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The Forest For The Trees
Tall trees had been planted by the highway to soften the noise of passing cars. Corpses hung from their branches, wrapped in red banners.
From inside his limousine, the US representative to the People’s Republic of New Czechoslovakia watched the trees roll past. Around the limo was a cordon of escort vehicles: some American, some local. One of the marines flipped off a Czechoslovakian truck as it passed. If the soldiers inside took offense, it could not be seen—the Czechoslovakian vehicle was closed topped with tinted windows.
Perhaps, the representative thought, there were no soldiers inside. Perhaps the vehicle was entirely automated.
“You are offended,” observed the man who sat on the other side of the limo. He was the representative of the People’s Republic of New Czechoslovakia to the United States. Neither of them were ambassadors, due to each countries official refusal to acknowledge the other’s existence.
He was a wiry little man, who wore a cheap suit and cheap glasses. Nothing seemed to fit him right. Perhaps because it wasn’t tailored, or perhaps because he was very thin.
Regardless, yelling at him would accomplish nothing.
“You know it will only make things worse,” the US representative said. His name was Smith.
The wiry man folded his hands, then opened them as if to shrug. “How so?”
“You’re making martyrs of them,” Smith replied. They both kept their voices calm, being too professional either to shout or to pretend they didn’t hold each other in contempt. “Public displays of brutality only inspire more people to become insurgents.”
“Ah. Then you assert that the insurgency will grow, and our government will be overthrown.” The wiry man glanced at a passing drone. It escorted one of the Czechoslovakian vehicles—a tilt-rotor model the size of a large dog with a submachine gun mounted under its chassis. “Tell me. Did your government’s displays of brutality against the Native Americans lead to your destruction?”
The wiry man smiled, and when it was clear Smith was not going to take the bait and answer, he continued: “Martyrs do not inspire people to change sides in a conflict. They inspire people who were already inclined towards their cause to become devoted to their cause. But if there are great numbers of people who are inclined to rise up against the Republic, then we are already in peril, with or without their…” He drew out the words. “Noble sacrifice.”
“You can’t kill them all,” Smith replied. It was a slip of the tongue, and he regretted it at once.
The wiry man smiled. “Tell me. Are you familiar with the history of the Holocaust? Of course, everyone knows the general outlines, but here’s a fact you may find curious. At peak operation, the Auchwitz camp required just over three-thousand guards to kill two thousand people per day. And that’s with every guard working a full eight hour shift. Does that seem low to you? That’s less than one kill per guard, and shooting a man does not take eight hours.”
Smith did not reply, and so the wiry man pointed at the drone outside. “Once they are detained and can no longer fight back, that drone can kill one person every 2 to 5 seconds. That one $200 Boeing infantry support drone has more deadly capacity that the entire Final Solution.” He laughed. “And you say we can’t kill them all.”
“Someone will stop you.”
“When war was a human thing, maybe that would have been true. If we lived in an age with colorful uniforms and pageantry and rousing patriotic music.” The man shook his head. “But that age is gone. This is an era for war machines, not warriors. An unrelenting tide of grey.”
When Smith didn’t answer, the man asked him: “Will you stop us? With your supreme air force and your nuclear weapons?”
Smith said nothing.
One by one, the rebellions of the world fell, to a force that could do what no soldier ever could. Most governments didn’t bother displaying the bodies in public or wrapping them in colorful banners.
Such frivolities hardly mattered.
From inside his limousine, the US representative to the People’s Republic of New Czechoslovakia watched the trees roll past. Around the limo was a cordon of escort vehicles: some American, some local. One of the marines flipped off a Czechoslovakian truck as it passed. If the soldiers inside took offense, it could not be seen—the Czechoslovakian vehicle was closed topped with tinted windows.
Perhaps, the representative thought, there were no soldiers inside. Perhaps the vehicle was entirely automated.
“You are offended,” observed the man who sat on the other side of the limo. He was the representative of the People’s Republic of New Czechoslovakia to the United States. Neither of them were ambassadors, due to each countries official refusal to acknowledge the other’s existence.
He was a wiry little man, who wore a cheap suit and cheap glasses. Nothing seemed to fit him right. Perhaps because it wasn’t tailored, or perhaps because he was very thin.
Regardless, yelling at him would accomplish nothing.
