Nobody expected the nation-wide dentist suicide pact. Not that dentists were the most chipper people on the planet, and it was almost certainly assured that America would lose a few dentists to suicide a year due to the terrible social stigma surrounding dentists, but those were acceptable loses back in those days.

Water was wet, the sky was blue, and dentists committed suicide at a disproportionate rate much higher than other professions. That was just normal, everyday red-blooded America. But that was soon to change.

On New Year’s Day of 2033, the American Dental Association issued an announcement to the American public. It contained only three words:

“Fuck you guys.”

Soon after, 99% of American dentists committed suicide. What exactly precipitated this event is still a cause for speculation, but the lack of advanced dentistry quickly had a profound effect on the American public and society at large.

Notably, this brought about a change in American speech patterns, which we here at the Washington University College of Neo-Dentistry refer to as “Britishfication.” With only rudimentary dental equipment and knowledge, Americans were forced to adapt to a more limited cadence and vocabulary choice.

We can observe how this disease affected behavior in this clip. Watch Paul, an American afflicted with Britishfication speak to his friend Will, another American without the condition.

“Oi Willy boy! ‘A’re ya?”

“Paul, what the fuck happened to you? What’s wrong with your teeth?”

“Oh it ‘int nuth’n Willy ol’ chap.”

As you can plainly see, Paul speaks as if he has shit in his mouth. In the old days, we referred to this condition as "being British", and it was thought to be a genetic defect. However, due to new technology, we have discovered that this is due to an extremely advanced case of tooth decay compounded with severely misaligned teeth which creates an inability to properly pronounce words. Unfortunately, this disease is completely incurable once it has manifested, and pulling the diseased teeth seems to only make the problem worse.

There is compelling scientific evidence that prolonged suffers of this condition experience extreme aberrant behavior such as an unwarranted interest in the Royal Family of England's Wedding and cognitive impairment. For example, Americans will suddenly and unexpectedly begin referring to soccer as "football" and football as "handegg." Other deficiencies include an irrational hatred of French people and a compulsive urge to boil the shit out of perfectly good food.

We at the Washington University College of Neo-Dentistry have proposed a simple yet elegant solution to this malady, however: a bullet, lodged directly between the eyes. I am aware that the Hippocratic Oath specifies that we should do no harm, but it is truly crueler to let these people live saying “colour” with a “u.”

Nearly two-thirds of Americans in the New England area continue to endure the horrors of this condition. For shorthand, I’ll refer to these people as “Tories”, but there is a third of the New England population that is particularly resistant to Britishfication. I will refer to these people as “Patriots.”

The Tories, with their newfound “Brit” status, wish to return the country back to England, where their disease-ridden, disgusting mandibles will be accepted. To do so not only spits in the face of the field of Neo-Dentistry, but also our country. We at the Washington University College of Neo-Dentistry, for the sake of the continued existence of dental science and our country, cannot allow this to happen. We must purge these subhuman beasts from our great land and restore America to greatness.

I hope you’ll all join me on the battlefield.

And remember to brush your teeth and floss daily.