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The cupcakes look nice! I agree that the frosting was well drawn.
I think the orientation of the cupcakes could be a little better; they're pretty spaced apart.
I think the orientation of the cupcakes could be a little better; they're pretty spaced apart.
This one's really emotional. I think it suits the story quite a bit. The darkened lines are just where they need to be and the mane is drawn with motion.
Twilight looks real cute here. It's hard to tell who the two ponies are looking at her. I think making the hair shapes more noticeable would help this image. The POV is a really good choice, though.
>>BlueChameleonVI
Note that until the contest is over, you can't really see how well or badly your fic did—stories that didn't make it to finals are displayed in a randomized order on the gallery page, not in the order of how they ranked.
Note that until the contest is over, you can't really see how well or badly your fic did—stories that didn't make it to finals are displayed in a randomized order on the gallery page, not in the order of how they ranked.
I SWEAR TO GOD THIS WASN'T ME. Yes, I may be the one who posts Owl City lyrics in the comments near the start of almost every round, and yes, his latest album Cinematic is great, and yes, All Things Bright and Beautiful is a wonderful album, and yes, I've been known to submit trollish art entries... BUT IT AIN'T ME.
Post by
Super_Trampoline
, deleted
This is a very...
interesting one. It's very colorful, and very nice looking. The elements within it seem somewhat inconsistent with each other. While things like the Pocky (?) and the nattou (?) have colored lineart, some foods don't. The cherry blossoms seem out of place, though nicely done. These elements all seem like vectors that don't fit in the image together, but seem good apart. Almost like a clip art image.
Altogether, I think it's interesting and fun. It just isn't cohesive.
interesting one. It's very colorful, and very nice looking. The elements within it seem somewhat inconsistent with each other. While things like the Pocky (?) and the nattou (?) have colored lineart, some foods don't. The cherry blossoms seem out of place, though nicely done. These elements all seem like vectors that don't fit in the image together, but seem good apart. Almost like a clip art image.
Altogether, I think it's interesting and fun. It just isn't cohesive.
This is when they break into song and dance, ending with a resounding "Not guilty!" from the judge.
Aww! I love this one! Sweetiebelle's(?) hair is really nice and swoopy.
The only problem I have is that Applebloom(?) seems oddly larger or closer and it seems unintentional.
The only problem I have is that Applebloom(?) seems oddly larger or closer and it seems unintentional.
I'm fairly certain all these pen(?) drawings are done by the same person. That being said, I think the perspective is actually more successful in this image than some others. The cake on the right doesn't follow the same perspective, but the cake on the left works.
Celestia's face is real good here.
Celestia's face is real good here.
Yep, this one had me going.
"Not bad, this is pretty interesting worldbuilding of how unicorn magic works and.... waaiiiit a minute."
"Not bad, this is pretty interesting worldbuilding of how unicorn magic works and.... waaiiiit a minute."
>>BlueChameleonVI
This is what I refer to as "The Write-off Special." You get a bunch of vaguely positive comments, then your story finishes far lower than you would have expected it to from that. It's probably happened to everyone at least once. You might be able to anticipate it by comparing the comments you get to the ones on all the stories so you have a relative idea, but it would probably take a lot of work to tease that out.
This is what I refer to as "The Write-off Special." You get a bunch of vaguely positive comments, then your story finishes far lower than you would have expected it to from that. It's probably happened to everyone at least once. You might be able to anticipate it by comparing the comments you get to the ones on all the stories so you have a relative idea, but it would probably take a lot of work to tease that out.
This is deconstructed cubism reflected off a neo-absurdist take on the GIMPressionist movement of the late 00s.
Genre: Horror?
Thoughts: I love the lingering Pinkie clone as fodder for fanfiction. I'd love to see the show get back to her, too. Stories like this seem like just the tip of the iceberg in terms of demonstrating her potential.
Of course it's easy to fail to live up to the potential that even an interesting idea can offer, whereas this delivers strongly. That's worth calling out and congratulating the Author for. Clone!Pinkie is a bit Pinkie here but also a bit her own pony. I like how we get shown her struggles and turmoil. The part where it descends into her inner "demon" is repetitive but heartbreaking.
I generally have nothing but praise for this, yet I don't think it quite cracks my top tier. Right now I feel like the various pieces of this (coming home after the date / lamenting circumstances / hearing the voice) are somewhat disjointed and don't fit together as cleanly as I'd expect in a Top Contender. Granted, to some extent that disjointness contributes to the story's dark and melancholy atmosphere. But it doesn't feel like that was completely deliberate... or if it was, I don't think it's quite firing on all cylinders yet.
So hey, Author, I hope you keep refining this one. It's dark and affecting.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I love the lingering Pinkie clone as fodder for fanfiction. I'd love to see the show get back to her, too. Stories like this seem like just the tip of the iceberg in terms of demonstrating her potential.
Of course it's easy to fail to live up to the potential that even an interesting idea can offer, whereas this delivers strongly. That's worth calling out and congratulating the Author for. Clone!Pinkie is a bit Pinkie here but also a bit her own pony. I like how we get shown her struggles and turmoil. The part where it descends into her inner "demon" is repetitive but heartbreaking.
I generally have nothing but praise for this, yet I don't think it quite cracks my top tier. Right now I feel like the various pieces of this (coming home after the date / lamenting circumstances / hearing the voice) are somewhat disjointed and don't fit together as cleanly as I'd expect in a Top Contender. Granted, to some extent that disjointness contributes to the story's dark and melancholy atmosphere. But it doesn't feel like that was completely deliberate... or if it was, I don't think it's quite firing on all cylinders yet.
So hey, Author, I hope you keep refining this one. It's dark and affecting.
Tier: Strong
I mostly enjoyed this fic. Like a couple of other commenters, I am getting a little hung up on the "CSGU only takes students with straight As, minimum." That's not really a thing colleges do IRL, for fairly obvious reasons: because teachers aren't of consistent quality all across the state/country/world, because getting a B in 9th grade PE probably doesn't say much about your ability to study law, etc.
