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Trixie and Twilight's Magnificent Vanishing Act
Twilight found in her private library—“Trixie! What are you doing here!? This library is closed!”
Carelessly, Trixie flicked through more pages. “Yes, yes,” she said. “One moment.”
“This is trespassing! If you want a book, you should come during normal—”
“While you’re here,” said Trixie, summoning another, “give me a hoof. These magical grimoires are just too dull for my superior tastes.”
Twilight growled and slammed the door. Matters of state pressed heavily on her conscience. This was the last thing she needed.
“Will you please leave!?”
Idly, Trixie glanced up and wrinkled her lips. “And fend for myself in a world full of horrific hecklers and clueless critics!? Did you know they laughed at my last vanishing act? It was hardly Trixie’s fault the rain made the trapdoor seize up. But don’t mind me, please. One is quite used to such humiliation.”
“Y-Yes. I-I heard. I’m really sorry. But you understand I have to ask you to leave—?”
“AHA!” Trixie grabbed the book and muttered under her breath. Sparkles appeared. “This’ll fix everything! They want a vanishing act? Trixie shall give them a vanishing act!”
Twilight shouted, “DON’T—”
TRIXIE: Where are we?
TWILIGHT (angrily): I tried to warn you not to use that spell! We’re in another universe!
TRIXIE: It's exactly the same as the old one. Hardly worth the effort.
TWILIGHT: Not quite. A unicorn should never interfere with the multiverse except in dire emergencies! They taught us that in magic school—
TRIXIE: But we've vanished from the previous universe, yes?
TWILIGHT: Give me that book. I’ll return us home.
TRIXIE: Oh, and let you spoil my glorious achievement? I think not!
In the year 3 post-Nightmare Moon, at 23:45, Princess Twilight’s campaign to retrieve the only extant copy of the V-Cabinet, a then-experimental spellbook, became increasingly desperate. The Princess had attempted to convey via several communications that, in the hooves of novice magic-crafters, the power was dangerously unpredictable and therefore not ready for field-testing. Trixie was a determined character, having encountered failure repeatedly on her travels across the Equestrian mainland; she wasn’t prepared to surrender. At 23:46, right before the famous Eruption of the Princess, and motivated by a speech given to those assembled by the magician herself, the Great and Powerful launched a major offensive and read the following instructions in the book, hoping to achieve victory.[1]
[1]While history doesn’t relate what the two combatants’ eventual fate was, many take the disappearance of both as evidence that the Great and Powerful was successful in her campaign. See Appendix IX for details.
There was a young pony called Trixie
Who wanted an urgent quick fix-ie.
Said Twilight, “Don’t cheat!
“You’ll only defeat
“Your standing! Please take me home quick-xie!”
Piano solo, lento en pesante
“Twilight, you do not understaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.
While you were gallivanting with your frieeeeendship baaaaaand,
I roamed the streets alone
My craft was mine to hone
Without a friend to call my veeeeeery ooooowwwwwn.”
“Trixie, please hear my caveaaaaaaaaat.
I’m not indifferent; I am a diiiiiplomaaaat.
So please let us be wise:
If we can compromise,
I’m sure combined, we'd make a graaaand repriiiiiise.”
(both quietly) “A simple spell is all its needs to heal…
Not magic faked, but magic…
Oh…
Magic…
Thaaaaaaaat iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal…”
They popped back into the room. Sighing, Trixie shelved the book.
“You did the right thing,” said Twilight.
Downcast, Trixie shuffled towards the door. Unexpectedly, Twilight blocked the way.
“Oh, what now? A friendship speech?”
“I just wanted to say something,” said Twilight, smiling. “If you ever want a friend's help with your magic act…?”
Narrow-eyed, Trixie nudged her aside. “How generous,” she boomed, returning the smile. “But it'll take more than that to stop the Grrrreat and Powerful TRRRRIXIE!”
Swishing her cape magnificently, she added, “Rain check?”
