Ahh, Kos... or some say, Kosm... Do you hear our prayers? Grant us eyes, grant us eyes! Plant eyes on our brains to cleanse us of this beastly idiocy!

I giggled. I generally agree that choosing Twilight for this is a bit off (I mean, I feel she would have had to notice this), but otherwise it is a cute little thing that's a good use of the prompt. No real complaints here.

I came to the same conclusion as >>JudgeDeadd. And I have to agree with everyone else who said that the mood was set really well, but the story is completely lacking in payoff.

I was surprised to see how controversial this story was when I read the comments. Personally, I think the story is hilarious. I guess I can understand some of the arguments, but I really don't see how this can be read as anything but a comedy.

I'm sure this story isn't perfect and it could probably be improved, but right now, it is sitting very comfortably at the top of my slate.
(Admittedly, I've only read seven stories so far, but I will be surprised if this ends up getting knocked down more than one or two spots. I have now finished my slate, and this is still my favorite story by a mile.)

I imagine you were going for "warm and fuzzy" but I don't think it quite gets there. It comes much closer to "bland" than "heartwarming" for me.

The ending is certainly something you could work with, but I think the rest of the story needs to do a better job of leading up to it. If Celestia is seeing Twilight as a daughter or a surrogate for Luna, show that to us. You might have been able to get away with being really subtle about it (though I think you still shouldn't have) if the story was from any other point of view. But since it's told from Celestia's point of view, you can't just ignore those thoughts/feelings.

This is a comedy.

Its amusing and solidly written, but I do have a bit of an issue with the crux of the joke being that Luna is literally just that fucking stupid. I mean, it kinda functions, but it is a really large thing to hang the entirety of the fic on.

Seriously, there is a lot of whack comedy this round on my slate.

I don't actually have much to add to the above commentary. This is largely a by the numbers comedy through absurdity style story. A lot like Twilight's First Night, it is sufficient, but doesn't really do anything that endears me to it beyond the moment I read it. The dialogue has a few nice beats and that's... mostly it, really. Honestly, this is kind of the "don't mind the squid" gag from a few Discworld books, except blown up to minific length rather than just being a couple sentences.

It also has a bit of a problem in that I'm not sure if the bug thing is actually supposed to be the key joke and Twi is just hella overreacting. The text doesn't actually seem to particularly clarify that point, making the choice of leaving them as bugs really bizarre.

It either needs to punch harder or have something else backing it.

So I'll go on record here stating that I bet dollars to doughnuts that this is inspired by some combo of HP Lovecraft, the Deep Ones, and the Innsmouth Look. Lemme know, author!

I'm also pretty sure that the punchline here seems to be shaped as Figment is a Changeling and doesn't know it. Which... honestly takes a slightly larger leap of logic than I'd like to get to. And yeah, the conclusion is weird with that in mind.

All told, I think the idea and structure is good, but minific was not the right round for it. You don't get enough time to lean on the suspense and slow descent into madness. Which is all I think this really needs, a bit more time to dwell on its mystery and bring forth more creep factor.

Rarijack? Meh.

I guess there's nothing really wrong with this story. It just has no appeal to me at all. It's a good use of Simple Ways, though it completely ignores the actual canon relationships from that episode. ;P

I am always in favor of more stories about Best Filly.

I have to wonder how Diamond already knows about Silver/Silver's mom. I guess she pays more attention to the who's who around town or something.

The conclusion here seems a bit at odds with canon. When we see Silver in the show, she hasn't been ignoring the other foals, she's been teasing them and trying to show off to them. I'm sure we can chalk it up to Diamond's continued influence, but it's still kind of disappointing to know that the whole point of the story won't last for very long.

Still, I think this is a pretty good story overall.

Haunted - You know, this one is pretty darned good. Character arcs, workable dialogue, a build-up and a solution. A quality work.

Poetry - Never question an author, because they have immense power over their subjects. And they like popsicles.

I can tell that this is somehow building off of one of those recent episodes that I haven't seen yet, but I'm not sure how much.

This could definitely use a good editing pass. There were a few missing words that were particularly distracting. And a lot of the dialogue does not feel very "Maud" to me.

Still the idea here is good, and I think that it could turn into a great story with some work.

>>CoffeeMinion Extra mashups brought to you by the Ponyville Beet Council - Enjoy a fine Ponyville Beet at your dinner table tonight. Nothing Beats our Beets.
-

Twilight's First Eyeball in Canterlot Castle - Young filly Twilight Sparkle moves into her rooms, where she finds a magnificent bed, a beautiful floating hourglass, and an eyeball the size of a pony's head floating in her kitchenette. Thankfully, it's plastic.

It's Your Housefly! The Widow Cried - A fly gets into Luna's room. She decides the best way to kill it is to outlive it.

Those Who Go Down To The Sea In Headaches - A pirate crew decides drinking beats going out and raiding other ships. The crews of the other ships agree too. Much beer is had by all. Many regrets happen the next morning. Thankfully, there is more beer.

Complete uncontrollable wrath is what they possessed.

Just a note, real quick: this is what's known as "passive voice," and it's generally advised not to use it.

Pony tulpa, eh?

Mmmmmmmmmm. I like the idea here, but I'm not sure you chose the right framework for it. This is going to come off harsher than intended, but you chose the least interesting permutation of this in that the primary viewpoint character (Celestia) already knows the answer to the mystery, which kinda deprives us of a story/mystery, if that makes sense. Honestly, this might be a case of the idea just being too big for a mini in the end, which forced you to that. But it keeps all the interesting stuff (the Pie Family decisions, uncovering the secrets of Tulpas, etc, etc) sidelined.

Still, neat idea.

Not a whole lot to add that others already haven't said.

Good imagery here, 'silence draped itself across the room like a second skin'. I'll agree that it built off the prompt very nicely, and the metaphor worked for me. There were occasional bits that didn't jive, like strokes 'battering' the wall, and that particular ship feels like it's out of left field.

Still, the pros easily outweigh the cons here.

Damn, this is good. Very well written throughout, and I'm having a hard time finding any flaws to point out. I see things I would change, but... it would only make it different, not better. Enough others have praised the good parts that I'll save myself the time writing those as well. Suffice to say, I really liked this one!

This is absolutely hilarious, and works so well... EXCEPT for the prompt being wedgied uncomfortably into a crack in the middle. Outside of that, great puns.

Even the great gator Archimedes made his most notable discovery thanks to his Eureka moment.

"I know! How about you have a bath? I'll go and make it extra bubbly!"

This part is great. It's an obvious reference to the that Archimedes-Eureka-bathtub story, and it implies that maybe Pinkie can understand Gummy to some extent, or at least that they're on the same wavelength. I really wish that you had kept that idea in the rest of Pinkie's interruptions.

There's a conspicuous lack of Opal in here too. It seems natural that Gummy would have something to say about her, since Pinkie is talking about Rarity. It might have been better to change Pinkie's crush from Rarity to Twilight just so you could reinforce the rivalry with Owlowiscious. You probably could have pulled something like that off in 75 words.

And why did you spell Gummy's name with an I?

