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>>Miller Minus
I think the thirteen-gigameter distance, “light-ticks”, life support, EVA, etc. make the space setting pretty clear. :-)
I think the thirteen-gigameter distance, “light-ticks”, life support, EVA, etc. make the space setting pretty clear. :-)
Top of my slate:
To my reading, it's just straight-up "slice of life"--the heightened language gets introduced right at the beginning, >>No_Raisin, with lines like, "Her scarf was a scorpion's tail, rising behind her in the wind," so I really, really doubt there's any dark fantasy intended. The story's just told with very theatrical exaggeration, something that fits the subject, fits the character, and I found it to be all kinds of fun to read.
It's got some comma issues throughout, and the external perspective didn't quite work for me. I'd recommend anchoring the POV more firmly in Lucille's head, author. She's enough of a drama queen--or I guess "stage mom" would be a better way to describe her--that the heightened language will still work, but if we're in her head, we can feel the roaring tempest of her emotions more directly. Very nice here, though!
Mike
To my reading, it's just straight-up "slice of life"--the heightened language gets introduced right at the beginning, >>No_Raisin, with lines like, "Her scarf was a scorpion's tail, rising behind her in the wind," so I really, really doubt there's any dark fantasy intended. The story's just told with very theatrical exaggeration, something that fits the subject, fits the character, and I found it to be all kinds of fun to read.
It's got some comma issues throughout, and the external perspective didn't quite work for me. I'd recommend anchoring the POV more firmly in Lucille's head, author. She's enough of a drama queen--or I guess "stage mom" would be a better way to describe her--that the heightened language will still work, but if we're in her head, we can feel the roaring tempest of her emotions more directly. Very nice here, though!
Mike
>>Light_Striker
Ah, I figured there had to be something in there. Thanks!
Still, author, this story takes place in SPACE! Settings are more than just numbers and life support systems.
Ah, I figured there had to be something in there. Thanks!
Still, author, this story takes place in SPACE! Settings are more than just numbers and life support systems.
Alternate Title: Elite Dangerous 2: Even More Dangerous
At first I thought this was going to be a military sci-fi story, but it turned out to be more just plain old sci-fi. Which is fine (okay, the technobabble scattered throughout isn't very fine, and it constantly took me out of the story, but at least there's no gun fetishism), and unlike some other people in the comments I understood right away that this is taking place in space.
I'm sorry, Miller-kun, please forgive me.
What isn't so understandable is the why of the situation. Why in space? I'm assuming because air is more important in a place where you don't get any, but this could happening on like the moon. Or an alien planet.
Not saying it has to be one of those, but if a reader isn't sure if your story happens in space, you might want to clarify; add some details that make it feel specific to that setting. Space is pretty special, y'know. We only have one of those.
That sounded weird. Anyway, the real elephant in the room with this story, for me, is that I found myself often detached from it, partly because of the technobabble, partly because there's little to no context for what's happening, partly because the characters only interact for a small portion of it...
It's a shame, because putting that aside I'm kind of fond of this entry. It reminds me of stuff I liked to write in middle school and high school, but if I had a far better grasp on grammar and style at the time. And unlike the "Angry/Depressed Monologue" type of story I'm actually glad to see this kind of thing again.
It's somewhat generic, although that's in large part due to the last of context, but something can be interesting and also derivative if it's written in a compelling-enough way.
The dialogue-heavy segment, brief as it is, shows a glimpse of a very solid space drama that I hope to see someday.
Hopefully.
At first I thought this was going to be a military sci-fi story, but it turned out to be more just plain old sci-fi. Which is fine (okay, the technobabble scattered throughout isn't very fine, and it constantly took me out of the story, but at least there's no gun fetishism), and unlike some other people in the comments I understood right away that this is taking place in space.
I'm sorry, Miller-kun, please forgive me.
What isn't so understandable is the why of the situation. Why in space? I'm assuming because air is more important in a place where you don't get any, but this could happening on like the moon. Or an alien planet.
Not saying it has to be one of those, but if a reader isn't sure if your story happens in space, you might want to clarify; add some details that make it feel specific to that setting. Space is pretty special, y'know. We only have one of those.
That sounded weird. Anyway, the real elephant in the room with this story, for me, is that I found myself often detached from it, partly because of the technobabble, partly because there's little to no context for what's happening, partly because the characters only interact for a small portion of it...
It's a shame, because putting that aside I'm kind of fond of this entry. It reminds me of stuff I liked to write in middle school and high school, but if I had a far better grasp on grammar and style at the time. And unlike the "Angry/Depressed Monologue" type of story I'm actually glad to see this kind of thing again.
It's somewhat generic, although that's in large part due to the last of context, but something can be interesting and also derivative if it's written in a compelling-enough way.
The dialogue-heavy segment, brief as it is, shows a glimpse of a very solid space drama that I hope to see someday.
Hopefully.
Your Story's Theme Song: Tobias Jesso Jr. - For You
First off, neat title is neat.
Second, like >>Monokeras before me, I found myself questioning a lot of what this story had to offer and, in one of my read-throughs, ended up becoming a little bit frustrated with everything that was going on. It's when I shifted my focus not on figuring out everything that's happening and scaled myself back a little that the story sorta... clicked, you could say.
We have Johnny, an intelligent, innocent yet pretty presumptuous kid with quite the imagination. We have his perspective, and oh boy, was it quite the perspective. Really, it's those little lines such as 'Some students burst with colour. Some were muted, but still hanging in there' and 'His had tasted like Mozart; hers, Beethoven' that make the story for me.
As for Kelly, I perceived her as Johnny's imaginary friend, though I honestly don't think whoever or whatever Kelly was really doesn't affect my overall impression of the story. She may be a real girl, she may be a ghost, but I feel it's Kelly's relation to Johnny—the strong, singular tether to his colorful imagination—that really makes the story for what it is. After all, Johnny clearly knew her 'long enough to tell what she clearly wanted.' She mattered to Johnny, that's what's important, and the hints of their bubbly relationship in between the lines left me with a smile on my face.
In the end, I think this is a decently put together coming of age story that focuses its lens on this one vibrant kid that eventually becomes too weird for the rest of the world to handle. It's nothing too amazing or special, but it set out to do what it had to do and made me sympathize with the kid. To that, dear author, I salute you!
Thanks for writing!
First off, neat title is neat.
Second, like >>Monokeras before me, I found myself questioning a lot of what this story had to offer and, in one of my read-throughs, ended up becoming a little bit frustrated with everything that was going on. It's when I shifted my focus not on figuring out everything that's happening and scaled myself back a little that the story sorta... clicked, you could say.
We have Johnny, an intelligent, innocent yet pretty presumptuous kid with quite the imagination. We have his perspective, and oh boy, was it quite the perspective. Really, it's those little lines such as 'Some students burst with colour. Some were muted, but still hanging in there' and 'His had tasted like Mozart; hers, Beethoven' that make the story for me.
As for Kelly, I perceived her as Johnny's imaginary friend, though I honestly don't think whoever or whatever Kelly was really doesn't affect my overall impression of the story. She may be a real girl, she may be a ghost, but I feel it's Kelly's relation to Johnny—the strong, singular tether to his colorful imagination—that really makes the story for what it is. After all, Johnny clearly knew her 'long enough to tell what she clearly wanted.' She mattered to Johnny, that's what's important, and the hints of their bubbly relationship in between the lines left me with a smile on my face.
In the end, I think this is a decently put together coming of age story that focuses its lens on this one vibrant kid that eventually becomes too weird for the rest of the world to handle. It's nothing too amazing or special, but it set out to do what it had to do and made me sympathize with the kid. To that, dear author, I salute you!
Thanks for writing!
Alternate Title: The Book of Nothing
Oh boy, a post-apocalypse story. I think this is the first one I've read this round? And I'm sure there are a few others I'll run into later. Probably not as downtrodden and generic as this, hopefully, but I'll get to that in a moment.
It's been said by everyone else that the actual writing of this entry is its selling point, and yeah, I pretty much agree. With the exception of The Beast of Luscioucr this is the closest to airtight in terms of polish and control of tone I've seen so far. There are one or two questionable points ("pieces of cloth that must've serve as clothing" is kind of a weird phrase), but aside from that I dig the writing very much.
It says something about the clarity of the prose that I was able to ascertain the setting, albeit vaguely, without thinking about it too hard and without the story explicitly telling me this is after civilization has crumbled. I just kind of got that, along with why the hillbillies would want to burn the book for the amateur cremation; it seems practical, killing two birds with one stone like that.
The ending is also really goddamn pessimistic, about as close as you can get without an outright murder being thrown in, but it ends on kind of the perfect note for the premise given and (I think?) the main theme of the story.
The Achilles heel for this entry, though, is that it's a very vanilla post-apocalypse story; it begs comparisons to Cormac McCarthy's The Road, which in itself is a very generic but well-executed post-apocalypse story.
Also, depending on how you look at it, the message to take away from this is either very typical (humans suck lol) or there's something else going on here. I have to both agree and disagree with old man Mono in that I'm not convinced this is just a "humans suck" story, but I don't think it's about the failure to preserve knowledge either.
I think it's more about the failure to preserve art. How art would be seen by most as totally disposable in a post-apocalyptic setting. Or maybe this is a low-key meta fic, about the futility of participating in the WriteOff, and we didn't notice.
Whatever's going on, this is a pretty solid entry. Thank God for that, I guess...
Oh boy, a post-apocalypse story. I think this is the first one I've read this round? And I'm sure there are a few others I'll run into later. Probably not as downtrodden and generic as this, hopefully, but I'll get to that in a moment.
It's been said by everyone else that the actual writing of this entry is its selling point, and yeah, I pretty much agree. With the exception of The Beast of Luscioucr this is the closest to airtight in terms of polish and control of tone I've seen so far. There are one or two questionable points ("pieces of cloth that must've serve as clothing" is kind of a weird phrase), but aside from that I dig the writing very much.
It says something about the clarity of the prose that I was able to ascertain the setting, albeit vaguely, without thinking about it too hard and without the story explicitly telling me this is after civilization has crumbled. I just kind of got that, along with why the hillbillies would want to burn the book for the amateur cremation; it seems practical, killing two birds with one stone like that.
The ending is also really goddamn pessimistic, about as close as you can get without an outright murder being thrown in, but it ends on kind of the perfect note for the premise given and (I think?) the main theme of the story.
The Achilles heel for this entry, though, is that it's a very vanilla post-apocalypse story; it begs comparisons to Cormac McCarthy's The Road, which in itself is a very generic but well-executed post-apocalypse story.
Also, depending on how you look at it, the message to take away from this is either very typical (humans suck lol) or there's something else going on here. I have to both agree and disagree with old man Mono in that I'm not convinced this is just a "humans suck" story, but I don't think it's about the failure to preserve knowledge either.
I think it's more about the failure to preserve art. How art would be seen by most as totally disposable in a post-apocalyptic setting. Or maybe this is a low-key meta fic, about the futility of participating in the WriteOff, and we didn't notice.
Whatever's going on, this is a pretty solid entry. Thank God for that, I guess...
>>No_Raisin
As a frequent visitor to Slovakia, I can attest that they're the closest to genocide when they kill a beer. Also, it's spelled "Auschwitz".
I also question the supposed lethality of a drone the size of a dog with a single submachine gun as its armament. I mean, Russians during WWII were experimenting with putting tons of PPSh's on a plane, but WWI planes were more heavily armed than this drone. Not to mention that even these days submachines are being replaced in military use by compact assault rifles and personal defense weapons such as FN P90. Unless that's why it's so cheap (but then it wouldn't be as lethal as the guy claims).
What even is the People's Republic of New Czechoslovakia, and what does it look like?
As a frequent visitor to Slovakia, I can attest that they're the closest to genocide when they kill a beer. Also, it's spelled "Auschwitz".
I also question the supposed lethality of a drone the size of a dog with a single submachine gun as its armament. I mean, Russians during WWII were experimenting with putting tons of PPSh's on a plane, but WWI planes were more heavily armed than this drone. Not to mention that even these days submachines are being replaced in military use by compact assault rifles and personal defense weapons such as FN P90. Unless that's why it's so cheap (but then it wouldn't be as lethal as the guy claims).
number nitpicking time:
from my lazy online research, the Auschwitz numbers seem way off. there were thousands of guards, but most of them oversaw the labor camps. only about 120 actually managed the gas chambers. the peak death rate of the camp was reported as 20,000 per day. the average daily rate of the crematoriums was probably between 2,000-4,000 though. it wasn't only to kill people, they also wanted to burn the evidence. the characters in this fic don't care about concealing that though.
if the flying drone takes an average of 3.5 seconds per kill, that's about 25,000 per day. assuming exactly 1 round per prisoner, it needs to carry (hrmm let's assume 9mm) $3,750 worth of ammunition, weighing 657 pounds (300 kg). that drone's more expensive than it seems!
isn't that the bottleneck here? the logistics and organization, to catch every single rebel and line them up in a row, so the drone can shoot them all efficiently.
from my lazy online research, the Auschwitz numbers seem way off. there were thousands of guards, but most of them oversaw the labor camps. only about 120 actually managed the gas chambers. the peak death rate of the camp was reported as 20,000 per day. the average daily rate of the crematoriums was probably between 2,000-4,000 though. it wasn't only to kill people, they also wanted to burn the evidence. the characters in this fic don't care about concealing that though.
if the flying drone takes an average of 3.5 seconds per kill, that's about 25,000 per day. assuming exactly 1 round per prisoner, it needs to carry (hrmm let's assume 9mm) $3,750 worth of ammunition, weighing 657 pounds (300 kg). that drone's more expensive than it seems!
“Once they are detained and can no longer fight back
isn't that the bottleneck here? the logistics and organization, to catch every single rebel and line them up in a row, so the drone can shoot them all efficiently.
Just like basically everyone else here (except for the gods among us), I don't really feel comfortable critiquing poetry. But I'll give it a shot!
