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Like Ships in the Night
Within seconds of being woken by the distress alarm, Kwon Mu-Hak was in a cold sweat. Heart thumping in his chest, he pulled himself to the cockpit. As he strapped himself into the pilot seat, he took in the monocolor displays flashing around him.
A ship—small, G-type, like his—broadcasting an eighty-two-hour-old distress call. Bearing, 58 degrees; carom, 132 degrees. Almost thirteen million klicks. NATO-Cathay ID number G-1138, designated Einsam.
With butterflies in his stomach, Mu-Hak tapped the touch screen icon to hail them. Then he realized that he forgot his headset.
She was already talking by the time he got the earpiece on.
“—electrical fire, complete failure of primary and secondary life support systems,” said the voice in a nearly panicked rapid-fire. “Tertiary systems were depleted almost six hours ago. I repeat, service vessel Einsam declaring emergency. Crew of one in need of immediate assistance.”
“Eins—” Mu-Hak coughed. His voice was coarse and dry from disuse. And his English sounded secondhand, even to his own ears. “Einsam, I read you. I’m forty-two light-ticks away. Do you require me to approach?”
There was the transmission lag, that Mu-Hak counted with too-fast heartbeats.
“Yes! I need to dock. I am… I am out of air.”
Mu-Hak had heard urban legends of metch dealers hijacking small boats with a falsified distress signal. But they were just stories, he decided.
“Einsam, I’m coming,” he said, as he keyed in an approach vector. The engines pivoted and lurched, their momentum pushing him against his seat as they burned. “My ETA to a relative zero V-prime position is twelve-point-two hours.”
“I read you. But… who is this? The fire killed my transponder receiver.”
A wave of embarrassment. He should have introduced himself.
“This is courier vessel, G-2267, designated Beloved. Crew of one. No EVA suits on board.”
“Mine was lost in the fire. What are your docking protocols, Beloved?”
“Transtech-spec G-type standard. No secondaries.”
“Shit. I have a funnel, but I think the fire got a piece of it,” said Einsam. “I… I don’t know if we can dock.”
“We can try,” said Mu-Hak.
“Yes, we can.” She sounded drained.
“Can… I provide assistance in any other way?” Mu-Hak didn’t know what else to say.
“Yeah,” said the lonely voice. “Can you talk… talk to me? While you approach?”
Mu-Hak almost wanted to say no. He almost wanted to tell her to conserve her oxygen. And his throat was already getting very sore from speech.
“Yes,” he finally said. “If you want, we can talk.”
“Mah… Hack? Am I saying that right?”
“Yes, that’s close enough.”
“Oh, gosh, I messed up, didn’t I?”
“Not really. I would still answer to it, I think.”
“No, you need to tell me how to say it right. Because I used to care a lot about my name. When I was little, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“My name’s Caroline. But I'd let my friends call me Lina. Only my friends, though. I was picky about it.”
“Well, Caroline, my name’s Mu-Hak. ‘Mu’ like a cow, ‘Hak’ like hockey.”
“Nice to meet you, Mu-Hak.”
"And nice to meet you, Lina."
"Ha, I'll let you get away with that. Just... this one... one time, though."
"Caroline, can you breathe?"
"Yeah. Yes. I'm okay, Mu-Hak."
Mu-Hak watched as the speck in his dinner-plate-sized viewport grew into a shape. Though the distance between them closed, Einsam’s voice became fainter, and pauses more frequent.
He tried to tell a funny story to cheer her up—the story of how his boat was named. And for a second, when she laughed, he smiled, because her laugh was like music.
But when she struggled to catch her breath moments later, his guilt redoubled.
Even when Einsam was close enough for Mu-Hak to read the markings on the hull, it was still an agonizing hour before their ships precisely matched velocities.
“Einsam,” he said, when the time was finally right. “I’m here. Deploy your funnel.”
There was no response on the coms. For several creeping seconds, Mu-Hak waited.
“Einsam, can you deploy your funnel?”
