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>>CoffeeMinion Yeah, same. I thought this was pretty moving, with the implication that Celestia was so long-lived that all her friends and familiar faces just blended together after a while, but then the story decided it was gonna be a comedy at the end, and I was like... something's been lost here.
It's like there are two stories based on two different interpretations of the same concept, and they've been mashed together into something that's... definitely funny... but not really organic.
It's like there are two stories based on two different interpretations of the same concept, and they've been mashed together into something that's... definitely funny... but not really organic.
Reminds me vaguely of Administrative Angel, but without the tight focus on a single character. It's hard to say who the focus here is, what the meaning of the story is, etc. As an exploration of both characters, it doesn't really leave the reader with much of an impression about either, and it doesn't say anything interesting about their relationship together...
...and am I alone in wondering why Sunset just blurts out a request to shack up with Humanized Sunbutt here?
...and am I alone in wondering why Sunset just blurts out a request to shack up with Humanized Sunbutt here?
Yeah, I'm not entirely sure what was going on here. Nor, unfortunately, was my interest hooked enough to want to figure it out. I'd guess off the cuff that bully and bullying target are both supers and unwitting internet friends, but... it doesn't seem to go anywhere with that? The piece will not, in fact, be continued in another issue, it needs to stand on its own right here, and in that regard I don't really see a clear arc or themes. Just imagery and a scattering of jokes.
Needs some work, less ambiguity, and clearer themes. I appreciate aiming high, though. Thanks for writing!
Needs some work, less ambiguity, and clearer themes. I appreciate aiming high, though. Thanks for writing!
Beautiful... Beautiful... I! Must! Become! Beautiful!
Become as gods -- Become as gods -- Become as gods -- Become as gods -- We'll all -- Dress up together and -- Become as gods --
Spike, floating in the background: "She still won't look my way..."
... Or is it Final Fantasy 8's Time Kompression that I should be quoting here?
Anyway, this is another one o' those Writeoff staples, the Vivid, Flashy "Wouldn't It Be Cool If" Concept Pitch That Doesn't Tell A Story. The piece is basically just expositing the god idea at us, showing some imagery, and telling the reader to enjoy the show. Most of you know the deal by now, I'm looking for pieces to execute a story in minific format, so these pure concept pieces are going to bat mid at best with me no matter how flashy they are.
The concept is amusing. Character voices are very nice. Imagery is indeed flashy and strong. It's a fun ride, there's tinges of humor and a lot of details. ("But," a little voice whispers, "it sure is easy to fit in more details than other entries if you don't spend any words on a plot!")
Like >>Fenton, I came away especially disappointed by the memory wipe at the end. Without that, there could be at least some argument for an arc going on here, but with it... why? Why do that? I don't get it.
So yeah. I did have fun with it! Good prose, fun read, I spammed the jokes it made me think of at the top of this review so you won't think I'm being totally negative here. But I would have preferred to see this idea taken and then used to actively tell some sort of story, instead of simply existing. It's hard, I know it's hard, but take this base and go further with it! Thanks for writing!
Become as gods -- Become as gods -- Become as gods -- Become as gods -- We'll all -- Dress up together and -- Become as gods --
Spike, floating in the background: "She still won't look my way..."
... Or is it Final Fantasy 8's Time Kompression that I should be quoting here?
Anyway, this is another one o' those Writeoff staples, the Vivid, Flashy "Wouldn't It Be Cool If" Concept Pitch That Doesn't Tell A Story. The piece is basically just expositing the god idea at us, showing some imagery, and telling the reader to enjoy the show. Most of you know the deal by now, I'm looking for pieces to execute a story in minific format, so these pure concept pieces are going to bat mid at best with me no matter how flashy they are.
The concept is amusing. Character voices are very nice. Imagery is indeed flashy and strong. It's a fun ride, there's tinges of humor and a lot of details. ("But," a little voice whispers, "it sure is easy to fit in more details than other entries if you don't spend any words on a plot!")
Like >>Fenton, I came away especially disappointed by the memory wipe at the end. Without that, there could be at least some argument for an arc going on here, but with it... why? Why do that? I don't get it.
So yeah. I did have fun with it! Good prose, fun read, I spammed the jokes it made me think of at the top of this review so you won't think I'm being totally negative here. But I would have preferred to see this idea taken and then used to actively tell some sort of story, instead of simply existing. It's hard, I know it's hard, but take this base and go further with it! Thanks for writing!
Stanley nodded along as he finished the piece, and decided to begin his review by citing an agreement with >>Trick_Question. He had seen this basic setup many times before, and could not find much of a unique twist in this particular piece to keep it interesting.
Although Stanley did have to admit that the prose was fine, and the piece flowed well on the page, it was undoubtedly lacking something. A certain spark, a motif, a heart to the comedy? A ribald ending sc- hey, wait, no, no no no, Stanley, come back, come back! I was only joking!
Oh dear.
Author, I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me - Stanley no, stop crouching and jumping, you'll break the world - ahem. Remember your audience, and that you are trying to please them, or at least engage them, and you can't just obtain that or assume it for free or you'll end in these midtier doldrums! Thank you for writing, and best of luck!
Although Stanley did have to admit that the prose was fine, and the piece flowed well on the page, it was undoubtedly lacking something. A certain spark, a motif, a heart to the comedy? A ribald ending sc- hey, wait, no, no no no, Stanley, come back, come back! I was only joking!
Oh dear.
Author, I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me - Stanley no, stop crouching and jumping, you'll break the world - ahem. Remember your audience, and that you are trying to please them, or at least engage them, and you can't just obtain that or assume it for free or you'll end in these midtier doldrums! Thank you for writing, and best of luck!
As the preceding comments noted, this piece relies heavily on external knowledge of who these characters are, what Adagio's many flashbacks are referring to, and an immediate background assumption about what must have happened for this situation to arise. That's a whole lot of important stuff happening offscreen and referenced like we're supposed to know it. Too much for me, I'm afraid; I kind of mentally checked out once it became clear the story was going to keep on going into more and more territory I know nothing about.
As to the execution, I think I side more with Monokeras than Posh: it feels low stakes, very "expected" vanilla sort of action for an Equestrian fic. Twilight fell in the river, we pull her out, at no point do I feel like she's actually in danger or that Adagio might not succeed. The emphasis here isn't on the action, it's on Adagio's internal characterization... and that's too heavily referencing out of story factors.
Ultimately I think this piece bit off more than it can do in the minific format. I find myself wanting both more action and more details in the immediate river scene, and more explanation of who these characters are and what Adagio's flashbacks are talking about. Although it technically completes a narrative arc in 750, it had to cut too much meat to get there, and I'm not seeing any very easy ways to make it fit without a massive restructure. I think the best advice I can give this is to go back and expand it into a proper short story, and try a more compact idea in minis next time.
... I suppose I should also take a moment to address the elephant in the room directly, though.
Nobody watched Equestria Girls past the first movie.
That's obviously hyperbole, but you hopefully get what I mean. At least three out of four commenters so far have no idea who your protagonist is (Fenton didn't say either way), and when you make the piece so reliant on her characterization and events that (I presume) happened in the bit of canon that features her, that unfamiliarity doesn't spell good things for your piece.
I'm not going to say people shouldn't use EQG characters outright, but as in all aspects of fanfiction, you have to keep in mind that relying on relatively obscure characters or points of canon can be heavily alienating to readers who are familiar with them only in passing or not at all. The further you go from the core cast of Friendship is Magic, the less you can rely on people knowing what you're talking about.
So ideally, if you're using these characters, try to use them in a way that explains who they are and what they're doing to the audience, rather than the opposite. (And, yes, that's going to be very, very difficult to do in a minific. All I can say is choose your cast and concepts wisely!)
ALL OF THAT SAID... you did get the basics in here, and I can at least get an idea of what I'm supposed to be feeling from Adagio and the constant references to the past. This probably ends up around low-mid to me, but it's far from a trainwreck, and it is a very good "teaching piece" that you can hopefully look back on and learn a lot from. Thanks for writing!
As to the execution, I think I side more with Monokeras than Posh: it feels low stakes, very "expected" vanilla sort of action for an Equestrian fic. Twilight fell in the river, we pull her out, at no point do I feel like she's actually in danger or that Adagio might not succeed. The emphasis here isn't on the action, it's on Adagio's internal characterization... and that's too heavily referencing out of story factors.
Ultimately I think this piece bit off more than it can do in the minific format. I find myself wanting both more action and more details in the immediate river scene, and more explanation of who these characters are and what Adagio's flashbacks are talking about. Although it technically completes a narrative arc in 750, it had to cut too much meat to get there, and I'm not seeing any very easy ways to make it fit without a massive restructure. I think the best advice I can give this is to go back and expand it into a proper short story, and try a more compact idea in minis next time.
... I suppose I should also take a moment to address the elephant in the room directly, though.
Nobody watched Equestria Girls past the first movie.
That's obviously hyperbole, but you hopefully get what I mean. At least three out of four commenters so far have no idea who your protagonist is (Fenton didn't say either way), and when you make the piece so reliant on her characterization and events that (I presume) happened in the bit of canon that features her, that unfamiliarity doesn't spell good things for your piece.
I'm not going to say people shouldn't use EQG characters outright, but as in all aspects of fanfiction, you have to keep in mind that relying on relatively obscure characters or points of canon can be heavily alienating to readers who are familiar with them only in passing or not at all. The further you go from the core cast of Friendship is Magic, the less you can rely on people knowing what you're talking about.
So ideally, if you're using these characters, try to use them in a way that explains who they are and what they're doing to the audience, rather than the opposite. (And, yes, that's going to be very, very difficult to do in a minific. All I can say is choose your cast and concepts wisely!)
ALL OF THAT SAID... you did get the basics in here, and I can at least get an idea of what I'm supposed to be feeling from Adagio and the constant references to the past. This probably ends up around low-mid to me, but it's far from a trainwreck, and it is a very good "teaching piece" that you can hopefully look back on and learn a lot from. Thanks for writing!
Hrrrrm. What is the primary focus of this piece? I think there are two somewhat different ways to look at it.
A. The piece is about Torch Song and her failed (or at least stalled) career. Toe Tapper is a framing device with a couple of lines, not a very important character. Action begins with Torch failing to get a record deal because she's ugly, moves on to a comparison about Fluttershy, and ends on... one sentence about the Ponytones? There isn't a clear ending section, and the tone throughout everything remains static: Torch Song's sad and can't get a record deal because she's ugly. Overall does not feel like a complete story.
B. The piece is about Torch Song and Toe Tapper's relationship. Toe Tapper is the protagonist, and the narrative thread is about him being in love with Torch and trying to communicate with her. Action begins on them coming out of the rehearsal, moves on to Torch telling her story on the bench and Toe trying to give her an uplifting idea, and ends with Torch shooting him down, while he resolves to keep trying because he loves her. This version does have a complete narrative arc, but throughout a lot of the piece, especially the middle sections, it's extremely underdelivered and very hard to actually see this as the focus as opposed to version A.
