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Sibling Ribaldry
“You’re drunk.”
“No? No I’m not drunk, Joey, you’re drunk!”
“One of us has to drive, Gen,” Joseph flatly points out. Fingers anxiously drumming against the steering wheel, he sneaks a quick glance over to the short, sprightly bundle of septic joy that is his little sister in time to catch her pulling out yet another bottle from underneath the passenger seat. “Jesus, how many of those do you have in here?”
“Enough.” With a pop of the cork, the gurgles of a drowning goose fill the rattling car. “Green light.”
His sigh immediately gets lost in the sputters of the roaring engine. “Can’t believe we’re actually doing this.”
“Damn right we are.”
“Just remember that if we get caught, this was your dumb idea.”
“Hey, I’m drunk, not dumb,” Gen chortles with a hiccup and a playful slap at his arms. “Plus, we have experience, I’m pretty sure we won’t get caught!”
“We’re not kids anymore, Gen. We’re not as fast as we were before. Not to mention you look like you can barely stand up, much less run.”
“Fuck you, Joey!”
“Fuck you, Gen!”
“Not if I fuck you first!”
“Okay, fuck, you’re really drunk.”
“No I’m not!” She takes another swig from her bottle, only to realize it was empty. “Okay, fuck, maybe I am.”
With that knowledge, Gen winds down the window and flings the bottle out, cackling as it shatters against the pavement.
“Fuck’s sake.”
“Shut up. Keep driving.”
Joseph does just that, all the while wondering to himself how it all went wrong. It wasn’t the first time they’ve done something like this together, having once dabbled in the littlest of local crimes. As the years went by, however, he became the epitome of a success story, with a fancy job and a wife and two kids, never once looking back at everything he left behind.
Never once caring about all that transpired while he was away.
And now, he’s sauntering across a cemetery with drunk sister in one hand and a sledgehammer in the other.
It’s insanity, what they’re about to do. Nevertheless, she deserved her moment of catharsis, especially after everything she had to go through. It’s the only way he knew how to make up for the years he had spurned her, as wrong as her methods may be.
They quickly come upon a pair of gravestones, the one on the right their target. Joseph bites his lip as they approach it. On the other hand, the sapphire daggers in Gen’s glare is at its sharpest, the same which could be said for her grin.
“Hey Dad,” she speaks up. “It’s me. Joey’s here too.”
Joseph gives the grave a wave.
“Thought I’d stop by to pay you a visit for old’s time sake. A visit from Daddy’s little girl in the middle of the night, your favorite. Oh, and don’t worry about Joey here. I told him everything.”
Joseph clenches his fist. “Everything.”
“Down to the tiniest little detail~” she hums. Her grin fades immediately afterward. “Sledgehammer.”
“Here.”
“You like playing rough, don’t you Dad?” Gen grips onto the wooden handle. “Then you’re gonna love this.”
Every swing she dishes out seethes with the fury of a Norse god. Every crack of the stone, her laughter soars into the stars. “You like that, Dad?!” she screams midway. “You like burning in hell, you sack of shit?!”
One particularly strong swing later, the gravestone falls over with a thud. To that, Gen pumps a fist and lets out a triumphant roar down onto her father’s grave.
Only to double over and unload her Thanksgiving dinner.
“Fucking hell, Gen!” Joseph lunges over to help her up. “Told you you’re drunk.”
“Sh-Shut up,” she growls amid her coughs, before smiling up at him. “Did I do good?”
“You did better, in fact.” Joseph can’t help but smirk. “Pretty sure puking wasn’t on the agenda.”
“I’d piss on it instead, but you’re here.” Wiping her sweat and turning back to the defaced grave, Gen spits on it for good measure. “Happy Thanksgiving, Dad. Hope you enjoy the turkey, dipshit.”
The deed done, brother and sister waddle their way back to the car. “Just so you know,” Joseph speaks up midway, “you didn’t have to puke on Mom’s grave as well.”
Gen furrows her brows. “Mom was kind of a bitch though.”
Joseph pauses. “She kinda was, wasn’t she?” he remarks, snickering alongside her even as her grin widens.
“So, same thing next Thanksgiving?”
“No? No I’m not drunk, Joey, you’re drunk!”
“One of us has to drive, Gen,” Joseph flatly points out. Fingers anxiously drumming against the steering wheel, he sneaks a quick glance over to the short, sprightly bundle of septic joy that is his little sister in time to catch her pulling out yet another bottle from underneath the passenger seat. “Jesus, how many of those do you have in here?”
“Enough.” With a pop of the cork, the gurgles of a drowning goose fill the rattling car. “Green light.”
