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Genre: BWAHAHAHAHHAAHAAAA
Thoughts: Yep. Yep yep yep eeeeyup.
I mean, on the one hand, this is a little bit of a one-trick pony. But on the other hand, the trick is pretty dang hilarious. There’s real-feeling-ness in the “marital” parts of this, the comic timing is tighter than a tight thing, and the ending successfully leans on its central joke without feeling cheap like a feghoot.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Yep. Yep yep yep eeeeyup.
I mean, on the one hand, this is a little bit of a one-trick pony. But on the other hand, the trick is pretty dang hilarious. There’s real-feeling-ness in the “marital” parts of this, the comic timing is tighter than a tight thing, and the ending successfully leans on its central joke without feeling cheap like a feghoot.
Tier: Top Contender
Damn...
We don't get many stories about the last Pinkie Pie clone, and they're usually on the gimmicky side, but this was something else entirely.
To get my negatives out of the way, there are a couple grammar errors in there, and while the prose is above average, there are also some awkward turns of phrase that don't quite make the landing.
Even so, the snapshot we're given of Diane's life (can we please make calling the clone Diane a thing?) is both sad and creepy, and it's surprisingly easy to sympathize with what is essentially a doppelganger.
The reveal and ending also hit the mark for me, especially the former.
Disagreeing with >>Trick_Question I think the lack of resolution is fitting.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
We don't get many stories about the last Pinkie Pie clone, and they're usually on the gimmicky side, but this was something else entirely.
To get my negatives out of the way, there are a couple grammar errors in there, and while the prose is above average, there are also some awkward turns of phrase that don't quite make the landing.
Even so, the snapshot we're given of Diane's life (can we please make calling the clone Diane a thing?) is both sad and creepy, and it's surprisingly easy to sympathize with what is essentially a doppelganger.
The reveal and ending also hit the mark for me, especially the former.
Disagreeing with >>Trick_Question I think the lack of resolution is fitting.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
She had waited outside Professor Feghoof's office while Sunburst received his grades.
This reaaaaally put me on edge. It was a serious fic up until that moment and it would have completely ruined it if you had acted upon it.
Just because you put the professor's name in there kind of put it down a notch. I’m all for references but in a fic this serious it shouldn’t be there.
Overall this story is pretty good but holy shit that grade card is a bitch. Nobody on earth puts ‘you are a big fat failure. Have a nice day :)’.
I do enjoy the parts with Cherry in it and having her cheer up sunburst. It was sweet... like cherries 🤔
Hmm... Possible reference to the Bush Sr. vomiting incident? The broccoli definitely seems like a tip-off there.
This one's more of a between-meal snack than a seven-course dinner, even by minific standards. There's just not much there, at least not in comparison to the final event that washes out the taste of everything that came before it. (And it doesn’t do so with water.) Between the typos and Sunrise’s mid-dinner shift to genderlessness, it could’ve done with another round of prep work before being served.
This one's more of a between-meal snack than a seven-course dinner, even by minific standards. There's just not much there, at least not in comparison to the final event that washes out the taste of everything that came before it. (And it doesn’t do so with water.) Between the typos and Sunrise’s mid-dinner shift to genderlessness, it could’ve done with another round of prep work before being served.
Genre: Starlight’s Epistle to the Bromans, Chapter 10, Verse 8, where we read:
Thoughts: My #1 impression here is that we’re given a tiny taste of a larger work that I would like to read. However, that’s much more because of how it’s set up at the beginning and delivered in the middle than because of the Fluttershy thing at the end. For some reason that bit sticks out as being really off to me, though I couldn’t tell you why.
But beyond that, I think >>FanOfMostEverything gives a highly efficient explanation of why this works and is good, so I’ll just point at him and move on. (BTW, great to see you back, FOME.)
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: My #1 impression here is that we’re given a tiny taste of a larger work that I would like to read. However, that’s much more because of how it’s set up at the beginning and delivered in the middle than because of the Fluttershy thing at the end. For some reason that bit sticks out as being really off to me, though I couldn’t tell you why.
But beyond that, I think >>FanOfMostEverything gives a highly efficient explanation of why this works and is good, so I’ll just point at him and move on. (BTW, great to see you back, FOME.)
Tier: Strong
Fair warning, I’m going to end up comparing anything with “Palaver” in the title to Carabas’s work.
The characterization feels shaky at best. The hints of Equestria’s cosmogony are fascinating, but the rest of the story feels disjointed and disconnected. Things just happen without any apparent underlying theme or purpose. It’s like a Jay and Silent Bob scene in a movie that wasn’t even directed by Kevin Smith. I think the ending is supposed to be an origin for Nightmare Moon, but that isn’t made at all clear. (There’s also the question of what "Morning Palaver I" was, but I can’t exactly hold that against you when I’ve been absent from the Writeoffs for over a year. :P)
In all, figure out what you’re trying to accomplish with this story, then focus on that.
“I’m bored of this game. Whoever invented it was a huge retard.”And that is doing you no favors whatsoever.
The characterization feels shaky at best. The hints of Equestria’s cosmogony are fascinating, but the rest of the story feels disjointed and disconnected. Things just happen without any apparent underlying theme or purpose. It’s like a Jay and Silent Bob scene in a movie that wasn’t even directed by Kevin Smith. I think the ending is supposed to be an origin for Nightmare Moon, but that isn’t made at all clear. (There’s also the question of what "Morning Palaver I" was, but I can’t exactly hold that against you when I’ve been absent from the Writeoffs for over a year. :P)
In all, figure out what you’re trying to accomplish with this story, then focus on that.
A very apt title. Twilight hasn’t fully grown into her wings even now. Back when she first got them? I can definitely seeing her go to such intense analytical lengths, though I’d see her leaning more towards “I made a mistake; I don’t deserve to be a princess” rather than “I’m a princess; I’m not allowed to make mistakes.” A fine but important distinction. Still, very well done.
It took me a moment to realize this was the Twilight from EqG and not Pony!Twilight, but her happy-go-lucky amoral approach to science made more sense once I figured that out.
Although I still feel like the characterizations, despite being with them only briefly, are out of place.
Except for Rarity, though, she was fine.
Dash's reaction was too negative, and Pinkie's goes so far as to contradict canon.
You ever hear a joke that's meant to be taken as absurd, but because it doesn't go far enough with the absurdity it kind of falls flat? I got that feeling with this one.
It's a novel premise (or at least I feel like it is) but it's not given enough time to bloom, you know?
I'm feeling a strong 6 to a light 7 on this.
Although I still feel like the characterizations, despite being with them only briefly, are out of place.
Except for Rarity, though, she was fine.
Dash's reaction was too negative, and Pinkie's goes so far as to contradict canon.
You ever hear a joke that's meant to be taken as absurd, but because it doesn't go far enough with the absurdity it kind of falls flat? I got that feeling with this one.
It's a novel premise (or at least I feel like it is) but it's not given enough time to bloom, you know?
I'm feeling a strong 6 to a light 7 on this.
I have to agree on the ending gear shift not working, especially for Sunset. She’s in it for the wings, not the crown. And Starlight “Death to the Establishment” Glimmer getting excited to rise up the ranks of established society doesn’t compute very well either. I did enjoy the bulk of this absurd pile of reformed unicorns doing reformed unicorn things, but some stronger characterization and room to breathe will be good for it. (And if we’re introducing some sanity to the proceedings, how would these two help locate viable candidates? How would anypony, aside from using Twilight’s Google Map?)
>>CoffeeMinion is right that the owl part at the end is kind of weird but not too off putting that it takes the story down a notch.
Author, if you’d like to write more of these from the view points of all of her friends, I’d like that very much.
I know this is a long quote but it really hit home for me. If this was on my voting list it would be high up there. I’d love to see more of this in the future!! ;)
Author, if you’d like to write more of these from the view points of all of her friends, I’d like that very much.
When it's something that don't particularly matter to me, somepony points out a more efficient way, I'm like to take the hint and make a change or two. But when it's something that satisfies me right down to my shoes, well..." She grabbed a knife in her teeth, cut a healthy slice of cake, flipped it onto a plate, and slid it across the table at me. "I'm like to go on being inefficient long as I got breath in my body."
I know this is a long quote but it really hit home for me. If this was on my voting list it would be high up there. I’d love to see more of this in the future!! ;)
I really like this one, but I'm also really perplexed by it.
As a comedy it works almost purely because of how it sticks to making variations on what is essentially the same joke, and it pulls off most of these variations quite well.
I can feel the satire with this story, and I'm sure there are a lot of references crammed in here that I will never get.
Even so, I enjoyed it quite a bit, and even found myself reading quite slowly (partly due to all the capitalized words) to take in every little crumb of the comedy cookie, which is not something I normally do.
I am, however, left scratching my head over what this all means, or what this is probably referring to. It feels like one big inside joke that just so happens to work, but there's still the sense that the author is having a giggle fit over stuff that he/she gets that the reader in all likeliness won't.
That's really the only thing holding it back for me, but it's kind of a big criticism, so keep that in mind.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
As a comedy it works almost purely because of how it sticks to making variations on what is essentially the same joke, and it pulls off most of these variations quite well.
I can feel the satire with this story, and I'm sure there are a lot of references crammed in here that I will never get.
Even so, I enjoyed it quite a bit, and even found myself reading quite slowly (partly due to all the capitalized words) to take in every little crumb of the comedy cookie, which is not something I normally do.
I am, however, left scratching my head over what this all means, or what this is probably referring to. It feels like one big inside joke that just so happens to work, but there's still the sense that the author is having a giggle fit over stuff that he/she gets that the reader in all likeliness won't.
That's really the only thing holding it back for me, but it's kind of a big criticism, so keep that in mind.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
>>Trick_Question hit the nail on the head when it comes to how to refine the themes of this one. Even without that focus, this is a fantastic little World of Cardboard story for Spike. To paraphrase Smaug, his scales are as shields, his teeth swords, his claws spears, and his breath death. Not at all helpful when all he needs is a needle. Very nice work.
I can understand why even Pinkie is scowling at the end. It’s one thing to be able to visit a world where you don’t have thumbs. It’s quite another to lose them against your will and without knowing when, if ever, you’ll get them back. That or she wanted to play along with the others. Still, the reactions at the end can definitely be tweaked. >>No_Raisin definitely has a point; this is in an uncomfortable middle ground of absurdity that needs to go for either more or less to work optimally.
Celestia's punchline at the end sums up my feelings about this story.
So it's a comedy... but at times it's written like it's meant to be taken seriously.
Maybe the prose is too flowery at times to work for something in this genre, that's probably the case. Also, starting off with a description of the weather is a big pet peeve of mine. It's something I poked fun at in my very first fic, over half a decade ago, and it pains me to see it played straight here.
The giant space cabbage is funny, or rather it's a funny idea, for like a second, but not much is done with it.
And, going back to Celestia's line, what is the joke here? I suspect it's a pun, but I don't get the pun, so I don't find it that funny. Maybe not getting the pun is part of the joke? The ending seems to lampshade this, but I don't know if that makes it better.
At least I laughed a few times, just from the premise and a few small bits, so that's good enough.
I'm feeling a light to decent 6 on this.
So it's a comedy... but at times it's written like it's meant to be taken seriously.
Maybe the prose is too flowery at times to work for something in this genre, that's probably the case. Also, starting off with a description of the weather is a big pet peeve of mine. It's something I poked fun at in my very first fic, over half a decade ago, and it pains me to see it played straight here.
The giant space cabbage is funny, or rather it's a funny idea, for like a second, but not much is done with it.
