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Oof. Tough one, kid. There's more fish in the sea.
I'm not sure what it is about crayons but I'm pretty interested in them, and with the theme of this picture I do have to say that they are utilized pretty nicely to give an idea of their age and setting. Really breaks my heart though to have to see that kid get rejected like that though. Overall I'd give it a thumbs up.
Also, nice caption.
I'm not sure what it is about crayons but I'm pretty interested in them, and with the theme of this picture I do have to say that they are utilized pretty nicely to give an idea of their age and setting. Really breaks my heart though to have to see that kid get rejected like that though. Overall I'd give it a thumbs up.
Also, nice caption.
Review—
Prompt relevance: I’m... not sure
Style: looks like pen & marker, mostly clean, not much overlap or bleeding (of ink)
Background: single spot of background at pony’s hooves
Story potential: also not sure
Result: mid tier
I... must not understand this one, because I’m getting a “ponies bleed candy” vibe from this. But... is it pretend if it’s happening? And is it happening?
Prompt relevance: I’m... not sure
Style: looks like pen & marker, mostly clean, not much overlap or bleeding (of ink)
Background: single spot of background at pony’s hooves
Story potential: also not sure
Result: mid tier
I... must not understand this one, because I’m getting a “ponies bleed candy” vibe from this. But... is it pretend if it’s happening? And is it happening?
Review—
Prompt relevance: high
Style: pastels, surprisingly clean for pastel drawings
Background: phenomenal how closely the two images are mirrored.
Story potential: low
Result: mid tier
The image is very nice, a fantastic use of the medium, but the only vibe I can get from it is Celestia mourning the loss of her sister and pretending she’s not gone.
Prompt relevance: high
Style: pastels, surprisingly clean for pastel drawings
Background: phenomenal how closely the two images are mirrored.
Story potential: low
Result: mid tier
The image is very nice, a fantastic use of the medium, but the only vibe I can get from it is Celestia mourning the loss of her sister and pretending she’s not gone.
Beautifully still in the night, I ask myself, would this make for a decent wallpaper on my desktop?
Seriously, it's well done and successfully brings back the sympathy I have for the olden princess. I'm not entirely sure if the art would've been done better if it were a solid color cutout style, but the crayon nicely brings a dream-like state to the scene, so all is good. Now all I hope for is that the person adapting this is fully capable of transferring, yet not copying, the same set of emotions this holds.
Seriously, it's well done and successfully brings back the sympathy I have for the olden princess. I'm not entirely sure if the art would've been done better if it were a solid color cutout style, but the crayon nicely brings a dream-like state to the scene, so all is good. Now all I hope for is that the person adapting this is fully capable of transferring, yet not copying, the same set of emotions this holds.
>>Moosetasm
I believe it is a love letter, based on the seal, and she is tearing it up in front of him. "Keep pretending" that she's into you, not out of your league, etc.
I believe it is a love letter, based on the seal, and she is tearing it up in front of him. "Keep pretending" that she's into you, not out of your league, etc.
Review—
Prompt relevance: high
Style: smooth lines of varying width, well shaded
Background: none
Story potential: low
Result: mid tier
The picture is well drawn, though it punches me right in my uncanny valley for some reason. I unfortunately can only see the one type of fic coming from this, the “Pinkie Pie is secretly sad” kind.
Prompt relevance: high
Style: smooth lines of varying width, well shaded
Background: none
Story potential: low
Result: mid tier
The picture is well drawn, though it punches me right in my uncanny valley for some reason. I unfortunately can only see the one type of fic coming from this, the “Pinkie Pie is secretly sad” kind.
>>Paracompact
But there’s no reaction from them other than looking away? And it could be that they’re about to give the letter, but tears it up first? It’s intriguing.
But there’s no reaction from them other than looking away? And it could be that they’re about to give the letter, but tears it up first? It’s intriguing.
Review—
Prompt relevance: moderate
Style: messy pencil or pastel shading
Background: very subtle auras in each character’s area
Story potential: moderate
Result: mid tier
So, I didn’t immediately recognize Twilight as Twilight, it took me a bit of staring to go “oh glasses, ‘tis Sci Twi.” Twilight’s Chin is a little messed up, you might want to try doing a very light pencil sketch to get the shape right in the future, pastel and pencil colors can easily eat up a light light pencil-framework sketch. I assume that they’re either pretending to be together, or pretending that they should be apart?
Prompt relevance: moderate
Style: messy pencil or pastel shading
Background: very subtle auras in each character’s area
Story potential: moderate
Result: mid tier
So, I didn’t immediately recognize Twilight as Twilight, it took me a bit of staring to go “oh glasses, ‘tis Sci Twi.” Twilight’s Chin is a little messed up, you might want to try doing a very light pencil sketch to get the shape right in the future, pastel and pencil colors can easily eat up a light light pencil-framework sketch. I assume that they’re either pretending to be together, or pretending that they should be apart?
Review—
Prompt relevance: low
Style: clean, looks like a technical diagram
Background: black
Story potential: moderate
Result: mid tier
Sweetie Bot? If so, I guess pretending it’s real? But it has a spot for wings... ummm. Not sure what to think of this one.
Prompt relevance: low
Style: clean, looks like a technical diagram
Background: black
Story potential: moderate
Result: mid tier
Sweetie Bot? If so, I guess pretending it’s real? But it has a spot for wings... ummm. Not sure what to think of this one.
Review—
Prompt relevance: low
Style: good inked designs
Background: none, leftover sketch visible
Story potential: low
Result: Needs work
I do like this image, and I think there’s good artistry at work here, I just don’t see relation to the prompt or potential for a story to come from it.
Prompt relevance: low
Style: good inked designs
Background: none, leftover sketch visible
Story potential: low
Result: Needs work
I do like this image, and I think there’s good artistry at work here, I just don’t see relation to the prompt or potential for a story to come from it.
Review—
Prompt relevance: high
Style: pencil sketch
Background: none
Story potential: low
Result: needs work
It’s Thorax, in Crystal Hoof form, or a preliminary sketch of him. The proportions and hairstyle look right, the shaded areas look correct, but the image is unfinished, there are still guide lines visible. This just looks like it just needed more time to be completed.
Prompt relevance: high
Style: pencil sketch
Background: none
Story potential: low
Result: needs work
It’s Thorax, in Crystal Hoof form, or a preliminary sketch of him. The proportions and hairstyle look right, the shaded areas look correct, but the image is unfinished, there are still guide lines visible. This just looks like it just needed more time to be completed.
