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Meaning
When the nothingness around Cadence ended, a sensation of falling and the pull of wind on her feathers and coat replaced it. It took her a few moments to relinquish the mantra she’d kept repeating to keep herself sane and deal with the situation at hand. Wings unfolded to either side of her body and caught her fall, setting her on a spiralling descent towards the ground.
The first breath she took carried the scent of summer. She held the breath. She accelerated her descent, and the world around her spinned. Her lungs burned. When she hit the ground her knees buckled, and the impact knocked the wind right from her.
Without trying to get up, she took another breath, the odor of the field of flowers she’d landed in almost choking her. The exhale came out in a strained wail. She tried to suppress it, but the anguish and shame was like a flood that fought its way from her core, through her windpipe and past her vocal chords. The dam was broken.
With the emotions came back the sounds: Ponies roaring in anger. Ponies screaming in pain. The breaking of bones. The crying of foals. Back came the images: Faces contorted in hatred. Ponies attacking their loved ones. The expression of panic and sadness in Twilight’s face as she had to banish the corrupted nightmare version of the Princess of Love.
She lay like this for a while, the return to her physical form finally giving her the opportunity to express the pain that had accumulated during her banishment.
When the tears ran dry and her memories no longer held her prisoner, the sunset cast the clouds above her in a pale red. She lifted her head and looked around, spotting the pinnacles of a familiar castle in the distance. She rose from the bed of flowers, a new resolve strengthening in her. She would not ask for forgiveness, but she had to face the ruler of Equestria nonetheless.
Night had settled when she reached her destination, but the city still bustled with life: Lit windows, full taverns, commotion on the streets. The sounds of laughter and toasting glasses emanated from below as she flew towards Canterlot castle. Cadance’s heart filled with relief as she witnessed the recovery Equestria had made after her attack and the spell she’d cast on its population.
She landed in the meticulously kept courtyard where the large fountain she’d always loved still ran and the greenery was in full bloom. She approached the guard that stood at the entrance to the palace. When she was close enough to see his face in the light of the wall light, she stopped and her jaw dropped.
“Star Sentinel, is that you?” She could not believe her eyes. He might have aged a decade or so, but there was no mistaking him. He’d been in the guards when she was still a filly, and he still was after her banishment! She’d lost her sense of time in the shapeless void. It had felt like an eternity, but Twilight had been merciful after all.
“Princess Cadence.” He bowed. “Yes, that’s me. It is good to see you.” He smiled, but it seemed mechanical; the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
Cadence’s heart dropped. Of course, ponies were resenting her. She herself was. Regaining ponies’ trust would take a long time.
“I’m sure the Princess Celestia will want to talk to you.” He beckoned her to follow him.
She fell into pace a few steps behind him, and they went up staircases and through corridors that didn’t seem to have changed one bit. She wanted to ask him how he’d been, how things had developed since she’d been gone; she’d be so happy to have someone to talk to after all this time. After that smile though, she kept her silence, and Star Sentinel seemed content to keep his.
When they arrived at the entrance to Celestia’s chambers, he turned to face her. “The Princess will be on the west balcony.” He bowed, then left without another word.
Cadance took a deep breath, then knocked.
“Enter.”
She pushed the door open. Celestia’s chambers were as she remembered them: Roomy and luxurious, but without pomp. The large bed with its numerous pillows was deserted. The door to the west balcony stood open, an almost completely translucent curtain billowing in the archway. Moonlight cast the shape of Celestia into relief; she had not turned around.
Cadance took a few steps forward, and she saw first Celestia’s ears, then her whole body twitch. Celestia turned her head just barely enough to look into the room. “Cadence.” Her tone betrayed no emotion, but the eschewal of using her royal title surely was a good sign.
“Princess Celestia. I…” Celestia still hadn’t turned around to face her. All she did was glance at her from an angle. Cadence dropped to her knees. “I am so sorry for what I’ve done. I have reflected on my actions during my banishment, and my regret is endless. I cannot forgive myself, so I cannot ask you to, but I hope you will accept my return and let me contribute to the wellbeing of Equestria as part of my atonement.”
Celestia waited for her to finish, but had still not turned. Cadance averted her gaze and waited for a reaction. Through the silence, the wind carried up sounds from the bustling city. Then, hoofsteps. The curtain seemed to whisper as it scraped over the stone tiles.
“Your actions have cost pony lives.”
Cadence looked up. Celestia stood right in front of her, looking down. There was no anger in her face. No sadness. Nothing. Cadence looked down again. The information hurt, but was no news to her.
“I cannot forget, but there is no capacity in me to hold a grudge. The wellbeing of Equestria. There is… no.” A sudden chattering made Cadence look up at Celestia, but it vanished just as quickly. “No. You may be of use. You will seek out Twilight Sparkle tomorrow. She will fill you in and assign you a task.”
Celestia turned towards the balcony again, apparently dismissing Cadence.
“P-Princess Celestia? May we talk? Please, I’ve been alone for so long.”
Celestia stopped, but did not even bother to turn around this time. “Talk.”
“How is my daughter? Is she well? What about Shining Armor?” Cadance tried her best not to sound whiny, but the cold reception had hurt her. She was anxious and on the edge of tears.
“They are both with Twilight in Ponyville. I am sure you will see them tomorrow.”
A sob escaped her, but a smile of relief followed. “Oh thank—” She hiccuped. “Celestia.” She tried to laugh, but it still sounded like sobbing. She blinked away a few tears and looked up into Celestia’s direction again, only to find her face inches from her’s.
Cadence gasped and recoiled. Celestia still showed no pity, no sympathy. Her face was like a mask.
“Yes, you may contribute to the wellbeing of Equestria, yet,” Celestia said.
Cadence needed a few breaths until she’d recovered from her scare, but she still had more questions to ask. “What happened after my banishment, Celestia? I fear…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I fear my spell was very specific to my magic. How did you dispel it?”
“Yes, the emotional inversal spell you cast claimed a lot of lives before we found a solution. Foals torn apart by their parents. Lovers stabbing or battering each other. My most devoted guards chased me, and I personally had to—”
“Please!” Cadence wailed, a new series of sobs shaking her. “Please stop.” When she’d regained control over her breathing again, she said: “Please, just the solution for now.”
“Twilight tried Friendship magic, but that didn’t work. We barricaded ourselves in the Royal Library and worked for days. Luna found a spell in one of Star Swirl’s old notebooks, but it was unfinished. Twilight finished it. We tested it on a few guards that were besieging us at the time, and it worked. Combining our magical power, we managed to increase the area of effect to encompass all of Equestria.”
She went silent. Cadence waited a few moments before speaking up. “And Equestria returned to normal?”
Celestia twitched at the last word. “Yes, normal. Well…” Her right front leg started shaking very slightly, but it grew stronger as she continued talking. “There were some side effects. Ponies… struggled with… “ Her words came in pressured bursts, as though having to break through a barrier. “with… meaning.”
She crossed her front legs, trying to stop the shaking in her right one with the left. She opened her mouth as though the say more, but no words came out.
“Meaning?” Cadence asked.
Celestia shook her head. “Please ask no more. The shaking will not stop unless I stop thinking about these things. Twilight is much better at this. She has Smarty Pants. She will tell you everything.”
“Bu—”
“Go now.” The shaking in Celestia’s leg had stopped, and she turned around towards the balcony again. “You can use the guest chamber. I presume you still know where it is.”
Cadence knew better than to press her luck after such a clear dismissal. She bade Celestia good night and set out towards the guest chamber. There was clearly something wrong with the ruler of Equestria, and it was her fault. Surely, the thing Twilight was working on was a remedy for it, and knowing Flurry Heart and Shining Armor were helping her gave her hope. She pushed the gnawing jealousy the thought of these three sticking together evoked back. Twilight never tried to steal them, it had always been just her imagination. She was sure of it.