In its current state, these versions are in competition with each other. I think B might be the intended read, but A is the read that actually comes out on the page, most of the time.
It would be better if they were merged somehow. Less exposition, more interaction. Torch's responses are very monotone, she doesn't seem to care about Toe Tapper or even really respond to him because she's so busy expositing her own story. More responsiveness and a stronger ending would do a lot for the piece.
Another issue I noticed is that this doesn't feel very pony. Other than the shaky Fluttershy tie, which could easily be changed to "my cousin who's a shy model," you could tweak the names and submit this to Original Minis as realistic fiction and no one would suspect a thing.
But then - there are plenty of unphotogenic musicians out there in our world! Go to Youtube and check out, say, the Nuclear Blast Records feed, and you'll see quite a few short, fat, or otherwise not conventionally beautiful female vocalists. Like Haze says, having the pony world be even harsher than ours in this regard feels very jarring. It's enough of a problem to make me feel skeptical of the conceit in general, let alone in Equestria.
So I think this one got a bit off the hook. Technical side is good, if a little purple. (This is clearly one of the more experienced participants, so my critique has been adjusted a bit in that direction.) Clean up the reader direction and character responsiveness, always question your premise, and long live Beck//Call in Modern. Thanks for writing!
A. The piece is about Torch Song and her failed (or at least stalled) career. Toe Tapper is a framing device with a couple of lines, not a very important character. Action begins with Torch failing to get a record deal because she's ugly, moves on to a comparison about Fluttershy, and ends on... one sentence about the Ponytones? There isn't a clear ending section, and the tone throughout everything remains static: Torch Song's sad and can't get a record deal because she's ugly. Overall does not feel like a complete story.
B. The piece is about Torch Song and Toe Tapper's relationship. Toe Tapper is the protagonist, and the narrative thread is about him being in love with Torch and trying to communicate with her. Action begins on them coming out of the rehearsal, moves on to Torch telling her story on the bench and Toe trying to give her an uplifting idea, and ends with Torch shooting him down, while he resolves to keep trying because he loves her. This version does have a complete narrative arc, but throughout a lot of the piece, especially the middle sections, it's extremely underdelivered and very hard to actually see this as the focus as opposed to version A.
In its current state, these versions are in competition with each other. I think B might be the intended read, but A is the read that actually comes out on the page, most of the time.
It would be better if they were merged somehow. Less exposition, more interaction. Torch's responses are very monotone, she doesn't seem to care about Toe Tapper or even really respond to him because she's so busy expositing her own story. More responsiveness and a stronger ending would do a lot for the piece.
Another issue I noticed is that this doesn't feel very pony. Other than the shaky Fluttershy tie, which could easily be changed to "my cousin who's a shy model," you could tweak the names and submit this to Original Minis as realistic fiction and no one would suspect a thing.
But then - there are plenty of unphotogenic musicians out there in our world! Go to Youtube and check out, say, the Nuclear Blast Records feed, and you'll see quite a few short, fat, or otherwise not conventionally beautiful female vocalists. Like Haze says, having the pony world be even harsher than ours in this regard feels very jarring. It's enough of a problem to make me feel skeptical of the conceit in general, let alone in Equestria.
So I think this one got a bit off the hook. Technical side is good, if a little purple. (This is clearly one of the more experienced participants, so my critique has been adjusted a bit in that direction.) Clean up the reader direction and character responsiveness, always question your premise, and long live Beck//Call in Modern. Thanks for writing!
This one's pretty straightforward. Same stuff everyone else said: the emotional melodrama is way too strong, swinging straight from depressed, suicidal, vulgar and unsympathetic to tooth-rotting sweet candy hearts. I left feeling like Cheerios was going to go to work in the morning and be all right... but she might switch up her curriculum to how to pour a drink and give a blowjob.
The base concept here is very simple, and in order for it to shine, I think some subtlety is required, the opposite of where this actually went. How does she feel about her students, other than in relation to herself? Does she care about them? Genuinely want them to succeed? Is there something specific that has her feeling down? Hard to suggest specifics, but what we have here, I think, is less of a poor execution than the execution showing how this might not have been the best direction in the first place.
I say that because I actually like a lot of the moment to moment execution! In a different piece or genre, grizzled slob Cheerilee might be a joy to read about. Anyway, good hustle, thanks for writing!
The base concept here is very simple, and in order for it to shine, I think some subtlety is required, the opposite of where this actually went. How does she feel about her students, other than in relation to herself? Does she care about them? Genuinely want them to succeed? Is there something specific that has her feeling down? Hard to suggest specifics, but what we have here, I think, is less of a poor execution than the execution showing how this might not have been the best direction in the first place.
I say that because I actually like a lot of the moment to moment execution! In a different piece or genre, grizzled slob Cheerilee might be a joy to read about. Anyway, good hustle, thanks for writing!
Doing my tour of stories with low count reviews, though I don't think this one really needs me.
Anyway, this is a good start for something bigger, and you still managed to somehow have a complete arc, with Octavia finally giving her name to Vinyl. And I'll side with >>AndrewRogue on this. Having the perspective from Vinyl would have helped to feel the arc and its resolution more. As it is, it's a bit too faint to really care about the characters.
As a nitpick, I'll also recommend to use some variations around the burning alcohol. You have five instance of the word 'burn'. Maybe fire, heat, furnace could work.
Anyway, I'll echo the praises already mentionned. You have a solid pace and prose, and I find myself enjoying this little thing, while I've read countless fics about this OTP.
Thank you for sharing.
Anyway, this is a good start for something bigger, and you still managed to somehow have a complete arc, with Octavia finally giving her name to Vinyl. And I'll side with >>AndrewRogue on this. Having the perspective from Vinyl would have helped to feel the arc and its resolution more. As it is, it's a bit too faint to really care about the characters.
As a nitpick, I'll also recommend to use some variations around the burning alcohol. You have five instance of the word 'burn'. Maybe fire, heat, furnace could work.
Anyway, I'll echo the praises already mentionned. You have a solid pace and prose, and I find myself enjoying this little thing, while I've read countless fics about this OTP.
Thank you for sharing.
Doing my tour of stories with low count reviews.
I'll echo >>sharpspark and >>Not_A_Hat. I sense there is something great with Spike not being familiar with dragon traits, having been raised and surrounded only by ponies. However, we don't spend enough time with Spike. We don't need to fully know how he feels about all of this, but more clues would have made this shine brighter in my mind.
I don't know, maybe this wasn't really the story you actually wanted to tell, and it's a bit sad to fault you for that. But as it is, the interactions are great and the whole story stands on its own. I quite enjoyed it, and if you ever decide to expand it, I would suggest to focus more on Spike.
Thank you for sharing, I hope you'll make it to the finals.
I'll echo >>sharpspark and >>Not_A_Hat. I sense there is something great with Spike not being familiar with dragon traits, having been raised and surrounded only by ponies. However, we don't spend enough time with Spike. We don't need to fully know how he feels about all of this, but more clues would have made this shine brighter in my mind.
I don't know, maybe this wasn't really the story you actually wanted to tell, and it's a bit sad to fault you for that. But as it is, the interactions are great and the whole story stands on its own. I quite enjoyed it, and if you ever decide to expand it, I would suggest to focus more on Spike.
Thank you for sharing, I hope you'll make it to the finals.
>>RogerDodger
Both stories are made much better by the addition of the other, so to be fair to the word limit I'll try to rate them each as though I had only read one of them.
Both stories are made much better by the addition of the other, so to be fair to the word limit I'll try to rate them each as though I had only read one of them.
>>RogerDodger
Both stories are made much better by the addition of the other, so to be fair to the word limit I'll try to rate them each as though I had only read one of them.
Both stories are made much better by the addition of the other, so to be fair to the word limit I'll try to rate them each as though I had only read one of them.
>>Posh
Honestly, I think abstaining is usually being overly nice. If a story doesn't work for you because you don't know the source material, then it didn't work for you and the rating should probably reflect that.
Honestly, I think abstaining is usually being overly nice. If a story doesn't work for you because you don't know the source material, then it didn't work for you and the rating should probably reflect that.
>>Orbiting_kettle
Parasitic infestation?! :pinkiegasp: The doctor is performing talk therapy and says the problem is likely 'stress'... is there something I'm missing?
Parasitic infestation?! :pinkiegasp: The doctor is performing talk therapy and says the problem is likely 'stress'... is there something I'm missing?
I think >>sharpspark is >>Posh most of the time, but I do have The Sight. I use it to avoid hitting The Door with The Face.
>>Trick_Question
Well, it ends with
Which sounds as something worse than simply a bad dream. I filled a lot of void here with daring deductions, but it's possible that the creature latched onto the dream manifestation of stress.
Well, it ends with
In the darkness, withdrawn from reality, Princess Luna extinguished the nightmare from the dreamscape. Sparing no more than a sigh for the creature, she called forth her magic and moved on to the next dream.
Which sounds as something worse than simply a bad dream. I filled a lot of void here with daring deductions, but it's possible that the creature latched onto the dream manifestation of stress.
>>Ranmilia
I know about the poorly written story already, I just don't see the connection.
I know about the poorly written story already, I just don't see the connection.
>>Orbiting_kettle
That's why I thought a pet died. I mean, why would Luna feel bad about the misfortunes of an infectious parasite?
Let's both agree this story is wat.
That's why I thought a pet died. I mean, why would Luna feel bad about the misfortunes of an infectious parasite?
Let's both agree this story is wat.
>>Trick_Question
I interpreted the sigh as something related to the drudgery of the work she is doing.
I interpreted the sigh as something related to the drudgery of the work she is doing.
>>Ranmilia
This story isn't on my slate, and I'll grant that it could be a bit clearer about the scenario it posits, but I have to vigorously disagree with the point about obscure characters. Granted, I'm far from the most popular fellow around FF, and the fact that I skew toward offbeat stuff certainly works against me in that regard. But IMO, much of the joy of fanfiction comes from pushing out the frontiers of possibility in terms of what the setting offers, or just exploring the weird obscure corners of the world that wouldn't otherwise get fleshed out by canon. That can be done through subject matter or characters (and probably other avenues as well), but IMO both approaches are valid.
Also, I'll just throw out there that anyone who gave up on EqG after the first movie is missing out on some amazing stuff in Rainbow Rocks. E.g., a big part of Sunset's redemptive arc, which is pretty definitely not obscure.
This story isn't on my slate, and I'll grant that it could be a bit clearer about the scenario it posits, but I have to vigorously disagree with the point about obscure characters. Granted, I'm far from the most popular fellow around FF, and the fact that I skew toward offbeat stuff certainly works against me in that regard. But IMO, much of the joy of fanfiction comes from pushing out the frontiers of possibility in terms of what the setting offers, or just exploring the weird obscure corners of the world that wouldn't otherwise get fleshed out by canon. That can be done through subject matter or characters (and probably other avenues as well), but IMO both approaches are valid.