Review—
Prompt relevance: questionable
Style: compilation of vector images
Background: Alt timeline/Fallout Equestria
Story potential: low
Result: needs work
So, the composition is new, but I do recognize both images contained therein. I’m not sure where the prompt relevance factors in, and although I’m sure there would be plenty of story possibilities from this image, I’m not sure if any of them would fit the prompt.
Prompt relevance: questionable
Style: compilation of vector images
Background: Alt timeline/Fallout Equestria
Story potential: low
Result: needs work
So, the composition is new, but I do recognize both images contained therein. I’m not sure where the prompt relevance factors in, and although I’m sure there would be plenty of story possibilities from this image, I’m not sure if any of them would fit the prompt.
Review—
Prompt relevance: surprisingly high
Style: rough pencil or pen sketch
Background: sketched ground and sky
Story potential: meta
Result: needs work
I appreciate the crushing reality of what would happen were I to exit the pony butt, and the resultant pretending that everything was ok, but the composition needed a bit more work.
Prompt relevance: surprisingly high
Style: rough pencil or pen sketch
Background: sketched ground and sky
Story potential: meta
Result: needs work
I appreciate the crushing reality of what would happen were I to exit the pony butt, and the resultant pretending that everything was ok, but the composition needed a bit more work.
Review—
Prompt relevance: questionable
Style: pencil sketch of... I have no idea
Background: the letter of acceptance
Story potential: questionable
Result: needs work
I just thought it was done on the back of something else if others hadn’t pointed out the letter. I have no idea who the picture is of, so I lose a lot of the relevance in respect to the prompt or story ideas.
Prompt relevance: questionable
Style: pencil sketch of... I have no idea
Background: the letter of acceptance
Story potential: questionable
Result: needs work
I just thought it was done on the back of something else if others hadn’t pointed out the letter. I have no idea who the picture is of, so I lose a lot of the relevance in respect to the prompt or story ideas.
I really enjoy this one as well ! The stylized horns are esp nice ! This piece leaves me a little wanting though, if nothing else for the potential this has to be VERY dramatic and extra. As it stands its a good illustrative work, the composition works well and is fairly clear. Though putting a big commanding shape at the very center does fight with some of your smaller details !
If you weren't going to push this to 100 with dramatic lighting from the red moon ( a blood moon came to mind first n i think a lunar eclipse would be fitting for this situation ) I believe the point you worked it to was for the best.
If you weren't going to push this to 100 with dramatic lighting from the red moon ( a blood moon came to mind first n i think a lunar eclipse would be fitting for this situation ) I believe the point you worked it to was for the best.
I think this is very cute ! and fits with the prompt well in a non-dramatic way !
My only real gripe and hang up with this is just How distracting the right eye is, the line-weight being so polar opposite on the eyes just takes away from the piece as a whole. I think it could have been intentional ( to denote a spot on the eye ? ) but lighter hatching would have def worked better in that case. If it was accidental well... i would have tried to sell it more as a spot and just leaned into it if i were you !
Still nice job !
My only real gripe and hang up with this is just How distracting the right eye is, the line-weight being so polar opposite on the eyes just takes away from the piece as a whole. I think it could have been intentional ( to denote a spot on the eye ? ) but lighter hatching would have def worked better in that case. If it was accidental well... i would have tried to sell it more as a spot and just leaned into it if i were you !
Still nice job !
I think the facial proportions and subtle details—such as shading to show depth on her eyelids and muzzle, the highlights in the tears, and the fuzz in the mane and ears—really make this picture and A+ in my book. Facial close-ups sometimes means playing with fire (especially when it comes to eyes, I've found), but you've done a fantastic job of conveying the emotions on her face vividly enough for us to picture what's going on in her head.
>>Moosetasm
I first saw those as tears of happiness, with Pinkie imagining all the smiles she'll put on ponies' faces. I do get a twinge of uncanny valley from her eyebrows(?), but not enough to detract from the picture's quality for me.
>>Moosetasm
I first saw those as tears of happiness, with Pinkie imagining all the smiles she'll put on ponies' faces. I do get a twinge of uncanny valley from her eyebrows(?), but not enough to detract from the picture's quality for me.
>>Moosetasm
It's a gore pic.
Al Gore.
Not related to the prompt, but meta commentary on the one "gore" fic from the last round.
It's a gore pic.
Al Gore.
Not related to the prompt, but meta commentary on the one "gore" fic from the last round.
WHO THE HELL DID THIS
I WANT NAMES RIGHT NOW
I GRADUATED FROM GENESEO ALREADY I DON'T NEED THIS >:V
edit: I'm trying to find my actual acceptance letter from Geneseo. Chances are it's been lost over the years, but I'd love to post it for reference.
I WANT NAMES RIGHT NOW
I GRADUATED FROM GENESEO ALREADY I DON'T NEED THIS >:V
edit: I'm trying to find my actual acceptance letter from Geneseo. Chances are it's been lost over the years, but I'd love to post it for reference.
>>Moosetasm
Same here. Looks to me like she's lying dead in the coffin, yet she's crying. Also, I briefly considered writing a story based on this one (but I didn't precisely because it'd be a "Pinkie is secretly sad" story).
The picture is well drawn, though it punches me right in my uncanny valley for some reason.
Same here. Looks to me like she's lying dead in the coffin, yet she's crying. Also, I briefly considered writing a story based on this one (but I didn't precisely because it'd be a "Pinkie is secretly sad" story).
>>Moosetasm
I think it's supposed to be that Twilight feels like a pretender, but Celestia reassures her that she's proud of her. Basically, season four's best song.
And while I'm here, I'll just say that I loved the piece. I think it was a great choice to shade with flat black, since because otherwise all these pastel colors would wash themselves out without contrast. It's kinda unclear what's going on with Celly's neck, but I don't think this is a huge deal, because Twilight's silhouette naturally draws the eye more than Celestia's. Nice stuff!
I think it's supposed to be that Twilight feels like a pretender, but Celestia reassures her that she's proud of her. Basically, season four's best song.
And while I'm here, I'll just say that I loved the piece. I think it was a great choice to shade with flat black, since because otherwise all these pastel colors would wash themselves out without contrast. It's kinda unclear what's going on with Celly's neck, but I don't think this is a huge deal, because Twilight's silhouette naturally draws the eye more than Celestia's. Nice stuff!