She found her chamber without meeting another soul, and crept into bed immediately. A whirlwind of thoughts kept her up, and while her banishment had not known sleep, she was sure sleep would gift her nightmares tonight. When the dust her mind had finally settled, there was still something that felt jarring. When she realized what it was, it sent a jolt of unease through her that would yet keep her up for a small eternity, before exhaustion finally claimed her: A warm breeze still wafted up from the city below the castle grounds and billowed the curtains of her opened window, but the night had turned deadly silent.
Cadence was roused from a dreamless slumber by a high-pitched chirping. She opened her eyes to the first sunrays of the day creeping over the edge of the hills in the distance. A blackbird sat on her window sill.
“Well hello there, little guy,” she said. The blackbird cocked its head sideways. When she sat up though, it flew away. She stretched, then got up; although she still felt beat, the need to see her daughter and husband again was stronger than her fatigue. She launched herself straight from the castle window and commenced her flight to Ponyville.
The city beneath her was showing little signs of activity this early, but the smell of freshly baked pastries wafted up and made her regret the decision to start without breakfast. There would still be time to make up for it when she arrived in Ponyville, though.
The flight passed quickly, and just as Cadence was past the first few houses of the town and wanted to head straight to Twilight’s castle, she spotted the purple alicorn in a street not far off. She went into a dive and landed right next to her.
Twilight’s head snapped around. Cadence braced herself; she’d been unbelievably foolish. Twilight surely still thought she was mad and wanted to attack her. If she stroke first, she would be no match for her. She shrank back, raising both her front hooves: “Wait! I’m not going to attack you.”
“You’re not?” The words sounded blank.
Cadence looked up. There was no surprise in Twilight’s face. No fear. No anger.
“No, I’m… “ She took a few moments to find the right words. “I regret what I have done, and I realize it was wrong. My emotions blinded me, and made me commit terrible crimes. I… I hope I’ll be able to regain some of your trust eventually. Celestia said you were working on something, and I might be able to help.”
Twilight nodded. “Yes, you might.”
Cadence hesitated for a moment, waiting for another comment. None came. She continued: “Celestia said Flurry and Shining were with you, is it true?”
Twilight nodded again. “They’re at the castle. I will lead you to them, but I have to go to Sugarcube Corner to have breakfast first. I’m already more than a minute behind schedule.”
A pang of annoyance ran through Cadence. Who was she to deny her seeing her child and husband right away? Then again, Twilight had always been odd about her schedules, and she was hungry herself. “I’m going to accompany you.”
Twilight set off without another word, forcing Cadence to catch up with her. Ponyville was as busy as Cadence had always known it. Several people nodded at Twi and her, and some even raised their hooves in greeting. Twilight didn’t seem to pay them the slightest bit of attention.
“So…” Cadence was hurt by the cold reception. She was sure she deserved it, but she was determined to break the ice… somehow. “Are you meeting friends there, or why are you so worried about running late?”
“No,” Twilight said. “It’s just good to have a routine. It bypasses meaning.”
Again that word Celestia had such trouble talking about. Cadence thought better than to try and tackle the topic directly. “Celestia seems unwell. Meaning is giving her trouble, too.”
“Did she look sick?” Twilight looked at Cadence. She might’ve just as well looked at a checklist, though.
“No,” Cadence answered.
“That’s good. Means she’s eating.” Twilight had directed her gaze at street in front of her again.
“Did she stop at some time?” Cadence asked perplexed.
“You know alicorns can’t starve,” Twilight said with finality.
Cadence wanted to say something beginning the with the word ‘But…’, but they reached their destination before she could. Twilight pushed the door to Sugarcube Corner open and went straight to one of the tables.
“Sorry I’m late, Pinkie.” Twilight said.
“No problem,” a voice chirped from the kitchens.
“Muffin okay?” Twilight asked Cadence as she sat down on the other side of the table.
“Sure,” Cadence said. Now that Twilight was sitting right across her, she noticed she had what looked like a grey ball of wool tucked under her wing. Also, she’d put some kind of crystal shard on the table that showed some sort of fluctuating text.
“Two muffins please, Pinkie,” Twilight said, looking at the crystal shard.
“Oki Doki Loki! Wait, two?” Pinkie Pie’s faced poked around the corner from the kitchens. “Cadence!”
In two leaps, Pinkie Pie was across the room and hugging her. Cadence was so overwhelmed, she barely managed to squeeze her back. “You’re back! You know what that means, right? A party!” Pinkie conjured a pile of confetti from who-knew-where and showered her in it.
Cadence couldn’t help but laugh. She did not feel treated unfairly by Celestia’s or Twilight’s icy receptions, but that made her feel no less grateful for this.
“I mean, it’s been centuries, no eons, no forever since we had a party!” Pinkie said. She still had both her forelegs raised above her head. Her gaze wandered to Twilight. “Oh, muffins. Right.” She turned and pronked back to the kitchen.
Still smiling, Cadence turned back to Twilight, only to realize that she’d leaned across the table and was uncomfortably close to her. “Did that make you feel happy?” Twilight asked.
“Y-yes, I think so,” Cadence said.
“Good.” Twilight sat back down and tapped onto the crystal shard lying on the table.
“What… what is this?” Cadence asked.
“Something like a notebook, just without real paper and ink,” Twilight said. “We’ve… well, I’ve made several technical advances in your absence. Mainly to deal with the repercussions of your lapse of reason.”
Cadence twitched as another jolt of annoyance coursed through her. She was right of course, but she might’ve put it less bluntly. Her eyes fell onto the gray ball of wool under Twilight’s wing again, but before she could ask more questions, their muffins arrived, and with them came another Pinkie assault.
“So how was banishment and all? Was it dark and cold, or dark and comfy, or dark and cold-comfy or comfy-cold?”
“Uhh, there was just no temperature, so… comfy, I guess?” Cadence chuckled apologetically.
“You know I’ve always wondered, because that one time when I was catering for an official event in Canterlot castle, I mixed up the hazelnuts with chickpeas, and when Celestia had a bite she looked me straight in the face and her brow furrowed and all and I was like ‘whoa, I’m a goner now’, but in the end she was just like ‘oh, curious taste, quite curious,’ but that other time, I…”
Pinkie did not seem to need a conversational partner but for the occasional ‘hm’ and ‘hmhm’, so both Twilight and Cadence finished their muffins without another word exchanging between them.
“But then he was like ‘yeah, totally’, and I was like ‘nu-uh!’, and he was like ‘yeah, totally’, and I was like ‘nu-uh!’, and he was like ‘yeah, totally’, and I was like ‘nu-uh!’, and he was like ‘yeah, totally’, and I was like ‘nu-uh!’, and…”
“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight cut her off. “Go back to the kitchen, I’ll help you later.”
“Oki doki!” Pinkie seemed unfazed by the rude interruption. “Bye Cadence, see you around!” With that, she went back to the kitchen.
“Sorry,” Twilight addressed Cadence. “That happens sometimes.”
“What do you mean?” Cadence asked.
“The loops. Nevermind, let’s go back to the castle now.”
When they’d left Sugarcube Corner, Cadence’s patience was up. “Look, Twilight, if you want me to help I need to know more. Celestia said ponies struggled with meaning, and that it was a side effect of the spell you cast. I don’t really know what it means, though.”
“You are right, you should probably know. The Star Swirl spell we used was experimental, so it was a risk. It did what we thought it would, though: It got rid of the hatred your spell had generated from the love ponies felt. It wiped much more though. It’s hard to pinpoint, really. Ever tried to define something in pony psyche that’s gone missing from the whole population at the same time? Tricky.
“What I gathered is mostly from literature from before the incident. There has been no literature since, of course. There are also remnants of what went missing, but they are unpleasant. Here.” Twilight stopped in her tracks in the middle of the street, lifted one of her wings slightly, and levitated the gray ball of wool towards Cadence.
Cadence took the ball. It had lost most of its original shape, but she remembered the two buttons that were sewn to it. “Is… is that Smarty Pants?” She looked up at Twilight, then leaped back in fright.