“You know it will only make things worse,” the US representative said. His name was Smith.
The wiry man folded his hands, then opened them as if to shrug. “How so?”
“You’re making martyrs of them,” Smith replied. They both kept their voices calm, being too professional either to shout or to pretend they didn’t hold each other in contempt. “Public displays of brutality only inspire more people to become insurgents.”
“Ah. Then you assert that the insurgency will grow, and our government will be overthrown.” The wiry man glanced at a passing drone. It escorted one of the Czechoslovakian vehicles—a tilt-rotor model the size of a large dog with a submachine gun mounted under its chassis. “Tell me. Did your government’s displays of brutality against the Native Americans lead to your destruction?”
The wiry man smiled, and when it was clear Smith was not going to take the bait and answer, he continued: “Martyrs do not inspire people to change sides in a conflict. They inspire people who were already inclined towards their cause to become devoted to their cause. But if there are great numbers of people who are inclined to rise up against the Republic, then we are already in peril, with or without their…” He drew out the words. “Noble sacrifice.”
“You can’t kill them all,” Smith replied. It was a slip of the tongue, and he regretted it at once.
The wiry man smiled. “Tell me. Are you familiar with the history of the Holocaust? Of course, everyone knows the general outlines, but here’s a fact you may find curious. At peak operation, the Auchwitz camp required just over three-thousand guards to kill two thousand people per day. And that’s with every guard working a full eight hour shift. Does that seem low to you? That’s less than one kill per guard, and shooting a man does not take eight hours.”
Smith did not reply, and so the wiry man pointed at the drone outside. “Once they are detained and can no longer fight back, that drone can kill one person every 2 to 5 seconds. That one $200 Boeing infantry support drone has more deadly capacity that the entire Final Solution.” He laughed. “And you say we can’t kill them all.”
“Someone will stop you.”
“When war was a human thing, maybe that would have been true. If we lived in an age with colorful uniforms and pageantry and rousing patriotic music.” The man shook his head. “But that age is gone. This is an era for war machines, not warriors. An unrelenting tide of grey.”
When Smith didn’t answer, the man asked him: “Will you stop us? With your supreme air force and your nuclear weapons?”
Smith said nothing.
One by one, the rebellions of the world fell, to a force that could do what no soldier ever could. Most governments didn’t bother displaying the bodies in public or wrapping them in colorful banners.
Such frivolities hardly mattered.
Pics
There are definitely some interesting bits in here, especially the thing about the lethality of the drone. But as a whole, this does end up feeling like a bit of a thought experiment, and I'm sorry to say that I personally didn't find it compelling.
There are a few things about this scenario that feel like logical discrepancies. I'm sure you have an explanation for them in your head, but the fact that you don't have to word count to actually explore your ideas really hurts you. For instance, I really can't see how Boeing (an American company) could openly sell weapons to enemies of the US, especially since they are involved in a lot of government defense contracts IRL. And speaking of the drone, $200 struck me across the face as an unbelievable price. Even $2000 would have stretched my suspension of disbelief as unimaginably cheap. For perspective, the US army recently purchased testing prototypes for their new submachine gun program for about $2000 - $3000 per weapon. In the world of modern-day military spending, (where a single air-to-air missile can easily cost half a million dollars), $20,000 might be a very conservative estimate. I originally had a couple more paragraphs of rambling why I felt that $200 is far too low to be believable, but I realize that it's not necessary to get my point across.
I know this sounds awfully nitpicky, but the truth is that so much of your story hinges around the 7th and 8th to last paragraphs. It's crucial that we are convinced that what the Czechoslovakian representative says represents the reality of modern warfare in this world. Since this piece isn't focused on creating a character arc or emotional plot, all of the payoff comes from whether or not the reader can convince himself that this is a scenario that might possibly happen IRL. And I know I really got into the weeds, here, but I do think that it's critical that you don't let little discrepancies derail your entire idea.
