I dig this. It's simple, but I can see this being a centerpiece on Sunset Shimmer's porch. A little taste of home while she enjoys her human habit (because leather jacket girls have to smoke. It's the law). Damn shame I didn't think of it before. Decent work, mon artiste.
>>Not_A_Hat
Many ashtrays have little indents to rest your cig so it doesn't roll around. I assume that's the intent with the clipping.

For a more serious review - my biggest problem with this piece was that it wasn't funny enough all the way through.

Some specifics: this line:

Right now she’s sitting at three ninety-one BTUs—that’s Baked Thermal Units, which is roughly four hundred kJ—that’s kilojoints.

I'd recommend changing over to just:

Right now she’s sitting at three ninety-one BTUs—that’s Baked Thermal Units, which is roughly four hundred kilojoints.

The repetition of the abbreviation to the silly scientific unit makes it less funny and is awkward. Also, I'd probably put the two spaced further apart - 391 and 400 are too close. I'd make the second number either lower by half or more or higher by half again to double. Also, I think it might be better to hide the 420 joke for a bit - disguise it with you know, her only being 39 below the supposed threshold, and then have the 420 come in when Luna responds, or possibly just a bit later. That preserves the joke while giving a bit of a bonus to readers who bother doing the math.

This was a interesting take on both HiE and origin stories for ponies. The slow pace was a bit jarring at first but it became better around the 4th scene.

Aside from that, this story falls short for characters development, especially Daring Do. We don't actually follow the character who have the largest palette of emotions (the human) and we follow the one whose emotions are barely described (Daring Do). So I wasn't really caught by the story.

It felt like worldbuilding all over my face. The worlbuilding is well thought, well explained and, as I said, very interesting but as a reader I need more. If you intend to publish it, I would suggest to focus on the character. Therefore, the ending would be more powerful.

I'll alos add some of the discussion I had with Orbiting Kettle about pacing. The back and forth between two characters is now something well established in writing, while not so along ago, it was usal to see a story divided in two parts, one for a character (or several) and the other part for the other character(s).

I always thought the latter easier to write and to read but the former, if done correctly, speed up the pace and caught the reader more easily (which is the case here).

I do like stories about Rainbow Dash teaching others how to do the Sonic Rainboom.

That being said... I feel like this story is missing something important, which is a proper engagement curve.

This story is at its heart a fluff piece, and I get that. However, being a fluff piece doesn't free you from the universal engagement curve. This story just isn't that engaging for a great deal of its length; a lot of it is talking about the little things that Twilight is doing wrong, but unfortunately, that just isn't tremendously engaging for most of it. And indeed, even before that point, the introduction doesn't really do anything that exciting. There's several good points - Rainbow Dash being brought in, as well as the lead-up to the final successful run, and then the ending - but the rest of the story doesn't feel like it is pulling its weight.

Side note:

Expostulating is a word that Twilight might use, and I recognized it, but I suspect a lot of people wouldn't. I would recommend using a more common word.

I'm also guessing from some of the features of this story that the writer doesn't speak English as a first language, so I'd recommend have an editor go over this with an eye for some awkward sentence structure.

Well, Discworld's Death is definitely getting a workout these days. I think Pratchett would be pleased. I was surprised that I actually ended up liking this. I felt there needed to be a little more context as to what was actually happening, but that may just be me liking to have more context for stories in general.

I'll admit I was surprised Vinyl actually made it to the stage, but I'm also a sucker for romances, so it still works for me. Not really sure what to add... other than that I suddenly have an urge to go read Binky Pie again...

I liked the concept of this story.

Fantastic worldbuilding, and all the details make sense and add authenticity to the feelings.

The beginning of this story felt… too thick, I guess is the best explanation. Especially considering that this is an action scene, the sentences are simply too long. In fact, I’m not even sure the first paragraph is needed, because the second has the appropriate feeling of an action scene. And the further I get in… it almost seems as if it was done by another author entirely.

And now that I’ve actually finished it… well… that was bucking terrifying. And horrifying. And… a lot of other things. You did quite well with the pacing. I had no idea what was going on until the very end. And now I’ll likely have nightmares about this damn thing for days… Cadance murdered the world, huh? Didn’t see that one coming.

At least Luna could come back… but I guess something like love isn’t quite so easy to fix as a freaking celestial body.

Not my cup of tea, but very well written.

Okay, I find this hysterical, but Sunny would never be that blase about a freakin’ giant eyeball. Goddamit, Discord. Seriously? Setting up Sunny with Velvet? Not cool. Discord just laughs at paradoxes. Of course he would. Facehooves for days for just about everything (Though nice touch with Sonata being there).

Okay, this was beyond words. I laughed my tail off. Played up enough of the BTTF tropes while still twisting things to be totally new and random. Exactly as I would expect with Discord. Seriously, I got weird looks from people because I just kept bursting out laughing. The comic drop of Twilight’s parents meeting in college was brilliant.

And Velvet remembers. Of course Velvet remembers.

Random Thoughts: I was disappointed the herring was not red. & “and Starlight was there but blech, no thank you.” - I already love this story.

Good golly, this is going straight into my “Far-To-Amusing” and “Top Shelf” bookshelves the moment this goes live. I freaking loved it.

Ayep. Freaking. Loved. It.

>>Novel_Idea

Okay, I find this hysterical, but Sunny would never be that blase about a freakin’ giant eyeball.

You're assuming they don't have a prior history already.

Also, before anyone asks, no, I didn't write this one (although I'm pretty sure I know who did, and I appreciate the shout-out immensely). Please don't disqualify it.

This feels more like a cartoon to me rather than a short story in the same sense that the only sort of stimulation most cartoons aim for is overstimulation. I can't bring myself to like this story. It's just too much for me. So much, in fact, that I can't even bring myself to read the entire thing. Sorry, but good luck.

I had trouble with this one. I’ll admit, however, that I’m not normally an HiE reader, so some of my bias may be slipping in. First, the main narrative didn’t feel like Daring Do at all. I was constantly being tripped up by strange analogies and word choices (“Be a worm in a can of rocks” for example). Daring Do didn’t have much in the way of… reaction? She didn’t feel authentic. Also? The final line just felt wrong. Daring Do would fight. She would try something. Do something. Not just do the helpless princess thing.

