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Zephyr Ruins Everything
“So this is Ponyville,” Shining Armor said as he stepped off of his chariot. “Well, it's no Canterlot, but I suppose I can see the appeal.” He turned to the pegasi who had pulled the chariot. “You two are off-duty until the Princess arrives. I'll be supervising the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration myself.”
The two pegasi departed with a salute, leaving Shining Armor to fend for himself in unfamiliar and potentially hostile territory. Fortunately, his years of guard training had prepared him for exactly such a situation. So after taking only the shortest of pauses to adjust his armor, he asked a small filly for help.
“Excuse me, I am Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard. Can you please direct me to,” he paused to check his list, “Zephyr Breeze?”
The filly's eyes lit up as he spoke. Shining Armor was not unaccustomed to this. It was a common reaction from fillies and colts who hoped to someday join the guard. He himself was once one of those colts. “Are you here to finally arrest Zephyr?” That, however, was a considerably less common reaction. Especially when said with so much excitement.
“No, I am here to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. I was told that he is the pony in charge of the event.”
The filly, an orange and purple pegasus with a scooter, sighed and looked down as she spoke. “Yeah, he is.”
Oh no,Shining Armor thought. Surely he couldn't be. Not in Equestria. Not in a town like this. As important as Shining Armor's assignment was, he knew that other things were more important. He crouched down to the filly's level. “What's your name?”
“Scootaloo.”
“Okay. Scootaloo, look, I'm a royal guard. You can tell me anything you need to, and I can promise that nothing bad will happen, and everything will be okay. So please tell me, is Zephyr...hurting you?”
Scootaloo's head snapped upright. “What‽ No! It's nothing like that! He hasn't actually done anything illegal, as far as I know. I was just hoping that maybe you know something that I don't.”
Shining Armor stood up straight again. “But if you don't think he's done anything wrong, why do want him to be arrested?”
“Basically, Zephyr is the worst.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“He's just terrible.” Scootaloo sighed again. “Look, if you really want to meet him, just come with me and I'll take you to him. Then you'll see what I mean.”
Zephyr Breeze held up his hoof as Shining Armor approached him. “Yeah, I think we can do that for them. We'll talk soon,” he said as a unicorn mare transcribed his words. “Okay, send that off.” Zephyr put his hoof down and turned to face Shining Armor as the mare walked away.
“Hello, I'm—”
“There's nopony I have to send that letter to,” Zephyr interrupted. “But soon, there will be. Welcome to the Dreamatorium, aka the headquarters of Entertainment 720. We got a pool table, a ping-pong table, a couch with a ceiling on it, in-house DJ, DJ PON-3, and best of all, former Wonderbolt Deadlift Shrimp is on retainer. What's up, Deadlift?”
“Zephyr, what does this business do, exactly?” Shining Armor asked as Deadlift walked over.
“As little as possible,” Scootaloo mumbled.
“It's a multimedia entertainment production conglomerate,” Zephyr replied.
“I don't know. You have a lot of overhead here,” Deadlift said doubtfully. “Have you ever thought about scaling back a bit and focusing on building your client base?”
Zephyr gave a fake laugh. “Thanks a lot, For Bits Magazine, but we didn't hire you to give use business advice; we hired you to look pretty and fly stunts. So why don't you head over there and do your thing? We want people to see you when they come in, Deadlift.” Deadlift shrugged and took to the air.
Zephyr turned back to Shining Armor. “We're living the dream.”
“Uh–huh. You are the one in charge of the festivities for the Summer Sun Celebration, right?”
“Of course I am. You'd be crazy to go to anypony besides Entertainment 720 for all of your entertainment needs. Don't worry, bro. I've got it all taken care of.”
“Well, I'd still like to see what you've done, just to make sure that everything is in order.”
“Of course it's in order. Look at this, we've got vaporized cider.” Zephyr sprayed a vaguely apple-scented mist in Shining Armor's face.
“And that's for the celebration?”
“No, that's just the type of thing we've got here at Entertainment 720, because we're just that hip.”
“I see.”
“And look over here. We've got models to spare!”
“Is that one wearing a rainbow wig?”
Scootaloo facehooved. “Don't ask.”
“Of course she is. Is there any mane quite so beautiful as Rainbow?” Zephyr's eyes glossed over as he stared at the indifferent mare. Shining had a feeling that this was similar to the expression his friends told him he got when he thought about Cadance. Only creepier.
Shining Armor turned to Scootaloo and lowered his voice so that Zephyr couldn't hear. “Nothing is ready for the celebration, is it?”
“Nothing I'd want a princess to see.”
“How about this: if you help me throw something together today, I'll see if I can't get an auditor or two to come down and give this place a look.”
Scootaloo smiled like an orphan who just found out she was getting adopted by a princess. “Don't worry, Shining. We'll get this done in ten seconds flat.
“Okay, so Rainbow Dash has taken care of the weather, the Apples have food covered, the Pony Tones will be providing music, and simply moving the event outside means we don't need to do any more decorating. I think that should be sufficient.” Shining Armor put his list away and looked at his companions. “Now the only question is what to do with you three.”
“You could make us Ponyville's official detachment of the Royal Guard,” Scootaloo suggested.
“Or maybe get us our own suits of shining armor, no pun intended.” This suggestion came from Sweetie Belle, who had quickly befriended Scootaloo while Shining Armor made plans for the Pony Tones with her sister, Rarity.
“Or you could at least teach us how to use that cool sword you have,” said Apple Bloom, another friend who the fillies had made while Shining Armor made catering arrangements with the Apples.
Shining Armor chuckled. “Sorry, Apple Bloom, but if there's one thing that having a younger sister has taught me, it's that I shouldn't trust cute little fillies with sharp objects. That, and how to build a book fort, but I think Twily is pretty unique there. And while I am thrilled that you three have decided that you want to join the Royal Guard, I don't think I can do much with your other suggestions until you're older either.”
The fillies shuffled their hooves in embarrassment. “Actually, it's not that we want to be royal guards, exactly,” Scootaloo said.
“We're really just interested in getting our cutie marks for now.” Apple Bloom continued.
“And we won't know if guarding or swordplay are our special talents unless we try, right?” Sweetie Bell added.
Shining Armor rolled his eyes. He remembered his own quests for a cutie mark as a child. “I suppose not, but if you really want to try to get swords for cutie marks, you'll have to talk to your parents. There is no way I'm getting myself involved in that again.
