I can’t help but like this idea, given that I’ve written something very similar. (Note: I have very definitely not written this story.) Really, the worst thing I can say about it is an unfortunate typo in the last sentence. There’s some gender confusion in the pronouns, but that’s to be expected given the context. In all, a very fun little vignette. Thank you for it

Ooh, a human ponidox. You have my interest.

This is a very intriguing premise, but sadly, it’s only the beginning of a larger story. I do look forward to reading that—pony Cheerilee’s blend of wisdom and naivete is enjoyably novel, and her human counterpart clearly has a lot to learn—but right now, all I have is a preview.

That being said, depending on when this takes place in the EqG timeline, human Cheerilee’s skepticism feels deeply arbitrary. Any faculty member at Canterlot High is going to be hard-pressed to not believe in magic horse people after everything that’s happened there. Establish when and why a bit more concretely in the expanded version and you’ll fix that issue.

The concept is nice and the conflict is quite appropriate for the involved characters. The resolution feels in line with the show and it makes sense.

My problem with it is that it feels a bit too didascalic. We have a moral lesson and we have a couple of interactions between characters here which never evolve enough. The word limit is a harsh mistress, and the structure you have chosen here is very difficult to pull through in such a limited space.

With four scenes you don't have room to breathe, and it makes everything feel a bit stilted.

That said, if you expand it after the round I can see that it can become a quite nice tale of self-discovery.

Oh, Crystal Quartz. I was wondering why Pinkie’s mother was suddenly a unicorn for a bit there. My bad. :P

The problem with OCs is that we know nothing about them ahead of time. You forfeit one of the most convenient aspects of fan fiction, the preexisting connection between reader and character, and thus must make the former care about the latter. Here, you do a decent job, but I’m still left with numerous questions. What were the circumstances of the memory-dream? What’s the history between these three? How did they meet? What would Gerald have done? What had he already done? I suppose that’s repeating the second question, but the point stands. You’re trying to give me a happy ending without providing enough information to make it satisfying.

Also, you should really consider renaming one of the griffons. Having two very different characters with nearly identical names can prove confusing for the reader.

In all, this will likely be thrilling once expanded, but right now it’s cheating itself of a lot of drama.

Let me see…
Yup, Shakespeare reference, Iago thinking Othello slept with Emilia. Of course, the gender swap implies a woman suspecting another of sleeping with her husband. Let’s see where this goes…

Ohhhh. That explains things.

A very believable, respectful way of handling a bit of fridge logic regarding the royal couple. Well done all around.

The word choice here added quite a bit to the story, which is the third one to delve into the thought process of characters with various degrees of villainess to them. I suppose the prompt was quite apt for such kinds of musings.

Anyway, while there hardly was something new or surprising on the content side, it delivered what it had very well. I felt the writing was quite solid, the choice to intermingle the two threads of consciousness worked and, as i said at the beginning, the voice was particularly strong thanks to the words used.

The last line specifically was splendid. Nice work.

Something about this seemed kind of cheesy. Part of it was the pacing towards the beginning and Thorax's somewhat cheesy "forgiveness" comments that made it feel that way, though the pacing is probably a result of the word limit. It being all a dream does make it somewhat better--I was afraid this story was the villian getting their comeuppance and nothing else, and I'm glad it's not that (and also I'm glad Thorax didn't actually die [totally not changeling-biased >.>])--but I dunno, there's something stilted about the whole thing, I feel, and it's hard for me to articulate why.

I do like the idea, though; Luna conjuring nightmares to show Chrysalis what could happen if she follows through, and also giving her a way out if she so chooses. Like the concept, but the execution needs some work, methinks. Works for a short story, at least. ^^

Yeah, given the way she calls Dr. Whooves' antics a pick-up line, you'd think she'd just accuse him of setting up a scenario with an identical twin brother to increase the chances of his getting laid.

The audacity of it might convince her to sleep with him, though...

I think the focus of this story was on the narrative. There's not much in terms of plot or character. It's several descriptions of pets in Equestria as they are before everyone else wakes up. Maybe it could've worked if there was something to tie everything together, but I don't think there is.

The narrative is obtrusive, as already pointed out. I don't think leaving out articles makes it sound poetic. Maybe it can--I'm no expert in poetry--but it did make the narrative obtrusive.

The words are also sometimes too rich for me, I think. Having too many flowery words in a row makes it somewhat hard to digest, at least for me. Didn't happen often, but I think this paired with the obtrusive narrative didn't help.

Overall, it just feels like a story trying to point out meaning where there isn't really any meaning, imo.

BA-DUM TSH.

I appreciate what you were going for, but this one wasn't really doing anything for me. A lot of the comedy fell flat, and some of the jokes just didn't even register with me.

“Oooh!” Pinkie offered. “We could find Trixie, and then when Twilight tries to say her wings are ugly, Trixie could say ‘no, your wings are beautiful!’”

Everypony looked at Pinkie for a moment. Then, by mutual consent, they all turned back to Rarity.

Like this. I don't get it. Maybe that's the point, or maybe it's a reference to something I don't recognize, but either way, I can't laugh at a joke I don't understand. Maybe the joke is that the others didn't get it either, and in that case, I guess that's... kind of funny?

But I'm sorry, I didn't feel this one at all.

*patpat*

A nice little slice-of-life about salt-of-the-earth everymenhorses reacting to events outside their understanding or ability to influence. And you used the word "reckon" a bunch of times. Always a plus.

Some really good descriptions and exchanges of dialogue. And this bit right here?

"Hypothetically," Pecan said. "If it didn't—it will, o' course, but if it didn't—I reckon the Royal Guard might need some good, strong earth pony volunteers."

Pistachio frowned. "Hypothetically," he said, "if it didn't, yer military career would last exactly as long as it takes to charge at a lunatic alicorn."

"Proclamation says we ain't supposed to say that word," Pecan said, with a note of acid at the edge of his tone.

"Well, we're speakin' hypothetically," Pistachio said. "If the sun didn't rise, I reckon that's what she'd be. But it will, so she ain't."

Pecan thought for a bit. "True."

You can't see me, but I'm doing that thing that Italian chefs do where they kiss their fingers because something is tasty. I love that little wordplay you slipped in there.

Echoing what FoME said here, but this is nice, enjoyable story. It's a fun read, and while there was a typo or two, and a few cases of misphrasing, it still didn't detract from the overall story.

I disagree with the word limit qualm. I agree that the potential is under untilized because of the word limit, but most stories here are. But for what this story is, and how it's done, I quite like it. I think the ending could have been better; I like the one liner, but I'm not sure how much I like that one liner in particular.

Overall, well-written, well-paced and put a goofy grin on my face. Great work!

The Great

Good concept. The morning after from a different perspective.

Very solid emotions on Celestia's half.

The Rough

I'm actually unsure as to what the scent is supposed to be. I sort of assume alcohol, but I'm not fully convinced that all the evidence adds up to that? Ultimately, even if it was, I'm not sure it adds up to much. I'd recommend trimming it.

The nopony ever mentioned that day again is a bit weird. While I can see Celestia avoiding it, Twilight doesn't seem like the sort who would let it lie forever.

It was dark and smokey, and the transition from sunlight left him momentarily blind.

Chiaroscuro

Heh.

Whilst the story is well written, it fell a little flat to me. The emotional beats of the story are supposed to fall around the implication that Chiaroscuro himself used to mess around with his father’s razors as his father described, but the implication carries too little emotional weight; the scene would work better in a larger work, where you have more time to develop emotional investment with the persona prior to this scene.

Unfortunately, the story as it stands doesn’t quite develop enough of a connection for its twist to have much of an impact. Which is unfortunate - as it was an otherwise well-written scene.

