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Explorers We
The plane landed around 1 AM at Bamako’s airport, all lights off. It parked in a remote corner of the tarmac. Under the ghostly glow of a nascent Moon, the only passenger rushed out of it into a small helicopter that took off immediately. It gained height and disappeared to the north-east.
Two hours and six hundred kilometres away, the helicopter landed discreetly outside Bandiagara. The passenger stepped out, hunching to avoid the dust blown by the blades, and lumbered to the jeep which was waiting for him. He opened the rear door and stepped inside. The jeep peeled off.
“Monsieur le Secrétaire général,” a male voice said.
Geerd Hoegen turned his head towards his host. “Professeur Bergeron?” he replied with a strong Dutch accent. He reached out, and both shook hands.
“Peut-être pourrions-nous continuer en anglais ?” Bergeron proposed. “I was told French is not your forte…” He smiled.
“That’s right,” Hoegen replied. “I’m sorry.”
“Never mind, we’ve gotten used to it. It still stings, but… modern times I guess.”
Hoegen looked out the window at the solid darkness. Dawn was still hours away. He yawned. It’d been a long flight from New York. “So what’s the big story?” he asked after a while.
Bergeron sighed. “We discovered it two months ago. It was hidden behind scree, and unknown to anyone. Even the wise had forgotten about this place.”
“Dogons, isn’t it? But why—”
At that moment, the jeep lurched and stopped. Torch light flooded in. Hoegen was blinded, but he vaguely made out the shapes of armed soldiers outside. The driver lowered his window, exchanged a few words, and they moved on.
“We have to keep nosy visitors at bay,” Bergeron explained. “The news has spread something had happened around here. So far, we’ve been successful at repelling trespassers, but secrecy cannot be maintained indefinitely.”
Hoegen nodded. The jeep drove a few hundreds metres ahead, then stopped.
“We’ve arrived,” Bergeron said.
Hoegen got off and looked around. A few metres ahead, a sheer cliff wall rose into the night. At its base, illuminated by the car headlights, a wide crack ran up: the entrance of a cave complex.
“Come in!” Bergeron said, motioning Hoegen ahead. The professor drew a torch from his pocket and walked inside.
The crack led to a short, narrow tunnel, that stretched for about fifty metres before reaching the threshold of a large cave.
“This is ancient,” Bergeron said. “We estimate fourty thousand years. Homo Sapiens’s début. Come here and look up!”.
On the white ceiling above them, Hoegen saw a rough painting, like dark points randomly spattered. A human-like figure stood below them.
“These are constellations,” Bergeron explained. “And here –” with his torch he showed a group of three tiny points – “is Sirius A, B and C.”
“Sirius A, B and C?”
”Yes. Griaule had already found out that Dogons know about Sirius being a double star, which is clearly impossible given their technological level. But here, ‘they’ depicted Sirius as a triple star. Look closer…”
Hoegen craned his neck and squinted. He saw a faint line running from the third point. “There’s a line,” he said.
“Yes,” Bergeron replied and he moved his torch along it until another painting came into view.
“Is that… a… dugout?” Hoegen hesitated.
“A pirogue, yes. A craft of sorts. And…” Bergeron moved his torch again along the line to a third painting.
“What the hell is this?!” Hoegen exclaimed. His eyes widened. He hesitated. “Horses?”
“More like ponies, if the painter respected the sizes. See the man here? Much taller.”
“Horses with wings and horns?” Hoegen asked.
Bergeron shrugged. “Who knows what truth the old legends hold. But look there.”
The spotlight moved to another part of the painting, depicting three ponies, bigger than the the rest of the herd.
“Those three have both wings and horns,” Bergeron said.
“What’s drawn on those two’s flanks? Is that sun and moon?” Hoegen asked.
Bergeron nodded.
“And that star on the third one? What is it?”
“We have no clue, sir. We haven’t explored the other caves yet, since the passage is blocked. But I’m sure we’ll find other paintings…”
“Can it be a sham?”
