Alternate Title: Remember the Wolf Round 2: Remember Harder

If there's a genre that has an even harder time doing well in minific rounds than comedy, it's horror.

Take this entry, for instance. This could've been a cool King-esque supernatural story with a personal side to it, but as is we're not given a reason to care for Casey's well-being. Mind you, the protagonist of a horror story doesn't have to be likable, but I simply found myself indifferent to her fate.

I feel like we're supposed to concentrate more on the prose, which itself is actually quite nice. But I can't say this is one of the best-written entries this round, because I'm looking for both style and economy of words, and this story suffers from having much of the prose describe things that don't need space dedicated to them.

The result is that some individually great passages are bogged down by superfluous details that surround them or lead up to them. Take the ending for example; the last line of this story is pretty good, even great arguably, but there was too much white noise leading up to it to make me feel much of anything.

For me it's not polish that this entry could use, necessarily, but a change in focus. Casey is a very bland protagonist, so telling the story from her perspective doesn't do it any favors.

The opening sentence doesn't help either. I had to look up where Roseview Park even was, if it exists (it does), so it's not a setting that carries any significance for me. When the author asks, "So what if there was a coyote in Roseview Park?" I reply with, "Yeah, so what?" Maybe it's because I'm not from that area.

This is definitely a middle-of-the-road pick on my slate. There's not much hugely wrong with it, but there's not much hugely right either.

Alternate Title: Fuck the British 3-D

This was actually one of the first entries I read for this round, though it's one of the last I'm reviewing. Something about the title just caught my eyes, those few days ago. I really enjoyed this one the first go-around.

On a second reading, however, the cracks in the armor are very much present.

I'm going to agree with everyone else here and say I'd be shocked if the authors of this and "Purple Days" weren't the same person. Same style of humor, basically, similar subject matter, similar framing device, and also a similar lack of polish.

Now obviously I can't accuse anyone of copying someone else's work, so my best guess is that the author wrote both stories back-to-back without taking the time to really polish either. That's why they seem like sister entries.

It's weird, then, that I much prefer this over "Purple Days," if only because its jokes totally work for me. I get that it's one big "British people have bad teeth" joke, but some of the lines just make me giggle. My personal favorite is: "As you can plainly see, Paul speaks as if he has shit in his mouth." It's such a mean and unexpected saying, considering this is a professor speaking.

I also find the idea of a war between the US and Britain over dentistry to be even funnier than linguistics, but that's pretty damn subjective. The defense and pitfall of comedy is that it is really subjective, though.

I think, for instance, that Clue is a really funny movie, but a lot of critics seem to disagree with that sentiment.

For what it's worth, author, this is probably my favorite comedy for this round.

Alternate Title: The Dwarf's Apprentice

Something really weird happened to me upon reading this: I realized I had read this before, a few days ago, and I had totally forgotten about it.

That sounds pretty damning, but I'm not even sure what the fatal flaw of this entry is. It's written fine, I guess; I couldn't find any glaring grammatical errors in my second reading. I can tell these characters apart just by how they talk, so that's cool. Granted, these could easily be humans and not dwarfs, but I'll leave that up to word constraints.

But there's just not much to work with here. Tavo is implied to be "too pure by half," in that he's too nice and submissive to be a good dwarf, whatever that means. But he's so... boring. He doesn't have much going on, aside from this very archetypal relationship with his boss, who by the way is a very mean fellow.

Maybe that's what makes Kavarn a "good" dwarf, though I'm going off of how dwarfs are written in Lord of the Rings and not so much how this story actually portrays them.

I'm more on the side of old man Mono than the others, because I don't feel like there's a larger story here that isn't being told; it just feels like something that could happen on any given day, with no real importance attached to it.

I guess the big problem, the one that killed it for me, is that I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel. How am I supposed to feel about this, author? Don't tell me, obviously, but give me some tonal clues, some context, some story, something that'll get me emotionally attached to what's happening.

Most minifics tend to be emotionally stunted, due to the format, but this is a particularly strong case.

Alternate Title: This ain't it either, yo.

Alternate Title: Network 2: The Second Part

You know, with the right framing I'd really like this as a tragic character piece. There's a story here about a once-decent man who was corrupted by the savage world of TV business.

Donny, mean as he is, is a well-written character, in that I'm going to distinctly remember him when looking back on all these entries; he's certainly one of the more interesting protagonists of this round. Paunch also functions well as a foil to him, someone who could easily be a downtrodden housewife (even though I'm not sure why he sticks around).

The problem is that what would make Donny a tragic character is outright told to us toward the end in a mini-exposition dump. It's a very clumsy (lol) way of trying to tie the characters and supposed theme of the story together, and it just feels rushed.

Part of me wonders why this isn't something like Netflix or Buzzfeed, which are only gaining relevance in today's world as traditional TV networks are losing their grip, but then that would become pretty dated, wouldn't it? Better to keep things abstract so that the central idea isn't damaged by dated baggage.

I guess what holds this entry back is how it presents its theme, in that it doesn't do a very thorough job. It took me a while, despite what the title implied, to get what was going on. Not because I was confused but because the story waits until the last few paragraphs to reveal itself, and in a clunky way at that.

It does does have some of the best dialogue this round, for a story that relies so heavily on dialogue, and I'll argue with anyone who says otherwise. You've got me at your defense in that regard, author.

Alternate Title: Every Western RPG Ever

I have some mixed feelings about this entry.

As a comedy I don't think it quite pulls through. There are a few chuckle-worthy lines, and the premise is one that anyone who's played something like Skyrim or The Witcher will be happy to see riffed on, but it lacks teeth. The riffing is very gentle, for both better and worse; it never really shows its hand, which is nice, but it also fails to say anything refreshing or biting about something that has already been ragged on by many.

Silver is a very archetypal retail clerk, the kind of person we either all know or have been ourselves at some point. This makes her relatable, even though her personality is limited to the situation at hand.

The swordsman himself is also quite charming, if only because of how meat-headed he is. It's a shame he doesn't act more like how an actual player in a Western RPG would act (that is to say, callous and amoral to a solipsistic degree). Of course he wants to buy health potions with the money he'd get from the sword, because that's what anyone with common sense would do in this type of game.

Then again, this is supposed to be like if a Western RPG player interacted with a merchant who was an actual person and not an NPC. There's something about gamer morality in there, but as I've said there's pretty much no bite to it.

Despite the somewhat gruesome imagery of the ending (not exactly funny, but it makes sense), this is probably the gentlest comedy I've encountered this round, in that there's this weird lack of malice to it. It's like if Yahtzee Crowshaw's Mogworld wasn't nearly as spiteful towards gamers and game creators.

Can't say I dislike it, but as a comedy I can't really recommend it.

Bottom slated for thinking white hair would at all stand out in Berkeley.

Okay. I'm kinda stuck on this one. I am going to let all the generalized suspension of disbelief stuff roll because, I think, functionally, the only reason any of that really bothers me is I'm thinking rather hard about the story. In the moment it hung okay.

The problem that I'm trying to grapple with is not so much the message of the story, but rather how it is delivered. Like, the comparison just... doesn't really hang correctly? I mean, even setting aside that some people WOULD take that answer, there is a bit of difference between being temporarily emotionally put out by events in your life and having severe impediments to actually living that life that "No, you" fails to adequately address.

Like, it crosses into really dangerous territory to discuss concepts of quality of life and what have you, but there is something to be said for the fact that April herself... doesn't really seem to be particularly satisfied with her own life? Which then makes it even harder to buy into the (as presented) questionable argument of "this is me and I don't need to be fixed." Like, if you want to sell that as the story's core concept.

I dunno. This is hard for me. The important thing to hang onto though is that my core complaint is not necessarily the message, but that the the message is delivered, at least I feel, inadequately. I don't buy it. There are people who maybe do not need to be/should not need to be "cured." On the other hand, there are people who do "need" or do want to be. And I think you fail to sell her on being either of the former.

Everything else here is fine (though I do think you'd benefit from being deeper in April's perspective to better sell her views), but I do think this particular hurdle is a big one.

Thanks for writing!

One of the few stories I've read so far that shows a story, rather than telling it. I guess for that reason I appreciated it more than the other reviewers who have left comments. An interesting, genre-defying piece. I imagine it will rank highly on my prelim ballot.

While i concur with Cassius that this is one of the better entries so far, I'm not so sold on the ending. We're told earlier that he can't understand the words on the cover, which I took as an outright statement that the boy was illiterate. As such, the final line had almost no impact for me. I would even say it had negative impact -- it cheapened the boy's dilemma by acting like it was supposed to surprise me.

I also don't get the fuel thing, as there seemed to be plenty in this world still left to burn. But I'll chalk that up to author's prerogative.

Bottom slate for no narration.

I am honestly starting to wish some of these script stories would just be scripts. Like, they mostly follow the correct beats, but maybe it's just because I'm trying to close read for Writeoff but having to keep making sure I'm confident on who is speaking is annoying.