Overall, I think the story is interesting, but not particularly exciting. I think it will end up in the high-middle area of my slate.

This is very solidly written, but the subject matter itself is pretty basic. So yeah, a good and realistically portrayed view in the mind of anyone that's every questions friendship becoming more, but... there are a lot of stories on that. Sold, but not top tier for me.

Hmm... well written, and I was looking forward to seeing where the training went. The last bit then happens, and I now have no idea what's going on. Unfortunately, that leaves my overall take on this as "a good description of martial arts" and not much more.

This is one of the rare minifics that should actually be shorter. There is one gag here, and it's a bit funny, but the middle drags too long and lessens the comedy. Some good wordplay though. Tea-Totaler, and the bit about the hospital gave me a chuckle.

I give this 10 murdered Sonata Dusks out of 10.

I can't say too much more than what others have. My take is that this is a well written piece, but doesn't do much. The ending "reveal" is too obvious, so that's a letdown. Then again, it was so obvious that had it been some real twist, I probably would've felt tricked. Bottom line, I'm not sure what you want me to take away from this after reading it, and that means it only makes mid tier.

As others have said, well written, but isn't really pony, and isn't really on prompt. So great job, and I enjoyed the read, but I can't score this highly I'm afraid.

Twilight squared her shoulders. “As long as I have a dictionary to look up any words I don’t know, I can read anything.”

Okay, I loved this bit. This is an excellent piece of characterization for filly-Twilight, and it's adorable, too.

On a more serious note, my takeaway from the ending is that Princess Celestia wants to ignore these motherly impulses she's having around Twilight. This leads me to two conclusions: mentioning Princess Luna muddies this idea, and that Princess Celestia is worried about coddling her. If the second point is correct, then Princess Luna actually needs a little more attention. Princess Celestia needs to wrestle with the consequences of coddling Twilight, knowing the trials her student will someday face.

Point is, Princess Celestia is struggling with her emotions at the end of this story. Take the next logical step and illustrate why she's struggling with them and how much of a struggle it is.

She's way too understanding of her own failings (which is actually a sign of maturing) to do that "You can't fire me, I quit" bit at the end. As that's kinda the crux of the story, it makes the rest fall apart for me. Not badly written overall, but I'm not sure what I'm support to learn from this.

I definitely agree with what >>AndrewRogue said about the (lack of a) punchline. It didn't take long to figure out that this was about Rainbow failing and potentially getting expelled. So I was expecting some sort of twist or surprise in there somewhere. But no, it's just "Hey, Rainbow's failing out of flight school! Let's watch that happen!"

I guess it works as a character piece, but it's not one I found particularly engaging.

And the ending doesn't really fit with what we've seen in the show. I'm sure that Rainbow thinks her life is over at that moment, but we've seen her accomplish everything she could have imagined and more. It feels like instead of ending with Rainbow giving up and crying over her lost future, it should end with her committing to not let anything hold her back. Then we would smile and say "Yeah, she did do that. She turned her life around, and rose above her terrible situation. Isn't that awesome?"

Still, I don't think this is a bad story. It can use a bit of work, it's probably not really for me anyway, but it's not bad.

Limestone's hostility feels rather unwarranted. In Hearthbreakers, she doesn't seem to foster any resentment for Pinkie Pie. Limestone is certainly a... grumpy pony, but it doesn't feel like Pinkie is a particular target.

But let's allow that this is a filly lashing out. Claiming that Pinkie Pie "never liked them" also feels unsupported. In Cutie Mark Chronicles, Pinkie Pie goes through the trouble of throwing a party for her family (sisters included), and everypony has a great time together. This story almost certainly takes place after these events, given that Pinkie is described as "overflowing with spirit and joy".

In the end, it feels like Limestone has been characterized as hostile simply for the sake of being hostile. If she means the things she says, then it seems unjustified. And if she's just saying these things to mask how she truly feels, then it needs to be a bit more apparent. As it is, it feels pretty genuine.

Not bad, overall, but unfortunately doesn't do anything a dozen other "changelings are ponies too" stories haven't already done. Specifically, I mean the "it's okay if you're actually a changeling" bit. The resolution and prompt are both forced in far too quickly at the end.

Mostly a reflective piece that only vaguely applies the prompt. Sadly, doesn't really have much impact on me, as it's not showing anything new that I haven't already seen in many other stories.

I think this one bites off more than it can chew. There is some really interesting stuff suggested here, but the scenario itself remains frustratingly vague. It's a common complaint in the minifics that things are too short, but I think this story suffers a lot more from the tight wordcount than most. Would love to see a longer version of this fleshing out details.

Hmm... I'm not sure how to take this one. It's both seriously tragic, and yet full of what should be comedic elements. I can't say the mash up works for me, as it just generally makes me uncomfortable... but that IS an impact, and one which is probably intentional, so points for that.

A great literal-minded question to ask... and the "only one eyeball" is a fun twist too... but the end just falls flat. The meta-answer/parody kinda ruins the "serious inquiry" mood the rest had set. I wanted some deep dark secret about pony anatomy (their brains are in their chests?) instead of a fandom meta-joke.

A very dialogue-heavy and somewhat absurd comedy? If I didn't know better, I would suspect that I wrote this. (Which of course means that I have to guess it was actually FrontSevens ;P )

All this is really missing is a strong punchline. As others have said, the comedy is a little weak, but it would be perfectly fine if it just had a nice, solid punchline it was building up to. Personally, I would have gone with Spike and Twilight finding a way to "banish" the demons to Celestia's castle or the human world (which is where I thought this was going when they talked about Starswirl banishing monsters), or possibly just telling Starlight to deal with them as her next friendship assignment.

And >>Misternick is definitely right about the story working better with Trixie. In fact, that would have let you mostly keep the ending. Just have Trixie convince Spike (or whoever's replacing him) to ignore the demons and leave the castle and let Twilight deal with them on her own.

I concur with those who've noted the Petriculture similarities, and also with those who feel this needs more words than you had on hand to give it.

>>Monokeras

The first sentence, formal as it be, seems incorrect to me. You wrote: Whoever she be, Princess, she be possessed by a demon! While your use of the subjunctive in the first clause is bang on, since that clause casts a doubt on what Pinkie will become, the second one, on the contrary, is a definite affirmation that “she will be possessed by a demon” and, therefore, the use of the subjunctive is improper. You should instead use the simple future tense to mark that this is an unavoidable fate: Whoever she be, Princess, she shall be possessed by a demon!

No, what's written is fine. It's archaic for "she is (currently) possessed by a demon", as in right now.

>>georg

It's Your Housefly! The Widow Cried

This one would have a lot of potential. It would definitely make for an amusing read.

So, I think what would help balance this story out a bit would be if the first section were shorter. It kinda goes around in circles as it is. Not terribly so, mind you, but it can safely be trimmed away without losing too much.

My big question here is, what did Princess Luna do that makes her to blame? If it were simply a guard dying in the line of duty, wouldn't both Princesses be to blame?

As a side note, one of the many things I enjoyed was how the timeskip was revealed. It's like,

Celestia: "Luna, that was thousands of years ago."
Luna: "Really? Feels like just yesterday."