(Grades do matter, of course; I'm finding my immersion challenged by the strictness and absoluteness of the cutoff, not the fact that some sort of academic expectations exist)
A few things come to my mind, if you want to change this to make it work better for myself and readers like me. Most obviously, you could lower the grade; CSGU not taking students with any Cs on their report cards would... well, some readers would probably still find that a little impersonal and uncaring for the Magical Land of Equestria™, but it would at least be closer to realistic, and probably close enough that most people won't get hung up on it from that angle. Giving Sunset a C does change the dynamic of the story, though, so that may not be a direction you want to take this. You could also change the source of anxiety slightly, to her needing a scholarship (third-party, almost certainly) that requires a 4.0 or better; that dovetails nicely with the "too poor" angle, though you might still get readers who feel that "can't afford higher education" isn't setting-appropriate.
If your intention is, as >>MLPmatthewl419 read it, that Sunset is lying, then that needs to be better justified. I could see her lying to her teacher about it to try to get the grade changed, but why would she lie to her mom and dad? What's the point of that? If this was what you were going for, give her a clear motivation for exaggerating the school's requirements.
The change I, personally, would make (i.e. the objectively correct answer) would be to tie school admission/eligibility to a single test (some Asian and European countries more-or-less have this kind of setup IRL, if you want to research examples), and have CSGU eligibility guaranteed to students who ace said test. That doesn't need to be the only way into CSGU, that way; it's just the only way to be sure she can go. And she can be treating school as basically one long practice test for the only one that really matters. That makes the teacher's "don't worry so much," a bit more accurate, while still keeping the sense that she doesn't "get it," and feels to me like exactly the kind of thing a child could/would latch onto.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on that particular aspect of the fic. None of them would require a massive re-imagining of the beats - the three scenes you've got feel like well-fit from an emotional/tonal standpoint. Overall, nice work!
(Grades do matter, of course; I'm finding my immersion challenged by the strictness and absoluteness of the cutoff, not the fact that some sort of academic expectations exist)
A few things come to my mind, if you want to change this to make it work better for myself and readers like me. Most obviously, you could lower the grade; CSGU not taking students with any Cs on their report cards would... well, some readers would probably still find that a little impersonal and uncaring for the Magical Land of Equestria™, but it would at least be closer to realistic, and probably close enough that most people won't get hung up on it from that angle. Giving Sunset a C does change the dynamic of the story, though, so that may not be a direction you want to take this. You could also change the source of anxiety slightly, to her needing a scholarship (third-party, almost certainly) that requires a 4.0 or better; that dovetails nicely with the "too poor" angle, though you might still get readers who feel that "can't afford higher education" isn't setting-appropriate.
If your intention is, as >>MLPmatthewl419 read it, that Sunset is lying, then that needs to be better justified. I could see her lying to her teacher about it to try to get the grade changed, but why would she lie to her mom and dad? What's the point of that? If this was what you were going for, give her a clear motivation for exaggerating the school's requirements.
The change I, personally, would make (i.e. the objectively correct answer) would be to tie school admission/eligibility to a single test (some Asian and European countries more-or-less have this kind of setup IRL, if you want to research examples), and have CSGU eligibility guaranteed to students who ace said test. That doesn't need to be the only way into CSGU, that way; it's just the only way to be sure she can go. And she can be treating school as basically one long practice test for the only one that really matters. That makes the teacher's "don't worry so much," a bit more accurate, while still keeping the sense that she doesn't "get it," and feels to me like exactly the kind of thing a child could/would latch onto.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on that particular aspect of the fic. None of them would require a massive re-imagining of the beats - the three scenes you've got feel like well-fit from an emotional/tonal standpoint. Overall, nice work!
Genre: Twilight Zone
Thoughts: I feel like there was one portion of this story in particular that summed-up my overall difficulties with it:
I am but a simple man, and the prospect of explosions, drama, and awesomeness, sound at least like they might be of passing interest. Certainly more than the continued pulling away from moment after moment of interesting-looking action just as they're about to hit the gas.
After scanning the comments and thinking back on past Writeoff entries, I take it that the setup here is that Twilight Did A Very Bad Thing (TM) and now Ponyville is shrunk and in a jar. I think that can work as a story idea, and I think this mostly sets that up in an interesting way. But I have at least one sticking point with the end.
IMO, I'd make the ending at least clearer if you don't want to take it all the way to Twilight resolving the problem. Right now I feel like the language is vague and ambiguous enough that I wasn't even sure who was there or what was going on until confirming things via the comments. Maybe some of that boils down to a stylistic choice, but I'd urge the Author to at least consider taking another look at that.
I'd also ask if there's a way to hold our interest more through the middle, where we keep getting pulled away from things just as there's about to be action or change.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: I feel like there was one portion of this story in particular that summed-up my overall difficulties with it:
No, we shall not wait for the explosion, no matter the drama and awesomeness it promises.
I am but a simple man, and the prospect of explosions, drama, and awesomeness, sound at least like they might be of passing interest. Certainly more than the continued pulling away from moment after moment of interesting-looking action just as they're about to hit the gas.
After scanning the comments and thinking back on past Writeoff entries, I take it that the setup here is that Twilight Did A Very Bad Thing (TM) and now Ponyville is shrunk and in a jar. I think that can work as a story idea, and I think this mostly sets that up in an interesting way. But I have at least one sticking point with the end.
IMO, I'd make the ending at least clearer if you don't want to take it all the way to Twilight resolving the problem. Right now I feel like the language is vague and ambiguous enough that I wasn't even sure who was there or what was going on until confirming things via the comments. Maybe some of that boils down to a stylistic choice, but I'd urge the Author to at least consider taking another look at that.
I'd also ask if there's a way to hold our interest more through the middle, where we keep getting pulled away from things just as there's about to be action or change.
Tier: Keep Developing
With its lack of emphasis on action, or physicality, and the total absence of any written dialogue, this feels like a summary of a story rather than an outline -- or even a newspaper report on a wedding. A framing device like that might help your story out, author. If you carry this to FiMfic, that might be a good approach to take.
