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The Perfect Day: A Retrospective
Allow me some time to reflect
On this task that I failed to perfect,
A performance review, just a quick thought or two
on my actions to date: maybe five-out-of-eight,
I’ll complain, since my odds weren’t the best
It starts with a principal need:
Each one of my subjects must feed
On the love of a host, and we’ll follow the most,
Such a wonderful treat, so delicious and sweet
and a gastric delight to digest!
We’d been living from meal to meal,
After time, we had started to feel
all our bellies go numb, and we’d slowly succumb
to a ravenous plight and our vast appetite
was exposed to the ultimate test
With gripes from my minions galore,
At last I could stand it no more,
So I said: “Pack it in with your miserable din!
If one more of you whines, well, then nobody dines!”
and those miscreants had to contest!
I didn’t have time to delay,
My minions were starving away,
So I risked my own life, braving perilous strife,
(And I don’t really see how those grubs deserve me)
Among mothers, I’m likely the best
Equestria was full of the stuff,
All loving and friendship and fluff,
An amorous hoard, a mush smorgasbord
that could feed a whole hive, keep my minions alive
and, for now, put our hunger to rest
I had to tread lightly from there,
The ponies remained unaware,
But by raising their guard, they were making it hard,
Yet I had to succeed; I had children to feed,
and it all made me terribly stressed
But luck favored me all the same,
It gave me an edge I could claim:
One stallion to ward against my hungry hoard,
With a slip of his will, I could conquer them, still!
And they’d bow at my sovereign behest!
There lingered a hitch from the start:
A princess had stolen his heart,
The pair soon to marry, I’d have to be wary,
Before they were wed, I must stand in her stead,
And so snatch his heart from the rest
To convince her I wasn’t a fraud,
I put on my finest facade,
A blue tail and mane, (such a terrible pain)
Imitate her betrothed, (whom I honestly loathed)
Yet, for my brood’s sake, I progressed
In secret, I locked her below,
so slyly that no one would know
that I’d taken her place and had stolen her face,
Now the prince was in reach, soon my subjects would breach
through the wall I had grown to detest
Now, I think it’s important to say
that my spawn had done nothing all day,
They waited around, sniffing holes in the ground,
While I slaved for their food, my impossible brood
thought that they were the ones overstressed!
Were my progeny ready to fight?
Well, they’d gotten to sleep overnight,
Their resolve had been weak, their appearances meek,
All those spineless ingrates were well-earning their fates
For thinking themselves dispossessed
Once, I thought I could go it alone,
(a rash choice I no longer condone),
Right before my mistake, I became wide awake,
I’d be only a fool, without subjects to rule,
or a harlequin sideshow at best
When at last the Big Day had arrived,
My children were gaunt and deprived,
And I crooned: “Very soon, wait for Mama at noon,”
Trusting them to join in and account for their sin
knowing they’d likely feel hard-pressed
At long last, I shed my veneer,
And my beauty was stunningly clear,
Ponies tried to resist, but were forced to desist,
For my power had grown—even more than I’d known!
through the stallion whom I had possessed
My minions descended in swarm,
A cloud that could rival a storm,
Their hum filled the air, filling hearts with despair,
And I watched from above while they feasted on love,
I’ll admit: I felt proud, and so blessed
My plan was working just fine,
The day was about to be mine!
But the very last minute they started to win it,
Don’t know what befell—it was going so well!
But, with dignity, I acquiesced
I’ve been among ponies too long
now I’ve started dictating in song,
This insufferable rhyme is just wasting my time,
Better sod off to bed ‘fore it’s stuck in my head—
Now begone, for your Queen needs her rest!
On this task that I failed to perfect,
A performance review, just a quick thought or two
on my actions to date: maybe five-out-of-eight,
I’ll complain, since my odds weren’t the best
It starts with a principal need:
Each one of my subjects must feed
On the love of a host, and we’ll follow the most,
Such a wonderful treat, so delicious and sweet
and a gastric delight to digest!
