Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
There are definitely things here that I like. The splashes of humor, the EQG headcanon, and most of the dialog does feel good. But as a whole, I think this could use a bit of elbow grease before it works the way it was probably intended.
For such a dialogue-heavy piece, you need to be really careful to maintain a sense of forward flow. Unfortunately, there are places where it drags, such as when Sunset tries to list out the members of the Mane 6 as ponies Spike can talk to instead. I've given this advice before, but I think you can really benefit from trimming the fat, here. Moments like this really slow things down and makes it hard for the reader to focus on the primary conflict.
Speaking of, the main focus of the story is awfully hard to parse. I think the lesson that Spike learns is too vague, and it doesn't payoff satisfyingly.
Now, there's a chance that since I'm not really a fan of EQG, my judgement might be a bit clouded. I admit that I have trouble understanding what makes Sunset tick. But in the end, I really feel that the thematic vagueness and the wandering dialogue need to be reined in before this story can really shine.
For such a dialogue-heavy piece, you need to be really careful to maintain a sense of forward flow. Unfortunately, there are places where it drags, such as when Sunset tries to list out the members of the Mane 6 as ponies Spike can talk to instead. I've given this advice before, but I think you can really benefit from trimming the fat, here. Moments like this really slow things down and makes it hard for the reader to focus on the primary conflict.
Speaking of, the main focus of the story is awfully hard to parse. I think the lesson that Spike learns is too vague, and it doesn't payoff satisfyingly.
Now, there's a chance that since I'm not really a fan of EQG, my judgement might be a bit clouded. I admit that I have trouble understanding what makes Sunset tick. But in the end, I really feel that the thematic vagueness and the wandering dialogue need to be reined in before this story can really shine.
This kind of story is going to elicit a wide range of reactions from your readers, simply because of its experimental nature. My own entirely subjective take, is that I had trouble enjoying it as a whole.
On a surface level, it's easy to follow along and to know what's physically (or mentally) happening to Cadance. I think this was a good decision, because this low price of entry is somewhat offset by the difficulty of deciphering what this story means. I've heard a few explanations in the DIscord chat, and I think they are all very interesting and hold merit. But still, the fact that I can't really select one as the interpretation I enjoy the most or think is the most likely is a problem.
Right now, this piece feels kind of like a puzzle without a solution to me. I can't help but to feel a little frustrated at it, which I realize is an entirely subjective reaction. In the end, I think I would like you to be clearer with what exactly you're trying to say, but I realize that my writing/reading style is going to clash with the inherent principle of a piece like this.
On a surface level, it's easy to follow along and to know what's physically (or mentally) happening to Cadance. I think this was a good decision, because this low price of entry is somewhat offset by the difficulty of deciphering what this story means. I've heard a few explanations in the DIscord chat, and I think they are all very interesting and hold merit. But still, the fact that I can't really select one as the interpretation I enjoy the most or think is the most likely is a problem.
Right now, this piece feels kind of like a puzzle without a solution to me. I can't help but to feel a little frustrated at it, which I realize is an entirely subjective reaction. In the end, I think I would like you to be clearer with what exactly you're trying to say, but I realize that my writing/reading style is going to clash with the inherent principle of a piece like this.
I agree with everybody else here that the worldbuilding and the ideas are really nice. It's also a very interesting twist to focus on an area where ponies are more morally grey than humans. The whole gritty "Earth-and-Equestria-meet" genre usually focuses solely on humans being the "evil" ones, so flipping that cliche on its head was super clever.
I'm not as bothered as >>Cold in Gardez was by the pacing problems, but I did notice them and I want to note it. What bothered me a tick more was the characters. So much of this story focuses on the mutual weirdness that humans and Equestrians experience when meeting each other, and much of this weirdness deals with purely physical traits. So while I understand that Panz's sense of smell, his weather-crafting, and even his name are strange and a little disturbing to Jerry, this doesn't tell us much about either Panz or Jerry in terms of their character.
I understand that much of the purpose of this story is to isolate the main character, but this does seem to clash a little with the ending, where the point seems to be that Jerry is forming connections with the other members of the border guard. The cause of this shift in tone—Jerry figuring out the smuggling scheme with his Earthly experience—does not feel emotional enough to sell itself, IMO. The ending in general also just feels a bit abrupt to me.
So, while I really liked the ideas and the tidbits of worldbuilding that we're given, I'm having trouble parsing out a wider narrative arc from this piece. If you do choose to work some more on this story, I would suggest tightening your focus on your theme and shaping your characters better in order to meet that theme.
I'm not as bothered as >>Cold in Gardez was by the pacing problems, but I did notice them and I want to note it. What bothered me a tick more was the characters. So much of this story focuses on the mutual weirdness that humans and Equestrians experience when meeting each other, and much of this weirdness deals with purely physical traits. So while I understand that Panz's sense of smell, his weather-crafting, and even his name are strange and a little disturbing to Jerry, this doesn't tell us much about either Panz or Jerry in terms of their character.
I understand that much of the purpose of this story is to isolate the main character, but this does seem to clash a little with the ending, where the point seems to be that Jerry is forming connections with the other members of the border guard. The cause of this shift in tone—Jerry figuring out the smuggling scheme with his Earthly experience—does not feel emotional enough to sell itself, IMO. The ending in general also just feels a bit abrupt to me.
So, while I really liked the ideas and the tidbits of worldbuilding that we're given, I'm having trouble parsing out a wider narrative arc from this piece. If you do choose to work some more on this story, I would suggest tightening your focus on your theme and shaping your characters better in order to meet that theme.
This is a cozy little story. You had them go out and get coffee and donuts, and it worked decently enough as an excuse for them to talk about stuff and give them something to do, as well as tied it into the whole "ponyland works out a lot more neatly than the messy human world" thing, which you also managed to tie into the complexity of romance.
I think that was a very clever angle.
This felt like one of those "Table for Two" stories that KitsuneRisu (and a bunch of other people) wrote.
And I have to admit, I didn't like those.
My biggest complain about those stories was how flat they tended to feel, and this had that same thing going for it. Most of the story was pretty tepid, and it was only at the end, when Sunset is trying to awkwardly explain the difference between the human world and Equestria in terms of romantic complexity and choosing, that it really felt like it had anything that really snagged my attention. I liked that, and I thought that was a clever angle on the whole - you did a good job of tying together three different things in the ending, and I always like to see that, as the pieces came together.
But at the same time, I was just left feeling kind of lukewarm, and the first half of this story didn't particularly snag my attention.
This isn't really my kind of story, though, so I'm not sure if I'm the best point of feedback on what you want to do with it. If you're targeting the same audience as KitsuneRisu was, then that's not me.
I think that was a very clever angle.
This felt like one of those "Table for Two" stories that KitsuneRisu (and a bunch of other people) wrote.
And I have to admit, I didn't like those.
My biggest complain about those stories was how flat they tended to feel, and this had that same thing going for it. Most of the story was pretty tepid, and it was only at the end, when Sunset is trying to awkwardly explain the difference between the human world and Equestria in terms of romantic complexity and choosing, that it really felt like it had anything that really snagged my attention. I liked that, and I thought that was a clever angle on the whole - you did a good job of tying together three different things in the ending, and I always like to see that, as the pieces came together.
But at the same time, I was just left feeling kind of lukewarm, and the first half of this story didn't particularly snag my attention.
This isn't really my kind of story, though, so I'm not sure if I'm the best point of feedback on what you want to do with it. If you're targeting the same audience as KitsuneRisu was, then that's not me.
I liked this story. It actually made me laugh.
I do enjoy the idea that the pie sisters are all weirdos in their own little ways, and then the line about Pinkie being nuts came along, and of course, it was hilarious because not only was I thinking the same thing, but it was pretty clear that, no, the rest of them are pretty nuts (and possibly even crazier than Pinkie in their own special little ways).
Limestone's obsession with Holder's Boulder is fun, but she's more than that, and this story manages to make her very funny by her not being funny, but she is not funny in a different way from how Maud is not funny. This is actually probably my favorite depiction of Limestone in any story I've read, and I was chuckling at her pretty much the whole way through.
Limestone having to take care of a foal and being bad at it is actually pretty fun to watch - well, read - and the ways in which she's bad at it feel entirely consistent with her character.
Where this story falls down, though, is that it feels like there's a big bit of character development that should have happened, but didn't. We start to see Limestone softening up, and then we cut to the end of the week, where things have progressed and characters have changed, without it feeling like we actually got there in the story itself we got to read.
I do enjoy the idea that the pie sisters are all weirdos in their own little ways, and then the line about Pinkie being nuts came along, and of course, it was hilarious because not only was I thinking the same thing, but it was pretty clear that, no, the rest of them are pretty nuts (and possibly even crazier than Pinkie in their own special little ways).
Limestone's obsession with Holder's Boulder is fun, but she's more than that, and this story manages to make her very funny by her not being funny, but she is not funny in a different way from how Maud is not funny. This is actually probably my favorite depiction of Limestone in any story I've read, and I was chuckling at her pretty much the whole way through.
Limestone having to take care of a foal and being bad at it is actually pretty fun to watch - well, read - and the ways in which she's bad at it feel entirely consistent with her character.
Where this story falls down, though, is that it feels like there's a big bit of character development that should have happened, but didn't. We start to see Limestone softening up, and then we cut to the end of the week, where things have progressed and characters have changed, without it feeling like we actually got there in the story itself we got to read.
Okay, but seriously, a review.
Pinkie and Cheese show up uninvited in Fluttershy's house, then proceed to do Pinkie and Cheese things. For 2800 words.
Like.
Man. I was ready to shoot those two after 1000 words. But it just kept going.
Obviously the Pinkie and Cheese thing isn't my jam. You'll notice I never write either of those characters if I can avoid it.
So yeah, as far as Pinkie and Cheese things go, this was a well-written example. The author has a good grasp on how to translate their wacky visual humor into the written word, which is extremely difficult. It's one of the things that makes Pinkie so difficult to write as a character.
But then we get to the duck, and... well, yeah. That happened. Why a duck indeed.
I try to provide useful feedback with my reviews, author, but I'm having trouble coming up with a critique that doesn't boil down to "This kind of Pinkie Pie annoys the hell out of me, and somehow you wrote two of her." That's not really valid or useful. Instead I'll focus on the duck part, and just say that I never felt the absurd premise had the justification or payoff it needed to work.
Sorry. Sometimes you just get a reader who isn't into what you're putting out. If this goes to finals I'll probably abstain rather than voting on it.
Pinkie and Cheese show up uninvited in Fluttershy's house, then proceed to do Pinkie and Cheese things. For 2800 words.
Like.
Man. I was ready to shoot those two after 1000 words. But it just kept going.
Obviously the Pinkie and Cheese thing isn't my jam. You'll notice I never write either of those characters if I can avoid it.
So yeah, as far as Pinkie and Cheese things go, this was a well-written example. The author has a good grasp on how to translate their wacky visual humor into the written word, which is extremely difficult. It's one of the things that makes Pinkie so difficult to write as a character.
But then we get to the duck, and... well, yeah. That happened. Why a duck indeed.
I try to provide useful feedback with my reviews, author, but I'm having trouble coming up with a critique that doesn't boil down to "This kind of Pinkie Pie annoys the hell out of me, and somehow you wrote two of her." That's not really valid or useful. Instead I'll focus on the duck part, and just say that I never felt the absurd premise had the justification or payoff it needed to work.
Sorry. Sometimes you just get a reader who isn't into what you're putting out. If this goes to finals I'll probably abstain rather than voting on it.
Okay, while this story encapsulated what I'd expect a Pinkie and Cheese conversation to be like if someone like Twilight wasn't around to cut them off - and poor Fluttershy is really the perfect doormat victim for this to work - the problem is that conversations like that actually stop being funny after a while, no matter how ridiculous they are, because it stops being able to surprise the audience with how ridiculous it is. The conversation felt far longer than it actually was, and the duck felt like it was just... kind of a nonsensical thing to appear. Yeah, the idea that "Why did the chicken cross the road?" is some sort of SUPER DARK SECRET is actually kind of amusing, but this story didn't really sell me on it; it just felt kind of arbitrary, like it just kind of happened.
This story needed more variation, or to be shorter. There's such a thing as too much Pinkie being Pinkie, and I think this story crossed that line fairly early on and then kept on going. And it needed to do more to sell the duck.
The thing is, there's a lot of funny little jabs in here, and just general weirdness, and Fluttershy thinking about how she shouldn't have gotten up but then it would have just happened upstairs helped to break up the rest of the humor by inserting Fluttershy humor into the mix (and thus, was the most memorable joke in the story for me), but it all ends up kind of mushing together.