The main problem here, as I see it, is that the payoff isn't really that strong. I was expecting something truly disastrous as opposed to a goofy suit. This is partly affected by the fact that my takeaway from their dialogue is that they are an indie band or something (comedians? stage actor? etc), so the suit having such a negative impact... doesn't really feel that intense to me and certainly not worth the build-up or climax we get. This miiiight work in a visual medium like on TV or something where they can really upsell the visual inanity, but here... I end up just imagining a tye-dye suit and going "Okay?"

Additionally, like a lot of other stories this round, the story kinda focuses on the wrong character as our perspective character... really doesn't do anything, they are just in the space of the actual conflict. It is a bit weird to say this about what is essentially a script, but the positioning of it really makes it seem like non-tye dye is hte "protagonist" and things are roughly observed from her position when tye dye is the one doing things, making decisions, etc, etc, etc.

Thanks for writing!

This is a neat idea, and I really like how it manages to make a low-stakes conflict into a world-building opportunity.

I did have trouble with the overall pacing of the reveal, though. After the first couple of "that"s, (including the one in the title), I have to say that I was really tempted to jump to the end. There are only two main pieces of information that are revealed before the twist—that something special is happening tonight, and that it hasn't happened in 500 years. These are both very simple pieces of information, and the first is actually given to us immediately. The second one doesn't hit us until nearly 500 words into the story, which is a huge portion of the minific where we're waiting for any kind of follow-up.

My suggestion would be to lean into the world-building aspects more, which is the main draw of this story anyway. Find ways to keep dropping hints about the state of this world throughout the story. Maybe the "weekly loaf of bread" bit could be moved earlier or something. The point is, you have to make the reader feel like they're making progress towards uncovering the mystery, or else it feels like you're just beating around the bush until the end.

I liked the low-key horror vibes this gives, especially with the bit describing the de-colored people, and the MC's worry about Julie.

But to be honest, I did have some trouble with the voicing of the narrator/MC. From the first couple of paragraphs, I thought this was supposed to be set in middle ages Europe. But then there's aliens and X-rays. And then, we learn that they live in a society where a town blacksmith would know the grocer? At least here in the States, I think Mom and Pop grocery stores were pretty much all gone by the time X-rays and sci-fi were part of popular discourse. It might be different in England(?), but I'm still just having a tough time figuring out the setting, and it's somewhat distracting.

The ending feels, well, kind of odd and anti-climactic to me. The dragon's voicing sounded bland to me, and it really seemed like you ran out of words half-way through their confrontation. Unfortunately, the fact that you can't devote a lot of words to this part makes the actual act of beating the dragon felt vague and kind of unimportant. I know that word count is the hardest thing to manage in a minific, but it is probably also the most important.

So while I think there's some neat ideas on display here, I'm having trouble with the execution on a couple of levels.

Like our other reviewers, I thought the scene-setting and tone-setting in the first several paragraphs was really strong. But at the same time, I can't help but think that they hamstrung the rest of the story.

You spent 300 words before any event actually happens. And then, it all happens to some guy that never gets any development at all. It feels very strange that the story seems to be told from William's perspective, but he barely exists the span of 300 words before being quickly killed off-screen.

I can't help but to think that this piece would have been much stronger if it had ditched the semblance of any story/characters at all. Just give us more of the prose from the first 1/3, and gradually reveal this village's struggle against the monster. As it is right now, jumping into the shoes of someone who amounts to be the film equivalent of an extra just feels cheap to me.

This has a well-constructed first person perspective that really digs in and helps keep me reading. But in the end, I have to agree with >>No_Raisin that this story doesn't really seem to have a satisfying payoff. It all feels pretty by-the-numbers, and by the end of things I haven't learned anything about the main character that I did not already assume was the case after the first 1/3 or so. It is an interesting interpretation of the pic it's based on, but outside of that, I'm sorry to say that it did not really engage me as the kind of thought-provoking piece that I think it's trying to be.

I can tell that you went into this with a very specific vision. This piece absolutely oozes style.

But I'm afraid for me, it didn't really pay off. I mean, from my perspective, if you just took away the poetic use of colors in regard to objects/things they represent, you'd have a pretty standard description of a forest fire, which is a bit too basic to be really interesting. So, it seems like the artsy style is the main draw of the story. But to me personally, it kind of came across as ultimately only really obscuring what was really happening, forcing me to put a little extra time and effort to understand things. I personally put a lot of value into my ability to effortlessly understand what's going on in any story I read, so I think that fics like this one are just not for me.

I don't usually like to do this, but I might have to draw a direct comparison between this story and California Just Legalized Supervillainy. Because although they take a similar approach to storytelling and world-building with a ridiculous premise, I think California manages to be more successful because of a couple of reasons.

Firstly, California was written specifically to evoke the style of a news editorial. This story feels like a mash-up between a Wikipedia article, a history textbook passage, and a Youtube comedy vlog. The construction never seemed to really come together for me, and in the end it kind of felt like an excuse to keep piling on the weirdness.

Speaking of which, I was afraid that the jokes never really landed, because there was nothing to contrast the insanity to. There's nothing resembling a straight-man role. and even comparing this to real life (which would be the logical "voice of reason" contrast), things just seem too ridiculous to compare to IRL geopolitics, outside of some pretty well-trodden memes about country stereotypes.

California might have taken the opposite approach in terms of tone (playing things off a bit too seriously, perhaps), but the fact that we could compare its world to our own to a reasonable degree meant that there were still definitely some moments we could smile at the idea of corporate-sponsored supervillains. But here, any earnest comparison to the real world was chucked out the window by the third sentence.

So in the end, there's a lot of things going on here, but none of it ever had enough weight to seem particularly biting or humorous to me.

As I've said in chat, the flaws with this story are pretty apparent, and the one-noted nature of the joke made it hard for me when writing to find content to continue engaging the reader. I wrote this at 4AM before the deadline and didn't really look it over too thoroughly or try to refine it in any substantial way; I had hoped the novelty of the idea and the front-loaded nature of the jokes would carry enough good will to get it through to finals, but sadly this was not to pass.

>>Miller Minus
>>Samey90
>>PinoyPony
>>AndrewRogue
>>No_Raisin


Thanks for the feedback. I'm sort of sad that Raisin reread this entry because obviously looking at it a second time altered his appraisal of the work, and the way I wrote it doesn't lend itself well to a second read because the twist of the joke is already revealed. Sometimes you write things with the intention for people to pour over every sentence and hope they pay attention to all the subtleties and nuances that are going into what is being written, and other times you write a story hoping people are just going to glance over it, have a laugh, and continue their day without thinking about it to much or going back over it with a more critical eye. Obviously this story was a case of the latter instance.

So when I heard he had looked it over a second time my immediate reaction was "Oh no." Raisins wasn't the only one who had this reaction though. Throughout the week and as the story become the point of discussion in the chat, you could see the initial enthusiasm for the entry slowly begin to wane with more thoughtful discourse, which is what I was hoping people would avoid. I think the fact that two other entries borrowed a similar idea did not help matters, either.

If I was going to go back and try this again, I would have spent more time and energy trying to be more creative about how I could expand the scope of the humor. >>No_Raisin's idea would have been good if I had thought of it: rival British dentists creating tooth abominations out of revenge for their own lack of skill / poor genetics / etc. but I didn't have that idea so I'm stuck with what I wrote down.

Good luck to the finalists!

“That”
>>No_Raisin
>>WritingSpirit
>>Bachiavellian
I wanted to write a story about climate change.
Thanks for the praise guys, but apparently the silent majority hated it. Also see last line.

Epide(r)mic
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Miller Minus
>>No_Raisin
>>Baal Bunny
>>AndrewRogue

Must really have shit in the eyes to let so many typos creep in. I’m interested in knowing what was wrong with the words, so that I may use them appropriately in the future. Not being a native sometimes shows egregiously.

I wanted here to slip in an invisible PoV change: at first, the narrator suggests the monsters come after his blood, and when he becomes one, the monsters switch sides but they’re still after his blood. I hope I could build on this, but obviously the format was too short and I sorely lack the necessary talent to write that sort of plot anyway.

Finally, I’m sorry Raisin, but since neither stories made it, I’ll axe both of them. I appreciate you plea, though. But the cleaver has fallen: rm -f *

>>Samey90
>>Monokeras
>>Miller Minus
>>No_Raisin
>>AndrewRogue

I find myself hoping:

This'll end up dead last when we get the Final Reckoning so I can have a matched set with my Medusa poem from earlier in the year--a Gold Medal and a Wooden Spoon for poetry during original minific rounds. :)

But yeah, this one needs more work. It's wunna my favorite rhyme schemes, though: the word that ends each stanza with a thump then rhymes with the second line of the next stanza and with the first and third lines of the stanza after that, ABAC BCBD CDCE DEDF et cetera all interwoven till the last two stanzas set up the rhymes that occur back up in the first two stanzas.