There are a couple of places here that have a great mouth-feel, reading these poems aloud (which is the only way to read poetry, duh). The second and fourth stanzas of the second poem in particular read really smoothly.
But as a whole, I'm afraid I did find myself stumbling more often than not while reading these poems. The first in particular never seems to really get on top of its meter. I mean, by the 2nd or 3rd stanza, I got the beat you were going for, but the fact that the syllable count would randomly change here or there would constantly force me to re-read a line with a different stress-pattern to maintain the flow. Meter really is just as important as rhyme in a structured poem, so you should do your best to make sure your stresses are where you want them. For instance, I can't help but feel that the first poem's third stanza would read much easier like this:
Because you have this unstressed-unstressed-stressed beat that's being ruined by the extra syllables from the "the" and "achievement". As in:
So dra-gon did speak of his might
of he-roes and mon-sters and prey
Each con-quest re-cor-ded with di-li-gent quill
for such is the wea-pon of fae.
Personally, this feels better to me. YMMV.
And as a side-note, if I'm not mistaken, you're supposed to capitalize the start of every line, regardless of whether or not it's the start of a sentence or clause.
So in the end, I like what you're trying to do, but I think you need to polish the execution a little before it does what you want it to.
There are a couple of places here that have a great mouth-feel, reading these poems aloud (which is the only way to read poetry, duh). The second and fourth stanzas of the second poem in particular read really smoothly.
But as a whole, I'm afraid I did find myself stumbling more often than not while reading these poems. The first in particular never seems to really get on top of its meter. I mean, by the 2nd or 3rd stanza, I got the beat you were going for, but the fact that the syllable count would randomly change here or there would constantly force me to re-read a line with a different stress-pattern to maintain the flow. Meter really is just as important as rhyme in a structured poem, so you should do your best to make sure your stresses are where you want them. For instance, I can't help but feel that the first poem's third stanza would read much easier like this:
Sothedragon did speak of his might,
of heroes and monsters and prey.
Each conquest recorded with diligent quill,
for such is the weapon of fae.
Because you have this unstressed-unstressed-stressed beat that's being ruined by the extra syllables from the "the" and "achievement". As in:
So dra-gon did speak of his might
of he-roes and mon-sters and prey
Each con-quest re-cor-ded with di-li-gent quill
for such is the wea-pon of fae.
Personally, this feels better to me. YMMV.
And as a side-note, if I'm not mistaken, you're supposed to capitalize the start of every line, regardless of whether or not it's the start of a sentence or clause.
So in the end, I like what you're trying to do, but I think you need to polish the execution a little before it does what you want it to.
Well it’s zany and absurd, but I’d say not sany or absurd enough. I’m not exactly sure why and how, but fact is after the first smile, it reads more like a mishmash of disjointed facts than a whole. You lost my attention quite quickly.
Maybe the form you choose, an impersonal narrative, doesn’t help to connect.
To use another metaphor, it’s like you had an idea for a broth, put a lot of ingredients inside, but the result is not as savo(u)ry as you had wished it to be. Comes out as a pile up of different flavo(u)rs instead of a nice blending together.
So, well – can’t really say where this will land on my slate. If I could, I would abstain, but I already used my two slots for poetry. So… We’ll see, I guess.
Maybe the form you choose, an impersonal narrative, doesn’t help to connect.
To use another metaphor, it’s like you had an idea for a broth, put a lot of ingredients inside, but the result is not as savo(u)ry as you had wished it to be. Comes out as a pile up of different flavo(u)rs instead of a nice blending together.
So, well – can’t really say where this will land on my slate. If I could, I would abstain, but I already used my two slots for poetry. So… We’ll see, I guess.
Bottom of the slate for not better describing orca battles.
The biggest thing to remember iwth flash fiction is that you have very little space. The more words you spend setting up, the less words you actually have for telling a story and giving us characters. The first three paragraphs aren't really necessary and I am confident that you could have delivered the core of that information (it is an apocalypse) in the body of the story.
The biggest problem here, I think, is that the punchline is imminently obvious from the moment the exchange starts and the whole story is building towards it without doing much else. We don't really have a lot of investment or interest in the characters. Outside the situation, there isn't really a conflict to do. Etc. A predicted punchline isn't the end of the world I don't think, but it does help when the punchline is more the cherry on top.
Also, I realize the orca gladiator thing was in part to help sell the punchline, but when it comes to aquatic life, still hard to get it worse than like... goldfish or bettas. :p It isn't a big deal, but it is a thing to keep in mind with how people's minds will go.
(Miller stole the way I was gonna sign this off, so I'll just say thanks for writing!)
The biggest thing to remember iwth flash fiction is that you have very little space. The more words you spend setting up, the less words you actually have for telling a story and giving us characters. The first three paragraphs aren't really necessary and I am confident that you could have delivered the core of that information (it is an apocalypse) in the body of the story.
The biggest problem here, I think, is that the punchline is imminently obvious from the moment the exchange starts and the whole story is building towards it without doing much else. We don't really have a lot of investment or interest in the characters. Outside the situation, there isn't really a conflict to do. Etc. A predicted punchline isn't the end of the world I don't think, but it does help when the punchline is more the cherry on top.
Also, I realize the orca gladiator thing was in part to help sell the punchline, but when it comes to aquatic life, still hard to get it worse than like... goldfish or bettas. :p It isn't a big deal, but it is a thing to keep in mind with how people's minds will go.
(Miller stole the way I was gonna sign this off, so I'll just say thanks for writing!)
Bottom slate for technobabble. If you don't flux the quantum processors and do a reverse-interlace molecular inversion, that's what happens!
Joking aside, this story very much reminds me of... well, it is a story that is not uncommonly told, but in this case it specifically reminds me of the Deep Space Nine episode, "The Sound of Her Voice." What does that have to do with my review? I dunno, really. It just puts me in mind. It is a good episode.
I think the core issue I have here is that this is very much the archetypal version of this story. Person in distress, clearly cannot be reached in time, try anyway, arrive too late. Do a little bonding to make the feels bad at the end. And I obviously have no issues with archetypal stories. I certainly write my fair share of them here. It is just that this one hews so closely to what I'd consider the outline for this story type that I have a hard time really engaging with it rather than seeing it for what it is structually. This could be averted, but I think it requires refocusing the story on the characters and just really getting in there on that drama.
It is worth nothing that I do stumble a bit in that they appear to be talking actively and we go from that to "she's dead" without any real intervening thing. If they really were talking that much shouldn't she have basically died on radio? And honestly, that might be worth leaning into. I assume it probably isn't a super new way to handle this type of story, but her dying on the line with him would probably be a bit more compelling.
Thanks for writing!
Joking aside, this story very much reminds me of... well, it is a story that is not uncommonly told, but in this case it specifically reminds me of the Deep Space Nine episode, "The Sound of Her Voice." What does that have to do with my review? I dunno, really. It just puts me in mind. It is a good episode.
I think the core issue I have here is that this is very much the archetypal version of this story. Person in distress, clearly cannot be reached in time, try anyway, arrive too late. Do a little bonding to make the feels bad at the end. And I obviously have no issues with archetypal stories. I certainly write my fair share of them here. It is just that this one hews so closely to what I'd consider the outline for this story type that I have a hard time really engaging with it rather than seeing it for what it is structually. This could be averted, but I think it requires refocusing the story on the characters and just really getting in there on that drama.
It is worth nothing that I do stumble a bit in that they appear to be talking actively and we go from that to "she's dead" without any real intervening thing. If they really were talking that much shouldn't she have basically died on radio? And honestly, that might be worth leaning into. I assume it probably isn't a super new way to handle this type of story, but her dying on the line with him would probably be a bit more compelling.
Thanks for writing!
WORTHLESS REVIEWS (THE CONTINUATION THEREOF)
I could dispute what >>Cassius wrote. Cassius claims that the line “Not if I fuck you first!” suggests something had been going between the two siblings. The middle paragraph where the author explains how the brother's been deliberately severing their relation for years doesn’t seem to go this way, though. Also this could refer to their (alluded to) petty thefts. This is debatable.
Hmm… Anyways, as usual with such stories, the message delivered here is pretty strong. The real question is whether the whole scene is plausible or not, or, in other terms, if you really tried hard to put yourself in your protagonists' shoes or just pulled off a cliché. My answer is: I don’t know, but I would rather lend on the “half cliché” side.
However, what really ruins it to me is the last line. I know you had to find a clincher but the one you choose definitely doesn’t fit. I can’t really tell you why, but, as you said, this has to be a cathartic experience. Suggesting it can be done twice means it doesn’t fit the bill. It’s like it recasts the whole deed in a different context. I can’t be more precise, but there’s something definitely off there.
So, yeah, that’s that. Good effort, but needs slight refinement to be yet more effective.
I could dispute what >>Cassius wrote. Cassius claims that the line “Not if I fuck you first!” suggests something had been going between the two siblings. The middle paragraph where the author explains how the brother's been deliberately severing their relation for years doesn’t seem to go this way, though. Also this could refer to their (alluded to) petty thefts. This is debatable.
Hmm… Anyways, as usual with such stories, the message delivered here is pretty strong. The real question is whether the whole scene is plausible or not, or, in other terms, if you really tried hard to put yourself in your protagonists' shoes or just pulled off a cliché. My answer is: I don’t know, but I would rather lend on the “half cliché” side.
However, what really ruins it to me is the last line. I know you had to find a clincher but the one you choose definitely doesn’t fit. I can’t really tell you why, but, as you said, this has to be a cathartic experience. Suggesting it can be done twice means it doesn’t fit the bill. It’s like it recasts the whole deed in a different context. I can’t be more precise, but there’s something definitely off there.
So, yeah, that’s that. Good effort, but needs slight refinement to be yet more effective.
Yeah, I mean, I pretty agree with what was said above. It’s hardly funny. I mean, it’s not badly written, but the reveal is pretty much lame. Colorblindness is tested for in about all the jobs that deal with colors. Don’t try to be a train engineer if you’re colorblind, for example. No dice. I wonder if you can be a pilot, btw, irrespective of what your visual acuity/sharpness is.
I’m not sure what colorblindness you depict, btw, but blue/yellow conflation is pretty rare. Guy basically seem to see only one color (Achromatopsia) which is even rarer.
In any case, all the fic is built around the twist, but the twist itself is far from punchy, that’s why it comes across as wishy-washy.
I’m not sure what colorblindness you depict, btw, but blue/yellow conflation is pretty rare. Guy basically seem to see only one color (Achromatopsia) which is even rarer.
In any case, all the fic is built around the twist, but the twist itself is far from punchy, that’s why it comes across as wishy-washy.
This is so close to Those Purple Days, by Lord Fotheringay-Phipps. About the same sort of humo(u)r.
I should rank them the same, but since I can’t, I will have to draw lots to know which one gets on top of the other.
I think it could be Cassius's, but just out of the remark on French people. But it isn't because there are small typos Cassius prolly wouldn't make, we all know how fussy he is about misplaced quotes and other punctuation incorrectnesses.
Also, I wonder what Quill would think of this.
Also, we never know why the dentists decided to kill themselves. Tooth times. :/
I should rank them the same, but since I can’t, I will have to draw lots to know which one gets on top of the other.
I think it could be Cassius's, but just out of the remark on French people. But it isn't because there are small typos Cassius prolly wouldn't make, we all know how fussy he is about misplaced quotes and other punctuation incorrectnesses.
Also, I wonder what Quill would think of this.
Also, we never know why the dentists decided to kill themselves. Tooth times. :/
First off, the title manages to rub me the wrong way. I explain: chromo- is a Greek prefix/name. -vore is a Latin suffix/name. You just can’t glue them together and get away with murder. Either you want *chromophage, which is all Greek, or *colorvore, which is all Latin. But *colorphage or *chromovore are bad neologisms.
Chromophage is swanky, though.
Anyways. The story is pretty drab, eh. I mean, it’s in the same vein as The Beast, a very literal and straightforward way to write about the picture you used as inspiration. The takeaway is a very classical one: don’t give up to {despair, evil, hate}, if you stand fast and draw on the power of {hope, good, love}, you’ll win.
Besides, the theory that transpires here, namely that colors are figments of our imagination, is not true. I mean, it is true that the harsh reality is light wavelength. But color is a perception. As all perceptions, it takes places inside the brain, and can sometimes be the result of internal stimulation, like when you dream your eyes are closed yet you see images. That doesn’t make it a figment: color exists as a stimulus, insomuch as a stimulus is a flow of neurotransmitters hopping from axones to dendrites via synapses in your brain. It’s a very real phenomenon. Sever the visual cortex from someone's brain, and there’s a good chance that every sensation of color will be gone, despite imagination still working.
Now I agree that this process takes places at a non-verbal level, whereby it would remain unchanged even if we called red green and green blue, etc.
* The (*) before a word is a sign conventionally used by linguists to tag words that are not attested, be they fancy formations or simply because they existed in a langage that was not written, like Gaulish or Indo-European, for example.
Chromophage is swanky, though.
Anyways. The story is pretty drab, eh. I mean, it’s in the same vein as The Beast, a very literal and straightforward way to write about the picture you used as inspiration. The takeaway is a very classical one: don’t give up to {despair, evil, hate}, if you stand fast and draw on the power of {hope, good, love}, you’ll win.
Besides, the theory that transpires here, namely that colors are figments of our imagination, is not true. I mean, it is true that the harsh reality is light wavelength. But color is a perception. As all perceptions, it takes places inside the brain, and can sometimes be the result of internal stimulation, like when you dream your eyes are closed yet you see images. That doesn’t make it a figment: color exists as a stimulus, insomuch as a stimulus is a flow of neurotransmitters hopping from axones to dendrites via synapses in your brain. It’s a very real phenomenon. Sever the visual cortex from someone's brain, and there’s a good chance that every sensation of color will be gone, despite imagination still working.
Now I agree that this process takes places at a non-verbal level, whereby it would remain unchanged even if we called red green and green blue, etc.
* The (*) before a word is a sign conventionally used by linguists to tag words that are not attested, be they fancy formations or simply because they existed in a langage that was not written, like Gaulish or Indo-European, for example.
