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>>Trick_Question
I need to say it twice, because it's worth saying twice.
Despite the story as a whole not quite working for me, Pinkie Pie's suggestion was hilarious. You write good Pinkie. That was one of the funniest things I've read in the entire competition, and it appeared in the middle of drama. Amazing work.
I need to say it twice, because it's worth saying twice.
Despite the story as a whole not quite working for me, Pinkie Pie's suggestion was hilarious. You write good Pinkie. That was one of the funniest things I've read in the entire competition, and it appeared in the middle of drama. Amazing work.
I have no doubt that everypony will think I wrote this one because I'm a dickmare who occasionally writes about gender (and isn't afraid of sexy shipping), even though careful examination will reveal the writing is not my style.
Initially I thought the premise was going to be that Big Mac was lonely and was imagining sleeping with herself, which I loved even though it broke my heart. However, that theory didn't match the small hooves from Orchard's partner.
The second role-reversal became more obvious as the modifiers started changing, but honestly that was way more distracting and confusing than helpful since we didn't know who the other pony was for certain yet (and I see above other readers agree). You should probably stick with one set of "words" and switch at a critical point. I think you could have gotten away with this if only you'd provided concrete clues who the other pony was earlier on. The shock of the reveal isn't the point behind the story: not everything needs to be a surprise twist.
This sentence in particular confused the ever-loving-hay out of me. I still don't know who you're talking about with either of those pronouns, because this sentence begins a paragraph in which it seems to be Orchard Blossom doing the talking! Besides, when does somepony's voice echo through somepony else's body? If it's one pony, why are you gender-swapping them in the middle of a sentence without more context?
It took me way too long to pick up on what the bath was for. One of the reasons I placed only a moderate conditional probability on the correct guess is that the animals comment isn't a knockout clue, especially since Mac lives on a farm and we can't tell in some cases who is doing the talking.
I strongly favor the how the character voicing (not the voices) changed. I actually wrote a story about that. It's underrated in part because of the subject matter, but I think I knocked it out of the park.
All in all, this is a great story. You just need to make the opening part significantly less confusing for the reader. It's okay to defer information, but this is a little too much of a mix-up.
"But seriously, you gotta take care of your animals, right?"
Initially I thought the premise was going to be that Big Mac was lonely and was imagining sleeping with herself, which I loved even though it broke my heart. However, that theory didn't match the small hooves from Orchard's partner.
The second role-reversal became more obvious as the modifiers started changing, but honestly that was way more distracting and confusing than helpful since we didn't know who the other pony was for certain yet (and I see above other readers agree). You should probably stick with one set of "words" and switch at a critical point. I think you could have gotten away with this if only you'd provided concrete clues who the other pony was earlier on. The shock of the reveal isn't the point behind the story: not everything needs to be a surprise twist.
His deep voice echoed through her body.
This sentence in particular confused the ever-loving-hay out of me. I still don't know who you're talking about with either of those pronouns, because this sentence begins a paragraph in which it seems to be Orchard Blossom doing the talking! Besides, when does somepony's voice echo through somepony else's body? If it's one pony, why are you gender-swapping them in the middle of a sentence without more context?
It took me way too long to pick up on what the bath was for. One of the reasons I placed only a moderate conditional probability on the correct guess is that the animals comment isn't a knockout clue, especially since Mac lives on a farm and we can't tell in some cases who is doing the talking.
I strongly favor the how the character voicing (not the voices) changed. I actually wrote a story about that. It's underrated in part because of the subject matter, but I think I knocked it out of the park.
All in all, this is a great story. You just need to make the opening part significantly less confusing for the reader. It's okay to defer information, but this is a little too much of a mix-up.
At the start of the second para, I knew where this was going. This subject is well-trodden ground (despite it being a trope that's years old now, I think there are a few stories on it just in this contest alone!), but this story has a canonical flaw that makes it harder to enjoy: when Celestia accepts Twilight as her personal student, it is implied that she only has one protege at a time: this means Sunset Shimmer had to have left Celestia prior to her taking Twilight under her wing.
I realize that might sound picky, but since you're leaning on canon here to disambiguate where Celestia's angst is coming from (you never explicitly tell us anything), deviation from that canon with your entire premise makes the story seem much less real.
I do like the reframing of that adjective that Twilight picks up at the end. I think that's probably the best part of the premise.
I can buy the Celie and Twi you paint through the majority of the story, but the last line is too glurgey and doesn't match either character's personality.
I realize that might sound picky, but since you're leaning on canon here to disambiguate where Celestia's angst is coming from (you never explicitly tell us anything), deviation from that canon with your entire premise makes the story seem much less real.
I do like the reframing of that adjective that Twilight picks up at the end. I think that's probably the best part of the premise.
I can buy the Celie and Twi you paint through the majority of the story, but the last line is too glurgey and doesn't match either character's personality.
>>AndrewRogue
I agree here, I assume it's supposed to be alcohol. It'd help if there were another clue given, like a bottle on the desk.
It makes no sense that Twi is "waiting for the smell to go away": even if you didn't know what it was, why would a foal expect that?
I agree here, I assume it's supposed to be alcohol. It'd help if there were another clue given, like a bottle on the desk.
It makes no sense that Twi is "waiting for the smell to go away": even if you didn't know what it was, why would a foal expect that?
You mean "peeking" (trust me)... and "your". There are a few others throughout, so have somepony help you proof.
This is creative: I can't remember any of the other stories doing multiple "morning after" scenes like this. I like it.
I don't like the ending, though. You're restating the rest of the story in a telly fashion. It needs more depth than two parents deciding they probably did things right. It also seems unlikely they'd waffle on that idea, given that both children are powerful royalty now, arguably the two most successful ponies in all of Equestria who weren't alicorns last year. How could they possibly think they'd done them wrong?
My suggestion for a fix: add in a scene before Twi's coronation for the morning after Shining marries and becomes royalty. Add one before that where he becomes accepted to (or maybe when he becomes Captain of) the royal guard. Have the last scene be very short and simple, with two parents happy, where nothing needs to be spoken between them.
This is creative: I can't remember any of the other stories doing multiple "morning after" scenes like this. I like it.
I don't like the ending, though. You're restating the rest of the story in a telly fashion. It needs more depth than two parents deciding they probably did things right. It also seems unlikely they'd waffle on that idea, given that both children are powerful royalty now, arguably the two most successful ponies in all of Equestria who weren't alicorns last year. How could they possibly think they'd done them wrong?
My suggestion for a fix: add in a scene before Twi's coronation for the morning after Shining marries and becomes royalty. Add one before that where he becomes accepted to (or maybe when he becomes Captain of) the royal guard. Have the last scene be very short and simple, with two parents happy, where nothing needs to be spoken between them.
I noticed the length of Not_Worthy2's review a long time ago and was dreading reading this story because I thought it was going to be a mess if somepony had had that much to say. Colt, was I ever wrong.
Other reviewers have picked, so I needn't. >>Xepher sums up my only nitpicks anyway.
I thought this was breathtaking. You took the oldest and most tired of pony tropes and put a very clever spin upon it with a great deal of depth. You did it in a telly matter, but in this case that was the perfect approach, because you're revealing a duality of psychology—this needs to be all in L/NMM's headspace.
I can't find fault in the story or the general nature of its execution. This one must be published Fimfiction, author. I won't accept a "no".
Other reviewers have picked, so I needn't. >>Xepher sums up my only nitpicks anyway.
I thought this was breathtaking. You took the oldest and most tired of pony tropes and put a very clever spin upon it with a great deal of depth. You did it in a telly matter, but in this case that was the perfect approach, because you're revealing a duality of psychology—this needs to be all in L/NMM's headspace.
I can't find fault in the story or the general nature of its execution. This one must be published Fimfiction, author. I won't accept a "no".
I love the premise(s) here. I like the story.
I don't have much to complain about, but I think this is a story that will have your readers demanding more... and not in a good way. This needs to be part of a larger fic so that the issues you're presenting can be explored in greater depth.
On the otherpaw hoof, I have read a few award-winning stories which deal with temptation and fate and loss that don't go into any more depth than this. But in that case, you wouldn't need EQG to tell the story. You could make this any three girls who had suffered a tragedy, and Discord could be a mysteriously-dressed stranger whose power and invitation is clearly preternatural.
Wait, I do have one nitpick: you really need to describe Discord better. Describe what he's wearing as something crazy-mismatched and stitched together, or something. You're not doing him justice by painting him as a raving kook with a goatee and nothing more.
I don't have much to complain about, but I think this is a story that will have your readers demanding more... and not in a good way. This needs to be part of a larger fic so that the issues you're presenting can be explored in greater depth.