For a minute that felt like an hour, Mu-Hak watched through his viewport, waiting to see Einsam begin docking.
“Eins—” Mu-Hak coughed. His voice was hoarse from overuse. “Caroline, are you there?”
His eyes were glued to Einsam’s docking capillary, waiting for it to extend. Mu-Hak knew it would be silent, but still his ears strained for any sound, reflexively.
“We can still try. Deploy your funnel, Lina.”
She never did.
A ship—small, G-type, like his—broadcasting an eighty-two-hour-old distress call. Bearing, 58 degrees; carom, 132 degrees. Almost thirteen million klicks. NATO-Cathay ID number G-1138, designated Einsam.
With butterflies in his stomach, Mu-Hak tapped the touch screen icon to hail them. Then he realized that he forgot his headset.
She was already talking by the time he got the earpiece on.
“—electrical fire, complete failure of primary and secondary life support systems,” said the voice in a nearly panicked rapid-fire. “Tertiary systems were depleted almost six hours ago. I repeat, service vessel Einsam declaring emergency. Crew of one in need of immediate assistance.”
“Eins—” Mu-Hak coughed. His voice was coarse and dry from disuse. And his English sounded secondhand, even to his own ears. “Einsam, I read you. I’m forty-two light-ticks away. Do you require me to approach?”
There was the transmission lag, that Mu-Hak counted with too-fast heartbeats.
“Yes! I need to dock. I am… I am out of air.”
Mu-Hak had heard urban legends of metch dealers hijacking small boats with a falsified distress signal. But they were just stories, he decided.
“Einsam, I’m coming,” he said, as he keyed in an approach vector. The engines pivoted and lurched, their momentum pushing him against his seat as they burned. “My ETA to a relative zero V-prime position is twelve-point-two hours.”
“I read you. But… who is this? The fire killed my transponder receiver.”
A wave of embarrassment. He should have introduced himself.
“This is courier vessel, G-2267, designated Beloved. Crew of one. No EVA suits on board.”
“Mine was lost in the fire. What are your docking protocols, Beloved?”
“Transtech-spec G-type standard. No secondaries.”
“Shit. I have a funnel, but I think the fire got a piece of it,” said Einsam. “I… I don’t know if we can dock.”
“We can try,” said Mu-Hak.
“Yes, we can.” She sounded drained.
“Can… I provide assistance in any other way?” Mu-Hak didn’t know what else to say.
“Yeah,” said the lonely voice. “Can you talk… talk to me? While you approach?”
Mu-Hak almost wanted to say no. He almost wanted to tell her to conserve her oxygen. And his throat was already getting very sore from speech.
“Yes,” he finally said. “If you want, we can talk.”
“Mah… Hack? Am I saying that right?”
“Yes, that’s close enough.”
“Oh, gosh, I messed up, didn’t I?”
“Not really. I would still answer to it, I think.”
“No, you need to tell me how to say it right. Because I used to care a lot about my name. When I was little, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“My name’s Caroline. But I'd let my friends call me Lina. Only my friends, though. I was picky about it.”
“Well, Caroline, my name’s Mu-Hak. ‘Mu’ like a cow, ‘Hak’ like hockey.”
“Nice to meet you, Mu-Hak.”
"And nice to meet you, Lina."
"Ha, I'll let you get away with that. Just... this one... one time, though."
"Caroline, can you breathe?"
"Yeah. Yes. I'm okay, Mu-Hak."
Mu-Hak watched as the speck in his dinner-plate-sized viewport grew into a shape. Though the distance between them closed, Einsam’s voice became fainter, and pauses more frequent.
He tried to tell a funny story to cheer her up—the story of how his boat was named. And for a second, when she laughed, he smiled, because her laugh was like music.
But when she struggled to catch her breath moments later, his guilt redoubled.
Even when Einsam was close enough for Mu-Hak to read the markings on the hull, it was still an agonizing hour before their ships precisely matched velocities.