Well, I will be somewhat forthright and blunt. I don’t give a shit about superheroes, so that was just a nonsensical, boring rambling all the way. Don’t take that personally, author. You write well, your grammar is correct and you’re skilled. It’s just that you picked up a theme that doesn’t resonate with me in the slightest. It could be a masterpiece of modern prose, it would leave me unconcerned anyway.
I would like to abstain, but I can’t, having already done so on the two poems I was foisted. So, well, this won’t land very high, but not bottom slate either.
I would like to abstain, but I can’t, having already done so on the two poems I was foisted. So, well, this won’t land very high, but not bottom slate either.
Your Story's Theme Song: David Allred - For The Penguins
Seems like hope springs eternal even when the world has ended.
It's nice to have something bright and beautiful to grace us masochistic writers with its rare presence once in a while, so I'm glad this entry exists, especially since this is a round that, art aside, has the world 'Colour' in its prompt.
I mostly concur with >>No_Raisin's notes on polishing it a little, but I'm inclined to think you can reserve all the "?!" in Brian's sentences. I feel like it adds some sort of vigor and vibrancy to his character that his parents certainly wouldn't have possessed prior to this event. Regarding that, I also wished that Brian's parents were around in that final scene just so I can witness them being excited and reinvigorated by their childlike wonder. I think such a scene would hit home further just how magical the return of snowfall would be.
Also, unlike Raisin, I live on the Equator, so more snow is appreciated!
Thanks for writing! Would love to see more from this!
Seems like hope springs eternal even when the world has ended.
It's nice to have something bright and beautiful to grace us masochistic writers with its rare presence once in a while, so I'm glad this entry exists, especially since this is a round that, art aside, has the world 'Colour' in its prompt.
I mostly concur with >>No_Raisin's notes on polishing it a little, but I'm inclined to think you can reserve all the "?!" in Brian's sentences. I feel like it adds some sort of vigor and vibrancy to his character that his parents certainly wouldn't have possessed prior to this event. Regarding that, I also wished that Brian's parents were around in that final scene just so I can witness them being excited and reinvigorated by their childlike wonder. I think such a scene would hit home further just how magical the return of snowfall would be.
Also, unlike Raisin, I live on the Equator, so more snow is appreciated!
Thanks for writing! Would love to see more from this!
This one I didn't like quite as much, simply because it's a little confusing. What passed through my mind on first sight was something along the lines of "Greyed-out Earth with the moon in front of it." Now, clearly, I was not operating on all cylinders at the time, but first impressions are the most important.
My confusion pretty much stems from the circle of color, which I stated I thought was the moon on first glance. I just don't know why it's there. Taking the name into account, this is how I see it: a massacre that killed everything and turned it grey, except for that one spot for some reason. Did whatever happened somehow know the site of the first Alamo? Is the circle just to say 'this is the first one, outside here is the second?' Or is it there as a sort of origin point, 'ground zero' if you will.
I can't even agree with GGA that's it's thought-provoking so much as infuriatingly answerless...
I'm sorry that I ripped on this so much. I just can't really find anything to praise about it short of something like "hey, nice work using photoshop to grey out a picture..." I'm not against using this tactic with art, I just don't think it went over so well this time.
My confusion pretty much stems from the circle of color, which I stated I thought was the moon on first glance. I just don't know why it's there. Taking the name into account, this is how I see it: a massacre that killed everything and turned it grey, except for that one spot for some reason. Did whatever happened somehow know the site of the first Alamo? Is the circle just to say 'this is the first one, outside here is the second?' Or is it there as a sort of origin point, 'ground zero' if you will.
I can't even agree with GGA that's it's thought-provoking so much as infuriatingly answerless...
I'm sorry that I ripped on this so much. I just can't really find anything to praise about it short of something like "hey, nice work using photoshop to grey out a picture..." I'm not against using this tactic with art, I just don't think it went over so well this time.
I agree with Dubs, it woulda been a lot more interesting had the U's been drawn in completely instead of typed and drawn over. And had the U's not been copy-pasted so there was at least a bit of variety or flow to it. As is, I feel like it missed it's mark.
Well, that's.... really cool, and remarkably well done. I love how the white space around the figure is sort of like a shield bubble protecting her from the color, or it could be an explosion, blasting the color out of her and into the space around her to cover up the black... but there's still that black shadow, which to me, like, is representative of how everyone has a darkness to them, no matter how much they try to cover it.
So all in all, really great.
So all in all, really great.
I like this one based purely on how hard it is to do a piece like this, as in newspaper-style. Yes, I have tried. I will admit, the Latin confused me until GGA linked what it was. I think it would have been stronger to either have the main article continue or to have that be a different article. I'm... actually a little disappointed that it wasn't either of those.
Not much else to say, really, except good job, and holy cats that's an expensive paper...
Not much else to say, really, except good job, and holy cats that's an expensive paper...
I'm not gonna do a full review of this because finals are coming up, and I'm writing enough as it is. But I'll give an abbreviated version of my trademark long-ass reviews.
Top slate. Good job.
Good sense of scene direction and composition of details. How things are described here show a particular strength in economy of words and use of implicit description. Not every line is a winner, though, and drafting still needs be tightened.
Worst line: "The weight of this... book? As they would've called it in a more civilized time."
Very hokey. Undercuts your tone with such a hackneyed phrasing and use of ellipsis. Also wholly unnecessary. Story is better without it.
Excellent ending line. Best in the competition. Great use of irony. Honestly concerned that you might be making an homage or something to a similar preexisting work and that ending is not entirely your original creation simply because of how good it is. Deliciously cruel and nihilistic, almost humorous in how pointlessly spiteful it is. It's as if you gave characters locked in a room the key, but instead of using it to escape, they hammered it into an arrow tip, all the while berating the one guy who thought it might been a good idea to keep the key.
Top slate. Good job.
Good sense of scene direction and composition of details. How things are described here show a particular strength in economy of words and use of implicit description. Not every line is a winner, though, and drafting still needs be tightened.
Worst line: "The weight of this... book? As they would've called it in a more civilized time."
Very hokey. Undercuts your tone with such a hackneyed phrasing and use of ellipsis. Also wholly unnecessary. Story is better without it.
Excellent ending line. Best in the competition. Great use of irony. Honestly concerned that you might be making an homage or something to a similar preexisting work and that ending is not entirely your original creation simply because of how good it is. Deliciously cruel and nihilistic, almost humorous in how pointlessly spiteful it is. It's as if you gave characters locked in a room the key, but instead of using it to escape, they hammered it into an arrow tip, all the while berating the one guy who thought it might been a good idea to keep the key.
I'm having:
Flashbacks to I Am Legend--or more specifically the version that Charleton Heston made in the 1970s as The Omega Man--with all the talk of crazed, vampiric, pale-skinned mutants and making a serum out the main character's blood.and all that. But I'm not sure what happens at the end: our narrator has become a vampire, but the humans need his blood to change the infected humans back? How would they know? Have them been experimenting with other vampires? I'd say this needs more space for explanations.
Mike
Flashbacks to I Am Legend--or more specifically the version that Charleton Heston made in the 1970s as The Omega Man--with all the talk of crazed, vampiric, pale-skinned mutants and making a serum out the main character's blood.and all that. But I'm not sure what happens at the end: our narrator has become a vampire, but the humans need his blood to change the infected humans back? How would they know? Have them been experimenting with other vampires? I'd say this needs more space for explanations.
Mike
There's really nothing about this that I don't like. The colors compliment each other well, the beast has a striking silhouette, and there's a surprising amount of motion, here, with how you drew its torso. The upward angle of its belly really gives the impression that its vomiting is forceful. Excellent stuff. I'll eat my (not a) hat if this doesn't win.
There are:
A lotta stories this time around that I don't quite understand. April seems to be saying that having a treatment to remove a person's love and concern is just as bad in her eyes as having a treatment to remove a person's fear and hatred. If that's the point the story's trying to make, I'm gonna need some more discussion of it...
Mike
A lotta stories this time around that I don't quite understand. April seems to be saying that having a treatment to remove a person's love and concern is just as bad in her eyes as having a treatment to remove a person's fear and hatred. If that's the point the story's trying to make, I'm gonna need some more discussion of it...
Mike
I admit that it took me about five or ten seconds to even realize what I was looking at, here. Which may not sound like a big deal, but I do believe that in most visual art, there needs to be some kind of immediate recognizability for the viewer to latch on to and start synthesizing thoughts. In that sense, ten seconds of fumbling and looking up at the title to try to get a hint really hunts you.
I think you've greyed out the earth too much here, until it bleeds into the background. I didn't even see the earth's silhouette at first, only the colored central spot and vague whitish shapes around it. I think you'd need to make sure everything is much more recognizable for this to work as intended.
I think you've greyed out the earth too much here, until it bleeds into the background. I didn't even see the earth's silhouette at first, only the colored central spot and vague whitish shapes around it. I think you'd need to make sure everything is much more recognizable for this to work as intended.
This is really simple, and I really liked it. I liked how all of the colors and lines aren't completely solid; it gives the piece a character that wouldn't be there with a plain black background and vectored white lines. This is open to interpretation, which a lot of people won't be comfortable with, but personally I think it's great, and I'm rating it highly.
One small nitpick is that the person's right left (on our left) doesn't seem attached to his body; the line ends where his arm covers it up.
One small nitpick is that the person's right left (on our left) doesn't seem attached to his body; the line ends where his arm covers it up.
This one sat oddly with me for some reason. I think it has to do with the fact that the figure is very sketchily drawn, but the lines themselves are really clean. It kind of reminded me of mid-2000's MIcrosoft Word clip art, in a way. I'm also not sure if the black-white gradient underneath the colors works the way you intended. intead of giving me a claustrophobic vibe (as I suspect it was meant to) it kind of made me feel like I was squinting at the piece. Which made it a tad frustrating.
Sorry, I'm being really subjective, and I don't know nearly enough about art to tell you why I feel the way I do.
Sorry, I'm being really subjective, and I don't know nearly enough about art to tell you why I feel the way I do.
I really like the idea of the penciled-in foreground, with the strikingly bright watercolor background. It really jumps out at you, even from the thumbnail.
As for nitpicks, I am getting a bit of an uncanny valley with her face, but I'm not sure why. Something to do with the eyes, maybe? Or maybe I'm just finding this piece as a whole a tad off-putting, which was your goal anyway. :P
Nice stuff!
As for nitpicks, I am getting a bit of an uncanny valley with her face, but I'm not sure why. Something to do with the eyes, maybe? Or maybe I'm just finding this piece as a whole a tad off-putting, which was your goal anyway. :P
Nice stuff!
I liked the ripple effect, here. It really gives the piece a sense of weight and motion.But I do have to agree with GGA that it's tough to immediately make out what's going on. for instance, I can clearly see a thumb, but I can't tell where the other fingers end and where the handle begins.
Well, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take away from this one. You conveyed the clever thought that you had regarding the prompt, but personally, I don't think the visual art medium really compliments this. I almost feel that it would have actually been better if you had only had "colour" up there, without the other words, which kind of add redundancy.
I have to agree with Dubs that it's the stark contrast between the clearly defined rat and skull and the murky, lineless background is a big clash. It makes me wonder what my eye is supposed to be focusing on, and it's frustrating because everything in the middle of the picture (where I naturally want to look) is blurry.At the very least, I think you should have given the horizon a bit more definition. Right now, the piece as a whole just kind of feels thrown-together and odd to me.
It's a clever idea; basically a fic entry in and of itself. I envy this kind of creativity.
As for the picture itself, it looks and feels super sharp and clean. But it does lack a little something to make it feel like this is an actual magazine or a newspaper. Maybe it's a little too clean; it feels like I might be looking at a webpage or something.
As for the picture itself, it looks and feels super sharp and clean. But it does lack a little something to make it feel like this is an actual magazine or a newspaper. Maybe it's a little too clean; it feels like I might be looking at a webpage or something.
I don't know jack shit about photography, so I'll just say that I think it was a great decision to pull out your camera and snap this when you saw it. I also like the perspective that you took the photo at; it gives the piece some nice, pleasing angles and introduces a cant that compliments the direction of the fallen tombstone. Cool stuff!
This feels a bit thrown-together to me. The room being so empty is a little bit disconcerting, and it makes everything in the foreground feel sterile. I would definitely advocate moving the room's corner angle two or three inches to the left and cutting out the resulting whitespace. It'll make your piece feel a bit better composed.
As for the rest, you're using some pretty basic shapes to convey what you're trying to show, here. Which, while definitely infinitely better than anything I could ever do, does feel a bit barebones. I'm not qualified in any way to offer suggestions, but I think the sort of details and shapework that this piece needs to feel complete probably come with practice and time.
As for the rest, you're using some pretty basic shapes to convey what you're trying to show, here. Which, while definitely infinitely better than anything I could ever do, does feel a bit barebones. I'm not qualified in any way to offer suggestions, but I think the sort of details and shapework that this piece needs to feel complete probably come with practice and time.
This is pretty neat. It feels a bit washed-out, but that's just what watercolors do, don't they? The piece still conveys the subject nicely. I'm not sure how you applied the shadows on the left and right, but those look excellent as well.
I really liked how you maintained silhouettes and distinct shapes, here, but if I do have to point out a nitpick, I'd say that the pear is bleeding into the upper apple a bit. Or vice versa.
I really liked how you maintained silhouettes and distinct shapes, here, but if I do have to point out a nitpick, I'd say that the pear is bleeding into the upper apple a bit. Or vice versa.
This was another piece that I kind of had to stare at for a while. At first I thought the orange and black spots were supposed to represent cities or something, and it was only when I read GGA's comment that I realized what the picture was trying to depict.
IMO, if you're going for the ultra-simplistic/symbolic route here, I think you need to make the orange spots a lot more tear-drop shaped, just to really convey what they are. And it wouldn't hurt either to reduce the number of holes, so the piece doesn't feel so much like a crowded gathering of spots. Maybe 3 holes in total would be enough.
