>>Haze I really wouldn't say it is a headcanon interpretation, given that seems pretty clearly like what they were going for.

Contrary to Haze, I found myself suitably amused by the story, but I do agree that this story is too long and ends up just sort of milling about in the middle. You don't need to use all 750 words! If you have a short concept, be brief and to the point, especially when it can make humor punchier.

While the final line makes me smile, I think pushing this to the logical extreme would have been a better conclusion: Storm King is relieved when he learns about the toys and insists she lets it keep going, and Celestia eventually relents as part of his rehabilitation. Despite how insane it is.

My first thought when glancing at this entry was " this is just trolling ".
My second thought was "oh wait there's actually serious content in there. "
As it has already been pointed out, the encoding just made reading difficult for me. I'm not a fan of experimental stuff, I didn't even think of it as a puzzle. And it's too bad because the poem itself gives some emotions and would have been better without it.

I agree with >>Dubs_Rewatcher here. This is overly saccharine to me, and does not really jibe with my own headcanon. It’s a piece of fluff, but too fluffy for me to be palatable.

Well, the idea is nice, but I'm really not into shipping stories of any sort, so… That left me rather unconcerned. The concept is nice, but there's absolutely zero impact on me. I cannot decently penalise this fic because of a personal bias, so I'm going to put it right in the middle of my slate.

After reading the comments, I'm going to say Changeling, which to be clear was my original assumption after finishing the story and hasn't been changed (yet). I'm also going to note something that I don't think anyone brought up, that being how he's getting lighter. My interpretation is that since his parents and siblings aren't really giving him love anymore, he's effectively starving and losing body mass. However, his excitement and framing of it as becoming a more adept flyer keeps him from feeling the negative effects of that, or it simply hasn't progressed to the point where his 'love fat' has depleated enough for him to have an averse reaction.

This is a good entry, well written and with enough emotional impact at the end.
Rainbow Dahs's lack of the right term for the "not-spiky trees" was a nice touch.

>>PaulAsaran has a point. It doesn't make much sense reading a book in such conditions.
Also, the description of the weather conditions fails a bit to build tension. I'm not sure if it's because we don't know what the stakes are, or if it's some passages that drag it down, especially when describing Rainbow Dash's reactions (like the "How did I know?", the "natural resistance of pegasi to cold", and describing the snow as just "stupid and annoying"). Maybe you deliberately wanted to show that the blizzard is no big deal to her, but if so I would have expected more a "this blizzard is awesome, but I'm even more awesome" kind of thoughts.

Anyway, I may be nit-picking a bit. Overall it's a good entry for me.

>>Ranmilia
Remember also V, the series? Wasn't there a child who was half-human, half-lizard?

>>Ion-Sturm
Interesting. I hadn't thought of that. I took the weight loss as him starting to develop changeling holes in his legs.

>>Monokeras
There was! I'd forgotten about that series, and several months ago went back through the wikipedia article on it to read the episode synopses. The only bits I actually remember from watching the original series were the ones about that child being born after a difficult pregnancy, kept hidden, growing up rapidly, and developing powers.

>>Pascoite
Pasco, if you have any idea where to find the video of the mini-series that predate the true series, I'd be forever beholden to you!

I figured I'd try going after all the stories with only 2 comments, but there were 12 of those yesterday. Fortunately, people filled in overnight, and there are only 6 remaining! So I'll make sure every story has at least 3 comments.

I liked this one. There's a very real emotional conflict going on, but it suffers from lack of context.

For one, I don't know what's gone wrong with Equestria. Is it just the lack of agricultural productivity? Is Celestia's death related? It's not even said how or why she died. Unless "passed" is meant to say she went to the human world. That seems unlike her, though, as does Luna turning a deaf ear. Has she also died or gone to the human world? Why wouldn't everyone know? For that matter, I don't know what this human world is. The EqG mirror? That's my guess, when coupled with the differing passage of time, but it never says, and I can't tell from the story whether this is TCB or something else. Plus Twilight's comment about being "only human." Well, that doesn't differentiate much. It leans toward an explanation that ponies actually become human versus simply living among them. Just mentioning the mirror would have cleared all that up.

For that matter, why would AJ need to toil to feed Equestria? Here's my logic: Twilight would like all the ponies to move to Earth. If they did, Earth would have to feed them all. She obviously thinks it's capable of doing so. But if the ponies stay in Equestria and import food from Earth, they only need one year's worth of food every five years. Sure, send enough of a labor force over to produce that food, but it seems more viable when Equestria is still habitable.

The other thing that bugged me is how little we get of Apple Bloom. Does she correspond with AJ? If this is truly the only news she's gotten in a long time, I'd think she'd want to know more. And Twilight's not really correct in saying ponies would live longer there. In a relative sense, sure, but not as they experience it. A year in the human world still feels like a year.

It also glosses over all the concerns Twilight had about the human world, if indeed this is EqG, like bringing Equestrian magic there or meeting your double.

So it feels like a lot of the story's fringes unravel, but the core is a nice tale of friendship and perceived betrayal that packs a punch. Though it's interesting to note that giving AJ some space to work it out for a week just means coming back tomorrow for Twilight. Hm, wouldn't that make it so half the time you went through the mirror during the day, you'd emerge from the other side during the night? EqG never addresses that, though it's unclear they have disparate time streams at all. Most evidence points to not. Maybe this isn't EqG after all...

>>Monokeras
Sorry, I don't know of any way but to suggest the obvious ones of looking online.

I'm just a tad confused by the end. I'm guessing they're saying they can best help Fluttershy by having only one of them attend to her while the rest go out and help other sick ponies that Fluttershy otherwise would have?

A few small editing things, but nothing serious. This one has a nice, if obvious, payoff. Very show-tone and pleasant. Nothing earth-shattering, but a satisfying read. My only complaint is this: I love the characterization of Fluttershy. She can be decisive and assertive when properly motivated to, and she really takes charge here. But I'm not sure why she feels like she has to keep it secret or be the only one helping. Twilight's never mentioned as having been sick, for instance, and she'd want to help if she knew the others were. Having them all sick simultaneously is probably the only way for it to work as you have it, since if they were staggered, they'd notice each other's absences, but Twilight still should have, unless you give her an excuse as to why she was otherwise engaged. So "I'm going to help everyone out"? Check. But "I'm going to make sure nobody can help me"? Not so much. The show's played it before to where she was making a valid point, but nobody heard her, and they end up coming to the same decision as her anyway. And I'm not talking about "Bats," because that was just a terrible episode. I could see something like that happening here, where she tried to get help but couldn't get anyone's attention.

Anyway, minor thing, and this is a low-stakes but very heartwarming read. I was afraid at first when Fluttershy didn't want to talk about Dash that there was a plague going on and Fluttershy couldn't bring herself to say Dash had died and AJ probably would, too. Which is an entirely doable plot, but would require more build-up than you have, so I'm glad you didn't go that route!

I like this story concept, and it was written well, but it'd be better if there was more to it...

