Wait, are comments here in reply to specific stories? Or am I totally missing how this works?

Had to read the first sentence about 3 times. Too many adjectives. Yes, I'm stupid like that. So your hook kinda stopped me in my tracks right away. Thankfully, the story gained more momentum from there.

I liked the characterization of Sonata, but I had trouble distinguishing between Aria and Adagio; not that any of the dialogue attributions went amiss, but they could've had uniquer voices. No other complaints about the writing.

Story-wise, it falls a bit short for me. It feels like a sub-chapter of something bigger, and in itself, since we don't learn whether the adventures of Magnus Lodestone continued, offers no resolution. (Unless the song at the end is a clue that requires folklore knowledge that I don't have).

Hmm. Interesting, certainly. Excellent work establishing the magnitude and menace of the cloud. Still, I’m not sure how I feel about the ending. Never been a big fan of characters acting stupid for the hell of it, even if it’s just youthful impetuousness.

Still, personal distaste aside, this is a nicely crafted little narrative arc. Overall, fine work. It just leaves me dissatisfied at the end for reasons I can’t completely pin down.

>>GrandMoffPony
Yeah, on most comments you see a "x second ago on XY story". It doesn't seem to work perfectly consistently, though.

This is totally going on the top of my ballot. Why? The humor is not forced, the guards' reactions are perfect, Shining Armor reaction to finally geting the damn point as to why there was only one slice of cake was fantastic, and Princess Celestia will furiously without shame burn both their hindquarters for dropping the cake. Perfect execution and I love the writing style.

Top Contender because I'm a sucker for humor.

>>wYvern

It's kind of making it hard to do general discussion, unfortunately. I think I liked the collections of reviews in the old style a bit better.

Oh dear. Sorry, everyone. I had no idea these were being simultaneously posted on the story pages and the general thread. I suppose I'll go label my earlier posts.

Darn it, I don't want to flood the thread with individual reviews, but I also want to be sure everyone sees them easily. What do?

>>FanOfMostEverything
No need to label, really.

It tells you what story you're commenting on at the top of your post, next to what time you made the post at.

I really like the message in this one. Live your life to the fullest, even if that means risking it all just to live something that no one else has. Plus, relying on a pissed off sibling to catch you in case you fall is not the best thing. If you get hit and almost die, I think they'll add to your injuries because you decided to go diving into danger without even thinking about it.

But damn, well done. Narrative was perfect, the characters are engaging. I do agree with >>FanOfMostEverything, though, there's something missing with the ending. I would love to see it expanded to see what happens to these two, if you don't mind.

Masterpiece.

Full Title: Thanks for the Donation

Author: Cold in Gardez's secret alt

Sandwich toppings: tomatoes, spinach, octopus

Funeral: The opposite of a viking funeral.

Eulogy delivered by: fishonfire, without the fire

I'm calling attention to this now just so it's flagged in the thread—I'll come back and review this one later. So far as I'm aware, Roger doesn't need to disqualify this since fishonfire doesn't seem to have entered the contest this time, but I figured it should be pointed out anyway. This way, at least, Roger can check whether this has come from the same account under a different alias.

Like I've said in the chat, I doubt it and I don't think anything untoward is happening here—I think someone's just having a bit of fun using the fishonfire intro for their own reasons. But I'm a trusting soul ^^

>>Bremen
>>FanOfMostEverything
Honestly, I'm enjoying this discussion format a lot more than I expected. I like the rapid-fire breakup of the massive review posts of yore. I like it that I could just comment as I read a given story without looking like "that guy."

FWIW my opinion would have been completely different without pagination. 'T'would have been a flaming train wreck that way.

Nice scene, I like the fussing and I think the plan would be something Rarity could come up with.

No details are about who the fortunate mare may be, but they aren't needed, it works fine the way it is.

I liked it a lot, sorry for not being more useful.

Yet again, another humorous piece. Not forced at all, and indeed, it was just a prank bro. Highshoes has no chill.

Definitely a high placement on my ballot.

Masterpiece.

Okay, this made me laugh. That's an important thing. Points for you for that!

I smiled the whole time here. While it never was really surprising, it still worked and had a consistently good quality through the whole story.

I think it would work even better if you removed the last two paragraphs, they kinda slow down again after a high note.

I'm not sure how this one relates to the prompt. I mean, other than Dash saying that it was not possible for Fluttershy to survive her mother's criticism of her living in Ponyville with earth ponies, there's no real attachment to the prompt. I could be wrong and there may be some different implied meaning with the ending or something, but I don't get it. Maybe I need an explanation or two for me to understand this better by the author.

Eh.

Needs Work/Abstain.