And, going back to Celestia's line, what is the joke here? I suspect it's a pun, but I don't get the pun, so I don't find it that funny. Maybe not getting the pun is part of the joke? The ending seems to lampshade this, but I don't know if that makes it better.
At least I laughed a few times, just from the premise and a few small bits, so that's good enough.
I'm feeling a light to decent 6 on this.
Cute. I do like the subtle bit of foreshadowing in the opening. It’s not that Pinkie and fire don’t mix. It’s that they mix too well. Overall, this is a nice demonstration of Pink Ape at her best and worst, though I feel you did exaggerate the latter. Still, fun.
I didn't get that Spike couldn't feel the needle until I read the comments. I had to read it a second time to realize that the story even had the theme that the other commenters were talking about.
All I got from this story is that Spike is being unnecessarily angsty because he is apparently a teenager now? I'm a few episodes behind on Season 8 and I have to wonder if this story is about an episode I missed or if I just completely missed what this story is trying to say.
All I got from this story is that Spike is being unnecessarily angsty because he is apparently a teenager now? I'm a few episodes behind on Season 8 and I have to wonder if this story is about an episode I missed or if I just completely missed what this story is trying to say.
Headcanon: This story’s title is also the title of an album in Starlight’s childhood room.
I’m not sure how well the chronology works out with this one given “Shadow Play,” but it’s awesome regardless. Though it’s not clear why Luna would have a voice made raspy by dry bones. Some inelegant sentence structure here and there, but overall, I like both the ending and how the Pillars took care of more than just the Sirens and Stygian.
I’m not sure how well the chronology works out with this one given “Shadow Play,” but it’s awesome regardless. Though it’s not clear why Luna would have a voice made raspy by dry bones. Some inelegant sentence structure here and there, but overall, I like both the ending and how the Pillars took care of more than just the Sirens and Stygian.
Genre: Totally Legit Princesses-To-Be
Thoughts: *crack* Okay. So.
I can speak only for myself here, but I thought this was rip-roaring hilarious. It brings a style of humor from amore less civilized age, perhaps exemplified by DWK, which lets me draw a mental straight-line from the magical switchblade to that joke at the end. It’s crude, but I thought it fit the overall ponies-behaving-badly motif. And on that note, obviously Starlight and Sunset would never act this way, much less to each other. But this is one of the more amusing deviations into that specific flavor of bad-behaving null-canon space that I’ve read in a while. I also like how complete this feels, with a conflict that escalates in a way that’s economical with its wordcount but also vivid and clear.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: *crack* Okay. So.
I can speak only for myself here, but I thought this was rip-roaring hilarious. It brings a style of humor from a
Tier: Top Contender
There's a great setup here--I love the soul-sucking bit in particular--which is followed up by a merely okay conclusion. The problem is that it doesn't flow neatly from the setup: the setup's all about building up what a disaster her body is, while the conclusion's about... fulfilling her insurance requirements, maybe? I don't even know why her having a clean bill of health is important, which is kind of a problem when that's what you're leaving us with by way of resolution.
If I were you, when this is over I'd delete the last few paragraphs and re-approach the ending with a keener eye towards what your setup actually set up. Maybe make the punchline center around how horrifically close to (literally) falling apart she is. Or you could tie it back into the whole "protect my identity" thing, which is kinda there right now, but feels like an afterthought when we don't even know what the point of her medical visit was in the first place. Something to wrap it back to the core ideas you spend most of your verbiage on.
But that's just another way of saying "I really enjoyed reading nine-tenths of your story," so you're closer than I'm probably making it sound.
If I were you, when this is over I'd delete the last few paragraphs and re-approach the ending with a keener eye towards what your setup actually set up. Maybe make the punchline center around how horrifically close to (literally) falling apart she is. Or you could tie it back into the whole "protect my identity" thing, which is kinda there right now, but feels like an afterthought when we don't even know what the point of her medical visit was in the first place. Something to wrap it back to the core ideas you spend most of your verbiage on.
But that's just another way of saying "I really enjoyed reading nine-tenths of your story," so you're closer than I'm probably making it sound.
Okay, so before I got on a bit of a rant here, I want you to know that this is definitely not the worst entry I've reviewed so far.
It is, however, without a doubt, the most frustrating.
Let's talk about the narrator, for one. Who is this? Why do they sound like this? The tone is really off-putting, and not even in a comedic way. The narrator could be Discord, who knows, except for the author, but regardless the voice rubs me the wrong way, and there doesn't seem to be a point to it.
In a minific, you want every paragraph to count, right? But I felt like for most of this I was having my time wasted, because we weren't focusing on anything. We got a scene for a paragraph, then we moved on. There are no real characters in this entry, because we don't get enough time with any of them. There is no arc, even an emotional one, to speak of.
And then there's the reveal at the end, which admittedly I kind of like, if only because of how high-concept it is and how it's all described. But again I'm left wondering what this all means, and the last line doesn't help anything. There's something deeply meta going on here, but it's so abstract that I'm kind of lost about it.
Okay, rant over.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this.
It is, however, without a doubt, the most frustrating.
Let's talk about the narrator, for one. Who is this? Why do they sound like this? The tone is really off-putting, and not even in a comedic way. The narrator could be Discord, who knows, except for the author, but regardless the voice rubs me the wrong way, and there doesn't seem to be a point to it.
In a minific, you want every paragraph to count, right? But I felt like for most of this I was having my time wasted, because we weren't focusing on anything. We got a scene for a paragraph, then we moved on. There are no real characters in this entry, because we don't get enough time with any of them. There is no arc, even an emotional one, to speak of.
And then there's the reveal at the end, which admittedly I kind of like, if only because of how high-concept it is and how it's all described. But again I'm left wondering what this all means, and the last line doesn't help anything. There's something deeply meta going on here, but it's so abstract that I'm kind of lost about it.
Okay, rant over.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this.
I’m split on this one. I mean, I can definitely see Luna thinking, “It is good to see some ponies still know their place in this strange age. Continue toiling for your betters.” Personally, I think it’s a pretty darn twisted message, especially if the end result is a stallion who can fail to notice a city-wide attack of shapeshifting bug monsters through sheer curmudgeonry. I’m not sure what mindset is necessary to best appreciate this story, but I’m not in it, and I’m not sure what you were trying to get across.
I agree with FOME that this feels mean-spirited, not to mention more like a gussied-up rant than a coherent narrative, but Friendship School is the worst thing since G 3.5 and deserves to be mocked I can't help but find it funny nonetheless. I don't think this is a terribly good story, but it mixes screed and humor well, which is something.
goddammit
This whole thing was an undo function pun.
It's also the only one I've read that had a beginning, middle, and end, characters making a decision, and a resolution.
This whole thing was an undo function pun.
It's also the only one I've read that had a beginning, middle, and end, characters making a decision, and a resolution.
The embarrassing thing was that this had all been done materially. For free.Really not getting this line. How much is matter supposed to charge for biogenesis?
Sniffling, She wiped her eyes and was astonished to see the Great White Handkerchief.The Examiner is the Great Green Arkleseizure?
In all, a very fun, Adamsian way to unite all four generations of pony, including G2, which never got an animated series (and now we know why!) Lovely stuff, though a few of the jokes do need work for the sake comprehensibility and/or accessibility.
>>Trick_Question
The fairy cake is, like the Great White Handkerchief, a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Apparently G3 ponies invented the Total Perspective Vortex.
This one is hard for me to be fair about, since Vinyl Scratch is my favorite background pony (or I guess minor character at this point) and my interpretation of her differs from most, but I'll try my best.
This is a pretty humorous slice-of-life romp that has kind of a neat premise, although it does feel like typical Octavia-Vinyl shenanigans when you get down to it.
The last little section is what sticks out to me the most, no surprise there, and the prose learns to calm the fuck down by the end as well.
Seriously though, that was some flowery stuff at the beginning, and I'm not sure it being overwritten was intentional or not. I'm gonna take a guess and say it was.
There are a few typos in there as well, and one word even got repeated, but I can deal with that.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 7 on this.
This is a pretty humorous slice-of-life romp that has kind of a neat premise, although it does feel like typical Octavia-Vinyl shenanigans when you get down to it.
The last little section is what sticks out to me the most, no surprise there, and the prose learns to calm the fuck down by the end as well.
Seriously though, that was some flowery stuff at the beginning, and I'm not sure it being overwritten was intentional or not. I'm gonna take a guess and say it was.
There are a few typos in there as well, and one word even got repeated, but I can deal with that.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 7 on this.
I feel like I would be pretty redundant with what this story does right, and it does quite a few things right, from what >>FanOfMostEverything and >>Anon Y Mous have said about it, but I do want to bring up one thing.
I really like how AJ is written here. She has a few "southern" quirks in her speech, but unlike a lot of fics these do not feel overblown or like they make it harder to make out what she's saying.
A lot of folks write AJ like she's some hillbilly out of a Faulkner novel, but she's not even really "southern" so I could never figure out what was to be accomplished by doing that.
Anyway, entry's pretty good, yep. I could easily imagine Starlight's voice as I was reading it, so I would say her characterization is spot-on, and we get a good taste of their differing philosophies.
It's also nice to read a story where Starlight doesn't mess with ponies' minds like a sociopath.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
I really like how AJ is written here. She has a few "southern" quirks in her speech, but unlike a lot of fics these do not feel overblown or like they make it harder to make out what she's saying.
A lot of folks write AJ like she's some hillbilly out of a Faulkner novel, but she's not even really "southern" so I could never figure out what was to be accomplished by doing that.
Anyway, entry's pretty good, yep. I could easily imagine Starlight's voice as I was reading it, so I would say her characterization is spot-on, and we get a good taste of their differing philosophies.
It's also nice to read a story where Starlight doesn't mess with ponies' minds like a sociopath.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
"Space Cabbage" caught my interest, but never did anything with it.
LoTR reference
That was just about the only thing about this story that I understood. Is there some poem by a 12th century cabbage monk that I'm supposed to know that makes this funny?
“PegMoot,”
LoTR reference
That was just about the only thing about this story that I understood. Is there some poem by a 12th century cabbage monk that I'm supposed to know that makes this funny?
The Rarishy feels crowbarred in just so Fluttershy could have another pony to talk to at 3 in the morning, and the conflict itself feels less than compelling. Animal care is the one area where Fluttershy has always had a degree of confidence. If we’re at a point in the timeline where Rarity is expanding to Manehattan, then by all rights, Fluttershy would’ve more likely calmly, politely torn Humid a new one rather than take stock in his backseat zookeeping.
And yeah, not to hammer it in, but death does happen no matter the quality of the caretaker.
Suffice to say, this one is far from perfect. I can see what you were trying for, but you didn’t quite get there.
And yeah, not to hammer it in, but death does happen no matter the quality of the caretaker.
Suffice to say, this one is far from perfect. I can see what you were trying for, but you didn’t quite get there.
Of all the entries I've reviewed so far, this one feels like it would benefit the most from being expanded into a short story, or something even longer.
We have to take in a lot in a very short amount of time, and Lightning Dust's emotional arc doesn't quite feel complete, although it is pretty hard-hitting for what we're given.
There's something deeply ironic about her mindset getting her a spot at the Academy in the first place and also getting her kicked out, not to mention that even a screw-up like her was disillusioned by how pitiful Wind Rider had become.
Both are ponies who screwed themselves over in the name of glory, and Lightning Dust saw the aftermath in both herself and her idol.
I'm not sure if the ending works or not, depending on what was intended. The fact that Lightning Dust had been talking to Rainbow Dash this whole time places the story in a whole new context, and it raises a lot of questions.
There's something great here, but it's rough around the edges.
I'm feeling a light to decent 8.
