Victory as of about 35 minutes ago.

Idea one was awesome.

It also took me 2 hours to do 300 words.

Idea 2 was 'Screw this, lets stream of consciousness something' and - well, I don't ever expect to win a Writeoff but, y'know, I think it's passable.

So, it’s definitely in, and definitely competing for the last spot.

Sorry Horizon, won’t make it to the finals this time. No dice. :/

In with a whole ten minutes to spare!

I can't fix the ending probably, but I can give it an edit pass! :D

Oh god it’s 1:13am.

Anyway, mine’s in as of half an hour ago. I edited a few bits here and there and did some basic proofreading in the time left.

>>Monokeras Considering that I’m entering for the first time ever, I’d say I’m competing for that as well.

Oh, right, the crack-mending method from that one story about Starlight Glimmer learning how to cast glue magic. This should be interesting.

The confetti jokes are far funnier than they have any right to be.

A great story showing Pinkie at her best. Simple, but effective. The only negative thing I can say is that some of the cameos felt a little tacked on. Thank you for this. I get the feeling I’m going to need some positivity with other stories this time around.

>>Chryssi
Welcome to a bigger world Chrissy! Now put on your armour, you will need it! :P

>>FanOfMostEverything
I can't believe you already read one. You’re a Stakhanovite! :)

"Fluttershy," said Discord quietly, his jaw clenched with irritation. "Tell it to stop making Rarity noises.“

I’ve often wanted to see Discord and Zephyr interact. This is everything I’d hoped would come from that in a few sentences.
… And then it got better.

I love the OCs’ characterization. Je T’aime and Strong Arm are both bursting with personality.

She reached over the table to retrieve Zephyr's forgotten cup – it was still half-full.

This is such a beautifully subtle indicator of hope that I feel bad about pointing it out as such.

This was exquisite from start to finish. Excellent balance of comedy and tension, pitch-perfect characterization all around, and the ending… Well, I’ll say no more, but I loved it. I didn’t think I’d win this one, but now I know I won’t.

Huh. More Zephyr Breeze. Didn’t expect him to show up so much this month.

“Again.” Implying Twilight tried to get a cutie mark in swordsponyship. There’s a story there.

Certainly an entertaining take on the “alternate Bearers” subgenre. Though the title does spoil things. I definitely would’ve made use of how Magic only appeared during the pivotal moment, though. Have the team of five super-confident… up until either Maud or Nightmare Moon points out how there are actually six Elements.

Still, quite entertaining.

Here's a little summary for those of you whose reactions were/will be "too Joycean; didn't read": Pinkie gets eaten by a Hydra during a big fight and dies, goes to Hades (again) and throws a short party for everything that's waiting to cross the Styx, and then returns to find all of Ponyville holding a wake for her so she returns to her body and wakes up.

Author, my first reading suggests that I'm going to like this at least a little, but it's going to take me a little while to dig through it all and discover all the little secrets you've hidden in those portmanteaus. Whether I end up liking it a lot remains to be seen, but for what it's worth I think this has some pretty great moments already. Expect a more detailed comment from me when I've had time to reflect on this (in the next few days, most likely.)

Very nice:

With the writing, the only thing I'll ask, author, is that you take a look at the first two paragraphs and rewrite all the "as" clauses. 'Cause right now, there's one in every sentence.

As for the story--he said using an "as" clause--I'd like to comment, but could someone please tell me how to make the big black "spoiler" bars appear over the text here? This is a murder mystery, and I don't wanna give anything away...

Thanks!
Mike

Does it work?
Just use [ spoiler ] and [ /spoiler ]

Very nice touch with Twilight briefly forgetting to include herself in the alicorn census. Entirely understandable given her current frame of mind.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Pinkie Pie is wiser than any alicorn. She’d have known what would’ve come of this prank. Lovely tribute to the incredible force of will and power that is Twilight Sparkle. Though I should not that the last part isn’t an ending so much as it is a beginning.

Well, this is already a lot less dark than I thought it might be. Starlight’s left a nasty pallor over this concept.

Decent Zecora dialogue. Not flawless, but better than many attempts I’ve seen over the years.

In all, a well-crafted mystery. The clues are there when you know what to look for. The supernatural element adds a nice excitement to the mix, but it’s the genuine emotion where this shines. Great work.

That title immediately sends warning signals. These need to be self-contained stories. The warning only confirms it. Still, let’s see what we have here…

… and Twilight’s cursing on the second line. I get that it’s an alternate universe, but this still doesn’t give me a positive impression.

Seriously, you are giving me no reason to like any of these characters.

“And they’re usually GOOD because I work at the local bakery!”

“Well I… work at the Fruity’s. It’s a…” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “…brothel,”

So, was she just lying, or is this a hybrid business in the spirit of Quills and Sofas?

Yeah, long story short, this does not impress. The characters are irritating, the reasons behind the royal sisters’ falling out are trivialized to the point of farce, the changes to established characters are bizarre and nonsensical… Sorry, but this one just isn’t up my alley. Though I do like the gag with Luna's incredibly well-timed notes.

Oh boy. Well, I knew I’d run into genuine darkness eventually…

Okay, that was legitimately fascinating. We’re getting some really interesting story concepts out of this prompt. Though I do have to wonder about Twilight apparently dying. Guess she wasn’t immortal after all. I’d love to see where this goes, but even what we got was fun… though it does feel odd that none of the Bearers noticed that they were brown. In all, quite well done.

Well, I guess I'd make better use of my time by reviewing some stuff instead of beating myself up over missing the deadline. I'm rather new at this whole "reviewing" business though, so maybe take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

That said, I've already mentioned in one of my FimFiction blogs that I'm correcting last semester's mistake by being a student first and brony second. The amount of time I'll be able to dedicate to Writeoff is entirely dependent on how merciful my professors are (or more likely, aren't).

Genre: Character redemption / slice of life

Thoughts: The story didn't really start for me until Sunset got jumped. Everything before that moment just felt like glue to help attach this to the end of Rainbow Rocks. Although I see how it does a little to establish the emotional stakes of this story.

But I think that's ultimately the thing that's missing here: what are the real physical stakes of what's going on? It's hinted at in the beginning that the Dazzlings are at risk, but there isn't a clear connection between their attempt at making friends, and their expressed need to get a job. There was also some perspective weirdness toward the end; it seemed like Aria was consistently our perspective character for most of this, but the perspective seemed to jump around once all the characters got together.

I haven't been overtly positive thus far, but I should be, because there are good things here. The story deserves credit for getting the character voices down well, and for making the interactions between them feel accurate to the show, as well as being heartwarming. I could actually see this as a canon interaction for the most part.

Tier: Needs Work

Oriole pondered that for a moment, and then frowned. “It occurs to me that our problems might compound each others. If I am always avoiding stallions, and you are my friend, then you’ll have to avoid stallions too, won’t you? Then you’ll never find your prince.”

“Oh, posh.” Rarity waved a hoof.

*tilts head*

I made the ugliest, snoritest, guffaw-iest laughter noises as I read this story; it's just start-to-finish a towering construct of chemistry and amusing dialogue and characterization. All the casual innuendo and homoeroticism (no matter what jokes I tried to think of about the scene between Pokey and Thunderlane, I couldn't possibly top anything that actually appeared in the story)? S'damn good.

The ending feels a little rushed, a little pat, and there's some inconsistency in how Oriole's treated by the town, I think. She's alternately looked at with trepidation, and accepted without comment or question. It didn't quite take me out of the story, but it was a little odd that the town's reactions to her seemed to fluctuate.

Also, why do Aloe and Lotus keep an orbital waxer at the spa...?

No, but overall, this is great. Great comedy, lots of laughs.

Oh yes, further spoilers for Remembrance of Earth's Past below:

One nitpick : IMO you should have Twilight interpret the message in a paraphrased form; she has pictograms to go from after all, from what I see. And paraphrasing it would let you put a pony spin on it.

Discord being a 10th dimensional entity prior to earlier Dark Forest attacks is an interesting idea - though that does make me wonder; story seems to imply he escaped multi-dimensional collapse but that Equestria may be a recreation of his civilization on a 3 dimensional scale. Would that be correct?

