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Timely
Fluttershy stood alone in her kitchen. Wan light from the dour, overcast sky filtered through the curtains, casting a pallor over the spartan furnishings of the hollowed-out tree she had been using for shelter these past few months. The lanky filly couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen sunlight - it would have had to have been just before winter.
Right after her parents had disowned her.
She could still hear her father’s voice thundering in her head. “No child of mine will live with those filthy dirt ponies and their conniving unicorn masters!” She shivered as the memory echoed through her.
She had thought she wouldn’t need her parents, that she would be better off with all of her new animal friends below. For the span of a week, she had been happy. Then, winter had begun, and they all had either migrated to warmer climates or hibernated. Abandoned, bereft, Fluttershy had been forced to bear the cold winter alone.
Loneliness eats at a pony, and in her isolation, despair had taken hold. Only grey, empty silence had been her constant companion since winter began.
Today, she finally had enough. A slow trickle of tears extinguished the last feeble embers of hope in her eyes.
With a resigned sigh, Fluttershy took her knife between her teeth and turned her back to the window. The knife was sharp - she had made certain of that. If she was quick and precise, she wouldn’t even feel it, or so she told herself.
She brought her foreleg up and rested it on the dusty table, hoof pointed towards the ceiling. She was trembling. She took a deep breath to steady herself, then carefully leaned in-
*knock knock knock*
Fluttershy let out a squeal as the knife pinwheeled into the air. The blade sank deep into the floor and stuck there, quivering. Fluttershy stared at it, her breath ragged, her mind numb. She raised her foreleg, and saw that there wasn’t even a scratch.
*knock knock knock* A raspy voice accompanied the hoofbeat on her door. “Yo, Fluttershy! You home?”
Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “R-Rainbow Dash?” She hastily dried her eyes on her fetlock, then trotted over to her door and flung it open.
Rainbow Dash hovered a few feet off the ground outside, and gave Fluttershy a bright grin when she saw her. “Hey, what’s up, filly?”
Fluttershy stared up at her, jaw agape. “Rainbow Dash? Wh-what are you doing here?”
“I just got my papers from graduating Flight School, and I’m being transferred to the Ponyville Weather Team!” She beamed. “I’m officially moving here next month, but I figured I’d drop by to get the lay of the land first. You wanna show me around town?”
“Wh-” Fluttershy shuffled back a step back, still staring. “Why me?”
Rainbow Dash blinked at her, then slowly stated, “Uh, because you’re my friend, and I haven’t seen you in a while, duh.” She landed, then looked over her shoulder with a frown. “Also, the welcoming committee in Ponyville is nuts. This crazy pink filly fired a confetti cannon in my face! I’m still shaking bits of paper out of my mane!” She tousled her mane with a hoof, and a few colorful pieces danced their way to the floor.
She looked back at Fluttershy, and took a hasty step back as she saw the tears brimming in her eyes. “Whoa, whoa, what’s wrong?”
Fluttershy sniffed as she gave her a quavering smile, then rubbed at her eyes again. “It’s nothing, I’m just- I’m really happy to see you.”
Rainbow Dash gawked at Fluttershy as she finished her story. “So… if I had actually slept in as late as I’d planned that day…” she trailed off, her voice husky with emotion. The two mares sat across from each other in Fluttershy’s kitchen as bright afternoon sunshine poured through the windows.
Fluttershy nodded as she took a sip of her tea. “It all seems so silly now, considering how wonderful the last few years have been with you and the other girls. But I just thought you should know that, because of you, I’m still here.” She offered her a warm smile. "And I'm grateful."
Rainbow Dash’s chin began to wobble. She flew across the table and tackle-hugged Fluttershy, and held her tight as she cried, “Fluttershy, I don’t ever want you to go anywhere!”
Fluttershy returned her embrace and nuzzled her softly. “Don’t worry, dear. I don’t plan to.”