I'll get the criticism out of the way. Crit-i-cism. One, singular. Shining Armor cried too fast, but honestly, I don't mind that, so, so much for "criticism."

This was a great fic. The story had me hooked from the first paragraph (because I'm a Shining X Cadance sucker :V) and from there it didn't disappoint. It wasn't extrodinary, no, but it was nice, realistic, and sweet. Shinin's pain was real, Cadance's concern was real, and the product is a short, sweet, very real and well-written fic. I'm not a fan of the whole... um Shining and Chrysalis rape heacanon thing but this fic did it well enough that it didn't distract from the narrative as a whole. Kudos to the author. Nice job.

Am I alone in thinking this would have ended more powerfully without the last two paragraphs?

I like the concept behind this (Emotionally Vulnerable Celestia confiding in Twilight after Sunset Shimmer vanishes), but a few elements of the execution could use tweaking. I think it's implied that Celestia's drunk; she's got that mystery odor hanging around her (alternatively, she's just been masturbating a whole lot, which, depending on your interpretation of Celly's character...), and it makes sense that Twiley wouldn't be able to place that. Make it a little less ambiguous, though. Maybe describe the scent hanging off of her a little bit more. Sterile, and acrid, and medicine-y, makes her nose wrinkle. Maybe add Twilight stumbling over a glass bottle or two in the darkness.

I'd also cut out (or at least soften) Celestia's little outburst halfway through.

Oooh. I can't say much about this one, because I felt it went a little over my head, so I couldn't fully appreciate this. However, the tone of this fic was perfect. The tone, the mood and the relationship of Luna and Nightmare Moon was mysterious, and dark, and oh I just loved it! The word choice added more flavor, almost too much, but not so much that it took away from the fic. And the prose allowed the voice of both characters to really take form and shine. Plus, this fic has a bangin' title. Great job!

One of the greatest challenges of the minific round is trying to compress an entire story into a terribly small space. Unfortunately, this story aimed too high; it could easily have been lengthened to a Short Story round entry, and would've been quite a good story in that environment.

To echo Kettle - the story suffocates from lack of space, and whilst the ideas are interesting, they don't have the necessary room to be organically explored; this has the side effect of leaving some of the voicing feeling off, Twilight's especially; the dialogue has lost personal ticks and such, and becomes overly expositionry.

Genre: Horror? I think?

Thoughts: Yes, the prose here is thick enough to stop bullets, but I think I'm picking up on something dark and sinister moving underneath the surface. Something bad has happened, and we're left with the sudden confusion of the pets to give us clues about what that was. The thing at the end should have done more to give us stronger hints, IMO, and of course the big problem is that this is all setup with no resolution. But while this definitely needs some polish and a proper wrap up, I think it does a good job of conveying a mood and making me want more.

Tier: Needs Work

>>M1Garand8

Text has been decrypted; Pastebin links are on the chat channel.

A creepy tale, and I suppose that it’s not meant for the average reader anyway so I won’t criticize it for being obfuscated. I appreciated the challenge required to unwrap the puzzle.

The substance here is much better than the form, actually - the mysterious, perhaps permanent, mass vanishing with only the subtlest hint of a grim explanation (Luna screwing up with a black magic spell?), and especially the touching reactions of the abandoned pets.

If the language was fixed, this might be a very satisfying story.

Very nicely done, author. The voicing was consistent and on point, the pacing was good, and the characters came across well. And you have some lovely prose. And, well:

Just when I thought She would smite me for my impertinence, She erupted in belly-laughs.

It was worth reading for lines like that alone. Thank you for writing this; it was a pleasure to read.

A nice little scene:

But I'd like some indication of "why here?" and "why now?" Is it Dash's birthday? The anniversary of one of her major accomplishments? Violet can know because she's a fan. And maybe Violet's really screwed up in training, or maybe she's just gotten the #4 assignment in the next show, a support position that she was expecting even though she'd really been hoping to get one of the flashier roles. Just make this conversation as fraught with implications for both ponies as you can, author--increase the stakes even though it's just a couple ponies sitting around talking--and you'll deepen the whole thing.

Mike

Um... I'll hit a few positives.

> Very pretty writing, loved the description
> Loved the word choice; it felt just right, and in these mini-fics I've found that matters a lot.
> This fic plays with the emotions of the characters very well.

Now.. the not-so-positives.

Um... what is this? No, seriously, Andrew Rogue hits it on the head. I'm not sure what this scene is supposed to be, and I'm sure Andrew and myself aren't the only ones thinking that. This story... the first... half of it didn't even matter then the part that I assume was supposed to matter ended up not mattering to me because I had no idea what was happening. Celestia snapped at Twilight because why? And she was sick how? And it's all okay, and what?

Then Posh mentioned if the last two paragraphs were missing this story would have been more powerful. I'm inclined to agree, but due to the fact I thought the last two paragrahs just muddled up the fic more than it already was. It just added more questions and didn't answer the ones I alreay had.

Unfortunately, I have to put this at the bottom of my slate right now (it's okay, I've only rated three other stories), because i'm just clueless as to what the meat and potatoes to this fic is supposed to be. I feel like this fic could be really good if it underwent some clean-up, and the author wasn't constrained by a word count, but as of now this one sits as conusion, and a pile of questions with no answers.

I think I'll disagree with the two commentors above me (sorry, guys). I don't think the word limit was too constricting on this fic. Could this have been better if it were a short story? Of course it would have! But then again 80% - 90% of the minifics submitted could have worked better as a short story. I try not to judge a story based off of "what it could have been" or "missed opportunites" and I try to stick to what actually is there. And for this story and what's in this story, it's solid. It's not great, but it's far from bad.

The main problem in the story feels like one Starlight would have the morning after, and I mean the morning after they defeated Chrysalis in the finale. So, points for a realistic problem. Was Starlight's reaction to open up like a spring flower on the spot super-realistic? No. But word count. I did say I'm not deducting from this fic for word count, and I stand by that, but I did also say 80% - 90% of minifics would benefit if they were short stories, and even if it's only minorly.

The moral for this story was strong, but here's the thing. When I was done reading this story, I was thought to myself: "hey, what a great moral!" But... I found myself wondering why since the story wasn't all that spectacular, 11/10, would read again and again and again.

Then ol' beautiful bastard Kettle came up with my word of the day: "Didascalic." Basically, what the five cent word means is: "intended to teach." See, this whole story was intended to teach a moral. And while it's a good moral, that's all the story is: a moral. There's not too much else to it besides some nifty dialogue.

Overall, I give this six and a half Trixie Hats out of ten. It's solid work, and most importantly, I enjoyed it. And it made me feel warm inside. Good work!

Wonderful descriptions, the scenes were vibrant and alive. I kinda feel envious.

The story itself seems to be a snippet of something larger, and while I like it when things are simply implied, in this case we missed really too much to make sense of everything, or even to understand the change that happened in the characters.

Ok, I crave for more now, but leaving me with the knowledge I can't have it is a bit cruel.

I feel like this is modeled off of something. If not then at least Chiaroscuro's character is. Hm... this is going to bug me.

Right. Story. It was a little too vague for me to get behind. Imagine a canapy. Imagine it's pouring down rain. Imagine this story is under the canapy, and the center of the story is out in the middle of the rain. Several times, this story sticks its foot in the rain, and even takes a few steps out, but it seems to retreat and nothing really gets established.

I don't know this fic just doesn't do a whole lot to me.

I got the overarching metaphor, I think. But even with me getting it, this fic just didn't go anywhere for me.

This fic isn't bad. It just didn't work for me, unfortunately. Good work though, and i'd love to read this after some revisions!

I was briefly tempted to write my review using your cipher, but only briefly, because doing so would be making the same mistake the story does.

