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They are coming from me!
Great hook! Buuuuutttt.....
It’s a misspell. I was hoping it wasn’t.
The story had my attention, but the ending kind of fell flat for me. I get that the end reveal was that the blood was for a vaccine but it didn’t feel like a proper twist. Maybe mention it in the beginning so we have time to soak the information in.
Also. A tiny nitpick, but I would have used “poof” instead of “pfft” for describing their mysterious disappearance.
I know it's already been mentioned, but that first line is really, really problematic. Even if you don't have time to proofread, always double-check your first sentence. It's too important.
This story leaves me kind of at arm's length, and I think it's because our narrator isn't the most interesting character in the story, or the most crucial to it. If we had been told from the boy's perspective, or the girl's, or maybe a doctor first discovering that it's about to go down in a major way, then the stakes can be raised much higher. It's a common thing I see in the writeoff--a choice of narrator or perspective that's on the fringe of the story. Better to be dead-center, if you ask me.
There are also a few typos and strange word choices that could stand to be cleaned up.
But that's all from me. Thanks for submitting, and good luck!
This story leaves me kind of at arm's length, and I think it's because our narrator isn't the most interesting character in the story, or the most crucial to it. If we had been told from the boy's perspective, or the girl's, or maybe a doctor first discovering that it's about to go down in a major way, then the stakes can be raised much higher. It's a common thing I see in the writeoff--a choice of narrator or perspective that's on the fringe of the story. Better to be dead-center, if you ask me.
There are also a few typos and strange word choices that could stand to be cleaned up.
But that's all from me. Thanks for submitting, and good luck!
Alternate Title: Bloodborne: Stephen King Edition
I want to like this more than I do; maybe it's because conceptually this is one of the more intriguing entries I've read so far. It could also be that with some polish this really could be a contender for the upper third of my slate.
But fuck, man.
I don't need to bring up the first sentence; it's been mentioned already, and I'm sure the author knows what's wrong with it.
There is also a tense change a few paragraphs in. And a few other rough grammatical points that tell me that maybe this should've been revised more. Or revised at all. I don't know how you people work.
It's a huge shame because for a while I was on the edge of my seat, even when I figured out there were vampires involved (not in the way I expected either, so good job). But something about this narrator rubs me the wrong way. It could be that he doesn't have much of a personality to speak of, or that he's slightly obnoxious and I'm confused as to why he's talking to me.
The fact that he apparently shares my fondness for sailor talk doesn't help either.
In one of my other reviews I mentioned that it's a very bad idea to start a sentence with "Then," and this entry actually doesn't something worse than that: "And then." Twice in a row.
The ending is also really goddamn abrupt, but once I got the hang of what was going on and what it meant I was honestly fine with it. Probably not the ideal amount of words for the author, though.
This is another entry where I recommend not abandoning it. Orphans are sometimes raised by wolves, and if they ever find you they'll beat your ass so hard. Best to take care of it probably.
I want to like this more than I do; maybe it's because conceptually this is one of the more intriguing entries I've read so far. It could also be that with some polish this really could be a contender for the upper third of my slate.
But fuck, man.
I don't need to bring up the first sentence; it's been mentioned already, and I'm sure the author knows what's wrong with it.
There is also a tense change a few paragraphs in. And a few other rough grammatical points that tell me that maybe this should've been revised more. Or revised at all. I don't know how you people work.
It's a huge shame because for a while I was on the edge of my seat, even when I figured out there were vampires involved (not in the way I expected either, so good job). But something about this narrator rubs me the wrong way. It could be that he doesn't have much of a personality to speak of, or that he's slightly obnoxious and I'm confused as to why he's talking to me.
The fact that he apparently shares my fondness for sailor talk doesn't help either.
In one of my other reviews I mentioned that it's a very bad idea to start a sentence with "Then," and this entry actually doesn't something worse than that: "And then." Twice in a row.
The ending is also really goddamn abrupt, but once I got the hang of what was going on and what it meant I was honestly fine with it. Probably not the ideal amount of words for the author, though.
This is another entry where I recommend not abandoning it. Orphans are sometimes raised by wolves, and if they ever find you they'll beat your ass so hard. Best to take care of it probably.
I'm having:
Flashbacks to I Am Legend--or more specifically the version that Charleton Heston made in the 1970s as The Omega Man--with all the talk of crazed, vampiric, pale-skinned mutants and making a serum out the main character's blood.and all that. But I'm not sure what happens at the end: our narrator has become a vampire, but the humans need his blood to change the infected humans back? How would they know? Have them been experimenting with other vampires? I'd say this needs more space for explanations.
Mike
Flashbacks to I Am Legend--or more specifically the version that Charleton Heston made in the 1970s as The Omega Man--with all the talk of crazed, vampiric, pale-skinned mutants and making a serum out the main character's blood.and all that. But I'm not sure what happens at the end: our narrator has become a vampire, but the humans need his blood to change the infected humans back? How would they know? Have them been experimenting with other vampires? I'd say this needs more space for explanations.
Mike
Bottom slate for the sucking. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha sorry I'll go die now.
So once again we discuss the subject of "not a story." The problem here is that everything interesting has already happened. We know because you tell us all about it. We don't even get to witness the downfall of this poor (and kinda stupid: you get bit by a thing and can't figure out why the biting spread disease things don't care?) farmer, really. It's all just a retrospective piece, which removes most of the interest.
I mean, it is a silly thing because everything in a story is inherently made up, but readers do fail to connect when they know they are events that have already happened. So while there is technically an arc in the flashback,it is fairly low impact because it is all setup for what we're expecting the story to be about: this guy's situation. Unfortunately, but the time we get to it, we're done. The story is over.
If you want to tell a story about this farmer, you need to actually make the story about the farmer, not the background to your setting!
Thanks for writing!
So once again we discuss the subject of "not a story." The problem here is that everything interesting has already happened. We know because you tell us all about it. We don't even get to witness the downfall of this poor (and kinda stupid: you get bit by a thing and can't figure out why the biting spread disease things don't care?) farmer, really. It's all just a retrospective piece, which removes most of the interest.
I mean, it is a silly thing because everything in a story is inherently made up, but readers do fail to connect when they know they are events that have already happened. So while there is technically an arc in the flashback,it is fairly low impact because it is all setup for what we're expecting the story to be about: this guy's situation. Unfortunately, but the time we get to it, we're done. The story is over.
If you want to tell a story about this farmer, you need to actually make the story about the farmer, not the background to your setting!
Thanks for writing!