Wait hold on, I know what you're thinking. That's the most generic feedback you can get in minific rounds, right -- "It's a good beginning, gimme more" but I can't give you more here, the max is 750 words! put the rest of the story in the bag and no one gets hurt

what I mean is, I like the reveal at the end, and I think it could've gotten there a lot sooner. the sensory experience of Rainbow waking up is kinda nice, but the revealed idea at the end doesn't change anything when going back to read again, because the clues are all pointing towards that logical conclusion. and I get the feeling this wanted to be more of an "idea" piece, because of the slight sci-fi flavor at the end. there's a lot of directions the story could turn next, and I wanted to see which one the author would choose. "Play your cards early, it forces you to come up with new cards."

so basically, I think a lot of this nice prose could've been cut to make room for more story beats, maybe another scene, all within 750 words. "First chapters" get a little too common in minific rounds, and I don't mean to pick on this story alone for that. I'm only bringing it up here because I think this one had a lot of potential to be a great minific. Above comments say that it's common or predictable as a story, but I'd sharpen that in saying it's only a common beginning, not yet a full story. That's why reactions are so still and lukewarm.

(of course, 750 word minifics are unpublishable on FimFic, so none of this is helpful criticism for what already exists here. apologies.)

Hm. I liked this, but then it felt like it was playing things safe. It didn't really take a new angle on the cliched "I pity the villain" thing, pretty much just pushing Twilight's speech at the end of Equestria Girls to Celestia. Twilight's around, and she's gotten a crown, but Nightmare Moon never came back, Discord never freed... I'm confused by this. Did Sunset just put them back in their same imprisonments? Why? Where's Cadence? I have to agree with Ion-Sturm about murder, but specifically in the aspect that if Sunset is willing to kill Twilight, why did she merely imprison Discord and Luna?

The "I pity you" line is too convenient as well. Not only is it the most possible accepted response, it's only going to make Sunset angry, which accomplishes nothing, and it backs off from the genuine emotional appeal Celestia was making in saying she never hated Sunset. I was expecting more of an "I still love you," which would far more effectively stab into Sunset's conceptions about friendship. As it is, it's just another standard "good guy lectures the bad guy with whom he shares a history." A well-written one, to be sure, but that doesn't have anything to surprise me. I wish I could give more concrete feedback, but it's the kind of story I could have stopped reading after the first few paragraphs and lost nothing for assuming how the rest of it would play out. It's not one of those "story's in the title" ones at least, and by skipping out, a reader would be missing some nice word-crafting, but the plot goes nowhere unexpected.

Now, in the aftermath of all the cat vomit and the tornado of claws flying through the air like uncontrollable deadly razors,

this is the best part. that entire paragraph is hilarious, made me laugh out loud.

I was hoping the rest would escalate it even futher to more absurd destructive consequences, but it was kind of a letdown. not even the part with Sweetie Belle is funny enough to save it. in my own sick sense of humor.

There's a perfectly valid message here, but it isn't delivered in an efficient way. First of all, Twilight's there doing something charitable. This will immediately put the reader in her corner. So when Redheart starts chastising her about it, it makes her seem like an asshole. Plus she's coming off as way too antagonistic about it. She's more interrogating Twilight than gently leading her somewhere. If it were established that she had a history of trying to get through to Twilight on this issue, then it might justify the more aggressive approach, but as far as we know, it's her first attempt.

I'd say Twilight's just being obtuse, but the show occasionally plays her that way as well. I was actually expecting Redheart's comment of "how do you possibly have time for everyone" to lead to some explanation of how her princess magic actually makes that possible, but then I don't know if that would have been a better story. One I have no prerogative to say you should have written, in any case.

Still, the combination of an overly aggressive-sounding Redheart with a Twilight who's missing the obvious about something she's supposed to be an expert in (again, granted that she does this occasionally even in the show, but as it applies specifically to family, a recent episode had her explicitly wanting to make time for them), leaves this with an odd dissonance. There are a fair number of typos as well.

This didn't stir much in me. I didn't find the humor satisfying (maybe because I relate too much? ohgodimsolonelywhy *goes cry in a corner* ), but it's not sad either. It's just... a cold shower. Quite fitting with the prompt anyway.

I agree that the scenes felt a bit too fast. But I realize it's not easy to have three dialogue scenes in a minific.

I've already mentioned this, but I'm reading through a book of essays by well-known practitioners of flash fiction, and one of the things all the essays agree on is that flash fiction should surprise. One of the essays vehemently makes a distinction between a surprise and a twist, and I'm not sure I agree with it. I do see some wisdom in it that a twist doesn't necessarily add new meaning, and that's the kind of surprise you really want.

The language here is very nice, with only one or two slip-ups, and that's the real treat. It's not too hard to figure out what's happening early on, then once he first finds what he's looking for, there's no longer any question. Now's where I bring in the bit about the twist: It doesn't change anything. It is a surprise, but knowing who the Loremaster is doesn't add context. He's someone who has a more personal stake in the characters involved, but it doesn't make it any more painful what he does at the end, because he doesn't know her or her relationship to anyone, at least presuming this isn't the alternate timeline Starlight triggered.

I was prepared to say there's not enough background to figure out how everything got this way, but it eventually comes together. The only thing I can say on that front is there are some blocks of exposition (which are admittedly hard to avoid in a story this short, since you don't have space to spread it out) and overly expository dialogue to accomplish that.

So in addition to the twist not really mattering, the biggest issue for me is that the Loremaster's actions at the end are never painted as necessary, and there are many reasons why. First, they're going to try thawing characters out, so they don't even know if it's going to work yet. If it doesn't, there's no point in the ending. If it does, then they'll still know when it'll happen, and the antagonist is totally under their control anyway. They can move her somewhere she'll be confined, somewhere she'll stay frozen... basically, she's already incapacitated and gift-wrapped for them, so why is this necessary? And lastly, she's already shown signs of remorse. If the Loremaster truly believes in the ideals his friends would have upheld, why wouldn't he be willing to give her a chance? On principle anyway, and especially because she's likely to be receptive to it now. Or, like I said, he can wait until he sees if the thawing works on the small scale and consult them on whether it'd work on the large scale as well and what to do about her. She's not going anywhere in the interim, and once the Lightbringer returns and finds out what they did to her...

For that matter, how did everyone get caught in the freeze? Nobody noticed that diamond dogs and dragons were still around and try to find out how? And the diamond dogs and dragons never saw what was happening and reach out to any of the survivors?

Despite the elegant writing and strong description, it feels like an unjustifiably dark ending just for the sake of having a dark ending. Given more space, I'd encourage you to spend some time building up that justification. This scenario probably takes more world-building and background than 750 words can support, and scoping your story is a pretty important part of choosing what to write. This could make a great piece of longer fiction, but not so long that the reveal gets put off in a way that it's obtrusively coy--none of the characters have a motivation to avoid the topic, after all. And make it so the reveal changes my understanding of the story instead of being a fairly superficial thing.

I was really hooked by that opening. But the sudden jumps in mood were not so great. Not only did we go from lighthearted to Celestia is dying, but then we got "Twilight is the daughter" and, finally, calmness again.

In other words, it needs more in the middle to flush out those transitions.

Tier: Keep Developing.

I feel like I should care for what is going on, but, unfortunately, I didn't. And I wish I could point out the reason why.

