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The Darkest Hour · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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Magic is Friendship [Part #1]
WARNING: First part of a longer story. I apologize. :/ Submitted nevertheless, in the hope you may still enjoy what’s been written yet. Obviously not seriously competing for any slot.

***


…And harmony has been maintained ever since.

Twilight Sparkle closed the book and raised her head. “Elements of harmony?” She chucked the book aside and snuffed the light from the tip of her horn. “Blah blah blah. What bullshit is this?” She lounged against the trunk of tree she was sitting under and looked absentmindedly at the sky. It was a beautiful afternoon and the moon was riding high. Its radiance was such that it was casting dark shadows on the ground. Princess Luna had probably ramped up the energy feed that helped maintain the cold body’s luminosity.

A remote sound of hooves shook her from her reverie. She looked down and squinted. Far away, over the backdrop of Equestria’s capital city buildings, two shapes were galloping towards her. It was too late to sneak away, unless she abandoned all her picnic stuff here. She sighed. This didn’t bode anything pleasant, but she’d better take it easy, so she picked up a long stalk of grass and bit it between her teeth. Then she slipped both her forelegs behind her mane and waited.

The two shapes came nearer. Twilight recognized Minuette and Twinkleshine. Fuck it! They’re going to invite me to another of their big yawns AGAIN, I’m sure. Too late to escape… she thought. Indeed, a couple of seconds later, Minuette and Twinkleshine skidded to a halt before a disgruntled Twilight.

“Hey Twilight! We were looking for you! Spike told us we could find you here!” Minuette chirped, panting. The sound of her chirpy, high-pitched voice made Twilight cringe. It conjured up the image of rusty, grating cogs in her mind.

“Yeah,” Twilight answered noncommittally, chewing her stalk. “That dragon’s small but has a big mouth. What of it?”

Minuette simpered and hesitated. She looked around, and her gaze zeroed on to the book Twilight had discarded minutes ago. “You still prefer hanging around with books than friends, eh?” she added and smirked. “What’s this one about?”

“None of your business,” Twilight snapped back.

“Oh come on!” Minuette protested. “Why are you so huffy sometimes?”

“And why don’t you get out of my face in the first place?”

Minuette deflated somewhat. “Are you hiding something? Is it your personal diary?” She took a step towards the book, but Twilight caught it immediately in her magic and shove it into her saddlebag.

“Nah,” Twilight said, “don’t even think about it. Want to know what it is? A frigging heap of bullshit about social cooking in the paleopony period. Meat and bones around the campfire. Get it? Happy?”

Minuette rolled her eyes. “Oh wow. I thought you’d gotten over that stupid joke of ours. We apologised, remember?”

“Yeah, of course, placing a dildo under my sheets the day the Princess comes to inspect the dorm. That was so… delicate of you, girls. So mature.”

“Twilight!” Minuette sighed. “We went over this a thousand times. Time to move on, no? Besides, it’s not our fault if the Princess discovered your collection of posters afterwards.”

Twilight groaned and frowned. “Okay. Let me get this straight: did you come all the way from school just to tell me I should feel bad about being less tight-assed than you? Because, I mean, that’s a long ride to deliver such a pathetic message.”

Twinkleshine giggled. “No. We just wanted to tell you Moondancer is having a get-together later in one of the castle private gardens. Wanna join?”

“Moondancer? Screw her. She can rot in Tartarus for all I care.”

“Why do you hate her so bad? She’s cool… well, a bit… weird sometimes but mostly okay.”

“Can’t stand that egghead,” Twilight retorted. “Always sucking up to the princess in hope of a reward of some sort. Makes me sick.”

“It’s egghead versus egghead,” Twinkleshine let slip. She winked to Minuette.

Twilight jolted her head towards her, glaring daggers. “I’m no egghead, but you are a meathead. Mind the difference. The day you dig that, you’ll—”

“So you’re not coming?” Minuette asked.

“In a pig’s eye!” Twilight answered, turning back her head towards her. “Final.” She closed her eyes, cocked her head upwards and crossed her forelegs in front of her barrel in denial.

“Okay. So—Oh!” Minuette rapped against her head with a hoof. “I almost forgot. Spike wanted to see you. Apparently some message from the Princess has arrived and—”

“WHAT?” Twilight exclaimed. She shot her eyes open and bolted upright. “You couldn’t’ve told me first, rather than all that drivel about Moondancer, you retard?” In the wink of an eye, she had magically picked up all her stuff and put it into her saddlebags. She scooted off flat out, leaving a cloud of dirt in her wake. “See ya, losers!” she yelled, flicking her head back.