“Einsam,” he said, when the time was finally right. “I’m here. Deploy your funnel.”
There was no response on the coms. For several creeping seconds, Mu-Hak waited.
“Einsam, can you deploy your funnel?”
For a minute that felt like an hour, Mu-Hak watched through his viewport, waiting to see Einsam begin docking.
“Eins—” Mu-Hak coughed. His voice was hoarse from overuse. “Caroline, are you there?”
His eyes were glued to Einsam’s docking capillary, waiting for it to extend. Mu-Hak knew it would be silent, but still his ears strained for any sound, reflexively.
“We can still try. Deploy your funnel, Lina.”
She never did.
Pics
It's not totally clear where this story is taking place, author. On water, underwater, or in space. "Boats" makes me think it's on water, but the lack of oxygen makes me think it's the other two. I'm guessing it's space, but I probably shouldn't be guessing.
I also felt that there was too much techno babble at the beginning for me to get hooked into the story. Some people really like that, but probably only when they know what you're saying. I felt lost.
I thought the second scene was nice, though, despite the talking heads.
Thanks for writing!
I also felt that there was too much techno babble at the beginning for me to get hooked into the story. Some people really like that, but probably only when they know what you're saying. I felt lost.
I thought the second scene was nice, though, despite the talking heads.
Thanks for writing!
>>Miller Minus
I think the thirteen-gigameter distance, “light-ticks”, life support, EVA, etc. make the space setting pretty clear. :-)
I think the thirteen-gigameter distance, “light-ticks”, life support, EVA, etc. make the space setting pretty clear. :-)
>>Light_Striker
Ah, I figured there had to be something in there. Thanks!
Still, author, this story takes place in SPACE! Settings are more than just numbers and life support systems.
Ah, I figured there had to be something in there. Thanks!
Still, author, this story takes place in SPACE! Settings are more than just numbers and life support systems.
Alternate Title: Elite Dangerous 2: Even More Dangerous
At first I thought this was going to be a military sci-fi story, but it turned out to be more just plain old sci-fi. Which is fine (okay, the technobabble scattered throughout isn't very fine, and it constantly took me out of the story, but at least there's no gun fetishism), and unlike some other people in the comments I understood right away that this is taking place in space.
I'm sorry, Miller-kun, please forgive me.
What isn't so understandable is the why of the situation. Why in space? I'm assuming because air is more important in a place where you don't get any, but this could happening on like the moon. Or an alien planet.
Not saying it has to be one of those, but if a reader isn't sure if your story happens in space, you might want to clarify; add some details that make it feel specific to that setting. Space is pretty special, y'know. We only have one of those.
That sounded weird. Anyway, the real elephant in the room with this story, for me, is that I found myself often detached from it, partly because of the technobabble, partly because there's little to no context for what's happening, partly because the characters only interact for a small portion of it...
It's a shame, because putting that aside I'm kind of fond of this entry. It reminds me of stuff I liked to write in middle school and high school, but if I had a far better grasp on grammar and style at the time. And unlike the "Angry/Depressed Monologue" type of story I'm actually glad to see this kind of thing again.
It's somewhat generic, although that's in large part due to the last of context, but something can be interesting and also derivative if it's written in a compelling-enough way.
The dialogue-heavy segment, brief as it is, shows a glimpse of a very solid space drama that I hope to see someday.
Hopefully.
At first I thought this was going to be a military sci-fi story, but it turned out to be more just plain old sci-fi. Which is fine (okay, the technobabble scattered throughout isn't very fine, and it constantly took me out of the story, but at least there's no gun fetishism), and unlike some other people in the comments I understood right away that this is taking place in space.
I'm sorry, Miller-kun, please forgive me.
What isn't so understandable is the why of the situation. Why in space? I'm assuming because air is more important in a place where you don't get any, but this could happening on like the moon. Or an alien planet.
Not saying it has to be one of those, but if a reader isn't sure if your story happens in space, you might want to clarify; add some details that make it feel specific to that setting. Space is pretty special, y'know. We only have one of those.