“Everything is genuine,” Bergeron said. “We triple-checked.”
“So, the Earth was visited fourty thousand years ago by a crew of sapient ponies…” Hoegen said.
“Apparently.”
“How the hell am I going to break that to the public?” Hoegen wondered, scratching his head.
Bergeron smiled.
Two hours and six hundred kilometres away, the helicopter landed discreetly outside Bandiagara. The passenger stepped out, hunching to avoid the dust blown by the blades, and lumbered to the jeep which was waiting for him. He opened the rear door and stepped inside. The jeep peeled off.
“Monsieur le Secrétaire général,” a male voice said.
Geerd Hoegen turned his head towards his host. “Professeur Bergeron?” he replied with a strong Dutch accent. He reached out, and both shook hands.
“Peut-être pourrions-nous continuer en anglais ?” Bergeron proposed. “I was told French is not your forte…” He smiled.
“That’s right,” Hoegen replied. “I’m sorry.”
“Never mind, we’ve gotten used to it. It still stings, but… modern times I guess.”
Hoegen looked out the window at the solid darkness. Dawn was still hours away. He yawned. It’d been a long flight from New York. “So what’s the big story?” he asked after a while.
Bergeron sighed. “We discovered it two months ago. It was hidden behind scree, and unknown to anyone. Even the wise had forgotten about this place.”
“Dogons, isn’t it? But why—”
At that moment, the jeep lurched and stopped. Torch light flooded in. Hoegen was blinded, but he vaguely made out the shapes of armed soldiers outside. The driver lowered his window, exchanged a few words, and they moved on.
“We have to keep nosy visitors at bay,” Bergeron explained. “The news has spread something had happened around here. So far, we’ve been successful at repelling trespassers, but secrecy cannot be maintained indefinitely.”
Hoegen nodded. The jeep drove a few hundreds metres ahead, then stopped.
“We’ve arrived,” Bergeron said.
Hoegen got off and looked around. A few metres ahead, a sheer cliff wall rose into the night. At its base, illuminated by the car headlights, a wide crack ran up: the entrance of a cave complex.
“Come in!” Bergeron said, motioning Hoegen ahead. The professor drew a torch from his pocket and walked inside.
The crack led to a short, narrow tunnel, that stretched for about fifty metres before reaching the threshold of a large cave.
“This is ancient,” Bergeron said. “We estimate fourty thousand years. Homo Sapiens’s début. Come here and look up!”.
On the white ceiling above them, Hoegen saw a rough painting, like dark points randomly spattered. A human-like figure stood below them.
“These are constellations,” Bergeron explained. “And here –” with his torch he showed a group of three tiny points – “is Sirius A, B and C.”
“Sirius A, B and C?”
”Yes. Griaule had already found out that Dogons know about Sirius being a double star, which is clearly impossible given their technological level. But here, ‘they’ depicted Sirius as a triple star. Look closer…”
Hoegen craned his neck and squinted. He saw a faint line running from the third point. “There’s a line,” he said.
“Yes,” Bergeron replied and he moved his torch along it until another painting came into view.
“Is that… a… dugout?” Hoegen hesitated.
“A pirogue, yes. A craft of sorts. And…” Bergeron moved his torch again along the line to a third painting.
“What the hell is this?!” Hoegen exclaimed. His eyes widened. He hesitated. “Horses?”
“More like ponies, if the painter respected the sizes. See the man here? Much taller.”
“Horses with wings and horns?” Hoegen asked.
Bergeron shrugged. “Who knows what truth the old legends hold. But look there.”
The spotlight moved to another part of the painting, depicting three ponies, bigger than the the rest of the herd.
“Those three have both wings and horns,” Bergeron said.
“What’s drawn on those two’s flanks? Is that sun and moon?” Hoegen asked.
Bergeron nodded.
“And that star on the third one? What is it?”
“We have no clue, sir. We haven’t explored the other caves yet, since the passage is blocked. But I’m sure we’ll find other paintings…”
“Can it be a sham?”