Let's start with good things. You set the mood quickly and effectively, and establish tension immediately. You manage to do exposition in a non-telly manner. The ciphering is very smart. The story is engrossing. The gimmicky parts are clever. The writing is consistently good.

Now, some critique.

The largest problem here is that this is a puzzle first and a story second. Also, the puzzle is hard/esoteric enough that it is completely inaccessible to most of your readers (trust my intuition on this). I can guarantee that most ponies who see this page are going to be frustrated and will want to see a decrypted version, so they can actually get to read the story and see what happens.

Even if you had made this an obvious puzzle, turning the story into a puzzle forces the reader to solve the puzzle before they are permitted to read the story. Even those of us who stand a chance at solving the puzzle aren't going to want to invest the time needed to do so, when we have 49 other fics left to read. You're right to limit something like this to minific length, but you're still asking for a substantial time investment just so we can read the second-half of a tiny story.

Let me be direct: you're a good writer. You don't need to rely on a gimmick like this to make your story interesting and worth reading. It was interesting already. Even though the gimmick fits perfectly into the story you're telling and its meaning and message, the cipher's inclusion doesn't add anything to the story. It overshadows the tale, which detracts from it.

I might have been okay with something very simple, like backwards-written text that goes from top to bottom. But even there it wouldn't be adding anything to the story.

I think I can relate to what you're doing here, to an extent. I wrote something very similar in tone to this as part of my only Writeoff-winning fic. In it, there was a cipher introduced, which became relevant later in the story, for reasons nearly-identical to the ones in your story. (It didn't become relevant later in the original Writeoff entry, but it was expanded upon in the expanded version published on Fimfiction.) But here's the important part. Although I described the cipher in detail, I never put it any images or plaintext of it directly into the story for the audience to see or read. The cipher was important to the plot, but I didn't include it because it would have distracted the reader from the story. It would have been a clever and gimmicky way to enhance the mood, but that doesn't make it worth the cost of inclusion.

If I'd written your story, I would have used no cipher at all. I would have implied the existence of a thought-related cipher, maybe in a way that made the protagonist's descriptions increasingly abstract and fanciful... which might slow down the reader a little, but not prevent them from actually reading the story.

I have a good guess at who you are because you are smart enough to write this, but silly enough to think hardly anypony else would read it. (I no longer partake in author guessing for reasons I've stated previously.)

As a minor aside, I was confused by the "world covers the table" description, because you dip into abstraction when the protagonist is gaining their bearings. Give the audience the same imagery that the protagonist sees, and allow us to come to our own poetic-or-not conclusions.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Pastebin links should be here, with the story.

>>Trick_Question
Here they are (none of them decoded by me, credit goes to Chryssi, GroaningGreyAgony, and Listic):

http://pastebin.com/BV4yycz6 (topmost section)
http://pastebin.com/KUcdym17 (middle section)
http://pastebin.com/wVgxEvY9 (bottom section)

I, too, had to go back and give Crystal Quartz's name a second look.

I was getting a very Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde vibe from this one, especially with the similar names, until I got to this line:

Memories of last night flooded her. ... Gerhard plunging the dagger into Gerald’s side…

At which point, the similar names don't really go anywhere, and we're left with a "two guys, one girl; good guy beats bad guy; good guy gets girl" story. I'm led to think (probably of my own imagination) that they're brothers or otherwise related due to having similar names, but that's just speculation. And that brings up another question. Were you trying to leave room for speculation, or were you attempting to lay out a fully-contained story? Both can be done, and done well at that, but I feel that this story is neither one nor the other. There's not enough motivation to be seen for Gerald (or for Gerhard either, for that matter).

Perhaps the worst problem this fic has is the word limit. This idea has potential, but not with this little information and detail. Give it some room to breathe, and I think you'll see it improve.



P.S. I picked up on the continued griffin alliteration (Gilda, Gabby, Gerald, and Gerhard). Well played.

Nice, self-contained character piece. You got the personality right, you used the available space well and the story flowed smoothly.

Nothing much to say aside from good job.

Initially I read this as unprotected incest followed by an unrelated bit of kidnapped foalcon. :facehoof: I had to read it a couple of times to realize that the premise was 'drunk adoption'. This doesn't make much sense (to me) because I cannot imagine that an adoption agency would let a drunk mare sign forms to adopt a foal. That kind of process is not a snap-decision thing in general, because there's a responsibility on the part of the company to ensure the foal's welfare.

There are a few grammatical issues, but I think the biggest writing problem is telly exposition through the conversation of the adults:

"To be fair, you are amazing. The best stylist in Canterlot!"

By itself a quote like this is fine, but there's a little too much conversation which attempts to establish backstory for the characters. It feels forced and unnatural, especially since it isn't relevant to the story. Similarly, it seems like you are looking for excuses to describe the characters' mane and coat colors. It's not automatically bad to put those in, but they're not essential to the plot. This story isn't about what the characters look like or where they go to work.

It takes a while to get used to this, but even in long fiction, you aren't required to paint the image for the viewer with such precision that they see exactly what you do. You should learn to grow comfortable with allowing the reader come to their own conclusions about details that aren't relevant, when the story isn't about those details. This is one of the biggest differences between written media and visual media.

The point of this story is that it's a slice-of-life with a small twist: drunk, unprotected sex was actually drunk adoption. I think the scene as you write it is cute and pleasant, and I don't take issue with the message. However, this story would have been more interesting to me if the twist had been more than a gimmick: something that really reframes how the reader sees the story. Something that would have added another level to the story for me would be if you'd simply changed "Mom" to "Dad" at the end. Then the story gains a message and feels without losing any of its heart.

Granted, I assume you feel "there's nothing wrong with that" when I make that suggestion, but even if you don't, you see the idea I'm getting at: if you want to insert a twist, make it have relevance to the reader. Then it adds something to what you're saying.

Cute and fun.

The voices were right, the dialogue worked well and Glim's immediate reaching for the nuclear option felt spot on.

The last part feels a bit weaker and things seem simply happen. While I'm alright the development, it is a bit sudden and "undramatic" in respect to the previous escalation.

For the rest, I enjoyed this.

Author:

I hazard that you went to write a poem; then missed the mark yet scorned to set vers libre, and did deregiment the work to prose. Perhaps I but reveal my ignorance; still I commend your virtuosity. Command of meter sparkles in your lines, and charms the ear with its felicity, and bears a very vital moral lesson.

I cannot hang firm name on the narrator. Is it the Nightmare, tamed by Harmony? Perhaps her pet Tiberius, standing watch? The last I speak in jest, as you can tell.

At any rate, my pleasure is sincere. I gladly rank your work in the top tier.

I (as with the first reviewer) picked up on the "word" you meant. It was cute, though it's hard for me to imagine the proclamation actually mentioning it. Also, I suspect a few readers may miss the intended word and think you meant alicorn instead.

The farmers seem overly-nervous, even though that's the intended tone, and it's set very well. I felt the story here was strong and well-written overall. I don't buy the rooster being confused like this, though. In both real life and show canon, the Sun rises at a different time each day (the Summer Sun celebration is on the Solstice, when it rises earliest). The farmer should have been nervously referencing an almanac.

I was a little disappointed that this story circles around a topic it never actually breaches: how seriously important the princesses' jobs are in keeping their subjects calm. I think reflection on the part of the princesses and the stress of their duties would make for a more compelling (emotionally) approach to this subject. If I'd written this story, I'd probably have done it in two parts: first from the farmers' side, then from the princesses'.

The purple prose of this fic really kept it from completing itself. I share some of the same questions as Judge Deadd like: why is Sweetie upset? How old are the CMC? Old enough to be independent, but still young enough to talk like children (teenagers, I guess). Why does Sweetie change her mind so quickly? I would say this story suffers from the word limit, but that'd be wrong. This story suffers from what the author does within the word limit. This story could be everything it's supposed to, I imagine, if the author didn't waste time with the opening and describing the pretty trees and the leaves in Scootaloo's mouth and whatnot. And I feel for the author because if you click on my name you'll see my first writeoff entry. And I think there are a few paralells between the two.