Second, the “logs” didn’t come across as something any sort of explorer/colonist would write. It’s too casual, even if they’re supposed to be personal logs. This issue with a falling out between Jennifer and Bruce? “She’s really shotgunning round, so you’d better hit the deck, hunch down and ride it out.” Who is this even written to? Who’s “you” in this? Then there are comments like “It passed like a dream” while the same entry ends with “I have a bad feeling about this?” I have no idea who the narrator is. What he (?) wants. Why is he there? I don’t even know what he does for the colony.

Then there’s continuity. We have an explosion that happened for no discernible reason. A magical screen that protected some of the population from the explosion. An attack without any reason I can see.

I think this needs a lot more detail and a lot more planning as to what happened during the colony period. The diary entries need to be tightened significantly. Characters need to be developed more effectively.

It's an interesting idea, but the concept needs to be explored more coherently.

You keep confusing Sunset Shimmer and Starlight Glimmer in this. I counted seven Sunsets.

>>Posh

Continuity! It's a thing! Even if it's someone else's continuity!

Okay, I'll take it, just because I need a bit of silly after a few of these entries...

Overall a really good concept but hindered by poor pacing. If you have a really good concept for the story, you shouldn't force your audience to read through things that can be summarized with a quick sentence or two, or better yet, not at all. The entire beginning part could've been skipped, alongside a couple events here and there. But when the story begins stomping onto the good parts, oh it really gets a-thumpin'. However, for me, at least, those good parts are only within that second half.

Starting off my reading by picking a story from my slate with no reviews yet.

This was a good start to my reading! I ended up appreciating it (with two major caveats that I'll get to in a moment). Little vivid details can do a lot to make or break stories, and bits like her poofing up her hair, her comment to Mrs. Cake, etc., still stick out in my mind. Then this goes into time-loop-ville … and comes out the other side. It's not the first time I've seen that approach, but it's a solid addition to the genre; this makes a good decision to focus heavily on the emotional impact of Pinkie's experiences, which carries the story's weight despite the limited number of outcomes a time-loop resolution story can have.

So, good job. But there are two severe problems keeping this from earning an early Top Contender, both of which have to do with pacing and structure.

One: I hit these lines near the end of the real-Twilight scene —

...Unless Twilight just resets everything from scratch and my memory goes kerflooey.

Somehow, though, Pinkie doubted she'd do that.

— and I thought, Wow, way to break the tension of the climax. It felt like this was deliberately resolving your plot arc in advance of you actually reaching the conclusion. But rereading that section, I think that's actually a symptom of a larger pacing problem. The *entire* real-Twilight scene, basically, ends in the same place it starts off. It retreads a lot of ground that the scene starting with Pinkie waking up already (effectively) covers: the stakes of the big plot decision and the arguments upon which it turns. It feels to me like Twilight's decision was finalized before breaking Pinkie out of the simulation, which means that the entire real-Twilight scene doesn't move your story at all.

(Nitpick: It also raises questions about how exactly Pinkie is manifesting in real-Twilight's reality, given that she appears to have been created in Twilight's simulation and to not actually exist on real-Twilight's level.)

And issue #2: You basically are trying to tell two separate stories here.

Everything after the universe reset is an entertaining read, don't get me wrong, but that's because the writing in general is entertaining and readable. That doesn't excuse the denouement grinding to a halt. You've written 1500 words of EqG Twilight going to school, and that's about 1000 too many to serve as a denouement for the story you started out telling. It would have been far more effective if you jumped in just long enough to provide context, orientation, and (basically) a single opening line of a Pinkie meeting, without going into your digressions about Twilight's family, studies, unrelated classmates, etc.

The reason is: What you're trying to accomplish with that final section is to sell the theme which your original story sets up. This is — in its warm, beating heart — about Pinkie Pie's convincing her that it's okay to let go, and endings being necessary for new beginnings. That means you want to close on that new beginning, leaving it open-ended, full of wonder and potential. You spend a lot of time grounding us in the new world, as if you were starting a new story, but all of your words setting up all those unresolved arcs detract directly from your original message.

As-is, this is engaging start to finish (the trees are healthy) but it ultimately feels diluted (the forest is overgrown). I can't think of anything you would need to add to get this to a powerful, Top Contender state, but as Antoine de St.-Exupery says, "Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to remove."

Tier: Strong

This fic is on my slate. However, I privately helped the author with some aspects of the fic during the writing weekend. As such, I'm abstaining from voting and guessing.

I agree it ends abruptly, but, well, Writeoffs. Expansion could strengthen it considerably.

For the entry as written, though, I'd actually significantly prune some of the earlier material. This doesn't actually begin its plot until Luna arrives in Scene 2; Scene 1 deals with a lot of family logistics and interaction that don't end up making any difference to the core plot. If AB and BM don't end up playing significant roles in the final version of this story, that first scene might be cuttable in its entirety.

mspaint is the tool of the gods, aliasing in non-pixel-art is incredibly underrated. Using "better" tools won't get you better results, often it just muddies the actual strengths you're showing off here - that is, really strong composition and focus.

He disguised his lack of a heart quite well

Now THAT's a hook!

Hrm, I wasn't expecting the CMC drawing to turn into such a gloomy story. It's kind of a Dark Souls inspired theme (probably from the picture's title), about a magical world struggling against the threat of entropy. Don't worry readers, there's no references at all to the videogame, so maybe it's just my imagination that it's even related to DS.

I do like the idea here, having the CMC inherit the world-savior roles; the princesses are indisposed because they are themselves the problem. But the story itself feels rather abstract, since they mostly just talk about what's happening and what to do. It took me a while to even figure out that the first-person narrator was Sweetie Belle. I guessed that from process of elimination, but couldn't confirm it until much later in the scene.

The bartenders said it's the most fun they've seen anypony have in years, and, yeah. That feels pretty good, too. Have to keep the world worth saving, after all.

I'd say that's the problem here. I don't know if this world is worth saving! I know about the crisis, but I don't get to know much about the world itself. neither for the CMC here -- I assume there's been a timeskip, and their lives have progressed, but I can't really tell. They could just as easily be the same fillies as they currently are on the show. Apple Bloom collapses from exhaustion, and I'm not sure why? What has she been doing for years? Instead of tension I feel a little bored, because I don't feel connected to this changed world. I'm vaguely aware it's different from status-quo Equestria, but I couldn't say how.