It's been over four years since Magical Mystery Cure. Are we really not done with these "immortality blues" stories yet?
I don't think there's really anything too wrong with this story, but it's not any different from all the other ones like it that I got tired of reading years ago. Someone who likes this type of story will probably think that this one's pretty good. But to me, it's just so overdone that it's bland and boring.

I give it a solid "meh."

And how fitting that this story was the last one on my slate.

She had taken lovers before, some for longer than others. But they had all passed on, as was their wont as mortals, and they had never fully grasped the burden of immortality and the burden of ruling. Luna had known both with the familiarity of long experience, and there was no other with whom Celestia could share her frustrations and expect a response of true understanding.

The thought of creating another alicorn had occurred to them both, but their previous efforts had been fruitless.

I imagine this is totally unintentional, but that is the most implied incesty thing I have read in the Writeoff. Be careful with how you position ideas. Going straight from lovers to sister to making new life puts a very specific set of ideas in mind.

Anyhow, this more or less goes on the competent but forgettable pile. It is sad sunbutt. It does sad sunbutt things. It does them okay. But it really doesn't do anything particularly gripping or exciting and, frankly, I think trying to be cute with Starswirl's spell is a bit to the detriment of the story since those words could have been used to liven up the pathos or voicing or something. Just give it a little more edge or an angle or something.

There's never a good place to have grammatical errors, awkwardly structured phrases/sentences, etc., but the opening paragraph is one of the two worst (the other being the closing paragraph). That's a pretty good way to lose the benefit of the doubt when it comes to such errors elsewhere.

Quite a bit of this story is Pinkie Pie demonstrating why she is worst Mane 6. I recognize this may be a somewhat controversial position, so allow me to defend it:
Pinkie is more prone to overreaction than even Rarity and has been known to be even more insensitive than Rainbow Dash. She thinks at odd angles to everyone else, which is occasionally useful but more often not and sometimes actively counterproductive - and she's bad at communicating her thoughts (to be fair, that fault's hardly unique to her, but it amplifies the difficulties caused by her unusual approaches to things). Even when she's aware that she's screwed up, I rarely get the sense that she knows why what she did was wrong (or at least, the wrong thing to do), meaning I have less confidence that she won't make the same or a similar mistake again.
In short, she is aggressively childlike, in a way that is very out of place when compared to the rest of the Element bearers - which might not be so bad if they weren't all supposed to be more or less the same age she is, maybe a little bit older. As it is, though, she's in the position of being someone who really ought to know better but doesn't seem to, which makes her difficult to write in a way that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out. (Also, "lolrandom" can go die in a fire. Not that that's relevant to this story, just in general.)

>>Xepher notes that Pinkie is "the princess of pranks", which suggests something that might make her actions in the first half of this story somewhat more palatable to me: Pinkie could be aware that Starlight and Maud are trying to pull one over on her, and she's counter-pranking them by going along with it and seeing how dedicated they are to staying in character. I would be fine with that. The only problem is, there's nothing actually in the story that indicates that's the case.

I didn't mind the ending, at least not as much as some people seem to have, but it didn't really grab me.

This was a very good emotional piece; I thought you captured the dynamics of a relationship very well, and it's a very interesting idea and pairing.

It is kind of jarring for me, though, to see an unusual couple like that, as well as the fact that Moondancer moved to Griffonstone, right at the very start of the story; while it's explained later in the text, I was kind of knocked off kilter for a bit while I got myself used to the idea.

I'm also having a hard time figuring out how the story follows the prompt. What thing about Gilda/Moondancer's relationship have the two of them been ignoring to the point that it turns into the confrontation we see here?

Anyway, this is a great seed for a larger story with an interesting and unique premise.

Thanks for sharing!

This feels like a couple of the writeoff stories I've done, in that it's more an event or series thereof than a story and the ending doesn't quite gel with everything that came before.

Nice joke. Unfortunately, this is not based on the prompt to a reasonable and discernible degree, nor does it meet the minimum length requirement after subtracting sections that were copy/paste repeated multiple times (see https://writeoff.me/fic/4249-Inevitability for precedent).

Additionally, it does not fulfill the criteria of "Fiction based on Friendship is Magic;" everything in the entry is nonfiction and established as fact. Especially the part about Fluttershy being the most interesting mare in the world.

Edit: One easy way to improve this and make it meet the requirements would be to write a short frame story around it. The Mane Six all go in and produce commercials for [reason], then show the commercials as written, then some sort of concluding joke about the aftermath. I really wish there'd been something like that, that would make this an easy slate topper instead of a DQ. It is very funny anyway! Thanks for writing!

This is a barebones writing exercise, using a very well worn comedy sketch (each of those is a different link.)

Execution's okay. Good prose and descriptions. Nice stinger at the end about Twilight's casual pyromancy, though it doesn't go anywhere. I wish some of the earlier scene had been shortened so we could get a little more followup on that, that's the interesting and original bit. The rest is technically sound, but not very engaging; I pretty much skimmed the whole thing once I could tell "yep it's that sketch."

Lower mid tier for me. It doesn't trainwreck, exactly, but loses a ton of points in the "attention hook" category. When you're doing an established scene, it's important to make your telling clearly unique. Thanks for writing!

>>Monokeras
I'm fairly sure it's meant to be Spearhead the modern artist from S7E03 "A Flurry of Emotions".

Anyway, I'm afraid this story doesn't really do much for me, either. I don't think there's quite enough space to develop Spearhead as an interesting character, or to truly develop his relationship with Celestia. I believe there's potential here, but two short scenes are not quite enough to make use of it.

I agree that it's kind of unrealistic the guards wouldn't have heard anything about the Princess vanishing during the celebration (surely someone must have brought news to the palace?).

i can't believe Fluttershy is bucking dead, for the second ten millionth time this round

Yeah, I'm mostly with the other comments here. This isn't told from quite the right perspective. Fluttershy and Angel are the actors in the story, not Twilight, and using Twilight as a viewpoint makes me feel removed from the action and confused by the juxtaposition of emotions. The battle might have been interesting, but the disaster zone afterwards, not so much.

As it stands this leans too heavily on the surface shock value of killing off Fluttershy and winds up a bit of an emotional mess. Clean it up, make it more focused, give us emphasis on Fluttershy herself and Angel, show us their deep feelings and beliefs that we know have to be in play here! Thanks for writing!

Personally, I had the feeling that the story didn't fully live up to its premise. I wish Willow's ghostly nature had been explored more; it felt like it was used just to set up a connection with the prompt. Even despite the reminders in the narration ("ghostly tears" and the like), the conversation between Starlight and Willow didn't really give the feeling of a dialogue with a ghost. Willow comes off as any regular pony, who just happens to be incorporeal.

Also, Twilight ends up looking like a prejudiced jerk, who just assumes the ghost is evil and never bothers to talk to her. Where's the inquisitive pony we know from the show, who would have been delighted at the chance to study/hang out with a ghost? Where's the pony who stood up for Zecora when all other ponies had been afraid of her? I think that setting up the ghost in Twilight's castle weakens the story; it requires Twilight to be bent way out-of-character to justify why has the ghost been there for so long.