We’d been living from meal to meal,
After time, we had started to feel
all our bellies go numb, and we’d slowly succumb
to a ravenous plight and our vast appetite
was exposed to the ultimate test
With gripes from my minions galore,
At last I could stand it no more,
So I said: “Pack it in with your miserable din!
If one more of you whines, well, then nobody dines!”
and those miscreants had to contest!
I didn’t have time to delay,
My minions were starving away,
So I risked my own life, braving perilous strife,
(And I don’t really see how those grubs deserve me)
Among mothers, I’m likely the best
Equestria was full of the stuff,
All loving and friendship and fluff,
An amorous hoard, a mush smorgasbord
that could feed a whole hive, keep my minions alive
and, for now, put our hunger to rest
I had to tread lightly from there,
The ponies remained unaware,
But by raising their guard, they were making it hard,
Yet I had to succeed; I had children to feed,
and it all made me terribly stressed
But luck favored me all the same,
It gave me an edge I could claim:
One stallion to ward against my hungry hoard,
With a slip of his will, I could conquer them, still!
And they’d bow at my sovereign behest!
There lingered a hitch from the start:
A princess had stolen his heart,
The pair soon to marry, I’d have to be wary,
Before they were wed, I must stand in her stead,
And so snatch his heart from the rest
To convince her I wasn’t a fraud,
I put on my finest facade,
A blue tail and mane, (such a terrible pain)
Imitate her betrothed, (whom I honestly loathed)
Yet, for my brood’s sake, I progressed
In secret, I locked her below,
so slyly that no one would know
that I’d taken her place and had stolen her face,
Now the prince was in reach, soon my subjects would breach
through the wall I had grown to detest
Now, I think it’s important to say
that my spawn had done nothing all day,
They waited around, sniffing holes in the ground,
While I slaved for their food, my impossible brood
thought that they were the ones overstressed!
Were my progeny ready to fight?
Well, they’d gotten to sleep overnight,
Their resolve had been weak, their appearances meek,
All those spineless ingrates were well-earning their fates
For thinking themselves dispossessed
Once, I thought I could go it alone,
(a rash choice I no longer condone),
Right before my mistake, I became wide awake,
I’d be only a fool, without subjects to rule,
or a harlequin sideshow at best
When at last the Big Day had arrived,
My children were gaunt and deprived,
And I crooned: “Very soon, wait for Mama at noon,”
Trusting them to join in and account for their sin
knowing they’d likely feel hard-pressed
At long last, I shed my veneer,
And my beauty was stunningly clear,
Ponies tried to resist, but were forced to desist,
For my power had grown—even more than I’d known!
through the stallion whom I had possessed
My minions descended in swarm,
A cloud that could rival a storm,
Their hum filled the air, filling hearts with despair,
And I watched from above while they feasted on love,
I’ll admit: I felt proud, and so blessed
My plan was working just fine,
The day was about to be mine!
But the very last minute they started to win it,
Don’t know what befell—it was going so well!
But, with dignity, I acquiesced
I’ve been among ponies too long
now I’ve started dictating in song,
This insufferable rhyme is just wasting my time,
Better sod off to bed ‘fore it’s stuck in my head—
Now begone, for your Queen needs her rest!
Pics
Oh, more poetry. What are the odds?
Huh. I’ve never seen this rhyme scheme before. Its similarity to limericks keeps throwing me off when I hit the fourth line of a stanza and it doesn’t rhyme with the first.
In all, it’s definitely cleaner than the previous one, but it’s still poetry for the sake of poetry and no other reason. I do like the idea of Chrysalis dictating this to some manner of hive historian (complete with grousing about her ungrateful spawn to one of those spawn, which seems perfectly in character,) but it’s still basically a rhythmic rehash of “A Canterlot Wedding.” Competent, but nothing especially notable beyond the structural flourishes.
Huh. I’ve never seen this rhyme scheme before. Its similarity to limericks keeps throwing me off when I hit the fourth line of a stanza and it doesn’t rhyme with the first.
