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Dawn
Crystal Quartz galloped.
She galloped as blood pounded in her ears, pushing herself through the dim light of the alley. A bloodcurdling screech echoed behind her, almost freezing the unicorn in her tracks. Run! Get away! she yelled at herself.
Crystal pushed harder on her hooves, desperate to distance herself from the sound. However, it was to no avail. The pounding steps behind her grew louder and louder, shaking the cobblestones underneath her.
Gerhard was supposed to be here! she thought as tears welled in her eyes. I knew he would…
He wouldn’t abandon me—
”Cyrstal!”
Crystal Quartz almost stumbled, her legs weak at the sound of Gerhard’s voice. However, something felt off with his voice. It sounded faint, its echoed fading away rapidly.
”Gerhard! Where are you?” Crystal screamed.
Come to my voice…
Tried as she would, she could not pinpoint Gerhard’s location. His voice had grown soft, almost indistinct now. No, no, no!
Crystal tumbled into a sprawl as her hoof kicked a loose cobblestone, tears staining her cheeks. Her pursuer roared and leapt, landing in a crouch in front of her, taking the form of an enormous dark griffon. The griffon grinned, his red eyes glinting with malice.
Where do you think you are going, wench?” he said.
Crystal sobbed, her legs curled up against her as the griffon—Gerald—towered over her. Talons gripped her shoulder, digging into her as Gerald’s grin grew larger.
”Did you think you can run away from your new life, slave?”
Gerald raised his claws and swung—
Crystal screamed, flailing her hooves at the claws. It was almost an instant before said claws swatted her hooves away and wrapped around her barrel.
“Let me go!” she yelled, squirming under the firm grip of the griffon talons. Once again, her hooves flailed, a feeble hope in hitting her attacker.
“Crystal!”
Crystal froze. “G-Gerhard?”
The claws squeezed her, a familiar gentle pressure, no longer terrible. “Yes, it is me, Crystal.” It was indeed Gerhard’s voice. Loud and clear.
Crystal’s sobs choked to a stop, leaving only hyperventilating breaths. Her eyes shot open, taking in the feeble light of the early dawn. She was once again in her bed, in her coltfriend’s warm embrace. She said nothing but her hooves fell over his arms, wrapping tightly. Uncontrollably, her body shook.
“Shh, it is merely a nightmare, Crystal,” Gerhard said, lifting a paw and running it through her mane. He bent down and planted a kiss just under her horn. “Gerald can harm you no longer.”
Memories of last night flooded her. The fire. Gerald standing over her, silhouetted, a manic grin on his face. Gerhard plunging the dagger into Gerald’s side…
Crystal closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes, he can’t. Not anymore.”
Gerhard ran his claws through her mane once more.
Sleep retook Crystal Quartz a few minutes later.
She galloped as blood pounded in her ears, pushing herself through the dim light of the alley. A bloodcurdling screech echoed behind her, almost freezing the unicorn in her tracks. Run! Get away! she yelled at herself.
Crystal pushed harder on her hooves, desperate to distance herself from the sound. However, it was to no avail. The pounding steps behind her grew louder and louder, shaking the cobblestones underneath her.
Gerhard was supposed to be here! she thought as tears welled in her eyes. I knew he would…
He wouldn’t abandon me—
”Cyrstal!”
Crystal Quartz almost stumbled, her legs weak at the sound of Gerhard’s voice. However, something felt off with his voice. It sounded faint, its echoed fading away rapidly.
”Gerhard! Where are you?” Crystal screamed.
Come to my voice…
Tried as she would, she could not pinpoint Gerhard’s location. His voice had grown soft, almost indistinct now. No, no, no!
Crystal tumbled into a sprawl as her hoof kicked a loose cobblestone, tears staining her cheeks. Her pursuer roared and leapt, landing in a crouch in front of her, taking the form of an enormous dark griffon. The griffon grinned, his red eyes glinting with malice.
Where do you think you are going, wench?” he said.
Crystal sobbed, her legs curled up against her as the griffon—Gerald—towered over her. Talons gripped her shoulder, digging into her as Gerald’s grin grew larger.
”Did you think you can run away from your new life, slave?”
Gerald raised his claws and swung—
Crystal screamed, flailing her hooves at the claws. It was almost an instant before said claws swatted her hooves away and wrapped around her barrel.