The mystery here came just shy of overstaying its welcome. Fortunately, the reveal is pretty interesting.

The lack of anything but dialogue was kind of a turn-off, and enhances my uncertainty about whether the piece is ephemeral beyond its execution of the reveal.

An expanded version of this would probably carry more oomph. As it is, I will applaud the core concept and the reveal.

>>JaketheGinger
I'm really missing the facehoof emoticon right about now.

In any case, I suppose I'll let the cascade continue:

Oh wow. This is incredibly dense, and I mean that in the best way. The sheer number of revelations and reversals involved is truly impressive. That ending is the best kind of gallows humor. Truly, Trixie died as she lived: Obnoxiously.

Celestia faking her own death to get some time off. I understand that the story needs to fit the prompt, but this feels more than a little off for her. Apparently, Luna feels the same way I do. I can’t really argue with her treatment of the concept. Still, I think she may have actually killed Pinkie Pie in the process.

This is amusing, yes, but story contradicts its own premise. If anything an alicorn does is acceptable, surely Celestia can just say she’s taking some time off.

I laughed. I shouldn’t have, but I laughed. You magnificent bastard.

This story feels a bit too... I can't think of the right word. At any rate, it feels misaimed for me. I just... couldn't find myself caring.

I'm not sure there's anything particularly wrong with it (except that Aria and Adagio feel basically identical), so I don't know why. But, well... I dunno. Maybe I just don't like Siren fics? I don't think I've actually found one I've actually really enjoyed yet, so maybe it's just me.

Sorry this review is more or less worthless. I just... don't have anything to say.

Verdict: Misaimed.

I have but one regret. This isn't mine.
And one question: Will this change the Equestrian flag? I can see Royal Guard across Equestria looking up at their new flag and saying, "Really? We're supposed to salute that?" (snerk)

No.

I suppose I should say more than that. Topical political humor doesn’t age well, and this already looks a little brown around the edges. It especially doesn’t work well in this context, where the person and the political climate are unrecognizable from the source material. Yes, I can see where you’re going with Tiara’s talent for getting other ponies to do what she wants, but…

No. Sorry, but there’s only so much stupid I can take before it goes from amusing to insufferable.

65 stories.

More than a third of them are exactly 750 words.
Almost two-thirds of them are within 10 words of the limit.

Read read read read read. :V

I think I'm missing some key to interpret this story. I can see that there is some symbolism involved but I can't really get behind it. Sorry.

On the technical side, the language was in this case deeply bound to the story itself. While it made it a bit difficult for me, it added a lot to the atmosphere.

See everypony? I TOLD you the new commenting system would be awesome! You guys really need to have more faith in Roger.

:V

Okay, the abbreviations in the title just feel weird. I’m used to seeing it the other way around with Mount St. Helens.

There are a lot of dropped words and warped phrases in just the second paragraph. “She had to farther than that,” incorrect I/me distinction, a simile without an actual comparison (bread as volcanic as what?), and the awkward ending phrase of the last sentence that’s looking for an absent “day.”

Wow. Tense shifts, further warped language, a truly inexplicable spell mishap, and a general descent into incoherence. This desperately needs proofreading and editing. There is an amusing idea in there, but it’s going to take a lot of work to dig it out.

Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):

Applejack: 3 (though she wasn't the main focus this time around).

---

Oof, time limit didn't do you any favours, did it? Quite a few typos here. That being said, I don't tend to hold them against people.

This was actually pretty okay! I think it needs a little more fine tuning (even on top of the typos), but the premise works, and I actually like the kids' responses throughout. It feels more or less exactly right. Sure, everything's wrong and disappointing but... they're not going to turn down free cookies.

Oh, and the last scene was completely, 100% superflouous. That being said, it was hilarious. Keep it, it's amazing.

Verdict: Rough, but solid.

Writer, buried within this story is a good idea, one I find sweet and endearing. I like the notion of Lyra taking Sweetie Belle (and it is Sweetie Belle, by the by) under her wing and giving her the opportunity to show off her talents for a crowd. And the song she sings, it's an allusion to her rendition of "Hush Now, Quiet Now", yes? A charming choice, though it does imply that she doesn't have much else in her repertoire, which is unfortunate.

That said, the formatting of this story leaves a lot to be desired. Typically, if you aren't separating your paragraphs by a line, they need to be indented to help identify where one paragraph stops and another starts. Having a solid wall of text on the left makes it hard to tease apart where one idea stops and the next starts.

The cream colored mare broke them apart, her rose and navy mane falling over her eyes. “Okay, take it easy. You still have to go out there and perform.” Lyra replied by striking a pose on her hind legs. “I got this.”