At any rate, turning Equestria into some sort of reverse uber-sophon is certainly interesting. I think this is a decent story, but does require knowledge of Death's End to really understand - you never call out what the Dark Forest is so a reader unfamiliar with the parent work is going to be lost.

Lastly, there's the matter of the Stranger - I presume it's another higher dimensional entity that escapes dimensional collapse into a pocket universe as Discord did. It's an interesting enough idea, although you could arguably posit that once the collapse hits a certain point Discord could retreat to pocket-Equestria and wait. Potentially, if done right, he could do that with everypony, though really at that point if he's leaving them frozen but alive in 3D space - well, I suppose the prime universe had to undergo 2d collapse so that wouldn't quite work, and so then you get into the Star Trek transporter problem of 'Who is real?'

In the end, well - like Remembrance itself, it unsettles, but that is mostly because I fear the universe may well use Dark Forest cosmology; I can only hope that it doesn't because it bodes ill for all life, and ultimately I look at it as something of a weak prisoner's dilemma; sure, you win in one scenario, but the universe is an infinitely iterated dilemma and on an infinite scale, Dark Forest is bad for everyone.

Thanks, >>Monokeras:

You're just answering all my questions today! :)

The only suggestion I'll make in the denoument is to give Celestia either a couple lines talking about how this isn't the first time she's felt the need to do this--or maybe have Twilight realize that Celestia's probably done this before but she decides not to ask about it--or give her a couple lines about how it is the first time she's been forced to take extreme measures like this. Because it's either one or the other, and it could make for a good moment to address the issue.

Mike Again

I wasn't expecting a lesson on the frickin' dynamics of flight when I loaded up my queue, and I resent the author of this story for making me learn stuff. Jerk.

A good action piece. The race sequences are all very well done, and the chemistry between the characters kept my interest in between. My main criticisms are the shift in perspective midway through, which, aside from feeling ill-timed, gave away Big McIntosh's history with Spitfire far too early, and made the reveal feel like a formality rather than a twist.

I also felt like the ending was both redundant and a downer. Leaving Dashie beaten, but full of resolve to continue, that's great. Leaving her crying and broken while eating apple fritters, aside from making the whole story and all her development feel like an exercise in shaggy dog-ism, is just fucking depressing. Not to mention the mental image is a bit comical. And the message that Dashie needs to continue exercising, practicing, and training in order to match Spitfire, was already hammered home perfectly by the previous scene.

But I give this an enthusiastic pass overall.

I kept expecting this to turn into horror at the end; that it was going to reveal the tunnel had been carved in such a way she could loop and loop and loop endlessly with no way out.

That, or, you know 'This hole was made for me!' horror.

Glad to see it didn't. The tension through the journey was high quality; the fact I was worried it was going dark was a good sign.

The ending is the weakest; perhaps it was a case of running out of time, but there is also this tension, then she turns around, goes back, and things fizzle out. I'd suggest finding a stronger ending to this to bring it to the next level.

Tier : Almost there.

Author: you did a great job of building tension, and the writing is competent and well handled with interesting details. (I laughed aloud at Random Walk).

And just when my scrollbar told me the story was coming to a close and I was expecting something tragically ironic to happen to Daring, instead you defuse the tension and deflect the questions, and I am left feeling that this is a longer story undone by lack of time.

I cannot give this story top marks in this round, but this is a very good start and I want to see how you finish it.

Of all truths that Rainbow Dash knew, all of them were that she was fastest pony alive.

Author, I don’t think you really mean what this seems to be saying.

I find on the whole that this piece is well presented and paced and the central “say what?” factor is plausibly handled. As Posh mentions, I think the ending was a bit blunted, perhaps by time pressure. I hope you will expand it and finish it off in a more satisfying way. And I even dare to hope that you will include a scene or a sequel where Twilight bestows her flight spell upon Mac. The thought of him darting around with beautiful butterfly wings fills my imagination with a kind of complacent glee.

>>Baal Bunny
My pleasure Mike.
Old timers must stick together.

Okay, lemme see:

Slow cooking Romance: Check.
Time Travel: Check.
Wacky Hijinks: Check.
Misunderstandings that lead to potentially fatal results: Check

Yeah, this is tailor made for me. Excellent work, author. While some of the negative aspects can be chalked off to the time and length constraints, you still managed to deliver an endearing and believeable love story in just under 7k words.

I feel this could be easily be adapted into a longer story where Vinyl and, uh, Nova's interactions are more subdued and we get a more natural progression to the development of their romantic feelings, as well as dwelling on the mystery of Nova's past.

As it stands, I think you did a remarkable job at delivering a solid romance, even if the actual mystery and resolution were a bit rushed over. But rest assured, this is definitely going to be amongst the top stories in my ranking.

Discord at least formed one bond strong enough to force him to practice restraint! [...] End it here, hit the road with Trixie till I find myself a quiet cave somewhere

Sounds as though you have a possible solution there, Glimmyglams.

Anyhoot. This started somewhat slow, but as it went on it grew on my. I love stories that dwell on the inner workings of a character's mind, and this story did just that.

I think you could have gone with a stronger ending, having Starlight have a bigger epiphany about what her future will hold instead of just "Imma leave everything behind, let's see what happens now." I suppose it plays with the theme of uncertainty and regret you have, but I think there's room for improvement.

Either way, kudos. That was an ejoyable read.

With apologies and credit to horizon

Yeah, nice try, horizon. We know it's you. Recycling an old premise and trying to publicly play it off? Pshaw. Welp, you're out of contention. Now the rest of us jagweeds all bump up a step in the rankings.

I do like that word. "Jagweed."

Liked this a lot. I love the perspective; I love how you have an epic time-travel adventure story told from an outsider's point of view. Vinyl feels like a witness, not a participant, in this little time-spanning drama, and that's the story's greatest strength, I think. There's so much going on that's left untold, or unelaborated upon, and while that would usually bother me, it doesn't here, because of how limited Vinyl's understanding of the full scope of the events has to be. It feels like there's more story simmering under the surface, and my curiosity (and slight frustration over being kept in the dark) is the same that Vinyl feels. In short, you do a good job of creating a shared experience between the protagonist and the reader.

And can I just say how much I love the use of the bottle throughout the story? As a symbol, as well as a storytelling device?

Three criticisms, and I'll leave it at that. The first is the frequent scene breaks; they felt unnecessary, especially since so many of the individual scenes seemed to feed right into one another. The scene with Pinkie Pie broke up the story's pacing and felt like it could have been cut to no ill-effect. And there are some exchanges of dialogue that are, frankly, kind of awkward. Like this one.

“Good morning,” he said.

“Is it?”

He looked at the ground. The expression on his face seemed uncertain; maybe a little bit sad. “Did you sleep well?”

She fixed him with a glare. “And what would you know about how I slept last night?”

“Okay,” he said, meeting her eyes. “I deserved that.”

Uh. He wouldn't. That's why he's asking. He's asking because he wouldn't know how you slept, Vinyl. I realize you're blue-balling here, but c'mon. Focus.

Are we still not allowed to say "well-written?"

Well, that went from zero to a hundred in no time.

I am sure there will be several arguments about the validity of certain claims in the story, but I want to focus on just two that stood out to me.

“Are you kidding? Princess, try and think bigger! We can’t stop these things. Nothing can. They might eventually spread beyond the Earth. The entire galaxy could end up destroyed.

No, it wouldn't.

Once the gray goo has consumed all matter on Earth, it would remain contained to our planet because we're suspended in a vacuum. While it can be argued that the effects of changing the density of Earth to that of machines can mess with it's gravitational field, thus wrecking havoc in the moon and if the scenario where it crashes into Earth were to take place, then yes. It ould spell doom for the Moon as well.

But even then, the rest of the solar system would be unaffected.

Now, onto the most egregious mistake in the story.

I was still human on the other side, and there was no time differential this time

Never, ever, ever use differential when you mean difference. “There was a twelve-point differential at halftime.” No. Sorry. There was a twelve-point difference. Differential is a mechanical or mathematical term. Difference and differential are different. In the context of what you wrote, regarding the passage of time in both sides of the mirror and the relation to one another, the correct term to use is difference, not differential.