Also, I'll just throw out there that anyone who gave up on EqG after the first movie is missing out on some amazing stuff in Rainbow Rocks. E.g., a big part of Sunset's redemptive arc, which is pretty definitely not obscure.
>>Trick_Question
It seems to be Triumph saying that line, and given that most of the story is him insulting ponies by making crude media references, I assumed the same thing was happening there, with a slightly subtle delivery. That's all.
It seems to be Triumph saying that line, and given that most of the story is him insulting ponies by making crude media references, I assumed the same thing was happening there, with a slightly subtle delivery. That's all.
I enjoyed the prose. It had a strong style, and I'll bet it would sound good spoken aloud.
Discord was an appropriate entity to have such a fraught dream. I liked the repeated motif, though I never saw any deeper meaning to them; if they had any symbolism, I missed it.
In general, the writing was nice, and it showed a kind of neat journey, but I never understood the reason for waking him up. If I knew that, then the rest of the story would have more meaning.
Discord was an appropriate entity to have such a fraught dream. I liked the repeated motif, though I never saw any deeper meaning to them; if they had any symbolism, I missed it.
In general, the writing was nice, and it showed a kind of neat journey, but I never understood the reason for waking him up. If I knew that, then the rest of the story would have more meaning.
A pretty big idea that the fic is going for. In general done well, but it suffered from the word limit, in that felt like it moved very quickly, with little buildup to the revelations.
It didn't feel as substantiative for derpy to just give her the answers, though logically, it's just Twilight (her subconscience?) coming to a realization. Dunno why, but it felt less satisfying than it might've.
There's a bit of an arc here, though it doesn't feel as deep as it might, given that it's part of a larger, incomplete narrative
It didn't feel as substantiative for derpy to just give her the answers, though logically, it's just Twilight (her subconscience?) coming to a realization. Dunno why, but it felt less satisfying than it might've.
There's a bit of an arc here, though it doesn't feel as deep as it might, given that it's part of a larger, incomplete narrative
I loved the story. That last line turned the lights on—I never saw it coming, and it was perfect.
I think one problem is that Friendship is Magic didn't originate from those nationalities. This would make more sense if, at the end of the story, we learn that the character being shown the glyphs was an executive from Hasbro.
Now, a little English lesson on word usage.
In the US we call them flashlights, not torches (the latter are the kind you light), though I think that might be changing in recent years (I'd ask a younger American). Dugout as a noun (as opposed to an adjective) is only used for baseball. I had to look up both scree (rocks) and pirogue ('canoe' is what any English speaker would say), so you've gone a little too far with the twenty-dollar words in such a short space. Possessives with numbers don't appear in English except in rare cases when the number is being anthropomorphized. I think you've accidentally interpreted the pronoun 'one' as a number, and then generalized that interpretation to 'two' where it doesn't work—a natural assumption, but incorrect. You want 'the flanks of these two'.
However, that's not something somepony would say when it's visually obvious to whomever they're speaking, so it sounds like narration from Professor Exposition. I'd probably go with, "What are those pictographs on their haunches*, the Sun and Moon?"
(* Only bronies confuse the haunch with the flank, due to the show. The flank of a horse is the lower-rear part of the barrel, or more generally the side of the barrel. I think.)
I think one problem is that Friendship is Magic didn't originate from those nationalities. This would make more sense if, at the end of the story, we learn that the character being shown the glyphs was an executive from Hasbro.
Now, a little English lesson on word usage.
In the US we call them flashlights, not torches (the latter are the kind you light), though I think that might be changing in recent years (I'd ask a younger American). Dugout as a noun (as opposed to an adjective) is only used for baseball. I had to look up both scree (rocks) and pirogue ('canoe' is what any English speaker would say), so you've gone a little too far with the twenty-dollar words in such a short space. Possessives with numbers don't appear in English except in rare cases when the number is being anthropomorphized. I think you've accidentally interpreted the pronoun 'one' as a number, and then generalized that interpretation to 'two' where it doesn't work—a natural assumption, but incorrect. You want 'the flanks of these two'.
However, that's not something somepony would say when it's visually obvious to whomever they're speaking, so it sounds like narration from Professor Exposition. I'd probably go with, "What are those pictographs on their haunches*, the Sun and Moon?"
(* Only bronies confuse the haunch with the flank, due to the show. The flank of a horse is the lower-rear part of the barrel, or more generally the side of the barrel. I think.)
>>sharpspark
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
You guys totally missed what the ending implied. Like, totally. The 'ponies are aliens' was not the reveal, that was intentionally obvious.
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
You guys totally missed what the ending implied. Like, totally. The 'ponies are aliens' was not the reveal, that was intentionally obvious.
>>Trick_Question
'Dugout' is in fact a thing, just a somewhat obscure thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dugout_canoe
And I'm not sure whether people in Mali would use 'torches' or 'flashlights,' but there's no real reason to expect the US variant. In some ways the language oddities here don't bug me as much, as it's the kind of specialized language used by people within a specific field of study and they're also in-story-canon foreign language speakers so I can wave away the awkwardness as fitting the plot of the story.
Also, it's kind of turning the story on its head, but I think the idea of a Hasbro executive seeing this is really amusing,
haha. That's certainly a weird different direction to take.
'Dugout' is in fact a thing, just a somewhat obscure thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dugout_canoe
And I'm not sure whether people in Mali would use 'torches' or 'flashlights,' but there's no real reason to expect the US variant. In some ways the language oddities here don't bug me as much, as it's the kind of specialized language used by people within a specific field of study and they're also in-story-canon foreign language speakers so I can wave away the awkwardness as fitting the plot of the story.
Also, it's kind of turning the story on its head, but I think the idea of a Hasbro executive seeing this is really amusing,
haha. That's certainly a weird different direction to take.
>>Trick_Question
Oh.
Huh.
If that's the intended joke, yeah, it's a significantly better story than I had thought, even if I don't know that it's highlighted exactly right.
Oh.
Huh.
If that's the intended joke, yeah, it's a significantly better story than I had thought, even if I don't know that it's highlighted exactly right.
This story starts as a good and compelling drama and ends up becoming an obtuse and forced feghoot. I liked it much more as a drama. You should write some drama like this, author.
Advice 1: Don't try to switch from dark drama to super-goofy comedy in 750 words.
The problem with putting so much maudlin drama at the start of your feghoot is there isn't enough time to pivot emotion to unexpected (and incredibly silly) comedy. This could have worked if it were a comedy to begin with.
Since Rosemary's talent is completely unlike anything from Friendship is Magic, it feels like you inserted her in order to make the story qualify as FiM-inspired. I don't see anything pony-like in this story at all. Her cutie mark isn't there, the setting is dark and has little to do with friendship (apart from the odd romance), the magic is nothing like anything we've seen before, and the society and setting don't resemble what we'd expect from the show.
This is a minor nitpick, but "Halstein, a Minotaur" feels too close in syntactical form to "Bessibelle, a haberdasher" in the sentence that follows. It makes haberdasher sound like a mythical creature. Also, haberdashers make hats, and we don't see any of that in the story.
You don't need to mention Rosemary's mane and coat colors, but if you do, it should be less up-front character desc-y. You might change "the wilderness of Rosemary's coat" in the following paragraph to "the wilderness of Rosemary's green coat", and strike the colors from her introduction entirely. (Note that you never describe the protagonist in detail, so why Rosemary?) Alternately, you might want to describe Rosemary in a way that reveals how beautiful the protagonist finds her even in that messy state, in which case including the colors would be a good idea. But that would be if you wanted this to be a drama, and it seems apparent you don't.
I've never seen a pony graze in the show, even when they're very hungry. They only eat prepared food. It would be like humans drinking out of a puddle. If she does graze, it would be useful to note how uncomfortable she is doing that (and would underscore her desperation). It's also bizarre to imagine minotaurs grazing, since they're not horizontal so there's no easy way for them to do it.
The organization of thoughts here is confusing and muddled, and I suspect this was due to trimming of the story. It might help to outline the ideas you want to convey to the reader and then group them into cohesive units. For example, I don't understand how grazing in the Commons is contrasted by her coat being hard to comb, or even how those two things are related. Did you mean that no amount of combing could tame Grandmother's coat, metaphorically, rather than Rosemary's? Before getting to the 'hoot, I was certain that was your intent and you just used the wrong name. How would grazing in the Commons increase Grandmother's approval, because she's eating free food or something? And then at the end of the same paragraph it introduces a romance out of nowhere. Earlier in this paragraph it appeared that Rosemary was doing what she did just to survive, not because she was attracted to her kind friend.
I had a few issues with the feghoot. First of all, half of the feghoot is unchanged from the original lyrics, and if you want to 'hoot you should probably try to 'hoot the entire thing. Second, if you need to link to a YouTube video to familiarize your audience with the source material, you might want to choose a different source that your audience is already likely to be familiar with. Third, the feghoot part is (I don't know a nice way to say this) not particularly clever. 'Snoze' isn't a word in English, Rosemary was already in the song (and was also a name), Gnee is easy to insert as a proper noun...
Advice 2: If you want to do a feghoot, spend more time on coming up with the right feghoot.
Ideally, a feghoot should trick the audience into not knowing what's about to hit them until it hits. That's the key idea. In this story, at the point the story abruptly shifts and all the realism disappears, it's immediately obvious that you're trying to cram some truly bizarre events together in order to land a feghoot.
Keep writing! I think you have potential here with either approach, just not both together at once.
Advice 1: Don't try to switch from dark drama to super-goofy comedy in 750 words.
The problem with putting so much maudlin drama at the start of your feghoot is there isn't enough time to pivot emotion to unexpected (and incredibly silly) comedy. This could have worked if it were a comedy to begin with.
Since Rosemary's talent is completely unlike anything from Friendship is Magic, it feels like you inserted her in order to make the story qualify as FiM-inspired. I don't see anything pony-like in this story at all. Her cutie mark isn't there, the setting is dark and has little to do with friendship (apart from the odd romance), the magic is nothing like anything we've seen before, and the society and setting don't resemble what we'd expect from the show.
This is a minor nitpick, but "Halstein, a Minotaur" feels too close in syntactical form to "Bessibelle, a haberdasher" in the sentence that follows. It makes haberdasher sound like a mythical creature. Also, haberdashers make hats, and we don't see any of that in the story.
You don't need to mention Rosemary's mane and coat colors, but if you do, it should be less up-front character desc-y. You might change "the wilderness of Rosemary's coat" in the following paragraph to "the wilderness of Rosemary's green coat", and strike the colors from her introduction entirely. (Note that you never describe the protagonist in detail, so why Rosemary?) Alternately, you might want to describe Rosemary in a way that reveals how beautiful the protagonist finds her even in that messy state, in which case including the colors would be a good idea. But that would be if you wanted this to be a drama, and it seems apparent you don't.