What it's going for right now, though, isn't working. At least, it's not working for me. Sorry.
What it's going for right now, though, isn't working. At least, it's not working for me. Sorry.
Grad-School God gets evaluated by Bigger God.
...I kinda loved this for the set-up alone, and it's stylistically very unique. Probably one of the most unique entries I've read this round. But I think the meta is a little too abstract for a reader to fully grasp the significance. You hooked me with the writing and the premise, but I ended up getting lost at what, exactly, you were trying to say, author.
...I kinda loved this for the set-up alone, and it's stylistically very unique. Probably one of the most unique entries I've read this round. But I think the meta is a little too abstract for a reader to fully grasp the significance. You hooked me with the writing and the premise, but I ended up getting lost at what, exactly, you were trying to say, author.
>tfw you read an andrewrogue story that andrewrogue couldn't possibly have written
As much as I liked this (and I liked it a lot), I feel like the ending didn't quite stick. Octavia should probably be just a little more put out/exasperated with Celestia, seeing as she, y'know, upended all her notions regarding fairness and the function of magic in society.
And validated Vinyl. The worst crime of them all.
As much as I liked this (and I liked it a lot), I feel like the ending didn't quite stick. Octavia should probably be just a little more put out/exasperated with Celestia, seeing as she, y'know, upended all her notions regarding fairness and the function of magic in society.
And validated Vinyl. The worst crime of them all.
Loved this! Top contender. Didn't really get the shift in the drill instructor's attitude at the end, but from start to finish, this had me smiling. Thanks for giving me something sweet to read on the bus, author.
Genre: Nostalgia
Thoughts: Okay, first off, props for capturing some of the spirit and energy of Epic Wub Time and related works with this. As others kinda indicated, this reads like it came out of a time capsule from earlier in the fandom... specifically the part I wasn't around for, though I've caught up a bit, and I suspect this would've fit right in.
Nostalgia alone isn't enough to carry a story, though (probably). Looking past that, I see some things that are working here, along with some bigger gaps. Both Octavia and Vinyl have strong characterization, and it's easy to enjoy their interactions. I think Octavia is strongly written at the beginning and end, and her moment with Celestia is a great way to bring the story's shenanigans to a controlled halt.
But I think there's a gap with the plot itself, and/or with Octavia as its central character. I can't help but feel like the entire plot of this just revolves around things happening to and/or in the vicinity of Octavia, rather than there being a "plot" per se. Maybe it boils down to personal taste, but I ultimately find it hard to care about any of what's going on since it all seems to be so random. Nobody is running around making choices or going through changes--except Vinyl. But she's not really the protagonist.
My other beef is with Octavia's dialogue in the middle. Right now I feel like she comes off as very harsh and sudden with her words. Maybe it's a consequence of not having enough spare word count to let the conversation warm up more slowly and breathe a bit, but I don't feel like the current version of it quite hits the mark. Also, "arse over knickers insane" is... a unique choice of insult. Strictly speaking, wouldn't that mean one's bottom was exceeding one's drawers? #2Lewd4Me :-p
I dunno though. Issues aside, I feel like this has a certain charm about it that manages to pull the whole experience together in the end. It's got some barriers to making me care about what's going on, but ultimately I think it pulls that off, too.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Okay, first off, props for capturing some of the spirit and energy of Epic Wub Time and related works with this. As others kinda indicated, this reads like it came out of a time capsule from earlier in the fandom... specifically the part I wasn't around for, though I've caught up a bit, and I suspect this would've fit right in.
Nostalgia alone isn't enough to carry a story, though (probably). Looking past that, I see some things that are working here, along with some bigger gaps. Both Octavia and Vinyl have strong characterization, and it's easy to enjoy their interactions. I think Octavia is strongly written at the beginning and end, and her moment with Celestia is a great way to bring the story's shenanigans to a controlled halt.
But I think there's a gap with the plot itself, and/or with Octavia as its central character. I can't help but feel like the entire plot of this just revolves around things happening to and/or in the vicinity of Octavia, rather than there being a "plot" per se. Maybe it boils down to personal taste, but I ultimately find it hard to care about any of what's going on since it all seems to be so random. Nobody is running around making choices or going through changes--except Vinyl. But she's not really the protagonist.
My other beef is with Octavia's dialogue in the middle. Right now I feel like she comes off as very harsh and sudden with her words. Maybe it's a consequence of not having enough spare word count to let the conversation warm up more slowly and breathe a bit, but I don't feel like the current version of it quite hits the mark. Also, "arse over knickers insane" is... a unique choice of insult. Strictly speaking, wouldn't that mean one's bottom was exceeding one's drawers? #2Lewd4Me :-p
I dunno though. Issues aside, I feel like this has a certain charm about it that manages to pull the whole experience together in the end. It's got some barriers to making me care about what's going on, but ultimately I think it pulls that off, too.
Tier: Strong
Genre: Master of Puppets
Thoughts: Bah, everyone's already written what I was thinking: this could be a great start to a deep and poignant tale, but I think it stumbles and becomes less clear by bringing in Rainbow Dash at the end. This is a really good first iteration, though, and it suggests a lot of potential. I don't think it would take a ton of work to tune this up for FimFiction.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Bah, everyone's already written what I was thinking: this could be a great start to a deep and poignant tale, but I think it stumbles and becomes less clear by bringing in Rainbow Dash at the end. This is a really good first iteration, though, and it suggests a lot of potential. I don't think it would take a ton of work to tune this up for FimFiction.
Tier: Almost There
Feeling like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night.
It's a shame this one didn't appear in my first slate, even after adding three or four extras. Very nicely done, author. Alas, there's nothing to be said beyond what others already have.
It's a shame this one didn't appear in my first slate, even after adding three or four extras. Very nicely done, author. Alas, there's nothing to be said beyond what others already have.