IMO, if you're going for the ultra-simplistic/symbolic route here, I think you need to make the orange spots a lot more tear-drop shaped, just to really convey what they are. And it wouldn't hurt either to reduce the number of holes, so the piece doesn't feel so much like a crowded gathering of spots. Maybe 3 holes in total would be enough.
I liked the pointy effect you did with the shadows, and I really, really liked how each of the silhouettes in the background are posed in a way that lets you instantly know how far they are from the main character and where they're standing, despite the fact that we've got no horizon or landmarks as a reference. Really well-composed, IMO.
The grey girl is another great part. I like her face and I like the wrinkles you put into her clothes. Everything about her comes together to very clearly convey a specific emotion that's hard to put to words. Basically, you did what visual art does best, so great job!
The grey girl is another great part. I like her face and I like the wrinkles you put into her clothes. Everything about her comes together to very clearly convey a specific emotion that's hard to put to words. Basically, you did what visual art does best, so great job!
This entry kinda rubbed me the wrong way. Sorry, Author. Here's a disclaimer for you though, before I get into this: I'm basing this entirely on what I'm seeing in front of me, and I fully accept that I could be wrong about your intentions on all counts. But I want you to know how I reacted.
And no, it's not about California.
You've chosen to dissect a fact of life that most everybody learns at a young age—that forest fires are a thing, and that they are (historically) a natural method of keeping a forest healthy. Alright, good stuff. Now what have you added to this plotline?
It's not characters; we don't have any of those, miscellaneous woodland creatures notwithstanding. There's no sci-fi or fantasy twist. I don't see a unique message or some commentary you wanted to put forth. And as I've already mentioned, you're not shining a light on anything that people aren't already aware of.
All I can see that you've added is prose. Sharp, choppy, melodramatic prose that's filled to its absolute limit with repetition. It's even quirky, too—giving the colours capitalized letters and whatnot. It shows significant skill, but it's so over the top.
I mean, what emotion did you want this story to convey? Because the prose is so distracting and the plotline isn't something that's keeping me guessing, so most emotions are out. I'm gonna be honest, and again, this is just my reaction, and I could be wrong, but it feels like you wanted everybody to be impressed with your prose.
And that's what this boils down to. You've let your prose be the main event when it's supposed to be the vehicle that gets us there.
If there was a deeper emotion or message that you wanted from this story, then I apologize. But I just don't see anything else here. Maybe others can elucidate things.
But that's all from me. Thanks for writing and best of luck to you!
And no, it's not about California.
You've chosen to dissect a fact of life that most everybody learns at a young age—that forest fires are a thing, and that they are (historically) a natural method of keeping a forest healthy. Alright, good stuff. Now what have you added to this plotline?
It's not characters; we don't have any of those, miscellaneous woodland creatures notwithstanding. There's no sci-fi or fantasy twist. I don't see a unique message or some commentary you wanted to put forth. And as I've already mentioned, you're not shining a light on anything that people aren't already aware of.
All I can see that you've added is prose. Sharp, choppy, melodramatic prose that's filled to its absolute limit with repetition. It's even quirky, too—giving the colours capitalized letters and whatnot. It shows significant skill, but it's so over the top.
I mean, what emotion did you want this story to convey? Because the prose is so distracting and the plotline isn't something that's keeping me guessing, so most emotions are out. I'm gonna be honest, and again, this is just my reaction, and I could be wrong, but it feels like you wanted everybody to be impressed with your prose.
And that's what this boils down to. You've let your prose be the main event when it's supposed to be the vehicle that gets us there.
If there was a deeper emotion or message that you wanted from this story, then I apologize. But I just don't see anything else here. Maybe others can elucidate things.
But that's all from me. Thanks for writing and best of luck to you!
This piece gives me a strong feeling of futility. It's interesting that you've boxed them in. It seems like they can't even reach the light that might illuminate things. And in that case, even if it was on, the light wouldn't reach them anyways.
Not to mention the fact that there's nothing out there. And you've compounded that with the fact that the board has been wiped clean—we can see the wipe marks. A-ha! And there's the alt-text, adding even more to that feeling.
I'm impressed you managed to make everything so futile without including a facial expression. Top drawer.
Not to mention the fact that there's nothing out there. And you've compounded that with the fact that the board has been wiped clean—we can see the wipe marks. A-ha! And there's the alt-text, adding even more to that feeling.
I'm impressed you managed to make everything so futile without including a facial expression. Top drawer.
Alternate Title: The Boy in the Rainbow Pajamas
You know, author, you could've made this story really boring. Like a typical coming-of-age story so banal as to be insufferable. You could given us all a bad time and I'd have to be my usual bitchy self.
But you know what? I really dig this, man.
It's not the premise itself that gets to me, because if you take away the eccentricities of the writing this would be a far more standard kind narrative, and Johnny would be a blander protagonist. But it's the little things here that elevate it, little cadences in the prose, how things are mostly described and not told.
For instance, I like how we can gather what kind of family Johnny belongs to, just by how their evening routine is laid out. It also took me a moment to realize they probably watch soccer and not American football, since this entry is written in a very British (but not snooty) way. We also get a reference to Nazi Zombies (I think?) without it seeming like an obnoxious sign-of-the-times thing. It also helps that the particular game being referenced is relevant in how it exhibits Johnny's condition.
As for the girl... I think she's imaginary. I see this story as being ultimately more metaphorical than literal, and Kelly's existence and relationship with Johnny seems to reaffirm this.
Johnny himself is a fairly well-developed kid character, and even though he's clearly based on an archetype I find him more empathetic and endearing than most; he's not just sad because that becomes his role in life.
The thing with the colors confused me at first, because I didn't know if this was going to be like a supernatural horror tale or what have you, but it's actually a deeply sad coming-of-age story. We're never told Johnny's age, but I can safely guess he's on the cusp of becoming a teenager, maybe ten or eleven years old. And growing up sucks in some ways, man.
The fact that we're shown all this in quick bursts is impressive on its own, considering most minifics are one scene (maybe two) long and it requires some seriously economical thinking with words to make these lightning-fast scenes work.
But they do, and so does this entry as a whole.
I really like it, okay?
Although I swear if Miller Minus wrote it I'm gonna shit a brick.
You know, author, you could've made this story really boring. Like a typical coming-of-age story so banal as to be insufferable. You could given us all a bad time and I'd have to be my usual bitchy self.
But you know what? I really dig this, man.
It's not the premise itself that gets to me, because if you take away the eccentricities of the writing this would be a far more standard kind narrative, and Johnny would be a blander protagonist. But it's the little things here that elevate it, little cadences in the prose, how things are mostly described and not told.
For instance, I like how we can gather what kind of family Johnny belongs to, just by how their evening routine is laid out. It also took me a moment to realize they probably watch soccer and not American football, since this entry is written in a very British (but not snooty) way. We also get a reference to Nazi Zombies (I think?) without it seeming like an obnoxious sign-of-the-times thing. It also helps that the particular game being referenced is relevant in how it exhibits Johnny's condition.
As for the girl... I think she's imaginary. I see this story as being ultimately more metaphorical than literal, and Kelly's existence and relationship with Johnny seems to reaffirm this.
Johnny himself is a fairly well-developed kid character, and even though he's clearly based on an archetype I find him more empathetic and endearing than most; he's not just sad because that becomes his role in life.
The thing with the colors confused me at first, because I didn't know if this was going to be like a supernatural horror tale or what have you, but it's actually a deeply sad coming-of-age story. We're never told Johnny's age, but I can safely guess he's on the cusp of becoming a teenager, maybe ten or eleven years old. And growing up sucks in some ways, man.
The fact that we're shown all this in quick bursts is impressive on its own, considering most minifics are one scene (maybe two) long and it requires some seriously economical thinking with words to make these lightning-fast scenes work.
But they do, and so does this entry as a whole.
I really like it, okay?
Although I swear if Miller Minus wrote it I'm gonna shit a brick.
An interesting, thoughtful shot. It's cropped perfectly, though I may have liked a different angle. I like low shots, and we could have had more graves that way.
I'm kind of disappointed that no authors went with a story discussing the sizes of people's graves vs. the sizes of their coffins (the former often ranging widely, the latter being more consistent). Or something like that.
But I guess that would be a meditation, and nobody likes those.
This picture makes me want to meditate.
I'm kind of disappointed that no authors went with a story discussing the sizes of people's graves vs. the sizes of their coffins (the former often ranging widely, the latter being more consistent). Or something like that.
But I guess that would be a meditation, and nobody likes those.
This picture makes me want to meditate.
I think this works well. It's messy, but that's the point, like it's a physical representation of the really loud noise that must have just sounded. I do wish I had seen it before I saw the title, to give a better idea of how clear it is.
And I'm curious why you chose purple for the background. I feel it takes away from the "forge" setting a little bit, and the contrast with the white isn't very friendly.
This picture makes me want to cover my ears, but in a good way.
And I'm curious why you chose purple for the background. I feel it takes away from the "forge" setting a little bit, and the contrast with the white isn't very friendly.
This picture makes me want to cover my ears, but in a good way.
This one struggles from appearing low-effort regardless of how much effort was put in. I wonder how it would look if all of it were calligraphy-esque, not even just the u.
I think it's not only the focus contrast, but also the amount of things in the picture that hurt the impact a little. This dude is already a skull, even though the bomb just went off. Plus, his body is MIA, and I'm struggling to picture a scenario where that would happen and there wouldn't be more things lying around.
It's a busy scene, but the execution is missing busy-ness.
It's a busy scene, but the execution is missing busy-ness.
You must have known we were going to keep reading! A full introduction to that article could have elevated this entry really high, but without it it's so disappointing. I know that it's been said already, but the impact those words could have had can't be understated.
Unless words are frowned upon in an art round. I don't know anything about that.
Congrats on inspiring several entries!
Unless words are frowned upon in an art round. I don't know anything about that.
Congrats on inspiring several entries!
Alternate Title: How Can Auras Be Real if Our Eyes Aren't Real?
Oh fucking hell.
I feel the need to apologize for what I'm about to say right here, because in spite of my complaints this a pretty solidly written entry, barring a few phrasing misfires. It's very tightly written in the sense that we don't linger on anything for too long, and while this is pretty dialogue-heavy I don't find it as suffocating as a few other entries this round.
With that out of the way, though...
I feel like I got cheated out of a really good comedy here. Or maybe a really good philosophical slice-of-life deal, but this story doesn't really try to be a comedy, in spite of its premise, and it ends up being very light on the philosophical end.
The narrator, I know I'm not the only one in saying I wasn't a fan of him. He's passive, true, but what's worse is that he seems hung up on things that either don't matter or don't make sense; he goes out with this girl who, from what we hear about her Tinder profile, seems low-key like the neo-hippie type, but he gets all boohoo about her believing in auras?
Come on, man, you ever fucked a pagan? Or a Satanist? Or generally one of those goth girls who likes granola bars and casual sex, which sounds like a pretty fun time if you ask me.
Maybe it's because we know very little about the narrator, aside from the fact that he seems like one of those directionless twenty-something dudes who often thinks about that one girlfriend he had in high school. I swear I'm not projecting here, even though my therapist will tell you otherwise.
Then there's the ending, or rather the lack of ending. I'm surprised nobody's mentioned how much of a whimper this story ends on. A kiss on the cheek? A kiss on the fucking cheek? And then I guess they go on another date next week where once again little to no progress will be made.
Anyway, I wouldn't put this at the bottom of my slate. Probably in the lower-middle. It could use some expansion and revisions.
Oh fucking hell.
I feel the need to apologize for what I'm about to say right here, because in spite of my complaints this a pretty solidly written entry, barring a few phrasing misfires. It's very tightly written in the sense that we don't linger on anything for too long, and while this is pretty dialogue-heavy I don't find it as suffocating as a few other entries this round.
With that out of the way, though...
I feel like I got cheated out of a really good comedy here. Or maybe a really good philosophical slice-of-life deal, but this story doesn't really try to be a comedy, in spite of its premise, and it ends up being very light on the philosophical end.
The narrator, I know I'm not the only one in saying I wasn't a fan of him. He's passive, true, but what's worse is that he seems hung up on things that either don't matter or don't make sense; he goes out with this girl who, from what we hear about her Tinder profile, seems low-key like the neo-hippie type, but he gets all boohoo about her believing in auras?
Come on, man, you ever fucked a pagan? Or a Satanist? Or generally one of those goth girls who likes granola bars and casual sex, which sounds like a pretty fun time if you ask me.
Maybe it's because we know very little about the narrator, aside from the fact that he seems like one of those directionless twenty-something dudes who often thinks about that one girlfriend he had in high school. I swear I'm not projecting here, even though my therapist will tell you otherwise.
Then there's the ending, or rather the lack of ending. I'm surprised nobody's mentioned how much of a whimper this story ends on. A kiss on the cheek? A kiss on the fucking cheek? And then I guess they go on another date next week where once again little to no progress will be made.
Anyway, I wouldn't put this at the bottom of my slate. Probably in the lower-middle. It could use some expansion and revisions.
I think there's a similar issue to The Last Connoisseurs of Warm Colours going on here, in that the focus contrasts between the colours and the person. Abstract images without boundaries make me think of chaos, and a literal lack of focus, while straight lines give me the feeling of control and conciseness. Yet the character who looks out of control is so in focus, so it strikes me as odd. I also can't make sense of why there's so much black pouring in from the outside. Another contrast.
And if I look closely I can see the same patch of water colour being used repeatedly, with the size unchanged, which is a bit of a peek behind the curtain that takes away from the piece.
Well, in the end, you gave me the emotion you wanted to!
And if I look closely I can see the same patch of water colour being used repeatedly, with the size unchanged, which is a bit of a peek behind the curtain that takes away from the piece.
Well, in the end, you gave me the emotion you wanted to!
No I am alright it's just i'm so stressed from work and I'm not getting enough sleep—
Sorry.