We have to take in a lot in a very short amount of time, and Lightning Dust's emotional arc doesn't quite feel complete, although it is pretty hard-hitting for what we're given.
There's something deeply ironic about her mindset getting her a spot at the Academy in the first place and also getting her kicked out, not to mention that even a screw-up like her was disillusioned by how pitiful Wind Rider had become.
Both are ponies who screwed themselves over in the name of glory, and Lightning Dust saw the aftermath in both herself and her idol.
I'm not sure if the ending works or not, depending on what was intended. The fact that Lightning Dust had been talking to Rainbow Dash this whole time places the story in a whole new context, and it raises a lot of questions.
There's something great here, but it's rough around the edges.
I'm feeling a light to decent 8.
Aw man, now I have to choose between this and “A Little Shortcut.” Exquisite comedic timing and a punchline that I never saw coming. I knew it wasn’t going to end well, but I never imagined that.
Such a beautiful story and such beautiful wording.
It would take me hours to point out all of the great things about this story. Overall, simply amazing.
It would take me hours to point out all of the great things about this story. Overall, simply amazing.
Given all that we know about Sunburst after this moment, Cherry Blossom feels like a loose end. I want to know what happened to her after this, what she did, where she went, if she ever heard about the fifth alicorn’s crystaller. That’s a good sign for how the story engaged me, but not for its self-containment.
Aside from that, others have covered the story’s strengths and weaknesses quite effectively at this point. Though I will say that I love the bitter irony in the title referring to a bit of Sunburst’s own dialogue. In all, a very good starting point for something bigger should you choose to pursue it.
Aside from that, others have covered the story’s strengths and weaknesses quite effectively at this point. Though I will say that I love the bitter irony in the title referring to a bit of Sunburst’s own dialogue. In all, a very good starting point for something bigger should you choose to pursue it.
This wouldn't be the first time I reviewed a comedy minific and didn't get the jokes, although in this case I'm not even sure if the jokes got themselves, if you know what I mean.
The ending in particular kind of left me baffled because not only did I not know what these spells were supposed to be, but I also didn't understand the entire interaction because neither Twilight nor Starlight seemed to be talking about the same thing.
For previous comedies I at least understood the appeal of the humor, even if I didn't laugh at all, but this is the first time where I just don't get it.
Also, there are some random tense changes throughout...
That ain't it, yo. That ain't it.
I'm feeling a strong 4 to a light 5 on this.
The ending in particular kind of left me baffled because not only did I not know what these spells were supposed to be, but I also didn't understand the entire interaction because neither Twilight nor Starlight seemed to be talking about the same thing.
For previous comedies I at least understood the appeal of the humor, even if I didn't laugh at all, but this is the first time where I just don't get it.
Also, there are some random tense changes throughout...
That ain't it, yo. That ain't it.
I'm feeling a strong 4 to a light 5 on this.
This story feels sort of unfocused in a few ways. And I suppose some of that comes from how coy the beginning is. It spends a lot of time being intentionally vague, so all I could focus on was the fact that something was being hidden from me. This would be the chance to have the interactions between RD and PP distract me from the trickery, but you have designed their conversation to be disjointed and awkward, which is fine, it makes sense, but it doesn't pull me in, so my focus remains on the fact that there's stuff the narrator is flat-out not telling me.
I don't follow the inclusion of the "could've taken a flight" conflict in the story. It doesn't seem to add anything other than a reason for Fluttershy and Rarity to not be there. But was that required? Suggesting a road trip and then taking things too far is already a solid foundation for a story on its own.
The tone also seems pulled apart in two directions. The eventual reveal of the burning car (and all the little hints beforehand) seem to be going for comedy, but the characters themselves seem to be going for something more emotional or dramatic. The impact would have been stronger if the characters and narrator stuck to one tone.
I like the idea on the whole, and I thought the characters were done very well. I've read a lot of MLP fiction where the characters are acting totally out of character just to create an absurd style of comedy, and I'm glad you didn't go for that route. The characters are much easier to relate to that way.
Looking upwards, it seems like there are those who enjoyed this story, so you can maybe safely ignore me. But I hope my view is still helpful.
P.S., Another minor note: "Perhaps" isn't a very Rainbow Dash word.
Thanks for writing and best of luck in the voting!
I don't follow the inclusion of the "could've taken a flight" conflict in the story. It doesn't seem to add anything other than a reason for Fluttershy and Rarity to not be there. But was that required? Suggesting a road trip and then taking things too far is already a solid foundation for a story on its own.
The tone also seems pulled apart in two directions. The eventual reveal of the burning car (and all the little hints beforehand) seem to be going for comedy, but the characters themselves seem to be going for something more emotional or dramatic. The impact would have been stronger if the characters and narrator stuck to one tone.
I like the idea on the whole, and I thought the characters were done very well. I've read a lot of MLP fiction where the characters are acting totally out of character just to create an absurd style of comedy, and I'm glad you didn't go for that route. The characters are much easier to relate to that way.
Looking upwards, it seems like there are those who enjoyed this story, so you can maybe safely ignore me. But I hope my view is still helpful.
P.S., Another minor note: "Perhaps" isn't a very Rainbow Dash word.
Thanks for writing and best of luck in the voting!
Whoa. 101 reviews, all within the first 12 hours of the launch? This is indisputably the liveliest write-off I've seen so far.
True, I've only been in, like, three others, but still.
You know what? I might just jump in and post some reviews of my own. Not sure though. Not sure...
True, I've only been in, like, three others, but still.
You know what? I might just jump in and post some reviews of my own. Not sure though. Not sure...
Some great Celestia/Twilight interaction, but it ends up feeling shallow given the intensity of the first few lines. It’s a product of the word limit, yes, but it hurts the story nonetheless. Still, great to see these two interact more casually. I’d love to see this one expanded. Maybe have Luna weigh in. Goodness only knows what drinks she’ll contribute…
This is a very Equestrian story, and I mean that in a very positive sense. Where else could a drill sergeant come down on a recruit like a ton of bricks for botching magical weather control? All told, very cute indeed.
I almost feel wrong with reviewing this, because it doesn't really count as an MLP story.
As >>Hap pointed out, the pony connection is slim at best. Why is Twilight an AI? What the purpose of Twilight of all ponies being an AI? Why even a pony in the first place? We're not given any reasons, tried as I did to find at least one.
By the end of it I got the vague impression that Chrome was going to die, but I didn't even understand why at first, and there is so little context for why any of this was happening that I ended up feeling only confused.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge sci-fi nerd, and I think ponies can (and have) work really well in a typical sci-fi setting, but this seems to me like a sci-fi flashfic with a few words changed to make it technically an MLP story.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 4 on this.
As >>Hap pointed out, the pony connection is slim at best. Why is Twilight an AI? What the purpose of Twilight of all ponies being an AI? Why even a pony in the first place? We're not given any reasons, tried as I did to find at least one.
By the end of it I got the vague impression that Chrome was going to die, but I didn't even understand why at first, and there is so little context for why any of this was happening that I ended up feeling only confused.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge sci-fi nerd, and I think ponies can (and have) work really well in a typical sci-fi setting, but this seems to me like a sci-fi flashfic with a few words changed to make it technically an MLP story.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 4 on this.
Sigh...
I really like these characters, and I've never been a fan of seeing them stripped of their personalities just for the sake of absurd comedy and a pun.
Twilight isn't startled by Rarity's wings, or her bombastic entrance. Rarity and Starlight seem to be filling opposite roles—I would expect Starlight to want to fix her own screw ups as fast as she can, even if that means running to Twilight, as opposed to crying about it (one of Rarity's favourite pastimes). And Applejack successfully employing complicated magic on her first try is awfully convenient for someone who has been an earth pony her whole life.
At least Pinkie sounded like herself... but then she's already absurd.
I just... I like these characters, man. And these aren't them.
But this isn't on my slate! Just wanted to drop by and give my two cents. Good luck!
I really like these characters, and I've never been a fan of seeing them stripped of their personalities just for the sake of absurd comedy and a pun.
Twilight isn't startled by Rarity's wings, or her bombastic entrance. Rarity and Starlight seem to be filling opposite roles—I would expect Starlight to want to fix her own screw ups as fast as she can, even if that means running to Twilight, as opposed to crying about it (one of Rarity's favourite pastimes). And Applejack successfully employing complicated magic on her first try is awfully convenient for someone who has been an earth pony her whole life.
At least Pinkie sounded like herself... but then she's already absurd.
I just... I like these characters, man. And these aren't them.
But this isn't on my slate! Just wanted to drop by and give my two cents. Good luck!
So… When is the Map sending the main cast to this facility? The place needs to be fumigated with magic rainbows ASAP.
The quiet horror that comes not from malice but from routine… and that’s pretty much all there is to it. With a promise of more to come. Certainly well put together, though I can’t honestly say I enjoyed it.
The quiet horror that comes not from malice but from routine… and that’s pretty much all there is to it. With a promise of more to come. Certainly well put together, though I can’t honestly say I enjoyed it.
This is a great intro to a story but it leaves too many open questions to be a story by itself. I'm guessing it's the tried and true pony trope of immortal Twilight Sparkle trying to recreate her distant past life in Ponyville, a story I've published more than once. I'm just not sure what to take away with what I'm given here. I think this needs more space than a minific.
I agree with other commenters that the narrator's Rod Serling voice is a little iffy.
Also, "three young fillies with another" is confusing. Do you mean four fillies?
I agree with other commenters that the narrator's Rod Serling voice is a little iffy.
Also, "three young fillies with another" is confusing. Do you mean four fillies?
"Hocus Pocus...It's a boy?"
I laughed.
Great story. I love her humor and judging by the prompt I assume the new queen will be having Griswielda’s head in her palace very soon...
This entry is split into three sections, and two of them are great.
The first, unfortunately, is not one of those two. The setup is rough, and the exchange between Sunset and her teacher strikes me as rather cliched, in the sense that classroom exchanges don't really sound like this.
I guess it came off as inauthentic, which is a shame because the other sections came off as anything but inauthentic.
Personally I'm not familiar with the idea of Sunset coming from a poor family, but regardless I think it's handled masterfully here, with far more subtlety and emotional depth than the first section.
You can still see that bratty side of Sunset, long before she redeemed herself, but you can also see a Sunset desperate to climb out of her bad position in life. I found myself disliking and yet also sympathizing with her.
I knew people who were like Sunset when they were kids, so I think that adds to the emotional weight.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
The first, unfortunately, is not one of those two. The setup is rough, and the exchange between Sunset and her teacher strikes me as rather cliched, in the sense that classroom exchanges don't really sound like this.
I guess it came off as inauthentic, which is a shame because the other sections came off as anything but inauthentic.
Personally I'm not familiar with the idea of Sunset coming from a poor family, but regardless I think it's handled masterfully here, with far more subtlety and emotional depth than the first section.
You can still see that bratty side of Sunset, long before she redeemed herself, but you can also see a Sunset desperate to climb out of her bad position in life. I found myself disliking and yet also sympathizing with her.
I knew people who were like Sunset when they were kids, so I think that adds to the emotional weight.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
This is cute, but I'm not sure it manages the toggle between comedy and drama it looks like you're trying to do. I don't get a comedic feel at any point here because the early picture you paint is too heartfelt and serious.
What are the index cards for? And why were the rest of the mane 6 invited? Other than to be a peanut gallery and to supplement a gay joke, that is...
I'm afraid I'm with the "didn't quite track" camp on this one. The total lack of subtlety just doesn't work for me, as it's not very immersive at all. I don't feel like I'm reading a story, but words written by a brony having a lot of fun. And it's great that you had fun! I just wish I could have had it too.