I definitely need to be more explicit that these are dogs, and I need to insert a description of the creature--the whole thing came from me looking at the "Draining" picture and seeing a wolf monster vomiting colors. I'm also not sure that bringing evolution into it works: mixing science and fantasy always gets dicey. It'd prob'bly work better as just a straight-up fantasy piece. That way, I could have the wolf monster become an actual character, give him the motive of doing this so the dogs'll rise up against humanity, but the dogs decide they'd rather be partners than masters. Or something. I can maybe salvage a few stanzas, at any rate.

But thanks, folks! I'll try to get some more comments in on the finalists before things wind up.

Mike

>>Monokeras

Also see last line.

But we can't now...

>>Pascoite
I meant last line of my post-mortem recap'!

>>AndrewRogue
>>Pascoite
>>Haze
>>Samey90
>>No_Raisin
>>Bachiavellian

Thanks to everyone who left a review! This was some excellent feedback.

This story's first draft was 1,200 words, and when it got cut for length, I think a lot of context was lost. The many comments pointing out inconsistencies in the story are helpful -- some of they were addressed in the longer version, some not. I'm going to turn this story into something longer (maybe 3,000 words or so) so seeing the major points I need to cover is great. ^_^

I'm not going to lie: this wasn't my most inspired story. I mean, it's basically a 700 word suicide joke. If I was going to post this anywhere else, the synopsis would basically be what >>Samey90 said:

Everyone who survived the apocalypse is a millenial

Thanks for reading it though.

Evocative and succinct. This is the first story on my finals slate, but it'll be hard to beat.

Normally, when a minific story is good, I say "I'd love to see a longer version of this!" But that's not the case here. This story is exactly long enough to do what it means to do. It gives us a snapshot of this strange boy's life and leaves us wondering if he's psychic, crazy, or just deeply imaginative. Superb use of the available length.

As others have said, this story's execution is very strong: it shows instead of telling, it makes good use of the length, it's evocative and sad, and the ending is punchy. But underneath the quality of the execution, there's not much substance to this story. I enjoyed reading it, and I don't have many suggestions to make on improving it, but when it was done I was left wanting more.

Still, I think this will rank near the top of my finals ballot.

Other reviewers have already praised this story for its many virtues: strong descriptions, a good hook, and an intriguing setting. But where it comes out of the gate with a superb opening, it really loses steam around the middle.

We get almost halfway through the story before anything happens, and when it does happen, it happens to someone who doesn't live to tell the tale. Since the middle of the story is told from William's perspective, but he doesn't live to repeat anything, the perspective here becomes confused.

I think the author of this story might enjoy How to Succeed in Evil, a book about a consultant who advises supervillians.

Beyond that, this story had an interesting premise, but I felt the execution could have been stronger. The pacing is off, and it rests in an unfortunate middle ground where it's too serious to be comedy but too lighthearted to be drama. This is the sort of story that I didn't enjoy very much while reading, but that I'd love to see a revised version of because the premise is so much fun.

A solid middle of my finals slate. Nice work!

Your Story's Theme Song: Matt Elliott - Prepare For Disappointment

(Just wanna clarify that I'm not disappointed in this story by any margin. I just found this song to be a hilarious fit alongside this story)

Okay, I'll get straight to it: I didn't laugh either, though I was smiling ear to ear because I did enjoy this entry quite a bit, particularly when it comes to the disgruntled voice of the narration and the dynamic between Silver and our insipid swordsman.

Regarding the humor, I'm with everyone else above in that I think the humor can be a bit more acerbic and unforgiving, as all good humor should be. It was at the edge at some points in the story and all it needed was a little push. I think with how well-built the premise and the dynamic between the characters itself, it shouldn't hurt to give something more biting for us to guffaw at, even if it may be in bad taste for some people.

I do commend you for getting close though, especially with a plot that's simple and straightforward. As much as I like the other comedies this round, their premise on their own makes it a hard pill for me to swallow personally, so I'm glad this entry exists.

Thanks for writing! Also, grats on making finals!

The idea behind this story is neat, but unfortunately, the execution just isn't up to the premise. Moments like this-

Mu-Hak had heard urban legends of metch dealers hijacking small boats with a falsified distress signal. But they were just stories, he decided.

-are fairly ham-fisted, and they give the story an exposition-heavy tone. It feels like cheesy 80s sci-fi, but without any of the campy charm. If the author intends to rewrite it, I'd strongly advise them to focus on showing instead of telling.

Bachiavellian already captured my feelings on this story perfectly:

I can tell that you went into this with a very specific vision. This piece absolutely oozes style.

But I'm afraid for me, it didn't really pay off. I mean, from my perspective, if you just took away the poetic use of colors in regard to objects/things they represent, you'd have a pretty standard description of a forest fire, which is a bit too basic to be really interesting.

You have an interesting style, but this isn't so much a story as it is a test pallete for that style. There's no substance here to appreciate, and the style alone wasn't enough to hold me.

I'm not sure why past commentators have felt this story implies brother/sister incest. I didn't get that vibe at all. They're clearly taking a trip to get revenge on their father for sexually abusing his daughter, and in light of such an emotionally charged moment, their unusual interactions make sense.

The ending is confusing and a bit weak, as it's not like they can smash his headstone every year (unless they keep paying to replace it). But with a few tweaks, this could be pretty good.

There's already four positive reviews for this story, so I hate to be the odd one out -- but I really didn't care for this story. Nothing happens, the conflict is both petty and artificial, and the reveal at the end sucks away any possible tension that may have remained. It's not that the characters are unrealistic or that the story is badly written per-se, but this is barely a story.

There are other stories in this writeoff that aren't proper stories, but they're trying to sell themselves on an intriguing premise. This is a fairly common premise combined with a tepid execution, and (for me at least) it made the story feel dull.

Alas, late to the party as I am, I don't have much to say that other reviewers haven't already said:

This has a well-constructed first person perspective that really digs in and helps keep me reading. But in the end, I have to agree with >>No_Raisin that this story doesn't really seem to have a satisfying payoff. It all feels pretty by-the-numbers, and by the end of things I haven't learned anything about the main character that I did not already assume was the case after the first 1/3 or so.

This summarizes my feelings perfectly. From the second the existence of the killer was mentioned, I assumed it was the protagonist, and so the rest of the story didn't have any surprises.

Bad author! I'm giving you a homework assignment. Watch this delightful video and give me a two-page single-spaced essay detailing all the logical fallacies present in this story.

The writing is... fine, I guess, but I seriously could not get over how aggressively this story is pushing bullshit. Automatic bottom of my slate. A poorly written story is just dull, this one is actively offensive.

Okay, I'll get straight to it: I didn't laugh either, though I was smiling ear to ear because I did enjoy this entry quite a bit, particularly when it comes to the disgruntled voice of the narration and the dynamic between Silver and our insipid swordsman.

As a comedy I don't think it quite pulls through. There are a few chuckle-worthy lines, and the premise is one that anyone who's played something like Skyrim or The Witcher will be happy to see riffed on, but it lacks teeth.

I found myself smiling while reading this story, but never actually laughing, unfortunately.

I must agree with my distinguished colleagues. As a fan of western RPGs, I certainly enjoyed this story, but it was more amusing than funny. I never quite laughed, and at the end, I didn't have a strong impression of it beyond the sort of humor one finds on a gaming reddit board.

While i concur with Cassius that this is one of the better entries so far, I'm not so sold on the ending. We're told earlier that he can't understand the words on the cover, which I took as an outright statement that the boy was illiterate.

This.

The ending of this story dramatically reveals something that we knew within the first third of the story. This made it fall flat for me, and without that twist, it's really just a summary of three people ransacking an old cabin.

But that’s the thing about color. It’s the pigment of imagination.

This story introduces the means of the villains defeat -- which was not previously foreshadowed at all -- in the same breath as the villain's defeat. It's a Deus Ex Machina that doesn't resonate with larger themes in the story or relate to the protagonist's character in any way. From a narrative perspective, you might as well have had the dragon explode because of the power of love, or friendship, or cool hard jazz.

Some of the imagery in the story is nice -- it could make an interesting horror short -- but without a way to tie it all together, it feels less like a story and more like an acid trip.

>>WritingSpirit, >>Miller Minus, >>Anon Y Mous, >>AndrewRogue, >>Samey90, >>Bachiavellian, >>No_Raisin

Downtrodden

I was a bit bemused and intrigued by the source art, with its flat topped mushroom cloud. I thought of different things it might be, but it looks most to me like a whale’s tail. This visual observation was the basis of this story, and everything else I wrote was meant to lead to the closing lines reinterpreting that dominant feature of the source art. That’s pretty much all this story is.

Now that I know that orca gladiators are a welcome thing, I shall reconsider my aims.

Thanks for the great comments!

Dramatic Irony: a Primer

"I love when my characters do dumb shit because of stuff they don't know."

