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I still can't type, so I did this review with computer dictation. Sorry if it's short, this is kind of a pain to work with.
I think I like this, but it feels very bare-bones. That's possibly because a fair amount of words go into setting up this time loop idea? If fewer words were used for that, the background and motivations of the characters could be fleshed out a bit more, possibly. That might be helpful, because as it is now, I'm not really feeling the emotional impact of Twilight's realizations here. I have some idea what happened to her, but I'm not really sure what she feels about it, or why she feels that way.
I like the concepts here, but I feel like the emotional arc is just too stunted for me to be really impressed by it. Still, good work, thanks for writing!
I think I like this, but it feels very bare-bones. That's possibly because a fair amount of words go into setting up this time loop idea? If fewer words were used for that, the background and motivations of the characters could be fleshed out a bit more, possibly. That might be helpful, because as it is now, I'm not really feeling the emotional impact of Twilight's realizations here. I have some idea what happened to her, but I'm not really sure what she feels about it, or why she feels that way.
I like the concepts here, but I feel like the emotional arc is just too stunted for me to be really impressed by it. Still, good work, thanks for writing!
I want to believe Twilight is just stuck living in reruns of Season one.
I digress, this is a neat concept. It would have been nice to get a little more info on whomever caused this isolated time loop, however, I believe it works well enough... as a jumping point. As is usual with minifics, this feels as though it wishes to exist beyond these 750 words.
So... I liked this, I wish we got a bit more meat, but I'm ultimately left wanting more.
The interactions between Derpy and Twilight were nice, though, I'll give you that.
I digress, this is a neat concept. It would have been nice to get a little more info on whomever caused this isolated time loop, however, I believe it works well enough... as a jumping point. As is usual with minifics, this feels as though it wishes to exist beyond these 750 words.
So... I liked this, I wish we got a bit more meat, but I'm ultimately left wanting more.
The interactions between Derpy and Twilight were nice, though, I'll give you that.
This is very well-written and compelling.
The only issue I have is that it isn't a minific. It's the beginning of a story, and it leaves me wanting more: not in a 'sequel' way, but in a 'I don't know what's going on yet' way. You could have supplied an ending, but the story you wanted to write doesn't fit into this format, so you started a story and left it there. I'm left uncertain whether there even is an ending to this story in your mind. Do you know who is responsible for this and what is happening? As a reader, I can't tell from what you've given me whether or not more actually exists beneath the surface of confusion-world.
It isn't clear why Cadance can remember when Twilight cannot, or why she is reluctant out of fear. It also doesn't make a lot of sense that if Derpy is a manifestation of Twilight's thoughts, why she can leave the prison when Twilight cannot. These are issues that could be tied up with a full story, but there isn't a full story here to support them.
Initially I was a bit nonplussed (in the American sense of the word) by the story because almost all of it seemed to be a retelling of Groundhog Day. This didn't change until the last section, because the penultimate section ended with, "What if I put things back together?", which is the main resolution of the book/movie. That statement also doesn't seem to coincide with what Twilight actually attempts to do (use a clever means to make contact with other bubbles).
You're an excellent and creative writer and you have the beginnings of a story here, but this isn't a minific.
The only issue I have is that it isn't a minific. It's the beginning of a story, and it leaves me wanting more: not in a 'sequel' way, but in a 'I don't know what's going on yet' way. You could have supplied an ending, but the story you wanted to write doesn't fit into this format, so you started a story and left it there. I'm left uncertain whether there even is an ending to this story in your mind. Do you know who is responsible for this and what is happening? As a reader, I can't tell from what you've given me whether or not more actually exists beneath the surface of confusion-world.
It isn't clear why Cadance can remember when Twilight cannot, or why she is reluctant out of fear. It also doesn't make a lot of sense that if Derpy is a manifestation of Twilight's thoughts, why she can leave the prison when Twilight cannot. These are issues that could be tied up with a full story, but there isn't a full story here to support them.
Initially I was a bit nonplussed (in the American sense of the word) by the story because almost all of it seemed to be a retelling of Groundhog Day. This didn't change until the last section, because the penultimate section ended with, "What if I put things back together?", which is the main resolution of the book/movie. That statement also doesn't seem to coincide with what Twilight actually attempts to do (use a clever means to make contact with other bubbles).
You're an excellent and creative writer and you have the beginnings of a story here, but this isn't a minific.
>>Trick_Question
This, exactly and completely. Not bad, but it's not a mini, and being jammed into the format pervasively cripples most aspects of the piece. I don't think this can be or wants to be a mini, either. Good idea, but take it back to shorts or longer and put it up on FIMFic. Thanks for writing though!
... is what I would say. Except. Except. I smell a rat, and that rat is named "Companion Pieces."
You're not allowed to write entries based on your own past entries. But as far as I can see in the rules, there's nothing against collaboration in a current round, in the sense of a single author submitting multiple linked entries, or a group of authors getting together and agreeing to write stories about roughly the same idea (as long as they don't vote on each other's.)