“Everything is genuine,” Bergeron said. “We triple-checked.”
“So, the Earth was visited fourty thousand years ago by a crew of sapient ponies…” Hoegen said.
“Apparently.”
“How the hell am I going to break that to the public?” Hoegen wondered, scratching his head.
Bergeron smiled.
I appreciate all the touches of real-life character, like the setting and the french, etc. The main problem I run into is the core conceit is meant to be shocking and intriguing, but it's mostly none of those things. Some of that is unavoidable; given the context we know this is gonna relate to ponies somehow, and it's sci-fi-ish, so the thought of aliens isn't really as surprising to the reader as it is to the characters.
But it also feels pretty inauthentic. The brief bit about Sirius as a triple star is nice and helps confirm that there's something going on here, but... Just because there are pictures of ponies and a canoe doesn't really give any reason to jump to aliens. All sorts of ancient civilizations anthropomorphised animals or natural forces, and we don't take those at face value (unless you're the ancient aliens guy what with the hair and all). I think you need a few more tweaks to make that actually land. Maybe finding like one of Celestia's hoof shoe things or something else beyond just a cave painting would help?
But it also feels pretty inauthentic. The brief bit about Sirius as a triple star is nice and helps confirm that there's something going on here, but... Just because there are pictures of ponies and a canoe doesn't really give any reason to jump to aliens. All sorts of ancient civilizations anthropomorphised animals or natural forces, and we don't take those at face value (unless you're the ancient aliens guy what with the hair and all). I think you need a few more tweaks to make that actually land. Maybe finding like one of Celestia's hoof shoe things or something else beyond just a cave painting would help?
This story is structured such that the reveal is supposed to be a reveal, with a 591 words leading up to it. The vast majority of the story is spent getting us to the "It was ponies" idea, which is a problem given we the readers are pretty sure we know the punchline well before that point. This could, potentially, be offset by a strong enough punchline, but I think that falls a bit flat here too, as, honestly, the conclusion drawn seems way too abrupt. Like, I really can't see that being the first place someone's brain goes, even with the star information.
The idea is solid though. I just think you need to sell the punchline better (put a pegasus or unicorn skeleton in there!) or start us at the punchline and then spend the story convincing us of it.
The idea is solid though. I just think you need to sell the punchline better (put a pegasus or unicorn skeleton in there!) or start us at the punchline and then spend the story convincing us of it.
Like >>AndrewRogue and >>sharpspark said, the reveal wasn't a surprise. However, I'll be more measured than them. I've seen the revelation coming from miles away and, even if it could be more punchy, it was good enough.
My main concern is with what >>sharpspark said. They can't draw the conclusion that ponies visited Earth hundreds years ago with these clues. Their knowledge of Sirius being a triple star isn't enough. Many ancient civilisations could pull some impressive feats, but that doesn't mean they got some help from an alien civilisation (unless you're the kind of people believing that the pyramids have been built by aliens).
So yeah, a solid structure a bit rough around the edges. Thank you for sharing.
PS: for anyone able to read French and willing to read more about Dogons, take a look at this book (https://www.babelio.com/livres/Konate-Lempreinte-du-renard/33182)
My main concern is with what >>sharpspark said. They can't draw the conclusion that ponies visited Earth hundreds years ago with these clues. Their knowledge of Sirius being a triple star isn't enough. Many ancient civilisations could pull some impressive feats, but that doesn't mean they got some help from an alien civilisation (unless you're the kind of people believing that the pyramids have been built by aliens).
So yeah, a solid structure a bit rough around the edges. Thank you for sharing.
PS: for anyone able to read French and willing to read more about Dogons, take a look at this book (https://www.babelio.com/livres/Konate-Lempreinte-du-renard/33182)
What the others said. This is solid, and I'm a sucker for stories which feature archaeology (and ancient aliens, though something I consider to be hooey, can still be interesting if it's packaged right), and I particularly like the twist that it's ponies who visited humans, not t'other way 'round, as has been the case in previous writeoff entries.