On the other
Wait, I do have one nitpick: you really need to describe Discord better. Describe what he's wearing as something crazy-mismatched and stitched together, or something. You're not doing him justice by painting him as a raving kook with a goatee and nothing more.
More T&SG shipping? Hmm... I am okay with this. :coolphoto: Proceed.
Okay, I expected comedy at first, but ended up reading some first-rate drama, and I found it touching. I don't agree with the whiplash comments above, at least not exactly. I think there needs to be more space in the middle for Starlight to explain herself so we can see what she's thinking during the quick transition. It didn't seem too sudden to me, because the catalyst of reducing her friend to tears is enough to explain her change of heart; but we don't really get to see much of that process of change.
Despite the simplicity of the premise, this is a tricky story to write within the word limit. It deserves more horse words. Based on the Gallery stats, you could have added 71 more words to this story. I think you should have used that extra space. (Time might also have been a factor, though.)
I thought Starlight's character was perfectly done, although there needs to be more depth in places. Something about Trixie seems a little off, though I can't place my hoof on it. It might be the thing she says after the muzzle-boop, I think. It sounds too well-reasoned for Trixie, and even moreso given her emotionality at the moment.
If you lengthen this and work on the voices, I think it could be fantastic.
Okay, I expected comedy at first, but ended up reading some first-rate drama, and I found it touching. I don't agree with the whiplash comments above, at least not exactly. I think there needs to be more space in the middle for Starlight to explain herself so we can see what she's thinking during the quick transition. It didn't seem too sudden to me, because the catalyst of reducing her friend to tears is enough to explain her change of heart; but we don't really get to see much of that process of change.
Despite the simplicity of the premise, this is a tricky story to write within the word limit. It deserves more horse words. Based on the Gallery stats, you could have added 71 more words to this story. I think you should have used that extra space. (Time might also have been a factor, though.)
I thought Starlight's character was perfectly done, although there needs to be more depth in places. Something about Trixie seems a little off, though I can't place my hoof on it. It might be the thing she says after the muzzle-boop, I think. It sounds too well-reasoned for Trixie, and even moreso given her emotionality at the moment.
If you lengthen this and work on the voices, I think it could be fantastic.
>>Trick_Question
Addendum: I just now saw the title of the story. It implies that Celestia's had a second falling out with a student, which in my headcanon would be Starlight Glimmer; but perhaps you mean Luna...? I think it's too ambiguous here. We don't know enough about Celestia's past to make sense of the title, because she doesn't give us enough clues about who all made her sad. (It sounds like a lot more than two ponies.)
Addendum: I just now saw the title of the story. It implies that Celestia's had a second falling out with a student, which in my headcanon would be Starlight Glimmer; but perhaps you mean Luna...? I think it's too ambiguous here. We don't know enough about Celestia's past to make sense of the title, because she doesn't give us enough clues about who all made her sad. (It sounds like a lot more than two ponies.)
>>Trick_Question
Addendum: I think the title would be better just as "Amalgam". Tossing in the value judgment in the title of your piece is a big mistake here. The reader should be able to come to that conclusion.
Addendum: I think the title would be better just as "Amalgam". Tossing in the value judgment in the title of your piece is a big mistake here. The reader should be able to come to that conclusion.
...she fancied...
Not needed, partly because you're getting too technical about her headspace, and partly because it's true: she's a pegasus pony. They can (and do) live in the clouds.
This needs some proofing, but I suspect it just fell to time constraints.
The narration about what the GSF is comes too late. Does Scootaloo understand this fact, or doesn't she? If she does, it should be introduced earlier, because you're leading the readers to think she's confused. If she doesn't, it should be introduced later, because you're artificially adding dramatic irony.
Okay, I've finished the story, so here are my thoughts.
The GSF is an interesting idea, but it's too adventure-ish to fit the mood of the story. It would be fine to show her hiding in a desolate place, but this is going way too far. The treehouse also seems completely impossible, and the pony living it in is one of the last ponies I'd expect to find roughing it in a place like this, much less with these incredible survival skills.
So I think the GSF ends up being a total distraction from the story. You spend more time describing that location than you do anything else, and the story isn't about the location. It is about isolation, but you don't need to be this creative with something that's incidental to the story. A place like this needs to be saved for an adventure story of some sort.
Because you spend so many horse words with descriptions and the GSF information, there isn't much story to be had here. We find out somepony had a falling out with somepony else, and that's the entire story. We never see what went wrong. We don't learn why the key character changes her mind based on virtually no information, especially after she went to this much trouble to get away from it all—which makes her decision seem unrealistic. We only hear about what happened third-hoof from the character who isn't the center of the story, and no details are provided. And that character (Scoots) is the protagonist when the story isn't even about her. You even spend time in Scootaloo's head with her dreaming about the clouds. It's bizarre when it turns out she has so little to do with the story.
You need to put a story in here somewhere. If you'd made the key character somepony like Twilight, who has the ability to survive in extreme situations, and you'd described what the falling out was about, then the story would make more sense and the setting would be justified (she's trying as hard as she possibly can to go into isolation). That would at least be a step in the right direction, but you'd still need more story than description.
Hmmmm. .The basic concept is interesting... Pinkie breaking the fourth wall to freak out a villain... Then discovering that it's "All a dream," while having Pinkie break the fourth wall again...
But Pinkie's dialogue just didn't feel very pinkie-ish. Pinkie is a combination of nonsense, brilliant insight, and a touch of fourth wall breaking... This felt a little heavy on the nonsense to me. Plus a bit of mood whiplash with the opening paragraphs being rather serious and grim...
So, I'd say it's a good, interesting idea... But the execution needs a bit of work.
But Pinkie's dialogue just didn't feel very pinkie-ish. Pinkie is a combination of nonsense, brilliant insight, and a touch of fourth wall breaking... This felt a little heavy on the nonsense to me. Plus a bit of mood whiplash with the opening paragraphs being rather serious and grim...
So, I'd say it's a good, interesting idea... But the execution needs a bit of work.
Okay, I thought this was pretty damned funny.
The image of Luna and Celestia as troublemaking sell-swords constantly on the move (or on the run) tickles my funny bone. Especially given how averse to responsibility they seem to be. I'd really like to read more of this Two thumbs up! :)
The image of Luna and Celestia as troublemaking sell-swords constantly on the move (or on the run) tickles my funny bone. Especially given how averse to responsibility they seem to be. I'd really like to read more of this Two thumbs up! :)
Wow. I like it.
I kinda figured out what was going on before Flash Sentry was mentioned by name. But it definitely fits. After who knows how long under the non--so-gentle hoof of Sombra, it's unrealistic to expect the Crystal ponies to bounce back overnight.
I'll agree with the other comments that I don't really see the point of the "Good filly" line being reused so much... But that's mostly a minor quibble. Two thumbs up!
I kinda figured out what was going on before Flash Sentry was mentioned by name. But it definitely fits. After who knows how long under the non--so-gentle hoof of Sombra, it's unrealistic to expect the Crystal ponies to bounce back overnight.
I'll agree with the other comments that I don't really see the point of the "Good filly" line being reused so much... But that's mostly a minor quibble. Two thumbs up!
This doesn't quite work for me. Mostly because the entire setup is due to a rather ridiculous misunderstanding, and most of the characters carrying a very large idiot ball. Twilight especially. One or two sentences from her could have cleared the whole thing up. Plus, if she was having wing cramps, surely she'd speak to one of her two winged friends to ask for advice!
I can see where you're trying to go with this, but I'm afraid it sorta fell flat for me.
Perhaps if you'd had more words to use, you could have arranged things differently.. Perhaps having each character overhear Twilight complaining about her wings, or cursing them, and misconstruing it. Especially when they all get together to discuss it. If most of the conflict comes from things that were just overheard, it avoids the issue that a single question or one sentence explanation from Twilight would clear the whole thing up...
I can see where you're trying to go with this, but I'm afraid it sorta fell flat for me.
Perhaps if you'd had more words to use, you could have arranged things differently.. Perhaps having each character overhear Twilight complaining about her wings, or cursing them, and misconstruing it. Especially when they all get together to discuss it. If most of the conflict comes from things that were just overheard, it avoids the issue that a single question or one sentence explanation from Twilight would clear the whole thing up...
There are things I like a lot about this story that affect me on a personal level, but it also has issues.
Listing details on all the lattes at the start seems unnatural. You end up using it at the end of the story, but you didn't need to list the drinks at the beginning for the callback to make sense.
I'm not sure if cafes have "lobbies", exactly? That seems like the wrong word.
It seems strange that all three mares arrive at the same time when it appears clear from the conversation that Pinkie fully intended to be alone. Were they following her? Did they plan a meeting and Pinkie decided to come even though she felt horrible? It's weird.
