Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Those Who Go Down To The Sea In Ships
My name is The Merry Widow.
And tomorrow I will die.
For five decades now, I have plied the seas with my crew, brave and bold ponies who faced the storms and dangers of the ocean with a song on their lips. The screams of the wind and the grasping clutch of the depths would terrify lesser ponies, but my faithful crew was safe in my embrace. Little colts they may have been when they set their first unstable hoof upon my decks and carved their names into my mast, but under the lessons of their elders, my crew matured into true sailors.
At least those who survived.
The sea is a jealous bitch, angered at the ships who dare to sail her beautiful surface, and her rage knows no bounds. Many times while the waves tossed me like a toy, my crew clung to the stays and prayed to whatever gods might hear, but most of all they trusted me, and I never let them down. Through whatever fearsome storm the vengeful sea threw at us, we would return to port. Sometimes leaking to the capacity of the pumps with most canvas carried away and only a few lines still intact, but we returned, time after time, year after year. My faithful crew rejoiced in their survival, mourned their companions lost to the sea, nursed their own wounds, and made me ready to sail again.
As much as I refused to admit it, the years extracted their toll upon my decks and ribs, tattering the planks and splintering spars. My once graceful path through the waves became more of an awkward wallow, then a slow trudge, until at long last I reached my present anchorage.
When Celestia raises the sun, I will be towed to the breakers.
While awaiting my fate in the darkness, I feel the touch of another. A longboat brushes up against my sides and ponies climb up onto my decks once more. I know their hooves upon my tattered and patched decks, aged shoes gone rusty over the years and the occasional stub of wood where the dangers of the sea claimed her due. Many names have been carved into my mast since I first set to sea, but so few of them have returned to see me on my final voyage. Old and young, they gather around, searching for their own names on the mast among the multitude and running unsteady hooves across the splintered wood, cracked and dry with age.
They hoist a keg onto my decks and bring out flagons, giving me one last time to share with my beloved crew. They drink until the keg is emptied, spilling more than a few flagons of ale upon my dry deck in my honor while they sing once again. Songs which I thought long forgotten drift out across the darkened sea, songs of hearth and home, of loves gone away and storms survived. They sing until I wish I had a voice to sing along, to show how much I loved and cared for them.
Then after far too short a time under the starlit sky, they are silent upon my decks again until the eldest of them moves forward to the ship’s bell.
The chimes of my bell ring out across the silent dark sea. Twice. Twice again. Twice yet again. And twice a fourth and final time.
I now know why they have come to me. Before my end. Before the breakers.
The false light of dawn stains the horizon just a few points off the bow by the time we pass the reef and the wind begins to pick up. Lines are tied down and the splintered wheel lashed into position before the crew breaks open a last cask. They dampen my dry wood and empty hold, splashing onto every surface before they return to the longboat, taking with them my tarnished brass bell.
May it bring my faithful crew joy and remembrance.
The longboat casts off and drifts away when the wind fills my tattered and patched sails, driving me out into the open ocean. My adversary. My ally. My home.
The first candle in my hold burns down to the pool of oil and the flames erupt, devouring the dry wood and aged canvas. In a few minutes, the fires spread throughout my entire structure, leaving me a raging inferno as I sail into the rising sun.
My name is The Merry Widow.
And today, I’m going home.
And tomorrow I will die.
For five decades now, I have plied the seas with my crew, brave and bold ponies who faced the storms and dangers of the ocean with a song on their lips. The screams of the wind and the grasping clutch of the depths would terrify lesser ponies, but my faithful crew was safe in my embrace. Little colts they may have been when they set their first unstable hoof upon my decks and carved their names into my mast, but under the lessons of their elders, my crew matured into true sailors.
At least those who survived.