The three fillies frowned as their hopes and dreams were shattered before their eyes. Instinctively, they each turned to every young pony's ultimate trump card.
“Sorry girls, but your cute little pouts aren't going to work on me. I have a younger sister, remember? No, tearing up is not going to help. No, that won't—fine, how about this: I'll go drop off my armor, and then I'll take you out for ice cream to thank you for all the help you've given me today. What do you say?”
The fillies broke off their stares and formed a huddle. “What do you think, girls?” Apple Bloom asked.
“I say we take the deal,” Sweetie Belle said. “We can't just turn down ice cream.”
“Yeah, but then we won't get to play with swords and find our cutie marks,” Scootaloo countered.
“The swords were a long shot anyway,” Apple Bloom added. “The ice cream is guaranteed. Besides, maybe we'll get ice cream-eating cutie marks.”
“I've never gotten a cutie mark when I've eaten ice cream before,” Scootaloo said doubtfully.
“Well, maybe you were doing it wrong,” Sweetie Belle suggested.
“How do you eat ice cream wrong?” Scootaloo asked.
“I'll tell you what,” Shining Armor interrupted. “I'll also make sure you meet a princess or two tomorrow.”
“DEAL!” the fillies exclaimed as one.
“All right then,” Shining Armor said with a laugh. “Come on; I'm staying at the library, which I believe is just up ahead.”
“Hello?” Shining Armor called out as he entered the library. “Is anypony here?” He took the silence as an answer. “Doesn't this town have a librarian? And why is it so dark in here? The sun hasn't even set yet.”
The room was suddenly illuminated, revealing a gray earth pony. “Surprise,” she said in a dull monotone voice.
Shining Armor paused, awaiting any further explanation, but after several seconds, it became apparent that none was forthcoming. “Excuse me? Who are you? What exactly is the surprise here?”
“My name is Maud. This is your surprise party,” she said in the same drab voice. “My sister throws one for every new pony in town. Her Pinkie Sense told her you would be coming, but she had to go to Griffonstone to teach the griffons how to bake properly, so left me in charge of this party. I hope you enjoy it.”
Shining Armor looked around the large central room of the library. The only ponies there besides himself and Maud were Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom, who had entered the library when they heard what they were disappointed to learn was not the start of a Pinkie Pie Party. There also did not appear to be any food, games, decorations, or anything else one would expect to find at a welcome party. In short, these festivities appeared to be just as extensive as those handled by Zephyr Breeze.
“Well, I can see that this is quite the party, but I really should be going.”
“I put some rock candy on the table,” Maud said, apparently oblivious to Shining Armor's attempt to politely leave. The fillies, reasoning that candy is candy, proceeded to investigate this as Maud continued. “Now I'll start the party by reading some of my poetry.”
Before Shining Armor think of an excuse to avoid this, the door burst open and the last pony Shining Armor wanted to see strutted it.
“Guess who's here!” Zephyr Breeze exclaimed as he entered. “That's right, everypony, it's your one and only favorite stallion, moi. I heard there was a party here, and where there is a party, there is Zephyr, and were there is Zephyr, there is a party!”
Shining Armor decided that the lack of a disgusted look, or any other emotion, on Maud's face meant that she was probably okay with Zephyr's presence, and proceeded to grab the fillies and slip out of the “party” unnoticed by Maud and Zephyr.
Shining Armor was tired. He had planned to get a few hours of shut-eye before Princess Celestia arrived, but two insurmountable obstacles had prevented this. First, Zephyr seemed to believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that there was a party happening in the library, and that this party would last all night long. Maud had also remained in the library through the night, though Shining Armor was not sure if this was because she was also convinced that their sad gathering was a party, or if prolonged exposure to Zephyr had left her comatose.
The second reason that Shining Armor had been unable to sleep was that he had been stuck supervising Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom, who had started calling themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders somewhere around 2 AM, throughout the night. Since at least two-thirds of their legal guardians had needed to stay up working on the last-minute preparations he had foisted upon them, he thought that keeping the fillies out of their manes for the night was the least he could do. He still thought that Scootaloo's claim that Rainbow Dash had adopted her was somewhat dubious, but since it was traditional to stay up through the night before the Summer Sun Celebration anyway, he had decided not to press the matter.
He had met with Princess Celestia when she arrived in Ponyville, but she could tell how tired he was and had insisted that he remain off-duty and let her take care of herself. She had, however, been quite happy to briefly meet the three wide-eyed fillies who had helped him so much before sending them all on their way to enjoy the rest of the night.
And now, so many hours later, the night was almost over. In just moments, Princess Celestia would appear and raise the sun. Then he could drop off his three charges and finally get some sleep.
Yup, he thought as the mayor announced Princess Celestia's arrival. Any moment now.
It's been an awful lot of moments now.
And that's when Nightmare Moon appeared.
Shining Armor was exhausted. He had planned to sleep for many hours after Princess Celestia raised the sun, and really, that still was his plan. Unfortunately, Nightmare Moon had postponed all sun-raising activities indefinitely.
So instead of sleeping, Shining Armor found himself searching for a way to defeat Nightmare Moon. Thoughts of Twily had inspired him to check the library, and he was fortunate enough to find Maud there once again, as it turned out she had recently been researching the Elements of Harmony, the very relics which Princess Celestia had used to banish Nightmare Moon a millennium ago, because they were “very interesting rocks.” However, he was also unlucky enough to Zephyr, who alternated between being determined to stick with Shining Armor for protection and being determined to stick with Shining Armor for adventure.
And to make matters even worse, the combination of the chaos of Nightmare Moon's return, the urgency of defeating her, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders' determination to help had made it impossible to find any other responsible adult to take them while Shining Armor searched for the Elements of Harmony. But as much as he hated to bring three young fillies into danger, he did have to admit that they were better company than Zephyr and Maud, and he was technically more qualified to keep them safe than anypony else in town.
And so it was that after several hours of danger, adventure, battle, and a general lacking of sleep that Shining Armor and his companions found themselves facing down Nightmare Moon in an ancient castle with the Elements of Harmony in their hooves.
“Can you please figure out how to use those things soon?” Shining Armor said, the strain obvious in his voice. “I don't think my shield can hold her for much longer.”
“Sorry,” Scootaloo said, “but there aren't exactly any 'fire magic rainbow' buttons on them.”