This story needed more variation, or to be shorter. There's such a thing as too much Pinkie being Pinkie, and I think this story crossed that line fairly early on and then kept on going. And it needed to do more to sell the duck.
The thing is, there's a lot of funny little jabs in here, and just general weirdness, and Fluttershy thinking about how she shouldn't have gotten up but then it would have just happened upstairs helped to break up the rest of the humor by inserting Fluttershy humor into the mix (and thus, was the most memorable joke in the story for me), but it all ends up kind of mushing together.
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
>>HiTime
>>Rao
>>Cold in Gardez
>>TitaniumDragon
Thanks for the comments, folks!
Yeah, I was so busy working out the Pinkie and Cheese stuff--comedy is not my strong suit--that I kinda forgot the Fluttershy stuff. She needs to start getting annoyed at the same time the reader does so her question "Why are we friends?" is the natural culmination of the first third of the story. Pinkie and Fluttershy should be a lot more upset by the question during the middle third, and finally see how they can work together in the last third in their efforts to help Duck'thulhu. Or something: I've been focused on getting "Such Sweet Poison" posted to FimFiction the past week, but I'll get to revising this one once I get that one finished.
Mike
>>Miller Minus
>>HiTime
>>Rao
>>Cold in Gardez
>>TitaniumDragon
Thanks for the comments, folks!
Yeah, I was so busy working out the Pinkie and Cheese stuff--comedy is not my strong suit--that I kinda forgot the Fluttershy stuff. She needs to start getting annoyed at the same time the reader does so her question "Why are we friends?" is the natural culmination of the first third of the story. Pinkie and Fluttershy should be a lot more upset by the question during the middle third, and finally see how they can work together in the last third in their efforts to help Duck'thulhu. Or something: I've been focused on getting "Such Sweet Poison" posted to FimFiction the past week, but I'll get to revising this one once I get that one finished.
Mike
Congratulations to the finalists! I regret my utter uselessness thus far this Writeoff, but I am greatly pleased to see that both the Limestone/Petunia fic and the coffee fic are still in the mix. I can promise to read at least those two before the end. ^^
Meanwhile, the editing I skipped this to focus on is going fantastic. I hate skipping Pony Writeoffs but I made the right choice this time.
Meanwhile, the editing I skipped this to focus on is going fantastic. I hate skipping Pony Writeoffs but I made the right choice this time.
I liked this story - the interview hooked me in - but at the same time, I was left feeling kind of lukewarm about it as a whole. I'm kind of with the above posters on my feelings, particularly >>Bachiavellian
As for the reveal, I'm left just a little disappointed. It just doesn't seem like something that Luna has much to gain from trying to keep it a secret initially. And I also don't quite agree with the decision to make the actual explanation itself happen off-screen. Having to catch up to characters who know something that the reader doesn't is tension-inducing, so it kind of rubs off the wrong way during the critical turning point of the story, where you should be trying to relieve tension with the payoff.
>>Miller Minus
>>HiTime
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Bachiavellian
I appreciate all of the comments, folks. I feel, as with most of the stories I made in writeoffs past, that the time limit really hurt me here. I was struggling to even get to an ending that things ended up very rushed. In my head I had more ideas about Violet talking with Chitin or Thorax about what she'd written and how different from reality her "headcanon" of changelings is. It was kind of supposed to be more comedic when I came up with the idea, but I feel it changed halfway through.
I think, if I do decide to polish it up, that I'll definitely be addressing the conflict in the story. I wanted it to be more internal than external for Violet, as I was trying to allude to her having a fair amount of anxiety about a lot of things, and assuming the worst in situations.
Either way, I'm glad I finished writing it.
>>HiTime
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Bachiavellian
I appreciate all of the comments, folks. I feel, as with most of the stories I made in writeoffs past, that the time limit really hurt me here. I was struggling to even get to an ending that things ended up very rushed. In my head I had more ideas about Violet talking with Chitin or Thorax about what she'd written and how different from reality her "headcanon" of changelings is. It was kind of supposed to be more comedic when I came up with the idea, but I feel it changed halfway through.
I think, if I do decide to polish it up, that I'll definitely be addressing the conflict in the story. I wanted it to be more internal than external for Violet, as I was trying to allude to her having a fair amount of anxiety about a lot of things, and assuming the worst in situations.
Either way, I'm glad I finished writing it.
To all of you, thank you so much for reviewing this,,, thing. My brain wanted to make her whole situation different in the end. I didn't even think about her being a drug addict. My original plot was pretty convoluted and I really should have left it at "Fluttershy is having hallucinations after she is off of her drugs for a while from social pressure".
Crap.
Now that I think of it that is a decent plot.
Anyways, thank you for reviewing this. If you couldn't already tell, this is probably the second fic I've ever completely written out. :/
>>Miller Minus
I agree that a more central plot to this story would have helped it a lot more. I also do realize that I probably used the words "peace and tranquility" (or words like that) at least a billion times in here. In my revisal of the story there is going to be more pacing and descriptions. She's going to lick the tree xd
>>RogerDodger
I'm so sorry bro. My 12 o'clock brain could not comprehend what the rules were trying to convey to me.
>>HiTime
Thanks for the feedback! I knew that there was going to be some character breaking because she was having hallucinations. I tried to not have her immediately break character but I don't think only 2,000 words can slowly descend her into madness. I probably, might have, maybe, needed more words lmao Also, thanks for being honest about your feelings to this story without being harsh. Very much appreciated! :D
>>Bachiavellian
I-I never expected my narrative to be good. That is probably the best part of a horror story. It's supposed to be, well, horrific. I'm so happy you think I've really got something here. :)
If you're talking about the typos at the end:
That was to show that this was definitely all in her head, although you probably already got the idea. If there are other typos its most likely due to me not knowing exactly where commas go. You could even look back on this entire thank you letter and find places where commas should or shouldn't be lmao.
I like playing with the unreliable narrator stories, and having a reliable one swoop in at the end to show what actually happened, and it wasn't just her hallucinations playing tricks on her. I think that in revisions I'll do that. ;)
Thank you so, so much for the advice. <3
Crap.
Now that I think of it that is a decent plot.
Anyways, thank you for reviewing this. If you couldn't already tell, this is probably the second fic I've ever completely written out. :/
>>Miller Minus
I agree that a more central plot to this story would have helped it a lot more. I also do realize that I probably used the words "peace and tranquility" (or words like that) at least a billion times in here. In my revisal of the story there is going to be more pacing and descriptions. She's going to lick the tree xd
>>RogerDodger
I'm so sorry bro. My 12 o'clock brain could not comprehend what the rules were trying to convey to me.
>>HiTime
Thanks for the feedback! I knew that there was going to be some character breaking because she was having hallucinations. I tried to not have her immediately break character but I don't think only 2,000 words can slowly descend her into madness. I probably, might have, maybe, needed more words lmao Also, thanks for being honest about your feelings to this story without being harsh. Very much appreciated! :D
>>Bachiavellian
I-I never expected my narrative to be good. That is probably the best part of a horror story. It's supposed to be, well, horrific. I'm so happy you think I've really got something here. :)
If you're talking about the typos at the end:
She murdered her best friend, all for a vague promise that couldn’t be filled.
The tree spoke, “don’t start getting down on yourself, I never stated the exacts of the promise. Wouldn’t you like to know them?”
That was to show that this was definitely all in her head, although you probably already got the idea. If there are other typos its most likely due to me not knowing exactly where commas go. You could even look back on this entire thank you letter and find places where commas should or shouldn't be lmao.
I like playing with the unreliable narrator stories, and having a reliable one swoop in at the end to show what actually happened, and it wasn't just her hallucinations playing tricks on her. I think that in revisions I'll do that. ;)
Thank you so, so much for the advice. <3
I really like piece, the way she's coming towards us, and the angle. I absolutely adore the shadow on this, too. The way it defines her is perfect.
The only thing I have a problem with are the hair and the stairs, they kind of wrench you out of the immersion of real life horse Cadence to cartoon world. The stairs could be dimmed by making them a pastel brown instead of the dark green you have. It would go better with the color scheme you have going on.I would also suggest some overlapping layers to even out the colors so they don't pop out as much, or even painting her hair on.
Overall it's a beautiful piece of art, very pleasing to look at.
The only thing I have a problem with are the hair and the stairs, they kind of wrench you out of the immersion of real life horse Cadence to cartoon world. The stairs could be dimmed by making them a pastel brown instead of the dark green you have. It would go better with the color scheme you have going on.I would also suggest some overlapping layers to even out the colors so they don't pop out as much, or even painting her hair on.
Overall it's a beautiful piece of art, very pleasing to look at.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this one wasn't finished haha. I can see that you have skill here. The shading of the horn is very pretty and the rest of the picture could use some dramatic shading as well. I love the muzzle and the expression that she has towards the book and her tears. Good job on this one!
"Drunk submission (Forgive me)" Never!!
"Drunk submission (Forgive me)" Never!!
Hmm. This one is sideways so it's rather hard to see what's happening unless I twist my computer screen around lmao. You have a lot of obvious skill and I like the shading of Starlight compared to the cutie mark thing in the background. The picture is very light, and could use some darkening to create more a more dramatic scene. I like how Starlight looms over Twilight and how Twilight is crumpled up on the ground. Nice picture!
I love the intro here! The first sentence immediately hooked me, and the premise of going through alternate worlds and seeing what might have been worked well. I think the choice of what to visit first (well, extensively) worked well - it was an engaging scene - but I'm not sure that the "I need a hug" thing being mirrored so immediately worked as well as it might have, though on the other hand, it was a nice way to finish the piece. That final what if scene didn't feel very strong because North Star didn't feel like a very strong character, and didn't feel as compelling as the other two scenes, so it sort of ended the trio of scenes on a bit of a whimper rather than a bang.
>>DuskPhoenix
The Hawkeye thing was kind of a last second pull, honestly. I realized I hadn't given the doctor a name and that felt really inappropriate, so I reached into my brain for a list of doctors and Hawkeye is usually the first one that comes to mind. I do really love MASH, so I'm glad the reference didn't go over everyone's head.
Though I didn't intend it to be literally Hawkeye from the Korean war, like Icenrose thought, so I might have to change it up a bit.
>>HiTime
Regarding "reality ensues" moments: I'm glad that those few moments came across well. The original idea I had was "Sunset goes back to Equestria for a bit because the random, senseless violence of the human world is getting to her." But that sucked and didn't work for two days, so I went with an inversion where Twilight is suddenly exposed to the consequences of mundane (re: non-magical) violence. That a shooting feels un-EqG like is exactly the point, though I could have shaped the entire experience much better.
Thank you, again, for deciding to comment. Every little bit helps.
>>Icenrose
I'll work on that perspective shift. Stuff like that always gets away from me when I'm not explicitly writing in 1st Person. And, like I touched on above, I didn't originally intend Hawkeye to be quite so actually Hawkeye. But that's where I ended up, and I will definitely rethink that going forward. I already have some backup names in my mental queue to make his presence less egregious.
>>Bachiavellian
I agree that the premise is under utilized, and basically everything else you said. In the early stages of writing I had Princess Twilight casually asking why they just didn't get rid of things that were so dangerous, but at the time I couldn't come up with anything that didn't feel like rehashing the 200+ pages of gun control/school shooting threads I've read on other forums over the last few months.
You're absolutely right in that I don't have a solid takeaway. That's partly because the narrative itself is incomplete, and partly because I didn't want to moralize too hard at the audience. Like you said: we all already agree that school shootings are bad. I need to go deeper to really touch anything important. Now that I have time to breathe that'll probably be easier.
I knew this was a risky idea going in and I'm glad that, at the very worst, I didn't butcher it, and that we got some interesting discussion going. The subject matter is near and dear to me, on account of working at a school and not wanting children to get shot (even when they're being total assholes and destroying my machines).
The Hawkeye thing was kind of a last second pull, honestly. I realized I hadn't given the doctor a name and that felt really inappropriate, so I reached into my brain for a list of doctors and Hawkeye is usually the first one that comes to mind. I do really love MASH, so I'm glad the reference didn't go over everyone's head.
Though I didn't intend it to be literally Hawkeye from the Korean war, like Icenrose thought, so I might have to change it up a bit.