Review—
Prompt relevance: questionable
Style: photography, color shifted
Background: the background is the picture!
Story potential: low
Result: needs work
This is a pretty picture, and I wish it had some kind of prompt relevance or story potential.
Prompt relevance: questionable
Style: photography, color shifted
Background: the background is the picture!
Story potential: low
Result: needs work
This is a pretty picture, and I wish it had some kind of prompt relevance or story potential.
Review—
Prompt relevance: kinda
Style: picture, possible edit, possible not edit
Background: it is the background
Story potential: low
Result: needs work
I see a TNG Romulan warbird. And Mothman O_O
Prompt relevance: kinda
Style: picture, possible edit, possible not edit
Background: it is the background
Story potential: low
Result: needs work
I see a TNG Romulan warbird. And Mothman O_O
"Don't touch that dial now, we're just getting started."
(Hopefully somepony gets the reference)
(Hopefully somepony gets the reference)
I really like how the markers are used in this image. The textures give off that authentic vibe. I mean... they're actual markers, but they're used so well that if I was told this was a digital art image that was trying to pass as traditional, I'd believe it. I guess? What I'm trying to say is that the choice of medium is very deliberate. The smudging of black ink in some areas almost seems intentional too. It's only happening around her eyes and the cutie mark. Almost like she was crying? Interesting.
Well done!
Well done!
I think maybe this is a reference to leaked next-gen Fluttershy, who as I recall is on slate to be a Unicorn (despite obviously being more suited for Earth Pony stuff).
The diagramming near the cutie mark area looks like a butterfly, a little bit, and the wing slot is empty but a horn is there. The dotted outline of wings reminds me of old cartoon cutouts where "this should be, but suddenly isn't" is explained visually.
The diagramming near the cutie mark area looks like a butterfly, a little bit, and the wing slot is empty but a horn is there. The dotted outline of wings reminds me of old cartoon cutouts where "this should be, but suddenly isn't" is explained visually.
This is a really nice photo.
The line 'what grows from the ground a rainbow touches' gives this image some prompt potential.
The line 'what grows from the ground a rainbow touches' gives this image some prompt potential.
>>Moosetasm
Maybe Pinkie secretly has a thumbtack (hooftack??) in her leg and doesn't want anyone to know she's in pain?
Maybe Pinkie secretly has a thumbtack (hooftack??) in her leg and doesn't want anyone to know she's in pain?
Oh, this image is very clean, by the way. The image is framed well, and the shading is subtle. The subtle shading might actually be what's giving some people a weird vibe, but I think it looks alright. It's well done!
Fair number of drawings that fit within the "Adorable" category this round, and, for me, I think this tops the chart in that class. I'll ignore the floating cutlass to d'aww over the pink muzzle and mouse-like ears.
Also, that better be root beer, mister!
Extremely well done.
Also, that better be root beer, mister!
Extremely well done.
>>horizon
…Did I really curse myself by saying my weekend was free? D:
Well, now that I’m back from a short-notice trip to help out my medically ailing parents … heck, it’s only midnight, I’ve got three half-cups of caffeine scrounged up to take the edge off my exhaustion, and I’ve got two equally stupid ideas to destroy my reputation with.
Let’s do this. 😭
…Did I really curse myself by saying my weekend was free? D:
Well, now that I’m back from a short-notice trip to help out my medically ailing parents … heck, it’s only midnight, I’ve got three half-cups of caffeine scrounged up to take the edge off my exhaustion, and I’ve got two equally stupid ideas to destroy my reputation with.
Let’s do this. 😭
I dunno what it is, whether it's the tool used to capture the image or the brush strokes in some areas, but there's a good focus on Rainbow Dash that I think is very pleasing. The choice of medium is nice; it's only a little bit messy. I think the prompt potential is super high, too. It's a very cute image!
There's a lot that could be going on in the image. The two characters could be friends talking about how one of them received the letter before ripping it up. Maybe the character on the left thought about giving the letter to the character on the right but decided against it and tore it up beforehand. MAYBE the character on the right gave it to the character on the left and while they weren't looking and it got torn up in silent rejection. However, the lines above their ears almost indicate to me that they both caught the sound of the paper. There's good story potential here!
The actual execution of the drawing is great too. The colors are clean and the linework is very well done. I'd say the proportions are just a bit off, particularly how the heads are compared to the hind legs, but this could simply be a choice of style. I'm just not sure it works the best here. Otherwise, it's a super solid drawing.
The actual execution of the drawing is great too. The colors are clean and the linework is very well done. I'd say the proportions are just a bit off, particularly how the heads are compared to the hind legs, but this could simply be a choice of style. I'm just not sure it works the best here. Otherwise, it's a super solid drawing.
sorry Chrysalis, it looks like YOU DON'T KNOW JACK.
I kinda wanted to write a crackfic for dis pic about dat, but most people probably have no idea what game I'd be referring to, and it'd be too much trouble to come up with funny lines for Cookie all by myself so eh. Just imagine it exists.
I kinda wanted to write a crackfic for dis pic about dat, but most people probably have no idea what game I'd be referring to, and it'd be too much trouble to come up with funny lines for Cookie all by myself so eh. Just imagine it exists.
Top of my slate, no complaints. You took the silly laugh-out-loud picture (which was also near the top of my slate) and made a real and interesting story out of it. Nicely done.
I had no idea this was Thorax until just now, when I read the above comment. He only looked like that for a small part of one episode, so I forgot. For some reason I kept thinking this was Pom from Them's Fightin Herds...
I feel bad this didn't get any stories based on it, but maybe everyone else had trouble recognizing the character as I did.or they really dislike Thorax
I feel bad this didn't get any stories based on it, but maybe everyone else had trouble recognizing the character as I did.
>>Haze
I recognized the characterbecause I obsessively watch any episode with good Cadance content over and over and but nothing immediately sprung to mind upon seeing it. Thorax canonically achieves actualization and acceptance pretty quickly, so I couldn't quite get a grip on why he would pine for this form; and the period that he wore the form was so short that I couldn't think of an in-episode moment to slot in between scenes. Still, nice use of an underused character moment, artist!
Man, can we do a TFH round? That would be great.
I recognized the character
Man, can we do a TFH round? That would be great.
This feels almost like a parody. I did enjoy it, yet my overall impression afterwards is that it's kinda silly, and kinda romantic, and the two tones don't quite blend together. I could see this interesting story concept reworked as a 100% serious romantic drama.... or as a 100% silly farce. I can't decide which I'd rather see, but I feel like they'd both be stronger.