Here's an example: With the fighting unicorns, the entire time their duel is being painstakingly described, I'm assuming Twilight is just standing there and letting it happen before she finally steps in a couple paragraphs later. But then, she's doing that because the author doesn't want her to step in yet. See what I mean?
Anyways, the idea is stellar. The alicorns' idea is believable, and why not have Starlight and Sunset seek out the candidates? It's just that the execution left me at arm's length.
But that's just my two cents. And unfortunately, unlike the last absurd comedy entry I just commented on, this one is on my slate... I may have to abstain.
I'm afraid I'm with the "didn't quite track" camp on this one. The total lack of subtlety just doesn't work for me, as it's not very immersive at all. I don't feel like I'm reading a story, but words written by a brony having a lot of fun. And it's great that you had fun! I just wish I could have had it too.
Here's an example: With the fighting unicorns, the entire time their duel is being painstakingly described, I'm assuming Twilight is just standing there and letting it happen before she finally steps in a couple paragraphs later. But then, she's doing that because the author doesn't want her to step in yet. See what I mean?
Anyways, the idea is stellar. The alicorns' idea is believable, and why not have Starlight and Sunset seek out the candidates? It's just that the execution left me at arm's length.
But that's just my two cents. And unfortunately, unlike the last absurd comedy entry I just commented on, this one is on my slate... I may have to abstain.
I guess the punchline here is that Luna is a friend of Death for some reason? I'm not sure I understand why that's the case, and the story hinges on me buying that fact. This is a creative tale but I'm not sure I get it entirely.
I like this. I disagree with Chris that the speech takes three minutes to deliver—it's only three minutes that we get to hear, and the device is clear enough to me.
That said, I'd focus a little more on showing more of the Captain's body language and physique, and the interplay between him and the crowd. That's more important than the details of what he's literally saying. But this is already close to perfect for my taste. The soup kitchen at the end is a great touch of socialism.
That said, I'd focus a little more on showing more of the Captain's body language and physique, and the interplay between him and the crowd. That's more important than the details of what he's literally saying. But this is already close to perfect for my taste. The soup kitchen at the end is a great touch of socialism.
This is very good, if a bit telly in form.
I'm not sure what you meant about the bet with Pinkie Pie, and I can't see Pinkie making that bet. She's an eternal optimist and even if she weren't, it's a pretty callous thing to do when your friends' emotions are on the line.
I'm not sure what you meant about the bet with Pinkie Pie, and I can't see Pinkie making that bet. She's an eternal optimist and even if she weren't, it's a pretty callous thing to do when your friends' emotions are on the line.
Horse jesus this is some serious child abuse. It reads like gay conversion therapy, only worse. The story is good but the villainy needs to be at the very least lampshaded, because as it is this reads like it's an okay thing, and I can't see this being legal in Equestria.
You need to make it clear in the story that this isn't right.
You need to make it clear in the story that this isn't right.
I don't think Celestia's School being that strict sits well with me. I'd like this much better if she were pushing to get an A even though her grades were sufficient already. It would make the ending more poignant because it would reveal that what Sunset actually cares about is ultimately meaningless—she's learning the wrong lessons, she isn't simply driven by the need to get into a good school. There's more to her character.
Everypony fails, and Celestia's School would acknowledge that. What matters is how they deal with that failure, which is what this piece is really about.
Everypony fails, and Celestia's School would acknowledge that. What matters is how they deal with that failure, which is what this piece is really about.
I disagree with the above comment that this story involves "stereotypes". I think it's done more respectfully than that makes it sound. But it seems maybe like you held back a bit? The foods you described, for example, all sound like north american foods. Where's the sushi, sashimi, and other assortments of fish. I'm an idiot. But, okay, no, there are vegetarian options in Japan too! I feel like seaweed could have at least made an appearance. It would play in to Celestia's stomach's inability to process this newfangled food it's suddenly taking in. And how about a little cup of green pasty stuff that looks kind of nice and soothing and MADE OF HELLFIRE.
But anyways, my point is that it felt a little reserved to reference the fact that this is Equestria's Japan and then not make it very Japanese. Lean into it! Respectfully, tho.
I also felt the ending scene didn't need to be there. It felt like you were worried you didn't fit the prompt enough and needed to reference it somehow. At least you didn't have Celestia flat out say "It could have gone better," though!
But all of that aside... I am just marvelling at the ponification of the word 'Japanese' here. Let me get this straight... you used the Japanese word for Japan (Nippon), then added in the neigh for the standard Equestrian switcheroo, but then you kept going, tagging on the -ese at the end to make it sound like 'Japanese' all over again. It's like an impossible cube of a pun. It's gorgeous.
But anyways, my point is that it felt a little reserved to reference the fact that this is Equestria's Japan and then not make it very Japanese. Lean into it! Respectfully, tho.
I also felt the ending scene didn't need to be there. It felt like you were worried you didn't fit the prompt enough and needed to reference it somehow. At least you didn't have Celestia flat out say "It could have gone better," though!
But all of that aside... I am just marvelling at the ponification of the word 'Japanese' here. Let me get this straight... you used the Japanese word for Japan (Nippon), then added in the neigh for the standard Equestrian switcheroo, but then you kept going, tagging on the -ese at the end to make it sound like 'Japanese' all over again. It's like an impossible cube of a pun. It's gorgeous.
This is mostly telly political humor with a touch of out-of-character ponies at the end. I know it's comedy but the encounter is so brief and rapid-fire it doesn't make much sense. The last line is super telly, and I don't see Twilight anally probing a prisoner from another world.
I'd suggest dialing back on the political jokes and actually spend some decent time on the encounter, even if you're playing it for laughs.
I'd suggest dialing back on the political jokes and actually spend some decent time on the encounter, even if you're playing it for laughs.
This is great. I'd use a...
...to separate the two sections, but otherwise I have no suggestions.
...to separate the two sections, but otherwise I have no suggestions.
A-ha, I've stumbled upon the other story that >>No_Raisin felt included Japanese stereotypes. On this one I'm in agreement. Might want to roll that back a bit, and maybe don't let the word "Kawai" get anywhere near this story... unless there's a piano involved.
I'll admit I was into this at the beginning with the sci-fi world-building. Australia beating the US to colonizing Mars was a little outrageous, but it was still fun to imagine. But then Kawasaki's strange behaviour, the out-of-character-ness of Twilight, and the completely inappropriate ending line (inappropriate compared to the rest of your story), makes it hard to get into.
Elsewhere, in Nitpickville:
That... doesn't make any sense.
I'll admit I was into this at the beginning with the sci-fi world-building. Australia beating the US to colonizing Mars was a little outrageous, but it was still fun to imagine. But then Kawasaki's strange behaviour, the out-of-character-ness of Twilight, and the completely inappropriate ending line (inappropriate compared to the rest of your story), makes it hard to get into.
Elsewhere, in Nitpickville:
Joe put on his sunglasses. Kawasaki didn't have to. A microchip in his head would automatically darken his vision, protecting his eyes against the glow of the heat shield.
That... doesn't make any sense.
Why is the last sentence present tense?
Aside from that, it's nice enough. It's always fun to see Twilight and Celestia acting more like peers.
Aside from that, it's nice enough. It's always fun to see Twilight and Celestia acting more like peers.
Some of the phrasing is strange here. I think it could use a proofreading pass. I had to reread this a few times to understand that Opal is just a cat. It reads like Spike is in mortal danger at the end of the story, and I don't think that was the intent. It might be that the comedy is being played just a hair too straight for me.
The first section is pretty rough. I'm not sure you can use em dashes like that. The rest is brilliant though. Probably my favorite entry I've read so far.
I think there should be more description at the start of the story, and I agree with others that there needs to be more definition to the conflict between the Cakes. This might not be something you can do justice to in 750 words.
One problem I had was that Pinkie never explicitly mentioned that the Cakes' parents love them, and I think that's something that absolutely needs to go into a discussion like this.
I didn't have as much problem with Pinkie's voicing as the other readers did, but I think one thing that would improve it is (again) if you had more words to work with. It almost seems like you're trying to get out a bunch of very specific details, so Pinkie becomes a limited-word conveyance for the message rather than a character.
I don't agree with Chris that the kids not noticing the parent separation was a problem. I just read it as they're finally old enough to start asking questions about it. It isn't going to be immediately obvious to very young children that there's something amiss in how they are being treated.
One problem I had was that Pinkie never explicitly mentioned that the Cakes' parents love them, and I think that's something that absolutely needs to go into a discussion like this.
I didn't have as much problem with Pinkie's voicing as the other readers did, but I think one thing that would improve it is (again) if you had more words to work with. It almost seems like you're trying to get out a bunch of very specific details, so Pinkie becomes a limited-word conveyance for the message rather than a character.
I don't agree with Chris that the kids not noticing the parent separation was a problem. I just read it as they're finally old enough to start asking questions about it. It isn't going to be immediately obvious to very young children that there's something amiss in how they are being treated.
Post by
No_Raisin
, deleted
“Justice.” The dark spectre lifted a hoof and swept back the cowl from over her face, revealing a dark alicorn whose mane flowed with glitters of stellar light. “You were a fool, old goat. Never once did you consider that the robe and scythe could be borrowed from a good friend who I had not seen in a long while.”
Ah, the magic of friendship.
Not all of the details come through clearly, though. It wasn't until I read >>FanOfMostEverything that I realized
The bearded one shall fall firstwas referring to Starswirl and not Discord. That was just me, though, and it was more obvious rereading it, do it isn't a serious issue by any means.
On a character level, this is one of the stronger entries, from what I've read so far.
The pairing of Twilight and Rarity doesn't feel as arbitrary as it could be, and while I wish I could've seen them interacting with each other, I'm at least glad I got to read about how each of them feels about the situation.
There is an awful lot of telling, though, which bothers me, because I have this nagging feeling that this could be told in a more organic and dialogue-heavy way, instead of the narrator just telling us about everything.
There is some issues with turns of phrase, which can be confusing and which is also why I took my time reading this. Also, there's that one formatting error that sticks out. Whoops.
It's pretty sound, though, as far as grammar and style go, with a few hiccups.
I guess my big issue with this entry is the amount of telling, which I'm not a fan of.
I'm feeling a light to decent 7 on this.
The pairing of Twilight and Rarity doesn't feel as arbitrary as it could be, and while I wish I could've seen them interacting with each other, I'm at least glad I got to read about how each of them feels about the situation.
There is an awful lot of telling, though, which bothers me, because I have this nagging feeling that this could be told in a more organic and dialogue-heavy way, instead of the narrator just telling us about everything.
There is some issues with turns of phrase, which can be confusing and which is also why I took my time reading this. Also, there's that one formatting error that sticks out. Whoops.
It's pretty sound, though, as far as grammar and style go, with a few hiccups.
I guess my big issue with this entry is the amount of telling, which I'm not a fan of.
I'm feeling a light to decent 7 on this.
>>BlueChameleonVI
do it b.
We're all drowned in caffeine frantically writing our reviews. You should join in. ;)
do it b.
We're all drowned in caffeine frantically writing our reviews. You should join in. ;)
Who the hell names their kid Push Broom?
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This might sound extreme, but this might be the only modern story I've read in at least a few months that endorses slavery. Not literal slavery, mind you, but blind obedience to doing one's work for some higher power, regardless of personal reservations or even outside forces that require one to maybe put down the broom and help everyone out.
That really bothers me. I'm sure it's not the author's intention, but that's how it comes off, and it contaminates one's reading of the whole thing.
What's weird is that in terms of grammar, structure, all that, this is an otherwise pretty solid entry.
Even Luna sounds like herself, albeit with that nasty connotation I mentioned earlier hanging over her head.
