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Denotation and Consternation
Celestia watched Twilight gallop out of the throne room, charged with single-hoofedly saving the Crystal Empire. Celestia didn’t know why she’d had to say something so antithetical to the lessons of friendship, but her premonitions had been as clear on the matter as they ever were. This would preserve the Empire. Hopefully, it would even aid Twilight on the path to ascendance.
As the faint strains of a musical number wafted in from outside, Celestia felt her sister’s presence at her side once more. She smiled and turned to Luna.
Luna didn’t match her expression. She said nothing aloud, but her scowl spoke volumes.
Celestia sighed. “I don’t like it either, Luna, but I have faith in her.”
“As do I, sister. That is not what has aroused my ire.”
“What’s wrong?”
Luna quirked an eyebrow. “‘A unicorn whose heart was black as night’? Really, Tia?”
“It’s a well-established turn of phrase,” said Celestia.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, after a thousand years of the sun reigning undimmed.”
“It was a well-established turn of phrase a millennium ago.”
“Neigh, then ‘dark as night’ meant a pony was mysterious, hard to know well, but perhaps possessed of glimmers of something better…” Luna’s face twisted into a grimace. “Glimmers of something better gleaming under the surface. Ugh. My apologies, sister. It is not you who has offended me, but language itself.”
Celestia offered a sympathetic smile. “Our ponies are diurnal, Luna. They have associated darkness with peril since before even our births.”
Luna looked away. “It still rankles me to see my night so disrespected.”
“If there is one thing I have learned from our ponies, sister, it is that you cannot fight equine nature. If the herd has made a decision, no one pony, not even you or I, can change it.”
After a few moments, Luna nodded, then made for the doors. “Very well then. I shall just have to get more ponies.”
“Wait!” Celestia stumbled to halt, stopping her pursuing charge a few steps in. “What exactly do you have in mind?”
Luna looked back. Thankfully, she didn’t seem to blame Celestia for her outburst. “I do not yet know, but I promise you, no harm shall befall anypony.”
The echoing call arrived several moments before the Princess. “Good Kibbitz! How may I change the minds of many ponies at once?”
Kibbitz had been the royal majordomo for decades, and over that time had become closely acquainted with Princess Celestia’s personal eccentricities. As such, he had very quickly learned that Princess Luna was not her sister by any stretch of the imagination. That still left him struggling to determine precisely who Luna was, and given both proper deference and her temper, that meant treading very carefully around her. It took several seconds of careful thought before he asked, “What precisely do you mean by that, Your Highness?”
“There is a deep-seated association in the equine mind between darkness and evil, and another between light and goodness. I would demonstrate to the masses that such connections are false and unmerited, preferably by demonstrating the goodness of darkness.”
“I… see.” Kibbitz tugged at his mustached and thought. “It is certainly a tricky matter, Your Highness. Many of your more impressive displays can be described as lights in the darkness.”
Luna nodded. “Aye. Meteor showers, harvest moons, constellation theatre, all rely on an interplay of the two. The ponies of today embrace the night to a degree they never did a millennium ago, but darkness is another matter. I was hoping there was some development that might aid me in this.”
“I am sorry, Your Highness, but nothing comes to…” Kibbitz paused for just a moment.
Luna smiled. It had been a moment enough. “Ah, but something has come. Pray speak, good seneschal.”
“I am not sure if I should, Your Highness. It is… beneath you.”
The princess gave a most unregal snort. “Scant moons ago, I spent a night belittled, mocked, and tugged upon by foals. It was one of the best nights of my life. Only that which I say is beneath me is so, and for this quest, I will happily bury myself until even Diamond Dogs must bow their heads to see me. So long as I do not delve into the truly despicable, my dignity is a small price to pay to make ponies move past primitive fears.”
Kibbitz muddled this over. “Whether or not it is despicable is a matter of some debate, Your Highness. However, if you are truly willing to do anything for this…”
“I am.”
He took a deep breath and said, “It is known as a focus group...”
The offices of Flimflam, Pablum, and Tripe were midway up the Empire Province Building. The conference room, bedecked in mahogany and fetlock-deep carpeting, had a magnificent view of the Hudscolt River. The heads of the firm had been happy to offer their personal expertise to the crown and now sat smiling at one end of the massive conference table, with Luna and a pair of standing, bat-winged guards at the other.
“How have you found Manehattan, Princess?” said Flummox Flimflam, a unicorn mare who had admitted a distant relation to a certain pair of traveling hucksters.
Luna smiled. “It has been fascinating. Oft am I reminded of just how much I have missed because of my earlier foolishness, and this has been perhaps the most stark reminder yet. When last I saw Manehattan Island, there had been scarcely any pony presence at all. To see such a grand city no stand here, so large, so tall, so full of life, it is awe-inspiring.” Luna’s expression soured. “That said, I am not sure how much I like the Manehattanites’ attitudes. Some seemed to feel I was taking up more than my fair share of space. As though I could help that.”