-William Shakespeare on: King Lear, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Henry V, Macbeth, Richard II, Julius Caesar, Othello, etc.

The essence of dramatic irony is that the audience is more fully informed than the characters in the story; the audience understands something about the situation that the characters do not.

In Romeo and Juliet, this is plainly illustrated when Romeo chooses to kill himself.

Romeo believes Juliet to be dead, but unbeknownst to him, she is actually still alive. The audience is aware of Juliet's plan to fake her own death, but due to the events of the story, Romeo does not. The fact that Romeo kills himself believing Juliet to be dead is ironic for this reason: had he only known what we, the smart audience knew, he could have avoided his fate.

Another example of this is in Othello when Othello strangles Desdemona to death.

The tragedy of the situation is that while Othello himself believes that Desdemona was unfaithful to him because of the villainy of Iago, the audience is well aware Desdemona was actually a faithful and loving wife.

Why is the ending to The Burning ironic (and why is it good)?

Consider the following:

Boiling this story down to its core components, this story can be summarized as follows:

1. This is a post-apocalyptic setting of some kind where our protagonists are a band of roving scavengers who barely have a tooth between the lot of them. Our protagonist, the boy, is so destitute that he doesn't even have a name.
2. The boy finds a book.
3. The boy doesn't know what the book is for or how to read it (THIS IS SAID DIRECTLY TO THE AUDIENCE 5 TIMES!)
4. Nonetheless, even in his ignorance, the boy is cognizant that the BOOK is USEFUL in some way HE DOESN'T YET KNOW.
5. However, before he can figure out this mystery, the older man in his group burns the book.
6. In the last line, the older man mocks the boy for wanting something he seemingly has no use for.

So, why is this ironic?

Because THE AUDIENCE is AWARE that the BOOK is USEFUL but THE MAN is NOT AWARE of this fact. The final, mocking line (the italics are clearly meant to affect that tone) which serves to explain the man's perspective on why the book isn't useful to them, is particularly ironic because of how ignorant and myopic it is, ensuring that they'll never uplift themselves beyond a roving band of savages.

What use is a book to someone who can't read?

YOU CAN USE IT TO LEARN HOW, YOU DUMBASS. IT EVEN HAD PICTURES TO HELP OUT.

But why is that good?

Because the story was built up to that moment.

Let's look at the set up:

1. Post Apocalypse setting
2. Boy finds book
3. Boy thinks book is important (and he's supposed to be right)
4. Boy is slowly trying to learn the mystery of the book

The story as establishes the boy's curiosity in the book and repeatedly imparts that it has some hidden value that the boy is not aware of yet. It's pulling a bait and switch, a really good one at that: the reader's expectation is that the story is going to be in some way about the mystery of the book.

However, the payoff is:

1. Actually, that important book? We're pitching it in a fire for a couple more seconds of fuel.
2. Also fuck you for caring about it.

It's cruel, dark, and spiteful. It takes what should be a hopeful story of a boy's curiosity and learning, snuffs it out, and mocks you for trying. The whole story builds to that set of ending lines, which as someone who tries and fails to write good endings, is impressive as hell.

>>Cassius

I still can't get over the whole burning dead bodies for fuel thing. Also, while I agree that the use of the book as a tool to learn to read is a clear interpretation, the final line does nothing to advance it. The italics just make it worse, IMO. Italics are signposts for the reader's attention. I much more got the feeling that this story was longer in the original draft, had to be cut to make the 750 word limit, and the author pulled that final line out as an attempt to slap-dash his intent into a single, short sentence. If he didn't want people to interpret it as the bluntest twist ever, it shouldn't have been written like one.

But seriously, why would you burn a body for fuel? I want to like this story, and I hate it when critics sharp-shoot my stories for logical fallacies, but so much of this story is predicated on that rather morbid fact that I can't get over it.

>>Cold in Gardez
But seriously, why would you burn a body for fuel?

I get behind Cold on that. I agree that might not be very efficient. You have first to evaporate all the water, and, IIRC, body is about 70 to 80% water. Take out bones, which are ininflammable, from the dry corpse, and you’re left with very little to warm you with.

IMO, you'd spend more calories boiling the water out of the body than you would get from the burning of the then dried-up remains. Clearly, you have a point here, Cold.

>>Bachiavellian:

Hits the issues here squarely on the head, author. If you're going to do this sort of metrical poetry, you gotta make sure the meter's consistent. The second one comes off better in that regard than the first, but they're both fairly rocky. Storywise, they're fine, though I don't quite see how they relate to either the prompt or the picture.

Mike

As long as:

We're talking about nitpicking--or as >>Cold in Gardez puts it, "sharp-shooting"--coyotes are smaller than the average German shepherd, very rarely attack humans, and even more rarely kill them. Go all the way, author, and make this a wolf, I'd recommend.

Mike

I agree with the above. Humans are meaty. Why burn a perfectly edible body for fuel?

There's something similar in the videogame RAGE where you can sell books to merchants as near-worthless scrap paper. It's just a weird lazy joke about how these wasteland survivors don't care about reading. This fic isn't written as a comedy, but it feels equally weak as social commentary.

If someone has to explain that it's irony, it probably aint.

I'm highly skeptical an illiterate person can teach themselves to read without any teachers at all. Illustrations every few pages don't make it Dr Seuss. To be fair I'm guessing the author didn't intend for that to be a possibility for the boy. I don't think that logic is bothering anyone, so it's something else...

The boy got something like an idea in his head, that he could use this thing for some purpose he couldn't parse.

This line seems to sum up the whole story, yet also highlights the weakness. We don't know the book's exact purpose either. It's used as a vague glimpse of something grander he can't comprehend, and I get that the vagueness is intentional... but that also makes it pretty boring and hard to relate to. He finds a nice object he wants to keep on a whim, can't grasp its signifiance, but then it's lost forever anyway. Too bad.

It's a tragic note of regret, an opportunity lost forever to the older man's senseless destruction, but not much else. I can only guess that the message here is that books themselves are important, and literacy can elevate him from this ruined savagery. That's debatable, but more importantly it's not argued well.

I'm thinking the story's effect would be much stronger if it hinted that this specific book could solve the boy's immediate practical problems. We can assume what his problems are, but they're not directly shown. Maybe he can recognize something in the illustrations that is personally relevant to him (maybe it's a science book, or a Boy Scout manual)? And in that exciting moment, when he knows the book is important, having it suddenly snatched away and burned would feel like a real gut-punch!

Romeo's suicide is effective only because the audience knows with certainty that Juliet is faking her death. If we were as clueless about the situation as Romeo, the play would be forgettable.

(I am not a journalist. Just a lawyer and doctor and economist.)

This seems to be using the broken window fallacy. This isn't a flaw in the story - not certain, but I get the feeling the author did this intentionally for irony. However, I still think it's the wrong decision here.

For such a controversial issue, I would expect a professional news article to explain both sides' positions. Sure this feels like an editorial that has already chosen a side, but at least it would provide some rebuttals to the other side (no matter how half-assed and strawman-ish those points might be). Instead, this seems to go on for too many words about what other countries are doing, even if it doesn't seem entirely relevant. If it's an article that's just reporting on the facts, then it's going too far off-topic from the interesting starting point. If it's meant more as an editorial, all that backstory doesn't seem to support the writer's political argument in any meaningful way.

This has a great catchy title, but it feels misleading when the fic barely talks about the supervillains themselves. Why not interview one or two, to provide some quotes and anecdotes? Journalism is about telling the story, after all. When you imitate the style, you should keep a similar tight focus on those directly involved.

MIssed opportunity to include a tweet from President Trump giving his 2 cents on the issue. I see that in nearly every BBC article on politics, I dunno if other news sites do that too. Also missed opportunity to spin this into how "Millenials are killing the superhero industry!" Okay okay you probably didn't ask me for comedy advice.

But besides the journalistic style, I wonder if this could've been taken into more imaginative territory than mundane job-creation. Why would big companies invest in supervillains? That's a good question, I guess there could be some plausible reasons that benefit them. How would the heroes react to this? Does this pressure them to get sponsors too just to catch up, or do they stay independent? Does this change the way the villains operate? What consequences come out of this that nobody predicted?

From this initial idea, it could've become something really fun to read, and still fit within the current format. Geez, I know this is one of those annoying reviews saying "this should've been an entirely different story," and I apologize. This is why I suspect the author's goal was to use it as a satire of our economy, but they got too focused on that endpoint and missed all the potential twists. I mean, you can write one of those different stories and still have the same message (if that's indeed what you were aiming for), and the creativity will make it all the more memorable.

p.s. I noticed the Tiger & Bunny reference, lol. Case in point, that show created a unique superhero scenario, and explored the ramifications to tell its story effectively.

For my part:

I found this less problematic than "Shades of White" because it's in first person. Here, I don't get the sense of the author using the characters as cardboard cut-outs while trying to convince me of something. Instead, I see an author showing me a narrator willing to compromising his principles to connect with another person. That's a story to me.

