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This is the Weather Patrol
“This ain’t no picnic,” Commander Wind Shear had said to the summer camp junior cadets this morning. “This is the Weather Patrol!”
Six hours, two blue eyes, and one accidental rainstorm into her first patrol, Raindrops was trying not to hyperventilate as she stood at attention.
“This,” Commander Wind Shear bellowed as he swept a forehoof toward the sopping wet family standing in the middle of the sunny park, “was a picnic!”
The ground squished around her hooves as she squirmed. Ponyville was supposed to be the easy patrol, for first-time junior cadets.
Wind Shear flew slowly back and forth in front of her, never breaking what must have been a withering stare from behind his mirrored aviators. “And what is your name, Cadet?”
She squeaked, then cleared her throat. “Raindrops, sir.”
“Raindrops, huh?” He landed and stepped closer. “Can you tell me, Raindrops, what was today’s forecast?”
She took a deep breath. “Perfect Picnic Weather! Warm sun, lazy drifting clouds, and just enough breeze to tease your mane.”
“That is the copy we sent the newspapers!” He leaned back and raised one eyebrow. “And do you know what you did wrong?”
“I kicked when I should have bucked!” She remained at attention, studying his stonelike expression for a full ten seconds. “I, uh, bucked when I should have kicked?” She gulped. I got distracted by a cute stallion…
Wind Shear bent down and stuck his muzzle in Raindrops’ face. “Look at that family.”
Raindrops closed her eyes and exhaled, then leaned to the side and peered around her commanding officer-slash-camp counselor. Two foals were splashing around in the grass, cackling in delight. A stallion and a mare began chasing them around a soaked picnic blanket, but soon it was unclear who was chasing whom. Meanwhile, a stallion about her age was flipping his wet bangs from one side of his face to the other, grinning at Raindrops in between each flip.
She didn’t realize she was smiling back until Commander Wind Shear took a deep breath and hollered, “Does this AMUSE you?”
Her ears immediately folded back. “N-no! No, I—”
“Do those soggy sandwiches look delicious to you?”
She glanced back to the picnic. The saturated white bread looked like it had melted in the sun. The same sun that was sparkling off the young stallion’s coat as he winked at her with a sly grin on his muzzle.
Raindrops bit her lip and tried not to smile. She jumped as Wind Shear got in her face again and shouted, “Do you ENJOY waterlogged potato salad? Do you understand how serious this is?”
“No, sir! I-I mean, yes, sir! I—”
The young stallion moonwalked behind the Weather Patrol Commander, splashing water behind each of his hooves as he slid backwards across the grass.
Raindrops stifled a giggle.
“Is this FUNNY to you, Cadet?” He was so close, Raindrops could see her blushing reflection in his sunglasses.
“No, sir! The stallion behind you is trying to make me laugh.”
Commander Wind Shear worked his jaw, then turned around. The young stallion quickly looked away, whistling and swinging a hoof idly. Wind Shear turned back around and scowled. “Oh, yes. That guy is hi-larious.”
Raindrops huffed and stomped her forehoof with a splash. The stallion turned back around and winked at her again.
“This is serious, young lady! You have…”
She found it hard to pay attention to the commander, as her eyes followed the young stallion. He trotted away from his family’s picnic, then planted his hooves and started galloping toward the pair of weather ponies. He leapt forward, keeping his forward momentum through his landing, skating across the slick grass with his legs all stiff as boards. He slid just behind Commander Wind Shear, blowing a kiss to Raindrops as he passed.
Raindrops turned back to Wind Shear with wide eyes just in time to hear, “…and what are you going to do to make it right?”
She stood tall and saluted. “I’m sorry, sir. I’ve let you down. I’m going to buy him lunch. Them lunch. I’m going to buy them lunch and apologize.”
The commander nodded. “You see that you do. Oh, and Cadet?”
“Yes, sir?” From the corner of her eyes, she could see the young stallion pumping his forehooves in the air.
He lifted his sunglasses with one wing and gave her a tiny smile. “Try not to rain on any more picnics.”