“Let me go!” she yelled, squirming under the firm grip of the griffon talons. Once again, her hooves flailed, a feeble hope in hitting her attacker.
“Crystal!”
Crystal froze. “G-Gerhard?”
The claws squeezed her, a familiar gentle pressure, no longer terrible. “Yes, it is me, Crystal.” It was indeed Gerhard’s voice. Loud and clear.
Crystal’s sobs choked to a stop, leaving only hyperventilating breaths. Her eyes shot open, taking in the feeble light of the early dawn. She was once again in her bed, in her coltfriend’s warm embrace. She said nothing but her hooves fell over his arms, wrapping tightly. Uncontrollably, her body shook.
“Shh, it is merely a nightmare, Crystal,” Gerhard said, lifting a paw and running it through her mane. He bent down and planted a kiss just under her horn. “Gerald can harm you no longer.”
Memories of last night flooded her. The fire. Gerald standing over her, silhouetted, a manic grin on his face. Gerhard plunging the dagger into Gerald’s side…
Crystal closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes, he can’t. Not anymore.”
Gerhard ran his claws through her mane once more.
Sleep retook Crystal Quartz a few minutes later.
Oh, Crystal Quartz. I was wondering why Pinkie’s mother was suddenly a unicorn for a bit there. My bad. :P
The problem with OCs is that we know nothing about them ahead of time. You forfeit one of the most convenient aspects of fan fiction, the preexisting connection between reader and character, and thus must make the former care about the latter. Here, you do a decent job, but I’m still left with numerous questions. What were the circumstances of the memory-dream? What’s the history between these three? How did they meet? What would Gerald have done? What had he already done? I suppose that’s repeating the second question, but the point stands. You’re trying to give me a happy ending without providing enough information to make it satisfying.
Also, you should really consider renaming one of the griffons. Having two very different characters with nearly identical names can prove confusing for the reader.
In all, this will likely be thrilling once expanded, but right now it’s cheating itself of a lot of drama.
The problem with OCs is that we know nothing about them ahead of time. You forfeit one of the most convenient aspects of fan fiction, the preexisting connection between reader and character, and thus must make the former care about the latter. Here, you do a decent job, but I’m still left with numerous questions. What were the circumstances of the memory-dream? What’s the history between these three? How did they meet? What would Gerald have done? What had he already done? I suppose that’s repeating the second question, but the point stands. You’re trying to give me a happy ending without providing enough information to make it satisfying.
Also, you should really consider renaming one of the griffons. Having two very different characters with nearly identical names can prove confusing for the reader.
In all, this will likely be thrilling once expanded, but right now it’s cheating itself of a lot of drama.
I, too, had to go back and give Crystal Quartz's name a second look.
I was getting a very Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde vibe from this one, especially with the similar names, until I got to this line:
At which point, the similar names don't really go anywhere, and we're left with a "two guys, one girl; good guy beats bad guy; good guy gets girl" story. I'm led to think (probably of my own imagination) that they're brothers or otherwise related due to having similar names, but that's just speculation. And that brings up another question. Were you trying to leave room for speculation, or were you attempting to lay out a fully-contained story? Both can be done, and done well at that, but I feel that this story is neither one nor the other. There's not enough motivation to be seen for Gerald (or for Gerhard either, for that matter).
Perhaps the worst problem this fic has is the word limit. This idea has potential, but not with this little information and detail. Give it some room to breathe, and I think you'll see it improve.
P.S. I picked up on the continued griffin alliteration (Gilda, Gabby, Gerald, and Gerhard). Well played.
I was getting a very Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde vibe from this one, especially with the similar names, until I got to this line:
Memories of last night flooded her. ... Gerhard plunging the dagger into Gerald’s side…
At which point, the similar names don't really go anywhere, and we're left with a "two guys, one girl; good guy beats bad guy; good guy gets girl" story. I'm led to think (probably of my own imagination) that they're brothers or otherwise related due to having similar names, but that's just speculation. And that brings up another question. Were you trying to leave room for speculation, or were you attempting to lay out a fully-contained story? Both can be done, and done well at that, but I feel that this story is neither one nor the other. There's not enough motivation to be seen for Gerald (or for Gerhard either, for that matter).