In all, it’s definitely cleaner than the previous one, but it’s still poetry for the sake of poetry and no other reason. I do like the idea of Chrysalis dictating this to some manner of hive historian (complete with grousing about her ungrateful spawn to one of those spawn, which seems perfectly in character,) but it’s still basically a rhythmic rehash of “A Canterlot Wedding.” Competent, but nothing especially notable beyond the structural flourishes.
Post by
No_Raisin
, deleted
Post by
No_Raisin
, deleted
>>No_Raisin
Normally, I don't dare to critique a critique, and not only because we all have our biases and likes and dislikes, fair enough, and we can't bloat the comments beyond all reason, and no one should feel like they can't give an honest opinion. Most of all, I also feel flat-out unqualified to do so, and I don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black.
But... Really? If you're reviewing the thing, it would be more gracious to actually review it as a thing. Some poor devil worked on this; I can't speak for them, but I think they would appreciate at least some semblance of constructive feedback. To be honest, if this were a comment to one of my own, I'd be deeply disappointed.
OK, moving on. Back to you, author.
Fair enough, there is the question of why you wrote this as a poem. Unlike prose, it's atypical, so we usually assume some special reason for it. It's not a fatal question, by any means, and at least it's a fun change of pace. The problem I see here is in the odd scheme you used. Each stanza starts rhyming faster as it nears the end, and while that gives it a running, jaunty feel at the start, after a while it's just too distracting. The actual content doesn't feel like it benefits from speeding up at those specific points, like she's always getting stressed and then winding down, so the discrepancy becomes confusing and even slightly irritating after a while.
As for the content, I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything's assessment. The little flourishes of characterization (Chrysalis being a spoiled brat who complains about her "ungrateful" subjects is totally believable) and the sort of weird villain humour are lovely little touches that help the perspective. But ultimately, this is a retelling of A Canterlot Wedding with a new POV and a stylish twist. My point is, beyond that, it doesn't feel substantial enough.
I mean, if you'd elaborated more on those flourishes, turned them from icing into cake, I might like it a lot more as a standalone piece. Capitalize on those asides more, and maybe give it some deeper or more overarching purpose. For instance, you strongly hint that Chrysalis is highly resentful of her hive despite performing her duty. Great! That could feature more in the action, such as her dealing with a mutiny or punishing changelings for minor infractions. And there could be a broader theme to this, like examining her hubris or emphasizing the irony of a love-eating creature being such an unlikeable bitch.
The retelling of the double-parter and the choice to use a counterproductive poetic structure drag this fic down to mid-tier for me, but a high mid-tier. I did, ultimately, enjoy reading it, and you deserve credit for that. Those two elements need to be reconsidered, though, if you want to make a starring entry out of this material.
Normally, I don't dare to critique a critique, and not only because we all have our biases and likes and dislikes, fair enough, and we can't bloat the comments beyond all reason, and no one should feel like they can't give an honest opinion. Most of all, I also feel flat-out unqualified to do so, and I don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black.
But... Really? If you're reviewing the thing, it would be more gracious to actually review it as a thing. Some poor devil worked on this; I can't speak for them, but I think they would appreciate at least some semblance of constructive feedback. To be honest, if this were a comment to one of my own, I'd be deeply disappointed.
OK, moving on. Back to you, author.
Fair enough, there is the question of why you wrote this as a poem. Unlike prose, it's atypical, so we usually assume some special reason for it. It's not a fatal question, by any means, and at least it's a fun change of pace. The problem I see here is in the odd scheme you used. Each stanza starts rhyming faster as it nears the end, and while that gives it a running, jaunty feel at the start, after a while it's just too distracting. The actual content doesn't feel like it benefits from speeding up at those specific points, like she's always getting stressed and then winding down, so the discrepancy becomes confusing and even slightly irritating after a while.
As for the content, I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything's assessment. The little flourishes of characterization (Chrysalis being a spoiled brat who complains about her "ungrateful" subjects is totally believable) and the sort of weird villain humour are lovely little touches that help the perspective. But ultimately, this is a retelling of A Canterlot Wedding with a new POV and a stylish twist. My point is, beyond that, it doesn't feel substantial enough.