I really hate the trope of Pinkie being "Pinkamena" when her hair is straight. Pinkamena is her bucking name, and Pinkie is a nickname she uses. She doesn't "turn into Pinkamena", she's always Pinkamena. I know you're using it as a duality reference (that I have issues with which I'll comment on later), but I can't see this and not mention it irritates me. The only reason ponies identify Pinkie that way is that the first time on the show her mother called her by her full name was the first time we saw her that depressed. But that was complete coincidence. Her mother still calls her Pinkamena even when she isn't depressed. It's not really your fault, author, but arrrrrgh I hate that so freaking much.
Independent of that, I don't like how Pinkie is referring to herself in this schizy way. She isn't schizy like this at all. I do like the duality aspect, yes (and the first half of this story speaks to me very deeply), but I'm not buying that she imagines herself as two ponies because she doesn't toggle often. She can toggle between moods, and she may waffle over who she thinks she wants to be; but she's rarely broken down like this so it doesn't make sense for her to compartmentalize her depression in this manner. This isn't how bipolar depression works. I think you're close to the right idea, but you're not quite there.
I don't buy her transformation back to manic at all. This is happening too quickly, out of nowhere. Especially the slight dig at Rarity, that's totally out of left field, and it makes me read this story as a Tragedy: she's still bucking up big time the very moment she lets herself be free. It's like, practically the first thing she does when she feels better: screw up socially by insulting Rarity. Dear Celestia, that stings. I strongly suspect this story is supposed to be read as a tragedy.
Separately: I don't believe her friends would say those sorts of things to her even if they were inebriated. You need to show me that with words if you want me to buy it. You can't get away with telling extreme out-of-character stories to us third-hoof with no details and expect it will seem realistic.
Listing details on all the lattes at the start seems unnatural. You end up using it at the end of the story, but you didn't need to list the drinks at the beginning for the callback to make sense.
I'm not sure if cafes have "lobbies", exactly? That seems like the wrong word.
It seems strange that all three mares arrive at the same time when it appears clear from the conversation that Pinkie fully intended to be alone. Were they following her? Did they plan a meeting and Pinkie decided to come even though she felt horrible? It's weird.
I really hate the trope of Pinkie being "Pinkamena" when her hair is straight. Pinkamena is her bucking name, and Pinkie is a nickname she uses. She doesn't "turn into Pinkamena", she's always Pinkamena. I know you're using it as a duality reference (that I have issues with which I'll comment on later), but I can't see this and not mention it irritates me. The only reason ponies identify Pinkie that way is that the first time on the show her mother called her by her full name was the first time we saw her that depressed. But that was complete coincidence. Her mother still calls her Pinkamena even when she isn't depressed. It's not really your fault, author, but arrrrrgh I hate that so freaking much.
Independent of that, I don't like how Pinkie is referring to herself in this schizy way. She isn't schizy like this at all. I do like the duality aspect, yes (and the first half of this story speaks to me very deeply), but I'm not buying that she imagines herself as two ponies because she doesn't toggle often. She can toggle between moods, and she may waffle over who she thinks she wants to be; but she's rarely broken down like this so it doesn't make sense for her to compartmentalize her depression in this manner. This isn't how bipolar depression works. I think you're close to the right idea, but you're not quite there.
I don't buy her transformation back to manic at all. This is happening too quickly, out of nowhere. Especially the slight dig at Rarity, that's totally out of left field, and it makes me read this story as a Tragedy: she's still bucking up big time the very moment she lets herself be free. It's like, practically the first thing she does when she feels better: screw up socially by insulting Rarity. Dear Celestia, that stings. I strongly suspect this story is supposed to be read as a tragedy.
Separately: I don't believe her friends would say those sorts of things to her even if they were inebriated. You need to show me that with words if you want me to buy it. You can't get away with telling extreme out-of-character stories to us third-hoof with no details and expect it will seem realistic.
The "Now, awaken!" line looks odd to me, with one word each on opposite sides of the screen. I think you forgot to put the [ hr] on its own line, so it's trying justify the paragraph or something? This might almost be a bug, actually. Should the interpreter assume that [ hr] always gets a new line?
Anyways, writing things. This story contains a perceptual shift, without containing a corresponding emotional shift. Because of that, I'm not entirely sure what it's trying to get at.
At the end of the story, the 'it was all a dream' thing happens. That works alright, I think; it re-frames what's been going on beforehand, and gives us new context for understanding it while resolving some of the subtly wrong things (like Chrysalis actually knowing who Thorax is at the time of the invasion.) However, the ending doesn't suggest that either Chrysalis or the pony in Canterlot (Who's probably Luna?) seem to be changed/changing, and I'm not sure what to make of that.
Is Chrysalis unable to change? It seems like she's being put through some fairly horrendous stuff here, and regularly. Is this simply pointless torment, the way the suggested images of pulling the wings off bugs or frying them with a magnifying glass seems to suggest? With that interpretation, the pony sending the dreams comes off as cruel, and Chrysalis seems pitiable.
Or is this cruelty justified, because it averts what Chrysalis would do without it? That's a fairly heavy topic, and I don't really see it addressed. Do the ends justify the means here? Exactly how far can you push 'the means' before they need to be justified?
Perhaps Chrysalis will eventually repent and ask for forgiveness. That would reconcile things fairly neatly, but... I'm not seeing any indication of that in the ending.
Also... why Celestia? I assume, from the dreaming thing, that this is actually Luna. Why would she use her sister's form? We have no real reason to believe Celestia's more powerful than Luna, or that Chrysalis is more/less scared of one or the other. Something about Luna using her sister's image like that just strikes me as subtly wrong, but I'm not entirely certain why. Maybe something about trying to maintain the integrity of the point that's being made, or offering something in another person's name. Maybe I'm unusual in that, though. But if it was openly signaled that it was Celestia I wouldn't mind it, and... I do think the images invoked are effective, especially since using a magnifying glass on bugs is something many people have tried or heard about.
Anyways, writing things. This story contains a perceptual shift, without containing a corresponding emotional shift. Because of that, I'm not entirely sure what it's trying to get at.
At the end of the story, the 'it was all a dream' thing happens. That works alright, I think; it re-frames what's been going on beforehand, and gives us new context for understanding it while resolving some of the subtly wrong things (like Chrysalis actually knowing who Thorax is at the time of the invasion.) However, the ending doesn't suggest that either Chrysalis or the pony in Canterlot (Who's probably Luna?) seem to be changed/changing, and I'm not sure what to make of that.
Is Chrysalis unable to change? It seems like she's being put through some fairly horrendous stuff here, and regularly. Is this simply pointless torment, the way the suggested images of pulling the wings off bugs or frying them with a magnifying glass seems to suggest? With that interpretation, the pony sending the dreams comes off as cruel, and Chrysalis seems pitiable.
Or is this cruelty justified, because it averts what Chrysalis would do without it? That's a fairly heavy topic, and I don't really see it addressed. Do the ends justify the means here? Exactly how far can you push 'the means' before they need to be justified?
Perhaps Chrysalis will eventually repent and ask for forgiveness. That would reconcile things fairly neatly, but... I'm not seeing any indication of that in the ending.
Also... why Celestia? I assume, from the dreaming thing, that this is actually Luna. Why would she use her sister's form? We have no real reason to believe Celestia's more powerful than Luna, or that Chrysalis is more/less scared of one or the other. Something about Luna using her sister's image like that just strikes me as subtly wrong, but I'm not entirely certain why. Maybe something about trying to maintain the integrity of the point that's being made, or offering something in another person's name. Maybe I'm unusual in that, though. But if it was openly signaled that it was Celestia I wouldn't mind it, and... I do think the images invoked are effective, especially since using a magnifying glass on bugs is something many people have tried or heard about.
Using italics for everything but the protagonist's thoughts, and using non-italics for her actual thoughts, seems completely backwards and weird. It makes her thoughts seem less important, and it feels like her thoughts should be the focus. Maybe you're doing it to push us into her headspace, but I don't think you need to...
EDIT: Ah! Now I see you're doing it as prep for a transition. Hmm. It actually works pretty well, but I'm not sure if it helps more than hurts. It seems too weird before I hit the transition, and that's distracting.
(Picky stuff: does blood really pound in your ears? I don't get a lot of exercise, but I have good hearing and I can't remember ever hearing my blood. Either way, the blood in her ears probably isn't the thing that is pushing her through the dim light. And if she's running like crazy out of fear, why would she freeze at a screech behind her? Wouldn't that continue to motivate her to run? Too many cliches like "no avail" are a bad thing.)
Okay! Story is finished. Comments:
I agree with other commenters that Gerhard vs. Gerald is super-confusing. It really makes this sound like you're indicating that these are two halves of the same pony (which I still suspect you are), but it isn't clear, and it's confusing. Maybe you opened a dictionary of G-names and decided to choose two in a row?