***


*


***


Twilight stormed into the big apartment the Princess had allocated to her. “SPIIIIIKE!” she yelled.

Her assistant was perched on the topmost rung of a ladder leaning against one of the many chock-full bookshelves. At Twilight’s cry he yelped and swayed. The ladder slipped over the rug it was set on and collapsed. For an instant, Spike flailed, looking desperately for safe purchase, then fell.

Fortunately, Twilight cushioned his fall in her magic before he crashed on the ground.

“Spike!” she said reprovingly. “I told you never to climb up so high on a ladder when you’re alone. Your wings are still ineffective, and I might not show up next time you fall.”

“But Twi,” Spike protested, looking up to Twilight’s face while rubbing his scales, “I was fetching the book you asked about—”

“We’ll discuss that later,” Twilight interrupted. “Minuette told me you received a message from the Princess?”

“Oh! Yeah! It’s over there on the lectern.” Spike shook his head towards the ancient wooden lectern the unicorn used to write her ample correspondence.

Twilight rushed to it, took hold of the parchment in her magic, broke the seal and unrolled it. She skimmed through it.

Her eyebrows raised. “Stinking horsedung!” she blurted out.

“What is it?” Spike asked.

“Sorry Spike, for my eyes only. The princess is waiting for me. I’ll be back as soon as possible.” She concentrated and vanished in a flash.

***


*


***


“I can’t believe you’d do that to me!” Twilight grumbled. “Is that some form of punishment for… err… what you found under my bed the other day?” She lowered her head and flushed.

Luna snickered. “No, no, Twilight, I swear it’s completely unrelated. It’s just a coincidence.”

“But then… Why me?”

“You’re a natural for this job. You’re shrewd, pert enough and have an innate charisma.”

“Charisma? Me? You must be kidding.”

“Tut tut,” said Luna. “Don’t underestimate your potential.”

“But why exiling me when I’m about to reach the apex of this research I’ve been conducting for months?” Twilight’s eyes watered.

“Oh come on, Twilight! Quit being so melodramatic!” Luna grumbled. “I’m not sending you in exile. I’m sending you off for a couple of nights. Not such a big deal. Ponyville is only twenty leagues away.” She paused. “Do you want me to send you away to keep my sister company?”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Your… sister? You have a sister and you never told me?”

“Well,” sighed Luna, “it’s a long story…”

“Cut to the chase, then,” Twilight said.

Luna sighed again. “Alright,” she conceded. “So, here is the gist. I have a sister, called Celestia. She was responsible for the rising and setting of the sun. She turned rogue for whatever reason I’m still figuring out. It was me or her, so we had it out, she lost, I exiled her and took over her duties. End of story. Is your curiosity slated?”

“Wow!” Twilight whistled. “Must’ve been some sort of armageddon.”

Luna gazed at Twilight with heavy-lidded eyes. “Sorta yeah,” she said, “when she lost her second rook, she knew the game was over.”

“What? You… you settled this over… over…” Twilight hesitated.

“A chessboard, yeah,” Luna finished. “What did you expect?”

“Well…” Twilight scuffed her hoof in small loops, head lowered. “It sounds quite… anticlimactic? I was expecting some sort of ruthless fight, with hot pursuits, buildings crumbling, earth shaking, mountains zapped out of existence by the power of the awesome magic you wield…”

“Oh Twilight, you need to get real! I bet you watched too many cartoons lately. I mean, there was a disagreement between us, but what would the point of destroying half of Equestria be just to sort things out? We were, and still are, responsible princesses, Twilight.”

Twilight nodded. “Oh, I see. May I… I mean—”

“Go ahead,” Luna said. “Don’t pretend to be shy, I won’t buy it.”

“I don’t mean to intrude on your private matters, but what was the nature of the disagreement?” Twilight asked.

“She kept calling me Lulu,” Luna answered.

“Lulu? Mwahaha!” Twilight burst out laughing.

“And you’d better not do the same!” Luna snarled. “Unless you want to follow her.”

Twilight’s laughter died out on the spot.

“So, yeah, she kept calling me this,” Luna continued in a more mellow tone, “and in retaliation I called her Tia. From there things tumbled out of control, and there we are now. Subject closed.”