The sea is a jealous bitch, angered at the ships who dare to sail her beautiful surface, and her rage knows no bounds. Many times while the waves tossed me like a toy, my crew clung to the stays and prayed to whatever gods might hear, but most of all they trusted me, and I never let them down. Through whatever fearsome storm the vengeful sea threw at us, we would return to port. Sometimes leaking to the capacity of the pumps with most canvas carried away and only a few lines still intact, but we returned, time after time, year after year. My faithful crew rejoiced in their survival, mourned their companions lost to the sea, nursed their own wounds, and made me ready to sail again.
As much as I refused to admit it, the years extracted their toll upon my decks and ribs, tattering the planks and splintering spars. My once graceful path through the waves became more of an awkward wallow, then a slow trudge, until at long last I reached my present anchorage.
When Celestia raises the sun, I will be towed to the breakers.
While awaiting my fate in the darkness, I feel the touch of another. A longboat brushes up against my sides and ponies climb up onto my decks once more. I know their hooves upon my tattered and patched decks, aged shoes gone rusty over the years and the occasional stub of wood where the dangers of the sea claimed her due. Many names have been carved into my mast since I first set to sea, but so few of them have returned to see me on my final voyage. Old and young, they gather around, searching for their own names on the mast among the multitude and running unsteady hooves across the splintered wood, cracked and dry with age.
They hoist a keg onto my decks and bring out flagons, giving me one last time to share with my beloved crew. They drink until the keg is emptied, spilling more than a few flagons of ale upon my dry deck in my honor while they sing once again. Songs which I thought long forgotten drift out across the darkened sea, songs of hearth and home, of loves gone away and storms survived. They sing until I wish I had a voice to sing along, to show how much I loved and cared for them.
Then after far too short a time under the starlit sky, they are silent upon my decks again until the eldest of them moves forward to the ship’s bell.
The chimes of my bell ring out across the silent dark sea. Twice. Twice again. Twice yet again. And twice a fourth and final time.
I now know why they have come to me. Before my end. Before the breakers.
The false light of dawn stains the horizon just a few points off the bow by the time we pass the reef and the wind begins to pick up. Lines are tied down and the splintered wheel lashed into position before the crew breaks open a last cask. They dampen my dry wood and empty hold, splashing onto every surface before they return to the longboat, taking with them my tarnished brass bell.
May it bring my faithful crew joy and remembrance.
The longboat casts off and drifts away when the wind fills my tattered and patched sails, driving me out into the open ocean. My adversary. My ally. My home.
The first candle in my hold burns down to the pool of oil and the flames erupt, devouring the dry wood and aged canvas. In a few minutes, the fires spread throughout my entire structure, leaving me a raging inferno as I sail into the rising sun.
My name is The Merry Widow.
And today, I’m going home.
This choked me up a bit. I love sea stories, and this hits the right notes of a crew’s respect for a vessel that sailed well and brought them home against all odds. Good job, author!
This is beautiful in many ways, but I think it would've been better served as original fiction; there's nothing here that would really need to be changed beyond the hooves-->feet level stuff, and it would make the death toll and cursing feel more natural. Those elements aren't really detractions in this work as written (which is why I don't say "this isn't a ponyfic"), but my point is that they'd fit better in original fiction. Beyond that, this is a sweet, melancholy snapshot that does a great job of drawing an emotional reaction from the reader without feeling cheap. Good work!
Achingly beautiful in theme and prose, but I agree with the esteemed >>Chris. I don't think there's much here that makes it an intrinsically MLP story, save mentions of hooves and horse-nouns and Celestia's sun.
I want to put this at the top of my slate, but I think that fact is holding it back. It's constrained by the author trying to make it an MLP fic, when, really, it isn't one.
I want to put this at the top of my slate, but I think that fact is holding it back. It's constrained by the author trying to make it an MLP fic, when, really, it isn't one.
Very atmospheric, very strong tone-setting. The rhythm really makes the piece, and the ship's perspective is nice and consistent (it reminds me of A Day For Soft Food's take on cat's perspective), but it's not very FiM-related, which makes it fall by quite a few slots this round. Interesting interpretation of the prompt.
Not being very familiar with nautical terminology, I had to do some research before realizing that "breakers" didn't refer to the type of reef.