That sounded weird. Anyway, the real elephant in the room with this story, for me, is that I found myself often detached from it, partly because of the technobabble, partly because there's little to no context for what's happening, partly because the characters only interact for a small portion of it...
It's a shame, because putting that aside I'm kind of fond of this entry. It reminds me of stuff I liked to write in middle school and high school, but if I had a far better grasp on grammar and style at the time. And unlike the "Angry/Depressed Monologue" type of story I'm actually glad to see this kind of thing again.
It's somewhat generic, although that's in large part due to the last of context, but something can be interesting and also derivative if it's written in a compelling-enough way.
The dialogue-heavy segment, brief as it is, shows a glimpse of a very solid space drama that I hope to see someday.
Hopefully.
Bottom slate for technobabble. If you don't flux the quantum processors and do a reverse-interlace molecular inversion, that's what happens!
Joking aside, this story very much reminds me of... well, it is a story that is not uncommonly told, but in this case it specifically reminds me of the Deep Space Nine episode, "The Sound of Her Voice." What does that have to do with my review? I dunno, really. It just puts me in mind. It is a good episode.
I think the core issue I have here is that this is very much the archetypal version of this story. Person in distress, clearly cannot be reached in time, try anyway, arrive too late. Do a little bonding to make the feels bad at the end. And I obviously have no issues with archetypal stories. I certainly write my fair share of them here. It is just that this one hews so closely to what I'd consider the outline for this story type that I have a hard time really engaging with it rather than seeing it for what it is structually. This could be averted, but I think it requires refocusing the story on the characters and just really getting in there on that drama.
It is worth nothing that I do stumble a bit in that they appear to be talking actively and we go from that to "she's dead" without any real intervening thing. If they really were talking that much shouldn't she have basically died on radio? And honestly, that might be worth leaning into. I assume it probably isn't a super new way to handle this type of story, but her dying on the line with him would probably be a bit more compelling.
Thanks for writing!
Joking aside, this story very much reminds me of... well, it is a story that is not uncommonly told, but in this case it specifically reminds me of the Deep Space Nine episode, "The Sound of Her Voice." What does that have to do with my review? I dunno, really. It just puts me in mind. It is a good episode.
I think the core issue I have here is that this is very much the archetypal version of this story. Person in distress, clearly cannot be reached in time, try anyway, arrive too late. Do a little bonding to make the feels bad at the end. And I obviously have no issues with archetypal stories. I certainly write my fair share of them here. It is just that this one hews so closely to what I'd consider the outline for this story type that I have a hard time really engaging with it rather than seeing it for what it is structually. This could be averted, but I think it requires refocusing the story on the characters and just really getting in there on that drama.
It is worth nothing that I do stumble a bit in that they appear to be talking actively and we go from that to "she's dead" without any real intervening thing. If they really were talking that much shouldn't she have basically died on radio? And honestly, that might be worth leaning into. I assume it probably isn't a super new way to handle this type of story, but her dying on the line with him would probably be a bit more compelling.
Thanks for writing!
The idea behind this story is neat, but unfortunately, the execution just isn't up to the premise. Moments like this-
-are fairly ham-fisted, and they give the story an exposition-heavy tone. It feels like cheesy 80s sci-fi, but without any of the campy charm. If the author intends to rewrite it, I'd strongly advise them to focus on showing instead of telling.
Mu-Hak had heard urban legends of metch dealers hijacking small boats with a falsified distress signal. But they were just stories, he decided.
-are fairly ham-fisted, and they give the story an exposition-heavy tone. It feels like cheesy 80s sci-fi, but without any of the campy charm. If the author intends to rewrite it, I'd strongly advise them to focus on showing instead of telling.
Post by
Bachiavellian
, deleted
Big congrats to our winners, and to all our participants, as always!
Retrospective: Like Ships in the Night
So, this was the story that everyone didn't like, but made it halfway up the finals slate anyway. Writeoff, go home, you're drunk.