And the titles give away the game. I'll be on the lookout for more.
This, exactly and completely. Not bad, but it's not a mini, and being jammed into the format pervasively cripples most aspects of the piece. I don't think this can be or wants to be a mini, either. Good idea, but take it back to shorts or longer and put it up on FIMFic. Thanks for writing though!
... is what I would say. Except. Except. I smell a rat, and that rat is named "Companion Pieces."
You're not allowed to write entries based on your own past entries. But as far as I can see in the rules, there's nothing against collaboration in a current round, in the sense of a single author submitting multiple linked entries, or a group of authors getting together and agreeing to write stories about roughly the same idea (as long as they don't vote on each other's.)
And the titles give away the game. I'll be on the lookout for more.
I didn't get this at all (though I certainly enjoyed reading it; it sits pretty high on my ballot atm), until I read >>Ranmilia's review. At this point, I feel a little cheated. It's hard for me to fully enjoy this story when the context I needed to enjoy it comes from a companion story which I may not have even gotten unless I was diligent enough to read and review every last entry.
To me, that hurts the story, and it might cause it to slip from its lofty place on my ballot. Sorry, author. It's pretty great, and I appreciate that you took a creative risk, but... it's alienated me, just a little bit.
To me, that hurts the story, and it might cause it to slip from its lofty place on my ballot. Sorry, author. It's pretty great, and I appreciate that you took a creative risk, but... it's alienated me, just a little bit.
>>RogerDodger
Both stories are made much better by the addition of the other, so to be fair to the word limit I'll try to rate them each as though I had only read one of them.
Both stories are made much better by the addition of the other, so to be fair to the word limit I'll try to rate them each as though I had only read one of them.
A pretty big idea that the fic is going for. In general done well, but it suffered from the word limit, in that felt like it moved very quickly, with little buildup to the revelations.
It didn't feel as substantiative for derpy to just give her the answers, though logically, it's just Twilight (her subconscience?) coming to a realization. Dunno why, but it felt less satisfying than it might've.
There's a bit of an arc here, though it doesn't feel as deep as it might, given that it's part of a larger, incomplete narrative
It didn't feel as substantiative for derpy to just give her the answers, though logically, it's just Twilight (her subconscience?) coming to a realization. Dunno why, but it felt less satisfying than it might've.
There's a bit of an arc here, though it doesn't feel as deep as it might, given that it's part of a larger, incomplete narrative
I'm flabbergasted by the potential coincidence of how this one's title and content matches the other, and I would sooner suspect these are a collaboration rather than pure coincidence.
But conspiracy theories aside, I'll echo the thoughts that this isn't quite complete on its own. It's generally quite well executed though. Like I could go for reading more of this, and I'd like to for the sake of seeking resolution. This does at least give us a strong state change by the end, though, so we're not left completely hanging. I think this actually does a deft job of cramming an oversized story into a tiny little package.
Actually, of the two pieces, this is the stronger by far, and made a little creepier and unsettling (in a good way) by adding in the first. Put differently, this one comes darn close to standing on its own.
Tier: (Mid, I guess?)
But conspiracy theories aside, I'll echo the thoughts that this isn't quite complete on its own. It's generally quite well executed though. Like I could go for reading more of this, and I'd like to for the sake of seeking resolution. This does at least give us a strong state change by the end, though, so we're not left completely hanging. I think this actually does a deft job of cramming an oversized story into a tiny little package.
Actually, of the two pieces, this is the stronger by far, and made a little creepier and unsettling (in a good way) by adding in the first. Put differently, this one comes darn close to standing on its own.
Tier: (Mid, I guess?)
I began by reading this piece, then I read What She Doesn’t know. This one piece is great. I like the spooky atmosphere and the suggestion there’s something (an enemy?) messing around, something Twilight’s cannot put her hooves on because it lurks just beyond her reach. This is well executed, and heavily reminds me of a Sci-Fi short story whose title I’ve forgotten but which plays around the same theme: a guy wakes up every morning to the same town. Things never change. It seems like he’s the only one to notice the world keeps being reset every night. He starts an enquiry and finds a scary, spooky answer to this (I won’t tattle, as you may be interested in reading it).
Now, I read the other fic, and somehow it was a letdown to me. I found it way less interesting, and, unfortunately, since the two pieces are intimately connected, the latter dragged this one down. What She’s Doesn’t Know is very unclear. What happened to Twilight? Why would Celestia not allow for Twilight’s reforming? What is that trace of evilness that still lingers? Is it Twilight refusing to give up on all her memories? Is it Derpy? Is Derpy a figment of Twilight’s mind just to render her world more hospitable? Or is Derpy the drop of kindness Luna tries to instil into Twilight’s mind? Is she a probe? The conclusion, as the other said, is way too optimistic.
The two pics play well off one another, but — I don’t know. I was left unsatisfied by What She’s Doesn’t Know and that’s a pain because I wanted to like this fic more than I can do now.
