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Only the Strong Survive
Growing up in Cloudsdale, I was taught to believe that only the strong survive. If you have to screw over ten other ponies to get the gold, then that's what you gotta do.
And for most of my life I saw that as true, but look where it got me.
My career as a Wonderbolt ended before it even started—all because I wanted the uniform so badly that I was willing to screw over those ten ponies in order to wear it. Heck, I didn't even give it a second thought, looking back on it.
I just... did it. As if there was no other way.
Then it all ended in what seemed like seconds to me.
Could've gone better, right?
Then, before I even got the chance to take in all that I'd done, I was traveling all over Equestria without really a destination in mind.
I went to Manehattan, Trottingham, Vanhoover, just about every town and city I was kinda curious about.
At one point I found myself in Las Pegasus.
I was there for like a couple weeks, can't remember exactly how long now.
I remember one night I was really drunk, a sea of booze swirling around in my noggin, and I was getting pissed with this one slot machine at the casino. I must've had this dumb look on my face, and my coat and mane must've been disheveled.
One more drink and I was done for, but I moved before a server could make another pass at me, and I walked, or I guess staggered, around the casino, leaving the area with the slot machines and heading for the poker tables, which I normally didn't visit but decided to give a shot anyway.
That was when I saw him.
I saw Wind Rider.
He was playing at a three-card poker table with a few mares who looked about his age, and at first I didn't even believe I was seeing him. I thought, Oh yeah, there's Wind Rider. He's here. Didn't even occur to me for a good five seconds that Wind Rider was here, in the casino, maybe fifty feet from where I stood, all wobbly, like an idiot.
I took a step toward his table but stopped suddenly, like something had frozen me in my place, and I squinted and really took in the fact that he was there, and—
He looked horrible.
Now, I remember Wind Rider from when I was just a little filly, from when I first aspired to become a Wonderbolt one day and could barely even spell the word at the time, and I had posters of him and the other members of the team, and he was beautiful then. He had magic in him, y'know what I'm saying?
And yet when I saw him... his was in his fifties, but he had begun to age a ton. He had these bags under his eyes, like he never slept, and his mane looked like he hadn't used a comb on it in at least a few days. His coat also seemed slightly darkened and tarnished, unclean compared to how I remembered it.
I knew about how he got disowned by the Wonderbolts—you'd know—but it was a different thing entirely to see him in this state. I felt betrayed, in a sense.
I wanted to say something to him, but I only thought about it, drunkenly, angrily. Look at you, Wind Rider. You were nothing but a hero to me...
Yet I turned away and tried to block the image of him out of my mind. I went up to a young-ish stallion who had just left a different poker table and started chatting him up.
He was cute enough.
We talked some more and went back to his room and—y'know...
But I couldn't stop thinking about Wind Rider.
Eventully I left Las Pegasus.
I read in a newspaper—the Trottingham Times—a few weeks later that Wind Rider had died.
He died of liver failure not long after I'd seen him.
I don't think I felt anything about it, when I read about his death. I guess I felt like he had already died when I saw him at the casino, like he had killed himself and I only witnessed the corpse being animated by puppet strings.
I used to think he was stronger than me, but since I'm still alive and he isn't, I'm not so sure.
I feel pretty weak, honestly—especially when compared to you, Rainbow Dash.
And for most of my life I saw that as true, but look where it got me.
My career as a Wonderbolt ended before it even started—all because I wanted the uniform so badly that I was willing to screw over those ten ponies in order to wear it. Heck, I didn't even give it a second thought, looking back on it.
I just... did it. As if there was no other way.
Then it all ended in what seemed like seconds to me.
Could've gone better, right?
Then, before I even got the chance to take in all that I'd done, I was traveling all over Equestria without really a destination in mind.
I went to Manehattan, Trottingham, Vanhoover, just about every town and city I was kinda curious about.
At one point I found myself in Las Pegasus.
I was there for like a couple weeks, can't remember exactly how long now.
I remember one night I was really drunk, a sea of booze swirling around in my noggin, and I was getting pissed with this one slot machine at the casino. I must've had this dumb look on my face, and my coat and mane must've been disheveled.
One more drink and I was done for, but I moved before a server could make another pass at me, and I walked, or I guess staggered, around the casino, leaving the area with the slot machines and heading for the poker tables, which I normally didn't visit but decided to give a shot anyway.