Congratulations, Ocellus! You just graduated from one of America's absolutely worthless colleges on an equally worthless liberal arts degree! Don't worry, your value as a worker was determined the instant you decided to study something nobody needs in a field nobody cares about from a school known more for its political correctness and adherence to diversity at the cost of properly preparing you for the real world. Enjoy your lifetime of minimum wage, and be happy you're at least getting that.
Genre: Wedding
Thoughts: During prelims I mentioned that I had abstained on a second story, but I declined to leave a review because my feedback was essentially: "I'm sorry, this story just isn't for me."
This was that story. Author, I apologize for calling it out now, but my finals slate is sized such that I'm going to end up reviewing all of them--including my own, which I hate doing, but them's the breaks.
Anyway, my issue here is that the narrative style just isn't my cup of tea. It's very distant from the characters, and for whatever reason, I find it difficult to stick with for any length of time. My instinct is to abstain here, though, because I can't tell if the story itself bears changing, or if it's just that I'm being triggered unnecessarily by a style that doesn't appeal to me.
Tier: Abstain
Thoughts: During prelims I mentioned that I had abstained on a second story, but I declined to leave a review because my feedback was essentially: "I'm sorry, this story just isn't for me."
This was that story. Author, I apologize for calling it out now, but my finals slate is sized such that I'm going to end up reviewing all of them--including my own, which I hate doing, but them's the breaks.
Anyway, my issue here is that the narrative style just isn't my cup of tea. It's very distant from the characters, and for whatever reason, I find it difficult to stick with for any length of time. My instinct is to abstain here, though, because I can't tell if the story itself bears changing, or if it's just that I'm being triggered unnecessarily by a style that doesn't appeal to me.
Tier: Abstain
Since nobody has mentioned it yet.... her Dr. Seuss hat is a wonderful touch to the picture. Her anatomy is very well done and I love the expression in her eyes.
This one doesn’t have as many comments as I expected. It’s a well composed piece!!
It seems that you have a skill and know how to draw ponies, artist. Props to you. The color scheme is pleasing to the eye and the lines are clean.
Tips to make the image pop out more is if you put a dark background against the light pony and the light background against the dark one it makes the image stand out in a good way.
The rain cloud is perfectly done. I love that you took some time to paint it, and paint it well. The rain coming from it is great, too.
My minor complaint is the huff coming out of his nose. It overlaps Raindrops in not a good way. In my personal opinion it would look better if you removed it.
My review would be longer but I’m stuck with only my phone on vacation.
Keep drawing ;)
It seems that you have a skill and know how to draw ponies, artist. Props to you. The color scheme is pleasing to the eye and the lines are clean.
Tips to make the image pop out more is if you put a dark background against the light pony and the light background against the dark one it makes the image stand out in a good way.
The rain cloud is perfectly done. I love that you took some time to paint it, and paint it well. The rain coming from it is great, too.
My minor complaint is the huff coming out of his nose. It overlaps Raindrops in not a good way. In my personal opinion it would look better if you removed it.
My review would be longer but I’m stuck with only my phone on vacation.
Keep drawing ;)
Genre: Autoflagellation
Thoughts: I'm struck by the emotional weight of this story. Quite beyond the question of whether the A- truly skunks her future, I feel a clear sense of Sunset's desperate circumstances and her determination to escape at all costs. It's emotionally taut, and the poverty of her family is presented in a way that could easily come across as maudlin, but somehow doesn't. Frankly I'm not quite sure how it manages to do that.
So yeah, this packs a hefty punch in the space. I keep thinking I'm going to find a "but" in my thoughts about it but it thus far remains but-free.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: I'm struck by the emotional weight of this story. Quite beyond the question of whether the A- truly skunks her future, I feel a clear sense of Sunset's desperate circumstances and her determination to escape at all costs. It's emotionally taut, and the poverty of her family is presented in a way that could easily come across as maudlin, but somehow doesn't. Frankly I'm not quite sure how it manages to do that.
So yeah, this packs a hefty punch in the space. I keep thinking I'm going to find a "but" in my thoughts about it but it thus far remains but-free.
Tier: Top Contender
Genre: <img src="thats_the_joke.jpg"/>
Thoughts: Behold, the futility of S8 Twilight's accomplishments! Huehuehuehue!!!
...eh.
I dunno here. There's a central joke, or at least a focus of the satire. It's pretty one-note, though. It's dressed up all pretty with technically solid writing and a premise that seems ripe for comedy, but right now it isn't working for me.
...and cribbing from other reviewers helps me see why. Right now this is a finger in the eye of the Friendship School and its silliness, but it feels rather a bit light on story beyond that, and rather a bit mean to boot. It's solid but I can't really get into it.
Welp, I guess there's a tier for that...
Tier: Abstain
Thoughts: Behold, the futility of S8 Twilight's accomplishments! Huehuehuehue!!!
...eh.
I dunno here. There's a central joke, or at least a focus of the satire. It's pretty one-note, though. It's dressed up all pretty with technically solid writing and a premise that seems ripe for comedy, but right now it isn't working for me.
...and cribbing from other reviewers helps me see why. Right now this is a finger in the eye of the Friendship School and its silliness, but it feels rather a bit light on story beyond that, and rather a bit mean to boot. It's solid but I can't really get into it.
Welp, I guess there's a tier for that...
Tier: Abstain
Genre: Insurance Fraud
Thoughts: I can only assume that Daring has to get a physical as part of her health insurance provider's annual requirements or something. I mean, she's probably filing claims out the wazoo all year long... can't blame them for wanting to figure out what the fudge is goin' on there.
Actually that's a neat little bit of headcanon, if I do say so myself.
Trouble is, it's me saying it, not the story. I can see how it's implied, but it's never really stated. So yes, I'll dogpile with the others who are jumping on the end here and feeling like it doesn't fully tie things together with a solid explanation of why Daring has to go through all this.
Here's the thing, though: the rest of the execution here is really, really good. The concept feels good and like it should work. The prose is crisp, if not sparkling. Overall it's otherwise Top Contender material that, regrettably, just happens to faceplant its way across the finish line, and in doing so, gets itself tangled in the unraveling braid of its own internal logic.