>>Light_Striker
Copy paste this whole thing and you have my thoughts here. I was never able to really buy into what was going on. Why does Silver Spoon care about the distance of her school? Why is the "bugging every day" offscreen, and why is this "showing off" the last straw? The story loses me early and never gets me back, because I feel like things are happening for the sake of having them happen rather than as a plausible result of the characters' beliefs and actions.

Some work on smoothing out the characters would make this flow a lot better, I think. Maybe compress both schools into a single classroom, cut the stuff with Silver Platter, and use the space gained from that to go a little deeper in crafting the why and how of Silver's social heel turn.

Gotta give props, though, this is a functional story that works in the mini format, and while the attempts at characterization go awry, they are legit attempts. This'll be mid-tierish, serviceable but flawed, most likely. Thanks for writing!

a nervous laughter escaped her flaunting attitude.

I'm pretty sure you laugh with your mouth, not your attitude.

And since when do changelings have clown suits and birthday parties and schools? (Also, these sentences are confusingly written; it reads as if the parents told the changeling to dress up like a clown, and then the parents came to her party to mock her. Wow, talk about abusive families.)

Starlight seems oddly enthusiastic to accept the changeling who's replaced her friend... just because the changeling had a embarrassing incident in her childhood? And then she profusely apologizes to the changeling for... for having asked her if she's a changeling? And casually offers her friendship just like that, in the middle of a grand changeling invasion? No, it just doesn't at all mesh together.

Now, it would make more sense if it ended with, say...

"Thank you," Starlight Glimmer said.

"No... Thank you--" Not-Trixie's smile suddenly became narrower and sharper, like a crocodile's. "-- for lowering your guard."

These were the last words Starlight heard as the knife sliced into her neck.

Now there's a great story. Everything fits well together and every sentence enriches the story. This kind of emotional stories is a risky business, but for this one, I didn't think for a moment that Twilight's or Spike's feelings were unrealistic or exaggerated or out of character, and it feels interesting to see how Spike has matured over the years. (The mention of Discord just adds to the tragic sweetness.) I didn't think it was unbelievable or unlikeable for him to be bossing Twilight around, considering how in the show itself he sometimes acts as her voice of reason.

Previous comments cover this well, and generously. I can't ignore the feeling I get here of "couldn't think of anything good for the prompt, let's just run with a literal interpretation and try to make some jokes to get *something* written and submitted."

>>JudgeDeadd
Yeah, I'm with this more than anything.

The concept of tiny buzzing demons reminds me of Larry Niven's Convergent Series; I wonder if the author has read that? Doesn't seem to be freely available anywhere, alas, or I'd link it as an example of how to take this concept and make it into a narrative. As is, this doesn't go anywhere or do much that's effective for me, but I feel the author intensely - that's just how it goes with minis sometimes. Thanks for writing, don't be discouraged!

The way the protagonist in this story is presented is a funny one, in that the entire premise revolves around him being an unsympathetic, uncaring airhead. It's kind of a risky idea, but I think the story works as a darkly humorous one, with undertones of seriousness.

Endings are usually the bane of most minifics, but I honestly like the punchline on this one; it fits the premise beautifully and provides a final emotional impact.

Meh. This just reads like yet another of these stream-of-consciousness lolrandom stories which I dislike; they can be churned out en masse and stop being funny after the first few times.

Also, from the third line onwards the poem stops making much grammatical or semantic sense, though this might have been deliberate.

she wondered if maybe—just maybe—she could fly so fast that she could outrun her past—outrun her failure.

I'm so sorry, but I couldn't help but think of this picture, and this sort of ruined the ending for me :P

Anyway, this isn't a bad story at all. It's quite touching, vividly capturing Rainbow's dread, and the Derpy cameo successfully establishes contrast between Rainbow's loneliness and the support Derpy has from her parents.

Unfortunately, nothing particularly interesting really happens here. The occasional bits of verbal filigree

regaling the dragon with the history of the mighty housefly race by beating its wings.

The fly, before flying to the bucket of gems, took a slight detour to the various crystalline frame around the bookcase first to take in the decor.

...feel too obviously like an attempt to make up for the poor premise with some "clever" prose. (And that second sentence is pretty confusingly written by the way. And are we seeing this from Spike's POV or the fly's POV? The latter might have made for a more interesting story, actually.) Ultimately this story feels like it's built on sand; it would take a truly excellent writer to make a fanfic with this premise compelling.

Actually, it might have worked better if the story had a more humorous angle, with slapstick shenanigans as Spike chases the fly all over the room, no doubt causing untold destruction in the process, all with a narrator commenting wryly on the proceedings.

Before reading a single word: I swear to Celestia if this is an Equestrian Pie reference...

Ok, it's not. Sure is a lot of Fluttershy this round, though (not that I'm complaining) and a lot of children bullying/making friends fluff.

Mreeh. This didn't hook me very well. I'm not sure about calling it overambitious - to me it has the opposite issue and aims a bit too low. The bullying/school scenes as presented here are very basic, stereotypical fare, I could call every beat before it happened, and I found myself wishing they'd hurry up and finish so I could get to the real story. Then we finally get to Flight Camp, Dash finally appears, and... it's over.

So I guess the bullying scenes were the meat of the story, and that's disappointing. They hit a very common zone in Writeoff entries where the writing is trying to be evocative of something emotional, but only by directly invoking it and leaving it at that. If a reader is predisposed to get emotional about the subject - school bullying here, but also commonly suicide or aging or cruelty/death of children - then they'll be triggered by its simple inclusion. But if they're not, there's nothing special here to change someone's mind or make them feel something they haven't felt before.

To me, this story ended right around where it should have started. Most of the first scene and the school bullying could be cut without losing much. How does Dash get Flutter to open up again? What does Fluttershy think about all of this? She's young here, but surely there's more going through her mind than "I wanna be a Wonderbolt, I got bullied, waah." How is she forming her values?

This is all content issues, though. The technical execution is fine, aside from the slight muddying of what the conflict and arc are intended to be. It reads smoothly and has enough baseline competency to be discussing content issues. Decent effort, and thanks for writing!

Like several others before me, this really didn't work for me. Maybe I'm different from other people or whatever, but I don't buy that Rainbow or even Sunset would have been that upset at the long-ago death of someone who's basically an identical twin. And since the entire story consists of 1) just this one idea 2) the characters telling each other how tragic that supposedly is, I couldn't find anything in here that appealed to me.

I have the feeling that besides the shock value, there isn't much to this story at all. A male reader might at first find it interesting to read about that kind of private stuff, that often feels like a secret shared between all men... but once you get past that novelty, nothing interesting really happens in the fanfic beyond that. Guy describes his penis trouble, then he talks to another guy who describes his penis trouble in turn, end of story.

Good talky scenes, focusing on Celestia's characterization. Meh story. I can't find much of a narrative arc here, so my overall reaction is "Eh, that happened." Pick a focus and stick with it, that would help this a lot.

Dittoing other readers on the implausibility of Luna being unknown to the royal guard.

Good on you for not going the Sad Sunbutt route though.