Mike

What the hell happened here?

The people who had commented on this during the prelim period reached sort of a consensus, and for the record my feelings on this entry haven't really changed since my review either. Opinions fit into either the "It's very good" or "It's merely decent" camps and that's arguably still the case.

Personally I'm more in the former camp, but I wouldn't put this at the top of my slate.

The problem is that there seems to be debate over the ending now, which strikes me as really conspicuous considering it's one of more clear-cut passages from the story, and I will actually or probably not eat my own shoes if it was intended to be a twist. >>Cassius already explained how this is ridiculous and what the intent most likely was.

But this did not satisfy some people.

>>Cold in Gardez in both of his comments (I'm just replying to the more recent one for convenience) argued that the ending falls flat because it's written like a twist. Or rather, given how it's laid out, one would expect the final line to change everything we knew about the story, or something like that. Something O. Henry would be proud of. But the last line is more like a tiny kick in the gonads, in that it flips the reader the bird for thinking the book was going to be something specifically meaningful, either in its identity or how it relates to the boy.

Because we're denied a conventional last-line twist ending, some of us feel cheated. I personally didn't, because it was clear to me that the kicker lay not in the boy's illiteracy but in his crushed potential to be more than what he is. That seems like a fair assessment.

Re-reading this, there are a few more nitpicks I have than before, but nothing serious. The line Cassius quoted in his initial comment is totally superfluous, so it should've been scrapped. The question of burning the old man's body is also one that can lead to some head-scratching, although I think the problem of this is a bit blown out of proportion by a few people.

>>Monokeras is technically right about the logic of burning a body for warmth, although the characters in the story wouldn't know such specifics so maybe it's a moot point?

I could "sharp-shoot" (what a word, by the way) and complain about where the men got the wood from or how they started the fire to begin with, although these feel less egregious to me than several other logical gaps/issues from other finalists, most notably Shades of White and The Coyote of Roseview Park.

It's not fair to compare, though, so I'll put all that to the side.

I'm just saying that somebody misfired here, and I'm wondering as to whom.

Hi, Author. I'm your dissenting opinion. But don't worry, there's good news at the end of this.

This is an excellently written story, and I wasn't going to say anything about it at first, but I have a major hang-up with the message this story delivers that I want to bring up. But before I do that, I have to say, I'm interpreting this story completely differently from everyone else.

I mean, am I the only one who thinks that Johnny is a shitty friend? Because nobody is talking about this.

For real, check out these lines:

He’d known Kelly since kindergarten, long enough to tell what she clearly wanted.

True, this looks bad when you take it out of context, but even in context, it's still a blatant disregard for her feelings. And keep in mind, this line is the final line in the first scene, and the writing here is proficient enough that the Author is likely drawing our attention to it intentionally.

What an awful thing to think about a friend.

“You want to be a woman?”

“No.”

“Well, then, don’t be one,” said Johnny, who hadn’t had certain things explained to him.

"Certain things"—possibly meaning the physical changes involved in female puberty, but since the theme of this scene is "growing up" in general (putting away childish things, etc.), I'm thinking he's also not been told that he needs to grow up at some point. I'm going to come back to this one.

He shrugged it off. What would it matter, after all? She’d clearly been lying. She’d change her mind.

Yes, go into denial. It couldn't be your failure to listen to a single word she's saying.

Kelly’s parents had decided to move, for reasons that didn’t make sense to him. Judging from his mother’s expression, though, he had been an unspoken reason.

Her parents think he's a bad influence, which is what's driving the conflict here. Given his childish attitude, it's not too surprising.

All of these points from the story hammer one thing home for me: Johnny doesn't understand that Kelly has a life outside of hanging out with him. He's completely self-centered. But that makes him a great child character. Children are assholes! You might even say that "they haven't had certain things explained to them."

On my second readthrough of this story, I assumed that Johnny was an unreliable narrator through and through, and everything fell into place. His thicker-than-a-brick-wall attitude that he shows towards Kelly starts to show up in other places too. He sees depression when it isn't there. He imagines ghosts and earthquakes and colours reflecting from peoples' skin. He thinks he has "special powers" that other people don't.

My interpretation of this story is that it's about a kid who lives entirely inside his own head—to the point where he believes his own imagination is real—and this attitude has led him, unsurprisingly, to lose his only friend.

My big hang-up with this, though, is that he's just a kid. Of course he doesn't understand how to be a good friend. Of course he's imaginative. Of course he has trouble growing up. My problem is that the story seems to be punishing him for not knowing these things, to the point where there isn't a single external force in his life trying to teach him what he's doing wrong. It's like watching an old man trying desperately to learn how to read—tears streaming down his face—with nothing but a three-item grocery list to learn from. And nobody is helping him.

And in that way, I agree with Baal wholeheartedly. This story, when you peel away the imaginative fluff, is just about sad Johnny getting sadder. I feel like I just watched a child get punished for not understanding how to be an adult. There's no character arc—it's more like a line, trending straight down down to rock bottom, with nothing learned or gained, and through no fault of his own. And that is the biggest downer I've ever read in the writeoff.

But goddamnit, Author. If my interpretation is correct, and you set out to write a story that was such a supreme downer on so many levels, then you succeeded outright. I may not be leaving this story very happy, and I may be wishing there had been someone, something, helping this poor kid learn from his mistakes, but I can't reasonably say you deserve to be lower than the top-two on my slate, because I've thought about this entry more than any other. It's shooting up my slate in finals. I don't think my vote would have mattered anyways, but fair's fair, you did what you set out to do. So well done.

Bottom slated for stalking. That's rude.

Much like Ships in the Night, this entry is a generally competent execution of a story that I am rather familiar with (though I am harder-pressed to think of a direct example in the same way that I can with that one).

I will say, the story doesn't really do much to explain why he decides against the murder. He outright states he could catch her if he wanted (and, I think even without him saying that, it feels obvious) and very clearly wants to, so the fact that he doesn't strikes me as strange.

Thanks for writing.

Bottom slate for reminding me of my own writing.

No, seriously, this really does remind me Blind Dating in a World Gone Mad in a structural sense, for better and for worse. The main problem, as I see it, is that the turn doesn't quite feel earned (much like the aforementioned story as well!). Like it is delivered as this stunning revelation that shakes the man to his core, when it'd be really silly if he just said "Yes, I have been in love." The emotional shift is just so strong at the end that I have trouble buying into it. I think the overall course is fine, but you'd be better served by it being an amenable buy into the idea that she'd rather live in a world where all that is real rather than the emotional rocking.

If you do want to do the emotional rocking, I think you really need to establish earlier that this guy is a bit more of a sad sack instead of just somebody looking for a hookup.

Nitpicky, but the diners nearby starting to listen in to this mild level of crazy is weird to me. Like, you don't tend to pick up on surrounding conversations unless you are already listening in or they are REALLY loud/weird.

Thanks for writing!

>>Miller Minus
I'm revisiting that last paragraph. I shouldn't be saying that my ranking is based on "if my interpretation is correct", because I could be wrong. The point is:

1. This story is meant to be a downer
2. My interpretation is a downer
3. Whether or not my interpretation is what the author intended, the emotion the author wanted to convey came across really strongly for me, and since my interpretation is all I've got, I might as well rank accordingly.

Also, thanks for writing! Forgot to say that the first time.

Bottom slate for "Not if I fuck you first!" Incest is not best. Do not put your sister to the test.

So I'd say the thing here is that, like many fics, this is more vignette and less story. Our viewpoint character is largely secondary to the action and, perhaps more importantly, his arc is already complete: he has decided to bring his sister to the graveyard. He has decided to go through with this plan. He already knows what it is all about. Etc. This is really just the end of several other stories.

And that... honestly kind makes the payoff a bit unsatisfying, because we don't get a real build up to it. The question is "what is the thing they are going to do" so the tension of the mystery being answered resolves... really before we actually reach the emotional peak of the story, leaving the end feeling a bit flaccid, if that makes sense.

Nevertheless, it is an entertaining enough romp, I just think it'd benefit from a little restructuring to better line it up both as a story and so that the emotional blow lands with the hammer swing.

Thanks for writing!

Bottom slated for getting so many comments. It makes me jealous.

Another one like Ships where the particular story being told feels fairly familiar. I would say this is probably the best executed of that trilogy as it leans more on the mood specific in the story rather than the events of the story itself, if that makes sense.

Fundamentally I kind of agree with both sides of the conversation here. Cassius' interpretation is consistent with what I see, but I do agree that the last line flounders a bit in its presentation, making it read like an attempted hook/twist when it isn't anything of the sort. Losing the italics would probably help a bit there, but otherwise I'm just not sure. you might want to just reconsider that line (in its current form, not necessarily the concept) altogether.

Thanks for writing!

