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This is a clever recasting of the tale.
Multiple sepulchers is rather odd. A sepulcher is either a monument or a room, not just a coffin or grave.
I think it would be more useful to have a sense of the ponies that these three are fighting for instead of focusing on the dead. It feels like everypony is dead, and these are the last three remaining ponies, in which case the battle is essentially meaningless.
In neigh-canon, Smart Cookie is female (Journal of the Two Sisters). I believe only Commander Hurricane is a stallion.
Multiple sepulchers is rather odd. A sepulcher is either a monument or a room, not just a coffin or grave.
I think it would be more useful to have a sense of the ponies that these three are fighting for instead of focusing on the dead. It feels like everypony is dead, and these are the last three remaining ponies, in which case the battle is essentially meaningless.
In neigh-canon, Smart Cookie is female (Journal of the Two Sisters). I believe only Commander Hurricane is a stallion.
It's Zephyr Breeze. :raritydespair:
The story's great, though. I have no other recommendations.
The story's great, though. I have no other recommendations.
A lot of fun:
Yes, the piece had pervasive period problems, if I might become alliterative for a moment, and the end comes in out of nowhere--I'd need more build-up to the idea that Celestia here is considered a tyrant, author, before I'll buy a mob at the palace gates. Maybe drop in something about how she only killed a few ponies while on vacation, or go the other way and establish that Clopernicus and Palomino were notorious anti-Celestia partisans and that Twilight has now stirred up their modern descendants. A nice way to start my reading this time around!
Mike
Yes, the piece had pervasive period problems, if I might become alliterative for a moment, and the end comes in out of nowhere--I'd need more build-up to the idea that Celestia here is considered a tyrant, author, before I'll buy a mob at the palace gates. Maybe drop in something about how she only killed a few ponies while on vacation, or go the other way and establish that Clopernicus and Palomino were notorious anti-Celestia partisans and that Twilight has now stirred up their modern descendants. A nice way to start my reading this time around!
Mike
The joke relies (in TVTropes terms) on a Subversion of Genre Savvy and Lampshade Hanging. Twilight becomes aware In Universe that Remember the New Guy is at play and tries to Defy the trope. Alas, she fails.
It's troperriffic. I rather like this one; not too much, but enough.
I'm a bit confused about whose sibling Winking Star is, though. Applejack's? Is he even a sibling? Does it even matter?
It's troperriffic. I rather like this one; not too much, but enough.
I'm a bit confused about whose sibling Winking Star is, though. Applejack's? Is he even a sibling? Does it even matter?
I don't think the second section adds anything.
Zecora doesn't seem like the type of pony who would be happy foisting off a curse onto somepony else, especially not the very pony who was throwing her a birthday party.
I admit the rhymes bored me and I ended up skipping to the end of the story.
Zecora doesn't seem like the type of pony who would be happy foisting off a curse onto somepony else, especially not the very pony who was throwing her a birthday party.
I admit the rhymes bored me and I ended up skipping to the end of the story.
The back and forth was really nice, the pacing was nice, the grammar was nice (I think), the tension was pretty cool. I apologize for this, but I can't think of anything to criticize about this story. It's nice for what it is. The mystery of it is really cool as well, even though I figured out who it was pretty early in. Although I thought they were playing chess. XD
All throughout this I was kind of hoping something would click with me; I still genuinely don't know whether I've just missed the point here completely, but the message and purpose of the story (in-keeping with the prompt) lacked clarity/presence. I was left feeling that something was hidden in there, but always out of my reach. Perhaps the sun today has just addled my brain.
At any rate, the history geek in me quite enjoyed the textbook-style approach to exploring griffin myths and legends, but that was all this felt like at the end of the day. A history lesson.
As always, though, thanks for sharing your work with the community!
At any rate, the history geek in me quite enjoyed the textbook-style approach to exploring griffin myths and legends, but that was all this felt like at the end of the day. A history lesson.
As always, though, thanks for sharing your work with the community!
Funny enough, but it's a bit lacking in plot; it sort of wanders around making jokes for a bit and then it ends. It could also use a bit of editing - there are a few points that should have commas and don't, for example. Not bad, though.
I can mostly see what the story is trying to do, but it's not very coherent. Looks almost like some very last-minute editing mucked things up.
I'm not understanding what role Twilight is playing here. Or what's going on with her when she "stopped flying" (when did she start?) and "backed away".
Oh.
Figures I'd get it the moment I start complaining. Twilight was rushing over to help Applejack (the action is implied, not described), who waved for her to move away because Applejack wanted to continue working on her own.
Still feels odd that it's just Twilight and none of the others.
The weird construction of the whole story makes it hard to get into and feel what it's meant to convey. Again, it feels like it had chunks haphazardly removed to fit the word limit, making for something too distractingly confusing to be appropriately feely.
I'm not understanding what role Twilight is playing here. Or what's going on with her when she "stopped flying" (when did she start?) and "backed away".
Oh.
Figures I'd get it the moment I start complaining. Twilight was rushing over to help Applejack (the action is implied, not described), who waved for her to move away because Applejack wanted to continue working on her own.
Still feels odd that it's just Twilight and none of the others.
The weird construction of the whole story makes it hard to get into and feel what it's meant to convey. Again, it feels like it had chunks haphazardly removed to fit the word limit, making for something too distractingly confusing to be appropriately feely.
Interesting concept, and one that shone brighter than the execution. I can deal with the occasional part where the rhyming became forced—that happens in the show often enough—but the parts where the rhythmic structure was off were jarring. The reveal actually made me smile, but it was a little overdone/explained for my personal tastes. And it perhaps needed a smidge of something to offset all the sparring going on in the middle.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
Zecora and Pinkie Pie going at a rap battle seems like a fitting enough pair. I thought the rhymes were alright, and it kept my attention throughout. I can't say much more than that.
Even though the chaos of this makes it a bit of a rough start, I enjoyed it. Also, I love the title!
Synopsis: Discord has a crush on Twilight, and is walking through the town on his way to her castle, to give her flowers and express his feelings. Along the way, his hopes and fears and generally chaotic, Discordian voices offer their thoughts, along with his own (italicized) observations.
So, my thoughts:
- I like that each voice had a personality of its own — Voice 1: Doubt and Pessimism, Voice 2: Hope and Optimism, Voice 3: Despair, Voice 4: Um... Gibbering Chaos? Anyway these are all a bit like angels and demons standing on your shoulder and offering their thoughts, except very much in Discord-style.
- I do feel it would be more effective to personify the voices (give them an appropriate elemental name), instead of giving them generic labels. I can see where you might want the reader to tease that out from the words the voices speak, but this being such a short, seemingly chaotic piece makes it more difficult to catch on and enjoy the reveal at the end. At least for me.
- Seems like you're going for alliteration here instead of meaning, which is fine, but it would be more effective if both words related better to the kind of things that Discord's negative side wants and misses, now that he's being forced to observe his nature and change for the benefit of everyone else.
- I'll observe a pet peeve of mine:
This line is fine, of itself, but I see lot of authors tack "out of the blue" ideas like this on to other distinct ideas as a way to tie them together with a comma, and all it does for me is knock me out of immersion. I really think this idea – that ponies are shocked to see Discord walking down the street, holding flowers and talking to himself – would be much better suited as a short, standalone paragraph.
- I love the fact that even Hope (2nd voice) gives up and recommends that Discord run away. Poor Discord!
- Finally, now that I read back over it, I also get the feeling that the dialogue could go on for a few more lines as a better (and more humorous) build-up to the ending. It doesn't feel to me like there's enough tension built up to release by the end. But as it is, this story is short and sweet for the few words it has available.
Synopsis: Discord has a crush on Twilight, and is walking through the town on his way to her castle, to give her flowers and express his feelings. Along the way, his hopes and fears and generally chaotic, Discordian voices offer their thoughts, along with his own (italicized) observations.
So, my thoughts:
- I like that each voice had a personality of its own — Voice 1: Doubt and Pessimism, Voice 2: Hope and Optimism, Voice 3: Despair, Voice 4: Um... Gibbering Chaos? Anyway these are all a bit like angels and demons standing on your shoulder and offering their thoughts, except very much in Discord-style.
- I do feel it would be more effective to personify the voices (give them an appropriate elemental name), instead of giving them generic labels. I can see where you might want the reader to tease that out from the words the voices speak, but this being such a short, seemingly chaotic piece makes it more difficult to catch on and enjoy the reveal at the end. At least for me.
'oblong and obsequious.'
- Seems like you're going for alliteration here instead of meaning, which is fine, but it would be more effective if both words related better to the kind of things that Discord's negative side wants and misses, now that he's being forced to observe his nature and change for the benefit of everyone else.
- I'll observe a pet peeve of mine:
", ponies stopping and staring with jaws slack and eyes bulging."