...

Sorry for being a nitpicky wart, but this really bothered me. Anyway, let's talk about the actual story.

My impression is that you tried to bite more than you could chew with this. Too many things happen too fast to be properly processed and the story suffers as a result. An exploration of the gray goo scenario can lead to a very enthralling tale, but I don't think you reached that point.

The lack of resolution is a big negative too, the story just stops before we even know if Twilight is going to accept Sunset's proposition and try to save more people.

There's a good story buried there, but right now it's not there yet.

Ooh, I like this. Not a story, really, just a whole lot of inner monologue and self-reflection. From a character I'm not even particularly fond of (although Starlight grew on me after Every Little Thing She Does, which is also uses as the basis for this story, if I'm not mistaken). But you nail her voice very, very well, and you make me empathize with her.

Starlight's self-reproach seems a little overplayed at times in the show. I'm not fond of the way the writers just have her infodump her backstory in every single appearance as if the audience is likely to have forgotten who she is between episodes... which, considering how rarely she appears... might be a legitimate worry, come to think of it...

So this story does something important: It contextualizes and explores it, and gives some depth and plausibility to Starlight Glimmer hating and being unable to forgive herself. You've given me a good headcanon to work with, pallie, and I'm grateful.

Too much going on all at once. You start with a pretty low-key scenario that jackknifes hard into an apocalyptic sci-fi scenario which everyone seems largely unfazed by. Twilight goes to tell Celestia, says "NANOMACHINES, SON," and tells her that the world will literally be eaten and all life exterminated in a day. And Celestia's like "Hmm, that's quite a pickle. Well, let's see what we can do about it, hmm?"

Writing something on this scale means stopping to smell the roses from time to time. But you breeze through every single plot point so quickly that there's no time for the reader to really stop and take stock on what's going on. And we never really feel the gravity of the situation because said gravity isn't dealt with to an appropriate extent. And, finally, the story just stops.

I think you bit off more than you could chew with this premise, and I empathize with that. If you could stretch this out across a few more thousand words, you could probably make it work. There's enough good dialogue and character bits in here that I think the idea, and the framework, have potential. But as an entry in the Writeoff, I'm afraid it doesn't work very well. I'm sorry.

“Your Celestia thought my presences was slowing the line down. Something called rubbernecking.”

Why wouldn't Twilight know what "rubbernecking" is?

Great, you've made me feel guilt over all the times I've pulled all-nighters due to some uni assignment.

That is quite an endearing tale you've got there. Your characterisation of sleep was nice, and honestly, who wouldn't fall for Rarity.

The biggest issue the story has is the abundance of typos. Well, not typos, more of auto-correct shenanigans, some of which pulled me out of the story.

"I understand you are executed, darling, but please give me some space to breathe.

"Otherwise I'll make sure that wasn't a typo!"

But I digress. This is a solid tale that could benefit from being expanded, it's a little bit too short for my taste, but it still delivers an enjoyable read.

I think it's safe to say that everyone here has struggled with creator's block at one time or another. So if you were attempting to play to your audience, writing about that is a good start.

I'm also a musician, so that's another level on which this could appeal to me right from the start.

So what do I actually think of it?

The first part does a wonderful job getting us into Vinyl's head. The moment where the clock chime breaks what little concentration she'd managed to build up is one that's easy to identify with; I feel like without other issues in play, that wouldn't have been as disruptive to her workflow as it was, but you did a decent job of showing beforehand that there were some of those other issues. The destruction of the turntable is another spot that shows there's more going on than just creator's block; Vinyl's reaction immediately afterwards reminds me of what I've heard about people who attempt suicide by jumping off buildings ("wait, shit, no, this was a terrible idea and I want to take it back").

The second part, the discussion with Octavia, appeals to me a little less, and I'm not sure how much of that is systemic bias on my part. I guess Vinyl never really learned how to deal with negative critics, but I'd have thought that would have been a skill that came up some time before this. I did appreciate that there was an offer of help made, and more importantly, accepted.

From a technical standpoint, there are a couple of typos and a few odd phrasing choices (including some that I wouldn't generally expect to see from a native anglophone), but not necessarily any that really pulled me out of the fic.

Overall, it could probably do with a bit more polish, but there's some good stuff here.

Somebody here knows how to write comedy.

I'm inclined to agree with >>Posh that the ending is a bit weaker than the rest of the fic. Not the last scene, necessarily, but the one before it. Which, considering that's the scene that most connects the story to the prompt, is probably not really what the author intended, but that's how it felt to me.

That being said, the character interactions are beautiful right from the start, and contribute most of the comedy of the fic. And there's a lot of humor in this one, more than I might have expected with a prompt like this.

"And that's why Pegasi are better than the other tribes!"

Anyway, this was an enjoyable tale, and a solid representation of a creationist myth that I might expect from canon. I'm assuming you were trying to replicate Dragonshy because if you weren't, the story was quite similar. Just saying.

The Introduction was a nice segway into the story, but the bit with Twilight at the end felt fairly unnecessary and killed the mood a bit. It's kind of like you're saying "Oh, and in case you didn't get it, this is Luna! She controls the moon! See those Thee's and Thou's?" It's just not necessary. If you're going to give indicators for the narrator, do it at the beginning (which you don't need to add - I got it the first time through).

Also - Yay, a story that manages to be about the past and Luna, but doesn't mention Nightmare Moon once!

A slightly more literal take on (perceived) darkness than some of the submissions I've seen. You're clearly going for sadness as the primary intended reaction.

It's unclear what exactly happened at the beginning of the fic, and to an extent, it's irrelevant quite what went wrong. What is more relevant, and also poorly explained, is why retinas, or whatever the issue was, cannot regenerate, if other parts of an alicorn's body can. It's a major plot point that this is an unsolvable problem, but you haven't provided much reason for why that should be the case.

The last line is another spot that I'm not sure what to think about. It looks like it's supposed to be optimistic, but the rest of the story indicates that that's not going to happen any time soon.

There are things this story does well - the navigation scene is a nice touch - but it is unsatisfying in a couple of (to me) critical ways.

Luna damn it. This is like the one week when I just can't afford the time to binge on Writeoff fics, and reading this comment thread is getting me way too excited about digging into this round's entries. Everyone's really enjoying the things they're reading (!), and apparently there's a Finnegans Wake riff (!) and several pieces of pony SF (!) and two mysteries (!!) and a Time Enough For Love homage (!!!) and just what.

WHERE IS MY READING TIME.

D:

Oooh! What's this? Okay, hold on a second. Aww... much better.

Okay continue.

Ha ha.

Oh?

Hmm...

Ah-ha!

Yes!

Oh dear.

Oh... ouch.

Oh, clever! I didn't see that coming.

*applauds*

---

I really liked the style you told this fairy tale with. It's just Luna talking to audience. And since she is Princess of the stars, she would know a number of star creation myths.

I actually liked the bit with Twilight at the end. It stopped me from wondering about whether the glowing stones would only be in a patch of one hemisphere. It's a little reminder to the audience that "it's just a story, relax." Which is probably what you were going for.

That last scene transition threw me for a loop and I'm not quite sure how the end scene fit with the middle.

This comes out like a nice slice-of-life Daring Do fic. Which (if that's what you were going for) was done well :)

I think this is one of the few stories that could be accurately tagged as [Adventure][Slice of Life].

Stories about training and competitions really aren't my cup of tea, but this was really well done! It was paced nicely, with a lot of detail that felt really well researched (or at least the author had to have at least some experience with sports training). Good job!

Well that was depressing. I'm pretty sure that's what you were going for, so awesome job!

I feel very wary of a blind Celestia still attempting to wield the sun (perhaps practice on the moon, or a small meteor first). Then again, blind people can do a lot of amazing things and it's largely the outside attitudes and culture toward blindness that increases the effects of the disability.

Still, this was a nice, sad story.

Alright, I'm going off the wagon to read and review a short one that doesn't have any feedback yet.