Right after her parents had disowned her.
She could still hear her father’s voice thundering in her head. “No child of mine will live with those filthy dirt ponies and their conniving unicorn masters!” She shivered as the memory echoed through her.
She had thought she wouldn’t need her parents, that she would be better off with all of her new animal friends below. For the span of a week, she had been happy. Then, winter had begun, and they all had either migrated to warmer climates or hibernated. Abandoned, bereft, Fluttershy had been forced to bear the cold winter alone.
Loneliness eats at a pony, and in her isolation, despair had taken hold. Only grey, empty silence had been her constant companion since winter began.
Today, she finally had enough. A slow trickle of tears extinguished the last feeble embers of hope in her eyes.
With a resigned sigh, Fluttershy took her knife between her teeth and turned her back to the window. The knife was sharp - she had made certain of that. If she was quick and precise, she wouldn’t even feel it, or so she told herself.
She brought her foreleg up and rested it on the dusty table, hoof pointed towards the ceiling. She was trembling. She took a deep breath to steady herself, then carefully leaned in-
*knock knock knock*
Fluttershy let out a squeal as the knife pinwheeled into the air. The blade sank deep into the floor and stuck there, quivering. Fluttershy stared at it, her breath ragged, her mind numb. She raised her foreleg, and saw that there wasn’t even a scratch.
*knock knock knock* A raspy voice accompanied the hoofbeat on her door. “Yo, Fluttershy! You home?”
Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “R-Rainbow Dash?” She hastily dried her eyes on her fetlock, then trotted over to her door and flung it open.
Rainbow Dash hovered a few feet off the ground outside, and gave Fluttershy a bright grin when she saw her. “Hey, what’s up, filly?”
Fluttershy stared up at her, jaw agape. “Rainbow Dash? Wh-what are you doing here?”
“I just got my papers from graduating Flight School, and I’m being transferred to the Ponyville Weather Team!” She beamed. “I’m officially moving here next month, but I figured I’d drop by to get the lay of the land first. You wanna show me around town?”
“Wh-” Fluttershy shuffled back a step back, still staring. “Why me?”
Rainbow Dash blinked at her, then slowly stated, “Uh, because you’re my friend, and I haven’t seen you in a while, duh.” She landed, then looked over her shoulder with a frown. “Also, the welcoming committee in Ponyville is nuts. This crazy pink filly fired a confetti cannon in my face! I’m still shaking bits of paper out of my mane!” She tousled her mane with a hoof, and a few colorful pieces danced their way to the floor.
She looked back at Fluttershy, and took a hasty step back as she saw the tears brimming in her eyes. “Whoa, whoa, what’s wrong?”
Fluttershy sniffed as she gave her a quavering smile, then rubbed at her eyes again. “It’s nothing, I’m just- I’m really happy to see you.”
Rainbow Dash gawked at Fluttershy as she finished her story. “So… if I had actually slept in as late as I’d planned that day…” she trailed off, her voice husky with emotion. The two mares sat across from each other in Fluttershy’s kitchen as bright afternoon sunshine poured through the windows.
Fluttershy nodded as she took a sip of her tea. “It all seems so silly now, considering how wonderful the last few years have been with you and the other girls. But I just thought you should know that, because of you, I’m still here.” She offered her a warm smile. "And I'm grateful."
Rainbow Dash’s chin began to wobble. She flew across the table and tackle-hugged Fluttershy, and held her tight as she cried, “Fluttershy, I don’t ever want you to go anywhere!”
Fluttershy returned her embrace and nuzzled her softly. “Don’t worry, dear. I don’t plan to.”
Did this story just imply that Fluttershy's father thinks unicorns are slave owners to earth ponies?
Whoa. O_o
Few gripes. The *knock knock knock* bits are distracting since they aren't separated from the mane points of dialogue/exposition. Also, I think the beginning of this could've benefited with a slight expansion, considering it's trying to set Fluttershy's depression and I'm sitting here not feeling anything other than shock at her behavior. This definitely would be better if it was a short story around 4k-6k words.
