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>>Bremen
That wasn't active magic. She had no control over it. (Unless I misremember.)
That wasn't active magic. She had no control over it. (Unless I misremember.)
>>Trick_Question
Pfff… No need for magic: Pinkie can levitate herself by breathing a sufficient amount of air!
Pfff… No need for magic: Pinkie can levitate herself by breathing a sufficient amount of air!
Blargh, curse this Daylight Savings Time! I go for a break at work hoping to see how I did, only to discover the results won't be in for another hour. #firstworldproblems :-P
In all seriousness, this seems as good a time as any to thank Roger for his awesome work on the site, and for his persistence in the face of those (sometimes including myself) who doubted the merits of the endeavor. I think this turned out really well. The conversation has tended to stay focused on the stories, but IMO that isn't a bad thing.
Also, good job everyone; there were a lot of great stories this time!
In all seriousness, this seems as good a time as any to thank Roger for his awesome work on the site, and for his persistence in the face of those (sometimes including myself) who doubted the merits of the endeavor. I think this turned out really well. The conversation has tended to stay focused on the stories, but IMO that isn't a bad thing.
Also, good job everyone; there were a lot of great stories this time!
>>Trick_Question
Uhm, Princess Celestia teleports all the way from Canterlot to Ponyville in Lesson Zero. And Sunset does in EQG1. There's probably at least one other instance I am forgetting of, but those ones are definite!
Uhm, Princess Celestia teleports all the way from Canterlot to Ponyville in Lesson Zero. And Sunset does in EQG1. There's probably at least one other instance I am forgetting of, but those ones are definite!
Congrats to our winners, Cold In Gardez, "Anonymous", and Billymorph!
I wonder if the "Anonymous" story was accidentally submitted anonymously? :s
I wonder if the "Anonymous" story was accidentally submitted anonymously? :s
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Cold in Gardez
Oh, you. :V
Congratulations on the win! (And on solidly cementing your first-place status on both sides of the scoreboard. At least some of why I entered this round was in an effort to make you work for it; I hope that adds to the sweetness.) Congratulations also to "Pie to Pie"s author and to billymorph for their medals, and to everyone who entered for another good round!
I'll defer on this question to horizon (assuming he didn't write this one himself).
>>Cold in Gardez
Two separate narrative arcs in a minific? That's a higher bar than I hope I'm ever confronted with.
Oh, you. :V
Congratulations on the win! (And on solidly cementing your first-place status on both sides of the scoreboard. At least some of why I entered this round was in an effort to make you work for it; I hope that adds to the sweetness.) Congratulations also to "Pie to Pie"s author and to billymorph for their medals, and to everyone who entered for another good round!
… wait, what? I got a magnifying glass?! :pinkiegasp:
Holy crap, I do have something to celebrate this round. I honestly never thought I'd guess well enough to be in contention.
Holy crap, I do have something to celebrate this round. I honestly never thought I'd guess well enough to be in contention.
Even before I submitted it, I wasn't as happy with Memento Merry as I was with my previous (and so far only other) story.
Some reviewers touched on the reason why; it has no purpose. It doesn't have any drama or action, there's not enough humor for it to really be a comedy, and it wasn't written as an examination of any thought provoking ideas. I just sat down, looked at the prompt for several hours, then gave up when I couldn't come up with any good story concepts. So I just took the best scrap of an idea I had come up with (Pinkie wanting her funeral to be a party) and wrote what I thought the Mane 6 would say. In that way I suppose it's more a writing exercise at getting into their heads than an actual story.
Other reviewers did find a purpose for it, as a thoughtful discussion of whether it's right for a funeral to be a party. This wasn't my intent, as I was more writing it as an examination of Pinkie's character than any greater message. But hey, death of the author and all that, and if some found it more thoughtful than I did than I'm not going to complain :).
Two more specific observations: First off, thank you to everyone who got the title! I wasn't sure anyone would catch it, but I laughed at it too much not to use it. Definitely the most obscure pun I've ever made.
Second, there are some writing flaws, and this story definitely could have done with second pass if I'd had the time for it. The whole intro needed revision, and I think I badly bungled Applejack's resistance to the idea. I didn't catch it until a reviewer mentioned it, but her "disrespectful" line reads like she's angry at Pinkie for suggesting such a thing; it was more intended as just being resistant to the idea of celebrating someone's death, which seemed fitting for her character (being both the most traditional and an orphan.) Were I to rewrite this story I'd definitely change it to clarify that she's not angry, just troubled.
Some reviewers touched on the reason why; it has no purpose. It doesn't have any drama or action, there's not enough humor for it to really be a comedy, and it wasn't written as an examination of any thought provoking ideas. I just sat down, looked at the prompt for several hours, then gave up when I couldn't come up with any good story concepts. So I just took the best scrap of an idea I had come up with (Pinkie wanting her funeral to be a party) and wrote what I thought the Mane 6 would say. In that way I suppose it's more a writing exercise at getting into their heads than an actual story.
Other reviewers did find a purpose for it, as a thoughtful discussion of whether it's right for a funeral to be a party. This wasn't my intent, as I was more writing it as an examination of Pinkie's character than any greater message. But hey, death of the author and all that, and if some found it more thoughtful than I did than I'm not going to complain :).
Two more specific observations: First off, thank you to everyone who got the title! I wasn't sure anyone would catch it, but I laughed at it too much not to use it. Definitely the most obscure pun I've ever made.
Second, there are some writing flaws, and this story definitely could have done with second pass if I'd had the time for it. The whole intro needed revision, and I think I badly bungled Applejack's resistance to the idea. I didn't catch it until a reviewer mentioned it, but her "disrespectful" line reads like she's angry at Pinkie for suggesting such a thing; it was more intended as just being resistant to the idea of celebrating someone's death, which seemed fitting for her character (being both the most traditional and an orphan.) Were I to rewrite this story I'd definitely change it to clarify that she's not angry, just troubled.
Last time I submitted 5 stories, they got me a lot of negative points. this time, only my bottom one was worth -2. improvement in consistency?
ooh, I got a controversial party popper award. a special award for special people (who write about Anon)
I really wasn't expecting my 2 stories in the Finals to get there, they were written quickly and I assumed they were my weakest of the set. but instead, the story I spent the most time on ranked lowest. this is useful info. though I'm surprised, my middle 2 stories were pretty close to the finals cutoff too.
I got a good number of author guesses just by random luck. none of the other top guessers identified mine, even with my usual gimmicks. I thought it would be ironic if my story about a review ended up being traced to me because of my writeoff reviews, but that didn't happen.
like the Joker said, "what doesn't kill you makes you stranger." I might not ever place among the medalists, but I sure do feel stranger now.
ooh, I got a controversial party popper award. a special award for special people (who write about Anon)
I really wasn't expecting my 2 stories in the Finals to get there, they were written quickly and I assumed they were my weakest of the set. but instead, the story I spent the most time on ranked lowest. this is useful info. though I'm surprised, my middle 2 stories were pretty close to the finals cutoff too.
I got a good number of author guesses just by random luck. none of the other top guessers identified mine, even with my usual gimmicks. I thought it would be ironic if my story about a review ended up being traced to me because of my writeoff reviews, but that didn't happen.
like the Joker said, "what doesn't kill you makes you stranger." I might not ever place among the medalists, but I sure do feel stranger now.
