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Too Pure by Half
Tavo would have thought his mentor Kavarn would be happier to receive such a fine gift from his apprentice. “Do you like it?”
“Like it?” Kavarn echoed, his expression unreadable, even by dwarf standards.
“Yeah, I closed up the smithy early yesterday after you left and worked through the night on it. I thought a sword would be a good way to show how far my skills have come these past few years.”
Kavarn simply grunted as he idly took a couple of swings at the open air. He stared at it for a moment, then heaved a great sigh.
“Ye really are the village idiot, aren’t ye, boy?”
With a casual flick of his wrist, Kavarn shattered the blade against the nearby quenching barrel.
After a long while, Tavo found wits enough to speak. “How... why did it do that? I did everything right!”
Kavarn snorted. “Sure, would even have been a decent weapon, if ye’d actually used iron in the making.” His expression darkened. “Where’d ye get the billet to make it?”
Sweat greased Tavo’s palms. “I, uh, from the lockbox in the storage room.”
“The one I’ve told ye to stay out of.”
“... Yes.”
Kavarn stared at Tavo.
“I made sure not to touch the mithril, or the silver, I swear! I thought this was just a higher purity iron–”
A sharp bark of laughter startled Tavo into silence. “Purity! Purity, he says!” Kavarn shook his head, then said, “That was an elfglass billet ye used, boy. It doesn’t get much purer than that.”
The lad’s jaw fell open as the full weight of his mistake rolled over him. “But elfglass is shiny!”
“Gods above,” the dwarf swore as he clenched his fists. “It’s shiny because ye gotta alloy it with steel in order to make it worth somethin’! Or mithril, if ye’re bein’ fancible. It’s what makes enchantments stick to those metals like feathers stick to pitch! Pure elfglass, on the other hand”–he raised his fist and let the now-crumbled remains of the hilt and wrapping fall to the floor like sand–“is worthless once it’s been forged.”
Silence ruled once more, as now Tavo was too frightened to speak.
After several long, uncomfortable moments, Kavarn went to a nearby closet and pulled out a broom. “An elfglass billet runs about a thousand gold. Ye’ll remain an apprentice at this shop until ye’ve paid off yer debt.”
Tavo’s mind reeled. At a silver a day, that would take... “That’ll be twenty years from now!”
“Twenty-seven.” Kavarn handed Tavo the broom, then backhanded him hard enough to knock him to the floor. “Get to sweeping. I’m goin’ to the tavern and drinkin’ ‘til I forget how badly I want tae skin ye alive. I best be able to see meself in the floor when I get back.”
With that, Kavarn left, and slammed the door to the shop behind him.
Tavo took his time hauling himself to his feet. He wiped a pair of tears away with his sleeve, then set about sweeping up the fragmented remnants of his hopes and dreams into a dustpan.
“Like it?” Kavarn echoed, his expression unreadable, even by dwarf standards.
“Yeah, I closed up the smithy early yesterday after you left and worked through the night on it. I thought a sword would be a good way to show how far my skills have come these past few years.”
Kavarn simply grunted as he idly took a couple of swings at the open air. He stared at it for a moment, then heaved a great sigh.
“Ye really are the village idiot, aren’t ye, boy?”
With a casual flick of his wrist, Kavarn shattered the blade against the nearby quenching barrel.
After a long while, Tavo found wits enough to speak. “How... why did it do that? I did everything right!”
Kavarn snorted. “Sure, would even have been a decent weapon, if ye’d actually used iron in the making.” His expression darkened. “Where’d ye get the billet to make it?”
Sweat greased Tavo’s palms. “I, uh, from the lockbox in the storage room.”
“The one I’ve told ye to stay out of.”
“... Yes.”
Kavarn stared at Tavo.
“I made sure not to touch the mithril, or the silver, I swear! I thought this was just a higher purity iron–”
A sharp bark of laughter startled Tavo into silence. “Purity! Purity, he says!” Kavarn shook his head, then said, “That was an elfglass billet ye used, boy. It doesn’t get much purer than that.”
The lad’s jaw fell open as the full weight of his mistake rolled over him. “But elfglass is shiny!”
