Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
I like the scope of the story; it's not too big or too small for a minific. You've also done a great job setting up a tone very quickly, which is super important with minifics.
That being said, I'm having a little bit of trouble following what's going on in Fluttershy's head. It's a little bit of a stretch for me to imagine her being so unsettled by a random pony's passing comment. A stretch, but ultimately believable, I think. What's harder to swallow is how easily Flutters seems to come back from it. If she was disturbed enough to lose sleep over it, I'm really wondering how a seven minute talk can fix everything.
And I might just be crazy, but I cannot figure out why she had the raincoat on. It's probably bugging me more than it should, but I'd really like to know why she wants to go outside.
Overall, I really think you just need to be clearer with what you're trying to say about these characters. Subtlety is a sliding bar, and IMO you could stand to nudge it a little more towards the "overt" side of the spectrum.
That being said, I'm having a little bit of trouble following what's going on in Fluttershy's head. It's a little bit of a stretch for me to imagine her being so unsettled by a random pony's passing comment. A stretch, but ultimately believable, I think. What's harder to swallow is how easily Flutters seems to come back from it. If she was disturbed enough to lose sleep over it, I'm really wondering how a seven minute talk can fix everything.
And I might just be crazy, but I cannot figure out why she had the raincoat on. It's probably bugging me more than it should, but I'd really like to know why she wants to go outside.
Overall, I really think you just need to be clearer with what you're trying to say about these characters. Subtlety is a sliding bar, and IMO you could stand to nudge it a little more towards the "overt" side of the spectrum.
Genre: Musical Revue
Thoughts: I felt like there was some clunky phrasing in the intro. Actually the end is kinda funky and indecisive too. But oh, that middle. You had me at "exeunt." :heart:
So what is this, in the end? It's absolutely clever and entertaining. I hesitate to give it top marks due to the rough intro and wrap-up. I think the story-ness of this suffers greatly for those being kinda weak. And yet, the good bits are brilliant.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I felt like there was some clunky phrasing in the intro. Actually the end is kinda funky and indecisive too. But oh, that middle. You had me at "exeunt." :heart:
So what is this, in the end? It's absolutely clever and entertaining. I hesitate to give it top marks due to the rough intro and wrap-up. I think the story-ness of this suffers greatly for those being kinda weak. And yet, the good bits are brilliant.
Tier: Almost There
Minifics live and die off of the hook, and unfortunately I think your opening here is way too slow. I know that sounds odd since it's only two paragraphs, but consider the fact that these 150+ words take up more than a fifth of your entire word count. That is absolutely forever, especially when the reader knows that there was never going to be a whole lot of words outside of the intro anyway.
If you look at historic minific winners, you'll notice that virtually all of them set up the scene with the very first sentence and then make the main conflict clear within fifty or one hundred words. By the time they are at the word count you've used to only to set the mood, they're already progressing the conflict, drawing in the reader further.
I really hate to make this a numbers game, but the fact is that I strongly feel that you have to be a lot more economical with how and where you devote your wordcount and attention. Opening with an extended metaphor might work with virtually any other story, but for a minific you'd need to have something extremely specific and specialized planned to make something like that work. As the story stands right now, I think the clunkiness of the opening makes the rest of the story feel bare-bones and rushed in comparison. I'm really sorry to say it, but you are definitely being hurt by this one little thing.
If you look at historic minific winners, you'll notice that virtually all of them set up the scene with the very first sentence and then make the main conflict clear within fifty or one hundred words. By the time they are at the word count you've used to only to set the mood, they're already progressing the conflict, drawing in the reader further.
I really hate to make this a numbers game, but the fact is that I strongly feel that you have to be a lot more economical with how and where you devote your wordcount and attention. Opening with an extended metaphor might work with virtually any other story, but for a minific you'd need to have something extremely specific and specialized planned to make something like that work. As the story stands right now, I think the clunkiness of the opening makes the rest of the story feel bare-bones and rushed in comparison. I'm really sorry to say it, but you are definitely being hurt by this one little thing.
sorry, imma be the dissenting opinion here....
romance -- and perfectionism -- is inside the head. this is the perfect use for meandering, circular, "telly" prose. expressing both themes so intensely that it's overwhelming. it's all done intentionally here, and I love it.
okay, I'll yield just a little for who think my view is crazy.... add some more physical-world action for pacing. Don't replace any of the stuff I like, just add in one or two more subtle events to imply the passing of time (thus the anxiety of waiting). I liked the line "She heard a bird scratching at the window..." and if I were writing this I'd sprinkle a few more in that same style. It's not even 750 words, so surely they'll fit.
Anyway, I really loved the last few paragraphs. They blend imagery and colors, cause and effect, and it all feels humorous yet so romantically sweet. Quite poetic, and my favorite of this round.
romance -- and perfectionism -- is inside the head. this is the perfect use for meandering, circular, "telly" prose. expressing both themes so intensely that it's overwhelming. it's all done intentionally here, and I love it.
okay, I'll yield just a little for who think my view is crazy.... add some more physical-world action for pacing. Don't replace any of the stuff I like, just add in one or two more subtle events to imply the passing of time (thus the anxiety of waiting). I liked the line "She heard a bird scratching at the window..." and if I were writing this I'd sprinkle a few more in that same style. It's not even 750 words, so surely they'll fit.
Anyway, I really loved the last few paragraphs. They blend imagery and colors, cause and effect, and it all feels humorous yet so romantically sweet. Quite poetic, and my favorite of this round.
Genre: Lunch's Labors Lost
Thoughts: For me, the most enjoyable part of this was the prose. It keeps things both interesting and moving right along. "Engaging" might be the word I'm looking for. It's a very strong underpinning for the actual plot.
Speaking of, there's close to the right amount of plot for a minific here. It's straightforward and a bit light but ultimately fun. What's lacking, though, IMO, is strength in the resolution. Right now it just kinda ends without either tying back to the beginning or to the overall goals of the diplomatic meeting. Now granted, the moment with Luna helps it resolve at least from the perspective of Celestia's feelings and experience. But doing a bit more with that would help make this more satisfying.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: For me, the most enjoyable part of this was the prose. It keeps things both interesting and moving right along. "Engaging" might be the word I'm looking for. It's a very strong underpinning for the actual plot.
Speaking of, there's close to the right amount of plot for a minific here. It's straightforward and a bit light but ultimately fun. What's lacking, though, IMO, is strength in the resolution. Right now it just kinda ends without either tying back to the beginning or to the overall goals of the diplomatic meeting. Now granted, the moment with Luna helps it resolve at least from the perspective of Celestia's feelings and experience. But doing a bit more with that would help make this more satisfying.
Tier: Almost There
I figured that it was either LD or WR speaking, as the story progressed, I figured that they were talking to someone, and I was definitely getting vibes that it would be RD. But that last line doesn’t give any indicator as to the circumstances of the meeting, so I end up wanting to know what those circumstances are, otherwise I can’t even assume about aftermaths.
I was of the opinion, at the outset, that this was supposed to be some kind of far-flung future pony story, but I don't think that reading holds up under scrutiny. So, I'm also left scratching my head about the pony connection, which, outside of 5P4RK13, seems tenuous.
I think I'm gonna wind up abstaining on this one, sorry.
I think I'm gonna wind up abstaining on this one, sorry.
A very creative origin story for Discord! I don't think I've read anything quite like it before. Probably the freshest take on the character I've seen in a writeoff since... Deuteragonists, I think. Compelling and well-detailed, and I like how the characters manage to develop and unfold, even in such a short space.
That said, I'm not a fan of the tonal shift before the end. The first half of the story has a wry, comedic tone (particularly the jokes about the characters' names, which had me snickering), but it veers into grimdark territory before the end. A jarring tone that doesn't mesh well with how the story began.
Or, frankly, with Discord, at least the way he's portrayed in the show. Though I think there's some wiggle room, what with this being an origin story, set at his literal point of origin.
That said, I'm not a fan of the tonal shift before the end. The first half of the story has a wry, comedic tone (particularly the jokes about the characters' names, which had me snickering), but it veers into grimdark territory before the end. A jarring tone that doesn't mesh well with how the story began.
Or, frankly, with Discord, at least the way he's portrayed in the show. Though I think there's some wiggle room, what with this being an origin story, set at his literal point of origin.
I remember having this discussion in a thread over on Fimfiction. The whole “I’m sorry, but your ‘friendship credits’ are non-transferable” bit. It was mostly something discussed as a knee-jerk reaction to the whole poorly planned mess that was the school of friendship. In practice, it’s kind of depressing...
Celestia and Luna are both quite a bit out of character in this. Use of the word ‘retard’ is something that wasn’t even really acceptable in the 80’s when I first heard it. The random mood swings and subsequent screaming also took me a bit out of it.
World of flammable cardboard speech for the win. It’s a new concept for me, not being able to feel through the scales. More focus on that would be good just because it’s not a done to death concept.
“Look, I didn’t even know that it was possible for a soul to have third degree burns! And don’t get me started on the fact that you are on fire, right now in my office!”
If you publish, your cover art should be a picture of Evil Knievel’s most recent x-ray.
If you publish, your cover art should be a picture of Evil Knievel’s most recent x-ray.
I’d like to think Celestia is slightly more responsible than to enable somepony who is already drunk enough to write a hurtful letter into more drinking. She also seems to enjoy the drink herself, when her thoughts (unless she is a shameless hedonist) should be focused on Twilight. I expected something like her sipping it, but being unable to enjoy it due to the situation. That’s just an example, I think the concept is good, just execution-wise it was a little off.
The one section reminded me of the Conan O’Brien sketch than made fun of 24. “Today, on 60: The following takes place between 23:45 and 32 seconds and 23:45 and 33 seconds:”
“That’s not—“
“Next time, on 60: what happens between 23:45 and 33 seconds and 23:45 and 34 seconds.”
It’s a bit disjointed, but hilarious where I can follow it. Definitely worth expanding.
“That’s not—“
“Next time, on 60: what happens between 23:45 and 33 seconds and 23:45 and 34 seconds.”
It’s a bit disjointed, but hilarious where I can follow it. Definitely worth expanding.
I like that Raindrops is getting some fic time here.
I also like the ridiculous levels of critique from the superior officer:
“Private, do you like your iced tea watered down with rain?”
“Yes sir! I mean, no sir! I mean, I do, but they probably don’t!”
Yeah, I liked this.
I also like the ridiculous levels of critique from the superior officer:
“Private, do you like your iced tea watered down with rain?”
“Yes sir! I mean, no sir! I mean, I do, but they probably don’t!”
Yeah, I liked this.
Very nice, author:
Other folks have pointed out some of the rough patches that need smoothing, but my only suggestion would be to take us one more step beyond Twilight asleep. Show us what's outside Twilight's castle at this moment, and in doing so, you might be able to give us enough hints so we can figure out what's happened.
Mike
Other folks have pointed out some of the rough patches that need smoothing, but my only suggestion would be to take us one more step beyond Twilight asleep. Show us what's outside Twilight's castle at this moment, and in doing so, you might be able to give us enough hints so we can figure out what's happened.
Mike
Hey! Just wanted to drop by and say this story has done very well on my slate, and it could be because the comedy is so nice and subtle here. Every joke here comes, makes me laugh, and then it's on its way and the story continues, only calling back the joke to honour what it did to the story, not to repeat itself. But then there's another joke! Haha! What fun.
I'm having a different reaction to the prose as some others; I thought it was great. I am a bit of a purple writer so maybe take that with a grain of salt, but still—I thought the word choice was excellent and the tone was rock solid because of it.
Generally, I disagree that just because a story has started with a weather report that it has committed some cardinal sin. The story is about what's happening in the sky. The weather report was required, and it was a fantastic hook. And if it wasn't there, we would be skirting around the hook instead of actually getting it.
Getting to the elephant in the room.. I think the addition of 'PegMoot' works against you. Either let us know at the beginning what you're plotting, or don't say anything until the end. Because hearing the pun at the end is jarring, but with a splash of humour, and being told it's coming earlier than that is just jarring without any humour because we haven't gotten to it yet. Hope that makes sense. The pun also went straight over my head but I won't hold you accountable for that. The fact that, minus the PegMoot, I had no idea what you were up to until the end, shows that a lot of thought and creativity went into this. The scene was believable leading up to it, which is so important in a story like this. I mean, I figure it is. Not like I've ever written anything like it.
As always, thank you for writing and good luck in the shakedown!
I'm having a different reaction to the prose as some others; I thought it was great. I am a bit of a purple writer so maybe take that with a grain of salt, but still—I thought the word choice was excellent and the tone was rock solid because of it.
Generally, I disagree that just because a story has started with a weather report that it has committed some cardinal sin. The story is about what's happening in the sky. The weather report was required, and it was a fantastic hook. And if it wasn't there, we would be skirting around the hook instead of actually getting it.
Getting to the elephant in the room.. I think the addition of 'PegMoot' works against you. Either let us know at the beginning what you're plotting, or don't say anything until the end. Because hearing the pun at the end is jarring, but with a splash of humour, and being told it's coming earlier than that is just jarring without any humour because we haven't gotten to it yet. Hope that makes sense. The pun also went straight over my head but I won't hold you accountable for that. The fact that, minus the PegMoot, I had no idea what you were up to until the end, shows that a lot of thought and creativity went into this. The scene was believable leading up to it, which is so important in a story like this. I mean, I figure it is. Not like I've ever written anything like it.
As always, thank you for writing and good luck in the shakedown!
>>Trick_Question
I'm so confused, can you help me remember where it's ever appeared in print?
I'm glad this story didn't show up on my voting docket. I have no idea how I'd rate it. I'm not sure why they don't recognize hot sauce as hot sauce, since it's been a canonical thing since literally the first episode. Still, more Shiny and Cady is a good thing.
I'm so confused, can you help me remember where it's ever appeared in print?
I'm glad this story didn't show up on my voting docket. I have no idea how I'd rate it. I'm not sure why they don't recognize hot sauce as hot sauce, since it's been a canonical thing since literally the first episode. Still, more Shiny and Cady is a good thing.
I spent way too long trying to figure out what that line rhymes with. Still couldn't find anything.
Here's my new theory:
There is no solution. Nobody gets it, not even the characters.
That is the joke. It's like the classic, "why did the chicken cross the road?", setting everything up for an ironic subversion. I mean, it's way too random from the start, I would be surprised if anyone wasn't expecting a ridiculous feghoot at the end. Not bad, I haven't seen this tried before.
Still, the subverted post-punchline needs a lot of work. It's just awkward, and not comedic enough.
Here's my new theory:
There is no solution. Nobody gets it, not even the characters.
That is the joke. It's like the classic, "why did the chicken cross the road?", setting everything up for an ironic subversion. I mean, it's way too random from the start, I would be surprised if anyone wasn't expecting a ridiculous feghoot at the end. Not bad, I haven't seen this tried before.
Still, the subverted post-punchline needs a lot of work. It's just awkward, and not comedic enough.
Everything reads pretty easily here, but as a whole this fic kind of feels unsubstantial. I get that you're going for a pretty mellow little scene and in most cases I do agree that small is big when it comes to minifics. But this might be one of the only instances where you might have gone a little too small.
You're really quite a ways off from the word limit, but there is actually a little bit of fat on the bones that make the story feel longer than it is. The back-and-forth felt a little wordy to me, which frustrated me enough that I wasn't really in the mood to laugh when the twist came around. It just felt like Pinkie and Dash are not talking about anything important.
I'd suggest trying to weave a more character-centric arc or conflict into the convo. This'll help engage the reader more while increasing the contrast between the calm tone of their conversation and the crazy situation the girls are in, which may help the humor rise to the top. You do have the word count to grow your ideas, so you should take the opportunity if you can.
You're really quite a ways off from the word limit, but there is actually a little bit of fat on the bones that make the story feel longer than it is. The back-and-forth felt a little wordy to me, which frustrated me enough that I wasn't really in the mood to laugh when the twist came around. It just felt like Pinkie and Dash are not talking about anything important.
I'd suggest trying to weave a more character-centric arc or conflict into the convo. This'll help engage the reader more while increasing the contrast between the calm tone of their conversation and the crazy situation the girls are in, which may help the humor rise to the top. You do have the word count to grow your ideas, so you should take the opportunity if you can.
Okay, I giggled like a damned idiot at the "switchblade" joke. For some reason I don't understand, it struck me as so perfectly Starlight. The other jokes were mostly hit or miss with me, but I think this was a matter of personal taste because I was never actively annoyed or bored by them.
Other than that, though, I'm sorry that I don't have a lot else to say. The story does what it wants to do (absurd, caricature-based humor), and I think individual readers' mileage will vary because of the specific flavor of this comedy. In the end, it put a smile on my face, so I'm happy I read it.
Other than that, though, I'm sorry that I don't have a lot else to say. The story does what it wants to do (absurd, caricature-based humor), and I think individual readers' mileage will vary because of the specific flavor of this comedy. In the end, it put a smile on my face, so I'm happy I read it.