This was quite a pleasant start to my reading! On the whole, this has strong dialogue from virtually everyone on-screen, and capitalizes well on its space. There are a few linguistic slips (such as Luna not responding to "Days’ worth of meetings"), but I'm a fan of the premise. Luna's voicing is also great, and I'm pretty picky on that.

The humor was pretty on-point throughout, and I legit laughed at the line ending the second scene. That's not a direction I was expecting it to head.

The main flaw I see here — and I freely admit that I just might be missing something huge — is that the abbreviated final scene is structured like a punchline, but for the life of me I don't get it. Did this run out of time at the deadline? Is there some sort of episode reference that is being played too subtle? I'm pretty sure (not from the confusing descriptions, but from context) that Luna's reaching out to foals in dreams, but while that's vaguely clever, it just doesn't feel like a capstone to the story — it's not really surprising in any way, just a show callback. You want to punch hard and memorable to close out, but the last scene isn't even in the same weight class for me as the "self-important legate" bit or the opening sisterly banter or that laugh line from above.

In conclusion: This is great right up until the ending, and then just suddenly stops. I've gotta tier it based on that sense of incompleteness, but I'm gonna score it rather favorably.

Tier: Almost There

For most of the story, the narrator seems to have trouble accepting that his newly-reappeared love is intangible, even though she apparently vanishes before his eyes several times. Of course, in a magical realm such things may be possible, though pegasi aren’t supposed to be able to teleport. Still, he never makes a serious effort to look for where she went or touch her. Perhaps he is scared to be proven right? I suppose he’s aware at some level, or he’d be trying to consult the town’s resident magical authorities to see if there was some way to free her from whoever ‘they’ were who were letting her ‘come back.’

The kind of thing Sunrise is revealed to be at the end may be described as a Tulpa, but you may be right in not using that term for it here, as you’d have to explain it to the reader one way or the other.

This story is sweet and ends on a wistful note; I find here and there some awkward phrasing that a second draft could address.

… wow, I think that might just be a new record. A scoche under 15 hours from round start to 1 review for each story.

Great job, everyone!

I have mixed feelings about this story.

On a technical level, it's got the goods. The mystery is compellingly developed. The dialogue is crisp, and it makes the repartee between the characters fun to read and easy to follow. But in terms of content and structure, I felt it was missing a lot.

I'll preface my criticisms by saying that much of what I took issue with is probably the result of time and space constraints. This is a big story with a grander scope than I think can fit into 8k words, and I get the feeling important details needed to be cut in order to make it work in time.

I'm not the type to cry foul about rape being used as a plot element just on principle, but I do believe that it needs to be handled delicately, and I don't think you used it very well in this context. Blueblood's a scoundrel and a cad, but a serial rapist? That's tough to swallow. It can be done, I think, but you need to do serious legwork in order to establish his, er... appetites. Again, though, I don't think you had the time and space to develop this mystery as thoroughly as you did, and given the quality of your prose and the overall quality of the story's structure, I can take it on faith that you could have, and would have, if you'd had more room to work with.

On the other hand, to imply that Rarity - Rarity - was one of his victims feels shallow and manipulative, not like an organic part of the story. Rarity's presence in general doesn't feel very organic, and I think it owes to the endgame implication that Blueblood raped her, or blackmailed her into having sex with him. Her character isn't dwelt on or developed to a great extent; her trauma is apparent, but not important enough to be dealt with directly, and her role in the story seems to be motivate Twilight to involve herself in the investigation. And if that's the case, and she's only there so that Twilight will be personally invested in the crime... why is it necessary for her to be raped?

Despite my criticism, I won't say that you need to take it out. But if you revise this story after the writeoff, and expand it, then I would suggest that you deal more directly with Rarity and her trauma, and make what happened to her more relevant to the investigation than it is. In short, do more to justify Rarity's inclusion and her particular role.

Also, I'm having trouble following the Canterlot hierarchy here. I like the fact that there's some sort of check on the monarch's ability to act unilaterally. I like that there's a Parliament that Celestia proposes legislation to, and I like that Princesses aren't "above the law," as it were. But the scene where Rampart and Twilight wave their dicks at one another was hard to follow. First he threatens to have her arrested, then he admits he can't keep her off the investigation, then she threatens to take him off the investigation... which one of them is really in charge, again? Then there's the fact that Celestia had to defer to Rampart, and ask his approval, before going off to raise the sun. I initially took that as her just performing a courtesy for him, but then later, she says he "authorized" her to leave the crime scene. Celestia has to defer to a member of her own Royal Guard when it comes to performing her most important duty, and that just strikes me as bizarre.

Honestly, it... it felt like this, but played straight.

But this is my biggest problem with the story: I don't understand why Blueblood had to fucking murder one of his rape victims before Celestia finally decided that enough was enough. She said she tried to rehabilitate and curb his indiscretions, and that it didn't work. Okay, I can understand Equestria being compassionate enough to rehabilitate someone like Blueblood as option A., and to that end, I can probably overlook the detail that he wasn't brought up on charges the second she became aware of his crimes. But there is no excuse for her, or for Luna, to have not acted once it became clear that he wasn't ever going to change. Why wasn't he ever held accountable? Because he's too popular with the nobility for anything to stick against him? If Twilight, who I assume is higher in the hierarchy than Blueblood, can be held accountable by the law for interfering with a criminal investigation, then Blueblood can, and should, be held accountable for committing crimes which are far more heinous.

Or is it because Celestia was afraid of the scandal that would follow if his crimes were ever brought to light? Because that would suggest that she cares more about the image of the royal family than she does about all the lives that Blueblood has ruined, and stood to ruin, as long as he continued Cosby-ing his way through the castle. And if that is the case, then she's covering up the crimes of one of her family for purely political reasons, and Twilight absolutely should have brought it to light. In a society where royals are not untouchable, are accountable for their wrongdoings, she has no business ruling. Neither does Luna, for that matter, if she knew about Blueblood's antics and did nothing either.

I can, however, see Twilight deciding not to go through all of that purely for Rarity's sake, because she's that devoted a friend. But at the very least, there should be more of an acrimonious ending to her scene with Celestia.

The last thing I want to criticize here is the way the murder of what's-her-face the maid was handled. I don't believe it was brought up once until Celestia explained everything to Twilight at the end of the story. Something that important should have been foreshadowed far earlier, and should have been made relevant to the investigation, rather than being a footnote in an infodump at the end. But, yet again, that's probably because of time and space constraints, so I won't harp too badly on it.

Ditto Twilight's sudden epiphany regarding Celestia. That should have taken more doing. Although, yet again, time and space constraints seem to be the real criminals here

Final verdict: I can't like or dislike this story. It has too many merits for me to give it a thumbs-down, but I have too many issues with it, its premise, its structure, and its ending, to approve it either. It pains me to do so, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to abstain on this.

Author, whoever the hell you are, I would love to read a fully realized version of this story.

There's bits in here I really liked, for sure. Mac's talking about wanting something you never have. There's bits that confuse me - like, how does this fit in with the canon timeline? And in particular, is Mac hinting he's adopted? It kinda seems to be implying at least one Apple Parent was a pegasus otherwise.

>>Posh
I agree with pretty much all this, too. The ending could use some more of 'Yea, I lost, but I'll get her next time' and less of her being crushed, though at the same time I guess the crushing does kinda fit. And maybe a bit where Dash is told/realizes part of why she lost is she kept her eyes on Spitfire instead of on winning.

>>Posh
Well, rubbernecking is a term we invented for automobile accidents. Which, like, Equestria doesnt have. So pony Twilight not knowing makes sense.

Anyhow, I see three major issues with this story that I feel would benefit addressing:
1. Pacing - Once Twilight gets her notification read, things go from low to 11 in no time. Which you can do, but you need to be really prepared to do, and this isn't quite there yet.
2. Plot structure - I got a heap of pacing whiplash through all of this, and at the same time I was thinking 'and what if one gets into Equestria and isn't contained' and a couple other things. For example, what if a Supersonic Jet took off with one aboard and made it that much closer? Then, lastly, it doesn't have a resolution, really - I suspect that's a case of 'Ran out of time', but definitely for the full story you want a finisher.
3. Editing - This one does need an edit pass. I don't want to call out specifics but there are a lot of to/too style mistakes in here, or just word choice that doesn't feel like natural dialogue.