>Unneccesary or unneccesarily drawn out opening scene
>Too much focus on description (just this is good description, mine wasn't)
>Sudden resolution of the problem at the very end

The biggest difference between this story and my story is you can tell one author is skilled and one author is me.

In future minifics, be very careful in choosing what's important. And what you can throw away. It's really hard sometimes to scrap the beautiful description (especially as good as yours is), but it's vital to do so, so when the fic is over the reader has a completed story. This, unfortunately, falls a peg short.

I liked the concept. The writing--specifically the description--is beautiful. This story would benefit from a bigger word-limit but I feel like with a few revisions this one could make the finals with a 750 word count.

Also:

Scootaloo flew

I didn't know this was a comedy fic :V

Buh-Dum-Tssh




That was mean...




I'm sorry...




Good work.

I find this to be a pleasant and amusing little romp. I wasn’t bothered by Berry’s quick acceptance; her fanon fondness for tippling doesn’t necessarily mean she’s slow on the uptake, and in a place like Ponyville where new Alicorns and magic castles almost pop out of the ground underneath you, I imagine she’s seen a lot of weird things and can adapt to them.

Tier: Strong.

Hm. I feel for Pinkie Pie, because I've been in her shoes, but I don't feel for her because I hardly think it's her. The whole time I was thinking Pinkie would, yes, get upset over her friends drunken remarks, but not once did I think she'd question her entire life and who she was. I couldn't suspend my disbelief for that one, sorry. Pinkie is the kind of character that always bounces back (literally). It'd be rather out-of-character for her to stop being... well... uh, Pinkie Pie over drunken remarks or getting her feelings hurt. Did you see how fast she bounced back when Fluttershy ripped her and Rarity in Putting Your Hoof Down? If she bounced back from that with ease then well... I'll put it this way. I couldn't imagine drunken remarks of "hey your parties suck" would be even comparable to: "a pony who wastes her life away pursuing pointless passions no one gives a rat's ass about." Did I get that quote right...? Close enough.

Choose your characters wisely. Pinkie is not your character. Rarity or Fluttershy would have both been better fits than Pinkie, I'd say. And even about that I think Rainbow would be perfect in Pinkie's position. Rainbow is the one with confidence issues.

Plus, in it's current state, having Applejack and Rainbow comfort Pinkie would have been much more effective, and realistic, probably, than having Flutters and Rares.

Also. >>FanOfMostEverything mentioned these two lines:

“Of course, Rarity. But that’s kind of a hard statement to take coming from a white unicorn holding a pumpkin spice latte.”

“Oh. Yes. My one weakness,” she replied as the trio shared a round of laughter.

Ask NaturalBornDerpy, I'm a sucker for all things pumpkin and that includes making fun of people for drinking pumpkin spice lattes.

However.

What was the joke here? It just felt like because pumpkin spice lattes were mentioned there had to be a joke revolving around it, and, well, it didn't work.

The dialogue was really well-written and Rarity and Fluttershy's character made this fic an enjoyable read so you get five out of ten pumpkin spice lattes, with extra whipped cream ;)

This is a cute and charming inversion. It got a smile out of me. Thumbs up.

Reciting the national election verbatim in pony format is not good grounds for an interesting or humorous story. The complete blatancy of the parallel can elicit some humor simply by being so transparent, but for the most part, it feels like a droll, preachy, and condescending repeat of a story I already know. Reading this story makes me feel like the author had a low opinion of the reader's, and by extension, my own, intelligence.

What I would like is for the writer to bring something new to the table, either by ramping up the blatancy to the point where the text becomes self-aware of itself as a political polemic and the humor is in the meta-commentary, or by adding some sort of humorous twist or ridiculousness to the situation. The story nearly had this element by including a anti-democracy Celestia, but that element is played more straight and practical than humorous.

I would have loved a hysterically anti-democratic Celestia condescendingly lecture Twilight on how the average pony is not smart enough to make these sorts of decisions and that the country would be best left to the well-educated elite that knew what they were doing. Cue entrance from Prince Blueblood.

The story needs a bit more going for it than simply:
Filthy Rich = Trump
Twilight = Hillary Clinton
Fluttershy = Bernie Sanders
Crystal Empire = Britain

As it stands, it's just insultingly boring.

Alright let's keep this nice and short. I understand that this is a minific. And I don't like the super constricted small lengths of that the stories have to abide by. So before we dissect this thing. Let's point out the obvious that will be following the rest of my reviews. These are obvious traits that tend to make these types of stories feel less effective in it's entertainment value.

1) It's short - Just when you wish for more, it ends. Usually on a bad note or an unfinished lingering swirl of emotions and opinions.

2)Little to no plot - Every writer has to sacrifice more than half their words to appease the rules in order for their entry to be submitted and not completely tossed away for having too much. This leads to complications with editing forcing writers to trim straight down to the bone.

3)Simplicity - Once again due to the sheer measurement of the stories provided we get little to no material to read. This one took my two minutes to read. I could barely grasp the conflict, intro, or ending. Which seems to be the norm for these types.

Now. That aside for that being for every story listed. (And if it isn't good for you! You're a talented writer! But for everyone else we like the extra space for creativity.) Let's focus on this story as a whole.

We get the conflict at the start which turns out to be a pretty good hook. Now the hero here seems to be Pinkie Pie with her meta story humor and senses. I'm not buying it. It was a good intro and got me intrigued on how the energetic pony would defeat the villain. Then that one curse of a word that completely broke it for me. "Fimfic comments" I get it's a joke but it was what I feel felt like a let down. Then we find out Twilight and Pinkie are retelling their adventure to some mysterious audience. Okay? Maybe the two are posting it online in Fimfiction? Hell! I even thought that it might be human Twilight and human Pinkie Pie, which would have been an awesome joke and actually make a meta relationship with it's readers. Since that's not really mentioned we are left with the idea of their pony versions trying to figure out who in Pinkie's mind is she trying to connect with. Sorry Pinkie but the Pie just didn't do it for me this time.

Author:
This is fine as a character sketch. As a story, it feels a bit flat and I wish that it went deeper. Perhaps the self-exploration would go better if the narrator were working it out with a fellow changeling.

HAH! I enjoyed this thoroughly! It's well planned and thought out. Hitting on points that make us truly enjoy the fandom in and out of the shows canon material. While it is still quite mature it lands very good points on the characters in the story. Trixie being a smart-mouthed trickster and Starlight being a helpful and knowledgeable friend. It hits the prompt well as it is actually the morning after with two ponies sharing coffee and Trixie, somewhat, acting out during what feels like a hangover. (Which we don't come to understand as guilt from her punching the colt in the face thus ruining the date until the end.) You really smoothed it out and made way for a comfortable plot that is both curiously entertaining and really delves into the lifestyle of ponies. Seeing as them being creatures they need affection and most likely need to reproduce to continue their society. Now that put aside. I felt this was somewhat adult like. Being that Starlight had to hook up Trixie and now only wanted the down and dirty, which once again turned out to be that she was making sure Trixie didn't punch her date for the (X) times however much she's dated. Rather than Trixie letting out the details on the naughty subjects. Nice twist there with Starlight keeping her head out of the gutter and turning the predictable around on your readers. Good story and high entertainment level.

You can write very well, but this story really didn't click for me. I'm sorry. :fluttershysad: My review is going to be pretty harsh.

I find the protagonists repulsive rather than sympathetic. Consequently, I'm not able to become interested in their plans nor the outcome.

