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The Dragon Prince
"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Twilight asked. "You don't have to, you know. I'm sure Ember wouldn't think any less of you."
"I need to do this, Twi," Spike said bitterly. "She'd have wanted that." He wanted to cry, he needed to, yet he couldn't. He had made a promise and was going to keep it. "Can you..." He looked at the cave. A crimson light glowed from within. "Let me have a few minutes alone with her. Please."
"Of course," Twilight smiled. "Have all the time you need."
You don't have to pretend, Twi. Ember's death hit you pretty hard too. I know you blame yourself for giving her the idea. I know I still blame you for it. After this is over I'll be moving to live with Celestia. Maybe in time I'll return to you. Who knows?
The dragon made his way into the cave. The floor was warm to touch. As per Dragon Lore, ten fully grown dragons had breathed fire on the face of the mountain until they formed what would be Ember's final resting place. After the ceremony was over they would do it again, enclosing her in molten stone. Spike had never considered he'd be the one to see her off. The more they'd talked these last few years, the more he'd seen her as invincible. If anyone was going to perish it was going to be him, he'd thought. He was the weakling, the ponyfied, the wingless. Instead, he had lived.
As he went further in, another dragon appeared facing him.
"Spike," the dragon greeted curtly.
"Garble," Spike responded in turn.
They had never liked each other. Once they had been enemies, then they had been rivals. Both had tried to win Ember over, both had gone through a lot in order to do so, both had been scarred by her loss. What will you do, Garble? You tried to change her mind till the very end. Even after you knew she'd chosen me, even after she'd said so, you never gave up. Will you give up now?
Ember's body rested comfortably on a crystal slab. Princess Cadence had personally sent the best block of crystal from the Empire to be used for the occasion. Originally, it was supposed to be her wedding present to them. Spike and Ember were supposed to have their betrothing battle upon it. You would have liked it, Ember. It's your colour. Rarity spent a full week matching one of your scales to crystal samples until she found the perfect shade.
Standing above her, the dragon gently slid his hand over her cheek. For a moment he dared hope that a miracle would happen, that she would wake up and slap him through the face for being such a sap. It didn't. The Dragon Princess remained motionless, clad in golden armour, holding the Dragon Lord scepter.
"Hello, Ember," Spike said quietly. "I still can't believe you’re gone. Yesterday you were telling me you'd found a way to get the dragons to accept me. If I had known, I..." The words stuck to his throat. If he had known he would have stopped her. He never cared about being accepted, he only wanted to be with her. "You were right, you know. It worked." Spike spread his wings, his beautiful majestic wings. "You won the arena of fate and got your wish. I have wings now. Large, magnificent, wings..." Large, stupid, useless wings! How could you think I'd choose wings over you?!
Stupid Dragon Lore! Spike clenched his fists. The rules stated that a wingless dragon could never become a prince. Spike could be with Ember only as a concubinus. If it were up to him, he'd laugh and go for it, but Ember had been determined to have her dream wedding. She had gone places that shouldn't have been disturbed, challenged forces that shouldn't have been challenged, all for the sake of that one wish. And this was the result. Spike would tear them off and throw them into a volcano… if he hadn't made a promise.
"I promised I wouldn't be mad at you no matter what," the dragon knelt beside her body. "I promised that I wouldn't cry, and I didn't. I promised I'd never harm myself, and I won't. I'll take the title of Dragon Prince and the wings you gave me. And no matter where I fly, I'll always miss you, Ember..."
"I need to do this, Twi," Spike said bitterly. "She'd have wanted that." He wanted to cry, he needed to, yet he couldn't. He had made a promise and was going to keep it. "Can you..." He looked at the cave. A crimson light glowed from within. "Let me have a few minutes alone with her. Please."
"Of course," Twilight smiled. "Have all the time you need."
You don't have to pretend, Twi. Ember's death hit you pretty hard too. I know you blame yourself for giving her the idea. I know I still blame you for it. After this is over I'll be moving to live with Celestia. Maybe in time I'll return to you. Who knows?
The dragon made his way into the cave. The floor was warm to touch. As per Dragon Lore, ten fully grown dragons had breathed fire on the face of the mountain until they formed what would be Ember's final resting place. After the ceremony was over they would do it again, enclosing her in molten stone. Spike had never considered he'd be the one to see her off. The more they'd talked these last few years, the more he'd seen her as invincible. If anyone was going to perish it was going to be him, he'd thought. He was the weakling, the ponyfied, the wingless. Instead, he had lived.