Oh, and this line:
"'Fluttershy, I don’t ever want you to go anywhere!'"
Rainbow Dash really sounds controlling here. Yikes. I understand that Fluttershy is suicidal but that doesn't mean that she needs to be under house arrest.
Lastly, is this also implied that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are shipped at the end? Or is Fluttershy now Rarity and she says dear?
Hmm...
Needs Work.
Whoa. O_o
Few gripes. The *knock knock knock* bits are distracting since they aren't separated from the mane points of dialogue/exposition. Also, I think the beginning of this could've benefited with a slight expansion, considering it's trying to set Fluttershy's depression and I'm sitting here not feeling anything other than shock at her behavior. This definitely would be better if it was a short story around 4k-6k words.
Oh, and this line:
"'Fluttershy, I don’t ever want you to go anywhere!'"
Rainbow Dash really sounds controlling here. Yikes. I understand that Fluttershy is suicidal but that doesn't mean that she needs to be under house arrest.
Lastly, is this also implied that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are shipped at the end? Or is Fluttershy now Rarity and she says dear?
Hmm...
Needs Work.
Work has been insane today, and I need to relax with some pony stories, so I found myself back here. Augh, I can't even go cold turkey on the Writeoffs properly. :(
So: There are two stories left that only have 1 review (n.b.: since "reviews" include crosstalk posted to the story's thread, it's going to be awkward trying to keep count of the number of unique people offering feedback). This is one of them, so I might as well start here and offer some thoughts.
Timely
Suicide is always a tough subject to approach sensitively and compellingly, but I think this one connects anyhow. To its credit, it's not trying to preach a treacly moral (or, worse, glorify the act); the framing of Fluttershy's accidental salvation stakes out more challenging territory with no easy answers, and I appreciate that it stops there, turning this into a statement on the little twists of fate upon which lives turn.
I don't know that it feels complete to me, but what I just described isn't why. I think, instead, that might go to the tight word limit, which doesn't allow you the luxury of establishing the main character's depression deeply enough to let us really connect. The whole thing feels kind of pro forma until Dash's arrival, at which point it's able to start treading off the beaten path. Though, come to think of it, I'm not certain that spending more words establishing Fluttershy's misery is the right answer here. It would allow us to empathize with her, yes, but it would also make it take much longer to get to the part that actually engaged me. It might be worth considering starting this story in medias res with Dash's arrival, skipping the exposition entirely or working it in around the edges, and really laser-focusing on the fallout of that and expanding the later scene. Maybe even work something in about what the world would have lost without her? I don't know, that might step over the line of moralizing. It worked for "It's A Wonderful Life," but those are big shoes to fill.
Tier: (high) Almost There
So: There are two stories left that only have 1 review (n.b.: since "reviews" include crosstalk posted to the story's thread, it's going to be awkward trying to keep count of the number of unique people offering feedback). This is one of them, so I might as well start here and offer some thoughts.
Timely
Suicide is always a tough subject to approach sensitively and compellingly, but I think this one connects anyhow. To its credit, it's not trying to preach a treacly moral (or, worse, glorify the act); the framing of Fluttershy's accidental salvation stakes out more challenging territory with no easy answers, and I appreciate that it stops there, turning this into a statement on the little twists of fate upon which lives turn.
I don't know that it feels complete to me, but what I just described isn't why. I think, instead, that might go to the tight word limit, which doesn't allow you the luxury of establishing the main character's depression deeply enough to let us really connect. The whole thing feels kind of pro forma until Dash's arrival, at which point it's able to start treading off the beaten path. Though, come to think of it, I'm not certain that spending more words establishing Fluttershy's misery is the right answer here. It would allow us to empathize with her, yes, but it would also make it take much longer to get to the part that actually engaged me. It might be worth considering starting this story in medias res with Dash's arrival, skipping the exposition entirely or working it in around the edges, and really laser-focusing on the fallout of that and expanding the later scene. Maybe even work something in about what the world would have lost without her? I don't know, that might step over the line of moralizing. It worked for "It's A Wonderful Life," but those are big shoes to fill.