It would help if you more succinctly gave the audience the hint that the story is based on Harry Potter at the beginning of the story. I found myself uncertain where things were headed until the end of the story.

I can't believe for a moment that Rarity would be willing to help the protagonists. Especially not after the way they "introduced" themselves. Rarity's calm reaction is completely inconsistent with her character.

There is no possible way Rarity's house would smell "horsey". Rarity doesn't shit on a hay-covered floor.

I think "Rarity isn't a virgin, Twilight is a virgin" detracts from the story. You rely heavily on unflattering stereotypes regarding virginity that are irrelevant to the theme of the narrative. It seems to be an attempt at light humor, but it didn't work for me.

I get the central idea of the story: "even Twilight's butt is powerful". However, this is inconsistent with the fact that Twilight's magic abilities in the show aren't native to her: they're specifically because she is studious (unlike the protagonists).

I can't understand why the student passed, even if you ignore the obvious fact that he failed the written portion of his examination. Are these mages being tested for their ability to get lucky during a scavenger hunt? If it's all dependent upon the materials, how does that show evidence of magic ability? The result was disastrous, and proved he didn't know what he was doing. Again, I think this is an attempt at humor, but it didn't work for me.

>>Not_A_Hat
I insist that you read Through Obscurity verbatim, top to bottom, exactly as written. :trollestia:

>>Trick_Question I don't think my tongue goes that far up my nose, but... hey, I can try. :P

This could use some more polishing, as I don’t find the characterizations to be entirely consistent and some of the jokes feel stretched. As it stands, it’s a cute little bit of swords and farcery and worth a chuckle.

Wow. Okay that was a thing. While it was one scene it did try to pull more material into the mix by recreating the events that happened last night. Thought it was just one mislabled drink passed onto the kids. I got a couple of questions for this one. Other than that this was a joy to read. The trouble of having underaged drinkers in your house and having the responsibility to teach them from right from wrong. Now, with the precious three affected by the alcoholic drink we come to find that AJ, RD, and Rarity have come to not only scold them but somehow make them feel better form the poisonous effect (Don't argue with me! It's labeled as a poisonous drug! Thus in-TOXIC-ation.) The flow of the story plays out well with a single scene and the characters all blend quite well with there being six of them. The CMC actually feeling a little hollowed out, which is understandable.

Now question time! Why are they being scolded if it was somepony else's fault? How come they didn't know it was hard cider aside from the regular cider drinks? Applebloom should have known better, which is probably why they were in trouble in the first place right? It feels like Applejack and Rarity kinda switched roles here. AJ would have known AB could tell from hard from regular and so she should have been angry at the little hidden secret and I can see Rarity being more of a defensive type while still somewhat angry. I felt like you cheated a bit with the initials for Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but overall good read. Thought I felt like some points fell short here that doesn't explain the entirety of the story here. Aj would be apologetic but I still don't see how the truth could avoid her at this point. Especially since it's her and her brother that double check the crates themselves with Granny smith acting like the big boss and making sure she bottled them properly.

Fluttershy's voice sounds a little off to me at the beginning. She's not usually passive-aggressive or morose about her social hoofprint.

Additionally, the early dialogue contains too much forced exposition about the holiday fiasco, which makes both characters sound a little strange. Starting the story off with a flyer describing Applesgiving might have been a better approach.

Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes.

These seem like inconsistent emotional displays. I'm sitting here trying to smile and roll my eyes at the same time, and it isn't working.

Twilight said with a roll of her eyes.

Twilight certainly has expressive eyes: they can talk! (A comma might help.)

...and eyes blazing like a metaphor.

Okay, I think this time with the eyes you have actually, technically, just written a meta-metaphor. That doesn't mean I can figure out what you meant by this sentence, however.

Wait, this whole story makes no sense. Turkeys are only semi-sapient, and there's no way they could have traveled from Canterlot to Ponyville in...

...ah, right. :ajbemused:

"Feghoot", said Trick Question, with a roll of her eyes. And also Twilight's eyes.

Okay! That was something. Now wonderful premise on Nightmare Moon being imprisoned and following the events that happened afterward the conflict between the Sun and Moon. What I don't get is quite a number of things.

Let's start with the positives shall we? We get a very good hook on Luna traversing the moon and thinking over her actions. The exploration and the explanation of the physics associated with this story are by far some of the best I've seen so far. This composes most of your story and gives it a really good and comforting vibe.

Now onto the negatives. There is a lot going on with this that just kinda ruins the imagination for the reader. First off nopony knew that Luna was to come back in a 1000 years. So in theory neither did Luna understand that until she did the unthinkable. This event could have spiced up the story here and explain how exactly Luna break out of her prison.

If Nightmare moon was the one sent to the moon and the same being who came back after a 1000 years, wouldn't that still make her Nightmare Moon first and foremost? So placing Luna here as "Luna" instead of the character she was before and afterwards kinda defeats the purpose of the Elements turning her back into Luna's normal state. When this story somehow explains that Luna has had that choice all along. Also it doesn't seem like quite the prison if Luna has free will to wander the Moon freely and with someone like her she would have figured out a way back a lot sooner. Now having her imprisoned in the rocky craters would explain how she was held back for such a long time, seeing as she would have to dig herself out bit by bit just to crack a formation that had created the line of craters outlining Nightmare Moon on the surface of the sattelite. There's a lot of things that just doesn't explain themselves and so it ends up spoiling the read. Leaving it vague like you did only added more confusion rather making this a good read.

My suggestion is, that you perhaps use Luna in her new settings after she is returned to Equestria. Where he wings would feel different her mane probably taking on a starlit veil effect and how she mends issues with Celestia.

Another time romance! And it figures that Discord, in the fine tradition of Wrong Way Corrigan, would live his life before he was born.

On the whole I like it. The name “Gem” seems a bit uninspired to me; I think it likely that Rarity would choose something more inspirational and Spike wouldn’t name his son after food. But this is just a quibble.

I'll agree:

With >>FanOfMostEverything. As set-up for a larger story, this is a lot of fun. But as a stand-alone piece, well, it doesn't stand alone... :)

Mike

This is a sweet, deftly executed story, though it carries a message that may disconcert many members of this site. Thumbs up, Author.

It's Woonastuck! /)^3^(\ (She really needs to find that map.)

Jokes aside, you should say Nightmare Moon rather than Luna here. The characters are distinct, here you're referring to NMM, and NMM wouldn't think of herself as Luna.

This is an interesting exposition that raises more questions than it answers, but the message is on-point. I think it would help if there were a forward-looking comment about, "...maybe she'd change her mind a millennium hence and want nothing but revenge, but for now...". Something like that would have tied the story more tightly to canon in a way that we're not left guessing how much this version of NMM differs from the one whose backstory we know and understand already.

I know it's been said, but this really would be better horror if the code didn't overshadow the story. I actually think it's really cool, but the key for the Vignere cipher wasn't obvious--was it a Vignere cipher?--and I couldn't figure out which way to read the text below that. I got the backwards spelling, but figuring out proper word order threw me. I finally determined that the sentences were indeed reversed, but didn't know they read bottom to top until I read it down in the comments. Even reading it as I did, it was increasingly creepy going through the backwards text, and I loved the atmosphere--I just wish I had been able to understand the story from the get-go. Maybe you can go with simpler codes, make sure you're very clear (to the reader) what type of code is being used where, and if you are dying to use something fancy, like the Vignere that takes a table to solve, at least link to a site that explains how to solve it, if not one that can decode it for you!

I love the recasting of the royal We. That was brilliant. However, I think the florid nature of Celestia's tongue is just a little distracting. You should be able to speak through her and make her sound archaic without switching languages on us, even to this small degree.