Maud closed her eyes and began to recite from memory. “The Elements of Harmony can only be used by ponies who exemplify the virtues they each stand for, and only when those ponies are good friends.”
“Well, I know we haven't know each other for long,” Apple Bloom said, “But I already feel like I've been friends with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle for years.” The two other fillies nodded their heads in agreement.
“And I think you're a good friend too, Shining Armor,” Sweetie Belle added. “We had a lot of fun with you yesterday.”
“Thanks, girls. I don't mind calling you friends either. But please hurry up.”
“And Maud, you're...okay,” Scootaloo added lamely.
“Thank you, Scootaloo. That's the nicest thing anyone I'm not related to has ever said to me.”
“Wait, really?” Scootaloo said in surprise.
“So we're all good there,” Shining said impatiently. “Now what are the virtues?”
“First is Loyalty,” Maud said, pointing at the corresponding element, which Sweetie Belle rolled to Shining Armor, “Honesty,” this one was pushed to Maud, “Generosity,” Apple Bloom took this one, “Magic,” which Sweetie Belle, the only other unicorn, took, “Laughter,” which ended up with Scootaloo, “and Kindness.”
The ponies all stared at the final Element. “I don't suppose that one pony can use two of them, can they?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Not unless they're an alicorn,” Maud answered.
The five ponies turned to look at their final traveling companion. Or at least his tail, which was all they could see poking out from behind his hiding spot.
“You're sure none of us can use more than one of them?”
“Definitely.”
“Drat. Hey, Zephyr, take this thing and point it at the bad mare,” Scootaloo said as she shoved the final Element to Zephyr, who reluctantly took it and emerged from his hiding spot.
“All right, gang, let's hope for the best.” Shining said with all the confidence he could muster. “On the count of three, I bring down my shield. One. Two. Three!”
Nightmare Moon was kind enough to let them live.
The two pegasi departed with a salute, leaving Shining Armor to fend for himself in unfamiliar and potentially hostile territory. Fortunately, his years of guard training had prepared him for exactly such a situation. So after taking only the shortest of pauses to adjust his armor, he asked a small filly for help.
“Excuse me, I am Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard. Can you please direct me to,” he paused to check his list, “Zephyr Breeze?”
The filly's eyes lit up as he spoke. Shining Armor was not unaccustomed to this. It was a common reaction from fillies and colts who hoped to someday join the guard. He himself was once one of those colts. “Are you here to finally arrest Zephyr?” That, however, was a considerably less common reaction. Especially when said with so much excitement.
“No, I am here to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. I was told that he is the pony in charge of the event.”
The filly, an orange and purple pegasus with a scooter, sighed and looked down as she spoke. “Yeah, he is.”
Oh no,Shining Armor thought. Surely he couldn't be. Not in Equestria. Not in a town like this. As important as Shining Armor's assignment was, he knew that other things were more important. He crouched down to the filly's level. “What's your name?”
“Scootaloo.”
“Okay. Scootaloo, look, I'm a royal guard. You can tell me anything you need to, and I can promise that nothing bad will happen, and everything will be okay. So please tell me, is Zephyr...hurting you?”
Scootaloo's head snapped upright. “What‽ No! It's nothing like that! He hasn't actually done anything illegal, as far as I know. I was just hoping that maybe you know something that I don't.”
Shining Armor stood up straight again. “But if you don't think he's done anything wrong, why do want him to be arrested?”
“Basically, Zephyr is the worst.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“He's just terrible.” Scootaloo sighed again. “Look, if you really want to meet him, just come with me and I'll take you to him. Then you'll see what I mean.”
Zephyr Breeze held up his hoof as Shining Armor approached him. “Yeah, I think we can do that for them. We'll talk soon,” he said as a unicorn mare transcribed his words. “Okay, send that off.” Zephyr put his hoof down and turned to face Shining Armor as the mare walked away.
“Hello, I'm—”
“There's nopony I have to send that letter to,” Zephyr interrupted. “But soon, there will be. Welcome to the Dreamatorium, aka the headquarters of Entertainment 720. We got a pool table, a ping-pong table, a couch with a ceiling on it, in-house DJ, DJ PON-3, and best of all, former Wonderbolt Deadlift Shrimp is on retainer. What's up, Deadlift?”
“Zephyr, what does this business do, exactly?” Shining Armor asked as Deadlift walked over.
“As little as possible,” Scootaloo mumbled.
“It's a multimedia entertainment production conglomerate,” Zephyr replied.
“I don't know. You have a lot of overhead here,” Deadlift said doubtfully. “Have you ever thought about scaling back a bit and focusing on building your client base?”
Zephyr gave a fake laugh. “Thanks a lot, For Bits Magazine, but we didn't hire you to give use business advice; we hired you to look pretty and fly stunts. So why don't you head over there and do your thing? We want people to see you when they come in, Deadlift.” Deadlift shrugged and took to the air.
Zephyr turned back to Shining Armor. “We're living the dream.”
“Uh–huh. You are the one in charge of the festivities for the Summer Sun Celebration, right?”
“Of course I am. You'd be crazy to go to anypony besides Entertainment 720 for all of your entertainment needs. Don't worry, bro. I've got it all taken care of.”
“Well, I'd still like to see what you've done, just to make sure that everything is in order.”
“Of course it's in order. Look at this, we've got vaporized cider.” Zephyr sprayed a vaguely apple-scented mist in Shining Armor's face.
“And that's for the celebration?”
“No, that's just the type of thing we've got here at Entertainment 720, because we're just that hip.”
“I see.”
“And look over here. We've got models to spare!”
“Is that one wearing a rainbow wig?”
Scootaloo facehooved. “Don't ask.”
“Of course she is. Is there any mane quite so beautiful as Rainbow?” Zephyr's eyes glossed over as he stared at the indifferent mare. Shining had a feeling that this was similar to the expression his friends told him he got when he thought about Cadance. Only creepier.
Shining Armor turned to Scootaloo and lowered his voice so that Zephyr couldn't hear. “Nothing is ready for the celebration, is it?”
“Nothing I'd want a princess to see.”
“How about this: if you help me throw something together today, I'll see if I can't get an auditor or two to come down and give this place a look.”
Scootaloo smiled like an orphan who just found out she was getting adopted by a princess. “Don't worry, Shining. We'll get this done in ten seconds flat.