Twilight’s eyes had swollen and tears streamed down her face. She was clearly crying, yet her expression was as neutral as before. There was something deeply disturbing about the sight. “You see it, right?” she asked. “It’s rather uncomfortable. Smarty Pants makes it go away. I have no idea why.”
Cadence gave back the doll. She let her gaze wander to the other ponies on the street. None of them seemed to even notice the crying Princess in their midst.
“Thank you. You see, when whatever it was went missing, ponies stopped going out, going to work. They stopped mating, and eventually stopped eating. When we asked them why, they always asked back: 'What for?' That’s why we call it meaning. Flurry Heart has lost it a long time ago by the way.”
Without another moment of hesitation, Cadence turned on her heels and dashed for the castle.
“She’s in the throne room,” Twilight shouted after her.
Cadence stormed through the unlocked castle doors and up the stairs into the throne room. The crystals in the room were glowing in a faint purple that barely lit the room. At the other side by one of the windows, she saw a pony figure. She lit her horn to have a better look, and let out a wail of surprise and grief.
Flurry Heart was but a skeleton, her thin skin almost translucent to the shine of Cadence’s horn. She’d lost all of her coat and mane, and her aqua eyes were sunken and cloudy, but open. Cadence went up to her.
“Flurry, it’s me. Mommy.” Cadence raised a hoof to her daughter’s chin and stroked it. Her eyes did not move. She did not even breathe. Cadence wanted to shake her, but she looked so fragile. “Mommy is here, please wake up sweetheart, please wake up.”
“Luna is the same. We didn’t find a way to wake her up, either.”
Cadence turned to her as Twilight entered the room. She tapped on her crystal sheet and the room lit up, then sat down on her throne, not looking up still not looking up from the thing.
“Is she even alive?” Cadence asked.
“Alicorns cannot die a natural death, so I don’t know what else she could be. Please, do try and wake her, but I’ve tried along with Shining for years and years.”
“Shining… where is he?”
“Just here.” Twilight pointed.
Cadence followed her outstretched arm, and gasped. “Not him, too!” She ran towards him. He looked unchanged, but lifeless, just staring into the room without recognizing her.
“Oh, no no. He’s just turned off.” Twilight said, not taking her eyes off her crystal sheet as she spoke.
“Turned… off?” Cadence’s mind creaked like clockwork someone had just thrown a wrench in.
“ I thought I might rouse Flurry with a face she was supposed to be attached to, but he’s just a replica. Shining Armor was a normal pony. A unicorn, yes, but not immortal. How would he survive losing meaning?”
“What do you mean… survive. How long has this loss of meaning been going on?” Cadence had only eyes for Twilight now, her comprehension still broken to pieces.
Twilight looked up from the sheet of crystal. “We spent seven days in the library until we found the spell. Another two until we managed to cast it. That makes…” Twilight bit her lip in concentration. “364991 days. Oh no, I forgot leap years. Well, it works as an estimate.”
Twilight examined Cadence’s face. “Is that horror? Matches the description at least. Very interesting.” She went back to tapping on the crystal sheet. “I’m sorry Cadence, I didn’t really have a say in the matter. The thousand years are part of the spell, I couldn’t change that variable.”
“But… the ponies. I knew the ponies.” Cadence pleaded.
“Of course you did,” Twilight said. “The replicas populating Equestria are copies of the last generation, but ponykind has actually been extinct for more than 980 years now. They’re pretty convincing, aren’t they? I told you I’ve made huge advances. They’re still missing that thing, though. You know, the thing we lost. You’re the only one not affected by the spell, that’s why your help could be so valuable.”
She looked up again. “You can choose which project to start on. We can try to find a spell for us alicorns, including Flurry Heart. Reactivating meaning for her and Luna would boost our productivity a lot. Alternatively, we can start with the replicas. We could start with reworking Pinkie Pie to teach you a few things. You’ve seen her code is a mess, she’s hitting infinite loops every other day. I also need help with the Love and Friendship submodules.”
Twilight waited a few seconds, then added: “That look… please don’t tell me you just lost meaning. I could really use your help here, you know.”
The first breath she took carried the scent of summer. She held the breath. She accelerated her descent, and the world around her spinned. Her lungs burned. When she hit the ground her knees buckled, and the impact knocked the wind right from her.
Without trying to get up, she took another breath, the odor of the field of flowers she’d landed in almost choking her. The exhale came out in a strained wail. She tried to suppress it, but the anguish and shame was like a flood that fought its way from her core, through her windpipe and past her vocal chords. The dam was broken.
With the emotions came back the sounds: Ponies roaring in anger. Ponies screaming in pain. The breaking of bones. The crying of foals. Back came the images: Faces contorted in hatred. Ponies attacking their loved ones. The expression of panic and sadness in Twilight’s face as she had to banish the corrupted nightmare version of the Princess of Love.
She lay like this for a while, the return to her physical form finally giving her the opportunity to express the pain that had accumulated during her banishment.
When the tears ran dry and her memories no longer held her prisoner, the sunset cast the clouds above her in a pale red. She lifted her head and looked around, spotting the pinnacles of a familiar castle in the distance. She rose from the bed of flowers, a new resolve strengthening in her. She would not ask for forgiveness, but she had to face the ruler of Equestria nonetheless.
Night had settled when she reached her destination, but the city still bustled with life: Lit windows, full taverns, commotion on the streets. The sounds of laughter and toasting glasses emanated from below as she flew towards Canterlot castle. Cadance’s heart filled with relief as she witnessed the recovery Equestria had made after her attack and the spell she’d cast on its population.
She landed in the meticulously kept courtyard where the large fountain she’d always loved still ran and the greenery was in full bloom. She approached the guard that stood at the entrance to the palace. When she was close enough to see his face in the light of the wall light, she stopped and her jaw dropped.
“Star Sentinel, is that you?” She could not believe her eyes. He might have aged a decade or so, but there was no mistaking him. He’d been in the guards when she was still a filly, and he still was after her banishment! She’d lost her sense of time in the shapeless void. It had felt like an eternity, but Twilight had been merciful after all.
“Princess Cadence.” He bowed. “Yes, that’s me. It is good to see you.” He smiled, but it seemed mechanical; the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
Cadence’s heart dropped. Of course, ponies were resenting her. She herself was. Regaining ponies’ trust would take a long time.
“I’m sure the Princess Celestia will want to talk to you.” He beckoned her to follow him.
She fell into pace a few steps behind him, and they went up staircases and through corridors that didn’t seem to have changed one bit. She wanted to ask him how he’d been, how things had developed since she’d been gone; she’d be so happy to have someone to talk to after all this time. After that smile though, she kept her silence, and Star Sentinel seemed content to keep his.
When they arrived at the entrance to Celestia’s chambers, he turned to face her. “The Princess will be on the west balcony.” He bowed, then left without another word.
Cadance took a deep breath, then knocked.
“Enter.”
She pushed the door open. Celestia’s chambers were as she remembered them: Roomy and luxurious, but without pomp. The large bed with its numerous pillows was deserted. The door to the west balcony stood open, an almost completely translucent curtain billowing in the archway. Moonlight cast the shape of Celestia into relief; she had not turned around.
Cadance took a few steps forward, and she saw first Celestia’s ears, then her whole body twitch. Celestia turned her head just barely enough to look into the room. “Cadence.” Her tone betrayed no emotion, but the eschewal of using her royal title surely was a good sign.
“Princess Celestia. I…” Celestia still hadn’t turned around to face her. All she did was glance at her from an angle. Cadence dropped to her knees. “I am so sorry for what I’ve done. I have reflected on my actions during my banishment, and my regret is endless. I cannot forgive myself, so I cannot ask you to, but I hope you will accept my return and let me contribute to the wellbeing of Equestria as part of my atonement.”
Celestia waited for her to finish, but had still not turned. Cadance averted her gaze and waited for a reaction. Through the silence, the wind carried up sounds from the bustling city. Then, hoofsteps. The curtain seemed to whisper as it scraped over the stone tiles.
“Your actions have cost pony lives.”