This is similar to how it's tempting to write "I" as "Ah" for Applejack. It seems evocative at first, but it's lazy: Applejack doesn't speak a language where there's a word spelled "Ah" that means "I", so it shouldn't be written that way. AJ speaks English, as does old-school Celestia. Keep this story firmly in normal English, even if you intend that Celestia doesn't speak normal English in this scene (the audience is English, and it's written for them to understand). Rely on clever word choices taken from "normal" English to make it sound archaic. You actually do this very well, but it needs to be pushed a little further.

I favored the connection between a Pie and laughter, however unrealistic that read might be.

Canonically speaking, I believe it's called the Castle of the Two Sisters.

Canonically, I'm also pretty sure the castle had been abandoned by ponies years prior to the fight between Celestia and Luna, but that would ruin the premise of the story, so I don't consider it a flaw.

Canonically, it's also the case that Celestia never actually spoke in the archaic fashion that Luna does, but I think this is secondary to the need for clarity which I mentioned above.

Alright, one-seventh of the stories is all I can handle today. I'll need to pause here for a day or two because exam grading takes precedence. But I will be back for more later, have no fear. :twilightsmile:

>>Kitcat36
All the shortcomings of both short word counts and a time limit. Still had fun making it.

>>Garnot Revealing authorship disqualifies you from the competition.

:/

Nitpick: loath and loathe are, perhaps surprisingly, different words.

This is perfectly serviceable. However, it doesn't feel fresh, unusual, particularly interesting, or surprising to me. It plays out very straightforwards, and although the conclusion is a fairly satisfying one, it's also one I saw coming early on. I don't think every story needs to be surprising. But I do think this one feels a little too much like a re-tread for me to really appreciate it.

The opening of this story has a lot of 'as you know, Bob', that I think you'd be better off without. Furthermore, the resolution basically falls into the MC's lap; he stumbles through a portal, but everything works out alright in the end because he lucked onto a generous mare. As such, it's rather unsatisfying. The ending helps a little; it's not exactly a joke, I don't think, but it kinda reads like one, and that freshens things up a bit?

I think I wanted to like this more than I did; talking animal sidekicks, wacky hijinks, and Harry Potter influences? These are all things that I like in one way or another. But for me, they didn't really fit together well.

I think you need to hit your beats a bit sooner, or lay your foreshadowing a bit deeper. There's some great work here, especially in how cleanly readable this all is, but the 'son' bit is very nearly a stinger, and without that context the 'not for a while' line made me think Fallen Leaf was talking about himself.

This is definitely going up my slate. I just wish it didn't take quite so long to get going, before it's over.

This could use a whip-round with a proofreader, and a bit of tightening up on the opening.

Still, once it got moving I found it fairly entertaining. I was curious as to what Discord was doing and where it was going, but in the end, it just kinda... stops? I don't think this has enough resolution to be really satisfying.

I'm really not sure what this was going for. It reads kinda like the one-note comedies that show up regularly in the minific rounds, but doesn't seem to have a central joke for a kicker.

Maybe it's because I'm not much for slice-of-life, but I think this needs more of something, and it's not really important to me what that is. Just more of some sort of emotion.

I can't help you here, Author, because I was sick of hearing about the election five weeks before we knew the results.

Abstained.

Heh, nice work. There were a few ticks in the wording that felt off to me, like "messed up in a twist" (messed up makes me think spread out while twist makes me think compacted?) but on the whole, this was a fairly smooth read.

I'm not entirely sure I buy Rainbow's change of attitude at the end; sure, the sunbeam helps, but it seems a little fast and sharp. Not quite enough to give me whiplash, but if you hadn't done as well as you did with voicing her, it might have.

Overall, very nice, but not quite perfect.

Genre: Time-travel crackshipping (sorta)

Thoughts: Recent evidence suggests that the genre by itself should be right up my alley, but I'm not as much into the blatancy of what Berry is going for here. Fortunately that ends up taking a back-seat to the humor of the Doctor's predicament, which I thought was great. Others have noted that Berry rolls with the situation rather quickly, but I think either >>GroaningGreyAgony explains it, or it's just the alcohol talking. Either way, this delivers a complete, satisfying, and funny story, which is pretty much all I could ask for.

Tier: Top Contender

Starlight, you're doing this wrong. The correct answer is obviously to lock her in the hamster-ball and roll her around until she capitulates and expresses her undying love for you.

Have I mentioned that Starlight locking Trixie in the hamster-ball is my favorite part of the finale?

Anyways, this story got a laugh out of me. Trixie talking in first-person was odd to me, but maybe that's how she talks now? I need to watch more S6 I guess. On the other hand, although this is a pretty good joke, that's basically all it's doing here.

Sort of starting off on the wrong foot with the mixed and awkward image of the simile here. I would never say that comprehension "crashed" into someone, and I wouldn't also use that verb to describe the action of being bucked in the face. The beginning and ending thoughts of the opening paragraph seem to be at odds with one another as well, where understanding dawns on Celestia, but her thoughts fail. I assume the description is going for some more vague emotion of uncertainty rather than comprehension of the her fear, which she verbalizes, but the manner in which it is presented is ripe for confusion.

The essence of the conflict is not presented exactly clear enough to completely understand the Celestia's interior motivation or the external factors causing her to behave the way she does. The audience can get a vague understanding of something from the past involving children affecting Celestia, likely with death given how it is described, but it could be entirely possible that these are just romanticized memories of a student transitioning from childhood to adulthood. There are few scant details that could shift the interpretation either way, but I think it is important that the backstory of this event not be vague or up to debate to understand how this affects Celestia.

It is difficult to understand what Celestia is not ready to acknowledge and why it takes the form of writing a goodbye in a book. Perhaps there is a significance to the book I am unaware of due to not being caught up in the show, but the whole situation is hard to deconstruct. Is she writing for her own benefit? Is she writing a letter that is going to be shown to someone else? Why is she not ready?

I can maybe assume in regard to that last sentence that because of the prompt, that this happened the day before, but even so, that element should be in the text proper instead of relying on the prompt relation to tell the story.

I'm missing a lot of the more specific "whys" to this story that allow me to understand the characters, which makes the whole ordeal seem more of a method to convey an emotional state to the reader than to convey a working story. The body language and description tell us that Celestia is feeling guilt, nostalgic, depressed, and anxious, but doesn't offer much insight as to how or why this came about aside from the very vague notion of missing some unspecified person, who maybe is Luna (my first inclination was to say it was Twilight, but she doesn't have blue eyes), but could just as easily refer to a group of unspecified people.

I figure that this is some take on the whole "being immortal sucks", Celestia banishing Luna, or Celestia dealing with her students growing up, but I honestly can't say for certain. And I shouldn't be uncertain about this sort of detail that is crucial to understanding how the events unfold in universe. I can't have an empathetic reaction to someone experiencing sadness without really comprehending what they're going through.

Genre: Random

Thoughts: Random

Tier: Random

...

Okay, that's not the most useful review. Honestly though, I might have to abstain on this one. The prose is solid enough, and there are some humorous flourishes here and there, but I fundamentally don't "get" this story. I think my single biggest stumbling block is the graffitied sign on the moon... it's the sort of thing that screams that this should be a comedy, but for the life of me I feel like I'm missing the joke.

Sorry, author. I suspect that I could like this much more with a bit of explanation.

This story seems to have an actual act-based structure!

That's always nice to see. However, while I appreciate your ambitions, I don't feel like this story has enough depth or scope to really wow me. It's doing a lot of things right, but it's not doing any one thing right enough to knock it out of the park. You could tighten up your prose a bit, I think; things like: "a voice spoke out behind her" are awkward and redundant, since a voice can't really speak and it's later obvious that it's behind her, stuff like that? If you cut a hundred words that way, you could put them back in to re-enforce the narrative somehow and give the whole thing more kick overall.