Genre: Medal Bait
Thoughts: Complete story that doesn't feel rushed or crammed into the word count? Check. Strong writing and readability? Check. Good hook, feels, and payoff? Check. So basically, this is some very high-tier work.
There's a part of me that wants to ding this slightly for its limited use of the Pony milieu. I mean, yeah it's ponies and a dragon, but it wouldn't have to be ponies and the story would still scan 100% regardless.
But y'know, that's just nitpicking.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Complete story that doesn't feel rushed or crammed into the word count? Check. Strong writing and readability? Check. Good hook, feels, and payoff? Check. So basically, this is some very high-tier work.
There's a part of me that wants to ding this slightly for its limited use of the Pony milieu. I mean, yeah it's ponies and a dragon, but it wouldn't have to be ponies and the story would still scan 100% regardless.
But y'know, that's just nitpicking.
Tier: Top Contender
WEWT, finished reviewing my slate. Actually I had one more that I abstained on that I didn't review because my thoughts were essentially: "This story isn't for me, I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to say otherwise."
Time to go dormant. See y'all in the finals!
Time to go dormant. See y'all in the finals!
This is sheer joy, amigo. I'm struggling to think of ways to improve it.
Well, maybe the last line could do with another look. The actual speech is fine, but "she presumed" is a weak note to end on. Apart from "presumed" being a clumsy saidism that doesn't actually fit very well into the direct speech format, it simply isn't as breezy as the rest of the fic, which makes the tone wobbly when it should be firm. Elsewhere, some of the speech should start in a new paragraph rather than be buried in an existing one. But man, if that's the worst I can say about this, then it's on a good footing.
What I like about it is how much it reminds me of those British TV comedies where the protagonist is clearly a selfish jerk, but they have such flair, charm, or humour about them that you don't mind. It especially reminds me of Blackadder, where the eponymous character had to serve his own needs while avoiding the punishments of those fools higher up the hierarchy than him. Griswielda fits the mold neatly, being avaricious and deceptive while still having a pretty amusing and even pitiable personality (because, you know, the guillotine's hanging over her head).
I like the way this progresses, with both sides being polite yet disrespectful too. I'm thinking in particular of the way she dismisses the king's list of titles, and then he interrupts his own speech by reminding her - rather pettily - that she is no friend of his. It's these amusing little snipes, as well as the way she's fleecing them while they're putting her in danger, that makes this fic come alive. And the pacing is just right, comfortable to read without rushing its way to the good bits. I got a good idea of what this setting was like as a result.
Top contender. No hesitation.
Well, maybe the last line could do with another look. The actual speech is fine, but "she presumed" is a weak note to end on. Apart from "presumed" being a clumsy saidism that doesn't actually fit very well into the direct speech format, it simply isn't as breezy as the rest of the fic, which makes the tone wobbly when it should be firm. Elsewhere, some of the speech should start in a new paragraph rather than be buried in an existing one. But man, if that's the worst I can say about this, then it's on a good footing.
What I like about it is how much it reminds me of those British TV comedies where the protagonist is clearly a selfish jerk, but they have such flair, charm, or humour about them that you don't mind. It especially reminds me of Blackadder, where the eponymous character had to serve his own needs while avoiding the punishments of those fools higher up the hierarchy than him. Griswielda fits the mold neatly, being avaricious and deceptive while still having a pretty amusing and even pitiable personality (because, you know, the guillotine's hanging over her head).
I like the way this progresses, with both sides being polite yet disrespectful too. I'm thinking in particular of the way she dismisses the king's list of titles, and then he interrupts his own speech by reminding her - rather pettily - that she is no friend of his. It's these amusing little snipes, as well as the way she's fleecing them while they're putting her in danger, that makes this fic come alive. And the pacing is just right, comfortable to read without rushing its way to the good bits. I got a good idea of what this setting was like as a result.
Top contender. No hesitation.
There are a couple of working gags early on, such as the "I live here" line and Rainbow's complaining about being up early. And I suppose I'm at least open to the idea of their wanting more alicorns, and the two immediately assuming they're in line for alicornification is a good gag.
But then... man, I dunno. I'm not feeling anger like I did with a couple of other fics, but I am feeling keenly disappointed. Sunset and Starlight seemed to become more and more unhinged, and it didn't feel natural. The humour started to feel belaboured, because there were seven paragraphs devoted to the two assuming the best, and I'd cottoned onto the punchline by at least the third.
And this was just the continuation of a good gag. After that, the reactions and hostilities felt forced, and uncomfortably so. It's like you understood the theory of the two-faced joke, but neither had any idea how to make it work nor stopped to think if it would actually work with these two characters, who strike me as far too level-headed in canon for this to land. (Or rather, in Starlight's case, I hasten to add, she is unhinged in canon, but not this kind of unhinged, if that makes sense.)
The switchblade thing was just cringeworthy. Also, the logic of the real reason for summoning them was ropey; if they want stallions, why go to this trouble? Why bring in someone who's least experienced with Equestria itself and one who's still no expert when it comes to friendship? The only answer I see is because you wanted to make a gag, because nothing in the story makes a convincing connection between recruiting these two and getting stallions.
And the last joke was not even a joke. Or else my sense of humour is so warped that I can't grasp it, but seriously, what? What the hell has homosexuality got to do with anything, all of a sudden? Why is this random flat note of a comment the note to end on?
This fic has no deeper theme or message that I could parse, and what little story is there is just... there, so it relies entirely on character and comedy, and for me, neither worked. It's a shame because the beginning wasn't actually that bad.I sure as sugar hope this isn't another crackfic. EDIT: Sorry, author. I shouldn't have said that. It was a bridge too far on my part, and insulting besides. I should not have made this accusation.
I dunno where I'm placing this one, but it won't be in the top half. I don't know if the good beginning makes this more disappointing or less disappointing, but either way I consider the construction and character-mismanagement disappointing. I think you should look at the beginning of the story, consider making the whole fic more consistent in tone and quality, and learn from that example.
But then... man, I dunno. I'm not feeling anger like I did with a couple of other fics, but I am feeling keenly disappointed. Sunset and Starlight seemed to become more and more unhinged, and it didn't feel natural. The humour started to feel belaboured, because there were seven paragraphs devoted to the two assuming the best, and I'd cottoned onto the punchline by at least the third.
And this was just the continuation of a good gag. After that, the reactions and hostilities felt forced, and uncomfortably so. It's like you understood the theory of the two-faced joke, but neither had any idea how to make it work nor stopped to think if it would actually work with these two characters, who strike me as far too level-headed in canon for this to land. (Or rather, in Starlight's case, I hasten to add, she is unhinged in canon, but not this kind of unhinged, if that makes sense.)
The switchblade thing was just cringeworthy. Also, the logic of the real reason for summoning them was ropey; if they want stallions, why go to this trouble? Why bring in someone who's least experienced with Equestria itself and one who's still no expert when it comes to friendship? The only answer I see is because you wanted to make a gag, because nothing in the story makes a convincing connection between recruiting these two and getting stallions.
And the last joke was not even a joke. Or else my sense of humour is so warped that I can't grasp it, but seriously, what? What the hell has homosexuality got to do with anything, all of a sudden? Why is this random flat note of a comment the note to end on?
This fic has no deeper theme or message that I could parse, and what little story is there is just... there, so it relies entirely on character and comedy, and for me, neither worked. It's a shame because the beginning wasn't actually that bad.
I dunno where I'm placing this one, but it won't be in the top half. I don't know if the good beginning makes this more disappointing or less disappointing, but either way I consider the construction and character-mismanagement disappointing. I think you should look at the beginning of the story, consider making the whole fic more consistent in tone and quality, and learn from that example.
Hmm.
This is a solid entry, so don't worry about it. The subject matter is aptly tragic, with Sunset's "do or die" outlook carrying a heavy load of dramatic irony when we know what a monster she'll become. The imagery with the "A" and the "A-" is pleasing to read and good at complementing Sunset's frame of mind. The main points are delivered with economy without feeling rushed, so you've spaced out the plot points quite well.
And yet... And yet...
Maybe it's because Sunset comes across as too abrasive, or maybe I agree with >>No_Raisin that the first scene feels less organic and fluent than the other two. Maybe it's the issue with the "Grade A entry requirement" for Celestia's School, which feels like it does validate Sunset's concerns too much (after all, relative performance in one classroom is irrelevant next to absolute grade here). Maybe it's because the poverty thing feels like it's just there, not meant to be explained but meant to evoke sympathy and little else. Maybe it's because it's hard to tell if Sunset's perfectionism and friendlessness are caused by that poverty or if the lot feel more coincidental (after all, within the confines of this fic, there's no obvious reasoning connecting her background to her performance, at least that I could see).
I'm really not sure which of those factors is impinging on my entertainment, but something feels a bit off when I read this one, which is why - despite the fantastic prose and clear yet clever concept - I can't call it a top contender. Part of the problem for me is that the fic might be relying on implication a little too much, and that we're introduced to Sunset as a stroppy little perfectionist before we meet with any tragedy.
Could be worth, say, moving the first scene to later and leading with the second scene? That introduces us well enough to the piece, and starting with the strong hints of her bad background could strengthen the implication that she's fighting to get out of poverty, rather than starting with her throwing a hissy fit despite having a grade most would envy. After all, we generally assume that what comes first is what's most important and overshadows what follows. And it would invite our sympathy without straining it right off the bat.
I'm speculating, sadly. All I'm confident of is my global assessment, but hopefully I've at least chucked a few titbits your way you could investigate?
P.S. "Arm" reads a bit awkwardly when we're reading about ponies. Might just be me: I do think you should change it.
This is a solid entry, so don't worry about it. The subject matter is aptly tragic, with Sunset's "do or die" outlook carrying a heavy load of dramatic irony when we know what a monster she'll become. The imagery with the "A" and the "A-" is pleasing to read and good at complementing Sunset's frame of mind. The main points are delivered with economy without feeling rushed, so you've spaced out the plot points quite well.
And yet... And yet...
Maybe it's because Sunset comes across as too abrasive, or maybe I agree with >>No_Raisin that the first scene feels less organic and fluent than the other two. Maybe it's the issue with the "Grade A entry requirement" for Celestia's School, which feels like it does validate Sunset's concerns too much (after all, relative performance in one classroom is irrelevant next to absolute grade here). Maybe it's because the poverty thing feels like it's just there, not meant to be explained but meant to evoke sympathy and little else. Maybe it's because it's hard to tell if Sunset's perfectionism and friendlessness are caused by that poverty or if the lot feel more coincidental (after all, within the confines of this fic, there's no obvious reasoning connecting her background to her performance, at least that I could see).
I'm really not sure which of those factors is impinging on my entertainment, but something feels a bit off when I read this one, which is why - despite the fantastic prose and clear yet clever concept - I can't call it a top contender. Part of the problem for me is that the fic might be relying on implication a little too much, and that we're introduced to Sunset as a stroppy little perfectionist before we meet with any tragedy.
Could be worth, say, moving the first scene to later and leading with the second scene? That introduces us well enough to the piece, and starting with the strong hints of her bad background could strengthen the implication that she's fighting to get out of poverty, rather than starting with her throwing a hissy fit despite having a grade most would envy. After all, we generally assume that what comes first is what's most important and overshadows what follows. And it would invite our sympathy without straining it right off the bat.
I'm speculating, sadly. All I'm confident of is my global assessment, but hopefully I've at least chucked a few titbits your way you could investigate?
P.S. "Arm" reads a bit awkwardly when we're reading about ponies. Might just be me: I do think you should change it.
(EDITED AS OF... WELL, LATER TODAY)
That brings me up to30 33 now, leaving 9 6. Again, I'll come back later; don't wanna binge-review.
What's left:
https://writeoff.me/fic/7518-Perfect
https://writeoff.me/fic/4507-Only-the-Strong-Survive
https://writeoff.me/fic/3543-As-Perfect-As-It-Could-Be
https://writeoff.me/fic/3905-Friends-Need-Not-Apply
https://writeoff.me/fic/3932-Nostalgic-Utopia
https://writeoff.me/fic/5668-Soft-Stitches
https://writeoff.me/fic/2610-Morning-Palaver-II
https://writeoff.me/fic/3250-Roadtrips-Are-Overrated-Anyway
https://writeoff.me/fic/2656-An-Alchemist-and-his-Boy
That brings me up to
What's left:
https://writeoff.me/fic/7518-Perfect
https://writeoff.me/fic/4507-Only-the-Strong-Survive
https://writeoff.me/fic/5668-Soft-Stitches
https://writeoff.me/fic/2610-Morning-Palaver-II
https://writeoff.me/fic/3250-Roadtrips-Are-Overrated-Anyway
https://writeoff.me/fic/2656-An-Alchemist-and-his-Boy
I'll grant you that the detached narrative voice is a deliberate stylistic quirk. That allows the visuals to come through and express the thoughts and emotions of the characters. For the most part, it's very well done, and I'll applaud it for sticking to such a technique and making it work.
I won't fault the romance, though this is definitely one of those where it's just assumed ahead of time that these two are in romantic love with each other. Everyone has their genre tastes. I'll even overlook the [em] formatting goof near the end; that would be petty of me.
This could be a solid entry. For the most part, it leads to the reveal in the last sentence well.
But after granting all that, I do have to criticize some odd language choices, because this sort of style - more than usual, because it focuses on evocative language and visuals - becomes very rickety very quickly when it stumbles. For instance, the first paragraph does lay out the essential background for the scenario, but it feels strangely workmanlike, and somewhat slowly paced.
Namely, I think this is a long-winded way of introducing us to the perfectionist standards of the soon-to-be-weds. There had to be a better alternative than by going "the wedding had to be perfect, they were practising a lot, if it was not these two then it would be excessive, but it is these two, who are getting married, they are perfectionists..." There's a sense that it's repeating itself, or being redundant (I've committed the crime elsewhere, true, but still). The resultant plodding pace is not as bad in the rest of the fic, but I do think you need overall to be a little more economical, even ruthless, as you feed us this information.
The focus of the main fic also feels slightly too loose. Rainbow's MIA status is given a good chunk of the exposition, that's fair, and it does contribute to Rarity's nerves - as do a fair few other things, like Twilight also being twitchy and Applejack making a bet. Moreover, we do need to return to that baseline; that Twilight and Rarity are getting married. This sounds tight enough in summary, but in action somehow the net result is that the whole thing sort of meanders from point to point with very little urgency. It's hard to explain, because (like I say) on paper it should work, but when reading the thing over, I get the definite sense that this big, heart-stoppingly stressful event is as pleasant as a dazed wander through the fields on a carefree summer's day. The mismatch between the emotion it should be conveying and the emotion it is conveying strangely makes it seem sluggish and not particularly attentive, which I guess is where that loose feeling comes from.
On an unrelated note, some of the smaller choices are weird. The changeling line was so unexpected it took me out of the piece for a moment (why mention changelings, all of a sudden? I was on high alert for a while). Plus, I agree with >>Trick_Question; the bet seems really out of place.
Maybe it's just me and I'm completely missing the point, but even allowing for >>Haze's intriguing point that style reflects content, this felt way too ponderous and doesn't go far enough to convey the tension it talks about. I'll call it a possible solid entry, because I do see what you were going for, but I think it errs too much towards redundancies, detached tone, and a lack of urgency.
I won't fault the romance, though this is definitely one of those where it's just assumed ahead of time that these two are in romantic love with each other. Everyone has their genre tastes. I'll even overlook the [em] formatting goof near the end; that would be petty of me.
This could be a solid entry. For the most part, it leads to the reveal in the last sentence well.
But after granting all that, I do have to criticize some odd language choices, because this sort of style - more than usual, because it focuses on evocative language and visuals - becomes very rickety very quickly when it stumbles. For instance, the first paragraph does lay out the essential background for the scenario, but it feels strangely workmanlike, and somewhat slowly paced.
Namely, I think this is a long-winded way of introducing us to the perfectionist standards of the soon-to-be-weds. There had to be a better alternative than by going "the wedding had to be perfect, they were practising a lot, if it was not these two then it would be excessive, but it is these two, who are getting married, they are perfectionists..." There's a sense that it's repeating itself, or being redundant (I've committed the crime elsewhere, true, but still). The resultant plodding pace is not as bad in the rest of the fic, but I do think you need overall to be a little more economical, even ruthless, as you feed us this information.
The focus of the main fic also feels slightly too loose. Rainbow's MIA status is given a good chunk of the exposition, that's fair, and it does contribute to Rarity's nerves - as do a fair few other things, like Twilight also being twitchy and Applejack making a bet. Moreover, we do need to return to that baseline; that Twilight and Rarity are getting married. This sounds tight enough in summary, but in action somehow the net result is that the whole thing sort of meanders from point to point with very little urgency. It's hard to explain, because (like I say) on paper it should work, but when reading the thing over, I get the definite sense that this big, heart-stoppingly stressful event is as pleasant as a dazed wander through the fields on a carefree summer's day. The mismatch between the emotion it should be conveying and the emotion it is conveying strangely makes it seem sluggish and not particularly attentive, which I guess is where that loose feeling comes from.