That's my only real problem. I'm ok with the plot, and I think the ending is fine too. I just wish I wasn't left blind to the stage scenery.

The radio communicator and

Her word is a gunshot

pulled me out of this story. Without being told the specifics of this world, I'm assuming your bog-standard MLP world. Crystal communicator would work, because it's something that you can handwave with Oh, those zany Crystal Ponies with their zany crystal super-computers! Or if you're working Pre-Crystal Empire, something that's enchanted works well.

For the gunshot, you could work it with something that gives you the same feel, whether it hits you on the sound (glass breaking, crystal shattering) or the feeling (stabbed with cold steel, a knife sliding in-between your ribs). Find something that you like, and that works for you.

The plot was pretty interesting, but it wraps up rather quickly. As you wrote, Lyra is a broken mare. but she appears to recover rather quickly.


I was confused by this portion:

She must have sensed my disbelief.

As Sweetie Drops was preciously written, she appeared to be scornful towards harmony instead of disbelieving, because of how she'd been replaced and relegated to the trash heap.

In the first section, Trixie’s departure also seemed… too abrupt. Considering what’s she’s dealt with before, it would take more than a few vegetables to get her off stage. And that particular trick? It’s one thing to put the magician in danger. It’s another thing entirely to put an unwilling and unaware audience in danger. She could have very well been arrested for that (and probably should have. That could have been interesting, though frankly, Starlight would/should have strangled her for even coming up with it).

Starlight switched to Sunset at multiple points. I’m also unsure why we just read another recount of Trixie’s “battle” with Twilight. To me, it sounds like Trixie’s gone right back to Season 1 with the added benefit of sometimes being talked down by Starlight. Starlight’s character also didn’t feel like Starlight. The dialogue seemed much more in line with Twilight’s. Perhaps she was simply too confident? It’s hard to pin down.

I’m really not sure what to think here. Far too much time was spent on retelling of stories we’ve already seen and already know. While I know the audience of the town doesn’t know this story, the readers do. So something needs to be changed. Either they need to be entirely different stories (or wildly outlandish versions of them… but since we’ve already seen Trixie do that… it’s not a route I would go), or substantially shortened versions of them. Then again, that removes a great deal of the story.

I didn’t feel like there was any true character arc for Trixie here, even though one was attempted. She didn’t act like she learned anything. She didn’t resist Sparkleberry’s plan (which might have been interesting). I didn’t see any reason why she earned ‘a second chance.’ She still seemed as ego-driven as the first time we saw her. What drew Starlight and Trixie together were their mistakes and their attempts to get over them. I saw very little of that. It was almost as if Starlight was playing Twilight to a Trixie playing Starlight (if that makes any sense). This story needs a some fairly serious polish as well. There’s a lot of strange word choices, misspellings and other similar things.

The general sense I got was trying to show Trixie learning how to play the appropriate show to the appropriate crowd with Starlight trying to help reign her in. And that core story is there! It just needs some work to let it shine through.

You know, I feel like I should have some deep and meaningful thing to say about this. I'll say you misspelled phoenix a couple times. And this... was... it was...

You know what?

...I got nothin'.

Okay, this hurts my damn head. I’m sure that there are individuals who can follow this story, but… I got to a point where I was actually skipping paragraphs because of how convoluted it became. I may have ended up skimming about half the story until the dialogue started.

It simply takes too long to go anywhere or do anything. I guess the only thing that might help would be if I knew what had happened. Even if we found out it was just a new spell, some sort of cause so we’d have a theory to play with would make it more satisfying. Instead, we just have Facets of the Self fighting for control of one body… and these facets can oddly speak in a way that Spike finds perfectly normal?

I suspect I’m just not in the target demographic for this. I’m sorry I can’t provide anything more useful.

Genre: Holy crap, DARK

Thoughts: This is so much the opposite of the tone of the last few stories I read that I need a minute.

Woo.

There's also a really critical missing word typo: "has been only one" needs to be "has been the only one" otherwise I don't know what's going on here.

What a great use of the prompt art imagery in the death-bearer's coat. Major props for that.

There's a lot of world building caught up in the central conversation. E.g., the nature of harmony and its magic. What a great but heavy moral quandary for these characters to ruminate on. It's ambitious as heck. The resolution of it feels mostly satisfying, too, although I have some specific nitpicks. Chief among them is that Rarity never gets mentioned once. Now whether or not outright Sparity is your thing, I have to think it would at least weigh on Spike's decisions one way or another. The presence of Fluttershy at the center of his concerns seems to occupy the space that might more naturally go to Rarity, and there's no clear explanation for why. It's a big oversight IMO considering the story's otherwise strong ability to present good world building.

The other big quibble here is, why does Spike want to die so badly? I feel like it's presented without much explanation, and the story turns down a pretty overt opportunity to make itself clearer on that point.

The central struggle of an uneasy Death is quite good, though.

Tier: Strong

I’m impressed. Snappy pacing, interesting story and a face-off against a very much imperfect Celestia? Well, I do enjoy seeing Celestia with her mask down. And a little bit of exploration about “The Agency?” That’s good times, even if it’s dealing with Lyra’s incident during the wedding.

Celestia’s character bugs me a bit. I don’t have any problem with BonBon snapping at her (and bringing up Sunset as the thing that finally forces Celestia to cut her off was magnificent). I don’t even mind her explanation. I mind how she goes from apparent anger to asking for forgiveness. It was too abrupt, unless Celestia was hiding things all too well, and BonBon gave the impression that she could see through it. Her dialogue also… well, it didn’t sound like Celestia, but that’s something that can be done in a polish.

Before a final version, I’d say you need to spend some time with Luna and Lyra. Perhaps a shared dream experience for all of them, where Lyra actually overcomes her nightmares (after all, Luna does tell Scootaloo something about facing fears or the nightmares will continue…) and I could see her created a shared dreamscape for the two of them.