>>No_Raisin. >>Cassius, >>Monokeras, >>Miller Minus, >>GaPJaxie, >>AndrewRogue

So, this story was a mistake.

Basically, I had three versions of this story in my folder. The first was written more to outline the story proper, complete with a placeholder ending whose final line reads 'And that's why Ben Shapiro is a reptilian apologist.'

It's an objectively better ending than this one, I swear.

The second draft is an edited version of what you guys read up there, though really the only change would be the last line, which says "So, how about we do Mom's for Christmas?" or something along those lines. It probably clears up a lot more things on why I ended it the way I did. Nevertheless, even with that change, I wasn't exactly happy with what I got in the end, mostly because of the reasons that >>AndrewRogue put out there. (Andrew: 1, everyone else: 0)

The third draft was the one I intended to put up here. It's the one that omits the line that everyone found troublesome in the first place, so that's already a plus. It doesn't have more incest though, so I should apologize to Cass and everyone else interested. I'm open to bribes, however.

I'll just copypaste the True Ending here:

The deed done, brother and sister waddle their way back to the car.

"You know, you can always come live with us," Joseph attempts. "I'm sure the kids will take to you. The wife might need some time, but I think—"

"Joey, promise me something once you get me home."

"A-Anything, Gen," he manages at her sudden request. "Anything."

The silence that follows was as brief as it was dreadful.

"That I'll never see your face again."

Honestly think this ending brings a lot more interesting things to the table. Not sure if it solves all the issues you guys mentioned—I think it does have its own share of problems—but it's my preferred ending over what you guys got.

Now, onwards to individual responses:

---

>>No_Raisin
It was initially written as a comedy, I think, but I did a bit of backpedaling on that front. Yes, it counts as vandalism. Also, yes, I was really tired.

>>Cassius
I snickered every time you brought it up in chat.

>>Monokeras
You got that 'deliberately severing their relationship' and 'petty thefts' part of the story that Cassius missed, so yay! I would say though, that line definitely could be worded better. Imagining it in context, it just felt like something the sister would say in her drunken stupor to both flip the bird at him and weird him (and everyone else) out.

I wasn't really thinking about what message the story was sending when I wrote this version of the story, or whether it would be believable, to be honest. It just felt like it would be fun writing something quirky, to which I can safely say I did.

>>Miller Minus
Mission accomplished. Also, I can safely say that I'm not going around knocking over gravestones with a sledgehammer.

Regarding their situation, I think when I wrote this, I always pictured that the dad's death was pretty recent and completely failed to translate that into the story in any way, so that one's on me. I don't think I was writing this to make them sympathetic though. The situation they were in, yes, but not their behavior.

>>GaPJaxie
It's Cassius's fault.

>>AndrewRogue
Can't agree more. My gripe with this draft had always been "Why is Joseph even here in the first place?" and I wanted his presence here to be a lot more self-serving than just helping a sister out. Thus, the third draft was conceived, but alas, I'm a dummy.

---

All in all, thanks for the comments! Appreciate it!

I'm surprised this got past Prelims. I was thinking for sure that it would not make it since the tone of reviews changed slowly from “not bad” to “the way it was handled irritated me”

Kinda what happened to “Lecture: A world without dentists” but a slower burn.

Honestly, I think Monokeras’ “That” deserved my spot instead. In my opinion, it had a better concept and execution than this piece.

Not only for that reason, but it probably would've fended better the finals. By the change in tone in the comments, I could tell that it was going downhill very fast. And, like a ultimate boss fight (which has more than one part), If I somehow made it past the first phase (Prelim), then the second phase (Final) would obliterate it.

>>Samey90

Heh, I take it you didn't like the reference to “A Howl in the Dark”?

All jokes aside, this was a surprising experiment with surprising results. To keep it short, I decided to keep it simple. My fear was that toning down how hard I tried would cripple the style. Turns out, unless you meant something else by “not badly written”, that it panned out better than I hoped.

>>Miller Minus
>>No_Raisin
>>GaPJaxie

I see that this is just a skeleton of a story, since there's nothing but the prose. I should've added something more though- simple dish like oatmeal, nothing inherently wrong, but is bland. It needed a little sugar and/or spice to make it easier to consume.

Gosh, now I'm hungry.

I was surprised that the prose was fine though. I thought my sloppy writing would show through. Turns out not, but it came at a cost.

This was an honest experiment. It panned out in some avenues, but crashed and burned in others. It first started out as a fic about a wolf carrying a special coal (the heart of the fire) when his honor calls his name (if this sounds confusing, don't worry, that's the reason why I dropped it). That project, however would take more time. It easily blew past 750, so I kept it simple.

Though that is a double standard when it comes to wasting 50 words. Good point on that one, No Raisin. I needed more like 12, and the fiction would've been fine still. Most of all, the part about missing characters and an actual story I could've traded the repetition for a solid character.

I can tell I aggravated a lot of other authors with this move. I understand the frustration since it is a waste of space. If only there was a way to donate words to other writers participating in the round.

With this experiment, it feels like I hit a beehive with a baseball bat. Yes, it was a stupid move, but the difference is that this one was a honest mistake. I didn't mean any harm. I apologize if it did. I learned the hard way one button I do not want to push.

All in all, thanks for reading! (From what was said in your comments, I understand it didn't sit well with a lot of you). So, I'll say it again- I appreciate the time and effort you put into looking over this piece and forming feedback. Thank you for reading!

>>Bachiavellian

Before I go into review mode. I want to make it clear that your comment was appreciated. Thank you for seeing the story behind the story. Not many have that ability, including me.

You guessed it pretty well! The vision was clear in my head, but by the time it reached my fingers, it was tainted and muddled. Ugh. Thankfully, I see a little light at the end of the tunnel for this problem. But for now, my voice struggles.

On a less serious note, it seems to be hard to find your sweet spot, I guess I'm not the writer specific for your tastes. First “Sweet on the Inside”, then this one. I struck out twice. Maybe the third time’s a charm. Heh, we'll see.

Thanks for reviewing!

TLDR:

This was a experiment. Well worth the try, and learned so much for it. It was just a bit bland for missing characters and too strong for overused repetition

>>PinoyPony
Nah, this fully deserved its place in the finals. You’re adorable, and I’m really beholden to you for what you say, but it was fair. And don’t worry, I’ll get over it.

Or not. :P

❤

Big congrats to our winners, and to all our participants, as always!

Retrospective: Like Ships in the Night

So, this was the story that everyone didn't like, but made it halfway up the finals slate anyway. Writeoff, go home, you're drunk.

Anyways, so I guess I could have done a bit of a better job with conveying that this story was intended to be a light-heated romantic comedy.

... Well, kinda, to be actually honest.

Like I said in my review of Alone, I really liked the feeling it gave out, which to me was one of resigned isolation. Going from there, I kind of wanted to write a story about isolated people finding one another, and since I'm a hopeless nerd it absolutely had to happen in Space™ (just like basically all of my other OF entries).

My original thought was to make this a reflection of common romance tropes. Hence, why we have butterflies in the stomach, awkward introductions, staying up all night talking, and the super-fucking-duper ham-fisted ship names. That way, the whole thing is kind of meant to be a metaphor about finding love. In my first outlines, Mu-Hak actually saves Lina, but I realized that I just didn't have the wordcount to give that plan justice. So I went back and re-contextualized the whole thing to try to make it more like a tragic love story.

And I thought all of this went over everyone's head, until I saw this in the chat:

CassiusLast Sunday at 6:58 PM
if the character interactions were a little bit more focused and the chemistry between MooCow and Caroline was a bit more fleshed out, it would be a really killer entry.
There's a lovely contrast of really hitting it off with a person and wanting to get to know them better, while being very lonely and afraid (i.e. needing someone to talk to), while also being under pressure to not say anything because of the situation.(edited)
a longer entry could have had more dramatic tension(edited)
CassiusLast Sunday at 7:12 PM
sort of like a Meet Cute except someone is slowly suffocating to death and there's nothing you can do to save them except try and make them feel better
but I digress

So, apparently Cass is no stranger to apotheosis and is now just a straight-up god at figuring out authorial intent. Where do I present my tithes?

Regarding the technobabble that everyone apparently disliked, I'm just gonna say that I, personally, really like sci-fi talk as long as it isn't done meaninglessly or to deliberately/cheaply simplify plot points. So, I thought it'd be atmospheric to put all that stuff in. Apparently, though, it looks like I overdid it. :(

One bit of nerdy trivia, though, is that I stole the positioning system used in the very beginning from the Battlestar Galactica reboot. "Bearing" is a real-world naval measurement of direction, measured in 360 degrees horizontally around a ship. Battlestar Galactica ingeniously added "carom" (which is a billiards term for "bounce" or "rebound") to describe a 180 degree vertical measurement of direction. Together, with distance, they allow for denoting exact relative positions in 3D. Fun, fun, fun!

