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Left Behind
Space is vast. It’s so vast that most ponies can’t wrap their heads around it. Not when rapid trans-dimensional teleportation drives mean that a system hop only takes a few weeks. You can stand on a viewing platform, with dark voids in every direction, and not understand how truly large real emptiness is. Not from the safety of our ships.
I’ve been on spacewalks before, standard procedure for repair and maintenance on some of the larger vessels. I’ve looked down from the hull of a of a starliner and seen how tiny a planet looks from orbit, how vulnerable it is.
But I still didn’t know. I thought I did, but I didn’t. Not until I watched the thruster lights of the Cosmic Ray vanish into infinity.
The two other ships, visible only as curtains of black against the starscape, each made their ponderous turns to follow the Ray and vanished after it. I grinned smugly. They wouldn’t catch her. Even damaged, she was a fast ship. Modified propulsion engines would barley be good enough to keep her on the scope for a few days.
But that was more time than I had.
Reaching up I tapped the side of my helmet and the HUD flickered to purple life. A female voice immediately started screaming into my ear. “-et you do that Skylander! Even if-- What happened to the ship, Chrome?”
I grinned. “They got away.”
“What?” said the voice. My HUD flickered again and a translucent purple pony stood in front of me, just out of hoof’s reach. “You actually did it? Then why are we out here?”
“Stupid mistake. One of the emitters must’ve been damaged when they hit us. The shield didn’t cover us and we slid right off when they went to warp.”
“Oh.” she said, the pony on my HUD folding her ears back and looking away. “So, they don’t even know we’re back here.”
“Probably not.” I said. I resisted the urge to scratch at my left leg, reminding myself that if I couldn’t feel a micro meteoroid through it I wouldn’t feel a scratch. “Doesn’t really matter through. They don’t have the time to backtrack with Kirin on their tail.”
“Are you okay?”
I glanced down at my left leg. “Physically, sure. For now. I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that infection though.”
“I’ll try tuning the air scrubbers. I think I can get a few more hours out of them. If we’re lucky the Ray can shake the Kirin and make their way back.”
I shook my head, “Don’t bother. The drive’s operating at less than fifty percent power. They’ll never get here in time.”
“Then I’ll turn on the beacon. Somepony will see it and-”
“Spark.”
“If we reduce your temperature and oxygen we can try to approximate hypersleep for-”
“That’s not why I brought you back online.”
“There’s still a chance for rescue. You can’t give up!”
“Spark,” I said, “You know the odds. No one’s coming”
“But,” she said, her image looking side to side before focusing on my face, “if I can’t help with life support, and there’s no one coming, then- then how can I be of service?”
I stared past her into the void, out at where the ship’s lights had disappeared. My HUD zoomed in on the area. In it I could see the remains of a supernova spreading out into the cosmos thousands of years in the past. “Spark,” I said, reaching out to touch the nothingness around me, “have you ever thought about how small we really are?”
I’ve been on spacewalks before, standard procedure for repair and maintenance on some of the larger vessels. I’ve looked down from the hull of a of a starliner and seen how tiny a planet looks from orbit, how vulnerable it is.
But I still didn’t know. I thought I did, but I didn’t. Not until I watched the thruster lights of the Cosmic Ray vanish into infinity.
The two other ships, visible only as curtains of black against the starscape, each made their ponderous turns to follow the Ray and vanished after it. I grinned smugly. They wouldn’t catch her. Even damaged, she was a fast ship. Modified propulsion engines would barley be good enough to keep her on the scope for a few days.
But that was more time than I had.
Reaching up I tapped the side of my helmet and the HUD flickered to purple life. A female voice immediately started screaming into my ear. “-et you do that Skylander! Even if-- What happened to the ship, Chrome?”
I grinned. “They got away.”
“What?” said the voice. My HUD flickered again and a translucent purple pony stood in front of me, just out of hoof’s reach. “You actually did it? Then why are we out here?”
“Stupid mistake. One of the emitters must’ve been damaged when they hit us. The shield didn’t cover us and we slid right off when they went to warp.”
“Oh.” she said, the pony on my HUD folding her ears back and looking away. “So, they don’t even know we’re back here.”
“Probably not.” I said. I resisted the urge to scratch at my left leg, reminding myself that if I couldn’t feel a micro meteoroid through it I wouldn’t feel a scratch. “Doesn’t really matter through. They don’t have the time to backtrack with Kirin on their tail.”
“Are you okay?”
I glanced down at my left leg. “Physically, sure. For now. I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that infection though.”