As he went further in, another dragon appeared facing him.
"Spike," the dragon greeted curtly.
"Garble," Spike responded in turn.
They had never liked each other. Once they had been enemies, then they had been rivals. Both had tried to win Ember over, both had gone through a lot in order to do so, both had been scarred by her loss. What will you do, Garble? You tried to change her mind till the very end. Even after you knew she'd chosen me, even after she'd said so, you never gave up. Will you give up now?
Ember's body rested comfortably on a crystal slab. Princess Cadence had personally sent the best block of crystal from the Empire to be used for the occasion. Originally, it was supposed to be her wedding present to them. Spike and Ember were supposed to have their betrothing battle upon it. You would have liked it, Ember. It's your colour. Rarity spent a full week matching one of your scales to crystal samples until she found the perfect shade.
Standing above her, the dragon gently slid his hand over her cheek. For a moment he dared hope that a miracle would happen, that she would wake up and slap him through the face for being such a sap. It didn't. The Dragon Princess remained motionless, clad in golden armour, holding the Dragon Lord scepter.
"Hello, Ember," Spike said quietly. "I still can't believe you’re gone. Yesterday you were telling me you'd found a way to get the dragons to accept me. If I had known, I..." The words stuck to his throat. If he had known he would have stopped her. He never cared about being accepted, he only wanted to be with her. "You were right, you know. It worked." Spike spread his wings, his beautiful majestic wings. "You won the arena of fate and got your wish. I have wings now. Large, magnificent, wings..." Large, stupid, useless wings! How could you think I'd choose wings over you?!
Stupid Dragon Lore! Spike clenched his fists. The rules stated that a wingless dragon could never become a prince. Spike could be with Ember only as a concubinus. If it were up to him, he'd laugh and go for it, but Ember had been determined to have her dream wedding. She had gone places that shouldn't have been disturbed, challenged forces that shouldn't have been challenged, all for the sake of that one wish. And this was the result. Spike would tear them off and throw them into a volcano… if he hadn't made a promise.
"I promised I wouldn't be mad at you no matter what," the dragon knelt beside her body. "I promised that I wouldn't cry, and I didn't. I promised I'd never harm myself, and I won't. I'll take the title of Dragon Prince and the wings you gave me. And no matter where I fly, I'll always miss you, Ember..."
This is definitely a victim of the word limit. The concept is fascinating, but it’s too short to give the emotional resonance you want. We’re being rushed through the buildup and told to feel sad without any of the relationship building, desperation, or tragic realization that the idea needs to work. I’d love to see this expanded, but for now, it just isn’t enough.
I don't often like "funeral mourning" stories, but this one got my attention. it hints at a lot of various character conflicts that lead up to this. it wasn't just a sudden random death, but a tragedy that came from the characters' decisions.
I think all it's missing is that this minific feels like a pivotal moment, one that captures the whole epic saga, but it doesn't feel like a turning point. Spike reflects on all that has happened, but has he changed after saying his goodbyes? or perhaps instead he resists a change? that's what I want to see at a moment like this.
I think all it's missing is that this minific feels like a pivotal moment, one that captures the whole epic saga, but it doesn't feel like a turning point. Spike reflects on all that has happened, but has he changed after saying his goodbyes? or perhaps instead he resists a change? that's what I want to see at a moment like this.
I know I still blame you for it.
This is too important a thing to make this telly. The ideas and feelings here are all good ones, but you need to find a way to show us what Spike feels and thinks other than by telling us directly. That's the only real problem with this story, but it's a large (and consistent) one.
On the whole, this is a very good story, but I do have a few minor complaints. Garble's presence seems unnecessary, and those words probably could have been better used elsewhere. It seems weird to have the Dragon Prince living with Celestia instead of in the Dragon Lands. And I find it a bit hard to believe that Twilight couldn't find a way to give Spike some wings, especially since she was able to give some to Rarity back in "Sonic Rainboom." Sure, those wings wouldn't exactly work for a dragon, but she's an alicorn now, so she could probably figure something out.
This is still one of my favorite stories so far though.
This is still one of my favorite stories so far though.
Lovely ideas and world development going on here, but the word limit occasionally forces your hand, rushing us through some aspects of it. Spike's initial inner monologue is one such example where the outcome spoils the intention. That's no to take anything away from the quality of the writing, though: It's pretty darn good.