On an unrelated note, some of the smaller choices are weird. The changeling line was so unexpected it took me out of the piece for a moment (why mention changelings, all of a sudden? I was on high alert for a while). Plus, I agree with >>Trick_Question; the bet seems really out of place.
Maybe it's just me and I'm completely missing the point, but even allowing for >>Haze's intriguing point that style reflects content, this felt way too ponderous and doesn't go far enough to convey the tension it talks about. I'll call it a possible solid entry, because I do see what you were going for, but I think it errs too much towards redundancies, detached tone, and a lack of urgency.
Me likey. All right, so I'm like a couple of others up above and ain't no fan of the Friendship School concept. Everyone whose bias inclines them to like this fic, please raise your hand. (Raises hand).
But let's set that aside for a moment and concentrate on this fic as a fic. Ocellus is the perfect target for this; she's not a hate sink, so you do kinda feel bad for her when she gets stuck in the mailroom, but on the other hand her sweet naivety is practically asking for the universe to pull a fast one on her, like she's Charlie Brown and she's finally gonna kick that damn football this time. So good choice of character to pull this off: sympathetic and well-meaning, but just foolish enough to be an ideal target for a no-nonsense world.
I thought the dialogue did its job well, leading us from optimistic beginnings to the moment when it all goes wrong. Can't fault that cut and the parallel sentences in "Ocellus tried hard not to ______". You do shown signs of someone comfortable with arranging little comedic asides and setpieces too, and boyo, I found this comedic!
Obviously, 'tain't flawless. There is a rough quality to the prose, and one or two gags don't work in context. For instance, the third paragraph has a great joke about growing up into the sort of neurotic, sullen teen you see in the movies. In isolation, that's laugh-out-loud. Here? We've already established her as hypercompetent, and Ocellus is a nice girl anyway. Simultaneously calling her someone with "a chip on her shoulder" is inconsistent, and saying she has "anxiety issues" when the fic does virtually nothing to show that just empties the gag of any kind of payoff.
I loved the trolley problem reference, though. Philosophical jokes are my jam.
Solid entry, because it did make me laugh and in broad strokes it's an excellent piece. It just needs to sand off the rough edges.
But let's set that aside for a moment and concentrate on this fic as a fic. Ocellus is the perfect target for this; she's not a hate sink, so you do kinda feel bad for her when she gets stuck in the mailroom, but on the other hand her sweet naivety is practically asking for the universe to pull a fast one on her, like she's Charlie Brown and she's finally gonna kick that damn football this time. So good choice of character to pull this off: sympathetic and well-meaning, but just foolish enough to be an ideal target for a no-nonsense world.
I thought the dialogue did its job well, leading us from optimistic beginnings to the moment when it all goes wrong. Can't fault that cut and the parallel sentences in "Ocellus tried hard not to ______". You do shown signs of someone comfortable with arranging little comedic asides and setpieces too, and boyo, I found this comedic!
Obviously, 'tain't flawless. There is a rough quality to the prose, and one or two gags don't work in context. For instance, the third paragraph has a great joke about growing up into the sort of neurotic, sullen teen you see in the movies. In isolation, that's laugh-out-loud. Here? We've already established her as hypercompetent, and Ocellus is a nice girl anyway. Simultaneously calling her someone with "a chip on her shoulder" is inconsistent, and saying she has "anxiety issues" when the fic does virtually nothing to show that just empties the gag of any kind of payoff.
I loved the trolley problem reference, though. Philosophical jokes are my jam.
Solid entry, because it did make me laugh and in broad strokes it's an excellent piece. It just needs to sand off the rough edges.
This is kind of a weird one for me, because I can clearly see where it wants to go, and for the most part it gets there; it just doesn't get all the way there. So I'm in this uncertain place where I feel the emotion and don't feel it at the same time.
Part of the problem is that the speech takes up waaaaaaay too much of this fic. All along, the focus should mostly be on Throwback and the discrepancy between him and the outside world, but the majority of the fic weighs towards what he's actually saying. And don't get me wrong, what he's saying is interesting and all, and his view of the world is a big part of what makes his behaviour so tragic. Only... you've got 750 words, and it feels like you devote two-thirds of them to a speech that isn't as informative as you think it is. (It also comes across as too flowery at times, like you wanted to make it poetic, and it adds to the padded feel).
It's a shame too, cos this is a fine piece of tearjerking right here, Throwback is depicted as a pony with genuine military care for protecting his country, and he does bring up some good points about how ridiculously unsafe Equestria can be. Sadly, he clearly doesn't understand how those friendship powers work, and the defeated ending is perfect in conveying just how badly off he is. When we do get to see him interacting with the apathetic or unfriendly denizens of Manehattan, you legitimately feel sorry for this crusader. He's not a bad guy, after all.
But that speech really is too much. Because of it, when I do feel his frustration, those moments all get cut off at the knees because we're hearing the author's take on what's wrong with Equestria and Celestia for the umpteenth time.
Hmm... maybe a solid entry, maybe a high mid-tier. Also, I second... damn, third... >>Chris's comments about the stylistic choices working against it, though to me those are less serious problems than the speech one.
Part of the problem is that the speech takes up waaaaaaay too much of this fic. All along, the focus should mostly be on Throwback and the discrepancy between him and the outside world, but the majority of the fic weighs towards what he's actually saying. And don't get me wrong, what he's saying is interesting and all, and his view of the world is a big part of what makes his behaviour so tragic. Only... you've got 750 words, and it feels like you devote two-thirds of them to a speech that isn't as informative as you think it is. (It also comes across as too flowery at times, like you wanted to make it poetic, and it adds to the padded feel).
It's a shame too, cos this is a fine piece of tearjerking right here, Throwback is depicted as a pony with genuine military care for protecting his country, and he does bring up some good points about how ridiculously unsafe Equestria can be. Sadly, he clearly doesn't understand how those friendship powers work, and the defeated ending is perfect in conveying just how badly off he is. When we do get to see him interacting with the apathetic or unfriendly denizens of Manehattan, you legitimately feel sorry for this crusader. He's not a bad guy, after all.
But that speech really is too much. Because of it, when I do feel his frustration, those moments all get cut off at the knees because we're hearing the author's take on what's wrong with Equestria and Celestia for the umpteenth time.
Hmm... maybe a solid entry, maybe a high mid-tier. Also, I second... damn, third... >>Chris's comments about the stylistic choices working against it, though to me those are less serious problems than the speech one.
The plot is sound, though it is kinda weird that you keep referring to him as 'Old Thunderlane' and the story takes place before the return of Night Mare Moon(?). With all this talk of flight camp I think this is happening early in the series, especially with Thunderlane first meeting Fluttershy, but then there's the talk of Rainbow saving ponyville. Why would Thunderlane ever stop by ponyville if he had such a problem with Dash?
Two critiques I had were that the thoughts would sometimes spill over everywhere and the tempo got a little wonky at times.
Several times a thought would bleed into the next line, or even stanza, and the pace would get interrupted. A really good example was from the line that started with About?” He shrugged. So Fluttershy. I stumbled so hard on that line and spent almost a minute puzzling out that it was referring to the previous stanza. Each paragraph suggests that unit is self contained and when that is broken on occasion rather than as a consistently it brought me out of the rhythm.
Breaking that down even further, is sort of it's own thought. One stanza went:
"The second place held special terror.
To lose to gold: that was an error
No Wonderbolt could ever make.
And Thunderlane had made mistakes.
When I read it there's a pause between error and No that naturally occurs because of the way poetry is normally read, but breaks the story's continuity.
In addition, many of the lines seem to hitch in the middle. The lines rhyme and mostly work in meter, the tempo will space out for a moment if you're speaking them out loud. The line First Flight Camp, then the weather team: has had me stumbling every time I try to say it.
Two critiques I had were that the thoughts would sometimes spill over everywhere and the tempo got a little wonky at times.
Several times a thought would bleed into the next line, or even stanza, and the pace would get interrupted. A really good example was from the line that started with About?” He shrugged. So Fluttershy. I stumbled so hard on that line and spent almost a minute puzzling out that it was referring to the previous stanza. Each paragraph suggests that unit is self contained and when that is broken on occasion rather than as a consistently it brought me out of the rhythm.
Breaking that down even further, is sort of it's own thought. One stanza went:
"The second place held special terror.
To lose to gold: that was an error
No Wonderbolt could ever make.
And Thunderlane had made mistakes.
When I read it there's a pause between error and No that naturally occurs because of the way poetry is normally read, but breaks the story's continuity.
In addition, many of the lines seem to hitch in the middle. The lines rhyme and mostly work in meter, the tempo will space out for a moment if you're speaking them out loud. The line First Flight Camp, then the weather team: has had me stumbling every time I try to say it.
I'm fairly certain that we're dealing with a young Celestia and Luna here, and that the ending is that Discord has been impersonating Luna all along. If this is your intention, author, then I think you need to make it absolutely clear in the beginning that these are younger versions of the Princesses. When people read a character's name, they are going to automatically picture the character as they know them and stick with that image. So if we're dealing with an alternate universe, or the past, or some other non-standard set of circumstances, I'm of the opinion that the reader needs to be explicitly told right off the bat, especially in minifics.
... And if I'm wrong and this is actually all supposed to take place in the present day, then I might just be an idiot. :P
I think the whole potion gag feels a little off-putting because it's a bit of a mood whiplash. The middle bits about how Celestia's and Luna's creation/ruling styles differ from one another felt to me like it was setting up for Luna to learn something, or maybe as a subversion for Celestia to somehow make a fool of herself. Instead, we abruptly go into an absurdity gag. A very important part of making a minific that feels complete is creating and managing the reader's expectations for the story. As it is right now, things feel confusing, disjointed, and a little bit schizophrenic to me.
I would suggest for you to try tightening up your focus on exactly what you want the reader to take away from the story, while at the same time making it a tad clearer about what's actually happening. I really like how you used the dialogue to create this breezy, carefree tone, so I think that might be where you want to start when deciding what and how needs to be expanded upon.
... And if I'm wrong and this is actually all supposed to take place in the present day, then I might just be an idiot. :P
I think the whole potion gag feels a little off-putting because it's a bit of a mood whiplash. The middle bits about how Celestia's and Luna's creation/ruling styles differ from one another felt to me like it was setting up for Luna to learn something, or maybe as a subversion for Celestia to somehow make a fool of herself. Instead, we abruptly go into an absurdity gag. A very important part of making a minific that feels complete is creating and managing the reader's expectations for the story. As it is right now, things feel confusing, disjointed, and a little bit schizophrenic to me.
I would suggest for you to try tightening up your focus on exactly what you want the reader to take away from the story, while at the same time making it a tad clearer about what's actually happening. I really like how you used the dialogue to create this breezy, carefree tone, so I think that might be where you want to start when deciding what and how needs to be expanded upon.
This reminded me of an old SNL skit, where James Bond visits a doctor. It's short, but it takes a funny concept and leads it to the resulting consequences, upping the ante. and then the irony at the end where Bond still hasn't learned his lesson. it sort of has an arc.
I think I agree with >>Bachiavellian the most here. None of the news really mattered: not to Daring who already knew all this, not to the doctor who'll never remember any of it. It's functioning as just an info-dump to the reader, that's all. Even though it's still a very funny headcanon.
Musing: surely the physical exams leave a paper trail? He does have a clipboard here. Missed opportunity to use the clinic as a temple of doom, where she has to steal her own medical records and escape from the traps... that's just the first obvious idea that came to me, there's probably dozens more. (oh yeah, MLP already did this with Rainbow stealing the book)
I think I agree with >>Bachiavellian the most here. None of the news really mattered: not to Daring who already knew all this, not to the doctor who'll never remember any of it. It's functioning as just an info-dump to the reader, that's all. Even though it's still a very funny headcanon.
Musing: surely the physical exams leave a paper trail? He does have a clipboard here. Missed opportunity to use the clinic as a temple of doom, where she has to steal her own medical records and escape from the traps... that's just the first obvious idea that came to me, there's probably dozens more. (oh yeah, MLP already did this with Rainbow stealing the book)
You know, I can't tell if they're in Rarity's house, or Fluttershy's.... Maybe that's just a minor detail, but there are a lot of minor details missing here, which would've filled in the context to richen this nice little scene. In this case, whose house they're in would tell me if Fluttershy intends to leave her cottage in the middle of the night, or return to it. Very significant either way, but right now it feels like neither.
>>Pascoite
All right, but I still stand by my impression of the word (i.e. that it reads strangely when referring to pony limbs). I'm too familiar with the convention that quadrupeds have four legs but bipeds have two arms and two legs. Plus, I suspect most other people would be too.
All right, but I still stand by my impression of the word (i.e. that it reads strangely when referring to pony limbs). I'm too familiar with the convention that quadrupeds have four legs but bipeds have two arms and two legs. Plus, I suspect most other people would be too.
This starts off with an intriguing image: Spike sewing. It doesn't sound like much, but it's one of those unusual combinations that piques the reader's interest (what's his connection here to Rarity's hobby? Why is he sewing, and what is he sewing?). Also, very apt foreshadowing where he gets the needle stuck in his thumb but barely reacts to it, tipping us off early that he's got a different outlook on this kind of thing (it's also a good callback to Green Isn't Your Color). So well done for a subtle and non-bombastic opening that nevertheless gets the reader's attention. It sets the mood nicely for the quiet drama we receive later.
The following section flows well, but we really need to know who's talking to him sooner. I thought it was Twilight until we got to that "darling", and helping a reader put voice to name as soon as possible is a priority, because if we find out later then our imaginations have to do some retroactive editing. Which is a pain. Just thought I'd point it out, since I got burned for a similar gaff in one of my own entries before.
That said, the build up and mystery is very carefully conveyed as Rarity slowly breaks through Spike's (metaphorical) shield. More subtle exemplification: the "at least he assumed it was soft" passage brings us closer to the realization without spelling it out. Lastly, the characters tread very tentatively around each other in a way that seemed believable and well-considered: Rarity being slightly patronizing, Spike not wanting to open up (like a child) but making it very clear he knows what she's up to. Very well done.
I also like the ending. Of course Rarity would be as thoughtful and generous as that. Such a lovely friendship moment. Perfect. Almost, dare I say it, exquisite.
Unfortunately, the actual inciting incident feels waaaaaaay off
It pains me to say this, because the rest of the fic is so wonderfully crafted, and if I squint I can see how you made the connection between Spike's hatred of his own insensitivity and the guilt he feels for causing a fire. But when it turned out this was all because he had a curry that kicked him off flaming everything... sorry mate, it took me right out. It's just too long-windedly tangential and silly. There had to be a more straightforward way than bringing in a curry restaurant and an allergy that sounds like it would lead to a comedic moment in the show (a la Spike flaming the pediatrician in Secret of My Excess).
See, the tone of the fic is serious and heavy with hidden shames and sensitive feelings. I mean, I was expecting something to match the seriousness and the theme of unintentional insensitivity, like Spike's inability to feel pain had led him to misjudge something and accidentally hurt someone in a realistic (or near-realistic) scenario.
For instance, because he can't feel needles penetrating his hide, he might, in a moment of carelessness, have left sharp objects out in the open for anyone to hurt themselves on. Or his comfort in a roasting environment leads him to invite someone else to join him, which makes them extremely sick and collapse. For added cruelty, have him intend the experience to be a bonding moment, highlighting how he can't fully cross the barrier between dragon and pony experience.
The point is that his shame at his own insensitivity led me to suspect that the incident was where he made some kind of judgement call that was badly informed, or that he made a choice; something innocent enough that nevertheless would give him good reason to feel he should blame himself. And that sounded credible.
Those are just examples; I'm not asking he almost kill people. But this is what started it all? "Curry allergy" is not a phrase I can say with a straight face in context. It seems weaker for him to have this much subtle worry and self-blame over it too, since it's not like he did anything he could plausibly have had control over. This allergic reaction came out of nowhere. It's not a deal-breaker for me, however much I go on about it, but the choice of scenario weakens what could otherwise have been a stellar entry.
(Stepping sideways for a mo, why is there a load of space at the end? Looks like a formatting error to me, guv.)
I'll be kind and say it's a solid entry, because the skill shown elsewhere should receive its dues. But maaan the fic this could have been.
The following section flows well, but we really need to know who's talking to him sooner. I thought it was Twilight until we got to that "darling", and helping a reader put voice to name as soon as possible is a priority, because if we find out later then our imaginations have to do some retroactive editing. Which is a pain. Just thought I'd point it out, since I got burned for a similar gaff in one of my own entries before.
That said, the build up and mystery is very carefully conveyed as Rarity slowly breaks through Spike's (metaphorical) shield. More subtle exemplification: the "at least he assumed it was soft" passage brings us closer to the realization without spelling it out. Lastly, the characters tread very tentatively around each other in a way that seemed believable and well-considered: Rarity being slightly patronizing, Spike not wanting to open up (like a child) but making it very clear he knows what she's up to. Very well done.