“So your sister was allegedly responsible for the rising and setting of the sun?” Twilight wondered. “Princess, how long will you keep this pretense up? I mean, everyone knows the celestial bodies move on their own. Gravity and stuff. Why carry on with those stupid legends?”

“It’s a matter of keeping everypony happy, Twilight,” Luna answered. “The layponies like that story, even though brainiacs such as you know it’s make-believe.”

“Uh-huh, I understand.” Twilight paused. Then: “Where is your sister now?” she asked.

“In the sun.”

“In the…” Twilight choked. She coughed several times before regaining her breath. “In the sun?” she resumed.

“Well, I’m still concerned with my sister’s welfare,” Luna answered, and she started pacing around. “The moon’s too cold. The nearest star’s too far away. The planets—who knows what she could’ve done there? Like, she could’ve painted ‘Lulu’ on their surfaces just to drive me wild. So, what was left? At least in the sun she can bake her precious cakes, even if the ingredients are not really fresh.” Twilight detected a tinge of spurn in Luna’s voice.

“Never planned to forgive her?”

“Hmmm…” Luna cleared her throat and shot a glance to a nearby wall clock. “I think it’s time for you to pack up, no? The phaeton is waiting.”

That was a clear dismissal. Twilight bowed and exited without another word.

***


*


***


“There’s something shady about all this Luna stuff,” Twilight said to Spike. They were flying high above the Equestrian countryside, their silvery phaeton pulled by two pegasi of the Royal Guard. The moon was about to set, but there still remained a couple of hours before the sunrise and everypony going to bed.

“What’s shady about supervising the Winter Moon celebration?” asked Spike. “I’d rather consider that an honour. It’s the longest night in the year, after all.”

“Yeah, okay, fine. But why me?” Twilight retorted. “I have about zero charisma. Most of the ponies I meet I find either antipathetic or moronic. The only other pony I seem to get along with is the Princess herself. And then, she insisted in her letter I make friends. Make friends!” She repeated and rapped her foreleg against her temple. ”She’s out of her fu… royal mind. How am I ever supposed to do that?”

Spike scratched his head. “Well maybe it’s not as difficult as you figure it? Take it easy. You’re so tense…”

Twilight shrugged. “All of this feels super-weird.” She looked around and finally leaned over the phaeton’s edge in an attempt to make out the ground below, but most of it was lost to the darkness. “I wish it were just a nightmare.”

At that very moment Spike belched a parchment. Twilight caught it in her magic before it flew away, opened it and rolled her eyes.

“What is it?” Spike asked.

Twilight hoofed the document to Spike. There were only a couple of words written on it: It is not. And it was signed by the Princess.

“And then,” Twilight carried on, “she says something about her sister and the way—”

“Princess Luna has a sister? That’s a new one on me!”

“Yeah and what’s more…” She lowered her voice to a whisper and bent over to Spike’s ear. “She banished her to the sun. But wait…”

“What?” asked Spike.

“I’ve read something in a book earlier today about ‘Elements of Harmony’ or something—”

”Elements of what now?”

“Harmony. Yeah, I know, doesn’t make any sense. But here’s the point: the book was saying the planets would aid somepony in escaping from the sun. What if it was Luna’s sister? And what if all that was somehow connected? I mean, getting sent here, the winter moon celebration, and all that stuff about making friends?”

“I don’t get it,” Spike answered. “How—uh!”

At that moment, the phaeton jerked as the two pegasi nosedived towards the village beneath them. From above, Twilight could see many small, brightly lit houses. Variegated shafts of light leaked through the windows and smeared the ground with fancy colored spots. The pegasi jockeyed the phaeton through the alleys and around the trees until they touched down in a large square right in the middle of the town.

“I guess that’s it,” Twilight sighed. Her ears dropped, and she picked up her luggage. Reluctantly, she stepped down from the carriage, followed by Spike. “Thank you, sirs,” she said to her drivers in a sombre tone. They both neighed in appreciation and took off immediately.

“What now?” asked Twilight to herself. She looked around. She was probably in the town’s central square. The place was lit by elegant, if antiquated, lampposts radiating a diffuse, lambent light. Various ponies were hurrying along past her, without noticing her presence. Apparently, nopony had deemed it important to welcome her, or nopony was aware of her arrival. Her ears drooped again.

“Well, I guess the Princess wants to put us up at the library?” Spike said. “We may as well get directions and drop our stuff inside before we go touring around the village.”