I admit I have a fondness for stories that connect the hidden pieces together. Lyra as mind-controlled, The Agency, the Bugbear, the Elements, all linked together? That kind of thing is one of my favorite types of stories. Because, let’s be honest, there’s plenty in MLP that doesn’t make sense in continuity. I’m a big fan of continuity and you definitely handled it well.

Well for this review, I had to admit that I cheated. I checked the art and made sure it wasn't based of the... more cracky entry.

Looking at the art and the prompt, you ran with it in a great way. The title leads off with an odd sort of premise, and me wonder.
Is this our evil dictator out on the weekend, coming to get some eyeglasses because that's the only time when his schedule is free? Did he invade the Crystal Empire for their superior public eye care?

Not even in my wildest dreams did I image what you'd done with it. You turned Sombra, the evil dictator of the Crystal Empire... into a bitter professor (with tenure and a research grant! What more could a guy wish for?). He hates his colleagues, hates his superiors, hates his students, and generally hates everyone. The only thing he likes is his research, which keeps getting interrupted, hence his irritation.

I like how this is a safety tale, and that Sombra's wearing the equivalent of magical-contact lenses. If there was one thing I learned in chem lab, safety goggles always and NEVER contact lenses. You hammer down it it by having the optometrist explicitly warn him. But Sombra's a cool-cat who knows he's not gonna be messing around anything dangerous. so why bother?

While I'd normally say this has the foreshadowing subtlety of a battleship's 21 gun salute, it works. The Sombra that we've seen is kind of a jerk, and I want to see get his comeuppance somehow. Maybe get passed over for promotion, or shunned at a social event (not that he'd care anyways), but we both know what's gonna happen...

He gets to play with his crystals, and then the inevitable happens, and really it's not his fault! Honest!

A funny, yet horrifying and depressing origin story for Old King Sombra. I really enjoyed it.

Oooh Boy. Wow. That was… intense. I actually ripped through this entire story in one go. Pacing was top notch. Character description of Sombra was bang-on. I love the idea that he was just a scholar wanting nothing more than to be left alone to do his work… only to get pulled into something far greater and far darker. I admit I may have been shipping Sombra with Sparkle Dust a little. *cough*

The eye chart was a brilliant addition. Frankly, I wasn’t expecting much to come out of this picture, but you blew it out of the freaking water. Wrapped in lore, great characters and a rather… terrifying ending, this one is a fantastic ride from beginning to end.

>>Novel_Idea
I loved the eye chart as well. It stuck out that there was a path leading towards Crystal in the first chart, but then as the infection, for lack of a better word, progresses, it dominates.

>>Rao Now that you say that... yeah, I have seen that. Thanks for the reminder!

It's sorta bugging me that people keep saying this was made in mspaint. There's quite a few parts of it that would be way too difficult to do without at least basic layer support. So I checked the tags:

i_comment => Created with GIMP

So, yeah, the artist is in fact human. Or maybe you guys seriously overestimate what mspaint is actually capable of. ;p

The style looks basic because of what I imagine was a self-imposed limitation—not just being monochromatic, but only using 5 shades of grey for lighting—rather than lacking tools. Also, the strokes look smooth enough that I doubt they were done with a mouse.

people see pixel aliased lines and assume mspaint....

mspaint lost that feature since Win 7. the brushes now have this ugly anti-aliasing effect that you can't turn off. you couldn't efficiently create this effect even if you wanted to.

Alright, bleep it, even if I missed the deadline I'm still doing something for one of these and thus not breaking my 2+ year streak of writing stuff for this, even if it's too late fur the main cutoff.

This will be awfulcomedic.

It was really funny the first half. Unfortunatly, the joke keeps going on and on and lose its freshness.

Aside from that, that was a nice take on the image. The pace and the character were pretty neat but as I said, the joke goes for too long and become redundant for me.

Mid-tier

>>horizon

"Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to remove."

Didn’t know that quote. Thanks for pointing it out.
(Besides, no this fic isn’t mine [needless to say], it’s actually on my slate).

Some of the writing was clumsy, but I wasn't bored. I still wanted to know how this would turn out. Trixie redemption stories are pretty common, but there's enough new elements here so it doesn't feel stale. it's an alright slice of life story that could use some polishing.

I thought the opening was pretty strong. It's written in a overdramatic style that sounds just like how Trixie would narrate this herself. and here we get the picture prompt, lots of flashes and firework. but it figuratively backfires on the audience, they hate it! so far it's enjoyable, it has my attention.

some of these names get easily confusing. I misread Twinkle as Twilight at first. guess what Sparkleberry reminded me of. but later on, there's a Scruffleberry. anyway, Sparkleberry gets the point-of-view after the opening, and she has some potential. but at this point I wasn't totally clear if the story would be focused on her, or go back to Trixie's character growth. it seemed to wander between the two options, but took too long to let them meet and interact in a fun way.

it was funny how Trixie's stories end up biased in her favor, even when she's supposedly trying to deliver a message about friendship and forgiveness. she may be shifting away from glamour and vanity, but still has plenty of it to spare. the irony is kind of amusing, since the reader knows the truth better than the show's audience.

the story's low on excitement and pizzazz for being about Trixie, and I'm not sure who learned what lesson at the end, but I think it's heading in the right direction.

>skipping past Vinyl's explanation
Sweetie Belle: OH COME ON

the opening was almost cringe-comedy, but then I really laughed at Octavia believing the excuses after all. this is a good setup for a comedic story! Vinyl wants to fix the cello, and she'll do anything possible to make it happen... as long as she doesn't have to be honest or responsible. I really loved how Rainbow and Rarity are introduced to the plot with this flimsy logic that they'll know just what to do. this could lead just about anywhere and still be interesting.

but here it leads to.... well...... you were rushed, weren't you author? this is just a deus ex machina instant resolution. and the final scene doesn't even have a good punchline. well, too bad. the early sections were still quite enjoyable, so I hope you don't throw this idea away.

There isn't much criticism I could offer here. This was good, really good. Maybe a bit too long. I've read the story in three sittings and that's probably why nothing really stand out.

Since I don't care at all for Sombra in general, I wasn't caught by the story, though I must admit that it was a brilliant on idea you've given us based on the image.

bloons3 and Novel_idea have already raised many good points so I'll lazily second them.