Cadence looked up. Celestia stood right in front of her, looking down. There was no anger in her face. No sadness. Nothing. Cadence looked down again. The information hurt, but was no news to her.
“I cannot forget, but there is no capacity in me to hold a grudge. The wellbeing of Equestria. There is… no.” A sudden chattering made Cadence look up at Celestia, but it vanished just as quickly. “No. You may be of use. You will seek out Twilight Sparkle tomorrow. She will fill you in and assign you a task.”
Celestia turned towards the balcony again, apparently dismissing Cadence.
“P-Princess Celestia? May we talk? Please, I’ve been alone for so long.”
Celestia stopped, but did not even bother to turn around this time. “Talk.”
“How is my daughter? Is she well? What about Shining Armor?” Cadance tried her best not to sound whiny, but the cold reception had hurt her. She was anxious and on the edge of tears.
“They are both with Twilight in Ponyville. I am sure you will see them tomorrow.”
A sob escaped her, but a smile of relief followed. “Oh thank—” She hiccuped. “Celestia.” She tried to laugh, but it still sounded like sobbing. She blinked away a few tears and looked up into Celestia’s direction again, only to find her face inches from her’s.
Cadence gasped and recoiled. Celestia still showed no pity, no sympathy. Her face was like a mask.
“Yes, you may contribute to the wellbeing of Equestria, yet,” Celestia said.
Cadence needed a few breaths until she’d recovered from her scare, but she still had more questions to ask. “What happened after my banishment, Celestia? I fear…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I fear my spell was very specific to my magic. How did you dispel it?”
“Yes, the emotional inversal spell you cast claimed a lot of lives before we found a solution. Foals torn apart by their parents. Lovers stabbing or battering each other. My most devoted guards chased me, and I personally had to—”
“Please!” Cadence wailed, a new series of sobs shaking her. “Please stop.” When she’d regained control over her breathing again, she said: “Please, just the solution for now.”
“Twilight tried Friendship magic, but that didn’t work. We barricaded ourselves in the Royal Library and worked for days. Luna found a spell in one of Star Swirl’s old notebooks, but it was unfinished. Twilight finished it. We tested it on a few guards that were besieging us at the time, and it worked. Combining our magical power, we managed to increase the area of effect to encompass all of Equestria.”
She went silent. Cadence waited a few moments before speaking up. “And Equestria returned to normal?”
Celestia twitched at the last word. “Yes, normal. Well…” Her right front leg started shaking very slightly, but it grew stronger as she continued talking. “There were some side effects. Ponies… struggled with… “ Her words came in pressured bursts, as though having to break through a barrier. “with… meaning.”
She crossed her front legs, trying to stop the shaking in her right one with the left. She opened her mouth as though the say more, but no words came out.
“Meaning?” Cadence asked.
Celestia shook her head. “Please ask no more. The shaking will not stop unless I stop thinking about these things. Twilight is much better at this. She has Smarty Pants. She will tell you everything.”
“Bu—”
“Go now.” The shaking in Celestia’s leg had stopped, and she turned around towards the balcony again. “You can use the guest chamber. I presume you still know where it is.”
Cadence knew better than to press her luck after such a clear dismissal. She bade Celestia good night and set out towards the guest chamber. There was clearly something wrong with the ruler of Equestria, and it was her fault. Surely, the thing Twilight was working on was a remedy for it, and knowing Flurry Heart and Shining Armor were helping her gave her hope. She pushed the gnawing jealousy the thought of these three sticking together evoked back. Twilight never tried to steal them, it had always been just her imagination. She was sure of it.
She found her chamber without meeting another soul, and crept into bed immediately. A whirlwind of thoughts kept her up, and while her banishment had not known sleep, she was sure sleep would gift her nightmares tonight. When the dust her mind had finally settled, there was still something that felt jarring. When she realized what it was, it sent a jolt of unease through her that would yet keep her up for a small eternity, before exhaustion finally claimed her: A warm breeze still wafted up from the city below the castle grounds and billowed the curtains of her opened window, but the night had turned deadly silent.
Cadence was roused from a dreamless slumber by a high-pitched chirping. She opened her eyes to the first sunrays of the day creeping over the edge of the hills in the distance. A blackbird sat on her window sill.
“Well hello there, little guy,” she said. The blackbird cocked its head sideways. When she sat up though, it flew away. She stretched, then got up; although she still felt beat, the need to see her daughter and husband again was stronger than her fatigue. She launched herself straight from the castle window and commenced her flight to Ponyville.
The city beneath her was showing little signs of activity this early, but the smell of freshly baked pastries wafted up and made her regret the decision to start without breakfast. There would still be time to make up for it when she arrived in Ponyville, though.
The flight passed quickly, and just as Cadence was past the first few houses of the town and wanted to head straight to Twilight’s castle, she spotted the purple alicorn in a street not far off. She went into a dive and landed right next to her.
Twilight’s head snapped around. Cadence braced herself; she’d been unbelievably foolish. Twilight surely still thought she was mad and wanted to attack her. If she stroke first, she would be no match for her. She shrank back, raising both her front hooves: “Wait! I’m not going to attack you.”
“You’re not?” The words sounded blank.
Cadence looked up. There was no surprise in Twilight’s face. No fear. No anger.
“No, I’m… “ She took a few moments to find the right words. “I regret what I have done, and I realize it was wrong. My emotions blinded me, and made me commit terrible crimes. I… I hope I’ll be able to regain some of your trust eventually. Celestia said you were working on something, and I might be able to help.”
Twilight nodded. “Yes, you might.”
Cadence hesitated for a moment, waiting for another comment. None came. She continued: “Celestia said Flurry and Shining were with you, is it true?”
Twilight nodded again. “They’re at the castle. I will lead you to them, but I have to go to Sugarcube Corner to have breakfast first. I’m already more than a minute behind schedule.”
A pang of annoyance ran through Cadence. Who was she to deny her seeing her child and husband right away? Then again, Twilight had always been odd about her schedules, and she was hungry herself. “I’m going to accompany you.”
Twilight set off without another word, forcing Cadence to catch up with her. Ponyville was as busy as Cadence had always known it. Several people nodded at Twi and her, and some even raised their hooves in greeting. Twilight didn’t seem to pay them the slightest bit of attention.
“So…” Cadence was hurt by the cold reception. She was sure she deserved it, but she was determined to break the ice… somehow. “Are you meeting friends there, or why are you so worried about running late?”
“No,” Twilight said. “It’s just good to have a routine. It bypasses meaning.”
Again that word Celestia had such trouble talking about. Cadence thought better than to try and tackle the topic directly. “Celestia seems unwell. Meaning is giving her trouble, too.”
“Did she look sick?” Twilight looked at Cadence. She might’ve just as well looked at a checklist, though.
“No,” Cadence answered.
“That’s good. Means she’s eating.” Twilight had directed her gaze at street in front of her again.
“Did she stop at some time?” Cadence asked perplexed.
“You know alicorns can’t starve,” Twilight said with finality.
Cadence wanted to say something beginning the with the word ‘But…’, but they reached their destination before she could. Twilight pushed the door to Sugarcube Corner open and went straight to one of the tables.
“Sorry I’m late, Pinkie.” Twilight said.
“No problem,” a voice chirped from the kitchens.
“Muffin okay?” Twilight asked Cadence as she sat down on the other side of the table.
“Sure,” Cadence said. Now that Twilight was sitting right across her, she noticed she had what looked like a grey ball of wool tucked under her wing. Also, she’d put some kind of crystal shard on the table that showed some sort of fluctuating text.
“Two muffins please, Pinkie,” Twilight said, looking at the crystal shard.
“Oki Doki Loki! Wait, two?” Pinkie Pie’s faced poked around the corner from the kitchens. “Cadence!”
In two leaps, Pinkie Pie was across the room and hugging her. Cadence was so overwhelmed, she barely managed to squeeze her back. “You’re back! You know what that means, right? A party!” Pinkie conjured a pile of confetti from who-knew-where and showered her in it.