Wow I just can't come up with comments on this. Apologies for that. I do like the Celestia on display here, and I want more of her, have her interact more with Spearhead (maybe characterize Spearhead some), have her do something more than just write to Twilight and be happy afterwards. Thank you for writing though!

I don't think the POV works in this story. The narrator spends a lot of time expositing on the past and on her history, but never really describes her own inner life. I think the story would be much more powerful if the Merry Widow had more personality of her own, with actual feeling and emotions and thoughts. Or, the story could have been told from the POV of a retired sailor, shipbuilder etc. anyone who can infuse the story with their own personality.

On the whole, I'm afraid this didn't work for me. The choice of the ship as the narrator suggests that this should be a highly sentimental story, but the narration is too matter-of-fact to truly touch the reader, especially one who's never set foot on the deck of a ship in real life and thus has no personal experience of emotional attachment to a seagoing vessel.

While awaiting my fate in the darkness, I feel the touch of another. A longboat brushes up against my sides

That's a wasted opportunity right there; it would have been interesting to read about one ship "talking" with another.

I'll agree with >>Light_Striker that Twilight was a bad choice as a character. She presumably has some anatomy textbooks in her library, and would definitely hit the books first, rather than taking Applejack and Apple Bloom on a long trip all the way to Canterlot just to bother Celestia about elementary-school biology.

Filly Twilight is best Twilight

But yeah, while this would be an excellent scene in the context of a longer story, it feels a bit empty on its own like that. Still, it is very well written, cute and captivating, and I look forward to reading the longer fanfic you will no doubt write.

gilded with gold

Montresor-!!

Anyway, existing comments cover everything well. This is nice and flowery and goes down smooth, but tastes of nothing. Where's the conflict? What does a character wish for that they do not have, and what do they do because of this? Yeah, Celestia thinks Twilight's cute - do we? Why should the reader care? Give me something to hang on to!

Thanks for writing, though!

Pinkie's characterization is easily the best thing about this story, especially this part:

Pinkie covered her mouth in horror. "I don’t want to make up voices for all of Equestria when I inevitably go insane!"

"Cheer up, Pinkie," she said from behind her hoof in a flat, tone. Her eyes jumped to Starlight. "You’ll get this all sorted out," she added, mimicking the unicorn’s voice.

Pinkie gasped. "It’s already started!"

I think my suspension of disbelief went beyond the snapping point, though, by the mention of Starlight and Maud sitting there unmoving for two hours straight. I'm also missing an explanation of why, exactly, have they done all this. It seems too much effort and pain for a mere prank. From Pinkie's profuse apology, I'm getting the vague feeling that it's mean to be some sort of payback or a lesson for Pinkie's shenanigans in S7E04, but I don't see how does the watch fit into all this.

Uff. I, too, must join the "not a fan of cringe humor, too mean spirited for me" bandwagon. There's not much of a story here. The intro points to Lyra, then the rest of the text focuses on the human. Doesn't succeed at either comedy or drama.

I wish I had some more constructive things to offer here, but I just don't understand where the author was going with this other than "ha ha, dumb pony fans!" And to that... all I can say is don't do that? Thank you for writing, though.

Wow, sure is Maud Pie Round in here. That's the fifth story I'm reviewing featuring her.

I really, really love Limestone's role in here; somehow, despite having just a few short lines, it's easy to imagine her being annoyed, exasperated, indignant, and smug thorough the story.

The ending however doesn't really work for me at all. At first, like others, I thought the story took on a sudden dark humor bent and Limestone brought down the castle in her fury. Apparently, the ending instead means that Pinkie and the others have been trapped underneath the ruins Canterlot all this time. Except... my feeling is "so what?" It feels completely random and doesn't have any bearing on the story whatsoever; you could just as well have Pinkie reveal that she's a robot, or reveal that it's all happening in an alternate universe where the sun is green, and it would be similarly meaningless. It also comes out more or less out of nowhere; apart from a mention of "box of first aid supplies" and a "royal guard", there's no prior indication that the story takes place anywhere unusual.

It would be better if this would be the beginning of a longer story focusing on the survivors' adventures in the caverns, because then the final paragraph would actually affect something. Though, again, the first part would need to be rewritten so that the reveal doesn't come out of the blue like that.

Last one in my mad dash to complete a basic slate! Will we come out on a good note?


.... Yes. Buck yes we will. This owns. I like the concept, I like the execution, I like the descriptions and flow, I like the tonal contrasts, I like the ending giving it a spin without being a WHOA SAD TWIST with Bon Bon actually dying, I like the puns and all the wordplay going on, I like the perfect fit to mini length, I like everything about this. Top of my slate, easy, not close to being close. Thank you for writing. Not all of the humor is going to land with everyone, and some minor quibbles have been pointed out, but it lands spot on with me.

>>AndrewRogue
Specifically disagree with the comment about the ending. I would not like this nearly as much if it ended with the tooth fall. Too many comedy attempts trip over themselves with "AND THEN SHE DIED" ruining the mood at the end.

I don’t think the pegasi will appreciate you stealing their work and bringing the rain in early.

OK, this line alone bought me.

And the story is all sorts of cute. I love the way the overall message is put across, but I also like that the final few lines put a twist on it.

The only thing that slightly bugs me is how the story casually skips over several "hours" of time from one sentence to the next. Was Minuette really standing by and watching two fillies play for several hours?

Hey, here's a story I've read before. I'm looking for the original perspective or slant or something, anything, but I'm just not seeing it. Twilight's Sad Because Her Friends Are Dying: Part the 43rd.

So yeah, well written. And it's not your fault, author, but this idea has been done to death. Stories on this theme need to be exceptional in order to stand out from the crowd.

Man, second story in a row that covers old ground. I'll say the same thing I did with the other: If you want a story about how sad Celestia is after she banishes her sister to stand out from the crowd, you need to make it exceptional.

Just repeating what Trick Question said. This entire story is vapid introspection.

Like, this?

The painful fact that she could, in reality, just ignore it altogether. Just as she had decided not to let her questions about the nature of her friendships come to their logical conclusion. In a sense, this was the real dilemma. Choose not to choose, and live with the consequences. And though they might seem harsh now, knowing that for all the rest of the world, they mattered as little as whether or not her windows were lit in the autumn night. At a distance, both decisions left it impossible to know what was on the inside.

That's just word salad. A great deal of space that says absolutely nothing.

Highlighting this here:

“And thus, you chose an indirect path.” Celestia gave him a disapproving look, but remained silent. “Have you thought about making it into some kind of game?”

Be careful with dialogue attribution. Read by itself, this paragraph seems to suggest that Celestia is the speaker, but she's somehow remaining silent as well. If you have a quote from one of your characters, that character should be the one performing any inter-dialogue actions.

Also, what's with people reenacting moments from the show? There's this, Fluttershy being bullied at flight camp, and a whole spate of done-to-death tropes like sad-immortal-Twilight and sad-just-banished-her-sister-Celestia.

Did we run out of ideas this round?

Well, time to write my retros. :derpytongue2:

>>Cold in Gardez

Just repeating what Trick Question said. This entire story is vapid introspection.

To be fair, I wasn't that harsh.