But oh boy is this gonna clean up well.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I can only assume that Daring has to get a physical as part of her health insurance provider's annual requirements or something. I mean, she's probably filing claims out the wazoo all year long... can't blame them for wanting to figure out what the fudge is goin' on there.
Actually that's a neat little bit of headcanon, if I do say so myself.
Trouble is, it's me saying it, not the story. I can see how it's implied, but it's never really stated. So yes, I'll dogpile with the others who are jumping on the end here and feeling like it doesn't fully tie things together with a solid explanation of why Daring has to go through all this.
Here's the thing, though: the rest of the execution here is really, really good. The concept feels good and like it should work. The prose is crisp, if not sparkling. Overall it's otherwise Top Contender material that, regrettably, just happens to faceplant its way across the finish line, and in doing so, gets itself tangled in the unraveling braid of its own internal logic.
But oh boy is this gonna clean up well.
Tier: Almost There
This one's got Thunderlane down to a tee, but it does feel a bit plain. I know the source fic doesn't really lend itself to visual imagery, but out of all your sketches so far, this one does seem basic, in the sense that not much is being conveyed.
I really like how you silhouetted out Wind shear. It puts the focus on Raindrops very well, despite him being in the foreground. I also love your choice of perspective, making it from the view of the unnamed stallion that Raindrops was distracted by. As for Raindrops herself, I'll be honest and say that when I first saw the picture I thought it was Derpy. But I think it would have been tough to differentiate the two, considering they have identical designs outside of color and cutie mark, so I'll give you a Get Out of Jail Free card for that.
This one's got a cleaner look to it than the other sketches, and I like the extra details it affords to Sunset's mane and tears.. Sunset's face strikes me a s a little too wide for her snout to me, though. And it took me a second to realize that she was seated at her desk; I almost mistook her desk for her body. I doing something like showing her hooves or more of her torso might make it easier to get a sense of her posture.
I really like how Twilight's mane kinda melts into the shadows on her body and the floor. It really feeds into this feeling of oppressive emotional weight. Very well done, and I also think it was a great choice to not show her eyes, which adds to the coldness of the scene. If I had to lodge a complaint, I'd say her back end does look a little detached from the rest of her, and also seems a bit small to me considering the angle of perspective.
I do like the floaty, dreamy feel of this one, and Pinkie is recognizable even with the flat mane. It did take me a couple of seconds of squinting to realize that she's holding a pillow between her arms, though. I think the way her mane breaks up her upper arm and the way the rightmost lines of her arm align with those of the pillow kind of make the whole pillow-and-arm bit feel like it's somehow sticking out from or detached from the rest of Pinkie. If you choose to color this one, it would probably help a lot with this complaint, though, since it'd be clearer that her arm and the pillow are separate objects.
Seconded >>Roseluck that Twi's pretty adorable. Nice work with the eyeshine! I do have a bit of trouble with recognizing the ponies in the foreground, though. I originally thought that they were stage curtains, or something like that; it was hard to immediately realize that we're looking at snouts + manes, let alone discern who they belong to. Maybe zoom the perspective out just a tad to show more of their silhouette? IDK anything about how to art. :S
Okay, for some reason I thought that little lock of mane to the right was a broken horn, so I immediately associated this with Tempest instead of LD. But still, I like the craggly way you drew her eyes; it conveys the mood just right. I do think her snout/nose might just be a smudge too long for her face... but maybe I'm being crazy.
Push Broom's face is perfect. Those itty-bitty eyes and mouth really convey her emotions instantly.
Luna's face is a bit harder to figure out. I can't quite tell if she's supposed to be angled more towards the "camera" or more towards Push Broom. And considering the tilt of her head, it's a little odd to me that her left eye (her left, not ours) is larger than her right.
Luna's face is a bit harder to figure out. I can't quite tell if she's supposed to be angled more towards the "camera" or more towards Push Broom. And considering the tilt of her head, it's a little odd to me that her left eye (her left, not ours) is larger than her right.
Oooh, this is cool. I really like how only the snout is clearly defined, and the rest of the silhouette is implied by these big, aggressive brushstrokes. It conveys the sense of motion and fleetingness very well!
NIce work with Pinkie's expression. There's a lot of complicated emotions that I can't quite put into words, and I really liked that her face is the only thing not in shadow. It feels stark and a little disconcerting. Nicely done!
Ooooooh, I really like this one. I wonder how it would've looked had the area around the eye had blended more with the darkness, but it's still a neat little piece.
God, Pinkie's eyes are getting me here. In a good way. She looks wistful as hell. Again, you ace the EqG style.
Rainbow's speech felt a bit on-the-nose, but otherwise this is a great character-based dramedy. My favorite piece of the contest so far, I think.
The best thing about your pieces, author, is that they're actually making me interested enough to read the story they're attached to.
Spike looks like a cute pouty baby here.
Spike looks like a cute pouty baby here.
Really liked this piece. Aside from the occasional missing punctuation, I found this engaging and poignant—a great look at Twilight's headspace following her coronation.
That said, I'm not sure what point this piece is trying to make, if any, about Spike's role in Twilight's life. We get lines like:
The language here calls to mind servitude, which feels like it should be focused on, not just accepted and ignored.
That said, I'm not sure what point this piece is trying to make, if any, about Spike's role in Twilight's life. We get lines like:
Dutifully, Spike obeyed.
The language here calls to mind servitude, which feels like it should be focused on, not just accepted and ignored.
This is very, very sweet. That last line alone gets this to the top of my slate. I'm going to remember this piece for a long time. Might even be one of the better pieces to ever come out of the Writeoff.
I got lost in the jargon of these three paragraphs:
Some readers above me have commented that this reminds them of Douglas Adams. While I see where they're coming from, I'd actually argue this piece reminds me much more of Aimee Bender. If you've never read it, author, I recommend checking out her short story "Job's Jobs." You might like it.
I got lost in the jargon of these three paragraphs:
The embarrassing thing was that this had all been done materially. For free.
The Pony blushed. That sounded bad for the economy, and anyway the Human claimed to have already done it. She’d lose marks for creativity.