“Okay, so Rainbow Dash has taken care of the weather, the Apples have food covered, the Pony Tones will be providing music, and simply moving the event outside means we don't need to do any more decorating. I think that should be sufficient.” Shining Armor put his list away and looked at his companions. “Now the only question is what to do with you three.”
“You could make us Ponyville's official detachment of the Royal Guard,” Scootaloo suggested.
“Or maybe get us our own suits of shining armor, no pun intended.” This suggestion came from Sweetie Belle, who had quickly befriended Scootaloo while Shining Armor made plans for the Pony Tones with her sister, Rarity.
“Or you could at least teach us how to use that cool sword you have,” said Apple Bloom, another friend who the fillies had made while Shining Armor made catering arrangements with the Apples.
Shining Armor chuckled. “Sorry, Apple Bloom, but if there's one thing that having a younger sister has taught me, it's that I shouldn't trust cute little fillies with sharp objects. That, and how to build a book fort, but I think Twily is pretty unique there. And while I am thrilled that you three have decided that you want to join the Royal Guard, I don't think I can do much with your other suggestions until you're older either.”
The fillies shuffled their hooves in embarrassment. “Actually, it's not that we want to be royal guards, exactly,” Scootaloo said.
“We're really just interested in getting our cutie marks for now.” Apple Bloom continued.
“And we won't know if guarding or swordplay are our special talents unless we try, right?” Sweetie Bell added.
Shining Armor rolled his eyes. He remembered his own quests for a cutie mark as a child. “I suppose not, but if you really want to try to get swords for cutie marks, you'll have to talk to your parents. There is no way I'm getting myself involved in that again.
The three fillies frowned as their hopes and dreams were shattered before their eyes. Instinctively, they each turned to every young pony's ultimate trump card.
“Sorry girls, but your cute little pouts aren't going to work on me. I have a younger sister, remember? No, tearing up is not going to help. No, that won't—fine, how about this: I'll go drop off my armor, and then I'll take you out for ice cream to thank you for all the help you've given me today. What do you say?”
The fillies broke off their stares and formed a huddle. “What do you think, girls?” Apple Bloom asked.
“I say we take the deal,” Sweetie Belle said. “We can't just turn down ice cream.”
“Yeah, but then we won't get to play with swords and find our cutie marks,” Scootaloo countered.
“The swords were a long shot anyway,” Apple Bloom added. “The ice cream is guaranteed. Besides, maybe we'll get ice cream-eating cutie marks.”
“I've never gotten a cutie mark when I've eaten ice cream before,” Scootaloo said doubtfully.
“Well, maybe you were doing it wrong,” Sweetie Belle suggested.
“How do you eat ice cream wrong?” Scootaloo asked.
“I'll tell you what,” Shining Armor interrupted. “I'll also make sure you meet a princess or two tomorrow.”
“DEAL!” the fillies exclaimed as one.
“All right then,” Shining Armor said with a laugh. “Come on; I'm staying at the library, which I believe is just up ahead.”
“Hello?” Shining Armor called out as he entered the library. “Is anypony here?” He took the silence as an answer. “Doesn't this town have a librarian? And why is it so dark in here? The sun hasn't even set yet.”
The room was suddenly illuminated, revealing a gray earth pony. “Surprise,” she said in a dull monotone voice.
Shining Armor paused, awaiting any further explanation, but after several seconds, it became apparent that none was forthcoming. “Excuse me? Who are you? What exactly is the surprise here?”
“My name is Maud. This is your surprise party,” she said in the same drab voice. “My sister throws one for every new pony in town. Her Pinkie Sense told her you would be coming, but she had to go to Griffonstone to teach the griffons how to bake properly, so left me in charge of this party. I hope you enjoy it.”
Shining Armor looked around the large central room of the library. The only ponies there besides himself and Maud were Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom, who had entered the library when they heard what they were disappointed to learn was not the start of a Pinkie Pie Party. There also did not appear to be any food, games, decorations, or anything else one would expect to find at a welcome party. In short, these festivities appeared to be just as extensive as those handled by Zephyr Breeze.
“Well, I can see that this is quite the party, but I really should be going.”
“I put some rock candy on the table,” Maud said, apparently oblivious to Shining Armor's attempt to politely leave. The fillies, reasoning that candy is candy, proceeded to investigate this as Maud continued. “Now I'll start the party by reading some of my poetry.”
Before Shining Armor think of an excuse to avoid this, the door burst open and the last pony Shining Armor wanted to see strutted it.
“Guess who's here!” Zephyr Breeze exclaimed as he entered. “That's right, everypony, it's your one and only favorite stallion, moi. I heard there was a party here, and where there is a party, there is Zephyr, and were there is Zephyr, there is a party!”
Shining Armor decided that the lack of a disgusted look, or any other emotion, on Maud's face meant that she was probably okay with Zephyr's presence, and proceeded to grab the fillies and slip out of the “party” unnoticed by Maud and Zephyr.
Shining Armor was tired. He had planned to get a few hours of shut-eye before Princess Celestia arrived, but two insurmountable obstacles had prevented this. First, Zephyr seemed to believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that there was a party happening in the library, and that this party would last all night long. Maud had also remained in the library through the night, though Shining Armor was not sure if this was because she was also convinced that their sad gathering was a party, or if prolonged exposure to Zephyr had left her comatose.
The second reason that Shining Armor had been unable to sleep was that he had been stuck supervising Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom, who had started calling themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders somewhere around 2 AM, throughout the night. Since at least two-thirds of their legal guardians had needed to stay up working on the last-minute preparations he had foisted upon them, he thought that keeping the fillies out of their manes for the night was the least he could do. He still thought that Scootaloo's claim that Rainbow Dash had adopted her was somewhat dubious, but since it was traditional to stay up through the night before the Summer Sun Celebration anyway, he had decided not to press the matter.
He had met with Princess Celestia when she arrived in Ponyville, but she could tell how tired he was and had insisted that he remain off-duty and let her take care of herself. She had, however, been quite happy to briefly meet the three wide-eyed fillies who had helped him so much before sending them all on their way to enjoy the rest of the night.
And now, so many hours later, the night was almost over. In just moments, Princess Celestia would appear and raise the sun. Then he could drop off his three charges and finally get some sleep.
Yup, he thought as the mayor announced Princess Celestia's arrival. Any moment now.
It's been an awful lot of moments now.
And that's when Nightmare Moon appeared.
Shining Armor was exhausted. He had planned to sleep for many hours after Princess Celestia raised the sun, and really, that still was his plan. Unfortunately, Nightmare Moon had postponed all sun-raising activities indefinitely.