That was when I saw him.
I saw Wind Rider.
He was playing at a three-card poker table with a few mares who looked about his age, and at first I didn't even believe I was seeing him. I thought, Oh yeah, there's Wind Rider. He's here. Didn't even occur to me for a good five seconds that Wind Rider was here, in the casino, maybe fifty feet from where I stood, all wobbly, like an idiot.
I took a step toward his table but stopped suddenly, like something had frozen me in my place, and I squinted and really took in the fact that he was there, and—
He looked horrible.
Now, I remember Wind Rider from when I was just a little filly, from when I first aspired to become a Wonderbolt one day and could barely even spell the word at the time, and I had posters of him and the other members of the team, and he was beautiful then. He had magic in him, y'know what I'm saying?
And yet when I saw him... his was in his fifties, but he had begun to age a ton. He had these bags under his eyes, like he never slept, and his mane looked like he hadn't used a comb on it in at least a few days. His coat also seemed slightly darkened and tarnished, unclean compared to how I remembered it.
I knew about how he got disowned by the Wonderbolts—you'd know—but it was a different thing entirely to see him in this state. I felt betrayed, in a sense.
I wanted to say something to him, but I only thought about it, drunkenly, angrily. Look at you, Wind Rider. You were nothing but a hero to me...
Yet I turned away and tried to block the image of him out of my mind. I went up to a young-ish stallion who had just left a different poker table and started chatting him up.
He was cute enough.
We talked some more and went back to his room and—y'know...
But I couldn't stop thinking about Wind Rider.
Eventully I left Las Pegasus.
I read in a newspaper—the Trottingham Times—a few weeks later that Wind Rider had died.
He died of liver failure not long after I'd seen him.
I don't think I felt anything about it, when I read about his death. I guess I felt like he had already died when I saw him at the casino, like he had killed himself and I only witnessed the corpse being animated by puppet strings.
I used to think he was stronger than me, but since I'm still alive and he isn't, I'm not so sure.
I feel pretty weak, honestly—especially when compared to you, Rainbow Dash.
Pics
You had a pretty good thing going with the parallels between Lightning Dust and Wind Rider, but that last line…
Now I’m wondering what the context of the current conversation is, and a lot hinges on that. Is Dash speaking to Lightning Dust from the other side of a prison cell’s door? Has Lightning come to Dash’s house, proverbial hat in hoof? Are the circumstances darker than that, more vengeful? Did they just meet at a party?
That last line raises too many new questions and leaves too much in the air for the story to feel satisfying.
Now I’m wondering what the context of the current conversation is, and a lot hinges on that. Is Dash speaking to Lightning Dust from the other side of a prison cell’s door? Has Lightning come to Dash’s house, proverbial hat in hoof? Are the circumstances darker than that, more vengeful? Did they just meet at a party?
That last line raises too many new questions and leaves too much in the air for the story to feel satisfying.
I agree with FOME that that last line is a problem; it seems to place the entire story in a composed-in-universe context, when the content doesn't really support that. Beyond that, I felt like the voicing was 90% there, but the 10% tripped me up; there are some lines that are wonky on their own merits (e.g. the placement of really in "I was traveling all over Equestria without really a destination in mind" throws me) or in the context of the prevalent voicing decisions (e.g. "darkened and tarnished" reads a bit more grandiose than the rest of her monologue). But I think the content is a poignant expansion of the whole "never meet your heroes" idea, and with a little more consistency in presentation, this could go from good to great without much work.
I'd like to see more development of the protagonist. Right now it's just a depressing narrative, and it needs a little something more to be a story—even in a minific.
FOME hits on what I think is a significant issue here. I don't think adding Rainbow Dash makes the story better, it just opens a bunch of unanswered questions and leaves me confused and wondering. The "you'd know" part that first leads into it is also a confusing way to foreshadow who you're talking to.
FOME hits on what I think is a significant issue here. I don't think adding Rainbow Dash makes the story better, it just opens a bunch of unanswered questions and leaves me confused and wondering. The "you'd know" part that first leads into it is also a confusing way to foreshadow who you're talking to.