Congratulations to the winners (and the finalist in general). We had a pretty solid round this time.
Wow. One away from the cutoff. Less than three hundredths of a point. Ouch.
Ah well. Congratulations to the winners.
Ah well. Congratulations to the winners.
>>Everyday
>>Bremen
I'll have to rewatch it. Twilight is completely taken aback by "somehow, she's able to levitate" in the S5 finale. I don't think what you're saying is accurate—I suspect you're describing the effect of a specific spell, not controlled levitation, but again I need to rewatch.
>>Bremen
I'll have to rewatch it. Twilight is completely taken aback by "somehow, she's able to levitate" in the S5 finale. I don't think what you're saying is accurate—I suspect you're describing the effect of a specific spell, not controlled levitation, but again I need to rewatch.
>>Trick_Question
You're thinking of something completely different.
During the ending of the "True, True Friend" song, Twilight levitates herself into the air and then levitates all her friends over to her in a flying group hug. She's not doing any other magic at the time.
You can just watch the song on Youtube instead of hunting down a copy of the whole episode.
You're thinking of something completely different.
During the ending of the "True, True Friend" song, Twilight levitates herself into the air and then levitates all her friends over to her in a flying group hug. She's not doing any other magic at the time.
You can just watch the song on Youtube instead of hunting down a copy of the whole episode.
>>Morning Sun
Nightmare Moon teleports herself and Twilight in the premier. Given how Twilight seems to have a thing for imitating magic she witnesses, I always figured that's where she learned to teleport; she does it soon afterwards when fighting NMM, and seems surprised when she does it in Ticket Master.
Then again, the fact that Sunset Shimmer can do it might indicate that it's something Celestia teaches her students. Could go either way, I'd say.
Nightmare Moon teleports herself and Twilight in the premier. Given how Twilight seems to have a thing for imitating magic she witnesses, I always figured that's where she learned to teleport; she does it soon afterwards when fighting NMM, and seems surprised when she does it in Ticket Master.
Then again, the fact that Sunset Shimmer can do it might indicate that it's something Celestia teaches her students. Could go either way, I'd say.
>>horizon
It helps to guess heavily for the girl who announced she had three fics in the finals. :raritywink:
It helps to guess heavily for the girl who announced she had three fics in the finals. :raritywink:
Oh, so that's how you add comments. I've been sitting here scratching my head and figuring that I was just having bad luck about checking in at times when comments weren't allowed for anonymity reasons or something. Didn't realize I had to create an alias as well as the account. I suppose that's what I get for not carefully reading the FAQ, it appears.
Pie to Pie is mine, anyway.
Pie to Pie is mine, anyway.
Congrats to the medalists, guessers, and the most controversials.
And thanks to the people who reviewed and read my story. I was going to post a retrospection but... I had to put my pet down (A bit of an ironic prompt, huh?) and I'm still grieving. Anyways, see you all next round (in better spirits, I hope).
And thanks to the people who reviewed and read my story. I was going to post a retrospection but... I had to put my pet down (A bit of an ironic prompt, huh?) and I'm still grieving. Anyways, see you all next round (in better spirits, I hope).
>>Cold in Gardez
Not to the narrative, maybe, but I find it useful in working on voice. Makes me get very deliberate with Applejack's voice, in order to hit the dialect without going overboard. Of course, I write like I'm transcribing an oral storyteller, so maybe I have some funny habits about voice.
Not to the narrative, maybe, but I find it useful in working on voice. Makes me get very deliberate with Applejack's voice, in order to hit the dialect without going overboard. Of course, I write like I'm transcribing an oral storyteller, so maybe I have some funny habits about voice.
Retrospective
I don't have much to say about this story, because I think it worked. I changed very little before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition).
But thanks to everypony for the feedback! I hope you enjoyed my story.
I don't have much to say about this story, because I think it worked. I changed very little before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition).
But thanks to everypony for the feedback! I hope you enjoyed my story.
Retrospective
I took most of your collective advice in revising this story. "Ass" has become "royal posterior", the descriptions in the intro are now more detailed, and it actually explains why Celestia can't simply demand a vacation.
So I fixed this up before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition). Thanks to everypony for the feedback that made this possible.
I took most of your collective advice in revising this story. "Ass" has become "royal posterior", the descriptions in the intro are now more detailed, and it actually explains why Celestia can't simply demand a vacation.
So I fixed this up before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition). Thanks to everypony for the feedback that made this possible.
Retrospective
This one's a bit grim and the weakest of the three stories, but I took some of your collective advice on the voicing of Applejack and the brothers, as well as lampshading the issue of attempted murder.
So I fixed this up before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition). Thanks to everypony for the feedback that made this possible.
This one's a bit grim and the weakest of the three stories, but I took some of your collective advice on the voicing of Applejack and the brothers, as well as lampshading the issue of attempted murder.
So I fixed this up before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition). Thanks to everypony for the feedback that made this possible.
Retrospective (altogether)
I thought I'd break out of the usual Trick Question mold and write some comedies: Dying for Attention, Celestia's Vacation, and A Deal to Die For. I think on the whole they were successful, although I made some missteps that have since (mostly) been corrected. I've already published these on Fimfiction so I'll add them to the group when the folder has been created.
I hope some of you got a chuckle. :trollestia: You'll probably appreciate the changes I've made in the fixed versions, although Dying for Attention hardly changed at all (I thought it worked well as-was).
The collection is titled Dead and Loving It, and you can find it here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/321469/dead-and-loving-it
Thanks again for all the valuable feedback!
I thought I'd break out of the usual Trick Question mold and write some comedies: Dying for Attention, Celestia's Vacation, and A Deal to Die For. I think on the whole they were successful, although I made some missteps that have since (mostly) been corrected. I've already published these on Fimfiction so I'll add them to the group when the folder has been created.
I hope some of you got a chuckle. :trollestia: You'll probably appreciate the changes I've made in the fixed versions, although Dying for Attention hardly changed at all (I thought it worked well as-was).
The collection is titled Dead and Loving It, and you can find it here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/321469/dead-and-loving-it
Thanks again for all the valuable feedback!
heh heh. hehehheh. HEH HEH HEH.
I wouldn't have gone any further with that prank, until I also came up with a minific about stolen identities. It fit together too perfectly. but otherwise it's irrelevant to the rest.
this was an experiment on Form, rather than Idea. I thought it was kinda pretentious, and didn't expect it to score as well as it did.
inspired by Bart Layton's film, The Impostor. I don't want to spoil it because it's a whole lot better than this minific. I didn't quite achieve the same goal with the twist here, so I won't reveal what was really going on here (because it'll also spoil the much better movie). or you can watch this great analysis if you don't care about spoilers. you'll probably figure it out.
in that analysis, I found the way it talks about characters staring directly into the camera lens seem to bring the viewer directly into the story. you don't just sit back and watch, you start connecting dots (maybe without realizing it) because your conclusion matters more. and since I'm fond of 2nd Person Perspective in writing, I wanted to try this out in my own way. One common complaint of 2nd person is "You can't control me, don't tell me what to do or think or feel." I think that's missing the point, but it gave me the idea for setting up this limitation. You're just an observer. You'll see events, and remember details of what happened, but I won't manipulate you into doing anything. However, maybe the character in the story will do the manipulating instead.