This line is fine, of itself, but I see lot of authors tack "out of the blue" ideas like this on to other distinct ideas as a way to tie them together with a comma, and all it does for me is knock me out of immersion. I really think this idea – that ponies are shocked to see Discord walking down the street, holding flowers and talking to himself – would be much better suited as a short, standalone paragraph.
- I love the fact that even Hope (2nd voice) gives up and recommends that Discord run away. Poor Discord!
- Finally, now that I read back over it, I also get the feeling that the dialogue could go on for a few more lines as a better (and more humorous) build-up to the ending. It doesn't feel to me like there's enough tension built up to release by the end. But as it is, this story is short and sweet for the few words it has available.
Wow. I don't know how best to explain just how frustratingly unnecessary that last line is. It really hurts the story, IMO. If it'd just ended at "hungry", it would've been perfect, and probably ended up in second place in the story rankings I have so far. That last bit is just... too much, too blatant, too treacly.
Ah, pretty decent story still, but... yeah, that final line really doesn't work for me.
Ah, pretty decent story still, but... yeah, that final line really doesn't work for me.
>>Southpaw
I think the voicing could probably be stronger. I didn't pick up on the personalities you did, so it seemed completely random.
Not that doesn't makes sense, mind you (though where's the fun in that), but as a literary device it would have helped me.
I think the voicing could probably be stronger. I didn't pick up on the personalities you did, so it seemed completely random.
Not that doesn't makes sense, mind you (though where's the fun in that), but as a literary device it would have helped me.
There were aspects to this that I quite liked—particularly Octavia's enthusiasm to explore the worlds (and ultimately, the deeper layers of her personality and desires) created by her music, and the attempt to draw something more primal out of her (usually refined and composed) character. It was a nice contrast, which carried the narrative through the weaker moments.
At times the story was very tell-y, with the repetitive opening paragraph and the reveal of her motivation becoming victims of this. I personally thought the latter needed some other device (perhaps another actual character or, dare I say it, a flashback scene), to make this section strong enough to stand out against the rest of the narrative.
I liked it though, and would be interested to see how it might grow within a larger space.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community!
At times the story was very tell-y, with the repetitive opening paragraph and the reveal of her motivation becoming victims of this. I personally thought the latter needed some other device (perhaps another actual character or, dare I say it, a flashback scene), to make this section strong enough to stand out against the rest of the narrative.
I liked it though, and would be interested to see how it might grow within a larger space.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community!
The stallion was a smug prodigy that lorded it over Octavia whenever he had the chance.
This is the exact moment the story becomes telly. You were doing great before this, but this is something you can show the audience and trust us to pick up on. Show us her remembering his actions in order to tell us this part of the story.
The title drop was unnecessary.
The pacing on this is too fast, and the injection of Lyra's thoughts seems a little forced. I think this can be done well as a minific, but you will need more than 1000 words and some fine-tuning.
I think the ending is ever-so-slightly ambiguous, but I liked it. My interpretation is that either this is the afterlife, or Lyra is hallucinating and in the process of dying after inhaling seawater. I prefer the former interpretation, so I would like to see more emotion from Bon Bon, or maybe a short discussion about them being together. The ending feels a little rushed (as does the rest of the story), but I suspect this was time pressure more than word limits.
I think the ending is ever-so-slightly ambiguous, but I liked it. My interpretation is that either this is the afterlife, or Lyra is hallucinating and in the process of dying after inhaling seawater. I prefer the former interpretation, so I would like to see more emotion from Bon Bon, or maybe a short discussion about them being together. The ending feels a little rushed (as does the rest of the story), but I suspect this was time pressure more than word limits.
Well this was certainly enjoyable. Yet another horrible end to the many contests Rainbow and AJ have. Definitely fit the theme and the description of that stench and atmosphere made me rub my nose a bit just thinking about it. Would would you do for 50 bits? Quite a bit it seems.
Oh, this one had me smiling by the end! In my opinion the opening exchange is a little bit generic, and perhaps could have better emphasised the gravity of Dash's predicament (and, thus, her decision) towards the end. What would have been particularly welcome would have been the allowance of a little more of Dash's character to shine through, such as when it's really needed to make her ultimate decision relatable. It was a fun tale though, and the first I had read today that had clearly embraced the prompt.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community!
Thanks for sharing your work with the community!
isn't Starlight Glimmer implied to be more talented and clever than Twilight Sparkle? that's how I interpret her episodes. well whatever, it's not important, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.
this one is.... unique. I'm not sure if I'm positive or negative towards it, because I can't figure out how I should be reading this.
does it start off as sincere self-help and then switch into an over-the-top parody for the 3rd part? though actually that was my second reading. my first instinct was this was all done in a veiled snarkiness like The Onion, all the authors being satirical and bitter, and then Trixie forgets to be subtle and makes it an exaggerated farce.
since all 3 pieces are thinly veiled about Twilight, I was hoping there'd be something with that to wrap up all three together at the end (like maybe Twilight offering her own opinion piece, as one example). I see some potential for development here, but again I'm not clear on what the intention was. perhaps the whole point was simply to use Trixie as the punchline, so then my expectations were unfounded. (but there's always room to develop Trixie anyway!)
this one is.... unique. I'm not sure if I'm positive or negative towards it, because I can't figure out how I should be reading this.
does it start off as sincere self-help and then switch into an over-the-top parody for the 3rd part? though actually that was my second reading. my first instinct was this was all done in a veiled snarkiness like The Onion, all the authors being satirical and bitter, and then Trixie forgets to be subtle and makes it an exaggerated farce.
since all 3 pieces are thinly veiled about Twilight, I was hoping there'd be something with that to wrap up all three together at the end (like maybe Twilight offering her own opinion piece, as one example). I see some potential for development here, but again I'm not clear on what the intention was. perhaps the whole point was simply to use Trixie as the punchline, so then my expectations were unfounded. (but there's always room to develop Trixie anyway!)
I read the second half a bit too fast and had to backpedal. Then it hit me. Oh boy did it hit me.
Anyway, this feels like a small section cut out of something a bit bigger, but such is the task of conveying your thoughts in 750 words. Still was quite the ride though and I enjoyed it. Hopefully you'll take some time to build on this.
Anyway, this feels like a small section cut out of something a bit bigger, but such is the task of conveying your thoughts in 750 words. Still was quite the ride though and I enjoyed it. Hopefully you'll take some time to build on this.
This is nice:
As far as it goes, but it doesn't go anywhere near a resolution. If it was a first chapter, I'd be happy to continue reading, but, well, this isn't a first chapter contest...
Mike
As far as it goes, but it doesn't go anywhere near a resolution. If it was a first chapter, I'd be happy to continue reading, but, well, this isn't a first chapter contest...
Mike
Very nice:
A few things, though. The sphinx is sometimes "she" and sometimes "it," and I'd like to know why she doesn't just leave on her own. Maybe she's too big to fit up the stairs? Whatever the reason, have Daring recognize and address it at the end, author, and it'll make things even nicer.
Mike
A few things, though. The sphinx is sometimes "she" and sometimes "it," and I'd like to know why she doesn't just leave on her own. Maybe she's too big to fit up the stairs? Whatever the reason, have Daring recognize and address it at the end, author, and it'll make things even nicer.
Mike
Ha? Sorry, but this is pretty forgettable. Sleep deprivation works as an excuse for Twilight casting an unlabeled spell, but the end result just isn’t funny.
this one's lively and has some action, at least. I just wanted some clarity. I had absolutely no idea what the situation or setting was until the 2nd half, when the action's already calmed down.
I get that it's withholding information for a little surprise later, but being totally in the dark makes it too difficult to follow what's going on. at least toss the reader a few scraps at the beginning, so it can feel more satisfying when we get to fill in the blanks later on.
I get that it's withholding information for a little surprise later, but being totally in the dark makes it too difficult to follow what's going on. at least toss the reader a few scraps at the beginning, so it can feel more satisfying when we get to fill in the blanks later on.
Hmm. The pacing’s kind of wonky, the story moving in fits and spurts interspersed with dragging portions like Twilight’s attempts to cast the spell. Also, Celestia seems needlessly eerie. Nothing ever came of that moment at the beginning. Finally, it would greatly help if you established just when the majority of the story takes place. Celestia might summon Twilight at virtually any point in time after the latter gets her cutie mark.
In all, there’s definitely a nice story here, but it still needs some work.
In all, there’s definitely a nice story here, but it still needs some work.
So the spirit of chaos is keeping the sun in a constant, static position. Okay then.
Beyond that, I’m going to echo Trick and add a question of my own: Just where is Luna in all of this? Especially when the mystery voice calls Celestia “princess of the stars.” Tia generally only gets one star; her sister handles the rest.
In all, while I like where you’re going with the mythic tone, you were a bit too grandiose for your own good. Sort out the mythology you’re trying to convey and this will go a lot better.