Of all the entries I've reviewed so far, this one feels like it would benefit the most from being expanded into a short story, or something even longer.
We have to take in a lot in a very short amount of time, and Lightning Dust's emotional arc doesn't quite feel complete, although it is pretty hard-hitting for what we're given.
There's something deeply ironic about her mindset getting her a spot at the Academy in the first place and also getting her kicked out, not to mention that even a screw-up like her was disillusioned by how pitiful Wind Rider had become.
Both are ponies who screwed themselves over in the name of glory, and Lightning Dust saw the aftermath in both herself and her idol.
I'm not sure if the ending works or not, depending on what was intended. The fact that Lightning Dust had been talking to Rainbow Dash this whole time places the story in a whole new context, and it raises a lot of questions.
There's something great here, but it's rough around the edges.
I'm feeling a light to decent 8.
We have to take in a lot in a very short amount of time, and Lightning Dust's emotional arc doesn't quite feel complete, although it is pretty hard-hitting for what we're given.
There's something deeply ironic about her mindset getting her a spot at the Academy in the first place and also getting her kicked out, not to mention that even a screw-up like her was disillusioned by how pitiful Wind Rider had become.
Both are ponies who screwed themselves over in the name of glory, and Lightning Dust saw the aftermath in both herself and her idol.
I'm not sure if the ending works or not, depending on what was intended. The fact that Lightning Dust had been talking to Rainbow Dash this whole time places the story in a whole new context, and it raises a lot of questions.
There's something great here, but it's rough around the edges.
I'm feeling a light to decent 8.
I figured that it was either LD or WR speaking, as the story progressed, I figured that they were talking to someone, and I was definitely getting vibes that it would be RD. But that last line doesn’t give any indicator as to the circumstances of the meeting, so I end up wanting to know what those circumstances are, otherwise I can’t even assume about aftermaths.
As an epistolary piece, this might've worked. But I don't get the sense from the way that the story's framed that it's supposed to be a letter, necessarily. A lot of the second-person language feels conversational, rather than like letter-writing. So, if this is meant to be a transcript of a conversation Lightning is having with Dashie -- a one-sided conversation, even, or an imaginary one -- then I think it... works? Mostly?
On the other hand, a lot of the figurative language that she uses feels out of place, considering the way the author's trying to frame it. Flowerier than a person like Lightning would actually speak. It doesn't feel authentic from a voicing perspective, and the framing doesn't feel write for an epistolary piece.
All this is not to say that the story is bad, or ineffective; it's actually quite nice, quite good, and I love that Lightning sees some of herself in Wind Rider (a character who I actually had to think twice about before I could remember who the fuck he was). It's a good character study whose framing the author might want to tweak a bit, that's all.
On the other hand, a lot of the figurative language that she uses feels out of place, considering the way the author's trying to frame it. Flowerier than a person like Lightning would actually speak. It doesn't feel authentic from a voicing perspective, and the framing doesn't feel write for an epistolary piece.
All this is not to say that the story is bad, or ineffective; it's actually quite nice, quite good, and I love that Lightning sees some of herself in Wind Rider (a character who I actually had to think twice about before I could remember who the fuck he was). It's a good character study whose framing the author might want to tweak a bit, that's all.
Genre: Master of Puppets
Thoughts: Bah, everyone's already written what I was thinking: this could be a great start to a deep and poignant tale, but I think it stumbles and becomes less clear by bringing in Rainbow Dash at the end. This is a really good first iteration, though, and it suggests a lot of potential. I don't think it would take a ton of work to tune this up for FimFiction.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Bah, everyone's already written what I was thinking: this could be a great start to a deep and poignant tale, but I think it stumbles and becomes less clear by bringing in Rainbow Dash at the end. This is a really good first iteration, though, and it suggests a lot of potential. I don't think it would take a ton of work to tune this up for FimFiction.
Tier: Almost There
I haven't really got much to add from the previous commenters: I agree the voicing is inconsistent in how formal and informal it can be, the implied parallels between Lightning and Wind Rider are duly noted but nothing's explicitly concluded from it, and the last line does work as a twist but feels a bit strained (a side-effect no doubt of the formal-informal issue) and leaves unsatisfied questions about this encounter and what Lightning Dust's attitude is.
