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Soggy Muffins
"Are you sure you want to do this, Derpy? This doesn't seem like the best way to learn how to swim..." Roseheart, a light pink unicorn filly, watched Derpy cheerfully stretch her gray legs by the side of the lake.
"Well, my cutie mark is a bunch of bubbles, so maybe that means I'm destined to be a great swimmer!" Derpy shook her untidy blonde mane out of her eyes and grinned at her friend.
"Maybe," said Roseheart, still apprehensive about Derpy's plan.
Oblivious to Roseheart's skepticism, Derpy turned toward the water and tested the temperature with a hoof. Shivering slightly, she stepped further into the lake. "Alright, wish me luck!"
Roseheart was tempted to look away, but felt she should probably keep watching to make sure Derpy was safe. If it wasn't for Roseheart, Derpy would've had even more injuries in her young life than she'd already experienced. It pays to have a level-headed friend around when you're as adventurous and clumsy as Derpy.
Derpy continued walking until the water was nearly up to her chin. The water wasn't terribly deep by the standards of a normal pony, but it was deep enough for a filly to start feeling nervous. Well, most fillies. Derpy, on the other hoof, never seemed to be scared of anything.
Excitedly, Derpy looked back at Roseheart, who was still watching from the shore several feet away. Seeing her friend's encouraging smile (and not seeing the concern hiding underneath it), Derpy took a deep breath and propelled herself forward with a leap. Once her hooves left the bottom of the lake, they started moving as if she was trying to run. For a moment, that worked. Derpy opened her mouth to shout something to Roseheart, but water rushed in before any sound came out.
Derpy thrashed her legs and beat her wings furiously in an attempt to get her head back above the surface. She popped up briefly, coughed, and breathed in as much air as she could before her nose went back under the water. Feeling the tremendous terror that generally accompanies drowning, she struggled to get back to the surface. Panic overwhelmed her mind and caused her to use her precious moments above the water to scream rather than to get more air. She was quickly running out of stamina and couldn't manage to kick her way back to the surface this time.
The next thing Derpy saw was the very worried face of Roseheart against the background of the sky. She rolled onto her side and coughed violently, spewing water on the ground. Once the coughing had stopped, she turned back to face Roseheart, whose expression had become one of relief.
"Thank Celestia you're alive!" cried Roseheart. "It took me a few seconds to work up enough magic to lift you out of the water and by the time I got you over here, you weren't breathing anymore!"
"I-" Derpy started to respond, but stopped suddenly and winced. All the coughs had made her throat feel a little hoarse. "Mmph. Thank you."
"Talking probably doesn't feel very good, does it? That's alright, you should go home and rest now anyway. And, uh, maybe ask one of your parents to teach you how to swim instead of trying that again, okay?" Roseheart smiled and helped Derpy to her feet.
Derpy nodded, realizing how exhausted she felt. "Today has been awful," she groaned quietly.
"Well, some good came out of it," said Roseheart. She turned slightly, revealing her brand new stethoscope cutie mark.
Derpy's mood brightened considerably. "I guess not everything went wrong!"
"Well, my cutie mark is a bunch of bubbles, so maybe that means I'm destined to be a great swimmer!" Derpy shook her untidy blonde mane out of her eyes and grinned at her friend.
"Maybe," said Roseheart, still apprehensive about Derpy's plan.
Oblivious to Roseheart's skepticism, Derpy turned toward the water and tested the temperature with a hoof. Shivering slightly, she stepped further into the lake. "Alright, wish me luck!"
Roseheart was tempted to look away, but felt she should probably keep watching to make sure Derpy was safe. If it wasn't for Roseheart, Derpy would've had even more injuries in her young life than she'd already experienced. It pays to have a level-headed friend around when you're as adventurous and clumsy as Derpy.
Derpy continued walking until the water was nearly up to her chin. The water wasn't terribly deep by the standards of a normal pony, but it was deep enough for a filly to start feeling nervous. Well, most fillies. Derpy, on the other hoof, never seemed to be scared of anything.