I mean, if you'd elaborated more on those flourishes, turned them from icing into cake, I might like it a lot more as a standalone piece. Capitalize on those asides more, and maybe give it some deeper or more overarching purpose. For instance, you strongly hint that Chrysalis is highly resentful of her hive despite performing her duty. Great! That could feature more in the action, such as her dealing with a mutiny or punishing changelings for minor infractions. And there could be a broader theme to this, like examining her hubris or emphasizing the irony of a love-eating creature being such an unlikeable bitch.
The retelling of the double-parter and the choice to use a counterproductive poetic structure drag this fic down to mid-tier for me, but a high mid-tier. I did, ultimately, enjoy reading it, and you deserve credit for that. Those two elements need to be reconsidered, though, if you want to make a starring entry out of this material.
Without the poetry gimmick this wouldn't be much of a story. It's a retelling of events from the show from Chryssi's perspective, but there isn't enough new material to make it very original. It needs more content. However, this is about as long as a poem of this sort can get without becoming annoying, so I wouldn't suggest lengthening it; I'd try to revise it to remove and reframe all those parts the audience already knows about.
This is the first (and probably only) time I'm redoing a review for this contest, so that's cool.
At some point I realized this was just a recap of the Canterlot Wedding, but from Chrysalis's perspective, who for some reason is telling it through rhyme. I don't know if this is is supposed to be a reference to This Day Aria, it might be, but this is a poem and not a song (at least I think so) so the connection is kind of missing.
Chrysalis also sounds British at times, which is weird. Her characterization here would be believable, if not for the fact that season 6 happened and we know she's not as forgiving as she seemed to be here.
Chrysalis is not the kind of person (changeling) to admit when she's made an error.
I suppose we get some extra info about the dynamic between her and her hoard, whom she regarded here as minions, appropriate enough, but I feel like my suspension of disbelief with her characterization is being pushed a bit too far.
The rhyming, now this is hard for me to judge, because it's actually more complex than the other poem in this contest, and I do like how the last lines of every stanza rhyme with each other, but the flow of all this is also kind of wonky and fractured. Just when I think I'm flowing with how I read this poem there's a suddenly aborted rhyme that messes everything up.
This poem could have been simpler and more banal than it is, though, so I appreciate the effort, now that I've been able to get over my intense bias against poetry entries. Took me two days, but better late than never I guess.
I'm feeling a strong 5 to a light 6 on this.
At some point I realized this was just a recap of the Canterlot Wedding, but from Chrysalis's perspective, who for some reason is telling it through rhyme. I don't know if this is is supposed to be a reference to This Day Aria, it might be, but this is a poem and not a song (at least I think so) so the connection is kind of missing.
Chrysalis also sounds British at times, which is weird. Her characterization here would be believable, if not for the fact that season 6 happened and we know she's not as forgiving as she seemed to be here.
Chrysalis is not the kind of person (changeling) to admit when she's made an error.
I suppose we get some extra info about the dynamic between her and her hoard, whom she regarded here as minions, appropriate enough, but I feel like my suspension of disbelief with her characterization is being pushed a bit too far.
The rhyming, now this is hard for me to judge, because it's actually more complex than the other poem in this contest, and I do like how the last lines of every stanza rhyme with each other, but the flow of all this is also kind of wonky and fractured. Just when I think I'm flowing with how I read this poem there's a suddenly aborted rhyme that messes everything up.
This poem could have been simpler and more banal than it is, though, so I appreciate the effort, now that I've been able to get over my intense bias against poetry entries. Took me two days, but better late than never I guess.
I'm feeling a strong 5 to a light 6 on this.
Genre: Poetry
Thoughts: I like this, this is nice. It's simple from a plot perspective, but the rhyme scheme makes it interesting. Yes, it's a bit of a retelling of an episode, but the thing at the end talking about why she's rhyming does set something new forward. Plus we get inside her head a bit, which isn't bad at all.