That said, I still liked it. Considering how obvious the parallels are, it's surprisingly rare to find Wind Rider and Lightning Dust in the same fic, much less given equivalent focus. More to the point, I did like the informal language - very fitting - and the grim, matter-of-fact delivery serves the subject matter well (up until the ending, when its sparseness and lack of clear emotion starts to count against it). I'm personally not a fan of the Teenage-isms; it's not egregious, all things considered, but this could easily be rewritten without them and it might actually improve.
The overall emotion and attitude is weak - I think you were going for an open ending, and for me it weakens rather than strengthens the underlying point - but I did like how Lightning described her revulsion of Wind RIder. If that had been emphasized more, and the parallels explored more, I could easily see this as a solid entry, maybe even as a top contender. What this fic needs is a sense of closure. Right now, it's a starter premise, detailing interesting facts and reactions, but it doesn't change Lightning as a result, at least not in a way that's obvious. I think the main question here is: What's Lightning Dust's point? What did she learn from this? How has this altered her worldview? You seem to come close to answers with the Rainbow Dash reveal, but there's just not enough information to tell one way or the other where Lightning's going with this.
I do like the overall tragic psychological horror style here. What I think it needed was a definite conclusion, and some indication that Lightning isn't just beginning to make connections but is exploring them too. Like many other fics here, a tighter and more definite ending would have worked wonders for this one in my mind.
Also, sorry for leaving this to the last minute. I'd planned to tackle this sooner and complete my slate. Just didn't get around to it, that's all.
That said, I still liked it. Considering how obvious the parallels are, it's surprisingly rare to find Wind Rider and Lightning Dust in the same fic, much less given equivalent focus. More to the point, I did like the informal language - very fitting - and the grim, matter-of-fact delivery serves the subject matter well (up until the ending, when its sparseness and lack of clear emotion starts to count against it). I'm personally not a fan of the Teenage-isms; it's not egregious, all things considered, but this could easily be rewritten without them and it might actually improve.
The overall emotion and attitude is weak - I think you were going for an open ending, and for me it weakens rather than strengthens the underlying point - but I did like how Lightning described her revulsion of Wind RIder. If that had been emphasized more, and the parallels explored more, I could easily see this as a solid entry, maybe even as a top contender. What this fic needs is a sense of closure. Right now, it's a starter premise, detailing interesting facts and reactions, but it doesn't change Lightning as a result, at least not in a way that's obvious. I think the main question here is: What's Lightning Dust's point? What did she learn from this? How has this altered her worldview? You seem to come close to answers with the Rainbow Dash reveal, but there's just not enough information to tell one way or the other where Lightning's going with this.
I do like the overall tragic psychological horror style here. What I think it needed was a definite conclusion, and some indication that Lightning isn't just beginning to make connections but is exploring them too. Like many other fics here, a tighter and more definite ending would have worked wonders for this one in my mind.
Also, sorry for leaving this to the last minute. I'd planned to tackle this sooner and complete my slate. Just didn't get around to it, that's all.
Now it's time to acknowledge the bastard son I conceived about two hours before the deadline, and literally because I was feeling too insecure with my first entry (which turned out to be pretty good so my insecurity was unfounded anyway).
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Chris
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>Moosetasm
Easily the most consistent criticism is also one I happen to 100% agree with. The use of framing as a twist usually doesn't work in any story, mainly because it raises too many questions on what is supposed to be an open-and-shut case, and it might confuse rather than compel the reader.
It seemed so clever in my head, but clearly I dropped the ball on this twist. Aw well, I guess knocking it out the park with one and missing with the other isn't too bad.
>>Posh
The voicing would not be as much as a problem, I think, if this were not revealed to be like a conversation. If it was a normal 1st person narrative the little inconsistencies would probably not have stuck out as much.
It's frustrating, because this is pretty obviously Lightning Dash, and for the most part I think I got her voice and mindset down pat, but there are some sprinkles of my flowery side that, let's be honest, LD would never use.
Let this be a lesson in sticking to a singular voice for your character.
>>BlueChameleonVI
I'm so disappointed that there's basically nothing written about the two of them together. In fact I'm kind of shocked the show has done nothing with this, since it would make for such an interesting compare/contrast between two characters that beg to share the spotlight together. At least I gave them some attention.