I've never seen a pony graze in the show, even when they're very hungry. They only eat prepared food. It would be like humans drinking out of a puddle. If she does graze, it would be useful to note how uncomfortable she is doing that (and would underscore her desperation). It's also bizarre to imagine minotaurs grazing, since they're not horizontal so there's no easy way for them to do it.
The organization of thoughts here is confusing and muddled, and I suspect this was due to trimming of the story. It might help to outline the ideas you want to convey to the reader and then group them into cohesive units. For example, I don't understand how grazing in the Commons is contrasted by her coat being hard to comb, or even how those two things are related. Did you mean that no amount of combing could tame Grandmother's coat, metaphorically, rather than Rosemary's? Before getting to the 'hoot, I was certain that was your intent and you just used the wrong name. How would grazing in the Commons increase Grandmother's approval, because she's eating free food or something? And then at the end of the same paragraph it introduces a romance out of nowhere. Earlier in this paragraph it appeared that Rosemary was doing what she did just to survive, not because she was attracted to her kind friend.
I had a few issues with the feghoot. First of all, half of the feghoot is unchanged from the original lyrics, and if you want to 'hoot you should probably try to 'hoot the entire thing. Second, if you need to link to a YouTube video to familiarize your audience with the source material, you might want to choose a different source that your audience is already likely to be familiar with. Third, the feghoot part is (I don't know a nice way to say this) not particularly clever. 'Snoze' isn't a word in English, Rosemary was already in the song (and was also a name), Gnee is easy to insert as a proper noun...
Advice 2: If you want to do a feghoot, spend more time on coming up with the right feghoot.
Ideally, a feghoot should trick the audience into not knowing what's about to hit them until it hits. That's the key idea. In this story, at the point the story abruptly shifts and all the realism disappears, it's immediately obvious that you're trying to cram some truly bizarre events together in order to land a feghoot.
Keep writing! I think you have potential here with either approach, just not both together at once.
>>sharpspark
Sharpy, that's an adjective (dugout canoe is a canoe that has been dug out of a log). I said dugout as a noun is only for baseball, as far as I know.
Sharpy, that's an adjective (dugout canoe is a canoe that has been dug out of a log). I said dugout as a noun is only for baseball, as far as I know.
>>sharpspark
I might be seeing genius where it wasn't intended, but it seems the obvious conclusion. lorem ipsum FiM lorem ipsum is literally the perfect answer there.
EDIT: Also, it's the only reason Bergeron would smile at that question.
I might be seeing genius where it wasn't intended, but it seems the obvious conclusion. lorem ipsum FiM lorem ipsum is literally the perfect answer there.
EDIT: Also, it's the only reason Bergeron would smile at that question.
>>Trick_Question
First line of the linked wikipedia article:
A dugout canoe or simply dugout is a boat made from a hollowed tree trunk.
:P
First line of the linked wikipedia article:
A dugout canoe or simply dugout is a boat made from a hollowed tree trunk.
:P
>>Caliaponia
The title (Lunnas APM) is a reference to https://writeoff.me/fic/746-Lunnas-Ache (with APM being the abbreviation for 'actions per minute,' commonly used to indicate skill in something like Starcraft)
References to things that no one remembers are the best references.
The title (Lunnas APM) is a reference to https://writeoff.me/fic/746-Lunnas-Ache (with APM being the abbreviation for 'actions per minute,' commonly used to indicate skill in something like Starcraft)
References to things that no one remembers are the best references.
I think this was a very interesting idea where one of two things happened. Either I missed something overly clever, or you accidentally defeated the intent of your story with the way you approached it.
Initially, I thought this was very clever: I assumed that you were trying to carefully disperse words throughout each sentence so that they would appear as a block of well-justified text in full, and this was tied in to what you were saying in the beginning about how small crystals need to be carefully managed for space. Brilliant. It really seemed like that was the thrust.
I'm not so sure now, though. It seems like the justified text was a coincidence in my browser, and the solid paragraphing was unrelated to anything in the story. I couldn't pull anything useful out of the remainder of the paragraph, but your language choices were so bizarre I was all but certain you were intentionally choosing words to fit a poetic structure. If it wasn't the careful text justification, what could it be? I tried several ciphers with no success (every other word, first word of sentences, even letter by letter). I no longer understand the purpose of macroparagraphing the entire story, and I don't understand the odd language choices throughout. There has to be something hidden here, I just don't know what it is.
My best guess is you planned this in your browser without realizing that different readers would see very different things, but I fear I must give up trying to determine what it was you were doing there.
Let's pretend there is nothing hidden or clever here. In that case, I guess the joke was that, you, as the author, were rambling about unrelated things and couldn't finish the story, so you were meta-complaining a-la horizon about not having enough room in 750 words...?
If this was the intended joke, the problem you face is that you don't need 750 words to tell the joke. It's a joke that could be told in twenty words, by adding "(730 words later...)" somewhere.
There's also a problem in that the sentences don't fit together in a meaningful way. Even if it's a rambling train of thought, the tracks are all broken. This is another datum that tells me there must me something here I've missed.
:ponyshrug:
Initially, I thought this was very clever: I assumed that you were trying to carefully disperse words throughout each sentence so that they would appear as a block of well-justified text in full, and this was tied in to what you were saying in the beginning about how small crystals need to be carefully managed for space. Brilliant. It really seemed like that was the thrust.
I'm not so sure now, though. It seems like the justified text was a coincidence in my browser, and the solid paragraphing was unrelated to anything in the story. I couldn't pull anything useful out of the remainder of the paragraph, but your language choices were so bizarre I was all but certain you were intentionally choosing words to fit a poetic structure. If it wasn't the careful text justification, what could it be? I tried several ciphers with no success (every other word, first word of sentences, even letter by letter). I no longer understand the purpose of macroparagraphing the entire story, and I don't understand the odd language choices throughout. There has to be something hidden here, I just don't know what it is.
My best guess is you planned this in your browser without realizing that different readers would see very different things, but I fear I must give up trying to determine what it was you were doing there.
Let's pretend there is nothing hidden or clever here. In that case, I guess the joke was that, you, as the author, were rambling about unrelated things and couldn't finish the story, so you were meta-complaining a-la horizon about not having enough room in 750 words...?
If this was the intended joke, the problem you face is that you don't need 750 words to tell the joke. It's a joke that could be told in twenty words, by adding "(730 words later...)" somewhere.
There's also a problem in that the sentences don't fit together in a meaningful way. Even if it's a rambling train of thought, the tracks are all broken. This is another datum that tells me there must me something here I've missed.
:ponyshrug:
This story is excellent and touches me, but there were a couple of spots I took issue with.
Twilight is remarkably insensitive toward Spike's feelings here, and this really bothered me. I get that dorkhorse can be socially inept, but I don't see her talking down to him about his crush so directly when she knows they've been close friends for years now and spend a lot of time alone together. Even at the very beginning of FiM, Twilight realized how much Rarity means to Spike and kept this in confidence with him. Her callous 'get over it because it's logical' approach felt very out of character.
It's weird that the Twilight-Spike conversation is happening in the boutique, as the boutique is small and they're not whispering so it seems like the things they're saying could easily be overheard (especially within observing distance). I expected Ember to say, "Um, I'm standing right here," right after Twilight mentioned her the first time. This is really two separate scenes you have here without a break between them, regardless as to the location and timing, and it threw me a little. I got so wrapped up in one conversation that introducing other characters without a break first felt like they were in the same conversation. Maybe if they were waiting elsewhere?
Really? Spike is probably within ten years of Rarity. How would Twilight know Ember is younger than Rarity, given how little she knows about dragons and dragon culture? I never thought Ember was younger than Rarity just because she's small, especially given how dragons work and her mature attitude. It might be nice to make it sound like Twilight's pulling the fact out of her rump here in order to make her anti-Sparity point.
Twilight is remarkably insensitive toward Spike's feelings here, and this really bothered me. I get that dorkhorse can be socially inept, but I don't see her talking down to him about his crush so directly when she knows they've been close friends for years now and spend a lot of time alone together. Even at the very beginning of FiM, Twilight realized how much Rarity means to Spike and kept this in confidence with him. Her callous 'get over it because it's logical' approach felt very out of character.
It's weird that the Twilight-Spike conversation is happening in the boutique, as the boutique is small and they're not whispering so it seems like the things they're saying could easily be overheard (especially within observing distance). I expected Ember to say, "Um, I'm standing right here," right after Twilight mentioned her the first time. This is really two separate scenes you have here without a break between them, regardless as to the location and timing, and it threw me a little. I got so wrapped up in one conversation that introducing other characters without a break first felt like they were in the same conversation. Maybe if they were waiting elsewhere?
“Plus she’s a lot closer to your age than Rarity is.”
Really? Spike is probably within ten years of Rarity. How would Twilight know Ember is younger than Rarity, given how little she knows about dragons and dragon culture? I never thought Ember was younger than Rarity just because she's small, especially given how dragons work and her mature attitude. It might be nice to make it sound like Twilight's pulling the fact out of her rump here in order to make her anti-Sparity point.
Ah! A nice poem. Poetry is always a challenge, and this was a fun read.
>>Ranmilia beat me to the punch on the poetry issues. If you're working with a simple rhyme scheme that's easy to fit like this, it would add a lot of weight to map it to more structure. Unstructured poetry is fine, but here you have almost-perfect-but-not-quite, and that makes it stand out in a dissonant way.
I think there are two larger issues, however.
The first one is that the poem bemoans forbidden love, and never gives the audience a clue to why it's forbidden. In Equestria of all places, it seems like that wouldn't be a problem. They know next to nothing about dragons, after all, and Spike is treated as anypony else in society—not to mention he's close friends with all the royal ponies who actually make law. Spike doesn't seem to think his love is forbidden in the show, so why does he feel that way now? Maybe he was merely rejected...?
The second one is that it feels like the plot stops advancing in the last three quatrains, and all that comes through there is emo (apparently >>AndrewRogue saw the same thing, although he wasn't as specific about where). The end of the poem thus drags on in a way that makes Spike's feelings seem childish, which contrasts with the rest of the poem where it seems like he has well-thought out what he's trying to say and what it means.
However: it could be interesting to see Spike's maturity devolve through the poem! But to do that I think you'd need to do it gradually and with more severity, so it's clear that what seemed like love was selfish all along. You'd need to underscore his lack of introspective awareness at the end of the poem, as well.
>>Ranmilia beat me to the punch on the poetry issues. If you're working with a simple rhyme scheme that's easy to fit like this, it would add a lot of weight to map it to more structure. Unstructured poetry is fine, but here you have almost-perfect-but-not-quite, and that makes it stand out in a dissonant way.
I think there are two larger issues, however.
The first one is that the poem bemoans forbidden love, and never gives the audience a clue to why it's forbidden. In Equestria of all places, it seems like that wouldn't be a problem. They know next to nothing about dragons, after all, and Spike is treated as anypony else in society—not to mention he's close friends with all the royal ponies who actually make law. Spike doesn't seem to think his love is forbidden in the show, so why does he feel that way now? Maybe he was merely rejected...?