Lack of context? I don't think it harms the piece. After all, the focus is on the emotions from the discussion, not on past events, and I believe you didn't give any context for Twi's grieve because it would have lessened the general message you tried to convey.

I can recognise a well crafted story, but I can't feel it.

Now I'm wondering if, since both Luna and Twi are immortals, they somehow have no future too.

I'm doing my tour of low count review stories, and I wish I could add something else, but >>Dubs_Rewatcher and >>Orbiting_kettle have pretty much said it all.
Subtlety is the key for me, so I can only reafirm to get rid of that last line.

Also, I'm not sure what present tense really add here, and that's genuine question. Anyone with the beginning of an answer, please tag me.

The only thing left to say is that I'm intrigued to see an extended version of this. You have a great potential here, make it worth.

Cf before. I’m not into shipping, to me this story has no value. It’s well written, the prose is nice, but the subject does not and never will grab me. I’m going to abstain.

I’ve not seen the movie, I don’t get it. This is not super-well written, as Andrew points out, it’s a bit overstretched in the middle, but most of all it hardly makes any sense to me. Except that this seems to be some sort of voodoo magic. But that doesn’t save the story in my eyes. If you write stories based on external references, expect those who are unfamiliar to them to be lost and therefore consider your story bland.

The snow bit into my fur, the feeling of sharp needles poking me prevalent in my mind. I really don’t like the way this sentence is phrased. Too bad it’s the hook…

Daring Do ran as hard as she could with the limited vision she had, her clothes wet and dragging from all the rain that was falling. Isn't that a comma splice?

Anyways. Interesting premise, but I don’t see why RD has chosen the worst possible weather conditions to visit a sleeping Tank that will not awake for a couple of months. As PaulAsaran points out, this seems at best moronic, at worse like a suicide attempt.

The story in itself needs to be balanced. The first third fourths are really RD plodding through the tempest, and only in the last quarter we learn why and she does something interesting. So yeah, I'd suggest cutting heavily the first section and beefing the end.

Nopony had yet reached the North Pole—until today. From the west, Non sequitur. There is no west at the north pole, only south.

It's okay. Reminiscent in some ways of TLoTR. Funny. Prose is fair but I agree with what is pointed out before. Especially the two associates that sound like Flim and Flam.

Dialogue and action are snappy, though.

Not too bad.

Nice story. The entire suicide bit feels a bit jarringly dark to me, but overall it's not bad and pretty cute at the end. Bonus points for it not ending up as a slash-fic, no matter what those poor, poor deluded souls above might say.

I'm afraid I'm with >>Fenton. I am, at best, confused. At worst I am annoyed, because I know that I'm missing something critical, something that should be making me go 'wow'. It's not the lack of context, it's a lack of personal connection, and I feel it is not the fault of the story or it's author. The fault lies in me.

I think.

I'm not sure.

And that's why I am so annoyed.

Now this was interesting. But I found it neither creepy nor horrifying, which I assume was the goal. Since we're only seeing things from Twilight's perspective, we're not really 'getting' the problem in all its dark glory. I imagine having someone like Spike watching the changes and trying to stop it might have made this a more fascinating read.

Still, this will be high in my rating. It has all the elements of the Weird that I adore, it just needs proper expansion to get the atmosphere right.

Laid back. Whimsical. All in all, not bad if you're interested in a pleasant, simple affair. That said, I doubt this will have much presence in the Writeoff in general because, let's face it, it doesn't do much of anything.

My only criticism as far as the writing goes is that some things should have been clearer. I had to reread the first two paragraphs several times to understand what the 'fire' was all about, and I had to re-read the end several times to figure out where the 'deluge of cake' was coming from.

Strong voices really go a long way in making a slice-of-life like this work. Wonderful job with the characterization--it really does make the story and the interactions sweet. Nicely done!

That being said, I think the story's greatest weakness is that essentially, nothing happens. We are introduced to a scenario and a set of characters, but nothing about them changes by the end. No one learns anything, loses anything, or gains anything (outside of that bowl of apple soup). I think slice-of-life purists will very much enjoy this little snippet of Spike and Twilight's life, but a lot of your other readers might have trouble with finding substance, here.

This is a very, very cool idea. I don't think I've yet seen this particular flavor of the premise before, so kudos to you for being creative. Color me jealous. :P

Still, I have to be a bit honest and say on a whole, I'm not sure if this does its job. I'm a firm believe that a story isn't just an idea alone, no matter how interesting that idea is. And when we look at this story, there are really no character beats or story points that we couldn't assume from the premise alone (Dash being confused, Twilight being relieved). I feel like even one more sentence of story that gives us an impression of Dash's reaction could really go a long way, especially if that reaction is unexpected. I mean, what if it turns out that after thinking it over, Dash is pretty cool with it? Or she could resent Twilight, or anything else.

My point is, I think a story at a basic level needs to state something about the characters or about life in general, so I wholeheartedly encourage you to make full use of this intriguing premise that you've set up! Of the many Writeoff stories I've read, this is definitely one of the ones that I think would benefit the most from being rewritten into a longer story, so I highly recommend doing so.

I expected something cute, lighthearted, and silly. Not... not this

It's a character piece. Well, actually, a character scene. And it really shows the power that even a tiny gesture of care can do. I'd love to say more about this, but I don't wanna tear the sweetness apart.

Tier: Strong.

Hmmm, I'm not sure I would define the theme here as immortality angst, as I think the Angsty part is missing. The immortality and constancy is presented as a fact, a state of being that simply is, with the brief glimpses of joy and love being treasured and celebrated. It may seem horrible to us, and yet Celestia seems to be, if not fine, at least accepting of the condition most of the time. It is never said if her silent scream comes from being surprised, in pain, or from despair.

This is an interesting story that is slightly uncomfortable to read. I'm still on the fence if this is a feature or a bug. It communicates the passing of time well, and the repetition is, if not surprising, certainly emotionally effective, driving the point (or a point, considering there could be different readings of the story) home pretty well. On the other hand, it is difficult to truly wrap one's mind around an idea with so few anchors to what we know, to grok what's happening. Which, according to a certain interpretation of the piece, may be exactly how it should be.

Long story short, I liked this a lot.

It still needs some editing and polishing. There are a couple of issues there and some repetition that could go. I think also making the points of light more luminous without extending them too much could improve the improve the impact on the reader.

You have powerful, if a bit raw, stuff here in an engaging format. Thank you for having it written.

>>Pascoite

Pascoite I have to disagree with you regarding the writing. The language here is florid, yes, but clunky. The third paragraph literally goes dialogue-narrative-dialogue-narrative-dialogue-narrative-dialogue. I love what the first sentence is trying to say, but parsing it was a nightmare.

And, come on, "oft-repeated enough"? Whilst?

There's an interesting story here but I think the author got too wrapped up in trying to make it sound pretty.

Like the others, I'm wondering who the narrator is supposed to be. Some lines suggest it's Starlight, but others contradict and say it's Twilight, while others again suggests it could be a fourth party.

That's a shame because the rest is great. I've started to like Trixie since her reformation with Starlight (seriously, No Second Prances has the best meme faces) and this entry delves her character a little more. But without a solid grasp on who's talking, this falls just short from being a top slater.

