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Black / Flightcamp
Hardly anyone dies at flight camp.
Windy Willows flew frantically through the trees, the sharp limbs grasping at his wings and scratching into his sides.
Hardly anyone dies, or at least that's what Spitshine said last night. But then Spitshine was always trying to scare Windy, or make fun of him, or beat him up.
Windy was pretty far off course now. The counselors wouldn't have intended for him to be flying through this much underbrush, right? It was the middle of the day, but the thick canopy of trees blocking out the sky overhead, plunging everything into creepy shadows. Windy pressed onwards, ignoring the twinge of pain in his wing.
Spitshine used to live on the ground, a fact he reminded everyone of regularly at Cloudsdale Flight Camp. That's why he said he knew all about the monsters that lived there, the ones that would chase and eat scared baby pegasi.
When Windy paused for even a second, he could hear twigs snapping behind him as something pursued him. He put on another burst of speed, almost crashing into the trunk of a huge oak, desperate to put more space between them. Then he heard the cackling.
The worst of all was the gruesnipe, Spitshine said. It would track down, torture, and kill foals for fun, not even because it was hungry. Though of course the more scared they were, the better they tasted. And when he said this, he stared directly at Windy.
Windy could have flown upwards maybe, tried to break through the branches above and get into open sky, but he knew that the only advantage his weak wings had was in their agility, not strength. He bounced from branch to branch, careening through the undergrowth and falling closer and closer to the ground.
At least Spitshine couldn't pick on Windy at flight camp the way he could at school. The counselors watched them too carefully. It was almost a relief, actually getting to eat his lunch. Not worrying about being shoved into a thundercloud. Not having to make up excuses for the bruises to his parents.
Windy almost slammed into the ground when it rose up in front of him, but beat his wings backwards just in time, still getting a mouthful of dirt for his trouble. His right wing screamed in agony, and Windy knew flying any more would be impossible.
That was the wing that Spitshine had broken, several months ago. It never had healed right. The doctor had said it was probably going to be a permanent problem. He wasn't sure if his parents believed the excuses that time, but he made them anyways.
Windy scrabbled through the dirt, looking for shelter. He saw a cave—well, hardly more than a hole, but close enough—and galloped towards it, his wings twitching painfully as he still tried to use them to speed himself along.
After Spitshine had broken his wing, he had explained exactly why Windy wasn't going to say anything about it. He had talked very clearly about what he would do if Windy squealed. Not to Windy, no. Windy already faced the worst that Spitshine could do on a nearly daily basis. But Windy could still taste the blood and vomit in his mouth as he laid in agony, looking up at Spitshine's cruel smile as he described in detail exactly what he would do to Windy's little sister Violet.
Inside the cave, Windy's hooves found a rock, heavy and sharp along one edge. He let out a breath. His lips absently found a smile as a new sense of clarity settled around him. He didn't feel particularly scared any more. He didn't feel much of anything.
An equine silhouette appeared at the mouth of the cave, peering around as it made growling noises, in between snorts of laughter. Windy waited for the right moment.
The camp counselors were in a total panic by the time Windy finally dragged himself back to the clearing where they were supposed to meet, several hours late. When they saw him, covered in dirt and scratches and even some dried blood, they were horrified but also relieved. He explained how he had gotten lost. When they asked him if he had seen anypony else out in the woods, he said no, and they sent him on to the nurse.
The search teams started looking for Spitshine that night.
Hardly anyone dies at flight camp. But sometimes, every now and again, a kid goes missing.
Windy Willows flew frantically through the trees, the sharp limbs grasping at his wings and scratching into his sides.
Hardly anyone dies, or at least that's what Spitshine said last night. But then Spitshine was always trying to scare Windy, or make fun of him, or beat him up.
Windy was pretty far off course now. The counselors wouldn't have intended for him to be flying through this much underbrush, right? It was the middle of the day, but the thick canopy of trees blocking out the sky overhead, plunging everything into creepy shadows. Windy pressed onwards, ignoring the twinge of pain in his wing.
Spitshine used to live on the ground, a fact he reminded everyone of regularly at Cloudsdale Flight Camp. That's why he said he knew all about the monsters that lived there, the ones that would chase and eat scared baby pegasi.
When Windy paused for even a second, he could hear twigs snapping behind him as something pursued him. He put on another burst of speed, almost crashing into the trunk of a huge oak, desperate to put more space between them. Then he heard the cackling.
The worst of all was the gruesnipe, Spitshine said. It would track down, torture, and kill foals for fun, not even because it was hungry. Though of course the more scared they were, the better they tasted. And when he said this, he stared directly at Windy.
Windy could have flown upwards maybe, tried to break through the branches above and get into open sky, but he knew that the only advantage his weak wings had was in their agility, not strength. He bounced from branch to branch, careening through the undergrowth and falling closer and closer to the ground.