“I’ll try tuning the air scrubbers. I think I can get a few more hours out of them. If we’re lucky the Ray can shake the Kirin and make their way back.”
I shook my head, “Don’t bother. The drive’s operating at less than fifty percent power. They’ll never get here in time.”
“Then I’ll turn on the beacon. Somepony will see it and-”
“Spark.”
“If we reduce your temperature and oxygen we can try to approximate hypersleep for-”
“That’s not why I brought you back online.”
“There’s still a chance for rescue. You can’t give up!”
“Spark,” I said, “You know the odds. No one’s coming”
“But,” she said, her image looking side to side before focusing on my face, “if I can’t help with life support, and there’s no one coming, then- then how can I be of service?”
I stared past her into the void, out at where the ship’s lights had disappeared. My HUD zoomed in on the area. In it I could see the remains of a supernova spreading out into the cosmos thousands of years in the past. “Spark,” I said, reaching out to touch the nothingness around me, “have you ever thought about how small we really are?”
Pics
I suppose the word limit precluded writing out the full H2G2 “Space is big” spiel. That and the tone of the piece.
This relies a lot on context and subtext to establish what happened, and even then some revelations come later than you probably intended. A bit more description would’ve served you well in establishing Chrome’s circumstances and the nature of Spark more explicitly. The noble tragedy works, but it’d work better if I had a stronger sense of what was actually going on
This relies a lot on context and subtext to establish what happened, and even then some revelations come later than you probably intended. A bit more description would’ve served you well in establishing Chrome’s circumstances and the nature of Spark more explicitly. The noble tragedy works, but it’d work better if I had a stronger sense of what was actually going on
So Chrome Skylander fixed something on the outside of his/her ship, allowing it to escape from some terrible enemy. But, unbeknownst to him/her, the ship was damaged in such a way that Chrome was left behind when it jumped to hyperspace or whatever.
I felt like I was missing something. Like this was a crossover with some sci-fi series or video game I don't know of. It also feels like it wasn't really a pony story. I count exactly seven words that would have to be changed to remove all traces of pony. There's no tone, themes, world, or characters to indicate that it is a pony story.
As to the story itself, the unwitting nature of Chrome's sacrifice robs it of its dramatic impact. I don't feel like this was a noble tragedy at all. The only choice he/she made was to spend his/her last hours talking to an AI rather than grasping at straws trying to get rescued.
I felt like I was missing something. Like this was a crossover with some sci-fi series or video game I don't know of. It also feels like it wasn't really a pony story. I count exactly seven words that would have to be changed to remove all traces of pony. There's no tone, themes, world, or characters to indicate that it is a pony story.
As to the story itself, the unwitting nature of Chrome's sacrifice robs it of its dramatic impact. I don't feel like this was a noble tragedy at all. The only choice he/she made was to spend his/her last hours talking to an AI rather than grasping at straws trying to get rescued.
I almost feel wrong with reviewing this, because it doesn't really count as an MLP story.
As >>Hap pointed out, the pony connection is slim at best. Why is Twilight an AI? What the purpose of Twilight of all ponies being an AI? Why even a pony in the first place? We're not given any reasons, tried as I did to find at least one.
By the end of it I got the vague impression that Chrome was going to die, but I didn't even understand why at first, and there is so little context for why any of this was happening that I ended up feeling only confused.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge sci-fi nerd, and I think ponies can (and have) work really well in a typical sci-fi setting, but this seems to me like a sci-fi flashfic with a few words changed to make it technically an MLP story.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 4 on this.
As >>Hap pointed out, the pony connection is slim at best. Why is Twilight an AI? What the purpose of Twilight of all ponies being an AI? Why even a pony in the first place? We're not given any reasons, tried as I did to find at least one.
By the end of it I got the vague impression that Chrome was going to die, but I didn't even understand why at first, and there is so little context for why any of this was happening that I ended up feeling only confused.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge sci-fi nerd, and I think ponies can (and have) work really well in a typical sci-fi setting, but this seems to me like a sci-fi flashfic with a few words changed to make it technically an MLP story.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 4 on this.
OK, first things first: is Chrome really Rainbow Dash, and Spark is Twilight Sparkle? The names seem to be clues, but that's gonna bug me all day.
I don't mind the sci-fi angle, and how the "space is big" bit leads to the realization that Chrome is doomed because the odds are so low anyone will pick them up. Having shoved that point out there, I'll reiterate what everyone else has said, in my own impeccable style. ;D
See, you clearly seem to know what's going on and how the technology works and where all this is happening. But the technical terms, so confidently placed in the story, don't come with automatic map references for the audience. We get lost. Just take the opening paragraphs, for a kick-off.