Finally, >>Pascoite gave me a lot of help with his Mentor gig. He actually cut down a lot of the techno-talk that was in my first draft, and had me write that middle scene that everyone seemed to like the most. So yeah, he's wonderful. :)

Okay, on to responses!

>>Miller Minus
You have no idea how much nervous hair-pulling I did during the day before >>Light_Striker explained it. Because if the readers can't tell that it's in Space™, then what's the point of it all!?

But still, thank you very much for your thoughts! I know that technobable isn't everyone's cup of tea, and it's good to be able to gauge how much it impacts readers that don't have my particular tastes.

>>No_Raisin
To answer, "Why Space™?", it's because space is lonelier than planets and or moons or oceans. It's just about as close as you can get to having absolutely nothing else but the sound of another person's voice. And I really wish I had made that a bigger focus of the story.

Thank you very much for your review!

>>AndrewRogue
... Am I still allowed to keep my Nerd Card if I admit that I've only seen TOS and NG?

Yeah, I kind of noticed the pacing hiccup around Lina's death only in hindsight. To explain, like I said, originally the story didn't have the 2nd scene at all, so it kind of transitioned directly from the "telling a funny story" bit (which was deliberately done in a detached, dialogue-less 3rd person) to the death reveal. Since the 2nd scene establishes some direct talk between Lina and Mu-Hak, I think it kind of threw off the reader expectations and pacing for the 3rd scene.

.... I think.

Appreciate the review!

>>GaPJaxie
I really should have listened to Pasco and axed that bit altogether.

But yes, ham-fisted is the name of the game, here. I really feel that my OF stories ping-pong from being blatantly cliche to being absolutely indecipherable. Still trying to find that balance, I guess. :P

Thank you very much for your thoughts!

>>PinoyPony
Even I can't figure out my own tastes. Don't worry too much about pleasing one charlatan with a keyboard. :P

>>PinoyPony
Sorry if I came off a little harsh up there; I'm still learning how to review. I'm glad your experiment went well! The writeoff is a great place to try new things.

By the way, I've read all of your 2018 entries so far, and I've gotta say, the amount of improvement I'm seeing in this story is staggering. Seriously, well done.

Thanks again for writing, and double thanks for contributing to the reviews! Only like half of the authors do it :S

>>Miller Minus
No, don't worry about the tone. The Writeoff is notorious (at least in my eyes) for giving you candid and honest feedback. Sometimes the feedback can rub a person the wrong way, but that's a nessecary evil on the road to improvement. Either way, I appreciate any pointers that come my way! :Twilightsmile:

I don't know why this story isn't additionally attached to axxuy's The Queen's English, because it was what gave me the idea of British immigrants living in America and struggling to fit in. Oops!

I'm thrilled this clinched the second spot, because I had originally written off gold and silver to Colourless Blues and The Burning (6th, people?). Thanks so much for reading and for all your feedback.

>>No_Raisin
This is one of the funniest reviews I've ever received, but only in hindsight. When I first read it, I was screaming on the inside. But still, I found your review helpful, and I'm glad you were into the second last paragraph, because I intentionally put some extra mustard on it. I felt bad for skirting with talking heads earlier on, so I wanted to make it up to all the prose lovers out there.

And don't worry, I flubbed on Bachi's story being in space, so I really shouldn't laugh. I will anyways, but I at least know how hypocritical I'm being.

>>Baal Bunny
I have an abusive relationship with commas, I know. And you're totally right on anchoring the POV. I was 400 words into this story before I realized I was jumping between Lucille and Fred willy-nilly, and it looks like I didn't quite patch it all up in time.

Thanks for the feedback!

>>Miller Minus
Oh, the fuck do you know.

>>Bachiavellian
Thanks so much for reading, Bachi! I know it may look like I was fishing for people to figure out my awesome twist in the title, but I wasn't kidding in my fake review when I said there wasn't a double meaning. I mean, you're still right, because the story is about the missing 'u' in american spellings, but my point was that the title implied that there was something in the story that begged that pun. The final title was honestly just a placeholder.

I honestly just never thought of a better title.

>>GaPJaxie
Can't win 'em all. I'm unfortunately not very good at intriguing premises, and I've been that way all my life. It's something I want to work on, but I figured I could get some character-driven writing in as practice this round.

Still, thanks for sharing your impression. I'll try to amp up my creativity in the future. And congrats on the bronze!

There's a park near my apartment where I love to take walks, and unbeknownst to a lot of my fellow park-goers, there's a coyote that lives there. I only saw it by accident, like 4 times in the same walk. It was interesting to me, because it was super busy that evening, but I seemed to be the only person who was alone, so I could focus more on my surroundings a lot more than everyone else. I swear nobody else saw it, just lurking in the bushes.

At one point I saw it go up a hill—one of my favourite hills, because it has such a nice view. I decided to let it be, and when it walked back down the other side, I started my own way up, and thought, I wonder what it was doing up here. Oh well, at least it's gone now.

You know. Unless there's a second one.

Horror is something I've never tried but always wanted to. Placing 4th is beyond my wildest expectations, so thanks everyone.

>>Monokeras
Yes, it could have had more of a spin, but I'll defend the "something bad is going to happen and it does" angle, because that's kind of a staple of horror in general. Would look a bit silly if Casey and the coyote became besties.

>>WritingSpirit
Thanks for your feedback! Those are definitely interesting aspects of the world that could be explored. No way could it be done in 750 words or less though. Nuh-uh.

Nope.

>>No_Raisin
Thanks for all your feedback. Not much to say other than I agree with pretty much all of it. Though I will say that I made Roseview Park up. Looks like I had the same idea as the Antelope, California Parks and Rec Department. Great minds think alike, and all that.

I probably should have googled the name of the park.

>>Cold in Gardez
Very stoked to get a review from you, Gardez, and I'm happy you found it intriguing. Thanks for stopping by.

>>GaPJaxie
More substance and creativity. Check, check, check. Thanks!

>>Baal Bunny
Full disclosure, I was going to call it a wolf, except for the fact that wolves are kind of a charged animal at the moment in the writeoff. I figured the Howl in the Dark Hubbub hadn't died off yet, so I avoided it intentionally (not that that stopped Spirit!)

But yes, it's a wolf. If I revisit this story in the future, that change will be near the top of my list.

---

So, mission success. Expect more horror from me in the future.

>>Miller Minus

Thanks man, and yeah, the character writing here was good. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff. :)

>>PinoyPony

I will mention that I did enjoy your style. For all my criticisms, you've got something here, and this story deserved its place in the finals.

Looking forward to reading more of your work too. :)

>>Bachiavellian

I learned something about poetry reading this comment! I never quite understood how meter works, so I could hear that it was off but didn't understand why. This really helped.

Thank you!

>>No_Raisin

Alternate Title: Skyrim: Sing-Along Edition

You are a bad man.

>>Baal Bunny

The picture has a dragon in it, man. The story is called, "Poems About Dragons."

I'm just saying I didn't conceal my intentions.

More seriously, thanks for the feedback. The commentary this round really helped, and with your mentorship and support, I think I might be well on my way to being an average poet.

>>No_Raisin
>>Baal Bunny
>>Samey90
>>AndrewRogue

Whoops!

Thanks to everyone for the feedback. This story's initial version was over 1000 words long, and when it got compressed for length, it lost a few relevant details. Criticism like that it could be taken as implying vaccines cause autism made me cringe, but is totally fair when reading the literal text.

Probably the biggest thing to get dropped is that the original story had a lot more little moments to show that April is a functional member of society. She has a job, she pays her rent every month, she has loyal friends, and she's trying online dating but her profile scares people off. Her argument that she's not disabled, just different, is meant to be validated by her having a happy life.

In short...

I get that this might be an allegory for autism, and how a lot of people on the autism spectrum would rather stay as they are than be "cured," whatever that means. But autism is something that usually develops naturally, and most people on the spectrum are far more well-adjusted to everyday life than April here.

>>No_Raisin

You nailed the authorial intent on the head, but I failed to execute on it well enough for it to come through.

Still! I'm planning to turn this story into a longer humanfic, so this feedback was all super useful. Thanks everyone!

>>GaPJaxie

The picture has a dragon in it, man

Yeah, that's completely:

On me. I keep looking at that picture and seeing some sort of monster canine instead of a dragon. :)

Mike

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
I'd write some retro, but the only interesting thing I have to say about this is the list of objects I was considering to put there instead of the rat:
- baseball bat;
- an assault rifle;
- the rest of the body (or just some loose bones);
- a pack of cigarettes;
- empty bottle.

Alternate Title: The Retrospective Nobody Wanted

Where do I begin with this?

I've had to think about this for a while, and by that I mean a few days, before the round even ended. There are a few people here I feel I should answer to, because surprisingly, during finals period (where usually not much happens), my entry picked up a lot of traction. And by traction I mean people arguing over its merits, its executions, and what I meant by all of it.