So after this universe had met its end, She started up another one and infused it with a high magical potential. It was generally considered more sensible to get spirituality and the other stuff from magic than from matter, which after all was supposed to be the groundwork, not the main performance.
Some readers above me have commented that this reminds them of Douglas Adams. While I see where they're coming from, I'd actually argue this piece reminds me much more of Aimee Bender. If you've never read it, author, I recommend checking out her short story "Job's Jobs." You might like it.
Two Birthdays
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Hap >>Chris >>No_Raisin >>BlueChameleonVI
This wasn't my best attempt, and I'm glad it didn't make the finals—especially considering some of the remarkably good fics that didn't make the finals for some inexplicable reason.
I agree with most of the comments except the claim that the kids are too old to be asking this question now. How do you figure that? I never stated how old the children are, and there must be a first time they ask this question. I would expect them to ask Pinkie near their birthday. It might have helped expectations if I had mentioned they were turning five years old or something along those lines, though I thought the language of the foals was young enough to send that impression.
Anyway, I probably won't be fixing it up in the near future, but it was nice to submit something for once. I wasn't very inspired by the prompt this time and depression's made writing difficult over the past few months. I'll be back for the poni short story round in two Writeoffs.
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Hap >>Chris >>No_Raisin >>BlueChameleonVI
This wasn't my best attempt, and I'm glad it didn't make the finals—especially considering some of the remarkably good fics that didn't make the finals for some inexplicable reason.
I agree with most of the comments except the claim that the kids are too old to be asking this question now. How do you figure that? I never stated how old the children are, and there must be a first time they ask this question. I would expect them to ask Pinkie near their birthday. It might have helped expectations if I had mentioned they were turning five years old or something along those lines, though I thought the language of the foals was young enough to send that impression.
Anyway, I probably won't be fixing it up in the near future, but it was nice to submit something for once. I wasn't very inspired by the prompt this time and depression's made writing difficult over the past few months. I'll be back for the poni short story round in two Writeoffs.
Genre: Obsession
Thoughts: i came away from this with a feeling that something was amiss. It took a while to pin down where the feeling came from, but I think this line is at the root of it:
I mean, overall this story seems to want to convey a sense of discomfort as Spike watches Twilight descend back into another obsessive episode, of which she's had plenty. Nothing wrong with that. But that line seems a bit out of place to me, as it either reflects a suddenly-introduced dark truth (in which case it bears more setup), or a much deeper depth of Twilight's obsessive paranoia than I might expect from her, especially after Lesson Zero.
...and yet, that's more of a personal objection (or a knock on your adherence to canon) rather than a real, substantive story critique. I think this might be one of those circumstances where the story isn't exactly my cup of tea but I can recognize its overall success at plot, structure, storytelling, etc.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: i came away from this with a feeling that something was amiss. It took a while to pin down where the feeling came from, but I think this line is at the root of it:
"She can't speak openly about things like this, Spike; Canterlot's a viper's nest."
I mean, overall this story seems to want to convey a sense of discomfort as Spike watches Twilight descend back into another obsessive episode, of which she's had plenty. Nothing wrong with that. But that line seems a bit out of place to me, as it either reflects a suddenly-introduced dark truth (in which case it bears more setup), or a much deeper depth of Twilight's obsessive paranoia than I might expect from her, especially after Lesson Zero.
...and yet, that's more of a personal objection (or a knock on your adherence to canon) rather than a real, substantive story critique. I think this might be one of those circumstances where the story isn't exactly my cup of tea but I can recognize its overall success at plot, structure, storytelling, etc.
Tier: Strong
>>Pascoite
>>BlueChameleonVI
I am now imagining a scene from some future episode. Celestia shouts to her castle guards, "Arm yourselves!" When she turns around, all the pones have human arms, flopping around on the floor, unable to walk.
>>BlueChameleonVI
I am now imagining a scene from some future episode. Celestia shouts to her castle guards, "Arm yourselves!" When she turns around, all the pones have human arms, flopping around on the floor, unable to walk.
This was a lovely little story. I don't have much else to add that hasn't been said already.
I was, however, reminded of my grandmother, who, every day after school, asked me, "Did you get a hundred?" Even a straight A was not good enough.
I was, however, reminded of my grandmother, who, every day after school, asked me, "Did you get a hundred?" Even a straight A was not good enough.
Genre: (A) Hustle (Sweetheart)
Thoughts: Well dang, my slate just keeps getting heavier at the top. What a great problem to have!
Here we get a story that sits off to the side of MLP canon, but that doesn't do anything to preclude its compatibility with canon. It's funny, it fits perfectly in the word count, and it doesn't feel forced or rushed in any way. It's got a strong emotional range, as we see the protag fly between hubris, panic, resignation, and a bunch of other things. Overall it's just a joy to read.
10/10, possibly scooping the top spot on my slate.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Well dang, my slate just keeps getting heavier at the top. What a great problem to have!
Here we get a story that sits off to the side of MLP canon, but that doesn't do anything to preclude its compatibility with canon. It's funny, it fits perfectly in the word count, and it doesn't feel forced or rushed in any way. It's got a strong emotional range, as we see the protag fly between hubris, panic, resignation, and a bunch of other things. Overall it's just a joy to read.
10/10, possibly scooping the top spot on my slate.
Tier: Top Contender
Funny, succinct, and effective. This is a good'n.
The one thing I'd look at adding is some explanation for why Twilight sent this in the first place (I assume ponies don't eat a lot of chicken wings). If you've got room, adding a vaguely-worded letter from Twi near the start (perhaps Cadence reads the note when Shiny expresses dubiousness?) might be a nice touch. But honestly, that's just me spitballing. As-written, this is very effective at delivering its joke. Nice work.
The one thing I'd look at adding is some explanation for why Twilight sent this in the first place (I assume ponies don't eat a lot of chicken wings). If you've got room, adding a vaguely-worded letter from Twi near the start (perhaps Cadence reads the note when Shiny expresses dubiousness?) might be a nice touch. But honestly, that's just me spitballing. As-written, this is very effective at delivering its joke. Nice work.