Tier: (high) Almost There
I think you need a little more introspection from Fluttershy to make this story feel complete. There isn't much justification for how she's grown past her depression other than "friends", and I think there should be. Make the window to her struggle a bit larger.
so far this fic has the smallest share of comments.
I like the opening of this story. first few paragraphs do a nicely balanced job of telling me the who where when why.
but when it gets to the main slice of the story, it's hrmm... I understand why, but I'm not really feeling it. to be honest, it feels kinda generic to me. the writing is great, nice descriptions and pacing, and I like the overall message. but I'm not connecting with the emotional core of the story.
the epilogue is okay, but I feel like it's redundant. take it away, and the story still has its "silver lining" happy ending
minor nitpicks: was it really about timing? it's lucky Rainbow Dash happened to be in town in the first place, and knew where to find Fluttershy. she's not living in Ponyville yet; she was apparently there only to take care of business, not exactly a casual day for oversleeping. it's a little confusing, but not a big deal. just some stuff you might want to flesh out if you revise this.
I like the opening of this story. first few paragraphs do a nicely balanced job of telling me the who where when why.
but when it gets to the main slice of the story, it's hrmm... I understand why, but I'm not really feeling it. to be honest, it feels kinda generic to me. the writing is great, nice descriptions and pacing, and I like the overall message. but I'm not connecting with the emotional core of the story.
the epilogue is okay, but I feel like it's redundant. take it away, and the story still has its "silver lining" happy ending
minor nitpicks: was it really about timing? it's lucky Rainbow Dash happened to be in town in the first place, and knew where to find Fluttershy. she's not living in Ponyville yet; she was apparently there only to take care of business, not exactly a casual day for oversleeping. it's a little confusing, but not a big deal. just some stuff you might want to flesh out if you revise this.
D'aww. Author, don't listen to these people who want you to take one thing or another out; this beauty is just fine the way it is. There's a believable buildup to Fluttershy's decision, and then we get a wonderfully in-character Rainbow who blunders into saving the day as only Rainbow could. And even better, it's an honest-to-goodness complete story with a beginning, middle, and end. High marks!
Quibbles:
It's not clear enough how Flutters is trying to Use Knife on Kitchen Table. Is she going for a thrust or a slice? It only matters because the rest of the descriptions are clearer.
"Dear" is an odd choice without any supporting context.
Quibbles:
It's not clear enough how Flutters is trying to Use Knife on Kitchen Table. Is she going for a thrust or a slice? It only matters because the rest of the descriptions are clearer.
"Dear" is an odd choice without any supporting context.
I did like the language in this one, and, although the last outburst was a bit uncharacteristic, Rainbow Dash is well written, too.
What I don't buy is:
A. Fluttershy living self-reliantly enough (in winter, of all seasons) to avoid Ponyville folk to an extent that turns her into some sort of lonely hermit.
B. Fluttershy turning suicidal in this situation.
A: Why do animals hibernate? Because there's no food. What do ponies need? Right, food. Either Fluttershy's got a big stash (hard to do in one week), or she gets stuff from Ponyville. As soon as she steps hoof into Ponyville, Pinkie's gonna be in her face. Chances of loneliness = 0.
B: Suicide is a tough subject indeed, and I can't say I talk from first-hand experience, but all I've ever heard points to it being the final stage of mental illness. A case of "disowned by parents" and animal friends go to sleep for maybe 4 months doesn't seem sufficient for me to lead to a full blown depression.
Then again, I'm remarkably not-depressed and non-suicidal, so maybe I'm talking horseshit.