Anyways, so I guess I could have done a bit of a better job with conveying that this story was intended to be a light-heated romantic comedy.
... Well, kinda, to be actually honest.
Like I said in my review of Alone, I really liked the feeling it gave out, which to me was one of resigned isolation. Going from there, I kind of wanted to write a story about isolated people finding one another, and since I'm a hopeless nerd it absolutely had to happen in Space™ (just like basically all of my other OF entries).
My original thought was to make this a reflection of common romance tropes. Hence, why we have butterflies in the stomach, awkward introductions, staying up all night talking, and the super-fucking-duper ham-fisted ship names. That way, the whole thing is kind of meant to be a metaphor about finding love. In my first outlines, Mu-Hak actually saves Lina, but I realized that I just didn't have the wordcount to give that plan justice. So I went back and re-contextualized the whole thing to try to make it more like a tragic love story.
And I thought all of this went over everyone's head, until I saw this in the chat:
So, apparently Cass is no stranger to apotheosis and is now just a straight-up god at figuring out authorial intent. Where do I present my tithes?
Regarding the technobabble that everyone apparently disliked, I'm just gonna say that I, personally, really like sci-fi talk as long as it isn't done meaninglessly or to deliberately/cheaply simplify plot points. So, I thought it'd be atmospheric to put all that stuff in. Apparently, though, it looks like I overdid it. :(
One bit of nerdy trivia, though, is that I stole the positioning system used in the very beginning from the Battlestar Galactica reboot. "Bearing" is a real-world naval measurement of direction, measured in 360 degrees horizontally around a ship. Battlestar Galactica ingeniously added "carom" (which is a billiards term for "bounce" or "rebound") to describe a 180 degree vertical measurement of direction. Together, with distance, they allow for denoting exact relative positions in 3D. Fun, fun, fun!
Finally, >>Pascoite gave me a lot of help with his Mentor gig. He actually cut down a lot of the techno-talk that was in my first draft, and had me write that middle scene that everyone seemed to like the most. So yeah, he's wonderful. :)
Okay, on to responses!
>>Miller Minus
You have no idea how much nervous hair-pulling I did during the day before >>Light_Striker explained it. Because if the readers can't tell that it's in Space™, then what's the point of it all!?
But still, thank you very much for your thoughts! I know that technobable isn't everyone's cup of tea, and it's good to be able to gauge how much it impacts readers that don't have my particular tastes.
>>No_Raisin
To answer, "Why Space™?", it's because space is lonelier than planets and or moons or oceans. It's just about as close as you can get to having absolutely nothing else but the sound of another person's voice. And I really wish I had made that a bigger focus of the story.
Thank you very much for your review!
>>AndrewRogue
... Am I still allowed to keep my Nerd Card if I admit that I've only seen TOS and NG?
Yeah, I kind of noticed the pacing hiccup around Lina's death only in hindsight. To explain, like I said, originally the story didn't have the 2nd scene at all, so it kind of transitioned directly from the "telling a funny story" bit (which was deliberately done in a detached, dialogue-less 3rd person) to the death reveal. Since the 2nd scene establishes some direct talk between Lina and Mu-Hak, I think it kind of threw off the reader expectations and pacing for the 3rd scene.
.... I think.
Appreciate the review!
>>GaPJaxie
I really should have listened to Pasco and axed that bit altogether.
But yes, ham-fisted is the name of the game, here. I really feel that my OF stories ping-pong from being blatantly cliche to being absolutely indecipherable. Still trying to find that balance, I guess. :P
Thank you very much for your thoughts!
Retrospective: Like Ships in the Night
So, this was the story that everyone didn't like, but made it halfway up the finals slate anyway. Writeoff, go home, you're drunk.
Anyways, so I guess I could have done a bit of a better job with conveying that this story was intended to be a light-heated romantic comedy.
... Well, kinda, to be actually honest.