>>Trick_Question
I can't speak for the other commenters, but my issue wasn't that they were too old (that said, I'd have pegged them at about 8 (human) years old, based on their dialogue and a couple of behavioral cues), but that this didn't seem to have come up before. Again, the "they have spent multiple years not noticing that Mom and Dad are divorced" is what trips me up. Even if they are only five (though that brings up the question of how likely they are to remember multiple birthdays), they surely should've noticed long before now that mommy and daddy are never in the same place at the same time, right? That's not really something you can hide from a kid, even if they can't put into words exactly what's wrong.
Glad you were able to get something in this round, and whenever you do feel like "fixing it up," I think it'll come together nicely. There's a lot of great elements here, after all. Hope the next prompt inspires you, and hope to see you again next time!
I agree with most of the comments except the claim that the kids are too old to be asking this question now. How do you figure that?
I can't speak for the other commenters, but my issue wasn't that they were too old (that said, I'd have pegged them at about 8 (human) years old, based on their dialogue and a couple of behavioral cues), but that this didn't seem to have come up before. Again, the "they have spent multiple years not noticing that Mom and Dad are divorced" is what trips me up. Even if they are only five (though that brings up the question of how likely they are to remember multiple birthdays), they surely should've noticed long before now that mommy and daddy are never in the same place at the same time, right? That's not really something you can hide from a kid, even if they can't put into words exactly what's wrong.
Glad you were able to get something in this round, and whenever you do feel like "fixing it up," I think it'll come together nicely. There's a lot of great elements here, after all. Hope the next prompt inspires you, and hope to see you again next time!
To repeat what others have said, the only thing about this story that isn't great is the bookends (and mostly, the first scene). Since you're telling this from Twilight's perspective, I'd think about making the opening--especially the narration--a bit more staid, to contrast more fully with Trixie coming in and breaking the norms. Right now, the two characters play off of each other well; if you can reinforce that through the text itself, I think that'll help take this all up another level.
Also, I'm a little sad that in the first universe, T&T weren't pursued by a bear, but that's probably just me pining for that. Nice work!
Also, I'm a little sad that in the first universe, T&T weren't pursued by a bear, but that's probably just me pining for that. Nice work!
Genre: Clever Girl Boy
Thoughts: Oh buck YES, we've got some mighty fine Discord up in here. What a creative origin story, framed as an excerpt from a monster movie, and spiced with just the right amount of horror. 99% of this is fantastic IMO. It's jarring to read how the different kinds of ponies talk and think about each other, but that's a great way to convey the era this is set in. I am completely fine with this as headcanon for Discord's origin.
But oh, that last line. Even the buildup to the last line was totally fine. The last line itself, though, is just like... whaaaaa? It's close to working, but right now it's both too vague to make an impression, and IMO not particularly interesting relative to what I might expect from both Discord himself and this otherwise brilliant depiction of him. I'd love to see how Discord subverts expectations even when filling the expected role of the killer monster doohickey, rather than just delivering some kind of generic kill of variable speed.
But that's me wishlisting to at least some extent. I do think the ending has some weakness that holds this back, but otherwise this is outstanding stuff.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Oh buck YES, we've got some mighty fine Discord up in here. What a creative origin story, framed as an excerpt from a monster movie, and spiced with just the right amount of horror. 99% of this is fantastic IMO. It's jarring to read how the different kinds of ponies talk and think about each other, but that's a great way to convey the era this is set in. I am completely fine with this as headcanon for Discord's origin.
But oh, that last line. Even the buildup to the last line was totally fine. The last line itself, though, is just like... whaaaaa? It's close to working, but right now it's both too vague to make an impression, and IMO not particularly interesting relative to what I might expect from both Discord himself and this otherwise brilliant depiction of him. I'd love to see how Discord subverts expectations even when filling the expected role of the killer monster doohickey, rather than just delivering some kind of generic kill of variable speed.
But that's me wishlisting to at least some extent. I do think the ending has some weakness that holds this back, but otherwise this is outstanding stuff.
Tier: Strong
I think this is my favorite of the art pieces. It's unusual but very colorful and fun. Even the title adds something.
This is probably my second favorite of the art pieces. My thoughts begin and end with: "Well goldang that's a cute pone."
This is probably my third favorite art piece, though it's perhaps the most "complete" of all of them. It does a great job of bringing a scene to life, it's very lush, etc.
(Clearly I am not God's gift to art criticism)
(Clearly I am not God's gift to art criticism)
This earns an Honorable Mention from me. It's so gonzo and colorful and weird, yet it captures the story quite well. Awesome stuff.
This earns my second Honorable Mention, for the Best Joke (Visual Medium) category. I keep snerking every time I come back to this. I mean, the composition is kinda simple, but sometimes that's all you need to get a point (or joke) across.
Well, I'm done. I reviewed all the finalists, commented on a couple of favorite art pieces... time to kick back and practice my Jedi mind tricks for influencing vote outcomes(*) wait for results to roll in. Best of fortune to all! This was a darn good Writeoff overall, with a strong bunch of stories and art.
(*)Tricks backed by Trixie's Totally Legit Magic Insurance LLC
(*)Tricks backed by Trixie's Totally Legit Magic Insurance LLC
King Gorderia was decidedly not a griffon who wondered about his future. He owned the future. Quite officially, in fact: He had his attendant draft up a deed and everything. There was a parade.
Thank you, author, for giving my coworkers the opportunity to stare at the crazy guy and wonder what's so funny.
All I can think about right now is A.K. Yearling and Bruce Wayne sitting in the latter's foyer, sipping on glasses of Apple Family Cider and sharing stories of past doctor's visits and other cover story topics.
Someone needs to write that, like, yesterday.
Someone needs to write that, like, yesterday.
A'ight, I know I said I was done, but this deserves an Honorable Mention as well. The art piece I considered attempting would've been Starlight brandishing a switchblade and a sneer, and it warms the cockles of mine heart to see someone else take and run with a similar-feeling (though different) concept.