Excitedly, Derpy looked back at Roseheart, who was still watching from the shore several feet away. Seeing her friend's encouraging smile (and not seeing the concern hiding underneath it), Derpy took a deep breath and propelled herself forward with a leap. Once her hooves left the bottom of the lake, they started moving as if she was trying to run. For a moment, that worked. Derpy opened her mouth to shout something to Roseheart, but water rushed in before any sound came out.
Derpy thrashed her legs and beat her wings furiously in an attempt to get her head back above the surface. She popped up briefly, coughed, and breathed in as much air as she could before her nose went back under the water. Feeling the tremendous terror that generally accompanies drowning, she struggled to get back to the surface. Panic overwhelmed her mind and caused her to use her precious moments above the water to scream rather than to get more air. She was quickly running out of stamina and couldn't manage to kick her way back to the surface this time.
The next thing Derpy saw was the very worried face of Roseheart against the background of the sky. She rolled onto her side and coughed violently, spewing water on the ground. Once the coughing had stopped, she turned back to face Roseheart, whose expression had become one of relief.
"Thank Celestia you're alive!" cried Roseheart. "It took me a few seconds to work up enough magic to lift you out of the water and by the time I got you over here, you weren't breathing anymore!"
"I-" Derpy started to respond, but stopped suddenly and winced. All the coughs had made her throat feel a little hoarse. "Mmph. Thank you."
"Talking probably doesn't feel very good, does it? That's alright, you should go home and rest now anyway. And, uh, maybe ask one of your parents to teach you how to swim instead of trying that again, okay?" Roseheart smiled and helped Derpy to her feet.
Derpy nodded, realizing how exhausted she felt. "Today has been awful," she groaned quietly.
"Well, some good came out of it," said Roseheart. She turned slightly, revealing her brand new stethoscope cutie mark.
Derpy's mood brightened considerably. "I guess not everything went wrong!"
This is cute but clumsy. The narration feels too telly and casual in the first part. The conversational asides distract from the story rather than adding to it. There’s not much to this, but I do look forward to seeing more from you.
The premise and setting of this is pretty adorable, although the execution would definitely benefit from some polish. The narrative style, particularly the exchanges between Derpy and Roseheart, are quite tell-y, and as a result I felt like I was being kept at a distance, never fully experiencing the situation alongside the characters. I quite liked Derpy here, though.
I wonder how she did get her cutie mark.
Thanks for sharing your work!
I wonder how she did get her cutie mark.
Thanks for sharing your work!
she felt she should probably keep watching to make sure Derpy was safe
Probably? I'd think it far more imperative than that. It would almost be ponyslaughter to turn away at that point.
I don't like the last line. The action is very telly, and I also don't really like what Derpy says because it sounds equivocal toward Rose's good fortune.
Try something like:
After a moment, Derpy smiled brightly and said, "I guess today wasn't so bad after all!"
...or something like that.
Fortunately, Derpy did eventually discover her talent.
Show vs. tell again. I gave some context/opinions for that in >>horizon that might help here. But no matter your opinion on the question of show vs. tell, I think there's one rule on which we can all agree: don't show and tell the same information. Such as:
I think any reasonable reader would infer from Roseheart's noncommittal answer and her earlier dubious questioning that she was apprehensive and skeptical. Your dialogue does a fine job already of showing us Roseheart's mood/reaction — piling on blatantly telly confirmations just wastes words on redundancy. Redundantly. With wasted words.
You're already doing a good job avoiding this in places, such as the lake description implied by Derpy's behavior above. What temperature is the water? I don't think there's a single reader who would say anything other than "cold", and yet you never used the word. That's exactly how to pull off showing.