“Yeah,” Twilight replied. “The Golden Oak Library. A library carved into a tree? Do you realize!”

“Realize what?” Spike looked up at Twilight, scratching his head.

“It’s wood, Spike! Wood!” She walked around her assistant. “If ever the tree is struck by lightning, and it starts a fire, nothing could prevent it from burning the library down to ashes!” She stopped and shook her head.

Spike faceclawed. “Come on Twilight. In that part of the country, there’s no thunderstorms in winter!”

“Well, one never knows. In a foreign territory like this, we should take as many precautions as possible.”

Twilight noticed Spike wasn’t listening. Rather, he was looking at the ponies around with beady eyes.

“What’s the matter?” Twilight asked.

“Why do all those ponies have helmets on their heads?” Spike said.

And it was true. Twilight hadn’t really noticed it, but all the ponies were wearing some sort of helmet that covered the top of their heads down to their eyes and muzzle, and ran somewhat lower along their mane. She was still examining the crowd, trying to figure out the reason for that incongruous accessory, when a young mare ambled up to them. She had a dark purple coat, with puffy mane and tail of slightly lighter hue.

“Hi!” she said in a friendly voice. “My name’s Plummy Tart. I know everyone in this town, but I don’t know you, so it must mean you’re new here.”

Twilight grinned. “Hi! I’m Twilight Sparkle, from Canterlot. I’ve been sent here by Princess Luna to supervise the preparation of the winter moon celebration. We’re just staying here a couple of nights.”

“Ooooh!” Plummy Tart replied. “That’s nice! But wait, wait, wait! That calls for… a PARTY!” she shouted.

Twilight took a step backwards. “Errr… Hold your horses, there’s no reason to be stoked like that over my arrival.”

“Oh, don’t take it personally! I throw a party for every newcomer,” Plummy Tart explained. “And they’re usually GOOD because I work at the local bakery!”

“Wow,” Spike said. “Sounds yummy!”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t pay much, alas, and my family is real poor. They own a rock farm somewhere in the outskirts.” She sighed and lowered her head. Her mane and tail seemed to flatten with her sudden change of mood.

“Oh does that mean that during the day—”

“I sunlight, yes,” Plummy Tart answered, looking up to Twilight with pitiful eyes.

“What do you do?” Twilight asked.

“Well I… work at the Fruity’s. It’s a…” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “…brothel,” she finished under her breath.

Twilight’s ears flopped. “Oh my poor thing. Isn’t that too… awful?”

“Hmm?” Plummy Tart was like lost in thought. “Eh? What? Oh no! The mares over here are very delicate and understanding.”

“Mares?” Twilight blurted, taken aback.

“Yes, mares, of course. Why, all the mares are lesbian here. Isn’t it the same in Canterlot?”

“Err…” Twilight grimaced. “Not really…”

“Oh, well…” Plummy said. “Different places, different customs I suppose.”

“Definitely. But—excuse me to ask this, but speaking of customs, I mean, err…”

“Yes?” Plummy sounded curious.

“Why… Why do you all wear helmets?”

“Oh that!” Plummy exclaimed, and she burst out in a clear laughter that somehow sparkled in Twilight a feeling of warmth and coziness. “Why,” she added once she had recovered some composure, “to protect our heads from falling objects of course.”

Twilight looked at Spike, who returned her gaze, shrugging. “Do objects often fall here?” she asked.

“Well every time—” She shot a glance at the clock sitting atop the belfry. “Oh sweet Luna!” she exclaimed. “It’s about to begin! Watch out! HIT THE DECK!”

Almost reflexively, Twilight and Spike flopped to the ground. At that moment, several things happened. First of all, the bell of belfry struck six AM. Then suddenly a loud bang resounded all over the place. It shook the earth, and was accompanied by a sudden flash of iridescent light that briefly illuminated all the surroundings, fading almost as quickly as it had sprung up. Finally, the last echoes of the detonation died out.

Twilight and Spike rose to their feet, completely fazed. “What happened?” asked Spike. He shook his head, his ears still buzzing with the deafening racket.

“Well,” Plummy said. She hesitated. “It’s—”

“ME!” shouted a loud, brash voice behind Twilight, over the characteristic noise of hooves making contact with the ground.