A puff of smoke. Twilight beamed; the expertly made clouds vanished perfectly.
Carelessly, Trixie flicked through more pages. “Yes, yes,” she said. “One moment.”
“This is trespassing! If you want a book, you should come during normal—”
“While you’re here,” said Trixie, summoning another, “give me a hoof. These magical grimoires are just too dull for my superior tastes.”
Twilight growled and slammed the door. Matters of state pressed heavily on her conscience. This was the last thing she needed.
“Will you please leave!?”
Idly, Trixie glanced up and wrinkled her lips. “And fend for myself in a world full of horrific hecklers and clueless critics!? Did you know they laughed at my last vanishing act? It was hardly Trixie’s fault the rain made the trapdoor seize up. But don’t mind me, please. One is quite used to such humiliation.”
“Y-Yes. I-I heard. I’m really sorry. But you understand I have to ask you to leave—?”
“AHA!” Trixie grabbed the book and muttered under her breath. Sparkles appeared. “This’ll fix everything! They want a vanishing act? Trixie shall give them a vanishing act!”
Twilight shouted, “DON’T—”
Scene I.—Twilight’s Castle, Private Library
TRIXIE and TWILIGHT appear, stunned
TRIXIE: Where are we?
TWILIGHT (angrily): I tried to warn you not to use that spell! We’re in another universe!
TRIXIE looks around disdainfully
TRIXIE: It's exactly the same as the old one. Hardly worth the effort.
TWILIGHT groans
TWILIGHT: Not quite. A unicorn should never interfere with the multiverse except in dire emergencies! They taught us that in magic school—
TRIXIE: But we've vanished from the previous universe, yes?
TWILIGHT rubs face with hoof
TWILIGHT: Give me that book. I’ll return us home.
TRIXIE: Oh, and let you spoil my glorious achievement? I think not!
TRIXIE mutters spell. Divers alarums. Exeunt.
Rising like the sun,
Trixie and Twilight arrive
Unto a new world.
Twilight tries to grab
With mountain strength the cursed book,
But Trixie clings on.
Trixie mouths the spell,
And thus they depart this plane
Like fallen blossoms.
In the year 3 post-Nightmare Moon, at 23:45, Princess Twilight’s campaign to retrieve the only extant copy of the V-Cabinet, a then-experimental spellbook, became increasingly desperate. The Princess had attempted to convey via several communications that, in the hooves of novice magic-crafters, the power was dangerously unpredictable and therefore not ready for field-testing. Trixie was a determined character, having encountered failure repeatedly on her travels across the Equestrian mainland; she wasn’t prepared to surrender. At 23:46, right before the famous Eruption of the Princess, and motivated by a speech given to those assembled by the magician herself, the Great and Powerful launched a major offensive and read the following instructions in the book, hoping to achieve victory.[1]
[1]While history doesn’t relate what the two combatants’ eventual fate was, many take the disappearance of both as evidence that the Great and Powerful was successful in her campaign. See Appendix IX for details.
There was a young pony called Trixie
Who wanted an urgent quick fix-ie.
Said Twilight, “Don’t cheat!
“You’ll only defeat
“Your standing! Please take me home quick-xie!”
Piano solo, lento en pesante
“Twilight, you do not understaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.
While you were gallivanting with your frieeeeendship baaaaaand,
I roamed the streets alone
My craft was mine to hone
Without a friend to call my veeeeeery ooooowwwwwn.”
“Trixie, please hear my caveaaaaaaaaat.
I’m not indifferent; I am a diiiiiplomaaaat.
So please let us be wise:
If we can compromise,
I’m sure combined, we'd make a graaaand repriiiiiise.”
[CHORUS]
“Oh let me disappear!”
“Please don’t give in to fear!”
“They threw tomatoes at my face!”
“So get back up! Don’t be disgraced!”
“I’ve met the mockery a thousandfoooooooooooooooold!”