But the point of it all is pretty obvious, don't you think? Straight from the get-go obvious. The only question I had was whether it'd go with "lost civilization" or "ancient aliens." And, well, that's not really much of a twist, if the reader can both see the twist, and the directions it could potentially go, coming from a mile away. Right?
But the point of it all is pretty obvious, don't you think? Straight from the get-go obvious. The only question I had was whether it'd go with "lost civilization" or "ancient aliens." And, well, that's not really much of a twist, if the reader can both see the twist, and the directions it could potentially go, coming from a mile away. Right?
I loved the story. That last line turned the lights on—I never saw it coming, and it was perfect.
I think one problem is that Friendship is Magic didn't originate from those nationalities. This would make more sense if, at the end of the story, we learn that the character being shown the glyphs was an executive from Hasbro.
Now, a little English lesson on word usage.
In the US we call them flashlights, not torches (the latter are the kind you light), though I think that might be changing in recent years (I'd ask a younger American). Dugout as a noun (as opposed to an adjective) is only used for baseball. I had to look up both scree (rocks) and pirogue ('canoe' is what any English speaker would say), so you've gone a little too far with the twenty-dollar words in such a short space. Possessives with numbers don't appear in English except in rare cases when the number is being anthropomorphized. I think you've accidentally interpreted the pronoun 'one' as a number, and then generalized that interpretation to 'two' where it doesn't work—a natural assumption, but incorrect. You want 'the flanks of these two'.
However, that's not something somepony would say when it's visually obvious to whomever they're speaking, so it sounds like narration from Professor Exposition. I'd probably go with, "What are those pictographs on their haunches*, the Sun and Moon?"
(* Only bronies confuse the haunch with the flank, due to the show. The flank of a horse is the lower-rear part of the barrel, or more generally the side of the barrel. I think.)
I think one problem is that Friendship is Magic didn't originate from those nationalities. This would make more sense if, at the end of the story, we learn that the character being shown the glyphs was an executive from Hasbro.
Now, a little English lesson on word usage.
In the US we call them flashlights, not torches (the latter are the kind you light), though I think that might be changing in recent years (I'd ask a younger American). Dugout as a noun (as opposed to an adjective) is only used for baseball. I had to look up both scree (rocks) and pirogue ('canoe' is what any English speaker would say), so you've gone a little too far with the twenty-dollar words in such a short space. Possessives with numbers don't appear in English except in rare cases when the number is being anthropomorphized. I think you've accidentally interpreted the pronoun 'one' as a number, and then generalized that interpretation to 'two' where it doesn't work—a natural assumption, but incorrect. You want 'the flanks of these two'.
However, that's not something somepony would say when it's visually obvious to whomever they're speaking, so it sounds like narration from Professor Exposition. I'd probably go with, "What are those pictographs on their haunches*, the Sun and Moon?"
(* Only bronies confuse the haunch with the flank, due to the show. The flank of a horse is the lower-rear part of the barrel, or more generally the side of the barrel. I think.)
>>sharpspark
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
You guys totally missed what the ending implied. Like, totally. The 'ponies are aliens' was not the reveal, that was intentionally obvious.
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
You guys totally missed what the ending implied. Like, totally. The 'ponies are aliens' was not the reveal, that was intentionally obvious.
>>Trick_Question
'Dugout' is in fact a thing, just a somewhat obscure thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dugout_canoe
And I'm not sure whether people in Mali would use 'torches' or 'flashlights,' but there's no real reason to expect the US variant. In some ways the language oddities here don't bug me as much, as it's the kind of specialized language used by people within a specific field of study and they're also in-story-canon foreign language speakers so I can wave away the awkwardness as fitting the plot of the story.
Also, it's kind of turning the story on its head, but I think the idea of a Hasbro executive seeing this is really amusing,
haha. That's certainly a weird different direction to take.