One of her guards cleared his throat.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, good Frolicsome, I suppose I could have shapeshifted, but I doubt that impertinent stallion knew that.”
“Manehattan prides itself on not caring about details like your tribe or species,” said Gisela Tripe, a griffoness.
Luna smirked. “Even in my brief time here, I have seen that Manehattan prides itself on many things.”
Powdered Pablum, a doughy earth pony stallion, gave a more genuine sort of laughter than Luna had expected. “Very true. Still, in this city, it isn’t what you are, it’s what you’ve done.”
Luna gave this a flat look. “I have saved this nation and this world so many times that I have brought history professors to tears as they realized how much has been lost. A mare still demanded that I, quote, ‘turn down that overblown mane before you blind somepony.’”
“What you’ve done lately,” said Tripe, “in Manehattan.”
“Ahh.” Luna nodded. “A hunger for great deeds and a short memory that demands you keep performing them. I am reminded of Pegasopolis. I can only hope this will not end in my feeding some self-important legate her own flight feathers.” She sighed fondly before marshaling herself. “But I digress. I trust you all know why I have asked for your time?”
Flimflam nodded. “Yes, Princess. And may I say we are very excited to work with you in what is perhaps the most ambitious rebranding effort in history.”
“Making darkness appealing. This is one for the history books,” said Tripe.
“We’re with you one hundred percent,” said Pablum.
“At your price, you had better be.” Luna took the sting out of the comment with a wink. “Very well, o personal relators. How may we change the people’s minds?”
“Well, we’ve been thinking about this for quite some time since you contracted us,” said Flimflam.
“Gotten a lot of our best brainstorming possibilities,” added Tripe.
“Days’ worth of meetings.” Pablum spread his forelegs as if to indicate the magnitude of time.
“We’ve narrowed it down to a few key ideas that are virtually guaranteed to work.” Flimflam levitated a clipboard.
Luna narrowed her eyes. “How virtual is this guarantee?”
“Ninety-nine percent. Ponies can be fickle, Your Highness.” Flimflam chuckled. “If I could just order them to think the way I wanted them to, I wouldn’t have gone into marketing.”
“Very well. Proceed.”
“Well, first off, have you considered making the moon brighter?”
Luna stared at the unicorn for quite some time. Flimflam just stared back, her small smile slowly growing more strained. Finally, Luna said, “Excuse me?”
“The moon. Have you tried brightening it?”
“The moon.”
Flimflam nodded. “Yes.”
“As in the one in the sky?” Luna pointed out the window. “The greatest of the stars, core of the realm of dreams, shepherd of the tides, and suchlike?”
“That would be the one.”
“And you want me to make it brighter.”
“The thing about darkness, Princess,” said Tripe, “is that it dominates the senses so much. If you could tone down the usual amount of it that people had to deal with, make it a little milder, you’d be doing a lot to meet them halfway.”
Luna scowled. Clouds started to intrude on the scheduled clear skies. “The amount they have to ‘deal with’?”
Tripe shrugged her wings. “That’s speaking personally. The thing about eagle eyes? Terrible night vision.”
“Indeed.” Luna decided not to mention the many nighttime raids against reiver camps, the horseflesh-hungry catbirds blinded by their own torches, not noticing her squad until it was far too late. At least, she wouldn’t mention it this time. She took a deep breath. “Increasing moonshine would require a great deal of delicate orbital choreography, both to better reflect the sun and to change how the moon interacts with nearby leylines. My sister and I simply do not have the free time needed to plan out such things, nor would the denizens of the world likely appreciate the strange phenomena that would accompany them.”
“So,” said Flimflam, “that’s a no on the brighter moon?”
“Decisively.”
“All right then, Plan B. Does darkness need to be black?”
Luna gazed into the mare’s mind. She seemed as sane as the next pony. That wasn’t saying much, but it still came far short of the madness that Luna had thought such a question would require. ”What else would it be?”
“Well, that’s up to you. Though the good news is our focus groups reported very strong preferences for blues and purples that will nicely complement your personal color scheme.” Flimflam checked her notes. “Also pink. A lot of ponies were enthusiastic about the idea of pink darkness.”
Luna could not help but think of the Bearer of Laughter’s less pleasant dreams. She bit back her first comment. “How exactly would I go about implementing this change?”
“I’m afraid that one’s up to you, Princess. But almost everypony we asked liked the idea of something other than black.”
”Black is just so harsh,” said Pablum. “Like Gisela said, it demands a lot of attention. That can turn off a lot of ponies.”
Luna found herself contemplating the idea. “I admit, I do see a way to make that happen, but the magical array needed to generate the glamour would require generations of labor to construct and unfathomable amounts of power to maintain.”
“So that’s a maybe?” said Flimflam.
“A maybe of magnitude equivalent to the undertaking it represents. Anything else?”
Flimflam clicked her tongue. “Well, Plan C is…” She winced. “I’ll put this out front, Princess, this one’s the riskiest.”