If you remember that Calvin & Hobbes comic where they play football but constantly reveal that they're double-agents working for the other team, that's what I was reminded of. The drama isn't quite convincing when Starlight is worried about the secret admirer, yet reveals later that she knew all along. Or maybe it really is intended as a comedy all along, but in that case I think it needs a better punchline.
Pretty good use of the artwork. Swaps out different characters, but the essential idea is still recognizable, and it develops that into something unique.
If you remember that Calvin & Hobbes comic where they play football but constantly reveal that they're double-agents working for the other team, that's what I was reminded of. The drama isn't quite convincing when Starlight is worried about the secret admirer, yet reveals later that she knew all along. Or maybe it really is intended as a comedy all along, but in that case I think it needs a better punchline.
Pretty good use of the artwork. Swaps out different characters, but the essential idea is still recognizable, and it develops that into something unique.
I started this fic thinking, "oh we all know how this story ends"
but by the end I was pleasantly surprised!
This is an interesting character piece on Cadance, told in 2nd person. It puts a new spin on her experiences, and I like how it's set up with such simple clarity. There's not much to debate on this one, it tells its message and it's done. Very effective as a minific.
The one flaw that bothered me might be the intro. Celestia seems uncharacteristically forceful, and it rubbed me the wrong way at first.
but by the end I was pleasantly surprised!
This is an interesting character piece on Cadance, told in 2nd person. It puts a new spin on her experiences, and I like how it's set up with such simple clarity. There's not much to debate on this one, it tells its message and it's done. Very effective as a minific.
The one flaw that bothered me might be the intro. Celestia seems uncharacteristically forceful, and it rubbed me the wrong way at first.
I loved this. So many good jokes, one after another.
And many of them are funny because they're not exaggerated, but true. If you know what I mean.
Even the title's great.
The only thing missing is what happened to Pinkie Pie. If this gets expanded for Fimfic, I hope she'll show up again. I can kinda see her breaking the 4th wall into someone else's hallucination.
And many of them are funny because they're not exaggerated, but true. If you know what I mean.
Even the title's great.
The only thing missing is what happened to Pinkie Pie. If this gets expanded for Fimfic, I hope she'll show up again. I can kinda see her breaking the 4th wall into someone else's hallucination.
Author, I feel spoiled. Existential dread and mathematics? Now I've got a whole afternoon of research on KL Divergence to look forward to! (For the curious: yes, it's a real thing.)
My penchant for people putting maths into stories aside, I love this sort of thing. Prose that builds emotion, particularly dread, without characters is something I love and really want to see more of. Who needs stories? This entry proves that not all fiction does.
There's some real cleverness to this piece, too, in the way that it uses our understanding of the natures of pegasi and unicorns. I adore the idea that these complex ideas come so naturally to pegasi entirely because of their different outlook on the world, and I think that was really well executed. There's not a huge amount I could ask this piece to do better—perhaps it could start building that dread earlier, to get the most out of the wordcount—but I do admit to coming out of it and not being fully certain what it was I was meant to take away. The emotion of that final line is clear, but (and I've read through the piece twice now) I can't say that the meaning is. I think that takes away from the strength of that emotion, for me.
You might be losing a few people with all the maths-words, but to me, at least, they add to the immersion of the piece. But I'm used to casually throwing jargon around, so that's hardly a surprise. There's some tonal inconsistencies, too, which isn't a wholly bad thing (I like the idea that someone can write a piece with all this serious, academic text, and balance it out with some prose that's less formal), but I feel that in particular the jump in tone between the first two paragraphs comes a little too early. Would it stand out more if we'd had more time to get used to the original tone? Honestly, I'm not sure, but it's something that could be worth investigating, if you haven't already.
This was a really fun take on the prompt and the pic it chose, and I enjoyed reading it a lot! Well-constructed, clean, clear prose which succeeds (albeit not as well as it could) at its goal is always a delight, and this one had more than a couple of lines that had me smiling at their pretty words. I liked this, author; thank you for writing it.
P.S.
Never has a line of fiction spoken more clearly to my interests ❤
My penchant for people putting maths into stories aside, I love this sort of thing. Prose that builds emotion, particularly dread, without characters is something I love and really want to see more of. Who needs stories? This entry proves that not all fiction does.
There's some real cleverness to this piece, too, in the way that it uses our understanding of the natures of pegasi and unicorns. I adore the idea that these complex ideas come so naturally to pegasi entirely because of their different outlook on the world, and I think that was really well executed. There's not a huge amount I could ask this piece to do better—perhaps it could start building that dread earlier, to get the most out of the wordcount—but I do admit to coming out of it and not being fully certain what it was I was meant to take away. The emotion of that final line is clear, but (and I've read through the piece twice now) I can't say that the meaning is. I think that takes away from the strength of that emotion, for me.
You might be losing a few people with all the maths-words, but to me, at least, they add to the immersion of the piece. But I'm used to casually throwing jargon around, so that's hardly a surprise. There's some tonal inconsistencies, too, which isn't a wholly bad thing (I like the idea that someone can write a piece with all this serious, academic text, and balance it out with some prose that's less formal), but I feel that in particular the jump in tone between the first two paragraphs comes a little too early. Would it stand out more if we'd had more time to get used to the original tone? Honestly, I'm not sure, but it's something that could be worth investigating, if you haven't already.
This was a really fun take on the prompt and the pic it chose, and I enjoyed reading it a lot! Well-constructed, clean, clear prose which succeeds (albeit not as well as it could) at its goal is always a delight, and this one had more than a couple of lines that had me smiling at their pretty words. I liked this, author; thank you for writing it.
P.S.
It's the same kind of willful suspension of disbelief needed to survive Quantum Physics.
Never has a line of fiction spoken more clearly to my interests ❤
This was nice! The bad/good cake, paired with Luna being so excited the good cake was bad, made for an effective hook. The beginning, middle, and end of the story all clearly served their purposes well, and the overall theme, which I read as something like 'better to have loved and lost', came through clearly. This really only felt like it had one joke in it, and I've always felt the 'deathly cooking' trope was a bit ridiculous, but I did smile.
Overall, I don't really have much in the way of criticism to give. This is a very well put together piece.
Overall, I don't really have much in the way of criticism to give. This is a very well put together piece.