The NANOMACHINE doom scenario in interesting; expanding it, I feel you want some kind of seed earlier on to foreshadow this. Not sure how I'd go about it, but right now it totally whips out of left field.

>>Morning Sun

Well, rubbernecking is a term we invented for automobile accidents. Which, like, Equestria doesnt have. So pony Twilight not knowing makes sense.

Is it? Huh. I assumed it was just a general term for being a lookie-loo.

I can agree with coffee that the beginning is a little rough, but I thought the middle much stronger; especially the meeting with the Rainbooms just felt as if it flowed naturally and, well, was sweet. The ending isn't anything super new, but still ends on that sweetness.

Basically, this is like a cupcake; light and fluffy but with some deeper flavors that make it a nice snack, even if there's not a ton to chew on yet.

My advice here? This could make a good serialized fic, continuing from the ending here.

Tier : Solid

>>Posh
It looks like it was invented in 1890 as a way to refer to tourists, and is an American-ism. I do know where I always here it is around car accidents and the like - it's possible ponies have it too, but I'd think it's one of those words that they might not quite add.

Especially when you factor Pinkie Pie in. Her neck is way more stretchy than rubber

I enjoyed her emotional introspection. I can empathize with the constant self-recrimination and the denial of hard truths, the wanting to run away rather than face the guilt and try and move pats it, and so much else.

But most of all I can relate to her end, where she finally decides 'I cant control everything, but I can control how I choose to face it' - which is so true of life. I remember old me just struggling anytime an obstacle came, and I look at new me now who can take them in stride, and - well.

Well.

She goes on a journey here, and even if it's an inward one, it is still meaningful.

Tier : Solid

>>horizon
I think it helps this round we seem to have a combination of fewer entries from generally higher reviewing/commenting authors, so that's definitely beneficial.

Sentence advise thingy:

for me loaning of some Bits

-> I think you mean 'For me to loan some bits' or something like that. The word choice here is clunky.

I think this one has potential. There's no one area that feels particularly weak, and certainly Vinyl's aggravation and mistake are both easy to empathize with. I suppose, mm - I suppose it just feels like it's one hoofstep away from really hitting its stride. Like there's just that one note off.

I wish I knew exactly what note it was; I suppose it feels to me in some areas like the emotion from Vinyl is a little too..whiplashy?

On the other hoof, I thought Octavia had some splendid dialogue, good show wot wot

Tier : Solid-ish

At first I was all 'Oh sweet Luna, not again!' in thinking I was going to have to fight and struggle and wrestle to understand this.

And yet, as I went on I began to more and more fiddle away at the odd turns and twists of phrase and find myself unlocking the meanings here.

Firstly, Horizon, j'accuse! I know you are being flippant in your general comment but this is totally the sorts of shenanigans you pull.

Secondly, it turns out I did find this rather delightful, and my only real complaint is that Pinkie-ghost had the ice cream dump on her head, when what she SHOULD do is reanimate as the bowl flips towards her face and everypony is all 'OH NO DASH you've desecrated the corpse imminently' only for great pink mouth to yawn open and gulp it all down, swirl and swallow and leap up and then SURPRISE IM NOT DEAD.

In short? Yea, its a bit of a struggle to read through but when you get into the right headspace for it, it's joyful wordplay. Won't be surprised if this one medals one bit.

Tier : Top Contender.

Oh, yes, I have one small nitpick : I feel it could be strengthened, perhaps, if Pinkie's few bits of real-world dialogue actually came out as natural dialogue, to highlight the difference between inner-Po and outer-Ny.

>>FanOfMostEverything
The what-now story with GlimGlam? Got a link?

This started out curious and cute and ended really, really strong. This is absolutely Pinkie Pie in pure Perfect Pie Power mode. Sugar and sweet and my eyes may be just a little bit smile-wet.

Maybe. I won't ever admit to it for certain. Only nitpick?

Ponyville where either out

-> Should be 'were' instead of 'where'.

Still?

Tier : Top Contender

The Great

Story concept is rock solid. You've got a really excellent core here.

Third scene is hilarious. You really nailed the tone of a marketing meeting and there are some exceptionally great dialogue beats in there. This is really the centerpiece of this story and, I have to admit, I'd actually love it if it went on just a bit longer.

You end scenes very well. You're picking the right lines and right moments to exit.

The Rough

The actual prose just doesn't do a lot for me. Just a lot of simple sentences (primarily action beats around dialogue), many of which don't really add anything to the story. I'm also not quite as sold on Luna's dialogue as >>horizon. Ultimately, I think this could just use a round of polish to really tighten up the language.

I'm also agreed that the ending doesn't really quite work and I thiiiiiink I know what it is: the story is too comedic to really have the more serious reaching out to the foal dreams serve as a satisfying capstone. as such, this just sort of smacks into place without any real impact. If you really wanted to go this route (which I approve of; I like my comedies to have some meat to them), I think a little bit more pathos is necessary both in the beginning and after the third scene to really earn the warm fuzziness that the ending tries to invoke.

Righto, spoiler texting here too just to be safe.

Okay, the actual MYSTERY part of this is handled well. I have no major complaints there, and had considered Celestia as a possible suspect from moment one as a flight of fancy but largely wrote her off, figuring suicide as the next likely option; so, in some ways, kudos to that. Now, onto the problems:

Characterization in this does not gel with characterization in MLP. First off, Celestia and Luna are guilty of aiding and abetting repeated rapes. Yes, I can understand their desire to rehabilitate, but to the degree they let it happen again and again and again, and create an even greater miscarriage of justice? No. That doesn't fit for either of them. They are leaving a known predator loose to act again and again and inflict trauma again and again. And while I totally buy that for some sort of Victorian Holmesian noble, this is again Celestia and Luna. If you're going that route you'd better be able to sell it and sell it hard, and that is not at all done here.

Secondly, Rarity is turned into a sexual assault victim for no purpose other than to cast her as a falsely accused murder suspect. She doesn't really have her own agency in this story; she's traumatized and thus clams up and thus becomes effectively another mystery for Twilight to unravel. And while it's true we cannot predict how anypony would react in such a situation - I somehow feel as if Rarity would be the least likely of the Mane 6 to ever try to bury what happened. Third, we have Celestia as our 'murderer' here in an In the Pale Moonlight sense, with Twilight Sparkle as our Sisko to Celestia's Garak. And...yea, I can buy Twilight accepting the coverup, but yet again, where's the Celestia characterization that makes me believe she's going to do this? And uh, why even bother doing anything but letting him remain poisoned when hitting him with the poker just complicates things? Had she let him just keel over dead, none of this would ever have been an issue. And the whole 'I wanted to drag his name through the mud' kind of doesn't gel with her earlier goals of keeping everything hush hush. So...yea. Celestia, Luna, and Rarity all feel varying degrees of wrong here.

And one last thing - I don't see how they would pay their guards so little that bribery is something that is that commonplace as it seems to be here. That is another kinda sticking point.
Tier - Needs Work on one end, Solid on the other, thus going to be given a midrange rating.

This story needs some proofreading to fix the dialogue punctuation, some sentence fragments, a bit of tense mixing in the first paragraph, and general typos scattered throughout the story. (possibly as a result of rushed typing?)

“Nanites! It’s the Grey Goo scenario!”

I’m afraid I don’t follow—it’s too unexpected. This plot development sounds contrived considering the low stakes that the introduction leads the reader to expect. Leading in or hinting to the nanites near the beginning of the story will help make this fit better within the story.

Twilight grabbed the Princess in her shaky telekinesis and slammed her back first against a nearby locker.
[…]
Twilight fell to the floor, crying in earnest this time.

I think EQG!Twilight is overreacting in these moments. It looks like you intended to show the turmoil she’s going through, but we don’t get any indication about her emotional state before that moment, so as a result it doesn’t feel natural and relatable.

How many could you save?

From the ending of the story right in the middle of the plot, I suspect the author sadly ran out of time.

Huh. I find myself at something of a loss on this one.