Like I said in my review of Alone, I really liked the feeling it gave out, which to me was one of resigned isolation. Going from there, I kind of wanted to write a story about isolated people finding one another, and since I'm a hopeless nerd it absolutely had to happen in Space™ (just like basically all of my other OF entries).
My original thought was to make this a reflection of common romance tropes. Hence, why we have butterflies in the stomach, awkward introductions, staying up all night talking, and the super-fucking-duper ham-fisted ship names. That way, the whole thing is kind of meant to be a metaphor about finding love. In my first outlines, Mu-Hak actually saves Lina, but I realized that I just didn't have the wordcount to give that plan justice. So I went back and re-contextualized the whole thing to try to make it more like a tragic love story.
And I thought all of this went over everyone's head, until I saw this in the chat:
CassiusLast Sunday at 6:58 PM
if the character interactions were a little bit more focused and the chemistry between MooCow and Caroline was a bit more fleshed out, it would be a really killer entry.
There's a lovely contrast of really hitting it off with a person and wanting to get to know them better, while being very lonely and afraid (i.e. needing someone to talk to), while also being under pressure to not say anything because of the situation.(edited)
a longer entry could have had more dramatic tension(edited)
CassiusLast Sunday at 7:12 PM
sort of like a Meet Cute except someone is slowly suffocating to death and there's nothing you can do to save them except try and make them feel better
but I digress
So, apparently Cass is no stranger to apotheosis and is now just a straight-up god at figuring out authorial intent. Where do I present my tithes?
Regarding the technobabble that everyone apparently disliked, I'm just gonna say that I, personally, really like sci-fi talk as long as it isn't done meaninglessly or to deliberately/cheaply simplify plot points. So, I thought it'd be atmospheric to put all that stuff in. Apparently, though, it looks like I overdid it. :(
One bit of nerdy trivia, though, is that I stole the positioning system used in the very beginning from the Battlestar Galactica reboot. "Bearing" is a real-world naval measurement of direction, measured in 360 degrees horizontally around a ship. Battlestar Galactica ingeniously added "carom" (which is a billiards term for "bounce" or "rebound") to describe a 180 degree vertical measurement of direction. Together, with distance, they allow for denoting exact relative positions in 3D. Fun, fun, fun!
Finally, >>Pascoite gave me a lot of help with his Mentor gig. He actually cut down a lot of the techno-talk that was in my first draft, and had me write that middle scene that everyone seemed to like the most. So yeah, he's wonderful. :)
Okay, on to responses!
>>Miller Minus
You have no idea how much nervous hair-pulling I did during the day before >>Light_Striker explained it. Because if the readers can't tell that it's in Space™, then what's the point of it all!?
But still, thank you very much for your thoughts! I know that technobable isn't everyone's cup of tea, and it's good to be able to gauge how much it impacts readers that don't have my particular tastes.
>>No_Raisin
To answer, "Why Space™?", it's because space is lonelier than planets and or moons or oceans. It's just about as close as you can get to having absolutely nothing else but the sound of another person's voice. And I really wish I had made that a bigger focus of the story.
Thank you very much for your review!
>>AndrewRogue
... Am I still allowed to keep my Nerd Card if I admit that I've only seen TOS and NG?
Yeah, I kind of noticed the pacing hiccup around Lina's death only in hindsight. To explain, like I said, originally the story didn't have the 2nd scene at all, so it kind of transitioned directly from the "telling a funny story" bit (which was deliberately done in a detached, dialogue-less 3rd person) to the death reveal. Since the 2nd scene establishes some direct talk between Lina and Mu-Hak, I think it kind of threw off the reader expectations and pacing for the 3rd scene.
.... I think.
Appreciate the review!
>>GaPJaxie
I really should have listened to Pasco and axed that bit altogether.
But yes, ham-fisted is the name of the game, here. I really feel that my OF stories ping-pong from being blatantly cliche to being absolutely indecipherable. Still trying to find that balance, I guess. :P
Thank you very much for your thoughts!