Beyond that, I’m going to echo Trick and add a question of my own: Just where is Luna in all of this? Especially when the mystery voice calls Celestia “princess of the stars.” Tia generally only gets one star; her sister handles the rest.
In all, while I like where you’re going with the mythic tone, you were a bit too grandiose for your own good. Sort out the mythology you’re trying to convey and this will go a lot better.
You have touch of mint green unicorn syndrome.
I think you should make what's inside the journal clearer to the reader. I understood it, but I can see ponies being confused. I'm also not sure what "reality shattered" means precisely, and if you show that concept rather than tell it, that would also elucidate the facts to the reader.
I think you should make what's inside the journal clearer to the reader. I understood it, but I can see ponies being confused. I'm also not sure what "reality shattered" means precisely, and if you show that concept rather than tell it, that would also elucidate the facts to the reader.
Ouch.
Don’t worry. That’s a good ouch. This one combines a clever use of the prompt, a powerful message, and wonderful emotional impact. Definitely one of the top contenders.
Don’t worry. That’s a good ouch. This one combines a clever use of the prompt, a powerful message, and wonderful emotional impact. Definitely one of the top contenders.
With a pomf, Celestia appeared in ... Twilight's bedroom.
ಠ_ಠ
I'm not sure I agree that Twilight has learned her lesson. She still deals terribly with failure both during and after these events.
I'm confused by the ending. If the spell is broken, why is Twilight still trying to learn to cast it? Or is she trying to learn the correct version of the spell, this time?
Well. That happened. Sadly, this isn’t the best format for psychological thrills, but you definitely made the most of what you had available. I’d love to see this stretch out more—if nothing else, I’d like to know precisely what happened—but it was still a wonderful bit of surrealism.
Ponyville has no trees where pigeons can nest. Ponyville, which contains a sizeable apple orchard and the decidedly non-eldritch Whitetail Woods. Bit of an issue there.
Uh, most unicorns can’t teleport.
Why didn’t they go to Fluttershy in the first place? Especially since she's the only one unaffected by the invasion?
What are all the kestrels eating?
In all, this feels very poorly thought out. There’s certainly an idea here. Estee’s Goosed! proves that. But the execution leaves way too much to be desired.
Uh, most unicorns can’t teleport.
Why didn’t they go to Fluttershy in the first place? Especially since she's the only one unaffected by the invasion?
What are all the kestrels eating?
In all, this feels very poorly thought out. There’s certainly an idea here. Estee’s Goosed! proves that. But the execution leaves way too much to be desired.
we sure got a sticky situation. but no resolution?
the characters don't really get to do much besides.... stand there and be in-character. if that makes sense. there's not much of a conflict to push them forward, except maybe the part where the castle playset is at risk of being damaged. it feels more like a mild inconvenience for both of them, like catching the flu virus (let's pawn it off for Celestia to deal with~)
maybe it's supposed to be "chapter 1" but I don't feel like reading chapter 2 at all. it's not the writing, just that there's nothing for me to look forward to. what if, let's say..... this curse happened on the same day that Maud and/or Twilight had super important plans?! oh snap! now I want to see what happens!
the characters don't really get to do much besides.... stand there and be in-character. if that makes sense. there's not much of a conflict to push them forward, except maybe the part where the castle playset is at risk of being damaged. it feels more like a mild inconvenience for both of them, like catching the flu virus (let's pawn it off for Celestia to deal with~)
maybe it's supposed to be "chapter 1" but I don't feel like reading chapter 2 at all. it's not the writing, just that there's nothing for me to look forward to. what if, let's say..... this curse happened on the same day that Maud and/or Twilight had super important plans?! oh snap! now I want to see what happens!
A really cool idea. As someone who thinks, in general, there isn't nearly enough honesty in relationships, I can see a great benefit to Twilight's spell, yet human/pony nature being what it is, I can also appreciate how devastating it would be to many.
There are many ways we read emotions and lies of others. It is fair to ask "Is my word not enough now?" when someone looks in our eyes to see how truthful we're being? The Golden Matrix would be a major shift, but if it persisted, it would become the new "normal". At the very least, I disagree with the absoluteness of Celestia's statement that "it serves [i]nopony[i]".
Is "trust" really a good thing if it means we believe something that isn't true? I don't think so, but I know others would disagree. The ponies who would most have a problem with Twilight's spell aren't being hurt by the spell itself, but by the underlying reality it shows. Which means that either there is something wrong with the real state of affairs, or there is something wrong with them for no being able to accept it. Again, I bet there are people who'd disagree, but I've always had little empathy for those who effectively want to be lied to.
Pinkie should learn to deal. And it's not AJ's right to interfere, unasked. The truth is a disinfectant; it might hurt when applied, but it's better for you in the long run.
Ah, excuse my rambling.
The story itself is very well written, and the twist about 75% of the way in is pretty clever and hits hard, but doesn't disrupt the story. The characters are on point and the emotions ring through loud and clear. Really, really, good, even if I don't completely agree that Twi's actions would be an unmitigated disaster.
There are many ways we read emotions and lies of others. It is fair to ask "Is my word not enough now?" when someone looks in our eyes to see how truthful we're being? The Golden Matrix would be a major shift, but if it persisted, it would become the new "normal". At the very least, I disagree with the absoluteness of Celestia's statement that "it serves [i]nopony[i]".
Is "trust" really a good thing if it means we believe something that isn't true? I don't think so, but I know others would disagree. The ponies who would most have a problem with Twilight's spell aren't being hurt by the spell itself, but by the underlying reality it shows. Which means that either there is something wrong with the real state of affairs, or there is something wrong with them for no being able to accept it. Again, I bet there are people who'd disagree, but I've always had little empathy for those who effectively want to be lied to.
Pinkie should learn to deal. And it's not AJ's right to interfere, unasked. The truth is a disinfectant; it might hurt when applied, but it's better for you in the long run.
Ah, excuse my rambling.
The story itself is very well written, and the twist about 75% of the way in is pretty clever and hits hard, but doesn't disrupt the story. The characters are on point and the emotions ring through loud and clear. Really, really, good, even if I don't completely agree that Twi's actions would be an unmitigated disaster.
I quite liked the initial set-up for this one, insofar as I'm a huge fan of action films and their cliches. It felt a little rushed, but I can understand that given the time constraints.
That ending felt almost too much though, and at odds with the 'wearing it on its sleeve' opening/middle. Although I would have baulked at that deus ex machina moment concluding the story, the one the story opts to go with feels more muddy than purposefully ambiguous, and the two stylistic approaches just didn't gel for me.
Ah, that made me smile though.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
That ending felt almost too much though, and at odds with the 'wearing it on its sleeve' opening/middle. Although I would have baulked at that deus ex machina moment concluding the story, the one the story opts to go with feels more muddy than purposefully ambiguous, and the two stylistic approaches just didn't gel for me.
"Shoo be doo, shoop shoop a doo..."
Ah, that made me smile though.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
This was lovely. I agree with Trick's comment that forcing him into leaving for Donut Joe's so early was a bit much, though.
Huzzah, someone remembered that Owlowiscious exists!
However, aside from that this feels rushed and like a dozen stories I've read before. That isn't entirely bad - it's a cute premise which I like and would probably read if I came across on fimfic - but I found this one too similar, and somehow predictable, and thus forgettable.
I'd also prefer an actual resolution, because it feels like the resolution - if one was ever even thought of - was sacrificed for the sake of the final joke/punchline.
Not bad, but needs work.
However, aside from that this feels rushed and like a dozen stories I've read before. That isn't entirely bad - it's a cute premise which I like and would probably read if I came across on fimfic - but I found this one too similar, and somehow predictable, and thus forgettable.
I'd also prefer an actual resolution, because it feels like the resolution - if one was ever even thought of - was sacrificed for the sake of the final joke/punchline.
Not bad, but needs work.
Genre: Feghoot
Thoughts: This does a good job of building toward the eventual reveal of what's going on, and it made me smile when it got there. But it's like half the story is missing; we only see Celestia's thoughts about what's going on, not any action at all. As such, it ends up being extremely telly.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: This does a good job of building toward the eventual reveal of what's going on, and it made me smile when it got there. But it's like half the story is missing; we only see Celestia's thoughts about what's going on, not any action at all. As such, it ends up being extremely telly.
Tier: Needs work
Genre: First chapter of a clop?
Thoughts: The stallion is lecherous. The mare is, for some reason, into it. There's precious little story here, beyond the prelude to a letch, and recollections of letches past. Even so, the quality of the prose keeps it interesting and compelling throughout. I find myself wanting to see what happens next, even though I might not really want to see what's likely to happen. If an extended version was to subvert that expectation, I could see this being the beginning of something interesting. But either way, as currently presented, I have to ding this somewhat for feeling a bit incomplete as a story.