One of the cardinal sins of dialogue is to have more than one speaker in the same paragraph; always separate different characters in a conversation by a line, or in the next paragraph, depending on which formatting style you use.

I thought it was odd that you never address Bon Bon by name. I mean, yes, recent episodes have called her actual name into question, but you go out of your way to avoid labeling her (and fall into the trap of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome because of it).

All told, I liked what you were trying to say here, Writer, but it needs a lot more polish to make it less of a chore to read.

Final Thought: There's Something Here, Buried Deep Beneath the Surface

GEEZ SPIKE WAY TO RUIN ANONYMITY BY PEEKING AT HER FIC. DO YOU READ EVERYPONY'S MAIL BEFORE SENDING IT??

I was hoping there'd at least be a wacky surprise twist.

I have no idea what’s going on here. The minimal description and ambiguous terms are meant to build up an air of intriguing mystery, but they just leave me lost, unable to visualize the scene and caring less and less and time goes on.

I don’t know what you think “prig” means, but that isn’t it. For one thing, it’s a noun.

Okay. I see what you were going for, but the execution is definitely lacking. For one, memes aside, Starlight isn’t a communist but a cult leader. This would’ve been a lot more interesting without the ambiguity and with some more proofreading. As is, it at least has a promising premise.

This one didn't work for me on any level, I'm afraid.

I'm not a fan of accents in written word, for one (though it's not too bad for understanding's sake here, it's just always distracting).

But more importantly, I'm not really sure where the story is here. There's nothing to latch onto. Well, okay, I admit I was genuinely intrigued as to what the import of this bird was (a bird which, I might point out, gets more description than literally anything else in the story), but as soon as that bit of intrigue hits us, we're yanked away from it and nothing happens.

The ending feels like it's trying to convey something but... well, I'm not sure what that was. There's nothing in the story really indicating it, I'm afraid, and that just leaves me confused as to what the story was actually trying to say.

Verdict: Needs work.

Interesting, I like it but I have to agree with others here, it feels like something out of a larger story, probably because of all the references like " looking a bit too confident" that leave the doubt that there is something else aside from him facing three monsters.

Besides that, really interesting world building and characterization.

I really like the idea of Sunset always waking up angry. Fantastic humor potential there. Dash jailbreaking her magic was also fantastic, though I’m not sure if it quite works. And since when does she bother to ask if something’s possible before doing it? In all, this was fun, but it feels a little fragile in terms of fridge logic.

Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):

Applejack: 3
Rainbow: 1
Pinkie: 1

---

Oi, you should feel ashamed for this one =P

More seriously, this one works fairly well. Dash is a little out of character, and Pinkie is a little too "describing exactly what's going on", but not so much that it was overly distracting. And I think the set up for the joke at the end is a teensy bit forced. But, well, it made me smile so it's not all bad.

So yeah. Could use some polish for sure, but I enjoyed it.

Verdict: Flawed but fun.

I expected this sort of story from this prompt, but that doesn’t make this one any less well-crafted or impactful. Very well done.

What in the name of sanity did I just read? I understood all of the components up until the last few moments, but it comes together in something so bizarre, it feels like a cut scene from The King in Yellow. Just… just what?

This was interesting and haunting and a perfect way to describe the nightly terrors and the fears of a child (or, in this case, of a foal).

There's really not much I can say here, the wording is wonderful, the descriptions themselves are splendid, the ending is touching. I loved it.

I'm quite sure we have a finalist here.

Oh wow. I honestly never connected the dots until the very end. I was too horrified by the thought of the Crusaders being more concerned about being in trouble than the pony they killed, never considering the prompt. As such, I was totally blindsided by the ending, and I loved it. Great work.

Hello again, my old adversary: dialogue only stories! Ugh...

You know, it had hints of funny at the start. Reminded me a bit of the old Molestia and Gamer Luna tumblr. It overstayed its welcome by a long shot, though, and what was readable but strenuous with two characters got unbearable when "Black Death" showed up.

Didn't like it. That's all I got, sorry.

>>FanOfMostEverything
It's quite evident that Rainbow Dash here knows exactly what she can do but needs to show it to someone, and considering that Sunset is the only one living alone she is the perfect victim for the abominable crime of waking up someone at six in the morning.

I also think that if the story will ever continue it will involve murder once Sunset catches up.

All in all, it was fun.

This story has a strong mood and raises many interesting questions, but it answers few of them. If you want to put forward a thesis in a minific, it needs to be explained well enough that your audience can believe it. I don't think 750 words is going to be enough space to pull off this kind of recasting of roles. You haven't provided the necessary context for, "Luna staying in a cramped cellar for one thousand years on the off-chance Celestia finds a powerful student", to make much sense. Also, the prophecy itself was about Nightmare Moon, so why would faking half the prophecy cause the other half to come true? Without information about what lies behind all this, your readers will be lost. You need to think it out in much more detail and explain the prophesies and motivations: where they come from, what they mean, and why we should care about them.