Cadence couldn’t help but laugh. She did not feel treated unfairly by Celestia’s or Twilight’s icy receptions, but that made her feel no less grateful for this.
“I mean, it’s been centuries, no eons, no forever since we had a party!” Pinkie said. She still had both her forelegs raised above her head. Her gaze wandered to Twilight. “Oh, muffins. Right.” She turned and pronked back to the kitchen.
Still smiling, Cadence turned back to Twilight, only to realize that she’d leaned across the table and was uncomfortably close to her. “Did that make you feel happy?” Twilight asked.
“Y-yes, I think so,” Cadence said.
“Good.” Twilight sat back down and tapped onto the crystal shard lying on the table.
“What… what is this?” Cadence asked.
“Something like a notebook, just without real paper and ink,” Twilight said. “We’ve… well, I’ve made several technical advances in your absence. Mainly to deal with the repercussions of your lapse of reason.”
Cadence twitched as another jolt of annoyance coursed through her. She was right of course, but she might’ve put it less bluntly. Her eyes fell onto the gray ball of wool under Twilight’s wing again, but before she could ask more questions, their muffins arrived, and with them came another Pinkie assault.
“So how was banishment and all? Was it dark and cold, or dark and comfy, or dark and cold-comfy or comfy-cold?”
“Uhh, there was just no temperature, so… comfy, I guess?” Cadence chuckled apologetically.
“You know I’ve always wondered, because that one time when I was catering for an official event in Canterlot castle, I mixed up the hazelnuts with chickpeas, and when Celestia had a bite she looked me straight in the face and her brow furrowed and all and I was like ‘whoa, I’m a goner now’, but in the end she was just like ‘oh, curious taste, quite curious,’ but that other time, I…”
Pinkie did not seem to need a conversational partner but for the occasional ‘hm’ and ‘hmhm’, so both Twilight and Cadence finished their muffins without another word exchanging between them.
“But then he was like ‘yeah, totally’, and I was like ‘nu-uh!’, and he was like ‘yeah, totally’, and I was like ‘nu-uh!’, and he was like ‘yeah, totally’, and I was like ‘nu-uh!’, and he was like ‘yeah, totally’, and I was like ‘nu-uh!’, and…”
“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight cut her off. “Go back to the kitchen, I’ll help you later.”
“Oki doki!” Pinkie seemed unfazed by the rude interruption. “Bye Cadence, see you around!” With that, she went back to the kitchen.
“Sorry,” Twilight addressed Cadence. “That happens sometimes.”
“What do you mean?” Cadence asked.
“The loops. Nevermind, let’s go back to the castle now.”
When they’d left Sugarcube Corner, Cadence’s patience was up. “Look, Twilight, if you want me to help I need to know more. Celestia said ponies struggled with meaning, and that it was a side effect of the spell you cast. I don’t really know what it means, though.”
“You are right, you should probably know. The Star Swirl spell we used was experimental, so it was a risk. It did what we thought it would, though: It got rid of the hatred your spell had generated from the love ponies felt. It wiped much more though. It’s hard to pinpoint, really. Ever tried to define something in pony psyche that’s gone missing from the whole population at the same time? Tricky.
“What I gathered is mostly from literature from before the incident. There has been no literature since, of course. There are also remnants of what went missing, but they are unpleasant. Here.” Twilight stopped in her tracks in the middle of the street, lifted one of her wings slightly, and levitated the gray ball of wool towards Cadence.
Cadence took the ball. It had lost most of its original shape, but she remembered the two buttons that were sewn to it. “Is… is that Smarty Pants?” She looked up at Twilight, then leaped back in fright.
Twilight’s eyes had swollen and tears streamed down her face. She was clearly crying, yet her expression was as neutral as before. There was something deeply disturbing about the sight. “You see it, right?” she asked. “It’s rather uncomfortable. Smarty Pants makes it go away. I have no idea why.”
Cadence gave back the doll. She let her gaze wander to the other ponies on the street. None of them seemed to even notice the crying Princess in their midst.
“Thank you. You see, when whatever it was went missing, ponies stopped going out, going to work. They stopped mating, and eventually stopped eating. When we asked them why, they always asked back: 'What for?' That’s why we call it meaning. Flurry Heart has lost it a long time ago by the way.”
Without another moment of hesitation, Cadence turned on her heels and dashed for the castle.
“She’s in the throne room,” Twilight shouted after her.
Cadence stormed through the unlocked castle doors and up the stairs into the throne room. The crystals in the room were glowing in a faint purple that barely lit the room. At the other side by one of the windows, she saw a pony figure. She lit her horn to have a better look, and let out a wail of surprise and grief.
Flurry Heart was but a skeleton, her thin skin almost translucent to the shine of Cadence’s horn. She’d lost all of her coat and mane, and her aqua eyes were sunken and cloudy, but open. Cadence went up to her.
“Flurry, it’s me. Mommy.” Cadence raised a hoof to her daughter’s chin and stroked it. Her eyes did not move. She did not even breathe. Cadence wanted to shake her, but she looked so fragile. “Mommy is here, please wake up sweetheart, please wake up.”
“Luna is the same. We didn’t find a way to wake her up, either.”
Cadence turned to her as Twilight entered the room. She tapped on her crystal sheet and the room lit up, then sat down on her throne, not looking up still not looking up from the thing.
“Is she even alive?” Cadence asked.
“Alicorns cannot die a natural death, so I don’t know what else she could be. Please, do try and wake her, but I’ve tried along with Shining for years and years.”
“Shining… where is he?”
“Just here.” Twilight pointed.
Cadence followed her outstretched arm, and gasped. “Not him, too!” She ran towards him. He looked unchanged, but lifeless, just staring into the room without recognizing her.
“Oh, no no. He’s just turned off.” Twilight said, not taking her eyes off her crystal sheet as she spoke.
“Turned… off?” Cadence’s mind creaked like clockwork someone had just thrown a wrench in.
“ I thought I might rouse Flurry with a face she was supposed to be attached to, but he’s just a replica. Shining Armor was a normal pony. A unicorn, yes, but not immortal. How would he survive losing meaning?”
“What do you mean… survive. How long has this loss of meaning been going on?” Cadence had only eyes for Twilight now, her comprehension still broken to pieces.
Twilight looked up from the sheet of crystal. “We spent seven days in the library until we found the spell. Another two until we managed to cast it. That makes…” Twilight bit her lip in concentration. “364991 days. Oh no, I forgot leap years. Well, it works as an estimate.”
Twilight examined Cadence’s face. “Is that horror? Matches the description at least. Very interesting.” She went back to tapping on the crystal sheet. “I’m sorry Cadence, I didn’t really have a say in the matter. The thousand years are part of the spell, I couldn’t change that variable.”
“But… the ponies. I knew the ponies.” Cadence pleaded.
“Of course you did,” Twilight said. “The replicas populating Equestria are copies of the last generation, but ponykind has actually been extinct for more than 980 years now. They’re pretty convincing, aren’t they? I told you I’ve made huge advances. They’re still missing that thing, though. You know, the thing we lost. You’re the only one not affected by the spell, that’s why your help could be so valuable.”
She looked up again. “You can choose which project to start on. We can try to find a spell for us alicorns, including Flurry Heart. Reactivating meaning for her and Luna would boost our productivity a lot. Alternatively, we can start with the replicas. We could start with reworking Pinkie Pie to teach you a few things. You’ve seen her code is a mess, she’s hitting infinite loops every other day. I also need help with the Love and Friendship submodules.”
Twilight waited a few seconds, then added: “That look… please don’t tell me you just lost meaning. I could really use your help here, you know.”
Pics
The beginning of this story felt… too thick, I guess is the best explanation. Especially considering that this is an action scene, the sentences are simply too long. In fact, I’m not even sure the first paragraph is needed, because the second has the appropriate feeling of an action scene. And the further I get in… it almost seems as if it was done by another author entirely.