I don't actually think the story is vapid. I'm getting a sense of complex emotions, and I think I know what the writer is trying to say in that paragraph. It just isn't written in a way that allows the reader to participate in the experience.

Room 101

Thanks to all who reviewed the story, even though the main flaw was obvious (the deus ex at the end was nonsensical):

>>Xepher >>GroaningGreyAgony >>JudgeDeadd >>Light_Striker >>Posh >>Monokeras >>eusocialdragon >>Ceffyl_Dwr


This is what happens when Trickster tries to come up with an ending for a story at 4am.

The story is, as several noted, a direct parody of 1984. The problem is that I wanted to make a lighthearted dystopian comedy in 750 horse words, and that is beyond my level of skill. So I tried to deus ex the ending to make it less dismal, and that didn't make any sense. I'm probably going to write this as a longer story, change up the ending, and make it more lighthearted throughout. I really don't think Twilight Sparkle should be the protagonist, though, because that tinyhorse dramas-up any situation where she isn't insane from word one.

Then again, maybe I won't write it. I can make it very funny, but it's still parody, and parody is kind of crap. Satire is much better (satire is when you use parody to make a point, sometimes sarcastically to make the opposite point). Parody feels to me like a weak form of plagiarism. But I do have a lot of humor I could squeeze out of this; which, while still relying entirely on the source material, contains enough originality for me maybe not to hate it.

We'll see.

>>Ranmilia

This is a barebones writing exercise

Drat, you saw right through my plan!

using a very well worn comedy sketch (each of those is a different link.)

And here are my hopes of originality, crushed utterly and definitively by anime…

>>JudgeDeadd >>TrumpetofDoom >>Trick_Question >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Light_Striker >>Fenton >>Winston >>Xepher
And I think there are enough people who've pointed out the lack of stuff that actually happens.

(On a side note, I should probably get some sleep...)

Guy Stuff

Thanks to all who reviewed the story:

>>CoffeeMinion >>Fenton >>Light_Striker >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Monokeras >>Posh >>Xepher >>PaulAsaran >>Ranmilia >>Monokeras >>JudgeDeadd

I think this is a great story right now, but most readers didn't follow what it was trying to say, or were offended by the thought of a penis. It's hard to make the point I'm trying to make without being overly-direct about its underlying message.

No, this is most certainly not a comedy. And holy Moonhorse, Xepher, it isn't a fetish piece! I'm not sure how anypony could think urinary problems equals fetish. Ow. Eww. No. Wrong. What? No.

(On the bright side, you probably correctly assumed this was mine.)

So what is this story about? It's about the oft-overlooked hardships of being male, and how some of them compare to similar difficulties that females face more openly. I don't mean the nature of male-specific medical issues; rather, I mean the struggle behind needing to appear strong and in control of oneself, versus giving up control to take care of a problem. This story is not highly fictitious. There are lots of medical conditions people face that aren't in the literature because those who have the issues are too embarrassed or sensitive to allow a doctor to experiment on them, and a lot of those are specifically male urological conditions. There really is a thing called 'male pelvic pain syndrome' that is almost assuredly several different disorders. Many people have never even heard of an andrologist or are aware they exist as a specialty.

As for related-to-ponies, I wanted to showcase how this predicament has nothing to do with station in society. The stallions here aren't having problems because they're in the subordinate class to mares; they're having problems because of the nature of their gender role, which transcends social status.

If I post this on Fimfiction, I can expect an army of downhooves. But it's still a very meaningful piece for me, so I might do it anyway. I'm not sure how I can be any more euphamistic about a penis than I already was. I'm surprised and saddened that so many readers were offended or disgusted. That wasn't my intent. But uncomfortable? That was intentional.

Generally well written.

Looks like you deliberately did away with the descriptions for the twist ending, but I'm not sure how the final line links to the rest of the story. I think I'm missing something here.

That was my poor shot for this uninspiring prompt (for me). I didn't know what I wanted to write, started something and kept on writing until I stopped, realising I was going nowhere, but somehow a bit satisfied with how it ended. I still submit it, to see how worth it was.

So now, let's reply to everyone

>>Ceffyl_Dwr

I'm not overly predisposed to interpretations of Celestia as a deity

Well, I don't interpret Celestia as a deity. The only mention of the Godess aspect is by Spearhead using the nobility's words. In my opinion, many ponies see Celestia as a Goddess but those who are close to her know that she isn't. I was probably not very clear on that part.
I won't quote the rest but I'm glad that you've found some pleasure reading it. And yeah, the balance didn't satisfy me too but I was running out of time, unfortunately.

>>Light_Striker

I can't detect the prompt connection at all

Just ignore it and it will go away :p
More seriously, the prompt was somehow hidden within the story and the episode Celestial advice. Celestia didn't want to send her student to Ponyville, fearing that she won't need her guidance anymore. I was thinking that maybe Celestia managed to ignore this feeling in the end.
I'm glad that the prose was correct and each scenes enjoyable for you. But yeah, there aren't as connected together as I wish they could be.

Celestia having not mentioned Luna to Spearhead before seems kind of odd

You're not the only one to mention that and I don't really understand how this can be a problem. After all, Luna disappeared 1.000 years ago, everypony thinks it's a myth and Twilight and Mayor Mare don't know at all that Luna is Celestia's sister. so why the guards would know it?

>>Haze
If you found the interactions charming, that means it is not a complete failure. Good.

the Canterlot guards are completely unaware that anything happened to Celestia overnight.

I chose the easy path here. I knew that Spearhead should be aware his monarch disappeared for a moment (even if everything happens around Ponyville, I think Celestia's return to Canterlot was scheduled so they would have known about her missing). Unfortunately, I was short on time and words to properly include that part without making it telly and blunt.

>>AndrewRogue

I'm always bugged a bit by the idea of the Luna myth not being decently well known.

Ponyville folks didn't know it either. You could argue they are just countryfolks and thus, aren't really close to the capital. It was a choice to extend that fact to almost everypony in Equestria.
Glad you like the idea. If you ever find why it didn't work for you, I would be happy to hear it and improve it.

>>The_Letter_J

I don't buy that the royal guards, especially one claiming to be so close to Celestia, would have somehow completely missed the whole "sun came up several hours late and now Luna's back" thing.

Like I said, it's a plothole I didn't know how to resolve in a few words and with so little time. That's why I didn't address it and chose to focus instead on their interaction.

And this story just doesn't fit in the timing of the show at all.

Hmmm yes? I just quickly rewatched the episode and indeed, I've missed a day. So let's pretend that instead of 'The following day', I wrote 'Two days later'.

Are we supposed to assume that Celestia came up with this idea to send Twilight to take care of the Summer Sun Celebration, and then purely by coincidence, Twilight sent her a letter about Nightmare Moon?

No, you're supposed to assume she got the idea at the same time. As the season 7 premiere told us, Celestia knew she had to make her student leave (in my mind, and it's hinted by the show, she also knew Twilight would be the one deafting NMM) and thus, she saw it as an opportunity to do what she had put aside for too long.

And the whole "royal guard who is secretly bffs with Celestia" cliche is kinda overdone, and doesn't actually add anything to the story. Why not just use someone like Cadance instead?