Good job, Artist, this gets across what you want it to. My only comment is that the green girl I think needs a tune-up. I get that you were going for unfocused, but the other two phantoms are looking a lot better in that regard, while Mrs. Green does not look like she would resolve into a person. The body-shape is weird and the hair isn't really wrapping around the head like it does with our protagonist here.
Pictures have protagonists, right? I'm new at this.
Sorry.
Good job, Artist, this gets across what you want it to. My only comment is that the green girl I think needs a tune-up. I get that you were going for unfocused, but the other two phantoms are looking a lot better in that regard, while Mrs. Green does not look like she would resolve into a person. The body-shape is weird and the hair isn't really wrapping around the head like it does with our protagonist here.
Pictures have protagonists, right? I'm new at this.
This feels strikingly political and yet I don't know what it's trying to say. I can't even guess. I think it may be because the image is so crisp, yet it's going for a violent message of some kind. It feels too minimalist, like it's a cartoon.
I'm sure there's a good idea in here.
I'm sure there's a good idea in here.
Is it just me or is this picture very grainy? How did this get from the physical world to the screen? It's still very nice, I just wish I could see it full-glory. Can I spot you my address?
Turn back, Artist. You will find no praise here. I think you've had quite enough, and so has your gorgeous, unique, amazing piece of art DAMNIT!
Wait, hang on. I think the horn that's further from us should be more hidden, because it kind of looks like it's in the center of the creature's head, instead of on the opposite side.
I DID IT.
Wait, hang on. I think the horn that's further from us should be more hidden, because it kind of looks like it's in the center of the creature's head, instead of on the opposite side.
I DID IT.
I've forgotten what the Alamo is.
I think this is thought-provoking, I mean you did get two stories out of it. My only concern is that this looks low-effort, not that it necessarily was.
Unless you took this picture yourself, in which case, send me a DM and I'll put you right at the top, damn!
Don't actually.
I think this is thought-provoking, I mean you did get two stories out of it. My only concern is that this looks low-effort, not that it necessarily was.
Unless you took this picture yourself, in which case, send me a DM and I'll put you right at the top, damn!
Don't actually.
I notice that the background ends at the boundary of the person, as opposed to looking like it keeps going behind her. That feels like a useless critique because you were obviously limited outside of your control—I mean how could you make the colours go behind her while keeping the same ghost-like contrast?
I'm saying the word contrast a lot in these reviews.
I think the uncanny valley-ness might be coming from the nose, somewhat. And perhaps more detail in the mouth could have added some more depth to the image.
I'm saying the word contrast a lot in these reviews.
I think the uncanny valley-ness might be coming from the nose, somewhat. And perhaps more detail in the mouth could have added some more depth to the image.
The white-speckled boundaries of the colour and the black lines are giving me awful flashbacks to when I first tried to make art using Paint, found it was really freaking hard, and dropped it immediately. So you have my respect for sticking with it and finishing your image.
I can say that the layers tool in GIMP or Photoshop helps get rid of those.
Don't ask me how.
I'm surprised this didn't get more stories. I think, despite other entries having a cleaner execution, that this one was begging to be written about.
I can say that the layers tool in GIMP or Photoshop helps get rid of those.
Don't ask me how.
I'm surprised this didn't get more stories. I think, despite other entries having a cleaner execution, that this one was begging to be written about.
Let's talk characters.
Tavo is a poor idiot apprentice who is not very good at being an apprentice and wishes he had his teacher's acceptance. It's obvious what you want the reader to feel from him: you want us to feel sorry, and hope things go well for him. Even better, it would be nice if we saw him succeed against expectations. That unfortunately doesn't happen, but just having us want it to happen is enough to engage us.
But then there's Kavarn. Remember how I said we want to see Tavo come around? Well, here is his master, being incredibly rude to him, and even going so far as to physically abuse him. Of course, if he were a villain this could work. But I don't think villainy is what you were going for with his character, since he's cracking jokes.
It's a tone problem, at the end of the day. Was it comedy you were aiming for? Because comedy is hard to do when a character we like is being backhanded to the floor for trying to do something nice. And most other genres are lost due to Kavarn's jovial attitude.
It's great dialogue, though! Like Samey says, if this were part of something much larger it could be just fine, but viewed as its own story it's tough to really grab hold of.
Thanks for writing, though, and good luck!
Tavo is a poor idiot apprentice who is not very good at being an apprentice and wishes he had his teacher's acceptance. It's obvious what you want the reader to feel from him: you want us to feel sorry, and hope things go well for him. Even better, it would be nice if we saw him succeed against expectations. That unfortunately doesn't happen, but just having us want it to happen is enough to engage us.
But then there's Kavarn. Remember how I said we want to see Tavo come around? Well, here is his master, being incredibly rude to him, and even going so far as to physically abuse him. Of course, if he were a villain this could work. But I don't think villainy is what you were going for with his character, since he's cracking jokes.
It's a tone problem, at the end of the day. Was it comedy you were aiming for? Because comedy is hard to do when a character we like is being backhanded to the floor for trying to do something nice. And most other genres are lost due to Kavarn's jovial attitude.
It's great dialogue, though! Like Samey says, if this were part of something much larger it could be just fine, but viewed as its own story it's tough to really grab hold of.
Thanks for writing, though, and good luck!
This'll go:
In the top half of my slate on the strength of the writing alone, but that all I got from it. I haven't a clue as to what's happening except that unhappy Johnny gets unhappier...
Mike
In the top half of my slate on the strength of the writing alone, but that all I got from it. I haven't a clue as to what's happening except that unhappy Johnny gets unhappier...
Mike
Bottom slate for barging into my territory of archetypal fantasy. That's what I do in the Writeoff, stop stealing. =( =( =(
All jokes aside, I want to say I disagree with a lot of the critiques above. What I think is the core problem is that you do not have a complete story present. You have the back half of the climax and the denouement, but not the rest. Simply put, we're not given any chance to see the arc here for Kavarn, which I think is a real problem because him being a colossal fuck up is integral to the story and without really getting to see what leads him to make what is a series of very stupid decisions it is very hard to sympathize with him.
The door said keep out. Don't fuck with it man. You need to justify it if you're going to.
However, if you can build in and show us a reason why he'd do this, then it is much easier to land the emotional punch you were going for. I'm not quite sure you can manage the full arc in 750 words, but I feel you should be able to get something close if you kept the breaking of the sword and the (somewhat deserved) smackdown short and to the point.
Thanks for writing!
All jokes aside, I want to say I disagree with a lot of the critiques above. What I think is the core problem is that you do not have a complete story present. You have the back half of the climax and the denouement, but not the rest. Simply put, we're not given any chance to see the arc here for Kavarn, which I think is a real problem because him being a colossal fuck up is integral to the story and without really getting to see what leads him to make what is a series of very stupid decisions it is very hard to sympathize with him.
The door said keep out. Don't fuck with it man. You need to justify it if you're going to.
However, if you can build in and show us a reason why he'd do this, then it is much easier to land the emotional punch you were going for. I'm not quite sure you can manage the full arc in 750 words, but I feel you should be able to get something close if you kept the breaking of the sword and the (somewhat deserved) smackdown short and to the point.
Thanks for writing!
>>GaPJaxie
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
Yay! Thank you guys so much for the praise. I can't express how much I appreciate it. Also, I realize that I'm not as anonymous as my username might suggest, lol. I just wanted you guys to have a picture you could gain inspiration from. Also, sorry if there's any spelling mistakes. I'm typing furiously in class right now. I'm so honored so many stories were based off of my art. Thank you guys again. <3
GGA gosh darn it. I wanted to keep anonymous. Shhhhhhhhh...
Miller. I was laughing so hard when I saw your comment. When I lined the picture I realized the horn was off and my eye was drawn to it every single time I opened the picture. Thanks for the critique, though. :P
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
Yay! Thank you guys so much for the praise. I can't express how much I appreciate it. Also, I realize that I'm not as anonymous as my username might suggest, lol. I just wanted you guys to have a picture you could gain inspiration from. Also, sorry if there's any spelling mistakes. I'm typing furiously in class right now. I'm so honored so many stories were based off of my art. Thank you guys again. <3
GGA gosh darn it. I wanted to keep anonymous. Shhhhhhhhh...
Miller. I was laughing so hard when I saw your comment. When I lined the picture I realized the horn was off and my eye was drawn to it every single time I opened the picture. Thanks for the critique, though. :P
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
Uh, thanks for commenting. This drawing was hacked in ten minutes, so fast I didn't even notice that I'd used orange instead of red. Hark hark.
Probably deserved last place. I feel sorry for Baal.
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
Uh, thanks for commenting. This drawing was hacked in ten minutes, so fast I didn't even notice that I'd used orange instead of red. Hark hark.
Probably deserved last place. I feel sorry for Baal.
As a non-dentist, I'm really not qualified for this. Here goes nothing.
To me, the idea at the first was committing suicide. The second idea was about a disease caused by the lack of dentists thereof. I feel like I'm not putting two and two together. It seems to me that there are two ideas to this story, fighting for control, unable to bridge the gap in between. A little bit of closure would've helped. Forgive me if it said something of the sort, but maybe a little resolve would be that the Dentists formed this pact because they identified a disease that they can't cure, and in order to avoid the hatred and scrutiny from media they resorted to extreme measures.
Given the fact that you first had to establish "this caused this" is understandable though (and 750 word max doesn't provide any leeway). All I'm saying is that this needs a little more explanation.
All in all, this type of humor (don't kill me for dropping the "u") is not my cup of tea. But, in comparison to "purple days" (which is scarily similar) I appreciate this piece a little more.
I hope this comment was useful. If not, ignore me.
Thanks for Writing! (please don't hurt me Miller!)
To me, the idea at the first was committing suicide. The second idea was about a disease caused by the lack of dentists thereof. I feel like I'm not putting two and two together. It seems to me that there are two ideas to this story, fighting for control, unable to bridge the gap in between. A little bit of closure would've helped. Forgive me if it said something of the sort, but maybe a little resolve would be that the Dentists formed this pact because they identified a disease that they can't cure, and in order to avoid the hatred and scrutiny from media they resorted to extreme measures.
Given the fact that you first had to establish "this caused this" is understandable though (and 750 word max doesn't provide any leeway). All I'm saying is that this needs a little more explanation.
All in all, this type of humor (don't kill me for dropping the "u") is not my cup of tea. But, in comparison to "purple days" (which is scarily similar) I appreciate this piece a little more.
I hope this comment was useful. If not, ignore me.
Thanks for Writing! (please don't hurt me Miller!)
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
Thanks for taking the time, folks:
Like I said here-->>Baal Bunny--I never meant to enter the art contest. I just wanted to see how the site's mechanism worked and then couldn't figure out the "delete" process. Thank you doubly, >>Miller Minus, for the info on how to do that.
But since I couldn't make this one go away, I figured "in for a penny, in for a pound," got my pen out, and threw my other entry together in about 15 minutes including the scanning. It didn't occur to me till after the submissions deadline that I could've replaced this one with the other one using the "edit" function and not suffered the penalties for both bad art and multiple entries. But now, due to my inability to figure out the website, I have -77 points on the art scoreboard. It makes me wonder--I know the scores in the fiction contest drop by a certain amount each round, but do negative amounts get more negative?
I guess we'll find out. :)
Mike
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
Thanks for taking the time, folks:
Like I said here-->>Baal Bunny--I never meant to enter the art contest. I just wanted to see how the site's mechanism worked and then couldn't figure out the "delete" process. Thank you doubly, >>Miller Minus, for the info on how to do that.
But since I couldn't make this one go away, I figured "in for a penny, in for a pound," got my pen out, and threw my other entry together in about 15 minutes including the scanning. It didn't occur to me till after the submissions deadline that I could've replaced this one with the other one using the "edit" function and not suffered the penalties for both bad art and multiple entries. But now, due to my inability to figure out the website, I have -77 points on the art scoreboard. It makes me wonder--I know the scores in the fiction contest drop by a certain amount each round, but do negative amounts get more negative?
I guess we'll find out. :)
Mike
Bottom slate because I color coded my reviews and got them mixed up. Sorry.
It might be the late hour, but I am having trouble really formulating a critique for the story. Fundamentally, I think the problem is that it is enough enough. It is not silly enough to really push back against the really grim subject matter, and it isn't grim enough to allow for the punchline to be extra absurd. It is just sort of stuck in the middle. And I think that's what it needs to do: choose one of those extremes and make sure it fits in them.
It might be the late hour, but I am having trouble really formulating a critique for the story. Fundamentally, I think the problem is that it is enough enough. It is not silly enough to really push back against the really grim subject matter, and it isn't grim enough to allow for the punchline to be extra absurd. It is just sort of stuck in the middle. And I think that's what it needs to do: choose one of those extremes and make sure it fits in them.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
This one, then:
Was the one I did after I couldn't figure out how to delete the one I never really meant to enter in the first place. I'll thank folks again for the kind words, especially Bachiavellian's talk about "practice and time." Unfortunately, I've been drawing at least 11 pages of comics a week for more than 13 years now on my Daily Grind and Terebinth webcomic sites. So I don't even have that excuse.
So remember, kids: just because you do something for a long time doesn't make you get better at it. :)
Mike Again
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
This one, then:
Was the one I did after I couldn't figure out how to delete the one I never really meant to enter in the first place. I'll thank folks again for the kind words, especially Bachiavellian's talk about "practice and time." Unfortunately, I've been drawing at least 11 pages of comics a week for more than 13 years now on my Daily Grind and Terebinth webcomic sites. So I don't even have that excuse.
So remember, kids: just because you do something for a long time doesn't make you get better at it. :)
Mike Again
This story is rather sparse when it comes to details. We never know what kind of business those guys are going for at first, what are their names, and whatnot. As Miller put it, talking heads. Also, the house-painting guy has some kind of accent at first, which he mysteriously loses in the second act.
Also, paint or not, the dude doesn't seem very wise to begin with, throwing a suit in the washer like that. I'm not sure how about him, but all suits I ever owned were dry-cleaning only.