Pablum nodded. “Something of a long shot.”
Tripe tried a smile. The beak presented some issues. “If anyone could make it work, it would be you.”
“That last was true of the others,” said Luna.
Flimflam nodded. “Fair point. Quite simply, you get them while they’re young.”
“Meaning?”
“Everypony has lived their lives thinking darkness is a bad thing,” said Flimflam. “That’s why you came to us. But if you target foals, the ones who’ve thought that for the least time, the ones who are still in their impressionable years, you’ll have an easier time changing their minds.”
“However,” said Pablum, “you’re going to need to go about it carefully. You and foals, well, I’m not sure if you know, but—“
Luna held up a hoof. “Backside gobbling, yes. I have been acquainted with the legacy I left in common folklore.” She smiled. “I thank you, gentlefolk. Despite your more outlandish proposals, you have indeed been worth every bit.”
Flimflam beamed and started pulling placards out from under the conference table. “Fantastic! We’ve already drafted several potential advertising campaigns that—“
“That will not be necessary.”
All three froze. “Princess?” said Pablum.
Luna just smiled. “You have presented me with the solution. I know how I may implement it.”
The filly cowered, eyes shut. It wouldn’t stop the approaching horror, but at least she didn’t have to watch what happened next.
An explosion made her crack open her eyelids. What she saw was dark, yes, but that wasn't anywhere near a bad thing.
Luna smiled. “A warm welcome to you, Scootaloo.”
As the faint strains of a musical number wafted in from outside, Celestia felt her sister’s presence at her side once more. She smiled and turned to Luna.
Luna didn’t match her expression. She said nothing aloud, but her scowl spoke volumes.
Celestia sighed. “I don’t like it either, Luna, but I have faith in her.”
“As do I, sister. That is not what has aroused my ire.”
“What’s wrong?”
Luna quirked an eyebrow. “‘A unicorn whose heart was black as night’? Really, Tia?”
“It’s a well-established turn of phrase,” said Celestia.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, after a thousand years of the sun reigning undimmed.”
“It was a well-established turn of phrase a millennium ago.”
“Neigh, then ‘dark as night’ meant a pony was mysterious, hard to know well, but perhaps possessed of glimmers of something better…” Luna’s face twisted into a grimace. “Glimmers of something better gleaming under the surface. Ugh. My apologies, sister. It is not you who has offended me, but language itself.”
Celestia offered a sympathetic smile. “Our ponies are diurnal, Luna. They have associated darkness with peril since before even our births.”
Luna looked away. “It still rankles me to see my night so disrespected.”
“If there is one thing I have learned from our ponies, sister, it is that you cannot fight equine nature. If the herd has made a decision, no one pony, not even you or I, can change it.”
After a few moments, Luna nodded, then made for the doors. “Very well then. I shall just have to get more ponies.”
“Wait!” Celestia stumbled to halt, stopping her pursuing charge a few steps in. “What exactly do you have in mind?”
Luna looked back. Thankfully, she didn’t seem to blame Celestia for her outburst. “I do not yet know, but I promise you, no harm shall befall anypony.”
The echoing call arrived several moments before the Princess. “Good Kibbitz! How may I change the minds of many ponies at once?”
Kibbitz had been the royal majordomo for decades, and over that time had become closely acquainted with Princess Celestia’s personal eccentricities. As such, he had very quickly learned that Princess Luna was not her sister by any stretch of the imagination. That still left him struggling to determine precisely who Luna was, and given both proper deference and her temper, that meant treading very carefully around her. It took several seconds of careful thought before he asked, “What precisely do you mean by that, Your Highness?”
“There is a deep-seated association in the equine mind between darkness and evil, and another between light and goodness. I would demonstrate to the masses that such connections are false and unmerited, preferably by demonstrating the goodness of darkness.”
“I… see.” Kibbitz tugged at his mustached and thought. “It is certainly a tricky matter, Your Highness. Many of your more impressive displays can be described as lights in the darkness.”
Luna nodded. “Aye. Meteor showers, harvest moons, constellation theatre, all rely on an interplay of the two. The ponies of today embrace the night to a degree they never did a millennium ago, but darkness is another matter. I was hoping there was some development that might aid me in this.”
“I am sorry, Your Highness, but nothing comes to…” Kibbitz paused for just a moment.
Luna smiled. It had been a moment enough. “Ah, but something has come. Pray speak, good seneschal.”
“I am not sure if I should, Your Highness. It is… beneath you.”
The princess gave a most unregal snort. “Scant moons ago, I spent a night belittled, mocked, and tugged upon by foals. It was one of the best nights of my life. Only that which I say is beneath me is so, and for this quest, I will happily bury myself until even Diamond Dogs must bow their heads to see me. So long as I do not delve into the truly despicable, my dignity is a small price to pay to make ponies move past primitive fears.”
Kibbitz muddled this over. “Whether or not it is despicable is a matter of some debate, Your Highness. However, if you are truly willing to do anything for this…”
“I am.”