That's a complete different story. A interesting one, mind you, but it is not this one.

>>Xepher

the emotions are haphazard. Celestia swings wildly from formal modes of address to dancing wildly.

You're definitely not the only one to mention it. Celestia is formal in the first scene because she has many things to handle. She has to send her student away from her, her sinister is about to come back and she's not sure if Twilight will be able to free her sister from NMM or if she will just lock her up in the moon again. She then interacts way more casually with Spearhead because, like she said, everything went perfect, her sister she hasn't for 1000 years is now back and 'reformed' while she wasn't sure there would be a chance for her to even see her again, her student knows the power and the magic of friendship etc, so she is more than happy.
However, I understand that all this explanation was supposed to be conveyed by the story itself and it seems that I failed completly trying to do so.
And thank you for your encouragement.

>>Monokeras
Outch.
No, you know what? Je te recommande vivement de t'entretenir au plus vite avec la population masculine grecque, bouffeur de grenouilles. :p
See others' replies for explanation. As for Spearhead, >>JudgeDeadd has already pointed out the episode.
And true, it's very rough around the edges (and in the middle too).

>>JudgeDeadd

I don't think there's quite enough space to develop Spearhead as an interesting character, or to truly develop his relationship with Celestia. I believe there's potential here, but two short scenes are not quite enough to make use of it.

I realised that but it was too late.

I agree that it's kind of unrealistic the guards wouldn't have heard anything about the Princess vanishing during the celebration (surely someone must have brought news to the palace?).

See above for this plothole.

>>Ranmilia

Good talky scenes, focusing on Celestia's characterization.

Victory!

Meh story.

True. Like I said, it wasn't really going somewhere when I was writing it. Indeed, this happened and there isn't much to tell here and to get from it. Sorry for that.

>>Cold in Gardez
Good point. I didn't realise it all the times I reread it but once you pointed out, it is obvious. So thank you.

Did we run out of ideas this round?

Don't know about the others but yes, I ran out of ideas for this round.


Thank you everyone for your inputs. As usual, I'm always short on time to have something interesting to say or write it properly (sometimes it's both). I hope that wasn't too painful to read (it seems not, at least for some people) and I apologise if it was the case.

Good luck to the finalists!

>>Trick_Question

it isn't a fetish piece! I'm not sure how anypony could think urinary problems equals fetish.

You never turn off the mature filter on FimFic, do you? :p

Anyway, with your explanation, it is much clearer what you were aiming for. I still think that there are some parts which need to be reworked if you want your message to be clearer (find me on Discord if you want a detailed explanation).
And even if this made me uncomfortable, I still strongly encourage you to expand it and publish it on FimFic. Like I said, this story has a solid writing and if needed, I will defend it against all odds.

Well, congrats to our finalists! I'll keep things short for my retro, cause everyone's got busy lives, and also I just woke up.

Retrospective: Girl Talk

I have to admit that I'm a tad disappointed this one didn't make it, since this was the fic that broke my Writeoff dry spell while also being one of my favorite minifics to write. But that's life for you; gotta roll with the hits sometimes. :P

The thing that pretty much everyone and their mothers didn't like was the ending, so I guess I'll try to explain. While I never really meant for it to be a twist, I did specifically make sure not to explicitly state that Twilight was pregnant because I wanted the ending to come off as a bit of a relief to the reader. The idea was to simultaneously confirm any competent reader's assumptions while at the same time, Twilight accepts and even begins to like the idea of having a child. I envisioned sort of a cathartic thing, but I guess it didn't pan out for anyone. Closest thing I got to the response I wanted was from >>Haze, but even then I can tell it was off-putting. So I'm definitely doing something wrong, and I'll be trying to figure out why exactly people thought the ending was redundant.

Anyways, best of luck to everyone still in, and see you all the next time I manage to enter one of these things. :B

>>Trick_Question

You stole the name of one of my Writeoff (and now Fimfiction) stories! :ajbemused:

... It seems that I have. I plead guilty to all charges. Do you know what kind of jail time I'm looking at? Is title-theft still considered a fillyony felony? :derpysmile:

>>GroaningGreyAgony >>Light_Striker >>Bachiavellian >>CoffeeMinion >>Ceffyl_Dwr Thank you!

>>Chris >>Posh >>eusocialdragon >>Xepher >>JudgeDeadd (Criticizing the Critics) Ok, the POV character in this 750 word story *is* the ship. How in heck can it be "Ponied" more while still keeping the focus on the whole point of the story? This is Equestria, where flying horses sit on clouds and two ponies raise the sun and moon every day. Of course, ships have feelings and emotions.

>>Monokeras Interestingly enough, it was inspired by a piece of music. I'll link it in at the end.

Psalms 107:23 "They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the Lord, and his wonders in the deep. For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof."

The story was inspired, heck it was driven by the Jolly Rogers and their song, ‘Eight Bells’ from the Pirates Evermore album. (Go buy it.) For those of you of non-nautical lingo (I'm from Kansas, so I had to look the terms up too), the breakers is the scrapyard of ships where all the valuable bits are separated from the rest for recycling. The ship’s bell is struck in pairs for easier counting, and eight bells is traditionally the 4:00, 8:00 or 12:00 watch, or is struck upon the death of a sailor on the vessel.

The Jolly Rogers album Pirates Evermore is available on CD Baby here. It’s my favorite album to listen to at work, but keep the volume down to avoid offending the easily offendable. Or turn it up, put on your eyepatch, and sing along.

The Jolly Rogers perform every year at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival, which starts a mere 111 days from now. See you there, and don’t forget to tip the pirates!

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrU39FEH8lY]

Finalists, why not, bottom up.

This, like many other entries this round, can be summarized as an exploration of a single idea rather than a full fledged narrative. It does its one thing and that's it. I figured out the gimmick by around the third paragraph, and interest plateaued and steadily declined after that.

To the piece's credit, the one thing is done fairly well. Gumi has a very nice voice (and works especially well when complementing Miku) and works all right as a character in vacuum. The prose is adept and the jokes at least mildly entertaining.

I'm looking for a bit more in a finalist entry, though. Ultimately our protagonist is just sitting there contemplating things, and nothing happens. I know that in itself is kind of a joke, given the character, but ehn... this could've been more. Give him a little intrigue, some purpose to the musings other than providing a somewhat-funny-rambling-stream-of-consciousness to readers. Voice and characterization are there, now make a plot and use them to take this to the next level. Not going to go terribly high on my finals slate, but I can see why this made it this far. Thanks for writing!

>>Bachiavellian

The idea was to simultaneously confirm any competent reader's assumptions while at the same time, Twilight accepts and even begins to like the idea of having a child. I envisioned sort of a cathartic thing, but I guess it didn't pan out for anyone.

I like this idea, now that I know what it was intending to do. Just needs some more space to show that Twilight is in denial or something, unsure about facing reality. You can drop more hints that it's a baby, without actually saying it, and this would reinforce both the reader's assumption and Twilight's emotional state. Then at the "reveal", we can feel catharsis along with Twilight, seeing how she's changed.