On the one hand, it's a pretty simple story. But the more I think about it, the more certain things pop out: The unusual emotional depth you're able to conjure up for Twilight, but also the curious and unforethought cruelty of Luna and Celestia, to give a mare what seems to be a child, then intend to snatch it away moments later. The first thing I thought of when I saw the egg (and I assume Twilight would think as well) was 'This is a prank,' but it appears to have never occurred to her.

If there's a critique, it's how easily Spike manages to predict what happens. I mean, really? You give Twilight a fake egg and your first thought is she'll manage to hatch a real alicorn out of it? I'm not sure I buy that, which is odd, because you think I'd have more trouble with the actual hatching than his predicting it.

Interesting. I'm not sure how to rank this one, yet. We'll have to see what else comes.

Well, I don't really care about spoilers, because I'm highly unlikely to read Cixin Liu's stories. What does worry me is just how much of this story is based on Liu's work? Is this essentially a ponified version of The Three Body Problem, or does it only draw certain inspirations from it?

Without knowing more, I'm not in a good position to judge this story's merits as an actual story. I can only go by construction and technical aspects.

First off, that title is amazing.

The name of the PR firm might be a bit too on the nose, even for Equestria.

I like the effort to have both ends connect to canon, but I agree that the ending needs work, especially since it seems like something Luna would do without outside prompting. (Indeed, since you connected it to canon, it is something she’d do without that prompting.) Between that and the proofreading flubs, this one likely came down to the wire. You have the majority of a great story here; you just need a little more time and a better capstone.

Ah. Joycean prose. To be fair, if there’s any voice that works as a canoe in Pinkie’s stream of consciousness, it’s this one. The free association and wordplay gives her a nice air of Shakespearean jester.

If for some reason you’re reading this review and you haven’t yet read the story, I strongly recommend you read it out loud. It’s incredible fun.

In all, magnificent work. I may even record a reading. And I agree with >>Morning Sun; play up the contrast between conventional conversation and meandering museilation.

>>Morning Sun

The what-now story with GlimGlam? Got a link?

My story, actually:

"Bowled Over" is the story I would've written for the "End of an Era" prompt back in July, but I was getting ready for the San Diego Comic Con so I didn't actually write the story till August... :)

Mike

Huh. Spoilers for a sci-fi trilogy I’ve never heard of until now? I think I’ll risk it.

A fascinating concept all around, though as >>Cold in Gardez notes, I’m not sure where the source material ends and your own ideas begin. That’s the risk with crossovers; it’s hard for an audience familiar with only one half to appreciate the comingling. Given that, I think I need to abstain on this one. Again, I did enjoy it.

Genre: Comedy with extra bits

Thoughts: Normally I like to go easy when I start a review, but since everyone else has said it anyway, I may as well go for the jugular: IMO there was way too much tonal inconsistency between the comedic middle part of this story, and the beginning and (especially) the ending, which played the situation straight. The middle part was funny! There were marketers, a Kibitz cameo from the comics, and FOCUS GROUPS!!! All good and funny stuff, and it was executed well. Sign me up for a fic's worth of that any day.

The rest of it didn't maintain that same tone. That can be okay if the tone change reinforces a larger point or theme in the story, but in this case it doesn't seem to. Ending on a "behind the episode" moment just doesn't pay off the comic buildup of the middle section.

The funny bits are dynamite, though.

Tier: Almost There

That was a glorious intellectual beatdown. My heart was in throat. Kudos.
… Likewise kudos on the unforeseen consequences.

This was a fantastic mystery… but as others have noted, the details don’t quite gel with Equestria as we know it or the ponies therein. Also, there seems to be an economic downturn that isn’t ever really explained; are we to assume that the nobles have decided to bleed the nation apropos of nothing? If so, assuming Blueblood led them in it, why wasn’t that the impetus to eliminate him?

This is amazing on the surface. A little more work will bring that same quality to all levels.

The story reflects Daring’s actions. It goes around and around, and just when it seems like something might resolve the tension, it turns back and goes home. This was wonderfully tense and atmospheric, but it left me unsatisfied, especially given how the average ancient ruin still has perfectly functional traps.

Still, it did what it set out to do, and if you want to change your goals a bit, you have a wonderful base to start from.

Is this going to be Vinyl Scratch as Lazarus Long? Because I’d be completely okay with that.

Oh. Or a Starswirl/Vinyl buddy fic. I can work with that.

Or a slow-building shipfic with a side of misadventure. I can also work with that.

In all, this was a lot of fun. I’m a huge sucker for uncommon character pairings, and they don’t get much more uncommon than this. This can only benefit from expansion, but even as is, it’s fantastic. Thank you for it. I look forward to seeing it on Fimfiction.

>>Posh

Are we still not allowed to say "well-written?"

I've never let that stop me. :P

I can tell this one came in under the wire. It really needs another go over to catch the omitted words and auto-correct flubs. Still, the story itself is a fascinating one, though I do have to wonder how Rarity’s paramour works when Luna is a thing. Of course, introducing some new mystical element to Equestria is a written, engraved invitation for me to think too much, so there we are.

I feel this would benefit a lot from expansion. The text does a good sense of conveying the sense of building, overwhelming fatigue; more scenes of thankless effort will only emphasize that. Maybe include the interlude with Twilight if it won’t interrupt the flow too much. Still, even as is, I liked this.

>>Morning Sun

Third, we have Celestia as our 'murderer' here in an In the Pale Moonlight sense, with Twilight Sparkle as our Sisko to Celestia's Garak

i love you

I'll agree:

With >>Cold in Gardez in large part. Everyone's slightly out-of-character the way they would be in a broad comedy or a farce, but there's nothing farcical at all about where the story goes. Moving from the ridiculous to the sublime is a hard thing to do, but you come really close to pulling it off here, author. I don't have any suggestions to helping the transition, either: maybe instead of the gentleness of the last line, Twilight can come trotting in wearing a big smile and a squirming Babybjörn? Or have more explosions: you can never go wrong with more explosions. :)

Good stuff, though!

Mike

>>Cold in Gardez
>>FanOfMostEverything

Seeing as I have read it, the spoilers in here relate to the cosmology of the Remembrance... series, as noted, specifically the giant war that has engulfed the entire universe for billions of years. It's a story where Equestria is set IN the universe, but the story itself isn't a retelling; the only plot elements common to both are the cosmology/war, and the message that precipitates conflict in this story. The stranger is an entirely new creation, and preserving Equestria for the new universe is as well.

So, really, I'd call it crossover fanfiction between Remembrance and My Little Pony and it may well be the first such work, and blends the cynical Maoist thought of Remembrance with the constant hope for betterment of pony.

Also even if you read this, Three Body and The Dark Forest aren't really spoilered much at all; the one this really uses major event's from is the third book, Death's End, but again it's more revelations about how the universe works / its history, than like, a ponified reinterpretation of Lady and the Tiger.

>>Baal Bunny
Oi hah, thanks!

Huh. More Vinyl. Not as surprising to see her crop up as it is Zephyr Breeze, but still not a pony I expected to see multiple times.

Ah, creative blocks. We’ve all been there. I kind of hope this ends with Vinyl remixing the clock.

In all, an excellently executed bit of all-too-relatable despair, coupled with some fantastic friendshipping. You’re definitely playing to the right audience with this one.

>>Morning Sun
Oh! Well, in that case, I'll happily give this a rating.

Sorry for my hesitance, author. I wanted more information before I felt I could judge this fairly.

It took me until the very end of the story to really figure out what was going on and when this fits with the series. Probably because I'm dumb.

With that in mind, the title doesn't really have much to do with the story, and as has been pointed out, only serves to spoil the ending. I can get on board with crapping all over Zephyr, and I cackled at the Parks and Rec scene at the start, but maybe something that is more directly related to the premise would do better?

“Okay. Scootaloo, look, I'm a royal guard. You can tell me anything you need to, and I can promise that nothing bad will happen, and everything will be okay. So please tell me, is Zephyr...hurting you?”

Scootaloo's head snapped upright. “What‽ No! It's nothing like that! He hasn't actually done anything illegal, as far as I know. I was just hoping that maybe you know something that I don't.”