So yeah, I don't know if I can recommend this to anyone, or if there was even an audience in mind to begin with.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 6 on this.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This might sound extreme, but this might be the only modern story I've read in at least a few months that endorses slavery. Not literal slavery, mind you, but blind obedience to doing one's work for some higher power, regardless of personal reservations or even outside forces that require one to maybe put down the broom and help everyone out.
That really bothers me. I'm sure it's not the author's intention, but that's how it comes off, and it contaminates one's reading of the whole thing.
What's weird is that in terms of grammar, structure, all that, this is an otherwise pretty solid entry.
Even Luna sounds like herself, albeit with that nasty connotation I mentioned earlier hanging over her head.
So yeah, I don't know if I can recommend this to anyone, or if there was even an audience in mind to begin with.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 6 on this.
I'm probably just dumb, but much of this flew over my head.
I understand that the details are kept vague for the sake of ending, but that's kind of cheating. Like how did Luna even get here? What connections would she have to Death (who is a living persona now) to get his scythe?
It's questions like these that distract me while reading the story, which in a way is a good thing because it encourages me to go back and re-read it, but the problem is that I didn't feel compelled enough from the first go around to re-read.
One word to describe this entry would be "esoteric," which is saying something considering how cryptic (intentionally or not) some of the other entries have been. This one, though? It really goes all in.
The ending was pretty cool, though, makes Luna out to be a real badass.
I just wish I had enjoyed more of what led up to that point.
I'm feeling a strong 6 to a baby-bum 7 on this.
I understand that the details are kept vague for the sake of ending, but that's kind of cheating. Like how did Luna even get here? What connections would she have to Death (who is a living persona now) to get his scythe?
It's questions like these that distract me while reading the story, which in a way is a good thing because it encourages me to go back and re-read it, but the problem is that I didn't feel compelled enough from the first go around to re-read.
One word to describe this entry would be "esoteric," which is saying something considering how cryptic (intentionally or not) some of the other entries have been. This one, though? It really goes all in.
The ending was pretty cool, though, makes Luna out to be a real badass.
I just wish I had enjoyed more of what led up to that point.
I'm feeling a strong 6 to a baby-bum 7 on this.
This is some pretty good stuff.
My main complaint, to get it out of the way, would be to focus less on his speech, since it takes up so much of the story, and focus more on what's happening around him.
It takes a while to realize this, but the context and surroundings of his speech are more important than the speech itself.
You've got this old stallion, a veteran, in what seems to be a ponified version of the Great Depression, and nobody pays attention to him. He missed the bus, figuratively speaking, and he doesn't want to admit it.
That's some sad shit.
Aside from some stylistic choices that >>Chris mentioned, along with a few others, this entry is pretty tight.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
My main complaint, to get it out of the way, would be to focus less on his speech, since it takes up so much of the story, and focus more on what's happening around him.
It takes a while to realize this, but the context and surroundings of his speech are more important than the speech itself.
You've got this old stallion, a veteran, in what seems to be a ponified version of the Great Depression, and nobody pays attention to him. He missed the bus, figuratively speaking, and he doesn't want to admit it.
That's some sad shit.
Aside from some stylistic choices that >>Chris mentioned, along with a few others, this entry is pretty tight.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
Wow...
WOOOOOOOOW...
This is great. It's a deceptively clever fable that could've honestly been written several centuries ago and no one would tell the difference, and I mean that in the best possible way.
One could argue the MLP connection is tenuous because there aren't any characters from the show featured here, but honestly? There's nothing here that contradicts canon either. It's a fable that can easily take place in Equestria, so it does.
The prose? Near-flawless. I have a gripe or two about phrasing toward the beginning, but that's literally it. This shit is so tightly written and yet so unassuming about it that I'm actually jealous.
I was expecting the obvious twist, like Sweetroot killing the dragon in some ingenious way, but that didn't happen. What she did was way more clever, both in-universe and to the reader. The dragon even went through a discernible arc as a result.
And of course it goes without saying that the ending is a work of beauty. Just goes without saying.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 9 on this.
WOOOOOOOOW...
This is great. It's a deceptively clever fable that could've honestly been written several centuries ago and no one would tell the difference, and I mean that in the best possible way.
One could argue the MLP connection is tenuous because there aren't any characters from the show featured here, but honestly? There's nothing here that contradicts canon either. It's a fable that can easily take place in Equestria, so it does.
The prose? Near-flawless. I have a gripe or two about phrasing toward the beginning, but that's literally it. This shit is so tightly written and yet so unassuming about it that I'm actually jealous.
I was expecting the obvious twist, like Sweetroot killing the dragon in some ingenious way, but that didn't happen. What she did was way more clever, both in-universe and to the reader. The dragon even went through a discernible arc as a result.
And of course it goes without saying that the ending is a work of beauty. Just goes without saying.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 9 on this.
Sunset and Starlight's dueling was pretty funny. And you could do a pretty good story about searching for more alicorns. But this just didn't cohere for me. Which is to say I don't really have a lot to add to the criticism that has already been given. Loved Starlight's switchblade, though, that got a good laugh out of me.
Welp
Good, absurd humor. I like it.
>>Miller Minus
To be fair to Starlight, she was traumatized by losing her horn.
Good, absurd humor. I like it.
>>Miller Minus
To be fair to Starlight, she was traumatized by losing her horn.
I don't know what's going on here. What does the last line mean? Was it Discord disguised as Luna? The origin of Nightmare Moon, like>>FanOfMostEverything said? Just a prank? There's some good absurd comedy this round, this one has got the absurd, it doesn't really land the comedy.
Also, I have a feeling you're going to be hammered hard over that "retard" line. This fic has issues, but there's no need for poor taste to be one of them.
Also, I have a feeling you're going to be hammered hard over that "retard" line. This fic has issues, but there's no need for poor taste to be one of them.
The names of supporting characters usually aren't very important, but naming one "Feghoof" is a dangerous game. It took me out of the story for a moment to wonder what the punchline was going to be. That's no good, and it's sad to see the rest of the story overshadowed by a throwaway detail like that.
I smell a crackfic. There's not really a lot to say about this one, I think. It knows what it is.
I didn't think it was possible to have the central theme be both obvious and muddled, but here I am.
The metaphor with the needle worked pretty well, at least once I got over the instant realization that it was meant to be a metaphor. It's one of those times where you're reading something and think, "Huh, this is clearly supposed to represent something." And it was certainly one of those moments, but I think the author used it well.
The problem is that Spike's internal conflict, the reason why he was so standoffish with Rarity, didn't come across as clear to me upon first reading. At first I thought it was meant to be like a romantic tension thing between them, but then it seemed like it was more about Spike's own place in life and how alien he felt as a dragon.
I think, actually, that a good way to get around this lack of clarity would be to have the story told from Spike's POV, which would put us more in his shoes and at the same time give us a more vivid impression of his angst.
I don't want to call it angst, because the word implies a lack of importance, but it's really Spike's angst, and, as >>FanOfMostEverything said, this is a good World of Cardboard-type story that has the potential to be better.
I'm feeling a strong 7 to a light 8 on this.
The metaphor with the needle worked pretty well, at least once I got over the instant realization that it was meant to be a metaphor. It's one of those times where you're reading something and think, "Huh, this is clearly supposed to represent something." And it was certainly one of those moments, but I think the author used it well.
The problem is that Spike's internal conflict, the reason why he was so standoffish with Rarity, didn't come across as clear to me upon first reading. At first I thought it was meant to be like a romantic tension thing between them, but then it seemed like it was more about Spike's own place in life and how alien he felt as a dragon.
I think, actually, that a good way to get around this lack of clarity would be to have the story told from Spike's POV, which would put us more in his shoes and at the same time give us a more vivid impression of his angst.
I don't want to call it angst, because the word implies a lack of importance, but it's really Spike's angst, and, as >>FanOfMostEverything said, this is a good World of Cardboard-type story that has the potential to be better.
I'm feeling a strong 7 to a light 8 on this.
Genre: Electric Boogaloo
Thoughts: Yeah, that's gotta be Discord at the end. Though up to that point it clearly seemed like the... squabbles? Talking heads?... of a young Celestia and Luna. The "retard line" had me sucking air through my teeth over the reaction it was likely to get, though I thought it actually helped establish that this must be from back in the past.
Beyond the ending swerve that creates confusion about who's even in this conversation, I find a sticking point with the fact that it's pretty much 100% dialogue until Luna starts randomly chugging potions. While it's possible to carry a story with just setting and dialogue, I feel like it's much harder than if dialogue and action can be used together.
Props, though, for establishing the setting of the young sisters, and for what appears to be the setup for a Discord prank thing. I feel like that has some potential, if you can play it up a bit.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: Yeah, that's gotta be Discord at the end. Though up to that point it clearly seemed like the... squabbles? Talking heads?... of a young Celestia and Luna. The "retard line" had me sucking air through my teeth over the reaction it was likely to get, though I thought it actually helped establish that this must be from back in the past.
Beyond the ending swerve that creates confusion about who's even in this conversation, I find a sticking point with the fact that it's pretty much 100% dialogue until Luna starts randomly chugging potions. While it's possible to carry a story with just setting and dialogue, I feel like it's much harder than if dialogue and action can be used together.
Props, though, for establishing the setting of the young sisters, and for what appears to be the setup for a Discord prank thing. I feel like that has some potential, if you can play it up a bit.
Tier: Keep Developing
>>Anon Y Mous
Alrighty then. Review Number One goin' up...
I regret being the dissenting voice here, and sure I might be missing something, but this doesn't quite do it for me. I like what you're going for, don't get me wrong; I think what you're going for is both that Sweetroot used trickery to "undo" all the riches and servants the dragon possessed, and that it would also be emotionally undone by Sweetroot's death, not its own. For the most part, I applaud the cleverness and the construction you've implemented.
Make no mistake; this is some excellent writing, and the character voicing is spot-on. I particularly liked the casual, slightly menacing way the dragon and Sweetroot negotiated over the terms, and the constant air of barely restrained menace behind cordial masks made for a compelling start. The fairy tale tone works very well too, providing a matter-of-fact approach that lets the emotion shine through without spelling it out for us (I like the implied remorse of the dragon at the end, or at least the definite tone of humbled defeat). So whatever else I say, the actual technical writing and flow is suh-weet.
What stops it short for me is the content. The actual twists and turns don't feel likely to me. In canon, dragons are exceptionally possessive of their hoard, to the point that one does a 180 on Rarity as soon as she proposes watching it, and another attacks Spike for daring to sample it. The idea of one actually giving some away, even for its own amused curiosity, never sits right with me, especially since it must cotton on to what's going on once the hoard is diminished a significant amount. Especially without any particularly strong emotional connection between the dragon and Sweetroot, I'm strained past personal suspension-of-disbelief when it comes to the ending as a result (it seems more likely the dragon would be ticked off by getting tricked, not humbled).
The other thing is that the "time" requirement feels too vague. Really, what's to stop the dragon killing Sweetroot and then claiming it was an agent of time? This is an issue in particular because the dragon actually saves Sweetroot partway through, and the reductio ad absurdum of that "time not temperature" thing is that literally no putative cause could be allowed to interfere with Sweetroot's life. People aren't killed by the abstract of "time"; people are killed by something. Even the elderly succumb to specific diseases and organ failure. It just felt too thin for me, so the dragon's implied arc feels rickety as a result.
I'd put this as a solid entry. Despite my problems with the twists and logic of the plot, this still feels like a professional work, well-constructed in the abstract and with an exceptionally comfortable and nigh-effortless writing style.
Alrighty then. Review Number One goin' up...