He took a deep breath and said, “It is known as a focus group...”
The offices of Flimflam, Pablum, and Tripe were midway up the Empire Province Building. The conference room, bedecked in mahogany and fetlock-deep carpeting, had a magnificent view of the Hudscolt River. The heads of the firm had been happy to offer their personal expertise to the crown and now sat smiling at one end of the massive conference table, with Luna and a pair of standing, bat-winged guards at the other.
“How have you found Manehattan, Princess?” said Flummox Flimflam, a unicorn mare who had admitted a distant relation to a certain pair of traveling hucksters.
Luna smiled. “It has been fascinating. Oft am I reminded of just how much I have missed because of my earlier foolishness, and this has been perhaps the most stark reminder yet. When last I saw Manehattan Island, there had been scarcely any pony presence at all. To see such a grand city no stand here, so large, so tall, so full of life, it is awe-inspiring.” Luna’s expression soured. “That said, I am not sure how much I like the Manehattanites’ attitudes. Some seemed to feel I was taking up more than my fair share of space. As though I could help that.”
One of her guards cleared his throat.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, good Frolicsome, I suppose I could have shapeshifted, but I doubt that impertinent stallion knew that.”
“Manehattan prides itself on not caring about details like your tribe or species,” said Gisela Tripe, a griffoness.
Luna smirked. “Even in my brief time here, I have seen that Manehattan prides itself on many things.”
Powdered Pablum, a doughy earth pony stallion, gave a more genuine sort of laughter than Luna had expected. “Very true. Still, in this city, it isn’t what you are, it’s what you’ve done.”
Luna gave this a flat look. “I have saved this nation and this world so many times that I have brought history professors to tears as they realized how much has been lost. A mare still demanded that I, quote, ‘turn down that overblown mane before you blind somepony.’”
“What you’ve done lately,” said Tripe, “in Manehattan.”
“Ahh.” Luna nodded. “A hunger for great deeds and a short memory that demands you keep performing them. I am reminded of Pegasopolis. I can only hope this will not end in my feeding some self-important legate her own flight feathers.” She sighed fondly before marshaling herself. “But I digress. I trust you all know why I have asked for your time?”
Flimflam nodded. “Yes, Princess. And may I say we are very excited to work with you in what is perhaps the most ambitious rebranding effort in history.”
“Making darkness appealing. This is one for the history books,” said Tripe.
“We’re with you one hundred percent,” said Pablum.
“At your price, you had better be.” Luna took the sting out of the comment with a wink. “Very well, o personal relators. How may we change the people’s minds?”
“Well, we’ve been thinking about this for quite some time since you contracted us,” said Flimflam.
“Gotten a lot of our best brainstorming possibilities,” added Tripe.
“Days’ worth of meetings.” Pablum spread his forelegs as if to indicate the magnitude of time.
“We’ve narrowed it down to a few key ideas that are virtually guaranteed to work.” Flimflam levitated a clipboard.
Luna narrowed her eyes. “How virtual is this guarantee?”
“Ninety-nine percent. Ponies can be fickle, Your Highness.” Flimflam chuckled. “If I could just order them to think the way I wanted them to, I wouldn’t have gone into marketing.”
“Very well. Proceed.”
“Well, first off, have you considered making the moon brighter?”
Luna stared at the unicorn for quite some time. Flimflam just stared back, her small smile slowly growing more strained. Finally, Luna said, “Excuse me?”
“The moon. Have you tried brightening it?”
“The moon.”
Flimflam nodded. “Yes.”
“As in the one in the sky?” Luna pointed out the window. “The greatest of the stars, core of the realm of dreams, shepherd of the tides, and suchlike?”
“That would be the one.”
“And you want me to make it brighter.”
“The thing about darkness, Princess,” said Tripe, “is that it dominates the senses so much. If you could tone down the usual amount of it that people had to deal with, make it a little milder, you’d be doing a lot to meet them halfway.”
Luna scowled. Clouds started to intrude on the scheduled clear skies. “The amount they have to ‘deal with’?”
Tripe shrugged her wings. “That’s speaking personally. The thing about eagle eyes? Terrible night vision.”
“Indeed.” Luna decided not to mention the many nighttime raids against reiver camps, the horseflesh-hungry catbirds blinded by their own torches, not noticing her squad until it was far too late. At least, she wouldn’t mention it this time. She took a deep breath. “Increasing moonshine would require a great deal of delicate orbital choreography, both to better reflect the sun and to change how the moon interacts with nearby leylines. My sister and I simply do not have the free time needed to plan out such things, nor would the denizens of the world likely appreciate the strange phenomena that would accompany them.”
“So,” said Flimflam, “that’s a no on the brighter moon?”
“Decisively.”
“All right then, Plan B. Does darkness need to be black?”
Luna gazed into the mare’s mind. She seemed as sane as the next pony. That wasn’t saying much, but it still came far short of the madness that Luna had thought such a question would require. ”What else would it be?”