This proved to be both amazing and irritating. As an author your ears perk up whenever something you wrote gets attention, and even negative criticism can be enlightening and (believe it or not) satisfying to read.

Yet a couple people here seemed to assume the absolute worst of me. Like, beyond what I initially thought was going to be the roughest criticism. Not because of its harshness, but well... I'll explain it when I get to those comments.

I'm going in order here, so as to not pick anyone first out of bias, just to keep that in mind.

>>Miller Minus

First of all, the "expert writing" comment made my day. I don't even know what the criteria for that is, and I know for a fact that there are a lot of entries in just the past few rounds that I think are more polished than this. With that said, I had to take that comment and hold it close, modesty be damned.

As for the burning itself, which to my surprise became a major topic of debate for some reason, I thought the logic behind it was simple enough. The old man had been dead for some time and it'd probably not be a good idea to eat him (would you do it, even if you cooked it well? I wouldn't), and burying seemed like a waste of time. So, because it was in the fall and nighttime was going to be really cold, and because his body (so I thought) would supply a nice hearty fire, I went with that option.

It didn't seem hard to figure out, I'm just saying. I was wrong, though.

>>Monokeras

Old man, Mono, you left two comments here. How silly of you. But I'll cover both here, because there's not much I can say that wasn't already said in the Discord server. For those of you who are not in that server, though, I'll write the abridged version of my responses here.

You're right about the probable takeaway being trite, and truth be told there are waaaaaay too many post-apocalypse stories that take on this bleak tone and message. I didn't take the ending directly from anywhere, but trust me when I say it's nothing special. This is a standard story, in the context of its genre, with a nice coat of paint.

Also, the science stuff about the body is right (or at least I'm taking your word for it), though I don't think the characters would know about those kinds of things. They're not the brightest or most educated bunch.

>>Cassius

Now Cassius, my dear brother in arms, I feel it's best to tackle both of your comments here as well.

First off, your comment about that one line being useless was absolutely spot on. I fiddled with this story a lot, changed a lot of things to fit the word count, and I'm ashamed at the fact that I never went back and deleted that line. I could've used those words for something more productive, like explaining where the men got the wood from (I'm only half-joking here, that explanation would've helped me in the long run). It's hokey, the ellipses combined with italics are annoying, and it lacks the overall subtlety I was going for.

As for your really, really long comment about the ending, I'm impressed. You had me figured out when some of the more experienced writers here didn't, and you seem to have a sixth sense for understanding what authors want out of their stories without knowing who wrote what.

You proved that dramatic irony is not dead, and that someone in one of these contests could execute it and get away with it. I think it's the first time I've done an ending like this, and truth be told it wasn't even what I originally had in mind. I wanted to do something more solemn, with the narrator going deeper into the boy's anguish, but the last line of dialogue ended up summarizing what I wanted so well that I stopped there.

>>Cold in Gardez

Once again I'm covering both comments here; I had to sit and think and go through a few emotions in reading and re-reading them. In fact these comments are the reason why I'm doing this retro today and not yesterday.

I could try to sum up what you said, but I'll just quote the first paragraph from your second comment:

I still can't get over the whole burning dead bodies for fuel thing. Also, while I agree that the use of the book as a tool to learn to read is a clear interpretation, the final line does nothing to advance it. The italics just make it worse, IMO. Italics are signposts for the reader's attention. I much more got the feeling that this story was longer in the original draft, had to be cut to make the 750 word limit, and the author pulled that final line out as an attempt to slap-dash his intent into a single, short sentence. If he didn't want people to interpret it as the bluntest twist ever, it shouldn't have been written like one.

Words cannot describe how much this all bugs me. Or maybe "bugs" is too light a word, because truth be told I was furious. I've gotten many irksome comments from critics in the six years that I've been writing fiction, but this actually takes the cake. I didn't think that an expert, someone who can write circles around me, would make this kind of point.

Italics are usually meant to emphasize words, yes. That's what I had intended. I did not mean it to come out like a twist, because I had enough faith in the readers that they would've gathered by that point that the boy's illiteracy was not a twist or surprise. The italics were meant to emphasize the dramatic irony of the situation.

I thought that was clear. I was wrong. I was so wrong that even now it disheartens me that somebody misconstrued what the ending was supposed to signify. Just one person, and of all people a veteran among us, misconstruing it was enough to make me regret writing this entry, not because I felt I had misfired on the ending but because I felt (and still feel) I had failed on a deep and irreparable level as a young writer.

These comments of yours didn't enlighten me, but rather made me almost distraught. They taught me, if anything, that putting a decent amount of faith in readers is a mistake, and I want to believe that's wrong. I want to refine my craft, and I want to engross people who happen to come across my stories, and I want to treat them with the kind of respect where I believe they can deal with many things, because I want to believe they're strong. Strong, smart, and savvy, more so than me.

I don't think I can say anything else about that. Moving on, then...

>>GaPJaxie

Repeating Gardez's sentiments, so I don't have anything to respond to here, really.

>>Haze

There's a bit of fridge logic at work in the story (and by a bit I mean a good amount), so your remarks about the boy being able to learn to read in the first place are well-founded.

As for the identity of the book, I feel like that would almost result in a different story altogether. For what I was going for, the specific identity of the book didn't matter as much as what it represented. I could've (and even considered) having it explicitly be an encyclopedia or a dictionary, but I felt that was too narrow.

A lot of the details in the story are kept fuzzy for a reason.

>>AndrewRogue

The exact execution of the ending is definitely more up for debate than what it was intended to convey, so I gotta agree with you there. Perhaps it would've been better if I ditched the italics, but then again they seemed appropriate for what I wanted. It's one of those things where people can debate over what the "right" choice would be and you probably wouldn't get a clear winner out of that argument. It's a simple fix, though, assuming the lack of italics really would be better, so I'm thankful for that at least.

God, this retrospective is so long.

I almost didn't even want to write it, because I feared some fiery emotions would bleed into it, and from the looks of it I could only keep those to a minimum. I'm sorry, but I can only mask how I feel so well.

Much of the criticism was very much appreciated, though. It all contributes to me growing as a writer, and that's what really counts here. I'm quite young and I have a lot to learn.

Au revoir.

>>No_Raisin

For the record, I ranked your story fourth. It came in sixth. So I found it considerably better than the average judge.

Take that for what you will.

>>No_Raisin
💙

I've decided to quit the writeoff. Part of it is real life; for months, I've felt like something scraped off a shoe, and getting stressed over a contest I'm not fit for isn't helping. Most of it is because, well, I'm clearly not fit for it, both mentally and in actual performance.

Firstly, the last few contests prove I'm just spoiling it for other people. I've snapped at other users for not "getting" my work, I bloat the story counts unfairly to the point some people stop finding this fun, and I can't even comment without revealing I'm not much better at "unfairly" or "hilariously" misinterpreting other people's work.

Secondly, I don't have the right mindset for it. I hate commenting, because as soon as I've done it for one person I feel compelled to do it for everyone else, which gets taxing fast. I can't control my word limits for those comments, never mind the fics: I feel like half the job's a cruel amputation of scenes I worked on. I get confused and irritated when I see mixed opinions. And I'm jealous as hell over everyone who does better than me, however shitty that attitude of mine is.

Thirdly, I know the point is to get better, but I feel like I'm getting worse. It's got to a point I hate merely thinking of writing anything, because I'll cock something up sooner or later. I only won this gold medal by accident - my other three entries prove as much - and that's just not a good sign. Miller should've won it instead; he's the more consistent writer.

I had planned to come back initially, for the next contest. But I don't feel capable of doing this again. When it also gets to the point I'm a notorious punchline on the Discord channel, I just can't muster up the old willpower and continue anymore. I got a few fics out of the experience, but my way of getting there was so painful and mismanaged I don't feel it was worth it.

So I'm doing the sensible thing and leaving. Thanks to everyone who commented; I'm sorry to you in particular for my being such an ungrateful brat of a contestant, but I really do appreciate the time and effort involved. To the regulars who keep going and enjoy the experience, I say more power to you, and I sincerely wish I was one of you.

>>BlueChameleonVI
As with any relationship, the love of writing can be a fickle thing. One day you want to give it the world, the next day you want to kick it in the teeth. Yet, at the end of the day, our instinct brings us back to the page. We writers keep coming back to writing because, in spite of our better judgement, there's really no other sensible option. I'm sorry your write-off experience has been one of the "rougher patches" in your relationship, and I wish you all the best.

>>Rocket Lawn Chair

Too true. Thank you for your kind words.

>>BlueChameleonVI
That sucks to hear, man. The way I see it, you’ve demonstrated a pretty immense talent for writing, both in terms of volume and overall quality. I think there’s been a disconnect on the question of “intended use” versus what the rules permit as it relates to the workshop aspect of the contest, but I still think it’s a credit to you that you were able to tip the scales enough to trigger that discussion.

tl;dr: I understand what you’re saying but I think it would be a bummer to lose you.