What I don't buy is:
A. Fluttershy living self-reliantly enough (in winter, of all seasons) to avoid Ponyville folk to an extent that turns her into some sort of lonely hermit.
B. Fluttershy turning suicidal in this situation.
A: Why do animals hibernate? Because there's no food. What do ponies need? Right, food. Either Fluttershy's got a big stash (hard to do in one week), or she gets stuff from Ponyville. As soon as she steps hoof into Ponyville, Pinkie's gonna be in her face. Chances of loneliness = 0.
B: Suicide is a tough subject indeed, and I can't say I talk from first-hand experience, but all I've ever heard points to it being the final stage of mental illness. A case of "disowned by parents" and animal friends go to sleep for maybe 4 months doesn't seem sufficient for me to lead to a full blown depression.
Then again, I'm remarkably not-depressed and non-suicidal, so maybe I'm talking horseshit.
Fluttershy’s suicide is prevented by an accidental interruption by Rainbow Dash.
I think the word “eh” applies here. Her decision to kill herself wasn’t given enough space to really work into the reader, didn’t really have enough punch – it was just kind of a bit generic-feeling, and didn’t really end up touching me or feeling like it made good use of Fluttershy’s character. The end was obviously a glurgy feel-good thing, but really, I don’t think it made the story any stronger for it; I think it would have been better if Rainbow Dash had unwittingly said something about how she was glad she caught Fluttershy while she was still there or something, with some unintentional ironic double-meaning.
But really, I think the biggest thing this needs is to bring us low for Fluttershy’s despair here; without proper buildup, it just feels like Fluttershy was made to attempt suicide for drama.
I think the word “eh” applies here. Her decision to kill herself wasn’t given enough space to really work into the reader, didn’t really have enough punch – it was just kind of a bit generic-feeling, and didn’t really end up touching me or feeling like it made good use of Fluttershy’s character. The end was obviously a glurgy feel-good thing, but really, I don’t think it made the story any stronger for it; I think it would have been better if Rainbow Dash had unwittingly said something about how she was glad she caught Fluttershy while she was still there or something, with some unintentional ironic double-meaning.
But really, I think the biggest thing this needs is to bring us low for Fluttershy’s despair here; without proper buildup, it just feels like Fluttershy was made to attempt suicide for drama.
A lollipop moment story, which is nice. People need to learn more about lollipop moments.
Right, then!
Retrospective
I wrote Timely, a story I was more worried about prior to submission than any other I've written thus far. I had several concerns, but there were two chief among them:
a) I was sickened by the fear that some might consider Fluttershy's suicide attempt to be somehow callously disregarding people's real struggles with their own depression.
b) This story is, at its heart, autobiographical, and I was worried that I had damaged my ability to read/edit the text with a measure of objectivity because of it.
Everypony's reviews and feedback did a great deal to alleviate my fear of a) (while Fluttershy's descent into despair certainly needs more room to breath, her arc seems to have been received in the spirit it was intended), but it's clear there was some truth to b). The epilogue, for me, was just as important a scene as Rainbow Dash's unintentional intercession, and from a story standpoint, it's not. Just because that's how my particular story played out, that doesn't mean this fic is served well by its inclusion.
All of you gave really helpful feedback, and I'd like to address each of you in turn.
>>Soaring The *knock knock knock* was another concern of mine. I didn't want to have it be "Suddenly, there was a knock at the door," becauseugh, cliche I didn't feel it would have the same sort of impact. Even keeping the line break and starting with "She was interrupted by a knock at the door" still feels... passive, somehow. You say they're distracting because they aren't separated from the dialogue/exposition; would moving the line that starts with "A raspy voice" down a paragraph help to differentiate things? I'm aware it's a little clunky, I'd like to know how that specific section could be improved while maintaining the effect I'm going for.