The second one is that it feels like the plot stops advancing in the last three quatrains, and all that comes through there is emo (apparently >>AndrewRogue saw the same thing, although he wasn't as specific about where). The end of the poem thus drags on in a way that makes Spike's feelings seem childish, which contrasts with the rest of the poem where it seems like he has well-thought out what he's trying to say and what it means.
However: it could be interesting to see Spike's maturity devolve through the poem! But to do that I think you'd need to do it gradually and with more severity, so it's clear that what seemed like love was selfish all along. You'd need to underscore his lack of introspective awareness at the end of the poem, as well.
I love it.
I think the parts where the rhyme trips, softens, and then disappears entirely pulled me out of the story a little. When I start rereading lines to try to figure out where the rhyme went, that reduces my immersion. If you want to alternate with rhyme, maybe breaking into a new section would help. (Exception: it's fine to break out of rhyme when the poetry has an obvious visual cue, like the fangy/wingy bit, because the eye can search for that instead.)
I think the parts where the rhyme trips, softens, and then disappears entirely pulled me out of the story a little. When I start rereading lines to try to figure out where the rhyme went, that reduces my immersion. If you want to alternate with rhyme, maybe breaking into a new section would help. (Exception: it's fine to break out of rhyme when the poetry has an obvious visual cue, like the fangy/wingy bit, because the eye can search for that instead.)
An actual story with a plot and feels! :yay: Plus, it has second-best pony. :scootangel:
I'm with >>Orbiting_kettle on the intended meaning, but I agree with other reviewers that the ending doesn't seem to resolve either Dash's problem (the primary conflict), or Scootaloo's problem (not taking the work seriously) very well.
This is a case where I think English is a handicap, which I wouldn't normally mention because author already knows this, but here it's not just in the proofreading sense. In this case there is a little being lost in translation with the composition of sentences and the word choices. It's actually a testament to how honestly the author is writing that I can get all the emotions exactly as I suspect they were intended (though the whispering moments are strange, especially Cheerilee's).
It would help to have an editor to assist you because you have a talent for writing a narrative that fits with the show very well, kind of like Pascoite (or so I am led to believe).
I'm with >>Orbiting_kettle on the intended meaning, but I agree with other reviewers that the ending doesn't seem to resolve either Dash's problem (the primary conflict), or Scootaloo's problem (not taking the work seriously) very well.
This is a case where I think English is a handicap, which I wouldn't normally mention because author already knows this, but here it's not just in the proofreading sense. In this case there is a little being lost in translation with the composition of sentences and the word choices. It's actually a testament to how honestly the author is writing that I can get all the emotions exactly as I suspect they were intended (though the whispering moments are strange, especially Cheerilee's).
It would help to have an editor to assist you because you have a talent for writing a narrative that fits with the show very well, kind of like Pascoite (or so I am led to believe).
This was a fun read, but I don't get it. Seriously, it's way over my noggin.
I don't know the source material for parody and I don't get the reference(s). I'm not sure why Celestia had to be killed rather than dethroned, as this takes green-skinned racist question-mark-face mascot even further away from a coherent brony character.
It might help if the protagonist was portrayed even more dependent on Wi-Fi prior to the meteor. Since nothing was being updated anymore, why would access to WiFi even matter here? I think there could be a statement to be made here on how people's focus on the community blinds them to the importance and goodness of the show itself (you almost make that statement for a while, and it could have been awesome), but I don't get the feeling that there's a serious message intended given how goofy it turns midway through the story.
I suspect there are other references I'm not getting, too. I don't understand the ending: is he inspired to recreate the entire fandom? I'm not sure what the story is trying to say, or if it's just supposed to be silly.
I don't know the source material for parody and I don't get the reference(s). I'm not sure why Celestia had to be killed rather than dethroned, as this takes green-skinned racist question-mark-face mascot even further away from a coherent brony character.
It might help if the protagonist was portrayed even more dependent on Wi-Fi prior to the meteor. Since nothing was being updated anymore, why would access to WiFi even matter here? I think there could be a statement to be made here on how people's focus on the community blinds them to the importance and goodness of the show itself (you almost make that statement for a while, and it could have been awesome), but I don't get the feeling that there's a serious message intended given how goofy it turns midway through the story.
I suspect there are other references I'm not getting, too. I don't understand the ending: is he inspired to recreate the entire fandom? I'm not sure what the story is trying to say, or if it's just supposed to be silly.
This was adorable. Yay Moonflank! :huzzahluna:
Be careful about redundancy, because readers don't like to read what they can infer (plus it saves space in minifics). Sometimes this requires restructuring what you want to say.
The ending was a cute twist, but it fell a little flat for me. I think you need to make more use of the rest of the story for the ending to have more of an impact. Maybe show us Alex playing a game or two and how intensely he gets into the competitive side of it. Also, show us how he gets bored in the human world.
...decorated with a stylish Princess Luna wallpaper. He was a fan of MLP...
Be careful about redundancy, because readers don't like to read what they can infer (plus it saves space in minifics). Sometimes this requires restructuring what you want to say.
The ending was a cute twist, but it fell a little flat for me. I think you need to make more use of the rest of the story for the ending to have more of an impact. Maybe show us Alex playing a game or two and how intensely he gets into the competitive side of it. Also, show us how he gets bored in the human world.
Oh, also: don't name your story this. (I just don't like in-joke references, especially the self-deprecating kind.)
>>sharpspark
I clicked the link. That is some next level trippy. :derpyderp2:
Edit: though in clicking around that Writeoff's stories I found a gem that I likely would've TC'd the heck out of if it hadn't been before my time
I clicked the link. That is some next level trippy. :derpyderp2:
Edit: though in clicking around that Writeoff's stories I found a gem that I likely would've TC'd the heck out of if it hadn't been before my time
This is a great story, and it's believable to a point. It's very hard to imagine AB and SB at odds like this, especially with Scootaloo in the middle on her special day... unless the sticking point is over the mare she's mare-eying (who is obviously big sister and idol Rainbow Dash, duh). So I feel there's some kind of groom-related issue going on but I don't really know what you had in mind.
The fact that the primary conflict in the story (well, it's not the primary conflict but it's the primary 'conflict' in the exposition) is never shown to the audience is very frustrating, even though it isn't at all what the story is about. I think part of the reason it's so frustrating is that it's hard to imagine what could separate such close friends, especially in this context. As the author, I feel you should decide what this is, even if you never put it in the story. It's important backstory that will come out subconsciously in your writing. I'm not sure that you came up with a reason for the bitter separation before you put the story together.
Rarity comes off (to me, at least) as more severe than Applejack, and I think this unintentionally sends the message that Sweetie is the one responsible for everything that turned South. Maybe AJ should show a little more spine or peevishness.
You have a lot of great show, but you slip into overly-telliness like this in places. That might be a place to focus, if you agree.
The fact that the primary conflict in the story (well, it's not the primary conflict but it's the primary 'conflict' in the exposition) is never shown to the audience is very frustrating, even though it isn't at all what the story is about. I think part of the reason it's so frustrating is that it's hard to imagine what could separate such close friends, especially in this context. As the author, I feel you should decide what this is, even if you never put it in the story. It's important backstory that will come out subconsciously in your writing. I'm not sure that you came up with a reason for the bitter separation before you put the story together.
Rarity comes off (to me, at least) as more severe than Applejack, and I think this unintentionally sends the message that Sweetie is the one responsible for everything that turned South. Maybe AJ should show a little more spine or peevishness.
It was a well-trained glare, it hit all the right highs and lows necessary to make it effective and quite final.
You have a lot of great show, but you slip into overly-telliness like this in places. That might be a place to focus, if you agree.
>>RogerDodger
I dunno, that is way more coincidence than I can buy. They even both talk about blowing up Sugarcube Corner....
I dunno, that is way more coincidence than I can buy. They even both talk about blowing up Sugarcube Corner....
I'm flabbergasted by the potential coincidence of how this one's title and content matches the other, and I would sooner suspect these are a collaboration rather than pure coincidence.
But conspiracy theories aside, I'll echo the thoughts that this isn't quite complete on its own. It's generally quite well executed though. Like I could go for reading more of this, and I'd like to for the sake of seeking resolution. This does at least give us a strong state change by the end, though, so we're not left completely hanging. I think this actually does a deft job of cramming an oversized story into a tiny little package.
Actually, of the two pieces, this is the stronger by far, and made a little creepier and unsettling (in a good way) by adding in the first. Put differently, this one comes darn close to standing on its own.
Tier: (Mid, I guess?)
But conspiracy theories aside, I'll echo the thoughts that this isn't quite complete on its own. It's generally quite well executed though. Like I could go for reading more of this, and I'd like to for the sake of seeking resolution. This does at least give us a strong state change by the end, though, so we're not left completely hanging. I think this actually does a deft job of cramming an oversized story into a tiny little package.
Actually, of the two pieces, this is the stronger by far, and made a little creepier and unsettling (in a good way) by adding in the first. Put differently, this one comes darn close to standing on its own.
Tier: (Mid, I guess?)
Great stuff. I'm not aware of whether this follows a particular author's style or not, but I recently (for experimentation with depression) tested edible marijuana with Morning Sun and had WAY too much. The experience was almost precisely like this read, getting lost in thoughts forming eddies that made it difficult to progress from one point to the next (talking was almost impossible). (It was still nothing compared to ketamine.)
Anyhoo, the only part of this that seems lacking to me is the identification of Moss, the warning female, and the stallion-figure. It reads to me as though somepony is trying to wake Discord and has to travel through his dreams to do it, but it isn't clear when this is happening relative to the times Discord has awoken in the show. I need a more to go on at the end to have a sense of whom I'm rooting for, and that feels like a flaw in a slain sane word-waning broad bird brushstroke, imbued and viewed in this nude joke review. :trollestia-bestia:
Anyhoo, the only part of this that seems lacking to me is the identification of Moss, the warning female, and the stallion-figure. It reads to me as though somepony is trying to wake Discord and has to travel through his dreams to do it, but it isn't clear when this is happening relative to the times Discord has awoken in the show. I need a more to go on at the end to have a sense of whom I'm rooting for, and that feels like a flaw in a slain sane word-waning broad bird brushstroke, imbued and viewed in this nude joke review. :trollestia-bestia:
Addendum: the title you chose may negatively impact how I rate the story. :ajbemused:
You write so well, and I can taste the fritters! The story, however, is... a bit underdone.
The joke itself is very silly and nonsensical. This is another case where your realism is amazing and intense, and then it's suddenly ruined by a punchline. In this case the 'I was right all along' trope isn't particularly punchy or amusing. It's especially difficult to swallow the ending given how Applejack is acting out of character toward somepony she would consider family in a heartbeat.