I think it kinda worked, readers didn't seem to have a problem with the 2nd Person. Though I was still too ambiguous with the story going on. "Lyra"'s story needed more holes in it. Maybe more interaction with "Twilight" at the end to make it more conclusive. I was running out of time, writing 3 stories within the 3 hours before the deadline, and I had to improvise just enough to make it plausible.
Again, I'm surprised that improvising worked far better than my minifics where I carefully planned out the details to make sure everything fit together. I'm unaware of what I'm even doing right.
I wouldn't have gone any further with that prank, until I also came up with a minific about stolen identities. It fit together too perfectly. but otherwise it's irrelevant to the rest.
this was an experiment on Form, rather than Idea. I thought it was kinda pretentious, and didn't expect it to score as well as it did.
inspired by Bart Layton's film, The Impostor. I don't want to spoil it because it's a whole lot better than this minific. I didn't quite achieve the same goal with the twist here, so I won't reveal what was really going on here (because it'll also spoil the much better movie). or you can watch this great analysis if you don't care about spoilers. you'll probably figure it out.
in that analysis, I found the way it talks about characters staring directly into the camera lens seem to bring the viewer directly into the story. you don't just sit back and watch, you start connecting dots (maybe without realizing it) because your conclusion matters more. and since I'm fond of 2nd Person Perspective in writing, I wanted to try this out in my own way. One common complaint of 2nd person is "You can't control me, don't tell me what to do or think or feel." I think that's missing the point, but it gave me the idea for setting up this limitation. You're just an observer. You'll see events, and remember details of what happened, but I won't manipulate you into doing anything. However, maybe the character in the story will do the manipulating instead.
I think it kinda worked, readers didn't seem to have a problem with the 2nd Person. Though I was still too ambiguous with the story going on. "Lyra"'s story needed more holes in it. Maybe more interaction with "Twilight" at the end to make it more conclusive. I was running out of time, writing 3 stories within the 3 hours before the deadline, and I had to improvise just enough to make it plausible.
Again, I'm surprised that improvising worked far better than my minifics where I carefully planned out the details to make sure everything fit together. I'm unaware of what I'm even doing right.
>>RogerDodger
I don't know if this can be fixed, Rodge, but if you submit changes (like an edit or a post) you must remain on the page for a while or the changes will be lost entirely. That's bitten me three or four times already (had to rewrite posts etc.). I guess the submissions aren't entirely handled server-side?
I don't know if this can be fixed, Rodge, but if you submit changes (like an edit or a post) you must remain on the page for a while or the changes will be lost entirely. That's bitten me three or four times already (had to rewrite posts etc.). I guess the submissions aren't entirely handled server-side?
>>RogerDodger
Okay I see it. It's a cacheing problem. The changes aren't lost. While I work on a fix, you can see an uncached copy of the post if you go to /post/<id>/view.
Edit: Fixed now.
Okay I see it. It's a cacheing problem. The changes aren't lost. While I work on a fix, you can see an uncached copy of the post if you go to /post/<id>/view.
Edit: Fixed now.
>>RogerDodger
I inadvertently submitted 'Pie to Pie' anonymously. Is it possible to have it changed to 'Jordanis'?
I inadvertently submitted 'Pie to Pie' anonymously. Is it possible to have it changed to 'Jordanis'?
>>Jordanis
Sure. It'll take some time for the change to be reflected in the scoreboard etc.
Sure. It'll take some time for the change to be reflected in the scoreboard etc.
It's retrospective time!!!
Thanks to everyone who helped The Power Of Love place sixth! Thank you also for your comments. IMO this was a lot of story to try to get across in 750 words or less, and I'm thrilled that it worked as well as it did. Now with that said, let me take a moment to address the story's biggest issue right off the bat:
He shouldn't have been a unicorn.
This was what we call a pure and unadulterated screw-up on the author's part. There was nothing in the story that required him to be one, and many have pointed out that it made the conclusion make less sense. Because of course he can still communicate effectively, and perhaps even still move himself around, if he has access to magic. All those issues go away if he's an earth pony instead. :facehoof:
His being a unicorn was a holdover from the initial rough idea I had for this story ~6 months ago (yes, seriously, I'm sitting on a great moldy pile of dubious ideas that may not ever turn into anything). Originally, his unicorn-ness was going to present Chrysalis with a ticking time bomb scenario, where their shared love kept leaving him weaker in body but stronger in magic (somehow related to his artistic proclivities). She was going to have to decide whether to keep him around and risk having him accidentally destroy the hive (recall Twilight's uncontrolled bursts of super-charged magic following the Rainboom), or get rid of him at the cost of losing their love. But I could never quite figure out how to get that subplot to work, so I tossed it when I decided to use the basic idea for this Writeoff.
Onto the thought process for the fic:
Chrysalis is something of a love-vampire. Ponies are a happy and loving bunch for the most part. So one possible headcanon I can get into is the thought that changelings might capture and keep ponies as prisoners, feeding off their residual love-energy until their spirits either become so broken that they're useless as food, or they die.
I wanted to take that whole structure and invert it; give Chrysalis a sudden encounter with what seems to be real, freely-given love, and let that lead her through the realization that actual love means caring about the well-being of your beloved, rather than just what they can offer you.
That brings us to big issue #2, the "waves of hunger" line. That was intended as just one of several lines that were thrown-in as a way of trying to convey (in a desperately small number of words!) that Chrysalis had started feeding exclusively on the prisoner due to the sweetness of his love, but that she had also started to hold herself back from feeding on him because she was at risk of draining him to death--because she had grown to actually love him. To me, this was the make-or-break moment for the story; I needed to persuade you that a canon character had fallen for my random OC, which is of course one of the greatest hallmarks of bad fanfiction. :-P Fortunately, it seemed like you were willing to go with it! :pinkiesmile:
Once I established Chrysalis as feeling something akin to love for him, I got to start twisting the knife. Her thoughts about his well-being lead her to realize that he isn't quite right in the head... he may seem to love her, but deep down she begins to realize he's not truly able to give his consent for what's happening. She's bad for him and she knows it, and she cares enough to send him away... but he's strong and tenacious. He would do anything to get back to her. So she also has to prevent him from returning.
And that's where I wanted to anchor this in Chrysalis still being Chrysalis, rather than just a cutesy bug-waifu whose heart had been stolen. She isn't going to just suddenly turn sweet and gentle even though she's learned something material about the nature of love; she's going to filter her expression of that "love" through a twisted heart, hence why she leaves him too broken to return, and unable to even tell anyone what happened to him. (Which would have worked, of course, if he hadn't been a unicorn.)
Thank you guys again for reading, commenting, and validating that I could get all of that across in such a compact format! IMO, this should clean up pretty well for release to FimFiction... if anyone is interested in pre-reading subsequent drafts, please let me know.
Thanks to everyone who helped The Power Of Love place sixth! Thank you also for your comments. IMO this was a lot of story to try to get across in 750 words or less, and I'm thrilled that it worked as well as it did. Now with that said, let me take a moment to address the story's biggest issue right off the bat:
He shouldn't have been a unicorn.