Also, the line, "Fluttershy, I don't ever want you to go anywhere!" is the most egregious example of my objectivity failing me. It's a direct quote from my own personal story, and while I do think it's a good line in context (Fluttershy having just implied that she could easily have been elsewhere, i.e. not here), it could easily have been better. It's on the list of things to reassess.
Since you were the first to provide your thoughts, thanks for your timely (hue) feedback!
>>horizon Thank you for giving me the reassurance I was so desperately hoping for that I had indeed treated this subject with the respect it deserved, and apologies for being the story that broke your commitment to abstention this time around. ^_^
You presented an interesting alternate direction to take the story, and starting in medias res with Rainbow Dash off the bat would certainly cut right to the chase (I agree, starting with that interaction is more interesting than watching somepony slowly self-destruct). My concern is that this would make Fluttershy's actions even more abrupt, and would require me to retroactively construct the justification I'd need to prevent readers from souring on the narrative. It feels like I would be writing on the defensive, rather than having carefully constructed an expectation trap and springing it on the reader.
That's likely just me being timid, though - it's scary treading off the beaten path. Maybe I could try to be more subtle about the events as I reveal them to the reader, as Fluttershy tries to deflect Rainbow Dash's inquiries as to why she was crying? It'd require a pretty major overhaul, but it might be worth it. You've given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for your feedback, and the particularly encouraging final verdict!
>>Trick_Question I whole-heartedly agree - I re-wrote a lot of the middle of this story several times, trying to finely balance Fluttershy's time alone against her interaction with Rainbow Dash, and the epilogue suffered from the comparative lack of attention. There will be a great deal more juxtaposition between the beginning and end once I polish this up for publication, and I'll be adding a thread that focuses on Fluttershy's sense of self-worth.
I really appreciate you adding your thoughts (and I'm impressed by your efforts this time around, go you)!
>>Haze Again, this is my lack of objectivity surfacing - I agree that, as-written, the epilogue doesn't add much to the story. When I punch it up for publication, I'll need to justify its existence more than I currently have.
The title was honestly one of the primary sticking points for me. The working title for this fic was "Confession", which I think would have simultaneously tipped my hand too early and been criminally misleading with the contents of the story. From the time the story was more or less finished up until an hour before submissions were due the title was "I Don't Plan To", a horrific title drop that I hated. "Timely" was the best I could come up with under duress. I'm still not fond of it, but it's better than what I had.
I did notice that my story was consistently in the bottom tier of stories with regards to amount of feedback this time around, so thank you for taking the time to help me out!
>>CoffeeMinion Aw, cheers yo. I feel the love. :twilightsmile: I am pretty pleased with how I presented Rainbow Dash - she is my favorite, after all - and I'm glad you enjoyed her portrayal as well.
I deliberately obfuscated what precisely Fluttershy was about to do, for two reasons. First, I didn't want to accidentally teach somepony how to, um, properly execute the technique, and second, any words I spent hammering the point home(goddesses, I'm terrible) were words I felt I could better use elsewhere.
"Dear" was one of those moments that had me cursing softly, head in hands, as a trio of witches cackled faintly in the distance. Its inclusion is a symptom of the same disease that plagued "Thrice" in the previous contest; it sounded good when I wrote it, and then I never actually read it again. Fluttershy will use Rainbow's name in the finished fic.
As with TQ, I'm impressed with your efforts to read and review every fic in the competition. Thank you for taking the time to craft a solid set of thoughts for my story!
>>wYvern You brought up a couple of excellent points, foremost among them being that Pinkie Pie's inclusion breaks the story. I did find it galling that I had to ignore the logistics of Fluttershy's situation, but I couldn't devote the necessary words to avoid making it feel as though I was handwaving them away and still keep the other key story elements. When I re-write it, there will be some time devoted to showing how Fluttershy's poor self-esteem causes her to react negatively to friendly advances from Ponyville's townsfolk when she's forced to go into town for supplies. But in order for any of that to work, Pinkie Pie can't be there.