So instead of sleeping, Shining Armor found himself searching for a way to defeat Nightmare Moon. Thoughts of Twily had inspired him to check the library, and he was fortunate enough to find Maud there once again, as it turned out she had recently been researching the Elements of Harmony, the very relics which Princess Celestia had used to banish Nightmare Moon a millennium ago, because they were “very interesting rocks.” However, he was also unlucky enough to Zephyr, who alternated between being determined to stick with Shining Armor for protection and being determined to stick with Shining Armor for adventure.
And to make matters even worse, the combination of the chaos of Nightmare Moon's return, the urgency of defeating her, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders' determination to help had made it impossible to find any other responsible adult to take them while Shining Armor searched for the Elements of Harmony. But as much as he hated to bring three young fillies into danger, he did have to admit that they were better company than Zephyr and Maud, and he was technically more qualified to keep them safe than anypony else in town.
And so it was that after several hours of danger, adventure, battle, and a general lacking of sleep that Shining Armor and his companions found themselves facing down Nightmare Moon in an ancient castle with the Elements of Harmony in their hooves.
“Can you please figure out how to use those things soon?” Shining Armor said, the strain obvious in his voice. “I don't think my shield can hold her for much longer.”
“Sorry,” Scootaloo said, “but there aren't exactly any 'fire magic rainbow' buttons on them.”
Maud closed her eyes and began to recite from memory. “The Elements of Harmony can only be used by ponies who exemplify the virtues they each stand for, and only when those ponies are good friends.”
“Well, I know we haven't know each other for long,” Apple Bloom said, “But I already feel like I've been friends with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle for years.” The two other fillies nodded their heads in agreement.
“And I think you're a good friend too, Shining Armor,” Sweetie Belle added. “We had a lot of fun with you yesterday.”
“Thanks, girls. I don't mind calling you friends either. But please hurry up.”
“And Maud, you're...okay,” Scootaloo added lamely.
“Thank you, Scootaloo. That's the nicest thing anyone I'm not related to has ever said to me.”
“Wait, really?” Scootaloo said in surprise.
“So we're all good there,” Shining said impatiently. “Now what are the virtues?”
“First is Loyalty,” Maud said, pointing at the corresponding element, which Sweetie Belle rolled to Shining Armor, “Honesty,” this one was pushed to Maud, “Generosity,” Apple Bloom took this one, “Magic,” which Sweetie Belle, the only other unicorn, took, “Laughter,” which ended up with Scootaloo, “and Kindness.”
The ponies all stared at the final Element. “I don't suppose that one pony can use two of them, can they?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Not unless they're an alicorn,” Maud answered.
The five ponies turned to look at their final traveling companion. Or at least his tail, which was all they could see poking out from behind his hiding spot.
“You're sure none of us can use more than one of them?”
“Definitely.”
“Drat. Hey, Zephyr, take this thing and point it at the bad mare,” Scootaloo said as she shoved the final Element to Zephyr, who reluctantly took it and emerged from his hiding spot.
“All right, gang, let's hope for the best.” Shining said with all the confidence he could muster. “On the count of three, I bring down my shield. One. Two. Three!”
Nightmare Moon was kind enough to let them live.
Huh. More Zephyr Breeze. Didn’t expect him to show up so much this month.
“Again.” Implying Twilight tried to get a cutie mark in swordsponyship. There’s a story there.
Certainly an entertaining take on the “alternate Bearers” subgenre. Though the title does spoil things. I definitely would’ve made use of how Magic only appeared during the pivotal moment, though. Have the team of five super-confident… up until either Maud or Nightmare Moon points out how there are actually six Elements.
Still, quite entertaining.
“Again.” Implying Twilight tried to get a cutie mark in swordsponyship. There’s a story there.
Certainly an entertaining take on the “alternate Bearers” subgenre. Though the title does spoil things. I definitely would’ve made use of how Magic only appeared during the pivotal moment, though. Have the team of five super-confident… up until either Maud or Nightmare Moon points out how there are actually six Elements.
Still, quite entertaining.
It took me until the very end of the story to really figure out what was going on and when this fits with the series. Probably because I'm dumb.
With that in mind, the title doesn't really have much to do with the story, and as has been pointed out, only serves to spoil the ending. I can get on board with crapping all over Zephyr, and I cackled at the Parks and Rec scene at the start, but maybe something that is more directly related to the premise would do better?
Okay, but I did legitimately laugh out loud when I read this part.
With that in mind, the title doesn't really have much to do with the story, and as has been pointed out, only serves to spoil the ending. I can get on board with crapping all over Zephyr, and I cackled at the Parks and Rec scene at the start, but maybe something that is more directly related to the premise would do better?
“Okay. Scootaloo, look, I'm a royal guard. You can tell me anything you need to, and I can promise that nothing bad will happen, and everything will be okay. So please tell me, is Zephyr...hurting you?”
Scootaloo's head snapped upright. “What‽ No! It's nothing like that! He hasn't actually done anything illegal, as far as I know. I was just hoping that maybe you know something that I don't.”
Shining Armor stood up straight again. “But if you don't think he's done anything wrong, why do want him to be arrested?”
“Basically, Zephyr is the worst.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“He's just terrible.”
Okay, but I did legitimately laugh out loud when I read this part.
>>Posh
It's funny because I was going to complain this leans a bit too heavily on Zephyr = Jean-Ralphio or however you spelled his name to the point of basically ripping the entire scene off with ponies subbed in. Use Entertainment 720 or whatever if you want, but I'd advise spinning the idea into your own version rather than straight up doing P&R wholesale.
Anyhow yea, title spoiler kinda hurt this too. It could be...ok, but at the same time, for me? One episode of Zephyr Breeze is all the Zephyr I need for like, forever. I won't hold that against you but it leaves me biased against the story.
The ending line did get a chuckle though, even if I saw it coming. And the CMC were great.
It's funny because I was going to complain this leans a bit too heavily on Zephyr = Jean-Ralphio or however you spelled his name to the point of basically ripping the entire scene off with ponies subbed in. Use Entertainment 720 or whatever if you want, but I'd advise spinning the idea into your own version rather than straight up doing P&R wholesale.
Anyhow yea, title spoiler kinda hurt this too. It could be...ok, but at the same time, for me? One episode of Zephyr Breeze is all the Zephyr I need for like, forever. I won't hold that against you but it leaves me biased against the story.