His sigh immediately gets lost in the sputters of the roaring engine. “Can’t believe we’re actually doing this.”
“Damn right we are.”
“Just remember that if we get caught, this was your dumb idea.”
“Hey, I’m drunk, not dumb,” Gen chortles with a hiccup and a playful slap at his arms. “Plus, we have experience, I’m pretty sure we won’t get caught!”
“We’re not kids anymore, Gen. We’re not as fast as we were before. Not to mention you look like you can barely stand up, much less run.”
“Fuck you, Joey!”
“Fuck you, Gen!”
“Not if I fuck you first!”
“Okay, fuck, you’re really drunk.”
“No I’m not!” She takes another swig from her bottle, only to realize it was empty. “Okay, fuck, maybe I am.”
With that knowledge, Gen winds down the window and flings the bottle out, cackling as it shatters against the pavement.
“Fuck’s sake.”
“Shut up. Keep driving.”
Joseph does just that, all the while wondering to himself how it all went wrong. It wasn’t the first time they’ve done something like this together, having once dabbled in the littlest of local crimes. As the years went by, however, he became the epitome of a success story, with a fancy job and a wife and two kids, never once looking back at everything he left behind.
Never once caring about all that transpired while he was away.
And now, he’s sauntering across a cemetery with drunk sister in one hand and a sledgehammer in the other.
It’s insanity, what they’re about to do. Nevertheless, she deserved her moment of catharsis, especially after everything she had to go through. It’s the only way he knew how to make up for the years he had spurned her, as wrong as her methods may be.
They quickly come upon a pair of gravestones, the one on the right their target. Joseph bites his lip as they approach it. On the other hand, the sapphire daggers in Gen’s glare is at its sharpest, the same which could be said for her grin.
“Hey Dad,” she speaks up. “It’s me. Joey’s here too.”
Joseph gives the grave a wave.
“Thought I’d stop by to pay you a visit for old’s time sake. A visit from Daddy’s little girl in the middle of the night, your favorite. Oh, and don’t worry about Joey here. I told him everything.”
Joseph clenches his fist. “Everything.”
“Down to the tiniest little detail~” she hums. Her grin fades immediately afterward. “Sledgehammer.”
“Here.”
“You like playing rough, don’t you Dad?” Gen grips onto the wooden handle. “Then you’re gonna love this.”
Every swing she dishes out seethes with the fury of a Norse god. Every crack of the stone, her laughter soars into the stars. “You like that, Dad?!” she screams midway. “You like burning in hell, you sack of shit?!”
One particularly strong swing later, the gravestone falls over with a thud. To that, Gen pumps a fist and lets out a triumphant roar down onto her father’s grave.
Only to double over and unload her Thanksgiving dinner.
“Fucking hell, Gen!” Joseph lunges over to help her up. “Told you you’re drunk.”
“Sh-Shut up,” she growls amid her coughs, before smiling up at him. “Did I do good?”
“You did better, in fact.” Joseph can’t help but smirk. “Pretty sure puking wasn’t on the agenda.”
“I’d piss on it instead, but you’re here.” Wiping her sweat and turning back to the defaced grave, Gen spits on it for good measure. “Happy Thanksgiving, Dad. Hope you enjoy the turkey, dipshit.”
The deed done, brother and sister waddle their way back to the car. “Just so you know,” Joseph speaks up midway, “you didn’t have to puke on Mom’s grave as well.”
Gen furrows her brows. “Mom was kind of a bitch though.”
Joseph pauses. “She kinda was, wasn’t she?” he remarks, snickering alongside her even as her grin widens.
“So, same thing next Thanksgiving?”
Pics
Alternate Title: I Puke on Your Grave
I'm assuming this is a comedy of sorts. I like the pun in the title, by the way, although I had to look up what "ribaldry" means because I'm illiterate. This is what we might call a story about family, in the loose sense that siblings pay their "respects" to their dead parents. I guess that counts as a family activity.
We're given two characters, Joey and Gen (I'm assuming that's short for Genevieve, which raises an eyebrow about who could've written this), and at first I couldn't tell them apart. Gen's distinguishing feature, in the context of the story, is that she's drunk off her rocker, and she also seems more sailor-mouthed than her brother.
That could just be the booze, though.
There is basically one joke in this story, that they accidentally kick over their father's tombstone. Does that count as vandalism, by the way? I think that's illegal. I'm gonna have to consult a lawyer (wink wink) about the legality of damaging a tombstone in a publicly owned graveyard.