My main problem: who the hell are these ponies and what is going on and why should I care? It seems fairly clear early on that Gerald is Sombra, and Crystal might be a symbolic representation of the nation of Crystal ponies, but then what does Gerhard represent? I have no idea. There must be a deeper meaning here that's going waaaay over my head. I don't see it. I don't even see what this has to do with ponies.
(Also, a dagger in a magically-shapeshifting griffon's side doesn't sound like it would do much of anything. It's certainly not a finishing blow. Why not his neck?)
My best guess, the only one that makes sense to me, is that King Sombra originally had two selves, sort of like a were-creature; the dagger stabbing is in some way a representation of a critical event; and this is Sombra's wife or lover. That's a crazy effing guess, but it's all I got. I have no idea what is going on in this story and I'm fairly perceptive. I think there's a ton of data in the author's head that didn't make it onto the paper.
(reads other comments, desperate for the slightest clue; also decides to italicize this thought-writing aside rather than italicize the entire review except for this single line) :trollestia:
Ah, I didn't place the G's. That's probably because it doesn't fit the fact that Gerald "took the form of a griffon" (meaning he wasn't actually a griffon!), and Gerhard's claws at the end seem to be a duality reference rather than a griffon hint.
...
Well, alright then. Apparently nopony else has a clue what is going on here in the land of strange fairy-tale OC's. Whatever you're writing, author, either it's completely random and unconnected to MLP, or you're being far too subtle with your allegories. I have to assume it's the latter, and this is an allegory to Sombra's rule, and I'm totally missing the connection between Sombra and the 'hero'.
Verdict: creative, a bit cliche, and wait wat
EDIT: Ah! Now I see you're doing it as prep for a transition. Hmm. It actually works pretty well, but I'm not sure if it helps more than hurts. It seems too weird before I hit the transition, and that's distracting.
(Picky stuff: does blood really pound in your ears? I don't get a lot of exercise, but I have good hearing and I can't remember ever hearing my blood. Either way, the blood in her ears probably isn't the thing that is pushing her through the dim light. And if she's running like crazy out of fear, why would she freeze at a screech behind her? Wouldn't that continue to motivate her to run? Too many cliches like "no avail" are a bad thing.)
Okay! Story is finished. Comments:
I agree with other commenters that Gerhard vs. Gerald is super-confusing. It really makes this sound like you're indicating that these are two halves of the same pony (which I still suspect you are), but it isn't clear, and it's confusing. Maybe you opened a dictionary of G-names and decided to choose two in a row?
My main problem: who the hell are these ponies and what is going on and why should I care? It seems fairly clear early on that Gerald is Sombra, and Crystal might be a symbolic representation of the nation of Crystal ponies, but then what does Gerhard represent? I have no idea. There must be a deeper meaning here that's going waaaay over my head. I don't see it. I don't even see what this has to do with ponies.
(Also, a dagger in a magically-shapeshifting griffon's side doesn't sound like it would do much of anything. It's certainly not a finishing blow. Why not his neck?)
My best guess, the only one that makes sense to me, is that King Sombra originally had two selves, sort of like a were-creature; the dagger stabbing is in some way a representation of a critical event; and this is Sombra's wife or lover. That's a crazy effing guess, but it's all I got. I have no idea what is going on in this story and I'm fairly perceptive. I think there's a ton of data in the author's head that didn't make it onto the paper.
(reads other comments, desperate for the slightest clue; also decides to italicize this thought-writing aside rather than italicize the entire review except for this single line) :trollestia:
Ah, I didn't place the G's. That's probably because it doesn't fit the fact that Gerald "took the form of a griffon" (meaning he wasn't actually a griffon!), and Gerhard's claws at the end seem to be a duality reference rather than a griffon hint.
...
Well, alright then. Apparently nopony else has a clue what is going on here in the land of strange fairy-tale OC's. Whatever you're writing, author, either it's completely random and unconnected to MLP, or you're being far too subtle with your allegories. I have to assume it's the latter, and this is an allegory to Sombra's rule, and I'm totally missing the connection between Sombra and the 'hero'.
Verdict: creative, a bit cliche, and wait wat
Alright, I've read and reviewed all fifty stories. :twilightsmile: Wow that was a lot of reading and writing. :ajsleepy:
I'm going to fix myself some dinner, and then come back for the really hard part...
...
Somehow rating 48 stories in sequential order. :raritydespair:
I'm going to fix myself some dinner, and then come back for the really hard part...
...
Somehow rating 48 stories in sequential order. :raritydespair:
>>Monokeras
I gotta prep one myself. The lesser of my two stories is not at all likely to make the cut.
I'm certain the better one will make it, and there's not much I'd change about the story (sometimes you gotta disagree with your critics).
I gotta prep one myself. The lesser of my two stories is not at all likely to make the cut.
I'm certain the better one will make it, and there's not much I'd change about the story (sometimes you gotta disagree with your critics).
This sort of easy-going low-stakes conflict is a great choice for the minfic format--it's going to almost always pay off no matter who reads it. Dialogue was entertaining, and overall this was just really fun to read. On the other hand, I have to mention that the pacing does feel a little weird to me. I feel a little odd for saying this about a minific, but the start of the fic felt a little slow, and the end felt almost dragged out. We aren't introduced to the crux of the plot (the fact that we're seeing the butt-end of a time loop) until very nearly the half-way point, and after this is revealed, everything sort of just happens the way you'd expect. Overall, I'm probably still going to end up rating this one rather highly, though, but this might be something you'd want to look at for a revision/rewrite.
Okay, I can't help but feel a little like the whole story was a set up for that last line. It just feels overly attention-grabbing, in an almost blatant way. Other than that, you paint a very fluid picture with your imagery; I like that a lot of the descriptions encourages the reader to think and imagine, rather than just visualizing whatever image they've been given.But honestly, I'm not entirely sure what you're going for. It feels like you're setting up a mood/tone piece, but Luna's voice just doesn't seem to match up with this. To be honest, not much of her dialogue felt like NMM, or even pre-Luna Eclipsed Luna to me. Her flippant sarcasm makes it difficult to take her very seriously, which kind of undermines the more thoughtful parts. It's almost as if there is a new tone/mood every few paragraphs, and it makes it difficult to become invested in it one way or another. My suggestion: pick a feeling you want to evoke within the reader and stick to it. It's hard to produce a strong minific when it feels like half of the story is actively undoing the other half.
Okay! Ranking is finally done.
Surprises (to me):
Maybe I'm getting cynical and picky, but I was really underwhelmed by most of the stories this time. :fluttershyouch: The only two I will demand get published on Fimfiction are Abhorrent Amalgamation (please change the title kthx) and Happily Ever After* (but not sure you can expand this any more without totally ruining it), and for all you applebuckers know I'm a raving douche and I wrote both of those and I hate everypony who isn't me because I'm the best all of you die in a river bleaaaaarrrgh.
After those two, my next favorite story? Day One. Seriously, I'm not making this up. It was creative, it had an interesting and upbeat message, and I was right there in Luna's horseshoes the entire time. It wasn't as technically beautiful as most of the stories, but I didn't get the 'random' feeling most readers did. I don't know if it can be made publishable in a way that most readers would enjoy it, so I don't know what to recommend to the author.
Or maybe I wrote that one too and I'm still a self-absorbed writer who thinks she's better than everypony else.
Maybe I wrote ALL the stories. :rainbowdetermined: Suck it. :facehoof:
For the record, just so I don't seem crazy: conditionally, I think A Good Filly should definitely be published too, but it needs work—the motif bothered me enough that it got dinged by a few slots, so Day One ended up scoring higher. There were a plenty of other stories this time that were amazing writing but didn't seem to relate to ponies at all, which hurt them: Scorpion Days is probably the most well-written story in the contest but the connections didn't make sense and some of the meaning was overly-subtle (or just didn't speak to me personally).
Filthy Rich took 70% in my rating, and there's no way it will make the cut. I'm so, so sorry. I just don't know what went wrong. (Did I mention I was underwhelmed?)
Good luck everypony! :pinkiehappy:
Surprises (to me):
Maybe I'm getting cynical and picky, but I was really underwhelmed by most of the stories this time. :fluttershyouch: The only two I will demand get published on Fimfiction are Abhorrent Amalgamation (please change the title kthx) and Happily Ever After* (but not sure you can expand this any more without totally ruining it), and for all you applebuckers know I'm a raving douche and I wrote both of those and I hate everypony who isn't me because I'm the best all of you die in a river bleaaaaarrrgh.