At least Spitshine couldn't pick on Windy at flight camp the way he could at school. The counselors watched them too carefully. It was almost a relief, actually getting to eat his lunch. Not worrying about being shoved into a thundercloud. Not having to make up excuses for the bruises to his parents.
Windy almost slammed into the ground when it rose up in front of him, but beat his wings backwards just in time, still getting a mouthful of dirt for his trouble. His right wing screamed in agony, and Windy knew flying any more would be impossible.
That was the wing that Spitshine had broken, several months ago. It never had healed right. The doctor had said it was probably going to be a permanent problem. He wasn't sure if his parents believed the excuses that time, but he made them anyways.
Windy scrabbled through the dirt, looking for shelter. He saw a cave—well, hardly more than a hole, but close enough—and galloped towards it, his wings twitching painfully as he still tried to use them to speed himself along.
After Spitshine had broken his wing, he had explained exactly why Windy wasn't going to say anything about it. He had talked very clearly about what he would do if Windy squealed. Not to Windy, no. Windy already faced the worst that Spitshine could do on a nearly daily basis. But Windy could still taste the blood and vomit in his mouth as he laid in agony, looking up at Spitshine's cruel smile as he described in detail exactly what he would do to Windy's little sister Violet.
Inside the cave, Windy's hooves found a rock, heavy and sharp along one edge. He let out a breath. His lips absently found a smile as a new sense of clarity settled around him. He didn't feel particularly scared any more. He didn't feel much of anything.
An equine silhouette appeared at the mouth of the cave, peering around as it made growling noises, in between snorts of laughter. Windy waited for the right moment.
---
The camp counselors were in a total panic by the time Windy finally dragged himself back to the clearing where they were supposed to meet, several hours late. When they saw him, covered in dirt and scratches and even some dried blood, they were horrified but also relieved. He explained how he had gotten lost. When they asked him if he had seen anypony else out in the woods, he said no, and they sent him on to the nurse.
The search teams started looking for Spitshine that night.
Hardly anyone dies at flight camp. But sometimes, every now and again, a kid goes missing.
Hardly anyone dies at flight camp.
Ah, yes. One of those delightful phrases which sounds innocent enough at first until you actually think about what it means, like: "Yeah, that growth looks harmless enough." or "I'm sure there won't be permanent damages".
Anyway. I like the idea you have here. Bullying someone to the point they fight back, and the crime is never discovered.
I like it, but I feel this needs some polish. The chase scene feels a bit disconnected, you could do a better job of getting the reader to feel Windy's fear, to make his anxiety come through.
Stuff like this: "His right wing screamed in agony, and Windy knew flying any more would be impossible."
That's great, give us more details about how he's feeling. Short of breath? Hyperventilating? Tears don't let him see clearly? Go beyond simply telling us his actions and it'll be easier for the reader to sympathise with him and better understand his motivations for when he does what he later does.
All in all, not bad, but far from great.
Dark, man. I love it.
Contexualize the chase a little more, though, and the circumstances for it. I get the feeling that Windy's plan here is to lure Spitshine away from the camp so he can murder him, both as retaliation for all the abuse, and because Spitshine threatened his sister, but despite all the backstory elements at play, there's not a lot here to explain the action of the story. I'm inferring that this is all part of Windy's plan, but it could just as easily be that Spitshine chased him into the woods, and Windy killed him simply out of self-defense, and even then, only because the opportunity presented itself.
Contexualize the chase a little more, though, and the circumstances for it. I get the feeling that Windy's plan here is to lure Spitshine away from the camp so he can murder him, both as retaliation for all the abuse, and because Spitshine threatened his sister, but despite all the backstory elements at play, there's not a lot here to explain the action of the story. I'm inferring that this is all part of Windy's plan, but it could just as easily be that Spitshine chased him into the woods, and Windy killed him simply out of self-defense, and even then, only because the opportunity presented itself.
EDIT EVEN MOAR: This is well-written and compelling. My reaction below is/was flavored by my brain, which is not completely fair. I will probably end up voting on it after all. It's not a bad story, it just rubbed me the wrong way.
Hurray! It's great because the kid who died was presumably meaner than the other one! :yay: And it's even better because the other one is permanently crippled. Win/win.
No. Seriously, I don't get catharsis from this, I just feel awful. And I always feel awful, so when I feel more awful it takes some extra-special awful. This is well-written,but this is now the first fic I've ever intentionally abstained on (once I get around to voting).
As for help, two things. First:
This actually confused me because I thought you were still be referring back to Windy with 'he', given the full context of the previous paragraph (even though the pronoun appears right after Spitshine, it didn't work for me). One easy solution would be to make Spitshine female by using 'she' there (which would also add color), but then from what I understand, it's perfectly fine to bash a small child's skull in with a rock, but only if they have a penis. So I guess that may not help.