The second one I came the closest to understanding, because the spacewalk and looking down from the hull of the ship calls up some definite imagery I can cling to, so I can imagine Chrome walking on the ship with, I dunno, magneboots or something. The first one throws us "rapid trans-dimensional teleportation", which isn't too hard to parse, but then talks about a "system hop". Wait, is that the system used for teleporting people, or a star system which you actually travel or "hop" across? I've been taught to treat teleportation as practically instantaneous, so I struggle to imagine it taking weeks. But then if it's not related to teleporting, what is a system hop and why does it take weeks when there's rapid teleportation handy? Then you're jumping into a new image about looking out from a viewing platform into the vastness of space, but I'm still trying to make sense of the previous concepts, and I briefly wonder if a "viewing platform" is what you stand on to start teleporting across a system...
You get what I'm trying to convey? The fic throws all these loosely related items at us, but we're trying to piece them together all along to make sense of them, and when they don't obviously or instinctively or naturally fit together for a smooth comprehensive reading, it gets my goat. And then we get to things like the Cosmic Ray, and I flat-out spend a while imagining a big ray gun because you know something but haven't told me what the damn thing is yet.
The whole fic is like that. I like the final tragic moment of an engineer seeking solace in an AI's company, but for me it's too little too late. I don't want to be harsh on this fic, and I think you just need to slow down and help us grab the basics - risk treating us as dummies, so long as we can at least understand what's happening. Otherwise, I really want to like the elements I do understand, and I kind of do have a soft spot for sci-fi. It's just not fun to feel like you're having to play guessing games all too often.
Hopefully, you can dig up some useful gems of advice out of this mountain of verbiage. I'm not trying to do you down. I just want to convey my frustration for feedback purposes, ye ken?
I don't mind the sci-fi angle, and how the "space is big" bit leads to the realization that Chrome is doomed because the odds are so low anyone will pick them up. Having shoved that point out there, I'll reiterate what everyone else has said, in my own impeccable style. ;D
See, you clearly seem to know what's going on and how the technology works and where all this is happening. But the technical terms, so confidently placed in the story, don't come with automatic map references for the audience. We get lost. Just take the opening paragraphs, for a kick-off.
The second one I came the closest to understanding, because the spacewalk and looking down from the hull of the ship calls up some definite imagery I can cling to, so I can imagine Chrome walking on the ship with, I dunno, magneboots or something. The first one throws us "rapid trans-dimensional teleportation", which isn't too hard to parse, but then talks about a "system hop". Wait, is that the system used for teleporting people, or a star system which you actually travel or "hop" across? I've been taught to treat teleportation as practically instantaneous, so I struggle to imagine it taking weeks. But then if it's not related to teleporting, what is a system hop and why does it take weeks when there's rapid teleportation handy? Then you're jumping into a new image about looking out from a viewing platform into the vastness of space, but I'm still trying to make sense of the previous concepts, and I briefly wonder if a "viewing platform" is what you stand on to start teleporting across a system...
You get what I'm trying to convey? The fic throws all these loosely related items at us, but we're trying to piece them together all along to make sense of them, and when they don't obviously or instinctively or naturally fit together for a smooth comprehensive reading, it gets my goat. And then we get to things like the Cosmic Ray, and I flat-out spend a while imagining a big ray gun because you know something but haven't told me what the damn thing is yet.
The whole fic is like that. I like the final tragic moment of an engineer seeking solace in an AI's company, but for me it's too little too late. I don't want to be harsh on this fic, and I think you just need to slow down and help us grab the basics - risk treating us as dummies, so long as we can at least understand what's happening. Otherwise, I really want to like the elements I do understand, and I kind of do have a soft spot for sci-fi. It's just not fun to feel like you're having to play guessing games all too often.
Hopefully, you can dig up some useful gems of advice out of this mountain of verbiage. I'm not trying to do you down. I just want to convey my frustration for feedback purposes, ye ken?
What does this have to do with ponies, exactly? I don't understand how this connects to the show at all. I'm also left wondering who these undeveloped characters are and why I should care about them.
I was of the opinion, at the outset, that this was supposed to be some kind of far-flung future pony story, but I don't think that reading holds up under scrutiny. So, I'm also left scratching my head about the pony connection, which, outside of 5P4RK13, seems tenuous.
I think I'm gonna wind up abstaining on this one, sorry.
I think I'm gonna wind up abstaining on this one, sorry.