>>HiTime
Regarding "reality ensues" moments: I'm glad that those few moments came across well. The original idea I had was "Sunset goes back to Equestria for a bit because the random, senseless violence of the human world is getting to her." But that sucked and didn't work for two days, so I went with an inversion where Twilight is suddenly exposed to the consequences of mundane (re: non-magical) violence. That a shooting feels un-EqG like is exactly the point, though I could have shaped the entire experience much better.
Thank you, again, for deciding to comment. Every little bit helps.
>>Icenrose
I'll work on that perspective shift. Stuff like that always gets away from me when I'm not explicitly writing in 1st Person. And, like I touched on above, I didn't originally intend Hawkeye to be quite so actually Hawkeye. But that's where I ended up, and I will definitely rethink that going forward. I already have some backup names in my mental queue to make his presence less egregious.
>>Bachiavellian
I agree that the premise is under utilized, and basically everything else you said. In the early stages of writing I had Princess Twilight casually asking why they just didn't get rid of things that were so dangerous, but at the time I couldn't come up with anything that didn't feel like rehashing the 200+ pages of gun control/school shooting threads I've read on other forums over the last few months.
You're absolutely right in that I don't have a solid takeaway. That's partly because the narrative itself is incomplete, and partly because I didn't want to moralize too hard at the audience. Like you said: we all already agree that school shootings are bad. I need to go deeper to really touch anything important. Now that I have time to breathe that'll probably be easier.
I knew this was a risky idea going in and I'm glad that, at the very worst, I didn't butcher it, and that we got some interesting discussion going. The subject matter is near and dear to me, on account of working at a school and not wanting children to get shot (even when they're being total assholes and destroying my machines).
>>Bachiavellian
Scratch my last comment. I'm going through the stupid thing and I've already caught four spelling mistakes. I h8 myself omg
Scratch my last comment. I'm going through the stupid thing and I've already caught four spelling mistakes. I h8 myself omg
>>Anon Y Mous
Don't sweat it. I recently wrote "fingers" instead of "feathers" in one of my pony Writeoff entries. Typos are God's great equalizer. :P
Don't sweat it. I recently wrote "fingers" instead of "feathers" in one of my pony Writeoff entries. Typos are God's great equalizer. :P
Definitely:
The class of the contest. Two things bothered me, though: first, I don't recall North Star being the name of anypony we meet in Starlight's Village. There was Night Glider and Party Favor and Sugar Belle, of course, but Double Diamond seemed to the "second in command," if I'm remembering right. Maybe use him instead?
Second, I'd suggest making Twilight either more aware of what this book might mean to Starlight or less aware. Right now, I don't see any indication that she's even considered how Starlight will react to this spell, and that doesn't seem like Twilight to me. Maybe make her more reluctant to bring Starlight in on this at all since she knows how much Starlight will want to use it, or maybe go the other way and have her bring the book to Starlight excitedly because now Starlight can find out what might've happened if she'd made different choices.
Or maybe Starlight comes across Twilight trying to destroy this book, and that forces Twilight to tell her about it. It just seems monumentally thoughtless of Twilight to bring this spell up in an offhanded conversation to the one pony in Equestria who will be absolutely dying to use it once she knows it exists...
Mike
The class of the contest. Two things bothered me, though: first, I don't recall North Star being the name of anypony we meet in Starlight's Village. There was Night Glider and Party Favor and Sugar Belle, of course, but Double Diamond seemed to the "second in command," if I'm remembering right. Maybe use him instead?
Second, I'd suggest making Twilight either more aware of what this book might mean to Starlight or less aware. Right now, I don't see any indication that she's even considered how Starlight will react to this spell, and that doesn't seem like Twilight to me. Maybe make her more reluctant to bring Starlight in on this at all since she knows how much Starlight will want to use it, or maybe go the other way and have her bring the book to Starlight excitedly because now Starlight can find out what might've happened if she'd made different choices.
Or maybe Starlight comes across Twilight trying to destroy this book, and that forces Twilight to tell her about it. It just seems monumentally thoughtless of Twilight to bring this spell up in an offhanded conversation to the one pony in Equestria who will be absolutely dying to use it once she knows it exists...
Mike
Sparkle’s Counterfactual Simulacrum
Paused reading just to toss this out: Sparkle's Semi-Serious Simulacrum Storybook*
* Soon available in Softcover Series
Back to work.
<^>
I want that book. Even knowing that the whole point is that it's probably a useless, terrible thing, I want it. I am actively upset that I can't have it. Anyway.
This is very much a self-inflicted, choose-your-own-adventure "A Christmas Carol" deal, except Starlight has already learned her lessons and is just being a curious camper. Which is still incredibly cool, both in concept and execution. I was hooked basically start to finish. Starlight waking up after her first solo round hit me extra hard. I've lost little people in my life, and quite suddenly, so her shock of waking up and "oh ha that child I have memories of loving is gone and out of reach forever now" is just... yeah I'm surprised she took it as well as she did, really.
Good work. One of the longer stories, but no word feels wasted.
Everyone else hit most of the highlights so I'll just add a personal anecdote to >>Not_A_Hat's comment:
I mentioned this to Bach in the chat, but back in some of the worst throes of my depression, I kept a piece of paper taped up near my computer. It only had four tasks written on it, and if I managed two of them per day I considered my day a win. One of those tasks was eating. When you're in that bad place, the really bad place, accomplishing everyday necessities, let alone chores like cleaning, can be a huge deal. There were days, often consecutive ones, where I neglected the four tasks.
And since I got better, I haven't let myself wallow in garbage like I used to, which is an anecdote for another day. I think Angel, by just having her clean, is trying to give her some semblance of control and propriety. It's rote, it's necessary, and from my experience it's nicer staring vacantly at a clean desk than a messy one. All the mess does is reinforce negative feelings.
Otherwise! Yes the nicknames were great, the entire cue card scheme was amazing, and I did have to re-read the Owlicous bit twice to understand the intent, but once I did I found it very clever. Also sweet that Angel's mortal enemy would deign to help him (at Twilight's explicit request, I imagine).
The romance angle feels out of left field at first, but thinking back to Twilight's letter and the book she sends it's not at all hard to piece together, I think.
Edit: Oh also the title is so damned clever.
Edit 2: Thinking about it a little bit more, Flutters being more direct in the end also acts as a sort of graduation ceremony for her taking control of her feelings and actions. Which is why Angel isn't present right at her side for the finale. She knows he's in the bags, and leaves him away from the action intentionally. He ends up watching with Owlicious, who up until then has been Twilight's proxy in the narrative, signaling his change from the driver of action to another viewer.
But it was just... clean the house, do the dishes, etc etc? It didn't seem like the sort of program that would have long lasting effects [...]
I mentioned this to Bach in the chat, but back in some of the worst throes of my depression, I kept a piece of paper taped up near my computer. It only had four tasks written on it, and if I managed two of them per day I considered my day a win. One of those tasks was eating. When you're in that bad place, the really bad place, accomplishing everyday necessities, let alone chores like cleaning, can be a huge deal. There were days, often consecutive ones, where I neglected the four tasks.
And since I got better, I haven't let myself wallow in garbage like I used to, which is an anecdote for another day. I think Angel, by just having her clean, is trying to give her some semblance of control and propriety. It's rote, it's necessary, and from my experience it's nicer staring vacantly at a clean desk than a messy one. All the mess does is reinforce negative feelings.
Otherwise! Yes the nicknames were great, the entire cue card scheme was amazing, and I did have to re-read the Owlicous bit twice to understand the intent, but once I did I found it very clever. Also sweet that Angel's mortal enemy would deign to help him (at Twilight's explicit request, I imagine).
The romance angle feels out of left field at first, but thinking back to Twilight's letter and the book she sends it's not at all hard to piece together, I think.
Edit: Oh also the title is so damned clever.
Edit 2: Thinking about it a little bit more, Flutters being more direct in the end also acts as a sort of graduation ceremony for her taking control of her feelings and actions. Which is why Angel isn't present right at her side for the finale. She knows he's in the bags, and leaves him away from the action intentionally. He ends up watching with Owlicious, who up until then has been Twilight's proxy in the narrative, signaling his change from the driver of action to another viewer.
It’s not fair to ding you on the rotation issue, Artist, and I won’t. I trust that you’ll watch for this issue in your next submission.
Pros: Your talent shows even in this unfinished piece. You have a good feel for expressive lines that use no more detail than they need. You clearly have experience and a good eye.
Cons: Stylistically, your large-eared, low-slung pony head puts me in mind of a bat more than a horse. It’s also not very clear that this character is meant to be SG; a color rendering would of course help. Twilight’s body on the ground looks odd; I can make out an ear but I can’t relate it to the rest of what should be her head.
I will count this as a mid-tier piece and hope to see more polished art from you next time around.
Pros: Your talent shows even in this unfinished piece. You have a good feel for expressive lines that use no more detail than they need. You clearly have experience and a good eye.
Cons: Stylistically, your large-eared, low-slung pony head puts me in mind of a bat more than a horse. It’s also not very clear that this character is meant to be SG; a color rendering would of course help. Twilight’s body on the ground looks odd; I can make out an ear but I can’t relate it to the rest of what should be her head.
I will count this as a mid-tier piece and hope to see more polished art from you next time around.
Ah, another time-constraint special. Don’t feel too bad, Artist, you are not alone.
Pros: What parts you were able to finish show skill; you can visualize a pony head in 3D and render it in the show’s style, with your own touches here and there. The eyes and hair curls of the main figure in particular strike me as well rendered and effective.
Cons: This is perhaps one third of a first draft. Perhaps it can join the others in a particularly appropriate Portfolio of Might Have Beens.
This piece will go low on my slate due to its state of completion, but don’t let this discourage you, Artist. Your talent is there, waiting to be shown; I hope you get more time to display it in the next art round.
Pros: What parts you were able to finish show skill; you can visualize a pony head in 3D and render it in the show’s style, with your own touches here and there. The eyes and hair curls of the main figure in particular strike me as well rendered and effective.
Cons: This is perhaps one third of a first draft. Perhaps it can join the others in a particularly appropriate Portfolio of Might Have Beens.
This piece will go low on my slate due to its state of completion, but don’t let this discourage you, Artist. Your talent is there, waiting to be shown; I hope you get more time to display it in the next art round.
And here is another race-to-the-finish entry.
Pros: I am in accord with >>dragon discord, Artist: the first panel with the tower is the best part of this piece. The composition highlights the height of the tower, and the forlorn black figure within hints at Cadence’s mood, while the globe of the world below emphasizes how remote and alone she is.The joke is amusing enough to justify the effort.
Cons: Then you run out of time and start scribbling a lot, and the figures suffer. Celestia is particularly awkward. (Cadence’s expression in the last panel, however, is a perfect rendition of frustration and anger.)
Despite the cons, you at least managed to finish the piece (and multi-panel comics do require more effort), which will push it higher in my rankings. I will place it as an upper-mid tier piece.
Pros: I am in accord with >>dragon discord, Artist: the first panel with the tower is the best part of this piece. The composition highlights the height of the tower, and the forlorn black figure within hints at Cadence’s mood, while the globe of the world below emphasizes how remote and alone she is.The joke is amusing enough to justify the effort.
Cons: Then you run out of time and start scribbling a lot, and the figures suffer. Celestia is particularly awkward. (Cadence’s expression in the last panel, however, is a perfect rendition of frustration and anger.)
Despite the cons, you at least managed to finish the piece (and multi-panel comics do require more effort), which will push it higher in my rankings. I will place it as an upper-mid tier piece.
Yay, a finished piece!
Pros: The solarized approach gives it a dramatic feel. The realistic portrayal may add to the sense of Cadence’s isolation as she ascends.
Cons: A real horse’s face, with its tiny eyes, and lacking any particular emotion to start with, can’t carry much weight in conveying what Cadence is feeling in her ascent. Also, real horse faces are less cute than show ponies and therefore somewhat less relatable. Her horn shadow doesn’t seem to conform to her mane.
Nitpick: The dots in the background (stars?) are little streaks and not dots, and they all point in different directions; when stars streak in a photo, they all point in the same direction (or in consistent curves in a time-lapse photo.) If you were grabbing photo references from the web, as I suspect, you could have just grabbed a starfield as well.
Overall, this is a creative approach which I will place in the upper tier.
Pros: The solarized approach gives it a dramatic feel. The realistic portrayal may add to the sense of Cadence’s isolation as she ascends.
Cons: A real horse’s face, with its tiny eyes, and lacking any particular emotion to start with, can’t carry much weight in conveying what Cadence is feeling in her ascent. Also, real horse faces are less cute than show ponies and therefore somewhat less relatable. Her horn shadow doesn’t seem to conform to her mane.