This is a dialogue-driven story, so there's not much prose to judge. That's why I didn't bring up the actual writing until now. Because there isn't much of it that doesn't come out of a character's mouth. Aside from a couple arguable cases of tense confusion, though, this is pretty polished, at least in terms of grammar and such.
Whoever wrote this, and I have a couple ideas as to whom, might've been drunk or really tired, but also careful enough to give it a few passes. Even though there isn't much to be said about what actually happens in the story, unless I'm missing subtext that the author will correct me on, it's too solidly put-together to deserve lower than a mid-tier ranking in my opinion.
That sounds like an insult from how it's phrased, but it's actually a compliment, author.
Actually, I do have one more question. It seems like the siblings are "punishing" their father for touching Gen when she was younger, from what I can tell. That seems like something pretty cathartic, and a big deal for them, but then they act like they do this every year. What is their deal exactly? This is an area where we could've used more context.
I'm assuming this is a comedy of sorts. I like the pun in the title, by the way, although I had to look up what "ribaldry" means because I'm illiterate. This is what we might call a story about family, in the loose sense that siblings pay their "respects" to their dead parents. I guess that counts as a family activity.
We're given two characters, Joey and Gen (I'm assuming that's short for Genevieve, which raises an eyebrow about who could've written this), and at first I couldn't tell them apart. Gen's distinguishing feature, in the context of the story, is that she's drunk off her rocker, and she also seems more sailor-mouthed than her brother.
That could just be the booze, though.
There is basically one joke in this story, that they accidentally kick over their father's tombstone. Does that count as vandalism, by the way? I think that's illegal. I'm gonna have to consult a lawyer (wink wink) about the legality of damaging a tombstone in a publicly owned graveyard.
This is a dialogue-driven story, so there's not much prose to judge. That's why I didn't bring up the actual writing until now. Because there isn't much of it that doesn't come out of a character's mouth. Aside from a couple arguable cases of tense confusion, though, this is pretty polished, at least in terms of grammar and such.
Whoever wrote this, and I have a couple ideas as to whom, might've been drunk or really tired, but also careful enough to give it a few passes. Even though there isn't much to be said about what actually happens in the story, unless I'm missing subtext that the author will correct me on, it's too solidly put-together to deserve lower than a mid-tier ranking in my opinion.
That sounds like an insult from how it's phrased, but it's actually a compliment, author.
Actually, I do have one more question. It seems like the siblings are "punishing" their father for touching Gen when she was younger, from what I can tell. That seems like something pretty cathartic, and a big deal for them, but then they act like they do this every year. What is their deal exactly? This is an area where we could've used more context.
WORTHLESS REVIEWS (THE CONTINUATION THEREOF)
I could dispute what >>Cassius wrote. Cassius claims that the line “Not if I fuck you first!” suggests something had been going between the two siblings. The middle paragraph where the author explains how the brother's been deliberately severing their relation for years doesn’t seem to go this way, though. Also this could refer to their (alluded to) petty thefts. This is debatable.
Hmm… Anyways, as usual with such stories, the message delivered here is pretty strong. The real question is whether the whole scene is plausible or not, or, in other terms, if you really tried hard to put yourself in your protagonists' shoes or just pulled off a cliché. My answer is: I don’t know, but I would rather lend on the “half cliché” side.
However, what really ruins it to me is the last line. I know you had to find a clincher but the one you choose definitely doesn’t fit. I can’t really tell you why, but, as you said, this has to be a cathartic experience. Suggesting it can be done twice means it doesn’t fit the bill. It’s like it recasts the whole deed in a different context. I can’t be more precise, but there’s something definitely off there.
So, yeah, that’s that. Good effort, but needs slight refinement to be yet more effective.
I could dispute what >>Cassius wrote. Cassius claims that the line “Not if I fuck you first!” suggests something had been going between the two siblings. The middle paragraph where the author explains how the brother's been deliberately severing their relation for years doesn’t seem to go this way, though. Also this could refer to their (alluded to) petty thefts. This is debatable.
Hmm… Anyways, as usual with such stories, the message delivered here is pretty strong. The real question is whether the whole scene is plausible or not, or, in other terms, if you really tried hard to put yourself in your protagonists' shoes or just pulled off a cliché. My answer is: I don’t know, but I would rather lend on the “half cliché” side.
However, what really ruins it to me is the last line. I know you had to find a clincher but the one you choose definitely doesn’t fit. I can’t really tell you why, but, as you said, this has to be a cathartic experience. Suggesting it can be done twice means it doesn’t fit the bill. It’s like it recasts the whole deed in a different context. I can’t be more precise, but there’s something definitely off there.
So, yeah, that’s that. Good effort, but needs slight refinement to be yet more effective.