Twilight and Spike spun around to face a mare with bright purple eyes. She had electric blue coat and mane, but what stood out was her coat: a motley patchwork of irregular spots, each one its own color, shimmering in the late moonlight. Twilight had never seen the likes of it before. She was brightly beaming, her wings flared. “Hey noobs!” she almost bayed. “How come you don’t know me? I’m pretty famous around here.” She reached a hoof to her mouth and blew on it.

Twilight could have bet she was looking down on them.

“Are we supposed to?” Twilight answered. Smugness against smugness, she thought. This mare deserves a lesson.

“Of course you are! I am the one and only Iridescent Swoosh, the fastest flyer in all Equestria. Everybody knows me, except hillbillies like you.” She stomped a hoof on the ground.

“Well, if you are, why haven’t you joined the Skypatrol already?” Twilight replied with a feigned coy tone.

“Not yet. Listen to me, purple rube,” Swoosh retorted. “Since you don’t seem to know, in order to join the Skypatrol, speed is not enough. One has to demonstrate a trick nobody’s done before. That’s why I rehearse my number four times a day: pulling off a sonic rainboom as close to the ground as possible. Did you like it?”

”Oh, I see. Regardless of the consequences, right?” Twilight looked around at the helmet-wearing ponies.

“What? Oh that?” She giggled. “What a fuss for just a few flowerpots falling from time to time on the heads of those earthbound crawlers. Really nothing to write home about.”

“Well, my dear Swoosh, the rules have changed. Princess Luna published a new edict yesterday.”

“What!?” Iridescent Swoosh exclaimed. She narrowed her eyes. “How do you possibly know? Are you trying to pull a fast one on me?”

"Okay. Young pup,” Twilight said in a sanctimonious tone, “know then that I am Her Majesty’s personal assistant and—”

“YOU?” Swoosh interrupted. “The princess’s personal assistant? Twilight Sparkle I don’t know who you are but you’re a barrel of laughs! Bwahaha!” She flumped onto the ground, in stitches.

A few seconds later, Spike belched another parchment. Twilight seized on the fly, unrolled it, grinned, and hurled it to Iridescent Swoosh, who was still in the middle of her fit of laughter, lying on her back with her legs wiggling madly in the air.

“What?” she said when the parchment hit her head. She rolled on her side, picked the letter up and looked over it. “Oops!” she exclaimed. Her laughter died out, and she stood up. Her mane was dull from dust. She shook her barrel and flapped her wings in an attempt to get rid of some. “I’m sorry, miss personal assistant to the Princess. What can I do for you?”

“Henceforth,” Twilight declaimed, “to be considered worthy of joining the Skypatrol, one must know prove he or she is able to clean the sky from all clouds in ten seconds.”

Ten seconds?” Swoosh repeated?

”Flat!” Twilight confirmed. “That doesn’t seem much of a challenge for Equestria’s greatest flyer, does it? So, game?”

Swoosh looked doubtfully at the night sky. “Game!” she said.

“Then go!”

“Done!” Swoosh replied.

”What?” Twilight exclaimed. ”You haven’t moved a muscle.”

“There’s no cloud in the sky, you clunk!” Swoosh came back. She chortled.

Twilight facehoofed. “Ok,” she said, ”you win for this time. But I name you responsible for the weather maintenance. And if you value your future job in the Skypatrol’s team, you’d rather take this task seriously. Maybe I could… get you a commission?”

Swoosh saluted. “Yes ma’am!” she said. “The sky will be spick and span. Guaranteed. Satisfied or refunded.”

”Fine. Dismiss now,” Twilight concluded. Swoosh bowed and took off.

Spike trotted to the spot where Swoosh had been all the time and grabbed the parchment. He unrolled it: She is my assistant. Princess Luna. was written on it. He let it curl back and tossed it aside.

Twilight turned to Plummy. “Do you by chance know where we could find the Golden Oaks Library?”

”Of course!” the mare replied. She pointed at a thoroughfare with one hoof. “Follow that road. About three hundreds meters ahead. You can’t miss it, it’s in a middle of another square: an old, stately but gnarly oak. The library’s been closed for ages, though. Are you going to sleep there?”

“Yes. Princess Luna’s wish. I understood it was quiet and roomy.”

”It certainly is,” Plummy confirmed, nodding. “Though might be a tad dusty.”

“We’ll manage. Thanks for all, I look forward to seeing you!”

”Goodbye!” Plummy replied. “And I’ll keep you posted for the PARTY!” She waved and trotted off.