Headed in the right direction, but not as strongly as I'd like to see.

Well, it's a good start.

But yeah, this is hard to judge, because although it's an interesting setup, it really doesn't give much of anything in the way of development or resolution. I wouldn't mind seeing more of this, but as it is, I can't really say much.

Seems like a good start, though.

I admire what this story is trying to do, but I suspect the others may not appreciate it as much as I. The premise itself is not something special or new, and in fact, I've written (not in this competition) on the very same thing. I believe others have written on this topic as well. Nonetheless, I think this piece highlights the complexities of grief that most people fail to acknowledge. Grief can change a person, make them hard, resentful, unpleasant, angry, cold, self-destructive or arrogant.

The relief of this piece is that in the end, these feelings of bitterness and self-destruction are not the absolute deciders of what we do. The statement is fairly clear that there is no shame in these dark feelings or have temptations of power, but they should not escape our minds. The narrative doesn't scold Celestia for having these fleeting fantasies of cruelties. I can appreciate that maturity.

Although, I think the attitude Celestia does is a bit overplayed. The author showed a lot of restraint in here, but there are some choice sentences "such as the line about 'fools'" or the direct thoughts about Luna when Celestia wakes up that I'd choose to omit simply because it seems overzealous and exaggerated for the moment.

The construction of the prose here is interesting too, although I think there is a bit of an overuse of the ellipsis for dramatic pausing and italics for emphasis (only twice, but still). The author is indulging experimenting with their vocabulary a bit too much. Some minor technical issues with spacing and punctuation, but nothing that is a deal-breaker.

As a piece meant to capture a specific emotion rather than create any sort of real plot, I think it does well.

She's dead, Jim.

So, straightforwards tragedy, I guess? For me, this sort of story needs to do a bit more than just kill off a character. While you can almost get away with that sort of thing because it's fanfiction (we already have connections to the characters, so killing one off doesn't need the same amount of words to get a reaction that an original fiction would) I don't find it sufficient in and of itself.

Making a point about the character, the nature of life and death, mourning, hope or grief... well, make a point about anything, I guess, and I'd find this a lot more enjoyable. As it is, while it's not bad, it's also not actually doing anything that I find particularly worthwhile.

Well, I've never been a particular fan of tragedy, so part of that may just be me.

Oh, and a whip-round with a proofreader wouldn't go astray either.

On the upside, most of these phrases were turned nicely and everything was understandable and clear from what was said, so that's good. Despite describing a strange and nebulous place, I never really felt lost or confused, so kudos for that.

Good mechanics, needs more substance.

>>Cassius

I believe she is pining for Sunset Shimmer, who apparently hasn’t written a friendship report in a while. I agree that this is perhaps presented too subtly, particularly if (like me) one hasn’t seen EQG, instead relying on secondhand fandom references to grok things. I might get more from this story if so. As it stands, I can tell what the author is doing to build emotion, and that it seems competently done, but I can’t connect to it.

Genre: Slice-of-life (humorous)

Thoughts: This shouldn't work as well as it does, being a story about a story. But it manages to nail the magic that that kind of setup can pull off. Trixie is a fun character to put in this kind of situation, and she was written brilliantly. I wasn't as sold on Starlight, though; I struggle to think of her as being this well-connected or socially adept, regardless of her close association with the Mane 6. But then I generally prefer a more awkward and self-effacing take on reformed!Starlight anyway, so I'll admit some of this might be personal bias.

Tier: Top Contender (note: I've realized that I'm dropping TC's like they're hot this round... so either I'm going to have to go back and make some adjustments, or I've just been blessed with The Boss Slate, and it'll be agony ranking them against each other.)

>>GroaningGreyAgony

Ah, that does fit with the blue eyes description, but I still don't think knowing this dramatically improves my overall comprehension of the piece as a whole.

Hmm, not entirely sure how I feel about this.

On the one hand, this picked an ambitious concept to put at the center of its story. If I'm reading it right, this is a world where Rainbow never did the Sonic Rainboom, and she went up against Nightmare Moon with her weather team? So this is about Nightmare Moon talking her around? That seems like it's got a lot of potential to me, and some of it's definitely on display here.

However, there are a few pieces of the narrative that don't really feel right to me. This seems to fall after Rainbow made her decision. But... unless you're showing her robbed of agency or something like that, her conflict with her conception of loyalty is the central problem in the story. Putting her surrender before the story begins cripples that a little. You have her waking up and being somewhat rebellious before capitulating, but the fact that she's already fallen takes some of the sting out of that.

And that italicized bit in the center seems really unnecessary.

Great concept and ambitious ideas, but undercut by the execution.

Huh, nice.

So this is a really good idea, and the execution mostly carries through. The whole aftermath thing, the interaction with the guards, the creeping feeling that something's wrong that built until the end; very well done on the whole, a nice bit of societal worldbuilding that gives us a peek into a different (but realistic and believable) mindset.

I do have to question, however, what the meaning of the 'good filly' thing was. It recurred three or four times, but it didn't really seem to be pulling its weight. If it was a motif, I missed the meaning.

I really don't have a whole lot to criticize here besides that. Perhaps a spelling mistake or two, but meh. Have a proofreader look at it later.

Genre: OMG creepy AF horror

Thoughts: Okay, I wouldn't know a Vignere cipher from a hole in the ground, but I caught onto what was happening quickly enough once I got to the end and found the really obvious word that the author was kind enough to include a few times in prominent places. Things got harder the middle, though, and I'll confess I eventually crapped out and read the Pastebin versions.

Then it got creepier. Because... does it read forward, or backward? It seems to work either way. I thought I was reading it backwards-forwards, but then it got so much worse when I realized it might have been forwards-backwards.

Look, I can't disagree with the point that the cipher made this virtually inaccessible without the Pastebin reference, but there's some next-level creepiness going on here, and that deserves to be applauded. I don't know if you could preserve that, though, without all the layers of obscurity; it's like the creep-factor gets dialed up so high because of the anticipation to see more, and then there's the fact that you can't know the full depth of the horror until you work your way back through it.

Tier: Almost There

Wait, what?

Ten years since the defeat of Nightmare Moon, but Luna's still around? And then... Oh. Oh! You mean the second defeat?

Man, the beginning to this threw me and hard. I'm still not certain I'm reading it right. I originally thought Celestia was mourning the loss of her sister, which was then totally shredded by Luna's presence. Still, no matter how I juggle times and dates in my head, I can't make that really work either? Because if it's ten years since the Elements, then shouldn't the EQG movies have happened? And Sunset being Celestia's student before Twilight doesn't make much sense to me, because I've always figured her as somewhat older than Twi?

I mean, Sunset being Celestia's secret lovechild makes as much sense as any random AU, I guess. But I wasn't really expecting AU here. Or if I was, I was expecting a different one or something, I dunno. :/

On the one hand, I think you've picked a fairly dramatic idea. However, I just can't make heads or tails of what's going on around that, which makes it difficult to add any sort of commentary on the actual story.

Sorry, maybe I'm too tired, but this just seems a little to confused.

So, Goldenmane, huh? First thing I thought of was Goldeneye.

"Ben, for Equestria."

"For Equestria, Author."

*ahem* Right. I've a thing to write...


First, I thought it was Celesta/Luna regret, come to find out it's Celestia/Sunset regret, with the new addition that Sunset is Celestia's daughter. Then, I come across the word "banished" in the last few lines, and get the more lost.

Maybe it's my headcanon getting in the way, maybe there's something in the comics that I haven't heard about, but I was always under the impression that Sunset ran away of her own accord. In that light, the rest of the fic falls painfully flat. Unless, of course, you're referring to Celestia banishing her to the Western Tower, in which case "hidden" might be a better, though perhaps less connotative, word choice. If that's the case, then I can better understand Celestia berating herself for forcing Sunset to live in solitude.