The ending line did get a chuckle though, even if I saw it coming. And the CMC were great.
Well, I liked the tales of Shining Armor, the foalmancer. Also, kudos on the proper interrobang symbol.
Full disclosure here. I really like stories about different sets of Mane 6 taking over the roles of Element Bearers, they're a guilty pleasure of mine. And I've to say I didn't feel guilty about liking this story.
On the plus side, the CMC were great and had loveable interaction, Shining Armor fulfilled his role as the sane(r) pony, Maud was mauddeningly entertaining as always. And Zephyr was, well, Zephyr.
Now, on the other hand, I don't think you exploited this concept as far as you could've. Time constraing, writer's block, I don't know, but the sudden shift in narration from first person to "let's recount all the events as fast as possible so we can get to the showdown with Nightmare Moon" really is a heavy strike against the story.
I believe with a little more polishing and a little bit of expansion so every alternate bearer can get a better moment to shine, you can have a fun little AU fic that will probably spawn its own verse with throes of people making spin-off sequels to it by rewriting the show with the new M6.
Full disclosure here. I really like stories about different sets of Mane 6 taking over the roles of Element Bearers, they're a guilty pleasure of mine. And I've to say I didn't feel guilty about liking this story.
On the plus side, the CMC were great and had loveable interaction, Shining Armor fulfilled his role as the sane(r) pony, Maud was mauddeningly entertaining as always. And Zephyr was, well, Zephyr.
Now, on the other hand, I don't think you exploited this concept as far as you could've. Time constraing, writer's block, I don't know, but the sudden shift in narration from first person to "let's recount all the events as fast as possible so we can get to the showdown with Nightmare Moon" really is a heavy strike against the story.
I believe with a little more polishing and a little bit of expansion so every alternate bearer can get a better moment to shine, you can have a fun little AU fic that will probably spawn its own verse with throes of people making spin-off sequels to it by rewriting the show with the new M6.
>>Morning Sun I would agree with you about overplaying the Parks and Rec stuff if it weren't confined to one scene. Like, if Zephyr's entire role in the story was to just be Tom or Jean-Ralphio, then yes, that would have been distracting and annoying and would have gotten old quickly. References like that get tedious if they're overplayed, or if the story isn't intended to be a parody of some other media.
This one, I thought was okay. And I'm speaking as someone who didn't particularly care for Tom's character until after his company failed and he grew up (and as someone who loathed Jean-Ralphio).
This one, I thought was okay. And I'm speaking as someone who didn't particularly care for Tom's character until after his company failed and he grew up (and as someone who loathed Jean-Ralphio).
The Great
There is some really funny dialogue and character interaction in there.
Opening is pretty solid tone setter.
The Rough
This just really didn't work for me.
The Parks and Rec nod bit is just way too on the nose. It's a good idea for a joke, but would be played better if you sort of took it in its own direction (or at least further obscured what you were doing). I have been rewatching the show recently, so it really stuck out. That said, it was a good riff on it. I just would much rather see the pull be more subtle if you really wanted to do it.
The story's arc is very weak. What makes the first episode of MLP tick is that it establishes the conflict right off the bat: Twilight is worried about Nightmare Moon, Celestia tells her to chill and prep for the festival. Immediate conflict. Twilight is worried about NMM, but also has to deal with the insanity of Ponyville, so everything kind of builds off that.
It promises something at the beginning (NMM is coming back!), builds tension by not giving Twilight the space to address it, then delivers with her arrival and the subsequent adventure to defeat her. This story doesn't really do that. The conflict, in narrative terms, emerges out of nowhere.
You have a cute idea here, but it doesn't really shine until the very end. You might actually consider -starting- there and building out from that point, instead. What are the consequences of this terrible Mane 6? How does the world change because of it? Basically, lead with the strongest element of your story. Using it as a punchline, while worth a chuckle, falls a bit flat because it is expected. Zephyr is established as a chump, so he chumps.
Instead using that as the groundwork for a story might provide richer material for you to work with.
There is some really funny dialogue and character interaction in there.
Opening is pretty solid tone setter.
The Rough
This just really didn't work for me.
The Parks and Rec nod bit is just way too on the nose. It's a good idea for a joke, but would be played better if you sort of took it in its own direction (or at least further obscured what you were doing). I have been rewatching the show recently, so it really stuck out. That said, it was a good riff on it. I just would much rather see the pull be more subtle if you really wanted to do it.
The story's arc is very weak. What makes the first episode of MLP tick is that it establishes the conflict right off the bat: Twilight is worried about Nightmare Moon, Celestia tells her to chill and prep for the festival. Immediate conflict. Twilight is worried about NMM, but also has to deal with the insanity of Ponyville, so everything kind of builds off that.
It promises something at the beginning (NMM is coming back!), builds tension by not giving Twilight the space to address it, then delivers with her arrival and the subsequent adventure to defeat her. This story doesn't really do that. The conflict, in narrative terms, emerges out of nowhere.
You have a cute idea here, but it doesn't really shine until the very end. You might actually consider -starting- there and building out from that point, instead. What are the consequences of this terrible Mane 6? How does the world change because of it? Basically, lead with the strongest element of your story. Using it as a punchline, while worth a chuckle, falls a bit flat because it is expected. Zephyr is established as a chump, so he chumps.
Instead using that as the groundwork for a story might provide richer material for you to work with.
Zephyr Ruins Everything — B- — Odd, to have two Zephyr Breeze stories on my slate in a row. It wobbles a lot at the beginning while the reader is trying to figure out just what the story is about. Retelling the first two episodes? (pause) Oh, with the siblings of the original cast. Ding! (Took me a bit) Suffering from Fast Forward syndrome too. However, I do think the ending is divinely inspired.
Zephyr Ruins Everything Retrospective
Can you tell that I was a little rushed when I wrote this story? And by "a little rushed" I mean I wrote the entire thing in the last six hours before the deadline.
So let's go over all the problems that are purely a result of me not having enough time:
* The scenes where Shining meets Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were cut.
* Zephyr's introduction scene didn't get much beyond the Parks and Rec reference.
* Zephyr generally did not get enough screentime to show off how terrible he is and make everypony hate him.
* Anything that might have happened between the welcome party and Nightmare Moon's return was cut.
* The scene where Nightmare Moon returns was turned into little more than a summary of what was cut from the previous point.