The thing that frustrated me most, even as I was writing the thing, was how little time I got to spend on LD's thoughts on WR, and how I wish we could've gotten more of her sense of respect for him, and how seeing him in such a pitiful state got to her. The minific format didn't do this story any favors.
On the bright side, it could make for a very strong short story, or even novella, as I noted in my decoy review.
Unlike The Heart of Saturday Night, which I kind of wrote mostly in a vacuum (I'm not really a fan of horror fiction, at least from the usual suspects like Lovecraft and King), I had a few very obvious inspirations in mind for this. Hunter Thompson, Charles Bukowski, and Jack Kerouac being the biggest. Especially Bukowski...
I'm not quite satisfied with this entry, but I'm pretty sure I won't abandon it either.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Chris
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>Moosetasm
Easily the most consistent criticism is also one I happen to 100% agree with. The use of framing as a twist usually doesn't work in any story, mainly because it raises too many questions on what is supposed to be an open-and-shut case, and it might confuse rather than compel the reader.
It seemed so clever in my head, but clearly I dropped the ball on this twist. Aw well, I guess knocking it out the park with one and missing with the other isn't too bad.
>>Posh
The voicing would not be as much as a problem, I think, if this were not revealed to be like a conversation. If it was a normal 1st person narrative the little inconsistencies would probably not have stuck out as much.
It's frustrating, because this is pretty obviously Lightning Dash, and for the most part I think I got her voice and mindset down pat, but there are some sprinkles of my flowery side that, let's be honest, LD would never use.
Let this be a lesson in sticking to a singular voice for your character.
>>BlueChameleonVI
I'm so disappointed that there's basically nothing written about the two of them together. In fact I'm kind of shocked the show has done nothing with this, since it would make for such an interesting compare/contrast between two characters that beg to share the spotlight together. At least I gave them some attention.
The thing that frustrated me most, even as I was writing the thing, was how little time I got to spend on LD's thoughts on WR, and how I wish we could've gotten more of her sense of respect for him, and how seeing him in such a pitiful state got to her. The minific format didn't do this story any favors.
On the bright side, it could make for a very strong short story, or even novella, as I noted in my decoy review.
Unlike The Heart of Saturday Night, which I kind of wrote mostly in a vacuum (I'm not really a fan of horror fiction, at least from the usual suspects like Lovecraft and King), I had a few very obvious inspirations in mind for this. Hunter Thompson, Charles Bukowski, and Jack Kerouac being the biggest. Especially Bukowski...
I'm not quite satisfied with this entry, but I'm pretty sure I won't abandon it either.
>>No_Raisin
"I'm so disappointed that there's basically nothing written about the two of them together."
I think I've seen some on FIMFiction in passing. Here and there. But honestly, most characters from Season Five onwards get surprisingly little attention anyway. I hope you consider expanding this one, but obviously that's dependent on what you're willing and able to do, so I'm not gonna push you or anything underhanded. Biased as I undoubtedly am.
"The minific format didn't do this story any favors."
I share in your pain, soul brother! Preach the truth unto the rooftops and down unto the gutters! For the world must know the evil of the shrivelled and most unholy FLASHFIC WORD COUNT!
"I had a few very obvious inspiration in mind for this. Hunter Thompson, Charles Bukowski, and Jack Kerouac being the biggest. Especially Bukowski..."
Wow. Now that I know that, I'm gonna go back and see the influences for myself. You had me at Thompson alone.
"I'm so disappointed that there's basically nothing written about the two of them together."
I think I've seen some on FIMFiction in passing. Here and there. But honestly, most characters from Season Five onwards get surprisingly little attention anyway. I hope you consider expanding this one, but obviously that's dependent on what you're willing and able to do, so I'm not gonna push you or anything underhanded. Biased as I undoubtedly am.
"The minific format didn't do this story any favors."
I share in your pain, soul brother! Preach the truth unto the rooftops and down unto the gutters! For the world must know the evil of the shrivelled and most unholy FLASHFIC WORD COUNT!
"I had a few very obvious inspiration in mind for this. Hunter Thompson, Charles Bukowski, and Jack Kerouac being the biggest. Especially Bukowski..."
Wow. Now that I know that, I'm gonna go back and see the influences for myself. You had me at Thompson alone.