I do love good bookends.
Not being very familiar with nautical terminology, I had to do some research before realizing that "breakers" didn't refer to the type of reef.
I do love good bookends.
I really like the imagery, and I enjoyed this sentence in particular:
The prose is very striking throughout, but though I hate to say it, I didn't really interface emotionally with this one very much. Mood pieces tend to be pretty hit-or-miss with me, and I do realize that this is largely personal preference. If I had to make a guess, I'd say that I don't really feel invested because the only real character in the piece is really just a personification and not someone "real." Again, I know this is my own taste, and I can clearly see that this didn't bother a lot of other reviewers, so you're definitely doing many things right, here. I'll just finish with noting that I do agree with Chris' observations about the general feel of the piece being a bit watered down by being an MLP fanfic and leave it at that.
The sea is a jealous bitch, angered at the ships who dare to sail her beautiful surface, and her rage knows no bounds.
The prose is very striking throughout, but though I hate to say it, I didn't really interface emotionally with this one very much. Mood pieces tend to be pretty hit-or-miss with me, and I do realize that this is largely personal preference. If I had to make a guess, I'd say that I don't really feel invested because the only real character in the piece is really just a personification and not someone "real." Again, I know this is my own taste, and I can clearly see that this didn't bother a lot of other reviewers, so you're definitely doing many things right, here. I'll just finish with noting that I do agree with Chris' observations about the general feel of the piece being a bit watered down by being an MLP fanfic and leave it at that.
Genre: FEELS
Thoughts: To those knocking this for its tenuous ties to Pony, I will quote the immortal words of the esteemed Professor Tor Coolguy: "Screw all y'all."
For truly we have been presented with a thing of beauty here, and I think it's a credit to the strength of our fandom's writing community to see such a captivating entry.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: To those knocking this for its tenuous ties to Pony, I will quote the immortal words of the esteemed Professor Tor Coolguy: "Screw all y'all."
For truly we have been presented with a thing of beauty here, and I think it's a credit to the strength of our fandom's writing community to see such a captivating entry.
Tier: Top Contender
>>Light_Striker Update: I've partially changed my mind and pushed this partway back up my slate, but I do still think that while the writing itself is quite good, the lack of connection with the rest of the universe puts it at the margin of the round's theme. In particular, that aspect seems like something that could have been been consciously pushed closer to the reader's attention and integrated better without destroying the tone that makes the piece in the first place.
Hmmm… Prosopopoeia.
Nicely rendered. Lush prose. I by no means love the sea or sailboats (I'm a mountaineer), so the emotional load was scant, and I agree it would've been better off in an OF round.
But once again, this is a stupendous piece of prose, and kudos for that, author.
Probably better consumed with Enya’s music.
Nicely rendered. Lush prose. I by no means love the sea or sailboats (I'm a mountaineer), so the emotional load was scant, and I agree it would've been better off in an OF round.
But once again, this is a stupendous piece of prose, and kudos for that, author.
Probably better consumed with Enya’s music.
I've really been spoiled by all the bookends this round. This is the fourth fic or so to have them (that I've read, anyway), and these ones are particularly fabulous. And the story itself is beautifully written and full atmospheric imagery to boot. I think that the voice of the ship grants a degree of transference; I didn't have a problem becoming emotionally invested with it, and the fic carries a lot of poignancy and gravity for such a short piece. If this was an OF round then it would be top of my slate. As it isn't, I have to be consistent with my approach to fics that appear to skirt around edges of the pony universe. I think you do just enough to carry you through, and the quality of the prose will probably help out if not.
Thanks for sharing your work,
Thanks for sharing your work,
This is a very well-written piece, very atmospheric and with a great deal of emotional appeal. I think my favorite part was the old crew coming back to the ship for a final send-off. And while I do agree with others that the story doesn't feel as 'pony' as it should, I don't consider that a major distraction from the story.