This gets one last Honorable Mention from me, in the Best New Yorker/Family Circle category. We need more of this kind of thing in the Writeoff art competitions!
Adorable! I too would've liked to have seen ponies, but this is still quite cute, especially since it's unclear how much of Twilight's smile comes from the innocent joys of science and how much from the shipping I crowbarred in with all the grace of a half-paralyzed rhino.
Speaking as a software developer, I know that feel. I know it all too well. Work, dammit.
Well, the title is certainly descriptive. Going to assume that we've got a young/new artist here. If that isn't the case, and this is just someone of you messing around, please don't take it the wrong way.
I like your choice of colors; they really match Pinkie well. And I also like that you took the time to draw out her cutie mark, too. Things like that really helps make a pony recognizable. As for what could be improved, I think we could use a little bit of work on the fundamentals, like making sure her legs are the same thickness. I'd also suggest making her mane a little thicker, or coloring it in. Being able to see the outline of her head behind it is a little odd. I do hope you decide to keep drawing and improving!
I like your choice of colors; they really match Pinkie well. And I also like that you took the time to draw out her cutie mark, too. Things like that really helps make a pony recognizable. As for what could be improved, I think we could use a little bit of work on the fundamentals, like making sure her legs are the same thickness. I'd also suggest making her mane a little thicker, or coloring it in. Being able to see the outline of her head behind it is a little odd. I do hope you decide to keep drawing and improving!
I like that you went for cleaner lines for this sketch. It makes all the individual parts of Daring feel more separate from one another. I do think Daring's mane seems a little odd, though. Since it's basically the same as Rainbow Dash's, I would expect the edge of it to be spikier where it meets her face, instead of smooth.
I like what you did with Sunset's eyes, implying their shape with only the brows and the bottoms. But the lack of a nose on Sunset give her face a kind of... fish-like look? The shape of the mouth kind of plays into that as well, I think. Other than that, I like how both of their hairstyles are instantly recognizable, and I can easily tell that Sci-Twi is wearing a lab coat despite the simplicity of the sketch.
Of all your sketches, this one is probably the most immediately unclear one to me. I can see the her talons, and the coins, but for the longest while I thought Griswielda was burried in the coins with only her talon sticking out of the pile. I didn't quite register the shapes to the left as her head until I read Moosetasm's comment. I think what's hurting you is not being able to see Giswielda's body from this angle. Her silhouette isn't really strong, so it takes a long time to understand her posture in relation to the perspective.
>>PaulAsaran
They had been trading war stories for a few hours now, and had gotten well into the old battle wounds phase of the conversation.
“This scar is from a ninja—“ said Daring.
“This scar is from a ninja—“ said Batman.
They had spoken simultaneously...
Batman and Daring Doo both slowly placed their ciders on the ridiculously long Wayne family dining room table. This was it. A challenge that neither could decline. This would require all of their skill, all of their speed and reflexes. And there could be only one winner—
“Jinx!”
They had been trading war stories for a few hours now, and had gotten well into the old battle wounds phase of the conversation.
“This scar is from a ninja—“ said Daring.
“This scar is from a ninja—“ said Batman.
They had spoken simultaneously...
Batman and Daring Doo both slowly placed their ciders on the ridiculously long Wayne family dining room table. This was it. A challenge that neither could decline. This would require all of their skill, all of their speed and reflexes. And there could be only one winner—
“Jinx!”
Yep, that is definitely a bottle of hot sauce. It is missing the little Texas Pete cowboy logo though, and I kinda wish you included it just because I think it's the silliest thing ever.
I love the ying-yang vibes this one gives out, and the sense of motion in Starlight and Sunset's postures and the thick, sketchy outlines. The glow and shading is also really nice too, the way it plays with the color of the piece.In terms of improvements, I think maybe the background is a bit too busy. It looks like at least part of it is a screencap from the show, but the fact that we can only see bits and pieces of it give the picture as a whole a more... fractured look? I'm not quite sure how to describe it.
Still, liked this one very much! And of course, Twilight with the "Okay-this-is-happening" look in the corner is just gold. NIce stuff!
Still, liked this one very much! And of course, Twilight with the "Okay-this-is-happening" look in the corner is just gold. NIce stuff!
>>FanOfMostEverything
The danger with making references like these, is that folks who don't get those references will just be confused. I have no knowledge of previous generations of pony, and remember seeing a forgettable movie called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that mostly seemed to be a bunch of references to the book(s?) that I've not read.
Well, this solves a whole lot of problems in physics...
I liked this. There were some clever jokes, but it also felt like a reference salad.
The danger with making references like these, is that folks who don't get those references will just be confused. I have no knowledge of previous generations of pony, and remember seeing a forgettable movie called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that mostly seemed to be a bunch of references to the book(s?) that I've not read.
This time, the Pony cheated a little and resorted to inflation when the Examiner wasn’t looking.
Well, this solves a whole lot of problems in physics...
I liked this. There were some clever jokes, but it also felt like a reference salad.
Okay, "UR DED" is the kind of stupid silliness that makes a stupid person like me giggle. I don't think we've ever seen a griffon on the show with a solid color, so Griswielda does look a little plain to me. That being said, her expression is great, and I love that little angle on her upper beak; it just screams "bird of prey". The curtains in the background are straight-up psychedelic in their color scheme, and it does clash a little with Griswielda's jet-black coloration, though this may have been your intention. Everything here is just crazy-silly, so nice job with that!
>>Paracompact
I disagree; it's only supposed to be slightly offensive, after all.
If you wanted to go with something in that vein, I'm partial to "Some of my best friends are blacks," or "#HeritageNotHate."
I disagree; it's only supposed to be slightly offensive, after all.
If you wanted to go with something in that vein, I'm partial to "Some of my best friends are blacks," or "#HeritageNotHate."
The art makes so much more sense now.
This is easily the top of my slate.
I will echo the other commenters, that the ending undermines the rest of the story.
This is easily the top of my slate.
I will echo the other commenters, that the ending undermines the rest of the story.