'Dugout' is in fact a thing, just a somewhat obscure thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dugout_canoe
And I'm not sure whether people in Mali would use 'torches' or 'flashlights,' but there's no real reason to expect the US variant. In some ways the language oddities here don't bug me as much, as it's the kind of specialized language used by people within a specific field of study and they're also in-story-canon foreign language speakers so I can wave away the awkwardness as fitting the plot of the story.
Also, it's kind of turning the story on its head, but I think the idea of a Hasbro executive seeing this is really amusing,
haha. That's certainly a weird different direction to take.
>>Trick_Question
Oh.
Huh.
If that's the intended joke, yeah, it's a significantly better story than I had thought, even if I don't know that it's highlighted exactly right.
Oh.
Huh.
If that's the intended joke, yeah, it's a significantly better story than I had thought, even if I don't know that it's highlighted exactly right.
>>sharpspark
Sharpy, that's an adjective (dugout canoe is a canoe that has been dug out of a log). I said dugout as a noun is only for baseball, as far as I know.
Sharpy, that's an adjective (dugout canoe is a canoe that has been dug out of a log). I said dugout as a noun is only for baseball, as far as I know.
>>sharpspark
I might be seeing genius where it wasn't intended, but it seems the obvious conclusion. lorem ipsum FiM lorem ipsum is literally the perfect answer there.
EDIT: Also, it's the only reason Bergeron would smile at that question.
I might be seeing genius where it wasn't intended, but it seems the obvious conclusion. lorem ipsum FiM lorem ipsum is literally the perfect answer there.
EDIT: Also, it's the only reason Bergeron would smile at that question.
>>Trick_Question
First line of the linked wikipedia article:
A dugout canoe or simply dugout is a boat made from a hollowed tree trunk.
:P
First line of the linked wikipedia article:
A dugout canoe or simply dugout is a boat made from a hollowed tree trunk.
:P
Ahhhhhhhhhh! Our main characters are Hasboro Executives! Suddenly the story makes more sense! Well, it doesn't make more sense in so far as it was incomprehensible earlier. It just seemed a bit... pointless? Nebulous? Directionless? "Hey, people found hieroglyphics! Alien ponies visited us! The end!" Having this be the origin of the TV show, as a way to introduce the concept to humanity, is really quite clever! There's just one problem with this story:
If I hadn't read through the comment, I'd have had no idea that was what it was about.
So, in short, a very interesting idea very cleverly executed. With the caveat that it may have been a bit TOO clever, and pass right over many people's heads.
If I hadn't read through the comment, I'd have had no idea that was what it was about.
So, in short, a very interesting idea very cleverly executed. With the caveat that it may have been a bit TOO clever, and pass right over many people's heads.
>>TheCyanRecluse
This.
Okay, so the prose here is solid, but the direction isn't there until the subtle Hasbro angle is pointed out. And then... well, wait, no, it still doesn't make all that much sense. My Little Pony existed before Friendship is Magic, and it's not very clear what the exact angle is on making the reveal to the public.
So, hm. Straightforward piece, punchline a little too subtle and falls apart a bit on examination. S'about all I got. The definition of a decent mini, bit above average, you can clearly see what went wrong and how to improve. Thanks for writing!
This.
Okay, so the prose here is solid, but the direction isn't there until the subtle Hasbro angle is pointed out. And then... well, wait, no, it still doesn't make all that much sense. My Little Pony existed before Friendship is Magic, and it's not very clear what the exact angle is on making the reveal to the public.
So, hm. Straightforward piece, punchline a little too subtle and falls apart a bit on examination. S'about all I got. The definition of a decent mini, bit above average, you can clearly see what went wrong and how to improve. Thanks for writing!
I have no idea who these people are and had to read the comments to get that. You should make it more obvious in the story who they are. Also, MLP predates the modern incarnation; wouldn't it make more sense for it to involve someone more recognizable, and possibly someone earlier on, like Bonnie Zacharie?
I think if you want to do something clever like this, I think you'd want to take a more overt approach with who the characters are and what relevance it has.
I think if you want to do something clever like this, I think you'd want to take a more overt approach with who the characters are and what relevance it has.