This story is very uncomfortable, and I certainly came away feeling uncomfortable, so mission success, I'd say.
But I'm also getting stuck on the message here, and what these characters are going through, because it's so, so unhealthy what they're doing. Which would be fine, except that this story is being presented as a story about healing. Making the most out of a bad situation. But they aren't in that situation anymore; they're dwelling on it, and acting like it's such a great idea.
Well, maybe not them. You are, Author, as far as I can tell. Whether you meant that or not.
But this is interesting, because if these two were my friends and they were telling me about this, I would just laugh with them and say, "Wow, that's awesome. Fuck that guy, for real." And you're supposed to make your reader want to be friends with the characters... but it doesn't work in story form, unfortunately.
But still, adept writing and a great display of talent, so I expect it to make finals. I just unfortunately have the same taste in my mouth as Gen does!
Thanks for writing!
But I'm also getting stuck on the message here, and what these characters are going through, because it's so, so unhealthy what they're doing. Which would be fine, except that this story is being presented as a story about healing. Making the most out of a bad situation. But they aren't in that situation anymore; they're dwelling on it, and acting like it's such a great idea.
Well, maybe not them. You are, Author, as far as I can tell. Whether you meant that or not.
But this is interesting, because if these two were my friends and they were telling me about this, I would just laugh with them and say, "Wow, that's awesome. Fuck that guy, for real." And you're supposed to make your reader want to be friends with the characters... but it doesn't work in story form, unfortunately.
But still, adept writing and a great display of talent, so I expect it to make finals. I just unfortunately have the same taste in my mouth as Gen does!
Thanks for writing!
I'm not sure why past commentators have felt this story implies brother/sister incest. I didn't get that vibe at all. They're clearly taking a trip to get revenge on their father for sexually abusing his daughter, and in light of such an emotionally charged moment, their unusual interactions make sense.
The ending is confusing and a bit weak, as it's not like they can smash his headstone every year (unless they keep paying to replace it). But with a few tweaks, this could be pretty good.
The ending is confusing and a bit weak, as it's not like they can smash his headstone every year (unless they keep paying to replace it). But with a few tweaks, this could be pretty good.
Bottom slate for "Not if I fuck you first!" Incest is not best. Do not put your sister to the test.
So I'd say the thing here is that, like many fics, this is more vignette and less story. Our viewpoint character is largely secondary to the action and, perhaps more importantly, his arc is already complete: he has decided to bring his sister to the graveyard. He has decided to go through with this plan. He already knows what it is all about. Etc. This is really just the end of several other stories.
And that... honestly kind makes the payoff a bit unsatisfying, because we don't get a real build up to it. The question is "what is the thing they are going to do" so the tension of the mystery being answered resolves... really before we actually reach the emotional peak of the story, leaving the end feeling a bit flaccid, if that makes sense.
Nevertheless, it is an entertaining enough romp, I just think it'd benefit from a little restructuring to better line it up both as a story and so that the emotional blow lands with the hammer swing.
Thanks for writing!
So I'd say the thing here is that, like many fics, this is more vignette and less story. Our viewpoint character is largely secondary to the action and, perhaps more importantly, his arc is already complete: he has decided to bring his sister to the graveyard. He has decided to go through with this plan. He already knows what it is all about. Etc. This is really just the end of several other stories.
And that... honestly kind makes the payoff a bit unsatisfying, because we don't get a real build up to it. The question is "what is the thing they are going to do" so the tension of the mystery being answered resolves... really before we actually reach the emotional peak of the story, leaving the end feeling a bit flaccid, if that makes sense.
Nevertheless, it is an entertaining enough romp, I just think it'd benefit from a little restructuring to better line it up both as a story and so that the emotional blow lands with the hammer swing.
Thanks for writing!
>>No_Raisin. >>Cassius, >>Monokeras, >>Miller Minus, >>GaPJaxie, >>AndrewRogue
So, this story was a mistake.
Basically, I had three versions of this story in my folder. The first was written more to outline the story proper, complete with a placeholder ending whose final line reads 'And that's why Ben Shapiro is a reptilian apologist.'
It's an objectively better ending than this one, I swear.
The second draft is an edited version of what you guys read up there, though really the only change would be the last line, which says "So, how about we do Mom's for Christmas?" or something along those lines. It probably clears up a lot more things on why I ended it the way I did. Nevertheless, even with that change, I wasn't exactly happy with what I got in the end, mostly because of the reasons that >>AndrewRogue put out there. (Andrew: 1, everyone else: 0)
The third draft was the one I intended to put up here. It's the one that omits the line that everyone found troublesome in the first place, so that's already a plus. It doesn't have more incest though, so I should apologize to Cass and everyone else interested. I'm open to bribes, however.