Tier: Upper-end of Almost there
Thoughts: The stallion is lecherous. The mare is, for some reason, into it. There's precious little story here, beyond the prelude to a letch, and recollections of letches past. Even so, the quality of the prose keeps it interesting and compelling throughout. I find myself wanting to see what happens next, even though I might not really want to see what's likely to happen. If an extended version was to subvert that expectation, I could see this being the beginning of something interesting. But either way, as currently presented, I have to ding this somewhat for feeling a bit incomplete as a story.
Tier: Upper-end of Almost there
Genre: Encyclopedia entry
Thoughts: This is a beautifully-written encyclopedia entry. I don't feel it quite works as a story, though; there are hints of past conflicts, and a soupçon of intrigue, but that never manages to translate into a sufficient mix of plot, action, or characters, to get into my upper tier.
That's not to say I wouldn't be interested in reading more, though. And some of this could be my own personal bias about what I find satisfying in a Writeoff story.
Tier: Almost there
Thoughts: This is a beautifully-written encyclopedia entry. I don't feel it quite works as a story, though; there are hints of past conflicts, and a soupçon of intrigue, but that never manages to translate into a sufficient mix of plot, action, or characters, to get into my upper tier.
That's not to say I wouldn't be interested in reading more, though. And some of this could be my own personal bias about what I find satisfying in a Writeoff story.
Tier: Almost there
Genre: Slice of life
Thoughts: Rarely do I see a minific of this caliber that I wished had ended sooner. But in this case, I think the ending scene does more to confuse the story than to enhance it. The good part is really, really good, though.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: Rarely do I see a minific of this caliber that I wished had ended sooner. But in this case, I think the ending scene does more to confuse the story than to enhance it. The good part is really, really good, though.
Tier: Needs work
Genre: Sad
Thoughts: Author, you manage to fit a lot of emotion into a very small package. This needs a decent editing pass, and some of the dialogue could be tuned-up to avert some current hamminess, but for the most part, I like the emotional heaviness I see here.
But then I'm self-aware enough to know that I'm an easy mark for this kind of story, so I should probably trust my instincts that those issues hold it back a bit...
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: Author, you manage to fit a lot of emotion into a very small package. This needs a decent editing pass, and some of the dialogue could be tuned-up to avert some current hamminess, but for the most part, I like the emotional heaviness I see here.
But then I'm self-aware enough to know that I'm an easy mark for this kind of story, so I should probably trust my instincts that those issues hold it back a bit...
Tier: Needs work
Genre: Easily prone to spoilers
Thoughts: I love the OTT moodiness of the framing story's prose. If I could bottle that stuff, I'd drink from it regularly. I love the name-drop of "octarine". I was deeply concerned when the flashback began, because there's just no room for that sort of thing in a minific! But it wound up working beautifully.
There are a handful of grammatical oddities that could use attention; things that don't detract from the overall feeling, but that read a little bit funky. The part with the pony in the flashback came very, very close to not working... I can't describe the situation without spoiling everything, and there is literally no other character who could plausibly work there. But in the end, I have to admit that it works, if only by milking that character for all they're worth. And in making that scene work, the rest of it falls into place.
Bravo, author.
Tier: Top contender
Thoughts: I love the OTT moodiness of the framing story's prose. If I could bottle that stuff, I'd drink from it regularly. I love the name-drop of "octarine". I was deeply concerned when the flashback began, because there's just no room for that sort of thing in a minific! But it wound up working beautifully.
There are a handful of grammatical oddities that could use attention; things that don't detract from the overall feeling, but that read a little bit funky. The part with the pony in the flashback came very, very close to not working... I can't describe the situation without spoiling everything, and there is literally no other character who could plausibly work there. But in the end, I have to admit that it works, if only by milking that character for all they're worth. And in making that scene work, the rest of it falls into place.
Bravo, author.
Tier: Top contender
Genre: Comedy
Thoughts: I like the central joke. I like the atmosphere of the library and of the pony hunting for the other pony.
The biggest thing that holds this back is that it switches between past and present tense. The next biggest thing is that the central character's strong internal voice doesn't remain as distinct during their narration. The action is a bit confusing at points, and I think Luna is under-utilized.
Still, the things that worked are pretty good.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: I like the central joke. I like the atmosphere of the library and of the pony hunting for the other pony.
The biggest thing that holds this back is that it switches between past and present tense. The next biggest thing is that the central character's strong internal voice doesn't remain as distinct during their narration. The action is a bit confusing at points, and I think Luna is under-utilized.
Still, the things that worked are pretty good.
Tier: Needs work
Genre: Comedy?
Thoughts: I think the concept has potential, but right now it's held back by inconsistent paragraph spacing, rough scene breaks, and other issues >>FanOfMostEverything mentioned.
A fair amount of that could be forgiven, though, if the ending joke was a hit. Right now it's a miss. But the setup for it is all there.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: I think the concept has potential, but right now it's held back by inconsistent paragraph spacing, rough scene breaks, and other issues >>FanOfMostEverything mentioned.
A fair amount of that could be forgiven, though, if the ending joke was a hit. Right now it's a miss. But the setup for it is all there.
Tier: Needs work
Oh, now this is a good scary story. I got real chills down my spine. Like, actual ones, right at the reveal. Very good concept.
Nitpicks: "Squeals lit up the night" doesn't work; squeals don't light. Fluttershy saying "I was a little less timid back then." feels like an explanation that is less believable than just letting the thing go without an explanation (in TVTropes terms, it's a Voodoo Shark). A few punctuation issues (commas vs. periods) but a quick editing pass would fix those just fine.
Nitpicks: "Squeals lit up the night" doesn't work; squeals don't light. Fluttershy saying "I was a little less timid back then." feels like an explanation that is less believable than just letting the thing go without an explanation (in TVTropes terms, it's a Voodoo Shark). A few punctuation issues (commas vs. periods) but a quick editing pass would fix those just fine.
Nice:
But again, it feels like all set-up with no knock-down. Even in a minific, I need some sort of resolution to the situation that the story presents, but here, it's all just presentation. It's OK to have some "what happens next?" at the end of a story, but I need at least a little bit of closure to make the story end rather than stop. I'd be happy to read more of this, but it's got no conclusion right now.
Mike
But again, it feels like all set-up with no knock-down. Even in a minific, I need some sort of resolution to the situation that the story presents, but here, it's all just presentation. It's OK to have some "what happens next?" at the end of a story, but I need at least a little bit of closure to make the story end rather than stop. I'd be happy to read more of this, but it's got no conclusion right now.
Mike
So, Inside Out meets Discord. Interesting. The intermixing of 'voices' is causing quite a problem, though.
Stories at the top of the gallery seen to be getting far more reviews than those at the bottom.
Very light:
Very funny, but I hafta wonder what Scootaloo's even doing in this story. Without her, we could have Dash lying in her secret place, thinking philosophical thoughts--until we find out why she's actually there. But with Scootaloo, I get the feeling that Dash is planning to use her in some way, maybe as a shield she can throw at Applejack if there's a confrontation and Dash needs to make a quick exit. And that doesn't mesh with my image of Rainbow Dash. If you can convince me that Dash would do this, then that's fine. But nothing that's here now convinces me.
Mike
Very funny, but I hafta wonder what Scootaloo's even doing in this story. Without her, we could have Dash lying in her secret place, thinking philosophical thoughts--until we find out why she's actually there. But with Scootaloo, I get the feeling that Dash is planning to use her in some way, maybe as a shield she can throw at Applejack if there's a confrontation and Dash needs to make a quick exit. And that doesn't mesh with my image of Rainbow Dash. If you can convince me that Dash would do this, then that's fine. But nothing that's here now convinces me.
Mike
>>Trick_Question
Actually, the dictionary definition of sepulcher is just 'a place of burial'. So, while it may be more commonly used as you're saying here, this is a valid use of the term.
Actually, the dictionary definition of sepulcher is just 'a place of burial'. So, while it may be more commonly used as you're saying here, this is a valid use of the term.
I quite enjoyed this one for the most part. The interactions between Twilight and Spike felt natural and alive, and the playing with the history of astronomy brought both a smile to my face and an impressed nod from my head. It's a well-written and engaging scene.
The punchline shifted the focus of the prompt onto the wrong character though, and I found it unsatisfying as a result. The opening hook was about Spike wanting to spend time with Twilight, and using an underhooved (clawed?) method to do so. Now, for example, had Twilight cantered full-steam into a wildly OTT explanation, complete with tests, that made Spike regret asking, then the set-up and punchline would have more flowed more evenly together.
Still, a fun read. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
The punchline shifted the focus of the prompt onto the wrong character though, and I found it unsatisfying as a result. The opening hook was about Spike wanting to spend time with Twilight, and using an underhooved (clawed?) method to do so. Now, for example, had Twilight cantered full-steam into a wildly OTT explanation, complete with tests, that made Spike regret asking, then the set-up and punchline would have more flowed more evenly together.