“Well, that’s up to you. Though the good news is our focus groups reported very strong preferences for blues and purples that will nicely complement your personal color scheme.” Flimflam checked her notes. “Also pink. A lot of ponies were enthusiastic about the idea of pink darkness.”
Luna could not help but think of the Bearer of Laughter’s less pleasant dreams. She bit back her first comment. “How exactly would I go about implementing this change?”
“I’m afraid that one’s up to you, Princess. But almost everypony we asked liked the idea of something other than black.”
”Black is just so harsh,” said Pablum. “Like Gisela said, it demands a lot of attention. That can turn off a lot of ponies.”
Luna found herself contemplating the idea. “I admit, I do see a way to make that happen, but the magical array needed to generate the glamour would require generations of labor to construct and unfathomable amounts of power to maintain.”
“So that’s a maybe?” said Flimflam.
“A maybe of magnitude equivalent to the undertaking it represents. Anything else?”
Flimflam clicked her tongue. “Well, Plan C is…” She winced. “I’ll put this out front, Princess, this one’s the riskiest.”
Pablum nodded. “Something of a long shot.”
Tripe tried a smile. The beak presented some issues. “If anyone could make it work, it would be you.”
“That last was true of the others,” said Luna.
Flimflam nodded. “Fair point. Quite simply, you get them while they’re young.”
“Meaning?”
“Everypony has lived their lives thinking darkness is a bad thing,” said Flimflam. “That’s why you came to us. But if you target foals, the ones who’ve thought that for the least time, the ones who are still in their impressionable years, you’ll have an easier time changing their minds.”
“However,” said Pablum, “you’re going to need to go about it carefully. You and foals, well, I’m not sure if you know, but—“
Luna held up a hoof. “Backside gobbling, yes. I have been acquainted with the legacy I left in common folklore.” She smiled. “I thank you, gentlefolk. Despite your more outlandish proposals, you have indeed been worth every bit.”
Flimflam beamed and started pulling placards out from under the conference table. “Fantastic! We’ve already drafted several potential advertising campaigns that—“
“That will not be necessary.”
All three froze. “Princess?” said Pablum.
Luna just smiled. “You have presented me with the solution. I know how I may implement it.”
The filly cowered, eyes shut. It wouldn’t stop the approaching horror, but at least she didn’t have to watch what happened next.
An explosion made her crack open her eyelids. What she saw was dark, yes, but that wasn't anywhere near a bad thing.
Luna smiled. “A warm welcome to you, Scootaloo.”
Alright, I'm going off the wagon to read and review a short one that doesn't have any feedback yet.
This was quite a pleasant start to my reading! On the whole, this has strong dialogue from virtually everyone on-screen, and capitalizes well on its space. There are a few linguistic slips (such as Luna not responding to "Days’ worth of meetings"), but I'm a fan of the premise. Luna's voicing is also great, and I'm pretty picky on that.
The humor was pretty on-point throughout, and I legit laughed at the line ending the second scene. That's not a direction I was expecting it to head.
The main flaw I see here — and I freely admit that I just might be missing something huge — is that the abbreviated final scene is structured like a punchline, but for the life of me I don't get it. Did this run out of time at the deadline? Is there some sort of episode reference that is being played too subtle? I'm pretty sure (not from the confusing descriptions, but from context) that Luna's reaching out to foals in dreams, but while that's vaguely clever, it just doesn't feel like a capstone to the story — it's not really surprising in any way, just a show callback. You want to punch hard and memorable to close out, but the last scene isn't even in the same weight class for me as the "self-important legate" bit or the opening sisterly banter or that laugh line from above.
In conclusion: This is great right up until the ending, and then just suddenly stops. I've gotta tier it based on that sense of incompleteness, but I'm gonna score it rather favorably.
Tier: Almost There
This was quite a pleasant start to my reading! On the whole, this has strong dialogue from virtually everyone on-screen, and capitalizes well on its space. There are a few linguistic slips (such as Luna not responding to "Days’ worth of meetings"), but I'm a fan of the premise. Luna's voicing is also great, and I'm pretty picky on that.
The humor was pretty on-point throughout, and I legit laughed at the line ending the second scene. That's not a direction I was expecting it to head.
The main flaw I see here — and I freely admit that I just might be missing something huge — is that the abbreviated final scene is structured like a punchline, but for the life of me I don't get it. Did this run out of time at the deadline? Is there some sort of episode reference that is being played too subtle? I'm pretty sure (not from the confusing descriptions, but from context) that Luna's reaching out to foals in dreams, but while that's vaguely clever, it just doesn't feel like a capstone to the story — it's not really surprising in any way, just a show callback. You want to punch hard and memorable to close out, but the last scene isn't even in the same weight class for me as the "self-important legate" bit or the opening sisterly banter or that laugh line from above.
In conclusion: This is great right up until the ending, and then just suddenly stops. I've gotta tier it based on that sense of incompleteness, but I'm gonna score it rather favorably.