There are a few things about this scenario that feel like logical discrepancies. I'm sure you have an explanation for them in your head, but the fact that you don't have to word count to actually explore your ideas really hurts you. For instance, I really can't see how Boeing (an American company) could openly sell weapons to enemies of the US, especially since they are involved in a lot of government defense contracts IRL. And speaking of the drone, $200 struck me across the face as an unbelievable price. Even $2000 would have stretched my suspension of disbelief as unimaginably cheap. For perspective, the US army recently purchased testing prototypes for their new submachine gun program for about $2000 - $3000 per weapon. In the world of modern-day military spending, (where a single air-to-air missile can easily cost half a million dollars), $20,000 might be a very conservative estimate. I originally had a couple more paragraphs of rambling why I felt that $200 is far too low to be believable, but I realize that it's not necessary to get my point across.
I know this sounds awfully nitpicky, but the truth is that so much of your story hinges around the 7th and 8th to last paragraphs. It's crucial that we are convinced that what the Czechoslovakian representative says represents the reality of modern warfare in this world. Since this piece isn't focused on creating a character arc or emotional plot, all of the payoff comes from whether or not the reader can convince himself that this is a scenario that might possibly happen IRL. And I know I really got into the weeds, here, but I do think that it's critical that you don't let little discrepancies derail your entire idea.
Alternate Title: Genocidal Societies, Tremendous
Well this is timely.
On the one hand I have a soft spot for stories that point a finger at what the future could be like, or in the author's opinion what it will probably be like. These hypothetical futures are never sunny or optimistic, because where's the fun in that? I can't even blame them: the world sucks right now.
On paper, it'd be easy, with the right technology and enough outside support (this is where the problems come in) to wipe out a certain demographic if the government was behind it.
Sure, drones could do the job, I guess. They kill enough people by accident as is.
On the other hand... there's no story here.
That sounds terrible, but this is a common issue for minific rounds. Hell, I've seen non-stories get gold or silver before. We're weird like that.
The big problem is that the author asks the reader of a lot, in terms of believability. What even is the People's Republic of New Czechoslovakia, and what does it look like? How did it come about? How is NATO reacting to all this? How far into the future is this supposed to be? How do you get an attack drone for $200?
These seem like nitpicky questions, but the non-story doesn't have much else on offer, aside from a hypothetical that relies too heavily on a lot of things making sense when they seemingly don't.
It makes you think, though, if not necessarily about what was intended.
Well this is timely.
On the one hand I have a soft spot for stories that point a finger at what the future could be like, or in the author's opinion what it will probably be like. These hypothetical futures are never sunny or optimistic, because where's the fun in that? I can't even blame them: the world sucks right now.
On paper, it'd be easy, with the right technology and enough outside support (this is where the problems come in) to wipe out a certain demographic if the government was behind it.
Sure, drones could do the job, I guess. They kill enough people by accident as is.
On the other hand... there's no story here.
That sounds terrible, but this is a common issue for minific rounds. Hell, I've seen non-stories get gold or silver before. We're weird like that.
The big problem is that the author asks the reader of a lot, in terms of believability. What even is the People's Republic of New Czechoslovakia, and what does it look like? How did it come about? How is NATO reacting to all this? How far into the future is this supposed to be? How do you get an attack drone for $200?
These seem like nitpicky questions, but the non-story doesn't have much else on offer, aside from a hypothetical that relies too heavily on a lot of things making sense when they seemingly don't.
It makes you think, though, if not necessarily about what was intended.
>>No_Raisin
As a frequent visitor to Slovakia, I can attest that they're the closest to genocide when they kill a beer. Also, it's spelled "Auschwitz".
I also question the supposed lethality of a drone the size of a dog with a single submachine gun as its armament. I mean, Russians during WWII were experimenting with putting tons of PPSh's on a plane, but WWI planes were more heavily armed than this drone. Not to mention that even these days submachines are being replaced in military use by compact assault rifles and personal defense weapons such as FN P90. Unless that's why it's so cheap (but then it wouldn't be as lethal as the guy claims).
What even is the People's Republic of New Czechoslovakia, and what does it look like?
As a frequent visitor to Slovakia, I can attest that they're the closest to genocide when they kill a beer. Also, it's spelled "Auschwitz".