Still, a fun read. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
An interesting take on the prompt here, and there's some lovely reflections on offer within the narrative. The brief glance at the effects of systems which put a symbolic idea/gesture ahead of personal merit particularly interested and resonated with me, and the whole narrative is paced wonderfully.
Basically, not too shabby at all. In fact, a definite highlight.
Basically, not too shabby at all. In fact, a definite highlight.
Oh yes, I like this. Some excellent juxtaposition going on here, always balanced enough to keep the narrative from feeling trite and irrelevant as a result of the more outlandish props. Also, the sense of identity and character that's been crammed into this world with so few words is magnificent.
I do think the prompt might have been better served by the narrative focusing a little more on Summer Sweets; what with the somewhat lengthy set-up, we barely get to spend enough time with her to appreciate the gravity of her situation. I couldn't help but feel that was important with a story like this.
Top stuff. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
I do think the prompt might have been better served by the narrative focusing a little more on Summer Sweets; what with the somewhat lengthy set-up, we barely get to spend enough time with her to appreciate the gravity of her situation. I couldn't help but feel that was important with a story like this.
Top stuff. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
Great work. This made me smile a lot! The interplay between Rarity and Sweetie Belle is perfectly judged, and evokes the comedic drama of the scene well.
In fact, I think I would have preferred it to be the only scene, with a little more time spent developing it prior to that first punchline. The second scene didn't feel strong enough in delivering its part of the narrative, and the close proximity between the respective punchlines weakened both, in my opinion.
Really enjoyed this one, though. Thanks for sharing with the community.
In fact, I think I would have preferred it to be the only scene, with a little more time spent developing it prior to that first punchline. The second scene didn't feel strong enough in delivering its part of the narrative, and the close proximity between the respective punchlines weakened both, in my opinion.
Really enjoyed this one, though. Thanks for sharing with the community.
This is the best thing.
I think the P.T. game cartridge joke was more distracting than funny (especially since there actually is a game called P.T.). I wish Carmen had gotten a bit more characterization—it's been years since I last played the video game, but I feel like I remember her having a stronger personality than is displayed here.
I think the P.T. game cartridge joke was more distracting than funny (especially since there actually is a game called P.T.). I wish Carmen had gotten a bit more characterization—it's been years since I last played the video game, but I feel like I remember her having a stronger personality than is displayed here.
“Because she said she loved me.”
Well, that and the OOC behaviour.
An interesting premise, but I did feel that the execution let it down somewhat. The second scene was very much telling me it was dramatic and emotional, without giving me much of an opportunity to really feel it, and the last line felt way too melodramatic within the confines of such a small fic. That's not to say this wouldn't work if it was afforded more time and space to grow; I think there's the promise of a good story here.
Still, it succeeded in subverted my expectations after that first scene, so nice work there. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
Well, that and the OOC behaviour.
An interesting premise, but I did feel that the execution let it down somewhat. The second scene was very much telling me it was dramatic and emotional, without giving me much of an opportunity to really feel it, and the last line felt way too melodramatic within the confines of such a small fic. That's not to say this wouldn't work if it was afforded more time and space to grow; I think there's the promise of a good story here.
Still, it succeeded in subverted my expectations after that first scene, so nice work there. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Well, actually ... ;)
But Writeoffsplaining aside, I largely agree with FOME's assessment, and 4th District Court is an interesting compare/contrast. As he notes, song lyrics in a visual medium don't have the hook of the music to anchor the words, which means that all the audience can do is really read them as poetry; and if you're going to enter them in a visual-medium contest, you have to account for that.
Part of what made 4th District Court work (though a small part, alongside the core humor and the dialogue/interplay and the images it evoked) was that I wrote it as poetry, basically. Take a look at the respective choruses:
versus
The former is strongly, if not perfectly, evocative of a specific cadence (with heavily iambic patter and a close brush with common meter). It's got both ending rhymes (cure / were impure) and internal rhymes (know / mo-tives; Elixir / fixer). But with the current song, "Over their heads" and "They're on my mind" are both four-syllable lines with three stresses, confounding reader attempts to fall into a rhythm (which the longer lines also don't help), and aside from the slant rhyme of I'm/mind (and arguably pony/tree, which is REALLY a stretch) there's no textual interplay here. The words, in short, are not the part of the song which grabs the listener, and that means that you're losing all that grabbiness in the transition to visual media.
So how do you fix that with editing? You ... kind of don't. :\ Unless you're willing to make your song more show-tune than pop-rock -- taking some lyrical cues from Gilbert and Sullivan et.al. and writing lyrics that stand as poetry -- this sort of entry is basically Writeoff on impossible mode, because of the media mismatch. I wonder, maybe, if you were writing this to be sung along with an existing song, how readers would take a story which included an editor's note at the top saying "To the tune of" and providing a Youtube link? I suspect readers would still look askance at it because it's leaning on the crutch of the music for its impact, but at least that way it would stand in its proper context. If the music here is original, more power to you, but it really needs that extra dimension.
Anyway, how's the rest of the story? I like the way it grounds the lyrics with the Rainbow Rocks crowd (though the transition to the generic "the band" feels abrupt; I picked it up, but you may want more context there for a softer landing). This definitely hints at an intriguing concept, of that cross-world bleedthrough, which I wish it had explored more. As it is, that second section feels like it does a nice job of providing (necessary) context for the lyrics, but little more.
I'm always in favor of genre and form experimentation, and experimental pieces in Writeoffs more generally. But the nature of experiments is that a lot of times they're going to fail -- they'd hardly be "experiments" if they didn't. This one feels like a miss, but I commend you on pushing the envelope.
Tier: Needs Work
A purely textual representation of an auditory medium never goes well.
Well, actually ... ;)
But Writeoffsplaining aside, I largely agree with FOME's assessment, and 4th District Court is an interesting compare/contrast. As he notes, song lyrics in a visual medium don't have the hook of the music to anchor the words, which means that all the audience can do is really read them as poetry; and if you're going to enter them in a visual-medium contest, you have to account for that.
Part of what made 4th District Court work (though a small part, alongside the core humor and the dialogue/interplay and the images it evoked) was that I wrote it as poetry, basically. Take a look at the respective choruses:
Don't let them say we didn't have a cure!
The world has to know that while our motives were impure,
The Everfree Elixir was a surefire pony fixer!
Don't let them say we didn't have a cure!
versus
And no pony knows that I'm
Over their heads
Over their heads
With eight apples left on this fruit tree
They’re on my mind
They’re on my mind
The former is strongly, if not perfectly, evocative of a specific cadence (with heavily iambic patter and a close brush with common meter). It's got both ending rhymes (cure / were impure) and internal rhymes (know / mo-tives; Elixir / fixer). But with the current song, "Over their heads" and "They're on my mind" are both four-syllable lines with three stresses, confounding reader attempts to fall into a rhythm (which the longer lines also don't help), and aside from the slant rhyme of I'm/mind (and arguably pony/tree, which is REALLY a stretch) there's no textual interplay here. The words, in short, are not the part of the song which grabs the listener, and that means that you're losing all that grabbiness in the transition to visual media.
So how do you fix that with editing? You ... kind of don't. :\ Unless you're willing to make your song more show-tune than pop-rock -- taking some lyrical cues from Gilbert and Sullivan et.al. and writing lyrics that stand as poetry -- this sort of entry is basically Writeoff on impossible mode, because of the media mismatch. I wonder, maybe, if you were writing this to be sung along with an existing song, how readers would take a story which included an editor's note at the top saying "To the tune of" and providing a Youtube link? I suspect readers would still look askance at it because it's leaning on the crutch of the music for its impact, but at least that way it would stand in its proper context. If the music here is original, more power to you, but it really needs that extra dimension.
Anyway, how's the rest of the story? I like the way it grounds the lyrics with the Rainbow Rocks crowd (though the transition to the generic "the band" feels abrupt; I picked it up, but you may want more context there for a softer landing). This definitely hints at an intriguing concept, of that cross-world bleedthrough, which I wish it had explored more. As it is, that second section feels like it does a nice job of providing (necessary) context for the lyrics, but little more.
I'm always in favor of genre and form experimentation, and experimental pieces in Writeoffs more generally. But the nature of experiments is that a lot of times they're going to fail -- they'd hardly be "experiments" if they didn't. This one feels like a miss, but I commend you on pushing the envelope.
Tier: Needs Work
Spreading the review love around to the stories with no feedback yet.
We just lost it.