It's a bit rough on the technical side, but rather interesting take on the Cakes. Also, Mane-iac prepares to escape? That'd make for an interesting story.
Okay, this one followed Hitchcock's principle: it started with an earthquake and then the tension rose.
I like that you're going for something very stylistic here—a lot of minific entries will use the tight wordcount on some invisible prose that pushes the story to the reader ASAP. But this definitely takes a different approach, and I can definitely dig that.
For me, though, this story did feel exhausting to read. Virtually all of your sentences are short and choppy, and your paragraph breaks feel a bit too liberal. I mean, five of the first eight paragraphs are single sentences. Paragraph breaks make me expect a change in topic or tone, but that's rarely the case, here. When you're constantly ending your train of thought with these rapid-fire lines of words, it makes it really hard for the reader to get a feeling of cohesiveness and flow.
As for the story itself, I thought it was neat. I have to admit, though, that I did feel like we could use some emotional contrast, here. This is where the word count is really kicking your butt, I think, since the conversation with Twilight should have been much longer. This was supposed to be the one hopeful moment, before the twist ending. But instead, we only get an outline of a conversation, which has largely the same tone/mood as the rest of the story. As a result, the whole story feels a bit homogeneous, and we don't really go anywhere emotionally.
In the end, I liked the idea here, but I think the experimental style might have come across too strongly, and the rushed pacing towards the end hurts the emotional twist.
For me, though, this story did feel exhausting to read. Virtually all of your sentences are short and choppy, and your paragraph breaks feel a bit too liberal. I mean, five of the first eight paragraphs are single sentences. Paragraph breaks make me expect a change in topic or tone, but that's rarely the case, here. When you're constantly ending your train of thought with these rapid-fire lines of words, it makes it really hard for the reader to get a feeling of cohesiveness and flow.
As for the story itself, I thought it was neat. I have to admit, though, that I did feel like we could use some emotional contrast, here. This is where the word count is really kicking your butt, I think, since the conversation with Twilight should have been much longer. This was supposed to be the one hopeful moment, before the twist ending. But instead, we only get an outline of a conversation, which has largely the same tone/mood as the rest of the story. As a result, the whole story feels a bit homogeneous, and we don't really go anywhere emotionally.
In the end, I liked the idea here, but I think the experimental style might have come across too strongly, and the rushed pacing towards the end hurts the emotional twist.
Okay, that was darkly humorous. Also, I think putting something sweet in wounds only gives bacteria more food to work with...
I have conflicting feelings about this one. On the one hand, there's some genuinely interesting stuff here, and I was definitely drawn in by the mystery you build up around Trixie. But on the other hand, I did finish the story feeling somewhat unsatisfied.
I think the biggest issue for me, is that there isn't really any sort of emotional arc. While plot-driving things definitely do happen, both characters still end up with the same mindset and emotions as they did at the start of the story. I really think that the Trixie-related reveals should have changed Twilight's opinion or feelings about her, but they didn't really have any effect, either to disprove or to amplify how Twilight already felt about Trixie.
On a side note, that Fallout joke in the very beginning was a bit of a tonal mismatch for me. On my first read-though, I thought I was reading a comedy because of that line alone. The openings of minifics are really important, since the reader looks to them to immediately set the tone of a very short story, so be careful with what you put in the first few sentences.
I think the biggest issue for me, is that there isn't really any sort of emotional arc. While plot-driving things definitely do happen, both characters still end up with the same mindset and emotions as they did at the start of the story. I really think that the Trixie-related reveals should have changed Twilight's opinion or feelings about her, but they didn't really have any effect, either to disprove or to amplify how Twilight already felt about Trixie.
On a side note, that Fallout joke in the very beginning was a bit of a tonal mismatch for me. On my first read-though, I thought I was reading a comedy because of that line alone. The openings of minifics are really important, since the reader looks to them to immediately set the tone of a very short story, so be careful with what you put in the first few sentences.
...I now have additional questions.
So this story is fairly clean; I was never confused about what was happening, and the little details - like pruning in autumn, which is the correct season for pruning, where nice. However, I feel like it's entirely trying to ride the stinger, and I'm not sure that's strong enough to really make as much of an impact as I'd like.
The thing is, people being gone isn't tragic just because they're gone; it's tragic because of how they die, or who they leave behind; there's some bite there, because we are attached to these characters, but I think if there was a little more information about how/why Dash's grave-marker is a tree, that stinger might land with a bit more force. As it is, I'm mostly left wondering why a tree, not feeling sad or nostalgic or bittersweet or what.
It's a pretty good story, but a bit light on emotional connection, I guess. At least for me.
So this story is fairly clean; I was never confused about what was happening, and the little details - like pruning in autumn, which is the correct season for pruning, where nice. However, I feel like it's entirely trying to ride the stinger, and I'm not sure that's strong enough to really make as much of an impact as I'd like.
The thing is, people being gone isn't tragic just because they're gone; it's tragic because of how they die, or who they leave behind; there's some bite there, because we are attached to these characters, but I think if there was a little more information about how/why Dash's grave-marker is a tree, that stinger might land with a bit more force. As it is, I'm mostly left wondering why a tree, not feeling sad or nostalgic or bittersweet or what.
It's a pretty good story, but a bit light on emotional connection, I guess. At least for me.
Well, that was nice.
I liked the interaction between Celestia and Twilight, specially how Celestia manages to get around Twilight's reservations. However, while filly Twilight's reenactment of the sunrise was cute as all hell, I have to wonder why does Celestia handwaves Twilight's vision of her possible death so easily. You'd think it'd be worth to dwell on that for a bit longer than just saying "nah, won't happen."
Also, the story presents Twilight fearing she's replacing Celestia, but also her fears of succumbing to a Nightmare state. While valid, I feel this splits the possible drama, and as a result doesn't dwell in either for as long as you could've, which leaves Twilight's worries feeling superficial and don't hit me with the same intensity it obviously hits her.
Still, it was an enjoyable read, and I liked the way it ended.
Cheers!
I liked the interaction between Celestia and Twilight, specially how Celestia manages to get around Twilight's reservations. However, while filly Twilight's reenactment of the sunrise was cute as all hell, I have to wonder why does Celestia handwaves Twilight's vision of her possible death so easily. You'd think it'd be worth to dwell on that for a bit longer than just saying "nah, won't happen."
Also, the story presents Twilight fearing she's replacing Celestia, but also her fears of succumbing to a Nightmare state. While valid, I feel this splits the possible drama, and as a result doesn't dwell in either for as long as you could've, which leaves Twilight's worries feeling superficial and don't hit me with the same intensity it obviously hits her.