After those two, my next favorite story? Day One. Seriously, I'm not making this up. It was creative, it had an interesting and upbeat message, and I was right there in Luna's horseshoes the entire time. It wasn't as technically beautiful as most of the stories, but I didn't get the 'random' feeling most readers did. I don't know if it can be made publishable in a way that most readers would enjoy it, so I don't know what to recommend to the author.
Or maybe I wrote that one too and I'm still a self-absorbed writer who thinks she's better than everypony else.
Maybe I wrote ALL the stories. :rainbowdetermined: Suck it. :facehoof:
For the record, just so I don't seem crazy: conditionally, I think A Good Filly should definitely be published too, but it needs work—the motif bothered me enough that it got dinged by a few slots, so Day One ended up scoring higher. There were a plenty of other stories this time that were amazing writing but didn't seem to relate to ponies at all, which hurt them: Scorpion Days is probably the most well-written story in the contest but the connections didn't make sense and some of the meaning was overly-subtle (or just didn't speak to me personally).
Filthy Rich took 70% in my rating, and there's no way it will make the cut. I'm so, so sorry. I just don't know what went wrong. (Did I mention I was underwhelmed?)
Good luck everypony! :pinkiehappy:
I'm going to be blunt. I'm not sure why, but this one didn't really hit its mark for me. For some reason, a lot of the emotions here didn't quite feel genuine to me. If I had to pick a reason, I'd say that a lot of the set-up feels formulaic. I've seen a whole bunch of these plot devices used before: innocent child overhearing adults talk about an emotional event; the whole "the Princess isn't seeing anyone right now" song and dance, and a lot of the way Celestia tip-toes around talking about the actual issue. All of these little tropes make the emotions feel second-hand. I know its tempting to use emotional shorthand to get your point across to the reader as fast as you can, but don't rely on it to deliver the core of your story.
>>Trick_Question
I feel the same way. I've gotten through about half the stories this round, and nearly all of them landed in some shade of "meh" for me. I guess sometimes we have amazing events where every story feels like a top contender, and sometimes we just don't. Or, maybe, I'm just being a grouch. Who can say? :P
I feel the same way. I've gotten through about half the stories this round, and nearly all of them landed in some shade of "meh" for me. I guess sometimes we have amazing events where every story feels like a top contender, and sometimes we just don't. Or, maybe, I'm just being a grouch. Who can say? :P
>>Bachiavellian
Honestly, I can only blame myself for writing every story this time. :ajunsure:
Honestly, I can only blame myself for writing every story this time. :ajunsure:
The understated emotions here are really powerful, especially since you let the reader feel like they're figuring out a lot of the themes along the way. I also really liked your characters' voices; they lend the setting a more lived-in, grittier feeling, but without divorcing it from the source material. If I'd have to level a complaint at this one, I'd mention that a lot of this skirts dangerously close to talking heads territory--I was tempted once or twice to start skimming. Regardless, though, this one's going towards the top of my slate.
It's been a while since I've read all the old TCB fics. This definitely feels like... the middle of one? TCB fics have several distinct stages; welcome to crapsack future earth; meet the peeps living in said crapsack world and see their reasons for wanting conversion; TCB itself and how it's accomplished; now they're ponies and how this changes things; new pony decides to stay on doomed earth until it goes boom or leaves for the new world.
So this is like... close to the end of a TCB fic. The problem is that we don't get any lead-up or the aftermath. It definitely needs more.
So this is like... close to the end of a TCB fic. The problem is that we don't get any lead-up or the aftermath. It definitely needs more.
You had me with the title.
You had me with the story.
The repetition at the end didn't work.
But it's still a good story, with a decent moral. Though since she was fighting against the concept of crying, maybe the title should have been "big mares don't cry." (They don't cry-y-y)
>>FanOfMostEverything
Cmon, I'm talking to you, cmon.
You had me with the story.
The repetition at the end didn't work.
But it's still a good story, with a decent moral. Though since she was fighting against the concept of crying, maybe the title should have been "big mares don't cry." (They don't cry-y-y)
>>FanOfMostEverything
Cmon, I'm talking to you, cmon.
>>Trick_Question
The title means that Chrysalis supplanted Cadance's role in the bedroom—literally, between (twixt) the sheets. The words themselves are an adaptation from a line by Iago in Act I Scene III of Shakespeare's Othello, but knowing this adds nothing to the story here.
The title means that Chrysalis supplanted Cadance's role in the bedroom—literally, between (twixt) the sheets. The words themselves are an adaptation from a line by Iago in Act I Scene III of Shakespeare's Othello, but knowing this adds nothing to the story here.
>>Trick_Question
I very strongly suspect you're reading too much into the phrase "taking the form of." I think it just an overly theatrical way to say a figure emerged from the shadows rather than some protean entity briefly assuming a stable shape. The rest of the story supports it just being a memory-nightmare followed by waking up after the italicized events passed.
I very strongly suspect you're reading too much into the phrase "taking the form of." I think it just an overly theatrical way to say a figure emerged from the shadows rather than some protean entity briefly assuming a stable shape. The rest of the story supports it just being a memory-nightmare followed by waking up after the italicized events passed.
>>KwirkyJ
Well yes, I understand that part. But where's this "Office"? Does that mean the "official role of wife" or something?
Well yes, I understand that part. But where's this "Office"? Does that mean the "official role of wife" or something?
>>FanOfMostEverything
Ah, I see what you mean.
But given the preternatural descriptions of sounds behind her then suddenly in front of her and dark fog, I don't think my interpretation is a stretch. I seriously thought this was dark fog turning into a griffon shape.
Ah, I see what you mean.
But given the preternatural descriptions of sounds behind her then suddenly in front of her and dark fog, I don't think my interpretation is a stretch. I seriously thought this was dark fog turning into a griffon shape.
This is definitely the Tantabus, re-made, or purified, or whatever. Doubt talks about them working together in the past, the whole 'parent of' when the Tantabus is born of doubt and regret, and so on.
That, I think, makes it more interesting than if it were some psychopomp.
That, I think, makes it more interesting than if it were some psychopomp.
Well, I suppose it's an interesting concept... Though to be honest, I find it a bit more muddled than terrifying.
But the whole cipher thing... I'm sorry, but you're requiring way too much effort from me in order to enjoy this story. If not for the fact that some other readers were kind enough to decrypt this already, I'd have just skipped this one. Rather than a story wrapped around a puzzle, this was a puzzle wrapped around a story. And I'm afraid I've never been much of a puzzle person.
I'd have to say that this is a story that lost itself to its medium.
But the whole cipher thing... I'm sorry, but you're requiring way too much effort from me in order to enjoy this story. If not for the fact that some other readers were kind enough to decrypt this already, I'd have just skipped this one. Rather than a story wrapped around a puzzle, this was a puzzle wrapped around a story. And I'm afraid I've never been much of a puzzle person.
I'd have to say that this is a story that lost itself to its medium.
Georg’s first Round Micro Reviews for the new stories on my slate The Morning After Scores are letter grades for Plot, Technical Work, and Characterization mushed together, with an E for stories I find particularly Enjoyable. Ranked by how I like them, not necessarily how perfect they are on the score. (and posted all at once, from top to bottom so they line up on the chat.)
Enjoyed - Happily Ever After — A+ — *Extremely* well written, and interesting. Sucks the reader right in. Cranky done right.
Enjoyed - The New Dawn — A+ — Thrown a bit by the POV/cadence at the beginning. Seems a little Rikki-tikki-tavi, but well worth persisting throughout. Good example of show don’t tell. Holding to the prose and making it understandable is worth a bonus point here, EVEN though the prose breaks all kinds of writing rules, BECAUSE breaking the rules allows the author to point out the situation in a novel fashion. It would not surprise me at all to find this in the top five when all is done.
Enjoyed - The Age of Harmony — A — Only lacking the Plus rating because of lack of final polish. A wonderful tale to tell to Twilight the next time she asks the *real* reason how Celestia and Luna became the heads of state. The feel is genuine and the flow just about perfect. And of course the Royal Sisters play off each other perfectly.
Hair of the Sister That Bit You — A — Certainly in character for the three main characters, although I would be expecting a little more abject ‘sorry’ from Applejack, as she’s the one who screwed up. Very nice little interaction here, smooth as her cider. Breath of fresh air.
(and of course my inner pedant wants it to be 'Hair of the Sister Who Bit You') :)
(and of course my inner pedant wants it to be 'Hair of the Sister Who Bit You') :)
The Princess Sleeps — B+ — A nice little sub-story about what goes on in Luna’s mind, suitably dark where it needs to be. It’s kinda rough, though, and the length restrictions make it more difficult to pick out just what actions are taking place.
I liked this story, and thought it was perfectly well done, especially given the limited word count. Sure, it wasn't filled with twists and turns and complexities. It was a simple and straightforward story, told simply and well, and there's nothing wrong with that. The characters felt, well, in-character. And the situation was perfectly reasonable and believable. So, two thumbs up in my book!