So a top contender.

Funny from the beginning to the end. That's first strong point.

The second one is how you use BTTF and still manage to keep it fresh and entertaining.

Aside from that, the pace was great and the interaction between a well-written Discord and Sunset were hilarious.

Also, I loved that line

“There’s no such thing as a Paradox. The universe is chaotic, my dear. A paradox is a mortal concept, an attempt to instill order on something that doesn’t make any sense to begin with. Do whatever you want, make out with your friends’ mothers, become your own grandmother. The universe doesn’t care! It’ll just keep trucking along, inconsistencies and all.”

And that's how you not bother yourself with the difficulties of writting time travel. I shouldn't say it but it felt meta.

So a strong top tier in my book. That was really neat.

Also, the shout out to Posh's story, because I got it, was great.

That was intense, a very close POV surely helps to settle these kinds of story. The fast pace also helps strengthen the character's emotions.

You have strong metaphors but some of them felt a bit clumsy, especially this one.

Dying is the worst favour you could make for a cause because, above the wreckage and the sacrifices, there will inevitably be vultures smart enough to pretend to be phoenixes. They won’t hesitate to gather the martyrs’ ashes and make it fertiliser for their garden.

That was a bit jarring, especially since it's Celestia speaking.

Aside from that, I'll agree with what >>Novel_Idea said about adding a scene with Luna and Lyra. It might helps to not have Lyra strangely recover quickly from her nightmares.


>>bloons3
I don't see where it is said it's a radio communicator, it can be an enchanted crystal device or whatever. However, I agree about the gunshot, it's not something we should find in Equestria. Maybe a party cannon?

Still torn between ranking it top contender (despite the flaws) or top mid tier.

>>Cold in Gardez
I remember seeing a releastic Santa Clause piece done on MS Paint. Le Link

>>FairyRave

Le Link

Charming!

>>Monokeras
I took three years of French and I needed to find ways to use it. :P

>>FairyRave
I was referring to your avatar…



(Not even true)

>>Monokeras
Oh, thank you. A friend did the lineart then I colored.

Yes, yes, and yes and another yes. And yes again. Top characters, top pace, top top top. Should I mention that I loved that story?

Let's try to see why.

The overused dream cliche is well handled here. I think because on one hand the dream is actually interesting to see and on the other hand, the dream is reused through all the story, without taking too much place. It also have an amazing explanation at the end.

Starlight being summoned by the map is original but I would have loved to understand better why she was summoned this time.

Speaking of Starlight, she was amazingly well written here. I loved her snarky comments on things and her doubts about herself.

And last thing, this story stands on his own and has also a great potential for a sequel and that felt brilliant, a feeling of satisfaction I rarely have. If this ever happens, please author, send me a link.

A tiny little nitpick with this part

Control. It was the most important piece of a pony’s character. The glue in Twilight’s books, the gluten in Pinkie’s cakes, the thread in Rarity’s ensembles. Without control, a pony was nothing but scraps.

Why not doing the same with the rest of the mane 6?
The stoïcism in Fluttershy's animals taming.
The resilience in RD flies.
The organisation in apple bucking from Applejack.

Anyway, a top tier without a doubt.

>>FairyRave
Next time, enter the art contest!

>>Monokeras
I did. I simply didn't do it in that style.
Though, I'll just let you guess which is/are mine.

>>FairyRave
Since you have an obvious knack for colouring, I suspect the watercolours one with the giant flower.

>>Monokeras
Although I definitely love that one, that isn't my work.

Genre: Human In Equestria to the nth degree

Thoughts: I was completely sucked in by the journies of the human and Daring Do. The story maintains a slow burn that only starts to accelerate right toward the end, and I didn't want to put it down because I wanted to know what happened next.

The ending is, therefore, my biggest sticking point. After all the build up of the characters and the slow unraveling of mystery, we end with a slasher horror moment of sorts? I don't buy it. I actually do like the horror aspect of it, and I think that could be a fitting way to approach the meeting of the two storylines. But I think it isn't currently sticking the landing by having our all-action protagonist suddenly freeze up. The payoff is also severely blunted (no pun intended) by having the meeting of these two characters who we've come to care about end in just a blaze (420) of smoke (em if you got em). Right now the ending just smacks us in the face, which is a sharp disappointment after such a well crafted slow journey.

I also think it's way too convenient that the human picks just that moment to wake up. Like I get it that Daring Do must have woken him up on accident when she was messing with the console, but I think there's room to give us as readers some clues about what effect her actions are having, even if she as a citizen of a lower-tech world doesn't share that understanding. That could even help build more anticipation and a stronger sense of horror, because we would know both that trouble's brewing and that she doesn't see it coming. But once the dude is in the room, I want to see Action Horse take action.

I hate ranking this low because I think it's a fantastic and engrossing start (or maybe more like 2/3rds) of a story that I could really see enjoying. But right now it doesn't feel complete to me, and I feel like some of the best bits of its payoff still have yet to be presented. Without those, it's ultimately hard to judge the full meaning and impact of the story, even though a lot of good stuff is on offer.

Keep going, Author.

Tier: Needs Work

I'm thinking I might have to abstain from this one.

I'll be honest, I got bored halfway through and found it hard to keep reading, so I stopped. I'm not sure why I don't feel engaged, because it doesn't seem like the story is bad in terms of storytelling quality. I can't yet put my finger on my issue with it yet.

It will take me time to mull this one over and try to pinpoint my issues with it, and I don't have a plethora of time, and I'd like to get to other entries. I might return to this one later and look over it again, but yeah, I might have to abstain for the time being.

- -

Edit: I think maybe my issue with this story is that it's too rich for me.

Rich isn't a bad thing. In fact, some people like rich stories. I'm not one of those people. I don't have the GHz for it, so it's too much for me.

Another issue I might be having with this one is that I wasn't quite rooting for the main character and there wasn't a whole lot of tension. One reason for the lack of tension is that the timberwolf is taken down fairly swiftly without much effort on Zecora's part, and the same could be said about Zelabra, I think. I could see how the tension could come from the flashbacks, that she's treading on this Path that is so controversial among her village, but I feel like I'd have to root for the main character first (i.e., to care, bluntly put).