I also question the supposed lethality of a drone the size of a dog with a single submachine gun as its armament. I mean, Russians during WWII were experimenting with putting tons of PPSh's on a plane, but WWI planes were more heavily armed than this drone. Not to mention that even these days submachines are being replaced in military use by compact assault rifles and personal defense weapons such as FN P90. Unless that's why it's so cheap (but then it wouldn't be as lethal as the guy claims).
number nitpicking time:
from my lazy online research, the Auschwitz numbers seem way off. there were thousands of guards, but most of them oversaw the labor camps. only about 120 actually managed the gas chambers. the peak death rate of the camp was reported as 20,000 per day. the average daily rate of the crematoriums was probably between 2,000-4,000 though. it wasn't only to kill people, they also wanted to burn the evidence. the characters in this fic don't care about concealing that though.
if the flying drone takes an average of 3.5 seconds per kill, that's about 25,000 per day. assuming exactly 1 round per prisoner, it needs to carry (hrmm let's assume 9mm) $3,750 worth of ammunition, weighing 657 pounds (300 kg). that drone's more expensive than it seems!
isn't that the bottleneck here? the logistics and organization, to catch every single rebel and line them up in a row, so the drone can shoot them all efficiently.
from my lazy online research, the Auschwitz numbers seem way off. there were thousands of guards, but most of them oversaw the labor camps. only about 120 actually managed the gas chambers. the peak death rate of the camp was reported as 20,000 per day. the average daily rate of the crematoriums was probably between 2,000-4,000 though. it wasn't only to kill people, they also wanted to burn the evidence. the characters in this fic don't care about concealing that though.
if the flying drone takes an average of 3.5 seconds per kill, that's about 25,000 per day. assuming exactly 1 round per prisoner, it needs to carry (hrmm let's assume 9mm) $3,750 worth of ammunition, weighing 657 pounds (300 kg). that drone's more expensive than it seems!
“Once they are detained and can no longer fight back
isn't that the bottleneck here? the logistics and organization, to catch every single rebel and line them up in a row, so the drone can shoot them all efficiently.
Bottom slating in an effort to martyr this fic.
So, a major theme in mini rounds is the grand "not a story" thing. This is not an indictment of the quality of the work or anything, it is just that a lot of minis are more scenes or vignettes than actual stories. It is a structural deal. There is generally no real arc/progression, no real act structure, etc, etc, etc. This falls pretty firmly in that camp. It is the expression of an idea. And I always feel that is a bit of a problem.
There isn't really a character conflict here as we aren't really given much to go on there. There isn't really a story conflict because they are in... mutual disinterest. There isn't really a world conflict because I guess it doesn't matter and for some reason other countries aren't involving themselves in these humanitarian violations? It's just sort of a grim statement of a possible future that is intended to be moody. And it does succeed at that! But I think minis need to strive to be more stories, you know what I mean?
Thanks for writing!
So, a major theme in mini rounds is the grand "not a story" thing. This is not an indictment of the quality of the work or anything, it is just that a lot of minis are more scenes or vignettes than actual stories. It is a structural deal. There is generally no real arc/progression, no real act structure, etc, etc, etc. This falls pretty firmly in that camp. It is the expression of an idea. And I always feel that is a bit of a problem.
There isn't really a character conflict here as we aren't really given much to go on there. There isn't really a story conflict because they are in... mutual disinterest. There isn't really a world conflict because I guess it doesn't matter and for some reason other countries aren't involving themselves in these humanitarian violations? It's just sort of a grim statement of a possible future that is intended to be moody. And it does succeed at that! But I think minis need to strive to be more stories, you know what I mean?
Thanks for writing!
>>AndrewRogue
>>Pascoite
>>Haze
>>Samey90
>>No_Raisin
>>Bachiavellian
Thanks to everyone who left a review! This was some excellent feedback.
This story's first draft was 1,200 words, and when it got cut for length, I think a lot of context was lost. The many comments pointing out inconsistencies in the story are helpful -- some of they were addressed in the longer version, some not. I'm going to turn this story into something longer (maybe 3,000 words or so) so seeing the major points I need to cover is great. ^_^
>>Pascoite
>>Haze
>>Samey90
>>No_Raisin
>>Bachiavellian
Thanks to everyone who left a review! This was some excellent feedback.
This story's first draft was 1,200 words, and when it got cut for length, I think a lot of context was lost. The many comments pointing out inconsistencies in the story are helpful -- some of they were addressed in the longer version, some not. I'm going to turn this story into something longer (maybe 3,000 words or so) so seeing the major points I need to cover is great. ^_^