Also, paint or not, the dude doesn't seem very wise to begin with, throwing a suit in the washer like that. I'm not sure how about him, but all suits I ever owned were dry-cleaning only.
>>Monokeras
I'd say this story could use a few less characters. Every line, I got a new name (I think there was the narrator, Gus, Steve, Sharon, and Meghan, and most of them were pretty much interchangeable).
Also:
Everyone who survived the apocalypse is a millenial... xD
The dialogue feels like talking heads, because nothing really much happens aside from it.
I'd say this story could use a few less characters. Every line, I got a new name (I think there was the narrator, Gus, Steve, Sharon, and Meghan, and most of them were pretty much interchangeable).
Also:
"Just to be clear, we're doing this to kill ourselves, not to restore the wasteland, right?" I said.
I got a round of yeses.
Everyone who survived the apocalypse is a millenial... xD
>>AndrewRogue
I agree with Andrew's comments about this being only half an arc, but in the other direction. What I feel you've given us here is the set-up and rising action, but not the climax or denouement.
The "twist" (I use that term loosely) here is that the sword Tavo labored over is actually shite. The way this is structured, it seems to be setting itself up for a second "twist" – one that redeems Tavo and possibly puts Kavarn in his place. But right now, Andrew and I agree that this is half an arc, waiting for a more complete story.
I agree with Andrew's comments about this being only half an arc, but in the other direction. What I feel you've given us here is the set-up and rising action, but not the climax or denouement.
The "twist" (I use that term loosely) here is that the sword Tavo labored over is actually shite. The way this is structured, it seems to be setting itself up for a second "twist" – one that redeems Tavo and possibly puts Kavarn in his place. But right now, Andrew and I agree that this is half an arc, waiting for a more complete story.
Your Story's Theme Song: Shane Carruth - A Young Forest Growing Up Under Your Meadows
You know, as much as I don't like doing it, I just felt compelled to compare this story to another. Not to any of our wolf-related entries back in September (as much as I want to because wolf, coyote, same difference) but to another story in our current batch that I've reviewed.
When I read this, I had a similar inkling of a gut feeling I had when also reading Colourless Blues, in that both stories had a simple, somewhat straightforward narrative, but I find their merits truly lie in the details of the writing. It's the details that really make up what I like about both entries. The final line of this story, in particular, is a perfect example of what I mean.
However, I think this story failed to do what the other story did for me, in that it just seems to lack focus. I'm struggling to immerse myself in this even after reading it over and over again. It's not that I think every story needs a moral or a message, but this story doesn't seem to attempt at setting out to affect us readers in some way, shape or form.
It's a story about Casey and the coyote, but I don't get why the story's being told in the first place. In fact, I find there are other scenes in this tale's timeline that offer more interesting stories than what we have here. I'd rather we see Casey's argument with her sister, or perhaps the aftermath of her disappearance. Or maybe even the incompetence of the authorities and their failure to handle the situation in some way, shape or form.
Sum it all up, I like the story's execution, but I find the story itself to be middling.
Best of luck to you! Thanks for writing!
You know, as much as I don't like doing it, I just felt compelled to compare this story to another. Not to any of our wolf-related entries back in September (as much as I want to because wolf, coyote, same difference) but to another story in our current batch that I've reviewed.
When I read this, I had a similar inkling of a gut feeling I had when also reading Colourless Blues, in that both stories had a simple, somewhat straightforward narrative, but I find their merits truly lie in the details of the writing. It's the details that really make up what I like about both entries. The final line of this story, in particular, is a perfect example of what I mean.
However, I think this story failed to do what the other story did for me, in that it just seems to lack focus. I'm struggling to immerse myself in this even after reading it over and over again. It's not that I think every story needs a moral or a message, but this story doesn't seem to attempt at setting out to affect us readers in some way, shape or form.
It's a story about Casey and the coyote, but I don't get why the story's being told in the first place. In fact, I find there are other scenes in this tale's timeline that offer more interesting stories than what we have here. I'd rather we see Casey's argument with her sister, or perhaps the aftermath of her disappearance. Or maybe even the incompetence of the authorities and their failure to handle the situation in some way, shape or form.
Sum it all up, I like the story's execution, but I find the story itself to be middling.
Best of luck to you! Thanks for writing!
>>Baal Bunny
Maybe it'd be explained better if the whole conflict of the story wasn't diffused in six lines. Like, April drops the bomb about Sarah's brother, Sarah snaps, April apologises and they're best pals again. End of story, even though this is where it should start, if the author wants to make a lasting impression.
April seems to be saying that having a treatment to remove a person's love and concern is just as bad in her eyes as having a treatment to remove a person's fear and hatred. If that's the point the story's trying to make, I'm gonna need some more discussion of it...
Maybe it'd be explained better if the whole conflict of the story wasn't diffused in six lines. Like, April drops the bomb about Sarah's brother, Sarah snaps, April apologises and they're best pals again. End of story, even though this is where it should start, if the author wants to make a lasting impression.
All I'm Saying Is, It Could Work had millenials, this one has Florida men. And, as others already pointed out, orca gladiators. Nice work with the ending, though, I rather liked this one.
Little details suddenly made sense: the zodiac sign in her Tinder profile and the thumb-sized amethyst pendant necklace.
Well, to be frank, I wouldn't notice either. Though I guess after chatting on Tinder and three days the guy would already have this figured out.
Alternate Title: Remember the Wolf Round, Guys?
Okay, I had to sit on this one for a bit. I read it yesterday but I didn't feel like reviewing it at the time. Not because the theme of this entry is hard to get (I mean, it's in the title), but because I'm coming to grips with some of the creative choices made here.
Let's make something clear upfront: this entry doesn't really have a story, nor does it really have characters. It has the abstraction of a story and ideas for characters, but almost none of this comes through in the final product. This isn't inherently a bad thing, even though it is an uphill battle the author must've been aware of.
The problem is that there isn't much to chew on here. I like the idea of colors and inanimate objects like the sun and moon being somewhat personified, given human traits like names (or having words capitalized anyway), but I can't tell you a single thing about any of their personalities, because they don't have personalities.
I would be more forgiving of this, and normally I would be; writing a minific and getting everything you want across in so few words is hard. What isn't so easy to defend, however, is the massive repetition present throughout the story.
Let's play a game. How many times is the sentence "There was no stopping it" written?
Ten times. That's fifty words in all.
The rule of thumb for establishing a pattern is that you need something to happen at least three times, and three times is also the preferred amount for patterns. The author seems to have gone overboard here, and wasted a lot of precious words in the process. This is kind of a big problem, although it can be fixed with some very simple editing thankfully.
I understand this entry. I get what it's going for, and I like that, but I'm not so enthusiastic about the execution.
Okay, I had to sit on this one for a bit. I read it yesterday but I didn't feel like reviewing it at the time. Not because the theme of this entry is hard to get (I mean, it's in the title), but because I'm coming to grips with some of the creative choices made here.
Let's make something clear upfront: this entry doesn't really have a story, nor does it really have characters. It has the abstraction of a story and ideas for characters, but almost none of this comes through in the final product. This isn't inherently a bad thing, even though it is an uphill battle the author must've been aware of.
The problem is that there isn't much to chew on here. I like the idea of colors and inanimate objects like the sun and moon being somewhat personified, given human traits like names (or having words capitalized anyway), but I can't tell you a single thing about any of their personalities, because they don't have personalities.
I would be more forgiving of this, and normally I would be; writing a minific and getting everything you want across in so few words is hard. What isn't so easy to defend, however, is the massive repetition present throughout the story.
Let's play a game. How many times is the sentence "There was no stopping it" written?
Ten times. That's fifty words in all.
The rule of thumb for establishing a pattern is that you need something to happen at least three times, and three times is also the preferred amount for patterns. The author seems to have gone overboard here, and wasted a lot of precious words in the process. This is kind of a big problem, although it can be fixed with some very simple editing thankfully.
I understand this entry. I get what it's going for, and I like that, but I'm not so enthusiastic about the execution.
Alternate Title: Skyrim: Sing-Along Edition
The first poem(s) to be encountered this round. Inevitable, I suppose.
Believe it or not, I don't hate this; I can't even say I dislike it. I wouldn't put it too high on my slate, mind you, but there's definitely a musicality (especially in the second poem) that I can get behind.
Things start off pretty rocky, though. The rhyme scheme of the first poem is kind of ungainly, and it takes a while to get a good grip on the flow, with how choppy it is. The formatting is also confusing to me because the author seemed indecisive about whether to start each line with a capital letter or not.
There were also a couple stanzas in the first poem where I wasn't sure as to whom was talking, the faerie or the dragon. Maybe making them more distinct would've helped? Or changing a few little things in the wording.
The second poem, however, is where things pick up. There's not much of a story going on here, but thematically it's connected very well with the first poem, and ends on a slightly haunting note, even though we gathered by that point that this was a "humans suck lol" kind of story. The abruptness of the ending is what really sells it.
The scheme used in the second poem is also nice to read aloud, despite my reservations about the repetition of "things." I ended up not minding it so much, though. This is a case of repetition being used well, at least for the most part.
Boy, what a shocking conclusion this must be, for those who know me...
The first poem(s) to be encountered this round. Inevitable, I suppose.
Believe it or not, I don't hate this; I can't even say I dislike it. I wouldn't put it too high on my slate, mind you, but there's definitely a musicality (especially in the second poem) that I can get behind.
Things start off pretty rocky, though. The rhyme scheme of the first poem is kind of ungainly, and it takes a while to get a good grip on the flow, with how choppy it is. The formatting is also confusing to me because the author seemed indecisive about whether to start each line with a capital letter or not.
There were also a couple stanzas in the first poem where I wasn't sure as to whom was talking, the faerie or the dragon. Maybe making them more distinct would've helped? Or changing a few little things in the wording.
The second poem, however, is where things pick up. There's not much of a story going on here, but thematically it's connected very well with the first poem, and ends on a slightly haunting note, even though we gathered by that point that this was a "humans suck lol" kind of story. The abruptness of the ending is what really sells it.
The scheme used in the second poem is also nice to read aloud, despite my reservations about the repetition of "things." I ended up not minding it so much, though. This is a case of repetition being used well, at least for the most part.
Boy, what a shocking conclusion this must be, for those who know me...
Alternate Title: Poems About Dragons But Not As Good
Um...
The problem with the reviewing this particular poem is that its flaws have been pointed out everyone else, seemingly. At the very least it isn't working for a lot of people, myself included.
A lot of that has the do with the rhyme scheme, which is... interesting? But kind of ugly; I find myself taken out of the experience because every stanza reads like it crashes into a wall at the end. This had to have been deliberate, but I don't see how it relates to what's happening in the story.
Then again, the story itself is hard to make out. At one point I thought the protagonists were sheep or something, but now I'm having doubts. But then what else could they be? Humans? That doesn't sound right. Something is seriously missing in the setup here, because even thinking about it now I'm trying to fill in holes for the author.
There's understanding implicit details, and then there's doing the author's job for him/her. This feels more like the latter for me. It's not a good way to get the reader on your side.
I'm sorry, but this... doesn't work for me.
Um...
The problem with the reviewing this particular poem is that its flaws have been pointed out everyone else, seemingly. At the very least it isn't working for a lot of people, myself included.
A lot of that has the do with the rhyme scheme, which is... interesting? But kind of ugly; I find myself taken out of the experience because every stanza reads like it crashes into a wall at the end. This had to have been deliberate, but I don't see how it relates to what's happening in the story.
Then again, the story itself is hard to make out. At one point I thought the protagonists were sheep or something, but now I'm having doubts. But then what else could they be? Humans? That doesn't sound right. Something is seriously missing in the setup here, because even thinking about it now I'm trying to fill in holes for the author.
There's understanding implicit details, and then there's doing the author's job for him/her. This feels more like the latter for me. It's not a good way to get the reader on your side.
I'm sorry, but this... doesn't work for me.
I had to give this a second read to understand what was going on, for three reasons. First off, the character names seemed backwards. The title "Mister" usually implies somebody with some measure of authority—especially in fiction—and Donny is almost a name that demands authority, but the -ny at the end makes me think subordinate, or errand boy. So I kept mixing up who was who. Reason number two, is that the perspectives are jumping between both of them interchangeably, so I can't get rooted into who's who. And three, there's very little scene description, so it almost feels like it takes place in a vacuum, with only two people, a remote, and a TV set. All this added up to confusion in my read-through.
You had good voicing and dialogue, and the flow of the conversation was good too, although I think it faltered there in the middle, when Paunch has an internal thought, and Donny says, "Got something good for me?" Because that feels like a conversation starter. not a transition between two separate thoughts.
At the end of the day, I can't say I understood what was going on, which could be for those three reasons. But what are they doing? Selecting images to show on a live television? Pilots or something? Why did you pick these two images in particular?
Sorry, Author, but I'm not sure what's going on here. But thanks for writing anyhow, and best of luck in the shakedown!
You had good voicing and dialogue, and the flow of the conversation was good too, although I think it faltered there in the middle, when Paunch has an internal thought, and Donny says, "Got something good for me?" Because that feels like a conversation starter. not a transition between two separate thoughts.
At the end of the day, I can't say I understood what was going on, which could be for those three reasons. But what are they doing? Selecting images to show on a live television? Pilots or something? Why did you pick these two images in particular?
Sorry, Author, but I'm not sure what's going on here. But thanks for writing anyhow, and best of luck in the shakedown!
Lots-a talking heads this round, though you at least only skirted close to it the one time, towards the end of the first scene. I wonder if you can't tighten that up a little, maybe by giving a few more meaningful actions to the characters. Lucille following Fred to his office and refusing to leave until her daughter is included, or something like that, to keep things moving.
I'm a big fan of Lucille's journey here. Because at first it is a comedic look at a helicopter parent maybe going a little too far—which could be too dangerous, making her unlikable, but it's fun enough to evade that. And you even had time to sprinkle in some humanity, then bring her down a peg, and show that the entire trip was worthwhile in the end. Great stuff.