Perhaps the worst problem this fic has is the word limit. This idea has potential, but not with this little information and detail. Give it some room to breathe, and I think you'll see it improve.
P.S. I picked up on the continued griffin alliteration (Gilda, Gabby, Gerald, and Gerhard). Well played.
The name similarities between our two griffons hints at a greater connection, but we don't get one. Disappointing, but not any kind of deal breaker. Your dedication to continued glorious griffon alliteration is commendable, also.
It's interesting to me that Crystal Quartz was in an obviously awful situation at the hands of griffon(s), but still managed to fall in love with one. That speaks to her character in a way that I really appreciate. At least I assume Gerhard is a griffon, too. He has a paw, but is called a "coltfriend." Inter-species nomenclature is tricky :\
A lot of good thematic seeds to explore in here.
It's interesting to me that Crystal Quartz was in an obviously awful situation at the hands of griffon(s), but still managed to fall in love with one. That speaks to her character in a way that I really appreciate. At least I assume Gerhard is a griffon, too. He has a paw, but is called a "coltfriend." Inter-species nomenclature is tricky :\
A lot of good thematic seeds to explore in here.
I didn't actually realize Gerald and Gherard were different names until the plunging dagger line (i.e., the end). I sense you were trying to go for name similarity, but it hindered my reading experience; I had to go back and read through again once I realized Gerald and Gherard were two different characters.
There's a rule of thumb in fiction: when naming characters, don't use the same first letter for two characters' names. It's not a strict rule, or a rule at all, really, but it's a reminder to make characters' names distinguishable and help avoid confusion.
Now, that said, I realize you were probably aiming for the canon Griffin naming convention (all Griffon names start with G in the show). However, if you're going this route, having both that and name similarity makes the names too similar. I'd think something like Gerald and Harold would work better. If the name similarity was accidental though, pick Gerald and Gavin or something.
I'll talk about more than just the names themselves, I promise. It's just something that really confused me the first time reading through.
I'm not sure what the name similarity is supposed to mean in the first place? It's drawing a parallel between the two Griffons, but I'm not sure what sort of parallel that is. All I'm really picking up is that Crystal is afraid of Gerald, Gerald treated her like a slave, Gherard killed Gerald (and fire was somehow involved) and she likes Gherard more. I really don't feel like I have enough context here.
I don't think it's a story-puzzle I'm not getting and I simply need to piece together; there's just not enough pieces, I think. By itself, this story doesn't amount to all that much. I never really know who the characters are, here. I kind of care about them, but not really. It's a decent story, but I think it suffers from the lack of context.
There's a rule of thumb in fiction: when naming characters, don't use the same first letter for two characters' names. It's not a strict rule, or a rule at all, really, but it's a reminder to make characters' names distinguishable and help avoid confusion.
Now, that said, I realize you were probably aiming for the canon Griffin naming convention (all Griffon names start with G in the show). However, if you're going this route, having both that and name similarity makes the names too similar. I'd think something like Gerald and Harold would work better. If the name similarity was accidental though, pick Gerald and Gavin or something.
I'll talk about more than just the names themselves, I promise. It's just something that really confused me the first time reading through.
I'm not sure what the name similarity is supposed to mean in the first place? It's drawing a parallel between the two Griffons, but I'm not sure what sort of parallel that is. All I'm really picking up is that Crystal is afraid of Gerald, Gerald treated her like a slave, Gherard killed Gerald (and fire was somehow involved) and she likes Gherard more. I really don't feel like I have enough context here.
I don't think it's a story-puzzle I'm not getting and I simply need to piece together; there's just not enough pieces, I think. By itself, this story doesn't amount to all that much. I never really know who the characters are, here. I kind of care about them, but not really. It's a decent story, but I think it suffers from the lack of context.
Using italics for everything but the protagonist's thoughts, and using non-italics for her actual thoughts, seems completely backwards and weird. It makes her thoughts seem less important, and it feels like her thoughts should be the focus. Maybe you're doing it to push us into her headspace, but I don't think you need to...
EDIT: Ah! Now I see you're doing it as prep for a transition. Hmm. It actually works pretty well, but I'm not sure if it helps more than hurts. It seems too weird before I hit the transition, and that's distracting.