Shining Armor stood up straight again. “But if you don't think he's done anything wrong, why do want him to be arrested?”

“Basically, Zephyr is the worst.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“He's just terrible.”

Okay, but I did legitimately laugh out loud when I read this part.

First of all, let me tell you I loved the flow of your prose. It got me really invested in the story, and you pulled off a decent creepy vibe in that first scene...

...which made it all the more anticlimactic once the story ended with no real resolution, no doubt a result of the double edge nature of the write-offs.

As others have said, I'd love to see a more fleshed out version of this story, where we get to actually see the chambers. As it stands, I can't help but feel cheated out of a better, complete story.

And speaking:

Of broad comedy and farce...

Just the lines thrown off in passing--from Rarity's "Well, let's never do this again" to Twilight's comment about throats at the end--kept me giggling. I might suggest emphasizing a bit more what I'd call the actual lesson of the story--being a monster doesn't necessarily mean you're a villain. Maybe have Sweetie Belle come out with it: she pretty much disappears after delivering her one terrific line at the beginning, and I'd like to see her pop up here and there throughout. But definitely keep the alternate lessons Twilight comes up with: it's entirely in keeping with this sort of story for the characters not to get the same lesson as the reader does.

I've had three really good stories right outta the gate here!

Mike

I liked this. Probably more than I expected to like an OC-centric romance, but I guess my penchant for favouring tragic romances trumps anything else.

I guess the main negative aspect that stood out to me was how subdued Patch's surprise was at seeing Sunrise again after twenty years, and that slight disconnect tainted the overall experience. If I met again with a sginificant person whom I lost decades ago, I'd be besides myself, making every type of question while hugging, kissing, and crying like a baby.

Though I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, so I'm not really an example to follow.

Either way, it was a solid romance with a bittersweet resolution that could be polished into an even better story.

WARNING: First part of a longer story. I apologize. :/ Submitted nevertheless, in the hope you may still enjoy what’s been written yet. Obviously not seriously competing for any slot.

You can still tell a self-contained story that fits within a larger narrative as long as you do so in a satisfying way that leaves the reader wanting more.

However, I'm left wondering what your overall goal is beyond crafting a somewhat crass retelling of the series premiere.

All in all, while not a bad effort, I can't say I find many redeeming values in the story.

Sorry.

Alright. I'll admit the fast-paced beggining made me have doubts about the story, but I'm glad I stuck through. This is an endearing tale you've crafted over here.

As Fan said, the mystery carried itself subtly enough that when the reveal came, I had that nice moment when realisation hit me. Kudos for that.

Aside from easing a few minor bumps with the narrative here and there, I don't have any major complaints about this story.

We have here a retelling of first episiode / inversion story. These have been Done enough that new instances have higher bars to clear to stay original and funny. Making this a Lunaverse is a good touch, and I was amused at the Rariclone hitting on Twilight, but aside from the Luna interactions the author seems mostly to be going for the easy/scatological laughs, and this isn’t enough to hold my interest. It’s easy to flip things upside down and profane the sacred; far more challenging and interesting to knock them sideways. Author, I wish you would go sideways if you take this any further.

For my part:

I found no warm fuzziness in the ending, no change of tone, and no connection to canon: Luna is giving foals nightmares, then cutting the nightmares off by plunging the foals into darkness. This will cause the foals to view darkness favorably since they will begin to associate it with the ending of their nightmares, and so Luna's goal is achieved. In short, it seems to follow from everything that's come before and is just as outlandish as the rest of the comedy. Also, I now have the title "Denotation and Detonation" rattling around in my head...

Mike

>>Baal Bunny
<reads again>
Ohhh, that's nasty. :-p

If that's the explanation, though, it could do to be a bit more obvious.

>>Baal Bunny
I don't buy it. Luna's line is word for word accurate to her line in Sleepless in Ponyville.

Genre: Atmospheric dread

Thoughts: This was a great little slice-of-adventure, as >>Chinchillax said. I do wish the ending had delivered on the climax that the rest of the story seemed to be building toward. And yet, I feel the piece is almost more memorable for not going in that direction. We can feel the tension Daring Do feels, and we can imagine all the terrible things she's envisioning might happen, and perhaps it lets us get inside her head a little bit. I also like that the part at the end pulled us deeper into her world, as we got to see some of the support apparatus that surrounds her adventures.

Tier: Strong

I'll be brief, as to not beat over the same points over and over.

I believe that Rainbow's reaction at the end would be more fitting to the one of the earlier times she lost but not so much for the ending. That's not to say that downer endings are bad, but rather it's incongruent with the growth Dash's had throughout the story.

Aside from that, I've got to congratulate you on getting me pumped. The story was just a montage of Mac and Dash frolicking though Sweet Apple Acres away from an eighties sports movie. I really enjoyed it.

Also, I don't know how to feel about the precise wordcount.

This was fantastic. It was written, it engaged me throughout, and I found it extremely difficult to put it down after I made the mistake of starting it during a work break. While the actual subject matter would never make it into the show, I could see something with a similar theme (being a monster doesn't mean you're evil / trying to be more than you are) fitting it's way in there... Hrmmm changeling episode... But yes, I enjoyed this thoroughly.

>>Baal Bunny
I totally didn't get that, but now that you say it I can see it. Author, rewrite that final scene to make what's going on clearer (maybe make the nightmare some sort of light-beast or something, idk). And maybe add in a final joke since it's still landing as clever-not-funny to me.

>>AndrewRogue
This, on the other hand, rather muddies the issue. I don't remember the episode as supporting the "get fillies on board with darkness" plan.

All my free time is spoken for this week, but I'm at work. That means I can post ponies, right? >.>

Author's note:
With apologies and credit to horizon

There's pretty much no way for me not to skip my slate and read this first. (In fact, that's what happened. I snuck it in last night as pleasure reading before I did my review. I'm just coming back now to type this up.) And I'm flattered! No apologies necessary. :D

(On rereading this review I'm realizing that it doesn't communicate the full depths of my glee at having inspired this — imitation being the sincerest form of flattery and all that. So before I go on, I'm just going to spend a few moments undignifiedly squeeing.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D)


It seems pretty clear to me this started out with the joke of the title pun and sprang out into a full story from there, and I am totally okay with that. Vinyl/Starswirl is more or less crackfic material, but crackfics played straight are like my favorite thing ever. The bottle is a great plot and character element, the reasoning for Starswirl's appearance feels pretty solid, and the slow burn of the romance is both a nice touch on the homage front and a good pacing choice. On the whole I quite enjoyed this.

She sighed, then groaned, and took her sunglasses off. “Look, ‘Nova,’ I don’t care. Whatever it is, whoever you really are… I already see somepony I like. You’re intense. Life doesn’t just happen to you; you go happen to it. And I dig that about you.”

She touched a hoof to his goatee. He looked at her with a wan smile. “I would never want you to stop wearing the glasses entirely,” he said. “But you have lovely eyes. They’re warm, and clever, just like you. And they twinkle when you’re thinking about doing something mad.” He laughed. “Which does seem to be most of the time.”

And I appreciate that this passes the Bookplayer Test: showing us why the characters love each other rather than simply protesting how much they do. (Technically, the Bookplayer Test is to give us "a conversation that shows me that the characters love and enjoy each other that is not about how much they love and enjoy each other", but the point is to establish where their chemistry comes from, and this does that in both the large and the small.)

That said, I've got suggestions. Both Time Enough For Love and this story use tight third-person limited, but here I think it's holding you back because there's a fundamental information asymmetry causing problems: viewpoint character Vinyl's just not in on the things that drive the plot. I might have been biased by spoilers, but I'm pretty sure that having a white-bearded unicorn stallion appear out of nowhere after casting a spell all but screams "STAR SWIRL", and yet large chunks of the story are trying to pull tension out of her not knowing his identity — and then he suddenly gets his memories back and straight-up doesn't tell her, and then tells her to stay away when he goes off to his confrontation. We, the readers, are left out in the cold like she is. And that just feels like it's taking such a huge amount of agency away from one of your two protagonists (her only real choice is whether to dump him for his secrecy or not) as well as keeping some of your most climactic moments off-screen.