One last thing before I go: I don't see how the title fits the story? The fact that you've come up with a twist on 'no u' is clever and all, but it implies a second meaning that I'm not seeing. Who is saying "No, You!" to whom here?
Well, no, okay. I guess Lucille is pretty adept at throwing Fred's own words back at him, so that kind of relates. Still, I think there are better titles out there.
But that's all from me, Author. Thanks for entering.
I'm a big fan of Lucille's journey here. Because at first it is a comedic look at a helicopter parent maybe going a little too far—which could be too dangerous, making her unlikable, but it's fun enough to evade that. And you even had time to sprinkle in some humanity, then bring her down a peg, and show that the entire trip was worthwhile in the end. Great stuff.
One last thing before I go: I don't see how the title fits the story? The fact that you've come up with a twist on 'no u' is clever and all, but it implies a second meaning that I'm not seeing. Who is saying "No, You!" to whom here?
Well, no, okay. I guess Lucille is pretty adept at throwing Fred's own words back at him, so that kind of relates. Still, I think there are better titles out there.
But that's all from me, Author. Thanks for entering.
This story is very uncomfortable, and I certainly came away feeling uncomfortable, so mission success, I'd say.
But I'm also getting stuck on the message here, and what these characters are going through, because it's so, so unhealthy what they're doing. Which would be fine, except that this story is being presented as a story about healing. Making the most out of a bad situation. But they aren't in that situation anymore; they're dwelling on it, and acting like it's such a great idea.
Well, maybe not them. You are, Author, as far as I can tell. Whether you meant that or not.
But this is interesting, because if these two were my friends and they were telling me about this, I would just laugh with them and say, "Wow, that's awesome. Fuck that guy, for real." And you're supposed to make your reader want to be friends with the characters... but it doesn't work in story form, unfortunately.
But still, adept writing and a great display of talent, so I expect it to make finals. I just unfortunately have the same taste in my mouth as Gen does!
Thanks for writing!
But I'm also getting stuck on the message here, and what these characters are going through, because it's so, so unhealthy what they're doing. Which would be fine, except that this story is being presented as a story about healing. Making the most out of a bad situation. But they aren't in that situation anymore; they're dwelling on it, and acting like it's such a great idea.
Well, maybe not them. You are, Author, as far as I can tell. Whether you meant that or not.
But this is interesting, because if these two were my friends and they were telling me about this, I would just laugh with them and say, "Wow, that's awesome. Fuck that guy, for real." And you're supposed to make your reader want to be friends with the characters... but it doesn't work in story form, unfortunately.
But still, adept writing and a great display of talent, so I expect it to make finals. I just unfortunately have the same taste in my mouth as Gen does!
Thanks for writing!
I see where Monokeras is coming from, but I think the reason that theory doesn't work for me is how flippant this guy is. There's no emotional thought about what murdering this poor woman might do to him, or what kind of trouble he would get in. And most striking of all... he doesn't discuss how he would kill her. He just jumps right to the funeral, without considering a single step in the process.
That's somebody who's done it before.
We've been discussing in the discord chat about how this story would be improved if Monokeras's theory was accurate. And maybe it is! I don't know you. But either way, it might be a more interesting take on the story, because the guy who's secretly a serial killer thing feels tired, as Raisin says.
But still a well-written entry, and one I expect to be in finals. Good luck to you!
That's somebody who's done it before.
We've been discussing in the discord chat about how this story would be improved if Monokeras's theory was accurate. And maybe it is! I don't know you. But either way, it might be a more interesting take on the story, because the guy who's secretly a serial killer thing feels tired, as Raisin says.
But still a well-written entry, and one I expect to be in finals. Good luck to you!
I have to say, I think the voicing here is great. All of our main characters sound like Chaotic Neutral jerks, which is absolutely perfect.
But I think I did run into some tonal problems, especially at the beginning. I actually straight-up thought that this was a grim-dark/horror story until the line about orca gladiators. While that may not seem to be a long time to remain confused, it's amplified by the fact that this is a minific. Even from a wordcount perspective, that's almost 20% of the story that I spent expecting this to be a completely different story.
As for the humor, there's the joke about the orcas in the beginning (which didn't land just because I was doing a double-take at it) and there's the Hitchhiker's Guide joke at the end.But the in-between feels very sparse, and it kind of dragged.
So I do think this one needs to establish its jokes sooner and have them come in at a faster rate of fire. Right now, I'm sorry to say that I wasn't really in the mood to laugh at this one.
But I think I did run into some tonal problems, especially at the beginning. I actually straight-up thought that this was a grim-dark/horror story until the line about orca gladiators. While that may not seem to be a long time to remain confused, it's amplified by the fact that this is a minific. Even from a wordcount perspective, that's almost 20% of the story that I spent expecting this to be a completely different story.
As for the humor, there's the joke about the orcas in the beginning (which didn't land just because I was doing a double-take at it) and there's the Hitchhiker's Guide joke at the end.But the in-between feels very sparse, and it kind of dragged.
So I do think this one needs to establish its jokes sooner and have them come in at a faster rate of fire. Right now, I'm sorry to say that I wasn't really in the mood to laugh at this one.
The joke about the cargo container filled with prostitutes is exactly the kind of dark, dry humor that the rest of the story needs to be. I mean, I think it was genius to describe it as "overly ambitious." But when it comes to most of the other jokes here, they just don't land for me.
The issue IMO is that you're trying to dip your toe into goofy stuff. For instance, the explanation about the colorblind sorter has a lot of the same beats as the hooker shipping container joke. But the former has no teeth, compared to the latter. The fact that it's both a ridiculous explanation while also being tonally mild (almost like a Looney Tunes gag, I feel) really robs a lot of the rest of the story of the edginess that would have made this great.
So it's not often I say to go edgier, but I really think this would benefit from amping up the "dark" part of "dark humor."
The issue IMO is that you're trying to dip your toe into goofy stuff. For instance, the explanation about the colorblind sorter has a lot of the same beats as the hooker shipping container joke. But the former has no teeth, compared to the latter. The fact that it's both a ridiculous explanation while also being tonally mild (almost like a Looney Tunes gag, I feel) really robs a lot of the rest of the story of the edginess that would have made this great.
So it's not often I say to go edgier, but I really think this would benefit from amping up the "dark" part of "dark humor."
This is my favorite entry so far, by quite a margin too. I love how this played with expectations with how Lucille initially seemed like a typical overly-agressive soccer mom, before the reveal suddenly makes her vulnerable and relatable. The pacing is great, the story sucked me in all the way, and I'm having trouble finding nitpicks with my reading experience that are worth mentioning. So, to the tippy-top of my slate with you!
>>Miller Minus
I think the title is a play on "No 'U'", as in Mary hiding her British-ness. I might be wrong, though.
>>Miller Minus
I think the title is a play on "No 'U'", as in Mary hiding her British-ness. I might be wrong, though.
>>Bachiavellian, >>Miller Minus
On Catching
This was the first idea I had at the start of the round, but I had the suspicion that others would be trying similar ideas (and indeed, Zaid did). Thus, I focused on the holiday with my family, and didn’t put any serious effort into this concept until the last day.
I had some trouble with the pencil sketch on watercolor paper and had to redraw it a few times, which goes some way towards explaining the awkward appearance. The paints were ordinary acrylic paints, watered down. I bumped the colors of the background up in Photoshop, but other than that it is unretouched. The drop on her neck was an accident which I deemed to be fitting.
Thanks for the positive comments!
On Catching
This was the first idea I had at the start of the round, but I had the suspicion that others would be trying similar ideas (and indeed, Zaid did). Thus, I focused on the holiday with my family, and didn’t put any serious effort into this concept until the last day.
I had some trouble with the pencil sketch on watercolor paper and had to redraw it a few times, which goes some way towards explaining the awkward appearance. The paints were ordinary acrylic paints, watered down. I bumped the colors of the background up in Photoshop, but other than that it is unretouched. The drop on her neck was an accident which I deemed to be fitting.
Thanks for the positive comments!
>>Dubs_Rewatcher, >>Bachiavellian, >>Miller Minus
Broken Bonds
I live within walking distance of two graveyards. Sometimes I go for a walk in the larger one to seek out story ideas. So it was that after Thanksgiving, with time running out and only one decent idea, I set forth again to commune with the dead.
I took some shots of a neat rocky crevice with some moss in it (which might have made a good companion piece for Alamo II), then starting taking shots of gravestones. Since most of the stones are old, I felt I would be able to find one discolored with age or moss, and thus prompt-worthy.
My search ended when I found this one. A good thing, since it was getting colder and the sunlight was fading.
The low lighting conditions probably contributed to the blurriness of the photo. By the time I found out it wasn’t high def, it was too dark to go back and take another shot. I cropped and corrected the levels in Photoshop but the image is otherwise untouched.
The red inside the gravestone base is a mystery. My guess is that it’s a hollow that collects rainwater, and falling leaves have soaked in that water over many, many autumns, leaving their tannins behind to stain the stone.
Thank you all for your great comments!
Broken Bonds
I live within walking distance of two graveyards. Sometimes I go for a walk in the larger one to seek out story ideas. So it was that after Thanksgiving, with time running out and only one decent idea, I set forth again to commune with the dead.
I took some shots of a neat rocky crevice with some moss in it (which might have made a good companion piece for Alamo II), then starting taking shots of gravestones. Since most of the stones are old, I felt I would be able to find one discolored with age or moss, and thus prompt-worthy.
My search ended when I found this one. A good thing, since it was getting colder and the sunlight was fading.
The low lighting conditions probably contributed to the blurriness of the photo. By the time I found out it wasn’t high def, it was too dark to go back and take another shot. I cropped and corrected the levels in Photoshop but the image is otherwise untouched.
The red inside the gravestone base is a mystery. My guess is that it’s a hollow that collects rainwater, and falling leaves have soaked in that water over many, many autumns, leaving their tannins behind to stain the stone.
Thank you all for your great comments!
Bottom slated for getting people to talk shit about CA in the comments. Fuck y'all.
Honestly I am a bit unsure what to do with this in that I am left sort of wandering what my take away is supposed to be. Much like Confusion Fusion this doesn't quite go absurd enough to feel, well, absurd, but it also doesn't feel silly enough to be considered silly, so it ends up sitting in this kind of uncomfortable middle ground where I walk away feeling nothing. Like, the words on page are fine - your prose and article approach (at least as an op-ed, I think - no sure this passes muster as a new article) is solid, but ultimately it just doesn't really inspire any feeling in me.
I mean, I guess there is the bit >>Anon Y Mous points out that could be referring to the industrial military complex, but I feel like if that's the metaphor/analogy/satire you're going for it doesn't track overly well (primarily because we can both maintain that military without active conflict anyway - for all that it helps and because we don't really have to make enemies for it to happen).
So yeah, that's kind of where I end up with this one. A competent and amusing piece that I am not sure what to do with at the end.
Honestly I am a bit unsure what to do with this in that I am left sort of wandering what my take away is supposed to be. Much like Confusion Fusion this doesn't quite go absurd enough to feel, well, absurd, but it also doesn't feel silly enough to be considered silly, so it ends up sitting in this kind of uncomfortable middle ground where I walk away feeling nothing. Like, the words on page are fine - your prose and article approach (at least as an op-ed, I think - no sure this passes muster as a new article) is solid, but ultimately it just doesn't really inspire any feeling in me.
I mean, I guess there is the bit >>Anon Y Mous points out that could be referring to the industrial military complex, but I feel like if that's the metaphor/analogy/satire you're going for it doesn't track overly well (primarily because we can both maintain that military without active conflict anyway - for all that it helps and because we don't really have to make enemies for it to happen).
So yeah, that's kind of where I end up with this one. A competent and amusing piece that I am not sure what to do with at the end.
Bottom slated for universe destruction. That's where I keep my stuff.
This is a very fanciful and evocative little vignette, but I do think it bogs itself down with a bit too much evocative language and, well, being a vignette. It makes for a solid bit of emotion that ends up a bit flat because we are basically in the same mood and same place from start to finish. Progression is good, even in minis.
Word choice is a little weird. Kalpa threw me for a loop, and all the grandoise stuff being offset by a "fuck" is really weird. Also probably too many capital letters.
Thanks for writing!
This is a very fanciful and evocative little vignette, but I do think it bogs itself down with a bit too much evocative language and, well, being a vignette. It makes for a solid bit of emotion that ends up a bit flat because we are basically in the same mood and same place from start to finish. Progression is good, even in minis.
Word choice is a little weird. Kalpa threw me for a loop, and all the grandoise stuff being offset by a "fuck" is really weird. Also probably too many capital letters.
Thanks for writing!
Bottom slating in an effort to martyr this fic.
So, a major theme in mini rounds is the grand "not a story" thing. This is not an indictment of the quality of the work or anything, it is just that a lot of minis are more scenes or vignettes than actual stories. It is a structural deal. There is generally no real arc/progression, no real act structure, etc, etc, etc. This falls pretty firmly in that camp. It is the expression of an idea. And I always feel that is a bit of a problem.
There isn't really a character conflict here as we aren't really given much to go on there. There isn't really a story conflict because they are in... mutual disinterest. There isn't really a world conflict because I guess it doesn't matter and for some reason other countries aren't involving themselves in these humanitarian violations? It's just sort of a grim statement of a possible future that is intended to be moody. And it does succeed at that! But I think minis need to strive to be more stories, you know what I mean?
Thanks for writing!
So, a major theme in mini rounds is the grand "not a story" thing. This is not an indictment of the quality of the work or anything, it is just that a lot of minis are more scenes or vignettes than actual stories. It is a structural deal. There is generally no real arc/progression, no real act structure, etc, etc, etc. This falls pretty firmly in that camp. It is the expression of an idea. And I always feel that is a bit of a problem.
There isn't really a character conflict here as we aren't really given much to go on there. There isn't really a story conflict because they are in... mutual disinterest. There isn't really a world conflict because I guess it doesn't matter and for some reason other countries aren't involving themselves in these humanitarian violations? It's just sort of a grim statement of a possible future that is intended to be moody. And it does succeed at that! But I think minis need to strive to be more stories, you know what I mean?