I regret being the dissenting voice here, and sure I might be missing something, but this doesn't quite do it for me. I like what you're going for, don't get me wrong; I think what you're going for is both that Sweetroot used trickery to "undo" all the riches and servants the dragon possessed, and that it would also be emotionally undone by Sweetroot's death, not its own. For the most part, I applaud the cleverness and the construction you've implemented.
Make no mistake; this is some excellent writing, and the character voicing is spot-on. I particularly liked the casual, slightly menacing way the dragon and Sweetroot negotiated over the terms, and the constant air of barely restrained menace behind cordial masks made for a compelling start. The fairy tale tone works very well too, providing a matter-of-fact approach that lets the emotion shine through without spelling it out for us (I like the implied remorse of the dragon at the end, or at least the definite tone of humbled defeat). So whatever else I say, the actual technical writing and flow is suh-weet.
What stops it short for me is the content. The actual twists and turns don't feel likely to me. In canon, dragons are exceptionally possessive of their hoard, to the point that one does a 180 on Rarity as soon as she proposes watching it, and another attacks Spike for daring to sample it. The idea of one actually giving some away, even for its own amused curiosity, never sits right with me, especially since it must cotton on to what's going on once the hoard is diminished a significant amount. Especially without any particularly strong emotional connection between the dragon and Sweetroot, I'm strained past personal suspension-of-disbelief when it comes to the ending as a result (it seems more likely the dragon would be ticked off by getting tricked, not humbled).
The other thing is that the "time" requirement feels too vague. Really, what's to stop the dragon killing Sweetroot and then claiming it was an agent of time? This is an issue in particular because the dragon actually saves Sweetroot partway through, and the reductio ad absurdum of that "time not temperature" thing is that literally no putative cause could be allowed to interfere with Sweetroot's life. People aren't killed by the abstract of "time"; people are killed by something. Even the elderly succumb to specific diseases and organ failure. It just felt too thin for me, so the dragon's implied arc feels rickety as a result.
I'd put this as a solid entry. Despite my problems with the twists and logic of the plot, this still feels like a professional work, well-constructed in the abstract and with an exceptionally comfortable and nigh-effortless writing style.
This is not bad, per se, and I'm totally onboard for Luna knowing the Grim Reaper. The characters are depicted convincingly; I had a clear idea what kind of monster Grogar was early on, and the fic kept that up well. Buried under all this is a range of great ideas, such as Grogar's necromancy powers over Death, and the way his resurrection works. There's also a layer of un-pony darkness here that I can dig.
Some of the dialogue's got a bad case of "as you know" syndrome, wherein the way some characters speak is clearly only there to give exposition they themselves already know. For example, the very last line of the fic from Luna is unbelievably unnatural in how it elucidates her relationship with Death, and Grogar's main speech after "Finally," is riddled with the stuff. Next time, I think you should either work it into the dialogue more reasonably (say, by having it prompted by another character who doesn't, in fact, already know) or just do yourself a favour and come out and say it outside the dialogue. There's no shame in the narrator explaining things to us instead of the characters; at least with narrators, we expect them to be unnaturally informative.
On a minor note, I got who the bearded one was. I just think it's less problematic to just call him Star Swirl. Why dance about it?
Did like the way Grogar instantly targeted Fluttershy as his number one victim. What a bastard! No complaints there (I'm kinda sick).
I'd put this at the middle of the pack. It's not shabby by any means, with plenty of meat to chew on, but the style of delivery for that meat is really inelegant. And while I won't penalize a fic for having no arc or development (hey, that stuff's hard to do, I get it), this didn't even really have a strong tone. It wanted one, with its posthumous setting and talk of necromancers and gory revenge, but the language could use more figurative techniques to evoke a dark, cruel, bleak tone. At the mo, it's kinda too dry to pull it off completely.
Some of the dialogue's got a bad case of "as you know" syndrome, wherein the way some characters speak is clearly only there to give exposition they themselves already know. For example, the very last line of the fic from Luna is unbelievably unnatural in how it elucidates her relationship with Death, and Grogar's main speech after "Finally," is riddled with the stuff. Next time, I think you should either work it into the dialogue more reasonably (say, by having it prompted by another character who doesn't, in fact, already know) or just do yourself a favour and come out and say it outside the dialogue. There's no shame in the narrator explaining things to us instead of the characters; at least with narrators, we expect them to be unnaturally informative.
On a minor note, I got who the bearded one was. I just think it's less problematic to just call him Star Swirl. Why dance about it?
Did like the way Grogar instantly targeted Fluttershy as his number one victim. What a bastard! No complaints there (I'm kinda sick).
I'd put this at the middle of the pack. It's not shabby by any means, with plenty of meat to chew on, but the style of delivery for that meat is really inelegant. And while I won't penalize a fic for having no arc or development (hey, that stuff's hard to do, I get it), this didn't even really have a strong tone. It wanted one, with its posthumous setting and talk of necromancers and gory revenge, but the language could use more figurative techniques to evoke a dark, cruel, bleak tone. At the mo, it's kinda too dry to pull it off completely.
(Note that I normally don’t review pony stuff, and I don’t vote on pony rounds.) I will double down on what BCVI said. First, that apologue doesn’t feel pony at all. There’s a veneer of it, but replace the pony by a normal human, and you get the same flavor. It’s more of an aesop than a true pony story.
But even then I can’t help but thinking this sounds like a rip-off of some eastern fable I’m not aware of, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find the like of it in a Chinese or Japanese folktales book. And it is quite cliché, with the rich, evil and dimwitted dragon and the poor, benevolent and shrewd pony. Ergo, the morals here pretty predictable from the onset. Not even to mention how unrealistic is the change the dragon undergoes from a feral beast to a total pushover.
Kudos for the prose, though.
But even then I can’t help but thinking this sounds like a rip-off of some eastern fable I’m not aware of, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find the like of it in a Chinese or Japanese folktales book. And it is quite cliché, with the rich, evil and dimwitted dragon and the poor, benevolent and shrewd pony. Ergo, the morals here pretty predictable from the onset. Not even to mention how unrealistic is the change the dragon undergoes from a feral beast to a total pushover.
Kudos for the prose, though.
tfw: You reread your story just for the heck of it only to notice the typos that surely weren't there before. [facepalm]
Man, I ain't writing full reviews every single time. From now on, I'll try to get to the point.
Also, I should've said this earlier, but I do have biases and I'm makin' no pretence that I'll be able to see past them all (for instance, I might be more forgiving of a fic if it's horror-based or comedic than if it's a straight drama, I'll generally look at character more than plotting, and so on).
That said...
I like this one. It feels to me like "Lesson Zero" done right, where the focus is more on Spike snapping Twilight out of her funk than on Twilight's "amusing" shenanigans. Also, I can actually sympathize with Twilight's perfectionism here (attempted sabotage is a huge deal) and the constant, insecure rechecking is something I see all the time.The ambiguity early on over whether Twi is being hypersensitive or has actually detected something plays into that; for a while, I genuinely wasn't sure which way this was going to go, making it easier to appreciate where Twilight's coming from.
The character interplay, the way Twilight's tics aren't blown out of proportion but are still clearly a bit extreme, the rapport between Spike and Twilight... I skew heavily towards character, and this had it. Top contender, as far as I'm concerned.
I suppose if I had to criticize it, I'd say I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that the way Twilight explains her perfectionism isn't quite on target. The difference is that saying "being a schoolfilly is beneath me" implies a snobbish attitude towards schoolfillies which I can't imagine Twilight holding, whereas "being me, I'll probably screw up" feels more in-character (and is, frankly, more relatable). But in the broad sweep, we get the point.
On a minor technical point, I did notice missing elements here and there, like missing words or missing commas. Needed a smoother proofread to finish.
But ultimately, this is about Spike's reaction to Twilight, and he's where the fic shines, so kudos for his characterization. I always like seeing the poor kid as the voice of reason.
Also, I should've said this earlier, but I do have biases and I'm makin' no pretence that I'll be able to see past them all (for instance, I might be more forgiving of a fic if it's horror-based or comedic than if it's a straight drama, I'll generally look at character more than plotting, and so on).
That said...
I like this one. It feels to me like "Lesson Zero" done right, where the focus is more on Spike snapping Twilight out of her funk than on Twilight's "amusing" shenanigans. Also, I can actually sympathize with Twilight's perfectionism here (attempted sabotage is a huge deal) and the constant, insecure rechecking is something I see all the time.The ambiguity early on over whether Twi is being hypersensitive or has actually detected something plays into that; for a while, I genuinely wasn't sure which way this was going to go, making it easier to appreciate where Twilight's coming from.
The character interplay, the way Twilight's tics aren't blown out of proportion but are still clearly a bit extreme, the rapport between Spike and Twilight... I skew heavily towards character, and this had it. Top contender, as far as I'm concerned.
I suppose if I had to criticize it, I'd say I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that the way Twilight explains her perfectionism isn't quite on target. The difference is that saying "being a schoolfilly is beneath me" implies a snobbish attitude towards schoolfillies which I can't imagine Twilight holding, whereas "being me, I'll probably screw up" feels more in-character (and is, frankly, more relatable). But in the broad sweep, we get the point.
On a minor technical point, I did notice missing elements here and there, like missing words or missing commas. Needed a smoother proofread to finish.
But ultimately, this is about Spike's reaction to Twilight, and he's where the fic shines, so kudos for his characterization. I always like seeing the poor kid as the voice of reason.
I can tell this has a couple of problems, but I still like it. It's a new angle on the AK-Daring dynamic, Prognosis is amusingly weirded out by all this medically alarming physical abuse, and there's a neat reality check where he points out she's only got a few years to live if she carries on like this. Those concepts are great, fresh, and a fine way of bringing the action hero shenanigans under a more rational spotlight. Which is always fun. >:D
That said, the ending drops dead. As does AK-Daring's character to a degree. This sort of thing could be played for cruel comedy (and kinda is for poor Prognosis, which I like), and there's a no-nonsense dramatic angle here (you bring up his interpretations, and damn if that's not what I'd be thinking in that position). Of course, Daring has to do something to protect her identity, and the mind-wipe is passable as a plot device. But then... she acts like there's no big news, and it just doesn't work. If she doesn't care about the results, why would she bother?
That's the point; funny as it is, dramatic as it is, it's also cruel and no-nonsense up until the ending. There's some serious stuff in here, and it feels like you dropped the ball when it came time to capturing it for the grand finale. I mean, she's been told she's a mass of scar tissue years away from death. You're just gonna gloss over that for a "restraints" joke? It felt bathic, and for entirely the wrong reasons, like you promised me a rich pizza and then served up a crouton.
But, until that point, I was mostly enjoying it, so I'll call this one a strong contender, or at least in the upper quarter. We'll have to see how the competition fares. Put me in the >>Chris category of "nine-tenths good" but "change the ending".
That said, the ending drops dead. As does AK-Daring's character to a degree. This sort of thing could be played for cruel comedy (and kinda is for poor Prognosis, which I like), and there's a no-nonsense dramatic angle here (you bring up his interpretations, and damn if that's not what I'd be thinking in that position). Of course, Daring has to do something to protect her identity, and the mind-wipe is passable as a plot device. But then... she acts like there's no big news, and it just doesn't work. If she doesn't care about the results, why would she bother?
That's the point; funny as it is, dramatic as it is, it's also cruel and no-nonsense up until the ending. There's some serious stuff in here, and it feels like you dropped the ball when it came time to capturing it for the grand finale. I mean, she's been told she's a mass of scar tissue years away from death. You're just gonna gloss over that for a "restraints" joke? It felt bathic, and for entirely the wrong reasons, like you promised me a rich pizza and then served up a crouton.