Second, I'm not a huge fan of the small-sentence-bookending. I see this on a lot of the minifics that are well written in the Writeoff, and I don't know why the trope is so common among the better authors here. It always stands out to me as an attempt at boldface-type enforced poignancy. In this case it's not quite as bad, because the second sentence adds a new characterization (which is rather good). But still, why not rephrase the first sentence slightly the second time rather than parroting it exactly? You don't need to do that to make it stand out.
Also, take all this with a grain of salt because I am super messed-up psychologically at the moment and need to sleep. As I said, it's very well written.
EDIT: Is the kid Black? What's with the title?
EDIT EDIT: TBD? I guess I can see it, but I have to make guesses. I don't care though my prompt was stupid.
Hurray! It's great because the kid who died was presumably meaner than the other one! :yay: And it's even better because the other one is permanently crippled. Win/win.
No. Seriously, I don't get catharsis from this, I just feel awful. And I always feel awful, so when I feel more awful it takes some extra-special awful. This is well-written,
As for help, two things. First:
Spitshine used to live on the ground, a fact he reminded everyone of regularly at Cloudsdale Flight Camp.
This actually confused me because I thought you were still be referring back to Windy with 'he', given the full context of the previous paragraph (even though the pronoun appears right after Spitshine, it didn't work for me). One easy solution would be to make Spitshine female by using 'she' there (which would also add color), but then from what I understand, it's perfectly fine to bash a small child's skull in with a rock, but only if they have a penis. So I guess that may not help.
Second, I'm not a huge fan of the small-sentence-bookending. I see this on a lot of the minifics that are well written in the Writeoff, and I don't know why the trope is so common among the better authors here. It always stands out to me as an attempt at boldface-type enforced poignancy. In this case it's not quite as bad, because the second sentence adds a new characterization (which is rather good). But still, why not rephrase the first sentence slightly the second time rather than parroting it exactly? You don't need to do that to make it stand out.
Also, take all this with a grain of salt because I am super messed-up psychologically at the moment and need to sleep. As I said, it's very well written.
EDIT: Is the kid Black? What's with the title?
EDIT EDIT: TBD? I guess I can see it, but I have to make guesses. I don't care though my prompt was stupid.
I'm facing the same dissonance that >>Posh is here regarding whether this is pre-meditated or not. The ambiguity here is frustrating, because it feels like the story is cheating a bit to have it both ways, structuring itself with conflicting information such that it isn't really possible to reach a conclusion. The progression of thought and the very calm killing and no worries after kinda indicate the former, while the actual character actions (e.g. contemplating bursting up and out of the canopy) indicate otherwise.
That said, solid thriller piece otherwise, but yeah, that is a real frustrating thing.
That said, solid thriller piece otherwise, but yeah, that is a real frustrating thing.
This had some good atmosphere and descriptions going, but then threw it all away to grab at shock value.
Don't kill kids to get Writeoff votes.
Threats of (at least violence and what I read as) implied rape against even younger children, those are no good either.
Since it's a mini, there isn't much else going on, we can't ask questions about the camp or the counselors or why nobody saw or reported any of this, or how search parties can fail to find a magical pony body in a magical setting. It's all in on the shock value of the brutal bullying and the twist end, and that is a complete no-sell for me.
See above comments for some structural issues, the piece seems to cheat a bit to hide the twist.
Thank you for participating. I hope writing this was a learning experience, and that you will continue to enter future rounds and grow as a writer.
Don't kill kids to get Writeoff votes.
Threats of (at least violence and what I read as) implied rape against even younger children, those are no good either.
Since it's a mini, there isn't much else going on, we can't ask questions about the camp or the counselors or why nobody saw or reported any of this, or how search parties can fail to find a magical pony body in a magical setting. It's all in on the shock value of the brutal bullying and the twist end, and that is a complete no-sell for me.
See above comments for some structural issues, the piece seems to cheat a bit to hide the twist.
Thank you for participating. I hope writing this was a learning experience, and that you will continue to enter future rounds and grow as a writer.
Genre: Daaaaaaaark
Thoughts: Bravo, author. In a really short span of words you've made me care about a character, feel deeply for his struggles, and given me a reason not to completely turn away as he commits to a dark path. Now obviously the kind of bullying and torment that the character has been through is precision tuned to engender lots of sympathy, and the implied threat of rape against his younger sister is... shall we say, the nuclear option for driving home that the bad guy is irredeemably bad, and that the protagonist is suffering silently in pursuit of the best end he can see being achievable.