The interpretation of the prompt was... interesting. Sunset, despite her name, is Celestia's morning. It's therefore unspecified when exactly she passed (assuming the phrase, "She would have been twenty-seven" implies her passing). Honestly, that's so downplayed that I'm not even sure that's how this was meant to be interpreted. The buildup was so disguised and so drawn-out, I felt like it actually hurt the story more than it helped it.

That said, this is a compelling idea, and I want to see this explored a little more, a little deeper.

>>CoffeeMinion
I would like to note that CoffeeMinion expressed basically exactly what I was thinking in a much more eloquent manner (well, except that he figured out the cipher key and I was still unsure). Part of the creepiness comes from the code, particularly the backwards words, which you can read with just a little more effort than normal... Figure out a way to make the middle section more accessible--as it is, it's off-putting to look at, even if you want to figure it out, because it's clearly going to require so much work to solve, that is IF you can--and I'd love just a little expansion about what the bibliophage was, just a few more details (though I do understand you were constrained by the length)

>>ChappedPenguinLips
I believe I speak for most every author here when I say: any and all reviews are deeply appreciated. Oh my goodness, it's weird to count myself as an author, but technically I DID enter......

Might as well just jump in and start with the most talked about story so far.

Honestly, I don't see a whole lot in the story itself, unless there's more to it than I'm seeing. (What I'm seeing is Twilight accidentally releases a knowledge monster, tries to stop it with ciphers, fails, and it gets her. And now she's off to Celestia, who will either save the day or fall prey to the monster.) But I love the presentation of the story. The ciphers were fun to crack, though they really weren't that difficult. (I couldn't guess the key to the Vigenère cipher, though it was pretty obvious in retrospect. But it was still easy to figure out the cipher by guessing some of the words. (The 10 o'clock bit was pretty obvious.))

I might be alone in this, but I kind of wish that the ciphers had been harder. I would have loved it if it had taken at least a day or two of our combined efforts to solve them. Still, this was probably the most fun I've had with a writeoff story since whenever I last submitted a joke fic.

>>The_Letter_J

The 10 o'clock bit was pretty obvious.

I tried it and it didn't work. D:

The Great

Uses the limited space quite well. It focuses on a single core emotion and explores it with very little in the way of fat. Just a very tight concept.

The Rough

I also needed to see GGA's comment to fully grok the subject of this story. It's obvious now that I know, but yeah, I think this might just be a little too subtle.

The emotional flow is a bit... odd. I get the impression that this is some time after Sunset has left based on comments about the book. At the same time, the earlier paragraphs imply this is a pretty fresh wound. Both ideas are fully functional, but it does need to be a bit clearer, I think.

Too much heart imagery. You return to it a lot in the story. 4 times, I think? Which is really noticeable in 6-700 words.

I’m afraid I’m just echoing the others, here. The story itself is a nice idea; however, awkward opening paragraph aside, the language itself can get a little overbearing. Showing rather than telling is great; however, repetition of the same form of language over, and over, and over ceases to convey emotion, and just becomes fatiguing for the reader. In this case, you lean far too heavily on physical descriptions of Celestia to evoke pathos, to the point where they instead evoke irritation.

Don’t believe me?

Instead, her fetlock pressed against her trembling lips.

Slowly, her breathing leveled

Yet a barrage of thoughts turned riotous in her skull

Her rebellious eyes drifted back

she staggered back into her chambers.

It continues.

she nearly tripped in an effort not to step on her
She stepped passed her bed, trying not to look
Her heart had gone back to abusing her ribcage.
Forcing her eyes open
Her head turned slowly, answering the call
Swallowing to moisten her throat
She sat and raised her shaking hooves
She licked her lips, closed her eyes
Celestia’s hoof whipped up
At the sight of it, the air left Celestia’s lungs
She sagged over the empty page
Pursing her lips,
Celestia gritted her teeth.
Trembling, the quill lowered
Celestia stared at the word

Keeping a single scene with a single character fixated in a single idea coherent for 750 words is quite a challenge, author – in the future, consider breaking it up; have other characters, for the persona to interact with, or instead of foregrounding the idea the entire time, instead show how the burden she’s feeling paints her day-to-day life. If you’re not married to the idea of a single scene, consider breaking the story up into smaller fragments; CiG’s The Destruction of the Self, or Not_A_Hat’s recent Sorrow’s Council are excellent examples of stories that could have been told in a single scene, but would have been far poorer for it.

Keep practicing – you’ll get there!

This fic was....nice. Sweet, and fluffy. As !Hat said, perfectly serviceable. Life could always do with more Cadance stories. But I feel as if the story doesn't achieve all that much because it doesn't set out to; there are no twists, or clever narrative devices, or original takes on well-worn characters. It flags its conclusion at its beginning, draws the line, and walks it. Does that make this a bad story? No, it's a perfectly good story - but one that could aspire to more.

As has been said, more puzzle than story. Nothing wrong with that, but... not in the spirit of the contest to me. As soon as I got to the ciphered text, I thought "oh no, a gravity falls fan who's too clever for his/her own good." I love Gravity Falls, but the ciphers I just googled. This is as bad as putting a bunch of untranslated Urdu in the middle of a story. Yeah, we get it, author is smart, but anything that takes me OUT of a story is something that makes me dislike that story.

On those grounds, I'm afraid I'm going to have to give a relatively low score to this one. Thanks to other people's efforts though, I'll also say that the actual deciphered story is rather generic as well. The confusion in the unciphered text already told me the whole story, just with a few less details. That is: "Oh no, dark magic/demon got loose from a book."

Now, all THAT said... bravo for the effort put forth. I think this type of thing stands as an interesting "art piece" and applaud anyone willing to take chances like this.

...eyes blazing like a metaphor.

Har har...

Okay, not really much to say on this one. It knows what its doing and gets it done quickly enough that it doesn't become annoying.

Hmm... a little light on content here. I kept expecting this to zoom out and show "Gamer Luna" playing Skyrim or something. As it stands, it feels halfway between a joke and an actual explanation/backstory for why they're in charge.

This is what I get for not refreshing my ballot page since yesterday... But, as I read it anyway now, a quick review.

It's piqued my curiosity, and were it a longer story, I'd definitely keep reading. As it is though, the lack of resolution or closure leaves it feeling more like a non-sequitur. As noted by Kitcat36, could use a little technical editing as well.

Not too shabby. The friendship between these two is shown relatively well here. The pacing fits the word length well enough, and takes us through a full plot arc, which is actually rarer than it should be in this contest. The "Oh no, not again" gag at the end was a little too cliched though.

I was excited in the first bit. The morning after ascension is a great choice of setting for this theme, and for a moment, I really thought we'd see some heartfelt reflection on that. But as soon as the others started talking about her doing something "rash" I knew it was just setting up another "misunderstanding" gag. I'm sorry, but those are rarely funny at the best of times, and when they are, the setup has to be perfect. I'm afraid it falls rather flat in this case.

Some excellent descriptive language here, even if there are a few typos to mar the otherwise elegant prose. But... this goes nowhere. It sets all sorts of strange scenery, and does nothing with it. I mean, yes, as the reader I can certainly guess that the protagonist is trapped in a dream, taken by faeries, on a drug trip, or "going into the light" but that's not a story. It's all so much "Chekov's Rocks" here...

Some were new, sharp and glossy; weird designs had been carved on them.

Don't show us (admittedly beautiful) descriptions of mysterious things just to do nothing with them. Same goes for mentions of "the law" and some power to "grace" things. None of this fits with any pony canon/fannon I know. In fact, other than the name in the last line, nothing about this story at all seems Pony. With the Will O' The Wisps, this would probably fly better as celtic or european folklore to my reading of it.