Thank you for calling that to my attention - I don't think I would have caught it otherwise. I really appreciate your feedback!
>>TitaniumDragon The universe is powered by irony, and I like your idea to include some of it in Rainbow Dash's dialogue - it would certainly fit her character. And you're right about my not using Fluttershy's character as well as I could have; I have Plans for that now.
Your final note, if you'll pardon the expression, cut pretty deep, as that was precisely what I wanted to avoid. I shall redouble my efforts during the re-write.
Thank you for sharing your feedback!
>>Morning Sun I had to Google what a "lollipop moment" was, and I'm glad I did. I'm happy to know there's someone else out there spreading the same message I wrote this story to convey. Thank you for bringing him to my attention!
This dovetails nicely with how I wanted to wrap things up. I don't want to descend into the sort of saccharine moralizing that horizon praised me for avoiding in the story proper, so I'll simply reiterate that this is a true story. I took some creative liberties - my version of the story wasn't quite so down to the wire - but I think it's important to remind people that you don't need to go out of your way to have an impact.
It's funny, actually - I only just now realized whose story it was when I looked it up - but it's fitting that the comment I left on Morning Sun's story, "As You Wish", references Songbird (>>Icenrose).
She's the one who saved my life. I was kinda startled to see her name again, considering.
Much love, everypony.
Final Thought: Make Sure Your Personal Rainbow Dash Knows She's Awesome
Retrospective
I wrote Timely, a story I was more worried about prior to submission than any other I've written thus far. I had several concerns, but there were two chief among them:
a) I was sickened by the fear that some might consider Fluttershy's suicide attempt to be somehow callously disregarding people's real struggles with their own depression.
b) This story is, at its heart, autobiographical, and I was worried that I had damaged my ability to read/edit the text with a measure of objectivity because of it.
Everypony's reviews and feedback did a great deal to alleviate my fear of a) (while Fluttershy's descent into despair certainly needs more room to breath, her arc seems to have been received in the spirit it was intended), but it's clear there was some truth to b). The epilogue, for me, was just as important a scene as Rainbow Dash's unintentional intercession, and from a story standpoint, it's not. Just because that's how my particular story played out, that doesn't mean this fic is served well by its inclusion.
All of you gave really helpful feedback, and I'd like to address each of you in turn.
>>Soaring The *knock knock knock* was another concern of mine. I didn't want to have it be "Suddenly, there was a knock at the door," because
Also, the line, "Fluttershy, I don't ever want you to go anywhere!" is the most egregious example of my objectivity failing me. It's a direct quote from my own personal story, and while I do think it's a good line in context (Fluttershy having just implied that she could easily have been elsewhere, i.e. not here), it could easily have been better. It's on the list of things to reassess.
Since you were the first to provide your thoughts, thanks for your timely (hue) feedback!
>>horizon Thank you for giving me the reassurance I was so desperately hoping for that I had indeed treated this subject with the respect it deserved, and apologies for being the story that broke your commitment to abstention this time around. ^_^
You presented an interesting alternate direction to take the story, and starting in medias res with Rainbow Dash off the bat would certainly cut right to the chase (I agree, starting with that interaction is more interesting than watching somepony slowly self-destruct). My concern is that this would make Fluttershy's actions even more abrupt, and would require me to retroactively construct the justification I'd need to prevent readers from souring on the narrative. It feels like I would be writing on the defensive, rather than having carefully constructed an expectation trap and springing it on the reader.
That's likely just me being timid, though - it's scary treading off the beaten path. Maybe I could try to be more subtle about the events as I reveal them to the reader, as Fluttershy tries to deflect Rainbow Dash's inquiries as to why she was crying? It'd require a pretty major overhaul, but it might be worth it. You've given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for your feedback, and the particularly encouraging final verdict!