I think it works, though. Yes it's painting with broad brushstrokes when you slow down and analyze it, but the way it frames things up and slowly introduces detail and backstory makes for an engrossing experience while reading. I feel that the tropes aren't obtrusive, even though they're big and broad and fully on display.
As for the ending... yes, killing is badness. But by that point the story has at least given us enough of a view inside this character's life and experiences to not make it a shocking leap for the sake of shocking us. I fully realize that some people are just plain going to balk at that, and I'm not looking to celebrate it as revenge-fantasy either, but I think it could make sense as part of the character's arc as-presented (which is a huge arc for such a tiny space).
Controversial or not, I think this makes excellent use of the minific format.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Bravo, author. In a really short span of words you've made me care about a character, feel deeply for his struggles, and given me a reason not to completely turn away as he commits to a dark path. Now obviously the kind of bullying and torment that the character has been through is precision tuned to engender lots of sympathy, and the implied threat of rape against his younger sister is... shall we say, the nuclear option for driving home that the bad guy is irredeemably bad, and that the protagonist is suffering silently in pursuit of the best end he can see being achievable.
I think it works, though. Yes it's painting with broad brushstrokes when you slow down and analyze it, but the way it frames things up and slowly introduces detail and backstory makes for an engrossing experience while reading. I feel that the tropes aren't obtrusive, even though they're big and broad and fully on display.
As for the ending... yes, killing is badness. But by that point the story has at least given us enough of a view inside this character's life and experiences to not make it a shocking leap for the sake of shocking us. I fully realize that some people are just plain going to balk at that, and I'm not looking to celebrate it as revenge-fantasy either, but I think it could make sense as part of the character's arc as-presented (which is a huge arc for such a tiny space).
Controversial or not, I think this makes excellent use of the minific format.
Tier: Top Contender
This is the sort of kid killing I can 100% get behind. This sort of dark story about children can be fun to read, and I've read a few things which are similarish - depicting a child killing another child for various dark little reasons - which work well.
I feel like this one achieved its goal. The story has solid bookends and construction.
My biggest problem is that it is ambiguous at what point the character realized that he was being chased by the bully; specifically, did he realize what was going on before or after he grabbed the rock? That changes the context of the story a bit, and I feel like a bit more clarity on this point would be helpful. If it was after, it feels more impulsive; if it was before, though, then it feels more premeditated.
I feel like this one achieved its goal. The story has solid bookends and construction.
My biggest problem is that it is ambiguous at what point the character realized that he was being chased by the bully; specifically, did he realize what was going on before or after he grabbed the rock? That changes the context of the story a bit, and I feel like a bit more clarity on this point would be helpful. If it was after, it feels more impulsive; if it was before, though, then it feels more premeditated.
Well, this was a bright, cheery piece, wasn't it?
I very much enjoyed it though. It built up nicely, setting up the atmosphere. Making it clear just what a monster Spitshine is, and just how desperate Windy is. My only issue is that I can't quite pin down the ages of the characters. They have to be fairly young, since Windy seems to believe some of the tails about monsters on the ground, and Spinshine calls him a foal. Their behavior isn't the sort of thing you generally see from older teenagers. More like younger children or tweens perhaps. Yet it's hard to imagine a child that age resorting to violence/murder like this.
In any case, despite being dark as the bottom of a mineshaft, this was quite entertaining. Definitely goiung towards the top of my slate.
I very much enjoyed it though. It built up nicely, setting up the atmosphere. Making it clear just what a monster Spitshine is, and just how desperate Windy is. My only issue is that I can't quite pin down the ages of the characters. They have to be fairly young, since Windy seems to believe some of the tails about monsters on the ground, and Spinshine calls him a foal. Their behavior isn't the sort of thing you generally see from older teenagers. More like younger children or tweens perhaps. Yet it's hard to imagine a child that age resorting to violence/murder like this.
In any case, despite being dark as the bottom of a mineshaft, this was quite entertaining. Definitely goiung towards the top of my slate.
I don't think the intention of this story was to be cathartic. I get the feeling that this was a tragedy, a long sequence of compounding failings, of missed opportunities and of solitude. Or at least that is what I got.
From a technical point of view, there's not much I can add. Like >>Zaid Val'Roa said, with a bit more space you could expand on the descriptions that make us feel Windy's panic and fear. It would help to frame the successive action better.
While it is a good story, I feel we need a bit more context to make it great. As it stands, it has been a good if not exactly entertaining read. Thank you for it.
From a technical point of view, there's not much I can add. Like >>Zaid Val'Roa said, with a bit more space you could expand on the descriptions that make us feel Windy's panic and fear. It would help to frame the successive action better.
While it is a good story, I feel we need a bit more context to make it great. As it stands, it has been a good if not exactly entertaining read. Thank you for it.