Thank you for sharing nonetheless.

For what I understand, the monster erase memories of anyone approaching it. That's a kinda neat idea, but as >>PaulAsaran and >>Monokeras mentionned, more then the first half is describing what happened and what's the situation. At the time we arrive at the end, we didn't have time to connect with BonBon, so anything that could happen to her don't really get us invested.

My suggestion would be to add BonBon's POV throughout the whole first half. Tell us how she feels and reacts to everything, thus the ending will definitely be stronger.

>>Cold in Gardez Eh, different people have different tolerances for this. It didn't feel overblown to me beyond being expository. And "whilst"? To a Brit, that's a completely ordinary word. They use that preferentially over "while" as a matter of course, and it wouldn't stand out to them. I took this as a British author.

>>Pascoite

No less an authority on British English than the Cambridge Dictionary of English Grammar had this to say:

"While is much more common than whilst, and whilst sounds more formal"

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/linking-words-and-expressions/while-and-whilst

I have no idea what's going on here, but I love that first paragraph. I'd take out the "To be honest," though. That's a little hackneyed and it sounds just as good without it.

Gonna echo what others said about the 17th being great. Some others were surprisingly profound.

Gah. Sorry I couldn’t finish that. :( I can't palate the prose. It seems to be only structured as “A, B”. While this may convey a sort of monotony, it’s also boring as hell. What’s a Flanklin? Why “he/him”, what does that refer to?

Really, the chanting prose combined with what Bachi rightly calls ultra-low stake made me quit. Sorry, author.

>>Caliaponia

Echoing this, the first sentence was a nightmare to read and understand. The section "that she had not just been set on fire upon" is 10 words of three or four letters, and they form a jumble of excess mush.

The rest was pretty nonsensical, but that's actually a pretty good way to write Pinkie.

>>Cold in Gardez
Dunno what to tell you. I'm just going on how often I see it used casually in stories by British authors, in decidedly lowbrow British magazines, in Discord chat by folks like Blueshift, and by conversations with British writers within the fandom who say they use "whilst" exclusively.

This is a tough one to interpret. I think I'm slightly more convinced that this is Twilight speaking, but I can also see it as Starlight. Why doesn't this have a huge debate like that entry about the bug wings? There's evidence either way, and this might be another similar case where even if the truth isn't certain, what's more important is which version makes for the more interesting story.

Is it about Starlight feeling an unspoken gap between her and Trixie, despite their close relationship? Though they seem to understand each other very well, trying to overcome a past "wicked life", Starlight seems to keep getting the better end of the deal while Trixie continues suffering. Starlight sees resentment and self-deprecation in Trixie's actions.

Or is it about Twilight, seeing how her path diverged from Trixie's much further back in the past. Twilight seemed to have every good privilege line up for her, while Trixie is falling into a spiral of forever despising her rival. Maybe in another timeline they could've been friends, and not opposite sides of a coin. And this is where the title comes in, if lucky Twilight hadn't existed, maybe none of this bad luck would've been dumped on Trixie.

there's a few hints here and there, like "instructor" or "forgiven" or "still a friend" or "gifted and wise" which could apply to either pony in different amounts. it's a wash.

Getting back to that in a second, there's something about the flashy style of this writing. I don't know if it's considered a free-verse poem or anything like that, but it does have this clear effect when I read it, like each sentence is carefully considered and crafted, each line delivered with clear solemnity. Kinda self-important of the narrator, sure. Whether it's pretentious or not depends on how it's used to serve the story.

The style creates this feeling of great distance from Trixie. Sympathetic, yet talking down to her. and this really creeps me out if I read it as Starlight's voice, because it feels so unfitting for her. It's not the voice of a pony who was once quite close to her and wishes to heal the wounds that opened between them. The distant tone of the piece makes me think of Twilight, someone who never was (and never will be) close to Trixie, and expresses that sorrow. Again, I think the title is steering the story in this direction. It's not Starlight feeling a mix of warmth and coldness over her shared time with a friend, it's about Twilight feeling that she's caused nothing but pain to Trixie. If it can never be repaired, she wishes she was never there, for Trixie's sake.

I say it's Twilight. Even though both interpretations make for great emotional stories, the Twilight one is amplified by the style powerfully, while Starlight's is too dissonant. I like to believe it's an author's deliberate decision, not a lucky accident.

It didn't get the point of this story. Yes, Twilight is avoiding family, and then she has a character development, but it's not clear enough.
Twilight and the nurse seem a bit off-character. All the reasoning and interrogation of Redheart seems inappropriate for her. Pretending to be everypony's friend and in the same way, no matter what, and spending 10 hours reading to foals doesn't fit with Twilight to me. After all, it's not like she treats Trixie or Iron Will the same way as other ponies, and the long parchment listing all the princess stuff to do is a recurrent trope in the show.

I think the story could be improved with more showing instead of telling. Make Redheart silently notice that Twilight comes more and more often to the hospital. Make her tell Twilight out of courtesy that she doesn't have to stay that long. Show the reader (and Redheart) Twilight's nervous reaction at the thought of leaving. Redheart (and the reader) should slowly understand what's wrong with Twilight by observing more than by interrogating and only then confront her so that we can have Twilight's development.

Wait... Tungsten fought against Nightmare Moon? Ok I guess I completely misunderstood everything.

It's a good poem and the curator's notes are a nice touch. I can't judge on the poetry, but as far as I can tell there's good quality and I enjoyed it.

This was... interesting.
Nice concept, and well structured. I agree with >>Fenton, there should have been at least one scene in a future Equestria before jumping into space, so that it gives more a sense of escalation.

super colliding super blackholes

That typo made me laugh. They're not just colliding, they're super colliding.

The concept is a nice departure from the regular Immortality Angst fare as >>Haze said, and the implications are delicious. In addition, this story has a rare quality: it works perfectly at its current length, or could be expounded upon and made into an epic and not loose anything. Whereas I keep finding a lot of stories here being grander concepts that aren't exactly best suited to the constraints of minific, this story is just as poignant now as I imagine it would be at a longer length. Obvious benefits come from the expansion of it, but this little tidbit has the perfectly distilled essence of the idea.

Great job, author.

Yeah, I'm just going to reiterate what others have said: the message of the story is great, the technical construction is fluid and succinct and overall very solid, but the presentation comes off as... surreal. Doesn't really feel like Twilight is speaking in a lot of places, and I can hardly imagine Twilight giving "I just didn't feel like it" as an excuse for anything, even as a poor lie.

Overall a good concept and construction, the presentation just needs a reworking.

Can't really say much that hasn't already been said. This story was written impeccably and the first comment states everything that needs to be done with it once the contest is over. Very satisfying and enjoyable, easily shooting up to the very top of my slate.

It could use some expanding, I think. Just enough to really flesh out the characters.

And, well, basically what >>Dubs_Rewatcher said.

Tier: Pretty good.

Beautiful little snapshots into Fluttershy’s life. The haikus were incredibly descriptive; I actually had a decent idea what happened this October in Ponyville, at least from Fluttershy's view. Oct 13 was the perfect little surprise in the story, an inconsequential yet daring act of rebellion that I’m sure Fluttershy still hesitated before writing

Great poetry, great character study.