(Picky stuff: does blood really pound in your ears? I don't get a lot of exercise, but I have good hearing and I can't remember ever hearing my blood. Either way, the blood in her ears probably isn't the thing that is pushing her through the dim light. And if she's running like crazy out of fear, why would she freeze at a screech behind her? Wouldn't that continue to motivate her to run? Too many cliches like "no avail" are a bad thing.)
Okay! Story is finished. Comments:
I agree with other commenters that Gerhard vs. Gerald is super-confusing. It really makes this sound like you're indicating that these are two halves of the same pony (which I still suspect you are), but it isn't clear, and it's confusing. Maybe you opened a dictionary of G-names and decided to choose two in a row?
My main problem: who the hell are these ponies and what is going on and why should I care? It seems fairly clear early on that Gerald is Sombra, and Crystal might be a symbolic representation of the nation of Crystal ponies, but then what does Gerhard represent? I have no idea. There must be a deeper meaning here that's going waaaay over my head. I don't see it. I don't even see what this has to do with ponies.
(Also, a dagger in a magically-shapeshifting griffon's side doesn't sound like it would do much of anything. It's certainly not a finishing blow. Why not his neck?)
My best guess, the only one that makes sense to me, is that King Sombra originally had two selves, sort of like a were-creature; the dagger stabbing is in some way a representation of a critical event; and this is Sombra's wife or lover. That's a crazy effing guess, but it's all I got. I have no idea what is going on in this story and I'm fairly perceptive. I think there's a ton of data in the author's head that didn't make it onto the paper.
(reads other comments, desperate for the slightest clue; also decides to italicize this thought-writing aside rather than italicize the entire review except for this single line) :trollestia:
Ah, I didn't place the G's. That's probably because it doesn't fit the fact that Gerald "took the form of a griffon" (meaning he wasn't actually a griffon!), and Gerhard's claws at the end seem to be a duality reference rather than a griffon hint.
...
Well, alright then. Apparently nopony else has a clue what is going on here in the land of strange fairy-tale OC's. Whatever you're writing, author, either it's completely random and unconnected to MLP, or you're being far too subtle with your allegories. I have to assume it's the latter, and this is an allegory to Sombra's rule, and I'm totally missing the connection between Sombra and the 'hero'.
Verdict: creative, a bit cliche, and wait wat
EDIT: Ah! Now I see you're doing it as prep for a transition. Hmm. It actually works pretty well, but I'm not sure if it helps more than hurts. It seems too weird before I hit the transition, and that's distracting.
(Picky stuff: does blood really pound in your ears? I don't get a lot of exercise, but I have good hearing and I can't remember ever hearing my blood. Either way, the blood in her ears probably isn't the thing that is pushing her through the dim light. And if she's running like crazy out of fear, why would she freeze at a screech behind her? Wouldn't that continue to motivate her to run? Too many cliches like "no avail" are a bad thing.)
Okay! Story is finished. Comments:
I agree with other commenters that Gerhard vs. Gerald is super-confusing. It really makes this sound like you're indicating that these are two halves of the same pony (which I still suspect you are), but it isn't clear, and it's confusing. Maybe you opened a dictionary of G-names and decided to choose two in a row?
My main problem: who the hell are these ponies and what is going on and why should I care? It seems fairly clear early on that Gerald is Sombra, and Crystal might be a symbolic representation of the nation of Crystal ponies, but then what does Gerhard represent? I have no idea. There must be a deeper meaning here that's going waaaay over my head. I don't see it. I don't even see what this has to do with ponies.
(Also, a dagger in a magically-shapeshifting griffon's side doesn't sound like it would do much of anything. It's certainly not a finishing blow. Why not his neck?)
My best guess, the only one that makes sense to me, is that King Sombra originally had two selves, sort of like a were-creature; the dagger stabbing is in some way a representation of a critical event; and this is Sombra's wife or lover. That's a crazy effing guess, but it's all I got. I have no idea what is going on in this story and I'm fairly perceptive. I think there's a ton of data in the author's head that didn't make it onto the paper.
(reads other comments, desperate for the slightest clue; also decides to italicize this thought-writing aside rather than italicize the entire review except for this single line) :trollestia:
Ah, I didn't place the G's. That's probably because it doesn't fit the fact that Gerald "took the form of a griffon" (meaning he wasn't actually a griffon!), and Gerhard's claws at the end seem to be a duality reference rather than a griffon hint.