I Wasn’t Prepared For This — B+ — I’m torn. If you were going for the flip-flop reveal, having the reader think the missing student was Twilight instead of Sunset, it didn’t work. If you were wanting the reader to twig to the missing student being Sunset from the start, that didn’t work either. It kinda-sorta fell in the no-man’s land between. I’m going to have to go with a suggestion instead of a critique. Why not *start* her with the book, blank page and all, unwilling to admit to her obvious failure with Sunset but she *has* to in order to open a new chapter with her new student, and mentally berate herself about not making the same mistakes despite her insecurity, close with writing something positive like “Until we meet again. --Celestia”
Abhorrent Amalgamation — B+ — Interesting interplay betwixt Nightmare and Night Mare, but difficult to pick apart to figure out just what is being discussed, even though the ‘who’ of the matter jumps out at the reader fairly easily.
Day One — B+ — Ok, that was a little… odd. Umbrellas? Seriously, that could have been cropped out and made the story hold together better. Technically done quite well, but very little ‘there’ inside, like a diet soda.
The Dulling Effect — B+ — It starts out stilted and awkward, stating the obvious and not flowing well at all. Stayed that way as it went, BUT there’s promise in the premise here. Planning on expanding this one out, perhaps? You’re going to need an editor. As I’ve said before, I’d rather have a story with an intriguing concept and poor grammar than the other way around.
Twixt My Sheets She’s Done My Office — B — Another technically correct but not really enticing story about Shining Armor and Cadence. It really didn’t catch fire for a number of reasons, one of which is the setting of ‘The Talk.’ The breakfast table? Really? The Princess of Love with her coffee trying to get to the heart of Shining Armor’s feelings. No. Go for between the sheets, as the title reads.
An Advanced Lesson in Friendship — B — Subtitled: When all you have is a hammer, all problems look like nails. Starlight has a time spell. Starlight has a problem. Having learned nothing from the last time she used a time spell… Good thing she has Trixie to keep her grounded. Not too bad. Pascoite would ding you for all the ‘ as ‘ phrases you used.
Romancing an Alicorn — B — Interesting concept, some characterization problems and a few grammar errors. Celestia’s too cold, Rarity’s too snappy, and Spike… seems to have been drinking. One quick technical error: Celestia’s a princess, therefore is addressed as ‘Your Highness’ instead of a King/Queen address of ‘Your Majesty.’
After A Wild Night — B- — That was… odd. The length restriction crippled it up quite a bit, but the unexpected shipping was a good touch to raise interest. The grammar and dialogue flow also was a little stilted in places. It may work out better if expanded, but as is, it’s good but not great.
Dawn — B- — The short length makes the dream sequence and the waking sequence afterwards very difficult to keep separate, as well as the close familiarity of the names of the two griffons. There’s a lot of smushing together that blurs the lines and makes it difficult to enjoy.
Through Obscurity — D — Ok, winner of my I Don’t Get This award for this writeoff. Seriously, encrypting part of your story, the *important* part, is not good writing. Grats for the clever way of… totally blocking me from enjoying the story. Ding.
Filthy Rich President Elect — Null — Abstaining on this one too. Political satire can be easily made funny, no matter what side you take, if any. This isn’t.
Well, I rather liked the opening... Luna's abrupt and embarrassed departure, and Twilight's realization that this is all a dream was an entertaining and promising start. (Though as a immortal alicorn of dreams, I'd expect Luna to be past feeling embarrassed when encountering, ahem, intimate dreams.)
Then we jump to Twilight waking up... To find herself in bed with Trixie and Starlight. Which doesn't seem to have anything to do with the opening scene... It almost seems like two different story ideas crashed together in the middle. One where Twilight is embarrassed by Luna witnessing an erotic dream... And one where two of her friends play a (kinda mean) prank on her. Both ideas have potential, but stitched together like this, and under such a limited length, both ideas suffer rather than support each other.
Then we jump to Twilight waking up... To find herself in bed with Trixie and Starlight. Which doesn't seem to have anything to do with the opening scene... It almost seems like two different story ideas crashed together in the middle. One where Twilight is embarrassed by Luna witnessing an erotic dream... And one where two of her friends play a (kinda mean) prank on her. Both ideas have potential, but stitched together like this, and under such a limited length, both ideas suffer rather than support each other.
Nobody did.
Nobody did? Well this is CLEARLY not pony. 0/10. Go join the author of Cranky Can't Write Nothin' in Scotland. Which we shall rename Scatland because of you.
I had trouble getting into this at first, simply because Blueblood seemed far more self-aware and sensitive than he's depicted in the show. And that contrasted with the way he distastefully compares himself to a pauper; I thought you were making a mistake trying to paint him as sympathetic while still maintaining his classist asshole persona.
Then I got to this part right here:
Mother said I should just be myself, and ponies will like me. But the pony I am, nobody likes.
And I figured out what you were doing, and I started to appreciate it a little bit more. Even that little personality snarl seemed a subtle, elegantly handled detail. If you wanted to expand and publish this, I think you might have it split between Blueblood acting the cad, and Blueblood reflecting on how he doesn't know how to be anything but a cad.
Or, in others words, not "show don't tell," but "show AND tell."
EDIT: I just want to point out the semantic ambiguity in my fake title for Happily Ever After*. Perhaps the solution to Cranky's problems is just a change of scenery.
Well, full points for cleverness with the whole "draconequus" thing. I never even considered taking that name quite so literally...
However, the rest of the story doesn't work quite as well for me. Other reviews have pointed out plenty of issues already, but one I haven't see mentioned is the fact that Gem is clearly a young adult by this point.. and he's somehow never met Princess Celestia in person before? He's the son of one of the elements of harmony and a dragon who is, at the very least, a direct line of communication with Celestia, if not her adopted son. I wouldn't be surprised if the Princesses showed up for Gem's birth. Never having met before really doesn't fly for me.
And, of course, there's the myriad of issues involved I time travel, but I think those have mostly been addressed already...
However, the rest of the story doesn't work quite as well for me. Other reviews have pointed out plenty of issues already, but one I haven't see mentioned is the fact that Gem is clearly a young adult by this point.. and he's somehow never met Princess Celestia in person before? He's the son of one of the elements of harmony and a dragon who is, at the very least, a direct line of communication with Celestia, if not her adopted son. I wouldn't be surprised if the Princesses showed up for Gem's birth. Never having met before really doesn't fly for me.
And, of course, there's the myriad of issues involved I time travel, but I think those have mostly been addressed already...
Trotting over to the dresser, I pick up a brush and get to work on my mane, trying to tame the mass of red curls, "Goldy, can you help? I'm no good at these froufrou hair care things."
A white unicorn nicknamed Goldy? Boinking a mare who's shy about sex? Is... this a Project Horizons spin-off...?
Golden Light
Oh, okay. Never mind.
That's because your trying to use a coat cleaner in your mane, Misty."
It's a Pokemon thing, not a Project Horizons thing. Red mane, Misty... you see the connection.
"Chancy, wake up!
I was kidding about the Pokemon thing!
This isn't a story so much as it is the set-up for a sitcom. I can see it working if you think through the specifics of this little family you've got brewing here, but as a self-contained story, it's... it's just weird.
...Why is she springing this on Twilight during what I assume is the Grand Galloping Gala? She does it so casually, too...
I don't have a problem with the headcanon; I like portrayals of the Princess duo as projecting a confidence that they don't really feel one hundred percent, particularly Celestia the Reluctant Ruler. But I think that part would be better if you changed it from "after Discord" to "after Luna/Nightmare Moon" and wrote a different justification for it. Banishing John de Lancie from the mortal plane isn't really cause for introspection and quiet retirement. Banishing your baby sister and your only friend, well.. that would probably leave Celly a little more jaded.
I don't have a problem with the headcanon; I like portrayals of the Princess duo as projecting a confidence that they don't really feel one hundred percent, particularly Celestia the Reluctant Ruler. But I think that part would be better if you changed it from "after Discord" to "after Luna/Nightmare Moon" and wrote a different justification for it. Banishing John de Lancie from the mortal plane isn't really cause for introspection and quiet retirement. Banishing your baby sister and your only friend, well.. that would probably leave Celly a little more jaded.
The story can be best summarized thus: Twilight Sparkle is dead and Celestia and Luna are looking for her in the/an afterlife. They almost find her, but don't. The end.
Everything else is just window dressing. The prose is lovely, but what does it amount to? I saw some hints of something larger, more interesting, that made me think the story was greater than the sum of its parts (look at the brief discussion about "grace" and consider its meaning in the context of the show and this story), but what's here... just doesn't signify anything to me.
