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Full Title: Thanks for the Donation
Author: Cold in Gardez's secret alt
Sandwich toppings: tomatoes, spinach, octopus
Funeral: The opposite of a viking funeral.
Eulogy delivered by: fishonfire, without the fire
I'm calling attention to this now just so it's flagged in the thread—I'll come back and review this one later. So far as I'm aware, Roger doesn't need to disqualify this since fishonfire doesn't seem to have entered the contest this time, but I figured it should be pointed out anyway. This way, at least, Roger can check whether this has come from the same account under a different alias.
Like I've said in the chat, I doubt it and I don't think anything untoward is happening here—I think someone's just having a bit of fun using the fishonfire intro for their own reasons. But I'm a trusting soul ^^
Hmm. That sandwich could actually work with a little balsamic vinegar… though I’m not sure why those first few lines are even there.
In any case, this is an interesting premise, but it really suffers from the word limit. It barely has room to even introduce its ideas, much less do something with them. It tries to end on a cliffhanger, but there’s just too little of it to actually make up a cliff. Plus, neither the title nor the prompt seem to fit the story. I do look forward to seeing this expanded. As I said, very interesting ideas. But for now, this just doesn’t go anywhere.
In any case, this is an interesting premise, but it really suffers from the word limit. It barely has room to even introduce its ideas, much less do something with them. It tries to end on a cliffhanger, but there’s just too little of it to actually make up a cliff. Plus, neither the title nor the prompt seem to fit the story. I do look forward to seeing this expanded. As I said, very interesting ideas. But for now, this just doesn’t go anywhere.
>>QuillScratch
I wish fishonfire would take this competition more seriously. The Writeoffs are more than just a source of cheap amusement.
I get it, of course. If you lampshade yourself at the beginning, you can't be accused of actually trying to succeed, so it hurts much less if and when you fail. That's what you're doing. I can see through you like a crocodilian icefish.
This isn't the right way to go about things. You have to accept risk and critique to grow as an artist; it isn't optional.
The ironic thing is, you're a good writer. That said, here are my critiques.
This is a very telly approach to telling a story, which is hard to pull off, but you did it well. I still think it'd be better with flashbacks than solid tell, though.
I think you need a clearer indication that the second-pony character is a royal guard, and a little more resolution at the end. Things still feel a little up-in-the-air when the piece is over and I think a lot of readers might feel they didn't understand the take-away.
I wish fishonfire would take this competition more seriously. The Writeoffs are more than just a source of cheap amusement.
I get it, of course. If you lampshade yourself at the beginning, you can't be accused of actually trying to succeed, so it hurts much less if and when you fail. That's what you're doing. I can see through you like a crocodilian icefish.
This isn't the right way to go about things. You have to accept risk and critique to grow as an artist; it isn't optional.
The ironic thing is, you're a good writer. That said, here are my critiques.
This is a very telly approach to telling a story, which is hard to pull off, but you did it well. I still think it'd be better with flashbacks than solid tell, though.
I think you need a clearer indication that the second-pony character is a royal guard, and a little more resolution at the end. Things still feel a little up-in-the-air when the piece is over and I think a lot of readers might feel they didn't understand the take-away.
A captured changeling hypnotizes the guard to her cell into believing that Twilight Sparkle is a changeling. Probably.
This was a tidy little piece. It has a nice little arc, we’re left with some doubt as to what is really going on, we get that nice little flicker of ambiguity, and a nicely sinister little villain here. This was solidly slotted into the word allowance.
This was a tidy little piece. It has a nice little arc, we’re left with some doubt as to what is really going on, we get that nice little flicker of ambiguity, and a nicely sinister little villain here. This was solidly slotted into the word allowance.
>>TitaniumDragon
I totally saw this the other way, primarily because it doesn't make much sense that Lyra is actually a changeling. What purpose would a hypnotized guard telling Celestia that Twilight is a changeling serve toward that changeling getting free?
Apart from that, it does make more sense your way. For some reason I was hypnotized along with the protagonist.
I totally saw this the other way, primarily because it doesn't make much sense that Lyra is actually a changeling. What purpose would a hypnotized guard telling Celestia that Twilight is a changeling serve toward that changeling getting free?
Apart from that, it does make more sense your way. For some reason I was hypnotized along with the protagonist.
The intro built an expectation that this would be some kind of trollfic, but then the rest of it was really solid. I'm not sure who I end up thinking is who by the end.
I'd like to see more written in this vein. I'm not sure how much this specific story needs to be expanded, though; it's kinda almost perfect as-is.
I'd like to see more written in this vein. I'm not sure how much this specific story needs to be expanded, though; it's kinda almost perfect as-is.