Nitpick: The dots in the background (stars?) are little streaks and not dots, and they all point in different directions; when stars streak in a photo, they all point in the same direction (or in consistent curves in a time-lapse photo.) If you were grabbing photo references from the web, as I suspect, you could have just grabbed a starfield as well.
Overall, this is a creative approach which I will place in the upper tier.
Ah, this one is quite creative; a sort of 3D collage.
Pros: Nice use of objects and composition. The glow from inside the book looks slick. You seem to be implying, artist, that SG is being literally drawn into the book as a piece of paper, which isn’t something that happens in the story, but the look of horror on her face sells it.
Cons: I think her hoof is a bit large compared to her neck. Also, according to the story, the inside of the book was supposed to be blank.
A top tier effort; well done, Artist.
Pros: Nice use of objects and composition. The glow from inside the book looks slick. You seem to be implying, artist, that SG is being literally drawn into the book as a piece of paper, which isn’t something that happens in the story, but the look of horror on her face sells it.
Cons: I think her hoof is a bit large compared to her neck. Also, according to the story, the inside of the book was supposed to be blank.
A top tier effort; well done, Artist.
Life Cycle: Baby sister gets a (temporary) baby sister
I don't have much to add to the above. The voicing seemed very solid (ha!), and Petunia might have been less developed, I think it's fine because she's just a wee baby child anyway. But the interaction between the Petunia and the Pie family, Limestone in particular obviously, absolutely shines.
If I had to gripe about anything, it's that I ran out of words to read sooner than I would have hoped.
I don't have much to add to the above. The voicing seemed very solid (ha!), and Petunia might have been less developed, I think it's fine because she's just a wee baby child anyway. But the interaction between the Petunia and the Pie family, Limestone in particular obviously, absolutely shines.
If I had to gripe about anything, it's that I ran out of words to read sooner than I would have hoped.
>>TitaniumDragon
One thought:
The story might be stronger with what if #1 (the family one) and what if #3 (the North Star one) were reversed. That would make the emotional impact of each scene that much stronger, I think - the North Star one is just a slightly different course, the "what if she won" was one that stretched further back, and the family one stretches the furthest back, and they feel like they have successively greater impacts. The family one seems like it would be the one that hurt the most, and it also has the advantage of making Starlight more right about the book, because she could actually learn something from the book that way (as she would realize that having something with someone wasn't beyond her reach, as she is still close to Sunburst).
One thought:
The story might be stronger with what if #1 (the family one) and what if #3 (the North Star one) were reversed. That would make the emotional impact of each scene that much stronger, I think - the North Star one is just a slightly different course, the "what if she won" was one that stretched further back, and the family one stretches the furthest back, and they feel like they have successively greater impacts. The family one seems like it would be the one that hurt the most, and it also has the advantage of making Starlight more right about the book, because she could actually learn something from the book that way (as she would realize that having something with someone wasn't beyond her reach, as she is still close to Sunburst).
Another finished piece! Kudos, Artist!
Pros: This collage theme works well; very well, considering the theme of the story it’s based upon.
Cons: That title drop needs to have more contrast to be legible. There are a few places where the images don’t align together and leave gaps; I found this to be offsetting.
Rant: I sometimes have trouble judging found-vector works against works done in traditional media. Am I supposed to be rewarding pure artistic skill over compositional eye? How does spending ten hours pushing a pencil over paper to express an internal vision compare to browsing Image Search for a half hour to find that one graphic that fits? In both cases, art is being made, but the former involves more creative work, in trying to bring an image intact out of one’s mind and record it in a form that can be shared with others. I usually prefer to reward that sort of work.
Here, it’s safe to say that the Artist put in some skullsweat to find the right images, and shows skill in using image editors to composite them attractively together. Therefore, I’m comfortable in assigning this piece, due to its polish and thematic match, to the top tier.
Pros: This collage theme works well; very well, considering the theme of the story it’s based upon.
Cons: That title drop needs to have more contrast to be legible. There are a few places where the images don’t align together and leave gaps; I found this to be offsetting.
Rant: I sometimes have trouble judging found-vector works against works done in traditional media. Am I supposed to be rewarding pure artistic skill over compositional eye? How does spending ten hours pushing a pencil over paper to express an internal vision compare to browsing Image Search for a half hour to find that one graphic that fits? In both cases, art is being made, but the former involves more creative work, in trying to bring an image intact out of one’s mind and record it in a form that can be shared with others. I usually prefer to reward that sort of work.
Here, it’s safe to say that the Artist put in some skullsweat to find the right images, and shows skill in using image editors to composite them attractively together. Therefore, I’m comfortable in assigning this piece, due to its polish and thematic match, to the top tier.
It’s time again for…
GGA’s Art Filtration Folly Extravaganza!
Do you have a skillful eye? Are you a good guesser? Take part in my GAFFE! Guess which piece or pieces are mine and win a free sketch!
Conditions: You must pick out only the art for which I was responsible; no more or less. Submissions should be made in PM and must be received at least an hour before the Writeoff entries are revealed. One prize will be given; ties will be decided by die roll.
GGA’s Art Filtration Folly Extravaganza!
Do you have a skillful eye? Are you a good guesser? Take part in my GAFFE! Guess which piece or pieces are mine and win a free sketch!
Conditions: You must pick out only the art for which I was responsible; no more or less. Submissions should be made in PM and must be received at least an hour before the Writeoff entries are revealed. One prize will be given; ties will be decided by die roll.
Thanks to a gentle prod from >>Baal Bunny, I went ahead and created this round's folder over in the FIMFiction Writeoff group. If your story migrates from here to FIMFiction, please add it to the group so that your fellow authors can check out your final draft!
In order to add stories to the group you need to be a "Contributor", which just means you have to have written a story for the Writeoffs at some point. (We locked it against random submissions a while back due to spam.) If you have any problems adding your story there, PM me on FIMFiction and I'll get you hooked up.
In order to add stories to the group you need to be a "Contributor", which just means you have to have written a story for the Writeoffs at some point. (We locked it against random submissions a while back due to spam.) If you have any problems adding your story there, PM me on FIMFiction and I'll get you hooked up.
The word I'd use:
For this one, author, is "sprawling." I mean, you used every word the contest allowed you to use, and the story still needs more room to spread out. My only suggestion, then, is that you let it spread out. Give Double Diamond's arc the space it needs and nail down all the details of how the narrative gets from the beginning to the end. 'Cause you've got all the seeds here and a lot of the sprouts. Now you just need to let it grow.
Mike
For this one, author, is "sprawling." I mean, you used every word the contest allowed you to use, and the story still needs more room to spread out. My only suggestion, then, is that you let it spread out. Give Double Diamond's arc the space it needs and nail down all the details of how the narrative gets from the beginning to the end. 'Cause you've got all the seeds here and a lot of the sprouts. Now you just need to let it grow.
Mike
"I want to know about the old ways."
The old seer frowned at me. The eye that was red and metal shone brightly in the dark of the cave as it darted left and right, leaving spots in my vision that would only go away when I blinked quickly.
"The old ways are meaningless," said the seer, even as a Servo-sprite buzzed around his head. "The old ways are dead."
"How can you say that?" I asked, stupefied at his words. "You who have witnessed so much—you who have studied their wonders!"
"I know enough to know that what I do know is worthless," he said.
His red eye darted towards the Servo-sprite, which immediately halted its flight. It darted downwards towards the dying campfire and released a dark mist. The mist reinvigorated the flames, which burned hot and bright until I could see the iron and the polymer in the seer's arms and legs. A new trio of Servo-sprites, with long arms like snakes, flew forth and spun their arms to beat away the smoke and vent it out the cave mouth.
"You order machines without speaking," I said, "and if what the village-folk say is true, you slip into the stories and the knowledge of the old ones during your every waking moment, as though they were a dream."
The seer chuckled, mirthlessly.
"I have a Wi-Fi connection, yes. More datahubs crumble every year, so the connection gets slower and slower."
"How can I be the same?" I implored the seer. "How I can share the thoughts of the old ones as if they were my own?"
"You'll have to go to Finland," he said. "Very, very, far away. There's a Neuro-Prosthetic center there that pinged back my search query. Might be the only one that still works in the world. You can get your implant there."
"Yes!" I said leaping to my feet. I took my spear and shook it. It was a very good spear, made of hollowed bronze. "I'll go to the Land of Fin! I will find the pinging query, and I will steal the implant that they've hidden away, and when I've completed this trial for you, will you reward me with the whispers of the old ones?"
The seer frowned, disappointed.
"You don't understand. You won't until you see it all."
"Understand what, great prophet?" I asked.
"The old ways. They are beyond what you can imagine. One megabyte of the Flow is more complicated and more beautiful and more horrible than your entire life and the entire lives of your whole village put together." His living eye looked wistful. "The thoughts and the plans of the old ones were so convoluted and so indescribable, that they created machines to think and to remember the thoughts for them. They created machines to create machines to create machines, until not a single old one knew exactly how any of their machines performed their miracles. Machines so complicated, that an old one's life dream would be to study and comprehend how one part of a thousand worked."
"I can learn it all!" I shouted. "I will learn it all, and become powerful like you! You cannot stop me, so help me instead!"
The seer looked at me for a long time. Finally he motioned for me to sit.
"Before we even think about getting your implant," he said, "you need to understand what the old ones were really like. The true pointlessness of everything they did. The sorts of frightening and disgusting things they did to entertain themselves."
"Teach me," I said, thought I was confused. The old ones only knew magic and wonders, after all. "Teach me!"
"Okay," said the Seer. He closed his eyes, and the Servo-sprites orbited his head ever quickly.
"What do you know," said the man wise beyond centuries, "about Writeoff Mashups?"
Nod Your Head to the Might Have Beens: Cadance asks a magical book to show her what her life would be like if she actually ever reached the top of that staircase. The answer is: Toned as hell. That was a lotta damn stairs.
Fire Burns at Three: Over a late-night cup of coffee, Spike and Sunset discuss why pony-communism never seems to work out.
Checkpoints of Fright and Butterscotch: After an interview with a friendly reporter, Luna reveals her deep dark secret that she makes her royal riches from pushing dope across the planes of reality.
Fluttershy Saves the Duck with a Tree: Fluttershy kills an assortment of things for the glory of Duck'thulu. Twilight wisely decides to break things off with her.
The old seer frowned at me. The eye that was red and metal shone brightly in the dark of the cave as it darted left and right, leaving spots in my vision that would only go away when I blinked quickly.
"The old ways are meaningless," said the seer, even as a Servo-sprite buzzed around his head. "The old ways are dead."
"How can you say that?" I asked, stupefied at his words. "You who have witnessed so much—you who have studied their wonders!"
"I know enough to know that what I do know is worthless," he said.
His red eye darted towards the Servo-sprite, which immediately halted its flight. It darted downwards towards the dying campfire and released a dark mist. The mist reinvigorated the flames, which burned hot and bright until I could see the iron and the polymer in the seer's arms and legs. A new trio of Servo-sprites, with long arms like snakes, flew forth and spun their arms to beat away the smoke and vent it out the cave mouth.
"You order machines without speaking," I said, "and if what the village-folk say is true, you slip into the stories and the knowledge of the old ones during your every waking moment, as though they were a dream."
The seer chuckled, mirthlessly.
"I have a Wi-Fi connection, yes. More datahubs crumble every year, so the connection gets slower and slower."
"How can I be the same?" I implored the seer. "How I can share the thoughts of the old ones as if they were my own?"
"You'll have to go to Finland," he said. "Very, very, far away. There's a Neuro-Prosthetic center there that pinged back my search query. Might be the only one that still works in the world. You can get your implant there."
"Yes!" I said leaping to my feet. I took my spear and shook it. It was a very good spear, made of hollowed bronze. "I'll go to the Land of Fin! I will find the pinging query, and I will steal the implant that they've hidden away, and when I've completed this trial for you, will you reward me with the whispers of the old ones?"
The seer frowned, disappointed.
"You don't understand. You won't until you see it all."
"Understand what, great prophet?" I asked.
"The old ways. They are beyond what you can imagine. One megabyte of the Flow is more complicated and more beautiful and more horrible than your entire life and the entire lives of your whole village put together." His living eye looked wistful. "The thoughts and the plans of the old ones were so convoluted and so indescribable, that they created machines to think and to remember the thoughts for them. They created machines to create machines to create machines, until not a single old one knew exactly how any of their machines performed their miracles. Machines so complicated, that an old one's life dream would be to study and comprehend how one part of a thousand worked."
