and your work. They will know that changelings are capable of great things because of your sacrifice."
"They'll know we're capable of failure," said Kevin, turning to look at the wall.
Luna shook her head. "Everypony is capable of failure, Kevin. Failure at this level of study is normal. Very few ponies are capable of completing a doctorate in the magical arts."
Kevin shrugged. "I suppose."
"It took great courage to realize that leaving was the correct option. Most students aren't able to make that decision, and must be forced out," said Luna.
"We both know they weren't about to force me out, so I had a moral imperative to act. After all this time the School was still making exceptions for me," he said. "It was never about me, anyway. It was about what I represented. That idea was too important to everypony."
"Well, it is a noble idea. Nevertheless, you are correct. The faculty looked at you as an icon of progress rather than a student. In this way, the School is the one who has failed you," said Luna. She scooted her chair forward to close the distance with her former student.
Kevin chuckled darkly. "You know what the worst part about it is? I'm pretty sure I never had a chance," he said. "I was accepted into the program on substandard test scores and a weak track record with research. Everypony on the committee knew my deficiencies. I've been waiting seven years for this horseshoe to finally drop."
Luna reached out and placed a gentle hoof on Kevin's shoulder. "Kevin, your efforts have earned my respect. The offer to teach remains open."
"Maybe someday. I'm too ashamed to consider it right now."
Princess Luna lifted Kevin's chin to look into his beautiful alien eyes. "I think you have more pride than you admit. You could have come here disguised as anypony, but here you sit before me, your true nature revealed."
"I needed to be honest with myself when I did this," said Kevin. "Even after everything that's happened, it feels wrong to hide who I am."
Luna smiled warmly. "I am very proud of you, Kevin."
"I know you are, Luna," he said, and he shut his eyes tight. "Ponies joke about starving graduate students, but in all this time? I've never once been hungry."
The alicorn pulled her protege into a firm embrace as he began to cry.
Kevin had his back turned when Luna entered his mini-office, but he knew that anxious sigh all too well. It sent Ponilovian shivers rattling through his exoskeleton. He froze in place for a second or two, staring at the floor, then went right back to packing his things. Luna waited a few moments before speaking.
"I am glad that I arrived in time. I thought certain I would miss you," she said.
The changeling turned around, holding a cardboard box containing most of his work-related possessions: a few books, pens, papers, scrolls, and a couple of posters.
"Well, there's not much to clean out," said Kevin. He rested the box on the ground and sat down in a chair. "But you've always had uncanny timing. What can I do for you?"
Luna's brow furrowed slightly. "This is not about me, Kevin. It is about you," she said. "At the very least, I wanted a chance to say goodbye."
"Okay. Goodbye," he said.
Luna lowered her gaze. "That is not what I meant."
Kevin placed a chitinous hoof over his face. "Okay. Well, I... I don't really know what else is left to say. I failed, and I'm sorry."
"What you have endured is far from trivial," said Luna, pulling up a second chair to sit down at her student's level. "You have shown incredible bravery and sacrifice. You should be proud of how far you have come."
"Save your pity for the next drone in line, if there ever is one," said Kevin, raising his head to finally meet Luna's gaze. "As the first changeling admitted to graduate studies at Celestia's School, my missteps have set a damning precedent."
Luna snorted. "That is preposterous. You have made the path easier, not harder. Ponies will remember you and your work. They will know that changelings are capable of great things because of your sacrifice."
"They'll know we're capable of failure," said Kevin, turning to look at the wall.
Luna shook her head. "Everypony is capable of failure, Kevin. Failure at this level of study is normal. Very few ponies are capable of completing a doctorate in the magical arts."
Kevin shrugged. "I suppose."
"It took great courage to realize that leaving was the correct option. Most students aren't able to make that decision, and must be forced out," said Luna.
"We both know they weren't about to force me out, so I had a moral imperative to act. After all this time the School was still making exceptions for me," he said. "It was never about me, anyway. It was about what I represented. That idea was too important to everypony."
"Well, it is a noble idea. Nevertheless, you are correct. The faculty looked at you as an icon of progress rather than a student. In this way, the School is the one who has failed you," said Luna. She scooted her chair forward to close the distance with her former student.