I also like the ending. Of course Rarity would be as thoughtful and generous as that. Such a lovely friendship moment. Perfect. Almost, dare I say it, exquisite.
Unfortunately, the actual inciting incident feels waaaaaaay off
It pains me to say this, because the rest of the fic is so wonderfully crafted, and if I squint I can see how you made the connection between Spike's hatred of his own insensitivity and the guilt he feels for causing a fire. But when it turned out this was all because he had a curry that kicked him off flaming everything... sorry mate, it took me right out. It's just too long-windedly tangential and silly. There had to be a more straightforward way than bringing in a curry restaurant and an allergy that sounds like it would lead to a comedic moment in the show (a la Spike flaming the pediatrician in Secret of My Excess).
See, the tone of the fic is serious and heavy with hidden shames and sensitive feelings. I mean, I was expecting something to match the seriousness and the theme of unintentional insensitivity, like Spike's inability to feel pain had led him to misjudge something and accidentally hurt someone in a realistic (or near-realistic) scenario.
For instance, because he can't feel needles penetrating his hide, he might, in a moment of carelessness, have left sharp objects out in the open for anyone to hurt themselves on. Or his comfort in a roasting environment leads him to invite someone else to join him, which makes them extremely sick and collapse. For added cruelty, have him intend the experience to be a bonding moment, highlighting how he can't fully cross the barrier between dragon and pony experience.
The point is that his shame at his own insensitivity led me to suspect that the incident was where he made some kind of judgement call that was badly informed, or that he made a choice; something innocent enough that nevertheless would give him good reason to feel he should blame himself. And that sounded credible.
Those are just examples; I'm not asking he almost kill people. But this is what started it all? "Curry allergy" is not a phrase I can say with a straight face in context. It seems weaker for him to have this much subtle worry and self-blame over it too, since it's not like he did anything he could plausibly have had control over. This allergic reaction came out of nowhere. It's not a deal-breaker for me, however much I go on about it, but the choice of scenario weakens what could otherwise have been a stellar entry.
(Stepping sideways for a mo, why is there a load of space at the end? Looks like a formatting error to me, guv.)
I'll be kind and say it's a solid entry, because the skill shown elsewhere should receive its dues. But maaan the fic this could have been.
Not much to say that hasn't been said already. Though, I might add that I found the start rather slow; there was minimal reason other than filler to spend any time developing Twilight at the start as a jaded, Rainbow-Dash-Presents-like version of herself.
Also, it's cavalry, not calvary. :e
Also, it's cavalry, not calvary. :e
Most people are (rightly) pointing out the problems with the "retard" line, but honestly my hackles went up when Luna was depicted as kicking the board in a tantrum. If their characterizations are going to stray so much from the canonical depiction, why bother calling them Celestia and Luna?
You should think carefully about making a convincing character voice that fits what we would expect; Luna in the show has her silly or indulgent moments, but she's mostly a very serious pony (sometimes comedically serious) and her emotional outbursts still reflect that (look at how she behaves in Luna Eclipsed, for example; even when she's angry, she's still bombastic and regal). Here, too often she becomes a graceless brat, and it breaks the story over and over.
Celestia's similar as well. She has a distinct way of speaking, but there's a patch in this fic in particular where she's talking about Luna's "cushy number", and the choice of words, the sentence fragments, and the general informal feel of it is almost antithetical to how she's usually portrayed (not that she can't be informal, but again, she'd still be informal in a way that's not straying too far from her regal, mentor-like, knowing depiction in the show).
That stuff keeps breaking what at first promises to be a look at the two sisters. There are hints of worldbuilding and backstory during their argument that would have made a fine subject for the whole fic to tackle: how, after descending from the heavens to the material world, these two have done such a good job that life has become dull and uninvolving. A fine piece of work, that. You tied it in nicely with their boredom at the beginning of the fic.
But the ending ruins it. You suddenly drop the subject for an extended sequence concerning ill-advised potion-drinking, which is simply pointless. It doesn't build on the previous discussion. It has little logical relevance to the closest thing this fic has to a theme: the ennui of gods/godlike beings. It isn't even constructed with any real punchline, like an actual joke would be. It's just there, like you got distracted by a shiny idea partway through the story and put it in, regardless of whether it fit or not.
The last line is meaningless. If it's meant to be a twist, it's so devoid of explanation or even basic clues that it comes off as something you stuck in for the fun of it. There's nothing there. It doesn't shed new light on what went on before, because it doesn't shed any light at all. The whole fic is one big arbitrary series of "and then this happened and then this happened". Made even worse because it could have capitalized on that one theme I mentioned.
Another suspected crackfic,
EDIT: I owe you an apology as well. This wasn't a nice thing for me to say, and it has no place in a constructive critique. I take it back.
and near the bottom of the slate for me, and that's only because the ideas in the argument about their pasts was the one saving grace. The most fundamental advice I can provide for future improvement is to pick a theme and make sure that the events depicted all make sense, lead logically and causally from one to the other, clue us in on what's happening and why, and develop the idea embodying that theme. (Another would be to work on making distinctive and show-consistent voicing).
You should think carefully about making a convincing character voice that fits what we would expect; Luna in the show has her silly or indulgent moments, but she's mostly a very serious pony (sometimes comedically serious) and her emotional outbursts still reflect that (look at how she behaves in Luna Eclipsed, for example; even when she's angry, she's still bombastic and regal). Here, too often she becomes a graceless brat, and it breaks the story over and over.
Celestia's similar as well. She has a distinct way of speaking, but there's a patch in this fic in particular where she's talking about Luna's "cushy number", and the choice of words, the sentence fragments, and the general informal feel of it is almost antithetical to how she's usually portrayed (not that she can't be informal, but again, she'd still be informal in a way that's not straying too far from her regal, mentor-like, knowing depiction in the show).
That stuff keeps breaking what at first promises to be a look at the two sisters. There are hints of worldbuilding and backstory during their argument that would have made a fine subject for the whole fic to tackle: how, after descending from the heavens to the material world, these two have done such a good job that life has become dull and uninvolving. A fine piece of work, that. You tied it in nicely with their boredom at the beginning of the fic.
But the ending ruins it. You suddenly drop the subject for an extended sequence concerning ill-advised potion-drinking, which is simply pointless. It doesn't build on the previous discussion. It has little logical relevance to the closest thing this fic has to a theme: the ennui of gods/godlike beings. It isn't even constructed with any real punchline, like an actual joke would be. It's just there, like you got distracted by a shiny idea partway through the story and put it in, regardless of whether it fit or not.
The last line is meaningless. If it's meant to be a twist, it's so devoid of explanation or even basic clues that it comes off as something you stuck in for the fun of it. There's nothing there. It doesn't shed new light on what went on before, because it doesn't shed any light at all. The whole fic is one big arbitrary series of "and then this happened and then this happened". Made even worse because it could have capitalized on that one theme I mentioned.
EDIT: I owe you an apology as well. This wasn't a nice thing for me to say, and it has no place in a constructive critique. I take it back.
and near the bottom of the slate for me, and that's only because the ideas in the argument about their pasts was the one saving grace. The most fundamental advice I can provide for future improvement is to pick a theme and make sure that the events depicted all make sense, lead logically and causally from one to the other, clue us in on what's happening and why, and develop the idea embodying that theme. (Another would be to work on making distinctive and show-consistent voicing).
First of all: If you're going to set this in the Equestria Girls universe, please mention fingers before the fourth paragraph. I was visualizing the cast as ponies up until then, and it tripped me up.
I liked Pinkie's description of camping as a "party in the woods". Good characterization, there.
Overall, this isn't a bad fic. It didn't do anything to draw a negative reaction out of me, it went down easy, the prose was comfortably straightforward, and it even got a chuckle out of me when the narrative revealed that the campfire was the fiery remains of their luckless transport. I disagree with >>No_Raisin; this is not a visual medium, and delayed revelations - especially well-played examples like this one - are fair game in the written form, as far as I'm concerned.
Alas, I do agree with >>Bachiavellian that this ultimately feels insubstantial. The plot is rudimentary; they're going on a trip, circumstances (which as presented don't do nearly enough to patch up any plot holes, like why everyone couldn't just fly at once) leave these two stranded, Pinkie's apologetic, Rainbow's resentful, and finally we get a funny reveal with the car. It lists the events, but the two strongest points of all this are: Pinkie's drama-ish moment with Rainbow (I say "strongest" because I'm comparing it to the rest of the fic; this "drama" is still underplayed) and, most apparent, the comedy.
Sadly, even then there isn't a lot to sink one's teeth into. Pinkie's behaviour is more subdued than usual; not that I want her bouncing off the wall with insufferable perkiness, but a few funny or off-kilter "Pinkie Pie trying to use logic" lines would be nice. There's nothing particularly funny about the setup that led to them driving the car, so that section feels mostly like exposition with a veneer of inter-character dynamics. The sole chuckle is the unexplained car fire, but when that's the only real punchline, even the comedy feels thin.
My advice would be to include more character-based humour, not in opposition to the drama between Rainbow and Pinkie, but more as an absurd or character-appropriate way of making the same points (for instance, that Dash wanted to drive because she just wants an excuse to race down the highway, or Pinkie annoys Dash by getting carried away and eating too much food). If this is a comedy, then don't scrimp on the funny bits. We like funny bits.
Overall, a respectable mid-tier entry. It needs more flavour to work, but it's a perfectly inoffensive dish as presented.
I liked Pinkie's description of camping as a "party in the woods". Good characterization, there.
Overall, this isn't a bad fic. It didn't do anything to draw a negative reaction out of me, it went down easy, the prose was comfortably straightforward, and it even got a chuckle out of me when the narrative revealed that the campfire was the fiery remains of their luckless transport. I disagree with >>No_Raisin; this is not a visual medium, and delayed revelations - especially well-played examples like this one - are fair game in the written form, as far as I'm concerned.
Alas, I do agree with >>Bachiavellian that this ultimately feels insubstantial. The plot is rudimentary; they're going on a trip, circumstances (which as presented don't do nearly enough to patch up any plot holes, like why everyone couldn't just fly at once) leave these two stranded, Pinkie's apologetic, Rainbow's resentful, and finally we get a funny reveal with the car. It lists the events, but the two strongest points of all this are: Pinkie's drama-ish moment with Rainbow (I say "strongest" because I'm comparing it to the rest of the fic; this "drama" is still underplayed) and, most apparent, the comedy.
Sadly, even then there isn't a lot to sink one's teeth into. Pinkie's behaviour is more subdued than usual; not that I want her bouncing off the wall with insufferable perkiness, but a few funny or off-kilter "Pinkie Pie trying to use logic" lines would be nice. There's nothing particularly funny about the setup that led to them driving the car, so that section feels mostly like exposition with a veneer of inter-character dynamics. The sole chuckle is the unexplained car fire, but when that's the only real punchline, even the comedy feels thin.
My advice would be to include more character-based humour, not in opposition to the drama between Rainbow and Pinkie, but more as an absurd or character-appropriate way of making the same points (for instance, that Dash wanted to drive because she just wants an excuse to race down the highway, or Pinkie annoys Dash by getting carried away and eating too much food). If this is a comedy, then don't scrimp on the funny bits. We like funny bits.
Overall, a respectable mid-tier entry. It needs more flavour to work, but it's a perfectly inoffensive dish as presented.
A major problem with the tone isn't just that it veers into grimdark at the end. I mean, it's got grim elements before then. There are hints that something dark and horrific is going on, though the comedy and exposition are more prominent (I'm thinking of the eerily quiet lab and the talk about making monsters, plus the fact they're hiding from it: very Frankenstein). But that's like a drop or two of tabasco sauce, and then the ending pours a whole vat of the stuff over my meal. It's too much, too quickly, is my point. I went into length about pacing and revealing the horror in another fic, but that one's masterful compared to this inelegant dump. I suggest you read it (it's the Saturday Night comment, FYI).
Otherwise, I tip my hat to this fic. Oph there has the glimmerings of a crisis of conscience in imagining what his pegasus victims must have felt like, which is a fine way to develop the characters in the narrow confines of the word limit, and though it was obvious what was going on, the buildup is well-paced and puts the pieces together in a way that feels... not surprising, but natural at least. Plus, I totally dig horror, even comedic horror. The moment when Discord entered and things got tense was classic.
Unfortunately, it's like the Daring Do fic elsewhere; that ending puts a dent in what otherwise would've been a nigh-flawless piece. After all, what's the payoff for the alchemist's change of heart if he fails and gets tortured to death? Like practically everyone else here, I had a real problem with the fic making Discord so uncharacteristically monstrous. There's bastards, mate, and then there's bastards, and then there's utter bastards.
(That said, is there a reason you don't use his name? If it isn't Discord, you could explain more).
Apart from that, the worldbuilding reads fine to me - it provides enough clues to work out whereabouts in the timeline this is happening - and Oph and Hypo have a decent chemistry (excuse the pun). The name thing is pretty amusing too, in a sarcastically silly way. Overall, despite the ending, I find a lot to like about this one.
Solid entry. So close, and yet so far. If it wasn't for that OTT ending, this'd be a top contender.
Otherwise, I tip my hat to this fic. Oph there has the glimmerings of a crisis of conscience in imagining what his pegasus victims must have felt like, which is a fine way to develop the characters in the narrow confines of the word limit, and though it was obvious what was going on, the buildup is well-paced and puts the pieces together in a way that feels... not surprising, but natural at least. Plus, I totally dig horror, even comedic horror. The moment when Discord entered and things got tense was classic.
Unfortunately, it's like the Daring Do fic elsewhere; that ending puts a dent in what otherwise would've been a nigh-flawless piece. After all, what's the payoff for the alchemist's change of heart if he fails and gets tortured to death? Like practically everyone else here, I had a real problem with the fic making Discord so uncharacteristically monstrous. There's bastards, mate, and then there's bastards, and then there's utter bastards.
(That said, is there a reason you don't use his name? If it isn't Discord, you could explain more).
Apart from that, the worldbuilding reads fine to me - it provides enough clues to work out whereabouts in the timeline this is happening - and Oph and Hypo have a decent chemistry (excuse the pun). The name thing is pretty amusing too, in a sarcastically silly way. Overall, despite the ending, I find a lot to like about this one.
Solid entry. So close, and yet so far. If it wasn't for that OTT ending, this'd be a top contender.
I know it's just a coincidence, but three fics with the word "Perfect" in the title is pretty funny. All of them involve love as a major subject. Two of them involve weddings. Two of them involve "just take our word for it" Rarity-shipping right off the bat. I find that pretty droll, what?
OK, I've had my moment. Onto the story itself, brave comrades!
I'm not gonna mince words: This does have an amateurish feel to it. Not fatally so, because the kernel of the concept is fair game. Fluttershy has a moment of self-doubt and Rarity talks her out of it, showing how much they love each other (not necessarily in a romantic sense, though, but in a platonic friendship sense). The talk about perfectionism is... well, perfect icing on the cake, and easily my favourite part.
It's fine, but here's where I think it needs improvement: the attention to detail is currently inconsistent. And it matters, because if we get bogged down puzzling over whether the elements make sense or fit together, we're too distracted to feel the emotion you want us to feel. Let me give you some examples, with suggestions for how to make them do what you want them to do.
Firstly, setting the scene stops our imaginations worrying over what we're looking at. >>Haze makes the point that at no moment in the fic do we find out where this is all happening. It matters because, unless there's a dramatic justification for delaying the reveal, we want at least a hint as to how the lighting, the colour, the layout of the set, and so on will serve the story going on inside it.
After all, Rarity's boutique is very different in style and mood to Fluttershy's cottage. Revealing which one it is will give us an idea as to whether Fluttershy is trusting Rarity enough to bring her to her own bed (which would subtly put a more desperate spin on her reaching out to Rarity later; she's already proven she can trust Rarity enough to let her into a private place) or if Rarity is the master of the territory (which would make Fluttershy more like an intruder or an odd element, and so give the impression that Fluttershy is feeling slightly more inferior).
Neither setting is "superior" to the other; they work in different ways to paint a different scene and create a different mood. Imagine, for instance, this happening in the wild, natural comfort of Fluttershy's homey den versus the civilized, grandiose palace of Rarity's glamorous abode. Plus, human brains are greedy for visual clues; if you don't provide enough for us readers, it feels unsatisfying, and we might start making up our own against your wishes.
Secondly, the setup for the characters feels a little loose. Who, after all, is Humid, and why would Fluttershy take his word so seriously? Especially as others have mentioned before me: if this is Fluttershy post-character development, that snags against her increased confidence and ability to stand up for herself.
Do we even really need a bully character? Introspective moments can be much more powerful when the characters air doubts they've arrived at all by themselves. Without an external source that can be blamed and used as a target, the focus concentrates on the character and their inner world.