Well, this one has been done to death, so I doubt I have anything to add that hasn't already been said. I liked it in general, with the little profundities and the occasional nonsense. The problem is that I feel something far deeper and more complex could have been done with this idea.

Oh, heck. The feels.

There are two things I can think of to change; 1) add a bit more to Trixie's character, and 2) clean it up a bit. Other than that, this is good.

Tier: Pretty good.

I'll put it simply. I did not care while reading this, at all.

This is because, mostly, I had no clue who the hell Poindexter was. I had to google it. Other than that, it just went too fast. You didn't give any character time to shine. It feels like you went for quantity, not quality. Now, I know it may feel I'm being really harsh, but that's because I like the idea. I want to make this better. The only way to do that, however, is point out its flaws.

Tier: Keep developing!

This is a story that belongs in my What Lies in a Moment collection. It's all about taking a non-important, simple time, without the noise and action and drama of a typical story, and turning the scene itself into a project. And for that, I highly approve. I think people should write scenes like these on occasion, just for the sake of practicing prose.

That being said, I agree with others that the low-stakes nature of the story will probably keep it from garnering a high rank for this writeoff in the long run.

I am... so confused. I have no clue, at all, what's going on.

Abstain.

Well, that was certainly grim. All in all, I approve, although it took me a while to realize we weren't in Canterlot castle. Or are we? I can't tell, because if this is a NMM story, they should in theory be among at the castle in the Everfree, but there were no ponies around there for Spike & co. to have to walk around. But if they are in Canterlot, then NMM must have inexplicably come back, and I have a very hard time buying that at face value.

I also very briefly thought this was going to be a Fallout: Equestria story, since there's a far greater Lightbringer in that than Celestia could ever dream of being. More importantly, it strikes me as a bit gimmicky that Spike would refer to Celestia as a 'Lightbringer' instead of her name, especially considering he knew her personally and it does him no service to refer to her as such.

But most important to me: why did it take so long for them to get here? It's apparent that Spike is older now. If the onset of ice was so sudden, why is he not frozen? If dragonfire can melt the ice, why didn't they do this right away?

As much as I like this idea, I feel that there are far too many unanswered questions. It's not the concept that is flawed, but the manner of its delivery. If this had been written in a fashion as to mitigate these concerns (and any that I'm not noticing) and keep things within established bounds, then it would have been far higher on my list.

Very strongly written, very complete and satisfactory character arc. For whatever reason though, I didn't really... gel with Starlight. I didn't feel her. I guess this is another classic case of just wanting a lot more from a minific than is reasonable, so I won't rank you down for that.

Very good job, there's no other way to describe the story other than "solid".

It's so... cozy. I love it. I don't think there's anything to change about it.

Also, if this makes it to Fimfic, I know one guy I'm rec-ing it to.

Tier: Top Contender.

Oh heck. Why did I get so many like this on my slate?

I'm afraid I'll have to echo what >>Haze and >>Bachiavellian said. Combine their comments and you got my reaction.

Tier: Pretty good.

>>FrontSevens basically said it all.

Slightly above mid-tier, I believe.

What really bothers me is the ABABCC pattern of rhyme.

Anyway, the way you combined poetry and standard prose is, in all honesty, amazing. The only way I can think to improve this one is to work on the poetry pieces. Can you make the rhymes a bit more... rhyme-y? Can you change the odd feeling pattern? Etc, etc.

Tier: Top Contender.

Damn, that was good. The only thing I can think of is to add more, as it feels kinda short. I really hope this goes onto Fimfic.

Tier: Top contender.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
That was my reading too, that the ponies didn't realize (and were horrified when they found out) what they were doing. I think the last line was the "cold comfort" part of the fic.

Makes for a sad but powerful story, IMHO.

This one would be top-slate material for me if it felt like all of the poems were as good as the good ones. A number really contribute to the overall effect of a chronicle of passing time, offering simple observations that seek to crystallize a moment; as noted last round, poetry is the perfect format for that sort of extreme (and slightly fragmentary) brevity. In the early stretch, for example, Oct. 2 and 4 and 6 offer up moments from her life: taking a walk, watching a butterfly migration, observing a flight race. The cumulative effect of those things paints an effective picture of the narrator's interests and longings, along with a nice dose of wabi-sabi that makes good use of the choice of form.

There's an unevenness here, though, that feels like it's holding it back. This seems overly fond of a sort of "punchline" structure that doesn't really suit the observation-of-a-moment of your better haikus:

Oct 1
. Ground shivers and shakes
Under a orange red blanket,
. Running of the Leaves

Setup, setup, punchline. This makes the entire poem about how it props up the last line -- placing the focus on the explanation of the phenomenon rather than the phenomenon itself, which is exactly the opposite of where you want to place your focus. (Stated another way: you're going "show, show, tell" and the strength of the form relies on showing.) I think that particular one would have been much stronger if you'd redone the last line as pure description in line with the Running of the Leaves, e.g. "Then hooves thunder by". The context of the footrace would still be there, but the reader is left with the sensory impression rather than a dry explanation.

October 3 suffers similarly (setup/setup/punchline into the telly "respite for chickens" rather than a description of the chickens' reactions). October 5 just feels weird, because it's obviously about Rainbow Dash (and Applejack?) doing things Fluttershy doesn't do, and it's narrated in the same observations-of-the-author-who-is-there-experiencing-those-things fashion, but there's no indication of a change in authorship. October 7 is fine in isolation, but it isn't setting the same tone as the stronger, showier poems; and while some wandering in tone is alright, possibly even preferable, you do that same character focusing more effectively on days like Oct. 13 while still contributing to the overall aesthetic described above.

More like 2, 12, 18, 24, 28, please. Still, author, great job hitting as many high points as you did, even if the unevenness left me dissatisfied.

>>Pascoite >>JudgeDeadd >>Dubs_Rewatcher >>regidar
I'm pretty confident that the point of the 13th was that Fluttershy had tea-time with Discord. The shift in line structure was a nod to that, but wasn't itself the point.

Tier: Strong

This one's only got three reviews, so let's chip in.

Unfortunately, I've got a very similar confusion to >>Pascoite re the ending. I do appreciate that you're trying to go beyond simply the "Fluttershy was taking care of all of them simultaneously" reveal -- I noted the tell in the first scene, and by the time Fluttershy wasn't in the cafe I had figured it out already -- but the twist/punchline of the ending is just leaving me grasping at straws. What does Fluttershy worry about? My immediate conclusion from the rest of the story was that she's trying to self-sacrifice so her friends can rest in comfort, but I can't square that with Rarity's rejection of Twilight's idea of taking shifts, and I especially can't square that with Rarity's explanation that others have colds too. I can't read the implication of what Rarity's suggesting they do, or why; context suggests that Rarity wants them all to visit Fluttershy simultaneously, but that directly seems to contradict the "she's not the only one with a cold" bit -- shouldn't they be splitting up to help the other ponies out, then?

Still, you've got some strong moments here even if I don't understand what you're trying to do. The setup and reveal of Fluttershy's sacrifice is strong, and nicely showtone. (I was afraid that this was leading to a twist ending of Fluttershy being a plague vector and everyone she cared for dying, and relieved that wasn't the case.) Good dialogue and voicing.
It does seem odd that this is Fluttershy, though, because we've seen this exact plot before with Rarity generosity-ing herself into the ground; that might want a little more lampshading?