And now that I’ve actually finished it… well… that was bucking terrifying. And horrifying. And… a lot of other things. You did quite well with the pacing. I had no idea what was going on until the very end. And now I’ll likely have nightmares about this damn thing for days… Cadance murdered the world, huh? Didn’t see that one coming.
At least Luna could come back… but I guess something like love isn’t quite so easy to fix as a freaking celestial body.
Not my cup of tea, but very well written.
And now that I’ve actually finished it… well… that was bucking terrifying. And horrifying. And… a lot of other things. You did quite well with the pacing. I had no idea what was going on until the very end. And now I’ll likely have nightmares about this damn thing for days… Cadance murdered the world, huh? Didn’t see that one coming.
At least Luna could come back… but I guess something like love isn’t quite so easy to fix as a freaking celestial body.
Not my cup of tea, but very well written.
Overall a really good concept but hindered by poor pacing. If you have a really good concept for the story, you shouldn't force your audience to read through things that can be summarized with a quick sentence or two, or better yet, not at all. The entire beginning part could've been skipped, alongside a couple events here and there. But when the story begins stomping onto the good parts, oh it really gets a-thumpin'. However, for me, at least, those good parts are only within that second half.
I'm with >>Kritten on this one.
The idea behind the story is excellent and the ending, as >>Novel_Idea said, is terrifying. The second half of the story that lead to this ending was really amazing as we learn more and more about the consequences of Cadence's actions.
However there is a problem with the first half and I think it's because of the pace. It seems you wanted to arrive as soon as possible at the moment with Cadence and Twilight but you still wrote two big scenes. The scenes felt weak and rushed. I'll try to explain why.
First, Cadence. We quickly understand that she has done something terrible to Equestria that needed her banishment. She is aware of her mistakes when she returns but we don't see her emotions before a long time.
Even if this part is at the beginning, you just say 'Cadence suffers' and that's it. We don't have much else to really see her pain and her regrets. During her talk with Celestia, she also doesn't seem distraught while I was expecting her to be so. It's only when she mentions her family that we finally have a glimpse of her reaction.
Second, the point of the first two parts. I wonder if these parts have been late additions to reach to words count but it seems not, seeing it's a 4.000 words story. I understand that you probably wanted to give only a few informations about the state of Equestria. But because you don't give much, and because Cadence isn't really developped, these two scenes felt weaker than the rest of the story.
The best advice I could give is to rework the beginning. I agree once more with >>Novel_Idea, the first paragraph could be entirely cut off and you will have a stronger hook. Moreover, even if the story is from Cadence's POV, I think you should stick closer to her. Sometimes it seems like you were going away from her eyes and it didn't help to feel her pain and sadness.
The idea behind the story is excellent and the ending, as >>Novel_Idea said, is terrifying. The second half of the story that lead to this ending was really amazing as we learn more and more about the consequences of Cadence's actions.
However there is a problem with the first half and I think it's because of the pace. It seems you wanted to arrive as soon as possible at the moment with Cadence and Twilight but you still wrote two big scenes. The scenes felt weak and rushed. I'll try to explain why.
First, Cadence. We quickly understand that she has done something terrible to Equestria that needed her banishment. She is aware of her mistakes when she returns but we don't see her emotions before a long time.
She lay like this for a while, the return to her physical form finally giving her the opportunity to express the pain that had accumulated during her banishment.
When the tears ran dry and her memories no longer held her prisoner, the sunset cast the clouds above her in a pale red.
Even if this part is at the beginning, you just say 'Cadence suffers' and that's it. We don't have much else to really see her pain and her regrets. During her talk with Celestia, she also doesn't seem distraught while I was expecting her to be so. It's only when she mentions her family that we finally have a glimpse of her reaction.
Second, the point of the first two parts. I wonder if these parts have been late additions to reach to words count but it seems not, seeing it's a 4.000 words story. I understand that you probably wanted to give only a few informations about the state of Equestria. But because you don't give much, and because Cadence isn't really developped, these two scenes felt weaker than the rest of the story.
The best advice I could give is to rework the beginning. I agree once more with >>Novel_Idea, the first paragraph could be entirely cut off and you will have a stronger hook. Moreover, even if the story is from Cadence's POV, I think you should stick closer to her. Sometimes it seems like you were going away from her eyes and it didn't help to feel her pain and sadness.
Others have gone into detail about the structural and pacing problems facing this story, and I feel I have little to add to that. Instead, I'll mention that Cadance's dialogue feels unusually stilted and unemotional, which is a hindrance for a story whose major twist is that everyone is either a robot or an emotionless depressive.
It's also very unclear what, precisely, happened to drive Celly to banish Cadance. What she did is apparent. Why she did it... I don't really grasp that. Nor do I fully understand the significance of Smarty Pants.
Good concept, mostly good execution, but it wades through murky waters and doesn't really come together. Although I dig the last couple paragraphs.
It's also very unclear what, precisely, happened to drive Celly to banish Cadance. What she did is apparent. Why she did it... I don't really grasp that. Nor do I fully understand the significance of Smarty Pants.
Good concept, mostly good execution, but it wades through murky waters and doesn't really come together. Although I dig the last couple paragraphs.
I'm a long time fan of "When Princesses Go Bad," so seeing the aftermath of Her Royal Pinkness going off the deep end is a great treat. Twilight and company's solution appears to have been giving the entire nation a malignant case of depression, which is a delightfully horrible, if accidental, solution to the problem.
When I first read this, I wasn't impressed by the start, but it won me over as it proceeded, and the impact of the final scene by itself vaulted this into Top Contender territory. Yes, the pacing at the start is slow, but on a re-read, I'm not sure there's anything I would actually change. The structure here is all about setting up the house of cards so everything can collapse at once.
The core premise pulls one of the most terrifying implications out of pinkhorse's powers that I've read in my time in the fandom, and the execution sells it. Author, if you're not in the RCL yet, go get this published on FIMFiction ASAP so I can nominate it.
Nitpicks:
She's woken up by a bird in the morning, but the night is deathly silent? Where are the night animals?
I think the word "good" treads a little too close to the line of Meaning here. You probably want something more objective and analytical. (And it's worth doing a close read on the story to make sure that ponies' language syncs with your premise throughout.)
Consider editing this: "There has been no meaning in literature since, of course." I'd think that in their attempts to restore meaning that would be among the primary experiments she'd conduct: attempting to replicate things with meaning in.
:V
These are both telly descriptions -- which by itself aren't necessarily problems, but they're being used to accentuate dialogue that doesn't really benefit from the explanations. In a section of the story that needs to be punchy, these belabor the point.
Just wanted to call this out as a fantastic line. The ending, in general, closes outrageously strong.
Between this, Putri Jaran, Twilight's Rainboom, and Ars Vivendi, I've been juggling around the top of my slate a fair bit. My re-read is only increasing my opinion of the story, and I'm gonna listen to that and let this one elbow its way into first.
Tier: Top Contender
The core premise pulls one of the most terrifying implications out of pinkhorse's powers that I've read in my time in the fandom, and the execution sells it. Author, if you're not in the RCL yet, go get this published on FIMFiction ASAP so I can nominate it.
Nitpicks:
She's woken up by a bird in the morning, but the night is deathly silent? Where are the night animals?
“That’s good. Means she’s eating.”
I think the word "good" treads a little too close to the line of Meaning here. You probably want something more objective and analytical. (And it's worth doing a close read on the story to make sure that ponies' language syncs with your premise throughout.)
There has been no literature since, of course.
Consider editing this: "There has been no meaning in literature since, of course." I'd think that in their attempts to restore meaning that would be among the primary experiments she'd conduct: attempting to replicate things with meaning in.
Cadence turned on her heels
:V
“Turned… off?” Cadence’s mind creaked like clockwork someone had just thrown a wrench in.
“What do you mean… survive. How long has this loss of meaning been going on?” Cadence had only eyes for Twilight now, her comprehension still broken to pieces.
These are both telly descriptions -- which by itself aren't necessarily problems, but they're being used to accentuate dialogue that doesn't really benefit from the explanations. In a section of the story that needs to be punchy, these belabor the point.