Tier: Almost There
The Great
Story concept is rock solid. You've got a really excellent core here.
Third scene is hilarious. You really nailed the tone of a marketing meeting and there are some exceptionally great dialogue beats in there. This is really the centerpiece of this story and, I have to admit, I'd actually love it if it went on just a bit longer.
You end scenes very well. You're picking the right lines and right moments to exit.
The Rough
The actual prose just doesn't do a lot for me. Just a lot of simple sentences (primarily action beats around dialogue), many of which don't really add anything to the story. I'm also not quite as sold on Luna's dialogue as >>horizon. Ultimately, I think this could just use a round of polish to really tighten up the language.
I'm also agreed that the ending doesn't really quite work and I thiiiiiink I know what it is: the story is too comedic to really have the more serious reaching out to the foal dreams serve as a satisfying capstone. as such, this just sort of smacks into place without any real impact. If you really wanted to go this route (which I approve of; I like my comedies to have some meat to them), I think a little bit more pathos is necessary both in the beginning and after the third scene to really earn the warm fuzziness that the ending tries to invoke.
Story concept is rock solid. You've got a really excellent core here.
Third scene is hilarious. You really nailed the tone of a marketing meeting and there are some exceptionally great dialogue beats in there. This is really the centerpiece of this story and, I have to admit, I'd actually love it if it went on just a bit longer.
You end scenes very well. You're picking the right lines and right moments to exit.
The Rough
The actual prose just doesn't do a lot for me. Just a lot of simple sentences (primarily action beats around dialogue), many of which don't really add anything to the story. I'm also not quite as sold on Luna's dialogue as >>horizon. Ultimately, I think this could just use a round of polish to really tighten up the language.
I'm also agreed that the ending doesn't really quite work and I thiiiiiink I know what it is: the story is too comedic to really have the more serious reaching out to the foal dreams serve as a satisfying capstone. as such, this just sort of smacks into place without any real impact. If you really wanted to go this route (which I approve of; I like my comedies to have some meat to them), I think a little bit more pathos is necessary both in the beginning and after the third scene to really earn the warm fuzziness that the ending tries to invoke.
First off, that title is amazing.
The name of the PR firm might be a bit too on the nose, even for Equestria.
I like the effort to have both ends connect to canon, but I agree that the ending needs work, especially since it seems like something Luna would do without outside prompting. (Indeed, since you connected it to canon, it is something she’d do without that prompting.) Between that and the proofreading flubs, this one likely came down to the wire. You have the majority of a great story here; you just need a little more time and a better capstone.
The name of the PR firm might be a bit too on the nose, even for Equestria.
I like the effort to have both ends connect to canon, but I agree that the ending needs work, especially since it seems like something Luna would do without outside prompting. (Indeed, since you connected it to canon, it is something she’d do without that prompting.) Between that and the proofreading flubs, this one likely came down to the wire. You have the majority of a great story here; you just need a little more time and a better capstone.
Genre: Comedy with extra bits
Thoughts: Normally I like to go easy when I start a review, but since everyone else has said it anyway, I may as well go for the jugular: IMO there was way too much tonal inconsistency between the comedic middle part of this story, and the beginning and (especially) the ending, which played the situation straight. The middle part was funny! There were marketers, a Kibitz cameo from the comics, and FOCUS GROUPS!!! All good and funny stuff, and it was executed well. Sign me up for a fic's worth of that any day.
The rest of it didn't maintain that same tone. That can be okay if the tone change reinforces a larger point or theme in the story, but in this case it doesn't seem to. Ending on a "behind the episode" moment just doesn't pay off the comic buildup of the middle section.
The funny bits are dynamite, though.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Normally I like to go easy when I start a review, but since everyone else has said it anyway, I may as well go for the jugular: IMO there was way too much tonal inconsistency between the comedic middle part of this story, and the beginning and (especially) the ending, which played the situation straight. The middle part was funny! There were marketers, a Kibitz cameo from the comics, and FOCUS GROUPS!!! All good and funny stuff, and it was executed well. Sign me up for a fic's worth of that any day.
The rest of it didn't maintain that same tone. That can be okay if the tone change reinforces a larger point or theme in the story, but in this case it doesn't seem to. Ending on a "behind the episode" moment just doesn't pay off the comic buildup of the middle section.
The funny bits are dynamite, though.
Tier: Almost There
For my part:
I found no warm fuzziness in the ending, no change of tone, and no connection to canon: Luna is giving foals nightmares, then cutting the nightmares off by plunging the foals into darkness. This will cause the foals to view darkness favorably since they will begin to associate it with the ending of their nightmares, and so Luna's goal is achieved. In short, it seems to follow from everything that's come before and is just as outlandish as the rest of the comedy. Also, I now have the title "Denotation and Detonation" rattling around in my head...