Tier: Almost There

>>Haze

This is a tough one to interpret. I think I'm slightly more convinced that this is Twilight speaking, but I can also see it as Starlight. Why doesn't this have a huge debate like that entry about the bug wings?

That's an interesting compare and contrast, and worth talking about, because that's at the heart of why I think that Cymothoa Exigua is a stronger story. With that one, the question under debate is the nature of the horror -- and since it's a horror story, and the unseen thing in the dark is scarier than the monster in the light, that ambiguity enhances (even if unintentionally) what the piece is going for. At the very least, not knowing the answer to that question doesn't stand in the way of the piece's power and meaning: we can still read it as a tale about a protagonist undergoing terrifying and poorly understood changes, and the disconnect between the abstract horror of the experience and the naivete of the protagonist seeing it as the answer to a wish.

Here, though, the meaning of the piece is tied up in the question of who the narrator is. If this is Starlight, canonically Trixie's bestie, then this is a tragedy about Trixie being isolated even from her closest friends. If this is Twilight, this is an entirely different tragedy, about Trixie -- who might very well be happy -- being examined by an unreliable narrator who can't get through to her and is caught up in their own thing. I don't know who to feel sorry for!

I'm also not sure the formatting here pulls its own weight. Others have talked about it as a splitting-the-difference-between-poetry-and-prose effect, but this is straight-up prose, just clipped prose that relies on short, punchy sentences for emphasis.

The problem is, it's like taking a highlighter and highlighting every single line on a page -- if everything is emphasized equally, then nothing is, it's just presented in a way that makes it a fatiguing read. In a previous round somewhere, Cold in Gardez (I think?) had a great analysis of how the contrast of short and long paragraphs could draw attention to specific parts of your writing; I wish I had an easy link. The tl;dr was that the sort of abbreviation you're doing here is like a punch to the face; save it for when you want the reader to remember a specific line or get hit by a particular moment.

So, yeah. In between the reading fatigue of that repeated short-sentence face-punching and my struggle to find the emotional core of the piece amid the narrator ambiguity, I'm afraid this particular experiment didn't land for me. Still, I commend you for trying something different; that's how we push our boundaries and grow.

Tier: Needs Work

I like the conflict here. and I like the general tone of the whole story. It's nice that this world does feel sad, but not oppressively bleak.

But I'm sorry to say that I kinda bounced off of this one. I think about half of the reason is those first two paragraphs. First impressions are everything in a minific, and it really steals the wind out of an setting-based story's sails when you start out with an info dump like that. IMHO, you absolutely need to find a way to integrate this information better.

The other half is that the crux of the conflict itself feels a bit flimsy to me. Applejack seems like she's being stubborn for the sake of being "the stubborn one." It honestly feels cliche to me how she goes with the "this is my home, and I won't leave" song and dance. If we had a little more time to make an emotional connection, I can buy into it, but the fact that I was probably already a bit emotionally distant from the infodump opening made it tough to sympathize. Twilight's arguments also feel a little bit weird. I mean, she obviously did not notice the time difference, but she keeps bringing living longer as a plus. I know singling this out is a bit knit-picky, but when you're trying to sell a chronic argument between characters that canonically have a literally magical friendship, you need to make sure that every little argument feels solid.

I definitely think that we need a lot more than a minific's worth of time in this universe. There are a lot of hints to interesting things (Luna, time-dilation, Apple Bloom) that are ripe for character exploration and conflict, but I don't think 750 words is enough to make them feel like they've payed off.

There is a lot of ambition here, which honestly is a breath of fresh air with the slate that I've had.Pacing-wise, this story is just about perfect--it uses the minfic word count to its advantage, which is deceptively difficult to pull off.

Still, this was another story I had a fair bit of trouble connecting to. I know that as a reader, I tend to put a particularly heavy focus on character voicing, and it just feels kinda off, here. To me, Sunset's dialogue doesn't sound like herself. I'm not sure why, though, since I have never really gone in-depth with the EQG universe (I've only seen each movie once apiece, and I don't actively seek out EQG fiction). I know that it may be your intention to make Sunset feel different, but in my opinion, to pull that off, you need to give us a concrete emotional reason for the change in characterization. The fact that Sunset is already burning and pillaging Equestria is a big enough departure from her character that the reader needs to get used to.

Similarly, Celestia doesn't quite feel like she's on point to me either. Most of her characterization feels like her spitting out platitudes without any real stake in what's going on around her, until the last line. I agree with >>Pascoite that Celestia holding the moral high ground is not as emotionally effective as if she had still displayed vulnerability.

I know that "work on your characterization" is pretty vague and frustrating advice, but it is the weakest link here, in my opinion. Like I said earlier, I'm already in love with the scope and the pacing of this story. If the characters were firing on all their cylinders, I think it can be that much better.

Someone who hasn't seen the movie is going to read this and then be very, very confused later.

There's mention of a lonely throne, didn't the Sisters' castle have two? So I assumed it was Canterlot and this was set after the show, with Luna suffering from some unexplained relapse. Though an alternate ending to the pilot might make more sense.

Well, um, this is certainly an experiment.

I think the core idea has promise! I'm afraid I can't muster more than faint praise for the execution though. >>Monokeras's interpretation that this is being offered in this format in order to show us Luna's mental state is interesting, but I don't think that's the whole story -- there's the meta starting paragraph, and there's the fact that the Luna character in the story seems to be largely lucid except for the flashback at the end. Some elements, such as the in medias res start and the fragmentary nature of her memory, do seem to support that interpretation, though, and it might be worth preserving those bits while cleaning up the error-riddled dictation presentation if the goal is to get inside Luna's head. (I'd also put it into first person Luna if you're trying to have form reflect mental state -- although you might be able to get away with having the narrator be Nightmare Moon if you do it this way, and drop a twist at the end where you shift from "she" to "I".)

Note colon literal colon colon literal colon colon colon capital T this was dictated to the machine and was not edited for the sake of submitting.

... Your speech dictation software interprets "colon" as the word "colon" but interprets "period" as "."?

And, uh, were you actually trying to write "Note colon: colon: colon colon This", or were you repeating yourself there, or what? What's with the occasional dangling "center"s; is this an attempt to justify the text? Why would your text-to-speech randomly capitalize "Breeze", "Chambers", "Magic", "Damage" etc.? In other words, despite the conceit here that this was dictated-not-written, there seem to be plenty of textual tells that this is an author conceit. At which point I have to question what it adds to the story. You're forcibly inserting a narrator character who has nothing to do with the core royal-sisters story you're telling; the narrator doesn't have a character arc or add anything that I would personally consider stylistically or dramatically valuable. Indeed, if the goal was to illustrate a character's disjointed mental state, drawing attention to a third-party narrator kinda gets in the way, which is why I made the NMM-as-narrator suggestion above; that would at least tie your gimmick back into your core story.