In storytelling, both sisters here seem out of character without explanation. A script-like format is banned from Fimfiction for a reason, and this piece illustrates why: it's severe telliness through dialogue. Reading it is like hearing someone describing the plot of a story they're writing, which is itself not quite a story. Drop the script approach and push yourself to describe things. Paint actions that communicate the characters' feelings, rather than using words or "(grins)" to do it the easy way. You should be grinding yourself to show-not-tell, even though it's a very hard thing to learn, because it will grow you as an author more than anything else. Turn up the difficulty level, and we'll be here to help.

This is very telly. If you showed us the scenes that the characters discussed instead of giving them to us via dialogue, it would be much better. Try not to tell the audience what to conclude or feel.

Also, I'm not sure the clock was just for laughs or not, but I felt like its mystical elements needed more explanation.

Yeah, that thing with the teleportation death. Actually reminded me of that before it was mentioned, heh.

The writing in this one's fine, but for me, it's all weighed down by the lack of ambition of this being an actual story. It's more like a single scene, and it feels very inconsequential, which is why I can't mark it very highly.

For the most part this is a great job using show rather than tell, but some of the comparisons are forced on the reader: the beating heart, the comparison between a burning airship and the birth of a new lifeform. These are unnatural comparisons and I think the piece is better without trying to insert poetic language into what the reader should be imagining. Try to give the reader the sense of those comparisons without using the vulgarity of the comparison words themselves.

I don't understand the title.

Oh. I somehow didn't expect that.

Well done.

I love the title and the idea for the story. It fits Pinkie Pie very well, and it's a nice message.

Little critique: Picturing Pinkie Pie being bussy being Pinkie Pie is kinda hard to picture. While I totally dig descriptions that make Pinkie Pie somehow bend laws of physics (like the one in the last paragraph), this didn't work. Also, the cheese joke... I just went: "Huh?" That made the start a big rough.

Anyway, this'll go pretty far up on my stack.

Don't tell us what Carapace did, show us. Stop narrating what happened and illustrate it with actions. Lead the reader to understand it, don't just tell them.

Don't put two speakers in the same paragraph of text.

I don't understand the conclusion.

The concept is interesting, but it fails (for me) mainly in the inconsistent quality of the descriptions. They swing between being evocative and touching to being jarring, which breaks the flow of the story and consequently the immersion.

It can be very good and interesting, but it needs to be polished a lot.

This would be better told as a first-pony present-tense story than through a diary entry. If you need the moral at the end, Twilight can think or say it.

"Said" generally implies "out loud".

Story Review

Like Friends for the Friendless (11)

I've read this story twice so far and really enjoyed it. The visuals and tone of the writing are awesome. And that spark of magic? Lovely. That was really a clever and concrete use of something that was much more ethereal in the show. You really made that stand out as something critical to Twilight's nature, which of course it is.

My complaints about this story are fairly minor:

- There are a couple of places where the feeling of what's being conveyed is countered somewhat by the logic of the words, such as in the second paragraph: it would be clearer if you made sure with just a word or two that Twilight is only thinking what she is because what she's witnessing is so surreal and unbelievable. As it is, it seems (to me) more like a statement of fact, and doesn't really convey the horror of the situation unfolding as well as it could. The rest of the story does this well, but you obviously felt this particular paragraph was important, so it should convey that sense as much as anything else, especially at the beginning of the story.

- I'm not sure yet how I feel about the repetition of the phrase "She remembers" (seven times). It's clear what you're doing, but the use begins to go over the top after the first few times. On first read, it didn't bother me much, but I really noticed it on the second read. Honestly, I could easily change my mind on this: I'll have to come back to this and see how I feel about it then.

- Lastly, the airship is never said to strike the ground; this is only vaguely implied at the end, and it really should be there in some concrete form.

- Like others, I don't get the title to this, either. It's too vague to confirm my suspicion, and is therefore a distraction.

This is the first story in my slate, so obviously you're at the top so far, heh. But I have high hopes for this one. :)

EDIT: After re-reading this, "She remembers" seven times is definitely overdoing that theme, for me. You could easily remove those words from a few of the sentences, and connect them thematically to others in the same paragraph. Having more than three of them is probably too much, and less than that doesn't provide the confirmation we need to reinforce the idea you're presenting when we reach the end. Otherwise, this story is still at the top of my list. :)

>>RogerDodger
Roger can you fix the pagination-upon-refresh? To see new posts I have to refresh, then scroll all the way down the page, then click the current page, then scroll again. Refreshing currently returns you to page 1 at the same location vertically where you were on the current page. :P

>>Trick_Question
I'll second that request. :)

Am I supposed to laugh, at the end...? I'm not sure what you want the audience to feel. Daring Do is completely out of character, and the story is depressing as a result.