Why would Pear fritter bring tiny changelings to invade the farm if she's not a changeling herself? Since when do changelings eat apples? Why would Applejack care more about lording one over Twilight than saving her farm, when that's nearly the polar opposite of her character? Why didn't Applejack and Apple Bloom notice that they just ATE CHANGELINGS?!
None of it makes sense, and it's just too much. :ajunsure:
The joke itself is very silly and nonsensical. This is another case where your realism is amazing and intense, and then it's suddenly ruined by a punchline. In this case the 'I was right all along' trope isn't particularly punchy or amusing. It's especially difficult to swallow the ending given how Applejack is acting out of character toward somepony she would consider family in a heartbeat.
Why would Pear fritter bring tiny changelings to invade the farm if she's not a changeling herself? Since when do changelings eat apples? Why would Applejack care more about lording one over Twilight than saving her farm, when that's nearly the polar opposite of her character? Why didn't Applejack and Apple Bloom notice that they just ATE CHANGELINGS?!
None of it makes sense, and it's just too much. :ajunsure:
This is a cute slice of life, and it's well-written and easy to visualize.
Unfortunately, the Twilight in me has questions.
It sounds like the inhabitants of the world are actually ponies. Otherwise, AJ wouldn't have family in Montana, etc. But are they all ponies? Either way, what's the show about, then? I need something that shows me the difference between these two worlds (like Twilight removing her horn and wings or something), or I don't feel like I understand—and thus am not connected—to either of them.
The remaining questions are tiny quibbles. Why is Twilight's time taken up in her journeys? It shouldn't take her any time at all, considering. If she has the power to do that, then why is there a show with presumably fake magic in it? And why is she unable to pronounce a single word in Prench that anypony could do on the first try, especially given that she clearly knows the other character very well?
Just sayin'. :twilightsheepish:
Unfortunately, the Twilight in me has questions.
It sounds like the inhabitants of the world are actually ponies. Otherwise, AJ wouldn't have family in Montana, etc. But are they all ponies? Either way, what's the show about, then? I need something that shows me the difference between these two worlds (like Twilight removing her horn and wings or something), or I don't feel like I understand—and thus am not connected—to either of them.
The remaining questions are tiny quibbles. Why is Twilight's time taken up in her journeys? It shouldn't take her any time at all, considering. If she has the power to do that, then why is there a show with presumably fake magic in it? And why is she unable to pronounce a single word in Prench that anypony could do on the first try, especially given that she clearly knows the other character very well?
Just sayin'. :twilightsheepish:
This is an excellent action scene with good character development.
I think it needs to have more to be a full story, though. The problem is that the payoff is hidden from the reader because we don't know exactly what's going on. Specifically, why is Sci-Twi still at Crystal Prep? Is this something that was supposed to have happened between RR and FG? If the Sirens have new amulets, do they still eat the amplification of discordancy? I don't know enough to know what to feel, and with such a great narrative I'd really like to.
I think it needs to have more to be a full story, though. The problem is that the payoff is hidden from the reader because we don't know exactly what's going on. Specifically, why is Sci-Twi still at Crystal Prep? Is this something that was supposed to have happened between RR and FG? If the Sirens have new amulets, do they still eat the amplification of discordancy? I don't know enough to know what to feel, and with such a great narrative I'd really like to.
BAM BIATCH 57 REVIEWS
I feel like Heinz. By which I mean, I feel married to some guy who was a celebrated veteran until politicians dragged his name through the mud with false accusations claiming he didn't deserve the Purple Hearts he earned in Vietnam.
Anyway, now all I have to do is vote them all (ugh).
I don't think I can guess this round because I had two or three authors tease me about 'oh you'll be able to guess mine' or 'I put stuff in there for you', and it will be embarrassing if I don't get things that were designed for me to get except it's kind of obvious the childfucker story was intentionally put there for me because everypony seems to think I'm a childfucker since they don't actually read my stories. :V
Anyway anyway, I hope some of you appreciated my reviews. I know I'm bad at not being harsh and self-centered with them and I didn't get many uphooves this time around but sometimes feedback can be useful! Except this might be the first time ever that I don't agree with or understand any of the feedback on my own story, so I probably will not pass the cut even though I enjoy the story I was able to write in 50 minutes after the depression finally disappeared the morning right before the deadline, very much.
Also I'm sorry for pointing out a potential rules violation and will never do that again. :X
I feel like Heinz. By which I mean, I feel married to some guy who was a celebrated veteran until politicians dragged his name through the mud with false accusations claiming he didn't deserve the Purple Hearts he earned in Vietnam.
Anyway, now all I have to do is vote them all (ugh).
I don't think I can guess this round because I had two or three authors tease me about 'oh you'll be able to guess mine' or 'I put stuff in there for you', and it will be embarrassing if I don't get things that were designed for me to get except it's kind of obvious the childfucker story was intentionally put there for me because everypony seems to think I'm a childfucker since they don't actually read my stories. :V
Anyway anyway, I hope some of you appreciated my reviews. I know I'm bad at not being harsh and self-centered with them and I didn't get many uphooves this time around but sometimes feedback can be useful! Except this might be the first time ever that I don't agree with or understand any of the feedback on my own story, so I probably will not pass the cut even though I enjoy the story I was able to write in 50 minutes after the depression finally disappeared the morning right before the deadline, very much.
Also I'm sorry for pointing out a potential rules violation and will never do that again. :X
Genre: Daaaaaaaark
Thoughts: Bravo, author. In a really short span of words you've made me care about a character, feel deeply for his struggles, and given me a reason not to completely turn away as he commits to a dark path. Now obviously the kind of bullying and torment that the character has been through is precision tuned to engender lots of sympathy, and the implied threat of rape against his younger sister is... shall we say, the nuclear option for driving home that the bad guy is irredeemably bad, and that the protagonist is suffering silently in pursuit of the best end he can see being achievable.
I think it works, though. Yes it's painting with broad brushstrokes when you slow down and analyze it, but the way it frames things up and slowly introduces detail and backstory makes for an engrossing experience while reading. I feel that the tropes aren't obtrusive, even though they're big and broad and fully on display.
As for the ending... yes, killing is badness. But by that point the story has at least given us enough of a view inside this character's life and experiences to not make it a shocking leap for the sake of shocking us. I fully realize that some people are just plain going to balk at that, and I'm not looking to celebrate it as revenge-fantasy either, but I think it could make sense as part of the character's arc as-presented (which is a huge arc for such a tiny space).
Controversial or not, I think this makes excellent use of the minific format.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Bravo, author. In a really short span of words you've made me care about a character, feel deeply for his struggles, and given me a reason not to completely turn away as he commits to a dark path. Now obviously the kind of bullying and torment that the character has been through is precision tuned to engender lots of sympathy, and the implied threat of rape against his younger sister is... shall we say, the nuclear option for driving home that the bad guy is irredeemably bad, and that the protagonist is suffering silently in pursuit of the best end he can see being achievable.
I think it works, though. Yes it's painting with broad brushstrokes when you slow down and analyze it, but the way it frames things up and slowly introduces detail and backstory makes for an engrossing experience while reading. I feel that the tropes aren't obtrusive, even though they're big and broad and fully on display.
As for the ending... yes, killing is badness. But by that point the story has at least given us enough of a view inside this character's life and experiences to not make it a shocking leap for the sake of shocking us. I fully realize that some people are just plain going to balk at that, and I'm not looking to celebrate it as revenge-fantasy either, but I think it could make sense as part of the character's arc as-presented (which is a huge arc for such a tiny space).
Controversial or not, I think this makes excellent use of the minific format.
Tier: Top Contender
People have already batted this back and forth, and I want to get my slate done, so I'm going to piggyback. :-p
In brief, I find the stallion's pining reassurance of the mare to be poignant. Her conflict could be stronger by letting us see more of it play out rather than just having it described. Also, the end is abrupt. But with more development I could see this blossoming.
Tier: Needs Work
In brief, I find the stallion's pining reassurance of the mare to be poignant. Her conflict could be stronger by letting us see more of it play out rather than just having it described. Also, the end is abrupt. But with more development I could see this blossoming.
Tier: Needs Work
I can't tell if this is ship-teasing or just cake-friendshipping, but I fear it extends the central metaphor past the point where I can follow it. Good overall structure and execution other than some obvious typos that should buff out. Overall I have the sense that I'm not in the target audience, which is probably more on me than the story.
Tier: Abstain
Tier: Abstain
>>sharpspark
Huh. Would've never gotten that, so thanks for the heads up. Too subtle for me.
Huh. Would've never gotten that, so thanks for the heads up. Too subtle for me.
Jesus Christ, people. Twenty one hours and eleven minutes.
But anyway, I arrived at the same conclusion as >>Orbiting_kettle, and I think with a bit of tightening, this story could shine all the more bright.
My only real complaint is that we don't et a clear resolution to Dash's arc. Alright, she doesn't want to face her own shortcomings, she tries to beat around the bush, and then the story ends after a few short lines of dialogue, and we're not sure if Dash is going to try to improve herself or not.
The word limit obviously didn't help, but I wonder what could've been done to deliver a more satisfying conclusion.
Oh, well. I liked it, but I'm left wishing there had been more.
But anyway, I arrived at the same conclusion as >>Orbiting_kettle, and I think with a bit of tightening, this story could shine all the more bright.
My only real complaint is that we don't et a clear resolution to Dash's arc. Alright, she doesn't want to face her own shortcomings, she tries to beat around the bush, and then the story ends after a few short lines of dialogue, and we're not sure if Dash is going to try to improve herself or not.
The word limit obviously didn't help, but I wonder what could've been done to deliver a more satisfying conclusion.
Oh, well. I liked it, but I'm left wishing there had been more.
All my favorite long fics are left on a cliffhanger, forever. This sucks.
You know what, that's just uncalled for.
Aw, man... I feel robbed, you had a great momentum and then the story just stops. Guess the wordcount worked against you, huh?
I wonder what could you have done to deliver a well-rounded sotry, and I'm n ot sure if I'd like to see anything go. I presume the in media res beginning was a way of getting a few more words in, but we're still left without resolution.
I really liked this, but I'm left unsatisfied.
I wonder what could you have done to deliver a well-rounded sotry, and I'm n ot sure if I'd like to see anything go. I presume the in media res beginning was a way of getting a few more words in, but we're still left without resolution.
I really liked this, but I'm left unsatisfied.
Well, this was a joy to read, but then again, I have a soft spot for the intricacies of bureaucratic work.
Over the top, yeah, but I feel that was part of the point. To show the inefficiencies of a convoluted administrative system by taking them to their logical extreme.
All in all, a great entry, and top five material for me.
>>Posh
We've only had modern, clusterfucky bureaucracies for a couple of centuries. Give it time.
Over the top, yeah, but I feel that was part of the point. To show the inefficiencies of a convoluted administrative system by taking them to their logical extreme.
All in all, a great entry, and top five material for me.