“Gods above,” the dwarf swore as he clenched his fists. “It’s shiny because ye gotta alloy it with steel in order to make it worth somethin’! Or mithril, if ye’re bein’ fancible. It’s what makes enchantments stick to those metals like feathers stick to pitch! Pure elfglass, on the other hand”–he raised his fist and let the now-crumbled remains of the hilt and wrapping fall to the floor like sand–“is worthless once it’s been forged.”
Silence ruled once more, as now Tavo was too frightened to speak.
After several long, uncomfortable moments, Kavarn went to a nearby closet and pulled out a broom. “An elfglass billet runs about a thousand gold. Ye’ll remain an apprentice at this shop until ye’ve paid off yer debt.”
Tavo’s mind reeled. At a silver a day, that would take... “That’ll be twenty years from now!”
“Twenty-seven.” Kavarn handed Tavo the broom, then backhanded him hard enough to knock him to the floor. “Get to sweeping. I’m goin’ to the tavern and drinkin’ ‘til I forget how badly I want tae skin ye alive. I best be able to see meself in the floor when I get back.”
With that, Kavarn left, and slammed the door to the shop behind him.
Tavo took his time hauling himself to his feet. He wiped a pair of tears away with his sleeve, then set about sweeping up the fragmented remnants of his hopes and dreams into a dustpan.
Pics
Ahem. I’m not really into fantasy these days. But, even though, the story is quite bland. I mean, there’s no real plot or real stake. It just a mi-stake (rimshot!), and we’re done. You could’ve used the extra words to give a sort of background or some other information about the characters. As it is now, I don’t really see why I should care or get invested in both of them, unfortunately.
Let's talk characters.
Tavo is a poor idiot apprentice who is not very good at being an apprentice and wishes he had his teacher's acceptance. It's obvious what you want the reader to feel from him: you want us to feel sorry, and hope things go well for him. Even better, it would be nice if we saw him succeed against expectations. That unfortunately doesn't happen, but just having us want it to happen is enough to engage us.
But then there's Kavarn. Remember how I said we want to see Tavo come around? Well, here is his master, being incredibly rude to him, and even going so far as to physically abuse him. Of course, if he were a villain this could work. But I don't think villainy is what you were going for with his character, since he's cracking jokes.
It's a tone problem, at the end of the day. Was it comedy you were aiming for? Because comedy is hard to do when a character we like is being backhanded to the floor for trying to do something nice. And most other genres are lost due to Kavarn's jovial attitude.
It's great dialogue, though! Like Samey says, if this were part of something much larger it could be just fine, but viewed as its own story it's tough to really grab hold of.
Thanks for writing, though, and good luck!
Tavo is a poor idiot apprentice who is not very good at being an apprentice and wishes he had his teacher's acceptance. It's obvious what you want the reader to feel from him: you want us to feel sorry, and hope things go well for him. Even better, it would be nice if we saw him succeed against expectations. That unfortunately doesn't happen, but just having us want it to happen is enough to engage us.
But then there's Kavarn. Remember how I said we want to see Tavo come around? Well, here is his master, being incredibly rude to him, and even going so far as to physically abuse him. Of course, if he were a villain this could work. But I don't think villainy is what you were going for with his character, since he's cracking jokes.
It's a tone problem, at the end of the day. Was it comedy you were aiming for? Because comedy is hard to do when a character we like is being backhanded to the floor for trying to do something nice. And most other genres are lost due to Kavarn's jovial attitude.
It's great dialogue, though! Like Samey says, if this were part of something much larger it could be just fine, but viewed as its own story it's tough to really grab hold of.
Thanks for writing, though, and good luck!
Bottom slate for barging into my territory of archetypal fantasy. That's what I do in the Writeoff, stop stealing. =( =( =(
All jokes aside, I want to say I disagree with a lot of the critiques above. What I think is the core problem is that you do not have a complete story present. You have the back half of the climax and the denouement, but not the rest. Simply put, we're not given any chance to see the arc here for Kavarn, which I think is a real problem because him being a colossal fuck up is integral to the story and without really getting to see what leads him to make what is a series of very stupid decisions it is very hard to sympathize with him.
The door said keep out. Don't fuck with it man. You need to justify it if you're going to.
However, if you can build in and show us a reason why he'd do this, then it is much easier to land the emotional punch you were going for. I'm not quite sure you can manage the full arc in 750 words, but I feel you should be able to get something close if you kept the breaking of the sword and the (somewhat deserved) smackdown short and to the point.