* The journey through the Everfree Forest and everything else between Nightmare Moon's return and the final showdown (which I suppose was most of the second episode) was cut.
* While it is part of the previous point, I want to give the Shadowbolt scene a special mention, because I really wanted to write about the Shadowbolts trying to tempt Maud away by pointing out that the moon is a rock.
* The final showdown turned into just a bit of summary and some "let's see what these Elements can do."
* I had no idea who to give which Elements to, so most of them were assigned randomly.
* Probably a few other things that are slipping my mind at the moment.
So does that cover all of the problems with this story? Probably not, but I think it at least hits all of the big ones.
Well, there is still what is, in my experience, the biggest problem with writing comedy: no one can agree about which parts are good and which parts aren't. So I'm forced to just ignore all the comments and do what I want. :p
But in all seriousness, I do appreciate all of the comments I received, even when they couldn't agree with each other.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I don't think anyone did. But I'm sure the fact that "The Darkest Hour" made more people think about Zephyr than Nightmare Moon must mean something.
I intended to leave that as a noodle incident, but I suppose it could be an entertaining story. I'll have to keep it in mind.
Yeah, I couldn't think of a better title in the time that I had.
I did have something more like that in mind for the final scene, but I didn't think I had a good enough idea of how it would go to get it written in time, so I went with something quicker and easier, though admittedly not as good.
Oh good. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
>>Posh
And here I was worried that opening with a joke about child abuse would be a bad idea. I'm glad you liked the story!
>>Morning Sun
I would have liked to do more with that scene, but with the deadline approaching much faster than I would have liked, I basically just stuck with the minimum I had to do to make the scene work.
I don't blame you. After all, the entire message of this story is basically "Zephyr is terrible."
And I noticed that you still liked the other Zephyr story. ;p
Thanks. I'm glad that at least those parts worked for you.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Looks like I've found my target audience. I'm glad you enjoyed all of that.
Once again, I'm definitely blaming all of that on a lack of time. I realized it was a problem as I was writing it, but there wasn't much I could do about it.
Thanks! That's one of the oddest sweetest things anyone has ever said about something I've written. I don't know how I would feel about people writing spin-off stories of something I wrote. I suppose I would feel honored, but it would be weird. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before.
Besides, if I do ever polish this thing up and publish it, I'll probably be the one who gets to recreate all the other episodes.
>>AndrewRogue
Yup. Those sound like the good parts to me too.
:'(
My experiences around here have taught me that writeoffs and subtlety do not get along very well. Yes, I would have liked to do a bit more with that scene, but I had other scenes to write instead, and it still worked for some people.
I hadn't thought about it like that. You make some good points, and I'll keep them in mind.
However, I think you might not be giving me quite enough credit. Because this is a retelling of a story we all already know, we all know that Nightmare Moon is going to show up soon, even if the characters don't. Ideally, the readers will see that Zephyr is obviously being set up to be one of the mane six, but also see that he is terrible and no one will ever like him. This will add tension for the readers, and it and Zephyr's general awfulness will add conflict. Yes, it gets meta, but I think it can work.
Admittedly, there wasn't actually enough time for most of that to happen, so I can understand your disatisfation with the story. But do you at least think that my idea has merit?
I thought you liked the beginning, not the end. Can you explain why you think the end shines? Because I think it's pretty rushed and lackluster at the moment. Is it just that you're interested in knowing what the consequences will be? If so, that's probably a problem, since most of those consequences probably won't show up until any sequels that could hypothetically arise from this.
>>georg
How do you think I felt when I wrote one of those stories and then found the other one on my slate?
I tried to make it obvious from the beginning that this was a retelling of the first two episodes. Hence Shining flying to Ponyville in a chariot pulled by two pegasi to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. I didn't mind if it took some time to realize that all of the mane six were replaced by their siblings. In fact, I think it might be better that way, because the reader gets an aha moment and feels smart when they figure it out. Of course, that might work better if I gave all of them their own scenes in my version of the first episode, but there wasn't enough time.
Yes, it is. But again, there wasn't enough time. I'm glad, and a bit surprised, that you liked the ending so much though.
Once again, thank you to everyone who read or commented on this story. I'm thrilled that you all (mostly) liked it. However this ranks, I'm counting it as a personal victory.
Can you tell that I was a little rushed when I wrote this story? And by "a little rushed" I mean I wrote the entire thing in the last six hours before the deadline.
So let's go over all the problems that are purely a result of me not having enough time:
* The scenes where Shining meets Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were cut.
* Zephyr's introduction scene didn't get much beyond the Parks and Rec reference.
* Zephyr generally did not get enough screentime to show off how terrible he is and make everypony hate him.
* Anything that might have happened between the welcome party and Nightmare Moon's return was cut.
* The scene where Nightmare Moon returns was turned into little more than a summary of what was cut from the previous point.
* The journey through the Everfree Forest and everything else between Nightmare Moon's return and the final showdown (which I suppose was most of the second episode) was cut.
* While it is part of the previous point, I want to give the Shadowbolt scene a special mention, because I really wanted to write about the Shadowbolts trying to tempt Maud away by pointing out that the moon is a rock.
* The final showdown turned into just a bit of summary and some "let's see what these Elements can do."
* I had no idea who to give which Elements to, so most of them were assigned randomly.
* Probably a few other things that are slipping my mind at the moment.
So does that cover all of the problems with this story? Probably not, but I think it at least hits all of the big ones.
Well, there is still what is, in my experience, the biggest problem with writing comedy: no one can agree about which parts are good and which parts aren't. So I'm forced to just ignore all the comments and do what I want. :p
But in all seriousness, I do appreciate all of the comments I received, even when they couldn't agree with each other.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Huh. More Zephyr Breeze. Didn’t expect him to show up so much this month.
I don't think anyone did. But I'm sure the fact that "The Darkest Hour" made more people think about Zephyr than Nightmare Moon must mean something.
“Again.” Implying Twilight tried to get a cutie mark in swordsponyship. There’s a story there.
I intended to leave that as a noodle incident, but I suppose it could be an entertaining story. I'll have to keep it in mind.
Certainly an entertaining take on the “alternate Bearers” subgenre. Though the title does spoil things. I definitely would’ve made use of how Magic only appeared during the pivotal moment, though. Have the team of five super-confident… up until either Maud or Nightmare Moon points out how there are actually six Elements.
Yeah, I couldn't think of a better title in the time that I had.