What does hurt it in my ranking is the fact that the story doesn't seem to me to really have anything to do with the prompt. Neither the crew nor the ship try to ignore the fact that the ship is headed for permanent decommission, hoping that will go away. I know that this is serious nitpicking on my part, but that's just the way I feel. <:)
It might have helped if, rather than being calmly resigned about its fate, the ship had had the attitude of “I'm doing just fine thank you, nothing a little more caulking or some new rigging wouldn't cure!”. During the party, the ship is more like “Ah, they've come to celebrate! They're obviously getting ready to have me repaired and refitted!”.
And then the ship is scuttled.
This would have been more in line with the prompt. Sorry if I've been harsh, it really is an excellent piece and one that I enjoyed reading, but not one I can put at the top of my reading list (much as I would like to).
What does hurt it in my ranking is the fact that the story doesn't seem to me to really have anything to do with the prompt. Neither the crew nor the ship try to ignore the fact that the ship is headed for permanent decommission, hoping that will go away. I know that this is serious nitpicking on my part, but that's just the way I feel. <:)
It might have helped if, rather than being calmly resigned about its fate, the ship had had the attitude of “I'm doing just fine thank you, nothing a little more caulking or some new rigging wouldn't cure!”. During the party, the ship is more like “Ah, they've come to celebrate! They're obviously getting ready to have me repaired and refitted!”.
And then the ship is scuttled.
This would have been more in line with the prompt. Sorry if I've been harsh, it really is an excellent piece and one that I enjoyed reading, but not one I can put at the top of my reading list (much as I would like to).
I don't think the POV works in this story. The narrator spends a lot of time expositing on the past and on her history, but never really describes her own inner life. I think the story would be much more powerful if the Merry Widow had more personality of her own, with actual feeling and emotions and thoughts. Or, the story could have been told from the POV of a retired sailor, shipbuilder etc. anyone who can infuse the story with their own personality.
On the whole, I'm afraid this didn't work for me. The choice of the ship as the narrator suggests that this should be a highly sentimental story, but the narration is too matter-of-fact to truly touch the reader, especially one who's never set foot on the deck of a ship in real life and thus has no personal experience of emotional attachment to a seagoing vessel.
That's a wasted opportunity right there; it would have been interesting to read about one ship "talking" with another.
On the whole, I'm afraid this didn't work for me. The choice of the ship as the narrator suggests that this should be a highly sentimental story, but the narration is too matter-of-fact to truly touch the reader, especially one who's never set foot on the deck of a ship in real life and thus has no personal experience of emotional attachment to a seagoing vessel.
While awaiting my fate in the darkness, I feel the touch of another. A longboat brushes up against my sides
That's a wasted opportunity right there; it would have been interesting to read about one ship "talking" with another.
>>GroaningGreyAgony >>Light_Striker >>Bachiavellian >>CoffeeMinion >>Ceffyl_Dwr Thank you!
>>Chris >>Posh >>eusocialdragon >>Xepher >>JudgeDeadd (Criticizing the Critics) Ok, the POV character in this 750 word story *is* the ship. How in heck can it be "Ponied" more while still keeping the focus on the whole point of the story? This is Equestria, where flying horses sit on clouds and two ponies raise the sun and moon every day. Of course, ships have feelings and emotions.
>>Monokeras Interestingly enough, it was inspired by a piece of music. I'll link it in at the end.
Psalms 107:23 "They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the Lord, and his wonders in the deep. For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof."
The story was inspired, heck it was driven by the Jolly Rogers and their song, ‘Eight Bells’ from the Pirates Evermore album. (Go buy it.) For those of you of non-nautical lingo (I'm from Kansas, so I had to look the terms up too), the breakers is the scrapyard of ships where all the valuable bits are separated from the rest for recycling. The ship’s bell is struck in pairs for easier counting, and eight bells is traditionally the 4:00, 8:00 or 12:00 watch, or is struck upon the death of a sailor on the vessel.
The Jolly Rogers album Pirates Evermore is available on CD Baby here. It’s my favorite album to listen to at work, but keep the volume down to avoid offending the easily offendable. Or turn it up, put on your eyepatch, and sing along.