“So meet once more, ‘Great Powerful’ of ooooooooooooooold!”
(both quietly) “A simple spell is all its needs to heal…
Not magic faked, but magic…
Oh…
Magic…
Thaaaaaaaat iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal…”
They popped back into the room. Sighing, Trixie shelved the book.
“You did the right thing,” said Twilight.
Downcast, Trixie shuffled towards the door. Unexpectedly, Twilight blocked the way.
“Oh, what now? A friendship speech?”
“I just wanted to say something,” said Twilight, smiling. “If you ever want a friend's help with your magic act…?”
Narrow-eyed, Trixie nudged her aside. “How generous,” she boomed, returning the smile. “But it'll take more than that to stop the Grrrreat and Powerful TRRRRIXIE!”
Swishing her cape magnificently, she added, “Rain check?”
A puff of smoke. Twilight beamed; the expertly made clouds vanished perfectly.
Pics
That's a rough opening. A bit abrupt and somewhat rushed.
Thankfully I kept going, because the rest of the story was fun, evocative, and varied in all the right ways.
Each scene lasted as long as it had to last, and never overstayed its welcome. It kept the pace nice and quick.
Overall, a net positive. I would've liked to see some other scenarios for Twilight and Trixie to go through, but there's enough here for me to like.
Perhaps a stronger resolution or a bigger epiphany for Trixie would've also helped.
Neverthrless, well done. ^ - ^
Thankfully I kept going, because the rest of the story was fun, evocative, and varied in all the right ways.
Each scene lasted as long as it had to last, and never overstayed its welcome. It kept the pace nice and quick.
Overall, a net positive. I would've liked to see some other scenarios for Twilight and Trixie to go through, but there's enough here for me to like.
Perhaps a stronger resolution or a bigger epiphany for Trixie would've also helped.
Neverthrless, well done. ^ - ^
This was hilarious
Some could say nefarious
It’s my favorite so far
Certainly top bar
I just loved the way that you played it.
Some could say nefarious
It’s my favorite so far
Certainly top bar
I just loved the way that you played it.
This is the first entry I'm doing a review for (I'm going through all of them, oh boy...) and already I think this is probably gonna be the most purely creative and unpredictable of the bunch.
To get my big complaint out of the way, the setup is awkward, and I'm not sure Twilight would be acting this way around Trixie, a pony she knows very well. Agreeing with >>Zaid Val'Roa on that.
Just everything else, though? Oh my goodness, this is the kind of screwball comedy I hoped but was not quite expecting to see for this writeoff. The idea of changing writing formats with each spell attempt is both deliciously weird and well-executed.
Personally, my favorite section is the one that mimics a history book. It was so absurd that I laughed a couple times during that passage alone.
So yeah, uhhhh, I'm feeling a strong 8 to a light 9 on this.
To get my big complaint out of the way, the setup is awkward, and I'm not sure Twilight would be acting this way around Trixie, a pony she knows very well. Agreeing with >>Zaid Val'Roa on that.
Just everything else, though? Oh my goodness, this is the kind of screwball comedy I hoped but was not quite expecting to see for this writeoff. The idea of changing writing formats with each spell attempt is both deliciously weird and well-executed.
Personally, my favorite section is the one that mimics a history book. It was so absurd that I laughed a couple times during that passage alone.
So yeah, uhhhh, I'm feeling a strong 8 to a light 9 on this.
The first section is pretty rough. I'm not sure you can use em dashes like that. The rest is brilliant though. Probably my favorite entry I've read so far.
Most people have brought up the rushed beginning, but I kinda feel like the ending speeds past in a "BAM, plot point, BAM, plot point" manner too. Especially with Trixie's turnaround; she spends most of the fic fighting Twilight for this spell, even during the song at the end, but then she just puts the book back? I guess that duet about fake and real magic is meant to explain it, but it's vague and sure feels tenuous at best.