Author, you have my biggest grin. I nearly burst out laughing twice while reading this, and in public no less. At least one individual seemed quite unnerved by my conduct. So kudos to you.

Now then: I will nitpick that this is absolutely not a story. This is a teaser-trailer, if anything. You've captured my interest, but clearly we'll have to wait for the rest of it before we really know what the story is about.

I've never read a Flim and Flam story I liked, not even when bookplayer wrote one (although she by far did the most justice with developing them). These two characters always seem like a cheap and easy one-dimensional gag: yes, we get it, they're immoral and avaricious. But caricatures are cheap. If you're going to write Flim and Flam, give them depth. Otherwise they're just a plot device.

All that said, the story seems relatively in-character minus the degree of darkness in it, and it gave me a chuckle.

>>Trick_Question
>>GrandMoffPony
For a temporary fix, click link to a comment on the last page. Then when you refresh, you'll stay on the same page as that comment.

(Also, the reply button seems to be missing for me on GrandMoffPony's comment, so hopefully manually putting the number there works.)

the epub links haven't been working

even though not many seem to be using them, since nobody's pointed it out yet. and I don't especially need them for any good reason. but just so you know!!

For me, this one kept getting close to being humorous, but in the end I wouldn't really be sure if that was its intent if the last line didn't drive that home.

Maybe the main thing is that Blueblood doesn't quite come across as sufficiently over-the-top ridiculous to fit the rest of the setup.

I wish I could be more helpful about why this didn't work for me.

Sweetie Drop's should be Sweetie Drops' (or even Sweetie Drops's).

This is cute. I think it could benefit from more scenery development at the beginning. I had no idea what was going on, if there were chairs, if other ponies were around, if there were any sounds, any conversation, etc. Having somepony offhand speaking for the deceased would go a long way.

The concept is fun, I grinned a couple of times and as Fluttershy said smaller and without terror in the name (great line by the way) I was almost certain her would bring back the pony equivalent of smallpox.

That said it would probably have worked better if you added a few more descriptions and used one scene less. The word-count is a terrible tyrant, so you'll have to make every little thing count. If you want to write (almost) pure dialogue, then it would work better if it escalated through a longer build up in which the characters give us a bit more context in the scene. It is a very difficult format to manage and it can easily happen that the rhythm of the story suffers greatly even because only one or two slightly sub-par lines.

This was great, but I saw it coming, and I think it could be improved. I think it would be better if you described the area where the girls are seated as a diversion for the reader. Maybe describe them as "waiting for Twilight to get ready". That would make the ending more impactful and help put the conversation in perspective.

Seriously, though. I like this piece so much I want to emphasize it. Like:
"As the five of them sat in the foyer waiting for Twilight to get ready (or maybe arrive)..." Now that's what I'm talkin' about! /)^3^(\

Soon we will all know who submitted the "Fleetfoot Is Best Pony" prompt. :V

The main problem with this story is the last line. Don't ever come out and tell the reader something like that. You need to paint the image so that the reader figures it out on their own.

I liked this one. But, I'm sorry to say, it was just too dark, and tried to deal with a complicated subject too easily, for me to love it. I don't necessarily think the characters were wrong, but they seem to have made a very heavy decision far too quickly.

Other than that.. not much to say. It handles the subtext well; it's obvious what's going on, but it doesn't feel like it's clubbing the reader over the head with it, either.

Writing these reviews solo makes them feel so short. Wish I had more to say.

Story Review

Beneath Rosemeadow Manor (8)

This story needs to be developed more to do anything to grab me, honestly. The dialogue is trying to tell us too much, rather than showing us. Also, the spoken lines need to be more clear in who is saying what (pretty much what Trick said, now that I refresh this).

The beginning vs the end doesn't mesh at all. You had drama up to the break, and then an inconclusive and confusing ending that was obviously intended to be humorous, with no proper buildup to that humor. The humor broke the drama, the drama didn't support the humor.

Now if you'd gone for cheesy melodrama during the first scene, and then played up the ending as it is, it would have worked better.

Or if you'd gone with tense (non-cheesy) drama at the opening and ended with a changeling death, this would have been a tragedy.

But using both together? Doesn't work.

I think you have GaPJaxie's minor flaw of overemotional descriptions. There isn't enough run-up for Twilight to be acting so emotionally, and you don't make a piece more emotional by having characters argue and posture when they don't need to. Why are they shouting? There's no indication Twilight has been pressing Celestia on this issue for a long time, and I think you need that.