I'll be honest though, It personally felt like you chose the wrong viewpoint character here, or, at least, a lesser dramatic focus point. Spike feels like he has very little agency, and although his feelings are potent, they personally didn't drive me through the narrative. The more interesting aspect was the blaming of Twilight for giving Ember the idea, particularly after (I presume) what would have been a period of Twilight attempting to give Spike wings herself. Tremendous amount of prompt related emotional drama there, and it's what I'd love to be reading. The rest of the story never got out from under its shadow, for me.
That's not taking anything away from this one, though. It's intriguing and focused, and written well. It just needs a little more space to develop its ideas more naturally. Thanks for sharing.
I'll be honest though, It personally felt like you chose the wrong viewpoint character here, or, at least, a lesser dramatic focus point. Spike feels like he has very little agency, and although his feelings are potent, they personally didn't drive me through the narrative. The more interesting aspect was the blaming of Twilight for giving Ember the idea, particularly after (I presume) what would have been a period of Twilight attempting to give Spike wings herself. Tremendous amount of prompt related emotional drama there, and it's what I'd love to be reading. The rest of the story never got out from under its shadow, for me.
That's not taking anything away from this one, though. It's intriguing and focused, and written well. It just needs a little more space to develop its ideas more naturally. Thanks for sharing.
Interesting concept, and good execution. I liked it, though I agree with the above reviewers that 750 words is a bit short and limited for the concept. Still, you did a good job showing the edges of the tragedy, without describing the exact details. Thumbs up. :)
The Dragon Prince - B+ — A quality plot, touching and straightforward, even if it’s slightly telly (which I’ll blame on the word limit) The impact is weakened because of that, leaving a melancholy story without the impact you should get by bringing the POV focus closer to the character, which could be done by actually eliminating Twilight from a speaking role and having all of his dialogue be internal. The more the reader is ‘inside’ the POV character, the stronger their reaction should be to events.
Others have noted that Garble's presence didn't make sense. To some extent, I disagree; the story gives him a plausible reason to be there, and it built the expectation that Garble would help explain the underlying conflict in the story, and start giving us more hints about what had happened. Garble's entrance would have been a great opportunity to do those things, because the story up to that point was doing a good job of hinting and teasing at something bigger going on.
But unfortunately, from "Standing above her" onward, the story ceased forward momentum and became largely about Spike having wings. IMO, in a minific, you can't spend too much time establishing the situation; you kind of have to jump in there and hope the audience is buying what you're selling. This one had a great setup, but it shifted into neutral when it should have hit the gas.
Tier: Needs work
But unfortunately, from "Standing above her" onward, the story ceased forward momentum and became largely about Spike having wings. IMO, in a minific, you can't spend too much time establishing the situation; you kind of have to jump in there and hope the audience is buying what you're selling. This one had a great setup, but it shifted into neutral when it should have hit the gas.
Tier: Needs work
Yeah yeah. Gushy, but also very telly. There is not much shown, everything is told. And yet you leave out some important information. Who's speaking? An adult Spike? I thought Spike had a crush on Rarity. What happened to Ember exactly? What's the role of Twilight in this?
The resolution is weak. There's no real punch in this story, since it's all-tell, and too vague. The concept is interesting, but it needs a major overhaul.
The resolution is weak. There's no real punch in this story, since it's all-tell, and too vague. The concept is interesting, but it needs a major overhaul.
As much as I love stories about Dragons in Equestria, I thought this story was kind of weak. There certainly is a decent melancholy feel over the piece, but the fact of the matter is that this only comes about because Spike explains it to us. Other than the tomb description, almost all of the story is done through exposition and little to no environmental feel.
Also, this story has the weird handicap of being both too specific and too vague. Practically everything that led to these events is explained, but some things are curiously left out. Things like why Twilight blames Spike or the precise nature of Ember's demise are left out, despite being integral for the circumstances for Ember's death to occur. You'd think Spike would be pondering these thoughts, yet they're never really expounded upon. It feels too selective, making the story more frustrating than the intended tearjerker.
Interesting idea, but it either needs to be expanded or retooled.
Also, this story has the weird handicap of being both too specific and too vague. Practically everything that led to these events is explained, but some things are curiously left out. Things like why Twilight blames Spike or the precise nature of Ember's demise are left out, despite being integral for the circumstances for Ember's death to occur. You'd think Spike would be pondering these thoughts, yet they're never really expounded upon. It feels too selective, making the story more frustrating than the intended tearjerker.
Interesting idea, but it either needs to be expanded or retooled.