The Jolly Rogers perform every year at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival, which starts a mere 111 days from now. See you there, and don’t forget to tip the pirates!
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrU39FEH8lY]
>>Chris >>Posh >>eusocialdragon >>Xepher >>JudgeDeadd (Criticizing the Critics) Ok, the POV character in this 750 word story *is* the ship. How in heck can it be "Ponied" more while still keeping the focus on the whole point of the story? This is Equestria, where flying horses sit on clouds and two ponies raise the sun and moon every day. Of course, ships have feelings and emotions.
>>Monokeras Interestingly enough, it was inspired by a piece of music. I'll link it in at the end.
Psalms 107:23 "They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the Lord, and his wonders in the deep. For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof."
The story was inspired, heck it was driven by the Jolly Rogers and their song, ‘Eight Bells’ from the Pirates Evermore album. (Go buy it.) For those of you of non-nautical lingo (I'm from Kansas, so I had to look the terms up too), the breakers is the scrapyard of ships where all the valuable bits are separated from the rest for recycling. The ship’s bell is struck in pairs for easier counting, and eight bells is traditionally the 4:00, 8:00 or 12:00 watch, or is struck upon the death of a sailor on the vessel.
The Jolly Rogers album Pirates Evermore is available on CD Baby here. It’s my favorite album to listen to at work, but keep the volume down to avoid offending the easily offendable. Or turn it up, put on your eyepatch, and sing along.
The Jolly Rogers perform every year at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival, which starts a mere 111 days from now. See you there, and don’t forget to tip the pirates!
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrU39FEH8lY]
>>georg I should note that, despite my criticism, I thought highly enough of this story to put it in my top ten (at number six), and I'm legitimately disappointed to see it miss the finals. This, along with One Flew Over the Rock Farm and Fire in the Mind, were all brilliant in their own way, and I think I owe the latter a fair review now.
Here's the thing, my criticism isn't "not enough ponii donut reed." This story is beautiful, on its own merits. If anything, I think it's constrained by the MLP license. It feels like something I would read in an honest-to-goodness literary magazine, not in a fanfiction contest, a feeling which is only exacerbated by the light dusting of pony sprinkled over its deck.
I'd urge you to shoot higher than FiMfic with this. 'Cuz... like, this did pluck the heartstring that I reserve for water (and space!) craft.
Here's the thing, my criticism isn't "not enough ponii donut reed." This story is beautiful, on its own merits. If anything, I think it's constrained by the MLP license. It feels like something I would read in an honest-to-goodness literary magazine, not in a fanfiction contest, a feeling which is only exacerbated by the light dusting of pony sprinkled over its deck.
I'd urge you to shoot higher than FiMfic with this. 'Cuz... like, this did pluck the heartstring that I reserve for water (and space!) craft.
>>georg
I think the "ponied" criticism is still valid, though. MLP isn't the only fantasy setting where ships could reasonably be sentient--switch out the "hooves" for "hands" and really, it's a generic fantasy-type setting, and a light fantasy setting at that, where a ship could be sentient perhaps without people having any way of knowing. There's not much here at all that ties it in with something unique to the characters or universe in MLP, despite the fact that a ship could be sentient (which, by the way, is not something suggested by the show so far).
It's great as a fiction piece, and I agree with other people here that it was enjoyable, but it's hard to tell it's "pony" from here.
I think the "ponied" criticism is still valid, though. MLP isn't the only fantasy setting where ships could reasonably be sentient--switch out the "hooves" for "hands" and really, it's a generic fantasy-type setting, and a light fantasy setting at that, where a ship could be sentient perhaps without people having any way of knowing. There's not much here at all that ties it in with something unique to the characters or universe in MLP, despite the fact that a ship could be sentient (which, by the way, is not something suggested by the show so far).
It's great as a fiction piece, and I agree with other people here that it was enjoyable, but it's hard to tell it's "pony" from here.