I'll just copypaste the True Ending here:
Honestly think this ending brings a lot more interesting things to the table. Not sure if it solves all the issues you guys mentioned—I think it does have its own share of problems—but it's my preferred ending over what you guys got.
Now, onwards to individual responses:
>>No_Raisin
It was initially written as a comedy, I think, but I did a bit of backpedaling on that front. Yes, it counts as vandalism. Also, yes, I was really tired.
>>Cassius
I snickered every time you brought it up in chat.
>>Monokeras
You got that 'deliberately severing their relationship' and 'petty thefts' part of the story that Cassius missed, so yay! I would say though, that line definitely could be worded better. Imagining it in context, it just felt like something the sister would say in her drunken stupor to both flip the bird at him and weird him (and everyone else) out.
I wasn't really thinking about what message the story was sending when I wrote this version of the story, or whether it would be believable, to be honest. It just felt like it would be fun writing something quirky, to which I can safely say I did.
>>Miller Minus
Mission accomplished. Also, I can safely say that I'm not going around knocking over gravestones with a sledgehammer.
Regarding their situation, I think when I wrote this, I always pictured that the dad's death was pretty recent and completely failed to translate that into the story in any way, so that one's on me. I don't think I was writing this to make them sympathetic though. The situation they were in, yes, but not their behavior.
>>GaPJaxie
It's Cassius's fault.
>>AndrewRogue
Can't agree more. My gripe with this draft had always been "Why is Joseph even here in the first place?" and I wanted his presence here to be a lot more self-serving than just helping a sister out. Thus, the third draft was conceived, but alas, I'm a dummy.
All in all, thanks for the comments! Appreciate it!
So, this story was a mistake.
Basically, I had three versions of this story in my folder. The first was written more to outline the story proper, complete with a placeholder ending whose final line reads 'And that's why Ben Shapiro is a reptilian apologist.'
It's an objectively better ending than this one, I swear.
The second draft is an edited version of what you guys read up there, though really the only change would be the last line, which says "So, how about we do Mom's for Christmas?" or something along those lines. It probably clears up a lot more things on why I ended it the way I did. Nevertheless, even with that change, I wasn't exactly happy with what I got in the end, mostly because of the reasons that >>AndrewRogue put out there. (Andrew: 1, everyone else: 0)
The third draft was the one I intended to put up here. It's the one that omits the line that everyone found troublesome in the first place, so that's already a plus. It doesn't have more incest though, so I should apologize to Cass and everyone else interested. I'm open to bribes, however.
I'll just copypaste the True Ending here:
The deed done, brother and sister waddle their way back to the car.
"You know, you can always come live with us," Joseph attempts. "I'm sure the kids will take to you. The wife might need some time, but I think—"
"Joey, promise me something once you get me home."
"A-Anything, Gen," he manages at her sudden request. "Anything."
The silence that follows was as brief as it was dreadful.
"That I'll never see your face again."
Honestly think this ending brings a lot more interesting things to the table. Not sure if it solves all the issues you guys mentioned—I think it does have its own share of problems—but it's my preferred ending over what you guys got.
Now, onwards to individual responses:
>>No_Raisin
It was initially written as a comedy, I think, but I did a bit of backpedaling on that front. Yes, it counts as vandalism. Also, yes, I was really tired.
>>Cassius
I snickered every time you brought it up in chat.
>>Monokeras
You got that 'deliberately severing their relationship' and 'petty thefts' part of the story that Cassius missed, so yay! I would say though, that line definitely could be worded better. Imagining it in context, it just felt like something the sister would say in her drunken stupor to both flip the bird at him and weird him (and everyone else) out.
I wasn't really thinking about what message the story was sending when I wrote this version of the story, or whether it would be believable, to be honest. It just felt like it would be fun writing something quirky, to which I can safely say I did.
>>Miller Minus
Mission accomplished. Also, I can safely say that I'm not going around knocking over gravestones with a sledgehammer.
Regarding their situation, I think when I wrote this, I always pictured that the dad's death was pretty recent and completely failed to translate that into the story in any way, so that one's on me. I don't think I was writing this to make them sympathetic though. The situation they were in, yes, but not their behavior.
>>GaPJaxie
It's Cassius's fault.
>>AndrewRogue
Can't agree more. My gripe with this draft had always been "Why is Joseph even here in the first place?" and I wanted his presence here to be a lot more self-serving than just helping a sister out. Thus, the third draft was conceived, but alas, I'm a dummy.
All in all, thanks for the comments! Appreciate it!