I like the lead paragraph here; strong mental image and good tone setting. Nitpick on an early textual stumble: "Deadpanned" almost certainly is the wrong word here. To deadpan is to deliver a joke with a straight face, and Twilight very much appears to be delivering a straight line. Speaking of details, who is Jumpy/Jumper? (You use both names.) I know that Dinky being Derpy's filly is fanon rather than canon, but in a story this short where you want to quickly introduce "the name of Derpy's daughter" as a minor plot point, you definitely want to roll with that fanon rather than spending time/words on establishing a new OC.
More substantially here ... I'm not sure why you don't establish the poker game until over halfway through; there doesn't seem to be any benefit of withholding that information, and it robs the early confrontation of context. Worse yet, the story establishes a new conflict that has nothing to do with the poker game (the diary, and the gratuitous Rarilight shipping) before it grounds the first one, so it's firing at a moving target. This kept most of the silliness from landing for me; it needs to slow down and set the scene before it goes crazy with the jokes. It does improve near the end -- the card reveal was worth a smile, and I do appreciate the core joke of Derpy being a card shark -- but overall it feels like a miss.
Tier: Needs Work
The Game
We just lost it.
I like the lead paragraph here; strong mental image and good tone setting. Nitpick on an early textual stumble: "Deadpanned" almost certainly is the wrong word here. To deadpan is to deliver a joke with a straight face, and Twilight very much appears to be delivering a straight line. Speaking of details, who is Jumpy/Jumper? (You use both names.) I know that Dinky being Derpy's filly is fanon rather than canon, but in a story this short where you want to quickly introduce "the name of Derpy's daughter" as a minor plot point, you definitely want to roll with that fanon rather than spending time/words on establishing a new OC.
More substantially here ... I'm not sure why you don't establish the poker game until over halfway through; there doesn't seem to be any benefit of withholding that information, and it robs the early confrontation of context. Worse yet, the story establishes a new conflict that has nothing to do with the poker game (the diary, and the gratuitous Rarilight shipping) before it grounds the first one, so it's firing at a moving target. This kept most of the silliness from landing for me; it needs to slow down and set the scene before it goes crazy with the jokes. It does improve near the end -- the card reveal was worth a smile, and I do appreciate the core joke of Derpy being a card shark -- but overall it feels like a miss.
Tier: Needs Work
Well, let me be upfront about this: I understood diddly-squat. Except for some pony names randomly thrown in here and there, I don't see the point. The name “Discord” made me bristle at the end. I don't like Discord, so each time I see him mentioned in a fic, I take it as a good excuse for a poor quality plot.
Well, don't get me wrong: I love random fics, especially random comedies. But I was unable to make head or tails of this one. It’s not badly written. It's just… nonsensical.
Sorry, my mind is flawed.
Well, don't get me wrong: I love random fics, especially random comedies. But I was unable to make head or tails of this one. It’s not badly written. It's just… nonsensical.
Sorry, my mind is flawed.
Well, I am a sucker for Carmen Sandiego references. Because, seriously, I loved that game when I was a kid, and I remember having all the various things set up around my computer so I could reference them – nowadays, though, with the Internet, it would be pretty different. Though, heck, they could go The Secret World route and actually build in an in-game web browser, because, seriously, who doesn’t have the Internet now?
Er, right, the story…
Well, this was pretty compact, and kind of amusing. I think this might sail over the audience of, oh, half the writeoff participants, who were probably born after those games were made. That said, while it was vaguely amusing, it was pretty much a whole story reference, and I think there might have actually been a “Carmen steals the Sun” thing once.
Er, right, the story…
Well, this was pretty compact, and kind of amusing. I think this might sail over the audience of, oh, half the writeoff participants, who were probably born after those games were made. That said, while it was vaguely amusing, it was pretty much a whole story reference, and I think there might have actually been a “Carmen steals the Sun” thing once.
The dialogue feels quite snappy and natural, and that’s definitely a big thumb-up.
The story is… well… okay I think? I have always wondered why AJ had pigs in her farm? I mean, humans rear pigs to eat them: you know, bacon, ribs, etc.
But ponies?
And besides, yeah, there's a bit of a cliché here. Pigs' pen are stinky only because those poor animals are left dabbling in their muck. I don't envision AJ letting them wallow in manure. I rather see her cleansing up the pen every day. But we're venturing here into headcanon.
In all, it sounds like some sort of story a yuppie could tell about farms. I’ve lived a small part of my life in a farm, and I've never recoiled from shovelling dung out. :P
The story is… well… okay I think? I have always wondered why AJ had pigs in her farm? I mean, humans rear pigs to eat them: you know, bacon, ribs, etc.
But ponies?
And besides, yeah, there's a bit of a cliché here. Pigs' pen are stinky only because those poor animals are left dabbling in their muck. I don't envision AJ letting them wallow in manure. I rather see her cleansing up the pen every day. But we're venturing here into headcanon.
In all, it sounds like some sort of story a yuppie could tell about farms. I’ve lived a small part of my life in a farm, and I've never recoiled from shovelling dung out. :P
>>TitaniumDragon
Incidentally, the "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song is one of the most marvellously terrible pun songs of all time.
Incidentally, the "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song is one of the most marvellously terrible pun songs of all time.
Steal their Seoul in South Korea, make Antarctica cry Uncle,
From the Red Sea to Greenland they'll be singing the blues,
Well they never Arkansas her steal the Mekong from the delta,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Espresso is spelled with an s, not an x.
Yes, I know it isn't phonetic.
Anyway...
"Character drinks coffee and gets extremely hyper/jittery" is a tried and true trope, but it is also a bit tired at this point, and this doesn't really do anything new with the idea.
Yes, I know it isn't phonetic.
Anyway...
"Character drinks coffee and gets extremely hyper/jittery" is a tried and true trope, but it is also a bit tired at this point, and this doesn't really do anything new with the idea.
A bit of a melancholy story, this is about three characters and their linking flying and wings to freedom.
My biggest problem with this story is that Twilight’s bit in the middle doesn’t feel connected to the other two; while it, too, deals with freedom, it doesn’t feel like it has the same sort of emotional tenor behind it as the other two did. Celestia and Spike’s bits are both about nostalgia, while Twilight’s is about the present. It doesn’t work thematically.
My advice would be to rework it somehow so that all three parts are linked thematically to nostalgia.
My biggest problem with this story is that Twilight’s bit in the middle doesn’t feel connected to the other two; while it, too, deals with freedom, it doesn’t feel like it has the same sort of emotional tenor behind it as the other two did. Celestia and Spike’s bits are both about nostalgia, while Twilight’s is about the present. It doesn’t work thematically.
My advice would be to rework it somehow so that all three parts are linked thematically to nostalgia.
This story really shows the danger with going too far with accents – it took me until the mare’s name to realize it was Octavia because the accent was written far too thickly, and it also somewhat compromised the readability of the text.
There were some interesting bits here – Blueblood’s thoughts about past conquests were okay – but frankly, I’m not sure why you used Blueblood because the Blueblood in the show had class. He was a total jerk, of course, but he didn’t quite fit with his characterization here. Yes, I realize that there are marvelous stories with Blueblood as a lecherous asshole (see also: [url= https://www.fimfiction.net/story/207121/the-18th-brewmare-of-bluey-napoleon]The 18th Brewmare of Bluey Napoleon[/url]) but he didn’t come off with quite the right sort of pretentious lecherous assholery that I would expect from Blueblood.
I dunno. This didn’t really do it for me. The characters might as well have been OCs for all the use they made of the characters as we have seen them on the show, so I’m not sure what the point was here, as it didn't seem to go anywhere in the end.
There were some interesting bits here – Blueblood’s thoughts about past conquests were okay – but frankly, I’m not sure why you used Blueblood because the Blueblood in the show had class. He was a total jerk, of course, but he didn’t quite fit with his characterization here. Yes, I realize that there are marvelous stories with Blueblood as a lecherous asshole (see also: [url= https://www.fimfiction.net/story/207121/the-18th-brewmare-of-bluey-napoleon]The 18th Brewmare of Bluey Napoleon[/url]) but he didn’t come off with quite the right sort of pretentious lecherous assholery that I would expect from Blueblood.
I dunno. This didn’t really do it for me. The characters might as well have been OCs for all the use they made of the characters as we have seen them on the show, so I’m not sure what the point was here, as it didn't seem to go anywhere in the end.
Oh, I’m the first here.
Well, this undoubtedly has the fragrance and the sweet taste of a beginner’s work. It’s a nice candy, but – though I’m not in a position to lecture you, being myself one of the most spastic authors of this group – I will be surprised if it goes very far. You should improve the plot (a bit flimsy and maybe somewhat tired), the execution and the English itself.
I hope this won’t discourage you. On the contrary, I prod you to carry on, even if it's sometimes hard to suck it up, believe me. I’m looking forward to reading your next fiction! :)
Well, this undoubtedly has the fragrance and the sweet taste of a beginner’s work. It’s a nice candy, but – though I’m not in a position to lecture you, being myself one of the most spastic authors of this group – I will be surprised if it goes very far. You should improve the plot (a bit flimsy and maybe somewhat tired), the execution and the English itself.