Also, you jump into Fluttershy and Rarity discussing this a little too quickly, and since you're also assuming from word one that they're a couple, it's a little too fast for us readers.
It's good that you want to get us to the point and avoid a slow start, but something this heavy and serious needs at least a little build-up. Look at Soft Stitches, for example; that fic has a great build-up to the main problem with characters treating it slowly and carefully, hinting at what the issue is, and I think if you did something like that, you'd immediately enrich the story you want to tell.
Next, I'd probably focus less on getting to the heart-warming reconciliation as fast as possible, and more on letting the characters guide each other to a mutual understanding. You've got the essence, undeniably: Fluttershy has self-doubt, and Rarity will talk her out of it. But you make Fluttershy seem too vaguely misguided. What "selfish wants", for example? You can't just say things like that, because readers can't gauge how accurate or real the claim is; we generally require examples or demonstrations, so we can better appreciate or judge what the character thinks.
More to the point: Fluttershy may be totally right, and she does spend too many hours going off to indulge herself (or, this being Fluttershy, "indulge" herself), or she may be wrong and she really works to breaking point trying to meet her animals' needs. Or it could be somewhere between those two extremes.
Without knowing, we have no baseline from which to judge Rarity's response, and whether it's sensible or not. I'll also add that Rarity's "no animal died under Fluttershy's care" is an unrealistic claim, though it is at least an example of how good Fluttershy is, so you do (at least sometimes) grasp the principle of exemplification I was talking about.
Also, don't just have Rarity obviously bowl Fluttershy's argument over. I find it's much more interesting to have both sides be right, at least in part, so that there's a great struggle before we get our victory. It's the difference between a close, tense match between two equally strong opponents, and a boring curb-stomp where it's so obvious who'll win that watching the match is just a predictable formality.
Finally, though I won't harp on the point (other commenters have made the case anyway), the prose does need a bit of tidying up. This isn't because of grammatical or stylistic pedantry; it's a kindness to your readers to help them slide through the prose and feel they're being guided through the story.
For instance, >>Trick_Question makes a point about depicting how tense Fluttershy is. Telling us she "exploded" - a violent, sudden action - doesn't match the trembling, slow burn of actual tension. Think about body language: how it matches up to emotions, how it reveals what a person might be thinking or feeling. I'd strongly recommend finding a book about the subject, mostly because it's quite surprising just how many ways people can communicate non-verbally.
And finding words that pair off together can help; when I described the differences between Fluttershy's cottage and Rarity's boutique, notice how the choice of words combine to give each one a distinct flavour? All words can do that, and your job is to find the words and metaphors that complement rather than clash with what you're trying to say ("explode", for instance, pairs very well with an angry outburst; even if it is a bit predictable, it at least fits, and that's fine).
Sorry if all this advice is too much. I'm probs drowning you with words here, though. I don't want to give the impression I'm talking down to you by dumping so much advice here, so soz if it comes across that way.
To be honest with you, the fic as-is won't score highly on my slate. I'm judging the fic as presented. I do get the impression you might be a beginner, though I do think there's promise here. The discussion about perfectionism is certainly more thoughtful than your average "and then they kissed" shipfic.
If nothing else, I'm OK if you want to leave this comment alone and try something else your way instead.
(Well, that and I'm partial to Rarishy, but keep that under your hat, eh?) ;)
OK, I've had my moment. Onto the story itself, brave comrades!
I'm not gonna mince words: This does have an amateurish feel to it. Not fatally so, because the kernel of the concept is fair game. Fluttershy has a moment of self-doubt and Rarity talks her out of it, showing how much they love each other (not necessarily in a romantic sense, though, but in a platonic friendship sense). The talk about perfectionism is... well, perfect icing on the cake, and easily my favourite part.
It's fine, but here's where I think it needs improvement: the attention to detail is currently inconsistent. And it matters, because if we get bogged down puzzling over whether the elements make sense or fit together, we're too distracted to feel the emotion you want us to feel. Let me give you some examples, with suggestions for how to make them do what you want them to do.
Firstly, setting the scene stops our imaginations worrying over what we're looking at. >>Haze makes the point that at no moment in the fic do we find out where this is all happening. It matters because, unless there's a dramatic justification for delaying the reveal, we want at least a hint as to how the lighting, the colour, the layout of the set, and so on will serve the story going on inside it.
After all, Rarity's boutique is very different in style and mood to Fluttershy's cottage. Revealing which one it is will give us an idea as to whether Fluttershy is trusting Rarity enough to bring her to her own bed (which would subtly put a more desperate spin on her reaching out to Rarity later; she's already proven she can trust Rarity enough to let her into a private place) or if Rarity is the master of the territory (which would make Fluttershy more like an intruder or an odd element, and so give the impression that Fluttershy is feeling slightly more inferior).
Neither setting is "superior" to the other; they work in different ways to paint a different scene and create a different mood. Imagine, for instance, this happening in the wild, natural comfort of Fluttershy's homey den versus the civilized, grandiose palace of Rarity's glamorous abode. Plus, human brains are greedy for visual clues; if you don't provide enough for us readers, it feels unsatisfying, and we might start making up our own against your wishes.
Secondly, the setup for the characters feels a little loose. Who, after all, is Humid, and why would Fluttershy take his word so seriously? Especially as others have mentioned before me: if this is Fluttershy post-character development, that snags against her increased confidence and ability to stand up for herself.
Do we even really need a bully character? Introspective moments can be much more powerful when the characters air doubts they've arrived at all by themselves. Without an external source that can be blamed and used as a target, the focus concentrates on the character and their inner world.
Also, you jump into Fluttershy and Rarity discussing this a little too quickly, and since you're also assuming from word one that they're a couple, it's a little too fast for us readers.
It's good that you want to get us to the point and avoid a slow start, but something this heavy and serious needs at least a little build-up. Look at Soft Stitches, for example; that fic has a great build-up to the main problem with characters treating it slowly and carefully, hinting at what the issue is, and I think if you did something like that, you'd immediately enrich the story you want to tell.
Next, I'd probably focus less on getting to the heart-warming reconciliation as fast as possible, and more on letting the characters guide each other to a mutual understanding. You've got the essence, undeniably: Fluttershy has self-doubt, and Rarity will talk her out of it. But you make Fluttershy seem too vaguely misguided. What "selfish wants", for example? You can't just say things like that, because readers can't gauge how accurate or real the claim is; we generally require examples or demonstrations, so we can better appreciate or judge what the character thinks.
More to the point: Fluttershy may be totally right, and she does spend too many hours going off to indulge herself (or, this being Fluttershy, "indulge" herself), or she may be wrong and she really works to breaking point trying to meet her animals' needs. Or it could be somewhere between those two extremes.
Without knowing, we have no baseline from which to judge Rarity's response, and whether it's sensible or not. I'll also add that Rarity's "no animal died under Fluttershy's care" is an unrealistic claim, though it is at least an example of how good Fluttershy is, so you do (at least sometimes) grasp the principle of exemplification I was talking about.
Also, don't just have Rarity obviously bowl Fluttershy's argument over. I find it's much more interesting to have both sides be right, at least in part, so that there's a great struggle before we get our victory. It's the difference between a close, tense match between two equally strong opponents, and a boring curb-stomp where it's so obvious who'll win that watching the match is just a predictable formality.
Finally, though I won't harp on the point (other commenters have made the case anyway), the prose does need a bit of tidying up. This isn't because of grammatical or stylistic pedantry; it's a kindness to your readers to help them slide through the prose and feel they're being guided through the story.
For instance, >>Trick_Question makes a point about depicting how tense Fluttershy is. Telling us she "exploded" - a violent, sudden action - doesn't match the trembling, slow burn of actual tension. Think about body language: how it matches up to emotions, how it reveals what a person might be thinking or feeling. I'd strongly recommend finding a book about the subject, mostly because it's quite surprising just how many ways people can communicate non-verbally.
And finding words that pair off together can help; when I described the differences between Fluttershy's cottage and Rarity's boutique, notice how the choice of words combine to give each one a distinct flavour? All words can do that, and your job is to find the words and metaphors that complement rather than clash with what you're trying to say ("explode", for instance, pairs very well with an angry outburst; even if it is a bit predictable, it at least fits, and that's fine).
Sorry if all this advice is too much. I'm probs drowning you with words here, though. I don't want to give the impression I'm talking down to you by dumping so much advice here, so soz if it comes across that way.
To be honest with you, the fic as-is won't score highly on my slate. I'm judging the fic as presented. I do get the impression you might be a beginner, though I do think there's promise here. The discussion about perfectionism is certainly more thoughtful than your average "and then they kissed" shipfic.
If nothing else, I'm OK if you want to leave this comment alone and try something else your way instead.
(Well, that and I'm partial to Rarishy, but keep that under your hat, eh?) ;)
>>CoffeeMinion
It looks like it. I’m thankful, it means I have a better chance of getting in a drawing or two.
It looks like it. I’m thankful, it means I have a better chance of getting in a drawing or two.
>>BlueChameleonVI
I guess you can't help reacting to something the way you do, but just go on FiMFiction and see how many places authors use "arm" to mean a foreleg. I do it myself, and nobody's complained.
EDIT: There are canon examples of it, too.
I guess you can't help reacting to something the way you do, but just go on FiMFiction and see how many places authors use "arm" to mean a foreleg. I do it myself, and nobody's complained.
EDIT: There are canon examples of it, too.
I think it can be deceptively difficult to make a simple "character-learns-a-lesson" story work in a minific format, and I think this story does a great job of making it feel like its main character genuinely did have a significant experience. The fact that this character is an OC is also pretty impressive.
Compared to a lot other reviews here, I wasn't as bothered by the "moral", but it did still strike me as funny. I get that you're trying to teach Push Broom that life isn't all just fancy parties and that there is meaning in work that isn't immediately apparent. But at the same time, it almost feels like Push Broom doesn't deserve to enjoy a Royal Wedding because of her job. Her character arc is that she learns that she can be happy without attending a dreamy wedding, but I think that the fact that she is not allowed any involvement in the wedding at all (outside of her labor) makes it feel like she's being excluded from privileged society and forced to be content.
So maybe have Luna sneak her a cupcake, or something? Or make it clearer that Push Broom's absence from the wedding is ultimately her choice. I still enjoyed the story very much and will likely score it towards the top of my slate, but if your themes were a little clearer, it might help prevent some of the unfortunate readings that some folks seem to be having.
Compared to a lot other reviews here, I wasn't as bothered by the "moral", but it did still strike me as funny. I get that you're trying to teach Push Broom that life isn't all just fancy parties and that there is meaning in work that isn't immediately apparent. But at the same time, it almost feels like Push Broom doesn't deserve to enjoy a Royal Wedding because of her job. Her character arc is that she learns that she can be happy without attending a dreamy wedding, but I think that the fact that she is not allowed any involvement in the wedding at all (outside of her labor) makes it feel like she's being excluded from privileged society and forced to be content.
So maybe have Luna sneak her a cupcake, or something? Or make it clearer that Push Broom's absence from the wedding is ultimately her choice. I still enjoyed the story very much and will likely score it towards the top of my slate, but if your themes were a little clearer, it might help prevent some of the unfortunate readings that some folks seem to be having.
I'm not sure why, but I kinda bounced off most of these jokes. I did smile at the last scene, but for most of the rest of the story I found things mildly pleasant but not quite humorous.
As for why, I'm sorry but I'm honestly not entirely sure. Comedy is a genre that I personally find harder to write and review for some reason. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that maybe the mash-up of the MLP setting with real-world job-searching woes isn't playing well together in my head. Or maybe it's just because I hate being reminded of the existence of the Friendship School. In any case, it's probably something super subjective and personal, so I don't hold it against the story.
As for why, I'm sorry but I'm honestly not entirely sure. Comedy is a genre that I personally find harder to write and review for some reason. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that maybe the mash-up of the MLP setting with real-world job-searching woes isn't playing well together in my head. Or maybe it's just because I hate being reminded of the existence of the Friendship School. In any case, it's probably something super subjective and personal, so I don't hold it against the story.
Sorry about the technical difficulties. I was away this weekend and wasn't able to do anything short of hitting the reboot button. The rounds have been extended so there's still 1 day to finish prelim voting and art submissions.
I haven't figured out what the problem is but have setup a debug system up so I'll know what it is when it happens next. It's probably something to do with art submissions.
I haven't figured out what the problem is but have setup a debug system up so I'll know what it is when it happens next. It's probably something to do with art submissions.
>>RogerDodger
So I guess what you’re saying is that, between the combination of technical difficulties and being away, this Writeoff—
*puts on sunglasses*
—could have gone better
So I guess what you’re saying is that, between the combination of technical difficulties and being away, this Writeoff—
*puts on sunglasses*
—could have gone better
>>BlueChameleonVI
Sigh. I'm taking this review down. It was extremely bad form to go off on a tangent like this, much less to make such a poor excuse of a "constructive" critique that boils down to reiterating my dislike of the genre. I revoke my comments and confess I screwed up badly.
I still don't like this kind of feghoot fic, but that's no excuse for reacting mean-spiritedly.
Sigh. I'm taking this review down. It was extremely bad form to go off on a tangent like this, much less to make such a poor excuse of a "constructive" critique that boils down to reiterating my dislike of the genre. I revoke my comments and confess I screwed up badly.
I still don't like this kind of feghoot fic, but that's no excuse for reacting mean-spiritedly.
>>BlueChameleonVI
And while I'm at it, I'm removing this one too. My review boils down to "I don't like this sort of genre", and I've got little to nothing critical to say about the fic itself. Plus, saying I think it's a crackfic is just... not good sport.
Sorry, author. :(
And while I'm at it, I'm removing this one too. My review boils down to "I don't like this sort of genre", and I've got little to nothing critical to say about the fic itself. Plus, saying I think it's a crackfic is just... not good sport.
Sorry, author. :(
A darker story is the great palate cleanser after all these comedies. I really like what you've got going on with the imagery and mood here.
Grogar's voice comes across very strongly, here. In fact, it might actually be a little too strong. A couple of times, his bellowing dialogue combined with the hulking descriptions feel almost over-the-top. During my first read-through, there were moments where I thought that the story might be a comedy. But take this with a grain of salt, because this might just be my brain being stuck on comedy after seeing so many this round.
One other thing that could use a brush-up is the last paragraph. It does feel a little explain-y, with Luna doing the whole "talking to no one" act. It might be a better idea to do her reveal before Grogar dies, so that she can talk directly to him and make it feel less like she's speaking for the sake of the audience.
Other than that, though, I think you've got a very enjoyable work here. It manages to make itself feel significant within the wordcount of a minific, which is no simple feat.
Grogar's voice comes across very strongly, here. In fact, it might actually be a little too strong. A couple of times, his bellowing dialogue combined with the hulking descriptions feel almost over-the-top. During my first read-through, there were moments where I thought that the story might be a comedy. But take this with a grain of salt, because this might just be my brain being stuck on comedy after seeing so many this round.
One other thing that could use a brush-up is the last paragraph. It does feel a little explain-y, with Luna doing the whole "talking to no one" act. It might be a better idea to do her reveal before Grogar dies, so that she can talk directly to him and make it feel less like she's speaking for the sake of the audience.
Other than that, though, I think you've got a very enjoyable work here. It manages to make itself feel significant within the wordcount of a minific, which is no simple feat.
The prose of this story is very strong. It's effectively descriptive where it should be, but it also manages to become invisible where it needs to be. That kind of writing makes it very easy to read from start to finish without loss of attention.
Honestly, though, I'm having a little trouble trying to figure out what the payoff of this story is supposed to be. There is a definite build-up of tension throughout the story, but the moment of the vomiting itself is a single sentence that's fairly detached in tone. Which makes it hard for it to strike me as funny. Gross-out humor needs to be squelchy and descriptive, after all.
So in the end, I'm just not really sure what I'm supposed to be taking away from this. The story definitely doesn't feel insubstantial (the prose helps with that a lot, IMO), but at the same time it does feel to me that an awful lot was accomplished.
Honestly, though, I'm having a little trouble trying to figure out what the payoff of this story is supposed to be. There is a definite build-up of tension throughout the story, but the moment of the vomiting itself is a single sentence that's fairly detached in tone. Which makes it hard for it to strike me as funny. Gross-out humor needs to be squelchy and descriptive, after all.
So in the end, I'm just not really sure what I'm supposed to be taking away from this. The story definitely doesn't feel insubstantial (the prose helps with that a lot, IMO), but at the same time it does feel to me that an awful lot was accomplished.
I normally loathe stories of this nature.
...
But this one made me chuckle. That's telling enough.
...
But this one made me chuckle. That's telling enough.
>>BlueChameleonVI
When you're trying to help with reviews it's very easy to go overboard without realizing it. I've been there.
When you're trying to help with reviews it's very easy to go overboard without realizing it. I've been there.