I feel like it's missing something, though. Unhelpfully, I'm not sure what it is. If I can think of it, I'll post back.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I like this, this is nice. It's simple from a plot perspective, but the rhyme scheme makes it interesting. Yes, it's a bit of a retelling of an episode, but the thing at the end talking about why she's rhyming does set something new forward. Plus we get inside her head a bit, which isn't bad at all.
I feel like it's missing something, though. Unhelpfully, I'm not sure what it is. If I can think of it, I'll post back.
Tier: Almost There
The Perfect Day: A Retrospective: Retrospective
Whew, I almost feel like I can take the first stanza of this story and apply it to this response (though a five-out-of-eight might be a bit too generous in this case). First off, I'm humbled and grateful to everybody who took the time to read and review this schlock.
Alrighty, time for some damage control!
>>FanOfMostEverything
It is pretty surprising we managed to get two poetry entries in this round. Upon seeing the other poem, I was so glad somebody had decided to join me in this little corner of insanity so that we could huddle together and watch our entries smolder away beneath the comments.
But why did it have to be a poem to begin with? Simple answer: I woke up that Saturday morning with a fragment of a rhyme in my head, and the rest of the poem blossomed out of it. Simpler answer: It didn't have to be a poem, but I had fun making it. Maybe I had a little too much fun letting Dr. Seuss take the wheel on certain lines, while others felt like yanking prosaic teeth out of my mouth. I put so much focus on forcing the rhymes to work that the story fell to the wayside, ultimately relying too heavily on source material, as >>Pascoite can attest. Glad to know some bits of it were still fun to you!
>>BlueChameleonVI
Ah, my fellow experimental poet! Glad you stopped by to offer your thoughts. You're correct in that this rhyme scheme seems ill-fitted to this story, and unfortunately I don't have a great justification for it. Once again, I wanted to try something that was unfamiliar to me (as you seem to have done as well). I wanted something with a bounce, and spent so much time wondering if I could that I didn't stop to think whether I should, to vaguely quote Jeff Goldblum. Though I'm sure somebody has used this scheme before, I've never seen it.
For the story, I wanted to use the Canterlot Wedding as a framing device to layer in a new, unique perspective from Chrys, displaying her as at once both the grouchy ruler and oddly-devoted mother. But, as the poem took over, I began to lean too heavily on known material for support, leaving only scraps of the originality I wanted to include.
If I send it through the wringer again, these are the two main issues that will be ironed out, though I somewhat doubt that it'll retain its poetic form. As I think we both learned, poetry can be a testy endeavor. Thanks for sharing in its struggle with me!
>>Trick_Question
Yup. Definitely agree with the length being an issue. It was right on the border of my patience at 4 a.m., that's for sure!
>>No_Raisin
So...
When I saw your first comment, I kinda shrugged it off. It's difficult to win over somebody's tastes on an experiment. But I wholly appreciate the brutal honesty that came with it.
I'm also glad you decided to come back for a re-review to let me know that you didn't hold some deep, personal grudge against me for the monster that I'd created.
The bits where you see where Chrysalis' characterization get pushed is, I believe, where I tried bending the story so that it became something other than a rehash. It wasn't very tactful, I'll grant you, and it tread over her character unceremoniously in spots. If I remake this in the future, I'm going to push those elements further as an alternate-universe version of Chrysalis, because I had an awful lot of fun imagining her that way.
You also noticed certain rhymes were fractured and jarring, which I'll chock up to being a product of the unorthodox rhyme scheme I attempted to use. If you saw the rougher cut of this, you'd be pulling your hair out; I had contorted words to the point where they were practically licking their own backsides.
>>CoffeeMinion
Hey, I'm glad you got an overall positive vibe from this little ditty! Your concerns are warranted, and likely addressed in the previous replies.
Thanks again for stopping by to read and comment, all of you! Some might say it was ill-advised to post this story to the write-off at all, but there are always so many helpful people like you to offer constructive feedback and help folks develop their techniques. The hope is with each new failure, there's the prospect of a new success. I may not try poetry again for a while (though I might slip in a smaller dose) but this was a delight nonetheless!