I hope this won’t discourage you. On the contrary, I prod you to carry on, even if it's sometimes hard to suck it up, believe me. I’m looking forward to reading your next fiction! :)
This story tasted somewhat of Calvin and Hobbes, something that always commands my attention. I think it could use some refinement, however. It was sweet fun, if a little over-familiar, but I think that the ending needed greater definition and focus for the punchline to really stand out. I can definitely relate to it, but it did still feel as though it came out of nowhere, and perhaps more could have been made of Pinkie's imposed role to support it. There's also some unwieldy turns of phrase/use of words dotted throughout.
Bit of a misfire in its current state, but a story that could probably shine with more time and polish. Thanks for sharing your work!
Bit of a misfire in its current state, but a story that could probably shine with more time and polish. Thanks for sharing your work!
While the old idea of the “character gets tasked with an impossible challenge to see how they react” is actually a good story idea – everyone deals with failure in different ways, even Captain Kirk – the problem here is that the story doesn’t really seem to do a whole lot with it. These sorts of things need to be contextualized a lot more powerfully than this was.
The Kobayashi Maru showed off Kirk's character - both his willingness to cheat and his lack of belief in the no-win scenario. Spock's own solution - to sacrifice himself to win - also said a lot about him.
This didn't really say much about Twilight.
You need context for this to feel significant. Twilight simply later on figuring out the growing spell is just kind of bland. It needs to say something about her, and this doesn't.
The Kobayashi Maru showed off Kirk's character - both his willingness to cheat and his lack of belief in the no-win scenario. Spock's own solution - to sacrifice himself to win - also said a lot about him.
This didn't really say much about Twilight.
You need context for this to feel significant. Twilight simply later on figuring out the growing spell is just kind of bland. It needs to say something about her, and this doesn't.
>>Trick_Question
I think the point was that she did eventually learn how to do the "impossible" spell, because #25 is the moustache growing spell.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I agree that Celestia's glassy-eyed behavior was kind of strange here. Not sure what the point of it was.
I think the point was that she did eventually learn how to do the "impossible" spell, because #25 is the moustache growing spell.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I agree that Celestia's glassy-eyed behavior was kind of strange here. Not sure what the point of it was.
Spike has a dream about Rarity wanting to bone him.
There are some indications this is not an ordinary dream, but a dream he is trapped in, possibly by some sort of succubus-type creature, and that Luna is trying to rescue him from it, though it might simply be that he doesn’t want to have dream-sex with Rarity and Luna helps rescue him from something he knows is hurtful (as apparently, this isn’t the first time he’s had a dream like this about Rarity).
Unfortunately, as >>FanOfMostEverything , this is one of those stories where “Well, that happened,” and we’re left without a greater context to why the situation was important. Absent that context, there isn't much here.
There are some indications this is not an ordinary dream, but a dream he is trapped in, possibly by some sort of succubus-type creature, and that Luna is trying to rescue him from it, though it might simply be that he doesn’t want to have dream-sex with Rarity and Luna helps rescue him from something he knows is hurtful (as apparently, this isn’t the first time he’s had a dream like this about Rarity).
Unfortunately, as >>FanOfMostEverything , this is one of those stories where “Well, that happened,” and we’re left without a greater context to why the situation was important. Absent that context, there isn't much here.
I saw a comic with a somewhat similar punchline recently.
That said, the real issue with this story is that I’m kind of confused about what exactly is going on. At the end, she seems to imply they’re not in her private archive at the moment, but it sounded like that was where she was. Luna’s appearance and disappearance didn’t feel very well anchored. And the confusion stopped me from building up to the punchline, as I was busily trying to figure out what exactly was going on in the scene.
That said, the real issue with this story is that I’m kind of confused about what exactly is going on. At the end, she seems to imply they’re not in her private archive at the moment, but it sounded like that was where she was. Luna’s appearance and disappearance didn’t feel very well anchored. And the confusion stopped me from building up to the punchline, as I was busily trying to figure out what exactly was going on in the scene.
This was too obvious from the get-go, robbing the reveal of any of its impact. Frankly, the title gave it away. Consequently, it was just going through the usual motions of every story like this.
I saw this joke coming too soon. The like where Hak’Tak first spoke gave away what was going on, ruining the punchline. Though, frankly, I’ve seen this gag too many times for it to have any real impact anymore without some new twist on it. Villains just meeting up like this is kind of old hat.
Pinkie Pie going on a “For me, it was Tuesday” rant was mildly amusing, but… that was about it.
The best thing about this was the descriptions, which were good and created a nice bit of contrast. But the fact that the story was a comedy ended up being revealed too soon, and the punchlines consequently didn’t end up landing.
Pinkie Pie going on a “For me, it was Tuesday” rant was mildly amusing, but… that was about it.
The best thing about this was the descriptions, which were good and created a nice bit of contrast. But the fact that the story was a comedy ended up being revealed too soon, and the punchlines consequently didn’t end up landing.
This has some coherency problems. Let’s take the first paragraph:
1. the three members of her family Do you count Winona as a part of the Apple’s family?
2.giving a good kick to collect the apples. Not sure that conveys what you intend adequately.
3.wandering around the chicken coop, when she was supposed to be making sure it was without defect. Doesn't make much sense either. What do you mean?
4. just as she had every night since her passing. Is the story set at night?
She had to see how Big Mac was doing. Isn't she already seeing him from her vantage point?
Etc.
The English is clunky at times (‘continue’ used a zillion times for example, as well as awkward constructions).
Overall, well, not really sold on this one. It’s not bad, but I don’t grasp:
1. What is Twilight doing here? Looks like she indulges in voyeurism, and she does not play any other role at all.
2. Why are the other members of the farm so overreacting? That doesn't sound much like any of them.
I think you’ll have to work out these issues for the fic to be more effective.
From on top of the hill, Applejack could see the three members of her family. Big Macintosh was working the western field, trudging from tree to tree, giving a good kick to collect the apples. At the barn, Apple Bloom was tending to the livestock, currently wandering around the chicken coop, when she was supposed to be making sure it was without defect. Behind her, near the edge of Sweet Apple Acres, Winona loomed over Granny Smith’s grave, just as she had every night since her passing.
1. the three members of her family Do you count Winona as a part of the Apple’s family?
2.giving a good kick to collect the apples. Not sure that conveys what you intend adequately.
3.wandering around the chicken coop, when she was supposed to be making sure it was without defect. Doesn't make much sense either. What do you mean?
4. just as she had every night since her passing. Is the story set at night?
She had to see how Big Mac was doing. Isn't she already seeing him from her vantage point?
Etc.
The English is clunky at times (‘continue’ used a zillion times for example, as well as awkward constructions).
Overall, well, not really sold on this one. It’s not bad, but I don’t grasp:
1. What is Twilight doing here? Looks like she indulges in voyeurism, and she does not play any other role at all.
2. Why are the other members of the farm so overreacting? That doesn't sound much like any of them.
I think you’ll have to work out these issues for the fic to be more effective.
This was funny. A bit gross, and certainly not a very fresh trope, but funny.
I like the contrast between Rarity trying to wriggle out and AJ squarely owning up to the truth. The two play well off of the other, and the CMC who happen to be much less naive than their sisters thought.
I would say it’s not memorable, but it’s sure decently executed with a nice tinge of humour (especially for us French who like lewd jokes). I’m sure Trick will love it. Near the top of my slate.
I like the contrast between Rarity trying to wriggle out and AJ squarely owning up to the truth. The two play well off of the other, and the CMC who happen to be much less naive than their sisters thought.
I would say it’s not memorable, but it’s sure decently executed with a nice tinge of humour (especially for us French who like lewd jokes). I’m sure Trick will love it. Near the top of my slate.
That colon and line break immediately before the first bit of dialogue bother me more than they probably should.
Crossbows seem a little extreme for Capture the Flag.
So, the humans never gave the ponies paintball guns? That doesn’t seem remotely fair. I suppose it’s an attempt to even the odds by compensating for magic, but the rate-of-fire advantage seems insurmountable. Also, it’s not really clear how the humans did what they did, especially given how much the story emphasized how the thicket was impassable for them. The narrator could be unreliable, but it's the only one we have.
In all, this does a good job of conveying the confusion and desperation of the climax, but it’s the narrative equivalent of excessive shaky-cam; you captured the mood, but I can barely make out what happened. More space will help, allowing you to both build the tension further and give a more satisfactory resolution.
Crossbows seem a little extreme for Capture the Flag.
So, the humans never gave the ponies paintball guns? That doesn’t seem remotely fair. I suppose it’s an attempt to even the odds by compensating for magic, but the rate-of-fire advantage seems insurmountable. Also, it’s not really clear how the humans did what they did, especially given how much the story emphasized how the thicket was impassable for them. The narrator could be unreliable, but it's the only one we have.