Ugh. Stopped at the intro. I don't think I can take something opening with a meta-gimmicky feel seriously enough to give it a fair examination / evaluation. Maybe the author was just having fun, buuuuuuuut it doesn't work for me.
Yes, I feel snobby, and I'm sorry, but it's just not what I'm looking for.
Yes, I feel snobby, and I'm sorry, but it's just not what I'm looking for.
Thanks for the Donation - B quality here. The concept is interesting, but clumsy in execution, and the use of the odd POV doesn’t help. The surroundings are not well defined, the characters are mushy, and it seems stilted, BUT some of that may be just because of time pressure. Still, I can’t judge more than a B.
This isn't bad, but I dont get why the 2nd person, and I would like it to be longer and fully explore the idea, as well as the fallout from this conversation. Aka I want like 5k+ words in this so we can deal with 'Is Twilight a bug?'
There’s a deliberate will here to blow smoke and obfuscate the reality, probably the imprisoned creature strives to confuse the coroner or whoever that ‘you’ represents, and it’s a nice part of the story. What’s less nice is that you’re also telling a story that is hardly understandable. How many Lyras are there in town? I got three: the true one, one faked of the changeling species, and the one that speaks here.
You challenged us to unravel a ball of wool that you have deliberately tangled, and it’s a pretty difficult task. As a result, this left me partly unsatisfied. I like the final sentence, though.
You challenged us to unravel a ball of wool that you have deliberately tangled, and it’s a pretty difficult task. As a result, this left me partly unsatisfied. I like the final sentence, though.
heh heh. hehehheh. HEH HEH HEH.
I wouldn't have gone any further with that prank, until I also came up with a minific about stolen identities. It fit together too perfectly. but otherwise it's irrelevant to the rest.
this was an experiment on Form, rather than Idea. I thought it was kinda pretentious, and didn't expect it to score as well as it did.
inspired by Bart Layton's film, The Impostor. I don't want to spoil it because it's a whole lot better than this minific. I didn't quite achieve the same goal with the twist here, so I won't reveal what was really going on here (because it'll also spoil the much better movie). or you can watch this great analysis if you don't care about spoilers. you'll probably figure it out.
in that analysis, I found the way it talks about characters staring directly into the camera lens seem to bring the viewer directly into the story. you don't just sit back and watch, you start connecting dots (maybe without realizing it) because your conclusion matters more. and since I'm fond of 2nd Person Perspective in writing, I wanted to try this out in my own way. One common complaint of 2nd person is "You can't control me, don't tell me what to do or think or feel." I think that's missing the point, but it gave me the idea for setting up this limitation. You're just an observer. You'll see events, and remember details of what happened, but I won't manipulate you into doing anything. However, maybe the character in the story will do the manipulating instead.
I think it kinda worked, readers didn't seem to have a problem with the 2nd Person. Though I was still too ambiguous with the story going on. "Lyra"'s story needed more holes in it. Maybe more interaction with "Twilight" at the end to make it more conclusive. I was running out of time, writing 3 stories within the 3 hours before the deadline, and I had to improvise just enough to make it plausible.
Again, I'm surprised that improvising worked far better than my minifics where I carefully planned out the details to make sure everything fit together. I'm unaware of what I'm even doing right.
I wouldn't have gone any further with that prank, until I also came up with a minific about stolen identities. It fit together too perfectly. but otherwise it's irrelevant to the rest.
this was an experiment on Form, rather than Idea. I thought it was kinda pretentious, and didn't expect it to score as well as it did.
inspired by Bart Layton's film, The Impostor. I don't want to spoil it because it's a whole lot better than this minific. I didn't quite achieve the same goal with the twist here, so I won't reveal what was really going on here (because it'll also spoil the much better movie). or you can watch this great analysis if you don't care about spoilers. you'll probably figure it out.
in that analysis, I found the way it talks about characters staring directly into the camera lens seem to bring the viewer directly into the story. you don't just sit back and watch, you start connecting dots (maybe without realizing it) because your conclusion matters more. and since I'm fond of 2nd Person Perspective in writing, I wanted to try this out in my own way. One common complaint of 2nd person is "You can't control me, don't tell me what to do or think or feel." I think that's missing the point, but it gave me the idea for setting up this limitation. You're just an observer. You'll see events, and remember details of what happened, but I won't manipulate you into doing anything. However, maybe the character in the story will do the manipulating instead.
I think it kinda worked, readers didn't seem to have a problem with the 2nd Person. Though I was still too ambiguous with the story going on. "Lyra"'s story needed more holes in it. Maybe more interaction with "Twilight" at the end to make it more conclusive. I was running out of time, writing 3 stories within the 3 hours before the deadline, and I had to improvise just enough to make it plausible.
Again, I'm surprised that improvising worked far better than my minifics where I carefully planned out the details to make sure everything fit together. I'm unaware of what I'm even doing right.