Thanks for writing!
All jokes aside, I want to say I disagree with a lot of the critiques above. What I think is the core problem is that you do not have a complete story present. You have the back half of the climax and the denouement, but not the rest. Simply put, we're not given any chance to see the arc here for Kavarn, which I think is a real problem because him being a colossal fuck up is integral to the story and without really getting to see what leads him to make what is a series of very stupid decisions it is very hard to sympathize with him.
The door said keep out. Don't fuck with it man. You need to justify it if you're going to.
However, if you can build in and show us a reason why he'd do this, then it is much easier to land the emotional punch you were going for. I'm not quite sure you can manage the full arc in 750 words, but I feel you should be able to get something close if you kept the breaking of the sword and the (somewhat deserved) smackdown short and to the point.
Thanks for writing!
>>AndrewRogue
I agree with Andrew's comments about this being only half an arc, but in the other direction. What I feel you've given us here is the set-up and rising action, but not the climax or denouement.
The "twist" (I use that term loosely) here is that the sword Tavo labored over is actually shite. The way this is structured, it seems to be setting itself up for a second "twist" – one that redeems Tavo and possibly puts Kavarn in his place. But right now, Andrew and I agree that this is half an arc, waiting for a more complete story.
I agree with Andrew's comments about this being only half an arc, but in the other direction. What I feel you've given us here is the set-up and rising action, but not the climax or denouement.
The "twist" (I use that term loosely) here is that the sword Tavo labored over is actually shite. The way this is structured, it seems to be setting itself up for a second "twist" – one that redeems Tavo and possibly puts Kavarn in his place. But right now, Andrew and I agree that this is half an arc, waiting for a more complete story.
Alternate Title: The Dwarf's Apprentice
Something really weird happened to me upon reading this: I realized I had read this before, a few days ago, and I had totally forgotten about it.
That sounds pretty damning, but I'm not even sure what the fatal flaw of this entry is. It's written fine, I guess; I couldn't find any glaring grammatical errors in my second reading. I can tell these characters apart just by how they talk, so that's cool. Granted, these could easily be humans and not dwarfs, but I'll leave that up to word constraints.
But there's just not much to work with here. Tavo is implied to be "too pure by half," in that he's too nice and submissive to be a good dwarf, whatever that means. But he's so... boring. He doesn't have much going on, aside from this very archetypal relationship with his boss, who by the way is a very mean fellow.
Maybe that's what makes Kavarn a "good" dwarf, though I'm going off of how dwarfs are written in Lord of the Rings and not so much how this story actually portrays them.
I'm more on the side of old man Mono than the others, because I don't feel like there's a larger story here that isn't being told; it just feels like something that could happen on any given day, with no real importance attached to it.
I guess the big problem, the one that killed it for me, is that I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel. How am I supposed to feel about this, author? Don't tell me, obviously, but give me some tonal clues, some context, some story, something that'll get me emotionally attached to what's happening.
Most minifics tend to be emotionally stunted, due to the format, but this is a particularly strong case.
Something really weird happened to me upon reading this: I realized I had read this before, a few days ago, and I had totally forgotten about it.
That sounds pretty damning, but I'm not even sure what the fatal flaw of this entry is. It's written fine, I guess; I couldn't find any glaring grammatical errors in my second reading. I can tell these characters apart just by how they talk, so that's cool. Granted, these could easily be humans and not dwarfs, but I'll leave that up to word constraints.
But there's just not much to work with here. Tavo is implied to be "too pure by half," in that he's too nice and submissive to be a good dwarf, whatever that means. But he's so... boring. He doesn't have much going on, aside from this very archetypal relationship with his boss, who by the way is a very mean fellow.
Maybe that's what makes Kavarn a "good" dwarf, though I'm going off of how dwarfs are written in Lord of the Rings and not so much how this story actually portrays them.
I'm more on the side of old man Mono than the others, because I don't feel like there's a larger story here that isn't being told; it just feels like something that could happen on any given day, with no real importance attached to it.
I guess the big problem, the one that killed it for me, is that I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel. How am I supposed to feel about this, author? Don't tell me, obviously, but give me some tonal clues, some context, some story, something that'll get me emotionally attached to what's happening.
Most minifics tend to be emotionally stunted, due to the format, but this is a particularly strong case.