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Field Trip
“Alright,” Apple Bloom clopped her hooves together, “let’s get tah work!”
“Give me a minute here, my wings are killing me!”
“I thought ya were the ‘ultimate scooter driver’?”
“Oh stuff it, Apple Bloom!”
“Sweetie, are ya done over there?”
“It should be good.” The unicorn shoved a desk sideways a bit with magic. “They sure are persistent!”
“That's why we gotta go fast! Come on, help me out here!” Everyone gathered around the desk, barely eye-level with the surface. “Give me a hoof-up here?” Scootaloo moved next to Apple Bloom, letting her stand on her back.
Apple Bloom quickly grabbed a quill out of the inkwell, then paused to think. “What’dya think: ‘By order of’, or ‘By decree of’?”
“Decree sounds more princess-y, don't you think?”
“Good enough for me! Just hurry up!”
“Alright! ‘By decree of the Princesses, any colt or filly that has cutie mark problems of any kind should never give up and keep trying! All find their special talent eventually!’”
“Apple Bloom,” Sweetie glanced at the door as the farm pony climbed down, “are you sure this is the best way to spread our message about cutie marks?”
“Best? Nah, but definitely the most awesome! This is way better than that boring science field trip, and it helps ponies!” Scootaloo zoomed around the room, striking poses. “Like when I-”
There was a bang on the door. “Open up in there, or else we’ll have to blow the door open!”
“Oh yeah. We should probably do something about that,” Apple Bloom gestured to the door.
“Let's hit the road, then!” Scootaloo picked up her scooter again, the other two hopping on the back wagon.
“Watch this,” the pegasus smirked. “Sweetie, move the desk and open the door!”
The three shot out of the room, right between the legs of a crowd of guards, all of which turned to watch the escaping trio.
“Sorry!”
“See ya, suckers!”
Everypony looked at each other. Without a word, they began to sweep the room.
“No threats were detected, Princess.”
“Very well, Captain. Thank you.”
The captain bowed, before leading his guards back down the hall.
Celestia stepped into the room that had apparently been invaded by three fillies. With a smile, she sat behind the desk.
“Sister, this is ridiculous!”
Celestia looked up at Luna. “They didn't do anything too harmful, so I'm not going to punish them. Too much.”
“Tia, they broke into your own personal office! I also believe in leniency, but this is too far,” Luna exclaimed.
Celestia was about to respond when she noticed the new letter. She picked it up, her smile growing wider as she read.
“What is it?”
“The intruder’s message. Though I think I might have to update it slightly, the papers would have a ball if they thought this was my hoofwriting,” Celestia remarked as she passed the sheet of paper to her sister, who snatched it.
Within a few lines, she was smiling too. “I see. I think I can grant some sway with this particular case.”
Celestia cracked a full grin. “Some. But I know three fillies that are getting a grounding.
Luna matched her expression. “And maybe just a small scare tonight,” she added.
Don't go too hard on them.” Her grin softened. “They’re just trying to do the right thing.”
“Give me a minute here, my wings are killing me!”
“I thought ya were the ‘ultimate scooter driver’?”
“Oh stuff it, Apple Bloom!”
“Sweetie, are ya done over there?”
“It should be good.” The unicorn shoved a desk sideways a bit with magic. “They sure are persistent!”
“That's why we gotta go fast! Come on, help me out here!” Everyone gathered around the desk, barely eye-level with the surface. “Give me a hoof-up here?” Scootaloo moved next to Apple Bloom, letting her stand on her back.
Apple Bloom quickly grabbed a quill out of the inkwell, then paused to think. “What’dya think: ‘By order of’, or ‘By decree of’?”
“Decree sounds more princess-y, don't you think?”
“Good enough for me! Just hurry up!”
“Alright! ‘By decree of the Princesses, any colt or filly that has cutie mark problems of any kind should never give up and keep trying! All find their special talent eventually!’”
“Apple Bloom,” Sweetie glanced at the door as the farm pony climbed down, “are you sure this is the best way to spread our message about cutie marks?”
“Best? Nah, but definitely the most awesome! This is way better than that boring science field trip, and it helps ponies!” Scootaloo zoomed around the room, striking poses. “Like when I-”
There was a bang on the door. “Open up in there, or else we’ll have to blow the door open!”
“Oh yeah. We should probably do something about that,” Apple Bloom gestured to the door.
“Let's hit the road, then!” Scootaloo picked up her scooter again, the other two hopping on the back wagon.
“Watch this,” the pegasus smirked. “Sweetie, move the desk and open the door!”
The three shot out of the room, right between the legs of a crowd of guards, all of which turned to watch the escaping trio.
“Sorry!”
“See ya, suckers!”
Everypony looked at each other. Without a word, they began to sweep the room.
“No threats were detected, Princess.”
“Very well, Captain. Thank you.”
The captain bowed, before leading his guards back down the hall.
Celestia stepped into the room that had apparently been invaded by three fillies. With a smile, she sat behind the desk.
“Sister, this is ridiculous!”
Celestia looked up at Luna. “They didn't do anything too harmful, so I'm not going to punish them. Too much.”
“Tia, they broke into your own personal office! I also believe in leniency, but this is too far,” Luna exclaimed.
Celestia was about to respond when she noticed the new letter. She picked it up, her smile growing wider as she read.
“What is it?”
“The intruder’s message. Though I think I might have to update it slightly, the papers would have a ball if they thought this was my hoofwriting,” Celestia remarked as she passed the sheet of paper to her sister, who snatched it.