Mike
I found no warm fuzziness in the ending, no change of tone, and no connection to canon: Luna is giving foals nightmares, then cutting the nightmares off by plunging the foals into darkness. This will cause the foals to view darkness favorably since they will begin to associate it with the ending of their nightmares, and so Luna's goal is achieved. In short, it seems to follow from everything that's come before and is just as outlandish as the rest of the comedy. Also, I now have the title "Denotation and Detonation" rattling around in my head...
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
<reads again>
Ohhh, that's nasty. :-p
If that's the explanation, though, it could do to be a bit more obvious.
<reads again>
Ohhh, that's nasty. :-p
If that's the explanation, though, it could do to be a bit more obvious.
>>Baal Bunny
I don't buy it. Luna's line is word for word accurate to her line in Sleepless in Ponyville.
I don't buy it. Luna's line is word for word accurate to her line in Sleepless in Ponyville.
>>Baal Bunny
I totally didn't get that, but now that you say it I can see it. Author, rewrite that final scene to make what's going on clearer (maybe make the nightmare some sort of light-beast or something, idk). And maybe add in a final joke since it's still landing as clever-not-funny to me.
>>AndrewRogue
This, on the other hand, rather muddies the issue. I don't remember the episode as supporting the "get fillies on board with darkness" plan.
I totally didn't get that, but now that you say it I can see it. Author, rewrite that final scene to make what's going on clearer (maybe make the nightmare some sort of light-beast or something, idk). And maybe add in a final joke since it's still landing as clever-not-funny to me.
>>AndrewRogue
This, on the other hand, rather muddies the issue. I don't remember the episode as supporting the "get fillies on board with darkness" plan.
>>AndrewRogue
I haven't watched:
That episode in a couple years, so the line didn't resonate with me. But yeah, if the author doesn't want to make that connection--and to clear up the whole "what's actually happening here" thing--a rewrite is definitely in order.
Mike Again
I haven't watched:
That episode in a couple years, so the line didn't resonate with me. But yeah, if the author doesn't want to make that connection--and to clear up the whole "what's actually happening here" thing--a rewrite is definitely in order.
Mike Again
“Neigh, then ‘dark as night’ meant a pony was mysterious, hard to know well, but perhaps possessed of glimmers of something better…” Luna’s face twisted into a grimace. “Glimmers of something better gleaming under the surface. Ugh. My apologies, sister. It is not you who has offended me, but language itself.”
Kibbitz muddled this over. “Whether or not it is despicable is a matter of some debate, Your Highness. However, if you are truly willing to do anything for this…”
“I am.”
He took a deep breath and said, “It is known as a focus group...”
Such a little thing, but I laughed out loud at it. There are a lot of lines like this in the story that crack me up.
D'aww, and that ending. This was so damn cute. Funny, too, and well-rooted in the series' lore and tone. I can't even think of anything to suggest. Now I have to decide whether it or The Lamia will get the top spot on my slate.
>>horizon
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Baal Bunny
I thought the ending was pretty self explanatory. Luna's role as "Guardian of Dreams" in Sleepless in Ponyville and subsequenc CMC dream episodes is a PR stunt motivated by her desire to get the night more recgonition, and is targeting foals because they're more impressionable and they haven't been hammere with the "Night=bad" mentality the rest of Equestria subconsciously has.
"Hey, kids. Night's aren't so bad now that you know your friendly and approachable Princess is here to keep an eye on you, are they?"
Anyway I loved the hell out of this story, and while I admit the tone felt somewhat inconsistent due to using the return of the Crystal Empire as a a catalyst for Luna's journey of improving her image when a casual conversation could have worked just as well and would have gone to great lengths to mantaining the tonal consistency throughout the story.
Still, I loved the story and it's earning a spot near the top of my ranking.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Baal Bunny
I thought the ending was pretty self explanatory. Luna's role as "Guardian of Dreams" in Sleepless in Ponyville and subsequenc CMC dream episodes is a PR stunt motivated by her desire to get the night more recgonition, and is targeting foals because they're more impressionable and they haven't been hammere with the "Night=bad" mentality the rest of Equestria subconsciously has.
"Hey, kids. Night's aren't so bad now that you know your friendly and approachable Princess is here to keep an eye on you, are they?"
Anyway I loved the hell out of this story, and while I admit the tone felt somewhat inconsistent due to using the return of the Crystal Empire as a a catalyst for Luna's journey of improving her image when a casual conversation could have worked just as well and would have gone to great lengths to mantaining the tonal consistency throughout the story.
Still, I loved the story and it's earning a spot near the top of my ranking.
>>horizon
>>Baal Bunny
Yea, the whole point here is 'Luna's time with the PR firm gave her the inspiration to start dreamwalking'. She's not causing nightmares, she's stopping them as a way to inspire the fillies and colts to like her.
I found this a cute fluff piece, and I really did like the hooks into canon. It's a solid entry from me; perhaps it may be a bit too subtle in how it hooks into Sleepless since a few didn't get it, but I really have no complaints!