As for the story, I think Twilight's out of character because she wouldn't do something like this without spending time to think about it. I think Celestia's out of character because, if she regrets the spell, there's no reason to even tell Twilight about it. All Twilight wanted to know was if she was "immortal" and all Celestia needed to say was "you won't die of natural causes but you can still die in other ways". The story kind of veered from one question to a very different question. I think the fix for this is to have Twilight explain that she needs to know her entire future, and provide a logical motivation for her to do it. At present I don't buy Twilight's motivation, Twilight's decision, or Celestia hoofing her the book. Celestia is feeding the ego of a (comparatively) small foal who is going to do something they'll immediately regret, and it makes no sense she'd go along with it.

Also, it's a logical flaw to conclude that the spell has a max at 19,000 years because that number isn't an upper bound, it's a lower bound. There's no reason for Celestia to come to that conclusion: all she knows is that the spell didn't work on her, so unless she knows by other means that she'll have an actual funeral in 20,000 years, it's a fallacy of appeal to ignorance (which Twilight wouldn't fall for either).

Here is found the plight of Man in a most succinct form.

I think this story has some problems, even though the basic idea is interesting. The script format does it no favors, and there's a lot of misspelled or misused words (it looks like it may have been run through a spell checker, but the checker often picked the wrong word.)

You might want to try adapting it into a conventional story and finding an editor. Or give it a reason for it to be in a script format; I though maybe in the end it would turn out we were reading a play script and somepony was going to be in trouble, or something.

This is a nice vignette, but I think it needs just a hair's breadth more at the end. I'm left not knowing what the message of the story is. Are you certain you know what you're trying to say to the reader?

Stories are a form of communication. Use this one to convey an idea. There's a lot of great potential here, and it feels unfinished.

ROGER: You probably won't see this amidst all of the chatter, but I like the way this is working out. :)

I know you're working on a million things, but a few things we could use are:

1) >>Trick_Question >>GrandMoffPony Refreshes return to the same main thread page. This F5, click page number you were on, scroll down thing and then re-find your place is making my eye twitch. :P

2) KEYBOARD SHORTCUTS for text formatting. For those of us who hate having to grab the mouse when we don't need to.

Um, forgot what else I was going to add. Heh. :)

3) Oh yeah: POST PREVIEW

I liked it. Maybe not as pulpy adventure as I like my Daring Do stories, but that wouldn't fit the prompt. We're left with an interesting conundrum and an ambiguous ending, which I thought was fun. I'm an optimist, so of course I'm going to go with my own conclusion about the ending :)

The Power of Love
Is a curious thing
Makin' one mare weep
Make another mare sing
Crystal Heart
On a pink pony's flank
Not quite relevant
Take this fic to the bank

That's enough of that. ^_^

I dig this fic, Writer. Love is indeed a form of madness, whereby self-preservation falls by the wayside and only the object of your affection holds any real worth or meaning. Of course, this poor fool takes it well beyond that, as a few of the guards point out.

I like the arc the story follows, and the way the story ends is fitting. It's interesting how Chrysalis allows herself to give in to pity and send the prisoner away, and makes it so that he won't (easily) be able to come back, presumably for his own good (in the most backhanded way possible).

This story has an interesting idea and is well-written and competently executed, Writer. Color me a fan.

Final Thought: Love Hurts, Love Scars, Love Wounds, Love Mars, Love This

This is the best story out of the first twelve I've read. I'm very impressed. Top score.

The story is incredible, but it needs to be reworked and proofed. Unfortunately, understanding it depends upon the reader having the insight to Google search the names of the ponies, so you might try to eke in another hint to lead the reader in that direction (I don't think you can assume they'll know, unless you're aiming for a limited audience (which in this case would be fully justifiable, similar to how the moral of Conker's Bad Fur Day is targeted specifically at those ponies who are willing to play through the entire game)).

I think you would have more success in communicating the message if you put in more hints about the theme of binging and purging. Maybe rumors about things happening in cycles, or something along those lines.

who was going to flirt with this mare

Don't ever tell the reader things like this, even in a highly abstract analogy like this one. Show us instead.

Also, I'd try to think up a cleverer title. Tartarus, you might even decide to be explicit and call it Binging and Purging. That would reveal the message to ponies without giving it away.

Urban Dictionary is not a good source for these things: it's spelled "lich".

Your Pinkie is spot on. /)^3^(\ However, it's nonsensical because there's no blood, and there should be a lot of that. The same goes for Rarity, to an extent, but there, at least there's an excuse.