>>Posh
I have no clue how vesting greater power in the bureaucracy leads to the utter annihilation of the universe's natural order.
We've only had modern, clusterfucky bureaucracies for a couple of centuries. Give it time.
Ah, procrastination at its finest.
This seems pretty squarely aimed at being silly, so I'm not sure that the fridge logic above really applies. I think that this is intentionally a comedy, so her casually leaving her there as a statue to put off dealing with the issue is funny.
This seems pretty squarely aimed at being silly, so I'm not sure that the fridge logic above really applies. I think that this is intentionally a comedy, so her casually leaving her there as a statue to put off dealing with the issue is funny.
This is a fluff piece. I agree with >>Fenton that the Temporary Blindness Syndrome name-drop is probably something you'll want to lose in the final draft.
I think my biggest complaint is that this story feels a bit like it doesn't really go anywhere; it feels flat in terms of its emotional content and context, and it would be more effective if it was less so.
I think my biggest complaint is that this story feels a bit like it doesn't really go anywhere; it feels flat in terms of its emotional content and context, and it would be more effective if it was less so.
This is too emotionally flat. You need to give this more variation - as >>Zaid Val'Roa notes, nothing ultimately happens in the story, and we're left with Starlight in the same state at the start and end without any real change.
This is a singularly terrible pun (and a lame feghoot, which is the best kind of feghoot) but I don't think that the story really manages to carry its weight.
This story feels like it is some weird combination of wish fulfillment fluff and drama, and it doesn't feel like it quite gets there in either direction. The ending is too ambiguous for a fluff piece, while as a drama piece, the wish fulfillment aspect (and the lack of character for the audience insert) feels like it gets in the way of the drama.
>>Trick_Question
Chrono Trigger (the video game) starts out with someone being teleported across an area, but their magic amulet interferes with it and they get tossed back through time, requiring the protagonist to follow them.
So I'm pretty sure that's just what is going on here.
Overall, this story just feels scattered. I'm not sure what the Chrono Trigger reference adds to any of this; it just feels kind of all over the place, and wacky for the sake of being wacky.
Chrono Trigger (the video game) starts out with someone being teleported across an area, but their magic amulet interferes with it and they get tossed back through time, requiring the protagonist to follow them.
So I'm pretty sure that's just what is going on here.
Overall, this story just feels scattered. I'm not sure what the Chrono Trigger reference adds to any of this; it just feels kind of all over the place, and wacky for the sake of being wacky.
This is the sort of kid killing I can 100% get behind. This sort of dark story about children can be fun to read, and I've read a few things which are similarish - depicting a child killing another child for various dark little reasons - which work well.
I feel like this one achieved its goal. The story has solid bookends and construction.
My biggest problem is that it is ambiguous at what point the character realized that he was being chased by the bully; specifically, did he realize what was going on before or after he grabbed the rock? That changes the context of the story a bit, and I feel like a bit more clarity on this point would be helpful. If it was after, it feels more impulsive; if it was before, though, then it feels more premeditated.
I feel like this one achieved its goal. The story has solid bookends and construction.
My biggest problem is that it is ambiguous at what point the character realized that he was being chased by the bully; specifically, did he realize what was going on before or after he grabbed the rock? That changes the context of the story a bit, and I feel like a bit more clarity on this point would be helpful. If it was after, it feels more impulsive; if it was before, though, then it feels more premeditated.
This was cute. I liked the various jokes, as well as the obsession with bunnies and all the problems they were causing.
Also amused by the ending noting that the system was stable and running, given that we all know that all hell breaks loose after that point, but it keeps getting fixed.
Also amused by the ending noting that the system was stable and running, given that we all know that all hell breaks loose after that point, but it keeps getting fixed.
I think the core idea of the frame story here is actually kind of interesting - the protagonist living the life of a "popular" filly, and not realizing that they're taking all the wrong lessons from it.
However, I don't feel like this ultimately came together - it doesn't really have a full arc.
However, I don't feel like this ultimately came together - it doesn't really have a full arc.
>>Trick_Question
Eh. Most people in the US don't even know the origin. I hear it from random people periodically.
Plus, gypping a gypsy is an amusing rhyme.
I think this could do with a bit of smoothing, but I thought it was decent enough overall.
I'm pretty sure 'gyp' is racist.
Eh. Most people in the US don't even know the origin. I hear it from random people periodically.
Plus, gypping a gypsy is an amusing rhyme.
I think this could do with a bit of smoothing, but I thought it was decent enough overall.
>>TitaniumDragon
I dunno, I rarely hear it these days. Merriam-Webster says 'now sometimes offensive' in the definition.
EDIT: On second thought, in 2017, 'now sometimes offensive' should probably appear in front of the definition of every word.
I dunno, I rarely hear it these days. Merriam-Webster says 'now sometimes offensive' in the definition.
EDIT: On second thought, in 2017, 'now sometimes offensive' should probably appear in front of the definition of every word.
There were a lot of good stories this round, and a lot in the middle that were much harder to rate. There isn't a fair way to rate comedy against drama and vice versa, which is why I'd kind of prefer we do drama and non-drama in different events.
My top four, in order:
The Beautiful Deity (brilliant retcon for Twily's EQG clothing, best overall)
Release Note (creative, well-written, and best comedy hooves down)
To Be a Dragon (touches on race, stigma, and expectations, best drama)
Your Fate (very believable and in-character, most immersive story for me)
It was a hard choice. There were plenty of deserving entries besides this limited selection (including some great experimental stuff, and comedies and dramas that would show up if I listed the next few stories, etc.), and I enjoyed everything I read. Great work everypony! :pinkiehappy:
My top four, in order:
The Beautiful Deity (brilliant retcon for Twily's EQG clothing, best overall)
Release Note (creative, well-written, and best comedy hooves down)
To Be a Dragon (touches on race, stigma, and expectations, best drama)
Your Fate (very believable and in-character, most immersive story for me)
It was a hard choice. There were plenty of deserving entries besides this limited selection (including some great experimental stuff, and comedies and dramas that would show up if I listed the next few stories, etc.), and I enjoyed everything I read. Great work everypony! :pinkiehappy:
Time Enough For Mashups? #goodjokes
Preening Seven Hundred Fifty - After a lengthy discussion of various wingcare techniques and the finer points of contrast between pegasus mating rituals and mere social grooming between friends, the story pointedly does not offer a climax. :trollestia:
Poisoned Apple Jacked In - Are you ready for a rollicking big gun fu fight between Agent Silversmith and Flutterbat while AJ stands off to the side saying "Neo" periodically at Rarity for no apparent reason?
The Best Days Can't Hurt Her - Twilight is trapped alone in a pocket dimension and is left feeling frustrated and helpless. Fortunately, it turns out she's into that sort of thing, and she doesn't hesitate to eject Derpy when the dimension proves to be a little less empty than advertised. Meanwhile, CelestAI is left frustrated in her attempt to fulfill Derpy's values and must commit large swaths of clock time and processing power to the problem. Fortunately it turns out that CelestAI is into that sort of thing as well.
Twilight Sparkle and the Black / Spelling Flight Camp - Twilight's lust for honeyed consonants knows no bounds. Promised that she'd find some if she resurrects a cold case/murder mystery, she eventually discovers the perp is a giant bee that's improbably disguised itself as a kid at the local flight camp. Sadly, the entire supporting cast suffers gruesome impalement before those sweet, sweet consonants can be hers.
Preening Seven Hundred Fifty - After a lengthy discussion of various wingcare techniques and the finer points of contrast between pegasus mating rituals and mere social grooming between friends, the story pointedly does not offer a climax. :trollestia:
Poisoned Apple Jacked In - Are you ready for a rollicking big gun fu fight between Agent Silversmith and Flutterbat while AJ stands off to the side saying "Neo" periodically at Rarity for no apparent reason?
The Best Days Can't Hurt Her - Twilight is trapped alone in a pocket dimension and is left feeling frustrated and helpless. Fortunately, it turns out she's into that sort of thing, and she doesn't hesitate to eject Derpy when the dimension proves to be a little less empty than advertised. Meanwhile, CelestAI is left frustrated in her attempt to fulfill Derpy's values and must commit large swaths of clock time and processing power to the problem. Fortunately it turns out that CelestAI is into that sort of thing as well.
Twilight Sparkle and the Black / Spelling Flight Camp - Twilight's lust for honeyed consonants knows no bounds. Promised that she'd find some if she resurrects a cold case/murder mystery, she eventually discovers the perp is a giant bee that's improbably disguised itself as a kid at the local flight camp. Sadly, the entire supporting cast suffers gruesome impalement before those sweet, sweet consonants can be hers.
I plan to close the Radio Writeoff poll when I wake up tomorrow, so we can finalize what stories we'll be discussing.
If anyone wants to vote before then, here's a link: link.
We don't always blindly follow the poll, but stories you upvote there do have a greater chance of being talked about.
If anyone wants to vote before then, here's a link: link.
We don't always blindly follow the poll, but stories you upvote there do have a greater chance of being talked about.
Mashups:
Starlight Glimmer's Brand New Dealer
Starlight finally starts to fit in and and understand the in-jokes. Turns out, helping somepony hide a body is a really great bonding experience.
Giving and Receiving Twilight's Butt
Rarity can't see what the big deal about Twilight's rear is. Literally.
Discord Channels the Wisdom of ithkushllldkow
...and is even more incomprehensible than before, somehow.
Explorers We Get Wi-Fi
It turns out that ponies engineered the development of our species tens of thousands of years ago, all for one final end goal: creating the Internet.
Starlight Glimmer's Brand New Dealer
Starlight finally starts to fit in and and understand the in-jokes. Turns out, helping somepony hide a body is a really great bonding experience.
Giving and Receiving Twilight's Butt
Rarity can't see what the big deal about Twilight's rear is. Literally.
Discord Channels the Wisdom of ithkushllldkow
...and is even more incomprehensible than before, somehow.
Explorers We Get Wi-Fi
It turns out that ponies engineered the development of our species tens of thousands of years ago, all for one final end goal: creating the Internet.
I may be one of the few for whom this story didn't anything, which probably comes from me having missed the previous round. For me, this feels like a laborious setup for a joke I don't get.
Ignoring the context does a great disservice to the story, as the descriptions tell us simply stuff that happened. The dry delivery improves the situation, and I'm a bit of a fan of slightly sociopathic Twilight, but it isn't enough to pull it up from the lower half of my slate.
Once the write-off is over, I will probably look back and read [b]Villainy[/i], considering the enthusiastic reactions you are getting.
At the end, it boils down to a story for a specific audience, and for them, it seems to work quite well. I think that's a legitimate choice, even if a bit of a risk in the Write-off.
Still, thank you for having written it. I sincerely hope to be in the target audience the next time.
Ignoring the context does a great disservice to the story, as the descriptions tell us simply stuff that happened. The dry delivery improves the situation, and I'm a bit of a fan of slightly sociopathic Twilight, but it isn't enough to pull it up from the lower half of my slate.