The other night, Dubs Rewatcher and I went through a bunch of 5-review stories, and bantered our respective thoughts at one another. We didn't make it through the whole list before the site went down, but this was one of the stories we did manage to finish together. I'm gonna give my own thoughts on it, and some of the others as well.
It's super cute, but the writing and the events of the story don't really connect to one another that well. By this, I mean that SciTwi's experiment is largely ignored in favor of cute flirting and banter between herself and Sunset. The nature of the experiment is hardly even hinted at until the end of the story, when it's suddenly and unceremoniously dropped on top of the reader's face.
So, the reveal isn't built up to effectively, and the punchline doesn't land as well as it should.
Also, if the experiment went as SciTwi predicted... wouldn't these be expected results?
It's super cute, but the writing and the events of the story don't really connect to one another that well. By this, I mean that SciTwi's experiment is largely ignored in favor of cute flirting and banter between herself and Sunset. The nature of the experiment is hardly even hinted at until the end of the story, when it's suddenly and unceremoniously dropped on top of the reader's face.
So, the reveal isn't built up to effectively, and the punchline doesn't land as well as it should.
Also, if the experiment went as SciTwi predicted... wouldn't these be expected results?
As an epistolary piece, this might've worked. But I don't get the sense from the way that the story's framed that it's supposed to be a letter, necessarily. A lot of the second-person language feels conversational, rather than like letter-writing. So, if this is meant to be a transcript of a conversation Lightning is having with Dashie -- a one-sided conversation, even, or an imaginary one -- then I think it... works? Mostly?
On the other hand, a lot of the figurative language that she uses feels out of place, considering the way the author's trying to frame it. Flowerier than a person like Lightning would actually speak. It doesn't feel authentic from a voicing perspective, and the framing doesn't feel write for an epistolary piece.
All this is not to say that the story is bad, or ineffective; it's actually quite nice, quite good, and I love that Lightning sees some of herself in Wind Rider (a character who I actually had to think twice about before I could remember who the fuck he was). It's a good character study whose framing the author might want to tweak a bit, that's all.
On the other hand, a lot of the figurative language that she uses feels out of place, considering the way the author's trying to frame it. Flowerier than a person like Lightning would actually speak. It doesn't feel authentic from a voicing perspective, and the framing doesn't feel write for an epistolary piece.
All this is not to say that the story is bad, or ineffective; it's actually quite nice, quite good, and I love that Lightning sees some of herself in Wind Rider (a character who I actually had to think twice about before I could remember who the fuck he was). It's a good character study whose framing the author might want to tweak a bit, that's all.
Mashups incoming in 3... 2... 1...
Thank You For Imported Marital Aids: A merry mix-up (and significant property damage) ensues when Sunset and Starlight are summoned to bring "new and unusual toys" to Shiny and Cady's chambers. After first surviving, and then firing their new communications director, the royal couple give Twilight the bad news: they don't have bandwidth to help put together Horse-MENSA welcome bags after all.
The Catsitter of Hoofholt: In a world... where dragons rule the land... one mare... and an army of Daedric cats... make with the Fus! Roh! Dah!
This Is The Big Important Wizard: After Cherry strikes out with Sunburst, Raindrops steps up to bat, and rolls a natural 20 on her Flirt check...
Summer Palaver 1008: All Starlight wanted was a nice cup of tea with princess Luna. All she got was a masquerading Discord calling her a "retard." And all she could do, in the end, was leave him a bad Yelp review.
Thank You For Imported Marital Aids: A merry mix-up (and significant property damage) ensues when Sunset and Starlight are summoned to bring "new and unusual toys" to Shiny and Cady's chambers. After first surviving, and then firing their new communications director, the royal couple give Twilight the bad news: they don't have bandwidth to help put together Horse-MENSA welcome bags after all.
The Catsitter of Hoofholt: In a world... where dragons rule the land... one mare... and an army of Daedric cats... make with the Fus! Roh! Dah!
This Is The Big Important Wizard: After Cherry strikes out with Sunburst, Raindrops steps up to bat, and rolls a natural 20 on her Flirt check...
Summer Palaver 1008: All Starlight wanted was a nice cup of tea with princess Luna. All she got was a masquerading Discord calling her a "retard." And all she could do, in the end, was leave him a bad Yelp review.
This is a really, really good example of how to write an epistolary story. I'm usually not a fan of stories written as letters or journals or whatever just because there are a lot of ways to do them wrong. But does story not only does a great job of pacing its tension and keeping the reader engrossed, it also greatly benefits from its format from the fact that it leaves a lot of room for implications. Nice stuff!
If I had to file a complaint, I'd say that the tones and themes here are awfully disconnected from that of the show, and for some reason it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I mentioned in chat that I don't quite feel like it earns its break away the spirit of the show, but I'm honestly not 100% sure why I feel that way. I don't consider myself inherently against grimdark ponyfics, so it's hard for me to judge exactly why my gut-reaction was somewhat negative. Subjective territory--I know--so I'll take it into consideration while scoring.
If I had to file a complaint, I'd say that the tones and themes here are awfully disconnected from that of the show, and for some reason it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I mentioned in chat that I don't quite feel like it earns its break away the spirit of the show, but I'm honestly not 100% sure why I feel that way. I don't consider myself inherently against grimdark ponyfics, so it's hard for me to judge exactly why my gut-reaction was somewhat negative. Subjective territory--I know--so I'll take it into consideration while scoring.
This is fun and light, and somehow manages to perfectly capture the essence of Opal's character in the most ridiculous of ways.
Truthfully though, this story felt shorter than its wordcount to me. I think a lot of it has to do with the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th paragraphs. The first paragraph introduces the setting and main characters, but it isn't until the 6th paragraph that the primary conflict begins. The almost 270 words that come in between feel meandering. They don't introduce any vital information, and instead serve primarily to establish a sense of normalcy that Opal shatters when she speaks. Personally, though, I think 270 words (more than 1/3 of your word limit) is far too much time. You could have probably achieved a similar effect with about 100 words, in my opinion.
In the end, both the exchange between Spike and Opal and the exchange with Sweetie playing straight-mare are nice, but they feel clipped short. I feel like they should be the meat and potatoes of your story, but with only 150 words in the former and 200 words in the latter, I just didn't feel like they were enough.
Maintaining a minific's focus and scope is probably the most difficult aspect of these competitions, since you have so few words rationed to you. As I've said in an earlier review, if you look at previous minific winners, almost all of them set up their conflicts and get going within the first 50-100 words. So you really have to make sure that there's absolutely no redundant fat on your bones to make your story feel more substantial than the scant 750 words you're given. There is a fun story to be had here, but it does feel a little boxed-in by the wordcount to me.
Truthfully though, this story felt shorter than its wordcount to me. I think a lot of it has to do with the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th paragraphs. The first paragraph introduces the setting and main characters, but it isn't until the 6th paragraph that the primary conflict begins. The almost 270 words that come in between feel meandering. They don't introduce any vital information, and instead serve primarily to establish a sense of normalcy that Opal shatters when she speaks. Personally, though, I think 270 words (more than 1/3 of your word limit) is far too much time. You could have probably achieved a similar effect with about 100 words, in my opinion.
In the end, both the exchange between Spike and Opal and the exchange with Sweetie playing straight-mare are nice, but they feel clipped short. I feel like they should be the meat and potatoes of your story, but with only 150 words in the former and 200 words in the latter, I just didn't feel like they were enough.
Maintaining a minific's focus and scope is probably the most difficult aspect of these competitions, since you have so few words rationed to you. As I've said in an earlier review, if you look at previous minific winners, almost all of them set up their conflicts and get going within the first 50-100 words. So you really have to make sure that there's absolutely no redundant fat on your bones to make your story feel more substantial than the scant 750 words you're given. There is a fun story to be had here, but it does feel a little boxed-in by the wordcount to me.
>>CoffeeMinion
Mashups!!
As Perfect as Diplomacy Could Be: Twilight and Rarity's wedding almost goes off without a hitch until Celestia vomits on the happy couple.
A- Guidance Services: In the magical and horsey land of Equestria, if little foals don't get 100% on their tests, they're fucking institutionalized.
Soft Catsitter: When Opal the eldritch nightmare unleashes her fantastic and terrifying might, Spike the Undaunted laughs, for he feels nothing at all.
Giswielda's Ecstasy: "Hocus Pocus, it's another Alicorn Princess!"
Mashups!!
As Perfect as Diplomacy Could Be: Twilight and Rarity's wedding almost goes off without a hitch until Celestia vomits on the happy couple.
A- Guidance Services: In the magical and horsey land of Equestria, if little foals don't get 100% on their tests, they're fucking institutionalized.
Soft Catsitter: When Opal the eldritch nightmare unleashes her fantastic and terrifying might, Spike the Undaunted laughs, for he feels nothing at all.
Giswielda's Ecstasy: "Hocus Pocus, it's another Alicorn Princess!"
And on the Seventh Day, the Deity rested, with some popcorn and Netflix to re-watch the best bits.
This really clicked with me. It's humble and cute, but it also does a great job as a slice of life. The irony feels a bit poignant, in that the chief is the only one bothered by the mishap, while everypony else is finding an unexpected bright side to it.
The last line feels like the wrong note to end on. I'm actually not sure what the smile is about. The smug condescension of a disciplinarian? He's proud of his little pun? Or wink-wink-nudge-nudge he knows what Raindrops is checking out even if his words pretend otherwise? Whatever it is, I think it draws too much attention to himself, since most of the fic is about her ignoring him. And in another way, it seems to be trying to wrap up the story neatly at the end, while I think it would serve the rhythm better by having it trail off instead. Sorry if that sounds kind of abstract, slice of life stories are tricky to dissect.
I'm only focusing on this one weakness because I liked the rest so much. Just not a fan of ending it on that last line, which I suspect may leave the reader with a mysterious sense of disappointment, rather than appreciation.
The last line feels like the wrong note to end on. I'm actually not sure what the smile is about. The smug condescension of a disciplinarian? He's proud of his little pun? Or wink-wink-nudge-nudge he knows what Raindrops is checking out even if his words pretend otherwise? Whatever it is, I think it draws too much attention to himself, since most of the fic is about her ignoring him. And in another way, it seems to be trying to wrap up the story neatly at the end, while I think it would serve the rhythm better by having it trail off instead. Sorry if that sounds kind of abstract, slice of life stories are tricky to dissect.
I'm only focusing on this one weakness because I liked the rest so much. Just not a fan of ending it on that last line, which I suspect may leave the reader with a mysterious sense of disappointment, rather than appreciation.
>>Trick_Question
Oh, I just thought those were fans listening to the episode and writing down what they heard. I didn't realize they were official.
Oh, I just thought those were fans listening to the episode and writing down what they heard. I didn't realize they were official.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>axxuy
>>CoffeeMinion
>>No_Raisin
>>Trick_Question
>>Moosetasm
>>Bachiavellian
>>BlueChameleonVI
Thanks to all for reading and commenting, and good luck to the finalists.
This is a scene involving a teen-aged Luna and a barely older Celestia. Luna acts and speaks as a typical teenager (as I can gauge from my own daughter and her friends) : random actions (out of ennui), hissy fits, carelessness and strong words. That’s why I stand by every word I wrote.
The ending is left to your interpretation. Is it Nightmare Moon? Is it Discord? It’s for you to decide, though you might find a clue in the text.
I see no reason for Celestia to speak formally to her sister.
I think Trick and BCVI are right: my headcanon about pony characters has drifted light-years away from what the show-watchers expect. The oldest of you are accustomed to my regular bitching, but it won’t be the case here, as I’m perfectly satisfied with what I wrote. Yet, this is definitely my last pony fic ever: I see no point in carrying on writing what basically can be construed as OF in pony form. I don’t care enough about pony anymore to force my headcanon into the show’s standards, so that’s basically it: goodbye ponies!
However, see you next round for the OF short story!
PS: Oops. The title. I first intended to name it “Moonlight Palaver II” in reference to Carabas. Then I changed Moonlight to Morning in an attempt to distance my “fic” from his, but I didn’t remove the “II” because I thought it sounded like a modern art piece title, and that was fun.
>>axxuy
>>CoffeeMinion
>>No_Raisin
>>Trick_Question
>>Moosetasm
>>Bachiavellian
>>BlueChameleonVI
Thanks to all for reading and commenting, and good luck to the finalists.
This is a scene involving a teen-aged Luna and a barely older Celestia. Luna acts and speaks as a typical teenager (as I can gauge from my own daughter and her friends) : random actions (out of ennui), hissy fits, carelessness and strong words. That’s why I stand by every word I wrote.
The ending is left to your interpretation. Is it Nightmare Moon? Is it Discord? It’s for you to decide, though you might find a clue in the text.
I see no reason for Celestia to speak formally to her sister.
I think Trick and BCVI are right: my headcanon about pony characters has drifted light-years away from what the show-watchers expect. The oldest of you are accustomed to my regular bitching, but it won’t be the case here, as I’m perfectly satisfied with what I wrote. Yet, this is definitely my last pony fic ever: I see no point in carrying on writing what basically can be construed as OF in pony form. I don’t care enough about pony anymore to force my headcanon into the show’s standards, so that’s basically it: goodbye ponies!
However, see you next round for the OF short story!
PS: Oops. The title. I first intended to name it “Moonlight Palaver II” in reference to Carabas. Then I changed Moonlight to Morning in an attempt to distance my “fic” from his, but I didn’t remove the “II” because I thought it sounded like a modern art piece title, and that was fun.
Everybody please go and give all of the art at least one review. It doesn’t have to be long and drawn out.
Thank you!!
Thank you!!
Huh. You know, I think this may be the first time I've ever not made it into the finals? Does that count as a milestone? I'm gonna count it as a milestone. Yay, milestone! Congrats to those who moved on.
>>FanOfMostEverything >>No_Raisin >>BlueChameleonVI >>Trick_Question >>Bachiavellian
I fascinates me that nobody got what I was really doing with this story, and even applied vastly off meanings to it.
For reasons I honestly can't claim to know, I found myself thinking about how the average, ordinary, everyday pony might view the princesses, and as an extension of that, how average, ordinary, everyday people look upon their idols. Twilight Sparkle's adoration of Celestia in the first season, the way she just lit up at the very idea of her mentor, is a good example. But I didn't want to use Twilight Sparkle, that was too easy. So instead I went with randomly generated OC #136078.
The whole point of the story was nothing more than showing how a regular run-of-the-mill pony, who was otherwise having a bad day, could suddenly feel on top of the world just because one of the princesses happened to notice she existed. And praised her, bonus! Is this not how people in the real world behave around their heroes? Would a vehement Trump backer not gush if he walked into the room? Would a liberal acolyte not become a grinning mess if Hillary Clinton walked up and shook their hand? I just wanted to capture that little moment of joy for a pony.
All that being said, I can see there are issues to be had. My intent wasn't clear. Everyone expected a lesson or a moral to the story, and I didn't offer one. That's entirely on me. I suppose I also could have made Luna more friendly or chatty with Push Broom, but that would have defied the seminal point: the idol doesn't need to do anything but be present and say a word or two of acknowledgement to make the pony's month. It's a shame people took this as Push Broom being a social slave or self-punishing or any of the other negative connotations, which are not even remotely related to what's happening here. And again, that's probably on me for choosing this particular setting and not clarifying the intent.
But I digress. I'm supposed to be working right now anyway. My thanks to everyone who commented! You've all given me a little more to think about. Which, really, is the reason I enter these contests in the first place.
>>FanOfMostEverything >>No_Raisin >>BlueChameleonVI >>Trick_Question >>Bachiavellian
I fascinates me that nobody got what I was really doing with this story, and even applied vastly off meanings to it.
For reasons I honestly can't claim to know, I found myself thinking about how the average, ordinary, everyday pony might view the princesses, and as an extension of that, how average, ordinary, everyday people look upon their idols. Twilight Sparkle's adoration of Celestia in the first season, the way she just lit up at the very idea of her mentor, is a good example. But I didn't want to use Twilight Sparkle, that was too easy. So instead I went with randomly generated OC #136078.
The whole point of the story was nothing more than showing how a regular run-of-the-mill pony, who was otherwise having a bad day, could suddenly feel on top of the world just because one of the princesses happened to notice she existed. And praised her, bonus! Is this not how people in the real world behave around their heroes? Would a vehement Trump backer not gush if he walked into the room? Would a liberal acolyte not become a grinning mess if Hillary Clinton walked up and shook their hand? I just wanted to capture that little moment of joy for a pony.
All that being said, I can see there are issues to be had. My intent wasn't clear. Everyone expected a lesson or a moral to the story, and I didn't offer one. That's entirely on me. I suppose I also could have made Luna more friendly or chatty with Push Broom, but that would have defied the seminal point: the idol doesn't need to do anything but be present and say a word or two of acknowledgement to make the pony's month. It's a shame people took this as Push Broom being a social slave or self-punishing or any of the other negative connotations, which are not even remotely related to what's happening here. And again, that's probably on me for choosing this particular setting and not clarifying the intent.