This was what we call a pure and unadulterated screw-up on the author's part. There was nothing in the story that required him to be one, and many have pointed out that it made the conclusion make less sense. Because of course he can still communicate effectively, and perhaps even still move himself around, if he has access to magic. All those issues go away if he's an earth pony instead. :facehoof:
His being a unicorn was a holdover from the initial rough idea I had for this story ~6 months ago (yes, seriously, I'm sitting on a great moldy pile of dubious ideas that may not ever turn into anything). Originally, his unicorn-ness was going to present Chrysalis with a ticking time bomb scenario, where their shared love kept leaving him weaker in body but stronger in magic (somehow related to his artistic proclivities). She was going to have to decide whether to keep him around and risk having him accidentally destroy the hive (recall Twilight's uncontrolled bursts of super-charged magic following the Rainboom), or get rid of him at the cost of losing their love. But I could never quite figure out how to get that subplot to work, so I tossed it when I decided to use the basic idea for this Writeoff.
Onto the thought process for the fic:
Chrysalis is something of a love-vampire. Ponies are a happy and loving bunch for the most part. So one possible headcanon I can get into is the thought that changelings might capture and keep ponies as prisoners, feeding off their residual love-energy until their spirits either become so broken that they're useless as food, or they die.
I wanted to take that whole structure and invert it; give Chrysalis a sudden encounter with what seems to be real, freely-given love, and let that lead her through the realization that actual love means caring about the well-being of your beloved, rather than just what they can offer you.
That brings us to big issue #2, the "waves of hunger" line. That was intended as just one of several lines that were thrown-in as a way of trying to convey (in a desperately small number of words!) that Chrysalis had started feeding exclusively on the prisoner due to the sweetness of his love, but that she had also started to hold herself back from feeding on him because she was at risk of draining him to death--because she had grown to actually love him. To me, this was the make-or-break moment for the story; I needed to persuade you that a canon character had fallen for my random OC, which is of course one of the greatest hallmarks of bad fanfiction. :-P Fortunately, it seemed like you were willing to go with it! :pinkiesmile:
Once I established Chrysalis as feeling something akin to love for him, I got to start twisting the knife. Her thoughts about his well-being lead her to realize that he isn't quite right in the head... he may seem to love her, but deep down she begins to realize he's not truly able to give his consent for what's happening. She's bad for him and she knows it, and she cares enough to send him away... but he's strong and tenacious. He would do anything to get back to her. So she also has to prevent him from returning.
And that's where I wanted to anchor this in Chrysalis still being Chrysalis, rather than just a cutesy bug-waifu whose heart had been stolen. She isn't going to just suddenly turn sweet and gentle even though she's learned something material about the nature of love; she's going to filter her expression of that "love" through a twisted heart, hence why she leaves him too broken to return, and unable to even tell anyone what happened to him. (Which would have worked, of course, if he hadn't been a unicorn.)
Thank you guys again for reading, commenting, and validating that I could get all of that across in such a compact format! IMO, this should clean up pretty well for release to FimFiction... if anyone is interested in pre-reading subsequent drafts, please let me know.
Darnit, I didn’t get my second slate of reviews in. Darned real world and computers. Oh, well.
As you can see, An Awesome Funeral is mine. There’s something about the CMC, like they are a microcosm of the MLP universe with Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity distilled into youthful little mirror images of themselves. I’ll keep this short because I should be editing, so here goes.
This is based off the Mark Twain story The Adventures of Tom Sawyer which (of course) was made into a movie which is not as good as the book, but not bad. In short, Tom and Huck get lost in the cave, the whole town thinks they’re dead, and have a funeral. Which, of course, they show up at. Hey, with this prompt, I thought for certain this bit would be done about a dozen times.
In this case, the CMC have just snuck back into town after their latest creation, a rocket-powered sled, has crashed, burned, exploded and burned some more in Ghastly Gorge. Everypony thinks they’re dead, BUT they’re alive (seriously, I thought about going the morbid route, but no). So there they are, in the attic of the Carousal Boutique, trying to figure out if this latest disaster means their families will break them up, and trying to get up the courage to face the funeral music.
Which, of course, goes the same way as their normal plans.
Really, I’m a little disappointed in my writing if some of you thought they were really dead, and I thought I had the ‘voices’ for the characters pegged fairly well. I mean Sweetie is commenting that they should have had seat belts, Scootaloo is upset that they didn’t get a picture of the explosion, and Apple Bloom is being the semi-responsible one.
Oh, well. Top Ten. Not bad at all. Thanks, guys!
As you can see, An Awesome Funeral is mine. There’s something about the CMC, like they are a microcosm of the MLP universe with Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity distilled into youthful little mirror images of themselves. I’ll keep this short because I should be editing, so here goes.
This is based off the Mark Twain story The Adventures of Tom Sawyer which (of course) was made into a movie which is not as good as the book, but not bad. In short, Tom and Huck get lost in the cave, the whole town thinks they’re dead, and have a funeral. Which, of course, they show up at. Hey, with this prompt, I thought for certain this bit would be done about a dozen times.
In this case, the CMC have just snuck back into town after their latest creation, a rocket-powered sled, has crashed, burned, exploded and burned some more in Ghastly Gorge. Everypony thinks they’re dead, BUT they’re alive (seriously, I thought about going the morbid route, but no). So there they are, in the attic of the Carousal Boutique, trying to figure out if this latest disaster means their families will break them up, and trying to get up the courage to face the funeral music.
Which, of course, goes the same way as their normal plans.
Really, I’m a little disappointed in my writing if some of you thought they were really dead, and I thought I had the ‘voices’ for the characters pegged fairly well. I mean Sweetie is commenting that they should have had seat belts, Scootaloo is upset that they didn’t get a picture of the explosion, and Apple Bloom is being the semi-responsible one.
Oh, well. Top Ten. Not bad at all. Thanks, guys!
>>JaketheGinger Nope, ruins Applejack's punch line at the end.
>>Trick_Question The older sisters are in the attic at the END of the story. Sigh.
>>TitaniumDragon Thanks, TD.
>>CoffeeMinion Yeah, I tried to keep as much Show as possible, but sometimes you have to Tell too or people miss it. Like some did with this one.
>>FanOfMostEverything Aren't you the one who wrote "At first, I didn't see the frying pan. Then it hit me." :)
>>Orbiting_kettle Without the last two paras, I'll get comments saying, "Wait, I thought they were dead." Well, I do anyway, but fewer this way.
>>Trick_Question The older sisters are in the attic at the END of the story. Sigh.
>>TitaniumDragon Thanks, TD.
>>CoffeeMinion Yeah, I tried to keep as much Show as possible, but sometimes you have to Tell too or people miss it. Like some did with this one.
>>FanOfMostEverything Aren't you the one who wrote "At first, I didn't see the frying pan. Then it hit me." :)
>>Orbiting_kettle Without the last two paras, I'll get comments saying, "Wait, I thought they were dead." Well, I do anyway, but fewer this way.
Retrospective
So as people might have been able to tell I had a lot of fun writing this story. I have yet to see any of the Equestria Girls movies, but I love settings where magic and the real world clash and its so stories set there are a pretty natural fit for me. This was actually my warm-up story, done just after brainstorming, and so was rather rough around the edges particularly when it came to the logic of Rainbow's actions, as people have pointed out. The one sentence seed idea for this story was: Human Rainbow exploits ponying up to beat her commute
Anyway, The basic idea for this story was Rainbow doing something stupid and reckless and Sunset washing her hands of the incident, 'Well, it's your funeral' style. I'm actually somewhat surprised that we had so few stories following that theme all in all. I made a concerted effort to write something other than a half dozen stories about funerals and figured the field would follow so as to distinguish themselves from that baseline. In the end I think The Rainbow Beat ended up as a bit of an outlier, not addressing death at all.