I also don't think fast and shallow is the solution to slow and rich. Again, people like rich, and I tend not to be one of those people. I guess I just wanted more of a feeling of investment, but the story felt distant to me, which I think is why it was boring to me.

It seems >>FrontSevens has said pretty much what I was thinking.

I agree with almost everything except for the jokes. I didn't really feel to be too repetitive, just a bit.

I'll just add that the last joke with Pinkie was too long. Once you mentionned her name, I already knew how it would end. In my opinion, the whole paragraph about why Pinkie has come back to the farm is useless and only delays the punchline.

Author, you should be a bit more creative than to just put in all capital letters to express intensity and expression. What you're doing right now is no better than an author who overuses ellipses as a cheap way to create suspense. Also, it's completely unnerving to scroll down the page and see an ALL CAPS WORD that catches your attention when you're busy reading an entirely different line, just like it probably did for you when you read this paragraph.

You've truly made a twist worth recognizing. You're a madman, you know that?

I don't know where to start, so I'll start by making observations.

The sentence structure is very chopped-up here, and it seems intentional. There are no capitalization flaws or punctuation flaws that I noticed, so it seems this is a somewhat skilled writer attempting to write somewhat broken English. There's also quite a bit of technical language, and I'd argue that's fairly dense. The thought process here is shown in what feels like stream-of-consciousness.

The result of that stuff, though, is that it just feels like a technical word waterfall. I found myself skimming as well, not retaining much except for a few words. I never really got a chance to feel oriented. I didn't know what was going on, frankly, just the gist of it. Twilight went to the kitchen and suggested breakfast to Spike.

I don't know what your intent was, here. If it was to confuse the reader, then it's set up very well to do that, I think. However, I judge stories based on entertainment value. I wasn't entertained, I wasn't invested, I didn't understand why Twilight was split in two like that... If the story moved slower, or if the splitting phenomenon was explained better (i.e. why is that happening?), or if the language wasn't so technical (the wording sounds emotionless. I could at least live with some more flavourful words to give me a clue as to what I should be feeling), it might have been more interesting to me.

I mean, it's great if you want to try something experimental, and all the power to ya, but I personally didn't enjoy reading this.

I'm with >>Kritten on this one.

The idea behind the story is excellent and the ending, as >>Novel_Idea said, is terrifying. The second half of the story that lead to this ending was really amazing as we learn more and more about the consequences of Cadence's actions.

However there is a problem with the first half and I think it's because of the pace. It seems you wanted to arrive as soon as possible at the moment with Cadence and Twilight but you still wrote two big scenes. The scenes felt weak and rushed. I'll try to explain why.

First, Cadence. We quickly understand that she has done something terrible to Equestria that needed her banishment. She is aware of her mistakes when she returns but we don't see her emotions before a long time.

She lay like this for a while, the return to her physical form finally giving her the opportunity to express the pain that had accumulated during her banishment.

When the tears ran dry and her memories no longer held her prisoner, the sunset cast the clouds above her in a pale red.

Even if this part is at the beginning, you just say 'Cadence suffers' and that's it. We don't have much else to really see her pain and her regrets. During her talk with Celestia, she also doesn't seem distraught while I was expecting her to be so. It's only when she mentions her family that we finally have a glimpse of her reaction.

Second, the point of the first two parts. I wonder if these parts have been late additions to reach to words count but it seems not, seeing it's a 4.000 words story. I understand that you probably wanted to give only a few informations about the state of Equestria. But because you don't give much, and because Cadence isn't really developped, these two scenes felt weaker than the rest of the story.

The best advice I could give is to rework the beginning. I agree once more with >>Novel_Idea, the first paragraph could be entirely cut off and you will have a stronger hook. Moreover, even if the story is from Cadence's POV, I think you should stick closer to her. Sometimes it seems like you were going away from her eyes and it didn't help to feel her pain and sadness.

“Thank you, Captain Paradox,” said Twilight dryly. “Let’s win by losing! Let me pull you close by pushing you away. Let’s have more Neighponese contradiction wisdom, and yet less of it!”

This is the best thing I've read in any one of the entries so far. Also, depending on your interpretation, Twilight may be coming on to Dashie.

Parts of this in the middle feel rushed. I know that we're dealing with Rainbow Dash here, but c'mon, stop and smell the roses a little bit. The shift from the relatively slow-moving introduction to the more fast-paced middle is abrupt, and it isn't helped by how long and overwritten some of those big-ass paragraphs are.

Unlike the esteemed >>TitaniumDragon, I didn't get the sense that this was written by someone whose first language isn't English (that may very well be the case, but if it is, then I didn't get that impression. The prose is pretty tight, for the most part. I think the awkwardness of some of these sentences can be better attributed to writing this thing in a rush, which I am sympathetic to.

Overall, it's a very well done character piece where the focus is squarely on two super best friends being super best friends. And in a great subversion, no one dies. Although I might have laughed had Dashie died and Twilight sighed and said "too bad there's no such thing as heaven."

How wonderful is it that the word "plot" is being used as a double entendre in a meta sense for once? Unless the thestralcorns really are worshiping Luna's ass, and not her sinister agenda, and I've just completely misread that joke.

Very well-paced comedy that plays around with both series lore and the English language itself to magnificent effect. First thing on my slate, first thing I read, and first thing to make me laugh my guts straight out of my nose. The musical numbers themselves make little sense (not that anything in this story really makes sense), but being thestral-themed rewrites of West Side Story's musical numbers is curiously appropriate, given the behavior and the whole ethos of the thestralcorn race. So we'll let it slide.

Bless this story, bless its author, and bless the noble Dark Lord Shadow Ashes. Now someone hook me up with a blunt'a phoenix dust. I heartell it's a hell of a drug.

Sorry author but I've stopped here.

Twilight proposes summarization of needs. Sparkle agrees, and will provide input to this summarization. Yes, Yes.

I would probably say it was a nice experiment with style but since I didn't finish it I can't.

I will abstain for this one.

Well, this was... frankly depressing. Bah. I hate depressing. Even when it's a pretty good story.