...
Well, alright then. Apparently nopony else has a clue what is going on here in the land of strange fairy-tale OC's. Whatever you're writing, author, either it's completely random and unconnected to MLP, or you're being far too subtle with your allegories. I have to assume it's the latter, and this is an allegory to Sombra's rule, and I'm totally missing the connection between Sombra and the 'hero'.
Verdict: creative, a bit cliche, and wait wat
>>Trick_Question
I very strongly suspect you're reading too much into the phrase "taking the form of." I think it just an overly theatrical way to say a figure emerged from the shadows rather than some protean entity briefly assuming a stable shape. The rest of the story supports it just being a memory-nightmare followed by waking up after the italicized events passed.
I very strongly suspect you're reading too much into the phrase "taking the form of." I think it just an overly theatrical way to say a figure emerged from the shadows rather than some protean entity briefly assuming a stable shape. The rest of the story supports it just being a memory-nightmare followed by waking up after the italicized events passed.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Ah, I see what you mean.
But given the preternatural descriptions of sounds behind her then suddenly in front of her and dark fog, I don't think my interpretation is a stretch. I seriously thought this was dark fog turning into a griffon shape.
Ah, I see what you mean.
But given the preternatural descriptions of sounds behind her then suddenly in front of her and dark fog, I don't think my interpretation is a stretch. I seriously thought this was dark fog turning into a griffon shape.
I too thought the bad guy was shape shifting, and confused the names (slightly) at the start. It didn't help that Crystal's own name is spelled differently one time as well, making me think the one-letter-off names were more significant than they are. There are several other technical problems that need to be cleaned up as well.
That aside, I wanted to like this one. A pony falling in love with a griffon, after being tortured or some such by another is ripe for story telling. But this story doesn't give us any details on that. We just have a nightmare with some cliche villain language ("wench," "slave," etc.) She wakes up, it's all over... the only item of real interest is that her savior/lover is also a griffon.
So yeah, this idea could really go somewhere, but it founders in the short passage we have at present.
That aside, I wanted to like this one. A pony falling in love with a griffon, after being tortured or some such by another is ripe for story telling. But this story doesn't give us any details on that. We just have a nightmare with some cliche villain language ("wench," "slave," etc.) She wakes up, it's all over... the only item of real interest is that her savior/lover is also a griffon.
So yeah, this idea could really go somewhere, but it founders in the short passage we have at present.
Dawn
Hey! It's been a while since I've entered a writeoff. Sorry for the late reflection post, I was away in Vietnam over the weekend and Monday. =x
So yes, I wrote Dawn. One version of the First Draft of the First Draft of a vignette (more like a scene, actually) the morning after the rescue of Crystal Quartz by her boyfriend. Well, it's actually a part of a much larger OC Romance story that I'm still writing for my Anthology of Chaos and Harmony. Clocking at 476 words, it definitely needed another writing pass before submission but it's the writeoff, I don't get enough inspiration unless it's 3 hours from the submission deadline and grasping for ideas. That and my other idea was a cringe comedy involving a human and Princess Celestia the morning after a one-night stand where Celestia insists that she is a human named "Sarah Personson". :trollestia:
Getting back into writing after a few months wasn't making it easy either.
Serious spoilers for the entire plot after this:
Read at your own risk. =P
Warning: Contains copious Tom Clancy tropes.
The plot ignores Griffonstone onwards as this was formulated way back in Season 3.
Crystal Quartz was a maid working in Canterlot Castle and Gerhard (originally named Erhard) was a clerk/dispatcher working in the Griffon Embassy. She fell in love with him after he saved her from a fall from a tower. That in itself isn't remarkable—interspecies couples aren't exactly unknown in Equestria. But the incident caused problems. Gerhard was the son of a prominent general back home and due to the lag in communications—Equestria and United Griffon Kingdoms (UGK) were separated by an ocean—a rival general twists the facts of the incident in an attempt to discredit his father.