Thanks for writing!
The bottom slate is what this gets:
A work of verse, not prose.
Doggy poems with no regrets
Force me to work o'ertime.
I hate reviewing poetry. I really do. I'm way less well read at it and trying to compare straight prose to verse is a motherfucker because the two emphasize different things and present their own challenges.
So where do I end up with this one. It's a cute little bit of mythology that goes some weird places (I was not really expecting this to an uplift story). It is a bit of a weird place to have it born out of though? Color to intelligence is not necessarily an intuitive movement. Its fine in context, but I kinda feel like you'd be better off stepping back from the prompt concept a bit.
Structually, yeah. Like, I'm not great here. The poem itself generally flows fine although there are some spots where you're torturing things to get them to fit that detract from the overall experience. I agree with a lot of the above that the ABAC repeating structure is a bit odd and kinda messes with the reading, especially given how often you try to go from stanza to stanza with a complete thought. It feels like you'd be better off doing like... ABABCDCDEFEG or something, that way individual sections glow into each other but break nice and hard in the sections.
Thanks for writing!
A work of verse, not prose.
Doggy poems with no regrets
Force me to work o'ertime.
I hate reviewing poetry. I really do. I'm way less well read at it and trying to compare straight prose to verse is a motherfucker because the two emphasize different things and present their own challenges.
So where do I end up with this one. It's a cute little bit of mythology that goes some weird places (I was not really expecting this to an uplift story). It is a bit of a weird place to have it born out of though? Color to intelligence is not necessarily an intuitive movement. Its fine in context, but I kinda feel like you'd be better off stepping back from the prompt concept a bit.
Structually, yeah. Like, I'm not great here. The poem itself generally flows fine although there are some spots where you're torturing things to get them to fit that detract from the overall experience. I agree with a lot of the above that the ABAC repeating structure is a bit odd and kinda messes with the reading, especially given how often you try to go from stanza to stanza with a complete thought. It feels like you'd be better off doing like... ABABCDCDEFEG or something, that way individual sections glow into each other but break nice and hard in the sections.
Thanks for writing!
Bottom slated for making me think about my teeth. I'm probably going to have the teeth dreams now. I hate the teeth dreams.
So, I liked this story up to "Fuck you guys." That was pretty funny. Just a good, punchy delivery.
After that you lost me. The problem with the bait and switch is often that the person who bites the bait LIKES the bait. They don't always like the switch. I don't here. It is basically one long "British people have bad teeth" joke which I really don't like at the best of times. Don't have much better insight for this one, unfortunately. Just very much not my cup of tea (ha, ha).
Thanks for writing!
So, I liked this story up to "Fuck you guys." That was pretty funny. Just a good, punchy delivery.
After that you lost me. The problem with the bait and switch is often that the person who bites the bait LIKES the bait. They don't always like the switch. I don't here. It is basically one long "British people have bad teeth" joke which I really don't like at the best of times. Don't have much better insight for this one, unfortunately. Just very much not my cup of tea (ha, ha).
Thanks for writing!
Bottom slate for making me think about having to do another quick limerick level joke to start my review. One was enough.
I might come back to this but I really can't offer any helpful insight at this juncture.
I might come back to this but I really can't offer any helpful insight at this juncture.
Bottom slate for the sucking. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha sorry I'll go die now.
So once again we discuss the subject of "not a story." The problem here is that everything interesting has already happened. We know because you tell us all about it. We don't even get to witness the downfall of this poor (and kinda stupid: you get bit by a thing and can't figure out why the biting spread disease things don't care?) farmer, really. It's all just a retrospective piece, which removes most of the interest.
I mean, it is a silly thing because everything in a story is inherently made up, but readers do fail to connect when they know they are events that have already happened. So while there is technically an arc in the flashback,it is fairly low impact because it is all setup for what we're expecting the story to be about: this guy's situation. Unfortunately, but the time we get to it, we're done. The story is over.
If you want to tell a story about this farmer, you need to actually make the story about the farmer, not the background to your setting!
Thanks for writing!
So once again we discuss the subject of "not a story." The problem here is that everything interesting has already happened. We know because you tell us all about it. We don't even get to witness the downfall of this poor (and kinda stupid: you get bit by a thing and can't figure out why the biting spread disease things don't care?) farmer, really. It's all just a retrospective piece, which removes most of the interest.
I mean, it is a silly thing because everything in a story is inherently made up, but readers do fail to connect when they know they are events that have already happened. So while there is technically an arc in the flashback,it is fairly low impact because it is all setup for what we're expecting the story to be about: this guy's situation. Unfortunately, but the time we get to it, we're done. The story is over.
If you want to tell a story about this farmer, you need to actually make the story about the farmer, not the background to your setting!
Thanks for writing!
Alternate Title: Where Did You Learn Your Trade You Stupid Fucking Cunt, You Idiot?
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack.
And you may find yourself in another part of the world.
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife, and you may ask yourself...
Well, how did I get here?
Most of what can be said about this entry has already been said, although I want to point one more thing out.
When you throw away prose altogether, author, you leave yourself vulnerable to being criticized for your dialogue more than usual, because if I can't judge the prose because there's no prose to judge, then you've left me with no other choice.
The thing about this whole exchange, and this story is just one big exchange, is that at first I could tell the two characters apart. If not by their personalities necessarily, although one does seem more dim-witted, then at least by their accents and mannerisms. It's important to differentiate two characters talking, especially if we're not even getting their names.
After a time, the more dim-witted fellow loses what made his dialogue distinctive, and I'm assuming this is from a lack of polish. Given a little more time, the dialogue would be more consistent.
That still leaves the talking heads problem, mind you, and me only being able to be mildly amused with this entry from a distance. I'm assuming it's a comedy, but I only almost got a chuckle out of it.
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack.
And you may find yourself in another part of the world.
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife, and you may ask yourself...
Well, how did I get here?
Most of what can be said about this entry has already been said, although I want to point one more thing out.
When you throw away prose altogether, author, you leave yourself vulnerable to being criticized for your dialogue more than usual, because if I can't judge the prose because there's no prose to judge, then you've left me with no other choice.
The thing about this whole exchange, and this story is just one big exchange, is that at first I could tell the two characters apart. If not by their personalities necessarily, although one does seem more dim-witted, then at least by their accents and mannerisms. It's important to differentiate two characters talking, especially if we're not even getting their names.
After a time, the more dim-witted fellow loses what made his dialogue distinctive, and I'm assuming this is from a lack of polish. Given a little more time, the dialogue would be more consistent.
That still leaves the talking heads problem, mind you, and me only being able to be mildly amused with this entry from a distance. I'm assuming it's a comedy, but I only almost got a chuckle out of it.
Alternate Title: Fuck the British Episode II: Attack of the Clones
From the title I can gather this is like an excerpt from a nonfiction book, presumably about how Britain conquered the world because of some "Americanisms" creeping into their lingo.
Just from that premise along this sounds like a fun time; it sounds like a comic satire descended from the likes of Dr. Strangelove or In the Loop. Absurd and yet highly relevant. There are quite a few lines, or phrases anyway, sprinkled throughout the story that almost got a chuckle out of me, and some of them are very witty indeed.
But something is missing here, author. Despite cramming a ton of bite-sized jokes into this entry, none of them reached the level of getting me to laugh out loud. Maybe it's because, with a few exceptions, a lot of these jabs seem like low-hanging fruit, like the stuff with Canada. As absurd as an army of men using hockey sticks for weapons is, we've all heard that on before. Conversely, the jabs at American politics threaten to seem poignant at times, although once again the author failed to resist the temptation to go after low-hanging fruit.
And I'm not sure if the line about the Republican party's "modest" resources was sarcastic or not.
The ending, or at least the idea of it, is very lol-worthy, considering how impossible it is to imagine really happening. It's not supposed to be believable, which is why I think it works. Then again, as an American I've had to learn in the past few years that quite literally anything can happen.
Maybe, with that in mind, it's that in our current socio-political climate our appetite for the absurd has become more insatiable and more demanding, as our world has been getting more absurd.
Maybe not framing this as a nonfiction excerpt would've helped? Or maybe pushing the absurdity up another notch or two, which seems to me the better option, since I don't really have any qualms with the framing device.
Also, make sure to not put commas, periods, and such outside something that is quoted. "See this"? Doesn't that look a bit? "How about this?" Doesn't that look better? Just a suggestion.
From the title I can gather this is like an excerpt from a nonfiction book, presumably about how Britain conquered the world because of some "Americanisms" creeping into their lingo.
Just from that premise along this sounds like a fun time; it sounds like a comic satire descended from the likes of Dr. Strangelove or In the Loop. Absurd and yet highly relevant. There are quite a few lines, or phrases anyway, sprinkled throughout the story that almost got a chuckle out of me, and some of them are very witty indeed.
But something is missing here, author. Despite cramming a ton of bite-sized jokes into this entry, none of them reached the level of getting me to laugh out loud. Maybe it's because, with a few exceptions, a lot of these jabs seem like low-hanging fruit, like the stuff with Canada. As absurd as an army of men using hockey sticks for weapons is, we've all heard that on before. Conversely, the jabs at American politics threaten to seem poignant at times, although once again the author failed to resist the temptation to go after low-hanging fruit.
And I'm not sure if the line about the Republican party's "modest" resources was sarcastic or not.
The ending, or at least the idea of it, is very lol-worthy, considering how impossible it is to imagine really happening. It's not supposed to be believable, which is why I think it works. Then again, as an American I've had to learn in the past few years that quite literally anything can happen.
Maybe, with that in mind, it's that in our current socio-political climate our appetite for the absurd has become more insatiable and more demanding, as our world has been getting more absurd.
Maybe not framing this as a nonfiction excerpt would've helped? Or maybe pushing the absurdity up another notch or two, which seems to me the better option, since I don't really have any qualms with the framing device.
Also, make sure to not put commas, periods, and such outside something that is quoted. "See this"? Doesn't that look a bit? "How about this?" Doesn't that look better? Just a suggestion.
Alternate Title: Incredibles 2 IRL
I have some seriously mixed feelings about this entry, but I think the author shows an admirable level of restraint in turning this obviously ridiculous premise into one more focused on satire that makes you think.
This could've easily been an outright comedy, and it arguably would've worked better that way, but I get the impression that the point the author wants to make here is quite relevant, if not necessarily flawless. There are a few things that leave me scratching my head, like why don't superheroes fight normal crime? Is there some law saying they can only fight supervillains? How does that even work? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
It's also left really goddamn vague as to whether these superheroes and villains are like... actually super, in that they have superpowers. What makes a supervillain different from a regular villain?
Also, history seems to have been rewritten so that the supers not only exist, but have existed since at least WWII, and this leaves a lot of questions about the logic of this new world floating around. I guess this is inevitable when you're writing alternate history and you only have 750 words to do so.
Strictly as satire, though, I think it mostly works. It points out the circular logic of justifying a military industrial complex, along with outright supporting terrorism. I'd say this is a straight-up allegory for the US's relationship with Saudi Arabia, but I don't think that quite works out, and anyway the US of this entry doesn't seem to support genocide like we do in real life.
In a lot of superhero movies, almost every one of them actually, there's this problem of the superhero (usually unwittingly) creating the supervillain(s) of that respective story, so that it's like an endless cycle of supervillains existing because superheroes exist.
Perhaps instead of making supervillains illegal... we should make superheroes illegal?
Yes, I'm insinuating that the villain of Incredibles 2 might have a point.
I have some seriously mixed feelings about this entry, but I think the author shows an admirable level of restraint in turning this obviously ridiculous premise into one more focused on satire that makes you think.
This could've easily been an outright comedy, and it arguably would've worked better that way, but I get the impression that the point the author wants to make here is quite relevant, if not necessarily flawless. There are a few things that leave me scratching my head, like why don't superheroes fight normal crime? Is there some law saying they can only fight supervillains? How does that even work? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
It's also left really goddamn vague as to whether these superheroes and villains are like... actually super, in that they have superpowers. What makes a supervillain different from a regular villain?
Also, history seems to have been rewritten so that the supers not only exist, but have existed since at least WWII, and this leaves a lot of questions about the logic of this new world floating around. I guess this is inevitable when you're writing alternate history and you only have 750 words to do so.
Strictly as satire, though, I think it mostly works. It points out the circular logic of justifying a military industrial complex, along with outright supporting terrorism. I'd say this is a straight-up allegory for the US's relationship with Saudi Arabia, but I don't think that quite works out, and anyway the US of this entry doesn't seem to support genocide like we do in real life.
In a lot of superhero movies, almost every one of them actually, there's this problem of the superhero (usually unwittingly) creating the supervillain(s) of that respective story, so that it's like an endless cycle of supervillains existing because superheroes exist.
Perhaps instead of making supervillains illegal... we should make superheroes illegal?
Yes, I'm insinuating that the villain of Incredibles 2 might have a point.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
Thanks for fourth place. I didn't think this one was going to place that high, even though I really liked it for how simple it was. I'm glad that you guys thought the same. :D
After finishing up my dragon drawing, I was about to stow away my sketchbook until I remembered my promise to make a monochromatic picture. Inspiration struck and the tiny little man with his janitor closet lightbulb appeared.
Whenever I enter these kinds of pic-to-fic contests, that's exactly what I'm aiming for. Happy you agree, too. ;)
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
Thanks for fourth place. I didn't think this one was going to place that high, even though I really liked it for how simple it was. I'm glad that you guys thought the same. :D
After finishing up my dragon drawing, I was about to stow away my sketchbook until I remembered my promise to make a monochromatic picture. Inspiration struck and the tiny little man with his janitor closet lightbulb appeared.
This is open to interpretation, which a lot of people won't be comfortable with, but personally I think it's great, and I'm rating it highly.
Whenever I enter these kinds of pic-to-fic contests, that's exactly what I'm aiming for. Happy you agree, too. ;)