Still, it was an enjoyable read, and I liked the way it ended.
Cheers!
This was a cute story. Twilight being completely in denial to the point of ignoring scientific rigor is very in-character for her, and funny to boot.
That being said, there's denial, and then there's writing off a result of three standard deviations above the mean. 3 s.d's is an insane quantity. That's a 0.135 percentile result, assuming a Gaussian distribution. And this is a bimodal distribution, which means that the s.d. would be even higher than the s.d. of either peak, and assuming that the peaks are differentiable, that's at least another order of magnitude more improbable.
Twilight constantly reiterating that something that can best be described as "rejecting the null hypothesis with extreme prejudice" is a little much, even if she's in denial. There's bad science, and then there's a fundamental lack of intuition about statistical quantities.
That being said, there's denial, and then there's writing off a result of three standard deviations above the mean. 3 s.d's is an insane quantity. That's a 0.135 percentile result, assuming a Gaussian distribution. And this is a bimodal distribution, which means that the s.d. would be even higher than the s.d. of either peak, and assuming that the peaks are differentiable, that's at least another order of magnitude more improbable.
Twilight constantly reiterating that something that can best be described as "rejecting the null hypothesis with extreme prejudice" is a little much, even if she's in denial. There's bad science, and then there's a fundamental lack of intuition about statistical quantities.
This pleases me greatly, as how could it not? I will have to get back to it later. For now, though: ALL HAIL BEST CRANKIEST PONE
>>horizon
Damn, man... quite the weekend adventure, eh? I'm glad you got to submit stuff, dude.
Damn, man... quite the weekend adventure, eh? I'm glad you got to submit stuff, dude.
And then Pinkie was a Ralph Wiggum meme.
>>Samey90
Depends. Sugar absorbs liquid, so if you add enough sugar to a wound, it will kill the bacteria by decreasing the specific water activity in the region. Same reason dry granulated sugar won't spoil or grow mold or bacteria.
I mean, you'd have to pour a lot of granulated sugar into a wound.
>>Samey90
Depends. Sugar absorbs liquid, so if you add enough sugar to a wound, it will kill the bacteria by decreasing the specific water activity in the region. Same reason dry granulated sugar won't spoil or grow mold or bacteria.
I mean, you'd have to pour a lot of granulated sugar into a wound.
Don't worry Twilight, mind control phase at your age is normal. In your twenties, it's embarassing (looking at you, Starlight. Though Twilight also had a Smarty Pants incident).
“Walking this wasteland almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter.”
The Mojave, huh. I guess this is a Fallout crossover?
...or not? Maybe it still is?
This just kind of never went anywhere. I'm still not sure if it's supposed to be horror or comedy.
I'm not up on the most recent EQG content, so I'm really lost on a few points here.
A lot of points, actually. I remember who Wallflower was, and the memory stone, but... Sunset can read minds now? I'm just not sure what's going on.
A lot of points, actually. I remember who Wallflower was, and the memory stone, but... Sunset can read minds now? I'm just not sure what's going on.
I have a bad tendency to micro-paragraph, but I think you're really overdoing it here. Making every sentence its own paragraph for the sake of constant emphasis gets stale very quickly.
Despite Cheerilee's perspective, the writing style feels tellier than it needs to be. Try to show us more of Cheerilee's emotions and thoughts via her actions. You do it well in many places, but I'm sure you can push it further.
I was confused about the Cheerilee Five. That came totally out of left field. Were they an actual girl band, or was it something they pretended to do? Either way, more clarity and context would have helped me.
Despite Cheerilee's perspective, the writing style feels tellier than it needs to be. Try to show us more of Cheerilee's emotions and thoughts via her actions. You do it well in many places, but I'm sure you can push it further.
I was confused about the Cheerilee Five. That came totally out of left field. Were they an actual girl band, or was it something they pretended to do? Either way, more clarity and context would have helped me.
All y'all in here jawing about Thorax, and here I was looking at a Crystal Empire-themed title and a picture of a talking ovine, and thinking that this was sharp and subtle commentary on the Empire's known history of racism and sapient slavery [1].
... i should probably go back to sleep. ◑..◐;;
--
[1] Cf. Ballad of the Crystal Empire: "They had a petting zoo with tiny ewes."
... i should probably go back to sleep. ◑..◐;;
--
[1] Cf. Ballad of the Crystal Empire: "They had a petting zoo with tiny ewes."
Rainbow had to admit it sounded funny
You switch from dialogue to solid tell here when you could have stuck with dialogue. You do this shift from dialogue to tell in several places. I think maybe you tried to cram too many dialogue scenes into the word limit, and it led to telliness from attempted 'shortcuts' at conveying the dialogue.
Rainbow hadn’t noticed how small her trophy room had become
I think you mean cramped. This is sending me the opposite impression of what you're trying to say.
I'm not convinced by the resolution. Rainbow interprets AJ smiling as an indication she's changed as a pony? This doesn't make intuitive sense to me. Maybe if AJ said something meaningful, like, "the fact you're so concerned proves you have", it would be more believable for me.
Bravo for trying something different! There's also a really neat idea, here, that Granny and Grand were actually lovers before having a falling out. It was definitely fun to see when/how their relationship fell apart, since the reader knows how things ended up.
I have to admit, though, I really got the feeling that this shouldn't have been a minific. Call it a personal hang-up, but I don't think that this is how angry people write letters. Replying to a letter takes a long time. It's something you do when you've read the other party's letter, thought about how to express yourself, and then taking efforts to best put it down in words, because you know that there will be no instant feedback if part of your letter is misunderstood. There's a thoughtfulness to it even when you're angry, and I think the fact that a lot of these letters came across like impulsive text messages to me isn't the best.
The emotions end up feel rushed, especially with the "When I damn well please" letter. I actually scrolled up to see if I had missed anything, because it felt really out of the blue to me.
Honestly, I feel like a single letter should probably have been a few hundred words at least. Of course, there's no way you can fit something like that into the scope of this contest, but personally I feel that a big expansion is the way to go to make this piece work as intended.
I have to admit, though, I really got the feeling that this shouldn't have been a minific. Call it a personal hang-up, but I don't think that this is how angry people write letters. Replying to a letter takes a long time. It's something you do when you've read the other party's letter, thought about how to express yourself, and then taking efforts to best put it down in words, because you know that there will be no instant feedback if part of your letter is misunderstood. There's a thoughtfulness to it even when you're angry, and I think the fact that a lot of these letters came across like impulsive text messages to me isn't the best.