Once the write-off is over, I will probably look back and read [b]Villainy[/i], considering the enthusiastic reactions you are getting.
At the end, it boils down to a story for a specific audience, and for them, it seems to work quite well. I think that's a legitimate choice, even if a bit of a risk in the Write-off.
Still, thank you for having written it. I sincerely hope to be in the target audience the next time.
I'm generally a bit wary toward meta-fiction (Fenton will hunt me down if I got the definition wrong, but I'm pretty sure I use the term correctly here), because despite the potential for deep statements or cutting comedy when it fails it tends to go down the deep end.
I think it avoided the bad path here. It wasn't incredibly insightful or ambitious, nor was it, as >>Trick_Question said, a completely original concept, but it was solidly executed and I was smirking quite a lot while reading it. That's enough for a minfic to place in the upper half of my slate, considering the constraints under which we work.
Could it be more profound while staying as funny? I don't know, probably, but I'm a bit lost about how it could be done. Maybe by hinting at some kind of connection between the characters aside from what the reader's headcanon will fill in.
To summarize, the story made the legitimate choice of being a fun and well-written piece without too much meat on it. It was an entertaining read the first time and kept being very good when I went through it a second time for the review.
So, thank you for your submission.
I think it avoided the bad path here. It wasn't incredibly insightful or ambitious, nor was it, as >>Trick_Question said, a completely original concept, but it was solidly executed and I was smirking quite a lot while reading it. That's enough for a minfic to place in the upper half of my slate, considering the constraints under which we work.
Could it be more profound while staying as funny? I don't know, probably, but I'm a bit lost about how it could be done. Maybe by hinting at some kind of connection between the characters aside from what the reader's headcanon will fill in.
To summarize, the story made the legitimate choice of being a fun and well-written piece without too much meat on it. It was an entertaining read the first time and kept being very good when I went through it a second time for the review.
So, thank you for your submission.
Same as all the rest on the content here. A different tone (noir or crime drama instead of storybook) would be more effective, and I would have liked greater clarity on what exactly Fluttershy's deal (so to speak) is here. The obvious implication is that she's a dealer, but the rest of the town hasn't even heard of butterfly dust, so maybe she's just a very effective vigilante who keeps Ponyville drug-free?
The prose has a number of technical errors, odd phrasings, and unusual word choices like "jubilated." It's not too jarring, and feels like English might not be the author's native language, so this didn't bother me too much mid-read. I don't have the time to do a close proofread right now (and technical prose isn't my greatest strength anyway), but you might want to ask around the Discord later and get someone to help with that.
On the bright side, this is a good concept length for the minific format, and its basic narrative arc is executed well. You have some solid fundamentals here, which I love seeing. Keep working on the details, and thanks for writing!
The prose has a number of technical errors, odd phrasings, and unusual word choices like "jubilated." It's not too jarring, and feels like English might not be the author's native language, so this didn't bother me too much mid-read. I don't have the time to do a close proofread right now (and technical prose isn't my greatest strength anyway), but you might want to ask around the Discord later and get someone to help with that.
On the bright side, this is a good concept length for the minific format, and its basic narrative arc is executed well. You have some solid fundamentals here, which I love seeing. Keep working on the details, and thanks for writing!
Uh... huh. Well, the piece is kind enough to lampshade itself heavily: this is a cardboard cutout of a story that exists as an excuse to tell a bunch of jokes. It lacks narrative substance, but never tried to have any in the first place, so... okay.
The main gimmick, which I'm surprised nobody else has explained yet, is that the answering machine's lines are a selection of real quotes from the Writeoff Discord chat.
So... sure, decent execution. There's only so much credit I can give to a pure gimmick like this, but it's not bad, and I did laugh, so count it as a success. Thanks for writing!
The main gimmick, which I'm surprised nobody else has explained yet, is that the answering machine's lines are a selection of real quotes from the Writeoff Discord chat.
So... sure, decent execution. There's only so much credit I can give to a pure gimmick like this, but it's not bad, and I did laugh, so count it as a success. Thanks for writing!
Yeah, I feel more than a little lost here too. This feels incomplete. Only 650 words, so... time constraints? Prose reads fine, there's a lot of setup, but no payoff. So, echoing >>Zaid Val'Roa. Thanks for writing!
Mm. So, I'm largely with >>Not_A_Hat here, except that for me, the implications don't work. The Noodle Incident pervades this piece. It forms the background for all the conflict, not just between the younger sisters, but AJ and Rarity. And we don't know what it is. I can't imagine what it could be, and in turn, I can't get into the emotional beats the story wants me to believe, because the conflict feels forced and carries no weight.
It's trying to be evocative, I get that, but I need the background material in place for my emotions to actually be evoked. I'm just not willing to assume Something Happened and these (magically bound!) friends are now at each other's throats (but also still maybe a couple?)
I know minific is constraining and you want to get in the maximum amount of banter, descriptions of Rarity's tone, AJ's thoughts, all that evocative stuff that will get readers' juices flowing. But that's the temptation of the Dark Side of the Writing Force. You can't shunt the entire base of conflict into implied backstory. That's cheating. And when I see the story cheat like that, and cut its substance to fit in extra style, I can't give the style credit.
This may be sounding whiny, I'm not finding very non-harsh words, and I apologize for that. I don't have much else in the way of critique, most aspects are great! The prose is on point (maybe a little telly in places, but that's my style too so I can't hate it), the tone comes through strongly, the relationships are vivid, it's very visual and easy to imagine. But all of this is accomplished by the piece devoting many words to these aspects, and it can only afford to do so because of what it isn't spending words on. You were the chosen one!
It'd be a fantastic 1000-1500 word piece if it could take a few extra moments and talk about what, exactly, happened in the past and how Rarity and AJ specifically feel about it and have reacted to it. But it doesn't all fit in 750, and the Dark Side is ultimately self-destructive. Very close to greatness, though. Thanks for writing!
It's trying to be evocative, I get that, but I need the background material in place for my emotions to actually be evoked. I'm just not willing to assume Something Happened and these (magically bound!) friends are now at each other's throats (but also still maybe a couple?)
I know minific is constraining and you want to get in the maximum amount of banter, descriptions of Rarity's tone, AJ's thoughts, all that evocative stuff that will get readers' juices flowing. But that's the temptation of the Dark Side of the Writing Force. You can't shunt the entire base of conflict into implied backstory. That's cheating. And when I see the story cheat like that, and cut its substance to fit in extra style, I can't give the style credit.
This may be sounding whiny, I'm not finding very non-harsh words, and I apologize for that. I don't have much else in the way of critique, most aspects are great! The prose is on point (maybe a little telly in places, but that's my style too so I can't hate it), the tone comes through strongly, the relationships are vivid, it's very visual and easy to imagine. But all of this is accomplished by the piece devoting many words to these aspects, and it can only afford to do so because of what it isn't spending words on. You were the chosen one!
It'd be a fantastic 1000-1500 word piece if it could take a few extra moments and talk about what, exactly, happened in the past and how Rarity and AJ specifically feel about it and have reacted to it. But it doesn't all fit in 750, and the Dark Side is ultimately self-destructive. Very close to greatness, though. Thanks for writing!
Okay, this was cute, clever, and entertainingly formatted. And it really does explain the entire system! Definitely at the top of my slate.
Rarity sniffed. “Well, I can hardly make a dress out of asbestos.”
What's this defeatist talk, that isn't the Rarity I know!
On to the main critique... >>Trick_Question has me closely here. Twilight seems insensitive, out of character, and possibly just wrong, and it's jarring because that isn't how she's treated this exact issue in canon. And as most comments are saying, the early part of the piece meanders a bit and would probably be stronger with a more focused point of view.
Final paragraph's fantastic at getting there, though. Don't kinkshame Spike for being heterospeciest. Thanks for writing!
Well, this was a bright, cheery piece, wasn't it?
I very much enjoyed it though. It built up nicely, setting up the atmosphere. Making it clear just what a monster Spitshine is, and just how desperate Windy is. My only issue is that I can't quite pin down the ages of the characters. They have to be fairly young, since Windy seems to believe some of the tails about monsters on the ground, and Spinshine calls him a foal. Their behavior isn't the sort of thing you generally see from older teenagers. More like younger children or tweens perhaps. Yet it's hard to imagine a child that age resorting to violence/murder like this.
In any case, despite being dark as the bottom of a mineshaft, this was quite entertaining. Definitely goiung towards the top of my slate.
I very much enjoyed it though. It built up nicely, setting up the atmosphere. Making it clear just what a monster Spitshine is, and just how desperate Windy is. My only issue is that I can't quite pin down the ages of the characters. They have to be fairly young, since Windy seems to believe some of the tails about monsters on the ground, and Spinshine calls him a foal. Their behavior isn't the sort of thing you generally see from older teenagers. More like younger children or tweens perhaps. Yet it's hard to imagine a child that age resorting to violence/murder like this.
In any case, despite being dark as the bottom of a mineshaft, this was quite entertaining. Definitely goiung towards the top of my slate.
>>Posh
>>Not_A_Hat
Mostly with these two. This feels like the author just wanted to write some CMCs and slapped something together to give them an excuse for hijinks and jokes. It's not terrible, but it's just basic character work and banter and some light humor.
I'm looking for higher aims than this to reach the top of the slate, but as something written to get an entry in, this is fine and fair practice. Hope to see you back in future rounds, don't be afraid to be more ambitious and take on a narrative, you can do it! Thanks for writing!
>>Not_A_Hat
Mostly with these two. This feels like the author just wanted to write some CMCs and slapped something together to give them an excuse for hijinks and jokes. It's not terrible, but it's just basic character work and banter and some light humor.
I'm looking for higher aims than this to reach the top of the slate, but as something written to get an entry in, this is fine and fair practice. Hope to see you back in future rounds, don't be afraid to be more ambitious and take on a narrative, you can do it! Thanks for writing!
Having to work with a giant, pointless, inefficient, illogical bureaucracy every day, I totally understand the sentiment behind this story. My only issue is with how over the top it, and the disconnect between the level of destruction and Luna's attitude. I know it's being played for laughs here, but for some reason it just doesn't quite work for me. If the level of disaster / apocalypse was just a notch or two lower, or Luna's refusal to help a bit less vigorous, I think it would feel a bit more reasonable. As it stands, Luna sitting there watching the world burn makes her seem less like a clever protagonist giving her foolish sister her comeuppance... And more like a heartless, arrogant bitch.
Still quite enjoyable though, and going towards the top of my slate!
Still quite enjoyable though, and going towards the top of my slate!
Light, fluffly, and clever. I'd say that there's not all that much to the story, but this is a mini-fic round. It's solidly written and entertaining. I don't have much to add except give it a thumbs up.
Light, silly, and funny. Poor Apple Bloom, just trying to load some apples... Anyway, don't have much to add besides that I liked it. Two thumbs up!