The middle? See everyone else's comments, because I'm not saying anything new here. I liked the creativity, I liked Trixie constantly one-upping Twilight, I liked the weird ways the format changed, I even liked the bits of drama in the song at the end (whether the drama itself was good is something else entirely). Also, Trixie here is a hoot. I love what a selfish troublemaker she is, especially contrasted with Twilight's barely calm "voice-of-reason" approach. More stuff like this, please.
I do get the sense the word limit was against you here, especially with that intro and final scene. Maybe one more scene change or a little more elegant intro would have worked wonders, but eh, what's there is great. Solid entry, possibly top of the team (sorry: those rushed bits really do work against it).
The middle? See everyone else's comments, because I'm not saying anything new here. I liked the creativity, I liked Trixie constantly one-upping Twilight, I liked the weird ways the format changed, I even liked the bits of drama in the song at the end (whether the drama itself was good is something else entirely). Also, Trixie here is a hoot. I love what a selfish troublemaker she is, especially contrasted with Twilight's barely calm "voice-of-reason" approach. More stuff like this, please.
I do get the sense the word limit was against you here, especially with that intro and final scene. Maybe one more scene change or a little more elegant intro would have worked wonders, but eh, what's there is great. Solid entry, possibly top of the team (sorry: those rushed bits really do work against it).
Genre: Musical Revue
Thoughts: I felt like there was some clunky phrasing in the intro. Actually the end is kinda funky and indecisive too. But oh, that middle. You had me at "exeunt." :heart:
So what is this, in the end? It's absolutely clever and entertaining. I hesitate to give it top marks due to the rough intro and wrap-up. I think the story-ness of this suffers greatly for those being kinda weak. And yet, the good bits are brilliant.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I felt like there was some clunky phrasing in the intro. Actually the end is kinda funky and indecisive too. But oh, that middle. You had me at "exeunt." :heart:
So what is this, in the end? It's absolutely clever and entertaining. I hesitate to give it top marks due to the rough intro and wrap-up. I think the story-ness of this suffers greatly for those being kinda weak. And yet, the good bits are brilliant.
Tier: Almost There
The one section reminded me of the Conan O’Brien sketch than made fun of 24. “Today, on 60: The following takes place between 23:45 and 32 seconds and 23:45 and 33 seconds:”
“That’s not—“
“Next time, on 60: what happens between 23:45 and 33 seconds and 23:45 and 34 seconds.”
It’s a bit disjointed, but hilarious where I can follow it. Definitely worth expanding.
“That’s not—“
“Next time, on 60: what happens between 23:45 and 33 seconds and 23:45 and 34 seconds.”
It’s a bit disjointed, but hilarious where I can follow it. Definitely worth expanding.
To repeat what others have said, the only thing about this story that isn't great is the bookends (and mostly, the first scene). Since you're telling this from Twilight's perspective, I'd think about making the opening--especially the narration--a bit more staid, to contrast more fully with Trixie coming in and breaking the norms. Right now, the two characters play off of each other well; if you can reinforce that through the text itself, I think that'll help take this all up another level.
Also, I'm a little sad that in the first universe, T&T weren't pursued by a bear, but that's probably just me pining for that. Nice work!
Also, I'm a little sad that in the first universe, T&T weren't pursued by a bear, but that's probably just me pining for that. Nice work!
4th, 4th, 4th. Ah me, so near and yet so far...
On the other hand, when you've got five entries on the go and see two of them get kicked out before the finals, it does make one slightly twitchy, so to see this score as highly as it did fills me with relief tinged with joy. No medal to take home this time, but at least one of my experiments managed to get so far at all. That's something.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>No_Raisin
>>axxuy
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Chris
The short answer to the most common complaint here is: I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised the beginning was rushed, because it was. With only 750 words, I went through the bare-bones basics to establish the context and get to the good stuff as quickly as possible. If I ever used the phrase "cutting corners" before, then this was hacking them off with a chainsaw while screaming "GET TO THE GOOD STUFF!"