The emotions end up feel rushed, especially with the "When I damn well please" letter. I actually scrolled up to see if I had missed anything, because it felt really out of the blue to me.
Honestly, I feel like a single letter should probably have been a few hundred words at least. Of course, there's no way you can fit something like that into the scope of this contest, but personally I feel that a big expansion is the way to go to make this piece work as intended.
Reading a bunch of very short letters is boring for me, especially when the content sounds like a normal conversation. You're sacrificing valuable word count for a gimmick while making the dialogue less interesting and harder to read.
This approach is also unrealistic. Hardly ever would a pony write a one-line letter and send it off, much less several in a row. Because this form of conversation takes a long time, writers are bound to impart more information than this in each letter. This is especially true if the content of the letters is dramatic and emotional. What is the benefit of doing it this way when you could just have the characters converse? I'm far more interested in what they say to each other in person than by mail, but I never get to see it.
I realize this is a behind-the-episode fic, but I don't feel like you have a full story here. The resolution offers nothing substantial. Two ponies flirt a little, then get bizarrely jealous and quickly break off all ties as friends? If they're so jealous, they must mean something to one another, so this doesn't make sense. I don't feel like you've provided a conclusion that ties the story cohesively together.
This approach is also unrealistic. Hardly ever would a pony write a one-line letter and send it off, much less several in a row. Because this form of conversation takes a long time, writers are bound to impart more information than this in each letter. This is especially true if the content of the letters is dramatic and emotional. What is the benefit of doing it this way when you could just have the characters converse? I'm far more interested in what they say to each other in person than by mail, but I never get to see it.
I realize this is a behind-the-episode fic, but I don't feel like you have a full story here. The resolution offers nothing substantial. Two ponies flirt a little, then get bizarrely jealous and quickly break off all ties as friends? If they're so jealous, they must mean something to one another, so this doesn't make sense. I don't feel like you've provided a conclusion that ties the story cohesively together.
Well... this was certainly something
I'll be honest, I could not wipe the stupid grin off of my face the entire time.
I'll be honest, I could not wipe the stupid grin off of my face the entire time.
I don't get this.
Seriously, I don't get it. There must be a joke or pun or something that will make sense of the ending, because it doesn't make a lick of sense otherwise. Is this dadaist, like, weird for the sake of weird? If that's the case, I'd say it's not working because I'm just left confused and irritated. (Clearly the mouth is supposed to be Pinkie's, but why would it eat garbage?)
Minor comments follow.
My cutie mark is an interrobang and I still would never use one in writing. ?! or !? are much easier to read and will translate to any font.
...
This doesn't make sense. Twilight only just started telling you.
I'd make this 'said Twilight' because the previous sentence is action-oriented and the speaker here is less clear as a result.
The 'there was' is awkward here (and it would be 'who' not 'that').
Do people really react like this? I'd expect scattered screaming for a brief moment, then lots of running.
This is a big dangling participle.
Seriously, I don't get it. There must be a joke or pun or something that will make sense of the ending, because it doesn't make a lick of sense otherwise. Is this dadaist, like, weird for the sake of weird? If that's the case, I'd say it's not working because I'm just left confused and irritated. (Clearly the mouth is supposed to be Pinkie's, but why would it eat garbage?)
Minor comments follow.
‽
My cutie mark is an interrobang and I still would never use one in writing. ?! or !? are much easier to read and will translate to any font.
..
...
I don't get what she has to do with this though?
This doesn't make sense. Twilight only just started telling you.
"It's here!" she said.
I'd make this 'said Twilight' because the previous sentence is action-oriented and the speaker here is less clear as a result.
There was not a single pony in the building that took her advice.
The 'there was' is awkward here (and it would be 'who' not 'that').
"Sweet Celestia," Old said. Then she resumed screaming like everypony else.
Do people really react like this? I'd expect scattered screaming for a brief moment, then lots of running.
Old kept the door open, even after the last pony was in so she could keep watching.
This is a big dangling participle.
Genre: Coulda Been A Contender
Thoughts: This is a unique, but odd, but strangely lovely, but vaguely wanting work. There are definite bits of emotional appeal going on up in here. The descriptions of Twinkleshine’s makeup under the hot lights evoked a clear sense of empathy for her struggle and the pain of her disappointment.
But, there are also some funky things going on as well that hold the experience back. Some are just technical, like a word that sticks out in the following sentence:
But then there’s also the core struggle of Twinkleshine chasing her dreams, which I feel isn’t moored very firmly to a reason why. I’d love to see some kind of more visceral presentation of what personal/emotional benefits that she gets out of acting... or is it meant to be writing? Which of the two is her true passion? I ask because it seems to go back and forth between them.
In the end, Twinkleshine retreats home to the company of friends and to plan the next phase of her ambitions—and I feel some parallels to the fic itself at this point. It definitely came out swinging, which I can respect; it’s clear that we’re meant to feel for Twinkleshine, which we sorta do. But I feel like a large part of that currently leans on the concept of “default sympathy” that Pascoite recently introduced to me. In brief, the idea is that a functional portrayal of someone in pain will tend to evoke a nominal bit of sympathy; but to go deeper, and really stick in a reader’s heart, we need the story to connect on more levels.
Take heart, though; IMO this story has a good heart. I just wish it gave us more of a sense of what Twinkleshine loves about acting/writing and why.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: This is a unique, but odd, but strangely lovely, but vaguely wanting work. There are definite bits of emotional appeal going on up in here. The descriptions of Twinkleshine’s makeup under the hot lights evoked a clear sense of empathy for her struggle and the pain of her disappointment.
But, there are also some funky things going on as well that hold the experience back. Some are just technical, like a word that sticks out in the following sentence:
“What’s going on!?” said the Director. “They were scoffing this stuff last week! And the week before that!”
But then there’s also the core struggle of Twinkleshine chasing her dreams, which I feel isn’t moored very firmly to a reason why. I’d love to see some kind of more visceral presentation of what personal/emotional benefits that she gets out of acting... or is it meant to be writing? Which of the two is her true passion? I ask because it seems to go back and forth between them.