The story begins and ends at the idea of Rainbow hacking the music magic to get flight powers. I think, on reflection, that limited how far it was ever going to get in the competition as there's very little in the way of character development and it takes a very long time to really get to the point. The idea itself is pretty sound, but there's no real conflict and the whole story would be bypassed by Rainbow being more risky (and if that's ever a problem then Rainbow has not been written properly). A few people have pointed out some other plotholes, most of which I'd agree with, which were also an issue but mostly down to a lack of words to fix things. Like the majority of my stories this went way over the word budget and I had to cut harshly to fit it into the limit.
Overall, while I like the idea and will probably use it again, the idea was too big for the contest and so I failed to put any actual story around it. It was a fun idea and got into the finals because of that, but lacked the bite to get any higher.
>>FanOfMostEverything I fully agree, alas fridge logic applied to me as well.
>>Orbiting_kettle I'd love to claim that idea, but my background thought went along the lines. Rainbow has gone to Sunset's to get a lift to school, she's been unable to get in so has flown up to her window, she's realised there that maybe she could just fly, and Sunset confirms it leading her to shoot off. Her just showing off makes a bit more sense from what's there.
Actually, come to think of it telling the story from Rainbow's perspective would make a great deal more sense...
>>Bugle :) I'd forgotten that sentence. I'll take it as a good sign I keep laughing at my one liners.
>>Icenrose Glad you had fun. I'm really, really not a morning person (heck I'm barely a late afternoon person) so I'm with Sunset on this one.
>>CoffeeMinion Hmm, seems my accent may have crept through. Usually I'd catch this in the edit but but I was way too busy the day of the Write-off.
>>Trick_Question In my head I imagine that while Sunset knows the girls don't. Not because she doesn't want to tell them, they just haven't asked and they lack the frame of reference to ask. Rainbow thinks she grows wings because she's awesome, not because there's a pegasus version of herself in another reality.
So as people might have been able to tell I had a lot of fun writing this story. I have yet to see any of the Equestria Girls movies, but I love settings where magic and the real world clash and its so stories set there are a pretty natural fit for me. This was actually my warm-up story, done just after brainstorming, and so was rather rough around the edges particularly when it came to the logic of Rainbow's actions, as people have pointed out. The one sentence seed idea for this story was: Human Rainbow exploits ponying up to beat her commute
Anyway, The basic idea for this story was Rainbow doing something stupid and reckless and Sunset washing her hands of the incident, 'Well, it's your funeral' style. I'm actually somewhat surprised that we had so few stories following that theme all in all. I made a concerted effort to write something other than a half dozen stories about funerals and figured the field would follow so as to distinguish themselves from that baseline. In the end I think The Rainbow Beat ended up as a bit of an outlier, not addressing death at all.
The story begins and ends at the idea of Rainbow hacking the music magic to get flight powers. I think, on reflection, that limited how far it was ever going to get in the competition as there's very little in the way of character development and it takes a very long time to really get to the point. The idea itself is pretty sound, but there's no real conflict and the whole story would be bypassed by Rainbow being more risky (and if that's ever a problem then Rainbow has not been written properly). A few people have pointed out some other plotholes, most of which I'd agree with, which were also an issue but mostly down to a lack of words to fix things. Like the majority of my stories this went way over the word budget and I had to cut harshly to fit it into the limit.
Overall, while I like the idea and will probably use it again, the idea was too big for the contest and so I failed to put any actual story around it. It was a fun idea and got into the finals because of that, but lacked the bite to get any higher.
>>FanOfMostEverything I fully agree, alas fridge logic applied to me as well.
>>Orbiting_kettle I'd love to claim that idea, but my background thought went along the lines. Rainbow has gone to Sunset's to get a lift to school, she's been unable to get in so has flown up to her window, she's realised there that maybe she could just fly, and Sunset confirms it leading her to shoot off. Her just showing off makes a bit more sense from what's there.
Actually, come to think of it telling the story from Rainbow's perspective would make a great deal more sense...
>>Bugle :) I'd forgotten that sentence. I'll take it as a good sign I keep laughing at my one liners.
>>Icenrose Glad you had fun. I'm really, really not a morning person (heck I'm barely a late afternoon person) so I'm with Sunset on this one.
>>CoffeeMinion Hmm, seems my accent may have crept through. Usually I'd catch this in the edit but but I was way too busy the day of the Write-off.
>>Trick_Question In my head I imagine that while Sunset knows the girls don't. Not because she doesn't want to tell them, they just haven't asked and they lack the frame of reference to ask. Rainbow thinks she grows wings because she's awesome, not because there's a pegasus version of herself in another reality.
There are several stories up now, so this is another reminder that somepony needs to create the folder in TWA.
(Folder should probably be created when the competition starts (as soon as the prompt drops), so ponies who have late entries they couldn't finish in time can post them without delay.)
(Folder should probably be created when the competition starts (as soon as the prompt drops), so ponies who have late entries they couldn't finish in time can post them without delay.)
This wasn't on my ballot and now I'm sad. It would have easily, effortlessly taken the top spot.
Lucky Dreams, why you so good?
Lucky Dreams, why you so good?
>>Cold in Gardez
Honestly, that feeling of disappointment at missing out on some of the interesting stories is what drove me to read them all this time. It probably isn't a scalable approach to every Writeoff, but I might at least start reading all the finalists.
I may start being a lot more selective about submitting multiple stories, too. It seems like a fun idea on the surface, but both times I've done it, my primary accomplishments were losing points and wasting people's time with inferior stories.
Honestly, that feeling of disappointment at missing out on some of the interesting stories is what drove me to read them all this time. It probably isn't a scalable approach to every Writeoff, but I might at least start reading all the finalists.
I may start being a lot more selective about submitting multiple stories, too. It seems like a fun idea on the surface, but both times I've done it, my primary accomplishments were losing points and wasting people's time with inferior stories.
Retrospective
So this was my wind-down fic at the end of the contest. I figured that after I finished my other two stories I could either go to bed or try and write as much as possible in the time left. Foolishly I chose the latter and this fic got written in 40 minutes. This showed badly and a lot of people pointed out wonky phrasing, a general rushed feel and a few blatant spelling mistakes. Given the lack of time I had for editing I wasn't surprised and it was nice to see people enjoyed the story anyway.
My seed sentence for this one was: Twilight made her friends immortal, she probably should have told them first. I'd just finished Rites, so I really wanted to wind down with something stupid and this one was just perfect for that. Immortality was a subversion of the prompt, with Rarity getting upset over not dying, rather than all the tears about death in the rest of the field. I never can seem to write straight to the prompt it seems.
Anyway, as commentators have pointed out this one felt rushed more than anything else. There was too much in too little space and if we're honest I probably could have written up these ideas to hit the magic 2k for the longer round without much trouble. I loved writing Rarity complaining in her oh so polite tone that she wasn't dead, but the themes of acceptance were lost and Pinkie confused everyone.
Ultimately, for those who struggled with the ending, the idea with Pinkie was that she was the 'curious case', not Rarity. The idea being to use Pinkie's cartoonish grasp of reality (Pinkie Pie: voted most likely to survive being crushed by an anvil four years running [Twilight beat her one year because she actually survived being crushed by an anvil]) and play it off as full blown immortality. When faced with two immortals and her own rather imminent mortality Rarity was supposed to change her mind, regardless of the hypocrisy. This was pretty much lost to the word count, however, so I'll be expanding it a lot for the FiMFiction version.