But I digress. I'm supposed to be working right now anyway. My thanks to everyone who commented! You've all given me a little more to think about. Which, really, is the reason I enter these contests in the first place.
>>PaulAsaran In slight defense, I did say I was pretty sure that wasn't your intent. But intent is only half the battle, and execution is the other half. It's like GI Joe. :D
Welp, pretty much from the moment comments started pouring in, I figured this was on a hiding to nothing. A pity, but I did pays my money and takes my choice, after all.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Now you mention it, "Poor Thunder" would have worked much more consistently.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>axxuy
>>MrExtra
No arguments here: I think what killed this structurally was the decision to divide it up into stanzas to begin with. In the original draft, the whole thing was divided up quite neatly into self-contained stanzas until I realized I had to cut certain sections to keep to the word limit. I was either going to combine it into one long poem, or stick to the stanza format and grit my teeth. I thought the former would be more visually off-putting because it would've been a wall of text.
In hindsight, I clearly made the wrong call (I make no apology for the "run-on lines" or enjambement itself, which is a perfectly serviceable and useful poetic technique, but it didn't play well with the new stanza scheme at all).
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>MrExtra
Regarding the chronology, I was a bit hazy myself, but I vaguely had the idea that this was before he applied for the Wonderbolt Academy in Season Three, especially since he doesn't actually show up before "Hurricane Fluttershy".
Also, he goes to Ponyville because, basically, it's not Cloudsdale. The implication was that all this praise came from fellow pegasi, and he just wanted to get away from all that and go somewhere civilized, nearby, and not pegasus-dominant.
>>FanOfMostEverything
"and the story underneath wasn’t much to write home about."
Aw man, you're breaking my heart. (Sheds single tear)
>>axxuy
"but I appluad your ambition"
Thanks! Even if it didn't work out...
>>No_Raisin
I will pay for your therapy, comrade.
Now, I could say something smart, like I was deliberately going for a young reader's style with the simple rhyme scheme and unfussy iambic tetrameter (I grew up on Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes, which use the form) and attached a straightforward tale about dealing with sucking (a surprisingly rare theme in fiction). But really I wrote a poem because I was experimental and I wanted to write a poem.
In my world, prose and poetry are just choices of style. I use prose more often, sure, but I don't require as many special reasons for poetry as most people do (this may be a character flaw). Poetry is, in my mind, word music. The fact that poetry is a matter of taste kind of saddens me - once an elevated art form, it now seems to have connotations of pretentiousness and old-fashioned groan-worthiness, which breaks my literary heart, so it does - but ah well, I knew the risks.
I truly am disappointed the metric scheme didn't go as well as I'd hoped. And apart from the occasional feminine rhyme, I don't feel as guilty about the simple/simplistic rhyme scheme.
As for anything actionable here... I was going to say "don't write poems again", but A) I'm not bowing down to one person's tastes, as much as I respect they have their own opinion, B) practice makes perfect, or at least less cringeworthy, and C) damnit, Baal proved it could work last time.
At least you liked the story. There's that.
"I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this."
Considering what some of the others got... Ouch.
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Trick_Question
Finally! Someone who actually likes it! And I was all set to write this one off as a complete loss.
>>Trick_Question
I guess my only defence is that my inner voice glides over the middle syllables in "normally" and "usually" so that they sound like "norm'ly" and "us'ly" anyway, but I see where you're coming from. Something I will act upon next time I try something like this. Thanks!
>>Bachiavellian
>>MrExtra
All right, I grant you "Flight Camp" is actually a spondee (FLIGHT CAMP) and not, as I'd initially assumed, a trochee (FLIGHT camp). Maybe I should ignore the show and go for "FLIGHT school" instead?
>>Bachiavellian
That said, since when was it "DISgrace" and not "disGRACE"? And your second example is easy to solve: emphasize "EVERYONE" and not "KNOWS" (I don't understand how this didn't register).
I'll sport one or two cockups, but I did manage the beats/stresses as much as I managed the rhyme and syllable count.
Nevertheless, thank you overall for the critical feedback. No need to feel uncomfortable: poetry is not usual for me either, and every comment helps to get an idea of how it's coming across. You're not the only one who had problems with the structure, so it's becoming clear that I've made mistakes that need addressing.
>>MrExtra
"Old" strikes me as just a generic term of endearment. If you use it on a young person, it also has a hint of playful irony ("Oh, you silly old thing!" Cue indulgent smile). Probably just me, I guess? But I digress...
I won't make any excuses for the '"About?" He shrugged...' line. Splitting this up into stanzas was a terrible move. That said, I don't see anything wrong with the "error" line. If anything, it flows well, or at least that's how it looks to me, since "no wonderbolt could ever make" is a complete subordinate clause, so giving it its own line means it scans naturally. If you look at poetry through the ages, practically everyone used enjambement as a way to stop things getting hopelessly limited by ending every line. Or else I'm missing something in your critique, because I get the impression it's maybe not the enjambement specifically which bothers you about the line?
Overall, an experiment that didn't take, and clearly poetry here is more trouble than it's worth. Points to consider for the future, all, and thanks again for the useful (if not necessarily cheering) feedback. Valuable information indeed.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Now you mention it, "Poor Thunder" would have worked much more consistently.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>axxuy
>>MrExtra
No arguments here: I think what killed this structurally was the decision to divide it up into stanzas to begin with. In the original draft, the whole thing was divided up quite neatly into self-contained stanzas until I realized I had to cut certain sections to keep to the word limit. I was either going to combine it into one long poem, or stick to the stanza format and grit my teeth. I thought the former would be more visually off-putting because it would've been a wall of text.
In hindsight, I clearly made the wrong call (I make no apology for the "run-on lines" or enjambement itself, which is a perfectly serviceable and useful poetic technique, but it didn't play well with the new stanza scheme at all).
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>MrExtra
Regarding the chronology, I was a bit hazy myself, but I vaguely had the idea that this was before he applied for the Wonderbolt Academy in Season Three, especially since he doesn't actually show up before "Hurricane Fluttershy".
Also, he goes to Ponyville because, basically, it's not Cloudsdale. The implication was that all this praise came from fellow pegasi, and he just wanted to get away from all that and go somewhere civilized, nearby, and not pegasus-dominant.
>>FanOfMostEverything
"and the story underneath wasn’t much to write home about."
Aw man, you're breaking my heart. (Sheds single tear)
>>axxuy
"but I appluad your ambition"
Thanks! Even if it didn't work out...
>>No_Raisin
I will pay for your therapy, comrade.
Now, I could say something smart, like I was deliberately going for a young reader's style with the simple rhyme scheme and unfussy iambic tetrameter (I grew up on Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes, which use the form) and attached a straightforward tale about dealing with sucking (a surprisingly rare theme in fiction). But really I wrote a poem because I was experimental and I wanted to write a poem.
In my world, prose and poetry are just choices of style. I use prose more often, sure, but I don't require as many special reasons for poetry as most people do (this may be a character flaw). Poetry is, in my mind, word music. The fact that poetry is a matter of taste kind of saddens me - once an elevated art form, it now seems to have connotations of pretentiousness and old-fashioned groan-worthiness, which breaks my literary heart, so it does - but ah well, I knew the risks.
I truly am disappointed the metric scheme didn't go as well as I'd hoped. And apart from the occasional feminine rhyme, I don't feel as guilty about the simple/simplistic rhyme scheme.
As for anything actionable here... I was going to say "don't write poems again", but A) I'm not bowing down to one person's tastes, as much as I respect they have their own opinion, B) practice makes perfect, or at least less cringeworthy, and C) damnit, Baal proved it could work last time.
At least you liked the story. There's that.
"I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this."
Considering what some of the others got... Ouch.
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Trick_Question
Finally! Someone who actually likes it! And I was all set to write this one off as a complete loss.
>>Trick_Question
I guess my only defence is that my inner voice glides over the middle syllables in "normally" and "usually" so that they sound like "norm'ly" and "us'ly" anyway, but I see where you're coming from. Something I will act upon next time I try something like this. Thanks!
>>Bachiavellian
>>MrExtra
All right, I grant you "Flight Camp" is actually a spondee (FLIGHT CAMP) and not, as I'd initially assumed, a trochee (FLIGHT camp). Maybe I should ignore the show and go for "FLIGHT school" instead?
>>Bachiavellian
That said, since when was it "DISgrace" and not "disGRACE"? And your second example is easy to solve: emphasize "EVERYONE" and not "KNOWS" (I don't understand how this didn't register).
I'll sport one or two cockups, but I did manage the beats/stresses as much as I managed the rhyme and syllable count.
Nevertheless, thank you overall for the critical feedback. No need to feel uncomfortable: poetry is not usual for me either, and every comment helps to get an idea of how it's coming across. You're not the only one who had problems with the structure, so it's becoming clear that I've made mistakes that need addressing.
>>MrExtra
"Old" strikes me as just a generic term of endearment. If you use it on a young person, it also has a hint of playful irony ("Oh, you silly old thing!" Cue indulgent smile). Probably just me, I guess? But I digress...
I won't make any excuses for the '"About?" He shrugged...' line. Splitting this up into stanzas was a terrible move. That said, I don't see anything wrong with the "error" line. If anything, it flows well, or at least that's how it looks to me, since "no wonderbolt could ever make" is a complete subordinate clause, so giving it its own line means it scans naturally. If you look at poetry through the ages, practically everyone used enjambement as a way to stop things getting hopelessly limited by ending every line. Or else I'm missing something in your critique, because I get the impression it's maybe not the enjambement specifically which bothers you about the line?
Overall, an experiment that didn't take, and clearly poetry here is more trouble than it's worth. Points to consider for the future, all, and thanks again for the useful (if not necessarily cheering) feedback. Valuable information indeed.
>>PaulAsaran
Similar to >>No_Raisin, though I just assumed you were going for a moral about having a positive work ethic, and not that you had no actual moral in mind. Also, I'm dead biased against an "idolatry" mindset, especially in such a socially stratified civilization, so there's that (for honesty's sake, Twilight's hero-worship of Celestia is definitely not my favourite part of the show).
I think the problem is the unfortunate connection between this awestruck perspective and being in a low-status position that includes menial work. To put it bluntly, Luna's visit does nothing fundamental about the latter and even appears to validate it. Push hates her job and her uncle, both of which she's stuck with for now, but Luna's one-time visit somehow makes it all better.
It gives the impression of being creepier than was probably intended. Combine that with the weird fact that Push is, against public decree, actively denying herself a day off from her crummy job, and the unfortunate implications just pile up.
Similar to >>No_Raisin, though I just assumed you were going for a moral about having a positive work ethic, and not that you had no actual moral in mind. Also, I'm dead biased against an "idolatry" mindset, especially in such a socially stratified civilization, so there's that (for honesty's sake, Twilight's hero-worship of Celestia is definitely not my favourite part of the show).
I think the problem is the unfortunate connection between this awestruck perspective and being in a low-status position that includes menial work. To put it bluntly, Luna's visit does nothing fundamental about the latter and even appears to validate it. Push hates her job and her uncle, both of which she's stuck with for now, but Luna's one-time visit somehow makes it all better.
It gives the impression of being creepier than was probably intended. Combine that with the weird fact that Push is, against public decree, actively denying herself a day off from her crummy job, and the unfortunate implications just pile up.
>>Anon Y Mous
I am confused about the art thing, do I vote on the art even though I didn't submit art?
I am confused about the art thing, do I vote on the art even though I didn't submit art?
What just happened!?
I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but judging from my past performance and from the preponderance of comments, I was sure this would make it to finals. Although I was convinced it would not score high within finals. True, I was prepared to give up Quiet Thunder as a bad job, because even the commenters who liked that one saw major problems with it, and they were in the minority. But this one had lovely comments, and it, buh, muh-guh, whuh... HUH!?
Seriously, what? Someone please tell me what I did that's so wrong. I'm trying, and I can see why it wouldn't win medals or anything, but I can't fathom why this scored so low. Something serious must have gone wrong, and I need to know what it is.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Moosetasm
Man, these comments made my day. I love it when people see the haunting tragedy and are impressed enough by it to wax proverbial. You should incorporate those lines into a story, or something. I loved reading them that much.
>>Trick_Question
>>No_Raisin
Yeah, as I added in my own decoy review, I agree the speech went on for too long. I think that was what killed it for most people, though as my histrionic opening indicates, I haven't really got the foggiest idea what went wrong. Truth is: the speech was what I wrote first, and then I spliced in the audience reactions and added a beginning and an end. Unfortunately, I went a little overboard with the speech, which is why it's so long. Definitely could have been snappier.
Nice to see it got such a high score! I'm dead honoured, mate!
>>Trick_Question
>>Chris
Indeed that's what I was going for: the speech fragments weren't meant to be taken so literally that we infer he spent a whole day on what would've taken five minutes. This splicing technique was a side-effect of writing the speech before writing the story. It also has the dubious title of being a sort of artsy stylistic choice. Like, imagine someone speaking normally while a timelapse footage plays in the background, sort of thing.
It... probably doesn't translate well into written prose, aheh...
And now for the big one.
>>Chris
"Second, the writing here is occasionally wonky, particularly with modifiers of unclear purpose."
"You've got the spelling and punctuation stuff down; another editing run-through with an eye toward this kind of construction issue, though, would do wonders for the flow of your story, and would make the tragedy really shine."
Oh dear, and I thought I had it solidly down pat. As much as the sheer length of the speech was clearly a major problem - and currently my number one suspect for why this piece so unexpectedly flunked - the news that the technical might not technically be up to snuff has the most sobering implications for me.
See, your actual example looks, to me, as obvious in its intent as a white moth on a black tree. I was going for "He was so enthusiastic that the only thing stopping him from eagerly hopping to his full extent was his arthritis needling his knees". The "eagerly" "hopping" suggests someone fit and motivated, but the arthritis is the only thing in that paragraph that betrays his true state. Hence "only winces" (as in: he's fit, he only winces at this one thing). He's no spry stallion. He's an old-timer. That's the first bit where the universe is going against him, and then we find out more about his situation.
Needless to say, that the intent did not come through... well, I'm either too smart for my own good or, more likely, I'm neglecting my readers too much. I had a more serious problem with a previous entry, where a story I thought was only a little muddled turned out to be totally impenetrable to a lot of people.
Well, I think I might mark this as suspect number two, and a clear area to look into, so thanks for the feedback. But overall, I'm disappointed with the implications for the prose structure.
Ah well. Back to the drawing board, I guess.
>>Trick_Question
"The soup kitchen at the end is a great touch of socialism."
Thanks, comrade! Though I didn't really have any socialist implications in that line. I just wanted to suggest how badly society had let him fall after his service in the military. Plus, I think it's intriguing that I never actually wrote what he does there: does he go to be fed, or does he go to serve the food? Either could be interesting, so I never fully committed either way, and the resultant ambiguity I quite like, if I do say so myself.
Overall, still utterly puzzled as to why this didn't at least make it, but perhaps the answer lies here in these comments. So thank you for giving them to me, and for giving me food for thought! ;)
I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but judging from my past performance and from the preponderance of comments, I was sure this would make it to finals. Although I was convinced it would not score high within finals. True, I was prepared to give up Quiet Thunder as a bad job, because even the commenters who liked that one saw major problems with it, and they were in the minority. But this one had lovely comments, and it, buh, muh-guh, whuh... HUH!?
Seriously, what? Someone please tell me what I did that's so wrong. I'm trying, and I can see why it wouldn't win medals or anything, but I can't fathom why this scored so low. Something serious must have gone wrong, and I need to know what it is.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Moosetasm
Man, these comments made my day. I love it when people see the haunting tragedy and are impressed enough by it to wax proverbial. You should incorporate those lines into a story, or something. I loved reading them that much.
>>Trick_Question
>>No_Raisin
Yeah, as I added in my own decoy review, I agree the speech went on for too long. I think that was what killed it for most people, though as my histrionic opening indicates, I haven't really got the foggiest idea what went wrong. Truth is: the speech was what I wrote first, and then I spliced in the audience reactions and added a beginning and an end. Unfortunately, I went a little overboard with the speech, which is why it's so long. Definitely could have been snappier.
Nice to see it got such a high score! I'm dead honoured, mate!
>>Trick_Question
>>Chris
Indeed that's what I was going for: the speech fragments weren't meant to be taken so literally that we infer he spent a whole day on what would've taken five minutes. This splicing technique was a side-effect of writing the speech before writing the story. It also has the dubious title of being a sort of artsy stylistic choice. Like, imagine someone speaking normally while a timelapse footage plays in the background, sort of thing.
It... probably doesn't translate well into written prose, aheh...
And now for the big one.
>>Chris
"Second, the writing here is occasionally wonky, particularly with modifiers of unclear purpose."
"You've got the spelling and punctuation stuff down; another editing run-through with an eye toward this kind of construction issue, though, would do wonders for the flow of your story, and would make the tragedy really shine."