In all, this does a good job of conveying the confusion and desperation of the climax, but it’s the narrative equivalent of excessive shaky-cam; you captured the mood, but I can barely make out what happened. More space will help, allowing you to both build the tension further and give a more satisfactory resolution.
A very Twilight story. Who else would annotate the holy text describing her own exploits? This is a very strong character piece with great emotion and some nice, subtle “for want of a nail” details. I’d love to see this timeline explored further, especially since Starlight’s commune is still going strong, and the Bearers were likely sent there for a reason. Still, even as is, this was quite well done.
>>Cold in Gardez
That's in part because I started with 1 and am progressing sequentially. :V
I can only do that b/c I know I'll get through all of them this time.
That's in part because I started with 1 and am progressing sequentially. :V
I can only do that b/c I know I'll get through all of them this time.
Given what’s going on in the beginning, I suppose a little lavender unicorn syndrome helps the slow build to realization, but this was definitely excessive. Given all of the indicators as to who was wearing Dash’s skin, you could've started using names by the second or third paragraph.
Meanwhile, the second scene falls into an uncomfortable space between tense and amusing. It’s a bit too cruel to be funny and I can think of too many ways to resolve it peacefully to worry about the outcome. This needs some refinement, but the base idea is pretty solid.
Meanwhile, the second scene falls into an uncomfortable space between tense and amusing. It’s a bit too cruel to be funny and I can think of too many ways to resolve it peacefully to worry about the outcome. This needs some refinement, but the base idea is pretty solid.
I admit, I do find the different tribes’ behavior in bed to be a fascinating bit of world building. The narrative voice feels a bit too colloquial for Blueblood, but I suppose we are behind the mask. Who’s to say how he sounds in his own head?
Meanwhile, while Octchavia was a delightful surprise, her accent was at times almost too thick for comprehensibility. I suppose some of that is the drink, but still, dialing it back a bit would be a good idea. Also, I’d love to get more information about that “not a princess anymore” comment.
In all, not the best I’ve read thus far, but still highly enjoyable.
Meanwhile, while Octchavia was a delightful surprise, her accent was at times almost too thick for comprehensibility. I suppose some of that is the drink, but still, dialing it back a bit would be a good idea. Also, I’d love to get more information about that “not a princess anymore” comment.
In all, not the best I’ve read thus far, but still highly enjoyable.
The premise and setting of this is pretty adorable, although the execution would definitely benefit from some polish. The narrative style, particularly the exchanges between Derpy and Roseheart, are quite tell-y, and as a result I felt like I was being kept at a distance, never fully experiencing the situation alongside the characters. I quite liked Derpy here, though.
I wonder how she did get her cutie mark.
Thanks for sharing your work!
I wonder how she did get her cutie mark.
Thanks for sharing your work!
Oh my. This makes a disturbing kind of sense… to a point. I’m guessing this was written before “Flutter Brutter” aired. Well, that or it was some other doppelganger rather than a changeling. Still, succinctly creepy. Nice work.
This is perfectly written, but it feels a bit ambitious for a minific: it's not a completely self-contained story, and it seems like there should be more of a payoff for the reader at the end. Those are minor quibbles, though.
Tell me that stallion you had your eye on, what was her name again?I have several questions.
That is a pretty darn fantastic ponification of Galileo.
As for the ending… Well, this is clearly a random comedy, one I shouldn’t take too seriously; Luna’s shirt is all the indication I need for that. Still, I’m hard-pressed to buy the peasant revolt. Just what has Celestia done to so incite their ire? So, yeah, the punchline fell rather flat, which is never a good thing in a joke fic. Improve the story’s cohesion and it will be fantastic.
I really hope I like this story, because that is a fantastic title.
A good message and a reasonable explanation for Starlight’s absence in most of this season thus far. The cause of and reasoning behind Starlight’s panic make a lot of sense coming from her, while Celestia’s retort is very well done indeed. In all, a very nice character piece for both characters.
A good message and a reasonable explanation for Starlight’s absence in most of this season thus far. The cause of and reasoning behind Starlight’s panic make a lot of sense coming from her, while Celestia’s retort is very well done indeed. In all, a very nice character piece for both characters.
I thought this was very well written, and there were some nice turns of phrase and descriptions throughout.
That. I liked that very much. I also liked the closing line, and I do think it works as a point to end the story on, but it did feel as though something else needed to have happened before then. I'm not sure precisely what that 'something else' is, but I have that niggle under the skin that comes from something great feeling incomplete.
Also, 'Royal intensity' is a wonderful qualifier. I'm going to go finish my spreadsheets now with Royal intensity.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
It made the little shop a tiny island of light in the pitch black night filling the town
That. I liked that very much. I also liked the closing line, and I do think it works as a point to end the story on, but it did feel as though something else needed to have happened before then. I'm not sure precisely what that 'something else' is, but I have that niggle under the skin that comes from something great feeling incomplete.
Also, 'Royal intensity' is a wonderful qualifier. I'm going to go finish my spreadsheets now with Royal intensity.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
Missed this one. Had a couple of ideas too the second the prompt was read. Hm. Should I continue with reviews?
I was confused about the geometry of the shrine. Was Lyra floating in midair because there is no floor?
I'm not sure what the message or intent of this piece is. We don't get much of a payoff, and it isn't explained why Lyra is released, why she decides to abandon her friends, or why she cast the spell she did (or how it works). There are too many questions left unanswered for me to feel like I received a resolution.
It would also help if there were any connection between the friends and the respective Elements, or if we had an idea of why they were in the castle (searching for the Elements?).
I'm not sure what the message or intent of this piece is. We don't get much of a payoff, and it isn't explained why Lyra is released, why she decides to abandon her friends, or why she cast the spell she did (or how it works). There are too many questions left unanswered for me to feel like I received a resolution.
It would also help if there were any connection between the friends and the respective Elements, or if we had an idea of why they were in the castle (searching for the Elements?).
Fabulous. This story has a wistful, ethereal quality that really got under my skin. I'm not sure if the ending is ambiguous either, or if it's meant to be; there's certainly enough in the earlier narrative to prevent it being so, in my opinion. It's wonderful, though, and wrings every last drop of mythology and world-building out of its short word limit.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Thanks for sharing your work.
I really liked the setup, it's charming how Spike baits Twilight like that. that specific way they interact, it can only be told with Twilight & Spike! but I was hoping for a more character-driven story after that. Twilight just.... explains stuff. and it's over.
if you replace the lecture on Equestrian Astronomy with any other subject in the world, the story would be exactly the same. that's why it feels boring.
if you replace the lecture on Equestrian Astronomy with any other subject in the world, the story would be exactly the same. that's why it feels boring.
I don’t see this ending well…
Yeah, that went pretty much as I expected it to. Fun, but unfocused, and thus par for the course in the “pony does a thing” genre.
Yeah, that went pretty much as I expected it to. Fun, but unfocused, and thus par for the course in the “pony does a thing” genre.
First of all, obligatory anti-mindvirus.
Okay, this isn’t fair. I’m contractually obligated to like any story where Best Pony is good at card games. However, this one doesn’t make it easy. There are a lot of extraneous details that distract from the central story: Rarilight, an unfamiliar Derpchild, the reference to real world candy, and so forth. This needs greater focus, more space to explore the other concepts, or both.
Sorry, but not even Derpy playing poker is enough for me to overlook the faults here. The good news is that they’re pretty easily fixed.
Okay, this isn’t fair. I’m contractually obligated to like any story where Best Pony is good at card games. However, this one doesn’t make it easy. There are a lot of extraneous details that distract from the central story: Rarilight, an unfamiliar Derpchild, the reference to real world candy, and so forth. This needs greater focus, more space to explore the other concepts, or both.
Sorry, but not even Derpy playing poker is enough for me to overlook the faults here. The good news is that they’re pretty easily fixed.
I quite like the blend of original, G1, and G4 villains, and I’m a sucker for over-the-top language emphasizing the fell and eldritch. Still, Pinkie channeling M. Bison felt like the wrong flavor of silly. I think a condescending or obliviously cheerful Pinkie would work better than a cranky one, even she has missed the most important meal of the day.
Still, that’s at least partially personal preference. Taken as a whole, this was a lot of overdramatic fun.
Still, that’s at least partially personal preference. Taken as a whole, this was a lot of overdramatic fun.
Huh. I wonder which stone makes Maud evolve.
In any case, this isn’t a story but a scene. It’s an interesting scene, yes, but it doesn’t even approach a resolution. Still, it will be interesting to see where you go from here.
In any case, this isn’t a story but a scene. It’s an interesting scene, yes, but it doesn’t even approach a resolution. Still, it will be interesting to see where you go from here.