(In that way it's kind of an interesting deconstruction of TEFL, because in both cases the time-traveler acts selfishly, but here we get to see it from the outside instead of the inside. But that doesn't make it more satisfying to read.)

And the themes of TEFL and TEFW are different enough that I don't think that works for you in the same way. Clover's relationship with Celestia over the years is a meditation on discontinuous relationships and struggling to stay in love with someone as they change; Star Swirl and Vinyl have a very traditionally linear relationship that we follow in real time, so all the time we see him keeping her at an emotional distance is, well, time at which they're at an emotional distance, so you're not brewing chemistry for a satisfying romance. That can work as a contrast if we see them developing closely together and then he pulls away. Arguably it does here? But, I don't know, to me it didn't feel like they really were getting close at all if after all that he can want her not to get involved. Telling your partner secrets, asking for their trust, can be a really intimate act. Refusing to do so is a pretty big statement. Given that the core arc here is a romance, I think that making that statement needs to be handled more delicately.

I think this would be well served by going off in its own direction from TEFL more — kick away some of the original story's asymmetry, and let's see more of Vinyl and Star Swirl together, both physically and emotionally. The slow pace of the romance was fine, but it left me feeling like I never really got to see them both being awesome together, and there's plenty of room for that with Equestria's greatest mage and a manic wub pixie sidekick. This is a fun story on simmer, and it would be amazing on boil.

Tier: Strong

>>Posh

Yeah, nice try, horizon. We know it's you.

I'm just going to stay out of this and watch you and >>Morning Sun fight. *grabs popcorn*

>>horizon
Speaking of Time Enough For Love, by the way … that's my high-priority current editing project which is sideburnered as I'm going through the current hump, and Nadnerb is keeping me honest about staying on-track with that (because he wants to post the cover art he made for it, and it's beautiful so I don't blame him). It will be posted to FIMFiction soon. I'm gonna do everything I can do post it by the end of this Writeoff so TEFW doesn't beat me to publication.

The edited version is split up into three sections. Chapter 1 is ready for posting; Chapter 2 needs a new scene; and Chapter 3 needs a new scene and some tightening. But it's happening!

>>AndrewRogue

I haven't watched:

That episode in a couple years, so the line didn't resonate with me. But yeah, if the author doesn't want to make that connection--and to clear up the whole "what's actually happening here" thing--a rewrite is definitely in order.

Mike Again

So big coincidence--this was the first story I grabbed from the gallery yesterday morning (for obvious reasons), but things worked out for me, cause it's also the first story on my slate. :P

Okay, first off, I just want to say that I formed my own thoughts about this one before any reviews were posted, and they actually seem to disagree with most of what I'm reading right now. Which is super surprising to me, because I tend to take the opinion of virtually all these folks very seriously. (The one exception being Posh, simply because I don't think we've actually shared a Writeoff yet. But he's a medalist, so I'm certain he knows what he's talking about.)

That being said, I'm not going to water down my review. You might find a minority report useful, after all.

... Wow, that's a lot of preamble. Let's actually get started:

The idea here is novel and intriguing, and that title is absolutely guaranteed to pique interest in this audience. This all adds up to doing a great job setting up the hook and getting the reader interested fast.And the way you set up your stakes make it really easy to stay hooked on. IMO, about 50% of any story's effectiveness is purely how well it makes readers want to read, and you've done a stellar job at it.

Something of mild-to-moderate concern is the prose. For instance, your word choice comes off as a bit spotty at times. The word "hoof" is used as a verb about six times in the first nine hundred or so words, but then it's never used like that again throughout the rest of the story. You do a good job of keeping the prose invisible and non-telly, but it's also bland, which makes certain passages (like entire 2nd scene + first few paragraphs of the next scene) hard to pay attention to.

My biggest concern about the story, however, is that it felt really plain to me. I know I'm in the minority here, but I totally bounced off the bottle metaphor. It came across as obvious and cheap to me, to have an object literally embody Vinyl's emotional baggage like that. As a result, it was kind of hard to get invested in the character development, since almost every moment of character-building involved bringing up the bottle in some way. It ended up feeling like thinly-coded message that we're going to start talking about the next stage of Vinyl moving past her breakup.

Another way the story feels plain to me is how if you really think about it, not much actually happens. Our two characters spend most of the story walking around and talking about how Nova suddenly appeared in Vinyl's life and has changed it. The main sources of tension are the mystery about Nova's identity and the knowledge that some kind of confrontation is going to go down in Ponyville. The first isn't really that much of a mystery, and the second hardly even happens on-screen. The little hundred-word penultimate scene is the climax, and it isn't much at all. Besides this, the closest thing we get to a character conflict is when Vinyl stomps away, only to make things up with him a handful of paragraphs later.

In the end, this story had a great set-up and a great idea, but I think it doesn't quite manage to capitalize on them. To steal a metaphor from horizon, you've got the stew on the stovetop, but you're not actually cooking anything yet. Turn the heat up! What you've got here isn't bad, but frankly there's a much better story hiding in the ideas of this one that needs some coaxing to come out.

>>horizon
Cannot wait. Publish now, plz.

Also...

>>Bachiavellian
Holy crap, that might be the longest review I've ever written. I swear to god, it looked a lot more concise in the comment box.

You hit that perfect zone of emulating the show's style, and expanding upon it.

I don't have much to say, really. Characterization was on point, the pacing was enjoyable, the little twists and turns were fun, the prose was engaging.

As far as a Slice of Life story about the continuing adventures Fluttershy and her brother featuring Discord, I think it was great.

This is basically a textbook on how to write a good sports drama. It not only sets up the stakes and motivations really well, it also does a damn good job of making the reader feel familiar with the sport in question and how it works with some very well-constructed action and dialogue.

I enjoyed the characterization a lot. Mac as a semi-professional coach is, frankly, an odd idea, but you've tied it to his core personality very well, and as a result it feels natural to read about. Rainbow Dash doesn't quite feel as interesting in comparison, but she still plays her own beats pretty well. It's a familiar interpretation of her character, but it works.

What I really love about this story, though, is that it doesn't overstate its messages or it's arcs. For instance, the dialogue between Mac and Dash at the Academy shows us so much about how they both think and feel without making either pony feel OOC. Which is pretty impressive when you remember which ponies you're talking about, here.

As for criticisms, I think the mid-story twist is a tad too obvious, as Posh points out. It adds a bit of fat to an otherwise very lean build up to the climax. The way you have it right now, it's a niggling distraction that the reader knows will have to be addressed before things can continue. So I'd suggest either keeping the reader in the dark completely (by removing or reducing the foreshadowing) or doing the reveal earlier, before the tension gets high.

While I didn't have any problems with the content of the ending (I think it's a very good interpretation of Dash as you've drawn her out, here), I am a little off-put by how little space it takes. It happens very quickly--the race finishes, the central message gets re-touched upon, and things close up all within the span of about three and a half hundred words. It feels almost perfunctory to me, and it probably exacerbates the issue that other reviewers are having with thematic closure. You're literally at the word limit, though, and I know exactly how that feels. I'd very much like to see this story without the cuts you've doubtless had to make to squeeze it into this round.

>>Bachiavellian

Okay, first off, I just want to say that I formed my own thoughts about this one before any reviews were posted, and they actually seem to disagree with most of what I'm reading right now. Which is super surprising to me, because I tend to take the opinion of virtually all these folks very seriously. (The one exception being Posh, simply because I don't think we've actually shared a Writeoff yet.

U WOT M8?

YA GOT A LOT O'FOOKIN NERVE TOOLKEN ABOOT ME LOIKE--

But he's a medalist, so I'm certain he knows what he's talking about.)

Oh.

Well, never mind then. Carry on.

I don't quite see Spike out of character. That one I buy; he can be unusually deep when he wants to be.

Celestia/Luna? They're being bent a bit, and Cadance too, but not so far that I cannot buy it, because ultimately this story isn't really about them - it's about a certain little purple alicorn who does not believe in the no-win situation.

And when faced with it? She cheats.

I quite enjoyed this. My biggest nitpick? That this is all there is. Now I want to read the fallout and then the subsequent Mommy Twilight story.