>>Baal Bunny
Yea, the whole point here is 'Luna's time with the PR firm gave her the inspiration to start dreamwalking'. She's not causing nightmares, she's stopping them as a way to inspire the fillies and colts to like her.
I found this a cute fluff piece, and I really did like the hooks into canon. It's a solid entry from me; perhaps it may be a bit too subtle in how it hooks into Sleepless since a few didn't get it, but I really have no complaints!
I originally read the title as 'Detonation and Consternation' for some reason.
This is a very clever concept, and the writing is definitely serviceable; there are some good jokes in here, and dialogue is mostly on-point throughout.
I think my biggest problem with it is just how... soft the whole thing is? It's not diving particularly deep into any one emotion, it's not taking any huge risks. It's mildly funny, and the quality of the writing is nice, but it's just not got any one part that elevates it above 'pretty good' for me. And don't get me wrong, it is pretty good. But... it's not actually 'great' in my eyes.
Still, it's clever and original, and that's worth a lot.
This is a very clever concept, and the writing is definitely serviceable; there are some good jokes in here, and dialogue is mostly on-point throughout.
I think my biggest problem with it is just how... soft the whole thing is? It's not diving particularly deep into any one emotion, it's not taking any huge risks. It's mildly funny, and the quality of the writing is nice, but it's just not got any one part that elevates it above 'pretty good' for me. And don't get me wrong, it is pretty good. But... it's not actually 'great' in my eyes.
Still, it's clever and original, and that's worth a lot.
Denotation and Consternation — B+ — Ok, the first paragraph flattened me. Had to re-read it three times to make sense of it. Maybe it’s just because I’m up late? The interplay within the focus group was similarly difficult to follow, and the ending was just… flatter than expected, even the second time around. If you reduced the number of ponies in the focus group to two familiar scam artists and put some more work into making the dialogue b/w Celestia/Luna/Kibbitz flow more naturally, it would work better. Also, the ending and the beginning both need rewritten. You’re far too coy setting the scene at the beginning, and to abrupt at the end.
Congradulations to GroaningGreyAgony for the honaurific medalliance and ode to Joyce! You expounded your horizons with a best-or-bust gambol, putting everything on pink.
Right, that's enough of that. I don't want Posh to get a concussion from banging his head on his desk. Congrats to him and CoffeeMinion as well for their medals. All three definitely earned them.
Now, let's look at my story:
Denotation and Consternation
I'm still unduly happy with that title, even if people kept seeing explosions in it.
In any case, the concept came from a rebellion against the expected subject matter: Who said dark had to be bad? Then I remembered Celestia's rather suspect line from "The Crystal Empire," all the more eyebrow-raising when you think about how she'd just been talking with Luna. From there flowed the idea of Luna trying modern methods to reform the image of the night and all the absurdities that implied.
The weakest part is obviously the ending. I actually forgot the Writeoff had started that week, so I'd spent that Friday and Saturday looking for jobs and preparing Friendship is Card Games articles for the early-aired episodes. Between the rush and the high demand on my creative energy, I couldn't think of any way to actually end the story, so I bunted and tried to reconnect it to canon, even though Luna should've already been attending to dreams. Fortunately, I do have a better one in mind, one that will make better use of the guardsponies.
As for the "Luna is deliberately giving foals nightmares" read, I never meant that, but I do like it as a form of fridge horror. If the person who wrote the story likes a different interpretation more, would you call that Suicide of the Author?
Thanks to everyone who provided feedback. I'm not sure when I'll put this one up on Fimfiction—my Writeoff backlog is actually pretty atrocious—but I don't think it'll need much before it's ready for prime time.
Right, that's enough of that. I don't want Posh to get a concussion from banging his head on his desk. Congrats to him and CoffeeMinion as well for their medals. All three definitely earned them.
Now, let's look at my story:
Denotation and Consternation
I'm still unduly happy with that title, even if people kept seeing explosions in it.
In any case, the concept came from a rebellion against the expected subject matter: Who said dark had to be bad? Then I remembered Celestia's rather suspect line from "The Crystal Empire," all the more eyebrow-raising when you think about how she'd just been talking with Luna. From there flowed the idea of Luna trying modern methods to reform the image of the night and all the absurdities that implied.
The weakest part is obviously the ending. I actually forgot the Writeoff had started that week, so I'd spent that Friday and Saturday looking for jobs and preparing Friendship is Card Games articles for the early-aired episodes. Between the rush and the high demand on my creative energy, I couldn't think of any way to actually end the story, so I bunted and tried to reconnect it to canon, even though Luna should've already been attending to dreams. Fortunately, I do have a better one in mind, one that will make better use of the guardsponies.
As for the "Luna is deliberately giving foals nightmares" read, I never meant that, but I do like it as a form of fridge horror. If the person who wrote the story likes a different interpretation more, would you call that Suicide of the Author?
Thanks to everyone who provided feedback. I'm not sure when I'll put this one up on Fimfiction—my Writeoff backlog is actually pretty atrocious—but I don't think it'll need much before it's ready for prime time.