Thank you everyone who left a comment, to answer a few:
>>Trick_Question Doh. I know I made a lot of spelling errors in this one, but the Litch one hurt the most.
>>Calipony I feel (and do correct me) that Pinkie's big problem was less that she was absurd but that she didn't have enough of a run up. She hops on, does something cartoonish and hops off, without room for the audience to internalise it and rationalise it along with the whole absurdity of the drain pipe or Twilight messing with souls.
>>GrandMoffPony Definitely agree. Needs more words.
>>FanOfMostEverything That was exactly what I was referencing as it happens. I love Pinkie when she goes full loony toons. But anyway, I fully agree there needs to be some work on the flow.
>>HoofBitingActionOverload Cut glass is an British phase (as I now realise). It means an extremely refined and haughty accent. In this case it would be Rarity at her most piercing tone, yet still controlled and measured.
You're right about that one line being a bit of an outlier, there's no reaction to it but that was very much down to word limitations.
>>pterrorgrine I guess the US phrase would be a gutter or downspout, but I'd imagine a 'drain pipe' as about a hand across even without the tell.
Shoulders/withers is one of those arguments I have with my proofreaders. Withers is technically more correct, shoulders means the casual reader has a clue what you're talking about.
So this was my wind-down fic at the end of the contest. I figured that after I finished my other two stories I could either go to bed or try and write as much as possible in the time left. Foolishly I chose the latter and this fic got written in 40 minutes. This showed badly and a lot of people pointed out wonky phrasing, a general rushed feel and a few blatant spelling mistakes. Given the lack of time I had for editing I wasn't surprised and it was nice to see people enjoyed the story anyway.
My seed sentence for this one was: Twilight made her friends immortal, she probably should have told them first. I'd just finished Rites, so I really wanted to wind down with something stupid and this one was just perfect for that. Immortality was a subversion of the prompt, with Rarity getting upset over not dying, rather than all the tears about death in the rest of the field. I never can seem to write straight to the prompt it seems.
Anyway, as commentators have pointed out this one felt rushed more than anything else. There was too much in too little space and if we're honest I probably could have written up these ideas to hit the magic 2k for the longer round without much trouble. I loved writing Rarity complaining in her oh so polite tone that she wasn't dead, but the themes of acceptance were lost and Pinkie confused everyone.
Ultimately, for those who struggled with the ending, the idea with Pinkie was that she was the 'curious case', not Rarity. The idea being to use Pinkie's cartoonish grasp of reality (Pinkie Pie: voted most likely to survive being crushed by an anvil four years running [Twilight beat her one year because she actually survived being crushed by an anvil]) and play it off as full blown immortality. When faced with two immortals and her own rather imminent mortality Rarity was supposed to change her mind, regardless of the hypocrisy. This was pretty much lost to the word count, however, so I'll be expanding it a lot for the FiMFiction version.
Thank you everyone who left a comment, to answer a few:
>>Trick_Question Doh. I know I made a lot of spelling errors in this one, but the Litch one hurt the most.
>>Calipony I feel (and do correct me) that Pinkie's big problem was less that she was absurd but that she didn't have enough of a run up. She hops on, does something cartoonish and hops off, without room for the audience to internalise it and rationalise it along with the whole absurdity of the drain pipe or Twilight messing with souls.
>>GrandMoffPony Definitely agree. Needs more words.
>>FanOfMostEverything That was exactly what I was referencing as it happens. I love Pinkie when she goes full loony toons. But anyway, I fully agree there needs to be some work on the flow.
>>HoofBitingActionOverload Cut glass is an British phase (as I now realise). It means an extremely refined and haughty accent. In this case it would be Rarity at her most piercing tone, yet still controlled and measured.
You're right about that one line being a bit of an outlier, there's no reaction to it but that was very much down to word limitations.
>>pterrorgrine I guess the US phrase would be a gutter or downspout, but I'd imagine a 'drain pipe' as about a hand across even without the tell.
Shoulders/withers is one of those arguments I have with my proofreaders. Withers is technically more correct, shoulders means the casual reader has a clue what you're talking about.
>>Cold in Gardez Did you click to add another fic when your initial Finals ballot was read through and sorted? I almost missed three I hadn't read that way. The text contrast is too low, and I was expecting the entire run at one shot. I just hapened to see it and added the last three.
Congrats on the gold, btw. It's about time. ;)
Congrats on the gold, btw. It's about time. ;)
>>Trick_Question
That would be my fault. This is what happens when I try to skip rounds. D:
Folder has now been created, so everyone please add your stories there when you post them to FIMFic. And if you've entered a competition but you're not yet a "contributor" to the Writeoff group, bug me over on Fimfic and I'll get that fixed. We have a thread for that in the group forum, or you can PM me directly.
There are several stories up now, so this is another reminder that somepony needs to create the folder in TWA.
(Folder should probably be created when the competition starts (as soon as the prompt drops), so ponies who have late entries they couldn't finish in time can post them without delay.)
That would be my fault. This is what happens when I try to skip rounds. D:
Folder has now been created, so everyone please add your stories there when you post them to FIMFic. And if you've entered a competition but you're not yet a "contributor" to the Writeoff group, bug me over on Fimfic and I'll get that fixed. We have a thread for that in the group forum, or you can PM me directly.
Right, then!
Retrospective
I wrote Timely, a story I was more worried about prior to submission than any other I've written thus far. I had several concerns, but there were two chief among them:
a) I was sickened by the fear that some might consider Fluttershy's suicide attempt to be somehow callously disregarding people's real struggles with their own depression.
b) This story is, at its heart, autobiographical, and I was worried that I had damaged my ability to read/edit the text with a measure of objectivity because of it.
Everypony's reviews and feedback did a great deal to alleviate my fear of a) (while Fluttershy's descent into despair certainly needs more room to breath, her arc seems to have been received in the spirit it was intended), but it's clear there was some truth to b). The epilogue, for me, was just as important a scene as Rainbow Dash's unintentional intercession, and from a story standpoint, it's not. Just because that's how my particular story played out, that doesn't mean this fic is served well by its inclusion.
All of you gave really helpful feedback, and I'd like to address each of you in turn.
>>Soaring The *knock knock knock* was another concern of mine. I didn't want to have it be "Suddenly, there was a knock at the door," becauseugh, cliche I didn't feel it would have the same sort of impact. Even keeping the line break and starting with "She was interrupted by a knock at the door" still feels... passive, somehow. You say they're distracting because they aren't separated from the dialogue/exposition; would moving the line that starts with "A raspy voice" down a paragraph help to differentiate things? I'm aware it's a little clunky, I'd like to know how that specific section could be improved while maintaining the effect I'm going for.
Also, the line, "Fluttershy, I don't ever want you to go anywhere!" is the most egregious example of my objectivity failing me. It's a direct quote from my own personal story, and while I do think it's a good line in context (Fluttershy having just implied that she could easily have been elsewhere, i.e. not here), it could easily have been better. It's on the list of things to reassess.
Since you were the first to provide your thoughts, thanks for your timely (hue) feedback!