>>Trick_Question I whole-heartedly agree - I re-wrote a lot of the middle of this story several times, trying to finely balance Fluttershy's time alone against her interaction with Rainbow Dash, and the epilogue suffered from the comparative lack of attention. There will be a great deal more juxtaposition between the beginning and end once I polish this up for publication, and I'll be adding a thread that focuses on Fluttershy's sense of self-worth.
I really appreciate you adding your thoughts (and I'm impressed by your efforts this time around, go you)!
>>Haze Again, this is my lack of objectivity surfacing - I agree that, as-written, the epilogue doesn't add much to the story. When I punch it up for publication, I'll need to justify its existence more than I currently have.
The title was honestly one of the primary sticking points for me. The working title for this fic was "Confession", which I think would have simultaneously tipped my hand too early and been criminally misleading with the contents of the story. From the time the story was more or less finished up until an hour before submissions were due the title was "I Don't Plan To", a horrific title drop that I hated. "Timely" was the best I could come up with under duress. I'm still not fond of it, but it's better than what I had.
I did notice that my story was consistently in the bottom tier of stories with regards to amount of feedback this time around, so thank you for taking the time to help me out!
>>CoffeeMinion Aw, cheers yo. I feel the love. :twilightsmile: I am pretty pleased with how I presented Rainbow Dash - she is my favorite, after all - and I'm glad you enjoyed her portrayal as well.
I deliberately obfuscated what precisely Fluttershy was about to do, for two reasons. First, I didn't want to accidentally teach somepony how to, um, properly execute the technique, and second, any words I spent hammering the point home
"Dear" was one of those moments that had me cursing softly, head in hands, as a trio of witches cackled faintly in the distance. Its inclusion is a symptom of the same disease that plagued "Thrice" in the previous contest; it sounded good when I wrote it, and then I never actually read it again. Fluttershy will use Rainbow's name in the finished fic.
As with TQ, I'm impressed with your efforts to read and review every fic in the competition. Thank you for taking the time to craft a solid set of thoughts for my story!
>>wYvern You brought up a couple of excellent points, foremost among them being that Pinkie Pie's inclusion breaks the story. I did find it galling that I had to ignore the logistics of Fluttershy's situation, but I couldn't devote the necessary words to avoid making it feel as though I was handwaving them away and still keep the other key story elements. When I re-write it, there will be some time devoted to showing how Fluttershy's poor self-esteem causes her to react negatively to friendly advances from Ponyville's townsfolk when she's forced to go into town for supplies. But in order for any of that to work, Pinkie Pie can't be there.
Thank you for calling that to my attention - I don't think I would have caught it otherwise. I really appreciate your feedback!
>>TitaniumDragon The universe is powered by irony, and I like your idea to include some of it in Rainbow Dash's dialogue - it would certainly fit her character. And you're right about my not using Fluttershy's character as well as I could have; I have Plans for that now.
Your final note, if you'll pardon the expression, cut pretty deep, as that was precisely what I wanted to avoid. I shall redouble my efforts during the re-write.
Thank you for sharing your feedback!
>>Morning Sun I had to Google what a "lollipop moment" was, and I'm glad I did. I'm happy to know there's someone else out there spreading the same message I wrote this story to convey. Thank you for bringing him to my attention!
This dovetails nicely with how I wanted to wrap things up. I don't want to descend into the sort of saccharine moralizing that horizon praised me for avoiding in the story proper, so I'll simply reiterate that this is a true story. I took some creative liberties - my version of the story wasn't quite so down to the wire - but I think it's important to remind people that you don't need to go out of your way to have an impact.
It's funny, actually - I only just now realized whose story it was when I looked it up - but it's fitting that the comment I left on Morning Sun's story, "As You Wish", references Songbird (>>Icenrose).
She's the one who saved my life. I was kinda startled to see her name again, considering.
Much love, everypony.
Final Thought: Make Sure Your Personal Rainbow Dash Knows She's Awesome