Six hours, two blue eyes, and one accidental rainstorm into her first patrol, Raindrops was trying not to hyperventilate as she stood at attention.
“This,” Commander Wind Shear bellowed as he swept a forehoof toward the sopping wet family standing in the middle of the sunny park, “was a picnic!”
The ground squished around her hooves as she squirmed. Ponyville was supposed to be the easy patrol, for first-time junior cadets.
Wind Shear flew slowly back and forth in front of her, never breaking what must have been a withering stare from behind his mirrored aviators. “And what is your name, Cadet?”
She squeaked, then cleared her throat. “Raindrops, sir.”
“Raindrops, huh?” He landed and stepped closer. “Can you tell me, Raindrops, what was today’s forecast?”
She took a deep breath. “Perfect Picnic Weather! Warm sun, lazy drifting clouds, and just enough breeze to tease your mane.”
“That is the copy we sent the newspapers!” He leaned back and raised one eyebrow. “And do you know what you did wrong?”
“I kicked when I should have bucked!” She remained at attention, studying his stonelike expression for a full ten seconds. “I, uh, bucked when I should have kicked?” She gulped. I got distracted by a cute stallion…
Wind Shear bent down and stuck his muzzle in Raindrops’ face. “Look at that family.”
Raindrops closed her eyes and exhaled, then leaned to the side and peered around her commanding officer-slash-camp counselor. Two foals were splashing around in the grass, cackling in delight. A stallion and a mare began chasing them around a soaked picnic blanket, but soon it was unclear who was chasing whom. Meanwhile, a stallion about her age was flipping his wet bangs from one side of his face to the other, grinning at Raindrops in between each flip.
She didn’t realize she was smiling back until Commander Wind Shear took a deep breath and hollered, “Does this AMUSE you?”
Her ears immediately folded back. “N-no! No, I—”
“Do those soggy sandwiches look delicious to you?”
She glanced back to the picnic. The saturated white bread looked like it had melted in the sun. The same sun that was sparkling off the young stallion’s coat as he winked at her with a sly grin on his muzzle.
Raindrops bit her lip and tried not to smile. She jumped as Wind Shear got in her face again and shouted, “Do you ENJOY waterlogged potato salad? Do you understand how serious this is?”
“No, sir! I-I mean, yes, sir! I—”
The young stallion moonwalked behind the Weather Patrol Commander, splashing water behind each of his hooves as he slid backwards across the grass.
Raindrops stifled a giggle.
“Is this FUNNY to you, Cadet?” He was so close, Raindrops could see her blushing reflection in his sunglasses.
“No, sir! The stallion behind you is trying to make me laugh.”
Commander Wind Shear worked his jaw, then turned around. The young stallion quickly looked away, whistling and swinging a hoof idly. Wind Shear turned back around and scowled. “Oh, yes. That guy is hi-larious.”
Raindrops huffed and stomped her forehoof with a splash. The stallion turned back around and winked at her again.
“This is serious, young lady! You have…”
She found it hard to pay attention to the commander, as her eyes followed the young stallion. He trotted away from his family’s picnic, then planted his hooves and started galloping toward the pair of weather ponies. He leapt forward, keeping his forward momentum through his landing, skating across the slick grass with his legs all stiff as boards. He slid just behind Commander Wind Shear, blowing a kiss to Raindrops as he passed.
Raindrops turned back to Wind Shear with wide eyes just in time to hear, “…and what are you going to do to make it right?”
She stood tall and saluted. “I’m sorry, sir. I’ve let you down. I’m going to buy him lunch. Them lunch. I’m going to buy them lunch and apologize.”
The commander nodded. “You see that you do. Oh, and Cadet?”
“Yes, sir?” From the corner of her eyes, she could see the young stallion pumping his forehooves in the air.
He lifted his sunglasses with one wing and gave her a tiny smile. “Try not to rain on any more picnics.”
Pics
A story about Raindrops? That never happens.
This was pretty fluffy, though. Nice and fluffy.
I feel like there's not much to be said about it, though. This is a somewhat humorous slice-of-life about Raindrops, nothing more and nothing less. Not much in the way of negatives, but also not much that stands out.