Kevin chuckled darkly. "You know what the worst part about it is? I'm pretty sure I never had a chance," he said. "I was accepted into the program on substandard test scores and a weak track record with research. Everypony on the committee knew my deficiencies. I've been waiting seven years for this horseshoe to finally drop."
Luna reached out and placed a gentle hoof on Kevin's shoulder. "Kevin, your efforts have earned my respect. The offer to teach remains open."
"Maybe someday. I'm too ashamed to consider it right now."
Princess Luna lifted Kevin's chin to look into his beautiful alien eyes. "I think you have more pride than you admit. You could have come here disguised as anypony, but here you sit before me, your true nature revealed."
"I needed to be honest with myself when I did this," said Kevin. "Even after everything that's happened, it feels wrong to hide who I am."
Luna smiled warmly. "I am very proud of you, Kevin."
"I know you are, Luna," he said, and he shut his eyes tight. "Ponies joke about starving graduate students, but in all this time? I've never once been hungry."
The alicorn pulled her protege into a firm embrace as he began to cry.
Wow. I don't know how best to explain just how frustratingly unnecessary that last line is. It really hurts the story, IMO. If it'd just ended at "hungry", it would've been perfect, and probably ended up in second place in the story rankings I have so far. That last bit is just... too much, too blatant, too treacly.
Ah, pretty decent story still, but... yeah, that final line really doesn't work for me.
Ah, pretty decent story still, but... yeah, that final line really doesn't work for me.
An interesting take on the prompt here, and there's some lovely reflections on offer within the narrative. The brief glance at the effects of systems which put a symbolic idea/gesture ahead of personal merit particularly interested and resonated with me, and the whole narrative is paced wonderfully.
Basically, not too shabby at all. In fact, a definite highlight.
Basically, not too shabby at all. In fact, a definite highlight.
This is dangerous territory because some ponies may see this as a political statement against affirmative action. I seriously doubt that's the case, but it's worth mentioning you should tread carefully and be aware of how ponies may mistakenly take offense if they see this as a message piece. It doesn't currently read like an author tract, but if you expand the dialogue any, that will be a risk.
>>Rolo
I frequently think ponies should stop a paragraph before they do, but in this case I'm not sure I agree. The crying seems a bit uncharacteristically maudlin, but I notice Luna's behaviors foreshadowing her pushing closer to her student so that she can eventually get in a hug and I kind of like that.
That said, the last line is too different from the previous one. If you're going to have that last part you need the transition to be a little smoother. I think this would work better expanded a bit—but again, with care about the message.
>>Rolo
I frequently think ponies should stop a paragraph before they do, but in this case I'm not sure I agree. The crying seems a bit uncharacteristically maudlin, but I notice Luna's behaviors foreshadowing her pushing closer to her student so that she can eventually get in a hug and I kind of like that.
That said, the last line is too different from the previous one. If you're going to have that last part you need the transition to be a little smoother. I think this would work better expanded a bit—but again, with care about the message.
As both characters note, there’s a much deeper story under the surface here. And yet, I keep getting tripped up by a relatively minor point. It’s not that the changeling’s named Kevin; I know where that comes from. No, it’s the cubicle. It just feels out of place in Canterlot. I know it seems trivial, but that made me stumble and I never quite found my stride afterwards.
Still, putting that aside, there are a lot of powerful emotions and deep societal ramifications here. I’d love to see this expanded into the saga of a country-wide effort to incorporate changelings into Equestria, with stumbling blocks and setbacks along the way. Even as is, it’s quite good.
Still, putting that aside, there are a lot of powerful emotions and deep societal ramifications here. I’d love to see this expanded into the saga of a country-wide effort to incorporate changelings into Equestria, with stumbling blocks and setbacks along the way. Even as is, it’s quite good.
I really, really liked this one. I assume that the reason for naming him Kevin was due to the fan name for the changeling and Cranky and Matilda's wedding, aye? Anyway... my general thoughts on this are that it's really well done. Made fantastic use of the prompt, both with concept and execution. I enjoy the idea of Luna having a protege, but I feel like adding that last sentence in is unnecessary. We can already gather that much from what's already presented, so the final sentence feels redundant with what's already been said. Regardless, this is finishing really high up on my ballot. Good job.