Twilight examined Cadence’s face. “Is that horror? Matches the description at least. Very interesting.”
Just wanted to call this out as a fantastic line. The ending, in general, closes outrageously strong.
Between this, Putri Jaran, Twilight's Rainboom, and Ars Vivendi, I've been juggling around the top of my slate a fair bit. My re-read is only increasing my opinion of the story, and I'm gonna listen to that and let this one elbow its way into first.
Tier: Top Contender
Genre: Everything is fine... wait... OhSHI---
Thoughts: Okay, now this is some hard-hitting horror up in here. I totally buy the Nightmare Cadance aftermath thing and all of the little bits of hints of backstory that we get about it. I love the thing with her mantra, and how she feels when she feels again. I also love the Pinkie stuff and the moment with Smarty. That's friggin gold. Even the opening bit with Celestia and the guard were perfect in the way that they established a sense of not-quite-normalcy.
Dat reveal, though. Chilling.
So actually I feel like the reveal could be a lot stronger if we got the part about synthetics right at the end. Right now it's close to the end but i mean let's get that right as the very last thing before Twilight's closing question. I feel like that would keep the horror going at maximum tension, whereas right now it pulls back just a tiny bit by explaining the amount of time that's passed and trying to recruit her to help with Luna and Flurry.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Okay, now this is some hard-hitting horror up in here. I totally buy the Nightmare Cadance aftermath thing and all of the little bits of hints of backstory that we get about it. I love the thing with her mantra, and how she feels when she feels again. I also love the Pinkie stuff and the moment with Smarty. That's friggin gold. Even the opening bit with Celestia and the guard were perfect in the way that they established a sense of not-quite-normalcy.
Dat reveal, though. Chilling.
So actually I feel like the reveal could be a lot stronger if we got the part about synthetics right at the end. Right now it's close to the end but i mean let's get that right as the very last thing before Twilight's closing question. I feel like that would keep the horror going at maximum tension, whereas right now it pulls back just a tiny bit by explaining the amount of time that's passed and trying to recruit her to help with Luna and Flurry.
Tier: Top Contender
I feel like such a sourpuss, but I kinda fall on the side of this didn't do it for me. At a base level, it's kinda because I spent most of the story waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I think reduces the impact of it actually happening for me. The swerve wasn't really enough of a swerve for me, as it were, so I was bracing for the horrible the whole time.
I also run into a bit of a logistical issue in that it feels... wrong for Twilight to have forgotten what emotions are, if that makes? I mean, of course, it is difficult to imagine having no emotions at all (or lacking them for a thousand years), but her reactions just don't quite click right with me.
I also run into a bit of a logistical issue in that it feels... wrong for Twilight to have forgotten what emotions are, if that makes? I mean, of course, it is difficult to imagine having no emotions at all (or lacking them for a thousand years), but her reactions just don't quite click right with me.
>>Novel_Idea >>Kritten >>Fenton >>Posh >>Rao >>horizon >>Cold in Gardez >>CoffeeMinion
Thank you for all of your input. I really only managed to wrap my head around the idea Saturday evening, and wrote it down in one big top-to-bottom chunk on Sunday. Considering this, I'm quite happy how it turned out, but I apologize for any nightmares my story may have caused.
Novel_Idea:
The thing is that it doesn't start out as an action scene... at least that was my intent. Cadence got dropped into reality and is being accelerated towards the ground by gravity, but she's so far in her head that she fails to take action for a bit, before her instincts kick in. I'll try to rework the beginning to make that clearer. Your observations about my writing may very well stem from me being a bit rusty and just getting back into the groove of things as I was writing. Like I said, it was one big 11 hour sitting I wrote this in, and I went for an instant editing pass, but those usually don't yield much improvement... having a week or so between writing and editing yields the best results in my experience.
Kritten:
I could be snarky about this and say that everything can be summarized in a quick sentence or two, but I get where you're coming from. Since this is a very strange story in that it lacks a real plot or character development though, I feel that it needs the setup to turn the concept into a blow. Otherwise I could just as well write the summary and be done with it. "Cadence cast a spell that turned love into hate, Twilight cured it by accidentally getting rid of all emotions, ponykind went extinct and Equestria is now populated by robots." /story
Even in stories that have plot and character arcs, there are passages that don't directly contribute to either. In e.g. LotR, one of the most memorable bits and mystical passages for me was the part in the Old Forest and Tom Bombadil. They cut that one in the films completely, because, like I said, they don't contribute to the main meat of the story.
In this day and age, most things are streamlined to perform a certain task, and people don't move unless they have a destination. This translates into fiction as well, but I don't think it necessarily should.
I'm sorry it didn't work for you, but I don't think I'll be changing a whole lot of the pacing.
Fenton:
That's valuable feedback, and I see the weakness, too. I'll try to up the quality of the prose and, like you said, make it closer to Cadence's POV to remedy that. I have a very easy time writing first person, but in third limited, I still struggle a lot to stick to a certain character proximity in POV, and it shows in this entry.
Posh:
I tried to have her more formal since the last time she's met Celestia and Twilight, they were in all-out confrontation. I think it would feel unnatural to go back to chummy dialogue, and not being overtly emotional is also a way of being polite in my eyes. I'll have a lookout and re-asses line for line during editing, though.
Yeah, I dropped a hint but didn't really expand enough to have enough information in the story to let readers guess. My head-canon was that Twilight had taken in Flurry as a student, which meant moving to Ponyville, spending less time with her mother, and also having someone else to look up to. Shining Armor could've started spending more time with Twilight as well, the brother-sister bond gaining more importance as the marriage with Cadence grew older. In short, emotional attachment turning love into hate through jealousy. Maybe I can work this in more clearly.
As for Smarty Pants, I just wanted the image of a filly starting to cry without her plush toy to contrast it against the emotional numbness. Just like with Celestia, it was also to show that, while they don't feel it consciously, their bodies still express signs of distress.
Rao: Thank you for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
horizon: Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm really glad the story and the slow setup worked so well for you... really gives me the confidence to stick to the pacing.
Yeah, I mostly turned the night deathly silent to imply that the autmatons populating the city shut off all at once instead of petering out, that's why I mentioned the bustling city a few times before. The bird was just something I came up with on the spot and went with without giving it thorough thought. I guess I'll scratch it during editing.
Also, thank you for all the other nitpicks, they'll come in very handy.
(BTW, I don't have a story in the RCL yet, but Horse Voice recommended one of my stories a few weeks back. I don't know how quick your process is, but you might want to hold back on judging it then and see which, if any, of the stories is worthy.)
Cold in Gardez:
Thank you for your well-meant critique. I was aware I was pulling a bit of an M. Night Shyamalan move with this story. I had planned for Cadence to come from her banishment un-reformed first, and trying to unleash revenge with her emotion-based magic once more, only to find it utterly ineffective, and developing her from there to where she's at the end of the story.
I decided against it though: A) because I didn't know if I could pull it off in the time frame I had for writing, and B) because I didn't know if I could pull if off convincingly at all. It would've meant Cadence trying to do a whole lot of things to no effect, and I'd have to address the changed nature of the pony population much earlier or find ways to distract from it, compared to if she'd come back trying to fit back in. I think that's the idiot ball issues horizon spoke of in his answer to your review.
I'm not saying it cannot be done, though. Just probably not by me.
CoffeeMinion: Thank you for mentioning all the things you liked about it. Although critical feedback is good to improve, feedback such as your's is also very valuable so I know what not to cut! :)
I definitely see the merit in that. I'll try rework the last scene a bit to move it further back!
AndrewRogue:
I see what you mean, I found that "the thing we've lost" business a bit grating, too, when I re-read it the next day. I'll have to think of a way to hide that a bit, but I still think having her address "meaning" as the thing that was worst losing is important. She and Celestia struggle with it, but they've found a way to deal with the loss of emotions.