But, okay, I'll point out a couple things while I'm at it.
You don't have to both italicize something and put it in all caps. You can do one or the other, but it looks wrong and unprofessional when you do both. Funny, considering this story is about professionalism.
Also, the last sentence did not quite hit the way I think it was meant to. My reaction was basically, "Okay," as opposed to something stronger.
Still, it's aight.
I'm feeling a very feathery 7 on this.
This was pretty fluffy, though. Nice and fluffy.
I feel like there's not much to be said about it, though. This is a somewhat humorous slice-of-life about Raindrops, nothing more and nothing less. Not much in the way of negatives, but also not much that stands out.
But, okay, I'll point out a couple things while I'm at it.
You don't have to both italicize something and put it in all caps. You can do one or the other, but it looks wrong and unprofessional when you do both. Funny, considering this story is about professionalism.
Also, the last sentence did not quite hit the way I think it was meant to. My reaction was basically, "Okay," as opposed to something stronger.
Still, it's aight.
I'm feeling a very feathery 7 on this.
Genre: Crushin'
Thoughts: While I can appreciate the fluffy crush aspects of this, I feel like it could've done with a bit more worldbuilding. Raindrops' motivation to participate in the whole weather team thing was pretty ephemeral. It carries less weight to have her raging (hormonally) against the (proverbial) machine if we don't know why she cares about the machine in the first place.
But hey, this is nitpicking. What you've got here is a very functional little slice of cute. Tune it up a little and this could soar.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: While I can appreciate the fluffy crush aspects of this, I feel like it could've done with a bit more worldbuilding. Raindrops' motivation to participate in the whole weather team thing was pretty ephemeral. It carries less weight to have her raging (hormonally) against the (proverbial) machine if we don't know why she cares about the machine in the first place.
But hey, this is nitpicking. What you've got here is a very functional little slice of cute. Tune it up a little and this could soar.
Tier: Almost There
This is a very Equestrian story, and I mean that in a very positive sense. Where else could a drill sergeant come down on a recruit like a ton of bricks for botching magical weather control? All told, very cute indeed.
I like the hyperbole in Commander Wind Shear. A drill sergeant nasty (see TVTropes for description, if you don't already know), merely in charge of the weather team? Sold! Raindrops making a stupidly hilarious error all over the poor picnicking family? Sold! And it's kind of funny how she keeps being distracted by the stallion. Maybe I'll buy that too...
But it fizzles out after a while, and the fun dies down with it. Who is this stallion? My imagination kept delaying it because I was waiting for the namedrop so I could picture his face, but it never came, and the text really didn't do anything interesting with him (he's basically a device to make Raindrops muck things up; I don't have a clue who he is as a character, which made me lukewarm towards his antics at best). And the fic doesn't so much end on a punchline as it just goes over and over these themes and then finally stop. The flair in the scenario and in the writing runs out about halfway through.
I'll call it a near-solid entry, not a solid one, because it did start very well and Wind Shear versus Raindrops is a lot of fun. I wish it had maintained that quality throughout, though. Maybe if anything actually developed, or if some new twist was introduced to keep it fresh later on, or at least we had any idea what she saw in that stallion, it would jump up a rank.
But it fizzles out after a while, and the fun dies down with it. Who is this stallion? My imagination kept delaying it because I was waiting for the namedrop so I could picture his face, but it never came, and the text really didn't do anything interesting with him (he's basically a device to make Raindrops muck things up; I don't have a clue who he is as a character, which made me lukewarm towards his antics at best). And the fic doesn't so much end on a punchline as it just goes over and over these themes and then finally stop. The flair in the scenario and in the writing runs out about halfway through.
I'll call it a near-solid entry, not a solid one, because it did start very well and Wind Shear versus Raindrops is a lot of fun. I wish it had maintained that quality throughout, though. Maybe if anything actually developed, or if some new twist was introduced to keep it fresh later on, or at least we had any idea what she saw in that stallion, it would jump up a rank.
I like this, despite the dramatic irony. It has character. My only complaint is that it feels more like an intro into a longer piece than a self-contained story, because the ending is really only the beginning of the action the audience is being promised.