Now, I read the other fic, and somehow it was a letdown to me. I found it way less interesting, and, unfortunately, since the two pieces are intimately connected, the latter dragged this one down. What She’s Doesn’t Know is very unclear. What happened to Twilight? Why would Celestia not allow for Twilight’s reforming? What is that trace of evilness that still lingers? Is it Twilight refusing to give up on all her memories? Is it Derpy? Is Derpy a figment of Twilight’s mind just to render her world more hospitable? Or is Derpy the drop of kindness Luna tries to instil into Twilight’s mind? Is she a probe? The conclusion, as the other said, is way too optimistic.
The two pics play well off one another, but — I don’t know. I was left unsatisfied by What She’s Doesn’t Know and that’s a pain because I wanted to like this fic more than I can do now.
This piece feels incomplete. Much like Swimming Against the Current, I feel there is just a little too much background missing (or not quite well enough implied) here for me to really connect with the story. And, again like Swimming Against the Current, I think the story would benefit from a little more description to really sell us on the horrifying and surreal nature of the prison Twilight exists in.
This story is simultaneously too convoluted and too straightforward. We're handed the solution to Derpy's situation in a very straightforward fashion, and we're just given her being weird without enough context to show what "normal" is.
This story simply doesn't fit in 750 words; it just can't really have the desired impact within that space. You need to establish the repetition, the brokenness of the environment, better before you subvert it with Derpy and give Twilight the solution.
This story simply doesn't fit in 750 words; it just can't really have the desired impact within that space. You need to establish the repetition, the brokenness of the environment, better before you subvert it with Derpy and give Twilight the solution.
What She Doesnt Know / Can't Hurt Her
retro / spective
me and sharpspark worked together on this, because it wasn't against the rules. you can't write something based on your own story, but you can write based on someone else's. you can write a parody (Time Enough For Wub), a sequel (Dubs's continuation to Golden Gull) or anything that borrows more information and context from another entry... so why not use one from the same round? I guess Basilisk For One already did this same idea, but we made each half feed into each other, while standing on their own as best they could.
what started as a silly gimmick, to make an interesting little puzzle for readers, grew into something else. we started getting really into this story idea, and we wanted to make something legitimately great as a story. I first thought it would be a comedy, and he suggested a dark story, which I got attached to. we both fleshed it out a lot, including a lot of plot elements in the other's half, and it was a lot of fun doing a writeoff collaboration.
the structure I came up with is that both stories would seem bleak and uncomfortable, but end on an optimistic note, making progress towards victory. when someone notices the shared references and puts them together, the stories turn out to be happening simultaneously, each providing context for the other. and that context delivers the twist: the end is not optimistic at all, but about to turn out very badly. uh oh!
(you can't really do this outside of the writeoff format, because so much of it depends on that natural audience participation and discovery. having them be 2 chapters of the same story takes away a lot of that impact)
I'll leave it to sharpspark to explain all the details and plot elements (and Derpy's secret) because he came up with a lot of those. but actually I just want to leave half the work for him.
did the intended horror story work? I..... have no idea. I think some of the meaning got muddled because of minific limits, fair enough. but a lot of the reviews focused so much on them as individual stories, and whether it was a rules violation or not, that I don't have a clear idea if the combined story succeeded in its intended effect.
retro / spective
me and sharpspark worked together on this, because it wasn't against the rules. you can't write something based on your own story, but you can write based on someone else's. you can write a parody (Time Enough For Wub), a sequel (Dubs's continuation to Golden Gull) or anything that borrows more information and context from another entry... so why not use one from the same round? I guess Basilisk For One already did this same idea, but we made each half feed into each other, while standing on their own as best they could.
what started as a silly gimmick, to make an interesting little puzzle for readers, grew into something else. we started getting really into this story idea, and we wanted to make something legitimately great as a story. I first thought it would be a comedy, and he suggested a dark story, which I got attached to. we both fleshed it out a lot, including a lot of plot elements in the other's half, and it was a lot of fun doing a writeoff collaboration.
the structure I came up with is that both stories would seem bleak and uncomfortable, but end on an optimistic note, making progress towards victory. when someone notices the shared references and puts them together, the stories turn out to be happening simultaneously, each providing context for the other. and that context delivers the twist: the end is not optimistic at all, but about to turn out very badly. uh oh!
(you can't really do this outside of the writeoff format, because so much of it depends on that natural audience participation and discovery. having them be 2 chapters of the same story takes away a lot of that impact)
I'll leave it to sharpspark to explain all the details and plot elements (and Derpy's secret) because he came up with a lot of those. but actually I just want to leave half the work for him.
did the intended horror story work? I..... have no idea. I think some of the meaning got muddled because of minific limits, fair enough. but a lot of the reviews focused so much on them as individual stories, and whether it was a rules violation or not, that I don't have a clear idea if the combined story succeeded in its intended effect.