"I can learn it all!" I shouted. "I will learn it all, and become powerful like you! You cannot stop me, so help me instead!"
The seer looked at me for a long time. Finally he motioned for me to sit.
"Before we even think about getting your implant," he said, "you need to understand what the old ones were really like. The true pointlessness of everything they did. The sorts of frightening and disgusting things they did to entertain themselves."
"Teach me," I said, thought I was confused. The old ones only knew magic and wonders, after all. "Teach me!"
"Okay," said the Seer. He closed his eyes, and the Servo-sprites orbited his head ever quickly.
"What do you know," said the man wise beyond centuries, "about Writeoff Mashups?"
Nod Your Head to the Might Have Beens: Cadance asks a magical book to show her what her life would be like if she actually ever reached the top of that staircase. The answer is: Toned as hell. That was a lotta damn stairs.
Fire Burns at Three: Over a late-night cup of coffee, Spike and Sunset discuss why pony-communism never seems to work out.
Checkpoints of Fright and Butterscotch: After an interview with a friendly reporter, Luna reveals her deep dark secret that she makes her royal riches from pushing dope across the planes of reality.
Fluttershy Saves the Duck with a Tree: Fluttershy kills an assortment of things for the glory of Duck'thulu. Twilight wisely decides to break things off with her.
>>Bachiavellian
I was super into this, and you hit me with (very clever) Mashups?! I demand more lore!
I was super into this, and you hit me with (very clever) Mashups?! I demand more lore!
>>Rao
Sorry, that's all the lore I've got. And now since I've written it, I don't think I can even adapt it for an OF Writeoff, with the whole rule about not writing things related to your previous works. You'll have to be satisfied with what you have. :P
Sorry, that's all the lore I've got. And now since I've written it, I don't think I can even adapt it for an OF Writeoff, with the whole rule about not writing things related to your previous works. You'll have to be satisfied with what you have. :P
>>GroaningGreyAgony
That's.... actually kind of a tempting idea. But I was honest when I said I had absolutely no ideas, outside of what I've written... But I'll still give it a bit of thought, and see if I come up with anything interesting by the time I participate in the next one of these. :P
That's.... actually kind of a tempting idea. But I was honest when I said I had absolutely no ideas, outside of what I've written... But I'll still give it a bit of thought, and see if I come up with anything interesting by the time I participate in the next one of these. :P
>>Bachiavellian
Striding into the old seer’s cave on three fleshy legs and one of Plasteel with a noisy servo, I stood and waited. His attention was not mine to command.
“So you got the implant,” he observed. “And you left much else behind. But do you now understand?”
My brain ached, my mind whirled with images… millions of images. Cyclotron shit. But none of them were worth even a thousand words. I had nothing to say. I could only meme in silence, applying distortive filters that degraded the jpegs even as they warped them… I quietly selected the font that had the most impact.
“I now understand…” I said, “all about Art Round Mashups.”
Okey-Dokey Literature Club
Why’d I Forget I Could Fly?
Striding into the old seer’s cave on three fleshy legs and one of Plasteel with a noisy servo, I stood and waited. His attention was not mine to command.
“So you got the implant,” he observed. “And you left much else behind. But do you now understand?”
My brain ached, my mind whirled with images… millions of images. Cyclotron shit. But none of them were worth even a thousand words. I had nothing to say. I could only meme in silence, applying distortive filters that degraded the jpegs even as they warped them… I quietly selected the font that had the most impact.
“I now understand…” I said, “all about Art Round Mashups.”
Okey-Dokey Literature Club
Why’d I Forget I Could Fly?
Congrats to our medalists:
And a big Yow-Wow to BlueChameleonVI! Over 21,000 words written in three days, makes the finals with all three stories, and it's only your 2nd Writeoff? I'm definitely looking forward to reading more from you!
Mike
And a big Yow-Wow to BlueChameleonVI! Over 21,000 words written in three days, makes the finals with all three stories, and it's only your 2nd Writeoff? I'm definitely looking forward to reading more from you!
Mike
First things first: I'll pool everything here for future reference. A lot of comments spread out over three fics and no fics? I'm getting this all done in one fell swoop. Apologies ahead of time if I miss anyone out.
Also, pleased as punch to get the bronze medal. After the mad rush of the weekend, I should hope to see something for it, and this is a nice something indeed.
But let's deal with the here-and-now first:
>>Baal Bunny
Thanks! Writing that many words so quickly is possible, but it was a frantic weekend of writing, let's just say that. Sure as sugar I won't be doing that again in a hurry. Besides, in hindsight - and judging from those comments - the scars on the resultant fics are bloody obvious.
>>CoffeeMinion
Damn, now I wish you had come back. Sounds like I pushed a hell of a button.
>>Baal Bunny
Sprawling is the word. Particularly around the circus scene, I was sure I needed to trim it here and there, but a combo of author's blind love and will-I-wreck-it jitters stayed the scissors. I think this "good to great" brevity lark is something I'm just gonna have to learn on the job, guv. Still glad your first word on it was "lovely". That did my heart good, so it did.
>>Bachiavellian
First of all, sweet! You reviewed every fic here. I wish more had done that, so credit where it's due. And for a stellar use of the f-bomb, if I may be so bold.
Petunia being sweeter than sugar-marinated muffin was a sort of necessary evil; she had to be the normal one to contrast with the world full of crazies, and inevitably that makes her less interesting, relatively speaking. On top of that like a cherry on the aforementioned muffin, her canon characterization doesn't really delve much into who she is as a person (pony?), so there's that. Plus I was writing this last minute and chanting profanities at myself like a madness mantra, which might have been a minor factor.
Honestly, after two dead serious epics, I thought I had enough time to toss in a lark. A lark written like a goddamn whirlwind on crack, but hey, that's part of the fun, right?
>>Bachiavellian
That said, really not sure about this comment. Since I took longest on this one - plus it's the only one I had time to get proofread - I might get a tad defensive here, but I'll try to be fair and hear you out.
So fair's fair, I'm going to blame the slow burn leading up to the midway point as the red herring that led your sniffer astray. Otherwise, I'm not sure it's that radical a shift in tone. At least the subject matter and how one thing led to another never struck me as off, but as a logical followup of what went before. Don't know if that's an explanation, an excuse, or actual (gasp!) exculpation. All I know is I really don't see it as that drastic. But then I wrote the thing; I had access to the worker's notes.
Disappointed the ending didn't stir your cup of coffee. My proofreader did suggest the speech tie in more with Amity's philosophy rather than her emotions, which I guess is what you meant by themes carrying over from the start, but I didn't see it as that serious an issue given the drama on display. Going for the psychological angle was on the cards from Word One; I thought it was enough to cool Amity's emotions but leave her a sad wreck of her former self, and Sugar's defusing of the bomb with empathy (i.e. seeing things from the Other Side) was kind of the point, given her history. What I'm saying is: I'm not sure about your criticism here.
And while I'm at it, I'm not sure describing something as "cliche" really helps as a criticism; cliches aren't automatically bad, and can be done well. It's sort of like telling someone "Oh it's been done before". I think the Book of Ecclesiastes had a saying about what's new under the sun, or somesuch. At the least, this criticism's not specific enough for it to be actionable for me...
>>HiTime
I did cut corners, yes, but mostly because I thought it would bog things down to go on about the "hows" and the "whyfores". The slow start I've already talked about with Bachiavellian up top, but suffice it to say I did get a note from my proofreader about this, and I just said, "I'll take it on the chin; I don't think it's that serious". Ho hum.
Glad you seem to have liked it so much, at least. This was the one I had the highest hopes for until the comments started pouring in. And yes, Amity/Arcadia was a big part of why.
>>HiTime
I'll say more about this when we get to TitaniumDragon. Needless to say, I don't disagree with the criticisms, and the abrupt ending was inevitable, given how late I left this madcap monstrosity. Also, I really, really, really wanted to write more scenes with the family together again, believe me, even if writing Ye Olde English the first time put me in a faux-Shakespearean panic. I'm sure some linguist who loves antiquity is going to roast me giblets for those mangled lines.
>>Miller Minus
Same caveat with Bach above; I may get a teensy-weensy bit defensive here, but I'll try my best. I think the long list of story elements was a bit much, though. Yeah, I'm willing to concede a few things got lost in translation. Still, I'm not a complete neophyte; I did have those elements in mind.
I think the problem here, in the specific example and more generally, is one of assuming it's obvious what I mean when I write something. Take Double D here: to you, it's a jumble of unorganized mini-arcs with no coherent overall plan. To me: well, everything fits under the super-arc of being blindly overprotective because his empathy's lacking. Starlight's influence and him turning "evil" were the results of his spying habits for a (once) good cause, which he still has trouble with even in the emancipation era of Our Town. His affection for and bravery around Sugar likewise reflect his trouble recognizing when his good intentions are shooting him in the foot (note how Sugar brushes him off "brusquely" when he tries this once too often).
All these threads are products of the theme of empathy and good intentions: in his efforts to do good as best he can, Double D doesn't realize how he comes across. He compromises his own goal, both under Starlight - hence his bad habits - and now that he's free to determine things himself, even on this quest. The ending comes when he realizes he's neglected Sugar's POV in all this, to the point where he doesn't actually know her. Celestia's speech wakes him up, he reaches out for the first time, bingo! Complete arc.
How this didn't get across, I dare not speculate. I will say this, though; your opening paragraph at least was music to my ears. Uh, eyes. Brain. Well, it was music, one way or another, and I loved the damn thing. That's exactly how it felt, and why I'm kind of galled it didn't do so well in finals.
>>HiTime
Yeah, I'm making no excuses for the first half. What happened was that I actually started when Lyra came home from the funeral, and after finishing the circus scene I was like, "Wait a sec, people are gonna get confused about this". So I finished the later scenes, then scurried back to add the opening scenes as a patch job. I was never fully cheered by the sight of them, because around that point the word count bit me in the posterior and the clock hit me round the head screaming "TIME'S A-WASTING! TIME'S A-WASTING!"
The other thing, about the scene being dull? I think that was a deliberate ploy that worked a little too well. See, I was trying to contrast the dull real world with the lively nightmare of Everyland and Nothingland. Sadly, the trouble with trying to make something dull to read is that you make something dull to read. Part of the reason for the earlier scenes was also to shout at the reader, before they got to that scene, "I'm not a bad writer! I'm doing this deliberately! See, here's some more interesting writing to reassure you!"
Also, same as Bach: good work getting a review out for every fic in the contest! Naturally, I had a good time reading the good bits. Especially here, where the strong emotion was exactly what I wanted to see shine.
>>Bachiavellian
Funny you should mention Coraline, because that was a big influence on the fic (along with Alice in Wonderland, the Discworld books on Death, that one parade scene in Pom Poko, The Greatest Showman, and Inside-Out; I had a LOT of ideas bubbling away for this one). But yeah, Coraline was a big one. Without straying far into hyperbole here, I would marry that film if I could.
Said my piece about those scenes to HiTime above; needless to add, they're my least favourite scenes of the bunch. The circus one bothers me too. On the other hand, I'm trying not to rely on flashbacks in case they quickly become a crutch, and they seem awkward to use in a dream going more for abstract or half-formed imagery.
What I was going for was suspense rather than mystery; we know early on that Lyra's avoiding something, and that it's clearly too touchy to bring up. I didn't care if anyone guessed within the first few words that this was about Granny Virgo's funeral, since the emphasis was on how Lyra's escapist denials would lose to reality, and how she'd handle the clash. Those first scenes were meant to be spiced up by that suspenseful wait.
Lastly, it's probably the most "stock" of the three I wrote, but I loved every second of it. Kind of happy it made it as far as it did, though I twinge a little it didn't go further.
>>TitaniumDragon
Thanks! Although I don't think it works because of Limestone's anti-humour so much as she's a straight-up nutjob. It's her incredibly parochial but passionate POV which makes her the living end, if I do say so myself. The rest almost literally writes itself from there.
The ending I make no excuses for. The reason it reads like a rush-job is simple: it was. I only started writing this thing hours before the deadline, and frankly I'm shocked it's actually legible. I wanted to put in at least a couple more scenes to show the bond strengthening, but past a certain point I went "Crap, crap, crap, time to wrap this up".
That in mind, I'm also kind of shocked it did as well as it did. I mean, I didn't even have time to proofread it (same went for Everyland and Nothingland, but I was still editing that one myself anyway, so ran out of time).
>>CoffeeMinion
It may please you to know I'm submitting this Limestone malarkey to FIMFiction.net even as we speak. Keep an eye out for it, mate!