Within a few lines, she was smiling too. “I see. I think I can grant some sway with this particular case.”
Celestia cracked a full grin. “Some. But I know three fillies that are getting a grounding.
Luna matched her expression. “And maybe just a small scare tonight,” she added.
Don't go too hard on them.” Her grin softened. “They’re just trying to do the right thing.”
this one's lively and has some action, at least. I just wanted some clarity. I had absolutely no idea what the situation or setting was until the 2nd half, when the action's already calmed down.
I get that it's withholding information for a little surprise later, but being totally in the dark makes it too difficult to follow what's going on. at least toss the reader a few scraps at the beginning, so it can feel more satisfying when we get to fill in the blanks later on.
I get that it's withholding information for a little surprise later, but being totally in the dark makes it too difficult to follow what's going on. at least toss the reader a few scraps at the beginning, so it can feel more satisfying when we get to fill in the blanks later on.
I suppose Ms. Frizzle pony would be a bit much to ask…
Oh. That was pretty cute, though I think you may have benefitted from holding off on the reveal until Celestia got to see the decree. The idea of the Crusaders invading and mucking about in her office has enough potential for disaster to keep readers hooked until they discover the trio’s intentions. Just make their location clear from the start.
That said, this version was still an enjoyable romp.
Oh. That was pretty cute, though I think you may have benefitted from holding off on the reveal until Celestia got to see the decree. The idea of the Crusaders invading and mucking about in her office has enough potential for disaster to keep readers hooked until they discover the trio’s intentions. Just make their location clear from the start.
That said, this version was still an enjoyable romp.
Why would the CMC go to Canterlot and do this when they have a princess in their own city?
I think you have two stories here rather than just one, and they don't quite mesh together. I think it would be better to focus on one or the other than split the difference.
I think you have two stories here rather than just one, and they don't quite mesh together. I think it would be better to focus on one or the other than split the difference.
A fun story, and I thought it was very good overall. I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that it probably would have been better if you had saved the contents of the decree until the end.
To paraphrase Scootaloo, "this story isn't the best, but it is pretty awesome."
To paraphrase Scootaloo, "this story isn't the best, but it is pretty awesome."
Cute story, though I wonder why, given their existing relationship with Twilight, the CMC chose to go down this particular route? Could it be that they've already helped everypony in Ponyville?
I echo the thoughts of others, that a greater anchoring of location would have helped the initial moments of the story. I get the feeling that you are going for a deliberate slow-feed of information, but there still needs to be more at this initial stage. At the very least, referencing something like heavy banging against the door at various points would allow for the building of some light tension, and this would have underpinned the antics of the CMC quite nicely.
I'm not sure what the second half brings to the table, to be honest. I think it might have been better to reference the decree there, as others have said, or otherwise used it for a punchline that required less space, so that you could have focused more on the CMC doing what they do best.
At any rate, it was quite fun. Thanks for sharing your work.
I echo the thoughts of others, that a greater anchoring of location would have helped the initial moments of the story. I get the feeling that you are going for a deliberate slow-feed of information, but there still needs to be more at this initial stage. At the very least, referencing something like heavy banging against the door at various points would allow for the building of some light tension, and this would have underpinned the antics of the CMC quite nicely.
I'm not sure what the second half brings to the table, to be honest. I think it might have been better to reference the decree there, as others have said, or otherwise used it for a punchline that required less space, so that you could have focused more on the CMC doing what they do best.
At any rate, it was quite fun. Thanks for sharing your work.
I'd like to roll my eyes at the idea of the CMC breaking into the personal office of one of the rulers of the land.. But then again, the Royal Guard never impressed me with their competence, and the CMC are pretty driven, so I suppose I can buy it. Thoiugh I don't understand why they didn't pull this stunt on Twilight instead. Or, you know, just ASKED instead of engaging in some B&E.
I'll second some of the other reviews that some additional information about the situation would have been useful up front. You don't have to give away exactly where the CMC is, or the details of what they're doing... But knowing that they're being chased, or are in trouble would have made things a bit easier to follow from the very beginning.
Also, the guards just going in to sweep the room... And thus letting the CMC escape... seemed a bit odd. Maybe if you threw in a line about the guard captain rolling his eyes and sighing, allowing the kids to make their getaway... Because they're a known quantity, definitely not a threat to the crown, and they know where they live anyway. So it's more important to ensure that the Princess's office isn't on fire rather than apprehend the rapscallions? Otherwise the guards look super incompetent. (As opposed to just regular incompetent, which is their normal state of being.)
I'll second some of the other reviews that some additional information about the situation would have been useful up front. You don't have to give away exactly where the CMC is, or the details of what they're doing... But knowing that they're being chased, or are in trouble would have made things a bit easier to follow from the very beginning.
Also, the guards just going in to sweep the room... And thus letting the CMC escape... seemed a bit odd. Maybe if you threw in a line about the guard captain rolling his eyes and sighing, allowing the kids to make their getaway... Because they're a known quantity, definitely not a threat to the crown, and they know where they live anyway. So it's more important to ensure that the Princess's office isn't on fire rather than apprehend the rapscallions? Otherwise the guards look super incompetent. (As opposed to just regular incompetent, which is their normal state of being.)
Not a big fan of this one, either. I didn't see much point. I also agree with Haze's comment up above that I didn't get anything until the second half, and FoME's comment about saving the reveal. Having the CMC invade Celestia's office to bicker is funnier than them bickering in a void.