In the end, Twinkleshine retreats home to the company of friends and to plan the next phase of her ambitions—and I feel some parallels to the fic itself at this point. It definitely came out swinging, which I can respect; it’s clear that we’re meant to feel for Twinkleshine, which we sorta do. But I feel like a large part of that currently leans on the concept of “default sympathy” that Pascoite recently introduced to me. In brief, the idea is that a functional portrayal of someone in pain will tend to evoke a nominal bit of sympathy; but to go deeper, and really stick in a reader’s heart, we need the story to connect on more levels.
Take heart, though; IMO this story has a good heart. I just wish it gave us more of a sense of what Twinkleshine loves about acting/writing and why.
Tier: Keep Developing
This story is very unrealistic from the outset, which ends up being its downfall. I ended up assuming the girl was a liar or insane because nothing she said made sense or had any outside corroboration. If you had made the story believable, I might have felt sympathy for her. But I felt nothing for the protagonist, and so the ending didn't work.
You need to tug at my heartstrings if you want me to chuckle at the end, and that didn't happen here.
Also, just to cover all the bases: meta is hard, especially in a writing competition.
You need to tug at my heartstrings if you want me to chuckle at the end, and that didn't happen here.
Also, just to cover all the bases: meta is hard, especially in a writing competition.
>>Skywriter
Thanks. I wasn't sure if that was part of the story, or background info I should have known from the franchise.
Thanks. I wasn't sure if that was part of the story, or background info I should have known from the franchise.
Genre: ...Changeling roofie rape? Kinda? Like seriously, are we starting there.
*takes breath*
K. Let's do this. :rainbowdetermined:
Thoughts: Regrettably I have to give the concept here a resounding nope nope nope nope moped nope nope. But it's not just for the rapey Trixie-Changeling, though she's a good entry point into some actual criticism.
One of my recurring problems with writing super-short stories is that I try to cram in either too much plot, or too many mental leaps to ask of an audience, in the allotted space. It's like clockwork: every minific Writeoff my brain comes to me with several high-concept AU or action/adventure stories that cannot possibly work in 750 words, and I must resist the temptation to walk the path of past failures again. Even if you go for in media res, it still takes some space and time to get people into the setting and setup that you want them to buy. They'll probably have questions, and the problem with genres that don't rely as much on subtlety is that the audience isn't as primed to pick up on clues and inferences.
So tl;dr, your subject matter opens up a ton of AU and mental leap stuff that there's barely room to reveal, much less to sell. What exactly is the setting that Twilight is in, and why? Is this "our" Twilight or another? Check it out, a random trader appears... but it's Trixie... but she's drugging Twilight... and she's a pony-carver! And a Changeling! And there's non-con! But Twilight's kinda into it!
I need the story to lead me through these things. It's not that it couldn't (regardless of whether or not it'd be my thing if it did); it's that right now it doesn't. That coupled with my personal starting point on the subject matter makes for a rough ride.
Tier: Keep Developing
*takes breath*
K. Let's do this. :rainbowdetermined:
Thoughts: Regrettably I have to give the concept here a resounding nope nope nope nope moped nope nope. But it's not just for the rapey Trixie-Changeling, though she's a good entry point into some actual criticism.
One of my recurring problems with writing super-short stories is that I try to cram in either too much plot, or too many mental leaps to ask of an audience, in the allotted space. It's like clockwork: every minific Writeoff my brain comes to me with several high-concept AU or action/adventure stories that cannot possibly work in 750 words, and I must resist the temptation to walk the path of past failures again. Even if you go for in media res, it still takes some space and time to get people into the setting and setup that you want them to buy. They'll probably have questions, and the problem with genres that don't rely as much on subtlety is that the audience isn't as primed to pick up on clues and inferences.
So tl;dr, your subject matter opens up a ton of AU and mental leap stuff that there's barely room to reveal, much less to sell. What exactly is the setting that Twilight is in, and why? Is this "our" Twilight or another? Check it out, a random trader appears... but it's Trixie... but she's drugging Twilight... and she's a pony-carver! And a Changeling! And there's non-con! But Twilight's kinda into it!
I need the story to lead me through these things. It's not that it couldn't (regardless of whether or not it'd be my thing if it did); it's that right now it doesn't. That coupled with my personal starting point on the subject matter makes for a rough ride.
Tier: Keep Developing
Genre: Mane-Iac?! Love it!
Thoughts: I'm compromised somewhat on objectivity here because I think the Mane-Iac has great untapped potential in fanfiction. Making her be this ambitious yet world-weary is a fresh take on her. She's got all the charisma I'd hope for, even as she makes it clear that she's so over everything around her.
There's a ton here that I could praise. I think the concept and execution are absolutely on point. Let me cut to the chase though: there's a pretty strong tonal disconnect between the Mane-Iac's exhortations for the Cakes to skip the fantasy and engage with the rough spots of their pretty-good reality, and then the glee with which she decides to consume their emotional fuel. I don't feel like she's fleshed out enough right now to justify having these seemingly contradictory positions both front-and-center in her thinking.
But beyond that? Heck yes. (EDIT: this is the rare story where I felt a bit disappointed that the “fantasy” aspects of it didn’t take a turn toward something erotic at the end. I think part of the tonal inconsistency of the story comes from the Cakes simply engaging in an overglorified VR beat-em-up when everything up to that point can be read as more marital/intimate/relational in nature.
I’m not sure what it says about me that this is where my head goes, but maybe give it a think.)
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I'm compromised somewhat on objectivity here because I think the Mane-Iac has great untapped potential in fanfiction. Making her be this ambitious yet world-weary is a fresh take on her. She's got all the charisma I'd hope for, even as she makes it clear that she's so over everything around her.
There's a ton here that I could praise. I think the concept and execution are absolutely on point. Let me cut to the chase though: there's a pretty strong tonal disconnect between the Mane-Iac's exhortations for the Cakes to skip the fantasy and engage with the rough spots of their pretty-good reality, and then the glee with which she decides to consume their emotional fuel. I don't feel like she's fleshed out enough right now to justify having these seemingly contradictory positions both front-and-center in her thinking.
But beyond that? Heck yes. (EDIT: this is the rare story where I felt a bit disappointed that the “fantasy” aspects of it didn’t take a turn toward something erotic at the end. I think part of the tonal inconsistency of the story comes from the Cakes simply engaging in an overglorified VR beat-em-up when everything up to that point can be read as more marital/intimate/relational in nature.
I’m not sure what it says about me that this is where my head goes, but maybe give it a think.)
Tier: Strong