But, until that point, I was mostly enjoying it, so I'll call this one a strong contender, or at least in the upper quarter. We'll have to see how the competition fares. Put me in the >>Chris category of "nine-tenths good" but "change the ending".
Most people have brought up the rushed beginning, but I kinda feel like the ending speeds past in a "BAM, plot point, BAM, plot point" manner too. Especially with Trixie's turnaround; she spends most of the fic fighting Twilight for this spell, even during the song at the end, but then she just puts the book back? I guess that duet about fake and real magic is meant to explain it, but it's vague and sure feels tenuous at best.
The middle? See everyone else's comments, because I'm not saying anything new here. I liked the creativity, I liked Trixie constantly one-upping Twilight, I liked the weird ways the format changed, I even liked the bits of drama in the song at the end (whether the drama itself was good is something else entirely). Also, Trixie here is a hoot. I love what a selfish troublemaker she is, especially contrasted with Twilight's barely calm "voice-of-reason" approach. More stuff like this, please.
I do get the sense the word limit was against you here, especially with that intro and final scene. Maybe one more scene change or a little more elegant intro would have worked wonders, but eh, what's there is great. Solid entry, possibly top of the team (sorry: those rushed bits really do work against it).
The middle? See everyone else's comments, because I'm not saying anything new here. I liked the creativity, I liked Trixie constantly one-upping Twilight, I liked the weird ways the format changed, I even liked the bits of drama in the song at the end (whether the drama itself was good is something else entirely). Also, Trixie here is a hoot. I love what a selfish troublemaker she is, especially contrasted with Twilight's barely calm "voice-of-reason" approach. More stuff like this, please.
I do get the sense the word limit was against you here, especially with that intro and final scene. Maybe one more scene change or a little more elegant intro would have worked wonders, but eh, what's there is great. Solid entry, possibly top of the team (sorry: those rushed bits really do work against it).
Yeah, I ain't gonna lie: I see the unfortunate implications here too. Work ethic is all very well, but this feels needlessly self-depreciating, even self-punishing, for no obvious benefit to Push Broom.
Which is a shame, because I think it would only require a little tweaking to make this work. For instance, you could have her just go at the end (it's not hard to assume the grumpy uncle stays out of some misguided loyalty or spite). Or you could edit the "everyone's allowed off" part to "this is an emergency cleanup" part (the changeling invasion was mentioned). Or you could have her actually enjoy the job and her uncle's company (some people do). Or you could link their denial of the time-off with a more tragic angle, like they're denying themselves a moment's special fun completely pointlessly because of some mental block. Any one of these minor edits would have pushed it into less awkward territory.
That said, I do like the individual elements. The uncle's curmudgeonly approach with occasional soft-hearted charity was neat. I do like the way Push Broom's loathing and awe was conveyed early on, and in a vacuum I like the way the uncle's soft side is conveyed at the end. It's moments like these, taken on their own, which make me think the whole "happiness in misery" angle is an unintended byproduct of trying to mash up the first half with a more loyalist angle in the second half.
I mean, I don't seriously think you're implying she should give up a rare piece of enjoyment for a job she clearly hates with someone who annoys her. But there does need to be less "I hate this I hate this ooh prestigious castle ooh princess" and much more of what we got at the ending; more implication that she does see plenty of good in the job and in her uncle.
So... I guess middle of the pack or solid entry. It's hard because I keep seeing the fic I think you wanted to write, and it's twisting my view of the fic you actually wrote, and I don't know if that's something to reward or punish. If you get my drift?
Which is a shame, because I think it would only require a little tweaking to make this work. For instance, you could have her just go at the end (it's not hard to assume the grumpy uncle stays out of some misguided loyalty or spite). Or you could edit the "everyone's allowed off" part to "this is an emergency cleanup" part (the changeling invasion was mentioned). Or you could have her actually enjoy the job and her uncle's company (some people do). Or you could link their denial of the time-off with a more tragic angle, like they're denying themselves a moment's special fun completely pointlessly because of some mental block. Any one of these minor edits would have pushed it into less awkward territory.
That said, I do like the individual elements. The uncle's curmudgeonly approach with occasional soft-hearted charity was neat. I do like the way Push Broom's loathing and awe was conveyed early on, and in a vacuum I like the way the uncle's soft side is conveyed at the end. It's moments like these, taken on their own, which make me think the whole "happiness in misery" angle is an unintended byproduct of trying to mash up the first half with a more loyalist angle in the second half.
I mean, I don't seriously think you're implying she should give up a rare piece of enjoyment for a job she clearly hates with someone who annoys her. But there does need to be less "I hate this I hate this ooh prestigious castle ooh princess" and much more of what we got at the ending; more implication that she does see plenty of good in the job and in her uncle.
So... I guess middle of the pack or solid entry. It's hard because I keep seeing the fic I think you wanted to write, and it's twisting my view of the fic you actually wrote, and I don't know if that's something to reward or punish. If you get my drift?
I think I'll post a couple more reviews for the low-comments fics and then come back later. OK, here we go:
The idea behind this one is amusing - Opal is secretly the spawn of hell, and apparently most cats may or may not be like this - but that's really all I like about this one. The mechanics of the idea are there: what Opal's like when she's alone with Spike, what she's like when Sweetie Belle's around as a potential witness who needs to be kept in the dark, and what happens after Sweetie Belle leaves. Innocents turning into hellions to make like awful for some poor sap is an amusing enough conceit.
It's just... the text is really rough, which trips me up repeatedly when I'm trying to get into the flow. Capital letters out of place, missing commas, bad formatting around speech and action: the story's presentation is immersion-breaking every time these keep cropping up. There's also no real doubling-down on tone. Opal's doing some scary stuff here, but the dialogue and description in the prose are so matter-of-fact it doesn't even remotely evoke fear or terror. You can't just describe stuff; you have to play around with the language, use figurative devices, manage sentence structure and focus like a movie director creating vivid imagery. At the moment, this is just so simple it's uninteresting, and that's a shame when you've got such a funny-horrific concept here.
Sorry, mate. This one's not gonna rank highly on my slate. But take heart: it can be salvaged. If you think about or read about how to use language for effect - say, from watching horror movies for director tips or reading style guides for general principles - you could spruce this up into something that makes 'em laugh (haha, demon cats!) and/or makes them scream (oh my god, demon cats!). Tidy it up, and you could be onto something golden here.
The idea behind this one is amusing - Opal is secretly the spawn of hell, and apparently most cats may or may not be like this - but that's really all I like about this one. The mechanics of the idea are there: what Opal's like when she's alone with Spike, what she's like when Sweetie Belle's around as a potential witness who needs to be kept in the dark, and what happens after Sweetie Belle leaves. Innocents turning into hellions to make like awful for some poor sap is an amusing enough conceit.
It's just... the text is really rough, which trips me up repeatedly when I'm trying to get into the flow. Capital letters out of place, missing commas, bad formatting around speech and action: the story's presentation is immersion-breaking every time these keep cropping up. There's also no real doubling-down on tone. Opal's doing some scary stuff here, but the dialogue and description in the prose are so matter-of-fact it doesn't even remotely evoke fear or terror. You can't just describe stuff; you have to play around with the language, use figurative devices, manage sentence structure and focus like a movie director creating vivid imagery. At the moment, this is just so simple it's uninteresting, and that's a shame when you've got such a funny-horrific concept here.
Sorry, mate. This one's not gonna rank highly on my slate. But take heart: it can be salvaged. If you think about or read about how to use language for effect - say, from watching horror movies for director tips or reading style guides for general principles - you could spruce this up into something that makes 'em laugh (haha, demon cats!) and/or makes them scream (oh my god, demon cats!). Tidy it up, and you could be onto something golden here.
I'm not gonna be too hard and complain about the stanza-jumping, not least of all because poetry is not high on my resume. On the other hand, I can hardly give it a pass when using structure is the very point of making a poem, so you're guaranteed not to end up a top contender just for that alone. Sorry. It's part of the deal when you sign up for poetry. You pays your money and you takes your choice, and all that.
That said, getting past the rhyming and accenting and all that, the actual story is pleasant. Thunderlane resents being second to Rainbow, and that "curse of the second place" thing is easy to sympathize with. It's nice you filled in a bit of the reasoning, such as his Dad's encouragement and his excellence in other departments. I also quite like his chat with Flutters (though "meditations of the ancients..."? Has she met Treehugger by now, then?). It's not a pair you see interacting very often, and I love that.
The "slowing down and appreciating beauty" thing I kinda like too. Especially in a competitive environment, it is nice to appreciate a much more laid-back and even kinda... spiritual angle? It's trite as hell, but I don't care when it's done well enough here. I do think it could've come into play earlier and felt more like a struggle or a choice, but it's still a nice way to end.
Maybe this should've been done in prose, because there's no obvious reason to make a poem out of this story. It also doesn't feel particularly ambitious or deep. I'll call it a tentative solid entry, but at the lower end of that rank, because it's at least a sugary sweet read and I really, really dig "poor Thunder's" conflict.
That said, getting past the rhyming and accenting and all that, the actual story is pleasant. Thunderlane resents being second to Rainbow, and that "curse of the second place" thing is easy to sympathize with. It's nice you filled in a bit of the reasoning, such as his Dad's encouragement and his excellence in other departments. I also quite like his chat with Flutters (though "meditations of the ancients..."? Has she met Treehugger by now, then?). It's not a pair you see interacting very often, and I love that.
The "slowing down and appreciating beauty" thing I kinda like too. Especially in a competitive environment, it is nice to appreciate a much more laid-back and even kinda... spiritual angle? It's trite as hell, but I don't care when it's done well enough here. I do think it could've come into play earlier and felt more like a struggle or a choice, but it's still a nice way to end.
Maybe this should've been done in prose, because there's no obvious reason to make a poem out of this story. It also doesn't feel particularly ambitious or deep. I'll call it a tentative solid entry, but at the lower end of that rank, because it's at least a sugary sweet read and I really, really dig "poor Thunder's" conflict.
Genre: Demon Cat
Thoughts: This is a nice little functional complete story with a fair amount of movement and dialogue. That might sound like I'm damning with faint praise, but my point is that there's a solid foundation here that already delivers reasonably well on its concept.
What's missing is polish. I feel like the prose is sufficient but not overly engaging in itself. I could also use a bit more setup or whatnot for the cat going Full Demon Mode. It's not that it doesn't basically work in the end, it's just that it comes so far out of left field as to almost seem random. Even just some vague hints of a horror-comedy setup near the beginning would help, as right now the story telegraphs slice-of-life... until it doesn't.
But in the grand scheme of things, all the stuff I just mentioned is pretty fixable. I'll put this in my KD tier but it's got good bones.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: This is a nice little functional complete story with a fair amount of movement and dialogue. That might sound like I'm damning with faint praise, but my point is that there's a solid foundation here that already delivers reasonably well on its concept.
What's missing is polish. I feel like the prose is sufficient but not overly engaging in itself. I could also use a bit more setup or whatnot for the cat going Full Demon Mode. It's not that it doesn't basically work in the end, it's just that it comes so far out of left field as to almost seem random. Even just some vague hints of a horror-comedy setup near the beginning would help, as right now the story telegraphs slice-of-life... until it doesn't.
But in the grand scheme of things, all the stuff I just mentioned is pretty fixable. I'll put this in my KD tier but it's got good bones.
Tier: Keep Developing
Having been in Japan for a few months at a time, I see nothing particularly stereotypical about this, although I agree with >>Miller Minus that's it's not particularly Japanese either. I also don't see anything particularly eye-catching. I might have appreciated it more if the reason for Celestia's illness was more transparent (the wasabi, perhaps?).