This really clicked with me. It's humble and cute, but it also does a great job as a slice of life. The irony feels a bit poignant, in that the chief is the only one bothered by the mishap, while everypony else is finding an unexpected bright side to it.
The last line feels like the wrong note to end on. I'm actually not sure what the smile is about. The smug condescension of a disciplinarian? He's proud of his little pun? Or wink-wink-nudge-nudge he knows what Raindrops is checking out even if his words pretend otherwise? Whatever it is, I think it draws too much attention to himself, since most of the fic is about her ignoring him. And in another way, it seems to be trying to wrap up the story neatly at the end, while I think it would serve the rhythm better by having it trail off instead. Sorry if that sounds kind of abstract, slice of life stories are tricky to dissect.
I'm only focusing on this one weakness because I liked the rest so much. Just not a fan of ending it on that last line, which I suspect may leave the reader with a mysterious sense of disappointment, rather than appreciation.
The last line feels like the wrong note to end on. I'm actually not sure what the smile is about. The smug condescension of a disciplinarian? He's proud of his little pun? Or wink-wink-nudge-nudge he knows what Raindrops is checking out even if his words pretend otherwise? Whatever it is, I think it draws too much attention to himself, since most of the fic is about her ignoring him. And in another way, it seems to be trying to wrap up the story neatly at the end, while I think it would serve the rhythm better by having it trail off instead. Sorry if that sounds kind of abstract, slice of life stories are tricky to dissect.
I'm only focusing on this one weakness because I liked the rest so much. Just not a fan of ending it on that last line, which I suspect may leave the reader with a mysterious sense of disappointment, rather than appreciation.
>>FanOfMostEverything
This right here is the best compliment I could have hoped for! I wanted to do something lighthearted and cute. I felt like my previous entries had all been dark and wanted to do something different. I wanted something that would fit into the world and the show.
>>No_Raisin
>>Moosetasm
>>Haze
>>Posh
Yes, I can see my Raindrops minifig from my computer!
And the last line didn't hit the way I intended it.
That was what I was going for.
>>CoffeeMinion
She's a teenage pegasus with a weather-related name. What more reason does she need to be in a weather-related summer camp? I didn't feel like that was worth wasting words on.
That's exactly what I was going for!
>>BlueChameleonVI
I don't feel like it's important to know who the stallion is. After all, she doesn't know who he is.
Yeah, I'd have liked to go somewhere with it, but I don't really know where to go in so few words. I wanted a tiny story for the tiny word limit, and I don't feel like I needed the colt to be anything more than a prop for the story between Raindrops and Wind Shear.
>>Trick_Question
Isn't that the difficult part? Making a complete story that doesn't feel like just an intro. Well, that's why we're here, to practice, practice, practice...
Thanks all for your comments!
This is a very Equestrian story, and I mean that in a very positive sense.
This right here is the best compliment I could have hoped for! I wanted to do something lighthearted and cute. I felt like my previous entries had all been dark and wanted to do something different. I wanted something that would fit into the world and the show.
>>No_Raisin
>>Moosetasm
>>Haze
>>Posh
Yes, I can see my Raindrops minifig from my computer!
And the last line didn't hit the way I intended it.
Or wink-wink-nudge-nudge he knows what Raindrops is checking out even if his words pretend otherwise?
That was what I was going for.
>>CoffeeMinion
She's a teenage pegasus with a weather-related name. What more reason does she need to be in a weather-related summer camp? I didn't feel like that was worth wasting words on.
What you've got here is a very functional little slice of cute.
That's exactly what I was going for!
>>BlueChameleonVI
I don't feel like it's important to know who the stallion is. After all, she doesn't know who he is.
Yeah, I'd have liked to go somewhere with it, but I don't really know where to go in so few words. I wanted a tiny story for the tiny word limit, and I don't feel like I needed the colt to be anything more than a prop for the story between Raindrops and Wind Shear.
>>Trick_Question
Isn't that the difficult part? Making a complete story that doesn't feel like just an intro. Well, that's why we're here, to practice, practice, practice...
Thanks all for your comments!