Twilight and Spike did the same, and soon they walked along a wide, still busy street lined with various shops whose windows were often tastefully decorated with sundry items. They were about halfway there when Spike halted and pulled Twilight’s tail to hold her attention. “Hey!” he said. “Look at that shop!”

He aimed his paw at a fashion shop called La Boutique. Beyond the window’s pane, assorted items of clothing were exposed. It felt like a complex mix between grunge and new-age. Ripped clothes made of burlap, scrim or even refurbished upholstery alternated with pristine, vividly colored cotton shirts and linen shawls, sometimes stamped with twirling patterns of unfathomable meaning.

“They seem to have strange tastes when it comes to clothing,” Twilight remarked.

Spike nodded and suddenly froze. “Wow!” he said.

A young mare—the owner?—had shown up on the shop’s threshold. Her look was itself a delicate mingle between two extremes: under a (intentionally?) carelessly flung, threadbare jeans jacket, her immaculate white coat was set off by a deep purple, perfectly preened mane. From her flank where three cyan trefoils lay, a brushed, deep purple as well, sophisticatedly coiled tail stretched. Her hooves were perfectly hooficured. What a strange combination, Twilight thought.

She whistled and gave a sultry look towards Spike and Twilight, batting her extended, raven black eyelashes. “Hey, darling!” she hailed. “Want to give a stab at some of my swag?”

”Yeeessss…” Spike muttered and he tumbled onto the ground. The mare did not budge.

“Are you talking to me?” Twilight asked.

“Of course!” the mare replied. “Who else?” She shot a glance to Spike, who lay still on the ground, as if in suspended animation. “Not to that pathetic pipsqueak, I suppose. Come on! My name’s Doozy, and I’m the owner of the shop. A mare like you should get the attire she deserves. You’re already easy on the eye, with a bit of extra care and some of my snazziest stuff, I swear I’ll make you a drop-dead knockout.”

Suddenly Plummy Tart’s words came back to Twilight’s mind. She waved a hoof. “Errr… I’d love to but I’m a bit busy right now. You see, I’ve been sent here to take care of the Winter Night’s preparation and—”

“Awww!” Doozy whistled again. “Does that mean you live in… Canterlot?” Her eyes blazed with a sudden flame. She left the threshold and walked towards Twilight, her gaze locked on her.

Twilight simpered and took a step backwards. “Yes I do. Well I—”

“Oh wow wow wow! I’ve always dreamed of dating a looker from the capital city. So chic. Will you bring me there? I’d love to tour the city with you. The luxury cafés. The refined food. The swanky shops. The nobility in the streets. We could do so much together,” she concluded in an elated voice. She was very close now, so close Twilight caught a waft of her heady, spicy perfume.

“Well err… yes, of course. After that… big shindig is over, we’ll fix that up, right? I’m sorry but… I… I must really scoot off!” Twilight stuttered. She levitated Spike with her magic, and bolted off.

“We’ll see at the celebration!” Doozy yelled.

Twilight ran at breakneck speed until she reached another large square, overlooked by an old, impressive gnarled oak, several meters wide in diameter. Its large trunk had been carved with a door and numerous elevated windows. Its logs and branches were full of nests. Twilight braked and came to a halt before a door carved into the trunk. She put Spike on the ground, who shook his head, as if coming back to life. “What happened?” he asked.

Twilight snickered. “I think you suffered from a sort of heart attack, young Casanova. Unfortunately, that mare is very much a lesbian I fear.”

“Shoot!” Spike let out. “She was so… beautiful!”

“Yeah, yeah, she was quite a doozy,” Twilight added, while rummaging into her saddlebags. “Ah! Here’s the key.” She fished out an old, dull-looking key which she inserted into the keyhole. She turned it. The lock resisted a little but finally clicked, and Twilight pushed the door, which hinged with a distinctive grating sound. Beyond the threshold, she thought she caught a glimpse of many bookshelves, but in the ambient gloom, she couldn’t be sure. “Come on, Spike! Let’s find out what the princess has kept in store for us,” she said. Without turning back, she stepped inside, and Spike followed suit.

(To be continued)
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#1 · 2
· · >>Monokeras
That title immediately sends warning signals. These need to be self-contained stories. The warning only confirms it. Still, let’s see what we have here…

… and Twilight’s cursing on the second line. I get that it’s an alternate universe, but this still doesn’t give me a positive impression.

Seriously, you are giving me no reason to like any of these characters.

“And they’re usually GOOD because I work at the local bakery!”

“Well I… work at the Fruity’s. It’s a…” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “…brothel,”
So, was she just lying, or is this a hybrid business in the spirit of Quills and Sofas?

Yeah, long story short, this does not impress. The characters are irritating, the reasons behind the royal sisters’ falling out are trivialized to the point of farce, the changes to established characters are bizarre and nonsensical… Sorry, but this one just isn’t up my alley. Though I do like the gag with Luna's incredibly well-timed notes.
#2 · 2
· · >>Monokeras
WARNING: First part of a longer story. I apologize. :/ Submitted nevertheless, in the hope you may still enjoy what’s been written yet. Obviously not seriously competing for any slot.


You can still tell a self-contained story that fits within a larger narrative as long as you do so in a satisfying way that leaves the reader wanting more.

However, I'm left wondering what your overall goal is beyond crafting a somewhat crass retelling of the series premiere.

All in all, while not a bad effort, I can't say I find many redeeming values in the story.

Sorry.
#3 · 1
· · >>Monokeras
We have here a retelling of first episiode / inversion story. These have been Done enough that new instances have higher bars to clear to stay original and funny. Making this a Lunaverse is a good touch, and I was amused at the Rariclone hitting on Twilight, but aside from the Luna interactions the author seems mostly to be going for the easy/scatological laughs, and this isn’t enough to hold my interest. It’s easy to flip things upside down and profane the sacred; far more challenging and interesting to knock them sideways. Author, I wish you would go sideways if you take this any further.
#4 · 1
· · >>Monokeras
Unlike a few of the other comments, I'm enjoying enough this strange mix of FiM and 1990s-era-full-of-oneself-ness that I would have gladly kept reading more. It's the right mix of irreverent and not taking itself seriously for me to like somewhat - still, at the same time it's definitely going to have to have a hook to really tie it all together, so in that regard I also really agree with GGA that I'm hoping this gets a bit more to it than just 'Ponies, but HIPSTERS'

Not gonna tier it since it's a WIP; keep at it, though. Good first effort.
#5 · 1
· · >>Monokeras
she slipped both her forelegs behind her mane


I get what you're trying to say there, but just "behind her head" would be better.

"Twilight groaned and frowned. “Okay. Let me get this straight: did you come all the way from school just to tell me I should feel bad about being less tight-assed than you?"


Where did Twilight say anything about them being "tight-assed"? Quite the contrary, she's been complaining about their off-color joke.

You couldn’t’ve told me first, rather than all that drivel about Moondancer, you retard?


...I don't understand why do they still hang out with this Twilight or invite her to get-togethers, seeing as she's an utter jerk who's constantly insulting everyone.



Anyway, this feels clumsy and disjointed more than anything... perhaps because this is just Part One of something. There doesn't seem to be any point to the jokes about lesbians, either.

It seems inconsistent that only Pinkie, Dash and Rarity (and presumably Fluttershy and Applejack) are their "alternate selves" with synonyms for names, while nobody else is. (Hey, come to think of it, there's an idea: maybe this "Twilight Sparkle" isn't alt!Twilight Sparkle at all, but rather alt!Sunset Shimmer? Not that it's such an interesting idea, admittedly.)
#6 · 2
· · >>Monokeras
Her eyebrows raised. “Stinking horsedung!” she blurted out.


Twilight was horribly profane at the start of the story - is she just watching her language around Spike? I can't say that the Twilight you present us with at the start feels consistent with the one we're reading throughout the rest of the story. Maybe tone down the profanity and her general bitchiness?

I get this is supposed to be a comedy, and I get that the general OOC-ness and the characters' unlikeability is supposed to be for laughs. But I feel like you went overboard with it. There's a general aura of "trying-too-hard"-ness to the story that makes it feel more awkward than anything.

Plus, it's incomplete; it's a fragment of a story. I really don't think it's suited to a contest like this. I prefer to look at individual entries in a vacuum, but in contrast with Zephyr Ruins Everything, which started out strong and rushed to the finale, glossing over important details, this story dwells too long on establishing trivial things. It wouldn't be as much of a problem if the story were complete, but it was submitted, like, half-finished, and I have to take it on its own merits.

And I'm sorry, but it just isn't doing it for me.
#7 · 1
· · >>Monokeras
The Great

Technically, you did quite well. Scenes are structured well, story beats match the opening super well, dialogue is generally pretty snappy, etc. It just executes well.

The Doozy scene is pretty good. Just very nice dialogue beats.

The Rough

You're aware, but it still needs to be said, inappropriate submission since it isn't a standalone piece.

Anyhow, while I could see something like this working, I don't feel this piece ever really finds it's feet. It kinda bounces between zany comedy, crass comedy, referential parody, and more general spoof. Which, on the whole, leaves me feeling a little unsure of how I'm supposed to treat it since those are technically different forms of comedy. I really think what you need to do is focus in and really decide what you want this story to do, then SELL that. The mixture doesn't work well.
#8 ·
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I think the biggest problem with this story is that it doesn't have a single overarching concept. It's essentially an incoherent mashup of random ideas which don't resonate with each other: what if... Twilight was a jerk (but only in some scenes and not others), AND ALSO Celestia got banished instead of Luna, AND ALSO some characters arbitrarily looked different for no reason, AND ALSO some characters had different names for no reason, AND ALSO they were lesbians and prostitutes, etc. etc.

Unless this is supposed to be a straightforward parody, a la "Friendship is Witchcraft" (disclaimer: I haven't watched it so I don't know if the comparison is apt), but then it's not a very good one; the jokes feel pretty forced and unfunny. I recommend reading Bored of the Rings if you want to see an example of a good, irreverent parody.
#9 · 3
· · >>AndrewRogue
Good luck to all finalists, and apologies for not reviewing this time. I got caught up by real life, same reason that I had no time to complete this fiction.

Not sure anyone cares but:

>>FanOfMostEverything
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Morning Sun

First of all, I’d like to thank Pasco warmheartedly for his help during the edit phase. He caught scads of tiny glitches, one or two grammar flubs, and made a lot of useful comments. So Pasco, thanks a lot again.

So, what? I wanted to write something, because I skipped last round and was feeling pretty bad about it. At the same time, I had no precise idea how to deal with the prompt — something a bit surprising since I’ve always had a knack for dark prompts — so I wound up with that project of recasting episode #1 into a zany version, something I’ve been thinking of since Callipony’s Stereopony . I had no plan, no outline, no real idea on the way I could pervert the characters. I just sat down in front of my computer and let it flow freely, typing along outright what came out of my mind. Matter of fact, it gave birth to a strange mix with some inconsistencies, as one can figure out any spontaneous writing might. But Real Life™ interfered and I had no time to finish. I wondered what to do. At the end, I decided to submit the incomplete version rather than chuck it altogether. I think I should've asked Roger to put it in a special 'sidelines' category.

However I enjoyed writing it, especially the dialogues. Making Twilight a jerk was fun.

I injected a dose of French humour in it, especially in twisting the characters into being somewhat lewd, and depicting Twilight as a bit cocky (which she seems to be in the beginning of episode #1 anyway). To answer FoME question, Plummy Tart, whose name is obviously a pun, is not employed in a two-faced business. She “sunlights”, which is the equivalent of “moonlighting” in this Luna world. During the night (which is when ponies are awake), she works at the pastry and during the day, she completes her income with her second “job”. (There was also a complex pun here involving “plummy”, “tart”, “fruity’s” and “every mare is lesbian”.)

I’m glad at least Morning Sun found it acceptable, for the others I apologise, comedies are not that easy to pull off, and what seems funny to me need not be funny to all. Besides, there might also be cultural interference, as well as other factors, to take into account.

In any case, I’m rather happy the execution flowed well. I was also pleased that the fic was lashed not because of the English, but because of the contents. That might be paradoxical, but 80% of my self-satisfaction derives from writing good English, so on that particular point, it’s rather a win.

Now, I’m not sure I’ll participate in future pony short stories round. I find myself lacking ideas, and I won’t be able to harp on about perverted/crotchety characters too long. So maybe if I have a good idea waiting to be harvested. But otherwise, I think I’ll skip. But I'll be still participating in every other round, pony minific included. So no, you won't get rid of me that easy! :P

See you next round folkies!
#10 · 2
· · >>Monokeras
>>Monokeras
Before I forget again, I did want to add an addendum that I failed to put in the first post. I feel the funniest bits, by far, were the lampooning of the fandom and show world qualities. Things like the stuff is always falling in Ponyville and every mare is a lesbian got real chuckles out of me.

Sorry, it occurred to me like, the day after I made the first post and just kept forgetting to add it.
#11 ·
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>>AndrewRogue
Nice to know it got some chuckles out of you ;) All that time was not lost!