Oh dear, and I thought I had it solidly down pat. As much as the sheer length of the speech was clearly a major problem - and currently my number one suspect for why this piece so unexpectedly flunked - the news that the technical might not technically be up to snuff has the most sobering implications for me.
See, your actual example looks, to me, as obvious in its intent as a white moth on a black tree. I was going for "He was so enthusiastic that the only thing stopping him from eagerly hopping to his full extent was his arthritis needling his knees". The "eagerly" "hopping" suggests someone fit and motivated, but the arthritis is the only thing in that paragraph that betrays his true state. Hence "only winces" (as in: he's fit, he only winces at this one thing). He's no spry stallion. He's an old-timer. That's the first bit where the universe is going against him, and then we find out more about his situation.
Needless to say, that the intent did not come through... well, I'm either too smart for my own good or, more likely, I'm neglecting my readers too much. I had a more serious problem with a previous entry, where a story I thought was only a little muddled turned out to be totally impenetrable to a lot of people.
Well, I think I might mark this as suspect number two, and a clear area to look into, so thanks for the feedback. But overall, I'm disappointed with the implications for the prose structure.
Ah well. Back to the drawing board, I guess.
>>Trick_Question
"The soup kitchen at the end is a great touch of socialism."
Thanks, comrade! Though I didn't really have any socialist implications in that line. I just wanted to suggest how badly society had let him fall after his service in the military. Plus, I think it's intriguing that I never actually wrote what he does there: does he go to be fed, or does he go to serve the food? Either could be interesting, so I never fully committed either way, and the resultant ambiguity I quite like, if I do say so myself.
Overall, still utterly puzzled as to why this didn't at least make it, but perhaps the answer lies here in these comments. So thank you for giving them to me, and for giving me food for thought! ;)
The style of this one is very apt for a court case. I'm a fan of the comedic caption too. And nice little cameos for Twilight and Big Mac down below (who are the middle two, though?).
Well-designed and well-executed.
Well-designed and well-executed.
Clever use of the medium; it fits the story like a glove. I love how Trixie's confidently mouthing off while she's traversing. Another favourite right here.
Applejack's facial proportions seem a little compacted, but the lighting effect and the focus on the light-and-dark half-cake are just too gorgeous, darling. Easily the best of the bunch for me.
>>Miller Minus
>>Anon Y Mous
>>axxuy
>>Trick_Question
>>BlueChameleonVI
Before saying anything more, I need to answer the burning question: Why for the love of all that is equestrian did you name him Feghoof?? Alas, it was ignorance, and a desire to be "cute": I knew that one of the rejected prompts this round was "The Adventures of Ferdinand Feghoof," and I thought, "Huh, that's a fun name. Imma make a little reference to it. Surely that won't utterly and irreversibly ruin the reading experience for multiple people!"
I had no idea what a feghoot was. Had I known, I wouldn't have touched it with a twenty-foot pole. Trust me, the only thing more painful than looking it up after my entry was already locked in, was receiving multiple complaints about it, and not being able to respond to any of them. "Wait, guys, I'm not that kind of idiot, I'm just this kind of idiot!" Live and learn.
Aside from that, you all made some valid observations about weaknesses in this story. Regarding the "overly harsh" report card, though, I think some of you guys are a little too familiar with the sterile, stoic respectfulness of the modern US (which is, admittedly, where I hail from). I was particularly inspired by historical geniuses who nonetheless failed to impress their teachers, leading to documents containing foot-in-mouth put-downs like, "This boy has no talent and no future." Even in the present day, my French friend in prépa relates how teachers will tell him bluntly, "Tu as eu ton brevet dans une poche surprise ou quoi?" ("Did you get your high school diploma in a Christmas cracker or what?") Such things would of course scar me for life, hence my inclusion of the harsh language on Sunburst's report.
[To wit, a remark on famous mathematician Evariste Galois by his literature teacher: "This is the only student who has answered me poorly, he knows absolutely nothing. I was told that this student has an extraordinary capacity for mathematics. This astonishes me greatly, for, after his examination, I believed him to have but little intelligence."]
>>Anon Y Mous
>>axxuy
>>Trick_Question
>>BlueChameleonVI
Before saying anything more, I need to answer the burning question: Why for the love of all that is equestrian did you name him Feghoof?? Alas, it was ignorance, and a desire to be "cute": I knew that one of the rejected prompts this round was "The Adventures of Ferdinand Feghoof," and I thought, "Huh, that's a fun name. Imma make a little reference to it. Surely that won't utterly and irreversibly ruin the reading experience for multiple people!"
I had no idea what a feghoot was. Had I known, I wouldn't have touched it with a twenty-foot pole. Trust me, the only thing more painful than looking it up after my entry was already locked in, was receiving multiple complaints about it, and not being able to respond to any of them. "Wait, guys, I'm not that kind of idiot, I'm just this kind of idiot!" Live and learn.
Aside from that, you all made some valid observations about weaknesses in this story. Regarding the "overly harsh" report card, though, I think some of you guys are a little too familiar with the sterile, stoic respectfulness of the modern US (which is, admittedly, where I hail from). I was particularly inspired by historical geniuses who nonetheless failed to impress their teachers, leading to documents containing foot-in-mouth put-downs like, "This boy has no talent and no future." Even in the present day, my French friend in prépa relates how teachers will tell him bluntly, "Tu as eu ton brevet dans une poche surprise ou quoi?" ("Did you get your high school diploma in a Christmas cracker or what?") Such things would of course scar me for life, hence my inclusion of the harsh language on Sunburst's report.
[To wit, a remark on famous mathematician Evariste Galois by his literature teacher: "This is the only student who has answered me poorly, he knows absolutely nothing. I was told that this student has an extraordinary capacity for mathematics. This astonishes me greatly, for, after his examination, I believed him to have but little intelligence."]
>>BlueChameleonVI
I'll admit, I'm probably an outlier. I've talked in the past about how neither of my parents are native English speakers. So I feel like every once in a while, I'm discovering that I've been pronouncing words wrong all my life.
For instance, I think I pronounced it NOCturnal instead of nocTURnal until I was like 14.
I'll admit, I'm probably an outlier. I've talked in the past about how neither of my parents are native English speakers. So I feel like every once in a while, I'm discovering that I've been pronouncing words wrong all my life.
For instance, I think I pronounced it NOCturnal instead of nocTURnal until I was like 14.
>>Paracompact
Galois’s teacher was right. Electing to die in a a duel at 20 is not really a sign of the highest intelligence. :P
Galois’s teacher was right. Electing to die in a a duel at 20 is not really a sign of the highest intelligence. :P
Genre: Institutionalized Torture
Thoughts: Hoo boy, this is dark stuff. Raises all kinds of questions about who's running this show and how they manage to stay open. So right there I have to hand it to the Author for creating something that sparks curiosity and interest. It also feels pretty complete within the word count, and manages to do the epistolary thing very well. I find myself with little if anything to complain about, criticize, etc.
Well that's a heck of a way to start my finals slate.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Hoo boy, this is dark stuff. Raises all kinds of questions about who's running this show and how they manage to stay open. So right there I have to hand it to the Author for creating something that sparks curiosity and interest. It also feels pretty complete within the word count, and manages to do the epistolary thing very well. I find myself with little if anything to complain about, criticize, etc.
Well that's a heck of a way to start my finals slate.
Tier: Top Contender
>>Paracompact
This sentence is the embodiment of the writeoff
"Wait, guys, I'm not that kind of idiot, I'm just this kind of idiot!" Live and learn.
This sentence is the embodiment of the writeoff
Ok, so first off, thank you everyone who reviewed the fic. I do plan on an expansion/rewrite, and will be using a lot of the advice here to help fix it up. Everyone suggested something that will make the fic work better in some way, shape, or form.
Secondly... for once, I was not going for a comedy or feghoot.
O_O I know, right?
Celestia knows, my first few story iterations were about various comedic blunders. They all felt incredibly bland and banal, so I opted to set hoof into new and uncharted territory.
I was trying, and definitely failed, to make a sort of serious political slice-of-life. The focus was to be on how events that are normal for somepony else can have implied or exaggerated significance for a politician. The George Bush Sr. incident stood out prominently as something to reference. The guy just gets sick at a meal, which can happen to anyone, but the fallout from the event? It’s 2018, and people STILL remember it. The idea fascinated me.
I just wish I’d thought of it before 12am.
Now, if I hadn’t gone through ten iterations of “Celestia eats all the cake at a diplomatic function and starts pony war III,” I might have had time to trim enough off the front end to fit in a nice length resolution. And enough time to probably fix all the genderlessness and the spelling errors, which were painfully obvious to me the day after, :facehoof: that randomly occurred throughout.
I am very glad that I didn’t go the straight comedy route, because I use it as a crutch far too often, and I am horrible at it. But also, it was fun to broaden my horizons and try something new.
While not 100% satisfied with the results, I think a lot of the problems are due to lack of editing and prep time on my part. I definitely want to expand this to full length, so I can post it on Fimfiction.
>>No_Raisin
I wanted some Japanese flavor without just making a walking stereotype. I didn’t include any physical features and only touched slightly on some things because, honestly, they’re all just ponies in the end.
What joke? Sometimes I am unaware that I have even made one sometimes...
>>FanOfMostEverything
This is 100% a reference to the George Bush Sr. vomiting incident in Japan.
On the plus side, my dish didn’t make you vomit.
>>Miller Minus
Yeah, I was being conservative because everyone has a different line for what constitutes description vs stereotype, and I didn’t want to tread too much on it since I felt it was really incidental to the story when I was writing. I’m probably going to expand or refine though, since the majority of reviews call for it being more plain to see.
Wasabi is definitely a good contender for random stomach distress. At the same time, I kinda wanted the exact cause to not overshadow that this is just something that happens sometimes. Maybe it’s the flu, maybe it was the Wasabi, maybe it was food poisoning from breakfast. But I can see now that the lack of transparency distracts from everything else, because it unintentionally becomes a mystery as everyone wonders what caused it.
I decided on the word once I’d decided to recreate the Bush Sr. incident. I only noticed the multiple levels of pun after I typed the word the first time. It was just uncanny how well it worked... I can’t be the first person to use that word, can I?
>>PaulAsaran
Yeah, the rewrite is going to incorporate parts of the introduction into some internal dialogue for the princess. The intro is a lot more problematic being there than if it just has itself incorporated in.
I’m going to have to figure out how to work on making it more transparent there.
The cakes are incredible. O_O
>>BlueChameleonVI
Well, it’s not meant as a comedy. I purposefully only spent one sentence on the act, because I get sympathy stomach sickness if I see it happening, hear it happening, or even read any details about it happening.
More work will be done to address the focus.
>>Trick_Question
I agree the ending is weak. I chalk this up to having too big an intro, and not having the time to rearrange. I did want a more comprehensive scene with Luna at the end.
>>CoffeeMinion
You know me and my prose pretty well by now, I’d be surprised if you didn’t already guessed this was me. I find myself smiling at the verdict because most of my writeoff fics end up in your “almost there” category.
>>Bachiavellian
The payoff is supposed to happen at the end and... didn’t. I get grossed out by descriptive vomit wording, and tried to steer clear since it wasn’t a comedy, but the touching moment at the end, the fallout from the event, was eaten by word limit and time, unfortunately.
Secondly... for once, I was not going for a comedy or feghoot.
O_O I know, right?
Celestia knows, my first few story iterations were about various comedic blunders. They all felt incredibly bland and banal, so I opted to set hoof into new and uncharted territory.
I was trying, and definitely failed, to make a sort of serious political slice-of-life. The focus was to be on how events that are normal for somepony else can have implied or exaggerated significance for a politician. The George Bush Sr. incident stood out prominently as something to reference. The guy just gets sick at a meal, which can happen to anyone, but the fallout from the event? It’s 2018, and people STILL remember it. The idea fascinated me.
I just wish I’d thought of it before 12am.
Now, if I hadn’t gone through ten iterations of “Celestia eats all the cake at a diplomatic function and starts pony war III,” I might have had time to trim enough off the front end to fit in a nice length resolution. And enough time to probably fix all the genderlessness and the spelling errors, which were painfully obvious to me the day after, :facehoof: that randomly occurred throughout.
I am very glad that I didn’t go the straight comedy route, because I use it as a crutch far too often, and I am horrible at it. But also, it was fun to broaden my horizons and try something new.
While not 100% satisfied with the results, I think a lot of the problems are due to lack of editing and prep time on my part. I definitely want to expand this to full length, so I can post it on Fimfiction.
>>No_Raisin
I wanted some Japanese flavor without just making a walking stereotype. I didn’t include any physical features and only touched slightly on some things because, honestly, they’re all just ponies in the end.
What joke? Sometimes I am unaware that I have even made one sometimes...
>>FanOfMostEverything
This is 100% a reference to the George Bush Sr. vomiting incident in Japan.
On the plus side, my dish didn’t make you vomit.
>>Miller Minus
Yeah, I was being conservative because everyone has a different line for what constitutes description vs stereotype, and I didn’t want to tread too much on it since I felt it was really incidental to the story when I was writing. I’m probably going to expand or refine though, since the majority of reviews call for it being more plain to see.
Wasabi is definitely a good contender for random stomach distress. At the same time, I kinda wanted the exact cause to not overshadow that this is just something that happens sometimes. Maybe it’s the flu, maybe it was the Wasabi, maybe it was food poisoning from breakfast. But I can see now that the lack of transparency distracts from everything else, because it unintentionally becomes a mystery as everyone wonders what caused it.
I decided on the word once I’d decided to recreate the Bush Sr. incident. I only noticed the multiple levels of pun after I typed the word the first time. It was just uncanny how well it worked... I can’t be the first person to use that word, can I?
>>PaulAsaran
Yeah, the rewrite is going to incorporate parts of the introduction into some internal dialogue for the princess. The intro is a lot more problematic being there than if it just has itself incorporated in.
I’m going to have to figure out how to work on making it more transparent there.
The cakes are incredible. O_O
>>BlueChameleonVI
Well, it’s not meant as a comedy. I purposefully only spent one sentence on the act, because I get sympathy stomach sickness if I see it happening, hear it happening, or even read any details about it happening.
More work will be done to address the focus.
>>Trick_Question
I agree the ending is weak. I chalk this up to having too big an intro, and not having the time to rearrange. I did want a more comprehensive scene with Luna at the end.
>>CoffeeMinion
You know me and my prose pretty well by now, I’d be surprised if you didn’t already guessed this was me. I find myself smiling at the verdict because most of my writeoff fics end up in your “almost there” category.
>>Bachiavellian
The payoff is supposed to happen at the end and... didn’t. I get grossed out by descriptive vomit wording, and tried to steer clear since it wasn’t a comedy, but the touching moment at the end, the fallout from the event, was eaten by word limit and time, unfortunately.
>>FanOfMostEverything, >>PaulAsaran, >>No_Raisin, >>Hap, >>Trick_Question, >>Moosetasm, >>Miller Minus, >>Haze, >>BlueChameleonVI
Bitter Leaf: Retrospective
(I was just eating raw cabbage. Go figure.)
I’m glad that a few people figured out what I was trying to do. It gets lonely sometimes.
I had a string of funny concepts, but no good capper came to mind, so I decided to do an anti-feghoot—something that sounded like an involved and horrible pun, but wasn’t. It seems that doing this sort of thing right is a still more daunting task than writing a standard feghoot, and that it could have gone better. Still, I don’t regret having done the experiment, though I could have made better use of the space cabbage. I’ll probably just find a funnier end for this story and put it on Fimfic.
>>BlueChameleonVI
I didn’t take the first review badly. Thanks for your comments!
Bitter Leaf: Retrospective
(I was just eating raw cabbage. Go figure.)
I’m glad that a few people figured out what I was trying to do. It gets lonely sometimes.
I had a string of funny concepts, but no good capper came to mind, so I decided to do an anti-feghoot—something that sounded like an involved and horrible pun, but wasn’t. It seems that doing this sort of thing right is a still more daunting task than writing a standard feghoot, and that it could have gone better. Still, I don’t regret having done the experiment, though I could have made better use of the space cabbage. I’ll probably just find a funnier end for this story and put it on Fimfic.
>>BlueChameleonVI
I didn’t take the first review badly. Thanks for your comments!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
If it’s a deconstruction of the feghoot genre (is it really a genre?) then maybe just a little more to make it stand out as not a real feghoot? At the end, Luna could actually just say “No, it was a failed attempt at a feghoot.” Which would, ironically, make it a feghoot.
Edit:
Since I’m already being shameless: This would be a feghoot attempt within a feghoot story, feghootception. We’re three feghoots deep!
If it’s a deconstruction of the feghoot genre (is it really a genre?) then maybe just a little more to make it stand out as not a real feghoot? At the end, Luna could actually just say “No, it was a failed attempt at a feghoot.” Which would, ironically, make it a feghoot.
Edit:
Since I’m already being shameless: This would be a feghoot attempt within a feghoot story, feghootception. We’re three feghoots deep!