I did have something more like that in mind for the final scene, but I didn't think I had a good enough idea of how it would go to get it written in time, so I went with something quicker and easier, though admittedly not as good.
Still, quite entertaining.
Oh good. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
>>Posh
Okay, but I did legitimately laugh out loud when I read this part.
And here I was worried that opening with a joke about child abuse would be a bad idea. I'm glad you liked the story!
>>Morning Sun
It's funny because I was going to complain this leans a bit too heavily on Zephyr = Jean-Ralphio or however you spelled his name to the point of basically ripping the entire scene off with ponies subbed in. Use Entertainment 720 or whatever if you want, but I'd advise spinning the idea into your own version rather than straight up doing P&R wholesale.
I would have liked to do more with that scene, but with the deadline approaching much faster than I would have liked, I basically just stuck with the minimum I had to do to make the scene work.
One episode of Zephyr Breeze is all the Zephyr I need for like, forever. I won't hold that against you but it leaves me biased against the story.
I don't blame you. After all, the entire message of this story is basically "Zephyr is terrible."
And I noticed that you still liked the other Zephyr story. ;p
The ending line did get a chuckle though, even if I saw it coming. And the CMC were great.
Thanks. I'm glad that at least those parts worked for you.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Well, I liked the tales of Shining Armor, the foalmancer. Also, kudos on the proper interrobang symbol.
Full disclosure here. I really like stories about different sets of Mane 6 taking over the roles of Element Bearers, they're a guilty pleasure of mine. And I've to say I didn't feel guilty about liking this story.
On the plus side, the CMC were great and had loveable interaction, Shining Armor fulfilled his role as the sane(r) pony, Maud was mauddeningly entertaining as always. And Zephyr was, well, Zephyr.
Looks like I've found my target audience. I'm glad you enjoyed all of that.
Now, on the other hand, I don't think you exploited this concept as far as you could've. Time constraing, writer's block, I don't know, but the sudden shift in narration from first person to "let's recount all the events as fast as possible so we can get to the showdown with Nightmare Moon" really is a heavy strike against the story.
Once again, I'm definitely blaming all of that on a lack of time. I realized it was a problem as I was writing it, but there wasn't much I could do about it.
I believe with a little more polishing and a little bit of expansion so every alternate bearer can get a better moment to shine, you can have a fun little AU fic that will probably spawn its own verse with throes of people making spin-off sequels to it by rewriting the show with the new M6.
Thanks! That's one of the oddest sweetest things anyone has ever said about something I've written. I don't know how I would feel about people writing spin-off stories of something I wrote. I suppose I would feel honored, but it would be weird. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before.
Besides, if I do ever polish this thing up and publish it, I'll probably be the one who gets to recreate all the other episodes.
>>AndrewRogue
The Great
There is some really funny dialogue and character interaction in there.
Opening is pretty solid tone setter.
Yup. Those sound like the good parts to me too.
The Rough
This just really didn't work for me.
:'(
The Parks and Rec nod bit is just way too on the nose. It's a good idea for a joke, but would be played better if you sort of took it in its own direction (or at least further obscured what you were doing). I have been rewatching the show recently, so it really stuck out. That said, it was a good riff on it. I just would much rather see the pull be more subtle if you really wanted to do it.
My experiences around here have taught me that writeoffs and subtlety do not get along very well. Yes, I would have liked to do a bit more with that scene, but I had other scenes to write instead, and it still worked for some people.
The story's arc is very weak. What makes the first episode of MLP tick is that it establishes the conflict right off the bat: Twilight is worried about Nightmare Moon, Celestia tells her to chill and prep for the festival. Immediate conflict. Twilight is worried about NMM, but also has to deal with the insanity of Ponyville, so everything kind of builds off that.
It promises something at the beginning (NMM is coming back!), builds tension by not giving Twilight the space to address it, then delivers with her arrival and the subsequent adventure to defeat her. This story doesn't really do that. The conflict, in narrative terms, emerges out of nowhere.
I hadn't thought about it like that. You make some good points, and I'll keep them in mind.
However, I think you might not be giving me quite enough credit. Because this is a retelling of a story we all already know, we all know that Nightmare Moon is going to show up soon, even if the characters don't. Ideally, the readers will see that Zephyr is obviously being set up to be one of the mane six, but also see that he is terrible and no one will ever like him. This will add tension for the readers, and it and Zephyr's general awfulness will add conflict. Yes, it gets meta, but I think it can work.
Admittedly, there wasn't actually enough time for most of that to happen, so I can understand your disatisfation with the story. But do you at least think that my idea has merit?
You have a cute idea here, but it doesn't really shine until the very end. You might actually consider -starting- there and building out from that point, instead. What are the consequences of this terrible Mane 6? How does the world change because of it? Basically, lead with the strongest element of your story. Using it as a punchline, while worth a chuckle, falls a bit flat because it is expected. Zephyr is established as a chump, so he chumps.
Instead using that as the groundwork for a story might provide richer material for you to work with.
I thought you liked the beginning, not the end. Can you explain why you think the end shines? Because I think it's pretty rushed and lackluster at the moment. Is it just that you're interested in knowing what the consequences will be? If so, that's probably a problem, since most of those consequences probably won't show up until any sequels that could hypothetically arise from this.
>>georg
Zephyr Ruins Everything — B- — Odd, to have two Zephyr Breeze stories on my slate in a row.
How do you think I felt when I wrote one of those stories and then found the other one on my slate?
It wobbles a lot at the beginning while the reader is trying to figure out just what the story is about. Retelling the first two episodes? (pause) Oh, with the siblings of the original cast. Ding! (Took me a bit)
I tried to make it obvious from the beginning that this was a retelling of the first two episodes. Hence Shining flying to Ponyville in a chariot pulled by two pegasi to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. I didn't mind if it took some time to realize that all of the mane six were replaced by their siblings. In fact, I think it might be better that way, because the reader gets an aha moment and feels smart when they figure it out. Of course, that might work better if I gave all of them their own scenes in my version of the first episode, but there wasn't enough time.
Suffering from Fast Forward syndrome too. However, I do think the ending is divinely inspired.
Yes, it is. But again, there wasn't enough time. I'm glad, and a bit surprised, that you liked the ending so much though.
Once again, thank you to everyone who read or commented on this story. I'm thrilled that you all (mostly) liked it. However this ranks, I'm counting it as a personal victory.