But I'm still confused as to what's going on. There's no talk of theories as to what happened. Why it's happening. Could Discord get involved? Where's Cadance in all of this? Who's handling the Moon? Why can Sunset handle the Sun? You mentioned that Rarity passed away. Did that happen out of grief? Or is this years and years down the road... and if that's the case, what's up with Sunset and Starlight? There are too many questions and potential other solutions to let it lie here.

I'm mixed on the ending. On one hand, I feel cheated for not finding out if their sacrifice actually meant anything. On the other hand, you can't have a first-person perspective consistently without not knowing the ending, at least not without changing to another perspective.

Now, I need to go read something happy.

>>Posh
Maybe I'm a terrible person but I really hope the "there's no such thing as heaven" line drop keeps being a recurring joke. :rainbowlaugh:

I didn't really mind the pacing change in the story, though I also am generally not as attuned to such things so that might be why. Overall I think this was a nice fluff piece, and I enjoyed reading it. That ending nearly fooled me. :twilightsheepish:

Edit- Forgot to mention, my favorite part of this story was your description of what a Rainboom actually is. The idea that it's actually the willpower of the flier physically manifested is pretty neat, and I haven't seen it before.

A well-balanced blend of romantic feels and comedy blacker than CoffeeDad's morning cuppa joe. What I'm saying is that Syeekoh probably wrote it.

In fact, if you changed the names of the characters, this could easily be a sequel to Solving For Death, which may have even been the intent. Hell, Octavia and Vinyl could just be placeholders for "Twilight and Starlight."

While I'm on board for the most part, the premise itself is dealt with in an altogether too quick-fashion. It's just casually mentioned in the middle of a conversation with Death (comically treating the fantastical as mundane is one of my favorite comedy tropes, by the by) that Vinyl played out the Orpheus/Eurydice myth to get Octavia out of horse-Hell, and that this is why she apparently cannot stop dying. And I was like... no, go back to that, explain that. That's a big deal; how did that happen?

You always need to strike a balance between exposition that the reader needs to hear, and information that the characters in the story wouldn't logically just recap to one another in casual conversation. In this case, dwelling on the circumstances behind this current situation might have been a good storytelling decision.

>>shinygiratinaz Watch, one day it's gonna be the premise of a Science Heaven origin story, where Twilight realizes that there's no afterlife and invents Science Heaven after suffering a nervous breakdown.

While stories about imperialism can be interesting, I'm not sure if My Little Pony is really the right vehicle for this story. It doesn't really seem to have much to do with Twilight Sparkle as a person, nor with Equestria as we know it from the show. If Twilight Sparkle and Equestria were replaced with OCs, it wouldn't make any real difference to the story.

I also have to say that this didn't really do much that I haven't seen before, which kind of robs it of any real feeling of uniqueness. It basically was the standard "imperialism is bad" stuff you see in a lot of stories about imperialism being bad.

A great many pixels have been spilled on art reviews and I'm late to that party, so instead I'm going to pause my story judging to offer brief @dog_rates style ratings on a severely underappreciated part of the art gallery:

The captions that come up when you hover your mouse on the pic.

@caption_rates
This caption takes no guff. It takes no prisoners. It takes no time to read. I haven't seen such little taking since the Element of Generosity. 11/10

@caption_rates
This caption was out shopping when the accident took place. It's still not back because it's making sure the cashier correctly doubles its 50-cents-off coupons. Good job keeping the cashiers honest! 8/10

@caption_rates
This caption put on green-and-black camouflage to keep from getting in the way of the picture. So considerate. 8/10

@caption_rates
Here we see the rare Boopsnoot Profundibobble in its usual self-reflective state. Would smoke weed and stare at the ceiling with again. 12/10

@caption_rates
This is the Berry Punch of captions, vanishing around the corner to drink while the Cutie Mark Crusaders set things on fire. She's supposed to be in rehab right now. We believe in you Berry. 8/10

@caption_rates
The punchline completes the picture like a pupper completes its doggo. 14/10

@caption_rates
Hover the mouse near the word "nah" in the picture and this becomes one of those Magic Eye posters. Hours of cross-eyed fun. 11/10

@caption_rates
In solidarity with the ghosts haunting this abandoned building, this caption learned how to become invisible. A tireless advocate for continuing education. 8/10

@caption_rates
When the artist had to go to pee, the caption volunteered to leave the screen and hold their brushes. Such selflessness brings a tear to my eye. 8/10

@caption_rates
This caption is credited as a stunt double for the Space Core's voice actor in Portal 2. My heart is beating so fast. It's going to "like" my comment and I'll forever remember that moment that someone famous noticed me. 13/10

@caption_rates
This caption has been taking lessons from Trixie in how to annoy reviewers by vanishing. So precocious, but it needs better role models. 8/10

@caption_rates
This caption knows that sometimes the best addition to beauty is silence. 8/10

Oh. So that's what "the stars will aid her escape" meant.

I sympathize with >>FrontSevens's criticism, although I don't agree with it entirely. The story isn't boring, at least to me. But it is difficult to follow and get invested in, especially since so little is given to the reader at first. I don't mind filling in blanks, but filling in blanks of that size and number, so early on, up until the end when things finally, finally, come into focus, doesn't make for an especially engaging experience (also, hey, it's Starswirl! Not that it matters, really, but... it's Starswirl. Yay?.

This actually gets better on a re-read, but the first time through is a slog.

I also feel like Zecora's rhyming was of inconsistent quality, which is... just one of the hazards of dealing with a whimsical rhyming zebra, I suppose.

Last point of criticism: I really don't appreciate the final scene, and I think it's entirely because Zecora's talking to an OC. Were it Celestia herself, or even Luna, it might have been easier to get invested in, but Celestia's sending, like, her accountant to thank Zecora for saving her sister from Moon Hell. It detracts from whatever potential emotional value the scene could have had, and when she gets overcome with emotion and starts cryhugging Zecora, I was, like... why? Why are you doing that? Who the hell are you? Celestia's janitor? Why are you getting so worked up over this?

I kinda want to write a (good-natured) parody of this, just so that I could have a scene at the end where Celestia sends Scruffy the Janitor to thank Zecora with a pat on the ass and a gift certificate for Hayburger Helper. And Zecora's annoyed by that, so she's like

"fuck this, I'm gonna prank the Elements with poison joke. Now to eat some eggs, mm mm mm, delicious yolk."