What did the opening scene do for the overall story? You could have started with the dinner and been fine, even had more word room to spice it up.
On the whole, it's not bad, but it doesn't stand out either. Firm middle ground placement for me.
On an unrelated note, I can confirm that the Japanese really know how to make cake. Seriously, their desserts are awesome.
What did the opening scene do for the overall story? You could have started with the dinner and been fine, even had more word room to spice it up.
On the whole, it's not bad, but it doesn't stand out either. Firm middle ground placement for me.
On an unrelated note, I can confirm that the Japanese really know how to make cake. Seriously, their desserts are awesome.
Interesting. And unusual in its manner, given that it interprets the dragon as reasonable from the get-go. Still, I find it creative enough in concept and moral. I'd like to see someone take this idea and turn it into something much bigger, a multi-chapter story that lets us get into the dragon's and the pony's heads so that the events feel less contrived.
Despite my hesitation to praise it to high heaven, it's certainly a solid entry and the best one I've read so far.
Despite my hesitation to praise it to high heaven, it's certainly a solid entry and the best one I've read so far.
Alright, author, time to get ambitious: I expect a story on FIMFiction with at least one diary entry for each of the Mane 6, Spike, possibly each of the Princesses, and at least three for Trixie (opening, interlude, and conclusion). Even if only half are written with the skill of this, it would be a wonderful addition.
>>No_Raisin
Normally, I don't dare to critique a critique, and not only because we all have our biases and likes and dislikes, fair enough, and we can't bloat the comments beyond all reason, and no one should feel like they can't give an honest opinion. Most of all, I also feel flat-out unqualified to do so, and I don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black.
But... Really? If you're reviewing the thing, it would be more gracious to actually review it as a thing. Some poor devil worked on this; I can't speak for them, but I think they would appreciate at least some semblance of constructive feedback. To be honest, if this were a comment to one of my own, I'd be deeply disappointed.
OK, moving on. Back to you, author.
Fair enough, there is the question of why you wrote this as a poem. Unlike prose, it's atypical, so we usually assume some special reason for it. It's not a fatal question, by any means, and at least it's a fun change of pace. The problem I see here is in the odd scheme you used. Each stanza starts rhyming faster as it nears the end, and while that gives it a running, jaunty feel at the start, after a while it's just too distracting. The actual content doesn't feel like it benefits from speeding up at those specific points, like she's always getting stressed and then winding down, so the discrepancy becomes confusing and even slightly irritating after a while.
As for the content, I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything's assessment. The little flourishes of characterization (Chrysalis being a spoiled brat who complains about her "ungrateful" subjects is totally believable) and the sort of weird villain humour are lovely little touches that help the perspective. But ultimately, this is a retelling of A Canterlot Wedding with a new POV and a stylish twist. My point is, beyond that, it doesn't feel substantial enough.
I mean, if you'd elaborated more on those flourishes, turned them from icing into cake, I might like it a lot more as a standalone piece. Capitalize on those asides more, and maybe give it some deeper or more overarching purpose. For instance, you strongly hint that Chrysalis is highly resentful of her hive despite performing her duty. Great! That could feature more in the action, such as her dealing with a mutiny or punishing changelings for minor infractions. And there could be a broader theme to this, like examining her hubris or emphasizing the irony of a love-eating creature being such an unlikeable bitch.
The retelling of the double-parter and the choice to use a counterproductive poetic structure drag this fic down to mid-tier for me, but a high mid-tier. I did, ultimately, enjoy reading it, and you deserve credit for that. Those two elements need to be reconsidered, though, if you want to make a starring entry out of this material.
Normally, I don't dare to critique a critique, and not only because we all have our biases and likes and dislikes, fair enough, and we can't bloat the comments beyond all reason, and no one should feel like they can't give an honest opinion. Most of all, I also feel flat-out unqualified to do so, and I don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black.
But... Really? If you're reviewing the thing, it would be more gracious to actually review it as a thing. Some poor devil worked on this; I can't speak for them, but I think they would appreciate at least some semblance of constructive feedback. To be honest, if this were a comment to one of my own, I'd be deeply disappointed.
OK, moving on. Back to you, author.
Fair enough, there is the question of why you wrote this as a poem. Unlike prose, it's atypical, so we usually assume some special reason for it. It's not a fatal question, by any means, and at least it's a fun change of pace. The problem I see here is in the odd scheme you used. Each stanza starts rhyming faster as it nears the end, and while that gives it a running, jaunty feel at the start, after a while it's just too distracting. The actual content doesn't feel like it benefits from speeding up at those specific points, like she's always getting stressed and then winding down, so the discrepancy becomes confusing and even slightly irritating after a while.
As for the content, I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything's assessment. The little flourishes of characterization (Chrysalis being a spoiled brat who complains about her "ungrateful" subjects is totally believable) and the sort of weird villain humour are lovely little touches that help the perspective. But ultimately, this is a retelling of A Canterlot Wedding with a new POV and a stylish twist. My point is, beyond that, it doesn't feel substantial enough.
I mean, if you'd elaborated more on those flourishes, turned them from icing into cake, I might like it a lot more as a standalone piece. Capitalize on those asides more, and maybe give it some deeper or more overarching purpose. For instance, you strongly hint that Chrysalis is highly resentful of her hive despite performing her duty. Great! That could feature more in the action, such as her dealing with a mutiny or punishing changelings for minor infractions. And there could be a broader theme to this, like examining her hubris or emphasizing the irony of a love-eating creature being such an unlikeable bitch.
The retelling of the double-parter and the choice to use a counterproductive poetic structure drag this fic down to mid-tier for me, but a high mid-tier. I did, ultimately, enjoy reading it, and you deserve credit for that. Those two elements need to be reconsidered, though, if you want to make a starring entry out of this material.
Ahhh, sweet, sweet hedonism. I always wondered what everyone’s preoccupation was with treating money like weather. Dollar/coin angels, swimming in one’s own fortune, making it rain teh monies... it’s all very, very curious.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one old enough to date myself by having lived through the Bush Sr. antics in Japan.
Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one old enough to date myself by having lived through the Bush Sr. antics in Japan.
Genre: Creative Writing
Thoughts: First off, I have to give the Author props for their gleeful channeling of Terry Pratchett/Douglas Adams. This started on a high note and stayed pretty funny throughout.
With that said, though, as I was reading, I eventually hit the point where it felt less like we were having fun and more like the Author was determined to show off just how hard they could Terry their Pratchett at the audience. It's possibly a consequence of there not being any firm understanding of the creator character or her world, which limits how invested I can get. The time scale is also tricky, with millions and billions of years whizzing past, only to end with the creator recording individual nights? I am confuse.
But just as the creator character was able to refine her creation, so do I think a little tweaking by the Author could make this more fun and satisfying. Consider dialing-down how manic it gets, and giving us more worldbuilding about the creator and her realm. Tying it a bit more strongly to MLP would be great too, as right now ponies get mentioned but there's nothing about this that would require it to be ponies.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: First off, I have to give the Author props for their gleeful channeling of Terry Pratchett/Douglas Adams. This started on a high note and stayed pretty funny throughout.
With that said, though, as I was reading, I eventually hit the point where it felt less like we were having fun and more like the Author was determined to show off just how hard they could Terry their Pratchett at the audience. It's possibly a consequence of there not being any firm understanding of the creator character or her world, which limits how invested I can get. The time scale is also tricky, with millions and billions of years whizzing past, only to end with the creator recording individual nights? I am confuse.
But just as the creator character was able to refine her creation, so do I think a little tweaking by the Author could make this more fun and satisfying. Consider dialing-down how manic it gets, and giving us more worldbuilding about the creator and her realm. Tying it a bit more strongly to MLP would be great too, as right now ponies get mentioned but there's nothing about this that would require it to be ponies.
Tier: Keep Developing
>>Trick_Question actually got me thinking, He's got a point there. Like a really good point, because how ridiculous is it that a school, even a high-tier school like Celestia's, have the minimum be an A? Who would even be able to meet that?
That's weird on its own, but it also undermines what the story is trying to say about Sunset's character, because it justifies her obsessiveness by basically saying she'd need to be even more solipsistic in order to pass.
So yeah, going to have to lower my score to a decent to strong 7 on this one.
That's weird on its own, but it also undermines what the story is trying to say about Sunset's character, because it justifies her obsessiveness by basically saying she'd need to be even more solipsistic in order to pass.
So yeah, going to have to lower my score to a decent to strong 7 on this one.
How did I skip over this one the first time around? How did it manage to escape my clutches?
BUT NO LONGER!
Anyway, I'm really feeling the satire here.
I feel like this entry would leave a sour taste in my mouth if I liked the whole Friendship School concept, but since I have no respect for that part of the show I find this to be a good little piece of catharsis.
That said, though, there are some problems I have with this.
First, and this has been pointed out already, some more proofreading would have helped a good deal, with both the phrasing and also the occasional typo. This looks rough. Not terrible, but it needs some work in this area.
Also, the setup for the interview is kind of awkward, and the exposition on the interviewer's part also struck me as forced.
The interview itself though, while I didn't laugh I had this devilish grin as I saw Ocellus slowly dig her own grave.
The ending is priceless, of course. I can re-read that part repeatedly.
I'm feeling a strong 7 to a light 8 on this.
BUT NO LONGER!
Anyway, I'm really feeling the satire here.
I feel like this entry would leave a sour taste in my mouth if I liked the whole Friendship School concept, but since I have no respect for that part of the show I find this to be a good little piece of catharsis.
That said, though, there are some problems I have with this.
First, and this has been pointed out already, some more proofreading would have helped a good deal, with both the phrasing and also the occasional typo. This looks rough. Not terrible, but it needs some work in this area.
Also, the setup for the interview is kind of awkward, and the exposition on the interviewer's part also struck me as forced.
The interview itself though, while I didn't laugh I had this devilish grin as I saw Ocellus slowly dig her own grave.
The ending is priceless, of course. I can re-read that part repeatedly.
I'm feeling a strong 7 to a light 8 on this.
I want to like this more than I do. Not to say I dislike it, but there are some serious issues to be addressed here.
It's been noted before, but the prose and general cleanness of the writing is wonky. When I say cleanness, I'm referring to how much proofreading is recommended, which in this case is quite a bit.
I like how the prose style is generally playful, and the author even gets away with alliteration (the bane of my existence) because of this, but stuff like dialogue attribution and a lack of commas where they're needed throws me off.
Opal sounded better than everyone else, easily. If she could talk, she would probably sound like this.
Spike is less convincing, unfortunately. He's okay, but he acts too stiff for his own good, and the writing quirks I've mentioned don't help either.
Despite all these problems, this is still a solid, funny, and pretty accurate story about taking care of a grouchy cat, and it certainly has the potential to be more than what it is.
I'm feeling a strong 6 to a very light 7 on this.
It's been noted before, but the prose and general cleanness of the writing is wonky. When I say cleanness, I'm referring to how much proofreading is recommended, which in this case is quite a bit.
I like how the prose style is generally playful, and the author even gets away with alliteration (the bane of my existence) because of this, but stuff like dialogue attribution and a lack of commas where they're needed throws me off.
Opal sounded better than everyone else, easily. If she could talk, she would probably sound like this.
Spike is less convincing, unfortunately. He's okay, but he acts too stiff for his own good, and the writing quirks I've mentioned don't help either.
Despite all these problems, this is still a solid, funny, and pretty accurate story about taking care of a grouchy cat, and it certainly has the potential to be more than what it is.
I'm feeling a strong 6 to a very light 7 on this.