There's two main issues to fix here with editing, author. The first is to reread the story with an aggressive eye toward the show-vs-telliness of your prose; trust your descriptions some more to carry through the meanings that the current story beats us over the head with. The second … mmm. The ending is a little weird/creepy/morbid, but that's not the problem so much as a symptom of a larger tonal aimlessness. The story shifts from gentle slice of life to a literal near-fatal drowning to a cheerful near-punchline. It takes some finesse to mix tones to that extent, and while I'm a standard-bearer for that kind of layered storytelling, stars know I wouldn't try it in a minific. While the prose problem should be a fairly straightforward fix, the tone issue here is more of a structural issue, so it might take some tearing apart and rebuilding. Pick a single mood or theme and try to align the story so everything you include contributes to that. A number of the individual sentences/paragraphs show that you're capable of that level of prose; now it's time to work on consistency and coherency.
Tier: Needs Work
>>Trick_Question
Can I ask how you see the spoilered line as less equivocal? For me, adding "After a moment" at the beginning actually increases that effect, since it's directly showing us a moment of contrasting emotion that she's feeling besides the one she's projecting on the surface.
"Maybe," said Roseheart, still apprehensive about Derpy's plan.
Oblivious to Roseheart's skepticism, Derpy turned toward the water and tested the temperature with a hoof. Shivering slightly, she stepped further into the lake. "Alright, wish me luck!"
I think any reasonable reader would infer from Roseheart's noncommittal answer and her earlier dubious questioning that she was apprehensive and skeptical. Your dialogue does a fine job already of showing us Roseheart's mood/reaction — piling on blatantly telly confirmations just wastes words on redundancy. Redundantly. With wasted words.
You're already doing a good job avoiding this in places, such as the lake description implied by Derpy's behavior above. What temperature is the water? I don't think there's a single reader who would say anything other than "cold", and yet you never used the word. That's exactly how to pull off showing.
There's two main issues to fix here with editing, author. The first is to reread the story with an aggressive eye toward the show-vs-telliness of your prose; trust your descriptions some more to carry through the meanings that the current story beats us over the head with. The second … mmm. The ending is a little weird/creepy/morbid, but that's not the problem so much as a symptom of a larger tonal aimlessness. The story shifts from gentle slice of life to a literal near-fatal drowning to a cheerful near-punchline. It takes some finesse to mix tones to that extent, and while I'm a standard-bearer for that kind of layered storytelling, stars know I wouldn't try it in a minific. While the prose problem should be a fairly straightforward fix, the tone issue here is more of a structural issue, so it might take some tearing apart and rebuilding. Pick a single mood or theme and try to align the story so everything you include contributes to that. A number of the individual sentences/paragraphs show that you're capable of that level of prose; now it's time to work on consistency and coherency.
Tier: Needs Work
>>Trick_Question
Can I ask how you see the spoilered line as less equivocal? For me, adding "After a moment" at the beginning actually increases that effect, since it's directly showing us a moment of contrasting emotion that she's feeling besides the one she's projecting on the surface.
As a reviewer, it's a pretty daunting task to come after Horizon because he doesn't left much unsaid. So yeah, pratically, I concur with all that was already mentioned. I didn't get at first that you were depicting a filly Derpy. You tell us her friend is a filly, but you don‘t actually say diddly-squat about her. For a moment, I thought you were writing about the grown-up Derpy.
Otherwise, well, besides the reservations made by Horizon, it’s a nice vignette. Not outstanding, but reasonably well done.
Otherwise, well, besides the reservations made by Horizon, it’s a nice vignette. Not outstanding, but reasonably well done.
>>horizon
I mean Derpy phrases it as "I suppose something didn't go wrong", which is both wembly and equivocal. She doesn't say "hey this is good" or "I'm happy for you", but "one thing didn't go completely bad, I suppose".
I mean Derpy phrases it as "I suppose something didn't go wrong", which is both wembly and equivocal. She doesn't say "hey this is good" or "I'm happy for you", but "one thing didn't go completely bad, I suppose".