When Princess Celestia transfers Crystal Quartz to be her personal handmaiden, the rival general had her kidnapped by a band of mercenaries/terrorists led by Gerald. He also issues Gerhard a race against time to save Crystal. Eventually, the rival general would have Crystal brought to the UGK to implicate Gerhard's father in an "unauthorized intelligence operation for 'personal' glory" scheme. Fortunately, Crystal was saved by Gerhard with the help of a Counter-Intelligence Officer of the Equestrian Royal Intelligence Service by the name of Whisper Wind, who was assigned to "watch over" Crystal for this very scenario. This entry takes place the morning after this rescue.
Gerhard and Gerald weren't brothers or even rivals of Crystal's affections. Gerald called Crystal a "wench" and a "slave" as a method of terrorizing her. He had plans of selling her to sexual slavery after her interrogation by the general, so calling her a slave wasn't out of the norm for him. Gerald wasn't a pleasant guy.
I really need to finish this story. =P
Gerald's name was a big problem. I pronounced Gerhard and Gerald differently: Gerhard with a hard G and Gerald with a soft G, so reading them wasn't that problematic for me. But I forgot other people probably didn't pronounce it the same way as I do. x.x
I was in a mood to update my story canon to Season 6 standards and that meant "G's for Griffons"... I should probably go back to my old naming scheme. =P
>>FanOfMostEverything
That was a big problem with the entry, I needed a rewrite but I also had only 5 mins left for the deadline. =x
>>007Ben
>>Rao
>>FrontSevens
Because there really isn't any connections between the names. I thought the names were different enough to pass but it didn't. =P
At only 476 words, I missed out a number of things, stated in the spoilers above.
>>Trick_Question
It does for me but usually when I had a migraine or maybe when I'm sick. It's more of an unpleasant sensation than hearing.
I messed up my descriptions again. x.x
Like FoME said, you read too much into the whole thing. =x
Gerhard saved Crystal, she had a night terror and Gerhard comforted her in the morning.
Certainly! The entry's only 476 words long. =(
See the spoilers for more details. :3
>>Xepher
That was a typo I missed before submission.
Are there examples you can list?
I'm happy you guys liked the premise, watch out for the complete story coming out in the future!
Thanks for all the reviews!
Hey! It's been a while since I've entered a writeoff. Sorry for the late reflection post, I was away in Vietnam over the weekend and Monday. =x
So yes, I wrote Dawn. One version of the First Draft of the First Draft of a vignette (more like a scene, actually) the morning after the rescue of Crystal Quartz by her boyfriend. Well, it's actually a part of a much larger OC Romance story that I'm still writing for my Anthology of Chaos and Harmony. Clocking at 476 words, it definitely needed another writing pass before submission but it's the writeoff, I don't get enough inspiration unless it's 3 hours from the submission deadline and grasping for ideas. That and my other idea was a cringe comedy involving a human and Princess Celestia the morning after a one-night stand where Celestia insists that she is a human named "Sarah Personson". :trollestia:
Getting back into writing after a few months wasn't making it easy either.
Serious spoilers for the entire plot after this:
Read at your own risk. =P
Warning: Contains copious Tom Clancy tropes.
The plot ignores Griffonstone onwards as this was formulated way back in Season 3.
Crystal Quartz was a maid working in Canterlot Castle and Gerhard (originally named Erhard) was a clerk/dispatcher working in the Griffon Embassy. She fell in love with him after he saved her from a fall from a tower. That in itself isn't remarkable—interspecies couples aren't exactly unknown in Equestria. But the incident caused problems. Gerhard was the son of a prominent general back home and due to the lag in communications—Equestria and United Griffon Kingdoms (UGK) were separated by an ocean—a rival general twists the facts of the incident in an attempt to discredit his father.
When Princess Celestia transfers Crystal Quartz to be her personal handmaiden, the rival general had her kidnapped by a band of mercenaries/terrorists led by Gerald. He also issues Gerhard a race against time to save Crystal. Eventually, the rival general would have Crystal brought to the UGK to implicate Gerhard's father in an "unauthorized intelligence operation for 'personal' glory" scheme. Fortunately, Crystal was saved by Gerhard with the help of a Counter-Intelligence Officer of the Equestrian Royal Intelligence Service by the name of Whisper Wind, who was assigned to "watch over" Crystal for this very scenario. This entry takes place the morning after this rescue.