(I told you, rhyming zebras are difficult to write for)

@caption_rates
Artists, please stop submitting non-captions. We only rate captions, not Self-Deprecating Witticisms. 12/10

@caption_rates
This is a guide caption, dedicating its life to service of the blind by exactly describing its art. Its mama raised it right. 13/10

@caption_rates
Celestia! Stop smoking the caption! We haven't read it yet! 8/10

@caption_rates
This caption has stepped away to give me a hug — helping me through the trauma of coming up with a dozen different "the caption is missing" jokes and setting a positive example for its peers. 8/10

@caption_rates
No, Celestia! Nooooooo! You're a robot, why are you even smoking captions again? 8/10

@caption_rates
This caption wants to follow its papa into show business and take over from him as the "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure 'To Be Continued…' Caption" someday. rn it's just the most adorable child actor. 13/10

@caption_rates
Celestia, stop smoking our captions before I can rate them! You're not even a robot this time, you're an ashtray! But actually in hindsight that's super clever. 8/10 for caption, 11/10 for Celestia

@caption_rates
This caption is away at a college philosophy class rn, learning about epistemic refutations of nihilism so it can help the "Rise Of A Soldier" caption coax me out of my corner of despair. 8/10

@caption_rates
Cupdate, Day 367: Still stuck in the thought bubble. I wonder whether horizon has run out of missing-caption jokes yet. 8/10

@caption_rates
This caption has figured out how to work blue despite being written in black text. I don't understand its color-changing magic, I can only admire. 11/10

@caption_rates
I had to change my system font to Comic Sans so this cappy would match its drawggo. Now I can't change it back. 12/10, please send help

@caption_rates
This cappy fled its drawggo's barrage of downvote arrows. Come back, cappy! I'm starting a petition for the artist to turn the art upside down so it can return without fear. 8/10

@caption_rates
I think the caption is down on the ground but I can't see it from here. Lost my magnifying glass. I'm sure it's cute though. 8/10

@caption_rates
This is a Spotted Poefoot Monologue. Extinct in the wild since the 1840s, but a breeding program in poetry magazines has preserved the beauty of the species for future generations. 14/10

@caption_rates
We only rate captions, not 80s rock ballad lyrics. Even if I am tempted by the electronic beat and synth chords. 11/10

@caption_rates
This caption is the ultra-rare Bodhisattfloof, which has transcended its mere textual state to become one with the artwork, and yet remains on the rim of the incense burner to offer enlightenment to its mortal brethren. 15/10, would follow its religion.

I got a pretty good laugh out of this reading this the first time. When I read it aloud, the tedious and repetitive nature just couldn't let me go on without at least a smile. Though, now that I've read it again, I can say that it is, quite in fact, lacking of substance. The entire story is just Twilight getting breakfast. Shocking, I know. From my understanding, the story is only engaging if you enter it with the right expectations. If you don't, however, well you aren't going to have a fun time.

Do I fault it that much for it's lack of substance and inability to cater to a large crowd? Not harshly, as I still found my second read to be quite entertaining, even if more analytical the second time around. It's soul purpose was to entertain, and it did just that for me. Though, I do have to take at least some points off.

This was a nice twist on a fairly standard subject. The idea of Death passing on its mantle by dying is something I've seen before, but I liked the twists this put on it. The idea of Death not wanting to do his job the way previous Deaths did, and doing it in a new way, is a good one, and in particular this Death's choice of how to deal with death was interesting - as was Spike's motivation for seeking him out, despite this death's supposed mercy.

This story has a great hook and does an excellent job of drawing the reader into the story.

I do have to say that I agree that Spike's desire to die seems kind of weird, and I think it might be good to develop it a bit more. Likewise, I think understanding a bit better about Fluttershy's desire to die might help.

My biggest problem, however, is that the very end of this story feels a bit lackluster. The final two paragraphs aren't as strong as they could be.

I think Spike's note about the "insane Bearer" should go up before he fully gains the power, and then when the power flows into him, he should suddenly realize just what he's been asking for. Spike previously thought of it as him allowing people to die, but in actuality, he is basically choosing how people die. That's a huge moral difference, and I think you meant for it to be disturbing to him - but the story doesn't really do it justice. I think it should be clearer just how awful this really is, as it strikes me from the story that it isn't what Spike wants at all.

A second thing - this story seems to go into a lot about how awful suicide is, and it seems to me like Spike might be awfully tempted to make it so that you can't kill yourself, to prevent further tragedies like Fluttershy. While he might not have thought about that before - again, because before, to him, death was a natural thing - I suspect when he realizes that death is within his grasp, that he can arbitrarily define how people are allowed to die... I suspect that the temptation would be strong for him to try and prevent tragedy, just as the previous bearer of Death did by making suicide the only way out.

Thirdly, I don't think you really scored with the irony of Spike's realization that the only way for him to die now is to commit suicide. I think that's a neat idea, but I don't really feel like the ending did that justice, either. That his only way out now is precisely what he deeply hates is one of those deliciously terrible ironies that I think can twist people up nicely.

I think that this is a story with a very strong concept that doesn't stick the landing.

I'm quite the fan of black comedy, so I suppose it's not a surprise that I think this is very well done! It manages to be hilarious without devaluing the emotional struggle the couple is going through and the weight of Vinyl's decisions to depart or continue. I really respect an author that can write about dark topics without making them into only a joke, and I think you nailed that here. Kudos for the great story! :twilightsmile:

Unlike >>FrontSevens and >>Posh, I've been caught by the story since the beginning and I left with a strong feeling.

I have not very much to offer. It's always harder to say why I love a story than why I didn't like it. What I can offer though is repeating how I loved this story. I loved this story.

Maybe I could find something to say if read it once more but it's quite long and there are others to review.

It's a well deserved top contender.

>>Posh
I'll disagree harder on the ending. Having one of Celestia's servant makes the scene like the rest of the story: gently going forward, without relying on strong and emotionnal moments. Moreover, the use of an OC allows to use the name Raven (as the embodiement of an omen).

I enjoyed this. :>

Pretty much agreed with >>Novel_Idea. This was fun. I don't have much to offer here in terms of constructive criticism.

Good job well done AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA+