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And I'll go:
The opposite way of >>Not_A_Hat and say how much I enjoyed the way the whole adventure plot turned out to be a Macguffin. I'd even vote for more scenes between Vinyl and Starswirl moving around Canterlot trying to jog his memory before it starts returning. Heck, put in some false leads even, some adventures they have when things trigger Starswirl's swiss-cheesed memory--a "Quantum Leap" reference? Really?--that relate to other things he's done throughout history. I guess what I'm saying is: turn the thing into an adventure/romance novel so I'll be able to read it. Thanks!
Mike
The opposite way of >>Not_A_Hat and say how much I enjoyed the way the whole adventure plot turned out to be a Macguffin. I'd even vote for more scenes between Vinyl and Starswirl moving around Canterlot trying to jog his memory before it starts returning. Heck, put in some false leads even, some adventures they have when things trigger Starswirl's swiss-cheesed memory--a "Quantum Leap" reference? Really?--that relate to other things he's done throughout history. I guess what I'm saying is: turn the thing into an adventure/romance novel so I'll be able to read it. Thanks!
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
Yeah, personally, I thought this was the strongest element of the story: the fact that there was a grand, time-spanning adventure story behind it that was completely outside of Vinyl's understanding or ability to fully comprehend.
The opposite way of >>Not_A_Hat and say how much I enjoyed the way the whole adventure plot turned out to be a Macguffin.
Yeah, personally, I thought this was the strongest element of the story: the fact that there was a grand, time-spanning adventure story behind it that was completely outside of Vinyl's understanding or ability to fully comprehend.
Georg’s second Round Micro Reviews for the new stories on my slate The Darkest Hour Scores are letter grades for Plot, Technical Work, and Characterization mushed together, with an E for stories I find particularly Enjoyable. Ranked by how I like them, not necessarily how perfect they are on the score. (and posted all at once, from top to bottom so they line up on the chat.)
E - The Lamia — A+ — Re-reading a second time for this, and still funny/touching/weird/neat. The carnivore next door. Also, I do not find it odd at all that the castle library would have exactly the book Rarity was looking for. In Ponyville, that’s normal. Also, Twilight, the birds, the bees, and Spike. Poor dragon. It ticks down all the ‘in character’ points of a funny yet touching MLP story with no fatalities, a rather odd premise, considerable stress through the whole thing, and a satisfactory resolution. Top tier.
Time Enough For Wub — A+ — Ok, bonus points for the title. No real hook, just a smooth transition into the story, so minor ding there. Vinyl does seem to be the type to pick up homeless amnesiacs and give them couch space to crash, and it’s done well. The story weaves itself out after that with the various elements tying to each other quite well, but I found the confrontation with SG to be rather jerky and the resolution afterwards to be rough and in need of smoothing out (I lost track of who was who for a bit). Still, darned good and worthy.
Denotation and Consternation — B+ — Ok, the first paragraph flattened me. Had to re-read it three times to make sense of it. Maybe it’s just because I’m up late? The interplay within the focus group was similarly difficult to follow, and the ending was just… flatter than expected, even the second time around. If you reduced the number of ponies in the focus group to two familiar scam artists and put some more work into making the dialogue b/w Celestia/Luna/Kibbitz flow more naturally, it would work better. Also, the ending and the beginning both need rewritten. You’re far too coy setting the scene at the beginning, and to abrupt at the end.
Kintsugi — B — Really, really was flat at the beginning, picked up quite a bit at the glue/Spike section, rolled along at a good rate and slowed just a little at the end. The pieces of a really good story are in here, they just need the right kind of sparkly glue and polish. Quite a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in places, but pretty fair in others. Quite a few tells, just rough in general, much as if it got rushed to completion.
The Great
A pleasant and well-written vingette. Up to this point, probably the best (normal) prose I've read in this write-off.
Interesting introspection and naval gazing can be difficult to achieve, and this piece nails it, in no small part to the above.
The Rough
I suspect the intent here is for her to be overlooking her own relationship with Trixie, but the fact that this first mention of her comes at the darkest moment of the narrative and is kinda completely glossed over feels weird and makes Starlight look... kind of dumb, honestly. Might just be a personal thing, but it really jumped out at me while reading. I think the whole line of thinking would be stronger if you removed the Trixie mention here or she was some sort of factor in what follows.
The turn happens really fast. A little too fast, I think. You might be able to do it if this weren't pure introspection and there was some sort of outside impetus to get her brain on that track, but as is, she pivots from her worst moment to hope on a dime. While this isn't necessarily inconsistent with reality, it is a bit narratively unsatisfying.
A pleasant and well-written vingette. Up to this point, probably the best (normal) prose I've read in this write-off.
Interesting introspection and naval gazing can be difficult to achieve, and this piece nails it, in no small part to the above.
The Rough
Wandering. Maybe that'd be best. I'll go out there this morning, apologize to the five of them, tell them I don't expect they can ever forgive me, and then surrender to the inevitable. Be on my way before I do any more damage. End it here, hit the road with Trixie till I find myself a quiet cave somewhere, and—
I suspect the intent here is for her to be overlooking her own relationship with Trixie, but the fact that this first mention of her comes at the darkest moment of the narrative and is kinda completely glossed over feels weird and makes Starlight look... kind of dumb, honestly. Might just be a personal thing, but it really jumped out at me while reading. I think the whole line of thinking would be stronger if you removed the Trixie mention here or she was some sort of factor in what follows.
The turn happens really fast. A little too fast, I think. You might be able to do it if this weren't pure introspection and there was some sort of outside impetus to get her brain on that track, but as is, she pivots from her worst moment to hope on a dime. While this isn't necessarily inconsistent with reality, it is a bit narratively unsatisfying.
The Great
There are a couple very funny moments in the story. It shines when it is being totally straight-faced while engaging its utterly ridiculous concept. The Pokey and Thunderlane thing was also hilarious.
The Rough
Needs a pass or two to clean up the writing. I caught a few cases of weirdly phrased sentences and my own personal demon: passive voice. But yeah, just a lot of little things that nagged at me throughout the story. The "snip snip" at the beginning is kind of a good example. While I'm a big fan of that sort of structure, I think just throwing those snips in there at the end just doesn't work. They need to be built into the rest of the scene since they are technically occurring the whole time. Similarly, being an almost entirely Rarity perspective story and then shifting to Twilight for one scene doesn't quite work for me.
This might be the result of having seen an odd comment or two before getting to this, but the fact that you don't see Sweetie Belle again until a long while after the first scene bothered me and had me wondering if she got eaten.
The tone is kind of all over the place. The mix of black comedy/slice of life is fine and good, but the problem is that the moments where those things are actually mixed are surprisingly few and far between. A lot of the story it is just general slice of life style stuff, which feels weird and pulls me out of the fact that it's supposed to be a comedy, because the world resets to "normal" and Twilight's concerns become legitimate and distract from the humor. Basically, the story never sells me on the idea that everypony is fine with a pony eating monster in their midst. I end up getting annoyed about their stupidity rather than being amused by the insanity of it all.
There are a couple very funny moments in the story. It shines when it is being totally straight-faced while engaging its utterly ridiculous concept. The Pokey and Thunderlane thing was also hilarious.
The Rough
Needs a pass or two to clean up the writing. I caught a few cases of weirdly phrased sentences and my own personal demon: passive voice. But yeah, just a lot of little things that nagged at me throughout the story. The "snip snip" at the beginning is kind of a good example. While I'm a big fan of that sort of structure, I think just throwing those snips in there at the end just doesn't work. They need to be built into the rest of the scene since they are technically occurring the whole time. Similarly, being an almost entirely Rarity perspective story and then shifting to Twilight for one scene doesn't quite work for me.
This might be the result of having seen an odd comment or two before getting to this, but the fact that you don't see Sweetie Belle again until a long while after the first scene bothered me and had me wondering if she got eaten.
The tone is kind of all over the place. The mix of black comedy/slice of life is fine and good, but the problem is that the moments where those things are actually mixed are surprisingly few and far between. A lot of the story it is just general slice of life style stuff, which feels weird and pulls me out of the fact that it's supposed to be a comedy, because the world resets to "normal" and Twilight's concerns become legitimate and distract from the humor. Basically, the story never sells me on the idea that everypony is fine with a pony eating monster in their midst. I end up getting annoyed about their stupidity rather than being amused by the insanity of it all.
The Great
A very strong opening.
The dialogue, while it bordered on maybe a little OOC, was well done and general followed very good beats.
Neat concept.
The Rough
I honestly do not know what to make of this story. I... think the intent for this is supposed to be a triumphant moment for Twilight? Maybe? But honestly, I find the conclusion kind of horrifying and dark. Twilight creates random life for no actual good reason. Like, what are the ramifications of this going to be? Is this going to be a real Alicorn? Some weird abomination? Is she going to resent it and her teachers for doing this to her and saddling her with it? What is the cost on her life going to be? On the safety of Equestria?
A very strong opening.
The dialogue, while it bordered on maybe a little OOC, was well done and general followed very good beats.
Neat concept.
The Rough
I honestly do not know what to make of this story. I... think the intent for this is supposed to be a triumphant moment for Twilight? Maybe? But honestly, I find the conclusion kind of horrifying and dark. Twilight creates random life for no actual good reason. Like, what are the ramifications of this going to be? Is this going to be a real Alicorn? Some weird abomination? Is she going to resent it and her teachers for doing this to her and saddling her with it? What is the cost on her life going to be? On the safety of Equestria?
>>AndrewRogue
Not gonna lie, I thought this was where the story was going too.
This might be the result of having seen an odd comment or two before getting to this, but the fact that you don't see Sweetie Belle again until a long while after the first scene bothered me and had me wondering if she got eaten.
Not gonna lie, I thought this was where the story was going too.
I am so glad that I found the time to read this story before finals ended. I love a good crackfic, and this is one of the best. My biggest complaint is that I find it hard to believe that Twilight would let Starswirl go so easily. I'd expect her to grill him for a few months, at least.
But seriously, this is great and I love it.
But seriously, this is great and I love it.
The Great
There are some super good dialogue beats in this story. Just some clean, natural, and amusing conversation. Strong characterization on Vinyl right out the gates too.
The overall concept is intriguing. Of all the stories I've read thus far, I feel this is among the best to expand into a fuller, longer story.
I really like the ultimate punchline with Starlight. It flows well out of the story and keeps the focus on the relationship, which is really the heart of things.
The Rough
This is anti-TaviScratch and thus I must hate it with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
This needs a pass or two. There are a lot of cases where I feel sentences would benefit from being restructured and having words removed from them. For example:
The phrase "at the sound of" is sort of redundant, since the reader should inherently understand "a loud bang" as a sound. A little removing and rephrasing would make the sentence read better, and cases like that crop up throughout the story.
I think the story needed a bit more time in general, particularly to build the relationship. The arc starts nice and smooth, but I think the strength of Vinyl's emotions at the end are kind of unearned? Like, I don't mind her liking him or even wanting to jump him, but that feels like some pretty heavy "love" at the end there. I'd buy it a little more if either they distinctly had more time hanging out or it ended more on a pure "let's get a drink" note. The voice making her stomach wobble is just too much.
Given Vinyl is the viewpoint character and how obsessed she is with Octy, it is really weird for the conversation to occur entirely off-screen.
Starswirl should have told her before the final confrontation. Not only is it irresponsible and stupid to bring her into the situation blind, but Vinyl -choosing- to come with him despite obvious danger is a stronger commitment (while remaining distinctly in character) from her rather than her just coming along because she's annoyed he won't tell her. I honestly can't think of any real benefit he gets out of not telling her.
This is super nitpicky, but the verb "hoofing" caused problems for me. I don't mind adapting pony language, but that particular word just... feels weird? I can sorta get what it meant in context, but I couldn't really define it if I tried. Further, since it was a bit weird, it stood out massively when it was used in rapid succession.
There are some super good dialogue beats in this story. Just some clean, natural, and amusing conversation. Strong characterization on Vinyl right out the gates too.
The overall concept is intriguing. Of all the stories I've read thus far, I feel this is among the best to expand into a fuller, longer story.
I really like the ultimate punchline with Starlight. It flows well out of the story and keeps the focus on the relationship, which is really the heart of things.
The Rough
This needs a pass or two. There are a lot of cases where I feel sentences would benefit from being restructured and having words removed from them. For example:
As she made her way past the bathroom, she jumped at the sound of a loud bang. It was followed by a muffled curse, and then the faint sparkling sound of a unicorn’s horn coming alight.
The phrase "at the sound of" is sort of redundant, since the reader should inherently understand "a loud bang" as a sound. A little removing and rephrasing would make the sentence read better, and cases like that crop up throughout the story.
I think the story needed a bit more time in general, particularly to build the relationship. The arc starts nice and smooth, but I think the strength of Vinyl's emotions at the end are kind of unearned? Like, I don't mind her liking him or even wanting to jump him, but that feels like some pretty heavy "love" at the end there. I'd buy it a little more if either they distinctly had more time hanging out or it ended more on a pure "let's get a drink" note. The voice making her stomach wobble is just too much.
Given Vinyl is the viewpoint character and how obsessed she is with Octy, it is really weird for the conversation to occur entirely off-screen.
Starswirl should have told her before the final confrontation. Not only is it irresponsible and stupid to bring her into the situation blind, but Vinyl -choosing- to come with him despite obvious danger is a stronger commitment (while remaining distinctly in character) from her rather than her just coming along because she's annoyed he won't tell her. I honestly can't think of any real benefit he gets out of not telling her.
This is super nitpicky, but the verb "hoofing" caused problems for me. I don't mind adapting pony language, but that particular word just... feels weird? I can sorta get what it meant in context, but I couldn't really define it if I tried. Further, since it was a bit weird, it stood out massively when it was used in rapid succession.
I... still have a lot of things to read if I want to review everyone. I might actually need to back down from my promise to get to everyone. If you super want my feedback, please poke me and I promise I'll do it. Otherwise I'll see what I can do but I might be done now that I got everything on my slate and the finalists. I really need to write. >_>
Well, how 'bout some Finalist Mashups: Hopefully Not Duplicating Any edition!
Twilight Sparkle Lays a Wake: After a night of very poor sleep, Princess Purplesmart makes the shocking discovery that James Joyce has been reincarnated as an alicorn princess!
Room and Consternation: Luna takes her plan to get through to the young'uns WAAAAY too far.
The House Comes For Wub: Fluttershy and Discord haven't spoken since their breakup. Then Zephyr Breeze comes crashing back into their lives with a stolen time machine, and a pissed-off minotaur and an on-again/off-again Time Lordy-type come looking for him. Now our erstwhile lovers must reconcile their differences and help Zeph escape or risk having Fluttershy's reformation of Discord be erased from history, thus returning him to bad guy status and condemning Equestria to eternal chocolate milk rain... (Also Zeph gets shipped with Vinyl Scratch because of the title, I guess?)
Lamia By Dawn: After arguing all night about the relative merits and underlying messages of some of their favorite Writeoff stories, several authors adjourn to a locked room where a most unusual form of entertainment has been summoned. Hours later, lone survivor Cold in Gardez is seen leaving the premises carrying a fireplace poker and a badly chipped coffee mug...
Twilight Sparkle Lays a Wake: After a night of very poor sleep, Princess Purplesmart makes the shocking discovery that James Joyce has been reincarnated as an alicorn princess!
Room and Consternation: Luna takes her plan to get through to the young'uns WAAAAY too far.
The House Comes For Wub: Fluttershy and Discord haven't spoken since their breakup. Then Zephyr Breeze comes crashing back into their lives with a stolen time machine, and a pissed-off minotaur and an on-again/off-again Time Lordy-type come looking for him. Now our erstwhile lovers must reconcile their differences and help Zeph escape or risk having Fluttershy's reformation of Discord be erased from history, thus returning him to bad guy status and condemning Equestria to eternal chocolate milk rain... (Also Zeph gets shipped with Vinyl Scratch because of the title, I guess?)
Lamia By Dawn: After arguing all night about the relative merits and underlying messages of some of their favorite Writeoff stories, several authors adjourn to a locked room where a most unusual form of entertainment has been summoned. Hours later, lone survivor Cold in Gardez is seen leaving the premises carrying a fireplace poker and a badly chipped coffee mug...
Congradulations to GroaningGreyAgony for the honaurific medalliance and ode to Joyce! You expounded your horizons with a best-or-bust gambol, putting everything on pink.
Right, that's enough of that. I don't want Posh to get a concussion from banging his head on his desk. Congrats to him and CoffeeMinion as well for their medals. All three definitely earned them.
Now, let's look at my story:
Denotation and Consternation
I'm still unduly happy with that title, even if people kept seeing explosions in it.
In any case, the concept came from a rebellion against the expected subject matter: Who said dark had to be bad? Then I remembered Celestia's rather suspect line from "The Crystal Empire," all the more eyebrow-raising when you think about how she'd just been talking with Luna. From there flowed the idea of Luna trying modern methods to reform the image of the night and all the absurdities that implied.
The weakest part is obviously the ending. I actually forgot the Writeoff had started that week, so I'd spent that Friday and Saturday looking for jobs and preparing Friendship is Card Games articles for the early-aired episodes. Between the rush and the high demand on my creative energy, I couldn't think of any way to actually end the story, so I bunted and tried to reconnect it to canon, even though Luna should've already been attending to dreams. Fortunately, I do have a better one in mind, one that will make better use of the guardsponies.
As for the "Luna is deliberately giving foals nightmares" read, I never meant that, but I do like it as a form of fridge horror. If the person who wrote the story likes a different interpretation more, would you call that Suicide of the Author?
Thanks to everyone who provided feedback. I'm not sure when I'll put this one up on Fimfiction—my Writeoff backlog is actually pretty atrocious—but I don't think it'll need much before it's ready for prime time.
Right, that's enough of that. I don't want Posh to get a concussion from banging his head on his desk. Congrats to him and CoffeeMinion as well for their medals. All three definitely earned them.
Now, let's look at my story:
Denotation and Consternation
I'm still unduly happy with that title, even if people kept seeing explosions in it.
In any case, the concept came from a rebellion against the expected subject matter: Who said dark had to be bad? Then I remembered Celestia's rather suspect line from "The Crystal Empire," all the more eyebrow-raising when you think about how she'd just been talking with Luna. From there flowed the idea of Luna trying modern methods to reform the image of the night and all the absurdities that implied.
The weakest part is obviously the ending. I actually forgot the Writeoff had started that week, so I'd spent that Friday and Saturday looking for jobs and preparing Friendship is Card Games articles for the early-aired episodes. Between the rush and the high demand on my creative energy, I couldn't think of any way to actually end the story, so I bunted and tried to reconnect it to canon, even though Luna should've already been attending to dreams. Fortunately, I do have a better one in mind, one that will make better use of the guardsponies.
As for the "Luna is deliberately giving foals nightmares" read, I never meant that, but I do like it as a form of fridge horror. If the person who wrote the story likes a different interpretation more, would you call that Suicide of the Author?
Thanks to everyone who provided feedback. I'm not sure when I'll put this one up on Fimfiction—my Writeoff backlog is actually pretty atrocious—but I don't think it'll need much before it's ready for prime time.
Confession time. Twilight Sparkle Lays An Egg is mine, and will be going up on Fimfiction on Saturday. It hatched (sorry) from an idea I got from talking with Tek, and was originally nicknamed “The Twilight Who Laid The Golden Egg.” That’s about as far as it got until I wrote ‘How Many Princesses Does It Take’ and a few more ideas got chasing around my neural pathways, and when the prompt was announced, the whole thing gelled into a story outline, from beginning to end in one burst of light, much as if I had been mugged by a muse. I’d like to thank Pascoite, who struggled along with my ‘as’ clauses, and to Toy Kingdom, whose video is about the first thing you see when you google ‘Twilight Sparkle egg’
I like to write with the intention of improving, so I tend to handicap my ideas with restrictions. In this case, I wanted a humorous title, with a slow transition into seriousness until the reader believes Princess Twilight Sparkle actually laid an egg (hey, weirder stuff has been written). Then a shift back to humor as the reader realizes Celestia and Luna are playing a trick on Twilight, then one last shift into seriousness. And Spike is Best Dragon.
You will believe an alicorn can hatch.
Pictures upcoming:
https://i.gyazo.com/55d316adbf6b5f1f920fb62f0aa28fb3.png
There’s also this image, but I have not gotten permission to use it yet.
http://meurogane.deviantart.com/art/Twilight-Sparkle-Easter-Egg-294187917
I like to write with the intention of improving, so I tend to handicap my ideas with restrictions. In this case, I wanted a humorous title, with a slow transition into seriousness until the reader believes Princess Twilight Sparkle actually laid an egg (hey, weirder stuff has been written). Then a shift back to humor as the reader realizes Celestia and Luna are playing a trick on Twilight, then one last shift into seriousness. And Spike is Best Dragon.
You will believe an alicorn can hatch.
Pictures upcoming:
https://i.gyazo.com/55d316adbf6b5f1f920fb62f0aa28fb3.png
There’s also this image, but I have not gotten permission to use it yet.
http://meurogane.deviantart.com/art/Twilight-Sparkle-Easter-Egg-294187917
>>GroaningGreyAgony You know, you were actually my first guess on this, but you managed to throw me off with this comment. :P
Congrats on the win!
Congrats on the win!
Congrats to our winners:
And to everyone this round. Very nice stuff all up and down!
As for me, the whole "darkest before the dawn" thing jumped out at me, and I flashed back to the mind control episode when Twilight tells Starlight after she's untangled the spell that the others are gonna feel it in the morning. So I set out to do a stream-of-consciousness sorta thing as Starlight waits for that particular morning. It really needs more Trixie, though. She's the one success Starlight's had, and bringing her in at the turn will help lead more naturally to the ending, I'll wager. So thanks, folks!
Mike
And to everyone this round. Very nice stuff all up and down!
As for me, the whole "darkest before the dawn" thing jumped out at me, and I flashed back to the mind control episode when Twilight tells Starlight after she's untangled the spell that the others are gonna feel it in the morning. So I set out to do a stream-of-consciousness sorta thing as Starlight waits for that particular morning. It really needs more Trixie, though. She's the one success Starlight's had, and bringing her in at the turn will help lead more naturally to the ending, I'll wager. So thanks, folks!
Mike
Many thanks to everyone! It will take me some time to respond to all commenters, so please don’t take offense if I don’t reply to you right away.
I'm still amazed I made it to the finals. It's my first time doing so in a short story round. Yay for progress! Thanks to everyone for reading my story and for the feedback, it means a lot.
I guess the first thing I want to address is a point everyone made about the setting of the story, which is kind of wonky and raises a lot of questions. Now, I have no way of proving it to you, but this entire story (setting, pacing, transitions, and twist) are directly lifted from a dream I had a few months ago.
No joking.
I tried to be as faithful as possible to the ramblings of my subconscious, but I should have strived to deliver a more rounded narrative instead of just a translation.
Guess there was a lot of room for improvement.
...
Anyway, I'll see if I can do something to reciprocate the time you took to read and give some feedback, and perhaps improving your opinion on this story if my terrible joke didn't already make you hate me.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Their immediate perception was warped as a result of the spell. It's one of the things I will definitely make clearer once I edit this and polish it for FiMFiction.
>>Morning Sun
>>Posh
As the deadline drew closer I realised I couldn't expand Serene Breeze's explanation to cover all the details I wanted.
Still, my original idea was never to focus too much on the minutiae of the dystopian future but rather have that as a backdrop to set up the events of the story. It's supposed to be a post-Princesses future where ponykind seeks the guidance of the Element Bearers to get them through those difficult times. So, it's not so much one problem in particular but rather an overall situation that made them try that.
>>Baal Bunny
I have noone to blame but myself.
I didn't get as much writing done the second day (by that I mean I only got around 300 words out), so I was really rushing to the endline on the last day.
Oh, there's a reason they feel choppy at that point.
Serene Breeze notes that the transition from Rarity to Twilight at that point was too quick. That meant to imply that the other transitions didn't go as smoothly.
I guess I should have mentioned blackouts here as well. My bad.
While some transitions from one mindset to another are immediate, others aren't as a result. The spell is still setting in the mind of the host, which is why Rainbow Dash wakes up with a splitting headache.
But... that being said, I could have handled the transitions a bit better, and I'll do my best to make it clear there's a reason for the way they feel once I make the final version for FiMFiction.
As the spell settles in, their mind starts to take in more details of the room. That's why Dash only noticed the door, but AJ noticed the vent in one corner, Rarity noticed the pipes, Pinkie noticed the beams in the ceiling. As time goes on they started notice more and more things, and had the spell not started to fail, they probably would have noticed more things.
Was it, perhaps, too subtle? I didn't want to make it too obvious, but perhaps in doing so I shot myself in the foot.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Not quite. I wasn't joking when I said I dreamed of this entire scenario and then proceeded to ponify it when this prompt came up.
The disconnect between build up and reveal comes from me running out of time. By the time I got to the last scene there were only about six hours left until the deadline, and I really needed to go to sleep. And since I just didn't want to sit out of another round, I did my best to wrap things up and submit it.
My original plan was for Serene Breeze to walk Twilight through the entire reason they were brought back, as well as some minor details of the spell itself, and for the M6 to agree to help just as their consciousness starts to fade.
This is more or less the angle I was aming to tackle. The period depicted as the present is a far cry from the more harmonious days of the Equestria we know.
Still, the blame once agains falls on me for not being able to properly write this story in the allotted time. As I mentioned, the girls were slowly noticing more details about the room as time went on and would soon notice different sets of weird equipment that even Twilight couldn't recognise.
However, that leads back to the point of the build-up being far longer than it needed to be. Once I start polishing this a bit more, I'll see if I can better integrate these gradual reveals in a way that doesn't drag the story.
>>georg
Thanks for your comment. I'm not a fan of spelling things out for the reader, in case it wasn't painfully obvious by now, but I do realise I teased an outcome for far too long to leave it as vague as I did. Thanks once again.
>>AndrewRogue
I believe it was sometime around 11pm on Sunday as I suddenly stopped writing and realised that while I originally meant to portray a self-contained piece that hinted to a larger narrative, I ended up writing an overblown prologue to a story.
I was more than a tad miffed, to say the least, so believe me when I say I share the frustration.
They were meant to be erratic, yes, but I admit that doesn't mean they should be. I should've tried to better flesh out some sort of logic to it.
As I mentioned, the room discrepancies were meant to note the mind of the bearers settling in the host. They're not in different rooms, they are just starting to take in all the details.
Also, regarding the body disparities. The reason I chose a pegasus as a host, was so Dash and Fluttershy could still fly, albeit barely so. Applejack wouldn't have her strenght, Neither Rarity or Twilight would have their magic, and Pinkie would be without her Pinkie Sense.
And yeah, it's a bit odd that they didn't notice the extra limbs, but I tried to explain that with the diminished perception that came from the spell, as well as the visual impairment that only allowed them to see themselves as themselves and not their host.
I'll admit that was perhaps a bit too cheap, but I'll stand by that decision. Perhaps I can better explain it once I flesh it out a bit more.
>>Chryssi
Hey, you're the six thousandth comment. Nice. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the story.
Yeah, the latter scenes weren't as polished as I would have preferred, but rest assured that I'll try to make everything clearer without compromising the mystery aspect.
>>Cold in Gardez
While far from ideal, they work with what they have. Besides, it's not quite a dingy cell, it only appears that way initially.
...
Boy, it sure sounds worse when I put it that way.
Regardless, I think I may have gone overboard when trying to make the room seem ominous. I'll try to find a way to make it look as less of a trashy place without dropping the dread levels.
>>CoffeeMinion
Yeah... My intent was to make the reveal more gradual and have Serene Breeze walk them through every step, but my poor planning and less-than-stellar work ethics led me to finish the story in a frenzy. My bad.
I originally wanted this to be a standalone, but as I wrote, some thoughts popped into my mind that could make this work in a longer series.
Hey, one plot point I never got around using was that the mare they used as a host for the Mane6 was Serene Breeze's younger sister, which would lead to some common ground when dealing with AJ and Rarity.
These are all Could be's, though. For the time being I'll do my best to kick this story into shape so it can better work as a standalone piece, and if I can come up with a solid or even better follow up to this, then I surely will work on that.
>>Not_A_Hat
Quick tip, if any of you stumble accross a story in future rounds that uses thousands of words to say very little, it's probably going to be me.
It's easy for me to go overboard and end up with long winded scenes that could just as effectively been told in half the length.
As I mentioned, this was supposed to be covered by the spell, which I didn't go on detail with Serene Breeze's explanation. They can only see themselves as themselves, but the effects don't extend to other ponies/objects. Plus, there was the dizziness that came from having their minds settle in the body of the host.
As I look back at the story, I notice a combination of foreshadowing that was too subtle, and a lackluster resolution worked together to bring the story down.
They were only noticing new things as time went on as a result of the spell being cast.
I believe what worked against me was only portraying Rainbow Dash as suffering the effects of the spell. She's the only one who suffers the symptoms Serene Breeze later mentions. Perhaps if there'd been a continuing theme of impaired perception, things would have been paradoxically clearer.
----
Alright, I believe I addressed all the larger issues. Thanks once again for the feedback, it really means a lot.
Even despite all my shortcomings when writing this, I'm still stoked about reaching the finals. Here's hoping I can deliver something even better in the future. ^ ^
Oh, and as a sidenote, this is my first time writing Fluttershy, so that should at least explain why her scenes are the more subdued ones.
I guess the first thing I want to address is a point everyone made about the setting of the story, which is kind of wonky and raises a lot of questions. Now, I have no way of proving it to you, but this entire story (setting, pacing, transitions, and twist) are directly lifted from a dream I had a few months ago.
No joking.
I tried to be as faithful as possible to the ramblings of my subconscious, but I should have strived to deliver a more rounded narrative instead of just a translation.
Guess there was a lot of room for improvement.
...
Anyway, I'll see if I can do something to reciprocate the time you took to read and give some feedback, and perhaps improving your opinion on this story if my terrible joke didn't already make you hate me.
>>FanOfMostEverything
though it does feel odd that none of the Bearers noticed that they were brown
Their immediate perception was warped as a result of the spell. It's one of the things I will definitely make clearer once I edit this and polish it for FiMFiction.
>>Morning Sun
>>Posh
What happened to the future? Why are they back? What problem are they needed for?
I was intrigued, but the story stops short of providing the necessary detail and context to really get it.
As the deadline drew closer I realised I couldn't expand Serene Breeze's explanation to cover all the details I wanted.
Still, my original idea was never to focus too much on the minutiae of the dystopian future but rather have that as a backdrop to set up the events of the story. It's supposed to be a post-Princesses future where ponykind seeks the guidance of the Element Bearers to get them through those difficult times. So, it's not so much one problem in particular but rather an overall situation that made them try that.
>>Baal Bunny
It wouldn't need much to bring in a bit of resolution, though, author.
I have noone to blame but myself.
I didn't get as much writing done the second day (by that I mean I only got around 300 words out), so I was really rushing to the endline on the last day.
I'll also note that some of the transitions need a little smoothing out once Serene enters the scene.
Oh, there's a reason they feel choppy at that point.
"The fact that you changed from Rarity’s mind so quickly means we don’t have much time left”
Serene Breeze notes that the transition from Rarity to Twilight at that point was too quick. That meant to imply that the other transitions didn't go as smoothly.
“Have you perhaps felt unwell? Disorientation, nausea, headaches, anything of the sort?”
I guess I should have mentioned blackouts here as well. My bad.
While some transitions from one mindset to another are immediate, others aren't as a result. The spell is still setting in the mind of the host, which is why Rainbow Dash wakes up with a splitting headache.
But... that being said, I could have handled the transitions a bit better, and I'll do my best to make it clear there's a reason for the way they feel once I make the final version for FiMFiction.
Also, I couldn't make the sudden appearance of the desk fit in with the eventual explanation of what's been going on.
As the spell settles in, their mind starts to take in more details of the room. That's why Dash only noticed the door, but AJ noticed the vent in one corner, Rarity noticed the pipes, Pinkie noticed the beams in the ceiling. As time goes on they started notice more and more things, and had the spell not started to fail, they probably would have noticed more things.
Was it, perhaps, too subtle? I didn't want to make it too obvious, but perhaps in doing so I shot myself in the foot.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I suspect that you started with the flipping between the Mane6 idea and arrived at a plausible explanation as you wrote
Not quite. I wasn't joking when I said I dreamed of this entire scenario and then proceeded to ponify it when this prompt came up.
The disconnect between build up and reveal comes from me running out of time. By the time I got to the last scene there were only about six hours left until the deadline, and I really needed to go to sleep. And since I just didn't want to sit out of another round, I did my best to wrap things up and submit it.
My original plan was for Serene Breeze to walk Twilight through the entire reason they were brought back, as well as some minor details of the spell itself, and for the M6 to agree to help just as their consciousness starts to fade.
If you really must have them in a dark dungeon, give a good reason for it.(Such as, we’re members of the resistance and this is the only space we had to work with, etc.)
This is more or less the angle I was aming to tackle. The period depicted as the present is a far cry from the more harmonious days of the Equestria we know.
Still, the blame once agains falls on me for not being able to properly write this story in the allotted time. As I mentioned, the girls were slowly noticing more details about the room as time went on and would soon notice different sets of weird equipment that even Twilight couldn't recognise.
However, that leads back to the point of the build-up being far longer than it needed to be. Once I start polishing this a bit more, I'll see if I can better integrate these gradual reveals in a way that doesn't drag the story.
>>georg
As much as we’re supposed to Show and not Tell, a good Reveal around the 9/10 mark about what is really going on would have been appreciated.
Thanks for your comment. I'm not a fan of spelling things out for the reader, in case it wasn't painfully obvious by now, but I do realise I teased an outcome for far too long to leave it as vague as I did. Thanks once again.
>>AndrewRogue
While you ultimately solve the initial mystery and conflict, it leads into a much larger (and arguably more interesting) mystery
I believe it was sometime around 11pm on Sunday as I suddenly stopped writing and realised that while I originally meant to portray a self-contained piece that hinted to a larger narrative, I ended up writing an overblown prologue to a story.
I was more than a tad miffed, to say the least, so believe me when I say I share the frustration.
While you have several good direct transitions, I feel you need to pace them differently, as you're kind of erratic about how you use them
They were meant to be erratic, yes, but I admit that doesn't mean they should be. I should've tried to better flesh out some sort of logic to it.
I feel like you cheat a little bit with scene structure (and character knowledge - I kinda feel you'd notice having wings or missing a horn) to conceal that they are in the same place.
As I mentioned, the room discrepancies were meant to note the mind of the bearers settling in the host. They're not in different rooms, they are just starting to take in all the details.
Also, regarding the body disparities. The reason I chose a pegasus as a host, was so Dash and Fluttershy could still fly, albeit barely so. Applejack wouldn't have her strenght, Neither Rarity or Twilight would have their magic, and Pinkie would be without her Pinkie Sense.
And yeah, it's a bit odd that they didn't notice the extra limbs, but I tried to explain that with the diminished perception that came from the spell, as well as the visual impairment that only allowed them to see themselves as themselves and not their host.
I'll admit that was perhaps a bit too cheap, but I'll stand by that decision. Perhaps I can better explain it once I flesh it out a bit more.
>>Chryssi
Hey, you're the six thousandth comment. Nice. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the story.
Perhaps a bit more detail in the later parts would be helpful to establish that each of the characters are still in the same place. I had the impression that there were six rooms instead of one, but this might just be me.
Yeah, the latter scenes weren't as polished as I would have preferred, but rest assured that I'll try to make everything clearer without compromising the mystery aspect.
>>Cold in Gardez
if you're going to reincarnate someone from the distant past, why let them wake up in a locked, dingy cell? Is that the best accommodations they have in the future?
While far from ideal, they work with what they have. Besides, it's not quite a dingy cell, it only appears that way initially.
...
Boy, it sure sounds worse when I put it that way.
Regardless, I think I may have gone overboard when trying to make the room seem ominous. I'll try to find a way to make it look as less of a trashy place without dropping the dread levels.
>>CoffeeMinion
I'll largely echo what others have said: we go from tense and creepy to "only you can save Equestria" in a very short span
Yeah... My intent was to make the reveal more gradual and have Serene Breeze walk them through every step, but my poor planning and less-than-stellar work ethics led me to finish the story in a frenzy. My bad.
Or, use this as chapter 1 of a longer work, where there's space to let this be a hook that makes us want to read more about the dark future Equestria we find ourselves in.
I originally wanted this to be a standalone, but as I wrote, some thoughts popped into my mind that could make this work in a longer series.
Hey, one plot point I never got around using was that the mare they used as a host for the Mane6 was Serene Breeze's younger sister, which would lead to some common ground when dealing with AJ and Rarity.
These are all Could be's, though. For the time being I'll do my best to kick this story into shape so it can better work as a standalone piece, and if I can come up with a solid or even better follow up to this, then I surely will work on that.
>>Not_A_Hat
I think it's taking rather too long and not doing nearly enough with the amount of words you've used
Quick tip, if any of you stumble accross a story in future rounds that uses thousands of words to say very little, it's probably going to be me.
It's easy for me to go overboard and end up with long winded scenes that could just as effectively been told in half the length.
All these ponies are different colors. And some of them have wings while others don't?
As I mentioned, this was supposed to be covered by the spell, which I didn't go on detail with Serene Breeze's explanation. They can only see themselves as themselves, but the effects don't extend to other ponies/objects. Plus, there was the dizziness that came from having their minds settle in the body of the host.
As I look back at the story, I notice a combination of foreshadowing that was too subtle, and a lackluster resolution worked together to bring the story down.
it seemed to me that the descriptions each of them gave of the cell didn't really match. Dash's just had a door; Applejack's had a hole, Rarity's had pipes, and Pinkie's had all that plus bars?
They were only noticing new things as time went on as a result of the spell being cast.
I believe what worked against me was only portraying Rainbow Dash as suffering the effects of the spell. She's the only one who suffers the symptoms Serene Breeze later mentions. Perhaps if there'd been a continuing theme of impaired perception, things would have been paradoxically clearer.
----
Alright, I believe I addressed all the larger issues. Thanks once again for the feedback, it really means a lot.
Even despite all my shortcomings when writing this, I'm still stoked about reaching the finals. Here's hoping I can deliver something even better in the future. ^ ^
Oh, and as a sidenote, this is my first time writing Fluttershy, so that should at least explain why her scenes are the more subdued ones.
Good job, everyone, for a strong round, and hearty congratulations to GroaningGreyAgony, CoffeeMinion, and Posh!
Many thanks for the implied compliment of those of you who were sure the winning stories were mine, but no, I wrote something more flawed. Far more flawed, based on the explosion of discussion. I suppose my record-setting fifth Most Controversial badge was well-earned. :-p
(Is 35 comments a record, too? Someone said it was. I haven't gone back through the older Writeoff galleries to check.)
Anyway, this story's been kind of talked to death and I'm not sure how much I have to add, but I kind of feel the need to say something retrospective-ish to bring a little author closure to all of the hanging arguments.
1) There seems to have been a significant split between two factions: those who saw the culprit from the start and those who didn't. I could try to throw in more red herrings for the second crowd, but honestly, having about 50% of your readers catch the solution early seems like a pretty good outcome for a mystery. I have a horrible tendency to overcomplicate and out-subtle myself, so if about half of you are complaining you saw through it, this is probably about as wider-audience approachable as my stories are ever gonna get.
2) There seems to have been a much more passionate split between two factions: those who were deeply bothered by the fundamental non-poniness/OOCness of the characters and setting, and those who rolled with it and enjoyed the story anyway. (I did, to some extent, expect this. That was why I predicted I wouldn't make finals.)
I think we can all agree, including me, that these are not the characters from the show. I'm really grateful to >>CoffeeMinion for taking my side on my attempts to justify that --
-- and I do want to confirm that all of the things which were specifically cited as intentional, building a foundation for the sort of AU where murder and rape and evil-for-the-sake-of-political-expediency happen, WERE in fact intentional. Be that as it may, I still felt that the justifications for everyone's behavior were the weakest part of the story when I turned it in -- but this was a goddamn sprint against the deadline given that Friday was lost to plotting (and I want to give a shout out to Pascoite for taking some extra time to give me Friday help), and Saturday was lost to tabletop gaming. Numerous other problems have been pointed out throughout the thread which my attempts at foundation-building didn't cover or covered only indirectly, and I agree that they're problems, and it's gonna take a lot of work to extend my foundations to them.
To be honest ... this story feels like it's going to take a vast amount of work to bring to publishable shape. There are just so many things (discussed above) to fix it that it almost feels like a waste of time to engage with all of the smart and legitimate criticism -- given that, instead of spending the weeks it would take to rip this story apart, I could instead be going after low-hanging fruit like Time Enough For Love, Slingshot, Case of the Cowled Changelings, Mark of Destiny, etc etc etc. So, like Celestia, I'm pretty much resigned to cracking this one over the head and throwing it out back, hoping to let its failings and its controversies quietly die with it.
If anyone really strongly believes in what this story could become -- and I'm kind of going off-analogy here -- I invite you to become the Twilight to my Celestia, and take charge of redeeming it. A lot of ink's been spilled about its problems, but I'm not seeing a lot of concrete solutions for how to fix those things, and I don't know that I've got it in me to sink the effort into building those up beyond what I've already tried. So if there's any one of you with a burning vision in your head of how to make this story great -- and you're willing to take responsibility for ripping the story apart to do it -- let's talk about collaboration. I don't mean just you giving me the ideas, I mean someone who likes this enough to step up as co-author. I can throw it to the winds and let you do what you will with it, or I can chat with you about my vision and the ideas that didn't make it onto the page. But either way this would almost certainly come down to you repairing it to the standards of the critics above (and posting it yourself, if you want, crediting us both).
So, yeah. Back to Time Enough For Love. I got some good work done on Chapter 2 on Monday and I want to keep up that momentum. Thanks again, everyone, for reading and participating.
Many thanks for the implied compliment of those of you who were sure the winning stories were mine, but no, I wrote something more flawed. Far more flawed, based on the explosion of discussion. I suppose my record-setting fifth Most Controversial badge was well-earned. :-p
(Is 35 comments a record, too? Someone said it was. I haven't gone back through the older Writeoff galleries to check.)
Anyway, this story's been kind of talked to death and I'm not sure how much I have to add, but I kind of feel the need to say something retrospective-ish to bring a little author closure to all of the hanging arguments.
1) There seems to have been a significant split between two factions: those who saw the culprit from the start and those who didn't. I could try to throw in more red herrings for the second crowd, but honestly, having about 50% of your readers catch the solution early seems like a pretty good outcome for a mystery. I have a horrible tendency to overcomplicate and out-subtle myself, so if about half of you are complaining you saw through it, this is probably about as wider-audience approachable as my stories are ever gonna get.
2) There seems to have been a much more passionate split between two factions: those who were deeply bothered by the fundamental non-poniness/OOCness of the characters and setting, and those who rolled with it and enjoyed the story anyway. (I did, to some extent, expect this. That was why I predicted I wouldn't make finals.)
I think we can all agree, including me, that these are not the characters from the show. I'm really grateful to >>CoffeeMinion for taking my side on my attempts to justify that --
Of course, my view is that all of the above was deliberately put in place by the Author, and my praise for the work comes in part because I see all that embedded in there.
-- and I do want to confirm that all of the things which were specifically cited as intentional, building a foundation for the sort of AU where murder and rape and evil-for-the-sake-of-political-expediency happen, WERE in fact intentional. Be that as it may, I still felt that the justifications for everyone's behavior were the weakest part of the story when I turned it in -- but this was a goddamn sprint against the deadline given that Friday was lost to plotting (and I want to give a shout out to Pascoite for taking some extra time to give me Friday help), and Saturday was lost to tabletop gaming. Numerous other problems have been pointed out throughout the thread which my attempts at foundation-building didn't cover or covered only indirectly, and I agree that they're problems, and it's gonna take a lot of work to extend my foundations to them.
To be honest ... this story feels like it's going to take a vast amount of work to bring to publishable shape. There are just so many things (discussed above) to fix it that it almost feels like a waste of time to engage with all of the smart and legitimate criticism -- given that, instead of spending the weeks it would take to rip this story apart, I could instead be going after low-hanging fruit like Time Enough For Love, Slingshot, Case of the Cowled Changelings, Mark of Destiny, etc etc etc. So, like Celestia, I'm pretty much resigned to cracking this one over the head and throwing it out back, hoping to let its failings and its controversies quietly die with it.
If anyone really strongly believes in what this story could become -- and I'm kind of going off-analogy here -- I invite you to become the Twilight to my Celestia, and take charge of redeeming it. A lot of ink's been spilled about its problems, but I'm not seeing a lot of concrete solutions for how to fix those things, and I don't know that I've got it in me to sink the effort into building those up beyond what I've already tried. So if there's any one of you with a burning vision in your head of how to make this story great -- and you're willing to take responsibility for ripping the story apart to do it -- let's talk about collaboration. I don't mean just you giving me the ideas, I mean someone who likes this enough to step up as co-author. I can throw it to the winds and let you do what you will with it, or I can chat with you about my vision and the ideas that didn't make it onto the page. But either way this would almost certainly come down to you repairing it to the standards of the critics above (and posting it yourself, if you want, crediting us both).
So, yeah. Back to Time Enough For Love. I got some good work done on Chapter 2 on Monday and I want to keep up that momentum. Thanks again, everyone, for reading and participating.
>>Bachiavellian
So... I feel incredibly toolish right now, with the whole promising a publish and not getting it out. :S
In all honesty, it was a lot harder than I expected to get back into the mindset I was in when I originally wrote the story. I guess that's what happens when you abandon something for two years. :P
Still, I've made some good progress and I've finally figured out what I want to do with the themes. So, I guess the challenge was kinda sorta a success, in that it finally got my wheels turning. Concession prizes for everyone!
Anyways, congrats to all our winners and participants this round! It looks I was really out of sync with what everyone else enjoyed--I actually had "To Fly" at the top of my slate. Always interesting to read differing opinions, though, so thanks for that, guys.
Gonna keep plugging away at editing; hopefully I'll be done before the next competition starts. See you guys then!
So... I feel incredibly toolish right now, with the whole promising a publish and not getting it out. :S
In all honesty, it was a lot harder than I expected to get back into the mindset I was in when I originally wrote the story. I guess that's what happens when you abandon something for two years. :P
Still, I've made some good progress and I've finally figured out what I want to do with the themes. So, I guess the challenge was kinda sorta a success, in that it finally got my wheels turning. Concession prizes for everyone!
Anyways, congrats to all our winners and participants this round! It looks I was really out of sync with what everyone else enjoyed--I actually had "To Fly" at the top of my slate. Always interesting to read differing opinions, though, so thanks for that, guys.
Gonna keep plugging away at editing; hopefully I'll be done before the next competition starts. See you guys then!
Before I spend any length of time writing about/reflecting on House, I want to respond to our resident orange horse person:
>>horizon I should get this out of the way, first: I really don't have the time or energy (or, frankly, the necessary ability) to co-author this with you, so I won't submit myself as a candidate. But I can encourage you not to so quickly take it out back and put it down.
Despite my criticisms of the premise, which I stand by, I think the mystery element was very well played. I loved the use of Twilight as an inexperienced but intelligent gumshoe-y detective, and as a reader, I'd happily gobble down an entire story about that. Twilight pokes her nose into the mystery, investigates the background, and gradually puts the pieces together about Blue Cosby. The murder of What's-Her-Face the maid comes up. Twilight starts investigating a link between her murder and Blueblood's, interviews some of the castle staff, figures out that Blueblood was a scumbag, and gradually puts together a more-or-less complete understanding of the crime, the motivations behind it, and, eventually, the murderer herself. Things like what Rarity was doing with Blueblood on the night of the murder could come up over the course of the investigation.
And if you're going to go the route of having a cloak-and-dagger-y Equestrian political world, where royals and aristocrats are maneuvering around one another, get into the specifics of it a little bit more. There has to be a reason why Celestia would participate in a cover-up to protect a nephew whose life she clearly doesn't think a great deal of. What leverage does he, some inbred princeling have over her, the horse-goddess of the sun? What is the relationship between the crown and the aristocracy? Who employs the Guard, in particular, Inspector Jerk-Pony? And what would happen if Celestia brought charges against him?
Near as I can tell, Celestia's rule is propped up on stilts, and sufficiently pissing off the aristocracy could upset the whole thing. Maybe they would have used Blueblood's arrest as a rallying cry to depose her and install, like, Cloudkicker as the new ruler, I don't know. Or even Blueblood himself, depending on the line of succession.
So, knowing that she needs to put a halt to Blueblood's insidious inseminations, and fully cognizant of what would happen if she tried to have him arrested, she arranges a death for him that looks like a suicide, while quietly burying any evidence of his naughty, naughty ways.
I guess, really, it boils down to exploring the mystery in greater detail and better establishing the specifics of Equestria's political machine.
>>horizon I should get this out of the way, first: I really don't have the time or energy (or, frankly, the necessary ability) to co-author this with you, so I won't submit myself as a candidate. But I can encourage you not to so quickly take it out back and put it down.
Despite my criticisms of the premise, which I stand by, I think the mystery element was very well played. I loved the use of Twilight as an inexperienced but intelligent gumshoe-y detective, and as a reader, I'd happily gobble down an entire story about that. Twilight pokes her nose into the mystery, investigates the background, and gradually puts the pieces together about Blue Cosby. The murder of What's-Her-Face the maid comes up. Twilight starts investigating a link between her murder and Blueblood's, interviews some of the castle staff, figures out that Blueblood was a scumbag, and gradually puts together a more-or-less complete understanding of the crime, the motivations behind it, and, eventually, the murderer herself. Things like what Rarity was doing with Blueblood on the night of the murder could come up over the course of the investigation.
And if you're going to go the route of having a cloak-and-dagger-y Equestrian political world, where royals and aristocrats are maneuvering around one another, get into the specifics of it a little bit more. There has to be a reason why Celestia would participate in a cover-up to protect a nephew whose life she clearly doesn't think a great deal of. What leverage does he, some inbred princeling have over her, the horse-goddess of the sun? What is the relationship between the crown and the aristocracy? Who employs the Guard, in particular, Inspector Jerk-Pony? And what would happen if Celestia brought charges against him?
Near as I can tell, Celestia's rule is propped up on stilts, and sufficiently pissing off the aristocracy could upset the whole thing. Maybe they would have used Blueblood's arrest as a rallying cry to depose her and install, like, Cloudkicker as the new ruler, I don't know. Or even Blueblood himself, depending on the line of succession.
So, knowing that she needs to put a halt to Blueblood's insidious inseminations, and fully cognizant of what would happen if she tried to have him arrested, she arranges a death for him that looks like a suicide, while quietly burying any evidence of his naughty, naughty ways.
I guess, really, it boils down to exploring the mystery in greater detail and better establishing the specifics of Equestria's political machine.
I have medaled in things we were not meant to ken, at least not easily, and I am enormously pleased. My thanks to all for comments, criticism, and votes. Herewith begin my responses:
>>Morning Sun >>Morning Sun
I also was surprised to discover that Horizon didn't write this. ;) Seriously, I was a bit nervous because I was talking about Pinkie's stream of consciousness on the first page of comments. I'm glad it wasn't that obvious.
The ice cream suggestion is spot on! I did it the first way because in the original ballad, the liquor is spilled on Finnegan in that manner. But it makes much more sense for Pinkie to eat it, particularly as she triggered the event, is expecting it, and would never let good food go to waste. Adopted, and thanks!
As to making all her spoken dialogue normal Pinkish… I rather like it the way it is. But since you and FoME both mention it, I'll consider it as I prepare the story for posting on Fimfiction.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you for your praise and advice! You may certainly record this work; I suggest that you wait until I have the polished version done.
>>Posh
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I appreciate your candor. FW takes a special kind of weird to enjoy. Thanks for understanding that this weird deserves to be expressed, regardless.
>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you very much for your praise!
>>AndrewRogue
Don't put yourself down; the study of literature is broad enough to have specialties, and people have legitimate preferences on top of that. Thanks for recognizing the technical virtues!
>>georg
Thank you for the explicit and implicit praise! May I ask whom you suspected?
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks, buddy! I couldn’t have done it without you.
>>Morning Sun >>Morning Sun
I also was surprised to discover that Horizon didn't write this. ;) Seriously, I was a bit nervous because I was talking about Pinkie's stream of consciousness on the first page of comments. I'm glad it wasn't that obvious.
The ice cream suggestion is spot on! I did it the first way because in the original ballad, the liquor is spilled on Finnegan in that manner. But it makes much more sense for Pinkie to eat it, particularly as she triggered the event, is expecting it, and would never let good food go to waste. Adopted, and thanks!
As to making all her spoken dialogue normal Pinkish… I rather like it the way it is. But since you and FoME both mention it, I'll consider it as I prepare the story for posting on Fimfiction.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you for your praise and advice! You may certainly record this work; I suggest that you wait until I have the polished version done.
>>Posh
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I appreciate your candor. FW takes a special kind of weird to enjoy. Thanks for understanding that this weird deserves to be expressed, regardless.
>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you very much for your praise!
>>AndrewRogue
Don't put yourself down; the study of literature is broad enough to have specialties, and people have legitimate preferences on top of that. Thanks for recognizing the technical virtues!
>>georg
Thank you for the explicit and implicit praise! May I ask whom you suspected?
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks, buddy! I couldn’t have done it without you.
I have yet to read this. I've been so swamped by work and in real life stuff, I didn't even get a chance to enter in this writeoff, and it's so disappointing to me because I was excited to participate and it just didn't happen.
However, not all is lost. I haven't read this story yet, but I've read the comments, and while I can't say these kind of stories are my "forte" this one has definitely caught my attention. And if it gives me an excuse to write with the ever-talented Horizon, I would be interested in collabing if I like the story enough. I should have some time Saturday or Sunday to sit down and read, so I can give you an answer, Horizon, then. But I must admit... I'm fairly excited over this. I've skimmed the story, haven't been able to fully enjoy (or loathe) this story yet. But... this is definitely something that's captured my interest. For the time being, throw my name on the rim of the hat. It's got enough tug to attract me to it, but I really want to experience this before I dive in. :p
However, not all is lost. I haven't read this story yet, but I've read the comments, and while I can't say these kind of stories are my "forte" this one has definitely caught my attention. And if it gives me an excuse to write with the ever-talented Horizon, I would be interested in collabing if I like the story enough. I should have some time Saturday or Sunday to sit down and read, so I can give you an answer, Horizon, then. But I must admit... I'm fairly excited over this. I've skimmed the story, haven't been able to fully enjoy (or loathe) this story yet. But... this is definitely something that's captured my interest. For the time being, throw my name on the rim of the hat. It's got enough tug to attract me to it, but I really want to experience this before I dive in. :p
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Zaid Val'Roa >>Morning Sun >>Baal Bunny >>Posh >>CoffeeMinion >>georg >>AndrewRogue >>Not_A_Hat
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed Cutie Unmarked. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
This story was loosely based on the Hitagi Crab arc from the anime series "Bakemonogatari," and I was aiming to capture some of its themes and ideas. The core one is "meet someone who has a problem, the problem is caused by a spirit/god (in the shinto sense), the problem is actually just an external reflection of their internal issues".
I plan to take a lot of the feedback into account, get it polished up, and post it to fimfiction, once I can get an appropriate coverart commissioned.
A few things I want to address specifically.
When I was first outlining the story, and considering which CMC to make the protagonist, Apple Bloom stood out to me as the right choice. She has the relationship with Zecora. She has previous experience with weird cutie mark magic. And personality wise, she's the most level headed and the one to easily take charge of the situation and lead Magnet to where she needs to go.
I also couldn't picture either Scootaloo or Sweetie Belle offering the advice Apple Bloom gives during the climax.
Honestly, the biggest reason for this scene was one of pacing. I knew that going straight from "there's a problem" to "hey look Zecora has the solution" might be a little to fast, so I added an extra try/fail cycle with Twilight. The most important part of the scene is actually Apple Bloom's discussion on Magnet being from Mareami, though that could theoretically be slotted somewhere else.
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed Cutie Unmarked. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
This story was loosely based on the Hitagi Crab arc from the anime series "Bakemonogatari," and I was aiming to capture some of its themes and ideas. The core one is "meet someone who has a problem, the problem is caused by a spirit/god (in the shinto sense), the problem is actually just an external reflection of their internal issues".
I plan to take a lot of the feedback into account, get it polished up, and post it to fimfiction, once I can get an appropriate coverart commissioned.
A few things I want to address specifically.
Apple Bloom's actual involvement is... surprisingly minimal. I don't know. As written, it really just doesn't have any real ties to Apple Bloom in particular. Like, it feels like you could slots any of the CMC in here and you'd more or less have the same story. Like, it's a cute little mystery for her and that's all. All told, as written, I feel like this'd be a more interesting story to hear from Magnet's point of view.
When I was first outlining the story, and considering which CMC to make the protagonist, Apple Bloom stood out to me as the right choice. She has the relationship with Zecora. She has previous experience with weird cutie mark magic. And personality wise, she's the most level headed and the one to easily take charge of the situation and lead Magnet to where she needs to go.
I also couldn't picture either Scootaloo or Sweetie Belle offering the advice Apple Bloom gives during the climax.
I'll add, however, that the Twilight/Starlight scene doesn't seem to be pulling it's weight at all to me. Those characters don't do anything for the story besides crack a few jokes; if you can't find a way to pull them into the plot proper (maybe Starlight can give some advice on accepting cutie marks for what they are? That seems like a missed opportunity to rationalize Magnet's change of heart;) you'd be better off straight-up cutting it, because it's merely a sideshow diversion right now.
Honestly, the biggest reason for this scene was one of pacing. I knew that going straight from "there's a problem" to "hey look Zecora has the solution" might be a little to fast, so I added an extra try/fail cycle with Twilight. The most important part of the scene is actually Apple Bloom's discussion on Magnet being from Mareami, though that could theoretically be slotted somewhere else.
>>Posh
Thank you for the kind words. I hear what you are saying, but what you're suggesting that I do boils down to a massive rewrite, and there are two problems with that:
1) I hate rewrites more than anything else about editing.
2) In the time it would take me to drag myself through the rewrite process, I could have fixed and posted at least three stories that both I and readers are more enthusiastic about, because I have a LOT of solid Writeoff stories needing much less repair that haven't made the jump.
I'm just trying to be realistic about the fact that, while I could certainly work on this one, it is going to go so low on my priority list that it's just not going to happen. I'm asking because it's possible somebody cares about this more than me.
> points at your medals
:V
Thank you for the kind words. I hear what you are saying, but what you're suggesting that I do boils down to a massive rewrite, and there are two problems with that:
1) I hate rewrites more than anything else about editing.
2) In the time it would take me to drag myself through the rewrite process, I could have fixed and posted at least three stories that both I and readers are more enthusiastic about, because I have a LOT of solid Writeoff stories needing much less repair that haven't made the jump.
I'm just trying to be realistic about the fact that, while I could certainly work on this one, it is going to go so low on my priority list that it's just not going to happen. I'm asking because it's possible somebody cares about this more than me.
I really don't have the … necessary ability to co-author this with you
> points at your medals
:V
>>QuillScratch
Thanks for the summary, and thank you very much for the kind praise, here and in the succeeding comment! Fuller reply below.
>>QuillScratch
Okay, here we go… But first, I need to make a confession.
A friend of mine, viewing a draft, observed to me that it must have taken a tremendous amount of effort to compose this work. The truth is… it was relatively easy for me, and lots of fun.
Now, what I said in my fake review comment is actually true: I love FW more than it loves me, and I have never made it very far through the novel; nor have I made a study of the body of scholarship packed around it like Talmud commentary. [I respect the fact that you and others have done so.] I just happen to be good at writing Wake!Joycean, and I love to do it. But there are so few occasions that call for it! (If anyone reading this does know how to earn some cheese sandwiches thereby, please let me know.)
So, as you say, I could just plead the case that if I can’t write Joycean for fun in a writeoff, where in the sevine helvens can I do it?
Or…
It’s almost canon that Pinkie has more than one personality. There’s Straight-hair Pinkamena, her randomness suggests multiple thought processes happening at once, and her experience with the mirror pool is also suggestive.
While one personality of Pinkie is on deck and controlling the body, the others are likely in a semi- or subconscious state. Perhaps some go so far as to dream, with external events informing the state of that dream.
So perhaps the story is really the record of one of Pinkie’s internal dreams, or several of her dreaming personalities observing together…?
Or…
Nuclear option: I hereby declare that my version of Joycean can be used for other purposes if I choose. Finnegan’s Awake! :)
Thank you very much again for your kind words. I am very pleased that you enjoyed my little effort.
Thanks for the summary, and thank you very much for the kind praise, here and in the succeeding comment! Fuller reply below.
>>QuillScratch
Okay, here we go… But first, I need to make a confession.
A friend of mine, viewing a draft, observed to me that it must have taken a tremendous amount of effort to compose this work. The truth is… it was relatively easy for me, and lots of fun.
Now, what I said in my fake review comment is actually true: I love FW more than it loves me, and I have never made it very far through the novel; nor have I made a study of the body of scholarship packed around it like Talmud commentary. [I respect the fact that you and others have done so.] I just happen to be good at writing Wake!Joycean, and I love to do it. But there are so few occasions that call for it! (If anyone reading this does know how to earn some cheese sandwiches thereby, please let me know.)
So, as you say, I could just plead the case that if I can’t write Joycean for fun in a writeoff, where in the sevine helvens can I do it?
Or…
It’s almost canon that Pinkie has more than one personality. There’s Straight-hair Pinkamena, her randomness suggests multiple thought processes happening at once, and her experience with the mirror pool is also suggestive.
While one personality of Pinkie is on deck and controlling the body, the others are likely in a semi- or subconscious state. Perhaps some go so far as to dream, with external events informing the state of that dream.
So perhaps the story is really the record of one of Pinkie’s internal dreams, or several of her dreaming personalities observing together…?
Or…
Nuclear option: I hereby declare that my version of Joycean can be used for other purposes if I choose. Finnegan’s Awake! :)
Thank you very much again for your kind words. I am very pleased that you enjoyed my little effort.
>>horizon
Well, now in some ways I feel a bit sillier than I already did. :3 I just rolled with the differences from canon and never quite realized that it was supposed to be a straight-up AU.
But, given that it's an AU, I don't think this would need quite as much work as you might fear, 'cuz AU, baby. All you have to do is lay out more specifics about how the ground-rules of this AU are different from that of the prime universe, and then have those tie back into the story's conclusion. I think >>Posh nails it about one of the main things you could flesh-out both for the sake of anchoring the story more strongly, and for the sake of establishing the AU-ness of this AU:
Bonus AU-fying suggestions, please steal all/some if helpful:
Maybe the core of the AU is that Celestia was much more accommodating with Sunset Shimmer, because she felt confident Sunset had sufficient potential to be able to stop Nightmare Moon. But in keeping Sunset, she enabled Sunset's pseudo-megalomaniacal behavior, which made the nobles angry and fearful. Twilight still became another of Celestia's students, and Sunset still eventually bailed out through the mirror, but by then the damage with the nobility was done: Celestia had lost much of her credibility, and Blueblood began to emerged as a vocal opponent of her seemingly unchecked power. This view only became stronger when (a much less-prepared) Twilight confronted Nightmare Moon, failed to defeat her, and Celestia intervened and killed Nightmare Moon.
(I've no clue how Twi ends up being the Princess of Friendship in this scenario; maybe she's not, and she's still just a unicorn, albeit a powerful and well-connected one.)
As time's gone on since NMM's death, Celestia's ability to keep the nobles from outright revolt has grown more tenuous. Of course Celestia knows all about the skeletons in Blueblood's closet, but moving against him would only trigger a full-blown revolution.
By the time the story happens, Celestia has decided she must remove her disgusting opponent due to his misdeeds, but she's desperately fearful of the repercussions... and of course Twilight inadvertently blows the lid off the whole thing. The only question is how Rarity fits into this AU...
...but if any of this seems helpful, I think it could basically be injected without a ton of re-work.
Well, now in some ways I feel a bit sillier than I already did. :3 I just rolled with the differences from canon and never quite realized that it was supposed to be a straight-up AU.
But, given that it's an AU, I don't think this would need quite as much work as you might fear, 'cuz AU, baby. All you have to do is lay out more specifics about how the ground-rules of this AU are different from that of the prime universe, and then have those tie back into the story's conclusion. I think >>Posh nails it about one of the main things you could flesh-out both for the sake of anchoring the story more strongly, and for the sake of establishing the AU-ness of this AU:
And if you're going to go the route of having a cloak-and-dagger-y Equestrian political world, where royals and aristocrats are maneuvering around one another, get into the specifics of it a little bit more. There has to be a reason why Celestia would participate in a cover-up to protect a nephew whose life she clearly doesn't think a great deal of. What leverage does he, some inbred princeling have over her, the horse-goddess of the sun? What is the relationship between the crown and the aristocracy?
Bonus AU-fying suggestions, please steal all/some if helpful:
Maybe the core of the AU is that Celestia was much more accommodating with Sunset Shimmer, because she felt confident Sunset had sufficient potential to be able to stop Nightmare Moon. But in keeping Sunset, she enabled Sunset's pseudo-megalomaniacal behavior, which made the nobles angry and fearful. Twilight still became another of Celestia's students, and Sunset still eventually bailed out through the mirror, but by then the damage with the nobility was done: Celestia had lost much of her credibility, and Blueblood began to emerged as a vocal opponent of her seemingly unchecked power. This view only became stronger when (a much less-prepared) Twilight confronted Nightmare Moon, failed to defeat her, and Celestia intervened and killed Nightmare Moon.
(I've no clue how Twi ends up being the Princess of Friendship in this scenario; maybe she's not, and she's still just a unicorn, albeit a powerful and well-connected one.)
As time's gone on since NMM's death, Celestia's ability to keep the nobles from outright revolt has grown more tenuous. Of course Celestia knows all about the skeletons in Blueblood's closet, but moving against him would only trigger a full-blown revolution.
By the time the story happens, Celestia has decided she must remove her disgusting opponent due to his misdeeds, but she's desperately fearful of the repercussions... and of course Twilight inadvertently blows the lid off the whole thing. The only question is how Rarity fits into this AU...
...but if any of this seems helpful, I think it could basically be injected without a ton of re-work.
>>Baal Bunny
In regaldance to the pre-posed altarcarations…Mayhap, maybe. Devisions are underweigh.
–That was my error. Fixed. Thanks!
In regaldance to the pre-posed altarcarations…Mayhap, maybe. Devisions are underweigh.
–That was my error. Fixed. Thanks!
Time Enough For A Time Enough For Wub Retrospective: A Retrospective
First of all, thank you to everyone for reading, commenting, and voting on this. It took me a year of trying, but I finally landed a Writeoff medal! This was doubtlessly aided by Pascoite'sthrashing feedback on my initial outline on Friday night, as well as the huge coattails that horizon left for me to ride on.
And yes, as >>horizon suspected, this started as a random intrusive thought about punning the title of Time Enough For Love, but it rapidly took on a life of its own... kind of literally. I'm sure everyone has had the experience of a story that grabs you and demands to be written; this was that story for me. Even when I entered the second day with nothing more than a (friggin' long) outline and little-to-no clearly defined writing time that I could count on during the day, there was this feeling in the back of my head that this had to get written. When I got into the third day and I was nowhere near finished and I could tell I would have to pull a (darn near almost) all-nighter to get it there... the story stayed there in the back of my head, and simply would not let go. So if you want to know why it got choppy once it hit Ponyville, it's because the story itself insisted I keep barreling onward through the final night.
I blame my work/life situation right now. I'm busy with lots of good things, but recently I've had very little time to relax. So of course my brain decided it needed to relax by TOTALLY OVERCOMPENSATING and WRITING THE HELL OUT OF a fun little story SO HARD!!! XD
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Glad this worked for you! :-) I agree they could have had more time to settle into their attraction a bit more naturally. The one thing I really wanted to do differently, but didn't have time to change, was have them make it to the friggin' coffee shop. I think I could've squeezed a lot of mileage out of just having that in there.
>>Posh
What up, jagweed?! :-p No, seriously, I loved your comment. I felt that the bottle was a bit contrived myself, and it had only been a small throwaway note in my outline, but then the blasted thing took on all kinds of significance once it showed up on the page. This was good early confirmation that it wasn't so contrived as to lose the whole audience. I also agree that the Pinkie scene could be cut... and I came really close to cutting it, but by that point it was like 3am-4am and I could tell my decision-making powers were pretty badly compromised, so I left it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you, and it will get there!
>>horizon
This was of course my favorite comment because how could it not be. :-p I'm glad to receive your blessing for this riff on your (let's be honest) stronger and less conventional tale. But speaking of things that could have been stronger:
Y'know what? You're absolutely right. I've given this a lot of thought, and I think what I might do is keep the scene where he doesn't tell her (because it's too drama-licious not to keep), but then I'll have him open up about everything when they get together the next morning, and I'll have him basically use what you articulated as the reason why he changed his mind. That should let me build the relationship a bit more (because he's decided to go to that level of intimacy), and give Vinyl a bit of agency back (because now she's choosing to follow him with a fuller understanding of what he's up to), while still letting me save the big kissy happy stuff for the end (because it's not as satisfying if they get to do that earlier, ja?).
Oh, and don't worry, of course I'll hold off on publishing this until TEFL is posted. No joust, bro! :-p
>>Bachiavellian
Curses, you've seen through my B.S.! D:
...No seriously, I get where you're coming from, and I can't disagree with any of it. You've voiced many of my internal doubts about the story, but also some of the things that it relies on that can't easily be shifted. Plot-and-theme-wise, it's kind of a hot mess, and there are some definite learning experiences in here.
>>CoffeeMinion
lol, my own complaint about Vinyl's character voice. :-p I haven't read many stories with her in a speaking role, so I was operating with only a dim recollection of some Nowacking videos on Youtube, and what little I could tease out of a discussion of her character in a group forum on FimFiction. I seriously worried that people would find it abrasive. I came super close to word-replacing out all the instances of "bro", and it was only with discomfort that I kept her references to numerical attractiveness scores, as I feared it would be overtly offensive. (I.e., consider if it was coming from a guy to a girl instead of a girl to a guy... it's an equally backward view of the value of a person either way, but I seem to think guy-to-girl is viewed as more gauche due to its ties to male sexism, which does seem to be more prevalent.)
Oh well. I rolled the dice!
>>Morning Sun
Thank you; these are things that could bear to be tightened-up.
>>Not_A_Hat
I agree it would be good to bring the bottle in sooner. As I said above, it wasn't ever intended to be such a big thing; hence the lack of setup for it.
I don't yet know how to shoehorn a mention of it into the opening club-and-Starswirl scene, but it seems worth doing...
>>Baal Bunny
>>Posh
I loved these, thank you guys. :-) Yep, the whole adventure was a Macguffin in the end. The only bad thing is that I don't think this could turn into a much longer work... I know there's some stuff that needs reworking/expansion, but I don't know if developing the Macguffin-ness of the Macguffin too much more would actually help. Perhaps we'll see.
>>georg
Great things to work on here, thank you!
>>The_Letter_J
I totally wanted him to mention Twilight!! Sadly, I forgot to work it in until the scene was already written and it was too late for me to find a good place to insert that. But yes of course she'd want to keep him for as long as she could. Thank you for calling that out, and thank you for your praise!
>>AndrewRogue
Lots of great stuff here. ^^
Absolutely. As of right now, I like the ending too much to want to overhaul it, so I want to give them more time and/or more connection earlier in the story. I think that's doable...
This was something that I knew was a risk. All of my outlines had a conversation between them. But then I wrote the final scene, and I summarized the conversation in a couple of lines, and... at that point I didn't have time to go back and insert the conversation anyway, but honestly, I thought the story might stand well enough without it. I might have to try drafting it and seeing if it fits. But in the end, much as I respect the wish to get a stronger resolution of that part of the story, I see this as a story about Vinyl moving on, and I don't know if actually putting Octavia in it would confuse that.
I'd already pretty much decided to change this based on horizon's earlier comment, but hearing this again was good confirmation. I agree, and consider it done!
Thanks again, folks! Who knew I could crank out ~6500 words in ~9 hours and not have them suck?!
First of all, thank you to everyone for reading, commenting, and voting on this. It took me a year of trying, but I finally landed a Writeoff medal! This was doubtlessly aided by Pascoite's
And yes, as >>horizon suspected, this started as a random intrusive thought about punning the title of Time Enough For Love, but it rapidly took on a life of its own... kind of literally. I'm sure everyone has had the experience of a story that grabs you and demands to be written; this was that story for me. Even when I entered the second day with nothing more than a (friggin' long) outline and little-to-no clearly defined writing time that I could count on during the day, there was this feeling in the back of my head that this had to get written. When I got into the third day and I was nowhere near finished and I could tell I would have to pull a (darn near almost) all-nighter to get it there... the story stayed there in the back of my head, and simply would not let go. So if you want to know why it got choppy once it hit Ponyville, it's because the story itself insisted I keep barreling onward through the final night.
I blame my work/life situation right now. I'm busy with lots of good things, but recently I've had very little time to relax. So of course my brain decided it needed to relax by TOTALLY OVERCOMPENSATING and WRITING THE HELL OUT OF a fun little story SO HARD!!! XD
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Glad this worked for you! :-) I agree they could have had more time to settle into their attraction a bit more naturally. The one thing I really wanted to do differently, but didn't have time to change, was have them make it to the friggin' coffee shop. I think I could've squeezed a lot of mileage out of just having that in there.
>>Posh
What up, jagweed?! :-p No, seriously, I loved your comment. I felt that the bottle was a bit contrived myself, and it had only been a small throwaway note in my outline, but then the blasted thing took on all kinds of significance once it showed up on the page. This was good early confirmation that it wasn't so contrived as to lose the whole audience. I also agree that the Pinkie scene could be cut... and I came really close to cutting it, but by that point it was like 3am-4am and I could tell my decision-making powers were pretty badly compromised, so I left it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you, and it will get there!
>>horizon
This was of course my favorite comment because how could it not be. :-p I'm glad to receive your blessing for this riff on your (let's be honest) stronger and less conventional tale. But speaking of things that could have been stronger:
to me it didn't feel like they really were getting close at all if after all that he can want her not to get involved. Telling your partner secrets, asking for their trust, can be a really intimate act. Refusing to do so is a pretty big statement. Given that the core arc here is a romance, I think that making that statement needs to be handled more delicately.
Y'know what? You're absolutely right. I've given this a lot of thought, and I think what I might do is keep the scene where he doesn't tell her (because it's too drama-licious not to keep), but then I'll have him open up about everything when they get together the next morning, and I'll have him basically use what you articulated as the reason why he changed his mind. That should let me build the relationship a bit more (because he's decided to go to that level of intimacy), and give Vinyl a bit of agency back (because now she's choosing to follow him with a fuller understanding of what he's up to), while still letting me save the big kissy happy stuff for the end (because it's not as satisfying if they get to do that earlier, ja?).
Oh, and don't worry, of course I'll hold off on publishing this until TEFL is posted. No joust, bro! :-p
>>Bachiavellian
Curses, you've seen through my B.S.! D:
...No seriously, I get where you're coming from, and I can't disagree with any of it. You've voiced many of my internal doubts about the story, but also some of the things that it relies on that can't easily be shifted. Plot-and-theme-wise, it's kind of a hot mess, and there are some definite learning experiences in here.
>>CoffeeMinion
lol, my own complaint about Vinyl's character voice. :-p I haven't read many stories with her in a speaking role, so I was operating with only a dim recollection of some Nowacking videos on Youtube, and what little I could tease out of a discussion of her character in a group forum on FimFiction. I seriously worried that people would find it abrasive. I came super close to word-replacing out all the instances of "bro", and it was only with discomfort that I kept her references to numerical attractiveness scores, as I feared it would be overtly offensive. (I.e., consider if it was coming from a guy to a girl instead of a girl to a guy... it's an equally backward view of the value of a person either way, but I seem to think guy-to-girl is viewed as more gauche due to its ties to male sexism, which does seem to be more prevalent.)
Oh well. I rolled the dice!
>>Morning Sun
Thank you; these are things that could bear to be tightened-up.
>>Not_A_Hat
I agree it would be good to bring the bottle in sooner. As I said above, it wasn't ever intended to be such a big thing; hence the lack of setup for it.
I don't yet know how to shoehorn a mention of it into the opening club-and-Starswirl scene, but it seems worth doing...
>>Baal Bunny
>>Posh
I loved these, thank you guys. :-) Yep, the whole adventure was a Macguffin in the end. The only bad thing is that I don't think this could turn into a much longer work... I know there's some stuff that needs reworking/expansion, but I don't know if developing the Macguffin-ness of the Macguffin too much more would actually help. Perhaps we'll see.
>>georg
Great things to work on here, thank you!
>>The_Letter_J
I totally wanted him to mention Twilight!! Sadly, I forgot to work it in until the scene was already written and it was too late for me to find a good place to insert that. But yes of course she'd want to keep him for as long as she could. Thank you for calling that out, and thank you for your praise!
>>AndrewRogue
Lots of great stuff here. ^^
I'd buy it a little more if either they distinctly had more time hanging out or it ended more on a pure "let's get a drink" note.
Absolutely. As of right now, I like the ending too much to want to overhaul it, so I want to give them more time and/or more connection earlier in the story. I think that's doable...
Given Vinyl is the viewpoint character and how obsessed she is with Octy, it is really weird for the conversation to occur entirely off-screen.
This was something that I knew was a risk. All of my outlines had a conversation between them. But then I wrote the final scene, and I summarized the conversation in a couple of lines, and... at that point I didn't have time to go back and insert the conversation anyway, but honestly, I thought the story might stand well enough without it. I might have to try drafting it and seeing if it fits. But in the end, much as I respect the wish to get a stronger resolution of that part of the story, I see this as a story about Vinyl moving on, and I don't know if actually putting Octavia in it would confuse that.
Starswirl should have told her before the final confrontation. Not only is it irresponsible and stupid to bring her into the situation blind, but Vinyl -choosing- to come with him despite obvious danger is a stronger commitment (while remaining distinctly in character) from her rather than her just coming along because she's annoyed he won't tell her. I honestly can't think of any real benefit he gets out of not telling her.
I'd already pretty much decided to change this based on horizon's earlier comment, but hearing this again was good confirmation. I agree, and consider it done!
Thanks again, folks! Who knew I could crank out ~6500 words in ~9 hours and not have them suck?!