(Oh, and the art piece that this inspired pretty much made the whole experiment worthwhile on its own. Major props to the artist!)
Whew, I almost feel like I can take the first stanza of this story and apply it to this response (though a five-out-of-eight might be a bit too generous in this case). First off, I'm humbled and grateful to everybody who took the time to read and review this schlock.
Alrighty, time for some damage control!
>>FanOfMostEverything
It is pretty surprising we managed to get two poetry entries in this round. Upon seeing the other poem, I was so glad somebody had decided to join me in this little corner of insanity so that we could huddle together and watch our entries smolder away beneath the comments.
But why did it have to be a poem to begin with? Simple answer: I woke up that Saturday morning with a fragment of a rhyme in my head, and the rest of the poem blossomed out of it. Simpler answer: It didn't have to be a poem, but I had fun making it. Maybe I had a little too much fun letting Dr. Seuss take the wheel on certain lines, while others felt like yanking prosaic teeth out of my mouth. I put so much focus on forcing the rhymes to work that the story fell to the wayside, ultimately relying too heavily on source material, as >>Pascoite can attest. Glad to know some bits of it were still fun to you!
>>BlueChameleonVI
Ah, my fellow experimental poet! Glad you stopped by to offer your thoughts. You're correct in that this rhyme scheme seems ill-fitted to this story, and unfortunately I don't have a great justification for it. Once again, I wanted to try something that was unfamiliar to me (as you seem to have done as well). I wanted something with a bounce, and spent so much time wondering if I could that I didn't stop to think whether I should, to vaguely quote Jeff Goldblum. Though I'm sure somebody has used this scheme before, I've never seen it.
For the story, I wanted to use the Canterlot Wedding as a framing device to layer in a new, unique perspective from Chrys, displaying her as at once both the grouchy ruler and oddly-devoted mother. But, as the poem took over, I began to lean too heavily on known material for support, leaving only scraps of the originality I wanted to include.
If I send it through the wringer again, these are the two main issues that will be ironed out, though I somewhat doubt that it'll retain its poetic form. As I think we both learned, poetry can be a testy endeavor. Thanks for sharing in its struggle with me!
>>Trick_Question
Yup. Definitely agree with the length being an issue. It was right on the border of my patience at 4 a.m., that's for sure!
>>No_Raisin
So...
When I saw your first comment, I kinda shrugged it off. It's difficult to win over somebody's tastes on an experiment. But I wholly appreciate the brutal honesty that came with it.
I'm also glad you decided to come back for a re-review to let me know that you didn't hold some deep, personal grudge against me for the monster that I'd created.
The bits where you see where Chrysalis' characterization get pushed is, I believe, where I tried bending the story so that it became something other than a rehash. It wasn't very tactful, I'll grant you, and it tread over her character unceremoniously in spots. If I remake this in the future, I'm going to push those elements further as an alternate-universe version of Chrysalis, because I had an awful lot of fun imagining her that way.
You also noticed certain rhymes were fractured and jarring, which I'll chock up to being a product of the unorthodox rhyme scheme I attempted to use. If you saw the rougher cut of this, you'd be pulling your hair out; I had contorted words to the point where they were practically licking their own backsides.
>>CoffeeMinion
Hey, I'm glad you got an overall positive vibe from this little ditty! Your concerns are warranted, and likely addressed in the previous replies.
Thanks again for stopping by to read and comment, all of you! Some might say it was ill-advised to post this story to the write-off at all, but there are always so many helpful people like you to offer constructive feedback and help folks develop their techniques. The hope is with each new failure, there's the prospect of a new success. I may not try poetry again for a while (though I might slip in a smaller dose) but this was a delight nonetheless!
(Oh, and the art piece that this inspired pretty much made the whole experiment worthwhile on its own. Major props to the artist!)
>>Rocket Lawn Chair
Not at all. Always a pleasure to meet a fellow aficionado. I'm at least glad my critique was helpful, but ah! Never let the verse die, comrade!
Not at all. Always a pleasure to meet a fellow aficionado. I'm at least glad my critique was helpful, but ah! Never let the verse die, comrade!