In short, I don't like it either. The ending was similar too. This was all about the middle, but I figured I'd lose marks for just jumping into it without explanation.
>>Chris
Sometimes, you just don't think about bears. It happens. :(
>>axxuy
Everyone else was using em dashes, so I figured I'd wing it. It's great for slipping past the word count too.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I do agree with the bigger epiphany for Trixie. I was hoping to convey some of that during the song at the end, but again, I was fighting with the word count and going for a bare-bones approach, and here I think I made it too obscure into the bargain. I often make things too obscure. If I expand this, I'm definitely clarifying Trixie's motivation and development.
>>No_Raisin
Originally, I had Twilight immediately be much more sympathetic to Trixie, but it felt utterly off. Therefore, I made her madder and hoped the stuttering in her later speech would convey some backpedalling. This one's on me: like I said, I hated squeezing so much into so little space, which doubtless soured my efforts to make it jibe with the rest of the fic.
>>No_Raisin
I did worry the history book would be too dry to work, so I'm extra pleased it came across so well.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Moosetasm
Man, I so wish I could've gone to more places with this cross-format premise. I think the biggest problem with this fic was that it absolutely could not fit the word limit with a premise like that. It demands more room to breathe.
>>Anon Y Mous
>>PaulAsaran
>>Moosetasm
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>axxuy
>>No_Raisin
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Ultimately, I'm totally chuffed at the reception this has gotten. While it's not my favourite - Uncreatable goes unchallenged for that title - it was the one I'd consider the most ambitious of my five works, and to see that pay off with such handsome rewards is an utter delight. Thank you so much for the feedback. It was worth every second spent.
On the other hand, when you've got five entries on the go and see two of them get kicked out before the finals, it does make one slightly twitchy, so to see this score as highly as it did fills me with relief tinged with joy. No medal to take home this time, but at least one of my experiments managed to get so far at all. That's something.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>No_Raisin
>>axxuy
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Chris
The short answer to the most common complaint here is: I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised the beginning was rushed, because it was. With only 750 words, I went through the bare-bones basics to establish the context and get to the good stuff as quickly as possible. If I ever used the phrase "cutting corners" before, then this was hacking them off with a chainsaw while screaming "GET TO THE GOOD STUFF!"
In short, I don't like it either. The ending was similar too. This was all about the middle, but I figured I'd lose marks for just jumping into it without explanation.
>>Chris
Sometimes, you just don't think about bears. It happens. :(
>>axxuy
Everyone else was using em dashes, so I figured I'd wing it. It's great for slipping past the word count too.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I do agree with the bigger epiphany for Trixie. I was hoping to convey some of that during the song at the end, but again, I was fighting with the word count and going for a bare-bones approach, and here I think I made it too obscure into the bargain. I often make things too obscure. If I expand this, I'm definitely clarifying Trixie's motivation and development.
>>No_Raisin
Originally, I had Twilight immediately be much more sympathetic to Trixie, but it felt utterly off. Therefore, I made her madder and hoped the stuttering in her later speech would convey some backpedalling. This one's on me: like I said, I hated squeezing so much into so little space, which doubtless soured my efforts to make it jibe with the rest of the fic.
>>No_Raisin
I did worry the history book would be too dry to work, so I'm extra pleased it came across so well.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Moosetasm
Man, I so wish I could've gone to more places with this cross-format premise. I think the biggest problem with this fic was that it absolutely could not fit the word limit with a premise like that. It demands more room to breathe.
>>Anon Y Mous
>>PaulAsaran
>>Moosetasm
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>axxuy
>>No_Raisin
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Ultimately, I'm totally chuffed at the reception this has gotten. While it's not my favourite - Uncreatable goes unchallenged for that title - it was the one I'd consider the most ambitious of my five works, and to see that pay off with such handsome rewards is an utter delight. Thank you so much for the feedback. It was worth every second spent.