>>Rao
Professor, I ran out of words sooner than I would have hoped. This was a last-minute entry, in every meaning of the word.
Also, since when was Limestone a baby sister? I could have sworn she was one of the eldest, at least (can't remember Maud's age).
Other than that, another nice little comment to add to my collection. Shame we seemed to run out in the finals, but then it is THAT time of year. I know I'll be kept busy for the next couple of weeks. Still, ta and thank ye for the two cents!
>>horizon
Soon as it's published, my first fic will be joining that folder. No worries there!
>>Baal Bunny
See, I want to respond cleverly to this, but I'm having a little trouble for similar reasons to the predecessor reviewers above: the criticism seems a little off to me. Also, again, I might be jumping too quickly, sword and shield ready, to fight for this one.
Your comment suggests the fic doesn't have room to breathe, and needed more time to flesh out its concepts. I'll confess the ending piled it on a bit thick compared with the slow burn of the first half (now we're in an overgrown area, now we're getting attacked by fire demons, now we're in a cave with crazy unicorn, etc.). I'm not gonna pretend the word count wasn't against me on this one a bit, but I think the major problem structurally is that slow burn I mentioned, which if anything suggests to me that trimming it is the correct way to go.
I might be misunderstanding you here, fair enough. Plus, I cannot claim impartiality. Only everything at least seems to go at the right pace, and ending aside I guess I just don't see it as underdeveloped ("overdeveloped", now...?). I'll give it a ponder, at least.
Well, that seems to be everyone. You have my profound gratitude for the post-publication editorial assistance, guys. Hope to see you next time. Now I've got a taste of medal, I might just come back for more.
Also, pleased as punch to get the bronze medal. After the mad rush of the weekend, I should hope to see something for it, and this is a nice something indeed.
But let's deal with the here-and-now first:
>>Baal Bunny
Thanks! Writing that many words so quickly is possible, but it was a frantic weekend of writing, let's just say that. Sure as sugar I won't be doing that again in a hurry. Besides, in hindsight - and judging from those comments - the scars on the resultant fics are bloody obvious.
>>CoffeeMinion
Damn, now I wish you had come back. Sounds like I pushed a hell of a button.
>>Baal Bunny
Sprawling is the word. Particularly around the circus scene, I was sure I needed to trim it here and there, but a combo of author's blind love and will-I-wreck-it jitters stayed the scissors. I think this "good to great" brevity lark is something I'm just gonna have to learn on the job, guv. Still glad your first word on it was "lovely". That did my heart good, so it did.
>>Bachiavellian
First of all, sweet! You reviewed every fic here. I wish more had done that, so credit where it's due. And for a stellar use of the f-bomb, if I may be so bold.
Petunia being sweeter than sugar-marinated muffin was a sort of necessary evil; she had to be the normal one to contrast with the world full of crazies, and inevitably that makes her less interesting, relatively speaking. On top of that like a cherry on the aforementioned muffin, her canon characterization doesn't really delve much into who she is as a person (pony?), so there's that. Plus I was writing this last minute and chanting profanities at myself like a madness mantra, which might have been a minor factor.
Honestly, after two dead serious epics, I thought I had enough time to toss in a lark. A lark written like a goddamn whirlwind on crack, but hey, that's part of the fun, right?
>>Bachiavellian
That said, really not sure about this comment. Since I took longest on this one - plus it's the only one I had time to get proofread - I might get a tad defensive here, but I'll try to be fair and hear you out.
So fair's fair, I'm going to blame the slow burn leading up to the midway point as the red herring that led your sniffer astray. Otherwise, I'm not sure it's that radical a shift in tone. At least the subject matter and how one thing led to another never struck me as off, but as a logical followup of what went before. Don't know if that's an explanation, an excuse, or actual (gasp!) exculpation. All I know is I really don't see it as that drastic. But then I wrote the thing; I had access to the worker's notes.
Disappointed the ending didn't stir your cup of coffee. My proofreader did suggest the speech tie in more with Amity's philosophy rather than her emotions, which I guess is what you meant by themes carrying over from the start, but I didn't see it as that serious an issue given the drama on display. Going for the psychological angle was on the cards from Word One; I thought it was enough to cool Amity's emotions but leave her a sad wreck of her former self, and Sugar's defusing of the bomb with empathy (i.e. seeing things from the Other Side) was kind of the point, given her history. What I'm saying is: I'm not sure about your criticism here.
And while I'm at it, I'm not sure describing something as "cliche" really helps as a criticism; cliches aren't automatically bad, and can be done well. It's sort of like telling someone "Oh it's been done before". I think the Book of Ecclesiastes had a saying about what's new under the sun, or somesuch. At the least, this criticism's not specific enough for it to be actionable for me...
>>HiTime
I did cut corners, yes, but mostly because I thought it would bog things down to go on about the "hows" and the "whyfores". The slow start I've already talked about with Bachiavellian up top, but suffice it to say I did get a note from my proofreader about this, and I just said, "I'll take it on the chin; I don't think it's that serious". Ho hum.
Glad you seem to have liked it so much, at least. This was the one I had the highest hopes for until the comments started pouring in. And yes, Amity/Arcadia was a big part of why.
>>HiTime
I'll say more about this when we get to TitaniumDragon. Needless to say, I don't disagree with the criticisms, and the abrupt ending was inevitable, given how late I left this madcap monstrosity. Also, I really, really, really wanted to write more scenes with the family together again, believe me, even if writing Ye Olde English the first time put me in a faux-Shakespearean panic. I'm sure some linguist who loves antiquity is going to roast me giblets for those mangled lines.
>>Miller Minus
Same caveat with Bach above; I may get a teensy-weensy bit defensive here, but I'll try my best. I think the long list of story elements was a bit much, though. Yeah, I'm willing to concede a few things got lost in translation. Still, I'm not a complete neophyte; I did have those elements in mind.
I think the problem here, in the specific example and more generally, is one of assuming it's obvious what I mean when I write something. Take Double D here: to you, it's a jumble of unorganized mini-arcs with no coherent overall plan. To me: well, everything fits under the super-arc of being blindly overprotective because his empathy's lacking. Starlight's influence and him turning "evil" were the results of his spying habits for a (once) good cause, which he still has trouble with even in the emancipation era of Our Town. His affection for and bravery around Sugar likewise reflect his trouble recognizing when his good intentions are shooting him in the foot (note how Sugar brushes him off "brusquely" when he tries this once too often).
All these threads are products of the theme of empathy and good intentions: in his efforts to do good as best he can, Double D doesn't realize how he comes across. He compromises his own goal, both under Starlight - hence his bad habits - and now that he's free to determine things himself, even on this quest. The ending comes when he realizes he's neglected Sugar's POV in all this, to the point where he doesn't actually know her. Celestia's speech wakes him up, he reaches out for the first time, bingo! Complete arc.
How this didn't get across, I dare not speculate. I will say this, though; your opening paragraph at least was music to my ears. Uh, eyes. Brain. Well, it was music, one way or another, and I loved the damn thing. That's exactly how it felt, and why I'm kind of galled it didn't do so well in finals.
>>HiTime
Yeah, I'm making no excuses for the first half. What happened was that I actually started when Lyra came home from the funeral, and after finishing the circus scene I was like, "Wait a sec, people are gonna get confused about this". So I finished the later scenes, then scurried back to add the opening scenes as a patch job. I was never fully cheered by the sight of them, because around that point the word count bit me in the posterior and the clock hit me round the head screaming "TIME'S A-WASTING! TIME'S A-WASTING!"
The other thing, about the scene being dull? I think that was a deliberate ploy that worked a little too well. See, I was trying to contrast the dull real world with the lively nightmare of Everyland and Nothingland. Sadly, the trouble with trying to make something dull to read is that you make something dull to read. Part of the reason for the earlier scenes was also to shout at the reader, before they got to that scene, "I'm not a bad writer! I'm doing this deliberately! See, here's some more interesting writing to reassure you!"
Also, same as Bach: good work getting a review out for every fic in the contest! Naturally, I had a good time reading the good bits. Especially here, where the strong emotion was exactly what I wanted to see shine.
>>Bachiavellian
Funny you should mention Coraline, because that was a big influence on the fic (along with Alice in Wonderland, the Discworld books on Death, that one parade scene in Pom Poko, The Greatest Showman, and Inside-Out; I had a LOT of ideas bubbling away for this one). But yeah, Coraline was a big one. Without straying far into hyperbole here, I would marry that film if I could.
Said my piece about those scenes to HiTime above; needless to add, they're my least favourite scenes of the bunch. The circus one bothers me too. On the other hand, I'm trying not to rely on flashbacks in case they quickly become a crutch, and they seem awkward to use in a dream going more for abstract or half-formed imagery.
What I was going for was suspense rather than mystery; we know early on that Lyra's avoiding something, and that it's clearly too touchy to bring up. I didn't care if anyone guessed within the first few words that this was about Granny Virgo's funeral, since the emphasis was on how Lyra's escapist denials would lose to reality, and how she'd handle the clash. Those first scenes were meant to be spiced up by that suspenseful wait.
Lastly, it's probably the most "stock" of the three I wrote, but I loved every second of it. Kind of happy it made it as far as it did, though I twinge a little it didn't go further.
>>TitaniumDragon
Thanks! Although I don't think it works because of Limestone's anti-humour so much as she's a straight-up nutjob. It's her incredibly parochial but passionate POV which makes her the living end, if I do say so myself. The rest almost literally writes itself from there.
The ending I make no excuses for. The reason it reads like a rush-job is simple: it was. I only started writing this thing hours before the deadline, and frankly I'm shocked it's actually legible. I wanted to put in at least a couple more scenes to show the bond strengthening, but past a certain point I went "Crap, crap, crap, time to wrap this up".
That in mind, I'm also kind of shocked it did as well as it did. I mean, I didn't even have time to proofread it (same went for Everyland and Nothingland, but I was still editing that one myself anyway, so ran out of time).
>>CoffeeMinion
It may please you to know I'm submitting this Limestone malarkey to FIMFiction.net even as we speak. Keep an eye out for it, mate!
>>Rao
Professor, I ran out of words sooner than I would have hoped. This was a last-minute entry, in every meaning of the word.
Also, since when was Limestone a baby sister? I could have sworn she was one of the eldest, at least (can't remember Maud's age).
Other than that, another nice little comment to add to my collection. Shame we seemed to run out in the finals, but then it is THAT time of year. I know I'll be kept busy for the next couple of weeks. Still, ta and thank ye for the two cents!
>>horizon
Soon as it's published, my first fic will be joining that folder. No worries there!
>>Baal Bunny
See, I want to respond cleverly to this, but I'm having a little trouble for similar reasons to the predecessor reviewers above: the criticism seems a little off to me. Also, again, I might be jumping too quickly, sword and shield ready, to fight for this one.
Your comment suggests the fic doesn't have room to breathe, and needed more time to flesh out its concepts. I'll confess the ending piled it on a bit thick compared with the slow burn of the first half (now we're in an overgrown area, now we're getting attacked by fire demons, now we're in a cave with crazy unicorn, etc.). I'm not gonna pretend the word count wasn't against me on this one a bit, but I think the major problem structurally is that slow burn I mentioned, which if anything suggests to me that trimming it is the correct way to go.
I might be misunderstanding you here, fair enough. Plus, I cannot claim impartiality. Only everything at least seems to go at the right pace, and ending aside I guess I just don't see it as underdeveloped ("overdeveloped", now...?). I'll give it a ponder, at least.
Well, that seems to be everyone. You have my profound gratitude for the post-publication editorial assistance, guys. Hope to see you next time. Now I've got a taste of medal, I might just come back for more.
Before I forget: Well done, Miller Minus and Cold in Gardez, for the medal wins! Solid entries, both of them. I tip my hat to you two.
>>BlueChameleonVI
Just wanted to start by saying, no need at all to feel defensive. When I write reviews, I'm well-aware that I'm only writing my personal and highly subjective feelings. You're absolutely feel to disregard it or to consider it not applicable to the way you want to write. I know a lot of my thoughts are going to be based on a knee-jerk reaction, but I just wanted to be honest about the kind of knee-jerk I did have.
You're totally right that cliches are not automatically bad, and I do regret using that word in this case, since it tends to be emotionally charged. My intention with that piece of criticism was to convey that I had the feeling that I had read similar stories in the past, and for one reason or the other this feeling negatively impacted my reading.
Of course, there's nothing inherently wrong with writing familiar themes. In fact, last Short Story round I participated in, I distinctly remember that Horizon called my entry a "string of cliches" but ended up liking it (somehow). So I can't be 100% sure why I reacted negatively to Fire Burns's resolution. But I do think it is important to give you my honest feelings, rather than a white lie. In the end, you know the story better than I do (of course), and you're free to write it however you want (of course!).
Just wanted to start by saying, no need at all to feel defensive. When I write reviews, I'm well-aware that I'm only writing my personal and highly subjective feelings. You're absolutely feel to disregard it or to consider it not applicable to the way you want to write. I know a lot of my thoughts are going to be based on a knee-jerk reaction, but I just wanted to be honest about the kind of knee-jerk I did have.
You're totally right that cliches are not automatically bad, and I do regret using that word in this case, since it tends to be emotionally charged. My intention with that piece of criticism was to convey that I had the feeling that I had read similar stories in the past, and for one reason or the other this feeling negatively impacted my reading.
Of course, there's nothing inherently wrong with writing familiar themes. In fact, last Short Story round I participated in, I distinctly remember that Horizon called my entry a "string of cliches" but ended up liking it (somehow). So I can't be 100% sure why I reacted negatively to Fire Burns's resolution. But I do think it is important to give you my honest feelings, rather than a white lie. In the end, you know the story better than I do (of course), and you're free to write it however you want (of course!).
Congrats to our winners! I have to admit, I was very curious to see how the medalists would line up considering how much universal praise they all got. The scoreboard does place them head and shoulders above the crowd, so excellent work all around!
Retrospective: Coffee at Three
So I wrote this in about 4 or 5 hours on the last night of the writing period, and honestly, I didn't really like the idea, but it was all I had. I don't read an awful lot of EQG fics and I'm pretty lukewarm about the movies, so Sunset really is a bit of a mystery to me. I think I understand what makes her appealing to a lot of people, but its still a bit nebulous, which translated pretty obviously to how I wrote her.
And that's not even getting into the serious case of Talking Heads that this story contracted.
Needless to say, I was very surprised that I made it to the finals with this. I did not have very strong feelings while writing this, so I think it's safe to say that it ended up being inoffensively bland and more than a little forgettable.
>>Miller Minus
Yeah, I dropped the ball with Sunset's little speech. I only really had a vague idea of where I wanted it to go, and I'm sure it shows. As for the ending, I've learned to accept that I simply suck at writing endings. :P Still, I'm glad that you found parts of it enjoyable! As for Sunset speaking from experience, it's actually supposed to be implied that she's dating Sci-Twi. But I don't think anyone picked up on it, so I definitely wasn't clear enough with that.
>>HiTime
Totally understandable that it didn't feel substantial to you. I did not have an awfully well-developed idea, so I knew this story would be skirting the minimum word count. Usually, I try to be careful about telly-ess, but yeah, I dropped the ball there. I think it has to do a lot with how I'm not really sure how Sunset's inner dialogue would flow, so I ended up making it feel stilted. Thank you for your thoughts!
>>Rao
Totally agree that Sunset is underused. I know Spike better than I know Sunset, so it makes sense that I did a better job with him. And I'm sure you didn't miss anything at all. That's just all there is. :P
>>TitaniumDragon
You know, it's funny, because I don't really like those kinds of stories either. Which of course begs the question why I wrote one in the first place. Especially with a main character I hardly understand. patrickstar.webm. Agree that the story could have used a bit more life. It's a shame that I wasn't feeling a bit more inspired when I wrote it. Thank you for your review!
Retrospective: Coffee at Three
So I wrote this in about 4 or 5 hours on the last night of the writing period, and honestly, I didn't really like the idea, but it was all I had. I don't read an awful lot of EQG fics and I'm pretty lukewarm about the movies, so Sunset really is a bit of a mystery to me. I think I understand what makes her appealing to a lot of people, but its still a bit nebulous, which translated pretty obviously to how I wrote her.
And that's not even getting into the serious case of Talking Heads that this story contracted.
Needless to say, I was very surprised that I made it to the finals with this. I did not have very strong feelings while writing this, so I think it's safe to say that it ended up being inoffensively bland and more than a little forgettable.
>>Miller Minus
Yeah, I dropped the ball with Sunset's little speech. I only really had a vague idea of where I wanted it to go, and I'm sure it shows. As for the ending, I've learned to accept that I simply suck at writing endings. :P Still, I'm glad that you found parts of it enjoyable! As for Sunset speaking from experience, it's actually supposed to be implied that she's dating Sci-Twi. But I don't think anyone picked up on it, so I definitely wasn't clear enough with that.
>>HiTime
Totally understandable that it didn't feel substantial to you. I did not have an awfully well-developed idea, so I knew this story would be skirting the minimum word count. Usually, I try to be careful about telly-ess, but yeah, I dropped the ball there. I think it has to do a lot with how I'm not really sure how Sunset's inner dialogue would flow, so I ended up making it feel stilted. Thank you for your thoughts!
>>Rao
Totally agree that Sunset is underused. I know Spike better than I know Sunset, so it makes sense that I did a better job with him. And I'm sure you didn't miss anything at all. That's just all there is. :P
>>TitaniumDragon
You know, it's funny, because I don't really like those kinds of stories either. Which of course begs the question why I wrote one in the first place. Especially with a main character I hardly understand. patrickstar.webm. Agree that the story could have used a bit more life. It's a shame that I wasn't feeling a bit more inspired when I wrote it. Thank you for your review!
>>BlueChameleonVI
Congratulations on your huge success this round! My editing process has dragged on in its slow devolution into a brutal, masochistic thing from which I dearly crave release. But the end is in sight and I pray sincerely that the end product will be worth the pain.
Anyway: I may be running behind but I will catch this back up as opportunities allow. And yeah definitely, Limestone and Petunia are a teamup that pushes a good percentage of my Author Appeal buttons right out of the gate.
Congratulations on your huge success this round! My editing process has dragged on in its slow devolution into a brutal, masochistic thing from which I dearly crave release. But the end is in sight and I pray sincerely that the end product will be worth the pain.
Anyway: I may be running behind but I will catch this back up as opportunities allow. And yeah definitely, Limestone and Petunia are a teamup that pushes a good percentage of my Author Appeal buttons right out of the gate.
>>BlueChameleonVI
You're super right, Limestone is the oldest. Her cantankerous attitude always reminds me of a middle/youngest child, so I tend to forget. Anyway, congrats are being just astonishingly awesome this round!
You're super right, Limestone is the oldest. Her cantankerous attitude always reminds me of a middle/youngest child, so I tend to forget. Anyway, congrats are being just astonishingly awesome this round!
>>Bachiavellian
>>Rao
>>HiTime
>>TitaniumDragon
This was much more feedback than thought this dingy little story would get, and I'm so grateful to have received it. In the next write-off I'll try to give back a little more!
Last-minute excuses are kind of a given at this point (especially since I'd written 4200 words of a completely different story on Saturday, then canned it Sunday morning), but you all bring up a good point in the lukewarm, underwhelming feeling of the reveal and the ending. As with most of my stories, it starts with "Ooh, neat idea!" then rides off the initial momentum until it's time to tie everything up in a neat little bow, and my fingers start fumbling with the knots.
My initial idea didn't even ride on the interaction between Luna and the journalist, and I would love to go back and give Ink more compelling motivations beyond just wanting to know what the dreams mean, and Luna more compelling reasons to conceal her secret. When I dredge through this draft with a finer comb, I'll be sure to pick up on these important details.
Regardless, I'm thrilled you folks still enjoyed it for what it was! Thank you all for your feedback!
>>dragon discord
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Ah, Liquid Confidence is a blessing and a curse!
This makes me so embarrassed to have submitted in this state. Neither this drawing nor my brain was all there. Picture a bottle of booze sitting on my shoulder, with devil horns and bat-like wings, growling "Do it..." in a gravelly Christian Bale voice. Then, posted on my other shoulder, there's a sign which reads "Out To Lunch".
I apologize for this, and commend Cold in Gardez for what was probably my favorite story of the bunch.
>>Rao
>>HiTime
>>TitaniumDragon
This was much more feedback than thought this dingy little story would get, and I'm so grateful to have received it. In the next write-off I'll try to give back a little more!
Last-minute excuses are kind of a given at this point (especially since I'd written 4200 words of a completely different story on Saturday, then canned it Sunday morning), but you all bring up a good point in the lukewarm, underwhelming feeling of the reveal and the ending. As with most of my stories, it starts with "Ooh, neat idea!" then rides off the initial momentum until it's time to tie everything up in a neat little bow, and my fingers start fumbling with the knots.
My initial idea didn't even ride on the interaction between Luna and the journalist, and I would love to go back and give Ink more compelling motivations beyond just wanting to know what the dreams mean, and Luna more compelling reasons to conceal her secret. When I dredge through this draft with a finer comb, I'll be sure to pick up on these important details.
Regardless, I'm thrilled you folks still enjoyed it for what it was! Thank you all for your feedback!
>>dragon discord
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Ah, Liquid Confidence is a blessing and a curse!
This makes me so embarrassed to have submitted in this state. Neither this drawing nor my brain was all there. Picture a bottle of booze sitting on my shoulder, with devil horns and bat-like wings, growling "Do it..." in a gravelly Christian Bale voice. Then, posted on my other shoulder, there's a sign which reads "Out To Lunch".
I apologize for this, and commend Cold in Gardez for what was probably my favorite story of the bunch.
>>BlueChameleonVI
You're right, the second part of my comment was totally off base. I apologize. The point that I was trying to make was what you've basically illustrated in your response--it's all clear in your head, which is excellent, and looking back it's not surprising, but as you must have noticed, it's not super clear with the readers. All I was trying to say is that the gap wasn't bridged as much as it needed to be for me to truly enjoy the story.
Thanks again for writing! It was great fun reading your ensemble. Everything and Nothingland was my favourite, for the record :) Despite being so abstract, the core was much easier to follow.
Hope to see you in the next round!
You're right, the second part of my comment was totally off base. I apologize. The point that I was trying to make was what you've basically illustrated in your response--it's all clear in your head, which is excellent, and looking back it's not surprising, but as you must have noticed, it's not super clear with the readers. All I was trying to say is that the gap wasn't bridged as much as it needed to be for me to truly enjoy the story.
Thanks again for writing! It was great fun reading your ensemble. Everything and Nothingland was my favourite, for the record :) Despite being so abstract, the core was much easier to follow.
Hope to see you in the next round!
I was sick last week. Quite sick. Had to spend a couple of days in bed sick. Couldn't even finish my story and didn't read most of the entries until the event was over sick. It sucks, but at least I managed to whip out two art entries and even got gold. That'll do wonders for my self-esteem.
Well, that takes care of the excuses, now on to talk about my entries.
Nod Your Head hit all the right notes for me. I really enjoyed reading it and I enjoyed creating art for it just as much. Something about Cadence's arduous task made me envision her in many ways as she climbed on and on. I wish I could tell you why I thought of a real life horse, but I can't remember how I came up with that only that I loved the idea.
So, I started working on this piece in-between coughing fits by searching for a picture of a horse facing forward (my folder of horse pictures didn't have one, surprisingly. This has since been rectified), and started painting over it, trying to emulate the shading on it with Cadence's pink palette. As tedious as it my sound, I had a blast trying to make the shade as realistic as possible. Then I looked for a picture of a narwhal facing forward so I could get a grasp on how a central horn is placed in the head of a mammal, and worked with that. Then, I thought about where could I get a good view of open wings, and after look ing at several pictures of birds, I remembered the logo of Tristar Pictures and proceeded to kick myself for not using that as a reference from the get-go.
And then I went and half-assed her mane. I put some effort in emulating the shape of her mane, but as the meds started to kick in, so I didn't give it my all in making it blend all that well with horse Cadence. My bad. Also, I initially wanted the background to be more complex, perhaps show the previous segments of the neverending staircase fading and blending with the starscape, but none of my sketches won me over. Ultimately, I decided that the simple background made Cadence stand out more, so I went with that.
Overall, I'm mostly satisfied with this piece, I wish I could go back and focus on Cadence's mane and perhaps do a better job with the actual stairs. Perhaps try a few different poses for her and see if I can a more powerful piece.
Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun, and now I'll address particular feedback.
>>dragon discord
I'm glad you liked this so much, even in spite of its shortcomings.
Ah, yes. I've mentioned some of the issues I had with Cadence's hair, but while I admit that they deserved more polish, the idea of a realistic horse with a cute and colourful coiffure came across as silly and lovely to me, so I left it in.
Regarding the stairs, I only chose that tone because it's what I got after I did an image inversion of Cadence's pink colours. In hindsight, I should've used a different shade which popped out more on the black background and got along better with Cadence.
Duly noted.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
One one hand, I could make an elaborate argument about Cadence's journey dulling her senses to the point where she no longer physically manifests the inner turmoil inside of her. On the other, that tres leches isn't going to eat itself, so I'll just concede that point.
I do not know why, but I kinda want to hug a horse after reading that.
Yeah, I take the blame on that one. I made the effort to figure out how the horn would cast a shadow over Cadence's skull, but as with everything relating to her mane, I lazied it and just made black triangle shadow rather than actually follow the shape of her mane.
I didn't notice that until after the deadline was over. I just fumbled with the spread and scatter options of the Photoshop brushes and jiggled my mouse around until it sorta looked like a starry sky before calling it a day. I'll use a reference next time.
Anyhoot, I'm glad you liked it, and I'll do my best next time as well!
Well, that takes care of the excuses, now on to talk about my entries.
Nod Your Head hit all the right notes for me. I really enjoyed reading it and I enjoyed creating art for it just as much. Something about Cadence's arduous task made me envision her in many ways as she climbed on and on. I wish I could tell you why I thought of a real life horse, but I can't remember how I came up with that only that I loved the idea.
So, I started working on this piece in-between coughing fits by searching for a picture of a horse facing forward (my folder of horse pictures didn't have one, surprisingly. This has since been rectified), and started painting over it, trying to emulate the shading on it with Cadence's pink palette. As tedious as it my sound, I had a blast trying to make the shade as realistic as possible. Then I looked for a picture of a narwhal facing forward so I could get a grasp on how a central horn is placed in the head of a mammal, and worked with that. Then, I thought about where could I get a good view of open wings, and after look ing at several pictures of birds, I remembered the logo of Tristar Pictures and proceeded to kick myself for not using that as a reference from the get-go.
And then I went and half-assed her mane. I put some effort in emulating the shape of her mane, but as the meds started to kick in, so I didn't give it my all in making it blend all that well with horse Cadence. My bad. Also, I initially wanted the background to be more complex, perhaps show the previous segments of the neverending staircase fading and blending with the starscape, but none of my sketches won me over. Ultimately, I decided that the simple background made Cadence stand out more, so I went with that.
Overall, I'm mostly satisfied with this piece, I wish I could go back and focus on Cadence's mane and perhaps do a better job with the actual stairs. Perhaps try a few different poses for her and see if I can a more powerful piece.
Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun, and now I'll address particular feedback.
>>dragon discord
I'm glad you liked this so much, even in spite of its shortcomings.
The only thing I have a problem with are the hair and the stairs, they kind of wrench you out of the immersion of real life horse Cadence to cartoon world.
Ah, yes. I've mentioned some of the issues I had with Cadence's hair, but while I admit that they deserved more polish, the idea of a realistic horse with a cute and colourful coiffure came across as silly and lovely to me, so I left it in.
Regarding the stairs, I only chose that tone because it's what I got after I did an image inversion of Cadence's pink colours. In hindsight, I should've used a different shade which popped out more on the black background and got along better with Cadence.
Duly noted.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
A real horse’s face, with its tiny eyes, and lacking any particular emotion to start with, can’t carry much weight in conveying what Cadence is feeling in her ascent.
One one hand, I could make an elaborate argument about Cadence's journey dulling her senses to the point where she no longer physically manifests the inner turmoil inside of her. On the other, that tres leches isn't going to eat itself, so I'll just concede that point.
Also, real horse faces are less cute than show ponies and therefore somewhat less relatable.
I do not know why, but I kinda want to hug a horse after reading that.
Her horn shadow doesn’t seem to conform to her mane.
Yeah, I take the blame on that one. I made the effort to figure out how the horn would cast a shadow over Cadence's skull, but as with everything relating to her mane, I lazied it and just made black triangle shadow rather than actually follow the shape of her mane.
The dots in the background (stars?) are little streaks and not dots, and they all point in different directions;
I didn't notice that until after the deadline was over. I just fumbled with the spread and scatter options of the Photoshop brushes and jiggled my mouse around until it sorta looked like a starry sky before calling it a day. I'll use a reference next time.
Anyhoot, I'm glad you liked it, and I'll do my best next time as well!
She never really had a chance
On that fateful moonlit night
I didn't imagine I'd end up winning gold this round, but hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that. Terrible jokes aside, I'm glad this had such a positive impact with you.
The Book of Might Have Beens was quite the enjoyable read, and I really felt for Starlight as she went through her journey of regret. As I read, I knew I had to create an art piece for this story. The first thing which popped to mind was to draw a sad Starlight and superimpose her face on low opacity with different expressions (such as anger, happiness, and regret) to show the different paths her life could've taken, however the initial versions left a lot to be desired, so that idea was scrapped in favour of using that same sad Starlight reflecting on her life and how it all could've been different.
As many of you have said, scouring the mlp wiki for the right images took a long time. And I mean a long, lots of pictures were just slightly different variations of close-ups and didn't really give me much to work. I had to go through all of S5, 6, 7, and 8 to find appropriate pictures which depicted mostly important moments of her life (and that one with Spike because I think Sparlight is cute). However, that was only half of it. I then had to dabble with the saturation to make them all look sepia. Why I didn't just group them all together and then do a single color change? Good question.
Afterwards, came Starlight. While I did base her silhouette off a vector, I drew her sad eyes, snout, mane, shading, and other minor details myself, so does that count as half a point? Also, I'm surprised nobody mentioned how she has both manestyles in this picture: Her newer combover and her old bangs. This was a leftover from my original idea of having superimposed Glimmies to show the different paths her life could've taken.
After that, I used the image as a base to draw a nebulous color shade with low opacity to go over the collage so the pictures would better blend with the image of Glimmyglams. Once that was done, I just added the black shadows around her and chose an appropriate font for the title. You can see the other candidates faintly above the negative space on the edges of the image.
All in all, a bit of a grind, but one I had a lot of fun making. Thanks a lot for giving my pieces so much love, and I hope to improve in following competitions.
>>TitaniumDragon
>>MLPmatthewl419
I'm glad you liked it so much!
>>dragon discord
Yup, I noticed that too, and while I tried to fix it, I had forty screencaps in that collage, and I couldn't tell which one was which from the little layer thumbnail, so I had to do a lot of trial and error to move some before giving up. I'll try to come up with a more efficient system in the future.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Yeah, I wanted it to have a similar tone as the images, but perhaps there's something wrong with my monitor, because it didn't look as blurry as when I was working on it with Photoshop. I'll be sure to keep that in mind, though. It was a rather large oversight.
That I can attribute to the way I made the collage. As I was compiling them, I started placing them where I felt they fit best, however as time went on and I realised finding the right pictures wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, I started moving some around and changing the size of others. This, unfortunately, led to several empty spaces and even though I tried to correct most of them, they were forty images that I couldn't tell apart on the layer menu, so I just called it a day after a while.
I'm aware there's still some room left between my desired end goal and where my talent can lead me. I'll be sure to mind the gap.
As do I. The only reason I went with the screencap route was because my first idea was underwhelming and I just didn't have the time nor skill to recreate several dozen scenes from the show. And as much as I'd like to handwave all my shortcomings this round to my sickness, this one was just a whole slew of reasons.
In my defense, it took me way more than half an hour to find them all. But perhaps ther could've been better ways of pulling it off. Here's hoping I'll have less constraints next round.
And hey, I want to believe I did enough transformative work on the Starlight vector to warrant at least a pat on the head. (Even if none of those details can be really appreciated)
Anyway, thanks a lot to everyone, and here's hoping I do even better in the future!
On that fateful moonlit night
I didn't imagine I'd end up winning gold this round, but hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that. Terrible jokes aside, I'm glad this had such a positive impact with you.
The Book of Might Have Beens was quite the enjoyable read, and I really felt for Starlight as she went through her journey of regret. As I read, I knew I had to create an art piece for this story. The first thing which popped to mind was to draw a sad Starlight and superimpose her face on low opacity with different expressions (such as anger, happiness, and regret) to show the different paths her life could've taken, however the initial versions left a lot to be desired, so that idea was scrapped in favour of using that same sad Starlight reflecting on her life and how it all could've been different.
As many of you have said, scouring the mlp wiki for the right images took a long time. And I mean a long, lots of pictures were just slightly different variations of close-ups and didn't really give me much to work. I had to go through all of S5, 6, 7, and 8 to find appropriate pictures which depicted mostly important moments of her life (and that one with Spike because I think Sparlight is cute). However, that was only half of it. I then had to dabble with the saturation to make them all look sepia. Why I didn't just group them all together and then do a single color change? Good question.
Afterwards, came Starlight. While I did base her silhouette off a vector, I drew her sad eyes, snout, mane, shading, and other minor details myself, so does that count as half a point? Also, I'm surprised nobody mentioned how she has both manestyles in this picture: Her newer combover and her old bangs. This was a leftover from my original idea of having superimposed Glimmies to show the different paths her life could've taken.
After that, I used the image as a base to draw a nebulous color shade with low opacity to go over the collage so the pictures would better blend with the image of Glimmyglams. Once that was done, I just added the black shadows around her and chose an appropriate font for the title. You can see the other candidates faintly above the negative space on the edges of the image.
All in all, a bit of a grind, but one I had a lot of fun making. Thanks a lot for giving my pieces so much love, and I hope to improve in following competitions.
>>TitaniumDragon
>>MLPmatthewl419
I'm glad you liked it so much!
>>dragon discord
The only problem I really have with this piece is that in some places there is blank space. (Where there are no pictures overlapping with each[ ]other)
Yup, I noticed that too, and while I tried to fix it, I had forty screencaps in that collage, and I couldn't tell which one was which from the little layer thumbnail, so I had to do a lot of trial and error to move some before giving up. I'll try to come up with a more efficient system in the future.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
That title drop needs to have more contrast to be legible.
Yeah, I wanted it to have a similar tone as the images, but perhaps there's something wrong with my monitor, because it didn't look as blurry as when I was working on it with Photoshop. I'll be sure to keep that in mind, though. It was a rather large oversight.
There are a few places where the images don’t align together and leave gaps
That I can attribute to the way I made the collage. As I was compiling them, I started placing them where I felt they fit best, however as time went on and I realised finding the right pictures wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, I started moving some around and changing the size of others. This, unfortunately, led to several empty spaces and even though I tried to correct most of them, they were forty images that I couldn't tell apart on the layer menu, so I just called it a day after a while.
I found this to be offsetting.
I'm aware there's still some room left between my desired end goal and where my talent can lead me. I'll be sure to mind the gap.
I sometimes have trouble judging found-vector works against works done in traditional media.
As do I. The only reason I went with the screencap route was because my first idea was underwhelming and I just didn't have the time nor skill to recreate several dozen scenes from the show. And as much as I'd like to handwave all my shortcomings this round to my sickness, this one was just a whole slew of reasons.
browsing Image Search for a half hour to find that one graphic that fits
In my defense, it took me way more than half an hour to find them all. But perhaps ther could've been better ways of pulling it off. Here's hoping I'll have less constraints next round.
And hey, I want to believe I did enough transformative work on the Starlight vector to warrant at least a pat on the head. (Even if none of those details can be really appreciated)
Anyway, thanks a lot to everyone, and here's hoping I do even better in the future!
Thank you guys for voting me third! (Although I don't really think it's well deserved...)
As I was finishing that hell-hole of a story I said to myself, "I need to somewhat redeem myself for entering this fic." lmao
Finals week is done and now I will have more time over the summer to study Spanish, write, and improve my entries for the art parts of the contest. :')
>>dragon discord
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Uh... I honestly don't know why it turned when I entered it. I do have to say that it was late when I entered so idk.
As for the style thing, this is actually not my normal style. I wanted to try something different for this picture. My style is usually a bit more realistic than this, and the heads are certainly more proportional lol.
Thanks for the review ;)
As I was finishing that hell-hole of a story I said to myself, "I need to somewhat redeem myself for entering this fic." lmao
Finals week is done and now I will have more time over the summer to study Spanish, write, and improve my entries for the art parts of the contest. :')
>>dragon discord
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Uh... I honestly don't know why it turned when I entered it. I do have to say that it was late when I entered so idk.
As for the style thing, this is actually not my normal style. I wanted to try something different for this picture. My style is usually a bit more realistic than this, and the heads are certainly more proportional lol.
Thanks for the review ;)