Gerhard and Gerald weren't brothers or even rivals of Crystal's affections. Gerald called Crystal a "wench" and a "slave" as a method of terrorizing her. He had plans of selling her to sexual slavery after her interrogation by the general, so calling her a slave wasn't out of the norm for him. Gerald wasn't a pleasant guy.
I really need to finish this story. =P
Gerald's name was a big problem. I pronounced Gerhard and Gerald differently: Gerhard with a hard G and Gerald with a soft G, so reading them wasn't that problematic for me. But I forgot other people probably didn't pronounce it the same way as I do. x.x
I was in a mood to update my story canon to Season 6 standards and that meant "G's for Griffons"... I should probably go back to my old naming scheme. =P
>>FanOfMostEverything
The problem with OCs is that we know nothing about them ahead of time. You forfeit one of the most convenient aspects of fan fiction, the preexisting connection between reader and character, and thus must make the former care about the latter.
That was a big problem with the entry, I needed a rewrite but I also had only 5 mins left for the deadline. =x
Also, you should really consider renaming one of the griffons. Having two very different characters with nearly identical names can prove confusing for the reader.
>>007Ben
At which point, the similar names don't really go anywhere ...
>>Rao
The name similarities between our two griffons hints at a greater connection, but we don't get one.
>>FrontSevens
I'm not sure what the name similarity is supposed to mean in the first place? It's drawing a parallel between the two Griffons, but I'm not sure what sort of parallel that is.
Because there really isn't any connections between the names. I thought the names were different enough to pass but it didn't. =P
I don't think it's a story-puzzle I'm not getting and I simply need to piece together; there's just not enough pieces, I think.
At only 476 words, I missed out a number of things, stated in the spoilers above.
>>Trick_Question
Picky stuff: does blood really pound in your ears? I don't get a lot of exercise, but I have good hearing and I can't remember ever hearing my blood.
It does for me but usually when I had a migraine or maybe when I'm sick. It's more of an unpleasant sensation than hearing.
I messed up my descriptions again. x.x
My main problem: who the hell are these ponies and what is going on and why should I care? It seems fairly clear early on that Gerald is Sombra, and Crystal might be a symbolic representation of the nation of Crystal ponies, but then what does Gerhard represent? I have no idea. There must be a deeper meaning here that's going waaaay over my head. I don't see it. I don't even see what this has to do with ponies.
Like FoME said, you read too much into the whole thing. =x
Gerhard saved Crystal, she had a night terror and Gerhard comforted her in the morning.
I think there's a ton of data in the author's head that didn't make it onto the paper.
Certainly! The entry's only 476 words long. =(
See the spoilers for more details. :3
>>Xepher
It didn't help that Crystal's own name is spelled differently one time as well, making me think the one-letter-off names were more significant than they are.
That was a typo I missed before submission.
There are several other technical problems that need to be cleaned up as well.
Are there examples you can list?
I'm happy you guys liked the premise, watch out for the complete story coming out in the future!
Thanks for all the reviews!
>>M1Garand8
I don't think you should eschew canon, because the G names were the one hint we had that these were griffons.
More directly, the first letter was not the problem. The problem is they were both spelled "Ger--a--d", and differed only by one-and-a-half letters. They were extremely similar names. It would actually be hard to come up with names more similar than those two. This suggested to those of us who like to overthink things that the names were intended to be seen as two aspects of the same character.
You might try something like Gerald or Grady or Gunther or Glen or Gallant or Gianni: all of those are different. The two names you chose were distinct in your mind, but they were so near in appearance that several readers didn't even notice it was a different name on the first read. (I actually had to correct my review because I used the wrong name in one place, derp.)
I was in a mood to update my story canon to Season 6 standards and that meant "G's for Griffons"... I should probably go back to my old naming scheme. =P
I don't think you should eschew canon, because the G names were the one hint we had that these were griffons.
More directly, the first letter was not the problem. The problem is they were both spelled "Ger--a--d", and differed only by one-and-a-half letters. They were extremely similar names. It would actually be hard to come up with names more similar than those two. This suggested to those of us who like to overthink things that the names were intended to be seen as two aspects of the same character.
You might try something like Gerald or Grady or Gunther or Glen or Gallant or Gianni: all of those are different. The two names you chose were distinct in your mind, but they were so near in appearance that several readers didn't even notice it was a different name on the first read. (I actually had to correct my review because I used the wrong name in one place, derp.)