>>horizon Thank you for giving me the reassurance I was so desperately hoping for that I had indeed treated this subject with the respect it deserved, and apologies for being the story that broke your commitment to abstention this time around. ^_^
You presented an interesting alternate direction to take the story, and starting in medias res with Rainbow Dash off the bat would certainly cut right to the chase (I agree, starting with that interaction is more interesting than watching somepony slowly self-destruct). My concern is that this would make Fluttershy's actions even more abrupt, and would require me to retroactively construct the justification I'd need to prevent readers from souring on the narrative. It feels like I would be writing on the defensive, rather than having carefully constructed an expectation trap and springing it on the reader.
That's likely just me being timid, though - it's scary treading off the beaten path. Maybe I could try to be more subtle about the events as I reveal them to the reader, as Fluttershy tries to deflect Rainbow Dash's inquiries as to why she was crying? It'd require a pretty major overhaul, but it might be worth it. You've given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for your feedback, and the particularly encouraging final verdict!
>>Trick_Question I whole-heartedly agree - I re-wrote a lot of the middle of this story several times, trying to finely balance Fluttershy's time alone against her interaction with Rainbow Dash, and the epilogue suffered from the comparative lack of attention. There will be a great deal more juxtaposition between the beginning and end once I polish this up for publication, and I'll be adding a thread that focuses on Fluttershy's sense of self-worth.
I really appreciate you adding your thoughts (and I'm impressed by your efforts this time around, go you)!
>>Haze Again, this is my lack of objectivity surfacing - I agree that, as-written, the epilogue doesn't add much to the story. When I punch it up for publication, I'll need to justify its existence more than I currently have.
The title was honestly one of the primary sticking points for me. The working title for this fic was "Confession", which I think would have simultaneously tipped my hand too early and been criminally misleading with the contents of the story. From the time the story was more or less finished up until an hour before submissions were due the title was "I Don't Plan To", a horrific title drop that I hated. "Timely" was the best I could come up with under duress. I'm still not fond of it, but it's better than what I had.
I did notice that my story was consistently in the bottom tier of stories with regards to amount of feedback this time around, so thank you for taking the time to help me out!
>>CoffeeMinion Aw, cheers yo. I feel the love. :twilightsmile: I am pretty pleased with how I presented Rainbow Dash - she is my favorite, after all - and I'm glad you enjoyed her portrayal as well.
I deliberately obfuscated what precisely Fluttershy was about to do, for two reasons. First, I didn't want to accidentally teach somepony how to, um, properly execute the technique, and second, any words I spent hammering the point home(goddesses, I'm terrible) were words I felt I could better use elsewhere.
"Dear" was one of those moments that had me cursing softly, head in hands, as a trio of witches cackled faintly in the distance. Its inclusion is a symptom of the same disease that plagued "Thrice" in the previous contest; it sounded good when I wrote it, and then I never actually read it again. Fluttershy will use Rainbow's name in the finished fic.
As with TQ, I'm impressed with your efforts to read and review every fic in the competition. Thank you for taking the time to craft a solid set of thoughts for my story!
>>wYvern You brought up a couple of excellent points, foremost among them being that Pinkie Pie's inclusion breaks the story. I did find it galling that I had to ignore the logistics of Fluttershy's situation, but I couldn't devote the necessary words to avoid making it feel as though I was handwaving them away and still keep the other key story elements. When I re-write it, there will be some time devoted to showing how Fluttershy's poor self-esteem causes her to react negatively to friendly advances from Ponyville's townsfolk when she's forced to go into town for supplies. But in order for any of that to work, Pinkie Pie can't be there.
Thank you for calling that to my attention - I don't think I would have caught it otherwise. I really appreciate your feedback!
>>TitaniumDragon The universe is powered by irony, and I like your idea to include some of it in Rainbow Dash's dialogue - it would certainly fit her character. And you're right about my not using Fluttershy's character as well as I could have; I have Plans for that now.
Your final note, if you'll pardon the expression, cut pretty deep, as that was precisely what I wanted to avoid. I shall redouble my efforts during the re-write.
Thank you for sharing your feedback!
>>Morning Sun I had to Google what a "lollipop moment" was, and I'm glad I did. I'm happy to know there's someone else out there spreading the same message I wrote this story to convey. Thank you for bringing him to my attention!
This dovetails nicely with how I wanted to wrap things up. I don't want to descend into the sort of saccharine moralizing that horizon praised me for avoiding in the story proper, so I'll simply reiterate that this is a true story. I took some creative liberties - my version of the story wasn't quite so down to the wire - but I think it's important to remind people that you don't need to go out of your way to have an impact.
It's funny, actually - I only just now realized whose story it was when I looked it up - but it's fitting that the comment I left on Morning Sun's story, "As You Wish", references Songbird (>>Icenrose).
She's the one who saved my life. I was kinda startled to see her name again, considering.
Much love, everypony.
Final Thought: Make Sure Your Personal Rainbow Dash Knows She's Awesome
Retrospective
I wrote Timely, a story I was more worried about prior to submission than any other I've written thus far. I had several concerns, but there were two chief among them:
a) I was sickened by the fear that some might consider Fluttershy's suicide attempt to be somehow callously disregarding people's real struggles with their own depression.
b) This story is, at its heart, autobiographical, and I was worried that I had damaged my ability to read/edit the text with a measure of objectivity because of it.
Everypony's reviews and feedback did a great deal to alleviate my fear of a) (while Fluttershy's descent into despair certainly needs more room to breath, her arc seems to have been received in the spirit it was intended), but it's clear there was some truth to b). The epilogue, for me, was just as important a scene as Rainbow Dash's unintentional intercession, and from a story standpoint, it's not. Just because that's how my particular story played out, that doesn't mean this fic is served well by its inclusion.
All of you gave really helpful feedback, and I'd like to address each of you in turn.
>>Soaring The *knock knock knock* was another concern of mine. I didn't want to have it be "Suddenly, there was a knock at the door," because
Also, the line, "Fluttershy, I don't ever want you to go anywhere!" is the most egregious example of my objectivity failing me. It's a direct quote from my own personal story, and while I do think it's a good line in context (Fluttershy having just implied that she could easily have been elsewhere, i.e. not here), it could easily have been better. It's on the list of things to reassess.
Since you were the first to provide your thoughts, thanks for your timely (hue) feedback!
>>horizon Thank you for giving me the reassurance I was so desperately hoping for that I had indeed treated this subject with the respect it deserved, and apologies for being the story that broke your commitment to abstention this time around. ^_^
You presented an interesting alternate direction to take the story, and starting in medias res with Rainbow Dash off the bat would certainly cut right to the chase (I agree, starting with that interaction is more interesting than watching somepony slowly self-destruct). My concern is that this would make Fluttershy's actions even more abrupt, and would require me to retroactively construct the justification I'd need to prevent readers from souring on the narrative. It feels like I would be writing on the defensive, rather than having carefully constructed an expectation trap and springing it on the reader.
That's likely just me being timid, though - it's scary treading off the beaten path. Maybe I could try to be more subtle about the events as I reveal them to the reader, as Fluttershy tries to deflect Rainbow Dash's inquiries as to why she was crying? It'd require a pretty major overhaul, but it might be worth it. You've given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for your feedback, and the particularly encouraging final verdict!
>>Trick_Question I whole-heartedly agree - I re-wrote a lot of the middle of this story several times, trying to finely balance Fluttershy's time alone against her interaction with Rainbow Dash, and the epilogue suffered from the comparative lack of attention. There will be a great deal more juxtaposition between the beginning and end once I polish this up for publication, and I'll be adding a thread that focuses on Fluttershy's sense of self-worth.