Moving from the structure to the story -- it seems like it kind of gets stuck in the "Not now", which seems like an odd choice. (What's unique about the current moment that Celestia is both treating Luna as reasonable, and also trying to delay reconciliation? Why would she withhold context?) Also, this appears to imply some sort of post-S1 relapse rather than the original NMM attack or the historic one -- the damage is clearly fresh rather than 1000 years old, but Luna's disorientation (and the lack of Elements) doesn't square with her on-screen S1E2 defeat.

In short, this raises a lot of questions that its answer doesn't answer. I hope writing this out helped get some of its ideas aligned in your mind, author; it's worth taking this from outline to first draft, and seeing how it holds up as a (possibly more traditional, or at least heavily edited to be in line with your presentation goals) story.

Tier: Keep Working

I think this is really nice. It's not doing anything groundbreaking with its characters, but there's definitely enough emotional grit here to make it feel like it means something.

To me, your biggest issue is probably the hook. Your two opening lines are great, but then the next few hundred words feel a bit like filler. The reader doesn't really have a solid idea about where the story's heading, even after Discord shows up. When they finally start talking about their issues in earnest, things pick right back up again, but that still leaves a bit of deadspace in the beginning and middle. Try to consistently give your reader a reason to keep reading, even at the risk of showing your hand a bit early. It's very important for the reader to get a feel of the direction of a minific ASAP, so don't be too subtle with your roadsigns.

Okay, everyone's got at least four now. I can go to bed and rest easy. :P

Absolutely beautiful. I can understand why not everyone likes poetry, but this gets all the kudos from me.

>>moonwhisper
"’Til I must face the Nightmare’s might,
Your heartless rite, your heart less right,
But tearful, stricken down in flight,
I fall like heavy stone."

This would be very much shooting for an SCP antimemetics division vibe, if that was a thing which existed. (I'm linking because those are great stories worth reading; I'm going to try not to judge this in comparison, though.) I'm not sure that's possible to achieve in 750 words.

Agreed with the suggestions of others above. We get precious little emotional impact, partly because of the enforced brevity and partly because this keeps retreating the ground of everything being blanked out rather than focusing on what it means to the character whose head we're in.

Also, if everyone related to the monster-hunting is being systematically erased, how come it's Lyra missing in the final photograph, rather than Bon-Bon herself? Wouldn't ponies unrelated to the mission -- such as the janitor -- be left intact?

Tier: Almost There

It took me a second read, but I like this.

Some of the dialog can be confusing; sometimes it's answering a question from before instead of reacting to the last line, or responding to what was unsaid instead of what was said. However, on rereading I realized that made it feel organic; less like a written conversation than a spoken one. Which is kind of interesting, even if I was left confused on the first read.

As others have said, this fits a quite admirable arc in its space. And yet, like >>regidar, I'm not feeling it connect.

I think my main hesitation is how this seems to be explicitly setting itself up as prequel/backstory for Starlight (and Luna), but the arc of the story is a hurt/comfort fic, and that means that the biggest emotional beat relies on selling the comfort angle. The more effectively you do that, however, the more squarely you put this at odds with canon, in which both of the protagonists became villains due to their isolation. Is this an AU in which the entire MLP universe's plotline is averted because these two found each other? If so, this needs a lot more signposting than it currently has (i.e., zero).

That said, I do want to specifically commend you for the reuse of the clover, which I thought was strong use of theme and imagery.

This is another case, by the way, where I thought that it was building up to a dark twist, like "the Nightmare responds to Starlight and starts whispering to her in her dreams, reinforcing the isolation and setting up her villainous break". Unlike the other story where I expected that, I was a little taken aback by the happy ending here, exactly because of that canon disconnect. You'd pretty much have to upend your story to take it in that direction, so I don't know that I can recommend that as a change, but it might make for an interesting alternate take on your setup here.

Anyway, regardless of my disconnection with the story, it works on its own internal logic, with good use of its space as well as imagery and prose. I'm going to be putting it near the top of my prelims slate, out of proportion to my actual enjoyment, because I don't feel like I should be docking it for external factors. That said, I do strongly urge you to figure out a way to square it with canon, because its quality as fanfiction feels much more fragile than its quality as a story for the reasons I give above.

Tier: Strong

This is another one that's edging up toward the top of my slate, and author, I'd like to state for the record that I think this story is being underrated.

"Grimdark for the sake of grimdark" doesn't strike me as a terribly useful critique in general, but that seems to be the biggest objection being levied here. I think I see where commenters are going with that -- perhaps that the story doesn't have the gravitas to support its angst -- but I'm going to have to disagree, for one big reason and a couple of small ones. And that big reason comes back to the reason the cleaning pony is there: the suicide.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Yes, this can look on the surface like a protagonist pity-fest, since we only ever see one pony in the story, but I think a deliberate compare-and-contrast is being drawn that gives this a lot more depth than "omgz race slavery sux". (Also, it does; does the obviousness of that fact make the tragedy here worthy of dismissal?) I mean, the suicide isn't a throwaway element -- the entire emotional arc of the back half of the story is the protagonist considering suicide himself and ... perhaps not rejecting it so much as being distracted from it, but at least walking away alive. That's a pretty big statement (and I think is the deeper plot which >>Dubs_Rewatcher wasn't seeing).

I think this also hits some themes that are only rarely touched upon in pony fanfic, not least of which is the idea of Cutie Mark manipulation/removal as a tool of social control. It would be great to see more of that, obviously, as well as some kind of backstory for how ponykind got there from here, but I think the story's arc works without those and so I'm not gonna ding it for the 750-word curse that everyone here suffers.

That said, this could certainly be strengthened around the edges, and >>AndrewRogue has excellent suggestions for refinement with which I agree.

Tier: Strong

Oh boy, I don't think I can add anything that wasn't already said. I'm going to, then, just say to expand it. Maybe into a full novel. Heck, I would read the Tartarus of that novel if you wrote it. So, on a basic, three-word level, I love it.

Tier: Top Contender.

I've been busy as a tit all week, so I haven't had the time or the sense of hope for the future necessary to take pleasure and find meaning in one's life to get through anything beyond my slate. But I did read my slate, and I'm gonna try and hammer out some reviews before the prelims end.

First up is, uh. First. 'S neat. Fits with the themes and the lore of the show. Chilling (hurr) in language and execution. I dig it. However:

>>Dubs_Rewatcher

Gearbox and Highball seem like expys of Flim and Flam.

I disagree, because Flim and Flam at least have character traits that make them entertaining to read about. The author did what they could with the characters, given the word limit, but they ultimately feel interchangeable and forgettable.

Language, plot, and tone are this story's strengths, however. I think it nails those elements.

I give it eight starving windigos out of ten.

>>horizon

If this is Starlight, canonically Trixie's bestie

That's a funny way to spell "girlfriend."

While evocative and sweet (especially if you subscribe to the interpretation that this is Glimmyglam speaking), it doesn't take advantage of the format it's going for enough to make it stand out. The vagueness of the POV character, too, holds it back.

Eight bags of salted nuts out of a possible ten.

This is... sort of amusing? I read it as a parody of grimdark Halloween stories, and it kinda succeeds at being that (especially given all the grimdark, Halloween-y stories I'm seeing on my slate), but it's also paying tribute to Poe in a weird way that comes across as half-baked to me. It's torn between being pony parody, and Poe parody (ponody vs. Poerody?), and that split focus means that that it doesn't fully succeed at being either.

