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Hmmm. This is certainly an interesting entry. And I feel that there was a message you wanted to convey here, but it seems to be lost on me. That is, unless it was "don't do drugs". In which case, loud and clear.
I have to admit to bouncing off this story for the most part, though. There didn't seem to be a central theme being applied, jumping from peace and tranquility, to beloved weeds, to a resentment of those higher than us, to betrayal, drug abuse, optics, then finally suicide. I get that the tree is supposed to be a corrupting influence (even if it's part of her) but his dark lessons didn't seem to have a progression, like nothing tied each lesson to the previous one. A story can have all those things I listed, sure, but I needed more to follow along with what was happening to our poor Pegasus.
Without that connection, the artistic liberties you took in this story - like Fluttershy's remarkably easy turn to the dark side, or the way everybody talks - it all sticks out. And the pitch black ending just ends up making me sad, without really telling me why.
I really liked your scene descriptions, though; they're quite full of life. That said, the majority seemed only to appeal to the sense of sight. Well, I guess that's how it usually is... But still, forests smell like a lot of things, and make a lot of sounds too. Bark also tastes disgusting, so maybe have Fluttershy lick the tree (don't actually do that).
But it was still a neat story to start off my slate. Thanks for writing and good luck in the contest!
Hmmm. This is certainly an interesting entry. And I feel that there was a message you wanted to convey here, but it seems to be lost on me. That is, unless it was "don't do drugs". In which case, loud and clear.
I have to admit to bouncing off this story for the most part, though. There didn't seem to be a central theme being applied, jumping from peace and tranquility, to beloved weeds, to a resentment of those higher than us, to betrayal, drug abuse, optics, then finally suicide. I get that the tree is supposed to be a corrupting influence (even if it's part of her) but his dark lessons didn't seem to have a progression, like nothing tied each lesson to the previous one. A story can have all those things I listed, sure, but I needed more to follow along with what was happening to our poor Pegasus.
Without that connection, the artistic liberties you took in this story - like Fluttershy's remarkably easy turn to the dark side, or the way everybody talks - it all sticks out. And the pitch black ending just ends up making me sad, without really telling me why.
I really liked your scene descriptions, though; they're quite full of life. That said, the majority seemed only to appeal to the sense of sight. Well, I guess that's how it usually is... But still, forests smell like a lot of things, and make a lot of sounds too. Bark also tastes disgusting, so maybe have Fluttershy lick the tree (don't actually do that).
But it was still a neat story to start off my slate. Thanks for writing and good luck in the contest!
This one's not for me, so I must abstain.
Sorry, man. I started this one, I tried, but the character-breaking, the extremely basic prose, and the disgustingly visceral horror elements turned me off super-quickly. I couldn't finish it. It's not my cup of tea. I do hope you get feedback, though. I just didn't want to leave you out entirely, and maybe this comment can help a little to pick out what didn't work for next time.
Sorry, man. I started this one, I tried, but the character-breaking, the extremely basic prose, and the disgustingly visceral horror elements turned me off super-quickly. I couldn't finish it. It's not my cup of tea. I do hope you get feedback, though. I just didn't want to leave you out entirely, and maybe this comment can help a little to pick out what didn't work for next time.
The narrative voice of this story is excellent. It tells you what you need to know, when you need to know it, and--most importantly--how you need to know it. Horror stories live and die off of the strength of their tone, so lines like, "It almost seemed to beg to be killed" and the like really hit that spot between making perfect sense and being perfectly unsettling.
I do have to admit, I'm left wondering a bit about all the typos. It feels like every handful of sentences has a missing quotation mark, or a missing paragraph break. I'm trying to entertain the thought that all of these errors are intentional--are the missing quotation marks evidence that nothing was actually spoken, and this is all in Fluttershy's head? But if that were the case, I think you're being too subtle with this gimmick. I think you ought to either fix everything, or make it more clear if you're trying to do something deliberate. At the moment, it's hanging in an awkward space where it's bad enough to be distracting, but not enough for me to confirm whether or not its just a mistake or if the typos actually have an ulterior purpose.
As for the final payoff itself, I thought it was a tad underwhelming. The primary reason for that, is that there is nothing in the story that provides any sort of evidence that everything is not just Fluttershy experiencing hallucinations/delusions. The simplest answer is the easiest to believe, after all. And a straight-up hallucination horror story is, well, pretty plain. Horror is strongest when there's an element of mystery or ambiguity; fear of the unknown, after all, is powerful. So If I were writing this, I would throw a wrench or two into the "just a hallucination" possibility. Give us some physical evidence of a malevolent entity, or maybe just enough of another pony's perspective to make us unsure if everything really is happening only in Flutter's head. I think that would really build upon the great tonal style you've got.