The last line should be a bit different: make it sound like Rarity is leading into the conversation slowly, so the shift in her opinion seems less abrupt, perhaps by using ellipses once or twice, e.g. "So...". Rarity seems out of character in the first place, to be honest, because I can't imagine she would complain about being alive as her first response in this situation. But given her response, her change in opinion is too rapid in the line on which it appears.

Also, it doesn't make any sense that Twilight wouldn't have cast the spell on Pinkie yet, so I think you need to be more explicit on why (I suspect the "Pinkie crystal" was your intent there).

It's a fun minific, but I don't really see how it fits the prompt unless it was something very distantly metaphorical. Because of that I kept expecting the story to take a very dark turn. Still, that and a few small mistakes are the only issues I have (Applejack tending to the feels is a wonderful mental image.)

The last scene makes a perfect ending.

>>RogerDodger
I can't see the story links on some of the messages I'm posting on those stories' pages, such as this one:

>>Trick_Question

This is a very surprising take on Magical Mystery Cure, but I don't think there's enough logic to justify Pinkie's opinion. Twilight clearly still experienced continuity, despite the fact that they killed her before she ascended, so there's really nothing to mourn.

Even after telling half a dozen ponies that she didn’t expect them to kowtow, she still arrived at Sugarcube Corner’s back door a bit ahead of schedule.

This is confusing. Why should the fact that Twilight told ponies not to cowtow cause her to be delayed...?

>>wYvern
I think you know already, but I'd like to be clear that this isn't actually about teleportation death. See my review.

The twist is pretty obvious, but I really enjoyed the slice of life tone throughout this. The sweet relationship between the 2 characters is shown wonderfully through their interactions, across several different moods. However, it makes the obligatory-plot-explanation bits feel weak and out of place by comparison. I believe that cutting that down to a bare minimum would've worked better, it's easy to read between the lines to understand this situation.

And I agree with Trick's suggestion of adding more scenery, though that may be optional if the point is they're detached from the ceremony itself. Alternatively, focus on the natural environment, like you do here in the first paragraph, but.... it doesn't do much besides say "pleasant" in a boring way. Focus on some interesting details that can amplify the whole story and its themes. The first paragraph is important! Even in such a peaceful, ordinary setting, it's your chance to show off a little.

>>FanOfMostEverything
It's an allegory about arousal, shame, and the binging/purging behavior of those ashamed to collect pornography. The juice stands for sexual desire, and the coffin is the computer's recycle bin.

...and it's an amazing story.

Waves of hunger broke against her.

This line confused me more than a little. Do you mean Chrysalis has the ability to empathically detect the hunger of her drones? Why in Equestria would she? I can smell food when I'm hungry, but that certainly doesn't give me the ability to smell hunger in others. You need to qualify this if you want it to make sense.

To be clear, I'm not actually sure it means what I just implied. I'm still left wondering if it was Chrysalis's hunger, or her drone's, or something else entirely.

>>RogerDodger
>>Trick_Question
It even happens when I'm viewing the comment on the story itself. Some amount of refreshing or something is needed before the story name will appear.

>>Trick_Question
Graah, I don't just want to post "me too" but I feel like Trick really nails it. The story takes an interesting, winding path between various emotional tones, but the last line doesn't have sufficient build-up to support it. And the ending is doubly important in a case like this, where it needs to wrap up a story that's led us through such a broad variety of feelings.

Still, close to very good overall. Several noticeable typos but I dig it.

>>Trick_Question
Test (to see if this makes the story link appear)

>>RogerDodger
>>Trick_Question
Didn't work. But while I'm here, feature request: if somepony replies to only a single message, and that message was keyed to a story, the reply should end up in that story's thread.

Maybe even tie a multi-reply into multiple story threads, but that's some fancy dreaming. :V

the trolling comes when they decide how to score it.

Joke's on you, this isn't even on my ballot.

Instead, I'll request that Roger implement Writeoff Gold just so I can gild this story for being absolutely memetastic. The TV Tropes link in particular was brilliant. I wasn't even close to expecting that.

Is it good? I really don't care, and I don't have to care, either. :D

First off, this has nothing to do with the Power of Love. I mean, I can't flip any additional cards!

More seriously, I loved this. I was cackling the whole time. The only part I didn't quite get is Chryssy's decision at the end but, um, I don't think I ever could get it and something tells me it totally does make sense, just in a way I can't perceive.

I really don't have much more to say beyond the fact that this was amazing. Well doner!

Verdict: Astounding.

I'm calling out your research: Attercopus are very small, less than a centimeter in span, which is much smaller than the spiders who have appeared on the show. They wouldn't be scary to ponies who weren't highly arachnophobic, and everypony's basement is already teeming with spiders anyway.

I think Fluttershy's last line seems a bit uncharacteristic for her, even if her foil is Discord. Pinkie maybe, but Fluttershy wouldn't ask that even if she could.

Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):

Applejack: 3
Pinkie: 2
Rainbow: 1
Twilight: 1

---

So the good news is both characters are in character and that if things had gone down the way they did, I could easily see a conversation like this. Pinkie being mostly unfazed (since, well, Twilight's -not- dead), and Twilight blowing it off for much the same reason.

That being said, I find the premise a bit too hard to swallow. Rainbow power hasn't done anything deadly yet, and while I don't have perfect recollection of the scene in question, I seriously doubt it ever would.

So it's kind of a mixed bag for me. I know "what ifs" are basically the entire point of fanfiction, but this is just a bit too much for me to buy. But, again, the characterizations here are pretty good.

Verdict: Good if you can buy the premise, but I just can't.

>>Trick_Question

Why should the fact that Twilight told ponies not to cowtow cause her to be delayed...?

Typically you don't react to people bowing to you, you just continue on. Stopping and telling people "please don't do that", meanwhile, takes more than 0 seconds. Doing this to literally everyone you pass takes considerably more than 0 seconds. Especially since some (if not many) would probably argue and go "but I'm just showing respect, Princess" and she'd have to explain exactly why she doesn't like it. Which takes considerably more than considerably more than 0 seconds.

I wish I could add more than one entry to my slate at a time. If I want to rank them all, I need to go three by three with flipping abstentions on and off, which is annoying. :P

>>Bugle
It took me forever to get this. It's a tensing problem.

I read it as Twilight told ponies dozens of times in the past, not during her walk. The sentence says "after telling ponies" and then describes her walk. It should say "while" somewhere.

This story is very good, but it lacks a satisfying conclusion. The ending doesn't give me much that I didn't already get from the shaming portion. It needs something more to round it out. So what's the message you want to send to the reader?

What do you think that big crystal castle in our town is for, a fancy dollhouse?

Top kek.

>>Trick_Question

To get past this, you could click the number on the latest comment. This'll bring you directly to that comment when you refresh.

Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):

Applejack: 3
Pinkie: 2
Rainbow: 2
Twilight: 1
Sunset: 1 (yes, she counts. No, I'm not updating the number from "six".)

---

Sunset mused for a moment on whether she could get away with murder by claiming diplomatic immunity.

This is probably the best sentence in the Writeoff.

This was really good. A little predictable, but that didn't actually stop my enjoyment as I was quite enjoying Rainbow tormenting poor Sunset.

Also, the idea of Sunset not being a morning person makes way too much sense; how did I not realize this before?

I don't have terribly much to say about this one, but that's because it's just really, really good. Well done.

Verdict: Super strong.

The prose is dry and a little clumsy, especially when describing the funeral-party. But it shows that the party is a barrel of fun, so it accomplishes what it's trying to do. "Why do not go along," however, is just a grammatical disaster; it took me several passes until I interpreted it as "Why not come along?".

The mixup with the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Future is really clever, and Pinkie's actions are perfectly in-character. She'd totally plan the best wake ever, and she'd try to cheer up a spirit that came to her accidentally. But her dialogue is off. Pinkie's description of what she'll do differently sounds more like Rarity. And the phrase "no idea what I will be thinking there" is technically correct, but Pinkie is not one for such precise speech.

Verdict: great storytelling, but it's held back by the prose

You turned the meta up to 11 with this one, author, and your inspiration certainly extended into the sublime. I suspect some of the references are to D&D monsters or games I'm not familiar with, which hurts things slightly.

I'm not sure what this creative backstory to My Little Dashie is supposed to leave me feeling. Is it supposed to be strictly humorous? It's hard to do that, given the fact that what you're referencing is so infamously maudlin. You're also tying your story pretty tightly to somepony else's work, even though the story is more about the popularity of the other story than the story itself.

Well, this is probably as morbid as you can get with the prompt without taking it literally.

I'm afraid it didn't work for me, though. The choice between a longer, duller life and a more exciting, shorter life is a very delicate subject. And one I don't particularly find interesting. Both sides of the argument have valid points, and I'd personally stand behind either decision if one my my friends were in such a situation, but I don't really care to think about it too much beyond that.

But regardless of whether or not it's interesting to me, the important question is does it convey its message well? Ehh... it felt a little too anviliscious to me, but only just. Certainly not Sinfest levels, but more than 0. Probably could be removed with some fine tuning. And that may just be because it's a subject I don't like, so I'd take this with a grain of salt and see what others say before refining it (should you choose to do so).

Verdict: Misaimed.

oh my god this is a my little dashie prequel with aliens

what even