It still made me smirk, though, so I'd give it eight flaky pie crusts out of a possible ten.

... how come Flim and Flam are speaking in zebra rhyming-cant? :rainbowhuh:

...In which Fluttershy makes pasta. And that's about it.

I love slice of life, but I prefer slice of life stories that have some substance or meaning underneath the everyday minutiae of pony routine. This is just... Fluttershy making pasta. It's lovely, but it doesn't feel like it signifies anything.

Eight broken, fragmented strands of uncooked angel hair pasta out of ten.

...What?

Oh, okay. It's encoded. And >>QuillScratch, who I am now convinced is Nicholas Cage, cracked the code.

...What?

I don't get it. As with the previous story I reviewed, it's lovely, experimental, and ambitious, but I don't know what it's supposed to signify. Someone wronged Flurry Heart somehow? And wrote a poem with an encoded apology? Who was this, Daring Do? Twilight? Did Twilight fuck up and write an apology to Flurry Heart in the most obtuse, overcomplicated way possible?

Because that would be in character for her.

Eight ENIGMA machines out of ten.

Well, sheesh, that got me in the feels.

The specifics of the situation surrounding the pony undertaker, and their choice of occupation, confuse me. And I agree with the previous comments that it took too long to explain itself to the reader.

But in terms of tone and plot, this is probably the most eerie, Halloween-y story on my slate. I gotta give it props for that.

Eight maggoty pony corpses out of ten.

Cute, with just enough of a hint of something deeper and more complicated to keep me thinking about it (Twilight has some uncertainty regarding her relationship with Dashie, and her sense of self-worth?). And there's a TwiDash shipper deep down on my heart that enjoys being pandered to once in a while.

I give this eight hardcore preening sessions out of ten.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher Same. I mean, the part about the anticlimax; I was pretty sure that Applejack wasn't crapping apples out of her spinal column.

It's cute, but kinda one-note. I give it eight mutated flu viruses out of ten.

I can't help feeling like this was specifically crafted in response to the prose/poetry controversy of previous pony rounds. If that was the case, then bravo, author, you succeeded quite well at mixing prose and poetry to tell your story.

On reflection, I really enjoy how the ending recontextualizes the rest of the story. Until the end, there's nothing in here that says to me "oh, they're trying to cure Discord." Then Discord's brought in, and the hints at bizarre imagery come into sharper focus.

It's a subversion of witchy, Halloween-y stories, using Halloween-y imagery and ideas, and ultimately pulling the rug out from under them at the end. I can get on board with that.

Eight four-sided triangles out of ten.

I lack the strength, and the bravery, to properly parse this.

Abstain.

If you imagine that the narrator is Discord, then this is actually really great.

Otherwise, it's... a collection of goofy memes. Entertaining to read about, but the joke itself is pretty shallow.

Eight Discords in sweaters out of ten.

Another abstention. I haven't seen the movie, and am avoiding media based on it until I have.

Well, that was a hoot and a holler. Time to make like Glimmer and do inappropriate things while eating ice cream.

EDIT: I am not going to do either of those things.

You know what we haven't done in a while? Mashups! And since we're only eight hours from the end of prelims, no time like the present!

---

My Little Poe: The Movie: The Fix-Fic -- To be honest, the thought that Rainbow Dash could have murdered Pinkie Pie was always ludicrous. It would take an army of pirates, mages, sirens, and four nuclear explosions to take down the Shub-Pinkurath.

Manifest Destiny, with bone-chilling voice -- Ponies discover that their new Storm King action figures are powered by the unspeakable torture of a being trapped in Tartarus. Sales surge 500 percent.

Accurate Weight -- Pinkie Pie finds a ghost while out on a walk. She obeys its instructions to bring its parents to its corpse, only to find out that she was speaking not to a dead pony but to the story's author.

Sanitation Fragments -- In the bleak future of Equestria, Spike shatters the frozen Princess Luna to take vengeance for the eternal night that froze the world. Then a young Diamond Dog is shoved into the room to sweep the pieces up.

Comforting Cold Comfort For Change -- As Twilight Sparkle is signing the Friendship Palace over to Flim and Flam to help with the war effort, they ask how she always finds the time to fight hostile armies and yet hasn't eaten lunch with her relatives for a year. This causes her to abandon the front lines, dooming Equestria. The Zebran spies masquerading as Flim and Flam cackle, their deception complete.

Lu Drmgvi Concept -- "Hi testing testing is this thing on. Okay. So I'm going to write this story, I mean dictate this unedited story, in which replaced letters create a hidden message. Hey siri, um, can you replace three letters in the last sentence with why, owe, you. Letters why owe you. Literal why owe you. Okay comma I don't think this is going to work comma but trust me it would have been great."

Statuescence --
Into this mirror do I stare.
My dyeing hair. My dying hair.
That lump of gray provokes despair:
I'm turning into stone.

For a story that is, functionally, about the influence and predation of the Windigoes, they are actually kind of pointless. Like, remove the three lines referencing them and nothing changes. At all. And I think that's to the detriment of the story. You seem to want to angle for a sort of Lovecraftian madness and fear angle from these monsters, but nothing actually comes of it. Make their presence felt. Make it matter. The characters don't necessarily have to know it is the Windigoes, but it should be clear that it matters it's them.

To that end, I also think the 3rd person cinematic style doesn't work super well here. Not to say it can't be used for moody and emotive work, but given that the Windigoes are all about influencing the heart and mind, I think you lose a bit by not leaning into that.

Long story short, too much verbiage is spent not on making the windies terrifying creatures stripping away the ponanity of these arctic explorers. Focus in on that, or abandon it entirely and make it about the race.

Hm, hm, hm, hm.

This is amusing enough, but I think it overstays its welcome. The back end is largely just the same joke repeated, and I don't think there is much to be gained from it not closing out sooner and on a stronger note. That said, it is kind of worth noting that there isn't a particular strong - or even uncomfortable - laugh here. The situation is just odd enough to pull out a dark chuckle, but that's kind of it. To that end, you might want to consider ramping it up a bit in some form or another to really give it a distinct character.

Beyond that, while the quoth the raven allusion is cute, it actually reads pretty awkwardly as presented in the prose (probably in part because I expect the same rhythm as the actual line from the Poe work).

Solidly well done, but I get hung up on the point that maybe the ice giants should have mentioned something -before- the next advancement meant genocide. Like, there is solid stuff here, and ignorance of the damage caused is a thing worthy of consideration, but I can't help feeling a bit... well... "You had like, 7 years to bring this up, ice giants." And then I kinda fridge logic into thinking that maybe we should be considering the horrifying environmental effects of pony global warming in general, because boy is that area gonna explode - or not, because weird pony relationship with nature.

Also, what part of Sunburst makes him at all qualified to potentially negotiate with a hostile force? I mean, he's an awkward nerd AND not that great at magic. He doesn't have a ton to offer on his own! :p

Anyhow. That kind of sums it up, really. There is some good prose and clever stuff in here, but it runs into the problem of making me think and then having me immediately trip over that thinking.