Additional Thanks to Cassius: I don't think I'd been able to come up with this concept if it weren't for the Automating Friendship artwork. I've really loved this "prompt begets art begets stories" experiment, and hope it'll become a regular thing.
Thank you for all of your input. I really only managed to wrap my head around the idea Saturday evening, and wrote it down in one big top-to-bottom chunk on Sunday. Considering this, I'm quite happy how it turned out, but I apologize for any nightmares my story may have caused.
Novel_Idea:
The beginning of this story felt… too thick, I guess is the best explanation. Especially considering that this is an action scene, the sentences are simply too long. In fact, I’m not even sure the first paragraph is needed, because the second has the appropriate feeling of an action scene. And the further I get in… it almost seems as if it was done by another author entirely.
The thing is that it doesn't start out as an action scene... at least that was my intent. Cadence got dropped into reality and is being accelerated towards the ground by gravity, but she's so far in her head that she fails to take action for a bit, before her instincts kick in. I'll try to rework the beginning to make that clearer. Your observations about my writing may very well stem from me being a bit rusty and just getting back into the groove of things as I was writing. Like I said, it was one big 11 hour sitting I wrote this in, and I went for an instant editing pass, but those usually don't yield much improvement... having a week or so between writing and editing yields the best results in my experience.
Kritten:
If you have a really good concept for the story, you shouldn't force your audience to read through things that can be summarized with a quick sentence or two, or better yet, not at all. The entire beginning part could've been skipped, alongside a couple events here and there.
I could be snarky about this and say that everything can be summarized in a quick sentence or two, but I get where you're coming from. Since this is a very strange story in that it lacks a real plot or character development though, I feel that it needs the setup to turn the concept into a blow. Otherwise I could just as well write the summary and be done with it. "Cadence cast a spell that turned love into hate, Twilight cured it by accidentally getting rid of all emotions, ponykind went extinct and Equestria is now populated by robots." /story
Even in stories that have plot and character arcs, there are passages that don't directly contribute to either. In e.g. LotR, one of the most memorable bits and mystical passages for me was the part in the Old Forest and Tom Bombadil. They cut that one in the films completely, because, like I said, they don't contribute to the main meat of the story.
In this day and age, most things are streamlined to perform a certain task, and people don't move unless they have a destination. This translates into fiction as well, but I don't think it necessarily should.
I'm sorry it didn't work for you, but I don't think I'll be changing a whole lot of the pacing.
Fenton:
It seems you wanted to arrive as soon as possible at the moment with Cadence and Twilight but you still wrote two big scenes. The scenes felt weak and rushed. [...] Moreover, even if the story is from Cadence's POV, I think you should stick closer to her. Sometimes it seems like you were going away from her eyes and it didn't help to feel her pain and sadness.
That's valuable feedback, and I see the weakness, too. I'll try to up the quality of the prose and, like you said, make it closer to Cadence's POV to remedy that. I have a very easy time writing first person, but in third limited, I still struggle a lot to stick to a certain character proximity in POV, and it shows in this entry.
Posh:
I'll mention that Cadance's dialogue feels unusually stilted and unemotional [...]
I tried to have her more formal since the last time she's met Celestia and Twilight, they were in all-out confrontation. I think it would feel unnatural to go back to chummy dialogue, and not being overtly emotional is also a way of being polite in my eyes. I'll have a lookout and re-asses line for line during editing, though.
What she did is apparent. Why she did it... I don't really grasp that. Nor do I fully understand the significance of Smarty Pants.
Yeah, I dropped a hint but didn't really expand enough to have enough information in the story to let readers guess. My head-canon was that Twilight had taken in Flurry as a student, which meant moving to Ponyville, spending less time with her mother, and also having someone else to look up to. Shining Armor could've started spending more time with Twilight as well, the brother-sister bond gaining more importance as the marriage with Cadence grew older. In short, emotional attachment turning love into hate through jealousy. Maybe I can work this in more clearly.
As for Smarty Pants, I just wanted the image of a filly starting to cry without her plush toy to contrast it against the emotional numbness. Just like with Celestia, it was also to show that, while they don't feel it consciously, their bodies still express signs of distress.
Rao: Thank you for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
horizon: Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm really glad the story and the slow setup worked so well for you... really gives me the confidence to stick to the pacing.
She's woken up by a bird in the morning, but the night is deathly silent? Where are the night animals?
Yeah, I mostly turned the night deathly silent to imply that the autmatons populating the city shut off all at once instead of petering out, that's why I mentioned the bustling city a few times before. The bird was just something I came up with on the spot and went with without giving it thorough thought. I guess I'll scratch it during editing.
Also, thank you for all the other nitpicks, they'll come in very handy.
(BTW, I don't have a story in the RCL yet, but Horse Voice recommended one of my stories a few weeks back. I don't know how quick your process is, but you might want to hold back on judging it then and see which, if any, of the stories is worthy.)
Cold in Gardez:
Thank you for your well-meant critique. I was aware I was pulling a bit of an M. Night Shyamalan move with this story. I had planned for Cadence to come from her banishment un-reformed first, and trying to unleash revenge with her emotion-based magic once more, only to find it utterly ineffective, and developing her from there to where she's at the end of the story.
I decided against it though: A) because I didn't know if I could pull it off in the time frame I had for writing, and B) because I didn't know if I could pull if off convincingly at all. It would've meant Cadence trying to do a whole lot of things to no effect, and I'd have to address the changed nature of the pony population much earlier or find ways to distract from it, compared to if she'd come back trying to fit back in. I think that's the idiot ball issues horizon spoke of in his answer to your review.
I'm not saying it cannot be done, though. Just probably not by me.
CoffeeMinion: Thank you for mentioning all the things you liked about it. Although critical feedback is good to improve, feedback such as your's is also very valuable so I know what not to cut! :)
So actually I feel like the reveal could be a lot stronger if we got the part about synthetics right at the end.
I definitely see the merit in that. I'll try rework the last scene a bit to move it further back!
AndrewRogue:
I also run into a bit of a logistical issue in that it feels... wrong for Twilight to have forgotten what emotions are, if that makes? I mean, of course, it is difficult to imagine having no emotions at all (or lacking them for a thousand years), but her reactions just don't quite click right with me
I see what you mean, I found that "the thing we've lost" business a bit grating, too, when I re-read it the next day. I'll have to think of a way to hide that a bit, but I still think having her address "meaning" as the thing that was worst losing is important. She and Celestia struggle with it, but they've found a way to deal with the loss of emotions.
Additional Thanks to Cassius: I don't think I'd been able to come up with this concept if it weren't for the Automating Friendship artwork. I've really loved this "prompt begets art begets stories" experiment, and hope it'll become a regular thing.
>>wYvern
What I've come to find when it comes to detailing worldbuilding in just about every medium of art, whether it be in writing, video games, or art, is that worldbuilding is only entertaining for those who want to look for it. You see games like Fallout where to get a good grasp of life before the bombs--that is before Fallout 4--in it's brilliant placement of props and the such to give short stories as to people's lives before encountering their fate. You'd have to explore and actively think about what you want people to find. Minor things could also be inserted with dialogue, like I did with my story, noted in the comments, where it has to be read and actually dissected in order to be fully understood. Being told the life before the setting is never interesting for me, as it stalls from the actual story from the beginning. This is especially when I have to sit in front of blocks of words. But if you find it necessary, then I won't be capable of stopping you.
What I've come to find when it comes to detailing worldbuilding in just about every medium of art, whether it be in writing, video games, or art, is that worldbuilding is only entertaining for those who want to look for it. You see games like Fallout where to get a good grasp of life before the bombs--that is before Fallout 4--in it's brilliant placement of props and the such to give short stories as to people's lives before encountering their fate. You'd have to explore and actively think about what you want people to find. Minor things could also be inserted with dialogue, like I did with my story, noted in the comments, where it has to be read and actually dissected in order to be fully understood. Being told the life before the setting is never interesting for me, as it stalls from the actual story from the beginning. This is especially when I have to sit in front of blocks of words. But if you find it necessary, then I won't be capable of stopping you.