Sorry, fella.
Everything else is just window dressing. The prose is lovely, but what does it amount to? I saw some hints of something larger, more interesting, that made me think the story was greater than the sum of its parts (look at the brief discussion about "grace" and consider its meaning in the context of the show and this story), but what's here... just doesn't signify anything to me.
Sorry, fella.
>>georg
I would argue that there's no "easily" about political satire, unless you have the knack for it. It's the same problem as people face when writing comedy, but with half or more of the audience already not in your corner.
I would argue that there's no "easily" about political satire, unless you have the knack for it. It's the same problem as people face when writing comedy, but with half or more of the audience already not in your corner.
An interesting inversion of the typical trope. My main gripe was that Minuette is typically the dentist pony in fanon, and a dentist with an addiction-level sweet-tooth would be perfect here, yet that aspect isn't mentioned. Definitely feel that's a lost opportunity. Overall, the arc is well written, but aside from inverting the trope, it doesn't do much. A little more comedy could go a long way here. As it sits, the characters play it just a little too straight.
So this is what Cheerilee's doing with her doctorate...
I'm experiencing literary blueballs, because this story has no resolution, and that upsets me. And it makes it difficult for me to fairly judge this, because it's not a complete story. It's funny, and I like the idea, and I like how distinct the characters are but it's not a complete story. This is the beginning of a story where Horse!Cheerilee helps People!Cheerilee rediscover her passion for teaching. Taken on its own, it's just a conversation between a bitter young woman and her doppelganger that ends poorly.
I'm experiencing literary blueballs, because this story has no resolution, and that upsets me. And it makes it difficult for me to fairly judge this, because it's not a complete story. It's funny, and I like the idea, and I like how distinct the characters are but it's not a complete story. This is the beginning of a story where Horse!Cheerilee helps People!Cheerilee rediscover her passion for teaching. Taken on its own, it's just a conversation between a bitter young woman and her doppelganger that ends poorly.
I like the concept this is pushing, the idea that we trade "fears for tears... at some later time." The execution is a bit rough though. The pacing is a tad odd, as there are clearly three sections, where Twilight presumably walked way and returned later to continue, yet... in letter form, it's difficult to tell how much or how little time may have passed. We also can't see if Twilight's attitude changes between those. It looks like the author overcompensates a bit, getting too "telly" with the emotions as Trick_Question said. Overall, not too bad though, but needs some polish.
...Sparity made Discord? Dragon + Pony = Omnipotent Chaos Spirit?
As much as others are praising this premise, I can't bring myself to; it's too much to ask for me to suspend my disbelief quite that far. Also, the suggestion that everything Discord spawned as a villain came from an ill-advised act of trying to score with Princess Celestia just really diminishes the character to me.
As much as others are praising this premise, I can't bring myself to; it's too much to ask for me to suspend my disbelief quite that far. Also, the suggestion that everything Discord spawned as a villain came from an ill-advised act of trying to score with Princess Celestia just really diminishes the character to me.
I too thought the bad guy was shape shifting, and confused the names (slightly) at the start. It didn't help that Crystal's own name is spelled differently one time as well, making me think the one-letter-off names were more significant than they are. There are several other technical problems that need to be cleaned up as well.
That aside, I wanted to like this one. A pony falling in love with a griffon, after being tortured or some such by another is ripe for story telling. But this story doesn't give us any details on that. We just have a nightmare with some cliche villain language ("wench," "slave," etc.) She wakes up, it's all over... the only item of real interest is that her savior/lover is also a griffon.
So yeah, this idea could really go somewhere, but it founders in the short passage we have at present.
That aside, I wanted to like this one. A pony falling in love with a griffon, after being tortured or some such by another is ripe for story telling. But this story doesn't give us any details on that. We just have a nightmare with some cliche villain language ("wench," "slave," etc.) She wakes up, it's all over... the only item of real interest is that her savior/lover is also a griffon.
So yeah, this idea could really go somewhere, but it founders in the short passage we have at present.
Took me a little while to get the premise of this, but once I understood it, you had me on board. This is a premise that I've seen explored in other fiction that I enjoy (a benevolent occupying force examined from the perspective of the occupied), and while I agree that your motif is overplayed and falls flat, your general execution more than make up for it.
Love it.
Love it.
I laughed, but I also found the general ironical tone heavy-handed. Though "boxed friendship problem" got me to giggle more than anything else I'd read for this prompt so far.
She poured jet-black liquid into a tall mug, watching it steam. This stuff wasn’t too great by itself. Usually she’d toss in about four things of creamer and plenty of sugar. Sometimes ponies who got huffy about dumb things like that accused her of having no taste, but she always countered that this was the only way coffee ever had any taste.
Not today, though. This was not a cream-and-sugar kind of morning.
This was a black kind of morning.
She's never going back, is she?
Maybe that coffee could use some cream after all.
D'oh.
I love it. I love the way you handle Dashie's voice and the way you make her untangle her feelings-knot. It doesn't necessarily "go" anywhere, but then again, I don't think this one really needs to, since it is, at its core, just a character's inner monologue.
And with Dashie, what you see is pretty much what you get, so I can forgive the lack of any twists and turns.
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Shadowed_Song
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Shadowed_Song
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Very well written, and had this been an OC, it would've worked great, leaving us slightly curious as to just what behavior could've been so bad, so mistaken, that rarity would react as she does here at the end. The problem is, this is Blueblood... we know what happened, and so what fails here is any reconciliation between the actions he took the night before, and the attitude he's showing here. If we are to feel sympathetic toward him, we need to see and understand why (from his perspective) his actions were what they were. We need to see that he thought he was being clever when he was really being rude, or that he thought he was taking pride in his station when really he was looking down his nose at others. To have sympathy, we need to see him justify at least some of what he did, not just show the regret afterwards when it didn't yield the results he expected.
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Shadowed_Song
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The timeline doesn't work in my head, if this is Sunset Shimmer anyway. The rest is relatively well done, the other exception being the smell. We need more clues. If it's alcohol, if she's been vomiting due to nerves, if it's just "unwashed stink," or if "smell" is actually code for some empathic instinct as she senses sadness. The story mostly works, but it's just a little too anvilicious.
There's a lot of whimsy to this story. That's pretty cool!
It does leave a lot of unanswered questions, though. Why is it Luna and not Nightmare Moon? Why does Luna specify the stars reaching the proper position "again"; did it already happen? Why is there obscene graffiti on the moon? That said, it wouldn't be whimsy if it explained itself too hard.
*reads reviews* oh, if it's a Moonstuck reference then that explains a lot. I never got too far into it and it was a long time ago, but it does fit with what I remember.
It does leave a lot of unanswered questions, though. Why is it Luna and not Nightmare Moon? Why does Luna specify the stars reaching the proper position "again"; did it already happen? Why is there obscene graffiti on the moon? That said, it wouldn't be whimsy if it explained itself too hard.
*reads reviews* oh, if it's a Moonstuck reference then that explains a lot. I never got too far into it and it was a long time ago, but it does fit with what I remember.
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Shadowed_Song
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Shadowed_Song
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And... someone's getting a wooden spoon methinks! Is there an award for most abstentions? :-/
The author had to know this story would be polarizing. Politics is a minefield at the best of times. So, giving benefit of the doubt, that it's not just a trollfic, I'll say this:
First off, I lean liberal, so this is much easier to stomach than if I was on the other side. I was rather upset by the election, so I can appreciate the need for some kind of "catharsis" in story form.
Secondly, despite what several others said, I think this is satire. Which, and I think this is important to note, does not have to be funny. Some of the best satire isn't funny at all. Swift's "A Modest Proposal" being the prime example of that sort of sad and tragic satire that makes one more likely to cry than laugh. This, I think, tries to do something similar, the big problem is it can't decide if it wants to be funny or not. There're a few "gags" (private dragon, the bit with the legalized salt-licks, etc.) but the overall tone isn't actually funny. Twilight actually seems shocked and upset just a few lines prior. Then there's the whole bit with the Sisters treating democracy as a joke. That could be funny in its own right, but it's just a throwaway line here.
Bottom line, I hope this was cathartic for the author, but as a story, it's just too on the nose to be considered clever, even if you agree politically, too offensive if you don't, and not funny enough to be enjoyed for the humor in either case.
The author had to know this story would be polarizing. Politics is a minefield at the best of times. So, giving benefit of the doubt, that it's not just a trollfic, I'll say this:
First off, I lean liberal, so this is much easier to stomach than if I was on the other side. I was rather upset by the election, so I can appreciate the need for some kind of "catharsis" in story form.