Because I know:
How much I appreciate it when I get conflicting advice in the comments, I'm gonna chime in about how absolutely perfect the last line is. Changeling stories are always about them taking emotion in, so to see Kevin honestly expressing what he's feeling at the end is, I'd say, vital. Especially since he's being so stiff-upper-lip throughout the whole thing and "resigning his commission for the good of the regiment."
I actually have to agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that it was the cubicle in the first line that threw me for bit as well as the way the POV mooshes around at the beginning: Luna's in the 1st paragraph, Kevin's in the 2nd, and a much more external viewpoint for the rest of the story. Still, very good.
Mike
How much I appreciate it when I get conflicting advice in the comments, I'm gonna chime in about how absolutely perfect the last line is. Changeling stories are always about them taking emotion in, so to see Kevin honestly expressing what he's feeling at the end is, I'd say, vital. Especially since he's being so stiff-upper-lip throughout the whole thing and "resigning his commission for the good of the regiment."
I actually have to agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that it was the cubicle in the first line that threw me for bit as well as the way the POV mooshes around at the beginning: Luna's in the 1st paragraph, Kevin's in the 2nd, and a much more external viewpoint for the rest of the story. Still, very good.
Mike
Okay, I liked it, even though the end is a bit sloshy. I especially liked the idea of Luna taking a changeling under her wing. It maybe a nice parable on affirmative action and the limits thereof. But, on the other hand, I feel it was a bit generic. We never got to know what really happened. The changeling failed, but failed what exactly? I understand that in 750 words you may have to choose to redact this from your story, but just a little hint would've been fine.
Man, this one really hit my feels. Though the ending is a bit weak, I think the overall idea behind the piece is a fascinating one. I always love stories about renegade Changelings trying to live amongst Equestrians without malice, and I think this one executed the concept fairly competently. I also enjoyed the fact that Luna was the one that related this much to the Changeling; after all, both have made mistakes in the past and she herself had to work to win ponies' trust again. It just makes sense in a narrative sense, and I love it for that. A sad and sweet fic.
Interesting. like the idea of Luna taking on a changeling student. Makes sense that she'd see the best in someone no one else does.
Shooting for the Moon (Retrospective)
Thanks to all the reviewers, first off: >>Rolo >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>FanOfMostEverything >>Mordred >>Baal Bunny >>Monokeras >>libertydude >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Now for some comments of my own.
Some ponies hated the last line, and others loved it. I think that line (or one like it) is necessary because it's what the entire story is building towards (Luna entering Kevin's personal space, and Kevin finally breaking), but I'm not sure how to make it less ham-hoofed. Ideas are welcome.
Yeah, I suppose cubicles are too anachronistic for ponies. That's an easy fix.
That's about it, unless anypony has questions.
Thanks to all the reviewers, first off: >>Rolo >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>FanOfMostEverything >>Mordred >>Baal Bunny >>Monokeras >>libertydude >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Now for some comments of my own.
Some ponies hated the last line, and others loved it. I think that line (or one like it) is necessary because it's what the entire story is building towards (Luna entering Kevin's personal space, and Kevin finally breaking), but I'm not sure how to make it less ham-hoofed. Ideas are welcome.
Yeah, I suppose cubicles are too anachronistic for ponies. That's an easy fix.
That's about it, unless anypony has questions.
>>Trick_Question
My only real comment is that I'm not sure that calling the changeling Kevin is the best choice; combined with the cubicle, it made me think this was a human story early on.
My only real comment is that I'm not sure that calling the changeling Kevin is the best choice; combined with the cubicle, it made me think this was a human story early on.
>>TitaniumDragon
I wasn't sure about Kevin, but most readers knew Kevin was the name of the changeling from the wedding episode (according to the card game). I'll need to make it clear that he isn't human early.
"I'm just here for the food." –Kevin
EDIT: Replaced emdash with endash because I'm a dork.
I wasn't sure about Kevin, but most readers knew Kevin was the name of the changeling from the wedding episode (according to the card game). I'll need to make it clear that he isn't human early.
"I'm just here for the food." –Kevin
EDIT: Replaced emdash with endash because I'm a dork.