I do have to admit, I'm left wondering a bit about all the typos. It feels like every handful of sentences has a missing quotation mark, or a missing paragraph break. I'm trying to entertain the thought that all of these errors are intentional--are the missing quotation marks evidence that nothing was actually spoken, and this is all in Fluttershy's head? But if that were the case, I think you're being too subtle with this gimmick. I think you ought to either fix everything, or make it more clear if you're trying to do something deliberate. At the moment, it's hanging in an awkward space where it's bad enough to be distracting, but not enough for me to confirm whether or not its just a mistake or if the typos actually have an ulterior purpose.
As for the final payoff itself, I thought it was a tad underwhelming. The primary reason for that, is that there is nothing in the story that provides any sort of evidence that everything is not just Fluttershy experiencing hallucinations/delusions. The simplest answer is the easiest to believe, after all. And a straight-up hallucination horror story is, well, pretty plain. Horror is strongest when there's an element of mystery or ambiguity; fear of the unknown, after all, is powerful. So If I were writing this, I would throw a wrench or two into the "just a hallucination" possibility. Give us some physical evidence of a malevolent entity, or maybe just enough of another pony's perspective to make us unsure if everything really is happening only in Flutter's head. I think that would really build upon the great tonal style you've got.
To all of you, thank you so much for reviewing this,,, thing. My brain wanted to make her whole situation different in the end. I didn't even think about her being a drug addict. My original plot was pretty convoluted and I really should have left it at "Fluttershy is having hallucinations after she is off of her drugs for a while from social pressure".
Crap.
Now that I think of it that is a decent plot.
Anyways, thank you for reviewing this. If you couldn't already tell, this is probably the second fic I've ever completely written out. :/
>>Miller Minus
I agree that a more central plot to this story would have helped it a lot more. I also do realize that I probably used the words "peace and tranquility" (or words like that) at least a billion times in here. In my revisal of the story there is going to be more pacing and descriptions. She's going to lick the tree xd
>>RogerDodger
I'm so sorry bro. My 12 o'clock brain could not comprehend what the rules were trying to convey to me.
>>HiTime
Thanks for the feedback! I knew that there was going to be some character breaking because she was having hallucinations. I tried to not have her immediately break character but I don't think only 2,000 words can slowly descend her into madness. I probably, might have, maybe, needed more words lmao Also, thanks for being honest about your feelings to this story without being harsh. Very much appreciated! :D
>>Bachiavellian
I-I never expected my narrative to be good. That is probably the best part of a horror story. It's supposed to be, well, horrific. I'm so happy you think I've really got something here. :)
If you're talking about the typos at the end:
That was to show that this was definitely all in her head, although you probably already got the idea. If there are other typos its most likely due to me not knowing exactly where commas go. You could even look back on this entire thank you letter and find places where commas should or shouldn't be lmao.
I like playing with the unreliable narrator stories, and having a reliable one swoop in at the end to show what actually happened, and it wasn't just her hallucinations playing tricks on her. I think that in revisions I'll do that. ;)
Thank you so, so much for the advice. <3
Crap.
Now that I think of it that is a decent plot.
Anyways, thank you for reviewing this. If you couldn't already tell, this is probably the second fic I've ever completely written out. :/
>>Miller Minus
I agree that a more central plot to this story would have helped it a lot more. I also do realize that I probably used the words "peace and tranquility" (or words like that) at least a billion times in here. In my revisal of the story there is going to be more pacing and descriptions. She's going to lick the tree xd
>>RogerDodger
I'm so sorry bro. My 12 o'clock brain could not comprehend what the rules were trying to convey to me.
>>HiTime
Thanks for the feedback! I knew that there was going to be some character breaking because she was having hallucinations. I tried to not have her immediately break character but I don't think only 2,000 words can slowly descend her into madness. I probably, might have, maybe, needed more words lmao Also, thanks for being honest about your feelings to this story without being harsh. Very much appreciated! :D
>>Bachiavellian
I-I never expected my narrative to be good. That is probably the best part of a horror story. It's supposed to be, well, horrific. I'm so happy you think I've really got something here. :)
If you're talking about the typos at the end:
She murdered her best friend, all for a vague promise that couldn’t be filled.
The tree spoke, “don’t start getting down on yourself, I never stated the exacts of the promise. Wouldn’t you like to know them?”
That was to show that this was definitely all in her head, although you probably already got the idea. If there are other typos its most likely due to me not knowing exactly where commas go. You could even look back on this entire thank you letter and find places where commas should or shouldn't be lmao.
I like playing with the unreliable narrator stories, and having a reliable one swoop in at the end to show what actually happened, and it wasn't just her hallucinations playing tricks on her. I think that in revisions I'll do that. ;)
Thank you so, so much for the advice. <3
>>Bachiavellian
Scratch my last comment. I'm going through the stupid thing and I've already caught four spelling mistakes. I h8 myself omg
Scratch my last comment. I'm going through the stupid thing and I've already caught four spelling mistakes. I h8 myself omg
>>Anon Y Mous
Don't sweat it. I recently wrote "fingers" instead of "feathers" in one of my pony Writeoff entries. Typos are God's great equalizer. :P
Don't sweat it. I recently wrote "fingers" instead of "feathers" in one of my pony Writeoff entries. Typos are God's great equalizer. :P