Secondly, despite what several others said, I think this is satire. Which, and I think this is important to note, does not have to be funny. Some of the best satire isn't funny at all. Swift's "A Modest Proposal" being the prime example of that sort of sad and tragic satire that makes one more likely to cry than laugh. This, I think, tries to do something similar, the big problem is it can't decide if it wants to be funny or not. There're a few "gags" (private dragon, the bit with the legalized salt-licks, etc.) but the overall tone isn't actually funny. Twilight actually seems shocked and upset just a few lines prior. Then there's the whole bit with the Sisters treating democracy as a joke. That could be funny in its own right, but it's just a throwaway line here.
Bottom line, I hope this was cathartic for the author, but as a story, it's just too on the nose to be considered clever, even if you agree politically, too offensive if you don't, and not funny enough to be enjoyed for the humor in either case.
Having to look through paste bins to get the entire story took me right of of it. Interesting premis, horrendous execution.
A strong character study, though some of the phrasing and vocabulary choices felt stilted and awkward, making me pause here and there as I read. Celestia's character is also pretty well done, but likewise has a few flaws that seem out of place. She gets too specific with her insults for the populace, rather than hating what she feels inside, it turns outward, with hate towards others a tad too easily, then swings back inwards. I'd suggest the emotional ride needs to be smoother, and less of a see-saw. Still though, a lovely take on something sad and powerful.
This was strange, and I couldn't really wrap my head around it. There's next to no explanation as to the why.
He has to make a wand, and need unicorn hairs. Why? What does virginity have to do with it? How is Rarity calm? What? Why? How? All these questions, and I have no idea what you're trying to get at.
He has to make a wand, and need unicorn hairs. Why? What does virginity have to do with it? How is Rarity calm? What? Why? How? All these questions, and I have no idea what you're trying to get at.
I think it worked. In hindsight, I'm actually surprised I've not read any previous stories addressing this issue. I mean, it was in my headcanon that he'd been tricked and slept with Chrysalis, but I never thought beyond that, as we don't really see the couple for some unknown time after that in canon. This story does a great job exploring the issue I think, though as others pointed out, it's very predictable because of it. So yeah, well written, in-character, etc. but lacks major impact.
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Shadowed_Song
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>>Trick_Question
The 'office' in this case seems to be strictly the role of "making thebeast with two backs two-humped camel", though one could extend it to all aspects of a beloved bride-to-be.
Unfortunately, nearly all the subtext in the referenced material—suspicion, betrayal, importance and duty of marriage, etc.—is not utilized in this story, so 'office' is diluted in meaning. In Othello, when this line is spoken, Iago is conjuring reasons for enacting one of Shakespeare's most evil plots on his superior officer and former friend. The exact line is "I hate the Moor: and it is thought abroad that 'twixt my sheets he has done my office. I know not if it be true: but I, for mere suspicion in that kind, will do as if for surety." Playing into this is Iago's dysfunctional relationship with his wife and his apparent disdain for all women, derogatory references to marriage ("[Casio is] a fellow almost damn'd in a fair wife…", "A thing for me? It is a common thing […T]o have a foolish wife."), and recurring themes of mistrust, suspicion, and duty, especially between Othello and his own wife, Desdemona (to say nothing of class and race boundaries at work there). Here, however, "twixt my sheets my office has been done" serves simply to point to someone else in the sack… wearing another's skin and supposed mind magic is the interesting twist.
Thus, as implied in my earlier comment, the title and its history add little to the work.
Others seem to have largely addressed my thoughts on this work. Adequately written, but does nothing novel with the concepts at play nor has space to reach adequate depth.
>>Xepher
It's deservedly mature-rated, but I offer this as a longer form work that does so, if more obliquely:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/66834/cadence-in-a-minor
But where's this "Office"? Does that mean the "official role of wife" or something?
The 'office' in this case seems to be strictly the role of "making the
Unfortunately, nearly all the subtext in the referenced material—suspicion, betrayal, importance and duty of marriage, etc.—is not utilized in this story, so 'office' is diluted in meaning. In Othello, when this line is spoken, Iago is conjuring reasons for enacting one of Shakespeare's most evil plots on his superior officer and former friend. The exact line is "I hate the Moor: and it is thought abroad that 'twixt my sheets he has done my office. I know not if it be true: but I, for mere suspicion in that kind, will do as if for surety." Playing into this is Iago's dysfunctional relationship with his wife and his apparent disdain for all women, derogatory references to marriage ("[Casio is] a fellow almost damn'd in a fair wife…", "A thing for me? It is a common thing […T]o have a foolish wife."), and recurring themes of mistrust, suspicion, and duty, especially between Othello and his own wife, Desdemona (to say nothing of class and race boundaries at work there). Here, however, "twixt my sheets my office has been done" serves simply to point to someone else in the sack… wearing another's skin and supposed mind magic is the interesting twist.
Thus, as implied in my earlier comment, the title and its history add little to the work.
Others seem to have largely addressed my thoughts on this work. Adequately written, but does nothing novel with the concepts at play nor has space to reach adequate depth.
>>Xepher
I'm actually surprised I've not read any previous stories addressing this issue.
It's deservedly mature-rated, but I offer this as a longer form work that does so, if more obliquely:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/66834/cadence-in-a-minor
Tou had a good set up until Pinkie's line about trixie, then it all went downhill. Things just didn't mesh. It wasn't funny, and it wasn't dramatic. It was just, flat
Technical nitpick... not enough cider to get three kids drunk. It should be applejack (the liquor) they found instead. That'd do the job.
Second, this being AJ's fault ruins it. The adults treat it like the kids are in trouble, even yelling at them, and Rarity saying "so help me..." If it's AJ's fault, none of those three would do what they did. Well, Dash might still yank the curtains open, but no one would be yelling.
I think this could've been a much better character study if done straight up. That is, the CMC intentionally snuck alcohol up to a bedroom and got drunk. Teenagers do this, and it's a perfect coming-of-age trope to approach with the CMC. How everypony reacts reveals a lot about their characters. Rarity might be mad, Dash would probably think it's funny, and AJ would maybe be postponing punishment for later ("She knows what she did.") Or whatever. Instead, it's AJ's fault. The CMC don't learn any real lesson, we see no big reveal about how the older mares handle misbehavior, and... yeah, it kinda falls flat.
Second, this being AJ's fault ruins it. The adults treat it like the kids are in trouble, even yelling at them, and Rarity saying "so help me..." If it's AJ's fault, none of those three would do what they did. Well, Dash might still yank the curtains open, but no one would be yelling.
I think this could've been a much better character study if done straight up. That is, the CMC intentionally snuck alcohol up to a bedroom and got drunk. Teenagers do this, and it's a perfect coming-of-age trope to approach with the CMC. How everypony reacts reveals a lot about their characters. Rarity might be mad, Dash would probably think it's funny, and AJ would maybe be postponing punishment for later ("She knows what she did.") Or whatever. Instead, it's AJ's fault. The CMC don't learn any real lesson, we see no big reveal about how the older mares handle misbehavior, and... yeah, it kinda falls flat.
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Shadowed_Song
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Cute and cuddly, I like. The time travel was too extreme though. Other than that, good!
First off, "What's your sign?" How is the answer not "BAD WOLF!"
Quibble aside, this... didn't really work for me. The timeloop is presented in the wrong order I think. We need to see "You must go home with me, the spacetime continuum depends on it" first. That's the hilarious bit, then an explanation of things that already happened works better, with Berry taking her own desires into account as well.
Written as-is, I find the punchlines land wrong for me, and am still slightly unsure what the doctor's actual goal is in altering his timeline (or maintaining it?)
Quibble aside, this... didn't really work for me. The timeloop is presented in the wrong order I think. We need to see "You must go home with me, the spacetime continuum depends on it" first. That's the hilarious bit, then an explanation of things that already happened works better, with Berry taking her own desires into account as well.
Written as-is, I find the punchlines land wrong for me, and am still slightly unsure what the doctor's actual goal is in altering his timeline (or maintaining it?)
Wierd. Characterization feels so off. Not enough detail to know what's happening, and why.
This made me laugh. Very good characterization and pacing. The twist really made the story
The Great
An interesting take on a, fundamentally, naval gazey story. Solid emotional piece, though.
The Rough
The end, in my opinion, kind of falls apart. I think it works way too hard to force the concept and callbacks to tears.
I'm not sure I buy the unusual punctuation (multi-exclamation marks, etc) and the like from Twilight. Even upset, it seems like she'd be more... formal in her writing?
An interesting take on a, fundamentally, naval gazey story. Solid emotional piece, though.
The Rough
The end, in my opinion, kind of falls apart. I think it works way too hard to force the concept and callbacks to tears.
I'm not sure I buy the unusual punctuation (multi-exclamation marks, etc) and the like from Twilight. Even upset, it seems like she'd be more... formal in her writing?