I really appreciate you adding your thoughts (and I'm impressed by your efforts this time around, go you)!
>>Haze Again, this is my lack of objectivity surfacing - I agree that, as-written, the epilogue doesn't add much to the story. When I punch it up for publication, I'll need to justify its existence more than I currently have.
The title was honestly one of the primary sticking points for me. The working title for this fic was "Confession", which I think would have simultaneously tipped my hand too early and been criminally misleading with the contents of the story. From the time the story was more or less finished up until an hour before submissions were due the title was "I Don't Plan To", a horrific title drop that I hated. "Timely" was the best I could come up with under duress. I'm still not fond of it, but it's better than what I had.
I did notice that my story was consistently in the bottom tier of stories with regards to amount of feedback this time around, so thank you for taking the time to help me out!
>>CoffeeMinion Aw, cheers yo. I feel the love. :twilightsmile: I am pretty pleased with how I presented Rainbow Dash - she is my favorite, after all - and I'm glad you enjoyed her portrayal as well.
I deliberately obfuscated what precisely Fluttershy was about to do, for two reasons. First, I didn't want to accidentally teach somepony how to, um, properly execute the technique, and second, any words I spent hammering the point home
"Dear" was one of those moments that had me cursing softly, head in hands, as a trio of witches cackled faintly in the distance. Its inclusion is a symptom of the same disease that plagued "Thrice" in the previous contest; it sounded good when I wrote it, and then I never actually read it again. Fluttershy will use Rainbow's name in the finished fic.
As with TQ, I'm impressed with your efforts to read and review every fic in the competition. Thank you for taking the time to craft a solid set of thoughts for my story!
>>wYvern You brought up a couple of excellent points, foremost among them being that Pinkie Pie's inclusion breaks the story. I did find it galling that I had to ignore the logistics of Fluttershy's situation, but I couldn't devote the necessary words to avoid making it feel as though I was handwaving them away and still keep the other key story elements. When I re-write it, there will be some time devoted to showing how Fluttershy's poor self-esteem causes her to react negatively to friendly advances from Ponyville's townsfolk when she's forced to go into town for supplies. But in order for any of that to work, Pinkie Pie can't be there.
Thank you for calling that to my attention - I don't think I would have caught it otherwise. I really appreciate your feedback!
>>TitaniumDragon The universe is powered by irony, and I like your idea to include some of it in Rainbow Dash's dialogue - it would certainly fit her character. And you're right about my not using Fluttershy's character as well as I could have; I have Plans for that now.
Your final note, if you'll pardon the expression, cut pretty deep, as that was precisely what I wanted to avoid. I shall redouble my efforts during the re-write.
Thank you for sharing your feedback!
>>Morning Sun I had to Google what a "lollipop moment" was, and I'm glad I did. I'm happy to know there's someone else out there spreading the same message I wrote this story to convey. Thank you for bringing him to my attention!
This dovetails nicely with how I wanted to wrap things up. I don't want to descend into the sort of saccharine moralizing that horizon praised me for avoiding in the story proper, so I'll simply reiterate that this is a true story. I took some creative liberties - my version of the story wasn't quite so down to the wire - but I think it's important to remind people that you don't need to go out of your way to have an impact.
It's funny, actually - I only just now realized whose story it was when I looked it up - but it's fitting that the comment I left on Morning Sun's story, "As You Wish", references Songbird (>>Icenrose).
She's the one who saved my life. I was kinda startled to see her name again, considering.
Much love, everypony.
Final Thought: Make Sure Your Personal Rainbow Dash Knows She's Awesome
Thank you all for your feedback, both the praise and the critique. I knew I was going to run into trouble with the word limit while writing the back and forth between what DT writes and what she thinks, and the emotional arc and the interaction with her father suffered for it. Also, I agree that her final draft is quite a bit too mature.
I usually abandon my minifics after the competition, but I'm thinking about polishing this up for fimfiction. I know pretty much what to do, but for one thing:
How do I make readers buy the premise?
Many of you found issue with the assignment. I've had that very same assignment, to write about how one would wish to see one's own funeral play out, in middle school (age 13, I think).
I don't really see how to patch this up, but to ditch the assignment and make her bring these thoughts to paper for a different reason. Right now, I'm thinking about expanding the argument with her mom, and have Spoiled Rich throw in something like "Your so-called friends probably wouldn't even come to your funeral!"... or something like that. I'm open for suggestions, though.
I usually abandon my minifics after the competition, but I'm thinking about polishing this up for fimfiction. I know pretty much what to do, but for one thing:
How do I make readers buy the premise?
Many of you found issue with the assignment. I've had that very same assignment, to write about how one would wish to see one's own funeral play out, in middle school (age 13, I think).
I don't really see how to patch this up, but to ditch the assignment and make her bring these thoughts to paper for a different reason. Right now, I'm thinking about expanding the argument with her mom, and have Spoiled Rich throw in something like "Your so-called friends probably wouldn't even come to your funeral!"... or something like that. I'm open for suggestions, though.
>>wYvern
Hmm. I'm not sure off the top of my head (I'm kinda spacey on meds at the moment), but you might get better response from the Chat, since most of us probably aren't watching this thread as closely now.
Hmm. I'm not sure off the top of my head (I'm kinda spacey on meds at the moment), but you might get better response from the Chat, since most of us probably aren't watching this thread as closely now.
>>wYvern
I think maybe having some ponies question the assignment would give a chance for the readers to have their own uncertainty about it be addressed.
FWIW, I don't see the big deal; I was pretty sure I had an assignment like this at some point, too. But evidently not everyone's in the same boat.
I think maybe having some ponies question the assignment would give a chance for the readers to have their own uncertainty about it be addressed.
FWIW, I don't see the big deal; I was pretty sure I had an assignment like this at some point, too. But evidently not everyone's in the same boat.
>>CoffeeMinion
Hmm that's an interesting idea. That would allow me to point out some arguments why I think it's a good assignment, and maybe convince readers that Cheerilee doesn't want her class to ponder their own mortality and get upset, but rather think about how they want to be remembered, and what they can do to achieve that during their lifetime. Thank you!
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras
Yeah, but that's only natural as long as there's no notification system in place. Once notifications work and maybe come with an e-mail about replies to comments as well, people will come back to the thread when their reviews are being addressed... I hope.
Hmm that's an interesting idea. That would allow me to point out some arguments why I think it's a good assignment, and maybe convince readers that Cheerilee doesn't want her class to ponder their own mortality and get upset, but rather think about how they want to be remembered, and what they can do to achieve that during their lifetime. Thank you!
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras
Yeah, but that's only natural as long as there's no notification system in place. Once notifications work and maybe come with an e-mail about replies to comments as well, people will come back to the thread when their reviews are being addressed... I hope.
>>wYvern
Maybe it's an assignment she's doing for therapy rather than school.
Just another idea, not necessarily a good one.
Maybe it's an assignment she's doing for therapy rather than school.
Just another idea, not necessarily a good one.
If she didn’t look, then that meant Rarity was really in the room with her, and nothing could prove otherwise.
Nobody else commented on this line but I'm very curious, does this mean Rarity had died and she was appearing as a ghost to comfort Sweetie?