Currently it doesn't come across for three reasons: (1) we don't know what they said before the first line, so we fill it in with our own version. (2) Applejack's POV, she gets to talk the most, and it does feel more like her story. (3) the reveal at the end that Twilight already did her spell, which gave me the opposite impression of her learning to accept the child just now.

I think (2) is this story's greatest strength, so I wouldn't want that changed at all (AJ cares about Twilight, so we will too). It just needed more than 750 words to show us Twilight's side, even though her story is indirectly told through her inaction.

also

“Three weeks,” she said, idly stroking her mane a little faster. “Actually, more like three and a half weeks.”

am I the only one who can see Twilight being much more specific than that, down to the exact day and hour? heh heh.

Nice puns. The story around them... exists. Wish it'd done a little more with the plot, maybe show more of the yes/no conversations and make it a little more clear what's going on. As it stands I don't get much beyond "cursed magic pants, they're bad, Twilight solves the problem via the normal method (shooting magical lasers at it.)"

Yeah, this is an all-in gimmick, just of a different type than some of the others. I'm not sure I buy it being written to the prompt, and I didn't find it overwhelmingly hilarious, so overall this is a miss for me. Thanks for writing, though!

>>Fenton

You never turn off the mature filter on FimFic, do you? :derpytongue2:

On the contrary, I almost never turn it on. The only time I use the filter is when I have a story that might be trending in the FB if only it weren't being pushed south by M-rated fics in the top seven slots.

Seriously, though: apart from focusing on diapers or embarrassment (neither of which are in this story), show me a single fetish story on Fimfiction where the focus is male urinary problems. I shall jump directly to the triple-diamond-dog-dare.

Anyway, I think I can fix the story if I make it longer and add context. By "context" I mean other male hardships that are unrelated to pee.

... It seems that I have. I plead guilty to all charges. Do you know what kind of jail time I'm looking at? Is title-theft still considered a fillyony felony? :derpysmile:

I hereby sentence you to read the Fimfic version.

:trollestia:

>>georg I should note that, despite my criticism, I thought highly enough of this story to put it in my top ten (at number six), and I'm legitimately disappointed to see it miss the finals. This, along with One Flew Over the Rock Farm and Fire in the Mind, were all brilliant in their own way, and I think I owe the latter a fair review now.

Here's the thing, my criticism isn't "not enough ponii donut reed." This story is beautiful, on its own merits. If anything, I think it's constrained by the MLP license. It feels like something I would read in an honest-to-goodness literary magazine, not in a fanfiction contest, a feeling which is only exacerbated by the light dusting of pony sprinkled over its deck.

I'd urge you to shoot higher than FiMfic with this. 'Cuz... like, this did pluck the heartstring that I reserve for water (and space!) craft.

I'm honestly shocked this one didn't make the cut. I think it just left readers a little confused about what happened, and we ended up seeing ghosts of stories as a result.

This was 100% pure, unequivocal Cold in Gardez, however. The writing and mood and feeling within were second to none. I ranked this 2nd in my list, just below the haunted Starlight Glimmer story.

UPDATE: Except for one story I ranked three steps lower than the crowd did, this was my only outlier. And what an outlier it was.

Welcome to the Writeoff! It matters how good a story is, except when it doesn't.

>>Trick_Question

Welcome to the Writeoff! It matters how good a story is, except when it doesn't.

I'm as disappointed as you are, believe me (though Fire was actually my #9; I ranked your Nineteen-Neighty-Four one spot above it). But reading through the comments, I can't say that I'm genuinely surprised this one didn't stick with as many people.

And this round was particularly dense with high-quality entries, besides. My middle tier in the prelims was largely made up of stories that'd be top tier in the face of less stiff competition.

Good luck to the finalists!
Thanks to y’all who commented.

Midnight Palaver

>>Xepher
>>Caliaponia
>>Light_Striker
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>PaulAsaran
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Everyday

The title refers to my friend Carabas’s Moonlight Palaver fic. Well done, PaulAsaran! :)

The line If you continue to pry…break your neck attributed to Luna is picked up (almost verbatim) from the Star Trek episode Amok Time where it is supposedly uttered by an angry Spock against McCoy and reported to Kirk by the latter.

The “marmorean” paragraph was a wink to Lovecraft’s prose, and also went with Celestia’s regal position.

So there was a lot of ingredients added from out-of-the-box sources.

The idea beyond the fic was more a study of character, whereby Celestia transitions from wrath to concern and then back to her usual benevolent behaviour, sending the message "Don't worry, it'll pass” to Sunset in order to assume all the weight of the problem on her shoulders alone. The bedroom scene suggested maybe Celestia had made light of Luna’s problem, but following Sunset’s reveal she has to admit it’s serious.

Cassius told me Celestia’s dialogue went over the top. Fair enough.

I hesitated between a “sex-” or “alcohol-” flavoured scene, but the latter would’ve posed a lot of problems, the biggest one being dealing with a plastered Celestia talking to Sunset. The idea here was “Celestia is no deity, but a normal being”.

I’ve no idea what timeline Sunset belongs to. Why not place her during Luna’s fall, and surmise that time in EqG world does not flow at the same speed?

There’s no takeaway. As I often say on the chat, I have no inspiration related to pony world anymore. All I do is write things hoping they’ll be good at the prose and execution level, because I need exercising. Other than that, they’re empty shells. You can shuck them. So, yeah, pretty ‘meh’ material, I apologise for this.

Flight Camp

>>Light_Striker
>>Haze
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Trick_Question
>>Xepher
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Ranmilia
This was an experimental story meant to give a glimpse of Fluttershy’s life before Flight Camp, practice seamless transitions between scenes and writing child dialogue. No one complained too much about the prose, so that’s a win, and those who were jarred by the lack of transitions, eh, fair enough. Do you really need road posts to see there’s a bend ahead? :P

>>Cold in Gardez

This had a lot of issues, mainly it was unimaginative. There’s no takeaway here too.

All in all, for both stories, thanks to Haze and Everyday for liking them, and for the others, you were plainly right to smash them.

See you next round guys!

I didn't read this in the preliminary round, but I think I'm with other people in that while this story had some nice build-up, it didn't actually feel like it paid off.

The biggest problem with this story is that it feels like it drags a bit even at this short length. The ending made me chuckle, but the middle didn't really quite carry itself.

>>Haze
Thank you, that's very insightful! I guess I just kinda thought that the prompt would be enough to fill people in on Twilight's side of things. Amazing the sorts of things that'll seem obvious to the reader, but go over your head when you're writing. (1) was kinda intentional, because I didn't want to waste words on something I wanted the readers to figure out anyway, and (3) was a line that I came up with very early in brainstorming, so I really didn't think much of the implications. (2) is 100% on point.

Not sure if I'll do an expansion, but if I do, definitely keeping these in mind. Thanks! :)

Man, I was expecting this to be a preening story, and then it wasn't. I was amused by the ending, though; Twilight being oblivious to the actual purpose was amusing, as is the idea of her totally not getting what was going on.

>>JudgeDeadd
>>CoffeeMinion
I mean, of all the things that the fandom has produced, preenfics are pretty innocent.